How to DEFEND Yourself without Being a DOORMAT

[@TheWizardOfWords]

If you liked this video and want to support this channel, please consider pressing the "join" button--right here www.youtube.com/@TheWizardOfWords

[@noveleden]

I'm a new employee. Customers respond very positively with me, while the team has a very adversarial perspective toward difficult customers. We get these gift cards for good customer reviews, and I get a lot of these gift cards. So it has felt like a more toxic environment than my first couple of weeks due to my performance. The store was rated only 3.3 stars due to a rude staff before I arrived. And within my first month I got recognition from all 27 stores the family owns due to my performance. And my team has not responded positively to this at all. Instead, they make snide remarks and rude jokes, and accuse me of wanting the spotlight. And I am literally just being myself.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Too often jealousy comes with success. It's too bad that your team is competitive, rather than watching you and emulating what you do. Where is management while this is going on?

[@noveleden]

@@TheWizardOfWords The overall store management is very good, and very supportive. They use me as an example for new employees. It is certain department supervisors who are supportive, others who are haters.

[@rs5570]

You are doing some awfully good things to have sad, vile & very jealous so jealous of you. If you were my child Zi would be so proud of you my head would explod from here to Pluto. I wish I could have you as a friend. Never change to stoop to their pitiful level. I wish you every wonderful thing you could ever want in this often very hard world. Would a fine gem you are. Without knowing you know I do love you & have your back. Love, Brontë ❤️🍀

[@noveleden]

@@rs5570 Thank you so much. I deeply appreciate it.

[@neetsy]

​@@TheWizardOfWords perfect E-V-A reply! I love that you practice what you preach 👏👏👏

[@stummkind]

I love how you always focus on being the better person and not letting other people make us bitter and dictate who we are. "To remind ourselves who we are when the whole world is trying to get us to forget it." Damn that hit deep.

[@julienorris79]

I had to have a meeting today with a really aggressive coworker, along with HR, and the company owner. Thanks to your videos, I got through the meeting with confidence, dignity, and composure. I accomplished everything I set out to. So, thank you. I will be packing suitcases for summer vacation next month intead of a cardboard box today! 🙌

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I am grateful that you'd share this experience, Julie--and happy to have helped.

[@ENFPerspectives]

Express, Validate, Ask. A coworker asked/stated, "Have you always been a goody-two shoes?" 😳🤣. It was meant negatively. I didn't express my surprise, validate their opinion, or ask why they thought thus. All great tips! I simply responded, Yes... 😁 Thank you for all of these helpful ways of communication

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You're very welcome, ENF :)

[@mtc-j9i]

Every situation can serve me or it wouldn’t be brought to me?????? This is a life changing attitude.

[@mtc-j9i]

Hahahahahah 😂😂😂😂 the everything but me bit (sarcasm) was hilarious. Yes. I will definitely remember this.

[@KnickerbockerGlory-l8z]

You're a blessing to this world.

[@selfesteem3447]

Years ago in the 80s, I realized and learned this important lesson. I'm "never going to let anyone change who I am" no matter how shty they may be - I'm not going to become them. And the other I have lived by is "if I don't like them why would I want to be like them".

[@Hijabibti925]

That last bit about the dead horse is exactly what I needed to hear🎉thanks so much!

[@lorraine5494]

Keep talking, Dan. Subscribed a few weeks ago, and I must say your guidance is getting me through some dark times, helping me shine a light and "transform the battlefield." Thank you.

[@brandyejordan8878]

For me by far, this video has been one of the very best I have been able to applied to myself in a long time. Thanks a million Dan!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Glad it was helpful!

[@lhs1221]

Oh this is too good. You give us a deeper understanding of form and substance and who we are. This is golden. ❤

[@rayannsisneros3215]

I needed to hear that (to remember who I am. All of a sudden, in my mind, words that describe who I am began to surface. I am a leader in hospitality. I've learned about communication before. I can understand your teaching style. You keep on posting. I appreciate you and the content you deliver.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I will keep on posting, and I invite you to visit my website and check the materials there. You are seeing the movie trailers, and I hope they're good ones. But if you want to see the full movie, go to www.danoconnortraining.com/store

[@jaywellington6504]

There has never been a more exemplary communicator, educator and advisor. Commendable.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Jay, I thank you for those kind words, and will work to deserve them.

[@s.v.662]

I always love your content that helps me communicate better. What a gift Dan❤ thanks so much 🥰

[@lynking4141]

You bring SO MUCH VALUE!! Thank you!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You are so welcome!

[@serenahilton1428]

Dan, you have a Blackbelt and are an absolute Master of Communication! I'm always in awe of your intelligent, skillful responses and appreciate your videos 💞

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Well, my brother is the blackbelt (he actually is--Tae Kwon Do), however I graciously accept your compliment!

[@faltaf1399]

You’re a life saver… just what I needed

[@bbjudyfit]

How did u know i needed this video😅 i feel attacked

[@puneetasadani8923]

Great advice. It’s just disgusting. All the human beings in the workplace who are threatened by good hard working people. Draining.

[@ThingsILike12]

Express. Validate. Ask. I love your content so much. I left the workforce 25 years ago due to adversarial work environments. Your content is so helpful as I seek to return. Thank you!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Happy to help, TIL.

[@vickigonya9432]

Love how verbally concise you are❤😂

[@cristinaevans139]

I’m a 54 year old female from Australia,I find I have a confrontation with someone and just end up going…I wish I said that etc,etc…it drives me crazy so I’m trying very hard to learn through your channel thank you and I appreciate you .still making lots of mistakes but I’m not giving up I’m going to keep watching to improve my connections to others😊I don’t work outside the home as I look after a loved one in a wheelchair full time ,we have some workers to help and I find they are taking abut an hour break from a 4 hour shift…it’s me who picks up the slack the government pays me$550 Australian per week and I own the home,hourly workers receiving $50 per hour😢

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Cristina, We ALL try to keep improving every day. My goal is to be better and more mindful today than I was yesterday. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. But I never quit. As my grandfather used to say: "Keep getting up; that in and of itself is success."

[@cristinaevans139]

Workers are being paid at least $50 per hour …you do the math ,I just have to get help that actually wants to work….I’m so worried,so thanks for the channel please can I get some content that may more depict my situation and how I can improve 🎉

[@TheWizardOfWords]

If you want a deep dive into my training, I would recommend Step Out of the Shadows and Speak. You can read about it at danoconnortraining.com and if you want that course, write Jean at [e-mail] and ask her for the link to that program alone. At $699, it give you a lifetime of training.

[@L_MD_]

@@cristinaevans139 do these workers work for an agency / support provider? Call them and bring this up to them. If you’re plan managed (assuming it’s through NDIS) change support providers. I get it if you’re NDIA managed - no choice and control there.

[@shellshock000]

Exactly, Awesome. There is a real flow that is recognizable, positive & free of anxiety when I own who I am and speak catered to the other person's understanding. Like I'm yellow -other is blue and to communicate , try to meet in the green zone though neither is fluent in green. I find I'm understood better and give and get what's needed without feeling taken advantage of, resentful or disrespected. It's new and I'm working it.!👍🏻😎💥🌟

[@sharonloves]

Just love you. Whenever I need a communication tip, you are my pro. Thank you👏👏👏😘🇵🇷

[@susanwoodcarver]

You are a genius! Plain and simple.❤

[@XX-yr1ii]

GREAT msg today! I love all your videos very helpful! Cheers! lol

[@ord2mia]

Omg such great material. I’m afraid ill never be able to remember much less train myself to be so quickly effective and eloquent

[@michellej.1111]

Getting told to "calm down" or "take it easy" when there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I was told this yesterday.. I handled it by telling him perhaps he needs to be saying this to himself.. does he need to calm down? He played it off that his therapist suggests he needs to (which I know was a jab at me bc everyone know i see a therapist and im pretty he does not.. ) So I told him that's very brave for him to admit, not many people do! And walked away. But I had one of those moments that I wish I had better tools for those situations. This happens a lot. And I know they are just trying to get a reaction from me bc I used to be a reactionary person and they are testing me... which I am thankful for... but I need to make them stop.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Actually, I thought you handled that quite well, Michelle. You didn't react to his crack about the therapist and I think that is HUGE. And to tell him his acknowledgment of a therapist was brave--GENIUS. You took him seriously and walked away. Perfect.

[@michellej.1111]

@@TheWizardOfWords wow thank you! Your videos have helped me a lot. Please keep them coming! 🙏

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Absolutely, Michelle.

[@13LesTadO13]

Thanks for the content and useful information.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

My pleasure!

[@Kirbysfantotheend]

I want to thank you so much for your wise way of looking at things and finding constructive ways to handle tough communicational situations. You truly are elevating the global discourse and helping many people find their way in hostile environments. All the best for you, may God bless you! 🙏

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks, Kirbysfan.

[@usedscar]

I believe your correct the solution exists in nature and ourselves. I found this just before my next shift w the narc disruptor. She is going down not me!

[@rachellewis907]

Solidarity Gold! Thank you for flicking me this way, just fabulous 🙏

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Rachel, I hope you consider becoming a channel member :)

[@babu357]

Love this. I've been working on this myself. But honestly, I ask why first. Very calmly and politely. I'm just being curious and asking over more information. Because if I assume something that was not her intention it could make the situation worse. So to me I'd rather make her be clear about what her problem is. Then I can address that in the way you describe. Sometimes they might have a point but just not saying it in an assertive way and sometimes they are not gutsy enough to actually say the thing they are insinuating so they back down.

[@WorkingProgress17]

I just stumbled upon one of your videos and I really appreciate everything you have to say in your videos. It is very helpful and concise.

[@annipaulekas2349]

Love this. Love Love Love Love

[@samantha200]

Love all of your videos!!!!

[@wittjablonski2699]

Dan, I wanna point out a few things I have seen in this video that I think are brilliant. One, you didn’t make me wait for a long time AT ALL to understand the topic and point of this video. In the beginning right away you led off with the Eva and what it means and gave great concrete examples. Two, you were really articulate and detailed with chapters or bookmarks for the video, which is incredibly helpful! It probably takes a lot more work on your end, thank you…! It’s taken the video up a whole new level of great! And the rest of the video where you’re teaching on your philosophies, I love that too. And I love that I don’t have to wait till the end of the video to get the information like some creators do to make sure they get their video fully watched to affect their view count! Thanks for putting in all the hard work that you put in to these videos and your content! I can tell it’s growing and evolving and you care more than just money, you really value this work! Also, I see so many videos on conflict resolution type of topics for work, which I love, because you can easily relate it to relationships too! But do you do videos on relationships? There are some different principles and boundaries that change I think when dealing with a loved one vs a co-worker. Although the modalities could be the same, the boundaries and end-goal could be very different. Ideas like phrases to help with a partners anxiety, or phrases to effectively stop a toxic fight with a loved one, or even a script or modality type process for expressing emotions or figuring out your own wants and needs and boundaries. I know NVC has some really good tips, cup of empathy on YT here has some excellent content on this… but itd be nice to also hear more from other experts too (like yourself) that maybe use different techniques or methods or mix things together. Even a video on where someone can find different communication resources would be super helpful too. Something to think about.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Thank you for a thoughtful email and for recognizing the time editing takes. As for hearing from other experts, my best advice would be Google, Witt. There are many people out there. I'd try to seek ones that give words and power phrases, because in my opinion theory is a waste of time and energy in this field.

[@wittjablonski2699]

@@TheWizardOfWords Anyone you recommend? Or mentors you have that are worth mentioning?

[@vickigonya9432]

Working in an office environment, as part of a committee----- HELL ON EARTH.

[@der_melicious]

You know you are really amazing. You comment reply to just about every post. I actually told my boss to go check out your account. He reminds me of you a lot. ❤

[@TheWizardOfWords]

WHAT? THERE IS ANOTHER ME OUT THERE? Hey, Sparkie Spark, why have you and your boss not become members of my channel? Please check it out--it's one step beyond subscribing. kzbin.info/door/5Zb02pmVD2VA7lnx8mV4gwjoin

[@randomactsofchaos5029]

Truth is substance. Remember the truth. Truth is Truth and nothing negates Truth. POWER IS IN TRUTH!

[@gingerrcat]

The bad guy is always Trixie hehe, great video Ty!

[@cigdemylmaz1532]

Your videos are amazing.. This one in particular, helps me see things in a new light. Thank you very much !

[@naturally_dreaa9051]

Thank you so much for this video , I definitely will try this out👏🏽💕

[@patriciainportland5567]

"But me..." Wow... I need to think about that. I may have been self sabotaging.

[@Jaaaaaffff]

Wow, Dan! That was great!

[@kierstenh9225]

Loved it ten million stars!

[@UD-fv6xu]

LOL I thing you're a genius! "And people come to attack me, and vax me, and I'm doomed..." Love it!

[@audreysmith6515]

Awesome

[@sovereign.spirit]

Thank you ✨

[@seraphxangel9353]

There was this adult woman that was being so immature. I would talk with others and she would demand attention by mocking me and her little guns were giggling with her but it was so childish i could not understand how they thought they were even funny. I asked what her problem was and she would say “oh nothing” then continue mocking and copying me. I try to ignore her but i don’t understand what her deal is. I’ll be like “hey joe how’s it going, seen that new movie out” and she’s be like oh yeah I totally seen that movie. She’ll overinsert herself for attention and embarrass herself yet no one else sees it as embarrassing but funny? But it’s annoying for me because she only does it to me and idk what her deal is

[@camellia8625]

Weird woman

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Go to her privately and ask what her deal is, using specific examples. Don't generalize or she'll simply deny. You might be surprised, when you speak with her privately.

[@seraphxangel9353]

Honestly @camellia

[@seraphxangel9353]

@@TheWizardOfWords I’ll try that next time I see her thank you. I’ll be specific cause otherwise she just jokes and mocks 🙄 very obnoxious

[@L_MD_]

Completely off topic but your skin looks amazing behind that blue background! ❤ haha xx

[@scholarshipforafghans8541]

Hey Mr. Dan. Thanks a million for your videos and your dedication, I could bring improvement to myself. The only thing I am struggling with is the narcissistic co workers in a bit higher level than me and the cold and misogynistic behavior they show me and not being cooperative in the inter related departments work with all the back bites about me in the workplace. Is there any tips you could help me with?

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Sure, go to my YT channel and you'll find plenty of tips about gossip and backbiting.

[@dudette2c]

Were you listening to my Zoom meeting at work this week? 😂

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Perhaps in a way I was :)

[@dudette2c]

@The Wizard of Words I'm a first-generation college graduate and professional. And have little to no guidance. Your advice means the world.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Write Jean at [e-mail] and ask for a deal on my VIP learning pack. :)

[@annipaulekas2349]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

[@dawnf2z1]

Thanks

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Many thanks, Dawn :)

[@puffsleeveskindagirl]

Amazing succint & efficient advice.

[@anaflores2389]

👏👏👏

[@GoseiSentaiDairanger]

too good

[@CynthiaLouwho]

Awesome❤

[@fabienneisore7831]

Between dormat and principles is the difference between employment and constructive dismissal. Law of proportional opposition: the more you resist the more you will be crushed. The more you are concilliatory, the more you are labelled having a "pattern" of behaviour..... Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You aren't resisting. You are creating boundaries. You aren't reacting. You are responding. There is no proportional opposition in this scenario, but there is protection via boundaries. Always spotlighting and boundaries. Proportional opposition would be the domain of Trump, from the communication I've seen coming from him--or should I say DISproportional opposition. Resisting and crushing and revenge. Being conciliatory is not the answer, nor is "resisting." Establish you own boundaries and live your own life with purpose and kindness and you won't be quite so apt to react to the negativity around you. Would you agree with that, Fabienneisore?

[@jcdunne]

Perfection!

[@KimRope]

Omg when did your username change?? I’m L-O-V-I-N-G it!!!!

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Several weeks ago, Kimberly.

[@JudgeJulieLit]

Actually per the Law of Diminishing Returns of responsivity to any given repeated constant, undifferentiated stimulus, the experiences a repeater will have tomorrow ("and tomorrow, and tomorrow") will be not "the same," but ever less to worse: from pleasure to pain or numbness and ennui.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

JudgeJulie, we are not talking about "responsivity to any given repeated constant, undifferentiated stimulus." We are not talking about economics at all. We're talking about communication, and you can't simply cross-reference principles from one discipline to another and expect them to make sense. Communication is much more art than science. Having said that, if you continue to act today as you did yesterday, you will get the same results as you did yesterday. If you want different results, change your behavior. That is "The Law of Constancy in Behavioral Science," if you want to look at communication from a scientific perspective--which is dicey at best. BTW, how did you like that "The Law of Constancy" business? I made it up--and like everything we read--it needs to be evaluated, right, because essentially--somebody made it up :)

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

We all make mistakes, no question.

[@sanjnarazdan6900]

There is a coworker who asked me for a training and I told her I am not correct person to give the training she asked for. That coworker immediately said it’s okay if u feel uncomfortable to give training then you may not give. I am curious to know what should be the response for such coworker.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

I would respond: "Suzyq, it is not that I am uncomfortable training you. I am simply not the correct person. The correct person would be _________." And if she persisted, I would use the broken record and repeat precisely what I said in the first place.

[@sanjnarazdan6900]

This makes sense. Appreciate your response.

[@kirnelson4823]

Dan..YOU are simply AMAZING! I hope to someday be able to express myself the way you do.. You just really get to the meat 🥩 and it’s juicy with so much flavor and texture! I’ve never seen someone with so much integrity and so dignified and eloquent..and the most beautiful eyelashes I’ve ever seen 😂

[@TheWizardOfWords]

haha, I'll humbly accept your compliments, but there is a lab somewhere that must take credit for the eyelashes. My mother would like to, but she was short-changed in that department and did nothing about it. I, on the other hand--did something about it. But please don't tell.

[@kirnelson4823]

@@TheWizardOfWords 😹😹😹

[@melissa11.11]

❤

[@pagmatic]

Hello Dan. I get a lot out of your lessons. I've been using those three power statements with positive results. However, for the first time, I was told I'm being defensive and not be a jerk about it. He continued to break me down; saying some BS accusations. When does the line cross between addressing an issue and not sounding defensive? I kinda think he was manipulating me while being a gaslighter.

[@pagmatic]

I watched this video, again for reassurance. I now feel more second guessing for daring to speak up to that person. I forgot to mention in my previous response that he summed it up with "it is what it is". I'm speaking on behalf of others who've dealt with trauma in the past. Does that make sense?

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Come to the live show next Tuesday at 7:00 pm Chicago time, and if you've pressed the "join" button and become a member, I'd be happy to visit with you about this issue, Mike.

[@pagmatic]

@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you., Dan

[@rettpanda6203]

I'm just assuming.....I have a bully boss

[@Ninastarr]

Well,after hearing these examples..it's becoming all too clear to me that I need to change jobs lol

[@jameswalker5874]

what do you do if you coworkers are looking and laughing at you, but aren't saying anything.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

What is the context?

[@jameswalker5874]

I work in open office, if I go sit down I can here giggles in and around me. I I walk around the office and make eye contact with the certain coworkers I catch them staring learning and laughing. Thus happen at least 6-7 times while im working. if I didn't ignore, it could be more.@@TheWizardOfWords

[@beautifful9514]

❤️🙏🏽🙌🏾

[@SneakySteevy]

2:12 believe I am? Strange use the word « believe ».

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

TRIXIE

[@vickigonya9432]

Ok, I am a creative, skilled, intelligent person. I am here to become proficient in my career, personal life and home. I want to finish my remodel, and live in peace at home with my dogs.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Hahaha, I'm with you, Vicki :)

[@glowballpiece]

The video title was intriguing... However the content focused too much of the video clip's time, towards this presenter's other works. There was one technique covered here, and although it's useful, it only applies to when there's a direct in person attack. Most defamation and slanderous attacks happen behind one's back. If the majority were directly to someone's face in person... then there's many responses most people would feel comfortable trying. The thought that kept coming up, as I was watching this is that not everyone watching this video is struggling with an identity crisis, and that that's the basis of them needing to develop better skills to redirect personal and professional attacks. Some people are just too nice, or haven't had practice defending themselves previously. These improved skills may be suddenly needed because a person has entered a new work environment, or been promoted into a more like lime-light position where they are more visible, vulnerable, available, or attractive to the attacks of others. Sometimes a person finds themselves in a position of power within an organization. Especially if that power wasn't anticipated, and just came with a new position... They may lack the practice of the exact skills that would help them when maliciously attacked by vindictive, jealous, selfish, or even criminal colleagues or subordinates. I thought this short video, would focus on this, based on the title.

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Hi @glowballpiece! 👋 I totally agree-most criticism happens behind our backs, making it tricky to respond. That’s exactly why I have a flexible policy about not responding, and here’s why: 1. If the criticism wasn’t meant for my ears, the only way I’d know is if someone brought it to me. And when they do, it’s usually less about what was said and more about why they chose to share it with me (I have a feeling we’re on the same page there). 2. I haven’t yet mastered responding to things when I’m not physically present-though my grandmother seems to be improving in that department. As a resident of the mortal plane, I still struggle. If you have any tips on responding to things in absentia, I’m all ears! Now, as for the identity crisis part, I see where you’re coming from, but I have a slightly different take. I believe if we feel compelled to defend against attacks, especially those in the past, it means we’re wrestling with something within ourselves. Why defend something unless we feel it’s vulnerable, right? For example, if someone attacked my relationship with my mom, claiming we didn’t love each other, I wouldn’t feel the need to respond. I’d just assume they’re mistaken, misinformed, or possibly both-no threat to me there. Or if someone said I wasn’t a good boyfriend, I’d probably just laugh and assume they’ve got me mixed up with someone else. The thought of setting the record straight? Haha, I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone! That said, I really appreciate your thoughtful feedback and the time you took to share it. If you’re interested, I’d love to dive deeper into these ideas in one of our classes-sounds like we’d have a great discussion. Thanks for watching, and I hope to see you here again!

[@lynnsintention5722]

I love your advice but doesn't it make you a bit sad that we all need to "manage" other peoples BS in this way...Life is a total fight at all levels unfortunately

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Yes, if everyone were mindful, we wouldn't have to worry about boundaries on any level--including that national level.

[@leaveittothediva]

How do you deal with a ranting banshee who won't listening?

[@TheWizardOfWords]

You tell her "I am walking away now. I'll be happy to continue this conversation when you have yourself under control."

[@leaveittothediva]

@TheWizardOfWords Yep did that, and now I'm going no contact. Thanks.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

How bout keep your trap shut --let them do ALLLL of the talking...listen..🎉 how bout that 🎉

[@rnopes21]

Who doesn't like attoning? A narc. Lol.

[@rs5570]

Pure gold, layered in platinum. The tears I have shed all my life, since young childhood, with parents who wouldn’t lift a finger to help me with the horrific pain this causes, - well, you are taking some of those years of misery away. I hope you haven’t become so busy & successful that this would fail to touch you. Love, Brontë ❤️🥲

[@TheWizardOfWords]

Both your emails touched me and I'll never be too busy to read what people write. I know there is a great deal of pain in the world. If I can do anything to help, why would I NOT DO SO??