How Narcissists Turn a Calm Person Into Someone Reactive & Stuck in Fight Response

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

This is what happened to me. Don't fall into that trap! Once you react badly, they will make you the abuser and themselves the victim, and they'll make sure someone else sees your reaction out of context so they can successfully smear you.

[@pegihaider813]

Exactly, - my mother did this to me my entire life until I was forced to go 'no contact' with her in my mid 40's. But thank goodness I at least knew it wasn't me that was crazy. I had never even heard the word narcissist at that time but even felt validated from God telling me to finally cut things off with her. Then a bad smear campaign against me that included my entire family & all her friends began until the day she died at age 87. With God's grace, I was never angry again once I cut things off. And it has been His mercy that finally 10 months ago He started leading me to numerous different videos on narcissist abuse to finally begin validating my abuse (and where I could finally start healing).

[@KaraLynnJack]

@@pegihaider813 Best of luck to you!

[@Jrock3891]

I'm going through this with my family and friends.

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

@@Jrock3891 I'm sorry. It sucks.

[@thecommunity1102]

Yep. They would use my messages of rage to try and show everyone that I'm this unhinged person when in reality I'm as peaceful as a sunset. They spend all their time poking and provoking you and when you snap you're the villain. Educate yourself as much as you can. The more you know the less crazy you feel and the more of your prace you regain. Also, get a body cam. 2 in fact. And put up some spy cams in your home. Sending you all of the good vibes.

[@keadams3353]

I cannot even tell you how much this means to me to be hearing all of this. I have been circling in my head for MONTHS wondering if I am the narcissist (because he called me one) and playing and replaying fights back in my head. I used to be patient and calm and giving and peaceful. Now I’m so reactive and loud even when I know inside my heart it’s not who I am. This makes me feel so seen and heard. I just want my life back. I appreciate ALL that you do for this community ❤️

[@raccuia1]

And you are still with him why?

[@deehyatt5173]

Same .. but I started to record things and it makes it easier for me to stay calm. Then I have it for later when he try’s to tell me he never said something or switch around what I said 😕😒

[@katjongeward7155]

me too.

[@SydneyInTheSky]

It’s not you! Learn these tactics that they use and remember it’s not you. Took me years to realize it was never me.

[@hargersadventures]

This hit home. This is definitely what I've been dealing with for years now. Just really realizing he is the narcissist. I don't feel calm or giving or happy like I used to before I met him. I have changed many things about me which I am now going to get back. Possibly might get a divorce because I want to just be happy and relaxed. I have actually said to him that he likes chaos and takes my energy.

[@sliverscreen]

I had to forgive myself for yelling to set boundaries. I never fought dirty, but my reactions were triggered at a time to make me look like the irrational one. The fact that I allowed myself to be triggered into losing my cool is the part I’m forgiving myself for. Never again. Grey rock next time.

[@laurengarrett9005]

This finally makes sense why they hate when you are happy. They want you to feel the anger so they dont have to. This is a huge missing piece in understanding why they go off for no reason.

[@annking1576]

They derive pleasure from you being unhappy!

[@MJay3060]

Yes that is true For truth seekers like myself the why's are always important questions, even if the what's are crystal clear the brain wouldn't be calm until it grabs hold of the why's And this explanation was very satisfying, more like everything is backward and paradoxical in narcissistic relationships than in healthy ones

[@taraarrington2285]

@@annking1576 it's very sick. These people are mentally unstable. Who does this?

[@annking1576]

@@taraarrington2285 You answered your own question. They're mentally unstable..

[@bebetigre1252]

Everytime i was having a good happy time, it would do something to destroy it,even pretend illness.

[@Coral781]

This is what made me finally leave. I could not stand the person I had become.

[@After_this_He_will_return]

Whenever we express anger, they feel good for getting your reaction. If you don't exhibit outward emotion, they have no power over you. Your anger, or love is their desire. Never ever show them emotion if you can help it.

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

When I started getting healthier, I realized what my biological mother was doing. She started calling me crazy when I didn't react when she baited me. They need immediate reactions in order to regulate themselves. The more I stopped reacting, the more addicted to gambling she became.

[@jwhite5396]

💯 It took writing down a conversation/fight with my mom to understand it was her all along not me. Mind blowing to see how she manipulated me my entire life and I never recognized it until I wrote it down.

[@educationalbrowsing8913]

@@jwhite5396 That's why it is important to keep a journal. Sometimes well after we have NC these people our emotional thinking works against us but the trusty journal entries will put us back on the right track.

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

💖 totally understand all this

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh ya, we're crazy alright because we're around them and they've shaken it onto us! I've been with mine 34 yrs, married 26 and how he gaslight me, he's lived to regret that! It was a tennis 🎾 match of words and he calls that love!

[@The.Indian.Goddess]

Same she still does it and am 52 ...i so minimize talking to her

[@she_sings_delightful_things]

I believe it's extremely important to note that not all narcissists rage, a lot are highly passive aggressive.

[@michaelpoulosjr.2249]

My ex would rage, however passive aggression was her primary tactic.

[@BL-rb7jm]

I think some people get explosive because they feel there's no solution and they're trying to control the narcissist by getting them to change and to respect your boundaries and it's like a losing battle

[@lovearttherapyalways]

I have been through several narcissistically abusive relationships with my family, my exes and some co workers and bosses....after years of being abused and gaslighted, etc... I am now easily triggered and as much as I was gentle and soft I can now easily go from zero to 100 in my anger response... so I cut people out of my life very quickly rather than show my anger... I find there are many toxic people who never respect boundaries... I have zero tolerance for that shit now.

[@kristinburton4953]

I'm in my 50s and I'm now a recluse because a high percentage of people are Narcs and the nice people are usually in a social clique I'll never penetrate. I get some social politeness, but that's it. I'm not very attractive and I'm not successful, so it's hell. I's me and the cat, these days.🤗

[@lovearttherapyalways]

@@kristinburton4953 I am so similar to you and still somewhat attractive but men want young women nowadays and other women who have healthy lives with husbands who actually care and a solid social circle have no time for a woman like me and who can blame them? As you said there are so many narcissists and toxic people nowadays that our inner circle and family needs to be kept small, safe and secure. I meet tons of predatory men who just want to bring me to bed and that is such a turn off for me as I am a Christian woman with Godly values. Pretty much like you, it is me, the dog and the cat. God bless you! At least God never leaves nor forsakes us!

[@djenkins853]

I understand!!

[@TARAdubbleyuu]

Same.

[@daughterofelroi4369]

"Everyone has a breaking point." So true.

[@DavidDrummondTX]

I'm one of the most calm and soft spoken people you could know. I had someone once tell me I could keep people calm in plane crash. The narc over 21 years turned me into what Michele talks about here, mostly through sheer frustration of the entire situation and not understanding what was going on. Why couldn't this person have a discussion and see truth and reason? Then I discovered all this and over a period of months gained an education in all things narcissist and the lights came on and for the first time I understood not only what was going on, but have to better handle it. No longer can this person poke me into reacting like that again. Education and understanding of the behavior is key here to getting your inner peace back.

[@fionam3735]

They regulate themselves through you, and when you do reach your breaking point they are there recording you and playing it to family friends police social work lawyers and anyone else that will listen!

[@lizacampbell2183]

Lord I thought I was evil and crazy. 2 years no contact and the peace and love have been lit again in me. ❤ Stay strong! And know that you are not the evil crazy one

[@scottwells2456]

This is one of the most devastating, even tragic fallout's from these relationships. My mother would do this to me - provoke me to anger, even rage with her criticism and antagonism. She'd then attack, even mock and jeer at me for losing it. Ironically this shame's a survivor out of healthy anger, a healthy indignation and the ability to identify and push back against abuse. Poor boundaries and hyper vigilance in adult relationships the result. I'm still in recovery from the hyper -reactivity that is induced in these relationships

[@jessicalee163]

The result of the narcissistic dynamic has made me feel that people are dangerous and that being in public makes me vulnerable. The reality is, there are much higher standards for conduct in public than I’ve had to endure at times in this household. This perspective has helped me face my fears and hyper vigilance and go out into the world. It’s so backwards. I wish my home felt like a safe place.

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

my mother used to basically use me for various things and then mock me for not having a backbone, while saying ,"I'm your mother, you have to respect me.' She had about a s much respect for me as she had for my father.

[@tnijoo5109]

It’s so weird the similarities I read about narcissistic mothers, as if they’re all working from the same playbook. My mother would mock me while I cried and try to touch me at the same time and I would scream “don’t touch me” and then my dad would hear this and somehow think I was the one causing the problems. It’s all so crazy that these mothers do such similar things.

[@universaltruth2025]

She sounds horrific. I’m a mother of 3 and I’m shocked at some of the things I’ve seen /heard some women do to their children. Some women can be vindictive & manipulative to the extreme. I suppose men can be as well, and my father was not great (highly narcissistic) but I suspect women probably hold the record for manipulative behaviour.

[@scottiebones]

Once you realise what a narcissist is and the fact you're dealing with one, the spell they once had on you just fades away. they lose power, and control comes back in to your hands. Not only can you see when they're trying to manipulate you, they can no longer get you to react the way they want you too. And one can easily defeat a narcissist purely by the fact they're so easy to predict. They're crazy making and word salad is just to distract you. the only power a narcissist has is the power you give to them by their manipulations.

[@mikeseitz2792]

You are spot on!! Thank You

[@deborahrobertson2340]

My ex husband liked...no, he LOVED to debate a lot of different issues with me. This was almost every issue or discussion. I can remember him just fighting to be right about stuff. He acted towards me like I was stupid and didn't know anything. I would TRY to explain my opinion. He never wanted to let it go unless or until he won. I would then blow up and start telling because he just would not hear me or listen to me. Then he'd say," Look at you!!! You're acting crazy!" Or something of that nature. As time went on, I saw his patterns. For example, asking me my thoughts or opinions on something. Like, where would you like to go or do. So I would tell him, and he'd then say, No. I don't want to do that." Then he'd tell me what HE wanted to do. So dude! Why even bother asking me?!! I stopped answering him when he asked me. I'd say, "I don't know." Or I would confront him and tell him there's no point in saying, bcz you don't care and always have the best ideas anyway as long as it suits YOU. That gets old. He felt (or acted like, IMHO) that I should yield to HIM but he didn't want to yield to me in most scenarios. I do not like to use words like, he NEVER, he ALWAYS, because that's not how it was all the time. The point is, he would often bring something up, then lecture me going on and on and wearing me out until I submitted just to make him stop. After years of these controlling, gaslighting, word salad bull crap, I went grey rock. This was before I even knew grey rock was a thing. Some ppl call it the silent treatment, but that wasn't really what I was doing. I was just avoiding the confusion, lectures and his debating and arguments of how right he was.

[@LucidaBrightakaDiggs]

You, just read my life. I'm so sorry we fell into this hole, I want to send you a virtual hug.

[@raccuia1]

I loved your second word, "ex".

[@deborahrobertson2340]

@@JoseRRodriguez I knew they were not the same. But, I never knew how to explain the difference. Thank you! Bells went off for me how you defined the two. :)

[@intothelight3997]

Brilliant

[@deehyatt5173]

Living it daily still .. it’s sad how everyone’s experiences are almost word for word what most of us have been through. They can not deny who they are, but they sure will try. I can’t wait to be free from this mess. Glad you have moved on and up🦋🕊🤗

[@Astrologcomedy]

I was very easily triggered and started acting crazy which only validated the narcissist smear campaign against me - I’m recovered now thank GOD

[@chetpomeroy1399]

Michele has really *nailed it* in her video! Someone long, long ago said that _"The Kingdom of Heaven is within."_ Unlike highly narcissistic individuals/other toxic people, we *choose* to have all of those wonderful, innate personality traits that make us the kind of people we are. Toxic people *cannot* emotionally self-regulate without engaging in their characteristically manipulative and destructive behavior -- and they *HATE* the fact that we *can* choose happiness and contentment in every present moments of our lives, *because they can't.*

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

Amen, thank you. This was a direct answer to speaking with God about this, He is so faithful. Be blessed and receive the peace that surpasses understanding 🙏

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Precisely!

[@khaartoumsings]

Yes. This is horrifying. Studying this and looking at the reptilian brain parts thinking on MRI scans, this is all much more profoundly Evil and toxic for Humanity. But we have this piece of the jigsaw . ) K

[@littlechick63]

The looks on their faces when you stop reacting is priceless.

[@khaartoumsings]

@@littlechick63 Yes. That is so true. There is a sort of one-ear-cocked awe when we stop playing the game. I was just talking to a narcissistic chap and was focused on that link on the spectrum to Autism. I was making word play jokes and I could see him half laughing and not understanding at all, but like an Asperger's or Autistic person could not process or get the jokes. It was curious to observe. I felt like he wanted to understand the jokes but couldn't and is deadly miserable behind the facade...Odd characters cats they are ; ) K

[@brycehenderson5455]

My caregiver conditioned me for reactive abuse since childhood. Projecting their anger and shame onto me until I wasn't able to hold it. Truly conditioned to betray and abandon myself since I was a child, and unlearning them in my adulthood has been very difficult. Thanks for this breakdown

[@BL-rb7jm]

The thing is with these type of people they don't respect your boundaries and if they can get you so upset and to-the-point you yell it makes them feel Superior then they turn around and they say look at you getting mad I never have anybody yell at me like that so they don't take responsibility for poking at you they don't take responsibility for their own actions and admit that they have a role in getting you upset

[@orestes1984]

You hit almost every nail on the head of what it's like trying to live with these people. The problem is once they realise, they double down even harder.

[@LibertyMom88]

My ex is so passive aggressive I was living in a constant state of frustration and gaslighting. I would be told one thing while something else was happening and I always felt angry and I didn’t understand why. Once I no longer had to communicate with him I no longer felt angry. It was like a switch. When I have to talk to him I automatically feel frustrated and on edge.

[@jenbodhi1133]

I’m normally very chilled out, I’m literally sitting here in a cesspool of seething rage

[@Canaday291]

I was a mellow easy going person before I married the malignant psychopath narcissist ex I divorced. Through his malevolence he would constantly antagonize negative reactions out of me and my children. He would record my reactions to his abuse, cheating, abandonments, etc….and play back his edited versions to the people I know to triangulate and smear campaign me.

[@DS-lh1dh]

Omg.. Wow.. She did the same with recording me.. I absolutely couldn't believe it... And she show it to people of course like you say the EDITED version.. Absolute evil

[@fionam3735]

My experience of my ex husband also. The children and I have ptsd because of absorbing his bs

[@AmandaBuxbaum]

Yes that happened to me. She did something staggeringly horrific! And then she recorded me as I cried and cried and tried to say anything through my tears. She played it to her husband and others describing her crazy sister. She recorded me crying.

[@astramah]

I can sooo identify with what each of you have said. It’s devastating to live through. But it’s so good to be done with it, continually healing, at peace and FREE!!

[@bevstrong3651]

I can relate to everything that you guys said! It wasn’t a romantic relationship but I was seeing a guidance counselor at my middle school for support for social anxiety and she was a narcissist and did the exact same things to me like you guys are describing! I’m 21 now and it I’m just grateful that I’m healing right now and that I’m free from that.

[@Inkironnrum]

The narc who was in my life would say things to spark a reaction out of me. That didn’t work out for her. She then went on a rage then sent me numerous emails to spark anger and a reaction from me. That didn’t work. Never did I lose my calm. I knew I was in control of my emotions and understood; I am the one who leads my emotions. No one else will lead me to where they want me emotionally. Narc completely failed at provoking me to feel angry. Zero reaction throughout her narcissistic abuse. She had zero power over me. My calm and peace is my strongest weapon God has given me. In the mornings, I pray for the Holy Spirit to speak for me, not me for me, throughout the entire day.

[@andreaanonymous5474]

I think some do this because they are either psychopaths or sociopaths and they are sadists. They get pleasure from controlling and twisting your behavior. At least that's the conclusion I have come to after dealing with the narcissists in my life. It also seems to make them feel better about themselves in the process by controlling someone that they consider to be so special or better than themselves. They are the most insecure people in the world and instead of feeling good by having someone amazing in their life, it makes them feel small. It's hard to see that because they spend so much time trying to make us feel inferior. They are literally our biggest fans and they hate us for that. They hate that they can't be like us, Dr. Ramani said something once that I have also seen to be very true, is that all the people that I have seen suffer at the hands of covert narcissists and bullies are some of the most gifted, intelligent and lovely people that I have ever come across. That kills the narcissists who spend their whole lives feeling inferior to everyone else. It would be very sad if they deserved our sympathy. Great video as always. It's comforting to hear someone else has experienced the same things I have. You know covert narcissists better than anyone I have come across yet. Keep up the great work!

[@shannonmaire]

This was my main reason for cutting off my family. The fear of being a person I did not recognize anymore outweighed the fear of being alone.

[@DS-lh1dh]

Yeah went thru this with her.. She would get me to react and then it was like she calmed down to watch me go off.. She even went as far as to point out scripture to me from James about being angry.. Absolutely unreal what this woman put me thru.. Been 3yrs out now and still single because I can't ever go thru that again and I'm still not back to where I was before her.. It's definitely better but I'm on high alert constantly.. Gaining peace for sure.. But I can't ever go thru that again EVER.. It's sad because I'd love to have a relationship again.. But she fooled me and I let it happen.. I never want to be who I turned into being with that person.. Truly beyond the pail.. It's all about boundaries and seeing red flags.. I saw them and kept going and when I did try to set boundaries they were cut down.. I truly didn't know what I was dealing with until it all came down to utter madness and the end of it..

[@scottwells2456]

I relate. You're not alone

[@desiderata333]

@DS I have been through the same. It’s been one year for me. It takes a while to heal and now I am terrified of relationships. He really hurt me so deeply. You are not alone. I just strayed therapy. I hope you can get help too. I know that I will NEVER MARRY AGAIN. He destroyed so much and I wish I never knew him.

[@DS-lh1dh]

@@desiderata333 Hi.. Yes I did counseling and read a few really good books about boundaries.. The one book that helped a ton was called safe people by Dr Henry Cloud and a book called boundaries by the same person if I'm not mistaken.. And did a lot of prayer too.. I can't stress enough about boundaries because it's what will keep you from ever doing it again.. So hopefully you will maybe one day be led to a good man that will respect your needs and boundaries someone you can be vulnerable with and they won't use it all against you and tear you down to nothing.. It's a journey.. Take care

[@desiderata333]

@@DS-lh1dh yes i read the first book and many others plus I watch lots of videos here. I am happy you are getting help. God bless you. Yes also prayer and my faith are everything. God has saved me so many times. God bless you and I hope some day when you and your heart are ready, that one sweet, extraordinary soul comes into your life and shows you real love. Stay strong and thanks for your comment.

[@DS-lh1dh]

@@desiderata333 And thank you for your comments also.. Yes My Lord and savior has pulled me up and out many times he's never let me down especially in the healing process of all this.. Really thank you for the comment and God bless your heart and keep you always.. It helps to hear from people like yourself

[@ericablaschke3497]

This is what happened to me with my mom. My mom would do and say things that put me in a rage. Then I became the crazy person and I was told that I had anger problems and needed help. I was just an angry individual who had never had this rage until I was 15. My mom wanted me out of the house and contacted dcf to have me placed. She made everyone believe that it was my anger and behavior that was the problem but no one saw the rejection and what she did that caused the rage instead I was the one with the problem who needed help meds, day treatment, individual therapy, family therapy where I was the focus. My life centered completely on treatment. I hated it and made me feel that I was crazy. My mom never accepted me. I had some minor delays, language, motor skills that were minor. My mom was so fixated on my learning disability that was not that bad. She dragged me to so many people having neuropsych testing, constant evaluation and remediation from age 2-8. When at age 8 a psychologist who was doing another neuropsych evaluation concluded that the constant evaluation and remediation should stop. As it was suggesting to me in my latency period of development all this help might suggest to me that I was an abnormal child and should stop. He also suggested that my parents enjoy me more. My mom put so much pressure on me to change my behavior she made me feel horrible and that something was terribly wrong with me. My mom got dcf and everyone to believe that I was just out of control teen. Usually teens have this behavior for a reason. Dcf, therapists, everyone believed her I was the problem. I just needed help. My mom placed all that responsibility on my 16 year old shoulders while she looked like the good mother who was getting me the help I needed. After all this help not working she wanted me removed from my family home and placed in a group home. Where she continued to remain angry and place the blame on me. I couldn’t go home until I got better is what she said. Everyone saw my anger towards my parents as being unjustified after they were only trying to help me..Yet no one saw my mom anger and rejection towards me and her conditional love. My mom admitted to dcf she had her own mental health problems and was in the midst of treatment. I made allegations against my parents but some attorney berman stated I should not be believed that I was just an angry individual. This was madness . Everyone was on my parents side no one was on my side. Thank you for letting me in on what was going on with my mom. I felt so crazy and misunderstood

[@dzlmick317]

I dealt with a lot of similar issues with my own mother growing up, just not to to this extreme but she was the same person, she couldn’t fix herself or regulate her own emotions so she tried to do it through her kids… luckily I was able to move in with my grandparents at 17 which was the lesser of 2 evils. At 39 I still struggle with this and it has destroyed my ability to have healthy relationships. You’re not alone and I’m sorry that happened to you.

[@hiliarymurphy1845]

I'm so sorry you went thru this💕

[@Lyrielonwind]

These narc "mothers" need to make at least one of her children "the sick one", that way they can play victims and received compassion from family and neighbours. That way they look unpolluted saints and motherly concerned when they don't give a heck.

[@TARAdubbleyuu]

Relatable content. I have experienced this, too, and I’m sorry this is your story. It’s soul crushing.

[@ironpandaloco]

Bad things happen to everyone; how you choose to deal with your problems determines your outcome in life

[@Lisa-ee6tf]

I began standing up for myself & our children rights. For the first time in what seemed forever, I felt seen & heard! However in hindsight I see though I was making a stand, I was emotionally reacting to his AMPED UP ABUSE!!! He became ENLIVENED if I reacted to what I see now was his deliberate baiting! He’d go to the other end of our house to get our children, tell them to go lol at their mother “WHO WAS TO BLAME!”. Sadly he didn’t care how this made them feel, I doubt it entered his mind! His focus was always on how to ‘make me LOOK bad!

[@dacksonflux]

My whole life my parents tried to brainwash me into thinking that I have anger issues. Surprise surprise, I don't. Apparently, I just don't appreciate being abused. I'm learning to take and keep control.

[@rahbeeuh]

When my partner told me "You don't have to react" it was like a light switch clicked on. He was so helpful when I lived in a toxic environment. I'm fortunate to have gotten away from it but I'm still unraveling and unlearning the survival techniques I used. I'm, as you put it Michelle, getting in touch with who I am. Thank you! ✨✨

[@suzesinger6762]

Yeah ! I explained to my Narc. yesterday that respond ...seems like a kinder word than - react. I went on to ..'respond calmly' to that present disagreement. HA ! It was like 'Show n Tell' ;)))

[@joseenoel8093]

No contact no problems!

[@aprilh1965]

After I realized my boyfriend was a narcissist, when he would yell at me and put me down looking to get me upset and respond with anger, I began not to respond period. I would let him yell and I stayed calm and would say to him "I'm sorry you feel that way." and I would ask God for strength to not react and God gave that strength to the point when my boyfriend would do that I would walk towards him and he would back away! It was an awesome feeling to feel that way. I left him and my life is so much better now! I thank God every day!!

[@emmajane646]

Thanks for this. I needed this. I am a believer and recently having emotional flashbacks and reactive with rage. I need to pray for God to give me the strength to not react.

[@cynthiajohnson9412]

Been there, done that. My sympathy to those still there.

[@annap-g2184]

I watched many videos about "anger", trying to figure out the reason why I became so reactive. This video explains it perfectly. They absolutely get more abusive if we don't respond with anger. Thank you for showing a way out from this exhausting craziness.

[@cindy7733]

YES! What I realized is that when I was younger and was happy and in good spirits I would be treated negatively but when I was feeling down and depressed the toxic people in my life would back off. So my brain got used to having to act sad and upset in front of the family so that I would be left alone and not be picked on as much. This actually led me to really feel depressed. The withdrawal and depression was actually comforting to me in a sense even though I felt sad and empty. I always wanted space from the chaos of the family. However, now as an adult they use the depression as a means to point out how defective I am and always have been. It's nuts. I feel nuts. Honestly.

[@KaraLynnJack]

You are NOT nuts, THEY are!!♡♡♡

[@sherrytaylor3738]

Cindy, I can relate. You're not nuts. It's called "crazy-making" because that's how they want us to feel. Like we're the crazy one.

[@broccolionswag]

i would have never thought that i had so many issues in my family, this one drives me crazy. combined with interrupting and gaslighting this is mental institution

[@SaraYW35m]

"Regulating their anger and rage through you so they dont have to feel it" so right

[@AllIsWellaus]

Thankfully I'm not all of this but I have found loosing my temper because they end up saying the most toxic and hurtful comments. I'm getting help for PTSD.

[@travelinglight4656]

Yup. I used to be free flowing. Now I second guess everything I say and even think. This past week I tried to ignore, not react..but I failed last night...but I'm getting much much better

[@tag_76]

This was me until I started doing research on how to deal with a narcissist. I exclusively use the grey rock technique now. When I feel like responding, I calmly respond and do not react. Calmly responding causes the narc to lose their mind if you do it enough. They don't usually explode with the initial calm response, but if you keep at it they lose their minds. It's actually really funny how easy they are to manipulate.

[@mbaliyika1287]

I cut off my narcissist friend who used to push me to wrath. I wish to know how she did it. I guess I will never know. One day I said something really mean and immediately I said to myself I can't believe I just said that. When I lifted my head to apologize I saw her smirking and I knew she was provoking me on purpose. That night we prayed with my kids for a calm spirit. The following morning she came and I said Jesus take over. I was so calm but firm. She went and opened a false assault case against me. I guess it was because I deprived her of her fuel.

[@abstract3213]

Just get away from such person, physically and emotionally. I have experienced exactly what you explained. I cut contact and Ive never been happier. So Now I know 100% who was the problem.

[@valeriebogand7073]

Nobody can live in peace with these toxic demons. They will become violent..RUN... Good Explanation of what happens, though. Thank you Michelle...you are a wonderful woman

[@ecpeast8515]

I’ve been stuck in this loop for a decade, & today is the first time I’ve connected everything. Thank you 🙏

[@ohpohp481]

Yep this was my experience FOR YEARS. I had anger I never knew was inside me. After a really bad confrontation I decided to do some research and now I know how to deal with her. Walk away, make a joke, laugh, agree with the absurd accusations, etc. And try the grey rock method of just basically not reacting at all. Give the narcissist nothing so they can't turn your reaction into something bad.

[@khaartoumsings]

This is a profound discussion. Breathtaking Evil. I read that they do this to baby elephants in Thailand to break their spirit. Put them in cages and scream, bang pan lids, prod and poke the animal with sticks until they gain External Locus of Control. Horrible. More horrible that Narcissists prey on other human beings and do the same. Speechless at this video. Thanks. K ; )

[@NettaYuup]

I believe this is what happened with Gabby Petito in the police surveillance video.

[@Karlien68]

Oh my...I just posted the same thing! It is isn't it? Poor Gabby 🥺😭

[@TheAlfakitty]

This provocation technique used by a narc is what I just experienced. It is so helpful to hear this so clearly defined. As soon as I did explode, he approached me calmly with his hands folded in front of him as though he had simply witnessed erratic behavior that was not elicited by him. I felt as though I got sucker-punched because he owned no part in the provocation. Trying to explain this dynamic to the authorities was futile.

[@HaleyMary]

I think I have encountered a lot of narcissists in the past five years because I've encountered so many people who wanted me to change to be like them. I've had people say I should drink to improve my comedy and that it would help me with anxiety. I'm happy to say I don't drink and never plan to drink in my life and yes that has upset a lot of narcissists out there.

[@Anonymouse428]

Unfortunately for me, the first narcissist that I met that did this to me was my older brother, so this was done to me consistently my entire childhood. So, unsurprisingly, I also married a narcissist who continued the abuse.

[@NonyaSmith]

Same here. My brother had it modeled for him by our narcissistic father that I was the one in the family to offload any unwanted negative feelings (frustration, anger) he had onto. It continued well into adulthood until I cut off contact. My narcissistic romantic partner actually encouraged me to tolerate my brothers treatment, minimized its impact on me, and even going as far as defending him.

[@phoenixrising8007]

Stay in alignment 👌 Refuse to let others derail you

[@seeing1111]

I validate this 100% , thank you. She's been away for couple years and I've only have gotten upset once. She still tries to cause trouble to validate her being a victim.

[@joseenoel8093]

Unbelievable! The ultimate red flag is their victimhood!

[@michaelpoulosjr.2249]

Mine too. Even the sound of her voice or mention of her name causes me to feel anxious and on edge.

[@user-ol7tz5mh2y]

This is spot on. I have a demeanor that seems to trigger narcissistic types into a rage, very quickly. Your video explains the process, very well. Your advice on how we can diffuse this reaction and heal ourselves is very helpful. There are so many individuals discussing narcissistic abuse online, but most tend to focus primarily on identifying and describing the narcissist's behavior. But, you are one of the few sources I've found that offer helpful advice on how best to react to the abuse and how to focus on recovery. So, thank you very much for taking the time to make these videos, and for dealing with this topic in such a healing manner!

[@nadineprice1753]

Please look up Tim Fletcher. His lectures on everything to do with trauma, anger, triggers, abuse, healing, narcissistic behaviour, complex ptsd etc x

[@teresadexter9965]

Yes, my demeanor also used to irritate my narc friend.....I did not react to her comments and she became furious each time. I began to think there was sonething wrong with me.....thank you for sharing this.....it's fascinating!!

[@almohvn33]

I said one time, "I am so volatile around you" ("friend"). Unreal...

[@tofferarvid6589]

Wow this is dragonfly here... And OMG you understand me I've been getting me back for sure but it's been many years of abuse so it's taking time to turn this ship around.... But as soon as I get on back I'm climbing aboard the peace train I already got my ticket 🙏☝️😇

[@Kevin-py7hb]

I'm going through a similar situation with a sibling. I'm working on not getting angry with his behavior towards me, like I used to do... He knows how to push my buttons... I'm learning not to react to his childish behaviors, but it's very hard.... Remaining calm is key and keeping stress levels at bay.... No reaction is still a reaction... We can't change that person no matter what we do... I totally agree with taking care of SELF...... Life is too short to have dysfunctional individuals in our lives, regardless if it's family.... take care of YOU always and know that we always have a choice to be HAPPY.... Love all your videos Michele... I try to spread as much love, peace, and kindness everywhere I go.... Darkness in individuals will never outshine the light within ourselves...... Never let anyone steal your sunshine.......

[@meatrealwishes]

I go impersonal now for being able to detect the traits. My nsister usually ends up understanding that I no longer consider her provocation to be normal and worthy of my attention. My openness about the detection seems to make her run away. Ex: “Don’t project”, “see a therapist if you can’t handle that I have a diff view”, “there goes the goal post moving”, etc. No-response strategy starts to become fatal at one point. They consider it to be disrespectful and embarrassment. My nmom actually hit me for my calmness. My aging nsister has gone far more dangerous than ever. She starts throwing/breaking/damaging stuff now. Next day she ends up in bed all sick because of cleaning the mess all night. I never help her. As I have seen so far they stop moving forward with the provocation only when they are exposed.

[@wms72]

@@meatrealwishes Please take care of yourself and stay away from violent angry family members. God bless!🙏

[@freerobuxcheckmychannel2521]

Thankyou sooo much for these videos. When I stopped reacting, he lost his mind. 25 years I wastes. Please do a video on the differences between narcissists and psychopaths. I believe that mine was high on the spectrum. Threatening head on collisions and laughing. Stealing my inheritance and retirement. Hiding things to confuse me. In the end, he became violent with the kids. He kicked my son in the stomach and that was the end.

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

That sounds like a psychopath. I once encountered a psychopath too

[@KaraLynnJack]

I'm so glad you got away from that monster!

[@adastra1978]

The hardest part is that when you are conditioned by the narcissist to be this reactive mess, your trauma can spill over on to other people that don't deserve it too. This is when you know you REALLY need to go no contact. They will use this against you too, you can guarantee it. Also, because you are not the narcissist you will feel guilty and question yourself whether you're the narcissist. If you ask yourself this, trust me - you aren't. Get out of that toxic relationship and find yourself again

[@madhavmathur5241]

Exactly this is what I am experiencing this and want to come out of it.

[@SitesWithAds]

I WAS wondering if I might be the narcissist! (But then I realized a real narcissist would never question themselves this way.) This explication is terrific! This helps! Thanks

[@beatrixbrennan1545]

I definitely became a person who is reactive and more negative after my last relationship with a covert narc sociopath. I'm really angry all the time but the upside is that I'm channeling it into working out and I've lost 15 pounds since breaking up with him. I hope to heal from this crap

[@markhobbs6684]

I've had this problem. My narcissistic parents would start fights and sabotage me to the point where I'm fighting back. Then they take my response to their abuse and label me the crazy person. Seeing it this way, I got so much clarity.

[@JackNance22]

My dad sends me emails that attempt to get an emotional reaction out of me, and copies my entire family on them, in hopes to humiliate me and make me look unhinged in front of others. Having the knowledge to avoid pitfalls and traps like this is priceless, such an important lesson to learn.

[@raccuia1]

Why do you allow those emails to reach your inbox? Isn't it time to block him?

[@salifyanji2893]

​@@raccuia1 lol yes 😅

[@erickonassis6310]

I figured out what she was doing, then she started getting violent...she would say I m the narc. I m quiet, relaxed, work, and watch movies. It seems like she was studying me. She also started trying to get me to cut off family, and friends..

[@constancedenchy9801]

I unknowingly dated a narcissist. When we met I felt like I finally met the one.. He treated me so over the top with love.. Then 6 months into the relationship I constantly felt on edge, like I had to defend myself. In hind sight I now understand he has gaslighting me constantly. He was constantly acting passive aggressively too. He'd hurry up to keep me waiting. If he said he'd get me at 6:30 for dinner and show up at 8:30...knowing the restaurant a half hour away has a kitchen thst closes at 9...and I hadn't eaten waiting. I would feel a tense grating anger when he spoke, like I've never felt before. One day I just told him: "You create more pain in my life then joy, bye!" ...he stalked me for years after, even tried to hoover me. Eventually he moved when he found some supply elsewhere

[@carnationbeauty181]

Thank you so much for this video. For the past few days, I have been questioning myself ..whether I have become toxic or narcissistic. This video cleared so much of the confusion. Thank you!

[@1Marflowa]

I was that sweet, caring, quiet, sensitive child till around the age of 14. Then slowely on, im still the sensitive one, but angry and in defend mode almost all the time. 43 years old now

[@ikhinarafatu4059]

I realized this some days go and this video explains it more. The lady always does, my peace irritates her so much. I thank God for healing 🎉

[@theharringtons2010]

I am just so thankful I saw through the manipulation and left...I was a wreck for years but these days life is good again 👍😁

[@AB.926]

Michelle you explain things so much better than most therapists. I am so glad to have found your channel.

[@annking1576]

You have to Learn how to remain calm (slow, deep breaths) & not react. Ignoring them blows them away. I use earplugs & reading on my tablet whenever I have to be in a room with a Narcissist. Pretending I don't hear her requests to use my car or do things for her & changing the subject or leaving the room without responding works well. That redirection is a great tool!

[@annking1576]

@Ai Zee Re-read it

[@elise8561]

@ann King Yes works wonders, I did that on a road trip with one!

[@T-BoneTribe]

You can’t live in harmony with your values while you live with a narcissist. Try and try as you may. Leave that person now!! Pure and simple!

[@victoriasmees5625]

Both of my parents have done this to me my entire life and I could cry and scream with anger and RELIEF at the exact same time. I FINALLY know how to EXPLAIN how I've felt my entire life!!!

[@danielle22226]

This totally happened to me. 7 years of this abuse seriously damaged both my mind and body. I’m done with that person now. Was living hell then, living hell now in recovery.

[@claydonkey2181]

I've got to say this information is a seam of gold... It's exactly what was happening in my long term (10 years!!!) relationship. I wish I had heard this a year ago and I hope others in problematic toxic relationships with those with NPD take heed. I would caveat the advice with this. Toward the end of the relationship I would physically remove myself from the ensuing argument, exiting an what would become an unresolvable dispute where the other party would not compromise their point of view or tolerate discourse - A consequence of this I was smeared for abandonment... Just a heads up

[@marilynjohnson519]

You write beautifully...claydonkey... Its amazing our stories the same....

[@emmajane646]

They will also block the door when you try to avoid an argument. They won't let you cool off, they need you to escalate and blow the gasket so they get supply and also can DARVO

[@llDerrickll]

This is soo important to know if you want your power back! Thank you so much! Very insightfull. This is WHY you should keep your peace. Everybody tells you you should.... Nobody tells you why

[@angellollar1083]

Experienced this. Yikes. Yes, I need to come back now.

[@estellacamacho9226]

Dear Michelle, Omg, thank you so much for this video!! I needed to hear this. This video has validated me so much. For awhile, I was even questioning if I was the Narcissistic one in our marriage. Before I got married, my personality was alot calmer, less stressful, barely knew what anxiety meant, barely said a curse word, & nor have I ever lashed out on anyone. Being married to an emotionally abusive husband has caused me to react in ways I've never acted before. Looking like the innocent one, he remains calm as a cucumber. I hate this part of myself!! And I don't want to make excuses for my behavior in anyway. I'm trying to work on myself on how I need to handle my emotions during arguments & not react. I'm taking it one day at a time. But once again Michelle, thank you so much for this video.

[@marisajones5187]

Hang in there! You're strong!

[@lukemilnes5525]

They talk to you in a way that makes your head spin and then when they push and push you and you stand up for yourself and tell them a home truth they put the phone down and block you! Does this happen to anyone else??

[@KaraLynnJack]

Yes they want to criticize you all day long when you finally tell them the truth about them, even if it's only one criticism they treat you like you've been criticizing them all day!

[@tammyfetter8812]

Thank you so much for this! I’ve been questioning myself for months now thinking that I’m turning into the narcissist! I didn’t know what was happening to me. I feel so far from myself these days. I am usually a loving, kind, patient person. But I am so quick to anger or get anxious lately. Of course I’ve been blaming myself. Which is exactly what he wants.

[@heavenlygrandma9992]

Excellent video. And thank you for not calling it reactive abuse. I actually posted a link to this video on another video where they called it reactive abuse. How is it abusive if it makes them happy? How is it abusive if they are training you to do that because they need that? I mean, that would be like calling killing someone in self defense reactive murder! Like you said, everybody has their limit. We just have to learn how to expand out limit... How to control our emotions so we don't get so much emotion built up that we have to get it out or we feel like we are going to explode. Emotions are energy in motion. IN MOTION.... they have to go somewhere! Expect crap from them so we are not shocked, surprised or hurt so those emotions don't build up.

[@MzGumby02]

I use to be so calm in relationships. The first time I started reacting this way was when my mother would mentally and emotionally abuse me. She'd call the police immediately when I reacted. One relationship I was in, this guy was always promising me all these things that we were gonna do. I called him out for not doing what he said he was going to do. He smirked at me while laughing in a condescending way saying how he wasn't god. I was so embarrassed, but I had no reason to be. He was leading me on. My last relationship my ex would always start lecturing me, or putting me down about the relationship. Was saying how I was doing all these things to her that I wasn't doing. I got tired of her always trying to say I was doing things that I wasn't...as if I had no feelings for her. I reacted, and that's when she started with kicking me out of her home. Later she would tell me that she would tell her mother how she couldn't talk to me, because I would explode. Yeah I would explode, because I was tired of her crap. I later would just walk away, and she would get so infuriated. They want you to sit there and take their mess, and you better not say a word. If you do react they will make sure that you know it's you and not them. It's like they get off on it. I literally have nightmares where I'm constantly standing up to all their abuse. My ex from my last relationship has passed away, but she still haunts me in my dreams.

[@martyvirtue4051]

Good she is dead

[@rodvan-zeller6360]

At 3:00 , you talk about how the narc is training you, and it is very correct, one thing how ever , is that the narc is fully aware of what he/she is doing, it is hard for a normal person to see this as a conscious act because a normal person could never do some thing this evil. It takes a long time of studying/investigation to come to this realisation

[@unknownfem9450]

It's so messed knowing that someone can be this evil. It's honestly crazy.

[@rodvan-zeller6360]

@@unknownfem9450 To us it is crazy , to them it is normal and we are nothing more than objects/tools to be used for their benefit what ever it may be at the time.

[@DeyaIV]

Excellent explanation, thank you so much! I did know that exploding from nowhere out of nothing was a sign of psychological abuse.

[@elenalarios3831]

It’s true, but l know my Lord will come forth to rescue me soon! And my Lord will surely expose him for what he really is. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are after him and by the grace of God, l will survive this abuse.

[@garycordle5295]

I learned one thing if someone I have to Google as who they are, major red flag, just my opinion 👍 up survivors and thrivers 🙏 good video thank you Michele.

[@katiebulski8044]

Thank you for sharing this, I’ve become such an angry person, I’m either shut down and numb or out of control angry. I wasn’t like this before. I have been so confused because I do look like the crazy one after almost 4 yrs with this person: I used to cry uncontrollably when he was cruel, now I never cry. I get mad. And now he’s not as cruel, esp after I had him arrested for physical abuse. I tried to get him out of my life but I let him back. I don’t like the person I am with him. It’s ugly. I feel so ugly.

[@rsoxx74]

I find this video very interesting. Not too long ago before the final discard my ex told me she was concerned that I was being so calm. I had gotten to the point where I just wasn't going to put up with any more lies and manipulation so I just didn't care anymore. She asked me why I was so calm it's not like you. I said does that bother you? She immediately said yes it does. Right there and then I just sat there and realize how little she actually cared about my well-being. She would rather be having me pulling my hair out and jumping through hoops rather than Give Me A Moment's Peace.

[@KaraLynnJack]

It's so sad what they enjoy doing to us...😑

[@livelife32]

What are some possible "rewards" for becoming reactive to their behavior? In my experience, if I become reactive they continue to escalate. Sometimes they may suddenly and rapidly de-escalate when I become reactive and then accuse me of escalate and act confused smh

[@michaelpoulosjr.2249]

I have struggled with anger issues most of my life, and got into therapy and have a better perspective on why I felt so angry. My ex realized this before I got into therapy and exploited it. So much to the point my father (whom I have my own struggles with) pointed out that I have always struggled with anger but I never got so angry as I did after I was in a relationship with her. I carried so much shame and guilt for my behavior and reactions that i was easier to manipulate because she would just exploit that to make me seem like I was the problem and they were always the victim. So twisted and evil. Hit the nail on The head when you said you have to explode to make it stop. The gaslighting and hamster wheel conversions meant to keep me distracted from uncovering the shady and dishonest behavior they were engaging in, only to further have them use it as leverage to show me I was “the bad guy”.

[@MrWesleysDad]

Holy crap.. I’m 50 seconds in and I had to comment. I’ve dealt with this for 6 years now, and never had I heard anyone say the words I’ve thought. I used to be calm and happy, now on edge, argumentative, and angry. I’ve tried to explain this so many times.. and people just look at me like what I’m saying is weird. She pssed all over my life, man. My kids, my home, my money, my animals, my car, my job, my credit.. but she played the victim so well.. so so well. Ugh.

[@ericnorthman9410]

I have been a targeted individual for 10 years. When you are browbeat over a long period of time - of course it will fray your nerves. But this may be because of long term abuse - then yes they will tell everyone what a terrible person you are because you are just reacting to their abuse. Its true they can change you from the constant hammering. Get away as soon as possible !

[@satyasatya6694]

My mother was a covert sweet narcissist who destroyed my life, she was not physically abusive, she would buy me lot of gifts but she will go tell all my friends how horrible I am and lie , she was a blatant lier, I am 62 yrs old, she is dead and and gone, I will never heal.

[@mijadelsol]

I feel like I never have the thought let me just be angry. There is no thought it’s just like almost like a can’t even believe what’s being said or what’s happening, and the only reaction that comes out of my body is instant rage there’s no thinking, and it feels like I’m being manipulated like somethings being done to me, that makes me explode like it’s so much of a mindfuck that I’m fragmenting.

[@greggeer6231]

Michelle, thank you so much for all your videos. I've been watching a lot of them lately, trying to figure out what is happening in my marriage. To thank all these years, it was me that was the problem or I just couldn't fix it. thank you for helping all of us see what is really going on, and helping us to understand what we can do about it. I've been dealing with this for so long, this is what I really need right now.

[@chrishensley-n1v]

It is so bad that my kids cought on before I did. My wife seems to almost love to trigger me into fussing, fighting ,arguing. Be it text phone or in person. they actually told me and I quote " dad just stop you know she is just trying to get you upset and say something that you are going to not mean or want to say." To almost everyone that I know say I have a great sense of humor and honestly I can get along with almost anyone. SHE has told me over and over again that I'm a narcissists. So much that I started to think that I am one. What can I do to help my boys and I situation?

[@alimccreery755]

I’ve noticed how I feel when I’m not interacting with the two narcissist in my life and I’m clam and that alone speaks for itself. 🥰👍❤️Thank you for your sharing.