How the narcissist stole YOUR ability to be CAREFREE

[@gugubanda9608]

Always guarded. Always mindful of words and actions. It's more like you are not allowed to be normal.

[@galamander_1327]

Yes. Simply being grounded or well rested was not allowed. Throughout my childhood I remember having to hide my own contentment, a momentary satisfaction, and simple well-being. If I was any of those things, even in a quiet way, my narc parent would attack me, punish me, find some way to sabotage my efforts. Only exhibiting heaviness, anxiety, or despair kept me somewhat shielded from her wrath.

[@gugubanda9608]

I hear you. No contact and distance have been a part of my healing journey. Sending you lots of love to be your true self unapologetically ♥️♥️

[@christineplaton3048]

And we dont understand others. We are confused and need to feel safe solid in our family and relationships. As i write this Dr Ramani states Psychological safety.. thats it. There is no connectedness as the family or group scapegoat. We hope ...we may have interior desires, but we are on a solo path. We just dont know how to trust until we are shown others understand. To find the support group we need can take years. The flying monkeys or other narcissists in life are bent on our destruction, also. Safe space? Did life ever have a safe space?

[@gugubanda9608]

@christineplaton3048 In God's presence yes there is a safe space. In a relationship with the Holy Spirit and acknowledging the presence of the holy spirit yes we do have a gauranteed safe space. Definitely not in the presence of narcissists and flying monkeys. The best safest space there is, is a home and environment without flying monkeys and narcissists.

[@christelleny]

Leave it to Narcs to make your life dark, heavy and unbearable, then blame you for not being light, happy and care free... It takes YEARS to recover a sense of safety after leaving a narcissistic relationship behind. Nevermind a sense of trust, self-trust, hope, self-worth, and self-love. Narcissistic abuse is apocalyptic!!! But healing does bring ligth back. Always remember that in your darkest moments. ❤

[@darlenesmith7487]

No

[@matilda1505]

Thank you for that

[@Blahblahmeow]

I’ve been riding the wave for four years working on healing and moving forward. It only takes a few of his words to leak into my brain, two steps forward one back every time. Absolute scum! 😢

[@shaniecegullison]

❤thanks

[@ashleypearson7848]

Thank you for your very kind comment

[@matilda1505]

At this point I don’t need him to bring joy to my life, I just need him to stop sabotaging my efforts to happiness.

[@Merlin0426]

Thank you for sharing. I didn't realize I am at this same point until I read your comment.

[@janjeny]

Matilda, I cannot change the one who is fond destroying my joy. I still have joys and entertainment but I do not share anything with him. How can I do it since * know he is the joy killer? I rejoice in life excluding him

[@racheltattersall995]

I felt the same way. The only thing that helped me is leaving. I spent so much energy trying to make him see my point of view, trying to help him understand. He never changed, he just took all my energy and now I have it to spend on other things that bring me joy.

[@carolynjaynes9094]

I'm paranoid, anxious, afraid, haunted by traumatic memories, depressed, angry at how I was treated, untrusting, cynical. I used to be so happy doing what I love. I entered a spiritual center and saw people smiling, making music, sharing food at a potluck party and I felt light and happy again like I used to. It was like I found my people. They were friendly and helpful. It felt genuine and kind. I really noticed the difference between night and day. We deserve to feel safe, joyful, and loved.

[@samsarapearl]

This is so relatable. Despite being separated from a toxic narc for almost 10 years, the hypervigilance and inability to relax and be carefree persists. I still need to remind myself several times a day that everything is ok.

[@z32luvr]

They steal your innocence and trust which equates to carefree.

[@lauragrolla5916]

Perfectly said. I appreciate what you said.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

Thank you for saying that we don't need to condemn ourselves for the dark and the weight we carry. The words "You need to learn to love yourself" sometimes feel like shaming to me. As though it’s my fault I struggle with self-love, and the solution is as simple as changing my mind. I wish. I had a revelation recently. It sounds horrible, but it’s actually freeing. I hate myself. I know it’s not an acceptable thing to say. It’s still the painful truth. BUT. That's not a failing on my part. Abusers spent 55 years teaching me to hate myself. I had no way to know they were wrong. It would be surprising if I _didn't _ hate myself. Now I know they were wrong, but it’s a pretty fundamental part of my world. Wounds like that go deep, and they heal slowly. That's not a failing on my part, either. There's no need to shame myself for the results of someone else's actions. There’s no need to shame myself for not making an instant recovery. I hate myself, and that's not a good thing, but now that I've admitted and accepted it, I can look at it in the cold light of day. That hate comes from someone else, not me, and it is a lie. I need to peel it off, not fight with myself. I recognized the other day that I was actively hating on myself. I wrote down a list of what I was hating on. The usual suspects. It was a marvel and a wonder to look at the list and say, "These things are not true. I believe them anyway, but that is because I was taught to believe them, not because there is something wrong with me. It will take time to believe in the truth, but that’s okay, because I spent a long time being taught to believe the lie." I've stopped shaming myself for a valid emotion. I accept that while while it's valid, it’s based on a lie. Now I'm working on forgiving myself for believing the lie and giving myself grace while I unlearn it. Acknowledging the hate is clearing the way for healing. Love is what you do, so I guess I'm loving myself. I wish this was as easy to do as it is to write it.

[@ruaidaismail1686]

Thank you so much for this awesome comment. You're 💯. May God put ease into your efforts.

[@callista5625]

My narcissistic mother used to nag me abt my weight and appearance, saying i should try harder. And for my first prom, the dress i was gonna wear (that i felt so cute in) disappeared the night before. Later she said it made me look fat and that she would be saving me from embarrassment. Now 22, my mom finally admitted she was jealous of me. And that doesn't even break the surface of the loathing and abuse i tolerated unwittingly from her, she's an alcoholic- and as she ages, the more she endangers herself. Ive been no contact for months now. So much to heal from

[@SLIONS-go9wq]

I had to wake up early, turn up the heat, get ready for school (never had school supplies or clean clothes), wake my brothers up, not eat breakfast (ever), shovel the driveway, heat up the car...then wake up my mother and panic as I asked her for $1 for school lunch and the ride to school. She acted so put out, every, single, time. And she wonders why I was so burned out by the time I reached high school. I was just young, hungry, tense, and nervous all the damned time.

[@lauragrolla5916]

I had to raise my mama, too, in a way. I just thought it was my job. I took care of all her kids and she was one of them.

[@critchie]

❤

[@gugubanda9608]

@@lauragrolla5916 "She was one of them" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I don't mean to laugh but hey 🤣🤣🤣

[@ashleypearson7848]

Sorry you guys had to go through this! Not fair at all 😢

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I used to be super fun carefree easy going generous etc…until I felt so worn out and broken by narcissistic abuse I felt damaged weird heavy negative etc... But I am proud of myself for learning to be discerning, protecting myself and grateful for the safe space where I can relax into my more carefree fun self. Keeping boundaries with the unhealthy family or friendship dynamics. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@WaterBug46]

Indeed, and you aren’t even aware it happened. You’re just utterly exhausted all the time. I live near major theme parks and part of my therapists protocol was for me to go once a week for joy therapy. Years later I still go once a week. Not everyone has this luxury but being around lots of happy people can certainly lift your spirits and start the healing journey. I’ve met the nicest, kindest people from all over the world and they’ve helped restore my hope and trust in humanity.

[@lauragrolla5916]

So beautiful. Joy therapy!

[@lindapost6761]

I never thought of the lovely car rides as joy therapy but I will now!!

[@T.I.M.E.L.E.S.S.247]

I was a FIRST CLASS student at University. Now, I find it challenging to articulate myself as I stutter in speeches due to my life-long exposure to narcissistic abuses of silent treatments, gaslighting, and stonewalling from my teachers, family members, and uneven people I don't know once I appear before them they tend to project their insecurities on me. I have been stoic, but it is getting the better of me.

[@chivalokafor]

My exact experience 😢. Registered nurse

[@janjeny]

Please dear ones don't allow the narcs to be successful in destroying joy , happiness, success out if you. Go on in anything you desire to accomplish by the help of God you ll know you will be strong, successful snd happy. Do not share it with a narc he eill destroy it. God be your guide. God bless you both

[@foxerrr7864]

I remember when I was a child, probably starting around age 8 or 9, and had forced visitation with my father and we would go out to dinner - I would excuse myself to go to the bathroom but then go around and apologize to the server, the hostess and other staff who might interact with him and tell them that he was really mean and its not their fault. Even as an adult I apologize profusely to decent people when I am around narcs who are misbehaving, because it’s still mortifying.

[@heatherh5639]

I witnessed abhorrent behaviour by a supermarket customer to a young bakery worker and being a new older employee spoke to her to say it was unacceptable rudeness..and she said oh yeah don't worry we get that all the time. Sadly, this entitled behaviour has become normalised to the point of us accepting and expecting and coping with it. I will call it as i see it from now on ❤️

[@lauragrolla5916]

This really helped me not feel shame about being wounded and wary. Thank you. You do such important work. Healing always happens for me when I listen to you. We are lucky to have you free us from the patterns that hurt.

[@genevalawrence801]

This video hit hard. As the oldest daughter of a narcissistic mother, I lost the privilege of being carefree early. And then she criticized me for not being a light-hearted, happy child. Thank you for putting it into words and validating my experience. I have found moments in time to be something close to carefree. Those moments came from moving halfway around the planet from my family of origin, back during the “dark ages” when the internet wasn’t a thing. It’s true that you can’t escape the person living inside of your own head. I carry that heaviness you describe with me. But I was able to achieve some relief from the heaviness imposed on me by others through distance.

[@NicoleAlexandra]

So good! Just today I was wondering why I can't just "flow" without a care in the world when a lot of people around me seemingly can... Always on point, Dr. Ramani ❤

[@PalaszewskiFamily]

You helped me make sense of my entire heavy existence. Thank you for your wise words.

[@insiteandawareness3500]

I was very happy before the narcissistic relationship and now I'm trying to get that happiness back. I suppose that would be my care free side.

[@moniqueteal7153]

I was ( now recovering) the Fixer, People Pleaser, Empath, Codependent, "Good" kid , Problem Solver, care giver for everyone . I was ( and still do at times) always trying to help everyone to do everything, taking on too much , making other peoples problems my own and not caring for myself.

[@lenore8767]

Thank you for acknowledging that “carefree” is a privilege

[@user-wi9hv2pb2q]

yes ❤. my narc mother made me worry about money and housing since I was about age 5. no child should worry about rent, or interest, or the cost of things.

[@nawalelabbassi7509]

Same here - narc mother - but despite her sickness she s always told me I could conquer tthe world which has been helpful with my child narc father who s now doing the same with my son , always talking about money and making him worry about silly things like Christmas dinner bill !!! Isn’t that sick ?!! now wondering how I can stay and keep my son away from that monster

[@goldenmilktea4992]

Seeing a happy family fills me with a lot of shame. It makes me feel like an outsider. I wish I didn't have that feeling, but it's hard not to cry when I see a healthy families.

[@ElimEx1]

Just know that there is no such thing. Every family has skeletons, traumas, anger, hatred. You are not alone!

[@lourdeswright]

Goldenmilktea: nobody deserves the pain u experience. They obviously don’t deserve your sadness & tears. Bad ppl will weed themselves out of your life, then u can make room for those who deserve u. And you will. 😊

[@patricebest545]

You are not alone Found especially hard Birthdays Christmas Now 65 non existent since birth 😢

[@erinward2983]

I can relate to you having been the best at school and confident in the abilities I knew myself to have. I felt secure in at least knowing the book worm part of myself and group of good friends would carry me through this journey. Most of my life at the time felt safe and I thought I knew those few things. Through and through. True. Enter narcissism. Long before I knew it by name…the world I knew was nowhere to be seen or felt. I was secondary, coming to know myself as a player in my parents game. Flip turned and upside down. Out goes your life and carefree mentality. Along with the smile Id only just found replaced by a frown. In comes nervousness. Anxiety. Panic stricken studying. Medication prescribed just to rest. Believing you’re somehow incomplete, broken unanchored, and incompetent. Panic. Grief. Loss. Slowing down. Lost. Counting, racking up costs of subconscious confusion surfacing. Even about who are. The joy that took forever to find became lost beneath a frown. Lacking concentration. Can’t comprehend like you used to. You’re responsible for your upending. You’re external happiness that finally becomes real becoming a you that doesn’t want to feel. Broken seal. You wonder if the happiness was real. That joy that was so hard won had ended but only just begun. You thought it was endless but it was replaced by something else. A battle for your value Now what of the you you knew you knew. Rag dolls stuffing flies through air. Quality made. Maiden fair. Fair trade maid didn’t end or fall apart before upending bereievef spirits until they can’t pretend that anything any of it’ll ever end. The one who gets the madness also transcends grace into that which never finds a place to rest its weary head. Through the pain can grief ability to do so. Believing that you have no clue. Forgetting who is what and you are you. Still, forget it. Let it rain. And it will. The cold enters unwelcomely and defines you separately from everything you ever knew yourself to be. It finds its way to your center. I don’t think they’ll ever know. They don’t care to look deeply enough to know. The things they do and didn’t say. It follows you into the day. Death to the thrill that learning was. Along there comes a whole new you. One you didn’t welcome. One you never knew... In fact, one you end up wishing you’d never knew. She came along anyway. And some days between the heavy rain you’ll find the light and lack of pain. Then you’ll see the sun shining the and know the you you grew into was the you you always need to hold. You’ll know the pain of heavy rain and you’ll know you know a different way to the same new day. But we can relate to one anothers pain and everything between. Tne apathy won’t be much bother to us. We’ve long left the town, the bus, the sadness, and the rest of us. We walk forward with our heads held high and we have a different story. One we can appreciate if we remember we have got each other and a new set of eyes. We have the love to realize the fragility in humanness. Some will reckon to the world as they fall short of the delight thatand we will never forget the pain To this day I don’t feel the same. They don’t understand. They stole your name.

[@user-sx9hq7qwert]

Is contempt 4 “happy families” better than shame? Contempt 4 their naivety? Ignorance is NOT bliss. Most of e time, it is just blindness 2 what ppl can do. Sometimes, it is willful blindness. It is better 2 know than 2 be naive and think that ev1 is a good person. It is a very lonely road; hold tightly 2 God and do not b afraid to travel it.

[@sevit.1077]

i want to hug you Dr. Ramani. thank you 🥲

[@Buckley-qk6fq]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail. com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@carolynkepler2826]

It’s taken 12 years to finally feel carefree. When I was a teenager I was weighed down with my family’s unprocessed grief. I felt old. Now, at age 69, I’m finally out from under that burden. My brain thinks I’m 30.

[@ajvoit]

Yes.

[@meditativehypnosen-dr.ho-oq7zq]

Happy for you!

[@ninamars357]

"You used to be spontaneous!" says the covert narc. "You changed," says the covert narc. Translation: You used to do what I wanted and needed!

[@lauragrolla5916]

You used to be better supply! When a narcissist breaks their toy they get mad at it for being broken.

[@irenehurtig266]

Correct and it is so nice to meet normal people.

[@adelinas.7335]

Dr. Ramani your videos are like inoculation to the disease that is surviving a narcissist relationship. I can’t tell you how comforting it is to feel seen, and to understand that what we experience is normal and not us just feeling broken for no reason or different than others without cause. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on the topic. Always enlightening, on point, and perfect timing. 💕

[@ImBalance]

Quite a shaping experience for children who never know the experience of “carefree”

[@scott3357]

I didn’t create the mess, I just navigate through it. And let them take responsibility for their own actions, the same as I would expect of anyone else, and myself. That is true autonomy.

[@gazoo7411]

Yes Yes yes. Everything you said is correct! Also, the holidays are not really that joyful for many of us.. rather depressing actually.

[@FaustinaLai]

My older sister and I were tasked to take care of our dementia grandma at our early 20s, when we first started working and both my parents are in their 50s, healthy and not working. We didn’t understand it at that time, exhausting ourselves between work and care taking of our grandma. I was the first one who had enough and left to work abroad. Only 20 years later, in our 40s we understand this to be a narcissistic family system we are in. Thank God he saved us. And thank you Dr Ramani for sharing all these knowledge and information about narcissism for free. Thank you. ❤

[@SundayJones-mu2ig]

Dr. Ramani gets it. Thank you.

[@amyd3464]

When you talked about having a "heaviness" in a situation, it came to mind that in my early 20's, my friends would commonly tell me to "lighten up". I've outgrown those emotions, or opinions, but still can default into it, just not as intense. I relate to things that you bring out. Thank you.

[@lauragrolla5916]

I once had a friend who said, “The reason angels can fly is they don’t take themselves too seriously. You should lighten up.” It was so shaming. I felt scalded.

[@runswithraptors]

It's just a thought. It's just a thought of how you think your ego should be perceived in public because of your memories 😅 it's just a thought!

[@valenciadale3506]

I feel seen by this. Now I realize that even when I would take a vacation to get away from my daily life, wanting to reach the elusive level of carefree, I never could. I always dreaded going back home.

[@nopereradicator]

Hard to be carefree when you’re busy sweeping 🧹 up the life messes they create.

[@PrernaSharma-g3q]

So true

[@chandaniberry9369]

Very Well said.

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient...

[@GregMunro]

There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things.

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white...

[@GregMunro]

This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks..

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

You wont regret it

[@janjeny]

You succeeded because you both wanted 0:22 and tried to find solution. The narc. Doesn't want to cooperate. So what do we do? We go alone the way that is called life. We change our habits, thoughts, plans and we love it feeling the freedom

[@DominieRobinson]

During a movie when there was a sentimental scene , I teared up , and the Narc suddenly snapped his head over to me and yelled out " Look everybody She's Crying ! " I was both horrified and mortified.

[@homespace1268]

You should have replied back "Look everybody there's a Narcissist!".

[@Greenwings701]

Such an excellent description of our lives. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. We stood sentinel, sat, slept, traveled sentinel - always plugged into the narc's smallest need. It's what truly aged us, not just the passage of time. We're not really there mentally for frivolous celebrations; they all seem excessive, self-involved fetes and pageants.

[@betsyansel688]

I remember always feeling reactive when people made posts about how all mothers are so loving and nurturing - Not So!

[@matilda1505]

They are very key on killing your joy

[@DominieRobinson]

When I arrived at the mortuary for the viewing of my mother who had just died, I was having a moment standing next to her body , tearing up, and he Suddenly pulled out his phone and began snapping pictures like a papperazi with this really strange fixed, intensely focused bizzare expression on his face . I was horrified and yelled at him to "STOP !" . he didn't stop. He doubled down and later posted those moments of privacy all over facebook. I felt Raped !

[@kristenpouw2679]

That is just traumatic. I’m so sorry. You are in the best place to process your experiences with Dr. R.

[@badbinky]

@@DominieRobinson omfg i’m so sorry you went through this and i’m sorry for your loss😔🙏🏽

[@DominieRobinson]

@badbinky Thank you so much. Yeah, narcissists are notorious for bizarre behavior during moments of grief and at funeral homes during funeral but that day was a shocker

[@Kewsu113]

I grew up with a narcissist father and an unavailable mother. This is so true. I became the primary caretaker. When mother was sick or had trouble i had to parent her. I had to listen to my father boasting about himself 24/7 i was his emotional sponge. I had to be there my little brother. As an adult i feel weird. I don't know to act normal, be normal or be carefree. It feels like there is a default heavyness or The feeling that " I am messed up" which usually avoids me being normal

[@lauragrolla5916]

I can relate. I hope you find your way to peace. Be patient. I have been on this narc recovery journey for 10 years and I am finally inching toward more and more peace. I may never be carefree but I do finally accept that recovery may never fully happen but I can be happy anyway. Even us damaged people have a right to be broken and without shame about it.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you for your invaluable support and assistance dr Ramani ❤ I love Your compassionate heart. 😊

[@Stardusted1]

Hmmmm. This is the reason I’ve always felt so much older than my childhood friends. I’d watch them being kids and think they were sort of stupid. Even today in my old age, I realize that I’m always waiting for the axe for fall. I realize it now, way too late.

[@PalaszewskiFamily]

Take back your right to be carefree!

[@sheilawilliams9080]

Self protection. To be carefree was and is to let ourselves be vulnerable to Narcissistic abuse.

[@zandrea6597]

Thank you for everything you do 🫶🏾

[@daniellee1722]

You're right Dr. Ramani no one is truly carefree. However within the confines of responsibilities and expectations I do have more freedom now. Changing my career and going no contact with the narcs in my family has done wonders for my mental health.

[@scottmaricle1077]

You keep getting it all better and better. Thank you for all you do.

[@Coral_Forever]

Thank you for this. Lately, Dr. Ramani's videos feel tailor-made to my experiences. ❤

[@4Nevyn]

I honestly don't like to use the term narcissistic for my family. It just seems wrong. I was told by my counsellor in my 30 ies that my family was expecting too much from me. But I always struggled with relationship so they were the stable ones. They were the ones who needed me. I never realised that them "needing" made it so that I never had what I need. But the truth came to light when my family decided they didn't "need" me any longer. And I literally got pushed out of my house. They again decided to "need" me after 2 years because they were getting criticism from the society. Then they pushed me out the second time again. Like an idiot I still didn't get it. I still felt being "needed" was important. Recently I had a health issue and I saw my family for their true colours for the first time. I am still struggling because I literally have no one other than my cat. But I keep telling myself it is better to be alone than be with people that you don't enjoy.

[@suzymagan7575]

@4Nevyn I can totally relate. It took brain surgery and too many wasted years for me to see how unimportant I am to my f.o.o. It was life changing for me. I stopped all servitude and realized being needed only served them. It hurts but I am no longer beholden to any of them and it's such a freeing experience.

[@lauragrolla5916]

It is so much better to be alone. I hope you find one good friend. Even just one can undo so much wariness and damage.

[@badbinky]

it wasn’t until i was crying, stranded in another state on my birthday (because of my ex ) that i realized i was with a terrible person who took zero responsibility for the pain they caused and they never will. and that’s okay. so thankful that im free from them every tho i still face them from time to time and am reminded of the struggle but i know how far i’ve come. it’s possible to move on and feel happy again

[@ilovesunflowersunny2098]

Wow, u made me speechless...i always wondered why i wasn't like the other kids who were "carefree".. but what was weird was my mother would tell me "why aren't you carefree like the others?".. and she is one of the main reasons for not having that "lightness" and me carrying so much burden. It is insane that i was gaslit and made to believe that me not being "carefree" was my fault.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. Yet another NEXT LEVEL VIDEO. I remember cooking and cleaning for my multi-generational narcissistic family from the age of 13. I was expected to be Nanny and House Manager. They absolutely believed I owed it to them.

[@SamLove-e8b]

I was a caregiver to my grandmother from 7-10 or until she passed. This was actually doing things that nurses do, not children but my family always told me that I should be happy and grateful for the time I spent with her! Even though, I was basically her slave and some things she taught me gave me nightmares for YEARS! Some are just to blind to see that children should be free to be children. I tell myself that maybe they couldn't help it and it was the way they were raised, etc. I don't know... What I DO know is EXACTLY how you feel. My heart goes out to you.

[@moniquejackson7741]

@@SamLove-e8b 🥰

[@Magy09able]

You pinpointed it so well, I'm shocked. I've always had this heavy depressed look since I was 13. Everyone always tells me to smile, and my life in general is not at its worst, but I barely feel it. For me life has always been a list of chores and problems. The only time I feel a glimpse of being carefree and not stressed is when I watch a good movie or read a book.

[@MrGrumpyGills]

Same!

[@orielwiggins2225]

Thank you! I don't know how many times I've been told, especially when I was in college, "you shouldn't take yourself so seriously" or I am told I am the dark cloud, not positive enough. I was even presented publicly in from of my whole class a graduation gift of a children's book of "Eeyore's little rainy day book". It always stings and sends a clear message of "there's something wrong with you if you are experiencing it this way".

[@microdosenyc4515]

Ouch- the Eeyore book would sting. THAT’s MEAN! I’m sorry you experienced that in front of a group.

[@orielwiggins2225]

@microdosenyc4515 thank you. And as a highly sensitive person who can't stand being center stage even for positive things, I think that younger me really didn't know how much these things impact me, but was rather uncomfortable, and of course being conditioned by two narc parents, I just defaulted to, they are all right, there must be something wrong with me. Some of the classmates got mildly roasted in their gifts too. But they were the kinda kids who lived for that kinda teasing and being center stage.

[@lourdeswright]

@@orielwiggins2225 nothing wrong w/ u. Plenty wrong w/ the adults in your life who participated in making u feel miserable.

[@user-sx9hq7qwert]

It wasn’t a gift, they weren’t your friends, and none of it was your fault. So sorry that they were like that. Much love and healing.

[@orielwiggins2225]

@@lourdeswright thank you. I mostly know that, but the inner child still struggles sometimes.

[@lou1880]

Well this video hits home. I recently found a picture of me from my early 20s that my now-deceased mom took on my birthday when she visited me in my new apartment. I'm glowing with youth in the photo and smiling, but it was one of the worst weekends of my life. Without my dad there, my mom subjected me to withering emotional abuse and ripped me to shreds over how badly I'd disappointed her while I sobbed uncontrollably for hours. Decades later I'm still haunted by this memory. My mom pretended to be a caring, generous person but deep down she was a manipulative toxic bully who took advantage of these situations to let her cruelty fly. But I didn't understand this at the time - I just thought I probably deserved it and it was just unfortunate that it happened on my birthday.

[@Jonimusic11]

Love you so much Dr Ramani, and told the library about your book. Thank you all for your bravery in speaking up. Your strength and healing will grow. Stay on the high ground, and know you are loved. So many are being helped in this moment. Yay!

[@suzanneadamson1306]

Being a HSP & escapee from an extended narcissistic marriage, I share ur heaviness/melancholy. "Vigilant to the demands of a mess they didn't create"...man, that is it exactly.

[@kiv_daniels]

They always tell me I’m uptight but why wouldn’t I be? I always have to be careful when I’m around them because they always have to give meaning to my every move.

[@Ozy-te1rr]

Thank you for every word you say every thing is so true

[@sessayu2502]

I've always been told I seem much older than I really am. One of my earliest memories was when I was 4 years old and my narc mom got mad at me because I asked her to buy me some candy. Her response was "I'm going to give you all my money and it's up to you to figure out how to pay the bills.". After that, I never asked her for anything and have always worried about finances.

[@HillaryMarkham]

After walking on egg shells for a lifetime, it's hard to feel light and carefree. Thank you for your work and this channel ❤

[@lauragrolla5916]

Amen.

[@elderlypoodle9181]

Oh this talk was the BEST 🙏🏻

[@suzymagan7575]

Oh, Dr Ramani, you hit my nerves! I remember being the carefree child before my father died when I was 6 years old. The Malignant narcissist stepfather, followed by Malignant narcissist husband #1, in laws, 2nd husband, covert narcissist, in laws full blown overt grand people! I so yearn to feel the peace of being carefree. I so relate to this.

[@ObsidianCrocodile]

There’s plenty of damaged, fractured individuals out there, no one hurts another without being in pain themselves, I’ve had some horrific boyfriend experiences but have learnt the hard way that you can’t let others dictate how you feel about yourself. Or how you live. Go by gut instinct and stop analysing as analysing will never stop and lead to a troubled mind. I feel genuine pity for these past boyfriends now, they are still stuck in the same rut they were when I was with them whereas I feel I’ve grown and am happy in my own skin. I am lucky and grateful to be living a simple life without threat of violence, denigration or misery. This is enough and brings me peace, I wish that peace to others who are in similar situations ☮️ ❤

[@tracyking5945]

I felt like I grew up in a cage. My parents never had friends. Our relatives never visited us. We never took a vacation or ate out at restaurants. A very tightly controlled environment that decades later keeps me feeling out of sorts with the world around me.

[@nopereradicator]

You just described my childhood.

[@lauragrolla5916]

We had the same upbringing. I can remember about 4 dinners out in childhood.

[@sheilawilliams9080]

The same story! Estranged from all other family members. Noone visited. No family outings.

[@PrincetonRed]

This resonates with me. They can't stand someone bring carefree.

[@sheilawilliams9080]

I remember my mother deliberately shaming and giving me the silent treatment when I was happily playing with friends. It was always my fault that her needs weren't being taken care of. She would say, "I shouldn't have to tell you what I need, you should know." You learn at a very young age that being carefree leads to criticism and punishment.

[@christineplaton3048]

Very very true. They wilted us. They dulled our shine. Etc

[@WillaLamour]

I grew with a honest-to-god, clinically diagnosed individual with narcissistic personally disorder. It was my Mother. She was also a religious fanatic. I did not understand this for years. This eternal vigilance is horrific. It’s exhausting. I’m turning 64 and it’s only recently that I came to understand what happened. I thank whatever Gods there may be that I found my partner. I survived … somehow.

[@PrernaSharma-g3q]

This made me cry right from your first sentence. It’s my journey of three decades from happy go lucky girl to constantly living on survival mode struggling constantly to take care of my two beautiful daughters.

[@cathycansew9573]

Wow me too !

[@leaveittoevaa9101]

I am dealing with the exact same and same amount of time and feel that too.

[@cathycansew9573]

@@PrernaSharma-g3q we need to feel light again . Lisa Romano is pretty helpful on healing

[@clairesweeney4334]

⁠@@cathycansew9573I love Dr. Ramini. L. Romano is good too. Another one of my favorites is Yaz from “The Game Exposed” especially her utube shorts.

[@user-rz9px7ge9h]

Me too. I feel like I'm running out of time to make this life better for me and my kids. It's gotten so hard.

[@doranvee5944]

I used to be a confident fairly happy person. Now I'm a shattered nervous wreck with no self-esteem, having regular anxiety attacks.

[@Mo-vl7xz]

It really hit close to home. I moved halfway across the world to escape my controlling mom, yet even now, whenever I plan a vacation or try to do something enjoyable for myself, I fear she’ll call and criticize me. I've never truly felt carefree.

[@lourdeswright]

@@Mo-vl7xz if u see her # on the screen, don’t pick up

[@SallyKlee]

I know that feeling. Stay strong! My mom passed away 7 years ago. It didn't stop there. My brother is worse... but that's another story. Stay strong and be kind to yourself 🌸

[@christelleny]

Lots of us can relate. It leaves a life-like scar. But there's healing to be had in finding time for ourselves and taking care of ourselves for a change. ❤

[@lauragrolla5916]

I started to relax from my hyper-vigilance only after my N father died. I felt such relief.

[@Mo-vl7xz]

@@lauragrolla5916 It's a shame but, I'm looking forward to that as well.

[@Nat-oj2uc]

5:30 that's exactly why people with cptsd or after narcs abuse feel like they don't fit in. That experience just permanently shifts the worldview. And you can't relate to others who hasn't been through trauma. It's one way ticket. You can only become aware of more not less

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

Absolutely fantastic and spot on topic for this video!!! This explains quite a lot of what i have been feeling lately!!! Thank you Dr Ramani!!!!

[@viviandevilliers1101]

Absolutely spot on for me.

[@trying2survive602]

Me, too! I had to become the mother in the household at the age of 12. I was responsible for all the cooking and cleaning because my mom had to work when my narc father left. Then I married a narc and continued having to do all the work in the house, even when I started working outside of the home. I would become so frustrated 😠. I always wondered why the chores were never even on his radar. None of it ever occupied his head space. I always felt like Cinderella. While he was out enjoying himself, I was making sure the kids were fed, homework done, appointments made, etc. I am trying to be more carefree now that I moved out!

[@BrendaRudman]

Exactly Thank you Doctor D Narcissistic family crush your bouyant spirit Instead of laughing and feeling light,you feel feel downtrodden and suppressed You feel dark

[@jojoberrypie6580]

Narsissi has been away a week. I feel more me, I really do. I’m not less lonely, but feeling of purpose is really addled. I don’t have to do a thing, or consider what disdain I must prevent.

[@SreejaCv]

I was from a family of 8 kids and quite happy go lucky, always carrying a feeling of being protected. Then the narcissist happens taking away all my feeling of a carefree world. I have been through so much of trauma that it has affected the health of my kids even. It is hard now to be carefree. The world is a nasty place to be in...

[@om617yota8]

Thanks Dr. Ramani. This hit home.

[@Joy.333]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I hope you know how many people you are helping by sharing your videos and such invaluable information. God Bless You. 🙏💜

[@Claire-rm7uz]

I was talking with my narc Mum one time wondering if my sons would ever have their own kids one day. She replied “tell them not to bother”.

[@verseau8360]

You have helped me so much through the years that I am forever grateful!! I’m not religious, but God Bless You anyway!

[@audiooddball]

What a refreshing, healing video. Haven't been carefree since like age 13 for decades. It's never been allowed. Ive been thinking a lot about this lately, about your essence or carefree-ness being "stolen". I think she used that wording. But I felt a weight lifted off of me this morning watching this video. This made my day a lot brighter.

[@ivettakushkova4381]

Deal Dt. Ramani. Thanks a lot for your continuos support. Have a good day.

[@sparkygump]

I used to pretty carefree but that got narced out of me.

[@MoneyHarmonyJourney]

Thank you for this. I recently attended a women's gathering weekend and aside from arriving late I also found I struggled to "drop into" the peace, joy and love of the weekend. I got there eventually but I was silently judging myself as being "wrong" for not being able to be in the same place as everyone else...

[@y3753]

Please do a video about why narcissistic people stalk you and try to FORCE their way back into your life’s

[@jojoberrypie6580]

Hoovering is what that is, there are some good dr r videos about it. Going no contact, and flying monkeys are also very good to watch.

[@CharlotteCarroll-i5y]

So glad I got away from a narc friend thanks to Dr Ramani Xxx

[@ashleypearson7848]

This literally made me want to cry :(

[@jllgibson6036]

Hello Dr. Ramani; Thank you so much for this video... I liken the narcissist to the consistency and reliability of sand... That said, I have been truly blessed with many, many beautiful people in my life and that has created a loving counter-balance that has given me my strength and helped me ground myself. Praying we all have our inner core fortified so we may always find our strength! Thank you again and always for you wonderful words of wisdom! Take care God Bless Linda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[@doriannemosich232]

Dr. R this seemingly resonates deep in my heart mind & soul, saddens me, while helps the healing process, you are appreciated thanx.

[@MT-ij4kd]

Dr Ramani I wish I could have you on speed dial. You are always on point and I feel validated after watching your videos. Thank you! ❤

[@saraholland2604]

I cannot recall feeling carefree for as long as I can remember, and I can remember playgroup!

[@bettybodemeh3949]

Another validating video. Thanks Dr. Ramani

[@vivianMarvin-z6k]

Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.

[@Adakataba]

It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.

[@vivianMarvin-z6k]

Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?

[@Adakataba]

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@Adakataba]

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

[@vivianMarvin-z6k]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

[@avereynakama9854]

I didn't have the words to really describe how things have been. I could tell that people always thought I was a downer since I just couldn't enjoy things anymore. As more of the Narc. mess spilled into my life, I've gotten more and more cynical to the point where I can't even stand being around myself. I knew that I didn't used to be like that, but I thought that sense of "lightness" you describe was just me being stupid (ex: memories of having fun with someone I later learned was very manipulative and brought me harm). You hit the nail on the head with the remark of having cares put on my shoulders before I realized what they were. Others had it worse, I'm well aware, but it's good to know that it wasn't just me.

[@patrickbinford590]

The person who has their carefree quality in early life stolen from them early on by conditioning is taught that optimism is foolish. I think one of the reasons for that is a "what's the use" thought pattern wherein that is learned and passed down!! Yes and managing that impossible thing that Dr Ramani talked about in terms of "managing" family systems is part and parcel of being stuck in dysfunctionality, to such an extent that that dysfunctionality is SO pervasive, and rendering any other way of being outside that as being basically so foreign as to not even be CONCEIVED as a possibility.❤️

[@briandrake6881]

You are right about that, narcs will try to convince you that optimism is foolish. They HATE your confidence/faith.

[@KorayI88]

You are a Gem , Dr.Ramani

[@pesalzi2239]

Wow ❤❤❤ thank you so so much for all of your words ❤. They just came at the right moment 🎉❤

[@truecolours1382]

Thank you this explanation helps a lot ❤

[@wendylynn6407]

Also the consequences from failing or making mistakes, which are significant in dysfunctional families.