How to Get Your Kids to Listen and Engage | Kris Prochaska | TEDxBend

What happens when we include our children in the conversations they have a stake in?
Once a psychotherapist, now a coach and consultant, Kris uses her intuitive insight, diagnostic skills and business savvy to help her clients discover their Natural Genius Factor™ and use it to excel in business and create harmonious family relationships. She’s helped hundreds of women and men learn to calm their little voices in their heads and follow their intuition to create powerful results personally and professionally. She is the author of “Life Well Spoken: Free Your Inner Voice & Prosper,” and the creator of “Align Your Design at Home & Work.”
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@Lescouflair]

Whenever​ I talk to children, I always recall how I felt when I was treated and spoken to at that age.

[@wshelby83]

That's so true

[@robertportillo7723]

This

[@wahooooh]

That’s a good habit

[@LadyCastlevania]

Same!

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Beautiful. thank you

[@justintockey4774]

I’m the father of a 7yo and 6yo. I often take the time to explain my decision making process to my kids because I want them to use the same reasoning skills. Having said that, you have to remember that they’re still children and not adults and they will 100% take advantage of this “two-way conversation” to delay having to do something they don’t want to do. For example, on the first week back to school, my kids kept asking why they have to get up and go to school? On Friday, we’re running late and they start questioning me and we didn’t have the time for a dialogue that we’ve already had four times this week and I felt very justified in asking them not to argue and just do what I say. I was also in the military and the people who always required an explanation before acting on what the drill seargent said didn’t last very long. It might have been helpful for them to have experienced some version of “obey first, ask questions later” in their life. That’s all to say that “Do what I tell you,” has it’s place it used appropriately.

[@HWolfe]

Justin Tockey Spot on!

[@leslie_francine]

Justin Tockey I totally agree!!!

[@shannonlilia]

Justin Tockey Yes, I wish this respect thing worked with my daughter's (25 and 11) and granddaughters, but as you said, it only seems to let them off the hook.

[@jimisuethomas9536]

I totally agree. I’ve never been in the military, however I have had a job. At a job, more often than not...you don’t have the option to question why you’re being asked to perform a particular task. It’s....you do what the boss says or you will often times find yourself unemployed! Although, I do agree that we should be conscious with our words and actions towards our children, we also need to prepare them to enter the world on their own two feet.

[@shilde]

Justin Tockey i love you for saying all that. I was struggling to find a way to say exactly what you said. I treat my kids, especially my teens, as little adults. I give them respect, don’t raise my voice and I always always give everything a sound explanation. But time and time again, my teens especially, take advantage of that demeanor and will blatantly disregard and disrespect what I say because they just don’t want to do something. As soon as they take advantage of me I get pissed and I let them know it. Respects a two way street. With that said, I see a lot of parents who don’t explain squat to their kids and instead just bark demands while ignoring the little voices. That kills me. Teenagers are just so self absorbed. I can only allow so much disrespect.

[@andreatolczyk2011]

My daughter is only five, but I've started to think about these points within the past few months, and this Ted Talk validates those feelings for me. If we want our children to be a positive voice in this world, we have to make them feel valued and confident. By treating them as a respectable person, whether little or small, we grow them and give them that ability with empowerment and gratitude!

[@wshelby83]

You are absolutely right!!

[@TheStarlight777]

I am so confused about parenting sometimes. Ten years ago this is how I raised my toddler son, just as the video says, we were equals. He became a troblemaker (some people would say “brat”) and I seeked out help (psychologist and other parent) in a country where authorative parenting prefered. Luckily I took their advice and fast forward today, I have a good-natured teenager boy, we love and respect each other, and just now I am able to relax and have “democracy” in our family.

[@bigaceboogiewoogie1928]

TheStarlight777 maaan Thanks for this post everyone on here talking about how she helped and you kept it 💯. Sometimes you can do the right thing and them jokers still navigate differently. There’s never a real answer to the problem. Sometimes you just have to be there and ask for outside help.

[@marinaturmo9401]

In my experience as an au-pair with three kids, I realized the different personalities of the children affected their needs. The smallest one would be more at peace if I gave her long reasonings, but the medium and the oldest ones would be very confused and irritated with my answers unless I said "because I said so" which would make them completely relax and forget about whatever they wanted. It seemed like especially the medium one would even be frustrated if I explained why she couldn't do something, and I felt I avoided her going through that if I just said: "because I said so". She would just smile and get on with something else. My conclusion was that kids have their integrity and they are equal to us, but also each kid is different and you can't reduce all of them to one need. Just like adults!

[@MsMelcart]

Marina Turmo Good Point! My daughter wants to hear all of the reasons too to an extent but will eventually get annoyed. My son would get annoyed with a long explanation!!

[@ChristyChemical]

Well done! I was the child who constantly asked "because why??" to everything my mom said. My inner child sincerely appreciates your perspective. Thank you :)

[@catherinemarsh5453]

After listening to this video I think that the title should be "How to get parents to listen and engage".

[@jenndaniel8942]

Catherine Marsh kskiks

[@zheyuli6332]

I agree

[@zheyuli6332]

I am ten years old and I totally agree

[@akemy14xemaky]

You understood everything.

[@KrisProchaska]

Hey Michael- I invite you to consider that you missed the point. I'm not saying kids are equal in their say about everything they do - they are NOT little adults. I'm speaking about being equal in their VALUE as human beings. A subtle, but oh-so great distinction. This distinction is what influences our conversations with our kids, whether we parent with an iron fist, or as a person to person, or better yet: heart to heart. I'm saying we need to recognize that our kids are intelligent, intuitive, capable beings. When we don't see them that way, we don't treat them that way, and that's why I believe we have the "problems" we do with kids being disrespectful with little to no social skills. They act the way they are treated.

[@SairaSabir1443AH]

Kris Prochaska it stated in the religion of Peace that " Respect your child " yes they have a say ... after The Creator; an under 17 is Parent's first priority. Unconditional Love till 7 years; Strict Discipline; 7-14 years; Best Friends; Mother & Daughter 14-21 years .

[@marinkostamenkovic8470]

+Kris Prochaska Nice Video clip! Apologies for the intrusion, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you researched - Trentvorty Kids Science Theorem (should be on google have a look)? It is an awesome one of a kind product for becoming an excellent parent minus the normal expense. Ive heard some incredible things about it and my cooworker finally got cool results with it.

[@skylerkissell]

+Marinko Stamenkovic you sound like an advertisement.

[@v.m.-a.6398]

Kris Prochaska, I like your comment above...but your TED TALK does NOT communicate what you wrote at all. Wow. I agree with Dave Caldwell's comment below.

[@wahooooh]

Kris Prochaska I agree that kids are not adults, they are very different, but I think they do hold the same value as any other person. Your comment seems to agree with everything she said. They are intelligent and capable and should be treated as such.

[@wahooooh]

Since I was a kid once, I already know that problems are serious no matter who you are and how old you are and same goes for respect. It's very confusing how so many adults don't remember being a kid and then treating their kid as if they're property. I'm glad this video is putting awareness out there

[@BethBuelow]

Kris, I'm not a parent, but I would hope that if I were, I'd be the kind of parent that you describe: one who respects her child's presence. Does that mean s/he will always get what's asked for? No. But "because I said so" in demeaning and teaching that child that his or her opinions/feelings/desires don't matter, or that it's not worth the time to explain. I love what you said - being a parent isn't about being in a role, it's about being in relationship. Well done!!

[@Vaidoteful]

Well, I am a teacher, and I have been treating my teenager students with all the respect and equality that I practice in the communication with adults and anybody else around me... unfortunately, it came out that most of these teens were very abusive and ungrateful (I guess that comes from lack values and maybe lack of empathy that is lost among current teenagers) ... they would take advantage of my kindness any time they could by lying and trying to cause me a trouble... Most of them didn't return the same respect they received from me...

[@ninaharris9568]

This just stopped me in my tracks as I was surfing through KZbin videos and came across this one. I said to myself that I have to watch this video. When you were speaking I had tears in my eyes and I felt my heart drop. I just want to say thank you for this heart felt video. I was deeply moved and truly inspired to make some significant changes. I appreciate you sharing your story. This was right on time for me. Thank you! Thank you

[@phoebejones5519]

So right! They deserve our time every time. They deserve too to be heard in their own way of articulating

[@bughuggr]

I love this! YES! Our kids are JUST as important. Each human adds to the family dynamic, and contributes something that no one else can contribute.

[@simpaticonize]

bughuggr : Absolutely ! ♥️

[@nealgreene2301]

thank you for stating so clearly and gently how we perpetuate the controlling domination of our parents and how it is not our truth... I've just recently realized what loving my children (16 and 7) truly fully and lovingly can be.... grateful

[@sav5881]

this holds value because as a kid this made me feel i have value in a way i never even knew i was lacking

[@MrSuperbluesky]

That’s awesome ! I’m happy for you .

[@simpaticonize]

This is interesting. I was wowed by every word she said , including the tonation and the depth of raw emotions which completely summed up that of an emotional and priceless journey of parenting . Until of course I read the comments of those perturbed by her voice.. why. We look into the core of the matter , much like the objectivity of her speech .. moving away from the seemingly endless tangible distractions . Fantastic delivery !👍🏼

[@tahliah6691]

Children still need to be guided...and told...... explaining why they have to do as you say is key.... because in the outside world there are positive and negative consequences for whatever we do....and there will come a time when they have to take responsibility and accept or rectify their own decisions.....

[@droy589]

I am a mother of a 7year old young man. I have watched just 4mins of this talk.....and I already co-relate myself as a mother who is speaking with her kid in the same orientation................ but....I am lucky that I am able to watch the full talk and get some important guidelines for myself.

[@lightzendelightz1408]

I grew up being shut off by my parents...they always say i am just kid...now i am a mother and i do otherwise...my kid argue with me but i listen to her, always listen and understand with my heart...because who will listen to her...i love communicating with her...she has a lot of things to talk to me and i love it that way😊😊😊

[@Marie_G.]

I love your message!

[@punitkk7696]

Every new parent must watch this!

[@estreliasoriano5308]

Thank you. Her voice and guidance has resonated. I luv this speaker now 💛💜💚💙

[@talytasbarcelos]

This breaks my heart too

[@kaensgaming9114]

Great advice for any type of relationship, wonderful talk.

[@Actidad]

You definately need to build trust with your child. You need to build communication. There are some interesting thoughts for dads to consider here.

[@mshabeerpp]

this is very hummilliating

[@mdougf]

Love this. Thank you.

[@mirnabrambila1706]

Thank you!

[@supershepherd]

FINALLY SOMEONE SAYS IT OMG SHE UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!!!!!

[@lexconor8498]

Not always easy, but always critical! See your child as your equal.

[@nancydee6106]

I freaking love this

[@TraceyWarren]

Such a beautiful message Kris! Wow!

[@KrisProchaska]

***** THANK YOU!! :)

[@claudia4762]

One of the key takeaways from the video was the importance of active listening. Kris emphasized that listening to our children without distractions and with genuine interest can make a significant difference in their willingness to engage with us. By giving our undivided attention, we convey the message that their thoughts and feelings matter.

[@preetygirlc]

“What if I do it now, what if I do it later?” Is what I am gathering and holding for myself in this

[@vladan.Poison]

Nice !! thanks for the tips

[@joycea3290]

I believe this is a good message for change.

[@kevinchallinor9116]

Equal value as a human being, but that does not mean they either know what is best, or are willing to do what needs to be done

[@joyemeh1612]

I think that's exactly what d speaker said though. Thanks for sharing more light.

[@kerryanndavis5984]

Its important to see the children as someone who need to be loved, trained, cared for to maneuver life. Children have parents/guardians for a reason to help them navigate this world successfully. While I agree with equality in the personhood, you cannot put the horse before the cart. Experience teaches wisdom.

[@gmgmkidz]

Love this so much!

[@captainscrew1252]

So this is a pro natural consequences talk. Very cool.

[@sandrawhite6334]

she's right

[@cherayj3860]

Powerful when you know better you do better

[@j-mt.175]

Bravo 👏 👏 fantastic!!! 😎 When my son was approx 6th or 7th grade, is when he politely & respectfully stated, "Why should I give/show adults respect if they choose not to respect me? If I have to earn their respect, then they also need to earn respect!" Wow, talk about an eye opener 👏😎👏; I agree with this very much and I'm very old school... 57 years old but very old school 🤷‍♀️. I find it very difficult, frustrating, etc when older adults than myself are rude or won't move out of someone's way Deliberately ; yet they're the main adults who complain about younger people & kids 😤. Life is a 2 way street 😁

[@GaveMeGrace1]

Thank you for affirming what I want to be be more like, because I tend to blend both methods, without really knowing best... I have the skills to life coach my child. He is an equal created in the image of God, just like his mother and I.

[@dummy_god67]

I always treat my child s if he's my friend. N he's really cool n obeys me without any compulsion. V both stay equal n fight 4 the remote always.

[@MsAimm]

Omg 💛 I had a blast 😢🌹🌹🌹👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@shazmadden1969]

It simply boils down to respect for our children

[@fskhanman]

Falguni Shah I totally agree with this video. It is right that we don't see our kids equal and don't allow them to be a part of conversation. We treat ourselves better than kids. We have a feeling that they don't understand anything and they are not supposed to tell us what we are supposed to do. We as adults always refuse kids to do certain things and then we do it ourselves. To inhabit proper values in our children, we as adults have to understand their point of view and engage them in our discussions. Give them the chance to decide between right and wrong.

[@learningstuffwithriverrizk4552]

good concept. "because I said so" does seem outrageous when you come to think about it

[@kindredtoast3439]

I don't have kids of my own, but I've always treated kids like equals. But this is the first time I've ever wondered if I would be able to treat my own kids with that kind of respect. So far, no kid has ever made me mad like that, so I actually have no idea what I would do in situations like the ones she described. She's also completely right about the fact that it's not about treating them like small adults. If you have to pretend they're adults in order to respect them, then you've completely missed the point.

[@bigaceboogiewoogie1928]

I think its also the temperament of the child as well. Some kids are just naturally high active and spontaneous where others are a little more subtle.

[@lindalvaderathke1734]

It makes us reflect about respect... Kids deserve but most of time we have parents so busy that they don't notice how terrible it is!

[@scrumptiousjdp]

I have never said, "...because I said so," but I am sure this is great info for many people....including me.

[@mikeprice4079]

I really liked your Nothing Message, Although I am a grandfather now, I will use or I will try to use your Message Thank you.!

[@najmalifestyle1959]

Woow I like it thnks for sharing

[@lienbijs1205]

This video just came across and what this lady is talking about is just the way how my parents were dealing with us and I do with my children too. And I guess it is the standard in my country. Just Google on Dutch way of raising children....

[@MissNamaSlay]

"Because I said so" is not educational, every opportunity should be a learning one! My son asks why, an opportunity for him to learn. He's 3 and hes educated and understands how things work, from the moon in the solar system to the reason he cant put his play animals in his tub because I valued his curiosity!! Stop the dysfunction and cure their ignorance 💗💟

[@FrankSalman]

+ Kris Prochaska Hi Kris. Not sure if you still reply since this video is more than couple years old. But I'm curious if you still feel responses such as "No" "Because I Said So" are still improper language?

[@rotatopoti]

She talks like the kind of mom that every immigrant is sure is going to raise kids that shoot up their school. Probably an unfair stereotype and I appreciate her emotion. Wish her the best.

[@irideiam]

Hubba Bubba, what a woman!

[@mtaherac]

What happens in really is parents are busy because capitalists(/banks/insurance companies) wants them to make money for them. high property prices high mortgage rates etc indirectly putting pressure on parenting. Mother's play an important role in little children's life.Mothers are a doctor, a teacher, a counsellor, a therapist for her child which shapes the personality of the child and father's responsibilities were vonstantly observed by our kids and that is how children become functional adult. but due to the traps of capitalists parents have no time for parenting.

[@aaminashahana5680]

Tahera Chaudhary I am glad with what u typed b cos if there is a mother who teaches them good manners , guides them, takes care of their diet n father earns the living n brgs grocery their up bring would be so good.

[@scotmil1]

So if capitalist parents don't have the time to raise productive children, why is it that statistically, families on welfare are the lowest academically and socially performing children in our country? Their parents, sorry, parent, sorry, guardian are home all day, or should be because they're not supporting their family with a breadwinner, so please explain your argument again, I am super confused.

[@wahooooh]

Tahera Chaudhary Then they are probably not in a position to have a kid yet. There are many government programs out there to help make ends meet and provide child care for existing families. It is important for someone to be there for the child, but sadly it is not always a parent, because you’re right, people are very busy and then they have a kid without considering all of the consequences

[@privacyandfreedom5344]

@@scotmil1 Well there's a differece between a good capitalist parent and a bad parent who's on welfare. There's also a difference between a bad capitalist parent, and a good parent on welfare. All good parents will do a better job at raising their kids than bad parents regardless of circumstances, for the most part. But there's also a difference between a good capitalist parent and a good parent on welfare.

[@Chels444]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@kriscrossender4525]

My mom told me minors dont have rights, and that I didnt have rights because I was a minor

[@caller145]

As a kid I read about the law a little bit. One weakness my mom has is that she used to be a police officer and likes to follow law to the letter. Well that didn't stop her to threathen to throw me out... so I just said "legally you are required to" or something like that. She knew she couldn't deny that ^^ however she did change it to "will take all the nice stuff away from you and you'll have nothing" but that didn't have the same sting anymore.... small victories

[@eriatarkandrut]

It's baffling to me, how she confuses equality of value with equality of wisdom, experience, and reason. A professor is equal in value to their students, but he/she is the authority in questions of knowledge, so he should be listened to, and obeyed, and learned from. Your child is not equal to you, and if you treat it like that, it will lack the neccessary guidance and authority to chose the right path to adulthood

[@zheyuli6332]

I think of it differently I disagree

[@amyaryan7535]

Parenting is not just play with doll Parenting is responsibility and enjoying with your kids Before u have kids think 5 time more U bring another human to world ( u are the one creating ) If u don't have power don't have kids pls U need to give all to your kids

[@Pochinipi]

Not all the kids responded the same way

[@dishakatal3964]

👏👏👏👏👏👍👍

[@contrarian1179]

I gave a thumbs down because I disagree that kids should be related to equally as you would adults. Kids are kids and adults are adults. These are totally different roles in human development. You can do just as much damage by building them up have unrealistic expectations of what they will encounter in this world as adults..

[@itslael472]

Yes I see what she is going for but this is also how they start to act up and end up being YOUR parent which is not right

[@soldjer21]

Try and negotiate when they are going to bed or your trying to tell then to move because the car is coming. Let us know how that works out. proper authority is not a bad thing in fact it's ingrained in our society. This is why kids don't respect their parents anymore we need to teach our kids to have a healthy reverence.

[@kuzotoothpaste2223]

😃

[@anagomes3668]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@paolagrando5079]

It would help to have some practical examples.

[@theregularguyqt9726]

Look at the state of the world. Parents have time to make babies but no time to raise them some just let them grow into little monsters. Kids need guidance and tough love at times but should always be respected.

[@christinacody5845]

I like this and mostly follow this. Unfortunately this assumes that they'll make (mostly) safe, logical choices. The homework example she gave is one such case. What if the daughter chose instead to delay or not do it? Is that choice going to reverberate back on the parent? It can. If there's other factors at play, it can.

[@tzaoriana]

Sometimes we are just too tired to explain stuff that we know will lead to other questions

[@captainscrew1252]

Sometimes a reason is not enough for a kid. That's why we are the parents and it's our job to allow them to learn to be disappointed sometimes. Life is hard, full of challenges and struggles. Be real with your kids, love and respect the adults they will be because you helped them get there.

[@joieozypunb7780]

Sick, sick! A society is sick that stifles children's voices!

[@cap8487]

My generation...sadly was not taught this

[@thakuru17540]

Bad camera angle !!!!

[@snaps4kappu]

What is the right answer to computer games when you're being asked but 'why not mama' for the 36774899th time? PS: Idk im just overwhelmed already imagining this situation

[@grandmasterbash]

She took the red pill

[@mgraber1]

You meant the blue pill.smh

[@robertf.7285]

I reject the majority of this new wave hippie parenting. Children are not our equal and every decision we make regarding their development is not up for debate. Having to justify every decision to a child, whose only goal in life is self pleasure, is absurd. Explaining why you need to brush your teeth and bathe yourself, etc. Is different.

[@elenatarasova2039]

No way children can be equal to parents

[@pinkcityfashionhub4777]

Hello mam I just want to ask 1 thing that my son is very hyperactive. He is not controlled by anyone not even by me so I use to give him slaps to control please suggest some ways to control him

[@rosalynntv]

[@user-sb6pf9tw4z]

Six year old with a lot of homework? There's a child in need of a different learning environment.

[@itimariu]

Right. Except that kids have one single thing to worry about in the moment and you have everything else to worry about. And you have already explained for a hundred times why they need to go to school and now it's morning and they are not putting their shoes on and you are late to work. And the kids don't have the maturity to consider who will pay the mortgage if you lose your job because you are late. Because the kids are not equal with you in maturity, responsibility or wisdom. As for equality in terms of human beings, who are you kidding. They are worth much more in our eyes than ourselves. We put them first. And still, it is appropriate during times you don't have the spoons to engage in what is literally a game for them, to say "because I said so". Retain your own right as a parent to know that. As for the Ted talk, let's see the follow up when her 10yo is a proper teenager.

[@ekuzabrat5928]

I think that talking and treating kids it depends on kids ' s age

[@pkasb90]

She seemed a bit emotional anyone knows why?

[@sams9181]

Because she's human and not a robot?

[@kimmaupin7846]

Sam Sword Exactly Sam! She is allowed to care & be passionate about what she believes in, trying to rid yourself of emotion is boring & unnatural, use it to make yourself a better, more genuine human being who authentically cares, I hate when someone gives a talk & sounds like a textbook with no emotion or passion..

[@kimmaupin7846]

Sam Sword Exactly Sam! She is allowed to care & be passionate about what she believes in, trying to rid yourself of emotion is boring & unnatural, use it to make yourself a better, more genuine human being who authentically cares, I hate when someone gives a talk & sounds like a textbook with no emotion or passion..

[@LiveAndLearnWithMe]

Her emotion comes with the lovely messages. I took it at an art of public speaking. She scored it.

[@jaraisferguson6765]

i hate when people talk like this. she sounds so emotional.

[@t6adams]

because she has passion and i guess because she's human?

[@simpaticonize]

Jarais Ferguson : Parenting IS an emotional journey , you ...........!

[@christopherhare6446]

Yeah it’s too unnatural.

[@whatabouta69]

i would take her children into care because she sounds like a fruit cake!

[@susancarter3864]

Yeah, teenager, can I do this? Mom, no because of this and that, 5 min, later, teenager with attitude I want to do that, and you won’t let me, Mom I already explained why you can’t do that, then teenager with bigger attitude, that’s not going to happen, you don’t trust me! 🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

[@fashklash]

Is she gonna cry?

[@kevinchallinor9116]

I like the message but the voice and style of speaking was creepy and hard to listen to, sounded like you was going to cry

[@jeffjuhl8824]

Wow.good yes. Bad yes. Informative yes wrong yes.no.mybe really think ppl

[@gabriellegrady624]

hey man who

[@mshabeerpp]

I am sorry very sorry

[@gabriellegrady624]

hey man who has the ability for you

[@cutwagman]

Is this a parenting video or ASMR 😞

[@davecaldwell2612]

the idea of treating toddlers and youths like adults is ridiculous.... this premise is a huge problem in our nation. Has anyone besides me noticed that the world is not getting better, our country, our state, our town, our neighborhood is not getting better because of this foolishness?

[@margaritaperez2429]

I can't agree more with you. so true!!!

[@jimbo8651]

Dave Caldwell she makes a point in this video

[@salma_74]

Dave Caldwell kansiime

[@HWolfe]

Dave Caldwell I agree with you.

[@EvTosh]

Dave Caldwell I think it is fair to say that you were listening with your ego in mind. Lol. That is NOT what she said.

[@lizliang9110]

she sounds so depressed. her voice puts me to sleep. sounds like there is never gonna be hopes on kids.

[@madhukc67]

I just don't see why it is hard to see good things out of someone's teaching. This too must be psychological issue.

[@simpaticonize]

Liz Liang : the reason her voice puts you to sleep is because you're not listening to WHAT she's saying ... that's a sad loss to me, I'd say.