How to Connect With Your Spouse When Their Walls Are Up

[@19th-centuryartist56]

Thank you Monika! This is easily the best content on KZbin on the subject of emotional disconnect in marriage. So much to think about... I wonder how many people listened to the 4 minutes starting around 2:38 and thought, "This is an incredibly accurate description of my life"... :-( I appreciate your honesty - that you talk about "unpopular", counter-intuitive solutions that require introspection, patience, resisting one's impulses - unlike many other channels where they first want to reassure you "it's not your fault". One comment that I have is that in addition to the 3 reasons you list for the walls going up - resentment, fear, and depression - it seems to me (based on my experience) that it can also be the fact that the spouses had different ideas about what marriage is or how marriage/family works: they did fall in love, they never felt they had to discuss much, and things were good for a while - but at some point life throws a difficult situation at them (children?), and they realize that their ideas, approaches, expectations, etc are just too different to be easily reconciled. Each side insists on their view and expects the other to validate it - a disconnect starts building up, and at some point it is just easier not to talk, not to deal with this issue and just live in parallel lanes...

[@MonikaHoyt]

Agreed! Differing ideas about how it is "supposed to be" can lead to gridlock for sure.

[@missyk1477]

This video is helpful. I will say, I've been with my husband for over 23 years. Childhood trauma has created huge issues for both of us. My husband had become very disconnected emotionally over the years. I've been able to "stay in my lane" for many years now, and break the habits of co-dependency. I've hoped that my husband would want to connect with me, but what I've learned is that he disconnected even more so. It's been a VERY lonely existence.

[@ChavaLilove]

Time to leave the relationship

[@ElimEx1]

Why? That is what all marriages ultimately become, no? You're just together and have common goals but love fades and is replaced by comfort, convenience, appreciation, etc. Passion, etc that doesn't last.@@ChavaLilove

[@carissateixeira2028]

I feel for you. I’m so sorry. Love hurts more than any physical pain can ever

[@sandragonzalez8910]

I understand same here

[@DavidEtheridge]

“It’s something you become so you create it in your marriage.” Very powerful. As I struggle, needing validation to give.

[@anaiss265]

I would love to hear more about midlife crisis. I watched your video and it was so helpful. Grateful for your guidance.

[@MonikaHoyt]

Noted! Thank you....

[@Tsan1010]

Me too. Your videos regarding it were helpful and encouraging. There are not a lot of videos on this topic that are helpful. My wife and I have been separated for approximately 10 months and there is indications that she is seeing a psychiatrist and possibly taking medication. I’m not finding any information on how that would affect my role being caring and loving pushing forward working on reconciliation. Thank you for everything.

[@ElimEx1]

I didn't know I was depressed because I can't feel anything. That's interesting. Thank you for that insight.

[@missm.2537]

I am so happy to have found your channel, Monika. I go through a very difficult stage now in the relationship and it is really hard on me. 5 days we have fight non-stop and I feel hurt and misunderstood and even disrespected. I get so much emotionally disconnected that this night I was thinking about break up as a relief. The only thing that stops us now from breaking up is that we live in a country where we are both foreigners and we share a flat. He avoids any physical contact and for me this is essential to feel loved. Feeling very desperate at the moment....

[@johannesswillery5146]

He doesn't think any other man would be interested in you. You have to make him understand otherwise.

[@rajeshr9555]

So Powerful... Eye opener... Different perspective... Be there always.. love is not transactional.... Don't set any time frame....

[@beatrixatthecchwclub5620]

if your spouse has left, all the marriages I have heard of getting back together and working well, is to STOP thinking of yourself and put yourself in their shoes altogether, have compassion for the other person, this takes humility, who can turn away humility and care

[@heathermapel786]

This video hit the nail on the head about a lot of the things my husband and I are struggling with in this season of our marriage. Definitely learning a lot from your videos!

[@crudwad1]

My husband has depression that he refuses to get help for. We have a discussion about once every three years where he blames me for his depression because I am not physical with him. We go round and round because I tell him that I need an emotional connection with him in order to want a physical connection. I feel that I tried to meet his needs for many years even though my needs were not being met. I don’t feel that we can ever make progress unless he acknowledges and gets help for his depression. He has a very difficult time describing his feelings and often storms off.

[@russellheyns1846]

The phrase I’ve heard is “Women need emotional connection to have sex. Men need sex to feel emotionally connected”. As a man I can tell you that getting repeated rejected really hurts over time. And being emotionally available or supportive is a slippery slope. We want to meet your needs, but we don’t want to come off as your gay BFF. Cause then you also don’t see us as a sexual partner. It’s a tightrope. Or at least it feels like that.

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Om goodness.. nailed it.. this is soo us.. for last 15-20 years...have call set up with you on moday! Cant wait

[@DSWeigle65]

This resonated with me better than anything else I’ve heard. Thank you.

[@TheAverageGam3r]

I realized I was severely depressed for 2 years I didn’t realize until it was too late. I’m on medication and have been improving myself and my involvement with my family. She honestly assumed I checked out and stopped caring but has recently understood what I went through and said she won’t give up. However all her walls are still up, no physical contact no I love you, she doesn’t wear her ring. It’s been four weeks on in house separation with her finding out about my depression around week 2. I know this needs time and I love your videos. This is just really rough and I want to make sure I don’t push her away. I understand her walls and respect them. But I miss loving her

[@biersmorgen6609]

Don't push, seek Prayer and meditation and listen and just ask good questions without talking about you feelings for a few months, the best way to do this is to know she's only doing this to heal the marriage but she can't focus on fixing it at all right now.....be fun and someone she can heal with.....pretend she's a wounded little girl , u have to love her from a distance, and like the video says validate her boundaries by saying , I've never had to deal with this concept or situation, I understand how this boundary is a good thing for you to heal. And say less words and man up....pushed my wife away and when I do well for a couple.weeks she always comes with a tough test to see if she can get me to react and break so she can call me a psychopath and justify her belief that I am selfish....it will always seem selfish until us men say her testing will go on until she starts testing how much you will let her get away with before confirming her bias about your reaction...for instance I said to my wife that a good husband allows his wife to do what she needs to do to be the best mother and wife, and a Godly Husband always trusts and is a King whom doesnt concern his emotions with her craziness..... giving her grace and freedom is all she wants when she tests your" new man"

[@melkerner]

It's not just black and white or a singular reason- it can also be a mixture of several issues, including relationship difficulties, depression, perimenopause, stress, etc..

[@Vincent12]

Any advice for doing this over long distance?

[@davidjonburke2729]

Wow thank you! This is powerful

[@ericaalvarez8513]

This was phenomenal! I appreciate you ! 🙏

[@jamiesauter57]

My wife of 20yrs overnight stopped talking to me. I try to start conversations and I get single word answers. The more I push for answers the more she gets upset and says I'm attacking her. There is no more intimacy or sex, and she has admitted that she can't be that person for me anymore or anyone. She says there is something wrong with her but dosen't know what. We have gone from best friends and lovers to roommates raising children. She has completely checked out on all levels. I've been told to be patient and let her come to me but fear she is done. Won't talk about us and feels counseling is pointless.

[@DanakuNakka0902]

Same boat but no kids. Hope you're fine man. 5 years together and 3 years married. And it's just one word answers. The need to know basis really bothered me. I know if I'd done anything like this, the marriage would have been torn up as she would have only one conclusion. An affair. But our understanding and patience doesn't get reciprocated. Reciprocity. Where are you?

[@melkerner]

Same here - once we adopted the kids - she left our relationship. No kissing, no sex, no real intimacy. Plays on her phone, expects Wife treatment without any connection. Co-parent, I cook, grocery shop, do the dishes, run the errands, take care of the kids, do the laundry and she sits on her phone and checks out when she gets home form work. Been this way for 15 years

[@TheMessenger100]

Ask her what is her biggest stress. They may be emotional and don’t trust you to speak. I went through this and working on addressing her emotion and being there but also doing what makes you happy more. Increasing my masculinity but also being a gentleman. Don’t be afraid to speak you mind. The key is how you say in and how you stay calm with there attitude. Putting boundaries. Also ask what you can help her with ? Hopefully she will reply but first work on yourself in the process to get your confidence up. Not selfishly but self working. For you and the relationship. Also pray. Prayer works

[@dougarmstrong1089]

I am in a new relationship after 10 years single I’m looking for every single tool to put in my toolbox to make it work good we did experience a disconnect because I had a betrayal response to something that she was doing, and then I pushed her to not want to talk to me. I spiraled down and behaved badly, and we both know it was wrong on both parts. We just looking for the tools to keep this scene together, we really care about each other.

[@AndreaDoyle-k1w]

I would really like to give you a call as you mentioned in this video. Please let me know how to go about that? This was great information. Thank you.

[@tallotta1]

Monika, you have given us a lot to review, and think about. Thank you!

[@supriyapahuja2127]

Thanks Monika you have been really helpful...it makes so much sense.

[@MonikaHoyt]

I'm so glad!

[@sandragonzalez8910]

Thank you so much 💓

[@lisaivey740]

My husband had strayed away working his job and then coming home to eat dinner, then going to help a guy he recently meet work at his shop to around midnight every night.When he had days off he was at that shop along with other things he seem to live his life as a single man and not a husband, so after. five months I asked him if he wanted to sign Divorce paper and it caught him off guard and the next day he basically moved in his Mom’s house. I love him and I truly want my marriage but he has totally shut down and tells me now he just doesn’t feel anything, there is such a wall there and no matter what I say or do the bricks are still there.

[@lilndnfeather]

My husband started doing similar behavior.. he eventually moved out and I’m still lost. Did your marriage work out?

[@Vincent12]

Scheduled a call but didn’t get a good answer for this and would really appreciate your input. How do you go about this over long distance? Not calling and talking as much after we took some time apart. It’s hard to reconnect when our communication is a lot less then what it use to be. She has said that she does have some walls up and that she is still working through some things but I feel like the distance is not helping. Due to my job I will be living on the other side of the country until June at the earliest. I don’t want to smother her with love and affection but I also want her to know that my feelings are still true. Would really appreciate your input. She also gets some seasonal depression and just feels burnt out about everything. She likes texting because she can write out her thoughts more clearly but I feel like things can get skewed without tone of voice and body language. How does we communicate better while struggling to reconnect? For the record, we were always madly in love and still say I love you. Just seems like to me it’s lost a little bit of its meaning coming from her. I also agree with what you say about not talking about it, I just want to know if that applies here too. Thank you

[@alicewithdimples]

You spoke so well ❤

[@DanakuNakka0902]

11 weeks since my wife disappeared and left me with a whole host of unanswered questions. At one point she'd lost her phone and i had to call the police because her parents stopped responding too. I always take care of my health so I don't worry about myself. The question that bothers me most is how could someone intentionally choose not to talk? This is heartless as it doesn't let me move on with my life with any degree of confidence either. I've done the time. I've taken responsibility for MY part without being unreasonable to myself. I've most politely requested what led to this and how could I have acted differently. 11 weeks and no answers. All I know is she felt extremely unsafe physically due to certain issues and I had to take the blame for not supporting. I realise now that offering solutions was apparently the problem. What should I do?

[@MsI-yf4gj]

Sounds like you are more codependent? And she is more avoidant.

[@rhartl325]

Thank you.

[@MonikaHoyt]

You're welcome!

[@e-o-1085]

The wall has been up for 3 years, no talking, avoidance, how long is this going to be?

[@olgasyulyukov7945]

Same

[@skaziblu]

What id they go grey rock?

[@ByronCoolie-ef6ql]

thank you so much for your help. This is everything about me. I would love to speak with you about my situation. I just got to know how to get in touch with you.

[@thewatcher6388]

And if the reason's are for nearly all the reason's mentioned...what then??

[@johnforster6680]

Hi are your live sessions at the same day and time every week?

[@MonikaHoyt]

no it varies but for the next coupled of months. will be doing one on Tuesdays going forward in my Facebook group, then uploading to KZbin later...

[@JohnFrankland-x9o]

Thank you. How do I set up a phone call?

[@stuartmunro3164]

So you’re saying give them space like no contact , let them come to you ?

[@MonikaHoyt]

Yes 👍

[@davidwagle-pc3qu]

And when they don’t come?

[@alloymusicgroup7659]

Best video I’ve ever watched!!!!

[@mertasmemorys0713]

I need help..😢😢😢😢 She cold and distant to me ..

[@PatrickKling-cv8fu]

Does the Master Class come with a cost?

[@jasonfromm5637]

Spot on

[@sandragonzalez8910]

I would like to talk to you

[@dawndeeearven1616]

Wow!!! No such thing as coincidence 🙏💞🤗🥰

[@pavanchahl1039]

Genius.

[@dawndeeearven1616]

Thank You Thank You Thank You 🙏 😇💫🥰🤗

[@jeremydees6103]

How to book a call

[@MonikaHoyt]

Hello Jeremy! Have you had a chance to listen to my master class by chance? If not I can send you the replay and you could have a listen to that first and if that resonates we could book a call to chat with you, it's free just to see if we might be able to support you

[@patfitz6098]

Kindly send me also the master class

[@direland82]

I really enjoy watching your videos. But when my wife (who's leaning out) and I spoke with your staff it started great, but then it felt like a weight loss sales program. We were hoping you offer forward thinking couples counseling and not a"program", 12:53 is that an option?

[@eddevinen4465]

Is 19 months giving up too soon?

[@MonikaHoyt]

It depends on the context and how long you have been together. Sometimes you have to let go first

[@AnnieCherian-oh5sc]

He's not come ,he not talk he's more anger he help every thing and he's saying he not come he not hang on with me,he put wall,now just not talk text him only emergency

[@deb2319]

🙏🙏🙏 Thank You

[@karenpierce4909]

What about wasting 3 years so far, let alone 1 week! Left homeless when he left, with nowhere to go.

[@janetharrison6994]

Husband detached from me no reason just to cheat n lies nothing wrong with our love life told me i was best better than his 2 other wifes ? But been married 8 yrs 3rd marriage for him 2nd for me ? But flirts openly in frnt of me . Goes off n leaves me runs after orher women ? In stores or pubs leaves me alone n goes car pk with woman ?? If i say anything he calls me deliusional n mental . Ignoring me n hides phone n spending money on women ..

[@JohnDretired]

Step 1: stop doing whatever it is that has made them build those walls in the first place.

[@DwillExperience]

That’s easy to say but some people like myself are unaware of the damage that caused the walls to go up woman are very good at being indirect with their emotions

[@AmyBaldwin-dc8ty]

Some walls are up from previous relationships and childhood trauma. My husband had walls because he was in a 10 year waaaay dysfunctional marriage before we started dating. His wife ended up having multiple Affairs, and one of their babies was from her affair partner. I literally could be the best partner in the world and he still has wall from the trauma.

[@th3coolestkid]

@@AmyBaldwin-dc8ty 14 years. I had my walls up for years. She loved me and always chased. She always tried to bring them down and finally they did come down but now hers are up. She’s extremely cold, and the intimacy/affection is gone.

[@AmyBaldwin-dc8ty]

@@th3coolestkid I'm sorry that's happened. I hope you guys can heal. ♥️

[@melkerner]

may not even be something you did for them to build those walls - could be some trigger perpetuating from their childhood or previous relationship. Some people (avoidant) shut down and withdraw when you get close because they simply can't deal with their own feelings and vulnerabilities in relationship. Nothing you are doing wrong, just their inability to be vulnerable.