How to find Radical Acceptance

[@sushmayen]

Acceptance means we accept nothing will change or improve but we keep on going to find inner peace.

[@Earthether]

To me acceptance is moving to peace inside and realize the outside probably isn’t gonna change much .. so what I have co trip over is the inside .. work on that . Let the outside go: allow bit love away from bad juju. ( I call it that bad juju) Bad juju is always trying to devour and tear apart it never is satiated

[@QUANTSCALE]

Totally, work with what you know and accept brick walls don't move, we must.

[@t_nels]

It is real, painful, and ongoing. Build trust in yourself.

[@audienceof14ever]

Ruminating has helped me replay incidents without the gaslighting. It leads me to a painful but necessary place to accept what really happened.

[@lisahilton8842]

Great point about the rumination helping you process the gaslighting! I also ruminate a lot and have found it helpful to process all the lies AND the truth!

[@NarcSurvivor]

You have to accept what you’re dealing with. Rather than denying it because it’s too painful or too shameful. You have to accept that you fell prey to a narcissist. The healing cannot begin without acceptance.

[@erinward2983]

Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your validation is CRITICAL when, like you said, the mainstream doesn't get this, and it is all so real. You are a compass. Essential. Rumination sucks, but there's a reason for it. Our minds are processing something confusing and frustrating. We need to release it and to release it we have to realize it's there.

[@karenshaw607]

Thank you that helps me.

[@erinward2983]

@@karenshaw607 ❤️I’m glad. Your thank you helps me in return. We’ve gotta help each other.

[@karenshaw607]

@@erinward2983 I agree, we need each other always!!

[@mkuhnle3987]

I am stuck in marriage to the covert narcissist. We are both too poor to separate. Retired in poor financial planning....long story 🙄. Low contact is working to maintain sanity. Radical acceptance takes time to understand that he will not ever change, and I must live life finding peace and even joy where I can. I did not even know until recently that I was not nuts, all these years of gaslighting, sent me to therapy which he refused ~ because I'm the problem 🙃 ~ . I'm so glad and relieved to have found you Dr. Ramani. No one outside of my home understands any of this and they Don want to hear it, because he's such a nice guy to all he meets.

[@Hardcorrrie]

Damn. The line “could you change your personality?” And boom no more ruminating. Thanks doc.

[@jokendrick2124]

I learned to let things go. I don't forget. So I just don't focus on it or put myself in a position to be abused again. There are too many pleasant things to focus on and enjoy. Can't change them, the narcissists... Not going to waste time thinking about it. It is what it is.

[@justjulie4958]

Don't get to thinking when you're tired. It'll only send you down the path of sadness. I find that rumination rears it's ugly head when you are physically or emotionally tired. Remember your physiology and take notes on your energy level when it starts.

[@cyny6305]

I'm lucky to sleep two hours a night in the past 15 months. Makes everything worse. These people can make sleep impossible.

[@TouchdownJesusMB]

I am sorry about your sleep struggles~ Pharmacist rec. for me: 🩷sleepy time tea 🩷Myocalm Plus/Myocalm by Metagenics 🩷Regular bedtime 🩷Bubble bath before bed 🩷Meditation by Jason Stephenson (use ear buds) or put in earplugs 🩷sleep mask Blessings for Peace & Restorative Sleep!💞💞💞 ​@@cyny6305

[@atanamorell2]

I agree. Sometimes my body thinks I am depressed or anxious, but the fix ends up being sleep or a good meal rather than a mental health fix. I'm 54 and just starting to catch this pattern. It's hard because when I get depressed or anxious it often disrupts my ability to sleep and eat, so those feelings get all tangled up.

[@maggiemay8622]

Mother’s Day is coming and I’m already and dreading it.

[@karenshaw607]

I hate mothers day my daughter won't speak. 😢

[@atanamorell2]

Me too... and I'm the mom 😮

[@idunno6480]

I’d be a basket case being three months out from the discard if it weren’t for Dr Ramani. With her I’m where it would have taken me 2 years of confusion to arrive. And then I would have still been confused. But I’m way ahead and knowledgeable about narcissism. God bless you Dr Ramani!

[@kellybangura4294]

If I knew my behavior was hurting someone else, I would change it and try to be better.

[@margaritaramos7643]

I’m struggling. I will move out. Started the process. Spoke to the kids. Today I’ve been crying randomly. Hurt about it. Frustrated about this break up. Angry at my self for even thinking for a second he should see the pain he’s caused. When I know there is NO point in discussing it or thinking about it. My mind goes there. So I cry. Feel drained and low. Now I think how I was months ago and there is improvement. So greatful for it. I forget when the thoughts crew on me how much I’m doing and how determined I am. To want respect and not put up with this nonsense. I forget. And have to remind myself. It’s the mental war I’m going through. Letting go of those dreams while making new ones. I’m on it though.

[@JohannaVanDreumel]

You are already beginning your New Life journey, by acknowledging the issue, IT,S NOT YOU, Remember as difficult as it is in the beginning Having peace, tranquillity and finding your true self, is paramount

[@valiizajames925]

👏🏾💐👏🏾💐👏🏾

[@aalampara7853]

I am in same situation like you sister, after struggling with my spouse, I am drained and exhausted leaving my kids 😢😢 with her breaks my heart! But I have to decide to stay there for my kids in future to secure their future. This narcissistic person never changes! Waited for too long 😢😢😢

[@lelerussell3623]

Your best life lies ahead. Believe.

[@TheLove1Makes]

Dr Ramani is a life saver. She breaks this down the bad human traits with compassion and professionalism. Lets talk it out if you can.

[@bettinarossi7908]

You are a gem of a therapist💎...and have helped me greatly through your videos.Thank you.❤ My wonderful boyfriend also, has listened to my ruminations,ad nauseum,without judgement but,with helpful thoughts of support.He has helped me immensely. I am blessed.❤🙏

[@JudeScott007]

I started crying while telling someone about the betrayal...then stopped and said (clearly talking to myself) "Stop it--You are not a victim! You are wasting mote time-- Its time to be happy- It's time for joy!"

[@eleanororourke1057]

So denying your own experiences is better then ? Expressing emotional pain isn't always easy, but being authentic regarding your feelings/emotions is far more healthier.

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

I agree with you. It's hard not too if one is sensitive. ❤​@eleanororourke1057

[@MicheleLHarvey]

I had a similar response to that article. In a way psychology can be like the law, in that it only works if everyone agrees to play nice. Beyond that, it's the wild west without rules or paths forward. For myself, embracing the actuality feels safest the most right. Accepting It for what it is has given me back myself, my truth, my beliefs, my perception & intuition. BTW, I prefer 'witnessing' to 'grey-rocking." It's just assuming a witnessing stance, which allows you to watch it happen impassively & see the machinations & patterns clearly, enabling self-protection.

[@Nothingbutlovehere369]

Witnessing. Yes. I’ve done that and explained it to others. I explain it like this: “When the crazy parade arrives, I stay on the sidewalk, observe, maybe I wave, maybe I don’t, but I watch it go by. I definitely do NOT join in it. Distance with an invisible barrier.

[@mariehughey5390]

I love the section on multiple truths. I did that on myself. Being raised feeling invisible (invalidated and gaslit) I had a hard time knowing me and accepting me. I took one page and instead of judging myself, I just started spilling out all my qualities and preferences. EVERYthing! The mix was enlightening and made me okay with my human imperfections and it freed me to be me. Highly recommend!

[@TheLove1Makes]

I really like that Dr Ramani speaks from empathy and compassion about the narcissist people. She gives 100% from her Heart. And she is so helpful . Thanks

[@sondra4789]

Your videos are the only ones online that 100% fit my experience with my covert narc. Thank you!!

[@elizabethbettencourt1116]

I woke up wondering just about this! The rumination is so complicated! Lean in, and it hurts! I never imagined I'd be here in a million years and most don't understand! I thank God for your life work, and the support I have found. Grief overload is very real.

[@yolondagoode9656]

I pray for all you that have children with narcasist, it has to be so difficult but stay strong & listen to all of Dr Ramanis advice. ❤

[@youngblood8540]

After narcissistic abuse, your worse enemy is your memory. The only way of stopping rumination is if you're lucky enough to get AMNESIA.

[@Weltliteratur-]

Amnesia, the loss of memory and Alzheimer is surely not the cure but another burden. In addition, to forget means the risk to repeat. Memory is your best friend to learn and stay away from repetition of abuse.

[@UteNagel]

😂

[@thecornucopiasystem]

As someone with DID due to narc abuse, many times not even your amnesia can save you from rumination. It just shows up as anxiety, self-sabotage, and toxic core beliefs. The body and everyone/everything else remembers, even if "you" can't 😢

[@foxygayla]

It was a joke, people. It made me laugh because that's the only way we can forget about the narcissist. Get real.

[@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht]

I stopped ruminating yearssss ago.

[@lotusflower8]

Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani I can't tell you how much I needed to hear this today. ✨️💛

[@baileywalden23]

Thank you Dr Ramani for these videos. It’s the only source of knowledge and power I can find on my own to help on this healing journey. I’m 23 with a 1 year old girl & 2 year old boy, we left our 37 year old narc last week and are living in a domestic violence shelter. They don’t have the resources I had hoped so I thank God for your daily videos and podcasts! God bless you❤

[@Scissor.sharp.]

This is so me! I can ale my mind stop ! My mother took everyone in my life ! I have nothing but my thoughts 😢

[@demigaines5644]

Finding Radical Acceptance Is The Act Of Being In Reality Regarding The Relationship You Have With The Narcissists Accepting The Narcissists Behavior Getting Into Reality That This Person Will Never Change Having Absolutely No Hope…

[@valster6254]

talking about it is a fantastic way to "accept" the reality and change YOUR behaviour

[@karenshaw607]

Gawd I struggle with rumination. I am constantly yelling STOP at myself!!!

[@ENR400]

I’m sorry you are going through that. It does get better. When I was struggling with that, I remember catching myself and making my mind come back to the present. Like, if I was driving and my mind started wandering into the black hole, I would literally say in my head, “I am touching the steering wheel” or “ I am turning the corner” or whatever it was. I know it was corny, but it served me as a distraction from going deep into the ruminating. Sounds goofy, but it helped bring me back to the presence and the physical stuff around me at that time. Good luck. ❤

[@Weltliteratur-]

To write it all down by handwriting helps to get it out.

[@karenshaw607]

​@ENR400 thanks. It's better than it used to be but it's a constant relation to the silent treatment from my daughter. 8 yes. I find myself ruminating on the past and what caused this. 😢 no win situation . But I keep trying.

[@yolondagoode9656]

The more I journal on what I'm ruminating about the less I seam to ruminate

[@pinkmeadows]

Good morning everyone! have a wonderful, peaceful day!!!❤❤❤ ☀️☀️☀️

[@sharonthompson672]

You too 🖐️🙂

[@sca7068]

I've been a member here for 2 years at least. I finally went to custody court with my narc ex and it feels like I totally blew it. I didn't say the things the judge was looking for to make a compelling enough case for myself and I'm devastated. Their behavior is so frustrating and sad regarding parenting. I have good days and bad but I'm ready to accept that I'll have to deal with him forever. Thank you for your content it matters so so much.

[@mjblazy]

After the divorce was final I did no content. Children are adults. Their father will try to trigger them to pull me in. They watch these videos for help too. 😊

[@Maria-ld9tz]

The multiple truths discussion is exceptionally helpful.

[@yolondagoode9656]

One thing that has helped me with rumination is the ick list ( it just keep growing! ) and journaling helps me to stop playing certain incidents over & over in my head.

[@kyramurphy9578]

I tried a low-contact approach with my ex who was a malignant narcasist... needless to say that it was not enough. It did help create enough space between us for me to see clarity in the situation and the method of control & see just how unhappy & mistreated I was. Things happened, some stalking, threats... and I was able to get a restraining order and go fully no contact. Best decision I ever made was going no contact! Your videos are immensely helpful thank you for all the knowledge you share

[@LibraryBP2]

Rumination is like talking into a tape recorder and continually playing it back. It may help because the tape recorder isn't real, but at those moments you realize that you are real and need to hear who YOU really are.

[@jeannieotb8491]

Thank you so 'much for explaining the multiple truths and why i find it so difficult to break away because it was so complicated and so are the emotions around it. Not being able to leave, cos house not sold, and the delay in being able to leave makes it worse as I am obliged to look at the failure of this 34 year relationship everyday. I am so frustrated with my life at the moment i can barely function and control my anger at the whole state of affairs.

[@Earthether]

Dr Ramini. You are saving my life

[@konbonwa]

I grew up being scapegoated by a violent high spectrum narcissist father. I realized when I was a legal adult and in a long distance low contact relationship with my family that my father would never apologize for stealing my childhood. I also realized that even if my father ever did apologize for abusing me that I was never going to accept his apology for ruining the first 18 years of my life because there was no way he could adequately apologize for the scope of the harm he had done to me.

[@psychoekpaideusi]

This video has been SO helpful for me.Thank you so much.❤This explains a lot.You are so... YOU, as a therapist😊😊 educated, well informed,clever,successful, but yet compassionate❤funny and truly HUMAN and SWEET. Your videos,including in their information all these aspects of you,brought actual positive change to my life and, to a great extent, a different way of thinking.🙏🙏🙏

[@Liz-wz8dh]

This is so true. I find that MOST of the content I read about mental health just seems vague. I've been saying this for years. It's been a source of deep annoyance for me, particularly when people who read these pop psych sources like to pretend like reading a couple of articles fixed all their issues. I know they're lying and I feel gaslighted when I talked to people in this space sometimes.

[@TheKrispyfort]

"Stacking multiple truths" Using "and" instead of "but" has helped me deal with other people. I started using "and" instead of "but" when discussing Life with my kids. With them being U21yo, I see the frustration in them due to what I've taught them compared to the observed behaviour of others, and I wonder if I did them a disservice 😢 AND THEN I remind myself that the adult world needs such awareness

[@leviwhite3553]

My strategy has been reflecting on what needs to be relayed before vocalizing it. That extra couple of minutes really can make you realign yourself.

[@kathystorer9514]

Agreeable introvert, you hit the nail on the head Dr Ramani. I've been that way as far back as I can remember. Unfortunately I was always called the shy one, the quiet one, and tend to have trusted people in the past. I sure have come a long way, left a 42 year marriage and moved 18 hour drive away. I still ruminate but have improved immensely and have realised that I was too agreeable and taken advantage of. Thank you for allowing me to realise it's not me, and they don't change.❤

[@patriciafry8634]

Low contact, and using yellow-rocking and firewall online, with several extended family members-really, really works! Had a lot of pressure, a hoovering event, to attend a reunion of cousins recently, but held my ground (suffered serious triangulation and demeaning tactics) and politely had a “conflict” and stuck to it. A complete relief to avoid three very toxic people!

[@Buster-im5so]

I attended therapy from a teen, young adult, and as a mature adult. None of them asked me about my past traumatic experiences. Nice to receive validation and pragmatic knowledge to understand and improve my life.

[@mariehughey5390]

I’ve gone completely no contact. It was basically my narc sister who initiated it. She said I was dead to her. The rest of my family of origin are part of the cult. So is my daughter. With her I am low contact. I let her initiate conversations because it work better that way.

[@pamelamoore6239]

It's my children. So heartbreaking to believe it will never change...they will never be happy. And what are they doing to their children? I am helpless to it all and need to watch out for myself.

[@turnbacktime65]

❤ so much to contemplate. I’m a proven introvert. (Career, personality tests by corporate) now that I’m retired I love being an introvert again. Early in my career I tried hard to change. I worked on my voice, my “converse about nothing skills” ( extroverts call this small talk), body language. I cannot ever change that I hate parties or gatherings. I hate being forced to socialize and fake smile. Lmao. I’ve always liked animals more than people. And books. That being said I now understand that asking my narc to be nicer, warmer, complimentary, empathetic is …uh…impossible. At least I’m gaining understanding that will help me deal with my partner. I’ve learned so much from your videos, Dr. R.thank you.

[@trudibarraclough478]

I tried low contact with my sister, at the ripe old age of 63. She is so angry that she phones me occationally and tears a strip off me within minutes about nothing. Repeating our mother ( who died 20 yrs ago) word for word. 3.5 years now. Initially I felt guilty, now my relief is palpable and I am finally healing. I AM allowed to be happy! YAHOO! I am no longer available to rescue an entitled critisizer.

[@lisahilton8842]

This is truly the BEST and most helpful info I've heard in dealing with toxic relationships and in particular, a narcissist! Dr. Ramani I left my 20 year marriage to a covert narcissist, went back to school, and became a therapist. Our adult daughter got married 6 months ago and I used many of the suggestions here to "survive" the wedding. Oh, and by the way, I am a DBT therapist and so grateful to Marsha Linehan for giving us Radical Acceptance! I appreciate all of your help and invaluable wisdom shared in dealing with narcissists!

[@sharonthompson672]

This is very helpful. I went full no contact, but I'm considering doing it in degrees as you describe, but it's definitely a walk on a tightrope, because I CANNOT get pulled back in to taking abuse. I've come too far. 🖐️

[@OctoberRust1973]

This really helps. Almost 8 years later I’ve realized that he’s not going to change. Can’t believe it took me that long to realize that. He even recently said can’t I just realize this is how he is.

[@yolondagoode9656]

No contact is def working.

[@allisonanderson5251]

Thank you Dr. Ramani! I have a narcissist ex husband and we share 1 child so low contact yellow rock is what has helped me but he still attacks me which is his personality & disordered way of living. Thank you for helping me to fully understand this and I have radical acceptance now. I have healed & grown so much because of your help! You have changed my life for the better. God bless you & thank you so much! You are touching & changing lives 🫶❤️

[@Spunky072]

It’s so hard when you share a child with a narcissist and your child is disabled. you’re on communication threads, 24/7. Thanks for the subject topic today, Dr. Ramani. You always are so insightful.

[@Steveincorp]

It is terrible, but the narcissistic parent of disabled child tries to keep them that way to get sympathy from others. SHE has an autistic child. I knew him for many years. I had lost contact when I left the relationship and hee started to live full time with his grandma away from his mom. His grandmother was able to get a restraining order on her and she has been out of his life for the past 4 yours. In that time, his grandma shared a video of him with me. In those 4 years, he has improved immensely. More improvement than I had seen in over 10 years with her. I realized the only way she was able to keep custody of her kid, was while SHE was in a relationship with me. He's doing a lot better and so am I.

[@Spunky072]

@@Steveincorp thank you for taking the time to receive my message and share your feedback. But you explain exactly what’s happening. My ex is explaining my daughter’s disability to gain attention. and does enough work to put time into it in public events and gaining him recognition but the underground maintenance of being a parent he’s absent for. It took your comment to make me realize that I thank you friend. We’re here to all knowledge and learn! God bless you! 🙏🏻

[@Steveincorp]

@Spunky072 Yeah, it is hard to bring this stuff up, but if it can help one person, it is well worth it. I can't tell other people what to do. I can only offer my experiences.

[@checkpoint-charly7628]

Pfff I feel you ,I have an autistic daughter and we are now in a healing process because we recognised that her stepsister who is an adult, first lovebombed her and then the breadcrumbing started. I called my stepdaughter out, after so many times promising my girl a facecall but not doing it,I called her flimsy which triggered her and then her true nature came out .we are still in shock here I learned about communal narcissists . Being raised by an extreme covert narcissist,super smart father. I have tried all forms to end with low contact which made it a prolonged and a heavy experience. Since he passed away I felt so so liberated, that now in this case I have become more radical and I go no contact at all also to protect my daughter, luckily my stepdaughter lives far away, for my husband it's really difficult and he has the tendency to deny and enable because it's his oldest child. True these videos he really starts to understand. Thank you so much dr ramani!

[@Steveincorp]

@@checkpoint-charly7628 It is sad that they go after people they think are the most vulnerable.

[@tongou3277]

Thank you Dr Romani! My rumination are: deep pain, duration of pain, loneliness of struggle etc. which no one understands but Dr. Romani. I wish I found Dr. Romani sooner 😢😢😢

[@ceilconstante640]

What Dr. Ramani explains at the end is always helpful to understand and realize.

[@lindavincent678]

I have never felt this way before, it sucks. My trust is floating somewhere in space. Last year I thought I was dying of some mind blowing alien, until you appeared on my screen , you brought the last guy into my eyes.

[@geml6540]

You WILL find yourself again. Radical acceptance is the first step to getting your head around it all. Helps you make sense of what's happened to you. You won't feel like this forever x

[@bananaemon2339]

I radically accept to subscribe today to your channel after months, maybe a year of watching your videos ! Thank you very much ❤

[@wishingonthemoon1]

Dr. Ramani, you are literally saving lives

[@justpeachy4393]

I need to listen to these vids from time to time just to stay sane

[@Animalsrights816]

Finally got my hands on your new book! My turn from the Kc library branch up the road from my house 🎉❤

[@tomchurch2285]

Geographical distance, and, with it, being able to have better control over the frequency of contacts. Fire-walling (Thank you Dr. Ramani for, once again, distinguishing low-contact behaviors..) But, though the process may feel automatic and like a dulling down of self over time, each contact can be a challenge (not to be pulled in to a more reactive state; at the same time, not to be unkind . . .)

[@MarziesZ3NN]

i have learned so many coping skills to hande my narc mother and her boyfriend. I watch your videos everytime I feel unsafe and unstable and this channel always gives me the confidence to know what is happening and stay strong.i just got benefits for myself, I have made a plan to get out,support myself,and never let anybody treat me with such disrespect and entitlement again 🙏

[@dyanbohannon7011]

Omg!! Your guidance is all truth! I couldn't thank you enough!!

[@Jem-if6io]

Thank you for this Dr Ramani! I can always come here and find the answers to what I am going through with my narcissist.

[@bozenakrzyzanowski8130]

Dr. Ramani, you are saving my sanity to bit by bit😊 Thank you, thank you, thank you❤️

[@laceymarkowski7192]

I'm so happy I found your channel 🤗 Suggestion for future videos: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and how birth order alters "child" development and personality characteristics. Thank you for helping me heal ❤

[@chrisc1011]

Thank you Dr Ramani for sharing your wisdom you have become like part of my family.❤️

[@ИванаТемелковска]

I am currently in the process of awaking and fighting with anger and resentment and blame and rumination... what I find helpful is the divine three integration healing the body mind and soul. In the holistic perspective I find helpful the teaching of Dolores Cannon and the Louise Hay suggestions how to heal yourself. Dolores Cannon argues the tearing up of the so-called "soul contract" with that person. Louise Hay's suggestions are connected to forgiveness to yourself and the people who harmed you, arguing that they did not really know what they were doing in terms of awareness and consciousness. They were harmed and the only thing they know is how to harm others in terms to protect their vulnerability and insecurities. These people usually ate born and raised in the same toxic environment and the only way to exist is to be toxic. They do not know about anything else. So, I hope this perspective can help people heal from the NPD abuses.

[@mistralcaydamli5268]

I’d love to hear more of the tearing of the soul contract!! ❤

[@ИванаТемелковска]

@mistralcaydamli5268 It is a concept connected to the quantum realm. The wider teaching is that all of us are souls connected deeply with the highest consciousness or the source/God, Dolores calls it subconscious, and she refers to they. The body is referred to as a costume. In the wider picture all of us decide what kind of experiences want to have when arriving on the school-which is the planet Earth. The life is a test. However, when we put on the costume we forget the truth. And we go through life collecting the experiences we have chosen and we pass the tests or we come back again in order to repeat the experiences and gain the knowledge. This is how she describes karma. In these circumstances we are signing soul contracts. We get to be a parent, a child, a spouse, a sibling... a plant a stone, etc. We get to experiences and explore everything. Because all is energy and the idea is that with all the knowledge we go back to the source and share the gained knowledge. Most importantly, Cannon shares that we are in this Earth experiences co-creators and we can tear up the previously signed soul contracts. We can do it face to face with the person, or we can just envision saying to them: I love you, I forgive you, we tried but this is not working out. So, lovingly I release you and with love and peace, I let you go.

[@VirginiaS08]

Thank you for your new book, "It's No!t You" -- so important, so helpful!

[@jclay452]

3:15 The part where you spoke about diversions or distractions, I didn’t realize that that’s what I’m doing. We binge watch tv shows together (I don’t watch any tv when he’s not around), I take naps, and I started a garden. He gets mad when I have to water the plants and he wants to watch a show. I also take our dog for daily walks. They’re all distractions from our relationship. He’s not the type to work on anything. We both grew up with overly critical parents. Just today he had me questioning myself as to if I actually give the dog a fresh food bowl everyday. I started to over explain my morning routine to “prove” myself right. A few minutes later, when I brought up how his questioning made me feel, he said, “I knew after I said it you were going to be mad. I was joking.” He left after that for a three week work trip. I’ve been sitting here this morning wondering if I was being too defensive.

[@Spunky072]

What she said sounds all too familiar to me. I do the same thing. get caught in a cycle of overexplaining. They thrive on getting us flustered and making us feel insecure.

[@singhaccount4763]

My narcissist favorite line" I knew you would get mad as soon as I said it" followed by you can't take a joke. How about that? No you were not being g defensive if a complete stranger to you uses the same line❤🤔

[@sweetestpotato4392]

He wasn’t joking if he knew it would upset you. He revealed his true goal, and his lack of remorse also confirms he is comfortable with hurting you.

[@LauraK93]

After years of efforts with multiple therapists, I have to say that this video has finally given me the insights I needed to begin to accept my situation of needing to cut off interactions with my malignantly narcissistic mother. Even after many years of relative peace and success in establishing healthy relationships with a spouse of 30 years and two grown children, I've felt guilty and haunted by what I know to be my mother's feelings of victimization because I'm so familiar with her way of looking at things. I'm not willing to deal with interacting with her and her abuse any longer, but still struggling with the feelings... perhaps still wishful thinking that I could put up with it and deal with it more effectively. No, I just have to learn to accept the reality.

[@heathercarter7987]

Soul distancing. Very well stated.

[@cherrybacon3319]

I have found lately that i don't feel afraid to think of my Narc, not that i make a point of doing so. My distraction are myself and my family, whilst being able to stand my boundaries. 🍒

[@aldelgado9343]

My trauma story growing up, Dad left us, parents got divorced, mom had múltiple partners, i had older narcisist brothers, i was beaten up , gaslighted, trauma bonded, belittled, molested by older brother, forgotten by my parents, took care of my younger siblings, mom wasnt around. im in my early 50's stuck, poor, but married to a wonderfull person and father to 1, im trying to figure out who am i.

[@JMLCK78]

Your channel is a godsent.

[@3lfruler]

So grateful for this channel. The last few minutes explain my aunt to a T. It just really sucks because she's the gatekeeper to my grandma. Who is my only left living grandparent. Things started to go downhill in December when I asked to stay three nights around christmas. She said I could stay but 3 is too much. My heat was off so I was just wondering a few days of being in the warmth, with my cat as well. Anyway some forward a couple months and she's the one screaming at me and cursing at me. I hang up. Then my aunt of course in a different way to tell my grandma her involvement leaves a bunch out. Now neither one of them are talking to me and going to be moving 3 hours south of me. It makes me really sad. I can't spend time with my 84 year old grandma.

[@newsteps3876]

I find that i sm very angry and feel like prey. I will survive, however, seasons always change.

[@TheKrispyfort]

"Rumination" You mean those intrusive thoughts resulting from our brain's poor cognitive coordination due to repeated injury and/or illness to our experience of trauma, psyche and/or physical?

[@JudeScott007]

Acceptance here is like giving up all hope of having a different past.

[@elisangelacastello4702]

Very good video. Thanks 🙏 Dr. Ramani. I am an introvert and an empath, my few, but dear friends say. I deal with an narcissistic person at work. She is also in a position of power (I won’t call her out as you advised). I do low contact in the form of, every time I am on shift with her, I put boundaries on myself and disengage (grey rock). But she latches on to me like a parasite 🦠, very clingy. She is also competitive, spiteful, jealous, always running game, messing up with my timetable, all sorts. I show patience, I am humble, or otherwise do not deal with her at all. I do not blame her ( I own up to my emotions after unhelpful interactions) and I do not confront her ( we can’t change them), even when I see she is trying to benefit herself to the detriment of me. I enjoy my job, and some of my colleagues are very nice people. Simultaneous truths. Sometimes the rumination is terrible and it gets me anxious 😬, unstable. But I remind myself of what you said, that this confusion is part of it. I do laughing 😂 yoga 🧘🏻. And I try to think about my surroundings , to be in the moment as you mentioned. 🎭 Comedy is helping me a lot. I resent this relationship sometimes because I think of the narcissistic person as a burden I have to carry. But I will get there, this radical acceptance. This having to overdo compassion for the sake of myself and others that are more healthy than the narcissist. Still I do not go to the happy hour 🍻; because it is all about the narcissistic person anyway. It would be a waste of my time. The song 🎧 “Be humble sit down 🪑” Kendrick Lemar helps me when I need to grey rock, watching the narcissistic person monopolize the conversations at work and invalidating every one. Basically, me being humble and do what I wish the narcissistic person could do. And it is difficult 😥. So you are right! It’s hard for us to change, so better to lower our expectations with the narcissistic person. I do not talk about the rumination with my dear friends anymore. It would be repeating myself, and probably too much for my friends. Mindfulness 🧘🏻 is the answer. But I still resent the headspace, this insane person takes sometimes. Because I could be meditating about someone else, more significant to me. The narcissist is a “Waste woman” as we say in slang, in the UK 🇬🇧.

[@rosenblau]

Help! Been doing low contact with narcissistic dad. Mom is doing it too since I educated her about your teaching. We don't argue, defend, explain, ask for help, nor give him anything he can weaponize. Now he's even worse, constantly baiting, looking for something to blow up about (the smallest mundane things), raising his voice at her about nothing, being like a ticking bomb... and we literally feel huge hate in the way he talks to her and looks at her. It's this insane predatory look. It's scary. Will this ever lessen, will it stop? It's been more than a month since he doesn't get supply like he used to and he is 70 and at home so it's unlikely that he'll find another target. Any advice?

[@Ines_949]

no contact

[@kriworld08]

Thank you so much for speaking out about what I truly believe should be such an important topic in our society today. Rumination I think leads to, (please don’t hesitate to correct me) complacency. I feel that complacency is so dangerous. Especially to individuals who may not have a complete understanding of the major importance of ATOMIC HABITS!!!

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

Coparenting is sad…we do things together but he yells at me a lot in front of her and keeps trying to put me in a mental hospital. There’s no winning he gets triggered and threatens. His dad does that. I’m disappointed in the system, they sent a social worker to my house in Chicago and she was flirting with my ex husband just dumb people all around. It’s hard to take any of this seriously it looked like a joke. I feel bad all around this happened. I joke a lot so I can’t keep my mouth shut it’s how I cope

[@lindabell6954]

Rumination is actually good for me. It helps me to work toward moving forward. Sometimes I think about things for a few days and I usually feel better afterward. I find solutions.and plan how I can handle difficult scenarios. I will never get over some things that happened. And I don’t expect to. I can protect myself though. To not let it happen again.

[@ranc1977]

I find the same issue with social anxiety tips and advice - it is the same as in article of New York Times where social anxiety is explained away as some mere shyness issue. And when I write comment - 90 percent of authors write me back that social anxiety that they describe is not that serious or deep. And then I reply to them - well anyone struggling with social anxiety does not have shyness issue - otherwise they would live their life, they would not spend precious time in watching care free video about social anxiety being explained away as a hallucination thing.

[@HillaryDePanthera]

❤🙏🙏🙏❤ thank you. These situations are not clear cut.

[@lindavincent678]

I can tell you every nail coming thru the new roof

[@Narcissist_survivor]

When my x dissuaded me and our children, I was devastated,… couldn’t stop talking about him. Self blame, etc, etc. He was, in my mind, “the white knight” aka my savior. Now, 27 years later, I see him for what he was; an evil narcissist. I now see clearly why I was so hung up, ruminating for years.

[@TheKrispyfort]

"Firewall" the physical wall between the car engine and cabin, designed to protect occupants from the heat of the engine. Sounds like low-contact to me

[@lisahilton8842]

Love this example of a "firewall" thank you!

[@TheKrispyfort]

@@lisahilton8842 Just describing the OG firewall. However, full thanks should go to my father, the motorhead who told me what that part is called.

[@Ozy-te1rr]

I am so lucky I went no contact with my mom thanks to my flying monkey sister

[@new_earth_2024]

😂🤭🙌

[@soniahathaway1]

I figured it all out the same way. 👌

[@NolaCaffey]

POV from a crone who's been through it all, given up on justice and lost my family to narcissism. If you can't avoid their power, bust them, get them busted, inspire or shame them, spot them before you've invested, nor ever expect change, you are left with an emotional and intellectual impasse. One thing you can do is to be aware in any situation of the balance of cooperation and competition. They are not mutually exclusive, nor can you choose to only compete or only cooperate with others. We do both all the time, without awareness. Once you pay attention to how you balance cooperation and competition - and how openly - it is easier to notice how to do them functionally and recognize when it is dysfunctional in any given moment. You will notice love-bombing and hoovering as dysfunctional cooperation and triangulation and lying as dysfunctional competition. Do not fear your own company, but cherish and nurture yourself. And, as Ms. Maya advised, when someone shows you who you are, believe them the first time.

[@theyellowshoe]

I'm 5 minutes in, there are times I want to scream & yank my hair in so much frustration! I can't leave the narcissist cause he lives here also. I just don't have the funds to go get my own place, so I treat him like an annoying roommate. I do crocheting, watch videos, do by-weekly shopping, enjoy the little things I have (I have the coolest can opener), talk & take of my old dog & young cat. I used to play Sims 4 to use as Anger Management therapy, until my computer died ( have to get another one). I'm living with a toddler in an adult body, & I'm not a fan of kids 🤦‍♀️

[@brianthomas3910]

Ruminating is like rocking the car back and forth till the car is unstuck, lol or hopelessly stuck whichever happens first 🙄

[@JimGoatChicago]

I've gone as no contact as I can with my only sibling. We are taking care of our older mother, so I can't go completely no contact. That said, some serious boundary setting has been really, really helpful for a couple years now. I don't do scheduled things with her because she is always very, very late (sometimes hours). That's gone a long way toward reducing my resentment every time we are in town together. I don't stay at her house anymore and that's been great for my mental health while visiting my mother. I have to say it has made it much easier and actually more enjoyable. It's not that great now, but it's tolerable and that's a huge improvement.

[@unknownentrappment_ed3522]

Mafi..Mafi...Mafi Thanks Doctor Ramani ji...🤍

[@patrickbinford590]

There's an adult child prayer that basically says, is a request to be granted serenity regarding the people you can't change, courage to change the one you can and the wisdom to know that one is you. Who grants this? Perhaps the neurological rewiring. ♥️🙏 Beautiful breakdown of mindfulness breaking down the cycle in narcissistic relationship (s).

[@ScarletAlchemist888]

Thank you universe.

[@aricaj.3006]

Hi Dr. Ramani, I had a revelation during a meditation session recently that while I've moved on from being a perfectionist to please people, I'm now a perfectionist because I'm obsessively trying to become better than the people who failed/hurt me (for context I also have OCD so this exacerbates the problem). Could you possibly talk about how to combat/overcome that?