How to handle the "I can't give what you deserve"

When you're desperate to be chosen... #selfawarearmy #therapytok #healingjourney #codependency #divorce #breakup #relationshipadvice #datingadvice #datinginyour40s #datinginyour30s #situationship #redflagsinmen #relationshiptips #anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment

[@jesperdj]

“I can’t give what you deserve” is just a rejection packaged as a compliment. If someone says this it is indeed time to move on.

[@unblockyourbs]

@@jesperdj I second that

[@adamsutton9363]

Another version is “I can’t meet your needs”. For months I said I could be patient. But eventually I realized I was abandoning myself for breadcrumbs from someone that was unable to reciprocate any sort of healthy love or respect. I now BELIEVE that I deserve to be chosen and for my needs to be met.

[@OtsuDC]

Avoidant attachment style

[@unblockyourbs]

@@adamsutton9363 so glad you've learned this lesson (even though the experience must have sucked!). 👏👏👏

[@GodsChildBri]

Yes. Also, "I don't think I'm good enough for you."

[@sunsethwy66]

It was difficult for me to learn to believe what people say. If your partner tells you a version of "you're too good for me, I don't know what I want, I'm not a good person, I'm crazy," etc, believe them. People often tell us who they are and it can be hard to accept when you care about them. But I will no longer try to make someone want me, or ignore behavior that is less than I need and deserve. When people have said this to me, it's always been true.

[@Chaseraubeboyer]

They really mean "I WON'T give you what you deserve." If they wanted to, they would.

[@pablooso1941]

I am a nearly 80 year old man, happily married and have told my wife a few times I am not rich and cannot give you what you deserve but I can give you my undying love and deep respect forever. No man deserves a lady as good as mine but I will continue to strive to better myself in an effort to come close to what she deserves. We've never had an argument, I'd never disrespect her like that. We are a team working toward a common goal, neither of us are nor ever have been rich but we are rich in love, kindness and forgiveness.

[@AS-gt1lh]

What a lovely comment ! You are a true gentleman ! Wishing you both many more happy times together ❤

[@deselby6669]

Wonderful sentiments..Well said..

[@Kala123467]

It's heartbreaking to be told this, but please, please, anyone who has not listened, listen!! It's hard to let go of someone you've deemed important. You WANT them to want you, but there is no rule of the universe that states that if you care about someone, they have to care the same about you or that they're emotionally capable. There are people who will be able to and who will WANT to give you what you need and will be willing to work with you and will see you for all that you are. It's not easy, but love yourself enough to let go of the "half ways" and be *able to accept* the "all the ways."

[@OtsuDC]

This is a hallmark of the avoidant attachment style. They have a fear that they won’t be enough and can’t accommodate your needs. they fear intimacy and emotional closeness, and try to distance themselves as much as possible or move onto the next person to keep having more casual relationships, leaving a trail of pain and broken people in their wake.

[@unblockyourbs]

@@OtsuDC very true. Avoidants really thrive in dating and crumble when it starts to turn towards a relationship as that requires more vulnerability and emotional intimacy - the skills they feel most inadequate in

[@nivea2win]

True 👍

[@heyhelloangel]

I'm not gonna speak I'm just gonna listen and let you know I HEARD DAT 👀👀😞

[@kimslone5185]

That phrase is the polite cover for someone who wants out.

[@richard.c.guitars]

I immediately take it as a sign to move on.

[@MichelleAntonia]

It's a gift to be told this honestly and respectfully. That means the person respects you and cares enough about you to do what's best for you. No one should be angry about this, they should be thankful.

[@atlasmcdermott5486]

this exactly. someone who cared more about the status of being in a relationship would instead ask their partner to hold out for them, insisting that with time they'll get what they deserve to have in the relationship

[@regina.regina93]

That is a person who wants the benefits of the relationship without having to commit to you. "Let's keep going to dates, but I can't give you what you deserve: commitment".

[@pnk4aqt]

The irony of finding a healthy relationship is some of us have to choose ourselves to find real love while some others need to choose their partner over themselves to find love. I am now choosing myself. It was sad because he was amazing and loved me to an extent but he couldn’t love anyone as much or more than himself.

[@unblockyourbs]

@@pnk4aqt THIS is the hack to relationships! Choosing yourself instead of placing so much value on someone else choosing you. The world mirrors your internal state - so if you desire to be chosen - it starts with you🥰

[@LouiseO78]

The man i loved said this to me 3 months into the relationship. I was dignified, respectful and accepted it. Said lets end this as its going nowhere and both agreed. Next day he messaged and i ignored him and later that day turned up at my house saying he missed me and didnt want to lose me. Total head ****

[@CALIGRL888]

What happened? Did you stay with him or move on?

[@LouiseO78]

@CALIGRL888 3 years later he is still in my life but it certainly hasn't been easy and my self esteem has took a hit. We are 'friends' now but to be honest he is the one that keeps that going. I think he is afraid I will meet and move on with someone else but at the same time can't give me what I want and he need. To put it into context...he had a lot of childhood trauma and has BPD but is receiving treatment now.

[@CALIGRL888]

@@LouiseO78 aaahh, yes BPD is a hard one to deal with... My mom has it. Eventually had to go no contact with her... It's sad, but she was dangerous... anyways. I'm assuming it's not that severe in your case, but nevertheless I feel for you 🙏

[@LouiseO78]

@@CALIGRL888 I find his BPD splitting to be the worst part of it. I felt constantly rejected and confused 😕

[@CALIGRL888]

@@LouiseO78 yeah splitting is hard. Leaves you feeling constantly on edge and second guessing every positive, healthy decision you try to make. Most people have a very hard time remaining close to borderlines... It is a very, very, very difficult disorder. My mother essentially ruined her's and my father's social life. She ran off all their friends, her family, and most of his own family as well. My brother just went no-contact last year too because he didn't like the way she was treating his kids. So now both her kids have also left the family... Idk 🤷 it's a very sad disorder... but just be careful and do whatever feels best for you. Some people can't be helped or even refuse to truly help themselves and it's not worth being pulled down with them in their own self-destruction... Not sure what your situation is like. But don't feel bad if you do need to take the space. Just know it will be hard...

[@Deberoo07]

Needed to hear this 4 years ago,but i finally realised this by working on my own attachment style & self asteem. The inconsistent behaviour ,the actions not aligning with words. Be kind to yourself & always remember....If they wanted to....they would...simple 💛💫🙏🏼❤

[@unblockyourbs]

@@Deberoo07 it's such a tough lesson to learn but once you learn it... it sticks!

[@emjay01]

I just heard these words from him tonight after doing this on and off for 7yrs.. I love him so much and I feel drained mentally and emotionally. I have nothing left to give but keep trying to fight another day. Thank you for sharing your message. 😢

[@unblockyourbs]

@@emjay01 sending you the biggest hug!!

[@emjay01]

@unblockyourbs Thank you so much for your kindness! 🥲🥹x

[@crystalcole888]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry. No one who loves you would say that to you. He doesn't love you and he is wasting your time. You are a placeholder until he meets someone that he really wants to be with. At least he told you. Many people try to hide it from their partner, and then they just leave unexpectedly. It's okay. It happens to a lot of people. But don't waste any more time. Leave him. Don't let him come back, yes he might ask. And then begin your healing process. If he comes back after you break up with him, it's not out of love. He just wants to be comfortable again. And he will leave as soon as he meets someone else that he wants to give it a shot with. The very best of luck to you.

[@emjay01]

@crystalcole888 thanks so much for your kindness and encouraging words. You have no idea how much I needed them now. Unfortunately, he already ended things and left this week. 😪 I know he set me free. But the pain is nearly unbearable. If anything, I've learned my lesson. Now it's just time to pick up the pieces of my life after him yet again... Thank you so much, kind stranger. 🥹

[@crystalcole888]

@@emjay01 You are very very welcome. This has happened to me several times. Only I wasn't lucky enough to meet men who sent me free. I had to figure it out for myself. That's why I put such emphasis on not letting him come back. He might try someday. Don't let him. It's not a punishment, it's just an acknowledgment that you guys are not right for each other. I won't lie to you and say that everybody finds love in life. But lots and lots of people meet The person they want to marry after a long, frustrating relationship. Mostly it's because they know themselves better, and they know what they will and will not tolerate. I really wish that for you, and no matter what stage you are in, it's very possible. The world is filled to the brim with people. Just move on quickly from unhealthy people. Don't waste your time. I know this is small comfort, but you get to learn all about yourself all over again. You get to do whatever you want without having to worry about the wishes of your partner. All the little compromises that you had to make in your relationship, you don't have to make them anymore. Enjoy being single for a while. Enjoy your freedom. And when you do meet someone new, I hope that person is wonderful!

[@tryingnot2bdumb]

sometimes I feel like too much when I want reciprocation. I also feel like that when I want someone to keep choosing me. i have unhealthy anxious attachment so sometimes my expectations are unrealistic and actually coming from a wounded/insecure place. but asking for reciprocity and someone to continue to be vulnerable, intimate, and connected with me throughout our journey together is just wanting a normal relationship. I think those things are what keep relationships alive.

[@LifeisaBeautifulting]

If they say this BELIEVE THEM. THEY ARE RIGHT!!!

[@unblockyourbs]

@@LifeisaBeautifulting I struggled with this far longer than I care to admit... but once I HEARD it - it all made sense and I believed him

[@laurivaltter]

yes idkkkk life is so hard

[@DivisibleByWaffle]

This touches on why I will never seek a partner. I know I can never live up to what anybody would deserve, and I'm not going to make them chase me.

[@lynny397]

Thank u sis, I needed to hear this. God bless

[@bl4ckoutseven709]

Thank you so much for this video 🙏

[@ac5788]

I just agree and nod and then get back to being a shining light.

[@walkbyfaith3737]

That's what I told her and myself, but as time went on I began to realize it was actually because she was a heavy narcissist and my intuition picked it up. I can't give her what she deserves because that would mean giving myself less than what I deserve.

[@vin8life]

That's so powerful ❤ Felt really good hearing that!

[@yogisurfrunner1925]

Aaaaaaamen sista!!! 57 yo lady here with my soul mate. I met him when I was in my mid 40s. For many many years before that I wasted time accepting crumbs from people who gave far less than I deserved. YOU are the only one you have to live with for the rest of your life, so treat that only and only lifetime partner (you) like GOLD!

[@mbernesdotter6881]

Wooow! Spirit speaks clearly to me now through YOU..🙏🏻💓🫂 you have to choose you and stop allowing breadcrumbs..stop the unhealthy dynamic...let the avoidant realsise that they have to make themselves happy too and stop stringing you along...we absolutely deserve to have our needs met! And take care of yourself and your emotions.. it hutys bad, bit they are not your child that you have to love unconditionally..if the're not willing to do the work and heal.. OF COURSE we are worthy of being with someone who chooses us fully through all seasons. 🙏🏻💓 Thank You so much!

[@mikek7660]

Beautifully said. Hope you're good 👍

[@almosdezsi6236]

Thank you:yes! Took me three years to learn this, very gruelling and hard three years.

[@castlewood2215]

Thanks for reminding me that I’m pretty amazing, I needed to hear that after my DA. Made me break down but in a clarity. Thank you

[@unblockyourbs]

@@castlewood2215 big hugs to you!

[@TrainerLiz1]

He told me today that he can't meet my needs and yet he doesn't even know what my needs are and I said well are you willing to try? And then he just wrote it off like Yoda on Star wars. We've been together 7 years this April and it's just a real bummer to be honest. I'm done. Going to be 60 this year and it's just not worth it anymore. I'm not crying in my own tears it's just disappointing. Not trying to convince him otherwise just can't wrap my head around it and like people say if people tell you who they are believe them. I'm just so disgusted and disappointed. Thank you for your video. It's like Samantha on Sex and the City I love you but I love me more.

[@biren_biroo]

you are amazing. i will take your word for it, without reservation. what about them? aren't they amazing? isn't that the reason why you felt you deserved or wanted them? so where's their amazingness gone... suddenly ? it's complex no? not as simple as how you-we put it... and put it 'out' - to the world.

[@HundredThousand]

Fell for this for years until I finally found my value but it was way too late...

[@julieolson1402]

Avoidants have been trying to tell people this forever! When they weren't heard they tried saying it differently. What your avoidant did wrong was to keep stringing you along. That's unconscionable and weak.

[@thesheunicorn]

needed this ❤

[@equalitarianbiologist2327]

Its worth the while, the Reservation of ones heart, for the right ones. Those right ones are the ones where in between we find the significant one.

[@unblockyourbs]

@@equalitarianbiologist2327 this is beautiful!

[@JHS-h9q]

As a man i'm so glad to hear this from a woman! Because in my life multiple partners could't give me what i wanted: a real connection!! They were superficial and only after the money! They wanted me to speak the 5 love languages (abusive!) but couldn't speak them by themselves! Only take and not give. I'm done with that. Tara, love abandoned you, but you didn't abandon love!! You're living from your heart. So do i. People like these are rare.....

[@virushka1312]

Love this

[@atlasmcdermott5486]

the best thing you can do (for both of you) is listen to them 😂 at the best they're telling you the truth about their capabilities and at worst they're kindly giving you an out!!

[@WoundedWarrior777]

Great 👍 thanks…we are the prize 🏆 always remember that …choose yourself I know it’s hard being a giver & caring person but trust me it’s worth it # healing journey

[@kyauwkao]

I was told that I deserve more but he cannot do anything now because of his mom and his life. We’ ve been together for more than 2years , and his mom came to stay with him since right before the Christmas and our relationship totally has turned up side down. I was kicked out from his apt where we almost lived together and I became the least priority for him. I stopped seeing me. He was normal on Monday but Now he doesn’t answer my texts, calls, no call back. Not sure what to do anymore..

[@jobfcastro22]

Well said, thank you very much

[@voyageswithshyeasha1398]

Great reminder ❤

[@HappyCapii]

This is so beautiful and much needed ❤

[@jonmceachran9514]

Dang. Such good advice

[@lhutch1315]

I choose me!! 💝

[@BuckleBunnyBeth]

Yes! This is 100% a textbook dismissive avoidant response. I got the "You're too good for me" on top of the "I can't give you what you deserve"... I said ok, I believe you. Fast forward a year of confusingly intimate friendship, and he's finally started to open up. It has taken a long time of building trust, and there's still a long way to go, but for now it's nice to know we love each other without being invested in the outcome. ❤

[@oneofakind2276]

Sounds like you settled for being the cushion. Prayers for you.

[@BuckleBunnyBeth]

@oneofakind2276 nah, I didn't settle... just backed off the idea of a defined romantic relationship and stayed his intimate friend. We have a connection that goes beyond that... he shows me in his own way that he loves me, and that man would take out a whole village to protect me. He has been abandoned by everyone he ever cared about, I'm sure AF not gonna do that to him. But I'm not gonna lose myself in the process either, and he respects that deeply. We have a good balance now, just no labels. 😉

[@kristae.7686]

​@BuckleBunnyBeth Yeah, okay, but are you seeing anyone else? Or are you clinging to this "friendship," hoping on some level it will turn into more? Note: I'm not saying exes can't be friends, but I am saying it's unwise to attempt friendship when one or both of you still want more but the underlying issues haven't been resolved.

[@BuckleBunnyBeth]

@kristae.7686 I briefly dated a couple guys during our separation, and it's not like I'm closing off other options, but I've got zero tolerance for men who don't fully align with me, and I really don't feel the need to be in a relationship. 😅 The intimate friendship and love we share is actually kind of perfect for both of us. If it turns into more, that's cool... if not, that's cool too.

[@enojelmeli]

Yes!! 💯 🎯 Choose yourself and choose others who choose us.

[@Rileyzc]

This is gold

[@destroium1206]

Thank you

[@Daath_Morningstar]

Needed this

[@Brinaweenahwoo]

I literally told someone this today..."I just don't think I can meet your needs. I don't think you'll be happy with me". Honesty is the most important thing.

[@YellowishGreenDragon]

Most people say it as a manipulation.

[@Mushroom321-]

Thank you for sharing!!😊🤔 Ive had a familiar experience !

[@ryandavis4936]

this is so painful to listen to. its been over a year, i miss her, but i cant believe in something that isn't real

[@annaburns2865]

2025 so far is the year of the millinial. Most of us have recovered quite a bit, and we see the world differently now, but we also realize that we deserve nice things just as much as our parents. The world hasn’t ended yet. It’s time to enjoy the economy while it lasts. Who knows, in 10 years we might all be living in the woods. The doom spending has slowed down, but hasn’t completely disappeared. We are differebt people than in 2019. We have woken up from the Matrix. It’s our time now.

[@myunfilteredtruths3338]

Yeah I heard this and then some….. I left for good January 9th. No contact ever since & I no longer have the energy to entertain the bs.

[@ellliamelli3867]

AMÉN

[@amberv4223]

Thank you 🙏

[@ajmosutra7667]

Well said

[@easter_sunday]

"I deserve....." "BYE!"

[@unblockyourbs]

@@easter_sunday don't wanna finish that sentence aye?

[@easter_sunday]

@@unblockyourbs "Deserves got nothin' to do with it." ~Clint Eastwood, "Unforgiven"

[@AlejandroDiaz-ku8sh]

💯,, let go of that crap,,,,

[@Onlycelb]

Most funny that women wants who dont want them

[@k8wellness8]

I’ve seen so many videos with a similar message, but this one was explained with such clarity and hit home the hardest 💔 I think as women, especially, we try so hard when it’s not our job to fix broken men (you can flip the gender roles). The hardest thing is when someone appears to be all in and then *poof* seems to change overnight. Like one minute you appear to be everything and then the next minute nothing. Obviously it doesn’t happen overnight; in the other person’s mind/psyche it’s a decision they’ve been thinking about for longer. It is difficult for that not to affect your trust and self-esteem, even though it’s not you that’s to blame. 2025 mantra: “I choose what chooses me” 💫

[@OtsuDC]

Avoidant attachment style

[@unblockyourbs]

@@k8wellness8 I had to dig deep to heal the parts of me that was attached to the broken men who I perceived "needed fixing". I still get drawn to them but I've learned that's the "inner child" version of me who's begging to be chosen and asking "am I lovable?". Learning to meet your own needs and heal the patterns of your "picker" that chooses partners who are emotionally unavailable is a game changer to not experience this cycle anymore!🙌

[@carolinevittini1858]

Loved this vidéo ❤

[@crystalcole888]

Let me save you years of your life and share what it took me a lifetime to learn: Mixed signals equals NO. Let me say it again. Mixed signals equals no. No they don't want a relationship. No they don't want to date you. No they aren't interested in you. No they are not going to change their mind. There are lots and lots of people that absolutely love attention, both men and women. So they will lead you on, waste your time, and soak up attention from people they have no interest in having relationships with. And other people try really really hard to not hurt others, and they don't know how to let them down easy. So they avoid it. That is knowledge that most people have to be taught. It's counterintuitive. I had to learn this out of many books with a lifetime of experience to back it up. Save yourself years and years of pain. Mixed signals equals no. Get a tattoo of it. Just move on and find someone else. Your time is precious. Don't waste it.

[@KingKull1971]

Stop looking for excuses. The man just doesn't want you, and that's it.

[@amberv4223]

❤️❤️

[@jen0v4]

"you deserve better" is an interesting way of saying Im not worth you getting better for.

[@mattswisher1]

He means you aren’t putting in the effort

[@nyx0838]

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

[@Lusbeyri]

🥹🫶🙏

[@theojmandude3995]

Hey you don't know me...maybe I'm not amazing ! 😋

[@unblockyourbs]

@@theojmandude3995 guess you deserve better than this short can offer you 😜

[@laurivaltter]

this is a women problem no? no girl ever see it like that i need to always figure it out by myself. sucks very much

[@jackdeniston6150]

But , no Man wants you. What do you do then? Do you decide to become a better person?

[@unblockyourbs]

If your experience has been that "no man wants you" my question back to you is "do you want you". If you imagined your ideal partner in your head with who you are and how you're living - would your ideal partner be drawn to you? Would that partner want you? People in our lives are just a mirror to our own internal beliefs. So if you have a belief that no man wants you... sounds like underneath that statement is a belief that you're not lovable as you are. So you can either become a version of you that you love so it doesn't matter whether a man chooses to love you or not, or you can live in a world where you keep finding evidence to match your internal beliefs that you're not lovable. Cool thing you get to choose which experience you want to have 🥰

[@intunedeeptarot]

🫂 💕

[@sirtom3011]

“Pas a man…”cannot give you what you deserve” = you are not hot enough. It’s as simple as that….if you were SUPER HOT, do you think he would be saying no?

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

Avoidants run from everybody because they are broken internally. It has nothing to do with the other person.

[@sirtom3011]

@ You are self soothing and turning a blind eye to reality. Sure, avoidance do that. They run. But we are not talking about avoidants. We are talking about people who leave. You are mistaking that connection. Most people who leave are not avoidants. No matter how much to tell yourself that they are leaving because they are broken. In almost all cases, they are just leaving you because they don’t like who you are.

[@zeenhlengcobo]

You reason like a 15 year old boy who has just started puberty and gets no girl's attention.

[@unblockyourbs]

Hahaah I know some pretty hot fucked up people. If a man wants to be treated like shit even though she's hot... who am I to stand in the way of true love 🤣

[@kurtistaylor7993]

And at some point you realize the Only thing special about them is the Love you were giving to them Unconditionally… Give that to yourself First. Thank You! 🤍🙏🪽👀

[@unblockyourbs]

@@kurtistaylor7993 so beautifully said!

[@happy6033]

Thank you❤