How to Build Trust in Your Marriage

On today’s show, we hear about:
- A man wondering if intimacy with his fiancé will improve when they get married
- A woman who just discovered her husband’s been lying since day one
- Delony’s thoughts on how to keep growing closer to your spouse
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[@KindCalmKaila]

1st caller admits he is inconsistent with his own personal beliefs and actions. His fiancé is likely uncomfortable with this disconnect. But the biggest red flag is that after 5 years, this relationship doesn't seem very 'progressed'. This call would make more sense at a 5 month relationship mark. No need for this to have dragged on for 5 years.

[@confusedwhynot]

I love the point John makes. Intimacy doesn't equal intercourse (sex)

[@avaglynn1]

I don't understand the men that say "my wife won't have sex with me" and then say it's ALL her fault. She's holding out. Have you ever wondered WHY she doesn't WANT to have sex with YOU? That it may be something you're doing or not doing that turns her off from you? Women who are healthy physically and mentally and are safe physically and mentally, WANT to have sex. If she doesn't want it, consider that you may have contributed to that.

[@kodeh7931]

Are you listening to yourself ? You just said it yourself. Women who are well put together will want to have sex. So that being said, how did you go from that to it’s the man’s fault if she doesn’t want to have sex? If coming into the relationship she’s not well “put together” and because of that she doesn’t want to do it, how is that the man’s fault? Make it make sense.

[@RG-qo7sf]

When a wife doesn’t feel emotionally safe or respected and valued by her husband she will stop wanting to have sex.

[@Elle44289]

The same way you won her, you will keep her. You have to keep watering a plant ans put it bynlight after you bring it home if you want it to stay alive. All her on on switches are off. . . And women are responders to how safe, loved and protected they feel. If they feel forced to do something intimate without true emotional intimacy, they will inevitably begin to feel unsafe and them aversion to the person they are with. Women work dofferently than men. It is more vulnerable and we are built with the need of the right environment to feel emotionally safe and connected, and thus i timatrlt conmected with a partner.

[@maritahartmann591]

​@@kodeh7931 probably because he's doing something that is not sexy to her. And they need more communication. Maybe shes gay!! 😮

[@johnzac8710]

The moment I learned my wife's demons are hers and mine are mine and we fixed ours separately and together we've had a breakthrough of peace and understanding and open communication. While we still have work to do it's progress

[@Flash3-22]

This is great to hear. My husband doesnt think marriage should be work.

[@johnzac8710]

@@Flash3-22 it is very much work I'm sorry he thinks that way but sometimes men take time my wife stuck around while I fixed me she's one who showed me better boundaries and men are allowed to express feelings n be open without judgement or shame.

[@laurafisher4199]

​

[@thegenxgamerr]

The second caller, that woman who wants to learn how to trust her husband again. He’s not trustworthy. I normally comment here on men’s stuff, but this one’s pretty clear as day that guy is cheating on you and has been for a while. Easy for me to say from my arm chair, but kick him to the curb. Good luck.

[@hix9306]

I have to admit I’m like the husband in the 2nd story . My wife played her part and I didn’t . She has the right to question me and I can’t blame her how she’s feels towards me at all .

[@TheKristinals]

At least you own it now. Hopefully you learned from it and can be better now for her or your next women

[@dancer8082]

Lisa from Missoula, if you’re reading comments, please come to River of Life in East Missoula. There is so much healing in community and knowing you’re not alone in that journey. More people are dealing with that same struggle than you realize.

[@katyreyes5053]

This episode really hit home for me. Even though I've taken the time to heal, this episode reminded me of what life was like when I still let anxiety control my life.

[@LaniLanilei]

I'm beginning to believe we all can benefit from seeing a therapist lol

[@benascg-ll7sq]

Here's my number...just kidding😂

[@dannelle17]

The second we all love ourselves they’ll all be out of work, but we live in a world bound set and determined on making us HATE us.

[@benascg-ll7sq]

@@dannelle17 I love your insight. Not sure bout the hate thing, but learning how to appreciate ourself is definitely a skill to be learned and practiced...still looking for a teacher...

[@Gemmarose9012]

GOOD,because it’s FACT!

[@TurnLemons2Lemonade_]

The first guy He hasn’t proposed in five years, but they’re living together. That would make a woman feel unsafe in itself.

[@karigross]

Spot on.

[@inspiredbyjayweightlossjou9843]

Why should he propose to a woman that doesn’t show much romantic interest in him

[@maritahartmann591]

​@@inspiredbyjayweightlossjou9843I thought they were engaged. The title says fiance.

[@alancox9024]

Anybody ever thought 1st callers lady doesn't want to give up the cookies unless she's married to him. It's odd to find these days but good for her.

[@Flash3-22]

Fight or flight, freeze or fawn. Just listened to this episode again. The wisdom about demons was important to hear once more. What would regaining trust look like? Heartwrenching episode listening to Lisa.

[@LaniLanilei]

I'm a believer in communicating what each one wants in their love making. Open complete honesty between couples. No inhibitions. Even in the act of love making you can guide or direct each other. Be open be frank. You love each other and you want to satisfy each other. Don't hold back.

[@CdnEnjoyLife]

Thank you Dr. Delony! Intimacy is so much more than just sexual intercourse - YES! To the second caller, girl I have been in your boat - please love yourself enough to get away from a gaslighter!

[@jenniferdufour1302]

I grew up with Anxiety ...at 45 I'm exhausted. Lisa I'm with you . This call was one of the best John did on the topic . So much empathy from him .

[@jeradkiester698]

Mike. Step up your game, she's just not into you. She will absolutely change after marriage, but not in the way you think... get out now and find a partner who adores you.

[@CCBBAA1]

My thoughts exactly, even as a woman. Let's be real here...she's no doubt deeply traumatized. Does he want to spend his life, at least the next several years, trying to have a complete wife (mentally healthy and fully intimate)? No. No way I would do this. People need to stop thinking they can fix people, leave that to the pros. You make your life a project when you do this, you have to fix them, and then you have to fix what they did to you. Healed (or mostly healed, radically working on it) people capable of healthy relationships should be in relationships. Everyone is running around traumatizing each other treating each other like projects. This poor guy is young and will learn he should have married his lover, not his best friend.

[@rachangel1951]

He sounds like he’s worried she doesn’t want him. 💔

[@benascg-ll7sq]

He should😀

[@MusicFreak61594]

The last part of this episode is beautiful. I will have to remember that and implement it.

[@bethlangley13]

Lisa's story is mine through and through. I had to leave.

[@thecats-dexterandpreston1257]

One of your best shows!

[@sbrown8937]

I agree with your point about stopping outsourcing your life... Best advice ever.❤

[@JustActNormal]

1st caller. Just break up

[@hansonallie]

Maybe the fiancé is gay? & if they’re super religious, coming out w/ that isn’t “safe” Edit: Might not FEEL safe…

[@melanieb2132]

​@hansonallie more like sex is considered dirty and she doesn't want to feel dirty. More like she never viewed herself in a sexual way. Many women struggle letting go and achieving orgasm. I guess we do not really know unless we talk to her.

[@LaniLanilei]

He loves her. She may have serious trauma from her past. She need to see a therapist

[@avaglynn1]

I'm so confused that he wants to wait for marriage but they live together...?

[@setha360]

Best thing to do, let your girlfriend spouse have freedom, watch the actions and if you find not to your liking, LEAVE

[@emeraldwaters8028]

FINALLY. Thank you for adding “for now,” Dr. John. I’ve been waiting!😍😍❤You’re amazing.

[@tomnohmy1273]

I've built up alot of trust in my singleness. I'm no longer jealous of myself.

[@CrystalM1917]

We were virgins before marriage honoring our faith. If sex is one of the most important things to you, it needs to be communicated to her. I wouldn't get married just yet. Not because she won't have sex with you now BUT you need to feel that intimacy will happen and tbh, it sounds like there is more going on. If you're not feeling like she wants you sexually, she likely doesn't. Let's just say even though my husband and I didn't have sex before marriage, neither of us had these concerns. Tbh, the fact that y'all got engaged but haven't reached levels beyond just feeling like best friends only is odd...and i don't mean not having sex but building a deep emotional connection.

[@EdelweisSusie]

Not a fan of abstaining from s*x before marriage - what happens if you marry and find you don’t like what the other does, or other factors to do with s*x because once you’re married, it’s too late! Couldn’t think that would work at all.

[@honeybee8989]

​@Susanne Fitzpatrick you are the one that can only turn your body on for it. You need to create that energy within yourself. Look more into it as there are people on KZbin that explain this better than me.

[@riseagain9677]

Why do women always say they’re not a fan of no sex before marriage and not men? Just a question

[@erikrohr4396]

​@@EdelweisSusieIf you're attracted to each other, you'll be just fine. Can't imagine it could be that bad! Even if there is some form of awkwardness you weren't anticipating, that's much better than marrying someone who experimented with someone else in the past and broke up with them.

[@kunya16]

I'm definitely against sex before marriage per my religious beliefs. If the couple has these concerns then there is a big problem. The sexual desire and energy should be there. They should be eagerly anticipating the wedding. 5 years in and she's just "meh" about physical intimacy means she probably just doesn't want to be with him. Something big is going on.

[@Clic03]

The second caller Lisa, feeling she will do her work, but he will not. Men rarely seek self help.

[@nathanielgoggans109]

That's interesting to see that observation. In my work and social circles I am aware of many more marriages (or former marriages) where the husband has gone to therapy, sought marriage counseling, and done other internal or relational work over many years while their wives have declined, resented, or refused to take any similar steps. I suspect that the discrepancies relate more to individual personalities and cultural contexts than to innate gender differences.

[@Flash3-22]

@@nathanielgoggans109 wish my husband was one of the men who agree to counseling. I feel like I have been doing all the work of understanding.

[@hix9306]

If he wants to change he will

[@show_me_your_kitties]

​@@nathanielgoggans109my partner, Nathan, said he will never get help.

[@sheanaguthrie6021]

IME they want to go back to the way it was before and can't understand or even consider why​ you don't or can't @hix9306

[@avaglynn1]

At the end he says "don't outsource your life, actually go to the grocery store" nah that's a hard no for me. Go to the grocery store with 2 toddlers and a moody 7 year old?! Nope. Pickup order for the win. Now I have time to color and read books with them and we get family time when hubby gets off work. 🎉

[@amydecker6207]

I wish grocery pickup had been available when my boys were little. It would have given us so much more family time. I am sick of living my time off in the damned grocery store.

[@nathaliebasile6168]

After five years … Mike… it feels like a “hostage situation” and you receiving crumbs of hope. I am not thinking 🤔 you should give up … It seems to me that there is a road to healing she is afraid of taking … It’s important to tell her … how important to feel connected in a relationship is to you … Building a relationship on … it’s going to be okay in the future … is not okay. There is nothing wrong about wanting to be intimate with a person we love. You are concerned about your future with her and rightfully so. Couple counseling is needed urgently like dr John suggested She loves you, she chose to live with you … Yet do not ignore this roadblock, it’s a big red flag 🚩 Sending my respect ✊

[@shay6688]

HOW is it that nobody picked up on the caller who says he’s fine with abstaining from sex before marriage but is LIVING with his girlfriend?!??????? He’s already clearly using her as a wife in all these ways but is worried because he hasn’t gotten to test run her for sex. She’s obviously got the brakes on big time in a particular area that’s just STRANGE given the context, and the guy knowS something is off with it because he lives with the lady! Barring extreme medical problems, people who are seriously attracted to one another can’t share a living situation together for FIVE YEARS and not end up shagging! Christian or not, this just is the way it is with humans. It’s worth noting that he said it’s only more recently he’s gotten into his faith, and yet nobody thinks (??!) that wasn’t driven in part for the guy to assure himself that his sexual celibacy he’s experiencing at is not only justified but good? I’m calling bs!! This guy isn’t serious about his faith or he wouldn’t be LIVING with a woman for five years, like WHY had he not gotten married before moving in if honoring the religious traditions hold honest weight to him? I think he sensed his girl might be like a cold fish in bed but wanted more proof and so he shacked-up to see if she’d wake up sexually or not, and he got his answer and just didn’t like it, so no he tries to tell himself that what his girlfriend’s WORDS mean more than what her actual body tells him. The reality is that his girlfriend just isn’t hard for him, CLEARLY! He’s got himself a roommate and probably a live-in maid or cook and somebody that helps share the bills. There’s MORE to whatever is motivating that guy to be in the relationship, and if he’s going to settle for wtvr else he gets from his lady, then he needs to be honest about that! She’s definitely lying about wanting him; she’s got security from this guy and is stringing him along because maybe he’s the best she can get. If desire is really there, then there’s NO WAY you could live together and not be pushing boundaries with “sexual purity” and all. I feel bad for the guy who’s being naive and hoping to advance the relationship and get the assurances he hopes for despite the writing on the wall -in their shared apartment, no less. Smh. Dude needs to get some space to clear his head and heart some, because his holding out on marriage is just some gotcha game it seems like for one or both of these people. I agree with Dr. John that obsession with sex as intimacy is a mistake, yet the matter of living together was glossed over soooooo much! (I’m not personally agreeing nor disagreeing living together, yet I do have a grasp on the cultural, religious context about it.) My guess is the girlfriend will likely PARTAKE (not be jumping his bones, but willing enough to seem as if she cares) in sex once married, but this man is saying that he wants a woman to who really burns for him and she ain’t having it. More likely she feels him as a roommate, and her body is just very used to (especially after so many years conditioning it like such) not being turned on from this guy. Why would she be okay with that, is what I’d be curious to know?! She’d actually choose to marry a man that she didn’t ache for in her pants?! Wtf! Makes no sense, unless she’s getting a bunch of other things from him, such as money/gifts, loyalty/companionship (like he’s her besty and she hasn’t developed a social life outside him) and she never has to feel alone or stand on her own two feet, or perhaps she’s physically not super attractive and feels she’d be at a loss to find another man into her as much as who’s she’s got. Idk, but something under the surface is wrong with HER and she’s hiding those insecure feelings from her boyfriend for questionable reasons, (and the guy KNOWS it.) Sounds like she devalues raw sexual desire for some reason, and maybe she had abuse in her past or something she could work through if she’d open up about it. I’m just stabbing in the dark here with guessing, but the point is that Dr. John maybe should have taken a tactical pause on this call. He treated it like the man needed to create more a sense of security for the woman to feel warmer, and I don’t know if that was fair advice for that guy. He needed to be pressed to tell some more details, in my opinion. Something was missing about what the matter was, and normally I see Dr. John catch things and lovingly open the person up and do a kind of heart or mind surgery. This time he didn’t probe, much less expound on the oddity of LIVING TOGETHER FOR YEARS and somehow not becoming sexually intimate. That was a softball tossed. Like the caller just ever so lightly pitched to the Dr. the severity of his problem, and it was overlook! Very out of character for the good Dr., yet still an interesting show.

[@capmap620]

Love this episode…I needed this!

[@emmarose6590]

Great show today

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

First guy should break up. Everything he described sound like a classic case of no chemistry and she is just with you out of convenience. Who knows if she even likes men.

[@muttybuddydog]

First caller sounds like there's no chemistry. My husband and I waited to have sex until after we were married, but even before that we were so ready for that and it was hard to keep our hands off each other. There has to be a that connection

[@LaniLanilei]

Best friends first a must for me.

[@ThisMissK]

Lisa.. thank you for sharing

[@karigross]

She doesn’t want to have srx before marriage. Why is that a problem?

[@carloswithac]

Yea, sounds like they should just be friends.

[@ronaldnichols9945]

The second caller willingly walked to a marriage with a guy who had already cheated on her. She set herself up for the pain. Just wow!

[@reginamcadory674]

For the first caller, it is not going to change unless she does the work to change.

[@LaniLanilei]

Yep Amen to that Dr Delony the counselling part.

[@ValerieSunshine]

Oh my gosh --- totally love the entire experience of "going to the movies"..of course I get Earl Gray tea and raisinets, but to your point --- yea we can go dancing with the spouses instead. But.... isn't that what movies do? Inspire us. That is why I love going to the movies 😊❤️

[@VarnasBaltas]

Damn! Opening the conversation with fire!

[@vintagegirl68]

LOL We are going dancing tonight!

[@user-zp6ts3re5i]

I am am a whole hearted empathetic person. Sad married to a CM NPD that cheated online almost all of 20 years. Now still with him. Any trust comm... argument and rage so no comm. Does he still cheat? I don't 100% know? I don't want to split up my family even though their grown.

[@brandishantel5889]

I think it's easy to say sex isn't important if your having it. If your not it's a very important issue.

[@tanalyndollar]

Ordered the book!

[@dhritikapoor2897]

If her reluctance is only confined to having sex then that’s fine and I think it will reverse after marriage. But if she is simply not being intimate with the caller in any which way then it is a big red flag. Nobody suddenly turns into a passionate lover once they leave the wedding chapel. It doesn’t work like that . If she feels cold towards intimacy right now then it’s highly unlikely to change after marriage. Some people are asexual that ways but she should not lie to caller just so that he doesn’t leave her.

[@nathanielgoggans109]

I suspect this goes beyond just having or not having sex, but thatbshe generally is not as emotionally drawn to him as he is to her--so I agree with that part of the comment that started this thread. However, I do *not* think you can assume sex will work after marriage if it's not working now. It *might* if she had religious beliefs about waiting until marriage--but having crossed that boundary already with bad results will probably result in baggage to deal with even after marriage solves the moral block. But she says morality is not the issue for her. There is no (zero) reason to think marriage will change anything except make the stakes even higher (especially for you/him) and entrench you both more deeply in a relational pattern of her feeling relationally pressured and you/him continually feeling emotionally rejected or relationally held arms length by the person who knows you best and should love you most. And that will probably go on until one of you dies or gets a divorce. Do NOT get married, buy a house, sign a lease together, etc.--and especially DO NOT MAKE A KID TOGETHER until this disconnect is fixed and stays healed for a while. You should *not* take the relationship any further until you can say, "Yeah, this is good with me--I will be content if our relationship never gets more intimate than this."

[@VL20190]

If your ever in San Antonio,TX..go to Jazz TX

[@ineedhoez]

That first call is wild AF. 5 years? The heck? Really good advice though.

[@bettymagsam3048]

My 2nd marriage when we were dating I wanted it all the time. The closer my relationship became with God the more I felt guilty each time I told my now husband we need to wait for marriage. Well we didn’t live together but I still slept over and it seemed the more I said we can’t have it the more intense the sex was. After we were married sex was good but I still had this guilty feeling that actually lasted with me a while. Coming up on 7 yrs married and 11 years together sex is not as often as it should be. Not sure if it’s because of menopause. We both are getting natural hormone treatments thru Mentality and it seems to help but not like I wished it would. Now I’m questioning if I will ever get the desire that I used to have or is it just a case of do I really feel connected with my husband like I used to? We are going to marriage counseling now. All I know is that he’s a good man and I should be so lucky to have someone like him. Working on our communication and just letting go and having fun like we used to.

[@TheMisslili8]

How old are you if I may ask

[@stuemler]

John attempted to dissect Caller 1. I tried to understand the setbacks and I feel that could've (should've) been a 40 minute one.

[@Maria-jo6nn]

Insacure women wants the man to tell them they loved them and want to spend the rest of your life with her 🙌 she was hurt

[@LaniLanilei]

Hello Dr Delony

[@karaa7595]

I think it's not that complicated for the first caller. Sounds like she's just not that into him, at least anymore OR she's possibly cheating on him.

[@sometimesising1016]

Of course she doesn't feel comfortable having sex. She knows he's focused on getting that from her and if he's not satisfied he's going to leave. No woman feels comfortable when she knows she has to pass a sex test to be loved. If she has kids with him he probably will be unhappy if she doesn't bounce back immediately to her 19 year old body. He's a walking red flag.

[@dheins57]

So concerts are allowed but movies aren’t? What’s the difference? You’re watching people entertain you both ways 🤔 John you’re outta pocket bro

[@tamrakrall8228]

OH. SHOOT!!!! It just hit me like a ton of bricks... i am FAWNing in my current relationship. THANK YOU for helping me see that. Now on to figuring out next best step.

[@Maria-jo6nn]

She has wounds that haven’t been healed

[@LaniLanilei]

If he doesn't change his ways he will lose her.

[@jeradkiester698]

Not his loss.

[@LaniLanilei]

@@jeradkiester698 You think so?

[@devin3607]

First guy: clearly she doesn't like you physically. And ignoring that hoping it will get better after marriage is foolish. It typically works the other way.

[@kodeh7931]

The answer to all of these cases is “just don’t get married brothers. The milk is not worth the squeeze in most cases” Remember the same person who won’t do it with you will do it with someone easily and in a heartbeat. You’re not the problem. You’re just not the right match.

[@tanalyndollar]

Sounds like you've been hurt and either don't understand women or are unwilling to learn.

[@LaniLanilei]

Her husband need reeling into a therapist office

[@amiramahgoub]

Can't blame myself bec I had sex b4 marriage but I longer trust that. Unless He truly change and want to be with me.

[@amiramahgoub]

Fast to loose trust spec in the early years of marriage. Depend on how much we can communicate and understand each other's. We faced poverty, insecurity and cheats. Still thinking it may takes long time to gain the trust back. It's truly depend on him ... Not me.

[@Imazdadrags]

He ain't getting any for a long time, lol.

[@Iamhellokitty77]

It amazes me how many people get triggered by what you post. You’re talking about the things you do and what you’ve decided to change or realizations you’ve made about your behavior. People need to chill. Lol yes, and take a bunch of Xanax 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@maritahartmann591]

I wonder is john get therapy for his savior complex . I like the guy. Good advice. But dang...

[@LaniLanilei]

Is she seeing someone else? 5 years is to long. Something is wrong. Roomies? Okie dokie.

[@TurnLemons2Lemonade_]

Why would John not tell her to run? He’s cheated multiple times and watches porn and lied about it all. Isn’t this a no brainer?

[@hawaiisilver9141]

This is the most beta simp show ever

[@flashthecorgi2053]

Nobody is forcing you to watch, there is plenty of other things to watch that don’t involve you dragging down a show that we get immense value from!

[@melanieb2132]

The thing is, what is the solution for "red pilled men". Either they are the beta and become porn addicted and have no long-term relationship. OR They become the Chad and sleep around with actual women and have long term relationship. Red pilled men just mean that you aren't available for self-sacrifice in the least.. it makes for a sad life. True red pilled men find a red pilled woman who hates feminism and wants to build something together.

[@taylorwinslow694]

Hahaha. There is nothing more beta than commenting "most beta simp show" on a podcast that helps empower others.

[@barexampasser]

John a real one for this episode