How to approach Sex with an Asexual partner

[@bean_spr00t]

Wow, this is my first time seeing a film that reflects a mixed asexual relationship with such accuracy. It hit me so hard as someone who discovered I was ace while in a serious long-term relationship. Especially the ending, and the discomfort and lack of resolution. That feeling where both people are unsure of if they enjoyed it or not, and it not being an easy thing to navigate. It’s so spot on with the reality of so many ace folks. Thanks for making this!

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

I’m really happy you connected with it, Ray! You nailed it with your description :D

[@benr4784]

"it doesn't make you an evil person & it doesn't make them a liar" was REALLY helpful and powerful for me to hear because I constantly worry about 'pressuring' a partner that seems to be at the beginning of their journey understanding being ace.

[@Diego.1812]

This is just to say "Thank you". After having been struggling with sex in a 10-year relationship (wedding included) with a sexual woman, I instantly realised what the "problem" was when I watched the short film. Had it not been for this film, I doubt I would have found the courage to get it off my chest so fast. I told her about my recently discovered sexual orientation and showed her the film yesterday. I don't know what the future will bring as I am now perfectly aware of how difficult it must be for a sexual woman to be in a relationship with an asexual husband, but I can only but thank you for helping us to understand me better and for helping us to get rid of a great part of the anxiety that this situation was causing us. THANK YOU.

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Diego, I am so glad that you’ve discovered this part of your identity, and I wish you and your wife the very best in your journey to come!

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

Do her a favor and let that woman go then. Holding on to the marriage would be a self centered act. If you can’t the requirements for the job, you shouldn’t keep it.

[@Kristin49]

@@thechubbypuertorican917 Totally agree, let her go-this will ultimately end horribly for her.

[@merrymermaid]

@@thechubbypuertorican917 love can exist without sex. and besides, asexual people can still do the act, and pleasure their partner. way to bring a guy down :/

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

@@merrymermaid anyone can go through the motions, gay men who had to hide in marriages have done it for centuries. But I’m the end, it’s a false act without passion or real desire. You can’t fake desire, but you can fake love. I’m not saying he is a bad person, but she has the right to find what she needs to be ima relationship. No one is wrong, but it’s still not good for her.

[@j3n3v3uxp45]

Everybody said how amazing and impactful the film and this conversation are and, while I couldn't agree more, nobody said anything about the colors in this video. Thank you for that too haha

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Shout out to Justine for lending me her ace flag :D

[@AmberOthyme]

I noticed that too 😊

[@marthelea]

Thank you for this! Being a demisexual myself with a very low libido is difficult when in mixed relationships. I feel like I have spent years trying to figure out myself and how to have a healthy relationship. But I still don't know all the answers. I find that to communicate whatever is being felt, and to stay honest to oneself and each other is the best way to start out when things are difficult.

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

That’s definitely something that should be at the heart of all relationships, and we could all benefit from understanding that we don’t have all the answers, but being willing to communicate to figure things out. If we’re doing work to know ourselves, we deserve partners who’re willing to do the same :)

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

Having a low libido is an excuse for avoiding men you might have to contend with.

[@littleswagg1943]

Honestly I just found out I’m also demisexual I know how you must have felt all those years ago 😅😅 I relate

[@Tsuki14Moonlight]

that film really hits home, and as home, i mean some things that i heard from other asexuals and not-asexuals. i know that i'm demisexual ever since i was 15, with label and stuff, so i do know how to navigate the conversation, it's not something i hide, it's just how i worry if it's coming across to the other side. the idea of hurting someone i care about, making them feel bad over themselves, and not being able to do a lot about it, knowing that even if i tried to do something about it, i would have Chris' expression on the face, or even a panic attack. i can't even promise that sexual attraction will come or not definitely. it's a vague promise. that film kinda makes me cry because of it, it's seeing my biggest relationship-related fear on screen. it does help a lot to bring the subject up, and it's a really good film, i'm not complaining at all because i really liked it, but damn if it doesn't hit home hard. i have the biggest luck of having partners who understand and who i feel sexual attraction towards, they were the first people i felt it towards, but when i look to the future, i can't help but fear that loving other people might end up hurting them because of that part of me. (aaah, i'm sorry for rambling, it seems that everyone else said less than i did, don't mind me)

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings and story, Flower Doll! It's wonderful that you have understanding partners, and that you're at a good place of understanding yourself. I hope that more people learn about and accept asexuality, so that aces don't have to fear as much about being misunderstood 💜

[@richardthemagician8991]

I'm so glad I came across this video. My wife came out recently as asexual. We've been married for 7 years. Throughout this whole time I thought there was something wrong with me and she thought there was something wrong with her. It wasn't until recently that she made this discovery about herself and since having the conversation with me, I feel like things have actually gotten a lot better mentally and romantically with us. It's almost like a burden has been lifted. At least that's how it feels for me and I'm noticing that difference in her. Those she doesn't like opening up as much about it as I do. After years of dealing with it, she's finally agreed to couples therapy, which I see as a step in the right direction. We are also having conversations and negotiating other options. I feel like anything I suggest is going to come off as selfish or incentive. Would you happen to know of any support groups for sexual people who are married an asexual partner? Do you know any support groups I can recommend to her? An online community is just fine. And, if we were to go into couples therapy together, what are some things you would suggest we ask or talk about? She's at the very beginning of this journey and I want to be at the Port of as I can for her. I have reassured her over and over that I have no intention on ending a marriage. I love her and I would do anything for her. Any helpful suggestions would be very appreciated :-)

[@pippylunalove]

If you join AVEN there is a forum for allosexuals in relationship with asexuals, it would be a good place to start to find a support group. There's also many asexual forums that your wife might like. I'd ask what you need to do to show her you still love her. I remember craving sitting in the same room as the person I was in love with. We were long distance, I didn't even need us to talk I just wanted us to both sit in the same room doing our own things but together. You just need to find out what your love languages are.

[@paulzuniga4256]

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, or if you and your wife were able to work together towards a peaceful and beneficial solution, but just know that you’re not alone. My wife told me two nights ago that she believes she is graysexual, and though I love her and don’t want to make this journey all about me, I have been struggling in my emotions and actions and unfortunately she can tell.

[@richardthemagician8991]

@@paulzuniga4256 open communication is the best thing you can do. My why and I have made some compromises. It's still difficult. There are still moments we talk about splitting up. But we love each other and want to be together. The conclusion I came to was that I have been in relationships that were mostly based on sex. My marriage is the first relationship I've been in together because we enjoyed each other's company and it wasn't based on sex at all. The best personal and romantic relationship I've ever had. So, I told her that if it was really that big of a deal to me, I would have left a long time ago. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, how do you feel about all the other aspects of a relationship? If everything is great other than the sexual part, isn't enough for you? The other thing that helped was couples counseling. As soon as she came out to me I told her that this is too much for us to navigate on our own. And we need a professional. When we did a couple of months of couples counseling. But it helped. I would recommend you do the same thing. And also keep an open mind. You can't force a relationship to happen. If you two decide to separate, there's nothing wrong with that and it would be a mutual decision. If you choose to work it out, it will make your relationship stronger. Good luck.

[@paulzuniga4256]

@@richardthemagician8991 thank you for your words. Yesterday I was feeling very optimistic, but today I have been wringing my hands and stressing out over what the future might bring. I’m an anxious/preoccupied attached person, so I need to just relax and wait for the therapy to start so we can see what lies before us.

[@BeautifullyReckles]

This was so relatable yet hard tp watch for me. It mirrored a relationship that I was in. I'm asexual and that uncomfortable pressure around sex never went away with my ex. Neither of us happy or getting what we needed. Also the discussion of asexuality and the future of the relationship really hit home.

[@amys688]

I am so pleased this film got made. I discovered I was ace while in a long-term relationship with an allosexual, and it's taken a lot of those careful conversations to help work out how we can best be together in ways that are fulfilling and authentic for both of us. I have never seen that complex frustration played out in a film before, and I think you captured it really well. Huge congrats

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Thank you so much Amy! And thank you for sharing your story! I’m really happy to hear that you and your partner navigated those waters in a healthy way 💜

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

Expecting someone to stay with you when you aren’t sexually interested in them before the age of 40 is selfish, period.

[@majanielsen2480]

@@thechubbypuertorican917 you sound like you’re just mad because you had a bad experience and now you want to get back at other asexual people to try and feel better. It’s pathetic, you really need to move on and realize not everyone has a bad experience when being with an asexual person.

[@TheeMusicalARM]

Thank you for sharing! I've been describing libido without sexual attraction like being hungry but not finding any food appetizing.

[@Megan-ds8cc]

This was a fantastic film and conversation! I'm an aromantic asexual person, so it was admittedly an interesting watch for me. The aromantic side of me took much longer to learn about and accept because so much of my feelings were tied up in feelings of being unloveable because I was asexual and disabled. It was very confusing to know if my lack of romantic attraction was due to feelings or hurt or due to an inherent lack of interest. It makes me hurt for my asexual romantic friends-I can imagine how difficult this whole thing is!

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Oh wow that does sound like a lot to have to figure out! I’m glad you’re at a deeper level of self-understanding now! Making this film taught me a lot about the importance of accepting ourselves and those around us, so thank you for sharing your story! 💜

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Forgot to add the other color :P 💚

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

Aromantic and asexual is just an excuse for the inability to connect with others meaningfully.

[@ravenclawfairy3648]

Thank you from the bottom of my aesthetically attracted bi-romantic heart. Seriously. This film is how I was able to help my allo partner understand how I see things. It also helped him to open up to me about his physical needs. So thank you for making this film. Thank you for talking about this. It means so much to me.

[@keyboarddancers7751]

If you're really into sex with somebody else, don't date somebody who's not into sex with somebody else as much as you are because you will end up feeling frustrated. There's nothing complicated about this issue. Don't make life complicated for yourself. If you're a guy who really likes sex and you find yourself in a potentially intimate situation with a girl who says she's not into sex with you, then you need to ask yourself what else you might be doing with your time especially in a culture wherein one wrong or misinterpreted word could have some very serious consequences indeed for you. You can be totally polite and respectful about it and then just move on.

[@DaveWheitner]

Many thanks for putting together this resource on a very important and highly misunderstood topic. As an allosexual who has been in relationship with someone we eventually realized was asexual, I really appreciate many of the themes and dynamics you cover here. As you know, it's not easy for either partner; and your film illustrates some of the discomfort experienced on both sides. I really felt it on an emotional level. I'll be adding your films to a web resource list that accompanies a book I wrote: I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Navigating Needs Without Blame When You Like Sex, Your Partner Doesn't, & Asexuality Is a Possibility. I think many other people will be able to relate to your work, and film can reach people in ways that books alone cannot. I like how your interview covers some of the more nuanced points. Examples: Some people who identify as asexual enjoy sex, even though the majority don't (per the Asexual Census). Relationships where both partners are relatively clear about their orientations from the beginning are different from those where this is not initially clear. While it's a complex topic, you touched upon a number of the most important aspects. Many thanks!

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Thank you, Dave! We're honoured to be included on your list of resources! It's also great to know your book is an additional resource that viewers can turn to for more understanding. Thank you :)

[@aznargo]

I've only discovered this short film recently, and I'm in a relationship with someone who's ace/aro. Talking about the future is definitely hard, haha. A lot of this spoke to me, and I'm in the beginnings of my research and learning what being aro/ace really means to my significant other. Thank you for making this film, we're definitely watching this one together one night :).

[@mikestubblefield3199]

This was amazing. My wife is discovering that she may be asexual. We are trying to figire out where to go from here. It is difficult.

[@thechubbypuertorican917]

Have some dignity, and go elsewhere with someone else. Period. No reason to suffer because your wife wasn’t honest before the marriage. I hope you have found someone else by now.

[@majanielsen2480]

@@thechubbypuertorican917 they literally said she is discovering it… meaning she didn’t know before they got married. The fact you can’t put that together is sad. Stop telling other people what to do with there relationships because of whatever issues you have in your own life.

[@mukul5232]

@@majanielsen2480 what he is saying its good for both

[@majanielsen2480]

@@mukul5232 that's just your assumption, you don't know what's going to be good for their relationship, because it's theirs not yours. Some asexual relationships work out great, others don't. It's up to them to figure it out. Not everything in life is so black and white, always this or always that.

[@DevonHberman-im6bx]

It goes in the garbage. Not worth it

[@veronicacuevas9904]

Thank you for this, after watching the film and this interview I feel just so happy to hear that someone it's going through the same journey than myself, really hope more people can watch this. thank you

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

You’re welcome Verónica! If you haven’t yet, also definitely recommend checking out AVEN if you’d like to chat with more folks who’re going through similar things 🤗

[@Natalia-kb2td]

such a great conversation! Thank you so much for discussing the film and the topic!

[@Paula_Limberg]

Hello little slices of cake on the table in the background!

[@miming_an_elephant]

😊 Lovely i hadn't seen it!

[@hannahbevis2827]

This is such a good film/q and a! Im curious what the original ending was, after hearing that it was changed in this interview

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Hi Hannah! Thanks for commenting! Originally Chris and Tina had more of a conversation afterwards, where Chris proposes they see other people, and Tina doesn’t want to, and Chris isn’t necessarily keen on it, but he’s partially asking so as to ease some of the pressure off him. He also said “I’m weird” in response. While this dialogue was true to my experiences (and other mixed relationships), we felt it was more impactful to end the film where it currently does, and to leave it ambiguous as to how C&T decide to evolve their relationship next, as well as focus the impact of the ending on the overall difficult of being in a mixed relationship (that allos in a non-mixed relationship may not be aware of). 😊

[@TheAncientAmbassador]

This interview was amazing. The inspired and curated words hit me right where I needed in my journey. Thanks to everyone involved in making this happen! 💜

[@SoleD81]

Luv the film and luv more this conv! Thx u!! [A♦️] 🖤💜

[@rosethecow9256]

I just want to say this means so mucht to me as alloromanticace whose relationship just ended!

[@preshizpink4340]

I can identify with both asexual and demisexual. I dont have a desire for sex at all but when I do I'm usually attracted to someone mindset and personality but don't necessarily have the need to have sex with them at all. I'm fine with being alone and im also polyandry. 🙂 I am just confusion I guess lol

[@timnewman1172]

Thank you for this! As someone who identifies as demi/gray with a fairly high libido, I tortured myself emotionally for years by not fitting into relationships and not understanding why... However, I was a bit disturbed that the male decided to go thru with having sex even though he clearly wasn't into it. That may be a reality for some, but I'm definitely not one to do that!

[@chubbahubba1167]

Thanks a lot, I was in a relationship with a wonderful person for 5 years but didn’t understand why having sex with him didn’t mean anything to me. He thought that he was unattractive but it was not true, just that I didn’t know which word to put on my feeling. Not being able to fulfill his need + him thinking that if I was not interested meant I didn’t trust him show that a asexual/sexual relationship is really difficult and not everyone can understand it and it’s sad. (And yes, in my case a breakup was inevitable)

[@allanisdale6373]

Thank you, Thank you Thank you, what an awesome film and discussion.

[@7211_]

Thank you so much for making this 💜

[@brettschmidt5706]

As someone who is certainly early in their asexual journey, this film was beautiful to watch and I absolutely loved the interview

[@JaymeeMakFilm]

Much 💜 for your continued journey, Brett!

[@wendyhutchinson457]

Well shit….this woman who is asexual has more relationships going on simultaneously than I’ve had in the last 20 years and I’m sexual. KMN🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

[@Turnpost2552]

I wpuld imagine its easier for her as she doesnt have the confusion of feeling that we get. Its just love for her and that os equal not much difference goes in to her head.

[@jpc08109]

My wife is asexual it is extremely frustrating for me because theres nothing i want more than to give my wife pleasure, but she just lays there and she calls it her wifely duty, i dont want it to seem to be a chore for her

[@jmeik7016]

i think yhat may help you is understanding, that she just finds other things pleasurable than you. our society often puts sexual pleasure on a pedestal as the highest form of pleasure but for her, what would be really meaningful might be non-sexual physical contact, a surprise date at the movies or a home cooked meal. these things might seem incomparable to an orgasm, but for her they might be the things that make her feel loved and appreciated. and not sex.

[@kaverishingade1403]

I have seen this film and it's so so amazing 👏👏❤❤❤❤

[@opiatepix]

Wow - this is really enlightening. ❤️❤️

[@lilweedsea]

I’m sex positive asexual. I see sex as a sport of sorts, only it’s not my preferred sport. It’s not that I’m can’t play it or don’t know how to. It’s not that I’ve never played it before either. It’s just that I have no passion to really play it on my own. But if my boyfriend really enjoys playing this sport with me, I’ll play, because it makes him happy, but only if I’m absolutely sure I’m ready to play the sport with him. I really only find enjoyment in his enjoyment. And I guess it feels good to get a little exercise too. But again, it’s not my preferred sport.

[@soniczforever5470]

I got close to 3 people that are asexual and im not. 1 did not communicate that fact to me. 2 gave me impression they were attracted they weren't. Its not that easy to see. I hadn't had a first kiss but was starting to have feelings for them.I felt very unhappy people 100 percent should honour their sexuality but it may not work if your wishes are different. Its not for me very sorry. I ended the relationship.

[@JamesMacleanEsq]

Put simply, don't force someone sexual to be with you if you aren't. Set them free.

[@tsundoska]

Este vídeo me hace bien al corazón, gracias 🫂

[@michaelmaps2004]

How do i find an asexual partner

[@binnie5724]

Sadly hard to find

[@Naam_name]

We would like to help u with this?

[@박-r3d]

My narcissistic asexual husband blames his asexuality on me, saying it’s my body that doesn’t feel good. And seeing me everyday prevents him from feeling anything sexual. But as far as I know, he’s been asexual since he was born and even when we were dating, his lack of sexual attraction towards me was a problem. A problem that he promised would change once we got married. Big sigh. 😭

[@helloxm7312]

where i can watch full movie?

[@triciapampilon1706]

I thought I'm abnormal cause I also like this .. Thanks to the omegle tom lol

[@3bitner325]

i'm just so frustrated that my self esteem is being knocked down bc my other is always saying no they dont want sex or cuddles or ANYTHING. dont touch me, dont love on me, dont try to get me going. and he just now came out that he is ace. after a year and a half. why should i be sexually starved bc i didnt know my partner was ace? im not addicted to sex but it does strengthen an emotional bond i have with my person, so without that and outright rejection or anything physical just makes me feel like i'm not worthy or attractive. wtf?

[@jaycifilbrun4124]

I want to also add to this that there is also the possibility that your partner just doesn't care. My partner is Ace but is sex positive. They also are autistic and struggle with physical touch from time to time but they also say yes when they can and they show me in different ways that they love me when they can't do the stuff I gently ask for. If your partner outright refuses to show any of the types of love you are asking for and then barely or doesn't at all make am effort to love you in other ways that they can, then they just aren't committed to and don't care about you.

[@Zeta523]

@@jaycifilbrun4124 I think you mean sex favorable, not sex positive. Sex positivity is an attitude towards sex in general, favorability is feeling good about it for yourself personally. Im sex positive but also repulsed.

[@DevonHberman-im6bx]

Just leave him. It’s not worth it

[@akalius2376]

Hi, I am a sexual cis man and I have an asexual girlfriend. I know for a fact she still has libido (masturbation) but we never do sex together. We still cuddle and kiss, but that's it. At first I was completely fine with it, but as time goes (6 month now) I feel a bigger and bigger frustration in this. I don't want to sound selfish at all with this, but I'm wondering if it's normal that it only goes her way and that we don't "share" our sexualities like said in the video ? I really like her and I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable with this.

[@baberkhan7366]

whoever an Asexual's partner is.. do they actually love to punish themselves? maybe they should look into why they're doing it to themselves? What's their trauma for staying in this kind of dynamic ? Anyone healthy would tend to walk away and preserve their own needs too

[@jaycifilbrun4124]

Most people who are in mixed sexual orientation relationships don't know it at the start and when a sexual persons partner comes out as Ace to themselves and you it can be difficult to know whether to stay or leave. I am married to an Ace spouse who didn't know before we were married and discovered/told me after 2 or 3 years of marriage. I have stayed with them bc I love them (and they are sex postive) but if we both would've known at the start or if they would've known and didn't tell me, I wouldn't have continued the relationship. It is too complicated for such a simple 'solution' of a sexual person not being in a relationship with an asexual person. The struggle is real But so is our love and we both work toward understanding each other. It's not for everyone and I'm still not sure it's for me but I'm gonna give it my best try before giving up

[@BENYJOSE1]

Talk about Asexuality if you want, but if you're in a sexually-active relationship and your partner won't have sex with you for longer than one month, then LEAVE! IMMEDIATELY! Notice that I said "won't" - it's a completely different situation if there is travel or medical issues or whatever... but if you're with someone who doesn't want to be with you and refuses to meet your sexual needs, then you're wasting your time and your life. Bad days don't always lead to bad weeks, but they often do. Bad weeks don't often lead to bad months, but they often do. Bad months almost always become bad years. Bad years almost always become bad decades. End the cycle before its too late - the sunken costs are gone anyway, but reclaim whatever can be salvaged with your life and livelihood. Trust me - I've lost 10 of my best years to the most useless wife imaginable.

[@KidKit]

Hope after 2 years you've changed and realized that you're not entitled to sex no matter how much you want it and it doesn't make your wife "useless" because she doesn't want to have sex for a month wtf whatever happened to respecting boundaries 🤨

[@BENYJOSE1]

@@KidKit nope - I still believe in actual partnership.

[@KidKit]

@@BENYJOSE1 Ace people in a relationship is an actual partnership tho. It doesn't mean it's not a relationship if someone doesn't want to do that. It's still a valid relationship but maybe just not something you personally want

[@BENYJOSE1]

She won't have sex with anyone, but she has 3 partners? If that means three friends that buy her stuff, then good for her... If that means a constant yearning for a partnership that she'll never find, then she should probably spend less time "dating" and more time in therapy...

[@BENYJOSE1]

@@chrisstoltz3648 no.

[@DevonHberman-im6bx]

If you’re asexual, be with other aces or be alone. Stop torturing normal people by pretending you love them a way you don’t, it’s mental abuse.

[@Turnpost2552]

Honestly true but. I dont think they know

[@J_to_the_F]

so just because someone is asexual they shouldn't feel romantic attraction to allosexuals? TF is going wrong in your head?

[@gise230207]

You f. Ucker , ace people are normal people too. And they don't pretend to love someone, they still could be romantic attracted. F off with your resentment...

[@KidKit]

Hope after a year you've changed because asexual people love their partner as anyone else does it's not different than allo people's love. Let's not make ace people out to be some horrid monster that mentally abuses their partner when it's not :(

[@alwaysfabulous9965]

💜🖤🤍 as an aroace I enjoyed the film thanks so much!