Psychological Work To Do On Yourself Before Dating Again After A Breakup

[@RecluseRider]

Going through this right now. 4 years of relationship ended and I'm left tired, numb, empty. Not sad or happy, but tired and alone. No energy left to give to anyone.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

All the best for your healing journey!

[@geekahgee]

You will get through this. Don't lose hope! 🫶🏾

[@LightHouse_222]

I just discovered I was a "place holder girlfriend " . It meant all the agony I went through, trying to make the relationship work, was never going to be enough. We broke up 2 years ago but talked almost every day since then. I still held onto hope. But he never saw me as his "forever" partner. It has been a shock. The good thing is now I can finally mourn the loss. Crying in a way I should of, 2 years ago. He strung me along because he enjoys our chats. It is a cold shower to look back at memories and understand he never intended it to last. I know timr will make him fade away. I am old and others have faded. I cannot even remember the birthday of my best friend in junior school. Your video was so gently expressed on what is a hard topic. Thank you.

[@CandyAustin]

This is a wise and thoughtful post:)

[@joannedomingo2398]

Same. Just conversations. I lifted his ego. I’m hurting

[@lauraylilly]

I was in a relationship for 23 years, married for 12 years. When he left, he cheated. I did look at his cellphone, and one thing he texted his affair partner was this: "You're the woman I've been looking for all my life." Sometimes, even when you're not a place holder, you're a place holder.

[@TeresaGutierrez-e8k]

This is so inspiring. My mind has been consumed with thoughts of him. It's been 6zmonths since he left, and the pain feels like a physical ache. The laughter, the memories, the adventures they're all gone. I've tried to distract myself, but the harder I try, the more I think about him. How do people truly move on? The memories are still so vivid, and I miss him more than words can express.

[@Dexy813]

For me I haven’t had a relationship in 2 years, but I did have someone I cared deeply for that I had to let go, to move on . Now it’s my time to heal on my own. I will take my time and not rush getting back out there.

[@clairebear2975]

It's taken 2.5 yrs to get over an 8yr relationship. Have learnt a lot.

[@rigobertoornelas289]

I’m going thru a divorce after ten years together . I struggle everyday after she moved on right away . When you think you know someone 😢. I am unmotivated.

[@barbaraolewnik7337]

it does?I think it's personal.

[@Liopleurodon09]

Dr. Maika, I am immensely grateful of you and your videos. I’d like to let you know that since day 1 of my healing stage, your videos were all I had, they got me through my worst nights alone. It’s been 4 months since the break-up and I can honestly say I am a whole different person now. I have gotten better and I am working on being my best version for my next relationship because whoever I end up with they deserve the best version of me. I always look forward to your new videos. You have a lifelong fan in me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and please keep up the good work.❤

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Thank you for this comment- I’m glad my videos have been helpful to you during this difficult time 🪴. I’m glad you’re feeling better now. All the best for your continued journey 🙋‍♀️

[@kaustubhsingh539]

​@@DrMaikaSteinborn Hello doctor! im your keen viewer from India. currently im facing a issue that has become most prominent for me in the last 2 years. The thing is I have social anxiety... plus i kinda look ugly. and this has contributed making me even more anxious over the years, lower my self-esteem. Ill be really happy if you can address this in one of your upcoming videos. Thanks doctor!!

[@dr.misbah2953]

​@@oliviaaguilar7571best of luck..., , going through the same phenomena

[@Daniel88563]

It’s so hard when you actually love someone and all you can do is look in the past at all the good times, forgetting the bad and the reasons you broke up. I’ve accepted that I’m not going to move on quickly and that it hurts to see her move on quickly. It doesn’t make it easier accepting the situation and at times I still struggle with acceptance. If anyone ever needs a chat reply to my comment. Always have a listening ear, heartbreak sucks but you don’t have to do it alone.

[@geekahgee]

My ex was so mean to me, but I still loved him to the very end.

[@Daniel88563]

@ it shows true commitment and shows how good of a person you are!

[@geekahgee]

@@Daniel88563 thanks 🫶🏾

[@mikeyd6597]

Thanks brother Love YOU greatly! Heart to HEART MINUS the BS is what our WORLD FAMILY needs!

[@jondoros]

I don't know the context of your breakup but sometimes an ex might seem to be moving on quickly which hurts, but I think in most cases they are just avoiding the process that this video is talking about, and in reality they do miss you and they might not even recognize the feeling deep inside

[@626lifeaa]

After a 10 year relationship me and my wife are going through a divorce a choice she made. We have been seperated 6 months but I still think about her and the mistakes I made constantly. I tried going on a date recently and while the woman was nice all I kept thinking was I miss my wife. I’m in therapy but I just can’t let go of her, she was everything to me. You don’t realize how special someone is until they are gone.

[@nyuuuchan]

good for you, at least you realised early! most men go through life leaving a trail of broken women behind but never stop to question themselves. I applaud your self -awareness! ✨

[@PetrVita]

I went through the same (+10y marriage). It took me 10 months after the breakup (Apr 23) to stop and to ask myself what I actually expect from my wife instead of obsessing with what I miss. Once I realised what really matters to me I asked her where it goes and we are divorced (Jun 24). ...but since I was able to formulate what really matters to me in relationship and understood what I did wrong and could do better, I noticed relief. It brings you back your self-esteem, especially if you realize you probably did your best and did not know better at the time. No idea how deal with it people who messed up, i.e. cheating or some sort of abuse. It takes time, you have to process it yourself.

[@dr.weirdbeard2840]

Same here. 25yrs she left and I still miss her even after all the pain this has caused me. She's been gone 9 months . I tried to date but found out im not healed yet. I have to not mistake alone with loneliness. I can't fear this will take time and it's better in the long run to not rush into old patterns.

[@jasengriffin485]

Praying 🙏 for your peace.

[@alexislacey4432]

I've spent 4 years working on myself after the break up, and I can confidently say I've gotten 10% better. So I should be fully healed and ready to get my heart broken again in about 40 years 🥰 😒

[@elevatewithsusie]

our progress isn’t measured in percentages; it’s in the transformation you’ve undergone along the way. That 10% represents every hard decision, every boundary you’ve set, and every time you chose yourself over staying stuck. But here’s the truth: healing isn’t about reaching 100%. It’s not a finish line; it’s about elevating your self-concept to a place where you don’t need to fear heartbreak because you know your worth isn’t tied to anyone else. Instead of focusing on the years ahead, ask yourself: Who am I becoming today? That’s where the magic lies-not in the time passed, but in the shifts you make within. You’ve already proven how capable you are. Keep going-you’re building a self-concept that will attract the kind of love you truly deserve. And it starts with the love you give yourself. ❤

[@WackestMack]

I’ve been alone for a whole year listening to self help books and trying my best to do the work and still found myself falling into old rotten behaviors The work never ends friends

[@MegaGameXtreme]

This video couldn't have found me at a better time. Bf of almost 4 years and I mutually broke up a few days ago. We still care about each other, we just weren't happy together and stayed together out of convenience. I asked him today if there was a chance of us working out, and he told me he just wants to be alone right now. I don't blame or fault him for wanting to move on, I honestly need to as well. I want us both to be happy, and I need time to heal. I'm in no rush, and I'm prepared to start despite how painful it's going to be for now. Thank you for this kind video.

[@CalmBeforeTheStorm76]

I wish hurt people could learn to forgive instead of internalizing it, and becoming hateful, vengeful, and envious.

[@raymondc9513]

Do you believe there is a middle ground where someone who's hurt may not turn to bitterness and revenge, but also not blindly give forgiveness, and pretend the hurt was never there?

[@CalmBeforeTheStorm76]

@@raymondc9513 It depends on the person? I mean, there's probably a fair number of people who do that, and that seems fair. But, for women and men both, but especially women, trust is huge... and when you break it, or they perceive it to be broken, (unless you're both just wanting superficial sex before you both move on), it's really hard to earn it back. You really have to lay your neck on the line, and let there be no mistake, you will be incredibly vulnerable. They'll be able to shatter you, if they want. But, it takes something significant, or behavior to the contrary while you give them space, to even have a chance. All people are different. But, I believe in forgiveness... The person doing the forgiving deserves to know how the behavior will be corrected, so they have something concrete to measure your word against. That applies to both men and women, I think.

[@MsPBJTime]

When I'm hurt, I also have to look at whether there were things I could have done to protect myself better. Did I compromise on my core needs because I put the other person ahead of me? Doing that doesn't serve me or the other person. Yeah this is something I am working on and is just an example. It's a selfish learned behavior associated with my fear of abandonment.

[@johndoe-vc1we]

I couldn't hurt the love of my life. She moved on because she moved away for a year. She didn't think it fair for either of us to wait. It was only a 3 week relationship but it was very deep. I felt hurt because I fell for her. So getting hurt was my fault. Not hers. It's just that i didn't realise at the time that the heartbreak would be as intense or last as long. A year apart meant no contact. I moved with a different group of friends. Repressed any feelings I had for her because confronting was too painful. I had enough of the weeks of pain. Distraction was another way of dealing with it. Trying not to think of her and occupying my mind with something else. Anything. When she got back a year later I didn't want to ignore her but this meant pretending we had nothing. Because that was how she was treating me. Not in any mean way. There were times I could play along and times it became uncomfortable. We definitely had something so thinking otherwise was to say it never happened was a contradiction. I was never able to resolve this. I never saw her with anyone for a year or so which helped me somewhat. I never had anything other than casual sex which I discontinued as it didn't help. But I couldn't spend much time with her anymore. It would become uncomfortable. This is when being with her was the most natural thing. Earlier we were comfortable in each other's presence without needing to speak. Now I would become anxious so leaving after a short meeting was best. We always met with other people around. Never one on one. I could never bring up the past and there was no physical contact. After a year I moved abroad. We had mutual friends through which we would meet whenever I was in town. We never kept in contact. And I never had any hopes she would come back.

[@ottomans924]

The timing is crazy! Thanks for making these videos, they’re really helpful!

[@TsMaLLz789]

I’m going through a really hard time dealing with an emotionally debilitating breakup. I really appreciate your advice, it’s been helping me tremendously.

[@kwc7391]

I dated for three years with the lady with short break ups every now and then . After the last break up, which was a year and a half ago a couple months after our break up, she started seeing the contractor who was working on her basement. They’re still together it’s been a year. So evidently that’s working well. For me it’s been a year and a half and I still ruminating about her, can’t get her out of my system. I seem to can’t move on and it wouldn’t be fair if I started dating right away. But for her, she’s right into another one and it seems to be working out for.

[@benjaminholt6640]

"wouldn't be fair" I would question this statement. Lot going there

[@actiondefence]

I had a version of this. Took me a long time to realise it was because I put my value on the Ex who I thought was just about the best person in the world. Tried dating, catastrophe after catastrophe until I realised I enjoyed dating as long as it was only 1-3 dates and no relationship. That's unhealthy nonsense so I stopped and now I love my life, living it for me and my kids 😍

[@tazabdel6461]

You’ve dodged a bullet.. She started seeing the contractor, she’ll leave the contractor for someone else …..

[@K9_Queen]

Try to focus on YOURSELF. YOUR hobbies, passions, things that bring you peace or joy. Therapy and or self reflection is crucial to heal and find some closure. Lastly - remember this - just because she’s with the contractor, even still after a year, DOES NOT mean she truly cares about him or that their relationship is good. She may be using him for “comfort” to fill the space that you took up at some point. If that’s the case, she herself is incredibly unhealthy and perhaps broken because jumping into a relationship immediately after exiting one, is usually an unhealthy sign. Regardless, the bottom line is try and continue to focus on YOUR OWN journey in healing and moving forward. Good luck 🙏🏽

[@Catford24]

My ex started seeing someone new after 2-3 months. We were together for two years. I ended the relationship and even though she is free to start dating it still hurt. The thing is that people move on at different speeds. Once a relationship is over you could start dating the following day if you want. I believe you’re doing the right thing. Grieve and work on yourself. You and your ex obviously had issues because you split on a number of occasions during your relationship. Think about what caused those splits, figure out what YOU could have done differently in those situations and work at changing how you acted. It’s been a year for you now too. Try and get back out there. A smooth relationship is waiting for you

[@andrewparry7528]

I listened twice...very unusual. Excellent clarity with the best advice.

[@believedragons_]

Thank you for this. I had to break off dating someone with a complicated situation: a DA who broke up with her ex about 5 months ago. We genuinely like each other but I could tell she was conflicted within herself. She needs to heal and now, so do I. I rushed to get back into dating again other people but I may just take it slow and focus on healing.

[@objectreborn.artsewing]

Hello. I'm new to your channel. I was a serial monogamist throughoht my 20s, rarely single for more than a month or two. I took relationships in my early 30s more seriously, and the breakups hurt worse. I've been single for 2.5 years after I decided to solve for the common denominator, no hookups, no dates. The amount of healing has been unreal. Because that was my goal every day, that's what I stayed focused on doing. I'm happy to be finding your channel at a time where it reaffirms what I've recently taken as true, and offers perspective for my old patterns and where I shortcut myself. Cheers ✌️

[@helenlockwood1354]

This was such a helpful video. I really feel comforted by your compassionate and gentle delivery. Everything was articulated beautifully, concise and very natural. I have been struggling with my ex moving on incredibly quickly. I believe he has an avoidant attachment style. I think the information you have given me here shows me that it is not a reflection on myself (though I still feel all the pain and rejection), but it is in fact him burying his emotions in the honeymoon phase of a new partner. Thank you again, and best wishes from the UK ❤

[@1990SammieJ]

I've been watching your videos a lot over the last 6 months, after a best friend group, crush breakup and relocation it's been traumatic with no one around but my own head. I've not been out in months either and burning out from it all. Your videos do help and I appreciate all you do for us.

[@coffeebreakwithtamer]

Amazing delivery of information in a very smooth manner Big thanks from Egypt

[@dymphrpeeters8799]

First time seeing one of your videos, and i gotta say this is probably one of the most helpful relationship videos I've seen so far. Calm, empathetic, but also focused on the self, rather than on the ex (which can be comforting, but often ignores or disregards the things you need to work on for yourself). The practical tips are also really nice!

[@pernamore1978]

After my last breakup, i just went onto loving myself and became a sigma male. Couldnt be happier!

[@Balooz]

Dr. Maika, another brilliant video. After a 36-year relationship, I am at 23 months. I am happy to say I am doing all the things you said. As I have had 23 months to figure things out, I think of it as returning to myself and my own happiness, and I am getting there slowly. I have made a massive advance in 23 months and take the whole thing as an incredible journey of discovery to an improved way of being. Being positive, the split has awakened my existence, and I am better for it. You have been a great help since I found your videos three months ago. Thank you

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Thanks for sharing, I’m glad to hear you’re on your way 👏🏻

[@TimothyFreeman-iy8xl]

Solid advice! The best way to heal takes time. Its different as we are different . We do need to become comfortable with ourselves alone. I have found this very hard do to my personal issues ( codependent with abandonment issues from child hood ) be patient, take the time , you will eventually wake up to a new day.

[@Dominis.]

This is the best summary of the obsessive journey I've placed myself on. I'm glad you mentioned that attempting to grow after a breakup can be obsessive. Avoiding or obsessing, both the side of the same coin of not letting go and accepting.

[@bell1095]

5:30 The question about „how long“ it will take, might have its answer in „how thoroughly and intense“ the recovery from the past harmful experiences is processed. The healing of PTD is the model: reexpose the self intentionaly to exercise active remembering & reevaluate the emotional memory.

[@geekahgee]

What stuck with me from this video is that I need to express my needs, I don't have to board the negative thought train, and that, really, good things take time.

[@ChristianGeer]

To add to this, if your relationship wasn't "normal" and you were being abused (or maybe vice versa) therapy and learning about different mental conditions is a HUGE help for putting things into context. After receiving a tremendous amount of aggression and manipulation from someone with BPD that seemed to come from absolutely nowhere it was hard for me to process what happened but after learning more about the disorder (I was trying to learn as much as I could while we were together as well and get her into therapy but its hard when she doesn't cooperate after switching personalities out of nowhere and I'm constantly stressed handling emergencies that she keeps creating) I was finally able to stop taking some of that stuff personally and realize that she's taking out past trauma on me because the person who actually hurt her wasn't there to hold accountable. I hope she gets the help she needs one day but I'm more comfortable in my own skin being alone than with someone who is abusive and it took me a while to realize what was more important. Alone time allows you to figure out who YOU are and what YOU want without any external expectations or influences. Also dont worry about what you think you should be doing at a certain age, marriage, kids, etc as those are also external influences clouding your own judgment.

[@inspireasmr1794]

You are amazing. You sum everything up and make it perfect to understand. Thank you so much

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻

[@sun_seeker8123]

Thank you so much for another helpful and supportive video. I find you help me feel validated by explaining what’s going on from a psychological perspective, but you are also very good at giving really constructive helpful action oriented steps that we can do to move forward and become a healthier version of ourselves. Your style and delivery is informative, but also very warm and honest. Thank you so very much. 💕

[@whatwhat3432523]

I got really sad and empty feelings right away when i tried to date again.. been 5 months.But the more i meet new girls i miss my ex even more. If i meet someone i click really well with i hope it will be different. The worst is over, thats for sure. I have been through a lot of breakups as both a dumper and dumpee, but this last one broke me i guess. Thank you for very good guidance, you helped me a lot throughout it all.

[@anastazjamalczyk7683]

I know how you feel. It's like nothing compares, right?

[@whatwhat3432523]

@@anastazjamalczyk7683 Truly feels like that at the moment unfortunatly.

[@Nirvanaraw]

I found the book “moving on” by Russell Friedman to be excellent on this topic. It focuses on the grief process and understanding our unmet hopes, dreams, and expectations and things we wanted to be different, better, or more.

[@joseamaya697]

Grateful for your video. Going through a breakup and this is exactly what I needed. Been doing the self work and gaining my self esteem back with building new relationship skills. I let my bad thoughts come in and out without fighting em and just acknowledging them. Thank you❤

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Sounds very good 👏🏻

[@dorotamartadzikon4157]

Nearly 2 years on my own Can’t trust again better to b on my own.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

💔

[@kkc6155]

I get it. I take looong breaks between relationships 😢

[@livbar]

It's not easy to open up and trust again..... for me, I will not allow a person or people who didn't deserve my trust to be the reason why I deny my trust to someone who truly deserves and/or earns it... That's just my opinion... I've been betrayed but I know not everyone is a traitor and/or unworthy. I hope you meet only trustworthy people going forward. **cyber hugs**

[@willf9089]

Your heart, mind, and soul are strong to recognize that. ​@livbar

[@HankRietveld]

Love your material. It's fantastic.

[@ximeacabal6803]

Thank you for taking the time to make the videos. It does really help a lot. ❤

[@supersaiyanboi]

I'm beating myself up for realizing i love her after she's moved on and found someone new. I pulled the low maintenance and unavailable card because i was traumatized from the previous ex... I really messed up and let a good one go without a fight. Couldn't show her the appreciation and value she deserved and I was too ignorant of her needs. I want a second chance but i know it's unfair to her and selfish of me. I pray for her happiness with her new favorite person. I'm grieving and have such deep regrets. I did learn a lot about myself and that I can still love because I want to be loved. Thanks for helping me realize this. Life really tastes bittersweet...

[@gigi.c3052]

About a month after a break up. Worst feelings ever. Having a hard time thinking there’s something wrong with me or not being good enough. I know this isn’t true but this is how he made me feel when we broke up.

[@nyuuuchan]

After a disastrous relationship, I took 7 years off last time. Now I'm freshly dumped after 4 years, (I self-sacrificed the whole time) and as woman in my mid-30s, who wants a family, I can't afford to take that break. Even though I'm tired of and disgusted by men. Any tips on overcoming this burn-out would be great!

[@richonelove6234]

Thank you I really needed to hear this ✍🏽🙏🏽

[@MasterandMargarita01]

thank you Maika. i watched so many of your videos, which helped me through a really hard time in my life and im getting out of it now and start to live my life with so much more quality. in a way, the hard times didnt only make me stronger, but through these difficulties, i can appreciate my life and the quality of my relationships even more. it gave me a new perspective on the value of the things i already have, like never before. and since im a big fan of your content, i have to admit: very nice flowers :D still learning how to keep mine alive. sometimes its the small beautiful things in your life to focus on, that help you to become a new version of yourself. best regards =)

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I‘m glad to read this, thanks for sharing 🙏🏻 And all the best for your continued journey 🌱🙋‍♀️

[@ddburrows6419]

I have just discovered your videos and am immediately subscribing. I think you will be a source of great comfort and motivation as I begin what may be an arduous journey.

[@amirnavidkarimian4518]

I love her voice!!!

[@dj80550]

Words of experience & wisdom. Thank you!

[@johngreen1776]

Shocking intelligent and wise. I am going to listen to your other videos!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🥰

[@welcometothewarreport]

I’m still grieving my ex. She started dating someone new a week or two later and I believe is now in a relationship. She’s a mess though. Suffers from depression and anxiety. She’s extremely codependent and has an anxious attachment style. A single mom dealing with financial hardship. Has a tendency to move from one relationship to the next. Does no self-reflecting or inner work. Takes no accountability and has a victim mentality. Suffers from severe trauma issues stemming from childhood. Has a substance abuse problem. None of this makes her a bad person. She’s actually very sweet, kind, loyal, empathetic, thoughtful, compassionate and supportive. But it does sometimes make it very challenging to date her. Including the massive amount of baggage. I still miss her though. I feel she like won by moving onto someone else and not missing a beat. It feels unfair. I’ve chosen the harder route. Being alone, processing the break up, working on my growth, goals, development and faith. It’s boring, hard and often depressing, but I’m told I’m doing the right thing. She might’ve won in the short term I guess, but I’ll make out better in the long run.

[@johndoe-vc1we]

This video is the best I've heard when it comes to ex behaving as you said. Your ex is clearly hurting from dumping you which makes sense because its harder to dump someone than be dumped

[@MaaaaaxB]

Such a beautiful shirt patterns! Haha like it! Thanks for the channel, too. 😊

[@andreashulten2161]

This is really good and helpfull! Thanks dear ❤️Maika❤!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻

[@azoz158]

The way you speak is so gentle. Thank you 🙏

[@brianpead3692]

What a lovely video, thank you. I like your low-key presentational style. Most informative. Good luck with all that you're doing, Doctor

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻

[@colemeeker908]

Helpful! Thank you!!!

[@ThomasKennedy-h9b]

Thank you for your brilliant presentation. It really resonates with me.

[@alefranz6]

Thank you to be incredibly peacefull and sensible, it helps a lot! I can figure out now better what i was in the relationship and not overestimate my guilty in the breakup. Thank you, again.

[@JamesLamb]

Everything said makes perfect sense.

[@JAB227]

this was very helpful

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

you put these things to words very well, thank you ❤️🙏

[@mu1968]

You are truly a gift. Thank you.

[@devonways1657]

Awesome messages! Thank you 💕

[@CalmBeforeTheStorm76]

We *all* make mistakes... But, there are so many women right now (and I'm sure men, too) who are so fragile, they cannot take the smallest bit of criticism. They can't look at all at their own behavior, or if you're the one to help them with that, they feel completely attacked. This makes it next to impossible to have a relationship. We all make mistakes. We all have to learn. It's a healthy process, not one to get defensive over.

[@thegrimharvest]

That's one of the things that concerns me most about even the possibility of dating now... the sheer potential volume of people who don't want to take responsibility and accountability for their own emotions and mental health, the consequences of their own choices. Or barring that simply the logical tradeoffs they've made in their lives for what they wanted. Very harsh, cold, unforgiving world out there, seems like, and so much of the commons has been nuked and poisoned by everyone's hurt and negativity, victim mentality, blame shifting and collective scapegoating. Plus the ever present list of entitlements and imperfections that simply are now absolutely inexcusable. Everyone out there looking for unicorns while dumpster diving, knowing good and well they'd take a hacksaw and turn them back into a horse at the drop of a hat. Really does make one wonder if the world did end in 2012, just not the way we expected it.

[@welcometothewarreport]

@@thegrimharvestthis was beautifully written

[@dakotawinston7677]

This is a great video, thank you

[@riykarina1]

Thank you! Great advice.

[@juanmarquez2810]

Thank you! Time to work. :)

[@RawhitiTeHuia-777]

You speak really well ❤

[@taylorbee4010]

I went through a few quickly Till my original ex came back And left again Now I’m in a lot of pain She’s a class A avoidant, sweetheart though or can be.

[@taylorbee4010]

This was a chance for that to work but it became a giant cluster. Again :/ I gotta learn

[@lorenson]

You’re a such empathetic expert!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻

[@nathanhardman7143]

It’s very hard to approach something so heavy with “lightness”

[@fieldingjames6808]

I partly feel most people are somewhat broken always. There always saddness in everyones past. I have no idea what it means to be healed. I don't think people are ever healed or maybe Im viewing it wrong.

[@CalmBeforeTheStorm76]

Creating closure seems like a skill narcissists are masters of.

[@DaRyteJuan]

Broke up with my last girlfriend in 1997. Haven’t had a relationship since. Intimate relationships are just a way of making yourself crazy. Even the women I talk to about their relationships are rarely happy in them.

[@KnoWtImTlknBout]

Thank you.

[@adreaminxy]

Dang great video and so many wholesome comments, yay me new subscriber!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Welcome to the channel ☺️🙋‍♀️

[@problemslayer3538]

This sounds like my ex who dumped me. She jumped into a rebound after around 3 weeks into the break up. She has attachment issues and i know she will be in a mess. Ive concentrated on myself and are a lot stronger mentally and physically. I didnt contact her during the break up and never have. Never will sadly.

[@craigmerkey8518]

I want to echo the person's comment below. I greatly appreciate and value your insight and sharing. Deconstructing how we are built and understanding our journeys to become better!

[@beyourself9162]

nice work 🙏

[@mikey92362]

After three years, I've decided to never do the work to heal. Why would a guy want to get into a relationship in this day and age? What can a woman bring into my life that i can't already go out and get by myself? I think most men are happy enough to just be alone. The peace and lack of drama is pretty great. And I've never felt lonely for even a second. Being songle as a 56 year old man if actually rather awesome. I have friends, parents, and I retired at age 40 with more money than i could ever spend in one lifetime. Life is too good to even think about taking a chance on something that could ruin what I have. The damage keeps me from ever getting into another relationship. And that's actually ancery good thing. You can't hurt me if you never get a chance to get close to me. And even if I changed my mind and decided to find someone to share a life with, there's no one out there who could possibly live up to my unrealistic standards and boundaries.

[@vivvy_0]

you can heal and not date, get a better perspective and be open for good things. the last part is black and white thinking, it’s unhelpful.

[@mikey92362]

@vivvy_0 There are no good things. There are only things that seem good for a while. There are way too many bad people out there. The odds are incredibly stacked against men. It's not worth the risk anymore. We have to either go overseas, or stay single until the laws change.

[@organicrebecca2314]

Thank you!! 🙏👏

[@pavanatanaya]

For me, the pain was overwhelming. I couldn't locate the source of the pain. I had lost my center. my identity. It isnt fair to the new person to involve them in my weakness

[@dpeterman945]

I got married at 25 and the marriage broke up 38 years later, a year and a half ago. (I'm 65 now.) I was destroyed. Luckily I found a very good therapist, and when I said very early in the process, "I just want to stop feeling this way.", she asked "Why?". Then she talked to me about sitting with the pain, just being with it and figuring out what you can learn from it. Best advice ever. I'm taking this year - 2024 - off from romantic relationships, and I'm in the last month starting tomorrow. I've not been just waiting. I'm focusing on figuring out myself this year, and it's been amazing. I've dealt with what happened, what was wrong with the relationship, how my issues impacted all that, and finally have sorted out baggage I've been carrying since childhood. I am better emotionally than I have ever been. I'm enjoying my own company and don't know what will happen when the year is up, but I know it will be better than if I hadn't taken the time to do all this work. I recommend taking the excellent advice in this video to heart. ❤

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Excellent- thanks for sharing!

[@Kartikjh24]

Thank you

[@troytalbot5746]

I want to challenge this. Isn't a relationship exactly what most of us need to heal? Shouldn't people work on communicating what they need and where they are with a potential partner?

[@LyrixNChill]

Platonic relationship maybe, but any relationship involving intense emotional needs and expectations is a recipe for disaster if you haven’t fully from the previous breakup

[@troytalbot5746]

@LyrixNChill i disagree and agree, to different extents.

[@jeradblazek677]

I could try to connect you with my ex. She was all about trying to communicate her needs and wants with me. One of those needs was about her wanting and needing me to know who she is. The problem is that she wanted me to see her how SHE saw herself, and not through the way I experienced her through her words and actions. And she also would tell me how she was constantly evolving and she was changing. I'll introduce you to her. Enjoy the constant conversation of trying to keep up while staying stable in yourself.

[@MrRatMommy]

lovelyyyyyyyyyyyy. greetings from Germany

[@andreamegec2290]

Im affraid because after all research I think I emotionally mourn my 17 yr relationship in about two years even when we were still together ,and detached from him phisicaly

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Attachment styles. Look them up

[@BloodbathMcGash]

Did you say there was gonna be a video about the cost of emotional suppression

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I added a link to one in the video: How Repressing Emotions & Feelings Makes Us Sick & How To Stop kzbin.info/www/bejne/oXmvkoV3p5aGea8 This one addresses it, too: Signs Hidden Emotions Are Running Your Life & What To Do With Them kzbin.info/www/bejne/gqrImnisgcaUms0

[@cerico76]

It looks like my ex's new relationship is working, after 26 years with me, 1 month later, she was already seen someone else (she left me, that's why maybe) and they are still together. Said that, It won't work for me. I am still single and working on myself. Not ready yet for a new relationship, I am also moving overseas, so no time really for it. 😁 Thanks for your videos, they are really helpful!

[@dr.weirdbeard2840]

Same here. She most likely created her new relationship well before so she had a backup plan. Mine did. She's afraid to be alone and probably won't heal or grow from this. We have to grow so we don't hurt ourselves or others we bring into our life.

[@freshfalcon3996]

How long is "enough" to process my breakup? I suspect I'll always be in love with her. Forever.

[@Checovp3]

Is it recommended to navigate this process of rebuilding our relationship individually? We're currently working on ourselves separately and have set a future date to decide whether to continue the relationship. However, I'm unsure if this approach is helpful for rebuilding our relationship. Can you help me?

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

In general, that can work, sure. Still, some skills will remain that you can only practice or learn together because they're needed in an interaction.

[@Checovp3]

Thank you Doc, I'm going to have that in mind

[@MANDOWN-o4l]

WOW Chris

[@skoopiecheckecheaks]

Why does this feel so relevant 🤔

[@UkeBrian]

I'm saying "mmmhmmm" out loud in agreement, repeatedly

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Twelve years later... 😮😅 These goals feel like it will take a million days to be "ready" for love and relationship

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Hm… if it seems to take that long it always makes me wonder what’s holding the person back other than not feeling ready… ❤️

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

@DrMaikaSteinborn it's not feeling ready because I tick so many of the boxes and if I have to fix all that before I am "ready" and none of the individual issues are simple to fix, how long will it take to fix so many

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

@@aspiringrootwoman24 You don't have to be perfect to start dating. Aim for finding someone you can continue growing with!

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn I appreciate this advice so much

[@VivatVeritas1]

Learnings is not actually a word, lessons is. I blame Borat.

[@Jojoma449]

I wish all men would listen to this

[@alexfinn7989]

It took me two full years.

[@kaustubhsingh539]

​ @DrMaikaSteinborn Hello doctor! im your keen viewer from India. currently im facing a issue that has become most prominent for me in the last 2 years. The thing is I have social anxiety... plus i kinda look ugly. and this has contributed making me even more anxious over the years, lower my self-esteem. Ill be really happy if you can address this in one of your upcoming videos. Thanks doctor!!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I’ll note down the topic request 📝👍🏻🙋‍♀️

[@kaustubhsingh539]

doctor could pls help me?

[@kaustubhsingh539]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn um can you also address this problem too (if possible in the same video only?). i struggle with facial expressions, i , i don't know why most of the times remain expression less, don't show any emotions on my face no matter whether the situation is happy, sad,etc. i'm sorry doctor if i'm asking too much from you. thankssss

[@mikewilliams235]

4 months for 4 years seems way to short for me. I suppose it depends how battered that old heart got. Mine got run over by a tractor so I've got a way to go yet. ;)

[@riykarina1]

😢😢😢😢😢😢 Same here...

[@siarrabookersiarrab9314]

I never heard that one have always heard 6 months to every year

[@andyhinds542]

I've come to the conclusion that after years of failed relationships, I'm better off on my own. There is not a single woman out there out of the 8 billion people on this planet that I would be compatible with. Social media and sexual politics has made dating infinitely harder than it used to be with far more women looking to the kind of idealised perfection they see on Instagram, but also, women these days turn men off with their generic look - all trying to look like some media star or whatever - than just great versions of themselves. I am so used to living alone and doing my own thing that dating a woman in the future would make me feel uncomfortable and wonder what the fuck I'm doing. What is her intention? What does she expect of me? By the way, I'm 57 so I don't have as much time as your generation.

[@danielbak5186]

I have been struggling with excessively visualizing / fantasizing about my ex post-breakup. Do you have any advice for this?

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I'd suggest to learn about cognitive defusion and apply this technique to those visualizations and fantasies: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fHiZqZVnhad8mqM

[@cerico76]

This year, 3 of us break up. All the 3 women, jumped straight away in another relationship. Is this juat a case, or something that women do? Not sure. But like Agatha Christie said :" one coincidence is just a coincidence, two coincidences are a clue, but three coincidences are proof. Is this a normal pattern for women?

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

In my experience both women and men can struggle with the impulse to quickly want a new relationship

[@cerico76]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn It is probably just my experience. 😂