How To Cope With An Avoidant Partner

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

I will be taking some time off around the holidays. If you want to Skype with me, sign up sooner than later

[@sweetleaf0923]

Loved her saying, " it helps to be a saint" (smile)

[@ChrisLT]

Add me to these cases, with 4+ years: "I hear cases sometimes where people have been together for years, and it worked for the avoidant person but the other person is just a disaster by now. And feeling unloveable. And I don't think avoidants ever mean to be abusive, but they can end up being emotionally abusive because they'll be close for periods of time and you get all excited that they're coming around. And then they'll just disappear again." It took many months after the break up to start looking at things clearly. And it was only the past few months where I realized how bad the relationship was for my mental health because of the stuff mentioned above. It's been nearly a year since the break up and I'm feeling way more emotionally healthy than I did while with the girl. What's interesting is that once I finally hit a breaking point and called her out on her bad behavior, she broke it off later that week. So the second the relationship would require her to make changes and grow a little, she was out. But man, I haven't had any anxiety in so long. "Cope" is a good word for it. What I learned is that you can't really make an avoidant change, as it has to come from within. I waited a long time for her to change and she just wasn't capable of doing it.

[@gj9747]

Yes that’s 💯

[@ROMI909]

Thank you for sharing this experience. Along with the content of the video, the comments like yours adds to the knowledge gain.

[@LG-ly7di]

This one! My avoidant ex came back after a month of no contact. It seemed good for a while, then she just suddenly started disappearing again! This has been the case for what seems like forever now.. I’ve told her, that I can’t keep doing things like this.. but she always tries to come back. It’s mind boggling to me! I often feel unwanted.. but then she comes back telling me she wants me..

[@johnnycalderon9951]

My ex just came bck after a month as well. We been talking and suppose hangout this weekend. But seems so dry and night I made a comment trying to flirt and shes like u stressing me out smh. I'm like listen let's just forget this I can't be with someone that I'm stressing out and I haven't done nothing. And I hope if she does reaches out this isn't a pattern.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

​@@johnnycalderon9951it will absolutely be a pattern. I struggled with an avoidance partner for 2 years and it was absolute hell. Hot and cold behavior constantly feeling important and then disregarded.. wrecked havoc on my mental health so I finally had the strength to drop them and leave. It's been 5 years since we were together and this past Valentine's Day, they started sniffing around my facebook again. I would have given anything to be with him and I think this is almost cruel behavior even though I'm sure he does not see it that way. But I learned my lesson and I'm going to scare clear of people who bring out my triggers and I hope you can do that for yourself also 🩷

[@adri8wog]

"Hi Adriana, my mum said she hopes you're doing good. You're spoken of quite often too" - indirect direct approach lol

[@00Qan]

The difficult part is distinguishing avoidants from secure. What if the partner can contact you daily but at the same time distant themselves and not telling you how they feel?

[@ursulasp8264]

That's exactly what happened to me!

[@unknowboysvlogsghana9750]

This is my problem now whenever I try to move on she will be calling and showing care when we start talking then she will be acting busy and being online without texting again!!

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

that's an avoidant person whom actually cares but isn't emotionally available.. so she will check in and try to act polite, don't expect any kind of healthy connection

[@ceeelo4111]

As always your words of education are always so soothing. I have been doing the work 24/7 sleeping with ear pods on , listening to you guys while I clean drive and while I am laying down. I don’t watch TV much now. I find my comfort in learning what you guys graciously share!! I just want to add that I am doing this for me because I battled anxiety my whole life and at the point of my life change it nearly broke me. I have to say a year before I was reading books on the subject and listening to other speakers and no one was helping till I met you wonderful souls!! Your educational words keep me going and I am growing into a deeper more attuned individual who is more aware of myself and how I can affect another person in interaction !!! Thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart !! And for all those who are in the pool of despair trying to stay afloat keep learning about yourselves !!! When we heal ourselves it truly changes everything!!! Again thank you Coach Craig , coach Margaret and coach Victoria !!! 🌹

[@lauraa2778]

Hey Craig, so the long-term bf came and went, came and went, came and went, I went NC each time (who knows now if that was the right path for his DA, and grass is greener 'syndrome,' tendencies) but last time when I went I was gone! I was empathetic and tip-toed around his needs, but I can't be option or choice B, C, D, or even Z. Your channel has helped me to understand avoidant behaviors - slightly ironic as I've worked as a mental health RN for over 5 years, but I obv needed the extra help here for my sitch - whatever happens I appreciate all the great work you (all) do on this channel, thanks again Coach C, M, and V!

[@Lovely-ff7uv]

In the no contact phase, Avoidants are the King & Queens of the 'indirect direct' So prepare yourself in the meantime.

[@raimaishrat5934]

Ahhh that’s never gonna happen in my case ☹️

[@asher6047]

@@raimaishrat5934Did they make contact?

[@Dad_Brad]

After my experience with more than one avoidant, plus over two years of learning from this channel with the workbooks..I’m throwing in the towel on avoidants. I won’t ever take one as a serious partner again. It’s not worth the trouble. Hooking up and having fun at the most, as long as we’re both treating each other with respect like adults.

[@brandonf24]

I'm sorry...it's been my experience that anxious people are damaged, whereas avoidants are fked up. The two avoidants in my personal life were unbearable, unsupportive, and incapable. Best to walk away because they could never love you back fully in the way anyone deserves. Don't do what I did and waste years of your life trying.

[@cfnaround1585]

How do you define the difference between “damaged” and “fked up” lol

[@livelearnandgrow5422]

You have to be a therapist with a PhD to understand these people .spoken by the Anxious personality

[@acd1168]

You are all wasting your time by trying to deal with an avoidant partner. Make sure you put yourself first. Leave them in the dust if they can’t respect you and your boundaries. And no I am not bitter. I just do not tolerate emotionally unhealthy people who do not want to grow.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

Sound Advice 👌

[@Layla-dq5rg]

Beautiful. ‘Try acceptance before you insist on change.’ Thank you for this Margaret and Craig.

[@Justin-xi6ue]

This helped me feel a lot less anxious and after taking a deep breath I think I can finally sleep now.. Thank you for this. I’ve had a lot of success with my ex returning after no contact, however circumstances had changed in her life that’s made her a lot more avoidant than normal. I miss her and it makes me worry like crazy that I’m going to lose her, or that she’s just using me, etc. But I know she probably just has a lot on her plate right now and needs this. As much as it sucks right now, in reality we both can’t be happy together again unless we work thru our problems individually anyway. In the meantime I’ve always kept my options open, but chances are if the time and feelings are right I’d rather have her over anyone else. The only thing I worry about is how often this will occur though.. I don’t know if I can fully cope in dealing with an avoidant long term. Though I guess there is still a chance we could be equals again too. Guess I’ll just have to wait and see. :/

[@kyliespeers5785]

I have no words for how brilliant Margaret is this really helped thank you 🙏

[@wrestlebdk]

On the last section of the creative healing course Craig! Should finish it in the next few weeks

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

oh man there's nothing like an avoidant to drive us toward coping mechanisms.. I'm stronger than I was.. that's for sure

[@Lanes8930]

I would love to see a video on PTSD and what we should expect / do when a partner with PTSD wants a break or break up.

[@jamesjamila279]

Thanx Craig and your team, this is a long 1 year journey for my partner and I now and we are slowly making progress

[@jessebohannon7084]

Craig, this point on disappointment led me to great work in the creative healing course. This was a major trigger for me in my last relationship. Thank you!

[@CoachCraigKenneth]

How far along are you in the Course? And what do you think of it so far?

[@jessebohannon7084]

@@CoachCraigKenneth I'm a little more than half way through. I'm going back and doing some exercises again to reprocess things and seeing even more the second time through. I am learning so much about myself, my ex and the differences in how we see the world that drove us apart. I'm reporting back to me therapist and peer group on alternating weeks on the work I am doing in the workbooks and both say I have made tremendous progress. This year-long journey has been difficult, but you and Margaret have been my daily companions. My ex is not the lighthouse. You have been.

[@summervirgo8162]

All videos on this topic has been god sent, this has really made me understand and has opened an entire world for me … thank you so much and please keep it coming on this topic!

[@dallin8170]

My ex after 3 months apart saw me for the first time and blew me a kiss then flipped me off and ran away. Never have I met someone so immature about anything. After a year and a half she didn’t even think to talk it out, she just assumed I’m the devil and ignored me since day 1 of break up. I’m so sad and empty you can’t understand

[@dotfive5six477]

Jesus

[@hmanfilms]

she sounds 12 you'll be ight

[@denisejaydub]

I needed this reminder. Thank you 🥺

[@tansz8092]

Thank you so much! I feel like this video was especially for me (I commented on yesterday's new video). This was very informative!! Thanks again and Happy Holidays from California!

[@esslar]

I love and miss Margaret so much ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[@vonniemichelle3670]

Tip: do not mention that they aren’t doing enough… chances are they’re already making efforts outside their wheelhouse… if you complain or even mention without complaint that it isn’t enough, you will get the opposite result. They’ll pull back completely… so not to let you down. Sounds crazy, but that’s their instinct. It’s been a year now for me and my avoidant partner. It gets easier. Don’t endeavour to change them… you have to adapt. You cannot ask a person to shape shift for your happiness… you have to make allowances and truly trust ANY effort they make as a green light in terms of their affections. And don’t mention any of this to them until they’re comfortable with open dialogue. I’m a year in and still not there… but it’s ok. All is well. ❤

[@lesleysole6427]

It is very hard being with advoidant..he ingores me calls too etc .but there advoidant how can they do oth see things n talk to others?

[@nickflynn621]

Sounds like these avoidants need to learn how to love themselves first

[@jeansenior5242]

As an avoidant... this is absolutely true... we have to fix ourselves or atleast have partners patient enough to work through it with us.

[@danielosmon]

Great content, thanks for the insight. Your perspectives help shed light on difficult circumstances

[@whiterobin01]

When you talk about Avoidants, it seems that the behaviors of the Fearful Avoidant and the Dismissive Avoidant are quite different. So maybe it would be good to differentiate the two?

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

I think it's almost too easy for an anxious person or a codependent person to get totally wrapped up in how to fix the avoidant. I used to read books on how to fix my partner, now I read books on how to improve myself.

[@android1012]

KZbin got rid of the Dislike count so that now we can't see how many jealous, shitty, inferior, rival "coaches" are out there. 😂🤡 Anyway, excellent work, Craig & Margaret. Very informative info. about the avoidant partner...who a lot of us have experience with. Thanks.

[@eternalfaith4558]

It is doable I just wish I knew this is what the issue was. I accepted him as he was , he has a heart of gold my TDG.

[@Danash2013]

I think I may be the avoidant in the relationship. My partner is an anxious attachment and we're having serious issues as she want to get engaged right now and it's causing massive problems. I'm not trying to be cruel and I'm not depressed. I dunno man

[@katiebennett650]

I'm injoying my 20s but I am a fiscally prepaired for my 30 too 34 ...yall do great

[@katiebennett650]

@@biancadelarosa7986 I might be getting somewhere I been trying too heal my back I have bad back pain from 5 n a half years ago I was helping my bestfriend with her baby and I may had slipped a disk and I think it went back in but been looking on back acersises and been wanting my ex back, I all so been wanting some time I am a shy personality person and it may take a while before I ever had the chance I think 30s are a perfect time too settle down but still be half young especially early 30s I hope you have a wonderful day and thank you so much 💖

[@rampage241]

How does one identify an avoidant as soon as possible before catching feelings?

[@Katobal]

I wish I could afford your services for this unique situation I’m in. I haven’t talked to my ex since the 5th of November & I’m feeling down, haven’t ate. She accused me of cheating and I know with everything I got I did not do it.

[@alexandrulupu725]

This anxious one is like : I had it ! Enough ! :)))

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

Or maybe the avoidant really doesn't care... Or trust enough to actually connect. It was obvious to me that my ex had massive unresolved trauma but if she's not willing to communicate or even acknowledge she needs to deal with things... Well then

[@kintuinka]

Im trying to repair things with an avoidant ex that i was dating and we had actually a beautifull conexion but his avoidance triggered my anxiety at maximum when he suddenly dumped me because he said he just could not take my love and i didnt understand that. Unfortunatelly i broke NC today after 50 days because i know he will fly to his country very soon and i want to rescue at least our friendship because now i understand everything... is just we triggered our inner childhood traumas. I got a sweet short answer and i answer back trying to continue our talk but now he let me in seen and no answer but i really would like to talk in persom before he goes

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

This sounds very painful, I hope you have moved on from this relationship and found your strength

[@JerryGreenhouse]

Can you make a video based on getting a securely attached person back?

[@alexblainelayter7703]

That's a fantastic video, thank you so much, you two!

[@raimaishrat5934]

My DA has decided to leave me on 11th May, due to my separation Anxiety I tried to keep him but knowing that asking him to marry me was too much to do. I couldn’t neither let him go nor force him. On my last try I unfriended him from everywhere and at a point wanted to take my own life because of the unbearable pain. Soon I found your channel by October even though since 8th September I completely stopped reaching our to him and still am in No contact, working on myself and trying to mend the self respect that I possibly shed off while trying to fix our 8 year old long distance relationship. I just wanted to know should I continue being in No contact? We never had ugly fights or any issues, he just left me for no reason thinking it will never work out.

[@komatsu8169]

What did you do? Did you reach out to him? Did you get him back?

[@hiddenidentity483]

I’m 2.5 weeks into NC, 1 month after breakup. I know I shouldn’t be stalking social media, but I have. Just 2 days ago, my ex deleted all of our pictures except 1 from her social media. I will not break NC. Is this however possibly a “sign” that NC is working? As in she’s trying to get me to reach out to her? I am not blocked on socials, and my ex has even liked a photo or two of my family. Any comments welcome and appreciated. Thank you all.

[@jeansenior5242]

Very good video!

[@ummiumar7173]

*#*Hi dear| if you seriously want help to get your ex back or a specific💞💕💞 person I know of a man| who helped me bring my ex back he can also help you*#**

[@ummiumar7173]

*♱2347089220374💕💕💞💞💞💞⏭⏯⏯⏯⏯⏯??????????????????????***

[@MattPacksXD]

Want to cope with an Avoidant? Don’t

[@adoptioncorner1984]

Excellent video sums it up wonderfully

[@ursulasp8264]

Great content! Thank you both! I suspect that my ex is avoidant, not extremely avoidant, but clearly he does have an inability to express his emotions and feelings. He was very cold, ZERO romantic words, he treated me like a friend. To get out of my suspicions, I had him take an attachment styles test and the result was that his secure attachment was slightly higher than his avoidant attachment, and had almost no anxious attachment. Now I have more doubts. How much should we trust these attachment style tests? Or is it more accurate to observe the behavior of these people?

[@kongvang5359]

I didn't realize it now but my ex was also avoidant. It's really hard to deal with them and at times I even started to question if we were even relationship to begin with. She eventually broke up with me giving me excuses, but I don't think she actually knew the real reason herself.

[@CristianaCatólica]

Those tests are good....the problem is that when DAs do them by them selves with no one challenging their answers, they are gonna have a very distorted perspective of reality.......remember they cant take accountability for most things they do, they avoid looking at themselves etc......so how can we expect for those results to be accurate with them doing it alone......Blessings!

[@S3113jshb]

Can you do a video about social media during NC? Like, should you not post anything?

[@mhill88ify]

Search their video library, duh

[@kylieburton8023]

Can you please make a video about serial monogamists

[@yswen828]

My ex and I broke up in January because of religious reasons, but he still wanted to be friends and hang out. We agreed to meet up in February but didn’t talk much and I knew something was on his mind but couldn’t figure out what it was. I decided to go into NC and stayed for four months and was feeling really better. Reached out last week because I wanted to see how he’s doing. He told me he’s doing well and moved to Washington. He didn’t even tell me about the move so I asked him (answer has nothing to do with breakup). He hasn’t told me he missed me or ask how I’m doing, but he’s responding to all my messages. I think he has an avoidant attachment style. Should I still talk to him or cut him off?

[@S3113jshb]

Also, what if you run into your ex during NC? How do you act?

[@theonewithmanynames3174]

Damm. Now im confused. I really loved this girl. I was anxius and she was avoidant. I wasnt emotionally controling myself and she dumped me. Im in no contact for 4 months now. I dont know if best option is to go on and find someone better for me or to go and try to fix stuff and (deal with) my avoidant ex

[@Ken-od7gc]

Move on man. There are billions of people in the world. I know how you feel as I've been through it but once I decided to move on....That is when life got way way better. You can't fix someone that doesn't want it. Save your energy take care of yourself and you will attract people that really care for you.

[@ladloca5252]

Had a very good weekend with an avoidant...and he disappeared on me. Sick!

[@ronchilled]

Amazing videi

[@ChefChrisDay]

What would you say if your ex gf is an anxious avoidant person (also suffering from anxiety) and I (also somewhat of an anxious avoidant) cheated on her and now after getting back in touch we aren't communicating well. Not much if anything from her. Is there any hope?

[@amandaj0sie]

4:24 is an actual representation of an anxious person😂😂😂😂😂 exactly how I feel at the moment

[@mhill88ify]

Ultimatums are just a more aggressive way to state your needs, in a way that makes the consequences more visible. I don't see a problem with using them, but only as a true last straw. Not sure why Craig would disagree with them. What better way to make an impactful communication to someone who isn't getting it?

[@Ken-od7gc]

I'm sure the idea is that avoidants shut down with ultimatum. I agree with you. This bullshit tip toe walking on eggshells around these emotional wrecks will take even a secure style and reduce them to nothing. And frankly ultimatums are a great litmus. If they respond positively seems they actually give a shit. If not...see ya. Got better things in my life to do. Seriously people here that want to cope or fix or adapt or whatever for these emotional vampires....why? Why should you do all the compromise and sacrifice when they will pull the break up trigger at the smallest thing regardless of how you show up for them. Bitter? Yes. More bitter at myself for letting ANYBODY treat me so poorly as my DA ex. Respect yourself and put your energy to positive use. Let therapists and coaches deal with these diseased shells of human beings.

[@Ken-od7gc]

How to cope with avoidant: ignore your needs, compromise your boundaries, make damn sure you have a health plan with good mental health coverage....seriously why?

[@AmberSmith-td1nb]

How you cope is you fucking leave then behind and find someone else

[@redmiaj4598]

As always a very helpful video. Thanks Craig and Margaret =). In my experience with an avoidant woman I can relate to the feeling of not being loved, and that for the only person that the relationship is working for is for her. Also I remember the way they triangulate and indirectly tell you or make you know that they are pining for an ex or another person but not for you. That experience force me to question why I want to stay and be there for a person that is there (sometimes haha an for a short periods of time and then nothing) but even while being present they are not there for you in a broad sense, and are always considering another options. In another video Margaret's say something like "it always end up when you find a secure partner" haha, not waiting for an avoidant to change or maintaining yourself trying to save them. Also I find the video "understanding dysfunctional families ..) kzbin.info/www/bejne/pH6Ui5SPr5tjeNk Very helpful. Because is very curious but I think that it is something who happens very often. Curiously avoidants can be in long relationships and still yearning for ex persons who gave them love bombing, casual sex, adventures. Make them work for love, validation and sex. and slowly turning more on the side of overt or covert abusive. I find that in that kind of relationships they re enacting the stories behind their avoidant style conformation and in that conditions they want to be there and do a lot of work to maintain that kind of relationships. When I think of the girl who crushed my heart I think in the movie Casino and I remember to myself that I never want to be in a position like that again. For all of you that are confused and hurt by an avoidant, keep working on yourself like Craig always say, eventually you will feel better and going to be in a better position to find a good partner.

[@parkermedarb]

She is missed.

[@Snowhite102]