How to Love an Avoidant Man (PART 3)

Welcome back to the "How to Love an Avoidant Man" miniseries! In Part Three, we delve into crucial questions asked by many viewers: How to transition into a committed relationship with an avoidant man, and whether walking on eggshells forever is necessary to prevent them from leaving.
Throughout Parts One and Two, we explored strategies to understand and support avoidant partners, emphasizing fairness, trust, and mutual fulfillment. Now, we're building on that foundation to foster a romantic connection that leads to a secure and fulfilling partnership.
Join The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith as he provides invaluable insights into navigating the complexities of loving an avoidant man. Discover the power of open communication, explicit agreements, and fostering a sense of safety and security in the relationship.
Learn how to address critical topics such as finances, living arrangements, sexual needs, childcare, monogamy, and handling future challenges. These discussions, though not always glamorous, lay the groundwork for a strong and lasting bond.
Witness the transformative journey of an avoidant partner as they move from fear to excitement about marriage and family life. Through patience, understanding, and genuine love, you can help your partner overcome their attachment challenges and embrace a future filled with love and security.
If you're ready to embark on this journey with your avoidant partner, join us for this insightful and empowering miniseries. Together, let's build a relationship that thrives on trust, fairness, and mutual fulfillment. Don't miss out on the opportunity to create a love that lasts a lifetime. Watch now and unlock the secrets to loving an avoidant man with confidence and compassion.
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
Join The Mentorship Program:
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Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
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The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
If you enjoyed this video on avoidant attachment style then I would recommend you give this other video on avoidant women a watch: • How to Love an Avoidan...
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Part 3: Moving into a Committed Relationship with an Avoidant Man
00:03:19 - The Fear of Being Engulfed by Love
00:06:49 - Avoidant Attachment: Fear of Intimacy and Commitment
00:10:06 - Moving Forward into a Fully Committed Relationship
00:13:35 - Building Trust and Soothing Attachment Wounds
00:16:53 - Open Communication and Relationship Topics
00:19:52 - Time with Friends and Future Challenges
00:23:10 - Building a Loving and Sustainable Relationship with an Avoidantly Attached Partner
00:26:33 - Overcoming Dopamine Fixation and Feeling Fulfilled
00:30:12 - Understanding the Attachment Specialist's Advice

[@AttachmentAdam]

Watch Part 1 here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eofCpWZtZ7uXq5Y

[@sofiefelipe9467]

Thank you 🙏🏼

[@Pheonix1111]

Living life without cortisol continually present and dominating my body is merely a dream that I wish could come true. Cortisol is all I have ever known, since the day I was born. Oxytocin is completely foreign to me. Once again, this is an excellent video Adam. I completely agree with drawing up a marriage agreement stating ALL of the fair agreements that a couple agree to carry out throughout their marriage. That truly is sexy! If only people understood how valuable that is to avoidant people. Safety is everything.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I completely hear what you're saying. It's all true, and this dream can be reality. It IS reality for many people. It just takes the right relationships to make it happen.

[@RaisingZane]

Ditto! I’m living on cortisol and limerence dopamine hits! I’ve always noticed I never feel Joy. I never feel anything really so I take inventory of recent life events when my chest hurts or I can’t breathe. Mostly I smile and keep going. I’m on autopilot.

[@RaisingZane]

@@AttachmentAdamI can change my Brain Function through a relationship? 🤯 I don’t understand How. I’ve been dating GREAT guys. I just lose all interest after 6 months. Ugh.

[@cortneyozment7825]

I’m down with all this!! This makes sense to me

[@JustinaJayne]

Same ❤

[@Starfish319]

Hi Adam, I am a woman watching your videos since May 2024. I started watching to understand men, only to realize that I am actually a highly avoidant woman. Since then, each of your videos has brought tears to my eyes. I have been described by my last partner as “cold, incapable of love, and selfish”. I started to believe these things about myself and that I needed fixing. I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just manage their own emotions and stop being “weak”. They never understood my fears or constant analysis/ ambitions. Avoidant people crave to be engulfed in love! But love is a luxury when you have to lead/ protect/ survive. It takes so much from us! Anxious people can be so demanding and give little security outside of “love”. It took watching your videos to understand what I have been trying to explain to my partners for years. When you said, “Avoidant men fear that you will never be fair with them” I felt that.

[@cherg1743]

Thank you for showing compassion to Avoidant Men … after many months of the pushing & pulling behavior, I realized how broken my guy is. People just see the strange behavior & criticize without understanding what’s actually happening. Your teachings are incredibly helpful.

[@arminxvs3372]

This man doing a great service to help and heal broken people. Men and women nowadays are so scared of relationships and suspicious of the other gender because of all this toxic crap online.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help. It's true that fear is a driving force in modern dating, and that's what I'm here to help people move away from. What was your favorite part about this series?

[@arminxvs3372]

@@AttachmentAdam Primarily to understand how avoidant people think, why they behave like they do and what they need from me in order to "warm up". Especially as my ex was/is a heavy case of "avoidant" it was really interesting to see your videos and reflect on that relationship. Always nice to learn and understand things that were frustrating when we used to be together.

[@sofiefelipe9467]

I’m an FA, dating a DA. The minute the date is over I begin to spiral down and convince myself that a real relationship would never happen. He is kind, respectful and very attentive. We dated on and off for two years before being physically intimate. I know he’s a great human being but he triggers the little girl in me that was abandoned. I know my triggers are my responsibility and I’m consciously trying to transform them into growth. But the fear is there , in the middle of my chest… leaving me with very little air.

[@SK-no2pp]

Therapy! Your brain is just familiar with chaos. Check out the courses in personal development school or the free videos by Thais Gibson. It helped me a lot

[@LilArrowInkorperated]

I can relate. I accidentally pushed my love away by being afraid that they would leave. My fear made it a reality.

[@AutumnalMountains]

Personally, I don't hate avoidant guys. I have had two serious relationships with them, and absolutely never again! As a little Preoccupied Anxious and becoming more Securely Attached style, I realize to keep myself in a more stable, secure place, emotionally, physically and mentally, Avoidant men are not my thing. 🚩😂 I need to be around fairly secure, emotionally vulnerable men even slightly anxious- preoccupied is fine. Men who are open and not afraid to be vulnerable, otherwise I'm forever like a lil mouse chasing the cheese 🧀, and feeling increasingly anxious with the no returns of calls/sms and everything being on their terms bcos they don't understand healthy two way communication. 🙅‍♀️ No go for me, bro ❤.

[@dvegas]

💯💯💯

[@jonaskoelker]

> they don't understand healthy two way communication. Do you understand how to communicate with avoidant men in a way that's healthy for them?

[@dvegas]

@@jonaskoelker In my experience, I politely put in my requests, and if it’s something they don’t want to do, I usually don’t hear back or they change the subject. It’s been my experience over and over. And I have avoidant men in my life, and some I can work with this and others I have to walk away from because the communication breakdown is so tough and I don’t have the desire to chase.

[@jdprettynails]

A lot of my friends are all screaming at me to walk away from my avoidant guy because of the pain I’m in when he pulls away. They insist that he’s just using me for sex and validation…but I don’t see it that way. He’s opened up to me on a very intimate level. He’s told me about things he’s discussed during his therapy sessions (Even embarrassing stuff) He’s cried in front of me. My friends don’t hear the way he whispers “I love you” to me. I love him so much, I just can’t bring myself to walk away from him yet. I just can’t see him as this “master manipulator” my friends make him out to be. Yes it kills me when he pulls away, I miss him like crazy and I’m trying my best to work on my anxiety in the meantime.

[@0-_-00-_-0]

You have to think whether you deserve a relationship where you are made to feel so bad by being dropped and abandoned by a man because he feels like it. These men will never truly commit until they work on themselves and choose to change--which may never happen. All the emotional work will be on you and you think you will think that your work will earn their love and loyalty, but that’s not true. I was there. I lived for the moments when he’d show some vulnerability, thinking that meant his love was growing and real. But I had to live with him pushing me away, controlling the relationship with his avoidance and the misery of never having my needs met. The irony about the talk about their need for fairness is that they are the ones who are unfair to everyone else. Value yourself enough to have a relationship where YOU feel safe. You deserve that.

[@N0N4ME06]

I have the exact same going on

[@jdprettynails]

A month later and…..yeah he broke my fucking heart. Completely discarded me and absolutely used me to get what he wanted, then dropped me for someone else. I am in so much pain and I feel like a damn fool. The worst part is…I still love him, but now I’m just trying to focus on healing and moving on. I never want to experience this level of hurt ever again.

[@mimi12341234567]

​@jdprettynails sweetie 😘 I'm so sorry, don't deny mourning, go through it and you will get out at the other end..life will be good, I promise ❤️ ♥️

[@Boi33-mc4hs]

@@jdprettynails That pull away thing was to keep you focused on “hoping and waiting” for him to return… don’t ask how I know…. So sorry for what you’re going through!! 😢

[@sandiconner1132]

I was a DA during my 20 yr marriage. Everything you say resonates so much. Thru my divorce I went on a healing journey, going to secure attachment. I started dating a DA which had me experiencing periods of anxious attachment. I saw myself displaying behaviors that my ex husband would do, that I hated. Thank you for the information. I was a DA and I can relate in so many ways. Now, I can see how to support a DA. They just feel numb but still deserve to be loved

[@KaylaNoelle1]

I just want us to be happy and healthy and always grow and learn together. I’m getting way better at managing my anxiety, I’m naturally quite calm and logical. And he is working on his avoidance, all I needed to see was effort and willingness. These videos are super helpful!

[@ginacaylor6787]

I have been married to my husband who is definitely an avoidant, for 45 yrs. And what are saying is so true. I have learned some of this myself thru the years. But i have learned so much more watching your videos. Thank you for this information, god bless you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear this resonates and is helpful!

[@Borinquena1973]

I absolutely love your channel and message. People are so quick to judge, dismiss, invalidate, and break up with men and women who are avoidance without learning about it, why they have this issue and to inform themselves by watching channels like yours. It warms my heart. Yes it takes a lot of work, but imagine being, the person who can get through to someone they really really love and allow them to be safe in their presence. Everybody is dealing with some thing from past traumas their childhood. It would be a better world if we just tried to understand each other. I was married to, a narcissist with bipolar issues and had to divorce him, but I still feel like I wish he just got help even though don’t believe there was any help for him. We either move on, but we should never hate. Just try to understand and make an informed decision. We just have to know how much work we’re going to put into the relationship, as long as we are not dying inside. A lot of people have trust issues, but when you’re person starts to open up to you and be vulnerable, listen. Thank you for all you do.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message and for sharing your perspective. It's incredibly important to approach relationships with empathy, understanding, and patience, especially when dealing with complex issues like avoidance and past traumas. If you ever need further support or guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@misschris325]

Much of this video resonates strongly with me. I have my own baggage and, after 5 years, I'm only now trying to understand where my husband is coming from. Before, I chalked it up to him being from a different culture, generation, etc.- valid, but there's more to it. He proposed engagement after 1 month, but didn't want to actually get married for years because he doesn't trust me. He feels like I just married him to ruin his life and take half of everything. I'm way too passive and anxious, which enrages him and drives him away. Rules and boundaries were never set-up. It may be too late now, but here I am all the same. Thank you for your diligence and sharing this invaluable information.

[@KP-vl1to]

All humans require some level of patience ,grace and acceptance . The avoidant is basically coming with all their frustrating issues stuff up front vs having to guess. I'm fearful avoidant and most of my anxious attachment has been healed...but there sre moments ..and my avoidant man isso patient and kind with me. I have made boundaries with myself to never sttack the man i Love...if i feel triggered by him, I am sure to communicate that and make sure he knows that im feeling scared and i direct my feelings at the thing thst triggered me as well as asking myself why i felt triggered. He learns how to be more self aware and communicate with me.. The avoidant loves me so much. He's scared of disappointing me and worries that I'll run away. These people who keep saying avoidants aren't worth it, are completely validating those negative self beliefs of the avoidant as well as being completely unaware of how much patience they have been given. Those people will never find love until they stop only seeing the relationship from a one sided perspective. You can't make everything about your own needs for validation and safety and just give your partner the love you want.

[@oambitiousone7100]

You may have a third book in the making here, talking about the different ways to build these chemicals for the different attachment styles: a relationship recipe booked to build these bonding chemicals. For the anxious, for the avoidant, for the anxious or avoidant male, for the anxious or avoidant female.

[@SarahXu-ut3zf]

Wow, I am so shocked by the client story, I think it perfectly explains why my guy who is the most loving and caring person to me, who thinks that I am beautiful, sexually attractive, fun to hangout and spend time with, would also suddenly declaims "I am not interested in relationship with you, I have no feeling towards you, I am sure about that and it will never change." and also says "If you have a lot of feelings towards me maybe you should consider be away from me for a while and come back when you don't have feelings, so we can be fair towards each other." 😅I don't know if this is ever fixable, but I am glad to know that I am not alone here and also I am not crazy.

[@dianaballon0210]

Oh god these are the exact phrases I have gotten from my avoidant as well. I am one of the very few people in his life and I know he adores me because of how much he does for me. But when he says those kinds of things it's so hurtful 😩. i am starting to understand that it happens specifically when he is feeling pressured by me about something (committment, promises, etc.). I'm all for giving him the space he needs but I'm not into being mistreated, so some limits will be necessary.

[@verb0ze]

Honestly, I think these are conversations that should be had in any relationship where there's intention to commit and marry. Marrying someone without knowing how you're going to manage the household is crazy to me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Marriage definitely is a huge step and commitment. What else do you think should be discussed beforehand?

[@misskhoury1765]

Also please talk about avoidants who have multiple kids with a history of relationship trauma. His kids are his purpose and he is always with them and so focused and attentive to their needs but not in his relationship.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Kids are usually safer to connect with, and also avoidant men are extremely sensitive to the hurt in the world so they often do try hard to shelter their kids. Not all of them do this, but many are very attentive parents.

[@Christinelsa]

My husband of 13 years I suspect is avoidant and we have two sons, oldest is 12. It’s definitely a concern in my mind because i don’t see him connect with them in the way i see attachment, but he is VERY present and involved with them. Coaches their teams, helps with homework, holds them accountable. He can be highly critical due to perfectionist/somewhat controlling tendencies so i do wonder about that. It’s like he can’t escape the mess that comes with raising kids, so he tries to control whatever he can, like the condition of the house and yard, but often places pretty unreasonable expectations on them. I wonder if it’s all a “wash” considering how much he does care for them.

[@dvegas]

I really like these videos. I'm anxious (lean mostly secure now) and been around my fair share of avoidant people, both personally and professionally. Sitting down together and assessing ALL the risk is very important. And being with people who WANT to work on the relationship is key - without that, you're wasting precious time. If someone says they aren't ready, motivated, or unsure, the best thing is to thank them for their time and walk away. Then work on yourself to be the best version of you and meet someone more compatible. We can't force anyone to change or be in a relationship with us. No matter how much we may want to. Even if its hard, the best thing I did was to walk away from avoidant people who didnt have the capactity to meet me halfway.

[@JenMaunier]

This is so funny for me, he’s been telling me to buy a dog so many times as I tried to cuddle, like litterally « go get a dog if you need cuddles» 😂😂😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Is this something that's said constantly in your relationship?

[@JenMaunier]

@@AttachmentAdam well it has been said about 4 or 5 times. And since I started giving him space, and stopped asking for cuddles he never mentioned it again. My 5 yo daugther mentioned yesterday that I used to cry a lot. And I realised that I stopped feeling miserable for a long time now thanks to you. Now I choose specific moments to cuddle, I don’t ask I just get close to him and put his arm around me, and i leave him space for lonnnng period of times after that. Now he tells me where he’s been without me asking, and tells me most of the time who just sent him a message although I didn’t ask and he gives me a little bit more kisses. Long way to go, but so much positive things, thanks to you ❤️

[@sarahweizhenxu]

This is so funny. A typical conversation. "Do you think I am pretty?" "Yes", "Do you think I am sexy?" "Yes", "Do you think I have a good personality?" "Yes", "Do you like to spend time doing things together?" "Yes", "Do you want to have sex with me?" "Yes", and, "Do you want to be physically intimate and cuddle with me?" "No." 😂😅

[@wiellin270]

Adam! I am an avoidant attachment man; who also has obsessive compulsive disorder.. this series almost brings me to tears, as I am FINALLY understanding that I am not a terrible person, I am not a psychopath, I am not a womanizer. My intrusive thoughts manifest in ways that make me even more afraid and even more avoidant.. to sex.. to intimacy.. to how gross sex is to begin with, and over coming my compulsive tendencies with the grossness of contact is a first step. Then.. beyond that I run into my avoidance that just justifies my compulsions and intrusive thoughts! I am so alone and so afraid, I am struggling to feel. I need help.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Please email me at [e-mail]

[@SK-no2pp]

If a relationships has become toxic or detrimental to your wellbeing you may have to acknowledge the need to step away. This doesn't mean you have stopped loving your partner or that you blame them for the things that didn't work out - it means you are taking care of your own psychological and emotional needs. Ask yourself how are we growing? How does this relationship serve me? How does it make me happy? If you're struggling to find the answers, you may already know the answer as painful as it might be. You will need to decide if you are able to truly accept the distance. If it causes you more pain than you can bear, and leaves you in a mindset of bitterness and resentment, then you need to consider leaving. You shouldn't have to dismiss your needs and accept the absence of connection if it's having a damaging impact on you. Everyone has different levels of closeness they can tolerate - no one is to blame, it's just not the right fit.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your thoughtful insights. It's crucial to prioritize our well-being in relationships. Reflecting on how a relationship serves us and contributes to our growth is essential. What strategies or practices have helped you navigate such reflections in your own relationships?

[@wendylee796]

I thought I was an avoidant woman but sounds like it is men that are avoidants. This sounds exactly like the avoidant in my life . I am grateful to have the whole picture. And abundantly clear that this is not something I want in my life. Feel like I dodged a bullet. Thank you ! I am out. I don’t think avoidants are bad but I am not someone who can handle this. Nope !

[@user-jj2dj4gb9g]

Weakling

[@ekerhulas]

So encouraging!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate you!

[@HellenofTroy897]

You look very happy and contented Adam and your videos are an excellent resource. I scared my DA away...i hope he reaches out to me so that i can practice everything I've learned from you. I miss him so much.😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so sorry to hear he's backed off, but many times they do come back. Make sure you're fully secure when he does come back so you'll be able to present the best options to him without scaring him again. Have you become fully secure yet?

[@HellenofTroy897]

@@AttachmentAdam Yes. Been celibate 15years working on myself. He's a wonderful guy but was distancing every now and then which made me overthink and become anxious. I called him out on this in December (we both didn't know about attachment styles at this time), had a big fight (on text🥴) and he pulled away. Said he's working on himself..but he's been silent so far.😟

[@muma6559]

wow! That's a great explanation. Thank you, well done. I'm understanding it more and more

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you've found this helpful - happy to help! Which part stood out the most?

[@muma6559]

@@AttachmentAdam the part that they have been treated extremely unfairly and that they need safety in FAIRNESS ! Makes total sense. I've heard hours and hours of "insecure attachment" but that nails it. Accepting and opening that dialogue is key

[@nohillforahighstepper]

Yes, at some level, it will always be this way. Security is a sliding scale for us. We may become more comfortable with a spouse, maybe, but we will never become whole. For me particularily, I have been married for 22 years. We have a good marriage but not great. After 22 years, she is the only person that I can "trust". But she doesn't have my entire trust. I still have days where I fear she is leaving. My intuition is a detriment to a healthy marriage.

[@butterflyempress777]

Thank you soooo much!! 🙏👌

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're welcome! Which part was the most helpful in you opinion?

[@ko.lee_asmr]

Do you have videos like this for men on how to love their female anxious partner?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sure, this is exactly what you're looking for: kzbin.info/www/bejne/a2jceHqbn5Vjpbsfeature=shared - Feel free to share your thoughts afterward!

[@hspinnovators5516]

It's the deactivation strategies and their avoidance of empathy is so hard to survive being on the other side

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. It sounds incredibly tough to be in a situation where empathy feels distant and deactivation strategies create barriers. What strategies have you found helpful in coping with the challenges of loving them?

[@msrae78]

This Part …. My DA stood me up On purpose on Sunday !!! He says he needed space but was afraid of my reaction so he ghosted me for 3 hours … I was so shocked, I just felt like he didn’t value me or my time ! I have given him some space but how do we get past this !!

[@kaitlin8669]

I started ghosting my DA back to let the pressure off. I know he dreaded seeing me so what was the point? He already saw me as ugly and undesirable. The more I ghosted him back the more I was able to let go of him.

[@creatureofstyle]

@@msrae78 Mine did that to me several times. I talked to him about it every time. Told him how it made me feel and why it made me feel that way... logic The 4th time he did it I broke up with him. This was 2 months in, I figured if he wasn't going to be on his best behavior that early in the relationship then he never would be. I broke my own heart when I did that but I want to feel loved and appreciated too, and the way he was treating me and ignoring my boundaries didn't make me feel that way

[@zebrastripes3786]

@@creatureofstyleI love it !! Striving to be like you. You should never have to chase anyone for love. Period !!

[@howardmencini3040]

I'm avoidant. The way to keep me around is by force.

[@bumblebee74911]

Well Howard, you made me laugh with that comment lol😅

[@howardmencini3040]

@@bumblebee74911 When trust is often broken, loyalty must be proved.

[@brandonwasemiller8713]

Lol

[@karasmusic123]

Like with those canes with a hook at the end?

[@beatricebliss9379]

That sounds so sad...

[@Adriana.Gabriela]

14:35 a lot of people need to hear this

[@SkyBlue-bs7uj]

Nice suite and beautiful color thanks for sharing your knowledge Sir

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed the insights. If you have any questions or topics you'd like to explore further, feel free to ask!

[@SkyBlue-bs7uj]

Thank you Sir, I appreciate your kindness. I was thinking to invest to your course,perhaps in the future when I would be able to invest on it. I love your channelI listen everyday and its beneficial@@AttachmentAdam

[@ko.lee_asmr]

How does one bring up the financial plan to an avoidant?

[@lydiavisvader9706]

Hi Adam, thank you for these videos. I am four years into a marriage with an Avoidant man, I am anxious attachment. It’s been very lonely, and I have recently started disconnecting my feelings from him, this results in a lot of giving him space, but will this be a hindrance to me reconnecting with him? Right now that feels like the last thing I could possibly manage since it would require so much work on my end.

[@HikerGirl-ct3nd]

I would stope caring about his need and start looking after your needs

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there. Marriages are hard and take a lot of skills and work for them to last and be fulfilling. I'd love to offer you support and provide you with resources that will help you reconnect with your husband and create a lasting, fulfilling relationship together. Feel free to send me an email here: [e-mail] and let's get started.

[@kaitlin8669]

Just focus on yourself for right now

[@Juniperlox]

@@kaitlin8669 It's hard to focus on ourselves, as anxious attachments, when things like this happen in relationships. its all we're thinking about because we're ANXIOUS.. its in the name.It's like telling someone having an anxiety attack to just "calm down". Focusing on herself sounds great. but what really needs to happen is communication, exercising the skills that are being explained in Adam's videos. Work needs to be done.

[@2susanj]

I enjoyed this video, unfortunately, it's not obvious how to find the other two videos....

[@AttachmentAdam]

Here is part 1: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eofCpWZtZ7uXq5Y and if you search for "avoidant" on my channel all related videos will pop up for you 🤝

[@vykryl65]

I told my wife 2 things to keep me present, turn the tv down or off and send your friends home. We should'nt have company more days than we don't. My job is driving equipment, i dont want to listen to a blaring tv or stereo

[@AttachmentAdam]

How did that convresation go?

[@vykryl65]

@AttachmentAdam her friends and TV were more important. She wanted couples counseling, that ended when the counseling duo didn't agree with her. I ended up moving out, 2 years ago next month. I live with my grandma now. My grandpa died 3 years ago, so it gives her someone in the house

[@Dan1ell]

Sounds like you choose a woman who didnt fit you (fun, likes to be surrounded by friends) and then tried to change her into the type of woman you actually wanted (quiet, stays home alone). You call it “found tv and friend more important” but seems more like she saw the mismatch and moved on.

[@vykryl65]

@Dan1ell it didn't start out that way. I won't say that I wish I'd never got into this relationship. I still have a good relationship with my stepson, he has one stable parental figure. He is 25 now, turned 12 just before I married his mother. Guess that means he was 10 when we first met. His father was never in the picture. I'm not getting any deaper into the back story of my wife and son, before I entered the picture, on open forum.

[@matthewnorris203]

A man having needs means a woman has to put in work. Who thinks woman want to do all that? 🤚

[@kbc1883]

Would you ever consider interviewing a partner of an avoidant about their experience after healing the relationship using these techniques? I’d love to hear how the partner is getting their needs met and experiencing the whole relationship once they have soothed their avoidant partner and loved their partner, in the way that you describe in your videos. When the non-avoidant partner reduced demands and provides choices and gives space, what have non-avoidant partners done to meet their own needs if the avoidant partner chooses the less affectionate, less sexual, less emotional options. I'd love to hear from real partners who have learned how to meet their own physical and emotional needs while staying with an avoidant partner.

[@user-wr3gy7el2h]

I wasted 15 years of my life w an avoidant He broke up w me said we have nothing in common he broke up w me 2 weeks after giving me a ring the ring I asked for I hate avoidant people They are ruining healthy people life’s it’s too late for me to have kids my advice to people who are young If you met an avoidant = run Ría as fast as you can don’t stay w them you will live in misery This channel is very helpful but too late for me He wants to be my friend but I don’t have it in me 🤮

[@AttachmentAdam]

It seems like you've been through a draining and frustrating experience to say the least and I'm sorry you had to go through that. What would you say it was that caused the relationship to end that way after making a commitment?

[@juliettailor1616]

Exactly. RUN. They take up the best years of your life and ruin your chances for having a family and someone with who you can grow old together.

[@AD-hh6dd]

@attachmentAdam I was hoping to hear what not to do…the first video although helpful was actually all about what to do with the exception of the advice not to chase which was only a tiny percent of the video. Can you tell us explicitly what not to do?

[@kbc1883]

I have watched so many of your videos. And it’s great information! What I don’t hear addressed, and what I am still confused about is this: if the avoidance partner does all this, and loves the avoidant in the way, that is best for the avoidant, what can the partner expect to get out of it themselves? I understand How this helps the avoidant feel soothed and able to relax and bond. But what it doesn’t address is how does the partner of the avoidant then get their own needs met? What does loving the avoidant in the way that is good for the avoidant produce for the partner? What can the partner reasonably expect to get out of the marriage once the avoidant has lowered cortisol and is more open to bonding because the partner has loved them like they want to be loved? Will the avoidant become capable of loving the partner in the way that the partner needs to be loved? or is the main outcome that the two people can stay together in a somewhat calmer marriage? I’d love to hear some descriptions of healed relationships that describe how the non-avoidant partner is getting their need for cuddles and sex and communication and connection in the relationship meant by the avoidant. I just don’t have a vision for what that actually looks like and would love to hear examples of what a more functioning relationship where both partners are getting their needs met actually looks like. What are the specifics that are happening, the logistics, what are both partners doing to demonstrate love for the other?

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a great question. When an avoidant partner feels safe, they can become more emotionally available, affectionate, and open to communication. This can lead to a more balanced relationship where both partners' needs are met. I encourage you to email me at [e-mail] to discuss this in more details.

[@misskhoury1765]

Can you please talk about why they don’t communicate often? Mine can go weeks without calling me. Just texting.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You should check out the livestream replay I did from last night about how avoidant men communicate completely differently!

[@Melody9616]

Probably he has already a woman in his life.

[@SK-no2pp]

Is that good enough for you? Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores next to you. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life

[@LindseyGarcia0918]

I am so sorry 💔. This is painful for you. I'm curious: why stick around? My partner is avoidant but responsible and never avoids reply. He does need a lot of alone time and has been clear that he doesn't want to talk after work. But if I call he WILL answer. He's a grown man. Please know, you are worth communication.

[@OlderWomenRock]

That would be so painful . This to Me indicates He isn’t worth investing in . Avoidant or not that’s no way to build a relationship Have You let Him know Your needs for communication?

[@minorityfeisty4890]

How are you supposed to know whether your avoidant is afraid but wanting a loving relationship, or is beyond help? How do you tap into their willingness to self reflect? Currently trying all the suggestions but am hitting a wall. It's frustrating.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you, it can definitely be frustrating and confusing. You tap into that by effective communication and confident boundary setting. I'm in the process of finishing up a video course on avoidant attachment which focuses on these questions among others and I encourage you to check it out. Please stay tuned.

[@babyalligatorr]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you for your reply! I love all your content. Definitely staying tuned!

[@user-il5yj1jv7o]

They are not babies, just like the people who have anxious attachment arent crazy. Its an insecurity they can overcome but theu have to realize that and learn more about themselves

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely! It's all about self-awareness and personal growth. Thank you for sharing your perspective!

[@mahersaeedTV]

Is it possible to build a safe loving long relationship relationship with an avoidant? The person I have feelings for share the same thing with me but they don’t want a long distance relationship…does it mean they don’t want a relationship with me anyway?

[@daughteroftheking6402]

Ask them yourself. They would know more than he would, considering they’re the one that said it, sounds like they just don’t want to do long distance relationships. Some people assume they are much harder to keep afloat

[@LindseyGarcia0918]

Adam, help!!!! My avoidant partner loves me, says I love you daily, fell in love with me immediately, and although he vowed he'd never marry again after a painful & god-awful first marriage, he wants to marry me. Many positives right?! BUT HE HATES TALKING. I'm actually the one who wants a marriage contract and to discuss everything but he can't stand discussion and answering questions and frequently sweeps things under the rug. What's up with this?!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'd love to help. I encourage you to send me an email at [e-mail] where we can discuss this privately and in more detail. We'll figure it out together.

[@Dan1ell]

Real question, how do you feel loved by someone you cant talk to and who doesn’t talk to you?

[@lizknott6999]

Hi Adam. What if your ex dismissive avoidant is in denial that he has avoidant issues. I've tried to get him to listen and in the nicest possible.way, but he says my assumptions are all wrong. Ive just started no contact with him. Thanks

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, I encourage you to send me an email at [e-mail] so we can talk about this privately and find a solution together.

This is exactly what happened to me 😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

Are you still together or broken up?

[@heatherblack7593]

So many things you say make sense, but I’m not sure about the whole sitting down and defining everything constantly. My avoidant seems to really hate talking about things and talking things out, even though it’s calm and rational and I go out of my way to ask what he needs, etc. I feel like he finds it boring or just exhausting or not interesting. Not sure if this matches his attachment style.

[@AM-ut7dg]

I agree with 90% of what was said in this, but respectfully, a man making you wait for 8 years for marriage is not worth marrying, and its got nothing to do with avoidant attachment. My ex was anxious and he made me wait for almost 7 years before I lost it and ended it because of lack of effort.

[@oambitiousone7100]

Would you address the difference between being transparent with him and being controlled by him? For instance, total transparency, meaning he wants to see my message conversations with my girlfriends that might include discussion about him. You know how girlfriends bounce things off each other. He wanted to see that stuff. I thought that was invasive, especially considering I was not allowed to see a therapist, and talking to my girlfriends was my only option. And then he wanted to see what we were saying.

[@Dan1ell]

Sounds like a narcissist, not an avoidant.

[@YamileYemoonyah]

The man you are dating is controlling and that is very unhealthy and could even be dangerous. It’s a completely separate problem from being avoidant.

[@dianaballon0210]

My avoidant is very specific about me not sharing any information about him with my friends or family. I understand his motivation, because he shares very vulnerable details of himself with me, which he sees as a potential weakness. People he doesn't know cannot have that information. I would be almost seen as a traitor if I were to disclose what I know about him. I respect that a lot because I know people could use that information against him. It has happened a couple of times, and since I care about him very much I am very very careful about this. Both with my friends and family I am very general and vague with the things I share about him. I tend to figure things out by myself and avoid others' opinion. If I ever need it, I focus on MY thought process and MY feelings and not about him. AND he doesn't ever read my private conversations. First hard limit: he needs to trust me on this. And I am very serious about being trustworthy. He does the same for me. Also, I don't know why are you not 'allowed' to see a therapist, but if he is the one not giving permission, I will say that is a little extreme. A therapist is a professional. That would be a second hard limit for me: I decide what I need, and if I need a therapist, I will get one.

[@oogaboogass]

How to date an avoidant man? Don't.

[@pinkamenapie3367]

That's a job for AI robots. ❤

[@travelwithayona5786]

How to be intimate with him without scaring him off. He is so avoidant to the point where he can handle physical proximity. ( but he cheats) Please do a video on intimacy and sex life.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for that suggestion. I encourage you to check the playlist on my channel titled 'Vasopressin Bonding - The Key To Deeper Connection In Your Relationship' and let me know if you find the answers you're looking for. If not, feel free to reach out and I'll be here.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Adam my ex gave Me reasons for why He didn’t want to be with Me They seemed like excuses Time and distance , enjoying his alone time , wanting to pursue his hobbies and interests Not loving Me Did He try to convince Himself why it wouldn’t work ? Would His reasons be legit and nothing to do with fear ? He likes Me a lot , enjoys our time together , our sexual connection is extremely good , the best Yet it wasn’t enough He did commit but left twice

[@eddieneyman4035]

I think all your answers were spelled out.

[@taramattieroopnarine356]

When they are not fair themselves how do they think others are not fair

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say they're not fair themselves?

[@jessica11381]

10:45

[@lizavelgun]

I have a question: why to bond with avoidant attachment people, at first place?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question. If you're not securely attached, you may tend to attract partners who also aren't secure. Unless these relationship patterns and behaviors are recognized and fixed, they will keep repeating. This includes romantic and platonic relationships as well. Does this help?

[@lizavelgun]

@@AttachmentAdam yes, absolutely. Thanks

[@czarna.slask87]

There are far too little subscriptions to this Chanel!

[@rebeccabitto6950]

Not worth to love them. They don't have the capacity to reciprocate it. 🥴✌🏼💕

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you think they don't?

[@nakitanash2189]

More specifically, maybe the have the capacity but keep choosing not to try something different 😢

[@thetravelfairy]

Does it make sense that he wants to have sex less the closer we are getting ? I don’t understand this at all ….

[@AttachmentAdam]

There may be an underlying issue or fear that he has. I encourage you to reach out to me through [e-mail] so we can discuss this in private and in more detail. How have you both communicated about this change, and is he open to discussing his feelings?

[@unlimited971]

Great so avoidant is the new trendy terms

[@kaitlin8669]

So this woman was doing everything perfect and the DA still saw her as ugly? I'm glad that it worked out eventually for that couple because the avoidant got therapy but most avoidants avoid therapy. However, this is just more proof to me that women should keep their standards high. We have standards for doctors, teachers and other professions. I still don't see a pay out in encouraging a a woman to invest in someone who will just dump them if they get cancer, pregnant, or show some small imperfection. From what I have seen, avoidants get upset when women ask for any kind of need. Women should be looking for a guy who will be there for her in sickness and in health and return the favor to him. Why should a guys who abandons and layoffs people be rewarded with care that from what I can see they will most likely never return? There are lots of nice sweet guys out there who should be given priority, who are usually ignored. This is a huge risk. How long should a woman wait around for this avoidant guy? 6 months, 5 years, 10 years 20 years? I've seen so many women lose their fertility over guys like these- because they were encouraged to wait on these guys and told the desire for marriage was bad by other gurus (not you Adam). If we we encouraged women to have higher standards instead of trying to domesticate these guys with excessive tolerance, both would be better off. I called up all of my college cohort after 20 years. None of the avoidant changed after 20 years. All of them are still single and avoiding therapy. So I'm extremely skeptical that these steps work. I had a DA ex a long time ago and these things didn't work on him. When I asked calmly for reassurance, he replied and told me that he might never call me back. Loyalty should be repaid with loyalty. Disloyalty is repaid with increasing distance and isolation unless the bridge is repaired and reinforced. My take is that Anxious women have these problems because they have no standards of how a man should treat them. They believe they have a chance when in reality these avoidant men see nothing but disgust. They don't see love, they see nothing but a sinister manipulative witch. If she doesn't want to be burned at the stake, she needs to leave the poor guy alone.

[@mbrsart]

The whole point is he didn't _want_ to see her as ugly, and he was confused why he thought she was the most wonderful person in the world until talk of commitment came up. His brain pulled a 180 because his avoidant defense mechanisms went into overdrive. When he and his partner worked together to make the relationship better, the defense mechanisms stopped activating, and he was able to see her the way he wanted to see her all the time. There are tons of avoidant guys who are miserable and want to know what's wrong and how to fix it, but they get written off as irredeemable. Some avoidant guys refuse to start the healing process. But those who do deserve better than dismissals like this.

[@kaitlin8669]

@@mbrsart I hope that you do become secure and get what you want some day.

[@SamSun-fj3qm]

Is that fair?

[@SamSun-fj3qm]

Also going a week of no contact while dating= breakup == deleting contacts and blocking on Facebook. Nobody likes being ghosted

[@mbrsart]

@@SamSun-fj3qmHow to Ensure an Avoidant Person Never Heals 101, right here. 2 and 3 will _never_ lead to a happy relationship with an avoidant guy. Punishments, ultimatums, etc. reinforce the avoidant person's fear that nobody will treat them fairly. The first one is shouldn't be framed as a punishment or something that only avoidant guys should be subjected to, but it should be a consistent boundary with everyone. If the reason for this is ever given as, "Because you're avoidant," then that will only lead to resentment. The second one is just, "I refuse to trust you, so I will refuse to commit at all until you commit 100%." It does not foster any sense of trust, which is what an avoidant person MUST have to feel safe enough to commit. The third one is just, "You're untrustworthy, so I'm going to punish you financially to keep you around." Why would anybody stick around in the face of such cruel mistrust? The whole point of this series is to help people understand avoidant behaviors so that they can stop making it worse with "advice" like this.

[@mariacaballero2653]

Avoidants want fairness? Honestly, do they know how to be fair? this just sounds disappointingly one-sided. I played so ridiculously fair and it went nowhere except for emotional roller coasters and I was doing all the emotional work. They are grown adults who make their choices. There's too much emphasis on what the partner could do/shouldn't do for the avoidant and not enough on what the avoidant should be doing (aka working on their attachment wounds). 🙄 I'm not giving myself a heart attack for someone who doesnt know how to put in the same effort. I have needs too. And finally putting myself first doesn't make me any less worthy of an avoidant's love and loyalty.

[@RyanElansary]

Sucks when you make minimum wage, have been struggling with this stuff your whole life and finally see some light with someone who knows what they are talking about and charges almost $1K Session. Sad world

[@scrumbun1251]

If you listen to me and tolerate the abuse better, he might change into a non-abuser! If he wants to! You’ll have to invest years of your life into being emotionally abused before you can find out! Have fun! Oh, he scratched you? What did you expect, i told you he was a scared cat!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Abuse should never be tolerated in any form, verbal, emotional, or otherwise. This goes for both men and women. The ultimate goal is for both partners to feel safe, secure, connected, and fulfilled in the relationship by understanding each other and creating that space.

[@oambitiousone7100]

Devaluing : cortisol . 😥

[@AttachmentAdam]

HUGE flood, yes!