How The Anxious Sabotages Their Relationships (& How To Fix It!)

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[@jdprettynails]

Oh.....it me..... I'm in a relationship with an avoidant and he needs gus personal space, which I want to give to him....but I'm so scared of losing him all the time. I have this fear that if I'm not spending time with a person, I cease to exist once they're no longer spending with me.

[@healingwithcharlie]

This is a common fear for anxious. It's important to come up with a shared definition for quality time between you and the avoidant. Quality time doesn't have to be all the time, plus distance and some time apart is healthy and can make a connection stronger :)

[@jdprettynails]

@@healingwithcharlie Thank you. This is something I'm starting to learn. I just miss him all the time. I know he appreciates it though...in his own way. He's not as overtly affectionate as I'd like...but when we're apart, he sends me stuff all the time. Mostly memes he thinks I'd like. But yesterday he sent me a random selfie! He's super shy about his appearance so it felt really special. My friends are like "calm down, that's nothing" but it felt like a big deal to me. Or like when he tells me little pieces about how hard his childhood was. Usually he gets me to do all the talking. So I really treasure those little parts of himself he does share....even though I wish he'd do that more often!

[@helenaoneill]

I feel you...

[@robertdeskoski9783]

This assumption is also flawed. 70-75% of people are secure/anxious attaches. Moving towards behaviours are the norm. Secure attachers will just move on from a relationship if they feel they're being pushed away on a continual basis, whereas an anxious attacher will attempt to bridge the gap. Saying that too much distance isn't an issue when we're social creatures and generally crave interdependence is incorrect. We wouldn't have therapy for avoidant attachers (who experience higher than average levels of repressed and chronic anxiety and due to floodong cortisol can actually die younger) if distancing was fine.

[@haihai5293]

Thanks!

[@meeraraj0]

Just found your channel. It's simple clear. I think I'm anxious avoidant. I didn't know about this stuff and tried to speak to a friend about his hot cold behavior. He found it hurtful. I tried very hard not to get triggered. I didn't know about dismissive avoidant. After we spoke I saw he blocked me on whatsapp. I respect his choices. Yesterday he saw my story on Instagram after 6 weeks of silence. Is there hope. I thought this was done. We were good friends but only now I rralise attachment wounds came to surface. I wish we would be friendly again. He's very avoidant but he's a good person.

[@healingwithcharlie]

It's impossible to predict but anything is possible. There's always hope he may come back around again but what's also important is if your needs are equally being met when he does. In the meantime, focusing on you is the best option until it happens. Wishing you luck! :)

[@abekabe678]

Thanks for your videos, i don't know how you figured this out but it hits home.

[@healingwithcharlie]

I may be guilty of a few sabotaged relationships in my day lol

[@AS-zv2pc]

Can you explain more about the behavior that can be seen as selfish. Im an anxious attachment/people pleaser. The person I was with was was avoidant. She kept making the comments that I was doing it to be transactional. For instance I'm doing nice things for her because I expect nice things in return. That wasn't true I was doing those nice things because I care about her and I was showing with my actions and not just my words and when we would argue I would bring up I do these things for you and she says you don't have to do these things for me cuz you expect me to do nice things back for you so can you please explain that whole people pleaser and why they see that as selfish cuz I don't get it

[@healingwithcharlie]

It’s possible for both to be true, where you were doing things out of goodness while they felt it was transactional. Sometimes people will say these things to us because they’re unable to reciprocate the same energy back, and rather than communicating that they take it out on us to justify in their mind why we aren’t a good partner for them, rather than addressing their own issues. If you believe you were a good person than you were, that’s what matters most