Autistic Masking: How to Find the True "You"

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[@relentlessrhythm2774]

A good piece of advice that I was given: Don't do things you don't want to do. I don't carry on useless conversations when I don't feel like it and I don't act super bubbly in group gatherings like I used to. I'm not perfect but am making progress.

[@erindoty9448]

Love that ("don't do things you don't want to do"). That seems easier to me than trying to start with what I want to do, because I have no idea. But I think I could start by noticing when I don't want to do something and then practice not doing it. Thank you for sharing.

[@lauragibbons363]

I totally agree and starting to do this also. It can feel a little selfish at times but I weigh the pros and cons to me and my regulation, and the doing less of activities far benefits me than pretending to care or like something I don't

[@heatherteles7036]

This sounds very harsh, but this is the greatest advice for autistic people. I’m a delivery driver and have to engage in small talk all day, and by the end of the day, I am crushed by the exhaustion. I’ve started dealing with customers in a very firm (yet polite) way by not letting a conversation go on and on as some people like to do. I used to feel so guilty about this, but not anymore. I just don’t see the point in it and need to do my job quickly. I’m starting to get really good at letting go of the guilt from not doing things that I don’t want to do. Everyone is allowed to take things in their own way, but I also have to protect myself.

[@waynepalumbo8917]

I have trouble differentiating the things i NEED to do that i just don't want to vs the things that I CAN say no to because its either an unreasonable expectation or just plain something that i'm not qualified for. I've said yes to things out of fear way too many times, but then i'll be in a pissed off mood or maybe experiencing a shutdown or whatever and I'll refuse to do anything that someone asks just because of the way it was asked of me.

[@heedmydemands]

​@@waynepalumbo8917yes me too, it is hard to tell sometimes which are things u don't want to do but u have to and which are just okay to say no to

[@saltoftheegg]

In 2020 I discovered BTS and I went down the most intense hyperfixation wormhole I've ever been down. I felt so much shame because I had just turned 30 and I was into this group that everyone told me was for kids. Before I even discovered I was autistic, the joy they gave me constantly was enough to help me stop masking so much. I realized that if I could survive admitting to people that I liked kpop, I could survive making a few more changes in my life that might not be socially acceptable. I started wearing the bright colours I liked and focused more on comfort than fashion. I discovered new things about my sexuality and gender identity and I had some great tunes to listen to all the while! I'm not as into them as I used to be but I'm still all-in on kpop in general and I'm happier than ever!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I LOVE THIS SO. SO. MUCH. 🌈 😊 🎉

[@T.T.M.60]

Hi!,im 65 and I love Kpop!BTS is for all ages, they have such a great message.💜, I have been attending kpop concerts with my daughter since 2015 and i just love it! There is nothing like live music! Enjoy!

[@krayaex]

OMG I am not alone... I got into k-pop the same year as you and it definitely helped me unmask... I will get back to you with a longer response, I just need your comment to let sink in. I. Feel. Seen.

[@T.T.M.60]

@@krayaex I💜U

[@BobIawblaugh]

❤😂🤣🙌🏻💃🏻 I love this so much, and I did the exact same thing with Lizzo, who showed me Sister Rosetta Tharpe. I’m a 41-year old single mama of two girls (the eldest is diagnosed as well, and I completely overlooked my own processing. So, so thankful for this channel ❤️🙏🏻🥰) who is finding herself and picking up playing music again. Just for fun, and I love how it is SO not like riding a bike! Arthritis is real 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️😂 Anyway, the scandal broke my streak, but not bc I’m no longer a fan. I will forever be so grateful for her joy. You can’t make that type of energy up. We all go through stuff that throws us straight up off of our axis, even sometimes self induced. Not saying that about her, but I can certainly speak for myself here. She’ll come through, and this pressure makes her an even bigger diamond. I’m a Taurus female myself and BOY HOWDY, have I been in strange situations that really made me look a certain way…just so rough. Yuck! Anyway, thanks for sharing your story…I’m not the only one! Big hugs to you and yours from Texas ❤👋🏻😊

[@Bethany.Loveday]

Flow dancing in private really helps me. Not worrying about how I look or about my moves, just moving to the music however my body wants, it feels liberating, fun and helps me reconnect with my body.

[@user95395]

i like dance too.

[@deltatranslation7288]

The only time I truly feel “in my element” is when I’m totally immersed in music

[@matiasgaray470]

This is the most real thing!

[@randomaf2848]

this is so real for me and makes me wanna cry out of relief that other people feel the same❤

[@samamsterdam4301]

I've often masked by mimicking things from other people that I thought was cool. What I discovered is that the rules of society are not the same for everybody. More than one time I heard a popular person say something and everyone laughed. When I said the very same thing later the very same people who laughed for the popular people corrected me as if I said something wrong. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

[@meta5175]

The sad thing is, I think I've been dismissing my needs for so long, forcing myself to do all the things that I don't want to do that I got used to them (or rather, disassociating every single day)

[@kittygartland5305]

Thank you so much for this video! !!! My 15 year old daughter has said "how can my friends know who I am if I don't even know who I am "😢 She hasn't talked to her friends about being autistic , she is always masking with them and is exhausted after hanging out for long periods of time. Watching your videos really helps me understand what my daughter has to go through daily !!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Im glad the video is helpful in that regard! It makes me so happy as a mom to see what you are doing to better understand your daughter. So important!!

[@sueannevangalen5186]

I definitely find that just being aware of the brain/body disconnect is slowly helping to reopen the connection. I'm sure I don't always remember to be mindful of this, but when I do, my autistic self tends to emerge. Last week, my husband and I were in our car on the first really warm day of the season. The sun was very powerful and to make matters worse, the A/C in the car was not working properly, so there was cool air blowing on the driver's side and hot air blowing on me (on the passenger side). It was HOT. Not Texas hot, I'm sure, but hot. I do not do well in extreme heat (or cold). We stopped outside my boys' school because we were picking them up to take them to therapy and I noticed I wanted to be moving. My body was sort of shouting, "Get up! Now!" So I got out and started pacing back and forth in front of the school, in full view of some of the classrooms. I didn't think about that until later, thankfully. It was very memorable because I came away from the whole incident thinking, "I think the real me made an appearance today." It seems really weird to think that pacing around in front of a school was an expression of "the real me." But it's a start. 😊

[@passaggioalivello]

Good Job SueAnne. It's a good start.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

@@passaggioalivello 😊

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes

[@MomontheSpectrum]

love this sueanne!! thanks for sharing 💓

[@Jewlz4ever]

When you said “I think the real me made an appearance today” I started crying. I so desperately want the real me to make an appearance.

[@karlahuntsman]

I am 53 and finding this channel is a godsend! I have labeled myself all my life as “quirky “…in my childhood I was called “gifted” but I knew there was more and it was frustrating not to get the help I needed. I am certain that I am ASD/ADD but I am finding it hard to take the next step to formal diagnosis and maybe it really doesn’t matter. It is hard because others think I am doing so well but they have no idea how much I struggle just to get through the workday (I teach college) where I have to be around people all day. I get home and my body is exhausted but my brain is running a million miles an hour replaying conversations and interactions and trying to process them. I find that I am most unmasked when I interact with my 3 year old grandson. We can authentically play and imagine and I feel a freedom that I don’t get with adults. At the same time, I find that I can’t do it for very long. I don’t know if it is an attention span issue or an issue of limited energy, but I have to switch gears and get him involved with something else after 20 or 30 minutes so that I can take a break. Fortunately he is understanding that grandma gets tired and goes right along with the flow.

[@MsTinkerbelle87]

My family says it’s like meeting a whole new person…they feel a little guilty because they didn’t realize my whole being (except with my parents and brothers) was masking in front of nuerotips. It feels so freeing to just be me…thank you for this video. It’s difficult being the only person in your family like this, it’s exhausting lol

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I understand the struggle! Thanks for your comment.

[@emmamunro7208]

HI Zoey, I was wondering do you get moods all over the place ?

[@rachael943]

OH MY F*CKING GAWD. I needed this like right now. This video is the Universe speaking to me and I have goosebumos!!! I'm 47 and I am finally, *FINALLY* setting myself free from masking this very week and I have never felt more free!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes!!! I fully 100% support you!!! Keep going!!

[@ElaineWalker]

How long ago did you figure out you had autism? I just figured it out at 50, diagnosed at 51. I was super elated! What a relief to figure out WHY I never understood what my personality was supposed to be! Have you had awkward moments after unmasking? I sure have! haha

[@johnzimpelman9018]

​@@ElaineWalker Sounds like your diagnosis was a life changer! I must say that my diagnosis was cathartic and the dots connected, as I literally told the PhD. I suspected that I was on the spectrum, having robust conversations with my physician a couple years before, and this has allowed me to have peace of mind!

[@theresawolf109]

Trying to figure all this out in my 60's.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re not alone! There are many in this community in their 60s, 70s and 80s.

[@jolund7848]

I’m 71, only recently realized I’m on the spectrum, and it feels like I’m having some kind of identity crisis…I don’t know myself any more…who the “real” me is. But realizing I’m autistic has allowed me to reframe my whole life, it’s explained so many things, like why I always felt like a square peg in a round hole. It’s quite the journey to begin so late in life…

[@passaggioalivello]

I think demasking could be an overwhelming experience, because I don't know who I really am, especially after a life where everyone repressed the real me since I was born. I have to learn how to be myself, like a baby that discovers the world for the first time.

[@alora98]

This is definitely the most helpful unmasking video I have seen yet! Learning I’m autistic and have been masking my whole life was exactly like you described- an identity crisis. I’ve been struggling with the question of “who even am I?” ever since. Going to start with figuring out who I’m not and trying to learn to connect with my body. Thank you for sharing your tips and knowledge!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely! Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

[@Jewlz4ever]

100% same here. I want so desperately to find the real me again. She has been buried so deep for so long, I don’t know if I can dig her out.

[@pattykelly6839]

If you have "masked" your whole life successfully to the point to where nobody could ever tell you have autism...what makes you think you are autistic? Keep in mind, people want attention on TIK TOK and youtube. Those kinds of people can't speak for those of us on the spectrum that can't "MASK" it. It doesn't go away. Sure you might be able to get away with blending in for a little until people start to get to know you then they talk behind your back. I think this self diagnosis crap online has got to go.

[@oldschoolcars3318]

I am at 2:40 and I am laughing. Thank you. At 68, after recovering from a grueling 6 hour neuropsych exam, I just got the news: ASD with ADHD! I am laughing at my own predicament: here is this nice young woman telling me she might have a tough time unraveling 3 decades of masking and I have nearly 7 to think about!? Since I am so new to this idea I have not even sat to contemplate " what to do" and I am chuckling that I have been given this at this late date while resisting the "what ifs" one could engage in while also realizing for the first time that these gifts came from my parents at least one of whom was similarly affected, and, they had to struggle with me and with themselves while completely ignorant of either condition. So will this all be my new "special interest"? Not sure yet, but I thank you for the videos and for the acco.paniment as I go through my learning.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Of course. Thank you for your comment!! Glad you’re a part of the community.

[@maryannehunter7569]

Oh do I understand! I am 65 and though not formally diagnosed every online test I have taken has said "Yep! Austistic!" How do I unravel all of the masking and compensations!? I know that my siblings and many of my friends will not believe it, even with a formal diagnosis. But my lovely daughter, who herself has an autistic (and globally delayed) daughter and is a pediatric nurse, was the one who suggested that I may be autistic and my son (who himself might be on the spectrum) felt it was very possible. Both my kids (and my husband) have ADHD. So I do have good support from my immediate family. Still....the question remains....who am I? Looking for a formal diagnosis does seem to be the way to go to start the process and start answering the questions.

[@julierosie62]

60 here, I feel you! I think we are quite unrepresented on social media, for several reasons. I love this channel and have found it super helpful though! Thanks @mom on the spectrum

[@julierosie62]

Or should that be @momonthespectrum perhaps, technology is another slight struggle for me lol

[@julierosie62]

I think I mean under represented. I’ll get there eventually (maybe by learning to edit my comments might be a start)! Sorry! 🙈

[@narutogoldylocks]

For me i think dancing has been one of the only things where I truly feel connected to myself. It is very weird to think about it now because I have not felt or seen that side of me for many many years. But I did dance in high school (mostly contemporary but we learned various styles & basics), and something about it once you get to the point where you just do the dance from muscle memory & you don’t have to think about it…. It’s like all of a sudden you’re not thinking. You’re just doing & feeling the emotion of the dance. I miss that a lot. I’ve been looking for adult dance classes in my area for quite some time but haven’t been lucky

[@lisabmpls]

Same! Love to dance! But it’s super hard to find adult classes that aren’t geared for semi-professional and professional dancers. If you want to try a bit of ballet, may I suggest Kathryn Morgan here on KZbin? She’s really great and has a fascinating backstory in the big world of ballet. She’s all about encouraging adult dancers at all levels!

[@narutogoldylocks]

@@lisabmpls for sure! There are almost no dance classes for adults by me; they’re all for children. And the ones for adults are for competitive ballroom dancing ): there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s not what I want to do. And thank you for the suggestion! I will definitely be checking out her page 💕

[@joycebrewer4150]

😊 Loving your post! I was reminded of something I hadn't thought of in many years. As a child, and even as a young teen, when I was sure nobody was watching, I freestyle danced to put form to emotion! That was really me. I may start again, alone.

[@jbrubin8274]

Unfortunately I had been shamed for many years but I’m learning to embrace it. Despite the negative environment and it’s really helping me. Also I quite literally cleaned out my closet, one of the first things I did. I was judged for it but it too was very helpful. Getting rid of a bunch of stuff I didn’t really like, but purchased because I thought I ‘had to’. Now I’m focusing on me, not trying to make others happy. Edit- Oh I forgot, those sensory videos on here I’ve found to be very soothing and a way for me to feel safer spending the time I need alone with my brain.

[@nataliesirota2611]

Good for you JB!

[@jbrubin8274]

@@nataliesirota2611 Thanks, it’s baby steps but it’s always nice to hear a ‘good job’. Not getting that a lot so please know how grateful I am for your kind reply. 🥹🙏💯

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes! 💯

[@T.T.M.60]

Same!,I bought a lot of things that I thought I should like but now buy things that I really like and I’m so much more comfortable! And a BIG congrats to you!

[@turquoismama33]

Makes me happy to know you're getting rid of that stuff and why, That is a very awesome thing to do. I love to hear (or read) about it.

[@shannonfields9552]

I write poetry to cope. This is what it feels like to be me trying to escape the mask. When the stress is this great, I want to retreat into myself and be me. Not the me I am around others Or my boss Or my co-workers, But the me I am when I am alone With the crickets and the birds In the evening when the dusk-to-dawn light comes on. I want to be the me before I was named, In that moment between birth and the nurse Asking for my name to create a birth certificate. The me that is like an electron when it is not observed, a quantum field when it has not collapsed, A being of probability but no definite position or place, Existing in the foreground and the background and all Around you, but unnoticed. The me that I am when I am not measured. Quiet. Self-aware. In the corner in a chair. Alone. Without the expectation to be anything. Clay, unformed. Only me. Just Me.

[@jolund7848]

Wonderful poem, really speaks to me, shows me that the tiny, silent me that I’m hardly aware of most of the time, is the real me …who I was before the world fashioned me into someone I hardly recognize. Thank you 🙏

[@teriwalling669]

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing ❤

[@Jewlz4ever]

This is beautiful. I especially love the line “The me I am when I’m not measured”

[@heathertoomey7068]

Sending this to my friend. He suspects he has ADHD but not ASD. I'm starting to suspect it. This sounds like he could have written this poem himself!

[@themedicdroidx10]

Thanks for sharing your gift

[@whitneymason406]

Being around people who are supportive of the real me helps a lot! Great topic! 💞

[@passaggioalivello]

It's amazing my friend.

[@Flopsi80]

I avoid people who aren't supportive. It's simple.

[@JadeAislin]

It's nice to finally have the autism diagnosis. It explains all my little differences that I thought were just quirks. Like believing my older sister's friends were also my friends or being amused at some girls from my high school calling me in an attempt to bully and shame me. Normally being told your friends don't really like you would hurt. I just found it funny. I still find scammers that try to say I have issues with my car insurance hilarious as I don't have a driver's license, let alone a car. I'm not sure how I'm doing at unmasking. I am taking out my fidget device in the open, I never leave home without it. I think part of my unmasking is my accepting there are adulting things I just don't understand and need help with, like interviews.

[@harrispinkham]

Omg I HATE interviews! I forget how to words!

[@heatherinde]

It is amazing how good we all can be at ignoring our bodies cues. Thank you for the tips for tuning in. As I learn to be my true self, I know one of my major obstacles is feeling comfortable expressing it without being embarrassed. Watching videos like these helps me know that being my true self is (should be) acceptable, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely!

[@janewarnock8855]

I agree. These videos really help me remember that continuing the unmasking journey is really worth all the ups and downs. ❤

[@laurenjb7]

I feel like I've been masking so long that unmasking feels uncomfortable, because it's been so long since I've unmasked that is what is most familiar. Even home alone I'll be doing something or imagining a situation being just myself, and it's great i'm having a good time in my own little world, but then out of no where a wave of really intense anxiety and will hit, sometimes a full blown panic attack, like I'm having the anxiety response of drawing attention to myself unmasking in public, to peoples response and possible judgment just thinking of it even though no one is around and the situations in my head are totally fictional. I guess maybe it's just baby steps, unmasking a tiny bit at a time, seeing it wasn't so bad, and little by little i'll realize that it doesn't always feel so terrifying in reality

[@beth8775]

After watching a couple of your videos, I took the CAT-Q quiz, and it was very illuminating. Apparently, I have a *lot* of masking behaviors. I'm almost 37 and had no idea that autism might actually be why I've always felt different from others. The more I read, the more I think I should seek formal evaluation. Thank you.

[@turquoismama33]

I think I mask because my true self is "too much" for most people, but, I'm still investigating this topic as it is a fairly new one for me.

[@nataliesirota2611]

Having only recently being diagnosed, I have an entire lifetime of unmasking and letting go of doing all the things that were thrust upon me by society and my family of origin. None of them would "get it" or understand and would probably further hurt me by denying my autism, so I just don't care to share the "new" me with them. I am unmasking by leaps and bounds and loving it. I like myself more now than ever in my life! Interestingly enough, my shopping obsessions and most of my collecting has slowed down dramatically in the process. Therefore, I think that maybe I was using them to insulate myself in a protective manner. However, for my other special interests, that previously were questioned, I am embracing them with fervor!

[@Richardythefunnyone]

I went true the same. I got a late diagnose. And i have a like identity crisis. And it is a hard proces

[@delilahhart4398]

I've recently begun the process of unmasking. I'm tense or anxious about 99% of the time, and one thing that I've found is that if I'm really, truly unmasked, I'm relaxed and all the tension is gone.

[@SDR-fj7on]

This video is so timely, I am 40, just diagnosed, and man alive, initial massive relief, and now out of nowhere (?) complete uncertainty. How long post diagnosis are you? Your videos speak to the somewhat more intellectual way of reflecting upon 'things' and this speaks very specifically to what I am experiencing now, although I am so new to it that I almost don't even know where square 1 is nevermind understanding myself more fully.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I am 3 years post DX. Thanks for watching and for your comment.

[@ElaineWalker]

I just realized we were both diagnosed 3 years ago. 🙂I was 51 and a 100% masker, so I've been having a serious WHO AM I crisis ever since. I always know what I want to DO, but not what my personality should be. My old KZbin videos have a different me in each video, which seems so silly now. I remember deciding on the fly.. "I guess for this video I'll act like THIS!" I mostly only hang around my husband and mom and daughter, who are the main people I masked the least around, so as I've been trying to unmask and reveal myself the last few years, I try to think, "What would I be acting like around my husband or daughter right now?" and try to relax and bring on that vibe. I'm not nearly as bubbly and "out there" as I was for the first 50 years of my life, but I used to really wear myself out, tire my facial muscles from smiling so much, and nap for two days after any event. I'm super awkward now, trying to unmask. I've had many maddeningly uncomfortable (humorous in retrospect) moments, but at least I'm more regulated now, not wasting all that energy.

[@Mountain-Man-3000]

This is timely. I have been working on unmasking after I was diagnosed at 35 and do not know who I am.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It is a process that deserves a lot of gentleness and self compassion. 💞

[@allsheeverwanted1991]

I have zero clue who I am, I’ve fallen into a bit of a depressive place but slowly trying to pull myself out.

[@pamelakurtz86]

I always appreciate your posts-I so relate as I, too, am late diagnosis. Very late lol. Last year at the age of 64 I became aware that I’m also on the spectrum. It’s been completely life-changing! I have a similar early back story to yours-cheerleader, Homecoming (court, not queen), etc. As I’ve grown older I’ve made peace with and have leaned into my “quirkiness.” But having the diagnosis and the knowledge I’ve gained regarding being autistic has made all of the difference! Thank you for all you do for our strange, amazing and beautiful tribe. ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

“Strange, amazing, beautiful…” yep!! Haha love it. Thanks for your comment.

[@loripage7734]

I’m 64 and diagnosed two weeks ago. Nice to know of someone my age going through similar, but you’re a year ahead in this spin on life

[@thegracklepeck]

Before I knew I was autistic I thought maybe I had cptsd. I'm unsure at this point. This video is on a really helpful topic though. I appreciate it ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for your comment!

[@deviatedspectrum]

Thanks for this video! Diagnosed at 62 and boy, can I relate. I especially like the dichotomy you talked about between judgment and curiosity. Sometimes all that "peeling back the onion" is really more like the opening of a rose. It helps if I can remember to stay curious. Lots of useful tips here.

[@gnorpflorbsen8665]

I don't really think there is a "me" there are just my actions, expressions, and impulses which change based on an incalculably complex and varied relationship between situations and stimuli. What I value, what drives me, my special interests, extroversion/introversion, my somatic experiences, etc are constantly shifting based on information I learn, challenges I face, how much I ate or slept. It's not one thing, its lots of things and the 'chemistry' between them is different every time because the ratios are never exactly the same. That said, I can recognize patterns or attempt to control aspects of these to make my behaviors, drives, and situations more consistent in some ways. "self" is just so abstract and ever changing IMO

[@goodenoughaccompanis]

I know exactly what you mean about that icky feeling in the body when related to social interactions!! I’ve always struggled living with roommates, and also know this feeling from a previous relationship…now I understand it as masking. The “copy/paste” behavior, I identify with that *so* much. I’ve lived on my own now for about 10 years, and it has made ALL the difference, having my own safe space. I never made the connection that it was all the masking that was so draining about living with roommates. Also, just today when I was working with one of my piano students, I had a flash moment of awareness of this internal feeling of, “I’m really just totally being myself right now!” and it just felt great to feel free in that way. I’ve been working with that student for 8 years and she’s in high school now and loves piano, so it’s fun to be able to share my passion with her. I definitely don’t recognize all the times when I’m masking, but it is interesting to note the times when I recognize that I’m not masking!

[@rushiaskinnerwallace6175]

Love that part where you realized you felt totally in your skin at that moment. To more moments like that! 😊

[@marydesmond2102]

Hi Taylor, I watch you from Ireland. The body and mind disconnect makes doctor visits challenging. You are a gift. Thank u

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome. Thank you for your comment.

[@0zyris]

When I was a kid I had this mental image that I was a wizard standing alone on the top of a hill with my huge beautiful black horse with his flowing mane. Looking down into the valleys below between the hills, there was the town, with it's little houses, little roads, little trees, little cars, little factories, little town hall, little school and little church, and in the houses were the families with their TV's and sofa's and dining tables and children and pets, all doing much the same things day after day. And as long as that kept happening, everything was kind of okay. I was able to go down into the town and move around invisibly, doing what I needed to do without them noticing. But I was not one of them. And I could melt away into the night anytime I wanted. I had bigger things to take care of elsewhere. I liked that feeling. As I grew up, I always related to characters like Gandalf, Leonardo Da Vinci, Galileo, Merlin, Rafiki (Lion King), Spock, Edison, James Watt, Richard Trevithick, John Fowles, Carl Sagan, and so on. I never told anyone until many years later because I figured they would say I was being egotistical. They would not understand. It didn't matter because they had no need to know anyway.

[@ReyOfLight]

I’m 37 now and it took until last summer before figuring out I’m actually autistic, so I was almost 37 when finally starting to drop the mask. I’m not formally diagnosed but tbh, with my formally diagnosed boyfriend and another formally diagnosed friend knowing within seconds that I’m autistic (they both knew before I did, which they admitted when I told them I had taken some self tests that all strongly indicated I’m indeed autistic) I feel their recognition is more validating in daily life than a formal diagnose will ever be, even though I will try to get a formal evaluation at some point as well due to the resources available if having a formal diagnose. Since realizing I’m autistic and accommodating for my needs instead of suppressing and masking, I feel so much more relaxed and at peace with myself. Still working on not masking though, masking is just something I’ve done subconsciously all my life, so it’s difficult to just let go and release the awesome autistic hiding behind the mask. It’s so difficult at times though, sometimes my boyfriend points out that I’m masking, and I don’t even realize until he points it out because I was conditioned to behave like others for so long.

[@rushiaskinnerwallace6175]

The feeling so much more relaxed and at peace with yourself says volumes and indicates you’re being more authentic and true to yourself which is awesome. Also think it’s rather awesome that your significant other is pointing out when he sees you not being authentic or trying too hard or playing small or whatever way you’re masking when he notices (assuming he’s doing this from a loving place with good intentions and kindly).

[@ReyOfLight]

@@rushiaskinnerwallace6175 Yeah, he helps me a lot to just be myself. It’s such a huge relief to have the love of your life just wanting you to be yourself. He doesn’t even expect me to wear makeup (and thinks I’m prettier without) which is also a huge relief to me as I prefer to just be natural :3

[@TheDarkjudge1]

Hey there! Looking forward to the course when that happens! What you've given me here is so incredibly helpful as I have a bad habit of very negative self talk. Some of it comes from trying to fit in way too hard and trying to be what other people in my life wanted and then getting mad at myself because I couldn't be those things. So, yes, learning how to simply "be" again is going to be challenging, but, as you say, exciting.

[@catherinecummins2847]

Imagine being on the cusp of your seventh decade and waking up to the realization of a whole lifetime of autism + CPTSD. I feel like a child opening up seventy years of birthday gifts. Each new thing I discover about myself, helps me answer questions long asked about my past experiences. At age 57, I realized I had CPTSD and that I qualified for criminal injuries compensation. I then used that monetary award for EMDR treatment. This therapy focuses on helping the brain track from left side to right which stimulates its ability to reprocess traumatic events. To me it felt like opening a closet packed full of boxes and then one by one, discovering the boxes are empty. I am finding unmasking similar. I focus on living authentically, being grounded in my body, in learning the names for the feelings I am experiencing, in observing and heeding my body's cues. It is such an intense voyage of discovery, but instead of the boxes being empty, they are full of exciting discoveries about myself to take out and try on. In the past months, I emptied my clothes closet and filled it with only the clothing I like to wear and am now experimenting with used clothing bought online in styles, fabrics and colours my autistic self loves. If I make a mistake and hate my choice, I just wash it and resell it. Every day I celebrate a birth day because I am learning who I really am and gifting myself with doing and saying the things that are authentic. Like the Skin Horse in the children's classic THE VELVETEEN RABBIT, though worn and shabby I am becoming really real.

[@mysiann]

I’m just discovering that I might be on the spectrum (at this point realizing it would be very strange if I was NOT on the spectrum). I’m 39 years old. This is the first video that has helped me begin the unmasking process. You explain all of this so well. I’ve also never watched a KZbin video more than one time (it took me 10 years to watch ANY KZbin video because of sensory stuff) until this one! Thank you SO FREAKING MUCH. Wow.

[@BonMooney]

I even mask when I'm alone. Like I tried journaling but everything I write feels fake, like I'm writing as someone else. I was diagnosed in my late 40s.

[@lulumoon6942]

👀I find that when I'm Masking, I analyze my body language, looks, behavior, but don't when I'm not, I just AM!

[@heatherso7772]

For years i didn't know i was masking. I just diagnosed myself at 52. But when i talked to a client i litterally felt like i left myself and when it was over i stood there blinking and completely disoriented. It's like i get in it before im aware and then i don't become aware again until it's over. Then it takes me a couple of hours to feel like myself again. I always got so mad at myself for losing myself so easily. The diagnosis has freed me from that self loathing, but it still happens... though i am getting better and holding onto myself. I literally hide when i see people i know in public because i dont want to have that feeling. It feels like small talk sucks away my soul. Lol. But no really.

[@autisticrobotdragon17]

I’m 45 and it’s only been a few months since I have self diagnosed myself to be on the spectrum. It’s funny to me that I can remember thinking to myself multiple times throughout my life “who am I?”. To complicate matters of understanding who I am I am also transgender and have ADHD. I’ve always been a people pleaser and a social chameleon, adapting my vibe, body language and vocabulary to the people I’m currently interacting with. I’ve used movie and tv characters as examples of how to act around other people and what to say. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s very difficult for me to pick out the parts of me that are actually me, and the parts I’ve just created in order to attempt to fit in my whole life. Thank you for your channel and this video, I find your content to be very insightful on my current journey of self discovery :)

[@tapestryhomesteader]

Just got my dx today & I'm so exhausted but cant stop watching your content 😂 thank you!!

[@jkRatbird]

At 3.30 i literally laughed out loud from the pure joy of feeling seen. It was the first time i heard of this brain-body disconnect. Thank you so much!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re very welcome! Thanks for your comment and glad to hear you feel less alone.

[@petekdemircioglu]

Happens to me too: Who am I if Im not succeeding? Thing. Also had This ignoring of Body cues: no longer.

[@erikavaleries]

Love your glasses 🤓❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks!! They’re warby Parker.

[@ma11221]

I could never rock the tortoiseshell like that... or can I...? 🤔

[@cowsonzambonis6]

Love your videos so much!! Great advice and thoughts- I’ve been really focusing on listening to what my body is telling me, and the. Responding in a healthy way, and it’s already making a difference. 🎉 Hope you’re having a great day! ❤

[@OldTimer1970]

This is something I'm still struggling with. My whole life I've felt like two people, the one people meet and the me when I'm alone. It's not an easy journey, but all the little lightbulb moments and the feeling of finally understanding who you are is worth it. I honestly thought my diagnosis of ASD and ADHD was a mistake and ignored the ASD part for well over six months, but once I started looking at the two together all the pieces are starting to come together and make sense.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

yes, it can take a while to see but has been a breath of fresh air for me to have all of the pieces

[@mattrich79]

"I always thought something was wrong with my brain" jumped out of my speakers and slapped me repeatedly across the face. I was diagnosed at 41 and most of my life, as far back as early elementary school, I was sure something was "wrong" with me, but I didn't know what and I was terrified that somebody else might figure it out. I'm two years post dx and I still don't really know what bits and pieces of me are real and which ones are leftover pieces of the broken mask.

[@zuro1092]

Lockdowns helped me a lot, not having to mask whole day, working from home. Issue is now going to meet people, I have to dig deep to bring back up the learned behaviours, takes a lot of effort. Thing is, if I do, now it’s way less, I started telling people at work I’m autistic so don’t have to that much of acting to do!

[@MaryanaMaskar]

Guys, send me some support please. I am trying to be more present online (like start making KZbin videos and un-private my Instagram), so I'm taking a course about personal brand and content making. The thing is, I am barely verbal now (I can do short sentences), and the leader is really pushing us to talk our feelings through on videocalls. It's tough and I already feel excluded.

[@vanessabeaton]

There is no correct pace for revealing yourself. Give yourself some compassion and peace knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be regardless of what others think that should look like.

[@MithMathy]

I think content from more nonverbal or less verbal creators would be really good for the community. For this course, they may not have considered that people may have difficulty speaking (for many possible reasons). Maybe you can tell them you have trouble speaking and request they accommodate by giving some questions ahead so you can type it out or maybe they can just email back and forth? Or let them choose between one or two verbally spoken sentences versus paragraphs written? It might depend on the purpose of what they are trying to achieve with this.

[@deborahposthuma3337]

I was frightened to death in a communication class. I'd always try to volunteer first to do my speeches. I thought I was the only one. It took me half the course to see that everyone had some fear, lol. I was the worst, I think. Just do it though. It may take a while but practice made me almost perfect. At least I can speak in front of crowds and sometimes enjoy it!

[@deborahposthuma3337]

Good outlines of what you want to say makes you well prepared and that reduces the stress for me.

[@tinaayer801]

Please please please make a course on unmasking. Im really struggling and nobody is doing these guides. They are all just telling us what masking is, not helping us understand the origins and how to stop doing it. I will definitely join to see that.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It’s in the works! Should be out soon.

[@heidemandshow]

Im 36 and on a waiting list to be analyzed for autism (my son is on the spectrum). Anyway, I just have to say that watching your videos is so comforting to me. Feels like we could be besties 🥰 thankyou!!

[@shion_lwn]

Recently I got a dual diagnosis (ADHD&ASD). Im female in the 40s. I also have child trauma. When I told my therapist about dual diagnosis, she knew that I definitely had ADHD, but she seemed surprised with my ASD diagnosis. Today, I had a chat with someone who I had worked with for a while ( I feel comfortable around her). I told her my diagnosis and struggles. then she said that she believed she had seen "true me" at work: 'laugh out loud rolling on the floor' when we were working together. That made me think and confused about my own self. A moment I enter my work, I am in a setressed/alerted mode. I do not like crossing people and having to say hi. but I can laugh hard around only a few coworkers I feel absolutely comfortable with. So, I don't think people know I hide my struggles behind my mask, and even when I am comfortable with certain coworkers, I am still under stress. Yesterday, I learned that child trauma and autism have very similar symptoms. That is really confusing me, like Did I get misdiagnosed my symptoms as ASD instead of PTSD?? When I was a child, I don't think I was showing obvious ND signs. I was internalizing everything. if adults who got diagnosed ND late in life and if they also had child trauma, what is the draw line there ??

[@alejandro-314]

I just got my official diagnosis this week, 34 years old, and I'm currently asking myself all these questions. I've realized that I partially unmasked even before knowing or suspecting I was autistic simply because I couldn't keep doing it anymore. Specifically about special interests that I felt embarrassed about and didn't pursue, but also doing activities that drained me to please people that didn't accept me anyway. Thanks for this video! And letting me have a retrospective "aha moment": oh I was unmasking without even knowing

[@Emmie_24]

Thank you so much!!! I really needed to hear this. Dont know if I am autistic yet, but I know I mask and have been wanting to figure out who I really am. I found that I love doing creative makeup.

[@mootbooxle]

Thank you! thank you! thank you! I’m 40 and I always knew I was ADHD but ran from the diagnosis until last year. Since being diagnosed (and medicated) finally, I began to research the “disorder” more earnestly, and what I kept running into were the comorbidities between it and Autism…so I decided to take all the assessments that are available online, and I was shocked by the results. I was born in 1983. Slipped right under the radar because I learned to mask like a pro by age 5. I have been masking so hard that I was completely shocked and devastated by the truth staring me in the face: I’m autistic. AuDHD (as it has been called) is a very strange neurotype. I feel like I’ve been working actively against myself all my life. I so want to understand who I am and how to thrive…I have so much to give, I just keep derailing myself over and over! Interestingly, since getting on ADHD meds, I’ve found that (what I now know as) my autistic traits are much harder for me to keep a lid on. Sometimes it’s a wonderful gift and sometimes it’s a horrible curse. But we autists are here at this space/time for a reason! There are so many of us….it’s been wonderful to hear countless others’ stories that match my own! It’s been so validating. I have finally learned to really love myself.

[@kdcraft89]

For me, it gets down to point of view. If I'm looking at myself from "outside" to evaluate my appearance, behavior, etc., almost as if through the eyes of others, that is masking. If I'm viewing the world from within, thinking my own thoughts, perceiving my own world, not paying attention to how others see me, or might see me, that is unmasking. Totally different experiences. Being in social situations is a burden because of overstimulation and the need to mask..

[@IllyDragonfly]

In my private life I'm very silent, collected, barely smile, I have been told by close family members and even my boyfriend that they have to pull words out of me with an iron tongue. At my job I keep being pointed at like the chatterbox, the one who keeps chatting at the end of the shift. They really don't get it, and some said multiple times that I look like I 'snorted cocaine' before coming to work. They really don't understand I overcompensate because my job requires an unholy contact with the public and that I feel nervous and overstimulated the entire shift until it's finally time to go and I can breathe freely again. :( I keep trying to tell them that I'm an introvert, that i do not like to chat with people, that at home it's mom who keeps chatting while I just say 'mhm' once in a while, but I guess I'm not credible :( They would probably not recognize me if I went selective mute like I do when I'm completely burned out. They would call me 'pissed off'. :( Stupid fucking masking.

[@RatsPicklesandMusic]

Part of my unmasking journey was cutting most of my hair off. It being long had been a sensory nightmare for over a decade and I finally cut it. Felt So ME.

[@heathertoomey7068]

Seek to understand yourself, not judge yourself. Same with other people! Helps me forgive!

[@candycfrrodgers7278]

I’m 53. You have helped me very much. Thank you.

[@kengelina]

It’s funny, I think I started to unmask in certain ways before I knew I was autistic. Like I realised crowds and parties are not for me years ago and started spending time with friends I can really be myself with one on one instead. I also let a lot of false friendships fall away. Now it’s more about being honest if I make a plan but then don’t feel up to it. And letting myself talk passionately about the things I’m into.

[@maryhazlett]

I have a huge body-brain disconnect. I often think of the episode in the original Star Trek called Spock's Brain. His brain is taken to be used as the energy source on their planet. I wrote yesterday the I feel "I'm" an "Observer". I observe from the outside, witnessing how I interact with others. Whether I was wearing a mask or not I was almost universally rejected. When I unmasked, I was rejected. All throughout school, my mom (who I sincerely believe was autistic) would say - attempting to help my social issues - "if you'd only be this way" try that" "they'll like you if..." and so on. Nothing worked. The subliminal message was "in and of yourself you're not worth other's attention. I'm worthless." And I digested that. I live in my head, and the only time I feel unmasked is when I'm alone. I'm "responsive" to nuances in other people, and know they think I'm not with their time.

[@emmamunro7208]

I was wondering if someone might answer a question for me. I was diagnosed about 6 months ago at 39. All my life I was told I had ADHD, As a teen I was diagnosed bipolar and OCD. I was wondering if anyone else with Autism suffers with crazy moods! I get high, but the lows are so bad it's awful, really awful. And can last for weeks. They are saying I don't have Bi polar anymore and it's Autism. I'm so confused. Thankyou if you have read this far ❤

[@pedrova8058]

depression, OCD, ADHD, are recurrent comorbidities in the population on the spectrum As we become adults, the social demands are increasing and that can lead to depression. In adolescence, what generates anxiety is the desire to belong, to feel like others. That's why it's super important for people on the spectrum to take care of their mental health. I hope that with the recent diagnosis things will improve little by little, understanding yourself better is always a relief

[@gloriamurley385]

That description of your skin crawling happens to me when I'm masking. Afterwards I want to shower.

[@Jenna.g.85]

Growing older I felt embarrassed to still like mermaids so I suppressed it but as an adult I found that there's a whole community of all ages that are also interested in mermaid stuff

[@genefulm]

Masks are great once you understand why you use them. I use them to when speaking to managers or having to speak to large groups. It's a superpower if you ask me.

[@kimicope_]

When I'm heavily masked I feel like I'm only in my head and the inner monologue won't shut up. When I'm the most at ease my mind is completely silent so much so that I question if I'm disassociating because of how peaceful it is. I'm trying now to find a balance between body and mind so that I'm not walking into danger because of how relaxed I get. So even tho,socially it is safe sometimes to mask, even practically I need to mask a little so that I don't pick up a poisonus spider that may bite me because I think it's beautiful or making sure I'm aware of my surroundings because many times on nature walks I love to look up at the clouds, birds on the cable lines and I love to admire the wild follage but I know I need to at least look around me to make sure there's no threats. I really appreciate this video because as a late diagnosis it's good not to feel too much pressure to basically undo a lot that I learned but more so to add things that I took away, like stimming or feeling like it's okay for me to say no to social events and take a day to lay under a weighted blanket if I need to without any shame.

[@SkyWalker820]

Thank you so much for this. I love glass blowing and art, hiking and traveling, yoga, dance, learning… you’re so great at sharing your nurturing, intuition and healing with us ❤.

[@WarriorQueen1993]

Hey there! Just popping in the say I really loved this video. I am 29 years old and I was diagnosed 11 months ago. I really love that you are speaking out about how we don't need to put pressure on ourselves to unmask and that sometimes masking is important and helpful in this world. I have been struggling with unmasking (I REALLY want to, but figuring out how has been hard for me!). Recently I have been reading a book about social rules because I have really severe struggles when it comes to socializing and friendships. I found it to be helpful in a million different ways. I recently posted about it and someone lashed out at me in the comments because they believe that understanding social rules is just an indirect way of "forcing yourself to mask" and is incredibly damaging. It made me overwhelmed and confused at first and I was beating myself up. I eventually came to the conclusion that for ME, understanding social rules is really important, because of how intensely my autism-related deficits in social understanding have intensely affected my friendships and social interactions. It's validating to hear that I shouldn't be pressuring myself to be 100% unmasked 100% of the time. You made so many awesome points! I love the examples you provided to try to feel more connected. I love the judgemental vs. curious issue and the closet metaphor. I'm actually going to try to implement that into my own life! Listening to what my body says to me has been crucial to understanding sensory/emotional triggers. I have a long list of serious medical issues and CPTSD, so I often don't feel connected to my body at all. I'm still learning. I think I'm going to try to schedule a time to cultivate intentional mindfulness of my body into my schedule. Thank you for your insights 💜

[@alexpert]

Found finally out at 72, a year ago, that I had not lived "my" life but a mascarade and a shame at all the mistakes and misbehaviour that peppered my many tryout for being an "allistic human"... Still struggling but so many automatisms are still on the way. Even wondered if my now deceased wife really knew me through our lifelong love. Still so many questions...

[@JessieCarty]

I think the hardest part about unmasking is at work. Because there are things I "need" to do that I don't want to, especially with meetings lol

[@T.T.M.60]

Figuring out who I really was after I found out I was Autistic was so helpful. I am truly a more peaceful person, where I used to be a big ball of stress trying to be like everyone else. I still mask in certain situations but not nearly as much as I used to.

[@alexadellastella5247]

thanks for your video! what is difficult is when we still mask in some circumstances hence we are making efforts and this is used against us by people or even doctors, health professionals who dismiss or minimise our diagnosis as if it were nothing serious. Yetif we do not mask enough, we are at risk to not get what we need and appear as rude to some people, too direct and simply be misinterpreted cos there is no double meaning to our sentences, yet most people read things we do not mean.... it has happened to me lately with a doctor who told me if you were autistic how come you haven't been diagnosed as a child! even though i told him and gave him the autistic diagnosis I have received from 2 different psychiatrists.... he also told me that society was not going to adapt to me, I was the one who had to adapt.... I mean people are so violent psychologically especially in the medical fiel I have noticed, it is as if their medical title made them as God and all knowing on every subject related to medicine even when it is not their speciality.... I mean he obviously knows nothing about camouflage and i didn't even bother to mention it to him since he would say that it is a trend and isn't even possible.... neurotypicals who have never had any problems and are in a postion of power can be so abusive..... I hate it!

[@TubbyTilly]

I am free when I am playing Minecraft. I just get so lost and next thing I know it's been 12 hours and I just realized that I've not eaten. But dang did I just build/design that castle wall.

[@MySkillfulmeans]

This is very helpful. Thank you. ❤

[@autidiscovery]

Love your channel and this is such a helpful video!

[@threshasketch2655]

Hey, thank you for this video. I'm 36, and after much research for the past year or so, I believe I'm on the spectrum. I'm having a lot of internal struggle with trying to figure out how to unmask without coming across as rude or mean (have had numerous occasions where people interpret me as angry or harsh when my intentions weren't at all, even misinterpretations by people who have known me all of my life.) The advice about paying attention to your body here is great, and yoga is truly one of the things that makes me feel at peace. It's more than just stretching the body and deep breathing, but very soothing for the mind too. It's tough not to feel like an impostor who isn't REALLY autistic since I've managed to get by until now (but at what exhausting cost?) The many comments from late-diagnosed and self-diagnosed folks here are really comforting.

[@cyrillllll]

This was so helpful! Thank you

[@cooldev161177]

Thank you, I am not autistic but you did bring up pointers that I think we should all pay attention to, like the mind body connection

[@michaelanthony279]

You are so helpful. Thank you.

[@steveneardley7541]

Excellent content on this channel.

[@joyh6770]

Hello :) Thank you for another video, I always look forward to them. This has been on my mind for a while, I was wondering about your perspective on how autism and complete exhaustion tie together. And possibly some ways to deal with it better? I am in my 20s, work full time, and basically have no energy whatsoever to follow any special interest or hobbies on my days off. One of your recent videos about autistic joy actually kind of made me sad because I am so depleted from masking all week that I have literally nothing left in my person to pursue anything fun. I want this to improve but am unsure of exactly how to accomplish that. Anyways, have a good evening 🙂

[@MithMathy]

Joy, is there a way you can mask less at work? I have adhd and treating it with meds helped me to feel less exhausted. It also helps to have fidget/stim toys with me in meetings, to adjust my environment at my desk, and have periods in the day where I don't feel "watched" (I'm working independently and no one is looking over my shoulder so if I need to doodle for a moment or Google something that popped into my mind I can just be myself and do that and naturally return my focus back to work instead of forcing it all day long)

[@joyh6770]

@MithMathy Thank you for your perspective. I have been trying to change jobs for a while and I am actually changing direction from customer service oriented vet clinic work to conducting wildlife surveys in the woods. Animals are my special interest and I have been trying to find a "real" job that involves that. I find walking for hours to be way more soothing than trying to talk to customers. Fingers crossed this better 🤞

[@chloechristodoulou7025]

This was so wonderful and helpful. Your descriptions are so accurate! Thank you.

[@ChrisZemdegs]

Thank you 🙏

[@Fred-ff6bv]

i have less compassion for myself since being diagnosed.

[@WarriorQueen1993]

Also, SUPER interested in the course! :D

[@jonathaniszorro]

This is very helpful, thank you

[@valerietorres482]

This is exactly the video I needed right now. Thank you for this and all the work you do. I started my journey three months ago with your common traits chart video, and now I am preparing to announce my findings to loved ones next week at my 30th birthday party. Your videos have been invaluable aids, and I hope to become a more involved member of this community when I am ready. Until then, please know I am watching and gaining vital insight from your work. Thank you.

[@manuelafrutschi5781]

Hi, I just got diagnosed with ASD on May 4th. May 5th was my birthday. It was a nice present, because, things make more sense now and I have explanations to why I am the way I am. I also, finally for the first time in my life, belong somewhere. Thank you for the videos you make. I just bought the shirt with the cat from your shop. I love cats, I have 4 =^..^= I don't know how it works with comments here. Leaving one anyways.

[@waynepalumbo8917]

This concepts reminds me of the movie "The Mask" with Jim Carrey when he's talking to Ben Stein about his book "the masks we wear".

[@leahmariepeterson8572]

This video is exactly what I needed right now! I was diagnosed just a few weeks ago and I’m trying to embark on the staggeringly involved process of integrating this new identity/understanding into my life. This video gave me a lot of good stuff to think about. Thank you 💗

[@malachi_k0nstant668]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for talking about CPTSD! I've been searching for places online where it's even just mentioned in the context of comorbidity with autism.

[@SunePors1]

This is some of the best advice I've heard on unmasking!

[@MysteryGrey]

I love your mic!!! I can hear you! I appreciate you!