How to Feel Less Socially Confused

[@PatchworkDragon]

I'm a slow processor with alexithymia, so I often don't even know how I feel about something (or why) until later. I've started saying, "I'm going to have to think on that one for a bit" when I need to. It lets the other person know that I'm taking it seriously, but it allows me time to process and bring it up again later.

[@jessicaparedes7139]

Here's mine. If you are with a big group like a holiday with family or something and they know at least a little bit about your sensory issues, regardless of if they know you are autistic or not, telling someone "hey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Is there somewhere quiet I can go by myself to regoup and de-stress?" Feeling confident enough to ask for this would be a game changer for me.

[@hollyputnat]

One thing for meetings for when I forgot paper and/or a pen: I started a very subtle habit. If I have a question or point to make I'll keep my hands under the table. Then when I think of something to contribute I point a finger out and grab it with my opposite hand. That reminds me at the end of the meeting when the floor is open I have something to say instead of regretting forgetting a thought. If I have more than one thought, that's how many fingers I'll end up holding by the end. I may have to take a beat to remember what each finger was for but so far it has always worked. Luckily I haven't used all my fingers yet!

[@lisabmpls]

Great tips!!! Re #1: For friends and close family I’m trying to train myself to say do you need to vent or want me to give my thoughts. I’m hoping to get it down to ‘vent or thoughts’ for our shorthand. So far it’s helped me and my sister have better conversations when one of us is cranky.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Very helpful! Thanks for sharing

[@EraOfSarah]

Mine is "heard, helped, hugged" (but sometimes just the first two). Are you wanting to be heard or are you wanting me to help? (Or do they need a hug) The alliteration helps me lol.

[@lexib671]

​@@EraOfSarahgreat tip, thanks. I'm going to use the alliteration to remember too 😊

[@christianemichelberger8245]

I would encourage everybody to kindly ask for what you need. Yesterday, I came back from holidays in Barcelona where I had met a friend and lived in their family for a few days. While visiting an architectural treasure with lots of visual and auditory input, I came close to a shutdown. I told him that it was getting too much for me and my brain was crashing, though I hadn't talked to him about my autism ever. He took me by the hand and led me outside, asked me what I needed (sit in the car in the parking garage and be quiet) and felt so happy that he could help me in this critical situation. I started to share my difficulties more often, mostly without mentioning the name "autism", because it let's people's thinking go to Rainman. Everybody felt honored that I shared such an intimate detail with me and was willing to help. I didn't try it at work though.

[@the.jamie.turner]

Great recommendations! One thing on clarifying expectations - my experience has been (especially in settings where hierarchy matters) that allistics will often interpret clarifying questions as challenging the request. I’ve found it helpful to preface those questions with statements like “I want to make sure I’m giving you the right information” or “I want to make sure I’m as helpful as I can be here” can help with reception. Basically blending #2 with #5.

[@pikmin4743]

omg, "I can't hear you the lights are too bright" I love that, I need the shirt these are great tips. thank you, Taylor!

[@Bloomindetroitfarm]

I’ve found with unmasking that before I would pretend to know what was going on in a conversation or laugh or not ask questions because I didn’t want others to think differently of me. But now I’m learning to catch myself in those moments where I feel lost and to ask for clarification.

[@FormerFraggle]

Literally same! For years I would awkwardly laugh when I didn’t understand something someone said! I have since learned how to spot that in the moment and ask questions.

[@kensears5099]

#8 SO important. I'm learning to do this with so much more confidence now. People don't expect it. It takes them by surprise. So you're shy and insecure about doing it, afraid they'll think it's weird. But once you get used to doing it, very matter-of-factly and transparently, and don't radiate insecurity in doing it ("Hey, let's step away from all this noise so I can really hear you the way I need to"), you realize it can actually impress people in a very positive way.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely! It's a great way to improve the conversation and show your intention behind understanding the other person and creating a deeper connection.

[@Awakenedkarolina]

Your bonus tip of making notes while others are speaking was the best for me. I always interrupt because I will forget my point.

[@leslovesliberty1776]

Same! 😊

[@IncurablyCreative]

I just wanted to say that I feel seen. Thank you Some context -as someone in their 50’s who’s been nudged by their counsellor into gradually realising they’re autistic (and is on a long wait list with the nhs. But at least they finally let me on the list 😂) your content is really helpful to me. As are the community’s comments. I’m having to…reframe my memories (what there are of them) and adjust almost all of my coping mechanisms, most of which I realise have been why I ended up with a bunch of chronic illnesses. It’s a lot. Your channel helps. Thank you

[@log7819]

“You don’t have to stay in an uncomfortable situation just because you feel that’s what is being required of you.” Good advice. Not something to say verbatim when the person gets into the situation. Can you suggest some good exit strategies?

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I have to go now. I need to step out for a minute. I need to go to the bathroom. (Even if you don't need to "go" you still "need" to go to the bathroom because you need a safe place to decompress).

[@lisa_wistfulone7957]

⁠@@MomontheSpectrum I’m so glad you clarified the “need” for the bathroom trip. I’ve used this exit strategy my whole life (very late diagnosed), and it was important to my sense of honesty to recognize that it was a Real need, just not the “need” people likely assumed.

[@moonbread2334]

An example where asking for more time would've been so helpful: I was at a protest the other day and a journalist approached me and asked me a really thoughtful question about my t-shirt and sign. But I was already sooooo overstimulated by the environment (my head was spinning, I could barely stand up or think straight, etc) so I just said to him with a shaky voice "I'm sorry, I'd prefer not to be interviewed," and he looked kinda disappointed.... I was KICKING myself afterwards, because I KNOW I have some THOUGHTS on the question he asked! I decided if that ever happens again, I'll say "I'm not feeling super articulate today, but I'm more than happy to send you a written quote tonight if you want to exchange emails"

[@samaelletaincell6382]

I have one: the "cactus" code, I've instored with a few friends. Meaning: yeah somethings is not right, but right now I am not able to/don't want to/don't have the space to/am totally to lost to talk about it. So drop the subjects please. I'll explain later on, when I can talk about it. It sets directly the situations: yes the person is not okay. But no we are not going to talk about it. And no we really just drop de subjects and talk about/do something else. Idea is of course to not follow up with 10x questions about how we can make them feel better, but just really drop de subject. The only exeption is that we sometimes ask if the other needs a hug. My answer being always: ask again in 10min, no I can't handle one.

[@thegirlwhogotwellwithsickn8255]

I have said " I can't hear you it's too bright in here" before !!❤😂

[@elizabethfree5294]

Having had my motives misunderstood more often than not growing up, I felt an intense, overriding desire to be understood and always defend myself. My most effective strategy has been to concentrate on listening first and understanding them.. focusing on a keyword they use and repeating it back... (ex., 'You're just playing games." Me "playing games?" They elaborate, and I repeat another keyword again as a question... Listening takes the "air" out of their anger. Then when they're done and I have a more concrete version of what they mean, I say, "I see things differently. Would you let me shew on that overnight and share my perspective in the morning? It sounds painfully manufactured, but once the angry person feels heard rather than opposed, they calm waaaaay down. They'll be actually lifted up by feeling heard, and be more likely to listen to my perspective rather than assuming it's merely a defensive rebuttal. It also keeps me from jumping to conclusions when I'm feeling cornered or threatened. This is, of course, coming from someone who's been in recovery from late diagnosed AuDHD and a lifetime supply of CPTSD. It took me a long time to get here.

[@josephmartin1540]

Used one of 6 notepads [not as many out right now] to comment here! Asking these types of questions is VERY like we are taking the N.T. through their initial counseling interview... hmmm! This is a VERY GREAT series. Watching out of order but Binge Focus Engaged!

[@wholiddleolme476]

I like #13: Avoid conversation altogether. That's my favorite.😉

[@thattitus2life]

Me in school as a kid. (now at work) doodling whilst the teacher/person speaks... Them... always angry. You're NOT paying attention. Oh but I am.... Them... Stop doodling right NOW!!! ughhhh

[@madamenordica]

You know, a lot of these tips as you were saying them I realized these are things I've learned in my 58 years of life, but......some of them I needed to hear someone give me permission to keep so thanks!

[@fabiatrump8734]

I live alone and the work I do pretty much allows me to pick the topic of conversation if I even need to speak to someone just to pass time. Rarely do I go somewhere that I’ll be expected to engage in conversation but when I do, it’s usually with people that already know my boundaries. During Covid when I lived with my parents (for the sake of my mental health), I would frequently end conversations with my dad simply by saying, “I’m done with this conversation”, esp if he wasn’t understanding what I was saying or if he was insisting that my point of view/opinion/thoughts on a subject or topic were “wrong”. In those cases I’d say to him, “just because my point of view is not what you believe is correct, it does not mean I am wrong, it just means I have a different opinion. I am done with this conversation.” Then I’d walk away. In the time since then, my mom and I have picked up the shorthand phrase of simply saying, “next topic.” This indicates we will no longer engage in conversation with my dad if he insists on that topic of conversation. It frustrates him but he usually drops it.

[@donnamaniscalco]

Thanks for the tips. The biggest one for me is “ asking for help when you need it”. I like the idea also about taking notes and that puts things on my mind into “solid form “ and I stress less about it.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes to putting things into solid form! Frees up space in my brain.

[@NelielSugiura]

My biggest thing I am being more active with, though mostly due to the ADHD side of things, but surely applies to both, is to clearly ask if instructions will be written down by them (or they have it already as part of whatever they are reading out) or if I should be doing that. Especially when talking to a doctor/nurse and they are going over a medication for a new thing or something I need to change in how I have been doing something. If they will not be giving me the list after, I will stop them and start taking notes... if they are, I will just try to keep a high-level idea of what is going on in my head and review the step-by-step later. Otherwise, I will make sure I am doing that note-taking right then and double-check with them that everything is correct. Might just be a good idea for everything that has this level of importance. Especially as it also lets us get that immediate clarification and assurance that we understood everything. Work, school, medical, parenting, etc.

[@NidusFormicarum]

5. What happens is usually that I have something that I desperately need to talk about and I am constantly seeking for a glitch were I can sneak in the conversation to that subject. During this, I have lots of anxiety and pay limited attention to what people say and what is going on around me.

[@LiftPizzas]

In this situation I've literally raised my hand and awaited the "yeah what is it" or the "Ok I see you raising your hand and you're next when it's appropriate" gesture, and on top of being effective and not taken as rude, it's actually pretty funny. (But then I'm totally ok with being a jackass and laughing at myself. YMMV)

[@kensears5099]

The thing about expectations is why unsolicited and contextless spontaneous chat messages (I mean from real acquaintances, not phishing) are just deathly to me. I mean deep visceral frantic-frenetic horror. "How are you this evening?" WHY is this person writing, WHAT do they expect, WHERE are the boundaries and parameters of this conversation, WHEN will it end, HOW will I know? I have acquaintances who simply want to exchange vacuous commonplaces with utterly no trajectory, who give no signal when or how they expect the conversation to conclude, or why, and just keep on pestering me for reactions to the most vacuous of statments ("The weather here's great today") that put me through a nausea-crisis of floundering helplessness scrambling for something to respond with. "Oh that's so nice"? It's horrible. Unsolicited, boundary-less, no definition or purpose and zero establishment of expectations. My true gut desire is to write, "I have neither the time nor the endurance for this." But of course you can't do that. The weird thing is that I seem to be a magnet for people who want that, like they really just need to be heard talking about nothing and whenever they need that fix they presume, insultingly, that I'm there (what could Ken be doing of any importance, after all) just waiting on the edge of my seat to hear how their weather is.... It's utterly repellent to me, viscerally.

[@NidusFormicarum]

Yes! Highly relatable. I refuse to text chat, because you can't read a person you don't have in front of you. I have never understood how you can fake a conversation with someone by writing shirt text messages as if you were talking with someone for real. That simply doesn't work! I scare people away if I consent to text chatting because the empathy is missing when texting and I just come out as very odd and I get A LOT of anxiety. Small talk with someone I meet in person is completely different because now you have body language, you have facial expressions, you have tone of voice, smiles, laughs etc. While it is true that I as an autistic person is not world champion in social interactions, at least, it is easier for me to get a real connection with the other person and misunderstandings are easier to resolve and they are less judgemental to me too when they see me face to face. To a certain extent I like small talk too, but not to the extent as many neorotyoical people do and sooner or later I want to talk about something more tangible. I have a strong need to talk about these things though, human interactions, relationships, feelings...

[@LiftPizzas]

Hi Ken, how's the weather? Listen, I need to talk to you about something next week. (was that horrible enough? Sorry. Just relating. :)

[@kensears5099]

@@LiftPizzas 😄 Yeah, pretty horrible, and funny! Adding, "something I need to talk with you about next week" was the icing on the cake! You nailed it exactly! 😄

[@kensears5099]

@@NidusFormicarum Wonderfully stated. Yes, you crystallized it beautifully.

[@LiftPizzas]

Thank you for this video. I do tell people who I suspect I will be getting to know (new coworkers, someone who seems like they might become a friend) about my quirks. "I have resting bitchy voice, if I sound angry or sarcastic it's just because I'm tired or distracted." "I can't always tell between joking and being serious. If you're actually serious just tell me." "Words don't make pictures. I can get it but I'll need a diagram." "The part of my brain that processes speech and the part that understands procedures, they don't talk to each other. I'm happy do what you need me to do but I'll have to make a written list because verbal instructions don't compute." It's important to have said things like the first two before you get into those situations, that way they already (likely) understand that it's just how you roll and it wasn't personal or some after-the-fact made up excuse. I've found all but the most intolerant people are cool with that, and those who aren't, oh well. For the others, most people have something they are bad at (math, usually) so they get it and are cool with you needing to do it your way.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

These are very helpful Thanks for sharing!

[@Grey_Warden_Invasion]

Something the vast majority of other people seem to do when it comes to someone else not understanding what was just said (might it be in content, context or emotion) to only say the exact same thing but increasingly louder (and also sometimes increasingly frustrated). The other person being hard of hearing isn't always the problem - most of the time they are rather not on the same language level, or don't understand technical terms, or maybe they are even neurodiverse too. Despite my social anxiety, at my job I often have an easier time to get clients to understand me than a lot of my colleagues do. Because as soon as I notice that someone isn't understanding what I'm saying I switch in tone of voice or pronunciation, choice of words, wait to give time to process, maybe talking with more gestures if the person is in front of me and it's not over the phone.

[@annettevanalstine916]

I've noticed this too! Re-phrasing is much more helpful than saying it again louder. A loved one of mine tends to run their words together. With them, I do want a word for word repetition with better enunciation. Seems like there is always an exception.

[@desireekasper1894]

Could you possibly do a version of this for professional settings only? It would be helpful to separate out ones meant for personal and those me are for professional, and of course those meant for both. Thank you!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Great suggestion! For now, my Accommodations playlist might be helpful as I have some workplace videos that might be more specifically helpful to you.

[@craigbrowning9448]

There is a facility where I sometimes Park overnight. They want my name and license plate number and I decided just to make out a little slip of paper that has that information plus a little write-in space where I can put the parking space I'm parked in to avoid having to talk about it.

[@lexib671]

4:30 I remind family that I'm giving my body a 'job' (stimming) while my brain is doing this (task of listening). Or simply stating in other environments that my body and brain are connected and present in this moment when I'm moving.

[@Athanasia87]

Can you make a video on group conversations? I struggle with this one the most, I'm so lost in groups.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I struggle with this as well! Will need to learn a few things and improve here myself 🙃

[@sarahb2652]

I have found it really helpful at my work to ask for visual aids when learning a new task . I work in production so ask for people to show me how it is done firstly and then I ask for a procedure for it which usually has the task written out and pictures as I am in manufacturing. That way I have a constant visual referance and instructions to help remind me. I also always take notes and just explain to the person training me that I just need time in between them showing me things to write my notes. With those 3 things I find it alot easier to learn. I also ask alot of questions..😀👍

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes! Visual aids are so helpful to me as well.

[@RuaLuithnire]

I would wear that T-shirt! It sounds perfect! I definitely get feeling like I communicate better in writing than verbally. I had that thought a million times before I was diagnosed.

[@telecahansen9801]

This content is so helpful for me. I don’t think my husband even knows that he is on the spectrum. But soooo much of this is on point when trying to communicate with him. Neither of us knew in the beginning.

[@Infinitesimal-ho7it]

Why does this video _feel_ like clarity? So good!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Oh that makes me so happy! Clarity is always so nice to come by.

[@Infinitesimal-ho7it]

It's like fresh air.

[@KNRK379]

Re non-verbal communication: I've been sharing boundaries with my coworkers via email. I don't have to deal with them pushing back, questioning, getting cranky, etc. & what I want is actually respected! The fact that it's recorded clearly in written format also helps with that last piece.

[@NidusFormicarum]

8. Yes, if I am talking about something I feel a little ashamed of or is private, I don't want people around me to be able to hear what I and the other person is saying .

[@cynthiabohli-nelson1824]

Thanks Taylor! Just thinking of so many instances throughout my life when this would have been helpful. Something to practice with close friends & family members. 😊

[@yellowzora]

"I can't hear you the lights are too bright" that's sooooo me xD

[@its.Lora.]

9:26 yes. I've been working on this. I've learned that I'm not required to give anyone full access to me (or any access) if I don't want to or don't feel safe. It's been eye-opening to say the least.

[@NidusFormicarum]

Yes, I constantly ask people how to interpret conversations. Usually, it is about a conflict or a person who disappeared. I have shown conversations to therapists with mixed results. Some listen attentivly before they talk, validate me and give me feedback - that is great! Others don't pay attention to everything, must interupt all the time and comment on something or even say that that is pointless anyway. But what they keep saying is that I can't know. I can't know how the person received my message or why they disappeared. And while that's true it is also utterly confusing. There is no universal way to interpret a message, yet I as an autist don't trust my own judgement, but constantly feel the need to seek confirmation from others. And when once they do have something to remark about I often get upset or more confused than I was before. So do I seek validation or am I looking for advice. Hard question to answer! I guess the answer is that I mainly seek validation and need to be seen and need confirmation that my interpretation of the reality is valid and okay and that I shouldn't do as other people think I should do, but trust my own judgement. On the other hand, I want to know if something could have come across as odd, aggressive, creepy or in any shape or form could have been received as negative. But now I am crying. 😢 I just realized that one major reason I often get anxiety when I receive criticism even when I am asking for advice is that people are often so bad at validating me. They point out that the other person could have interpreted me in a certain way, but they don't show that they have understood why I wrote (or in some cases said) as I did and how it was meant to be interpreted from my perspective. And that hurts. When I feel hurt it often manifests itself as anxiety or in some cases as anger.

[@Agnes_B96]

I would really love something about how to stop oversharing. That is my biggest problem.

[@barbarawalker7122]

So many great suggestions here! This one is worth a regular re-watch.

[@harleysauceda5401]

Not me saving this for late because despite me being able to avoid more conversations than I expected with today being an errand day, the overwhelm of many of them has me burnt out and needing a few days 😅

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Sounds like a great boundary!

[@BuckeBoo]

A chi-town view 🧡. Yes, I have used close friends to read messages to offer their interpretation and I’ve used Goblin Tools to offer context. So helpful because I often have other interpretations. Helps to hear another angle.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

thanks for your comment! 🌟

[@ShirleyM_Anne]

I'm interviewing for a job next week after not working for ten years... this will help...

[@passaggioalivello]

Yes, this is gold. Thank you Tay.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome pass!

[@BlueSky-ff4oy]

Amusingly educational and enlightening.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks!

[@lamorg]

I've had lots of situations where people get extremely irritated when I say that I am confused by the conversation and ask them to list specifically what they expect of me, whether in work setting or not. I am not sure where the irritation is coming from, but from what i understand they think that I'm lying about that for some reason? Frankly, I don't know why I would.

[@er6730]

I think (I don't know the context, so I may be off) that they hear that as a criticism and declaration of exasperation from you. Kind of like "you're not making sense and I'm tired of talking to you. I don't care to collaborate with you on this, just tell me what I have to do to be finished with this." I'm not sure it would work in every situation, but sometimes saying something like, "I'm a little bit lost here. Can we clarify my part in this? I'm going to do x and y, is that right?" And even if you're not sure about x and y, the fact that you've listed something concrete will elicit a more concrete response. Kind of like how it's easier to correct a paragraph than to write it. You are making it easier for them by providing the template "I'm doing x and y?" And then they can say, "yes, and also z" or "no, that's not your job! I am asking you to do a and b!"

[@DJ_Black_Tourmaline]

omg that goblin tools stuff looks amazing! how did i not know about this?

[@Soramitsu]

I love your content. It is always so helpful. Thank you for all you do. Also.... the title says 12 and the description says 13 lol. I know it isn't a big deal, but I focused in on it and can't let it go. Anyway, thank you!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Haha I knew someone would catch it. I added a bonus tip at the end but didn't go back to change the beginning of the video so... it's a bit confusing i guess 🤪12 +1 tips :)

[@marcusdirk]

@@MomontheSpectrum A baker's dozen!

[@T.T.M.60]

Thank you for this video. I needed to hear all these helpful questions to ask.I tend to just respond. I definitely need to ask for more time .

[@laurenanderson2593]

HSP here and these tips help me so much even though I’m not exactly on the spectrum, I find myself very anxious in most conversations with people I don’t know.

[@whitneymason406]

Great tips! I wish it was ok to ask clarifying questions when I was little. I know it can get annoying for some having to answer a bunch of questions, but it definitely helps!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes... I know a lot of people in our community who were labeled "Troublemakers" in school for asking "why?" when really it's such an innocent and appropriate question! (But also, as the mom of an 8-year-old autistic kid, I do understand how overwhelming those questions can be to receive sometimes) 💓

[@mabmab88]

Your videos are very precious and helping.

[@elysebuehrer5981]

Not related to the content but I always have to comment when I see someone wearing colors that make them look especially radiant. Really beautiful complementarity! Now to listen to the content 😂 I’m sure it’s going to be very helpful to me

[@AWSRWS72]

Brilliant video !!!! Thank you this really helped me...

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Glad it helped! You’re welcome. Thanks for your comment.

[@lilblizzy]

>>I can't hear you, because I can clearly hear everyone else's conversations, simultaneously and it is distracting me from ours.

[@andrecouture2061]

My wife and I found out that it is much easier for me to have a normal conversation when I'm driving. It's like I can isolate language processing from everything else because my lower functions are tied up with driving. When she wants to discuss something she asks for a day trip somewhere.

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Big time late processor 💞💙👍🏻👍🏻

[@Fer-De-Lance]

Thanks.

[@madamenordica]

Thanks for saying it twice!

[@bree4297]

Watching your videos helps me understand myself so much better. Thank you for posting so many educational videos. The goblin thing is super cool too. I'm looking into getting a Manta sleep mask. I've also looked into the ono roller since last Christmas. Do you have any suggestions for noise-canceling headphones that also play music? I take a lot of walks with our doggo and I just want to block out outside noise. The sun also triggers my seizures so I try to be super careful.❤️ thanks again!!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I love my Bose noise-cancelling over the ear headphones. They were expensive (I think like 279 through amazon) but I LOVE them. Super comfortable and get the job done. Here is the link to the one I have (it's an amazon affiliate link) and I see my model is outdated now so 199. Still a great pair of headphones! amzn.to/4ekQGAC

[@erikahubinger-pauls7860]

I often struggle with the feelings of the other person during the conversation. And the surroundings on top of it. I can feel the slightest changes in feelings of other persons

[@kensears5099]

I'm only 17 seconds into this, so not even into the substance of it yet, so I don't know what's coming, which I why I want to say even before hearing it that I just KNOW this video is for me. Perhaps of all, all, ALL the "issues" confronting an autistic person in the neurotypical matrix, this is THE one that causes me the greatest agony in life. And it doesn't get easier with age, for all kinds of reasons. My autism discovery has immensely equipped me already, of course, to self-advocate, to draw lines, take charge when I have to, terminate an impossible dynamic, etc. But it's still a huge struggle, a colossal sense of disadvantage and scrambling to catch up, make sense, decode the script, "follow the bouncing ball" (in the midst of a thousand other bouncing balls).... In the famous words of Ross Perot (you're too young to recall, I think!), "I'm all ears."

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Love that feeling of KNOWING something is for me. Hope the video was especially helpful for you! Thanks for your comment.

[@NidusFormicarum]

Yes, this is among the big ones for me too! I don't understand other people and they don't understand me. Simple every day conversations create anxiety. It's the paradox that I am in greater need of social interactions than is managable - either way I don't get what I need.

[@LiftPizzas]

He really was all ears. LOL. Thanks for the flashback, now I'm seeing Phil Hartman as Stockdale randomly yelling "Gridlock!"

[@kensears5099]

@@MomontheSpectrum Yes, it was. 🙂

[@kensears5099]

@@LiftPizzas 😄

[@frslover]

I can totally relate to #12. I feel like i need to stay in a conversation with people or stay until there done talking but its awkward because I dont feel on the same page or I dont think they will want to hear what i have to say or accept it because i am autistic. Its not that i get bored with the topic I tend to lose interest.

[@SpiceClimber]

I will definitely check out Goblin tools. Thank you. Love your videos.

[@gillywild]

I totally agree that these responses/requests for clarification are logical but.. pretty much everyone I have ever known would have an absolute firework display of a hissy fit if I responded to them that way. Something like “are you deliberately trying to wind me up/piss me off!” Tricky, but I totally appreciate the input :)

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I understand. This has happened for me as well with people who struggle setting and respecting boundaries. It’s hard to watch those hissy fits happen, but their response doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

[@gillywild]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you for replying personally :) I still think it’s valuable advice. I will try to keep it in mind in those situations and maybe I can soften the edges a bit to make it more palatable to a UK audience :)) Thank you for all that you do, it is truly valuable xx

[@megandrynan6080]

Hi Taylor. Have you made a video about making friends as an autistic adult yet? If not, that would be super helpful. I'm 32 and undiagnosed. Yeah the flat affect thing is something I struggle with. Sometimes, I force myself to smile just so that I don't have a blank look on my face 24/7. 😆

[@NidusFormicarum]

Or we can look angry if we are distracted by thoughts giving us strong anxiety. I can easily get upset although it is a process going on within me. I once was told that I had stared angrily at the person next to me. I had no idea so I don't know how useful that information was.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes I have a whole playlist for autism in relationships! Definitely have some helpful tips for making friends.

[@ChristineH-d7d]

That happens to me a lot. People berate me for it. It would be one thing if I were intimidating. ​@@NidusFormicarum

[@krenasolheim1594]

We can only address our behaviors. Not fair to tell others how to act. Doesn't mean we can't educate others on using more direct and universal language. I am the only one at my work with English as first language. I joke with my coworkers that English really isn't my first language and thank them for helping me understand the English said. 😅 Guess that's why I fit in at my work.😊

[@NidusFormicarum]

1. When people turn to me with their problems - which is rare - I have less of a problem - they almost always want me to listen and that is natural to me even though I wish I were better at validating and supporting them if needed. But I constantly turn to others and maybe this is a lesson for me. Because I have actually rejected a lot of male friends simply because I don't feel listened to and validated - women are generally speaking better at that so I have had more female friends. There has to be softness, otherwise I will not feel comfortable around them in the long run. But what I am getting at is that maybe I should clarify for neorotyoical people what I need? Maybe they don't understand why I am opening a certain conversation. What typically happens is that I am accused of being too intense (I get intense when I feel bad and when excited) and not letting them speak and so I end up not feeling listened to and feel even worse than before I met them. It should be noted that these are usually not just ordinary friends, but people who get payed by the municipality to provide me with help and support.

[@arielle2745]

It would be nice to have a video on what to do in extreme situations. Occasionally I’ve spoken with those who refuse to drop a subject, even when the conversation is entirely inappropriate or unimportant. I realize there is something wrong with those who interact on such an aggressive level, but I never know what to do to end the interaction (example: “ I have to go to the bathroom.” Then the person follows me to the bathroom.)

[@craigbrowning9448]

@9:05, this is the issue I had with my dad he would never go for anything like text or email, you always wanted to have these long telephone conversations that were sort of third-degree and repetitive what is agenda and control issues. I wish I was able to better control the situation rather than being dragged along while this was happening.

[@jjdippel4152]

I have been doing #1 all my life! "What is the motivation for this question?" People get weirded out.

[@caseyj9]

I use all of these except the tone tool, but it took years of reading books to learn them. Now I. Wish ballistics did these back to me

[@NidusFormicarum]

11. Then people disappear though, because now you are putting pressure on them. I have tried it. Although now I am applying the words to a situation where I don't know a person at all and we have just started to talk and after a while I clarify that I don't understand the conversation and don't know what to talk about next. Of course I can ask someone else but then the person has to wait.

[@DEmersonJMFM]

#7 - From an understanding perspective, it's always a good practice to give explanations to people so they understand the why of a request and might remember in future considerations. Saying an explanation isn't "owed" to anyone might not come off well to everyone (do it my way and I don't need to say why). I'm not sure if you were meaning something different by specifically mentioning that, when you provide one possible explanation, so that confused me.

[@er6730]

I think it's more like "you don't need to disclose that you are autistic and get into a whole conversation about that" My son has ADHD and when I say "he's the kind of kid who does better when..." it works 100% better than saying "because he has ADHD, he has a hard time with..." I think that's what she meant. Kind of like, "I do better with writing, so instead of deciding now, just let me collect my thoughts and I'll text you soon." Don't get into talking about processing speed and all kinds of details. Just "this way works better for me, does it work for you?" and most people will receive that in a very flexible manner.

[@DEmersonJMFM]

@@er6730 Sure, simply saying you're autistic and/or ADHD isn't something you have to tell people, nor does it making accommodations easier just by mentioning them (as each person has different needs). Yes, breaking it down specifically to preferences that work for you (and stating such) is the type of explanation I was trying to get at.

[@kuibeiguahua]

:( i really needed this today

[@robbiegibson4112]

Good morning.

[@Pallasathena-hv4kp]

2:50 I ask my husband all the time if he is doing “ok.” I really can’t tell sometimes!

[@Pallasathena-hv4kp]

4:30 when I am reading something interesting, I always stim. Usually my hands and fingers.

[@krenasolheim1594]

Notes good

[@benzandchang2314]

+1 on I can’t hear you because the lights are too bright. I can’t hear you because why is there a flag on that dog? I can’t hear you because that extraneous factoid, about someone who isn’t in this story you’re telling me, is too loud. I can’t hear you because aren’t these supposed to be in alphabetical order?

[@MomontheSpectrum]

YES! Alphabetical order 🙌

[@Pallasathena-hv4kp]

My problem is sometimes I get revved up and over enthusiastic about things. I can be overwhelming and it’s hard to step down.

[@NidusFormicarum]

What's the difference between 1 and 2?

[@franckchalut]

number 11 and 12 might get you fired real quick 😅 or in relationship trouble. great video nonetheless ✌️

[@westcoastswingmusic]

💯

[@steveg4082]

Happy Thanksgiving family gatherings 🙅‍♀️🦃🙅🏻‍♂️

[@jjdippel4152]

I have to do #6 all the time with people.

[@TurtlesNTacos]

It’s conversations like this one that make me consider if ADHD is a symptom of ASD… but I know scientifically that can’t be true… but I never remember why. It’s like 2 completely different areas of our brains.

[@jbullets5198]

Goblin tools saves my work life daily 😅

[@mikaeljacobsson1437]

First, off-topic. Do you turn on subtitles when uploading the video? Your channel is the only one where they are on default. It would be nice if it got more acceptable amongst people that there does not have to be a conversation for the sake of conversations. Make them have a clear purpose thats not being about being social. At work or school, tools and tips to deal is really helpful and nice to get videos like this. On your sparetime there should not be anything forced.

[@lv9265]

How do I deal with people who ask intrusive questions but put on a very friendly appearance but in reality they just want to find a vulnerability to talk about behind your back or exploit? I hate it when colleagues ask about my relationship for example. You don't need to know how long we've been dating or who asked who, Stacey. They also act super friendly but it's clear that it's fake and they always have that smug look in their eyes like they're just about to start making fun of you.

[@JDoe-gf5oz]

You sound paranoid. It's just small talk.

[@TsiamoKlara]

❤

[@whispersbeautyofficial]

Alexa hypertisia!!! I'm so glad I heard that I do that at .

[@sandralambis2382]

Most Neurotypical people make conversation just to do something. If you're at work and someone asks you spmething, they may actually want an answer. Otherwise, they're just talking. Stop over thinking things.Just say hmhmmm and go on with your day.Most people don't really care what you think!

[@anaisrodgers1347]

Let me know when the t-shirt is for sale, I’ll take 7. One for every day 😂 #dimthelights

[@thebeatles9]

I don[t have these issues anymore. maybe it's because I've spent a decade as a MH worker listening and talking to folks?

[@raymoonlight3396]

Why did I read conversational overwhelm as controversial overwhelm? 😭