How to Decide When to Disclose or Not Your Trans Identity in Dating and What are Dangers?

Self disclosure in dating is a personal matter, however, there are things you want to keep in mind when deciding not to disclose.
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Hello Friends! I'm Dr Z, and this is a channel where I help you break free from dysphoria!
I am a clinical psychologist specializing in the transgender field, working with adults only. For the past 18 years, my work has focused on Gender Dysphoria and the formation of gender identity. I provide online therapy for residents of California, New York, Texas, and Florida. My pronouns are she/her, and you can visit my website for more info at drzphd.com/abo...
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[@laurabushey2667]

One of the more "eye-opening' things that I've discovered over the years is that it;s impossible to determine how open minded a person might be. Individuals that I perceived as very liberal were often closed minded with regard to trans issues, and individuals that thought were "knuckle draggers" were often much more open minded than I had originally thought. In my own case, full disclosure is essential, for two reasons: (1) if someone can't deal with it, then neither of us will be very hurt; (2) if a relationship ensues, it clearly involves honesty from the start. Note that I'm well aware that this scenario might not be appropriate for anyone else, and I would never suggest so.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I agree, honesty is important.

[@christopherclelland4483]

@@DRZPHD am really looking forward to be come a girl cose I am transgender

[@wendyvance5144]

I strongly lean toward disclosure from the beginning, because I do fear (and for good reason) for my life if I were to withhold that I am transgender. Fortunately, I have found a wonderful transgender and we have gone on a few dates. The fact that we are both transgender is not an issue. This has made our relationship so much easier and has brought us closer together.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and thats great that you found a person you feel connected to.

[@GoddessLadyRei]

We need to disclose that we are Trans from the start. That way we don't end up murdered.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes, sadly that is our reality.

[@heather6154]

And because its the person your dating’s buisness as well

[@AmongGangstas]

There is nothing "sad" about that. That's almost like saying r__e is okay. ​@@DRZPHD

[@nunyabusiness757]

You tell someone straight up, on the FIRST date. No exceptions.

[@DRZPHD]

I dont disagree with you.

[@floria9565]

Everyone has the right to not disclose anything that is sensitive and private. Ideally, we should feel free to behave according to this principle. That being said, I agree with you Dr. Z. We shouldn't put ourselves in danger. I may have the right of passage while crossing the street but if I just assume that everyone is a good driver that will respect my right of passage I may actually end up dead because of that mistake.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and sadly, safety is huge concern for so many.

[@h.w.johnstoke991]

I just love your hair and makeup as well as your clothes -- I would love to dress up like you!

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you.

[@bernardosouza2638]

I lean towards disclosure in the begining because I think that if someone wants to be with you they will want you as a whole, if a person chooses not to date you solely because you're trans the shame's on them for not wanting to meet such an incredible person. We're not walking genitals, that's not what dating, and feelings, and hell, even what love is about. So if someone isn't willing to be with you because you're trans, they're not worth it.

[@DRZPHD]

So well said. Thank you and I totally agree. I also think that disclosure from the start is linked to self acceptance and confidence.

[@jessandlydiatrask2046]

My fiancee is a transgender woman and she disclosed to me when we started talking. I was attracted to her personality from the beginning..Most

[@DRZPHD]

That’s great!

[@livenca]

Thank you Dr. Z. This video could literally save lives. I am close to starting to date as a trans woman, and found this thoughful exploration of the disclosure issue to be very helpful. ❤️

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and I wish you all the best in dating world.

[@livenca]

@@DRZPHD ☺️ ❤️

[@DrayseSchneider]

Important topic and thank you for projecting your knowledge and advice into the discussion.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for listening.

[@tonijackson3814]

I'm MTF and served my country , and have seen some horrific things in my life. Really not scared of much , but I do pride myself on honesty. Before my primary care Dr and I met to discuss HRT and knew the ball was moving in the right direction. I made the decision it was time to confront my family and friends so after a full weekend of calling and explaining to everyone which was 60+ calls involving over 100+ ppl. I got everyone's support love and understanding.Since that time yes I have dated men and women , and let them know all about me , but i also kinda feel people out way before dating them and kinda already know where they stand. Some call it doing your homework others call it gathering Intel either way before i date them i let them know ,as I'm very proud of who I am , and so are my family and friends. Timing is everything , time it right and gather your Intel ,but be honest you don't want to hurt other people, or get hurt

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am so glad you got incredible support. Thank you for your service and for the safety you provide to all!

[@tinap8227]

Hello Dr Z! I love your videos because sometimes they make me consider things I haven't thought about and help me think about other trans peoples experiences in more depth. Thank you! This is something I gave a lot of thought about over the past year since I started transition. I never stopped dating, I understand many people do, but I didn't see why I should. It was new, I had to navigate the differences, but why wait to learn? My experience with dating men did change very quickly and I understood fast what works for me. I always disclose right from the start, I am VERY openly trans, I don't need to shout about it ofcourse, its part of who I am but only a small part. My "passing" increases every week, and sure I may not stand out too much, I get hit on by "unsuspecting" men, but I truly believe being seen visibly trans, with positive, varied and open representation in society helps the community and normalises / breaks down stereotypes and prejudices. For myself, being open about my identity comes with many benefits I couldn't live without. First, and most importantly, I've nothing to be ashamed of and have no need to hide it. My mental health suffered before I transitioned BECAUSE I wasn't living this way. How can I expect someone to want to spend time with me, date me or love me if I didn't believe this myself? My confidence and value of my own self worth is what others find attractive about me. It is what I find attractive in others. Secondly, I don't have to worry or concern myself about disclosure. If someone is not comfortable with dating me, they can simply not date me and it never gets to a point where I can be disappointed. I don't date other people for multiple reasons and this is no different. Choosing a partner IS infact very much so about being picky! There are many, many others waiting for the opportunity to do so. (Wow have I found that to be true, maybe very early on I had doubts but they were completely unfounded.) Thirdly, why would I want to date someone that isn't wholly invested in the relationship, or where it could fall apart for something intrinsic about myself I have no control of? I wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone that was a racist or bigoted in another way. I can often pass as white, but I'm not 100%. Why put myself through that mess? There are many, many things to consider about dating when trans, but from what I see, most can be avoided by disclosure, living openly and forcing others to confront their reluctances. Safety is the only time I can see (for me personally) as acceptable for not being forthright, but safety is exactly the same reason why you should be, just pick when and where.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and you bring up excellent points which all in my view, have to do with self acceptance. I think self acceptance is crucial as it leads to open self disclosure and helps others in world see that trans identity is just another natural identity.

[@lexingtonsherbin1868]

Hi Dr. Z. Thank you for bringing up this topic. I feel you are not being pessimistic, but being straightforward about the unfortunate reality of what CAN happen, if we disclose our trans identity later. I personally feel that for myself, I would rather be up front from the beginning. I feel I would rather be told by someone that they're not interested in dating a trans male, then to invest my feelings of hope only for it to come to an end after disclosing later. I also feel that there are people who are seeking good relationships and that gender, or trans vs. cis, isn't always a factor. For some, personality, compatibility and other things are more important. I also understand that some people might not want to be with a trans person (trans guy in my case) because they are so used to cis gender males, and they can't get past certain things cerebrally. There are plenty of "fish in the sea." I only need one. I also feel by disclosing sooner than later, if it is not an issue, we can have a better time getting to know each other. Or if they are not sure (it might be their first time with a trans guy), but they are open to possibility, we can still have a nice time getting to know each other. I mean, I too am not sure about someone being right for me until I get to know them and see what they are all about. I feel if I want something lasting, they have to know at some point, so start with that disclosure. I feel sometimes we are pleasantly surprised by someone being open to possibilities, and that's where I feel optimism comes in. I do agree with you that safety is important. Nothing is worth being violently attacked or worse, G-d forbid, over seeking a relationship with someone, and taking that kind of chance. I would definitely say its better to be turned down, then to later be physically harmed or possibly killed. That's a very real scenario that I feel should be taken seriously and more than just into consideration. I didn't know if I would disclose on a dating profile that I am trans, but your video helped me to reach a a conclusion about that. Thanks again! You're a brilliant woman, and I am so glad you provide your insight for all of us who need input like this.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I love your comment “plenty of fish in the sea and I only need one” 🤗

[@bradleyvanderwesthuizen4271]

Thank you so much Dr Z! Your videos are so so relevant to me and I’m sure to the entire trans community. I’ve learned so much in the last 8months from your videos which have basically saved my life in many ways.

[@DRZPHD]

You are very welcome and I am glad they help!

[@rumi7145]

Would You Rather Be Misgendered Or Dead? There're Much Worse Things That Have Happened To People That They've Recovered From.

[@paule5778]

My husband of a few decades asked me whether I sometimes look at a man and think that he is gorgeous. I hesitated and eventually said that yes, but I didn't give the real reason why -i don't fancy him, I want to be like him! Basically at this stage I prefer to spare him a cruel shock.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@ethanpoole3443]

This question seems to mirror, almost perfectly, what those of us with significant disabilities, severe chronic illnesses, and/or significant mental health issues face when it comes to disclosure and dating. I tend to fall into the “earliest possible opportunity” if not “upfront” category of disclosure as my experience has been that those who are going to reject us are generally going to reject us no matter when we disclose (the hate and fear remain no matter how long they get to know us in most instances) - nor should we allow ourselves to feel any shame for being trans or disabled and owning these personal truths can help with that. Disclosing upfront does mean far fewer opportunities because it becomes a self-selecting criteria for most persons, but it also means far less wasted time, energy, and broken hearts when we are inevitably rejected further into a dating relationship because we delayed disclosure. Plus I tend to be hyper-honest (perhaps overly so) and withholding such information, even though it is personal and medical in nature, just feels too much like deception given that I know the other person is going to absolutely make a “go/no go” decision based only upon that information alone when I do disclose. Not that I have much experience with people choosing “yes” as it has been my experience that every single woman I have ever been interested in and then asked has rejected me. But I still hold out some hope that, even at 50, perhaps one day there may be at least a single woman in all this world (cis or trans) who can see past what I do not have to offer (namely good physical & mental health nor an “active” lifestyle) and may finally choose to see all that this non-binary “guy” (I still outwardly express mostly as my birth sex as it is simpler and I don’t feel a strong need to reject my physical body, I just don’t especially identify with being exclusively male or female) does still have to offer and can offer well in excess of most (especially insofar as empathy, compassion, and truly unconditional love and acceptance of others just the way they are and for who they are, and a great listener and cheerleader/supporter of those I care about). Although I am also hoping that as I work through and address the immense childhood trauma (absent parents, multiple close family deaths and repeated losses of friends, years of extreme bullying in school, severe religious trauma from Evangelical Fundamentalism and their early Purity Culture messaging that severely damaged my sexuality, domestic violence and abuse in the only romantic relationship I have ever had 30 years ago, and decades of medical trauma from my body simply breaking down from the all the years of childhood trauma and it’s effects on my mind and body) that my physical and mental health might, hopefully, begin to improve at least a bit as I am quite disabled and physically limited these days.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@amarwalters8824]

For me I believe in disclosing immediately.. I don't want to get hurt are want to hurt anybody else.... I feel it's better to come out immediately, that's just my opinion

[@DRZPHD]

Totally agree!

[@starstellastar3680]

Great video! I had a question about a particular video topic. I've noticed that people who detransitioned often have experienced sexual trauma which they claim made them gender dysphoric. I've experienced sexual abuse in my past and i dont feel its related to my dysphoria, but i want to make sure i dont make a big mistake by transitioning, so getting the opinion of a professional on this topic would be great❤

[@DRZPHD]

@Stella Star thanks for asking and thats a very tough question to ask since I dont know your case in particularly. In my professional experience, I have only seen two of such cases but they had very severe sexual trauma, were older, and had additional severe mental health concerns. In their cases, I feel, transition was actually helping them cope and live. Sorry that I cant answer your question directly for you. See if you can see professional in your area to talk to.

[@alviaiscute]

I went through sexual traumas but I also had lots of memories blocked until very recently so I thought for such a long time that I didn't have many of those trans kid experiences but I did. Especially puberty just confirmed it to me - I wasn't happy and felt suicidal. So I feel that sexual traumas from my late teens to early 20s only worked as catalysts to discover my gender. And the weird thing is, I felt repulsed by men. So I didn't even feel comfortable discovering my trans-masculine side at that time and my boundaries with pronouns kinda sucked. So that's my experience. I also had so many mental health things to work through that I didn't feel like I had the chance to explore my gender... so I have some of those similarities but my gender dysphoria hasn't had anything to do with my traumas.

[@vincentlewis2894]

That is something that should disclose is you are dating. Other people have a right to make a decision for what is best for them. That is something that can traumatized someone. That person may never be able to look at another dating the same. I dated a woman who went trough that and she was always questioning if a guy is really a guy. Don’t hurt people like that. Be proud of who you are.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear about your friend.

[@rbrindell]

Well if and when I start dating it will only be with someone who knows I’m trans. I’m very proud of my trans identity and being visible is important to me so there you have it.

[@DRZPHD]

That’s so great to have such level of self acceptance! Bravo!

[@manchitas3531]

Not being into trans people IS NOT TRANSPHOBIA. Many trans are attracted to and prefer cis gendered partners too. Why don't we just encourage respect for sexual preferences, period?! I too have a right to be attracted to cis gendered partners without being exposed to insults and called transphobic. Personally, I would reject a potential partner who did not share with me that he was not born male. Matter of preferences with the same right to be respected as any other gender's preferences.

[@kanzjamalhawa4945]

Very informative video love you

[@kanzjamalhawa4945]

Thankyou for making good videos to save lots of transgender lives it helps us a lot.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you and glad to hear you find it helpful.

[@Monica-gj2yx]

I wish people took their time getting to know one another instead of rushing it. Friendship first . . .

[@DRZPHD]

Agree.

[@hdhdhdhbdhdbd9799]

Yes in school people would judge me for being gay and they would pick on me relentlessly...so when i got older and accepted myself i relized alot of those people picked on me because I supposeldly was not being true to myself even though it should be for myself only ...people are like that so just be true to the life you live and you'll find your way.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes very true. And people can sense if we are not being ourselves too.

[@nomi4905]

Right away! As a proud straight guy, if you are a trans female (were born a male) I would NOT want to be locking lips with you, or even entertain the idea of romantically dating... Simple!

[@DRZPHD]

OK, thanks for letting me and everyone else know your preferences.

[@Jymnopolis]

The very idea of entering back into dating is terrifying to me even were I a cisgender. Being trans lesbian and very shy I think I would rather be alone than do the “dating game” ever again.

[@DRZPHD]

Sorry to hear that and I wish you well.

[@bobbear4u]

It's really a matter of your age group, I am 61. If you are dating 50 & 60 year olds. There is zero acceptance. You have to hide it. Younger people tend to be more accepting, but the age gap is a big problem. The above is for meeting men as a trans woman. Meeting a woman as a trans woman at my age is almost impossible for any age group and hiding it is a non-starter.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry to hear that. While I do agree the age group does matter, I have also seen many people in older group finding partner.

[@ryptoll4801]

I understand it's difficult, but I don't think it's impossible. I may be young myself (31) and ftm, but I've dated and been approached by men and women in their 50's and 60's who were totally cool with me being trans, and were attracted to me. That generation of cis people tend to have an odd/old understanding of transgender, and they sometimes take longer to understand what it means to us (and frankly, some never do) but that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't accept you. Actually, people of my own age group seem a lot more likely to be judgemental and uncomfortable with me being trans, in my area. The older generations treat me with a lot more respect, generally. (Although they often tell my I'm just lazy, despite being autistic, but that's a whole other issue.) So maybe it's just your area that isn't very nice. I'm sorry about that though, and I hope it gets better soon.

[@Danny-kk4nj]

I haven't actually seen the full video yet but I don't think you're obligated to disclose you're trans on the first couple of dates, you don't know if it's gonna go anywhere and it could put your safety at risk however I absolutely would before we were intimate in any way, even after surgery. Being trans has shaped who I am and if I didn't tell my partner that then I would feel like she doesn't know the true me, and I also wouldn't want to date someone who would reject a trans person anyway. I'm very fortunate that my partner is pansexual and loves me regardless of my trans identity, she has been my biggest supporter and idk how I'd get through transition without her.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and so well said. I agree that it shapes up who you are and there is absolutely nothing wrong with trans identity. Thank you.

[@Danny-kk4nj]

​@LouLa-Rae Barnard Oh I thought that I put that in there but turns out I forgot, so as I said above I don't think you have to say on the first date or so before you know if you're interested in someone, loads of first dates don't even go anywhere so you could be unnecessarily outing yourself and putting yourself in danger. There's also "chasers" who are after us purely because we're trans, but I think the right thing to do is to say before you're intimate, for me that would include kissing too. I think that people's boundaries should be respected even if they have them for the wrong reasons, and I am also not even remotely interested in a transphobic person however I think they can recover from being in the presence of a trans person for a bit. I don't appreciate your tone though, I find it condescending and as if you're intentionally trying to insult me by making me feel like an outsider or an outcast who needs to beg to be loved but I do understand that text can come across very different to what people are trying to say.

[@kandigallagher1892]

I think we should only disclose when entering a relationship or before sleeping with someone not beforehand

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@Kandi-tg]

@Last Apparatus The problem with that is you may not get any date's, if your on a date & they like you they may not mind you being trans if you both really like one another

[@sallyb8360]

Yes but even though I pass pretty well I am so scared for my safety and mental state, what if the person clocks me?? Always having that in mind is very anxiety inducing

[@mastersaurkon]

Hi Dr Z! Thanks for your videos as always. I am MtF transgender who is just beginning to come out and plans on transitioning. I've been in a long-term relationship with my girlfriend for almost 3 years and she is very progressive and accepting but I am still scared to tell her, and it's really the last big hold up in me fully coming out and transitioning. Do you have any tips for coming out to a partner while already in a relationship, or would you maybe be able to make a video on this subject?

[@tinap8227]

I'm pretty positive there is already a video Dr Z has made on this topic if not more than one which are relevant. Take a look.

[@DRZPHD]

@mastersaukon There are at least 2 videos on this topic. One is about coming out and another is what to do when your partner doesn't support you. I also have few blogs written on this at www.drzphd.com. I wish you well

[@gwendolinegoetz9224]

This makes me think a conversion with my wife, when we invite our family to our silver wedding anniversary. She was betting who is transphobic or not ? The truth is that we are pretty false on many people. With the time, I tend to believe more and more that my "poor" passing is pretty positive as it is consistent with my overall body and personality.

[@DRZPHD]

Congratulations on silver wedding! Thats fantastic.

[@ldritch6633]

Dr. Z my dysphoria has been increasing because of covid and not being able to talk to my friends face to face do you have any advice on how to reduce my gender dysphoria?

[@DRZPHD]

Hi. Please see if you can find online support groups or online therapy supportz

[@chrisw7701]

Hello! This is completely off the subject, and I'm sorry, but have any of your clients described Gender Euphoria instead of Gender Dysphoria? I have only recently heard of this term, and find it highly relatable when presenting as female (I am AMAB). I have no hate or dislike for my gender, but am ecstatic and at peace when presenting as a woman. Is this uncommon? Thank you.

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and yes. I will do a video on this topic as well.

[@ryptoll4801]

I lean towards disclosure. I always tell before the first date. Probably mostly because I tend to like ending up having sex on the first date, which has also often happened. Especially with men, lol. That taught me the importance of being well prepared and making sure that the other person is well informed. I don't intend on ever getting bottom surgery, so I have to disclose before any kinda nudity happens. However, I do actually kinda like talking about all the various aspects of my transition, whether it's with a close friend or a new date. So I see it as a great opportunity to blabber on about myself for a moment. And most often people have reacted really well. I've never been insulted by a date who didn't wanna date a trans person. At worst they've gotten awkward. Being rejected because of that aspect of me doesn't hurt me any more than being rejected for any other of my aspects that are really important to me. It hurts, but I get over it. I would think it would hurt far more to be rejected after several months of bonding and being emotionally invested in the person. Whether it would result in violence or not.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I agree fully with your stance on disclosure. I also think we all have preferences, and it is less of seeing it as "rejection" and more as "someone is not into trans bodies" and that is oK. Thank you for sharing.

[@DiabolicalAngel]

This is a great and fair response.

[@andreaam805]

We should have be afforded the same privacy everybody else is.

[@DRZPHD]

Yes! A 100% agree with you.

[@lillypharaoh5945]

Privacy doesn't include tricking innocent people into sleeping with you or becoming yours That's not called privacy it's called rape

[@NANA-yd4zl]

I would definitely disclose on my profile or right away, but at the same time, I'm concerned about chasers stringing me along or catfishing. I prefer t4t because other trans people understand and won't usually act funny about me being trans.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and yes, there is a big concern for "chasers" as well.

[@captainorion8391]

I think it's a good time to Talk about Isimemen Etude

[@dam6732]

I personally live in a country with minimal violence, so the fear of being murdered doesn't feel that much relevant to me. It's more of a verbal abuse when it comes to encounters with transphobes. I am stealth in my everyday day - I think it's my private information that I am transgender and I don't want random people questioning my genitals, fetishizing me and so on, when it's none of their business - this includes people like colleagues, classmates and casual friends. However, I think that in romantic relationships it is important for the person to know about it, because it relates to our potential sexual life and the fact that I can't have biological children. When it comes to dating, I usually just start hanging out with the person as a friend. That way I get to know them and establish mutual trust before deciding whether we would be compatible as a couple. During our friendly conversations I try to find out whether our lifestyle expectations and values match each other. This includes whether they are supportive of LGBTQ people and what are their preferences for a partner. If they are supportive and possibly open to dating a transgender person, then I come out to them and the conversation whether we want to start dating takes place. I always disclose before they start to develop strong feelings towards me because I do not want to hurt them emotionally by keeping something that important to myself. Our first kiss / romantic date / sex / etc. strictly happens only after they know the truth and are okay with it. If the person has a preference for dating cis people, then nothing horrible happens and we can just stay friends. If the person appears straight up transphobic, then I just move on cause I don't need that in my life. For the record, I'm a passing trans man attracted to women and feminine non-binary people.

[@JK_JK_JK]

Catfishing: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

[@AvaFayIliza]

I think it's ok to go on a single date with someone and not disclose, but for me if the date went well, and the relationship was going to continue (i.e. go on second date, or become a couple, or maybe before a "goodnight kiss" if your a first date kisser), I think it's important to disclosed the *fact* of being trans. That doesn't mean one would have to disclose every intimate detail, but I feel the other person has a right to know with whom they are getting involved just as much as you do, *IF* the relationship was going further than that one date. Just my thoughts on it anyway.

[@DRZPHD]

Glad to hear you are deciding what's best for you when it comes to dating.

[@AvaFayIliza]

@Last Apparatus Time and money spent is NOT a justification for violence. Simply not disclosing that one is trans is NOT a deceit. If one was to lie and say they weren't trans when they were, then that would be deceit, but still not a justification for violence. No trans person has any responsibility to disclose the fact that they are trans before a first date, in the same way no one who is diabetic, has cancer, is autistic, is unable to have children, has depression, has anxiety, etc. has any responsibility to disclose those aspects of themself. A first date is to get to know someone on a surface level, not to understand every aspect of who they are. I'm not saying trans people shouldn't be cautious, but they are not required to disclose anything. Personally, if I felt I would be in danger if I disclosed to the person I'm on a date with that I am trans, I wouldn't tell them, but there also wouldn't be a second date, and as soon as I knew that about that person, the date would be over. *That being said,* While I think it's fine for someone to go on a first date without disclosure, I never said that's what I do (would do). It's highly unlikely someone asking me out wouldn't already know I'm trans, and I would likely tell them as soon as they asked me out. Just because *I* would disclose ahead of time doesn't mean anyone else is required to do so.

[@sypros5621]

Not disclosing is completely deceptive!

[@DRZPHD]

Thats a legit opinion to have.

[@Sisu_Kara]

My partner and i are coming up on our 25th anniversary. At first i told her i was somewhere in trans but did not know where (binary trans then eventually nonbinary trans). Given how well it went when i get asked how an egg should tell their spouse reccomend keeping them up with whatever information is out there. Like if something is not known say that so they will trust you are not hiding something but will let them in on things. Ammusingly my spouse and i found out we met earlier as i had visited her friend on a clothes shopping trip and she was around when i stoppeyd by.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@declan-kayodekeegan1598]

I was pleasantly surprised to find out from dating sites the amount of men who identify has straight but are attracted to trans women and not just as a fetish! For me, especially at this stage of my transition, I'm not too overly concerned as passing as female but I find that the best thing is to disclose ahead. The right person will find you.

[@DRZPHD]

I totally agree, in my view, disclosure from the start is best. Thanks for sharing.

[@sallyb8360]

Hi I wonder for intersex people if it is applicable too? I am not sure I'm intersex yet and I'm probably not, I'm trans but yes I wonder how people may react. And for people who have been told for example after 20 or discovered after 25 that they were intersex and were dating people when they discovered their intersex condition, do you think if you're anounce it you can be killed?

[@jameshollen9723]

Well, I guess I screwed up. I have had feelings of wanting to be a woman all my life. I am 75 now. This started around 13-15 years of age. Not steady. Sometimes not on my mind at all, sometimes always on my mind. 3 marriages later, I want very much to keep #3. How How do I tell her my feelings toward transgenderism? 99% sure I want no "bottom" surgery, just "top". (more breast)

[@DRZPHD]

Hi and thanks for sharing. Sometimes its all about sitting down and starting talking.

[@StephanieSomer]

When to disclose? After the offer of a date and before it's acceptance. In other words, if you're already out on the date and you haven't notified, you f'd up, and you're either dishonest or ashamed of what you are.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing your point of view.

[@captainorion8391]

Calling people transphobic after having sex with someone then finding out after they have sex is unfair if you're going to sleep with someone you have to disclose that information

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing your point of view. I always encourage self disclosure from the start.

[@hatsunemikussnzbmindcontro4444]

To day qwestion is ,...... am i a lesbian ,.. or not !? Stil have my 🕹 🎉🎊

[@hatsunemikussnzbmindcontro4444]

And what if i have a ,...🌮 🤧✌🏼🙏🏼

[@DRZPHD]

Hope you find clarity you seek.

[@hatsunemikussnzbmindcontro4444]

@@DRZPHD 🤔,... i dont know ,.. but its time for a 🍫💡🙏🏼

[@KK-oh2ot]

Sexuality is not limited to biological sex or genitals, it's the attraction to gender(s). If you are a woman who is attracted to women then you are a lesbian. Trans is a label and a descriptor. Your anatomy is part of your medical history, it does not define your sexuality.

[@5trezip23]

It doesn't make a person "transphobic" because they would not want to engage in a sexual relationship, I'd say even if a person became angry with a person they had been seeing for a while and deceived before finally being told, wouldn't nescasarry say makes them "transphobic" either. If the response is openly hateful directed at that, then yes. But it could just be the deception. Which is very viable. I don't see how it's all about their feelings though it seems, what about the other people who are involved? I know I'm not the only one noticing am noticing this trend towards selfishness and am alarmed by it. Of coarse I don't mean all Trans people.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing valid points. To clarify, I dont think everyone who has a response are transphobic, although I personally find it difficult not to be to some extend given our cultural relationship to trans people. I agree the person has a right to feel betrayed and hurt and their feelings are valid. I also dont think its all about trans people only, as in, I am trans and I have a right not to disclose. Disclosure is personal. Having said that, I do land on the side of disclosing from the start as I am all for full transparency.

[@5trezip23]

@@DRZPHD yeah, it all comes down to treating people with amount of respect you want to be treated with. We also have to realize just "the same respect" doesn't always describe every situation, because the differences in what is held most important to be respectful changes with people. But the intention of respect doesn't so much. Also though it is not so much a reason for me, many of these people will have what seem like just plain trans or homophobia to you and may in simple ways is. But when you realize that these things have been implanted in these folks from a very young age via religion through culture and family. And are scared from a young age with the idea of hell for people for anyone who engages (or in more extreme ever has urges) in these type of lifestyles and behaviors. And no surprise false accusations (often more to do with the occuser than anything) fly rampad and people will often do a lot to stop even seeds of suspision in the minds of loved ones. So, sometimes if one looks deeper at times some folks "slightly rude" not worse ones, but could sometimes even come weirdly from a place of concern in a way. If they truly believe youre dooming yourself to hell caring thing to do would be to sway one away. Could help people in how to meet some people halfway and why it may be worthwhile. Personally I think its not very smart to think it's not my job to inform or educate anyone... But this is a new(ish) at least in the context of the times, and they are expecting quite a bit of not only understand, but for many changing what they are already to believed to know. That's a lot. So if their attitude is not my job, then don't be surprised or so let down if people ACCIDENTLY missgender them and generally say things or act a certain way out of sheer ignorance, if you don't wanna teach them. You know. One last thing I really think Is big for this issue and countless others: I really don't think parents/institutions should teach Hell as they have. It is kinda abuse to the child prone to overthinking or just analytical. Plus it stokes extreme thoughts and behaviors as you in sure know. Plus isn't the real idea to teach kids to be good because they want people to be good to them and it's the right thing to do? Not because there is an inascapable all seeing punishment? I mean come on people. Sorry so long and pretty rant ish lol. Just thought I wanted to get some stuff across to you, as you seem very open to ideas which I must say isn't very common period these days. Take care.

[@americasariesson1862]

I don’t date anymore but my personality is they of a direct speaker - I call a spade a spade. The tone for society is set by psychopaths - always has been always will be - in my view we haven’t evolved from the Roman days ...always be up front transparent in such arenas - I haven’t disclosed at work because I am a trucker and all of my interactions are surface and easy. If I did choose to try and date I would always be up front - why put off the truth and why get someone’s hopes up or your own or waste time energy money. Be an adult and do what’s difficult - the good ones will respond to that and they will be most likely share your reverence for honesty and transparency.

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing.

[@bobbyikponmwoba]

Before any kiss or sex trans should definitely disclose cuz it's gay to be with a trans woman

[@DRZPHD]

Thanks for sharing your point of view.

[@sallyb8360]

It's not gay to be with a trans woman? Wtf 😭 but yes I agree we should disclose before intimacy. But the question I'm wondering personnally is more should we disclose after the first date or before the first date (if there is still one)

[@sallyb8360]

How is it gay? Especially if the person has had a sex change. Just see jaslene white rose, Kim Petras, Veondre Mitchell, Jazz Jennings, Emma Ellingssen, Indya Moore, or Thiessita for example. Do you really think gay people are attracted to women.

[@itsurguy7756]

@@sallyb8360 you are choosing to be a homosexual if you are choosing to be with the same sex. So, stop trying to make it same as though you are not. Your comment makes me believe that you will make a huge mistake one day so, reveal who you are to someone of same sex before relationship or intimacy and stay safe. You should think critically. You don't have to reply. This is good advice.