KEN READS | PILOT EPISODE: BREAKUP WITH SOMEONE WHO SOUNDS LIKE A DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT

[@cathycrocker5956]

I find it very healing to hear that others have the same experience with avoidants that I have been having lately.

[@SherriFlemming]

Rejection is protection. Breaking the cycle is what counts. What matters is what you do! ❤ Karma always has an address. Victor consciousness 🌞

[@Beth-AnneLye]

The slow fade actually exists. Gaslighting and hanging out in a relationship while they benefit while you are unaware that your partner is fading away, focusing on new hobbies etc. I had almost 8 years of a fade😊

[@tarkov_6]

Honestly I think its impressive someone could hang in there that long. At the same time I feel a little better about cutting it off after 1.5 years.

[@SherriFlemming]

Rejection is protection. Breaking the cycle is what counts! What matters is what you do. ❤️ Karma always has an address. Safe People by Henry Cloud

[@AnneMandry]

Anyone new to Ken; he is utterly brilliant at understanding attachment styles and his knowledge of avoidants is exemplary.

[@SherriFlemming]

He rocks! ♥️

[@carolyn4647]

It's still BS that they lose feelings for you because you have a significant connection. That's the freaking point....lol!!

[@valentine-p2r]

Avoidants are absolutely not sexy as hell..they are a complete turn off! If someone doesnt see your value they should instantly become less valuable to you ;)

[@SherriFlemming]

They believe they are sexy. Grandiose. Rejection is protection. Breaking the cycle is what counts! What matters is what you do. ❤️ Karma always has an address. Victor consciousness 🌞

[@SherriFlemming]

Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record. Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant ❤ The Language Of Emotions by Karla McLaren Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships. It clarifies. Are You The One For Me Knowing Who Is Right And Who Is Wrong by Barbara De Angelis

[@alexandramaria7754]

Hi Ken, Great live as usual. Avoidant attachers need help because their brain chemistry works differently from the rest of us. Their brains are flooded by dopamine and cortisol. Once the dopamine levels start to drop around the 6 to 7-month mark of a relationship, they search for new dopamine sources to decrease cortisol. Now, what do we need to bond with others? Oxytocin, vasopressin, and GABA, which is an anti-anxiety molecule. Therefore, avoidant individuals don't bond with others. They throw away dopamine by giving you attention and saying all the right words, making you produce oxytocin and bond. Then, all of a sudden, the urge to find new dopamine sources makes them pull away and even discard you without any explanation. Is it your fault? No. Is it their fault? Partially yes! Because, as adults, we can change and seek help. Last but not least, don't diagnose yourself as an anxious attacher because you have been dating or married an avoidant individual. Everyone can fall for them, and the probability of finding one is truly high as they don't last long in relationships. All the best, Alexandra

[@ghostyboi4249]

Crazy how similar this is to my situation lol, really like the new content idea btw. You’re one of the few people on YT who don’t just give surface level explanations and generalise things. Fake future promising is probably the thing that hurt me the most since I just feel tricked and manipulated. Thanks for the video

[@womynislandnow2206]

yes, fake future promising was also the worst one for me

[@SherriFlemming]

Yes. Love bombing and future faking is manipulation. Rejection is protection. Breaking the cycle is what counts! What matters is what you do. ❤️ Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record. Karma always has an address. Victor consciousness 🌞

[@deb_diaries]

The letter writer seems to have gotten hit by the DA bus. I feel so badly for her.

[@jamesbondinspector]

I second that! Ken, You helped me immensely understand my former ex-girlfriend (FA). We recently spent three months apart after breaking up five times from Christmas to Easter this past year. I thought we were done. We both went through therapy on our own and I watched countless KZbin videos on Anxious Preoccupied/Fearful Avoidant style “trap” relationships. We’ve been back together for six weeks and our relationship is going strong, we’re communicating through issues and appear to have overcome our differences. It’s different this time, I believe we are going to make it this time. Your videos helped me understand what happened and why. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all you do! Your knowledge and experience in this area is truly amazing and top notch. Thanks again from a happy couple in Knoxville, Tennessee. ❤

[@gannonperry561]

Part of the healing process is being able to tell the story. It's so difficult when people who have never experienced a relationship with a severe avoidant tell you to just move on, it was never what you thought it was. 13 months post discard after 2+ yr relationship, she keeps popping up. So frustrating and confusing.

[@SherriFlemming]

Rejection is protection. Breaking the cycle is what counts! What matters is what you do!❤ Never doubt patterns. AKA the track record. No contact is empowerment! Karma always has an address. Victor consciousness. 🌞

[@gannonperry561]

@@SherriFlemming spot on!

[@SherriFlemming]

@@gannonperry561 Thanks! All the best.❤️ Safe People by Henry Cloud

[@rebecca_stone]

@@gannonperry561 My heart goes out to you. I'm a month behind you (it'll be 12ths this week, 4yr relationship). I've never been like this and I've been through some tough life experiences. I hope you get the support and learning you need for this girl to have been your cycle-breaker. Take care

[@GioFvcks]

This makes you not want to date completely. I’m so over it and I don’t have the energy honestly. Way too many games with people.

[@SherriFlemming]

Understandable. Dating is a shitshow for both genders. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships. It clarifies. Are You The One For Me Knowing Who Is Right And Who Is Wrong by Barbara De Angelis Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter. Boundaries by Henry Cloud Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg.

[@mcrusith]

Have you read attached? When you see the description of a secure attachment it may change your mind. For me I feel like in a year or two I’m gonna be very interested in opening to that. But taking time to heal is #1

[@SherriFlemming]

Yes, I read Attached. Agree with Ken it's not the best book. These 2 books are more in depth. 1. Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix 2. Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin

[@tarkov_6]

Shakespeare could make tragedies forever based them.

[@ShopgirlNY182]

My ex would never comment on my social media posts, he would heart the pic on IG but never comment. But then I see he commented “love you ❤❤” to a pic of a bartender from his fave bar that he is a regular at a few days a week. I asked him about this because it hurt me and he just told me “I was reading too much into it and that he hates social media.” He still never apologized for it and did not delete it. I thought this was disrespectful but he didn’t seem to care. And I was so confused because this was right after he sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers and we just spend a wonderful Valentines day weekend together. He can say those words to others but he coukdn’t/wouldn’t even acknowledge me on social media. I think he’s still not over his ex and is trauma bonded to her and we ended it almost a year into our relationship as he pulled away and didn’t another shady thing behind my back. I apparently was living in one reality and he was in another.

[@SherriFlemming]

This not over the ex and trauma bonded is common. Hoarding exes. Compartementalizing.

[@trickymouse3951]

This letter could have been written by me! Exactly the same experience to every detail but one: mine has no social media presence save for a limited Linked-in profile. Hearing this is just blowing my mind and confirms for me that what I experienced truly was so very confusing, painful and anxiety inducing. Thanks so much to the author for sharing, I never could have summed it up so well. I understand the nuances behind the events because I lived it. I find odd sollice to know I'm not alone in this incredibly painful experience. Thank you so so much

[@riverbilly64]

Exam same here. Does your DA live in Jax, Florida? 😂

[@NS-uq9st]

I got the book Men who can't love. I am at page number 56 and already feeling so confident about my future journey in navigating dating life. Thank you for suggesting the book and all your work. You are the best to talk about this serious issue

[@SherriFlemming]

Excellent, informative book! A few more: Safe People by Henry Cloud Boundaries by Henry Cloud Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters The Language Of Emotions by Karla McLaren The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships Are You The One For Me? by Barbara De Angelis The 7 Principles For Making A Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver ( applies to all relationships)

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

Any advice on how a secure would bring up to a friend or partner that they might want to look into attachment theory. Without sounding like you’re judging or critical of them. Since they are so sensitive to any kind of what they perceive as negative feedback. Love your new format❣️ Your are the best on this subject, keep up the great work, you are appreciated 😊

[@SherriFlemming]

Thank you Ken for your accurate summary! 👍 Your knowledge of avoidant attachment is stellar.

[@special_k2014]

Love the emotion. Dont let the comments about you swearing deter you from doing so. I spent 10yrs with a DA in a situationship but told i was in a relationship. Wasnt even allowed to be on her property and never seen a friend or wanted me to tell friends i was wjth someone... she also obviously cheated. Your videos have helped me through this clusterfuck of being let go for her idealized person that she talked about for 10yrs

[@MatthewAnderson-d6r]

This was a great segment, and sounds like what I went through after a year long relationship with a dismissive avoid it. This was helpful.

[@SherriFlemming]

Ken, Jonathon Aslay and Evan Marc Katz have informative podcasts on long distance relationships.

[@SherriFlemming]

Dismissive avoid it. 😊

[@fofeywhite7462]

Omg!! Ken thankyou for all the info. Its changed my life and opened my understanding, with regards to dating a recovering DA:)

[@rebecca_stone]

Thanks!

[@Beth-AnneLye]

Thank you for your new approach, it's totally relatable. I have been in relationship for almost 16 years, as I am a single mother, living separately was preferable to living together. I had not looked too closely at my partners avoidance, which begain to show itself slowly over time as neglect, then dismissiveness then he created a relationship collapse. He hurled a 16 year relationship out! I was shocked, I had no idea how little it might seem to effect him We are now still shifting thru rubble, and I am not sure we might make it together. So it may be a one year or 3 year or decades longer Union, and yet some folks who have lived with neglect most of their lives continue to build unstable, insecure relationships until and if they get help. So again Thank you for going deeper with your content.

[@malikahharrison4194]

I don't understand how people don't know how they feel

[@mcrusith]

This is almost exactly what happened with me. Like. Exactly. Still reeling from it. It’s been a month since the breakup. But it’s so hard to let it go, even though I was treated badly. Trying to recover my sense of attractiveness and self esteem. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Friends and strangers would flirt with me and I’d shut them down out of loyalty to my relationship but also out of confusion, because my partner through neglect and aversion to sex and intimacy made me feel like a gross goblin creature and people being attracted to me was so confusing. In order to stay with him I had to accept that I wasn’t attractive, and being flirted with just threw a wrench in my belief.

[@JmiLyn444]

I completely relate to this. Everything listed here is exactly how I felt and went through. The only thing is I didn't go through his phone. He kept that thing locked. Sorry you went through this. It hurts so unimaginably.

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

Chloe's story is so identical to my own, swap the genders tho. If you really step vack and look at their entire family, you'll see similarities and unhealthy emeshment. And if you really listen, a lot of times, they tell on themselves in cheating

[@tarkov_6]

Yeaa, how they talk (or lack of) about their family really calls them out

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@tarkov_6 How do they talk about their family?

[@SherriFlemming]

Their family and friends can rat them out about their behavior. And they can withold or gloss over important information about their family.

[@angelacuzzolino9677]

Thank you for all of this content, Ken! Your advice is so helpful & relatable.

[@MoonGoddessOracle]

Very informative! Thank you ❤

[@carolyn4647]

One of my exes proposed, and I made the mistake of taking that as a sign that he was into me.

[@hetengzhang6940]

Love your content

[@mattwood8659]

That letter sounded exactly like what I went through. Please open up submissions I'd leave to hear your feedback in the experience I went through.

[@uniquedavenport]

This happened to me but I saw the signs early on when I asked if he still liked me as he was slowly but very surely disconnecting from me and the relationship he gaslighted me and said it wasn't a issue he also had a lot of ex's and women friends that liked him that he was still communicating with when I broke it off with him he blamed me entirely for his distanced and 360 behavior yet never had one conversation with me when he had so many opportunities to he waited until I was burned out to say we were never in a relationship as though we didn't talk about this stuff before we got together plus we had mutual friends who knew us both and clearly every one knew we were together it hurt really bad and I felt discarded but I also feel bad for him because I believe he was afraid to let anyone to get close and this is what he does when women get to close he also had deep issues with his mom he did offer a friendship right after disregarding me like he did nothing wrong or nothing happened I quickly and respectfully denied it...

[@jdprettynails]

YES!!! Omg thank you for bringing up limerance! So many of my friends kept telling me I was limerant over my avoidant. I was getting pretty obsessive, but the main reason for that was….*he loved me back*!! He frequently told me over and over how much he loved me. We spent a romantic night in Paris together! It’s clearly not a delusion on my part. But it’s so hard to fight your inner critic when your closest friends and family are telling you the same thing!

[@sapnapandey5922]

I want more videos on fearful avoidant coz m dealing with one.

[@lynnsmith4929]

This is almost identical to what happened to me. Its been a month and after telling me he loves me 2 weeks ago and wanted to start over, he suddenly blocked me on all apps. We live 80 miles away from eachother.

[@SherriFlemming]

Sending you the light. 🌞🙏 LDRs can be a recipe for disaster. The distance is a misalignment and relocation can be a dealbreaker. Proximity is continuity where you live. Ken, Jonathon Aslay and Evan Marc Katz have informative realistic podcasts on LDRs. Pls watch Ken's podcasts The Boomerang Avoidant and What Is Fearful Avoidant Attachment. '

[@walsie435]

How do you know that they are dismissive avoidant? How do you know that there wasn't something else in the relationship?

[@xxsorrow4tHEbRoKen]

This just happened to me, 5 months in - he finally found the courage to confess that he gained the mental clarity that he had no romantic feelings for me and that we are too identical and as a result are incompatible. He brought up reasons why he isn't good for me but it took me messaging him, did you drop your balls and his guilty conscience to finally face me and tell me the truth.He also stated during the beginning that he hasn't been comfortable with any female since me and it has been years since he was involved with a female. I also dealt with fake/broken promises. This entire "relationship" was a lie. I feel like I've been put through the ringer, gutted like chopped liver.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

You don't know if this is true or not. Sometimes they say these things to push you away, as they're not sure.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

I have to unsub you. Look, I know most people cuss a lot these days, but many of us do not like that and find it extremely offensive. I'm sorry I have to leave because I did really really like you. And it really grieves me to hear the Name of Jesus used that way.

[@womynislandnow2206]

LOL