I'm the dumper and after barely three weeks of no contact I've crumbled. Maybe I lack resolve but that's literally all it took. The gaping hole where she used to be was immediately and intensely painful. I just sent her a small book requesting she let me take her out to dinner and talk. She's got me for life now if she'll have me, holy shit do I never want to experience that again.

How long does each of these stages last ?

Thanks for this video. It provides a workable alternative to other ' cut them off' vidoes . Be blessed

Just out of curiosity... I understand that (fearful) avoidants have trust-issues and have problems with being vulnerable because of their vulnerabilities being used against them. But why have they (seemingly) no problem with breaking trust themselves and use the vulnarabilities of the other person against them ? We all need trust and not have our vulnarabilities used against us either.

My ex is an avoidants that hates losing control... No contact helped me grow.. gain confidence and love myself more

I'm an anxious avoidant, I broke up with my anxiously attached ex boyfriend a few months ago. I feel bad for having left him and I think of my ex every day. I totally relate to what you're saying as an avoidant. I'm happy I found your channel ❤

This might be weird or selfish for me to admit. But to know a lot of people in here are going through something similar or even worse than me gives me a little peace knowing someone could feel the way I am feeling. Seeing a lot of you strong people here is encouraging and inspiring. Hope you all feel better soon

I dated this guy (I presume FA) for 2 months: I wanted to go slow but he pushed me to open up and be myself quickly; I really liked him but it was difficult to trust him and open up due to his hot/cold behaviour (one moment talkative/loving and the next introverted/cold). The day I told him I was ready to be my self and open up, because I thought he was worth it, he chose to break up out of the blu. He said that he liked me but not enough, and that he couldn't imagine a relationship with me, without giving me other explainations. He was crying, and hugged me really tight, I saw he was in pain. At he moment I couldn't understand what was happening, he was choosing to give up on me, taking me away the opportunity to express myself with him. Now I understand that he was projecting on me his inability to open up, and therefore he was pushing my boundaries . Trying to give myself an explaination, I have discovered this attachment style, and it hurts a lot knowing his action are based on a trauma response. I wanted to be the person who showed him that he could be seen, heard and loved unconditionally.

Good stuff thank you

I love you ❤️

I'm the ex avoidant in this equation and most of this sounds accurate. I'm probably the one that's more insecure between my ex and I (being 10 years apart and somewhat texting again). Or at least she's good at pretending she doesn't care.

Hi. I would have to add something to you conversation. I myself still are not sure but i get the impression that i might tend to "mostly" have the anxious attachment style. Or do we say anxious preoccupied? Is there a difference? But what i wanted to add to the "spectrum" of anxious behaviour here is. I think i am very anxious. But i don't ever really yell at people or get physically abusive or just deceive it. So even for somebody that is not lightly anxious it doesn't mean that they lose control in an argument. And to explain myself... I think its obvious why i am here watching those videos. And if somebody that i care about alot after 8 years is leaving me. I admit to try to keep the conversation up. I tried to reassure. I tried to stay in contact. Don't wanna lose them. I just can't. I asked alot why it isn't possible to still see each other at least. To keep the connection up. But always in a calm way. Not in an accusatory way. I get it that some people feel accused in a way and that guilt gets triggered in them when you want those conversations. But we have to draw a line under the word "abusive" here. And we have to see if our behaviour is in fact abusive or harmful to other people. Or if we we still just seek out and keep up a respectful conversation with someone without any harsh or mean words. But if you then get accused of manipulation for example. I don't know if you should villainize someone right then. In an argument with a Dismissive avoidant/fearful avoidant i was once told i should stop yelling. where i had to check myself in that moment. I was visibly just a little stressed or upset and my facial expressions or eyes showed it and my voice tone shifts to a little higher frequency but the volume wasn't even raised drastically or aggressively threatening. So why does somebody tell me then to stop "yelling"? Just wanted to say here i am anxious... But in no way am i abusive. On the contrary i am pretty much a very warm-hearted guy. Very vulnerable. And it is pretty hard if you abruptly get left behind by someone you love and you ask yourself or even them "how can you do that now when we were recently so loving to each other"

Voice is calming my man

Excellent advice and bravo to you for doing the work . Thanks for sharing ❤.

Sweet dear… being bi or gay is ok, but thanx for the vids

DAs dont regret and come back genuinely, they just love hovering..to test the waters again with you for a short time then leave at their convenience.

Thank you for this. I came across your video at the beginning of my NC. I found them day 1 and learning about this has helped me understand better. I was feeling severely depressed today and this helped. Not because I hope we get back together but because I am trying to work on myself and be better.

Avoidants turn even secure types into anxious because they crush you down so much :( So think a lot before you welcome him (or her) back for a re-run. If the avoidant wont chance what will become better?

Great video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

You mentioned at the end of video that we could share our story with you. I gotta good one -

It is so hard doing this... I feel falling apart..

Oh shuts…. I … am avoident…?

Got dumped 2 months ago from a 2 years relationship. I got immediatly in NC after saying him that we've could work things out. He said he wasnt attracted to me anymore (which I know isnt true, more of a lot of resentments of him towards me cause of certains things that I did which hurt him). He became immediatly a party animal and posted a lot. I also know that he has been on dating apps, and I know that he has been rejected quite a few times. I've reach out 6 weeks later with a simple " Hi, just wanted to know if you are well " which he responded with "doing great actually, what about you ? Well, I don't really want to start a conversation with you to be honest. Sorry". This text message has been the exact time I started to finally give up on the relationship with him. He seems to be even better now that I texted him. But I am done. I want someone who chose me. I deleted him on every social media, and I start to reconstruct all the mess. I love him and miss him, but it gets better. I know he'll regret later, we had a superb relationship so far.

100

I really wish these people came with a hand book.

Sometimes their 'creature comfort' is engaging in interactions publicly and/or privately with multiple people they're sxlly interested in on social media - even though that behaviour cost them a potentially solid romantic relationship in the first place.

Mine FA broke up (it seems that he got triggered unintentionally in the abandonment and I'm bad wounds), then showed up twice in the first month, stopping to talk briefly and he was still emotional, then disappeared completely for 1 month, then showed up again but no stop, just saying Hi with the hand, then we bumped into each other and he was cold, distant,unemotional (looked a bit angry though), we had a small argument, then 4 days later he showed up again (he has this pattern to search for me where he knows he can find me at a specific time, did this also while together until he verbalized it and we started to meet before his morning shifts), no stop just saying Hi with the hand and now again MIA (it's been 2 weeks now) 😑

Going through no contact so far I got through the first month. I’m trying to keep busy and work on myself. It’s been hard not to text or call him but it’s slowly getting easier.

My ex was highly toxic And the breakup ended in an argument Which I was simply tired of the toxic arguments

My boyfriend of 1 year just ended things a few days ago due to his inability to heal fully as a recovering addict. He didn’t know how to commit in a relationship and heal as well (he is about to be 2 years sober). He said that he needed “time” to depend on himself since he hasn’t be able to accomplish that yet. It broke my heart because I have always put his sobriety first but I think he categorized our relationship as a codependency and put me under the category of other addictions rather than the category of his supporters. He said I’ve been wonderful to him… there is a part of me that hopes we can cross paths again during a time where he is at his most healed version of himself. A version that he’s proud of and can fully commit himself to me with; because what we were building was beautiful. I hate and love him at the same time and I’m still so hurt and angry. Sigh prayers please.

Unpopular opinion. People label others as ‘avoidant’ when in fact they just didn’t want you enough. I bet that same person will come across someone they will call the avoidant one.

We were together 8 years together with beautiful ups and completely confusing out of left field downs, but I never gave up on him. I loved him so much. Out of nowhere he left. No warning, no goodbye. I had no idea about attachment styles until I started looking into his behavior. I thought he was Borderline. Since I have cptsd, I understood the struggle and was trying to be there for him. The more lies I started finding out about and the more he ghosted me, I started to lose trust and became distant to protect myself. That's when he vanished. I thought we loved each other so much that he would get help. Instead, he gave up on us. Something he asked me to promise to never do. Im not sure if I'll ever be able to love someone the way I loved him, or even at all. A year later, and Im still missing him. Im not in as much pain, but it still hurts. I now know this to be a trauma bond. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

After a relationship for nearly two years, and in reality it did not exceed three months due to the on and off .He came back after seven months and was trying to communicate daily, but he disappeared again, and I could no longer tolerate this behavior, especially since I spoke to him that how harmful this behavior is to me. I blocked him from all sites. I miss him now but I can't stand it anymore

Do you happen to have any vids on advice or tips to work on any of the points you mentioned ?

My ex partner said he didn’t want to be friends and his actions pretty much show he despises me. He’s so cold and distant. My last effort was I asked if we could just have a nice dinner somewhere , no agenda, he chooses the place and my treat, he said no… that was my last attempt. Now we are full on no contact bc of course he doesn’t talk to me… doubt he’ll come around … right?

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.

Sounds like an oxymoron. I went no contact with an avoidant it's been 3 years of no contact. I guess I'll post another update next to confirm there is still 😅 no sign of him.

This is a great video. I think my ex and I will likely take the same path so it gives me hope... and honestly I'm really anticipating and looking forward to the relationship being much better and stronger. I had already come to the conclusion that would be the case because the first time around was such a dumpster fire lol (on both sides, we were both tripping over our baggage and each other's baggage... sighhhh). Thank you so much for sharing your experience!

Mine told me they “couldn’t be in a relationship right now” as “closure I deserve” lol and is now on the exact dating app I met them on. Laughable. Good luck

I dated this guy for 7 months and he promised marriage and I thought he was serious about me based on how he treated me, but then I learned that he went around and pretended to be single all this time he was dating me. I broke up with him after 7 months of dating because he fooled me all this time. I wonder if he will ever regret doing this to me. He's blocked me everywhere, he's been avoiding me and my questions. I wonder if he will ever come back and apologise

1 month NC now. At the beginning I just wished n prayed that 1 day they would be ready, to do the work n change. But as time passes Im seeing myself, them & the situation for what it is. Ask yourself, if u were hypothetically ur bestie or family, askin advice about ur/their situation/confusionship w an avoidant what would u say? U want the best for them, is this the best?? Really?? I've been tracking and journalin my progress n Im at about 96% detachment/over it. I have no ill will, hate, blame, guilt, shame, just acceptance. The space and distance also allows your subconscious to calm down and say what it really wants and I think like most people, I do not want this if the avoidant is not healed. The emotional & spiritual price to bridge the avoidant gap is too steep n I am not going to sink myself in a sunk cost fallacy. It is so painful to be in this type of situation, it is a pain I never thought I could experience. But my whole body is screaming "Thank you!!! Finally we are free!! I hope they never come back bcus it will be hard again!". I am glowing again, I feel more confident than ever bcus this situation has taught me so much about myself, my traumas and ushered in a new healing era. Let yourself tell you what u need vs. What u want n then listen n set the right boundaries. Time and space will reveal all n heal all. Good luck and all the love to you! 🙏💯❤️‍🔥💫

I dated an avoidant guy for 3 years. He would distance himself, put walls up and actively sabotage our relationship which was LDR btw. Sometimes, he would break up with me and get back together. I tried my absolute best to be understanding, caring and nurturing. Sacrificed my own needs to make more room for him and gave my all at the expense of my own mental health. Eventually my anxiety got really bad and i ended up having a panic attack because he was hostile towards me. Of course I left. He texted me earlier this year saying he misses me and everything and i showed those texts to my now boyfriend. NEVER take people for granted and always leave vicious cycles like this. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

She found someone else and I found myself. During no contact, I got back in contact with myself.

I must say your captions attract to watch your videos 😂

I've been in no contact for a few months and although I still have feelings for my ex, it's become clear to me why the relationship ended. I was the one who made all the adjustments to fit her needs and now that we're apart, my needs have once again become important to me. She briefly reached out to me about a week ago but not sure getting back together is in the cards for either of us. I'm dating people now who are a better match and I think I'll be happier with someone else in the future. Not sure what might happen if she eventually comes back but changes would have to be made and I don't think she's capable of that.

Why would anyone go back to an avoidant? We never contact nobody back, we might get a little nostalgic but quick lived. We truly love our independence and having someone clingy is dead weigh

Did your ex date someone new quickly after you broke up? My dismissive avoidant ex started dating someone 2 months after he ghosted me (and we were planning on being engaged this year)… It’s been 6 months now since the breakup, and as far as I know, he is still with her. It’s still incredibly painful for me.

Do not take back an avoidant ex .. your life will soon be miserable again and again . They are not worth it . Save your sanity and time .

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

If you always do what always did, you'll always get what you always got!