How Narcissists Sidestep Responsibility With Victim Blaming

In conflict, narcissists cannot allow themselves to admit faults or to accept responsibility for their poorly managed emotions. Dr. Les Carter describes, instead, how they use the tactic of victim blaming. They want you to bear the burden of all that goes wrong even though you were the one wronged! Your task is to see it for the manipulative ploy that it is, opting out of their dysfunction.
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[@realhealing7802]

A narcissistic relationship is only one-sided. It's based on you meeting their needs and getting nothing back.

[@sharinielsen7985]

In my experience, I get rewarded for good behavior and punished for behavior that doesn't go along with their game, - I would almost prefer getting 'nothing' back.

[@lovewins1072]

Exactly 💯

[@libbynovotny9979]

so true never one gift in ayear and a half and I gave so many nice things to him.He breaks up over the phone today telling me he was no longer attracted to me and had not been for a long time ,yet he loves having sex with me go figure!?? and he was tried of my b abbling, I am telling him about my new job, gezzzzzHe told me if I call him as I did months ago he would block me, don't worry buddy will never call him again, his LOSS

[@choosepeacetoday]

Real healing: Yes. Once I faced that, my healing started.

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@sharinielsen7985 : Sounds like manipulation.

[@wendyg.2664]

Just got "victim blamed" today by a certain narc in my life after I calmly told THEM how THEIR actions hurt ME. Apparently their rudeness & disrespectful behavior is all MY fault somehow. UGH!!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

It's their fault!

[@marcirobins5144]

Victim blaming is their specialty.

[@matilda1505]

They are masters !

[@lovewins1072]

They're pathetic

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Don’t forget calculating and evil

[@paxtonlux6698]

It's so peculiar how they claim victims of any situation are weak yet use the self-victimization in order to get out of accountability.

[@christar9527]

I’ve heard it called DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offend. That’s the narcissist’s M.O.

[@RippleDrop.]

They are insane. Your problem is you think you are interacting with another person, where the narcissist only interacts with their delusional unrealistic ideas in their head.

[@lorrainem8234]

That is so true! Their reality is not based in reality.

[@Joxa514]

this comment needs to be pinned

[@kristinebovit4231]

Narcissists are the most difficult and frustrating people to deal with. They are so cruel & so mean. My Dad was a narcissist. My twin sister & my brother are also narcissists. I had to go no contact. It’s the best thing I ever did! Working on recovery now

[@mrs.h7971]

Stay strong. I know it's hard. I'm lucky that my brother is going no-contact, and is standing with me.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

Bless you & big hugs

[@donnaocasio45]

I was surrounded by them to , I did the same thing and got away from everyone toxic in my life but beware of the others that will cross into ya life because people like us ,the empath are magnets for these parasites.

[@deebee843]

👌🏽

[@carolnahigian9518]

you go NO CONTACT- thrive!! i did and brother- cousin from HELL AND THEIR dense tense ugly monkey ARE NOT MISSED- they are disturbed: they are Toxic- they are Disturbing hate makers.

[@ebony41441]

Narcissists have to see them themselves as perfect, so they will never take responsibility. Ever ever!

[@marcirobins5144]

So fragile!

[@tajroundtree5636]

Maaaaaan, my ex she'd always insist that I never spoke to her parents again after a breakup but it always gets out (after a few weeks maybe a month of her being done with me) that she had spun some crazy story about me being angry or argumentative (I admit I do get mad) but it's not anger as much as it is frustration with her for using me and baiting me back...I guess I should be mad at myself for freaking but it sucks wanting to believe things could change and work for the better but the minute she gets bored or gets asked to show a little effort then suddenly "we're toxic" and I'm the miserable one for not showing music to be lied to

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

Mil right there. Never her fault

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

They have a process its ignore, denial, dismissal and victimize theirselves

[@andryckfranco3801]

The sun will go dark before a Narcissist accepts responsibility.

[@jonnyblade46]

One of many weird things about narcissists: they continue to be cruel, even when they are winning. A narcissist can have all the cash, all the power and all the contacts while you have zero, and you're still kicked in the face. A narcissist has no sense of justice, proportions or humbleness. It's a monster ego.

[@viewmodeimages350]

Well said 👏🏻

[@lauralinden6840]

And a monster insecurity.

[@lorrainem8234]

💯

[@sandyhenry3238]

Spot On

[@annewrites...8385]

Thank you. This exactly describes my experience.

[@_Sumeyo_]

Thank you. I deal with narcissistic abuse from two of my so-called siblings and just got victim-blamed when I spoke about how I'll cut off ties with a certain family member who did misconduct to me at a young age, and that's when they were in anger and disbelief, even siding with the perpetrator, while victim-blaming me and begging me to not damage my abuser's reputation. I remember saying, "I know what clearly happened to me, and you're not going to shift the narrative as if I'm the problem." And I'm proud of myself for saying this, plus, I don't care; I'll damage my abuser's reputation if they ever try to get me in contact with him. I'll even cut contact with them when I get older and become a therapist, a dream I've always wanted to pursue. 💪 To whoever is reading this and has suffered from such abuse from a narcissist, remember that it's not your fault; you're not the issue. Despite how critical they are of you; these people are emotional vampires and lack the gift of empathy. Remember, no matter how much they narrate you in a certain light, your experience is valid and real; they were never in your shoes, whatsoever. So, invalidate their point of view just like the same way they invalidate the abuse you go through. 💪

[@coffeegirl6854]

Stand in your truth. Stand in your truth. Stand in your truth

[@mountainhobbit1971]

"your inability to take responsibility for your glaringly obvious disfunction is no longer my problem to solve, I'm going to manage myself cleanly and if your not able to manage your side of the equation, then that means we're not going to be able to move forward with much of a relationship at all, that's the way it works" Dr. Carter

[@brdf7900]

If you do not mind I would like to quote this to my boss Only difference is I will add Business before relationship. I work for a covert narcissist, boarder line physco path. It is quite concerning.

[@torque63]

They will tell you there is nothing wrong with them you are the problem.

[@shellymichelle2719]

@@torque63 lol narcs are psychotic

[@bryann9689]

I would change "Your inability..." to "Your unwillingness...", but regardless, a poignant point.

[@cacatr4495]

@@bryann9689 I would also change "much" to "any", as in "we won't be able to have any relationship."

[@sage9836]

Anyone ever heard this one? : "God made that misfortune happen to you to teach you a lesson." The lesson I learned is never to tell a narcissist anything of consequence.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Such lousy theology. Dr. C

[@carolyndavasligil1388]

Using religion, totally misunderstanding scriptures.

[@nmHispana]

I was told that was God's intended destiny for my life.

[@shahadah1451]

@@nmHispana I am sorry that happened to you.

[@shahadah1451]

God is a loving Father Who does want you to pray 5 x a day. Praying being talking to God, meditating, working on being the best version of yourself that you can.

[@kristiemcinnes304]

Told mine I'm not longer accepting blame for your issues. And I'm not going to be made to feel bad for my generosity and kindness any longer.

[@ginajohnson2953]

"Your inability to take responsibility for your glaringly obvious dysfunction is no longer my problem to solve. I'm going to manage myself cleanly, and if you're not able to manage your side of the equation, then that means we're not going to be able move forward with much of a relationship at all. That's the way it works."

[@joannajohnson696]

Gina, you have so eloquantly stated this!

[@cacatr4495]

@@joannajohnson696 That's a quote from the video, Dr. C's words.

[@zoomer824]

My siblings tell me I have a victim mentality. My brother told me that "most of my victim feelings are lies". I told him that denying me the truth and forcing me to accept the lie for the sake of the relationship, is psychological abuse. I don't have a victim mentality, I am a victim of abuse. Plain and simple.

[@sarastepp5488]

It gets really confusing when the narcissistic behavior is skillfully concealed behind an approximation of what a normal, empathetic person would do. Things like feigned empathy, an unfeeling apology with no real concern or understanding of the emotional impact of the situation on the other. It's like a clever narcissist learns to appear caring and socially appropriate, but when there is no audience or no incentive to perform this learned role, the underlying reality bears out: the narcissist must be right and must be superior and the other's hurt feelings are their own problem because they're fundamentally flawed and weak.

[@user-gg3qh4di9s]

It appears to me that what you described is a COVERT narcissist. Over the last 2 years I've gradually come to realise I've been married to one for the last 27 years. I've been exploited, gaslighted, undermined & blamed me for everything that's gone wrong. He avoids any attempt to have a discussion when I bring up issues that need to be addressed - he'll just shut down the conversation and leave the room. Recently he told me to commit suicide by jumping out of a moving car - I did report this to the police. This is someone who I idealized for over 25 years and somehow overlooked the cruel & strange things that he would randomly say tor from time to time, including occasional sudden outbursts of anger which would take me by surprise & confuse me (I previously believed that he was so kind & gentle & even "perfect" & I used to tell him so; looking back, I realise he would never respond to me saying these things but he just soaked up all the praise I was lavishing on him. Over the years the first thing he would say if we had a slight argument was " you don't respect me anymore" however over the last 2 years I began to respond by asking what "respect" he was asking for since I'd been the sole bread winner for our family of 5 for the last 18 years & was also doing ALL the housework - cooking etc & had been unable to progress in my career because of the burden I carried (he do did school run & took care of the children while I was at work which I admit is a job in itself), but what you've said is spot on!

[@gwenwood6136]

Cccçcçćcv

[@phinton314]

"Stand in your truth." This video brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased it impacted you, Paula. Dr. C

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Dr Carter.... YOU are the dad I wished I'd had. Mine was lousey and that's being polite. Thankyou kind soul for All that you have given us, I can tell it's from the heart. Bless you today and always!!

[@cynthiafortier2540]

@@danieldonato3269 You sound like a kind soul who did nothing wrong. I am also a people pleaser that got trapped with no good people. I hope you are far away from these people who took advantage of you. Time for self love, self protection and self compassion. Heal yourself, books vidios or whatever. You must heal yourself. You are on a journey in this life with YOU!!

[@EdithIvhay]

They didn’t have therapy, or the sense to go to therapy then. They didn’t have Dr Carter as a Father either. My dad was same ❤️

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Thanks, Dr. Carter!

[@matilda1505]

To everyone in this “ surviving narcissism “ community ! Thank you for sharing ! It helps tremendously !

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true! Dr. C

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

🤗🌻

[@choosepeacetoday]

Yes . It is so nice to not be alone anymore…..😊

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@steppenwolf3252]

Love & Peace to all! ☘🌠🌈

[@happycat0411]

You can easily tell you're dealing with a narcissist because 1) they will have an answer to absolutely everything (to avoid "shame" or "save face" of any kind), 2) they will not accept responsibility 3) and they are highly sensitive to any criticism whatsoever.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Or, what they call criticism. It may merely be a suggestion of better/different way to do something ~ to them, it's criticism. ("They're crazy") Anything less than, "Ooh baby", you're so smart/strong/perfect..." is not good enuff for some (most?) Narcis. Funny thing is, mine should know what real criticism is ~ it's what he constantly gives me! He's actually said, "When I don't say anything about it - that IS a compliment." I wanted to slap him upside his head! I didn't...guess that's a compliment too? LOL

[@randybrown599]

Sometimes, becoming angry and standing your ground is our only way to combat the user mentality being forced upon us. Went there just last night!

[@e.conboy4286]

After 57 years of this daily arguments, nothing pleases him, he wears an expression of ferociousness, just waiting for a trigger to which he’ll ruin the event by behaving withdrawn and separating from the family or group..if I mention anything to him, he contradicts every single word..I know he holds me in deepest contempt. Not love. He killed my love for him many years ago when he got mad about something neither us can of remembered now, and threw and demolished a beautiful miniature world globe I had assembled and painted very artistically in the style of the early ancient globes. It was beautiful even if it came from a kit. It was destroyed in less than a heart beat being thrown into a wall.I be never found another Globe Kit like it and I’ve searched.. Another time I suffered a terrifying near death experience because he would not come home to help:me get to my doctor when I was passing blood clots the size of eggs. My life with him has only been wasted and regrettably is nearly ended. I write this only as a cautionary word to the wise.

[@anyways661]

After a particularly Bad episode, the narcissist would tell me it's my fault saying, "You just don't know how to handle me." Basically admitting he is in need of a "handler", because he cannot be expected to manage himself with civility and selfcontrol.

[@brdf7900]

or you are supposed to read his mind, and know what he meant. lol. This is my boss.

[@chiconapeacefulpath]

"Bad episode" Perfect way to describe what happens. It was a bad episode yesterday. Like a really bad one. I am hoping that it is over for good now.

[@anyways661]

@@chiconapeacefulpath hope so too, for your sake. But more to come if you will have it, guarantee. They get empowered to cause greater shock and do more harm when someone keeps letting them slide. At a certain point they even feel like you deserve it for putting up with them.

[@sentinel8758]

This reminds me of an issue I ran into with a narc sibling; I had brought a problem to their attention regarding their behavior, but they didn't like how I had said it. In a matter of speaking they said that I needed to address it with them in the "right way". So they know what the issue is and what I want to talk to them about regarding it, but they don't want to actually do anything about it until I ask "in the right way". These people completely refuse to cooperate!

[@bjones73387]

Oh my gosh! My boss/friend (not, apparently) told me to let her know when she gets "too intense" and upsets me...as if I'm her handler! She's 60 yrs old! Not my responsibility. I'm gone!

[@mrs.hancock4124]

Their reality is fluid and it always takes the form of a self-serving narrative.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

One post compared them to shape-shifters. I've read some strange descriptions on this channel, but that one made total sense.

[@mrs.hancock4124]

@@eddierayvanlynch6133 They become the imposter embodying whatever characteristic best represents the ideal person their target describes as wishing/needing them to be. If an individual is solid in their own autonomy, they don’t “need” others to be anything other than who they really are. These are the people who can’t offer anything useful to a Narsisstic person.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

@@mrs.hancock4124 I worked with a non-profit that had a rehab program attached to it, and only the hardcore addicts rivalled the narcs in their twisted logic and unrelenting drive for supply. And ime, narcs want "easy pickins" but won't hesitate to gaslight those who aren't.

[@sharinielsen7985]

Boy, isn't that the truth

[@karifoto]

And we better be happy to accept and live in that false reality, even though we can see the truth. It’s like, “this is my mask and you will pretend you never saw behind it!”

[@TJ-yt2tu]

Whenever I have a frustrating, circular, non-productive conversation that leaves me confused and second guessing myself, I listen to Dr. C. Always brings clarity back to my mind. Thank you.

[@danielledegeorge2129]

"Strategic"... exactly! It's like a war zone or being on a battlefield, where you have to plan a war strategy constantly. It's exhausting!

[@susans7091]

The 3 questions to ask yourself: 1 - Am I the initiator of dysfunction in this relationship? 2 - Am I in the presence of a deeply disturbed person? 3- Do I have integrity, and do I have good character?

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Good questions!

[@susanshaver912]

@@SnarkasticSunny Those were the exact questions that Dr Les Carter asked here in about the last 1/4 of the lecture :) I just thought they were so good that I wanted to write them down so we could revisit them.

[@flash_flood_area]

@@susanshaver912 thanks, good idea!

[@StephanyBarber]

They love chaos and it makes them satisfied to see us beg for their mercy

[@meinemeinung1506]

totally accurate! It is the same situation every minute, every hour, every day, every month...and then you realized you spent more than 10 years living in the same hell 🙄

[@SnarkasticSunny]

... or 40yrs!

[@barbaramale9106]

34 years plus another 5 years post divorce to finally understand it wasn't me after all! I was living with a delusional child in a man's body who blamed everyone and never took responsibility but expected praise for just existing.

[@celestelittle7395]

13:46

[@kathiewippel7551]

If you become angry then they will call you the narcissist. How dare you decide you will not submit to being controlled.

[@matilda1505]

They are masters at “ turning the tables on you “ !

[@mikeseitz2792]

This person was broke long before I came into the picture, I now see that!! It is no longer my responsibility to invest my time heart, and emotions in trying to deal with this persons covert insanity!!

[@TheBigdog868]

They're mentally permanent four year olds. That's bad enough in personal relationships. What keeps me awake at night is knowing how many of them are in positions of authority and power. All of them dreaming of being Lord High Executioner and Grand Poo-Bah. Folks, we're in trouble.

[@carolynastrong]

I am so glad I am learning how to not get caught up in these pathetic, non-sensical, circular arguments. You are helping so much, Dr. Carter!

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

Likewise!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@maryvegas7712]

Me too!

[@manuelhubbard1]

They specialise in using ,discarding and blaming

[@Leafygreen123]

My father is a professional victim. Nothing is ever his fault and he takes responsibility for absolutely nothing in his life. If it was ever even gently suggested that he’d made mistakes or that perhaps he should take some responsibility, wow, THAT would go badly, so we all learned to never say anything, just let him rant about his victim hood. It led to health problems for me and I finally went No Contact when he crossed a line and involved my husband in his toxic behavior by banning him from the house. I finally realized their system will never change. I’m 54. Better late than never, I guess… the whole thing is so very sad.

[@itm4173]

Different gender but same lack of responsibility and victimhood. Toxic behavior for sure!

[@luvmytrees]

You have every right to do that. People may think you’re not good by doing that because “that’s your father” if it helps your health and sanity, then that’s just right. 💕

[@Leafygreen123]

I wish I’d seen the pattern many, many years before I did!

[@anaphylaxis2548]

@@luvmytrees Some people are gaslighters who should mind their own business.

[@mrs.h7971]

Narcissists are incapable of being accountable for anything.

[@cymbolichuman433]

They always want the "glory" and steal your "glory" too, but will never take responsibility for the "wrong" that they do and blame you.

[@Vainashell]

Great topic. Over almost a decade it took me a while to recognize that no matter what story I shared with my husband, he would take the other sides position and I would have to argue my case trying to show him my position. I felt like an attorney, but I realized he wasn’t just trying to be objective. He wasn’t playing the judge, he was playing the prosecution. Eventually I just gave up and said “ you are not on my team, you were never on my team, you don’t ever want to be on my team.”

[@laurenbatson5918]

Not long ago I realized that was happening to me, too. I remember saying, "who declared that today was opposite day? Did I miss an email?". (we have school-aged children and the teachers send emails for dress up days , that's what I was going for.). How pathetic it is to be so dysfunctional that they don't even realize when you flip positions just to see if they will argue against the position they took 5 seconds ago? Mine does it every time.

[@JohnWayne-86ed]

@@laurenbatson5918 Yes, same here, I've learned to manipulate the manipulator.... it's easy once you know their game lol.

[@JohnWayne-86ed]

Sorry you had to go through that, I'm getting out of that situation right now, I'm always the one to be at fault... even when I told her how my ex physically assaulted me for calling her out on cheating! You're a beautiful woman, I'm sure you'll find a partner who'll treat you right and appreciate what they have... if you haven't already.☺

[@teedavis7119]

Well said, thank you

[@ascher40]

So sad to hear that from you. My ex would always go against me to the kids whenever i explained the house rules to the kids. If you get no support from your partner, it is just not worth putting up a fight. She would be the hero to the kids as the rules were thrown out the window. No wonder I stopped trying to discipline the kids. Seems like you have the same thing happen to you from your partner. If they arent on your team then, dont expect support from me when the going gets tough. Hope you found a better man and a better life. Life is far too short to put up with people like that. :)

[@michelepascoe6068]

The best thing the internet has brought to my life is your ministry, Dr Carter; to 1000s of us who lived confused and beaten down by narcissistic abuse. I couldn't understand how family members accused me of things I hadn't done ... often the very things my narc mother had done to me. You explain and give wise counsel and I thank God for you.

[@viviennedray7688]

So agree, absolutely feel as if I'm being ministered to .I'm still giving thanks after chancing upon Dr Carter's videos 3 months ago . , they're value is beyond measure.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Totally agree. Dr C and Ramani and a few other such amazing resources that have literally saved my life. Thank you

[@tallguy8937]

My whole family operates exactly like this. In over 50 years I have never heard the words “I’m sorry” spoken. It’s always “I had to because you…….”

[@o3366]

I bet, like me you never say, "you" to them....why bother. They know everything. You know nothing. They exaggerate and twist your words, and they lie so much to put you down it isn't worth the time. I feel pity for them. Forgive and get away. They emd up using one another, and fighting and using someone for their supply. It wont be me.

[@thekellers5041]

‘Possibilities are endless’ yes! Bc if you call them on ANYTHING you’re to blame for ‘bringing up the past’ where ‘the past’ can even be 5 seconds ago

[@mgb7140]

He starts a fight. I force myself to stay calm and address the issue. Then he accuses me of having a "hissy fit" and refusing to discuss things calmly. Twice I tried to explain that I was staying calm while he was raging and insulting, which didn't help and just prolonged the raging. Thank goodness all the pieces to escape finally came together and I haven't had to see him in months. It took years of trying to find a way to leave, but luckily I had made it possible to jump when I got the assistance to do so. The divorce will be messy, but hopefully there will be a quick end to it. Sadly, I'm afraid he will make something which should be simple into a way to punish and hurt me. But I know that if I could survive those awful, destructive years, I can make it through this and create a life of purpose and value.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Stay strong as you are right now & "You go girl!"

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

It's almost laughable they can do no wrong but they are so eager to play the victim role and tell you "why" they did what they did... practically admitting (but not) to doing whatever it was they claim they didn't do. Figure that one out!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

They Kelly...they are not exactly known for having keen insight! Dr. C

[@choosepeacetoday]

Always Stam: Same here. Maybe that is why they call it psychological abuse.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Being involved with a narcissist is DEFINITELY not funny - however your succinct & ironic observation made me laugh. Ikr - contrary!

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@sixthsenseamelia4695 : Sometimes you just gotta laugh. It beats crying. Stay strong. 😊

[@lauralinden6840]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Especially insight into themselves, which they avoid through the delusional construct of their all-powerful, irreproachable self.

[@johnbeltron8787]

Projection is a major problem with narcissistic people.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

“What did you do to create the struggle?” That’s a classic line my narcissistic mother used on me, with no curiosity or inquiry into how the situation came about, and always ready to automatically and falsely assume that I was the source of the conflict; classic gaslighting and victim-blaming.

[@choosepeacetoday]

Breakthrough: Same here.

[@matilda1505]

“ If you only “, “why didn’t you ? “…

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@matilda1505 Sounds familiar. Or…”what could you have done to prevent the abuse???” It is classical blaming and shaming….

[@Clarity2222]

Same. Ending most conversation. With you're so ungrateful.....

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

@@Clarity2222 Yes! Or with, “Count your blessings!” (in a snarky tone) after they’ve just insulted you, gaslighted you, lied to you, etc. It’s just a distraction to get you off topic.

[@aliceroberts1980]

I never noticed how he would never admit to anything he ever did I don’t understand why I didn’t see that it’s a giant red flag it’s not like people go around all the time doing things they need to be responsible for I mean I don’t go around looking for stuff to pin on him They do that constantly watching you to see if they can blame you for something. Their really looking for things you mite have done wrong. He won’t even take responsibility for leaving the basement light on. It’s ridiculous !

[@luvmytrees]

Omg same! I can relate to that. My husband does that to me all the time. I also wish I knew that many years ago. Now I’m stuck.

[@MusicMattersEnt]

Same!!

[@gunjasoni]

Same here! How come we never notice when it’s right infront of us!! But out gut feeling is always telling us that something is wrong.. but we didn’t know what!

[@matilda1505]

Over time you tend to believe that it is your fault after all !

[@Jessica-zf2df]

Dr C gave a good analogy of this in one of his videos...he likened it to the narcissist constantly jabbing you in the ribs with a stick. It's really annoying but you put up with it until one day you've had enough and blow. The narcissist then says 'I always said you have anger issues' or something like.

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Sadly, this describes the last 33+ years being married to my now ex husband! 😔

[@luvmytrees]

So sorry you had to go through that. I’m in the same boat, 25 years for me and still with him. I’m stuck. He controls the finances. I haven’t worked since my first born, 24 years. Isn’t that crazy? He always had an excuse to why I shouldn’t work. I recently asked him if I can work part time and he says that will messed up his taxes and that he’ll lose a lot of money. I don’t believe that. You see how controlling that is! Unbelievable 😡😢

[@juliechurch1799]

Beverley . Sorry about that . Concentrate on self now . There losers !

[@juliechurch1799]

Lourdes sorry about your situation .

[@sparklecanada0112]

Beverly Orlando. This is Me for the past 41 yrs. I'm still looking to find the location and Key of the Exit door.💔🤦‍♀️😣

[@billyrayvalentine7972]

Hang in there. Work on your inner peace. Many of us have decades of abuse so you aren't alone

[@tajroundtree5636]

My ex would tell me that I'm the one who lived in a false reality all the time!! Or tell me that I'm delusional because I caught her in a lie

[@TEXANKIDBABY]

The “whatever” word makes them furious 🤣 😡 like a little tantrum hahaha

[@RealLadi228]

Poker face is also good..none reactions

[@erickanorris567]

my favorite is when you ask them not to do something twice and they continue, later it's your fault for not telling to stop in the exact magical way that would cause them to respect your wishes

[@kimlarsson7259]

"You have issues that you have to work on ..." Absolute classic. During an argument, the narcissist will focus on your issues instead of the subject at hand. The problem is you. Always you. When I grew up and got angry, noone asked why. The problem was always my anger. The conclusion was always that I hade problems with anger. But I tell you, if you didn't get really angry in that family, there was something seriously wrong with you...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm hearing you loud and clear, Kim. Dr. C

[@amy2770]

💯 and trust issues, and betrayal 'issues'. It's just your character flaw shame.

[@i.m.watching5536]

I can SO relate. Scape goats take on that anger and get the blame for acting out. Sick indeed!

[@kimlarsson7259]

@@i.m.watching5536 It's a cruel game, when you're provoked and get accused for your reaction. 32 years after moving from my parents, I realise how unfair it was. One time I was so pissed off, I made a hole in a door.. I was a teenager, and someone should have asked how I was. Nobody ever asked. The only thing everyone was interested in, was blame. "Who is the problem?" is the daily question in a family like mine. Someone must lose.

[@sharonkamp9272]

after years of trying to defend myself with these kind of people, I have decided not to do that anymore. I have noticed how my body is responding. I have learned to recognise what my body is telling me when I am being gaslighted. Whenever someone is doing that, I now simply walking away. I will say: I know exactly how I am feeling. We are not walking the same path. I wish you all the best, but our journey together has ended here.” A narcissist will always give harmful responses. Every time. Which will not invite me anymore to respond. I am then thankful for recognising this and simply walk away from that. He/she is allowed to say anything. I always have the free will to not engage. This will bring ultimate peace. I have confidence in my own judgement.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Great point. Listen to how your body reacts - a gaslight meter. I will do this - thank you

[@chrishill3159]

Watching these videos turned a light bulb on for me,realized I've been married to a narcisist for 30 years.walked on egg shells all these years but too late to leave.hate the way he watches me out the corner of his eye ready to pounce,the heavy breathing if I'm taking too long,his game is the blame game

[@matilda1505]

The biggest regret I have is to allow my kids to see me as a victim !

[@donnahilton471]

I got broken ribs for trying to set a boundary!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I hope you're no longer with that person. That's criminal . Dr. C

[@CS-iv8tk]

My ex of 30 years always played the victim and I was the projection, to our family and friends. So glad to be out 🌈

[@joyces.6321]

Recently I was picking up a few of my belongings at my former home and my estranged (strange) husband became enraged saying "this is all your fault! I didn't WANT THIS!" My reply was calm and full of the knowledge and wisdom and self-love Dr. C and a few others have imparted to me over the past year. "That's funny... you stole from me, ( to the tune of $44,000 in tax shenanigans) lied to my face about it, AND you have a girlfriend...The next thing he said said made me laugh. "I don't have a girlfriend". I tend to think that may be true, she probably kicked him to the curb because he is so disregulated right now His mask is spinning. Then he said "That's no big deal". I wake up every morning almost euphoric over the freedom I feel from that kind of toxicity in my life. God has great plans for me and I am all about finding THAT path! God bless you all and especially Dr. C!

[@gertrudewest4535]

Recently had a horrible narc boss whom I had to bring a complaint ( with resolution) to HR. You never know which way that will go. Surprisingly, The company felt my request was reasonable and set a minor boundary on my supervisor. He pretended to take it well , but then quit two days later as I suspected he would. I work with an all male crew who do not want to be on Team Healthy, so before he left, he poisoned the well by saying I played the sexual harassment card (which is a topic of victim blaming on its own), and he had to quit to protect himself. My complaint had nothing to do with sexual anything. He was being verbally abusive behind closed doors and I wanted it to stop- no more closed doors. And of course, all the rats behind the wall...

[@125varma]

I'm dealing with my narc boss these days. He has been racist in my face and behind my back and has been telling people that I'm stupid and don't know anything. I confronted him and he started crying and told me that he is jealous of me, because I'm muscular and he is fat and I have Master's degree in science and he is just a high school graduate. He also said he is jealous because I have a beautiful wife :D Well, he could not stop himself and few days after the confrontation, he attacked me verbally and was taking behind my back and calling me with racist names. Well, this time I have contacted HR, I have witnesses and I really think he will be fired now. I'm gonna report him to the police and let's see if I can get him convicted in court also. This bastard have made my life hell during the past 7 years, but thanks to KZbin, I know exactly what is wrong with him and I know his moves. Gathering dirt on him was one of the easiest thing I have ever done. He is so full of himself that he could not even believe that he would get into trouble because of this :D lol When I was writing email to HR, right before I pressed the send bottom, I said: On behalf of all the victims of narcissism, I fuck you up bitch!

[@sandrab.5065]

Bravo! Glad it worked out for you. IMHO, I avoid dealing with HR because I learned that they are NOT the employee’s advocate OR counselor. HR is paid by the company to be the “ear” of the company. HR’s top priority is to report any “issues” to management. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, however, one must realize who or what they are dealing with when involving HR. Don’t expect a “sympathetic ear” or understanding from HR. REMEMBER: Who pays HR their salary?

[@guylamullins3602]

My HR rep was psychotic. I’m glad I’m not there anymore.

[@kooks4977]

When I started standing up to my ex for her narcissist abuse, she’d tell me it was all in my head, and deny she’d said what she’d only just said, and then tell me it was me that had shouted at her. She kept changing the story repeatedly, to suit her. I felt utter despair. Your videos have helped me so much Dr C, I got out of that relationship and I’m so much stronger now, and so much happier.

[@jedimaster708]

These people undoubtedly grew up in households where, to admit to making a mistake, or bad behaviour, they've thrown someone else under the bus to avoid harsh punishments that their parents will carry out for even the smallest or most insignificant of transgressions. Therefore, they talk their way out of it. Sad really, as these parents grew up in similarly dysfunctional households, and the chain remains unbroken, as their upbringing is the only experience they have to draw on when it comes to raising their own children, irrespective of whether it's normal, or not...

[@lynnehaeberle5641]

Thank you so much! I’m just beginning to discover that the reason that I’m so uncomfortable around my children (some more than others), is because after my divorce, they picked up where he left off. Even though they now understand how horribly narcissistic their father is, how he cheated through our whole marriage and how he preys on young women.... even though ALL of this has come out, what do I get?! Sorry mom.... we just can’t take sides. And then they proceed to pick me apart just like he did. I am now coming to terms with the fact that they are narcissists, as well. They are beginning to treat me in the way that their father did. So, I’ve drawn my boundaries I and told them that if I seem to irritate them so much, then I will withdraw myself from their presence. All holy hell broke lose! “Did you hear that?! She’s is now abandoning us?! What kind of mom is that ?!” These are adult children, by the way.... in their 30’s and 40’s. Your posts serve to keep me grounded. Thank you!

[@matilda1505]

I feel you ! I can relate ! My kids inherited his bad behaviour as well. It’s bad enough to face the fact that your “partner “ never care for you, but having your kids turned against you is devastating !

[@SnarkasticSunny]

You're not "abandoning" your fully grown children ~ sounds more like they complain about you & act like narci brats. If that's how they feel, you don't need to be as much a part of their lives. That's not abandoning them! It's more self-preservation. "If I irritate you so much...", says it all. I am so sorry you're having to feel that way! Their reaction is typical narcissistic one ~ "playing the victim", guilting you when they are the reason you feel that way, & true to any narci, their reaction was "all about THEM"!! It does sound as if they grew up to be like their Dad. (I'm sorry.) Every narcissist needs to keep hold on their "supply"... But, we "supplies" have no such dire need for those narcissists to be prominent in our lives.

[@georgiacruz105]

I am going thru the same thing only it's only one of my 3 adult children that acts like him. It is very hard to deal with and very hurtful when your own child treats you like this...No respect and its because that's what they saw growing up. Learned behavior that is toxic! My heart goes out to you because I know how much you must be hurting.

[@veronicabrannigan6594]

Ditto! My son has done this too, taken up where ex has left off. Now he keeps the grandchildren away that lived with me for 14 years.... so hard to stay strong and together. Xxxx

[@caroline8029]

My partner never takes responsibility and tells me I can never admit I’m wrong. I end up wondering if this is true as when I’m in argument with him I never feel I have done anything wrong ! I never feel it’s about right or wrong I feel it’s about trying to resolve an issue but I always end up with this who is right or wrong issue. It is crazy making

[@freedomwarrior5087]

When these forks in the road come along, the narc will usually resort to flying monkeys rather than dealing with you directly. I'm in the middle of this right now and contemplating how to respond to FM #2.

[@laurengarrett9005]

It is sad when u finally realize u cant share yourself on any deep level without censure or belittling so u better have some good friends who u can share with and get healthy support and empathy.

[@jamjarthecat4205]

Nor can you share anything personal on the lines of something you regret doing because you know that they will store it up in their mind and bring it up (included in a list of your other 'faults') time after time - months, even years, later...

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

Everything you say can and will be used against you, including sprinkling facts into outright lies to shock any bystanders. Smh

[@deangerber1797]

Best thing I've learned is write it all down to God. After a while of retrospect and answers from God burn what you've written to yourself and God. It helped me when I had nobody to talk with

[@robertbronson1639]

it is actually even more wicked than that. they are going to attack the things that are dearest to us. all that we have shared with them in trust, is to be weaponized.

[@laurengarrett9005]

@@jamjarthecat4205 isnt it amazing how this is a thing with all of them. It is pure evil. Then they say you are terrible because you dont love them. Who can love this kind of person. That ship sailed a long time ago

[@keariewashburn4680]

I finally got to where I say to the narcissist " I'm not responsible for your choices", whatever it is.

[@korab.23]

"I still think it's your fault." Reply, "I know you do." There's nowhere for them to go with that and their thoughts are not my responsibility.

[@wifferstess2824]

The narc doesn't always do the victim blaming. Sometimes their flying monkeys, useful idiots, etc do it too. Best line I've heard: "you were for a reason". Mine hit me but that person who was close to the narc told me I "was hit for a reason". That's also when I realized that person was not a true friend.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That person is bad news. Dr. C

[@wifferstess2824]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You said it Dr C. What I didn't add was this person went on to add that they hit their partner too, as if "there was nothing wrong with doing it".

[@Hatbox948]

Mine took me to meet a "family friend" who proceeded to tell me I deserved having my head busted open by my narc. My scalp had to be stapled back together after he pushed me into a door jamb. I was trying to leave our home at the time.

[@cynthiawright8925]

Yes. God let this video pop up on my phone. The narcissist had just called and text me again after he said he will leave me alone. I did not answer nor respond to any of the communication. Everything you said, and in the order you stated has been true to my experience with this person. Thank you, thank you for this video. I saved it so I can watch it again!

[@SelinaShaw]

I definitely fell into the "Why bother" category. I have encountered this is work situations and relatives situations. And I have been able to go back to that most excellent response you have advised: "Whatever." I am thrilled and blessed to be in an excellent and healthy nuclear family and work situation these days. :)

[@carolhampshire7820]

Good for you Lisa.

[@jacquelynkennedy4568]

I really hate it when the narcissist says whatever. It’s childish so I have told him many times not to say that. So I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying it unless of course I’m mocking him lol

[@SelinaShaw]

@@jacquelynkennedy4568 I can certainly understand that! It does sound flippant, so I more say it to myself. :)

[@christar9527]

As the family scapegoat I did to but at a cost to me. I was completely silenced for life and was afraid to talk even when I was dying....literally.😒

[@l.5832]

My boss falsely accused me in a staff meeting. I cannot just say "whatever".

[@kellypolfleit3942]

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is exhausting

[@susans7091]

It can also be wonderfully freeing and healing when you get far enough recovered and detached:)

[@hydebrown1805]

My life in a nutshell.. that is just fine.. Because the mighty oak was once a little nut, that stood its ground..that never gave up..

[@paxtonlux6698]

It's so peculiar how they claim victims of any situation are weak yet use the self-victimization in order to get out of accountability. I wonder Dr. Carter, could this produce self shame in a narcsisist?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes it can, but they have astonishingly low insight about what you just mentioned. Dr. C

[@MJ-qb5ph]

This is your best video. My sister in law almost drove me to suicide. I was expected to apologise. In the end I did and it was not accepted. Be very very careful of the seemingly fragile, downtrodden, coverts. Lethal.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's cruel. BTW, I hope you're thriving. Dr. C

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@SurvivingNarcissism That was just the beginning. Almost there. It has taken seven years and am a totally different person - very wary and suspicious of humans which I basically despise now

[@kavitadeva]

I was raised by a severely Narcissistic mother. It was so Traumatic. I went no contact many years ago. I still to this day struggle with Emotional Disregulation and have meltdowns at age 63. I've been involved in all kinds of Therapies and It gave me insights but the damage is done. Somethings can't be fully healed.

[@christar9527]

Agreed. I’m 62 and with the two narcissistic parents I had I know I’m lucky to heal at all. I think it’s a miracle that I’m alive actually.

[@kavitadeva]

@@christar9527 I hear you completely!! I wish it were illegal to do this to your children. I would have sued them for ruining my life. Take Care!

[@chadharr3733]

Man anytime I ever did anything for my mother it was. You didn’t do it right and your forgot about this, with her devil stare. It was also a daily occurrence

[@viewmodeimages350]

I know that ‘devil stare’ too! My mother STILL does that!

[@tyusef2264]

As someone who grew up in an African Muslim household, I feel this message deep down in my heart. I've been divorced for about a year and half now and since then, my family is putting a lot of pressure on me to get remarried again. I mean literally they've been arranging me to see women that I've never met or spoken to before in hope that I will marry one of them. It's been so challenging and heart wrenching that I'm not even sure what to do anymore. All because I didn't want to get married right away again; they're calling me every name in the book. They're accusing me of things that I've never done before. Some are even bonding via conversation about my marital status. I really hate it. Sometimes I want to end it all so I won't ever have to feel nothing ever again. My family never took responsibility for anything. They like to put on a perfect facade and pretend everything is okay, but in reality we're far from perfect. I know deep dark shit about my family that I won't disclose here. I know a lot of unhappy women in my family and if they had it their way, they'd leave tomorrow. They're so caught up in their own pretentious lies and phoniness they never own up to anything. They expect every single one of us abide by what they say.

[@_Sumeyo_]

I'm sorry my muslim brother, remember you'll get through this stronger.! And as much as this is hard try to continue to speak up for yourself and not let them try to control your life. This is YOUR life, not theirs.

[@mdee860]

When my soon to be Ex would blow up, full blown rage ( sadly, quite often) until very recently he would further compound the situation by trying to explain his loud verbal vomit by saying "You made me yell." Sure I did 🙄🤯😡 The ONLY reason he has not "said that out loud" recently is because he heard someone on TV state that "we are all solely responsible for our own actions." I believe he still thinks it, he just won't say it out loud now! Because of Dr. Carter, I have been able to (mostly) remain silent & just look at him like he's a 2 headed alien 👽 Thank you Dr. Carter!

[@dmf30]

yep. i get told well you made me so angry. i am never like this! yeah. right!

[@mdee860]

@@dmf30 - so true. Sadly, we don't have such super powers! 😁 Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

[@funlovinbloke6266]

That is the only thing they do (constantly) and where they are good at. Pretty sad eh, that they are also good in a thing that actually isn't positive!

[@choosepeacetoday]

Fun lovin bloke: yes, same here, but I would add lying to that too, at least for my situation..

[@funlovinbloke6266]

@@choosepeacetoday I agree, in time you find out that they lie about almost everything. They expose themselves somewhere at a moment that they just can't keep up the façade and fake behavior. When confronting them with their own words, they try to avoid the issue, go into silent treatment or even worse, they blame you. These people are immature, insecure, frustrated, angry, damaged, sick and cowards. They will never change, that is my experience. Always walk away from their responsibility.

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@funlovinbloke6266 : Yes. One lie leads to another, and it looks as though they never stop for one minute to see how ridiculous they are acting. Heard this quote: “ you can’t fix stupid”. In reality, I believe you can’t fix anyone. They have to do that themselves. That affirmation has helped me to detach emotionally.

[@prfu1222]

The narcissist I am dealing with loves to say to me "moving forward." It is her way to bypass any thoughts or feeling I am expressing. Unfortunately we have children. And as much as she enjoys seeing me suffer. The kids suffer even more. Heart breaking.

[@Lemana28021989]

Same situation here. And I am victim blamed by the counselors as well as they refuse to accept the possibility that they might have been manipulated because it is against their feeling of being professinally experienced

[@prfu1222]

@@Lemana28021989 I had one child protective worker that saw through the B.S. And knew my daughter should be with me full time. But her stupidvisor was so bias. And could tell she was not a fan of men. It gets even worse with the court system.

[@chiconapeacefulpath]

I feel so ashamed for going back so many times. It just ended yet again. The verbal abuse that happened has left me shattered. Again. 8 years of this. I don't understand why I can't stop going back. Hopefully I won't this time. Cheese and crust.

[@kookiecanuck]

Just breathing Narczilla's air and being YOU is justification enough for them to warrant their vendetta for your 'ELIMINATION How dare you (referring to the narc) interrupt their dismemberment

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ugh! Dr. C

[@kookiecanuck]

@@SurvivingNarcissism that is what the narc replies, not the doc

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

He's untouchable. My narc mother taught me I had to have a man now I find making a living difficult. I am valuable and deserving and just now I feel trapped.

[@lynnemarylou7611]

You are valuable and worthy and deserve to be cherished. Sending you big hugs

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

@@lynnemarylou7611 bless and thank you. I believe this is what Dr. C intends. Thank you.

[@dubliner1303]

No contact. Ignore until death.

[@hedwig041]

Before I really understood this I figured there was no give and take. It was always the other person is the problem. They never saw what they did to the other person, and even if they did it would be "well I shouldn't have done that, but I did it because you did this." I eventually learner to check my pride at the door and would just appease and walk away. Like "mhmmm, you're right, I caused this problem, I'm sorry," like a robot, just to get out of the confrontation. Even then they'd still keep going. There's no winning the argument with these people.

[@debbyn4647]

Yes there is winning. You make more money. You tell the people in your life. Whomever will listen that you are afraid if this person and tied to them financially. That is the best thing I did. I am now with a 30 day notice 12 days ago. He will leave. Do not tell them any power you gain. In my context I asked for Devine intervention. I was up crying, praying, afraid. That fear only lasts so long. So many social workers, doctors, therapists. Nurses, know of my situation. One in particular that treated me said "oh gosh. A narcissist again." She was well put together. I have a disability. I got hit by a truck while trying to leave him. Did he care? No. It was my fault when

[@debbyn4647]

So yeah. These people have the ability to indirectly murder you. Do not let that happen. Remain calm. Tell them that you are in an abusive relationship. The rest will transpire. I am truly blessed. My heart goes out to anyone suffering. He gave me the ok to pack his things in crates and move to an area where he can move. Why? Shame. Exposure. Whatever needs to happen he wants it fast. Not like the slow sexual, psychological soul crushing abuse of 3 yrs I endured. They just operate like that. No contact. That is next on 8.1.22.!!!

[@joannajohnson696]

I really appreciate your videos! I learn so much! You asked, "when I am victim blamed, what does it do to the inside of me?" I feel discredited in my moral boundries. Yes, I feel constantly worn out, exhausted, like a mouse in a maze, a gerbil on a wheel. You are right Dr. C, Narcissists always say, "you are the problem!" No responsibility in their BAD behavior. I choose team healthy!

[@AJRich-pw1zm]

100%. They love to use the 'I can't trust anyone because of you.' 'I can't succeed because of you.'

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'd just roll my eyes in pity.

[@cherylduckworth8185]

I knew one that said, " you know I don't like to explain myself". Yep. There is not wanting to explain themselves and then there is trying to explain something to help someone else understand. I believe that's just lying by omission when you don't try to take the time to explain something important that would matter to the other person. Of course you don't have to explain your every move to every single person but when it's important you shouldn't leave information out

[@laurenbatson5918]

Your explaining basic decency. They don't get that.

[@keariewashburn4680]

If they want to " talk " about any issues, it's just a set up everytime. They only want to hear themselves talk or shout and making everything your fault. Circular mental exercise. I dont discuss anything anymore. It goes nowhere and they are impossible. Such a waste of time and energy

[@ErumEhmad20]

The thing is I never took those comments seriously because I could see he is just blaming me. My fault was I tried giving him the benefit of doubt, knowing his back story. But I could never settle on one answer. Until now, when I learned Narcs are just a certain way, unwilling to conform to positivity. As they fear so much. They can't even see they deflect positivity. Yes "grossly misunderstood" is exactly how I felt.

[@notgivingthisout6977]

The covert I dealt with used victim-blaming as a multifaceted weapon of denial, evasion, dismissal, invalidation and gaslighting (and probably others, too). Sometimes it was a cudgel, sometimes a katana, but it swung anytime I wasn't issuing praise and gratitude. I think part of what was so exhausting was that it felt like there were multiple hurdles just to try and set a boundary. First there was "nothing 'wrong' happened" (i.e. there isn't a problem/you have no reason to be upset/you're overly sensitive) - and if I could get past that (rarely), then it became, "nothing 'wrong' happened, but if it did, it was your fault." As in, "You interpreted it 'wrong,' and so are the cause of your own hurt." A gaslighting/victim-blaming sandwich, every time. I put the "wrong" in quotes because for him, it wasn't about how his actions or behaviors impacted me, it was about "right" or "wrong" (feelings weren't part of the equation). The assumption seemed to be that because everyone else tolerated his junk or didn't catch on (or enabled him), there was something wrong with me that it bothered me. (When I flipped the script, though, that's a whole other story - not just zero reciprocity, but negative reciprocity.) Considerations of how I "should" feel (or not) were always measured against what he decided was "reasonable" - and you can guess that he appointed himself an authority on emotional matters, what was "appropriate" in HIS estimation. The emotions I was allowed to have were gratitude, guilt, humility, shame, and more gratitude. In fact, I was supposed to be grateful for being shamed and guilted (and anything else he and his flying monkeys and enablers dished out), too. Ugh. When the emotionally devoid count themselves as a barometer of emotional or psychological well-being, it's a booby-trapped pit of quicksand.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Perfect analogy

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

Yes, so many of us have lived with this. Really awful.

[@bobmathieson987]

I live in a bunch of units. My neighbor slams doors, front door when he comes and goes, internal doors, and cupboards when he's at home. I confronted him politely about this and explained how the shock wave travels directly through the walls and it is like it is happening in my own space. It made me jump in fright or woke me up in the early hours of the morning. He responded immediately and angrily, even before I had finished talking, with a no it wasn't him and then that no one else has this problem. I backed off hoping that the message was received. Big mistake. The banging escalated and more frequently. His other neighbor was upset as well but hadn't said anything for some time about it and was glad I had moved in and was confronting him about it. So I knocked on his door one night when his banging started and said Hey this has to stop! He stood behind the door with a mobile phone recording me. The next few days were relatively peaceful until two law enforcement came to see me and said he had made claims that I had threatened his life and said racial slurs against him. I was shocked. All I could say was it didn't happen. Then two days later this neighbor pulled up beside me in his car and laughed and said "They believed me not you."

[@lovesings2us]

I'm sorry you've been through such a rugged ordeal. I hope you will be safe.

[@susans7091]

Yikes!

[@paintedbird6417]

Narcs do tend to try to film their target's reactions to the harassment to use against them. I learned this the hard way when I slapped a cell phone to try to get them to leave me alone after following me around bullying me all day and suddenly I was being called the abuser. If a Narc whips out a recording device, I know now to not say another word and exit immediately, their only goal doing it is to frame decent people and play the victim.

[@cyndigooch1162]

Peace, bro, from a very grateful Kiwi in Narcsville! ✌

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be with you there in NZ. You have narc's there too? Dr. C

[@jillcookerly6122]

My husband attempted to strangle me. Obviously, I left, divorced him and haven't seen him since. The narcissist mother asked me, " why did he do this, what did you do?" I've never forgotten it. Made a huge impact. I actually thought about it, blamed myself

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a terrible question. I wish you the best as you move forward.

[@HeatherDMorris]

Always someone else fault. It's like saying someone got raped because they had on revealing clothes. Thank you for the video !

[@aliceroberts1980]

He mirrors the people he’s with I have watched do it that why they seem normal but if there’s problems with something that when you see the really them .

[@leanneb9111]

Thank you 😊 once again for your calm concise intelligent understanding of the toxic relationships that drain us. "Your inability to take responsibility for your obviously glaring dysfunction is no longer my problem to solve" thank you for this life affirming statement.

[@MrJfortheElohim]

I don't believe in standing in my truth but I do believe in standing in the truth that has a balance. I'm not afraid of being judged because I judge myself like the Messiah commands.

[@georgiacruz105]

Yesterday I was in a store and saw a tshirt that said " When I need expert advice I talk to myself " I thought to myself this pretty much much sums up my son and every other narc out there sadly...

[@jcsrst]

I called out my narcissistic father on his lack of parenting skills and he blamed my mother 🤣 Absolute inability to take responsibility for anything. This was 10 years ago and I haven't talked with him since 😊

[@elishacanny8793]

I called out my "mother" and she just blamed me. NC for over 3 years now.

[@VickiBee]

I found out how far the narcissists were willing to go to blame me after I was "sent up the river" by a judge for 2 years. When the family counselor tried to mention even the tiniest faults of my adopted family, they refused to take responsibility for anything and kept on blaming my former parents' behavior and beginning foster care at 8 as the reason for my bad behavior; I was in juvenile "prison" at 14. They had counselors & Family Counselors there. Since I know I tried to commit a felony, I was pretty shocked that the family counselor wanted to talk about them too. I thought it was all MY fault. I was unofficially unadopted (she skipped the official part because she didn't want to pay $500 to un-adopt me.) and sent to the Children's Home. They didn't want me at home anymore. She also took every single picture of me out of her house. She gave a big box of them to me on one of their visits up North to see their "real" family, or the ones that were bonded by blood. This is how CRAZY angry a narcissist gets if you do ANYthing to them, all while they spent all those years doing whatever they wanted to you snd not caring AT ALL.

[@SnarkasticSunny]

Oh man! My 💔 breaks for you! I hope those people never get chance to hurt another kid who trusts them. How awful for you to be treated like that & how it must've felt! No one should be made to feel that way, but since you have felt these things & been thru all that, God May Use that for His Good Purpose in life of another of His Children. You may be drawn to foster parenting, or adoption of a non-baby child who needs you. Or maybe to do social work, child advocate, etc. You'd have an insight, a "special knack" they call it, with special kinds of, or 'challenging', children. God Can Use bad things & Turn it into Good Works, to help others who need that kind of help. And there are many who do need it! Not everyone is born into a loving, nurturing home. Some parents are unwilling, or unable, to love & raise their kid(s). Dysfunction can often breed more dysfunction & it can span generations in some cases. But, it's very hard to find people with such loving hearts, patience & have an innate understanding that often comes from having "been there". Such loving ppl are needed even more these days to help change a kid's life, to show them love & acceptance they need so much(!) & how to love themselves + others in turn. This country has made contraception difficult for teens to get, preferring to pretend total abstinence is the way, for about the last 20yrs. At same time, abortion is taboo word & soon to be illegal for all but the wealthy (who always been able to take quick 'vacay' to Europe & secretly get what they need). This resulted in tons of teen pregnancies & "kids raising kids"...not a good thing for either of them. I was born in 1950's & living result of why that's such a bad idea. God brought me an "adopted" Mom & family when I was 14yr old BRAT & I was introduced to being tryly loved - a mom's Love! Totally turned my life around, in ways I never thought possible!! My bio-mother would not allow this woman to legally adopt me, but she was still "My Mom". (Once I graduated high school, got out of house & my adopted Mom became only Mom!) God Works In Mysterious Ways! The Love of Mom & family made everything different & 1st real love I had, teaching me all we take for granted. She saved my life! 100%! I went on to local college, got degree & worked with children for many years. It was such a natural fit -- was born to do it! Ended up helping raise a niece & caring for kids is what I love doing more than anything! In daycare setting, was given the "challenging" kids & it was great seeing them thrive in my class. Don't think I did anything special, just insight to behavior that I can't explain. Working with kids & helping bewildered parents who asked me, was great way for God to "use bad, for good". I tell you this so you can look for such openings in your life, maybe even seek them out. You can help turn "bad to good" & it feels awesome good. My heart was always full & it came easily -- taking classes in child development taught me the right ways & right expectations for children; the rest just was in me. It's all about love, patience & something inside. Had to retire early due to my poor health, so I help as chances allow, or I'd be doing much more now. There's great need -- never more so than now!!

[@Hatbox948]

I agree with Sunny. This is a difficult story to hear. Hopefully life is treating you better these days.

[@dnk4559]

This is spot on. The chief narcissist my late father had all the support of my two siblings. When he had raged at me accusing me of being someone that I’m not and doing things that I have never done (like divorcing my ex for no reason but “tiddy bars and vacations with the guys”, I was devastated and went to my siblings. One accused me of making it all up and saying “I don’t have time for this drama”, the other asked me what I had said to cause him to treat me that way. I finally saw the writing on the wall that I wasn’t just my father’s scapegoat, I was theirs as well. Thankfully in therapy I’m learning that I can forgive them but it doesn’t mean I have to keep showing up for their abuse. I am very low contact and working on letting go of the hope that my siblings will see how wrong my Dad and they both were. They have followed in his footsteps and refuse to go to therapy for all the trauma we endured growing up. I have chosen a different path. I will have to love them from a distance.

[@HRPFayetteville]

Omg my mom and sister used to do that to me my mom always would say so what did u do to make ur husband want to beat u what did u do wrong??? It was like that with everything and my sister too she's never in my side like ever