How to Make Friends If You've Never Had One | Autism Life Hacks

Many autistic people spend their whole lives feeling like outsiders, or worse - that there's something wrong with them. In this video I'll share two important steps you can take today to develop friendships as an autistic adult, even if you've never done it before!
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⏱️ TIMESTAMPS ⏰
0:55 Why this video might not be for you
2:25 The importance of emotional regulation prior to relationship development
3:50 Part 1: Cultivate Your Sense of Self
7:15 Create a list of 10 things you appreciate about yourself
8:15 Use self-affirming mantras
10:02 Spend more time doing things that make you feel good
12:12 Part 2: Put Yourself Out There
12:42 Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
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DISCLAIMER: Taylor Heaton is not a licensed psychologist or specialist healthcare professional. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Please note that Taylor can’t take any responsibility for the results of your actions, nor any harm or damage you suffer as a result of the use, or non-use of the information available through her website, KZbin Channel, or social media accounts. Please use judgment and conduct due diligence before taking any action or implementing any plan or practice suggested or recommended by Taylor Heaton or Mom on the Spectrum. Please note that Taylor doesn't make any guarantees about the results of the information you may apply from her website, KZbin channel, and/or social media accounts. Taylor shares educational and informational resources that are intended to help you succeed in navigating life as an autistic adult. You nevertheless need to know that your outcome will be the result of your own efforts, your particular situation, and innumerable other circumstances beyond Taylor's knowledge and control. Taylor is an Amazon affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from affiliate links. Taylor is a Flare affiliate and may receive commissions on qualifying purchases from Flare links.
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You are a beautiful person worthy of love!
#actuallyautistic #momonthespectrum #autisticadult

[@DBialy]

Am I the only one who literally cheers when a cat suddenly appears in videos..?

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Haha I’m so glad. He’s a camera hog

[@TessaCoker]

No! I get excited too

[@DBialy]

😄😄😄😄@@TessaCoker

[@fraktaalimuoto]

It is cute

[@heedmydemands]

And in real life too right? Lol

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

My second comment about this topic is cautionary. I'm almost 60. I'm autistic. I'm also "gifted" intellectually. I'm an extrovert as well - at least that's how I show-up socially. I've found three fundamental challenges limit me socially with neurotypical people / situations 1) Limerence / rejection Sensitivity: When I meet someone I like, I tend towards "crushing" on them hard. This is known as limerence. I think about them a LOT and fantasize about all the things we'll do together and how great it will be. This leads to too much communication that's too intense too soon. When I try to suppress (mask) this, I become extremely anxious, and withdraw completely. I'm unable to find a happy medium most of the time, and when I'm finally ghosted, it's devastating, and it can take months to recover. During recovery (shutdown) I stop functioning in other areas of my life. It's very difficult 2) Social blindness / naivety: This ties into the first and goes to the core of most autistic social difficulties I believe. I'm blind to social rules unless they are explicit and consistent. Typical social settings function in ways I simply cannot follow in real-time. If there is more than one other person in the room, I'm utterly lost - unless I'm the center of attention, holding forth on a topic I'm interested in. This monologuing is a defensive strategy that creates other problems. I don't know when my turn to speak is over. I've used social scripts to get by, but this is exhausting, not really me, and scripts cannot cover all situations. The above creates enormous anxiety, and grinds me down. Being socially naive creates worse problems. The biggest is exploitation by bad people. Bad people seek to exploit other people. Vulnerable people. This has been catastrophic for me in both social and employment realms. I don't know how to avoid this without avoiding neurotypical people in general, because predators disguise themselves (mask) as neurotypical. Then there's the social bullying and exclusion that always seems to go with autism. It's a BIG deal, and it's part of why I'm reluctant to socialize much these days. 3) Friendship cultivation / maintenance: Friendships take time and work to develop and maintain. They follow unpredictable arcs because people are unpredictable - at least when you are autistic / socially blind. Autistic people need predictability and routine. It's the bedrock of emotional regulation in a world that's generally confusing, threatening and traumatic for us. Limerence and rejection sensitivity raise the stakes even higher. How much contact is enough? Too much? Should I call? Text? IM? Tag? What's appropriate? How often? I tend to go too far and/or to completely withdraw and rely on my friends to initiate and maintain contact. Frustratingly I'm rarely able to establish a fixed, regular schedule of contact and meet-ups with friends. Even after telling them about my condition and my need for structure and regularity and predictability. Those are just the three main friendship challenges I've identified. There are many others of course. As I've aged, social opportunities have dwindled along with my desire for them. It's said that autistic people are in their own "little world". Well, my inner world is vast. I find the social world of neurotypical people small, mean, and petty. Competitive. Driven by jealousy, envy, greed, power, shame, cruelty, intolerance, and above all else, resentment. Why anyone wants to fit into such an awful matrix escapes me. So I always look for outsiders. You know - other weirdos like me...then we can stumble through this crazy world together - at least for a little while, and not feel so alone.... =)

[@jomoon9391]

Wow, this is my life x

[@chrisboyd4433]

Same here. I'm in my late 50s and realized that my last true friendship was 35 years ago. I can find people I want to be friends with, but I have forgotten how to maintain that type of relationship.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

This reminded me of a story I heard once about this introverted kid who was about to start high school, and someone told him, "You're going to love high school -- it's all about socializing!" He was sort of shocked because he'd always preferred the academic aspect of school. But, he'd been told, high school is about socializing, so he put on this bubbly personality that he didn't like but that he thought he needed for high school. Eventually, someone crossed his path who listened to him talk for a few minutes and then said, "You're so fake." Which may not have been polite but did make him stop and consider the value of being authentic. It's so true -- people are drawn to authenticity 😊

[@MomontheSpectrum]

absolutely! I've heard something going around saying that THE most powerful energy we can communicate to another person is authenticity. It's so important!! And I feel like autistic people have an authenticity radar that can pick up on BS in an instant!

[@promisemochi]

that's interesting. i always adopted a "fake it til you make it" approach. i'm not social by default. but in college i'd force myself to be. i ended up having a lot of friends and tons of genuine conversations. a friend and i walked down the hall together and after i was stopped on three seperate times to chat with people i knew, she said "you just are friends with everyone!" i'd forced myself to be social and along the way, i'd become genuinely social.

[@markday3145]

@@promisemochi I'm so glad you managed to make it work! When I went off to college, my Mom said, "you can be whoever you want to be." So I decided to be social. So I mimicked the social/popular people from high school. Or at least what of it I could perceive. I have since learned that there are some aspects of social interaction that are simply outside my ability to perceive. I ended up acting like a jerk. Luckily for me, that mimicry was exhausting, and I couldn't keep it up for long before reverting to my natural self. That was just in time for me to meet someone else who was also homesick and struggling with being on their own for the first time. Someone else who wanted simple, calm, social interactions. Someone else who avoided parties. We became close friends. And other than my wife, is the only true, close friend I've had (I'm 59).

[@jonaskoelker]

@@promisemochi > fake it til you make it This phrase often confuses me. I don't know how to fake having skills, knowledge or insight; how do I pretend to know the right answer on the test, and how will it help me find out what the right answer is? But, I think it means something like "continue going a little bit outside your comfort zone, until the new behavior becomes comfortable". Since you're talking specifically about socializing, I guess it's important to not be fake in your interactions, but then... why the f[make love]ck is the word 'fake' there?! People talk weird. Me no understandings.

[@knrdvmmlbkkn]

@@jonaskoelker"why the f[make love]ck is the word 'fake' there?!" So now you can shorten "make love" to "u". Interesting. As I can gather, in the saying "fake it 'til you make it", fake is not a sort of falsehood or counterfeit. It's about trying (your best) to do something until you are able to do it perfectly (or at least proficiently). Learn something while/by doing it.

[@passaggioalivello]

Hi Tay. I have never had a friend or an acquaintance. For years I thought I wanted them, but, actually, neurotypicals put this in my mind, because, according to them, being alone isn't acceptable. I love to be alone. Being alone a loneliness aren't the same thing.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for sharing! This is so important to remember. I’ve had a lot more alone time since my divorce and I cherish it. I love spending time with myself.

[@ToCoSo]

If I'm alone it doesn't mean that I'm lonely, is what I tell people. People put their needs on me so often.

[@heedmydemands]

Yeah for some people they would feel afraid of being by themself. That's been me sometimes. Especially when I'm struggling with depression. I do get lonely. Crippling loneliness I call it lol, just keep it light. But right now I'm never alone which can oddly still b lonely. It's hard to keep my thoughts together

[@joycebrewer4150]

​@@heedmydemands😊 I get that feeling. I have been lonely in the middle of a huge family reunion! I have felt that my cat was a better friend than any human. She died nearly 20 years ago, but I find myself sometimes missing her.

[@heedmydemands]

@@joycebrewer4150 aw yeah animals r such pure friends, u can really connect with them. It's such a beautiful relationship

[@promisemochi]

i'm in my early 30s and only really had one genuine, good friend. we did everything together. we hung out every day. she was my person through and through. but my aunts and uncles held a "family meeting" to discuss about me being "more than friends with her." i was so young at the time i thought i'd done something wrong. it put a damper on things. she was a party girl and lived "loose" and our friendship was spontaneous road trips and crashing at random people's homes. i met my ex, a strict conservative, and he convinced me to cut ties with her, saying she's a bad influence. he made me block her on all social media. it's been over 10 years now and i still think about her every day. she's gone from social media from what i can see, and i don't even know how i'd go about reaching out if i ever did find her again.

[@zb2363]

I hope you can find her again and reach out. I did this with someone and I was so lucky she forgave me and is now a great friend!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I’m sorry to hear this. 💔

[@Glennpoythr]

I’m so sorry. I hope you find her.

[@claudiaochayon2730]

Having lost some" ride and die" lifelong friends has left me doubting true friendship exist. But I'm learning to appreciate what we had and as you said make space for new people more in tune and aligned with this more authentic version of myself. Thx for tips ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! Thanks for your comment

[@JamieJenkins2001]

I'm so sorry to hear you've lost close friendships. I've had very few friends and only one super close friend, my best friend that I've known almost my entire life, we're both on the autism spectrum and we're the only two who seems to really "get" each other. Well, she lives two states away now but we still talk all the time, when she moved and we hugged each other that was the hardest I'd ever cried until I lost my mom last October. On the plus side, I've gotten to hang out with her a few times since and it was like things picked up right where the left off, totally seamless. I hope you can have that someday. I feel so blessed to have that kind of friendship.

[@Pink-pj6oz]

Thank you thank you thank you! I had never heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria. That explains so much. I'm a very late - over 60 - self (and family) diagnosed autistic person. I have always thought I'm a terrible person because of my strong reactions to failure and/or lost friendships. Being excluded from group events hurts - years after it happened. Thank you for mentioning RSD. For me, when someone asks me how I feel, I draw a blank. My mother was always trying to make me just like she was, so my first thought would be, "how does my mother think I should feel in this situation?" Sitting and finding my own way of being is hard. I may have to come back to this video monthly to remind myself of steps I can take. "Making more friends" has been one of my goals in the last few years. Thank you for the enouragement

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! And yes learning about RSD has been helpful to me too. Sometimes just having a word for something can make a big difference

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

@@MomontheSpectrum Yes, like the word autism :-) that one certainly made a difference for me!

[@_xone]

5:44 Tay: "What do you actually want and need out of this life?" Cat: "Love, owner! I wants love! (also food)" 🐾😻

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Haha yes nailed it

[@whitneymason406]

I have friends, but when I moved 2 years ago to a new state it has been hard. I still haven't made many friends here, but I'm also very isolated. When I return to work in the fall, I hope to make some connections there. Luckily, I made some great friends online! 💞

[@MomontheSpectrum]

online friends are awesome too!! you can interact whenever you want to and take time to think out your replies :)

[@passaggioalivello]

I am honored to be your online friend.

[@whitneymason406]

@passaggioalivello so happy to have met you!

[@mexreyes98]

​​@@whitneymason406 That is relatable. Friends are hard to come by.

[@Sixxo1]

Honey you can be in my harem. I know we need emotional support and safety

[@hannahowen1801]

I'm taking a step back from trying to make friends. I've been masking for so long and living in deeply triggered states, so all I attract is drama and heartbreak. I'm taking this time for myself. I've got my boyfriend and my cat. They're all I need for the time being and I'mmassively grateful for me having attracted them into my life. I will be meeting some of his friends soon, after putting it off but in the mean time, I'm focusing on number one.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓

[@loveinthematrix]

Your energy is very safe

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This means so much to me. Thank you.

[@sebben13]

When I met my first true friends I really understood how how important it is. Making sure that the people around you deserve to be there was not something I used to think about. Before I had just assumed that I was the weirdo, and if someone made me feel bad it was my fault for not understanding the situation.

[@Tight_Conduct]

Honestly thanks for the warning at the beginning, I definitely was disregulated and probably wouldn't have noticed why I was feeling anxious.

[@kellylucyglostott918]

Thank you for this video. I've struggled with friendships my whole life, most recently (in my 30s and 40s) having people tell me they love talking with me in the moment - but then we never reconnect again. In the last year or two I started proactively reaching out to the people I'd like to know better. I actually had to ask my minister how to do this, because I never learned how adults start friendships. He suggested I invite the person to coffee - it's low commitment, can be short or long depending on how things are going, and it's flexible to schedule. Then, we can talk about whatever we both like. Inviting someone to go for a walk can also be a good option, since I don't always have a lot of disposable income for cafes. Then, you can always decide on other activities you would both want to do. I also had to readjust my idea about what friendship meant. When I was younger, I thought it was "normal" to have 5-10 friends that you talk with almost every day, just from the people I saw around me or on TV. I wouldn't have time to do all that! For me, having 2-3 people that I get together with (one-on-one) every few months for 1-2 hours makes me feel like I have a good friendship level. And, like you said in your video, it has taken years to find them and get to the point where we have a consistent pattern of spending time together.

[@sarahdaviscc]

I agree with everything you've said except Linus has a really lovely grounded energy. He's totally calm and safe and confident in himself 🙂 Lovely purring from little cuddlebug.

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

Yeah - I think she meant "Pig Pen" the Peanuts kid with the cloud of dirt around him, lol... It's thought that Charles Shultz was autistic....

[@chrismaxwell1624]

One big issue with being friends I find is staying connected. I know I will just not have the energy to be friends at times. But then maybe that the wrong type of friends. Friends that never contact me, but like that. I'll reach out when I want seems to work for me. My wife, she thinks that it's weird that my friends never call me.

[@123ElectricMonkey]

I’ve learned that social naivety has really impeded my ability to make friends. It’s SO easy to be used by people who pretend to care it’s hard to let your guard down. Plus I don’t like being around people much. Some I do. But not NTs

[@Flawlesslmperfection]

This is really resonating with me right now. I only have (had) 2 close friends, one of which I have recently ended a 25+ year friendship with after understanding that it was a one-sided friendship. It was so disheartening to realize I only got contacted when my help was needed (moving, kid's party setup, etc.) or there was something to buy (birthday/shower gifts, kid's school fundraisers, etc.). Whenever I reached out asking to go for coffee, a walk, a movie etc. it was always 'yeah we should some time' and that time would never come.

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

Hi, it was that sort of social naïvety and the emotional shock and fallout when I realised what was going on which set me off trying to find out what was "wrong" with me and why the situation happened. I had no clue what autism was and spent more than a year, or maybe even two, reading about all sorts of mental health conditions, and narcissism (which was a big part of the situation and something I also knew nothing about). Funnily enough it was the youtube algorithm which threw me a video about autism. I don't think it was one of Taylor's, but one of the other super autism from the inside (might even have been that one) type channels. And I saw myself. Then I watched a ton of other similar videos and saw myself, over and over again, from all sorts of angles in all sort of situations. At first I was shocked by how I had been treated, frightened by my own naïvety and determined I must find out what went wrong so I could never let it happen again. I still don't really trust other people. But I'm seeing that it was really a blessing in a very heavy disguise - if the guy hadn't done what he did, I would perhaps never have found out who I am. Yes, there were lots of things I needed to learn, lots of social lessons. And I'm doing that now, and as an added bonus I've found out who I am and can get to know myself properly before deciding to connect with other people. I owe a lot to the many authors I have read since that episode and have filled in many voids left by my childhood. In a way, it's a shame it didn't all happen many years ago (I'm 47); but better to find out who you really are late than never. Good luck with your future friend endeavors, social naïvety can be overcome and it's a good first step to recognise that we are naïve, then we can look at how to learn what's missing. There are a few great YT channels I could recommend on the subject of narcissism, which I found were very useful - to understand that there are people who operate with a completely different agenda to us and are absolutely prepared to take advantage of us if we are unaware or let it happen.

[@59spooky70]

I want to share some things I heard that are specifically neurodivergent mantras. The first one is the one I use the most. “If you were lazy you’d be having fun” (as in you aren’t “lazy” for needing to take a break.) “Taking time for myself is productive” “You are not annoying. You are not too much.” “Being perfect is boring”

[@ellienield5892]

I am awaiting assessment for autism and adhd in the UK. There is a group locally to me for autistic adults but I really struggle to go as my imposter syndrome constantly says im not autistic or not autistic enough.

[@Sixxo1]

I know I have it but choose not to be diagnosed and drugged into an early grave. I allow myself to live a moderate life that is not in a full speed sprint with those that seek external validation

[@jessicacash1949]

Thank you so much for this video, Taylor. I was actually talking about this very subject to my therapist this afternoon, but as much as I like her, she doesn't have the tool set or vocabulary to help me describe my experience. I definitely have RSD, but was unable to describe it in my session much more than " I always feel like people won't like me." I do have friends...some life long, but I struggle horribly with making new friends, much less acquaintences. I really appreciate you reminding me to cultivate my sense of self because I'm a heavy masker and people pleaser. I also think it's important to talk about the courage to be honest with people we meet because I find that very challenging. I feel that I know myself well in the comfort of my own home, but when I have to talk to someone (even people I know), I tend to fall into masking and then my interaction isn't sincere. Your constant encouragement and teaching have really helped me understand how much I mask, how that effects the people around me, and how I can start to untangle the mask from my honest self. Thank you for your positivity and vulnerability. It definitely helps :)

[@Brittwhales]

I’ve often been stuck for years in trying to cultivate a sense of self and having to start over when shutting down. Lately I’ve been listening to affirmations from Tyler on the Wake Me Up KZbin channel, and I feel it is really helping me. I keep trying to wait for a stable time in my life so that I can feel comfortable reaching out to others who already have established social groups and having courage. Hopefully I can make some progress with these tips! Thank you!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You can do it! And you’re welcome!

[@Kreageek]

Hi, great advice for getting ready to find friends. About actually building a friendship, I have found that it help to find an activity we could do together over and over, because it allows us to spend a lot of time together with out having to find an reason each time. For my two friends this was going to weekly comedy night for years, and the other was watching a 6 season tv show together.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is a great idea! Thanks for sharing.

[@nerdmommy7114]

Thank you for this video ❤ It’s hard to make friends as an unemployed SAHM. People would want me to make friends with fellow parents, but I have so much anxiety and insecurity with fellow parents because I don’t want to end up being judged for who I am as a parent; not good for my mental health. I want to make friends not because of being parents, but because of my interests. Thank you for this.

[@jessed6151]

I met a friend at the gym a few days ago, he thought he recignized me but he actually used to know my older brother who taught him music back in a high school co-op program. I almost didnt connect with him but after he came back over and asked me if i had a brother, we just started to connect and now we have some stuff in common like the gym, both play guitar, and we love anime. He's the first friend ive had since highschool aside from my brother, but it feels so good to finally know what its like feel seen by someone other than my family. I only found out im autisic at 28 but ive always known i didnt fit in socially, now i feel like i can navigate the world confidently just from simply knowing why my brain works the way it does.

[@T1MB05L1C3]

BELTRE'S BACK!! I've had a few friends but none super close. They come and go, not because of anything bad, but because I move frequently.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

😸

[@johnzimpelman9018]

All my so called friendships, in the attempt for connection have been truly transactional with absolutely no reciprocation whatsoever. In this whole process, despite the rewards of bettering these other people's lives has been truly exhausting. It would be wonderful to have such a connection based on mutual respect and interests as well. I am at the point that I don't mind helping others on the Spectrum as there isn't that transactional element due to having like minds and lives.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I love our autistic community! It’s truly full of genuine and beautiful people

[@rlee7077]

I was ok making closer friends in grade school. Then came college & 🤯. 1 day we were all strangers & the next everyone knew each othet & I couldnt figure out what happened! (It was a small tech school, so many connections made but I somehow lost the when/where.) I found an outgoing husband, & spent years happily doing my own thing around home- until I realized other ladies at church/ around me were hanging out during the day, ladies nights, visiting as families, etc. When I asked some of them how often they go durng the week they seemed like, oh not often.. but clearly they spend a lot of time together aomehow someway! I started feeling pretty left out. The few times Ive showed up af nights out, I def get the stares/ feeling that Im odd man out. Its very uncomfortable ☹️ I like being alone, but feel like I miss out & need support.

[@rlee7077]

Odd "woman" out, rather, as a man would obviously get some odd looks showing up at ladies night 😂

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yeah I’ve definitely felt this way before. Like everyone else almost spoke their own language or something

[@laythal-janabi821]

I still don’t see why I need friends in my life tho !!!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

If you don’t want them you don’t need them! If you’re happy living your life then BE FREE AND HAPPYYYYY 💕

[@Sasbie65]

Cultivate a sense of self. Thank you for this advice!

[@cowsonzambonis6]

FANTASTIC advice!! This helped take the pressure off me to find friends- I do really need to figure out who I am first, then I can find like-minded people.

[@happytrails.]

Ok, I was curious about this, but it seems more like how to find friends, than make them. I guess I was kind of wondering what people do after they've met a group of people. I think it's a bit deceptive because there's a lot more to making friends than just being yourself, or being comfortable with yourself. There's social cues and contexts that people struggle with. For me in particular there seems to be that transitional period where you're in a class or group, you start going more often. In my case, I do ok in the beginning, people might find me funny at first, or laugh. They seem to appreciate that I break the tension in the beginning. But then weeks later, they're all hanging out doing stuff together, and I'm kinda like invisible. The rare times someone took a liking to me because I'd listen to them when no one else did. I wind up on the fringe of their friend group for a while. Sometimes I'll chat with someone one on one, and they'll seem to like the conversation. They're engaged, not looking around, or looking for someone to save them. But the second another person shows up, they don't want to talk anymore and they seem like they don't like me, they kind of get dismissive and distance themselves. It's weird. I don't get it. Sometimes I'm chatting too, I just catch people laughing in the right places, but then they don't seem to understand what I just said. I'm speaking english, I'm told I'm articulate. But something's not right.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Great feedback that could be helpful for me making a part 2 with more practical tips :) thank you

[@Flawlesslmperfection]

I feel this too. I've only ever had 1 friend who truly considers me a close friend and seeks out my company. Most of the time I'm the peripheral friend, never anyone's first choice to hang out with. I only get invited when it's a whole group thing. Any smaller or 1:1 get togethers only happen when I initiate them and if they accept.

[@KNRK379]

😭 your comment is me exactly. I lack the skill to turn aquentinces into friends. I also feel your comment about people seeming to enjoy your company, but not enough to really stick around. I've been told a MILLION times how safe, accepted & and not judged I make people feel. Yet... the feeling isn't mutual? I must be getting judged & found wanting on some level, or they'd not go off with someone else first chance they get, right? 😵‍💫

[@Mitsuna]

Thank you very much for the video, I have been really struggling with loneliness and being very isolated and negative towards myself about not having a friend. Thank you for the advice.

[@Azzi0921]

Keep up the goodwork. ❤❤

[@ryan8488]

I really like this video as it has some great points. Not only to make friends but may improve how you feel about yourself. I also know that it can be easier said than done to not take rejection personally. For me it felt, like this positive self talk didn’t really work. But it is a gradual process, and I find after a few years of working at this, I’m taking things less personally and am kinder to myself, when things don’t go positively.

[@vivianstewart7523]

Taylor, Thank you so much for making a video this week. It seems most content providers are still 'on vacation'. You are such and inspiration-smart AND kind. Even when I don't think I need the information in a particular video, I often find that there IS something for me in there. Sometimes, I've already figured it out for myself (I'm F/65/63) what you are saying, it's nice to be validated in my growth. Also, it's just lovely to listen to you talk about it. Happy New Year! xoxo

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Happy new year to you too! Thank you for your kind comment.

[@patchouleigh_]

Very useful video, thank you !!!Exactly what i need at the moment. Thank you 🙂💛

[@JamieJenkins2001]

I'm so thankful to have a best friend who also has autism. She's technically a family member (my one sister's eldest daughter, making me her aunt, even though I'm only five years older than her) but we grew up together as kids hanging out with each other. We're the only two people we know who truly "get" each other. Ever since my sister and her husband moved to Pennsylvania (I live in Massachusetts), including all the kids, I've been separated from my best friend and life hasn't been the same since. Thank you for this video, I struggle making friends (I have very few and I have only one truly close friend, that being my best friend/niece).

[@knrdvmmlbkkn]

"She's technically a family member" Why "technically"? Apparently she *actually* is one.

[@JamieJenkins2001]

@@knrdvmmlbkkn The meaning of that was to indicate that I don't have a traditional aunt-niece dynamic with her and we grew up together, voluntarily spending lots of time together. She doesn't view me in the same way as she does her other two aunts (nor with the aunts and uncles of my sister's husband) but as a peer. I hope that clarifies my unorthodox usage of the word?

[@knrdvmmlbkkn]

@@JamieJenkins2001"The meaning of (...) as a peer." I see. That doesn't make you not family members. "I hope that clarifies my unorthodox usage of the word?" It does. Just make sure not to use it that way again.

[@JamieJenkins2001]

@@knrdvmmlbkkn I know that we're family members. I apologize if it sounds like I was implying denial that we're related. We are and both know it. In fact, the fact we're family may be why it was so easy for us to become best friends. I don't know. I don't have many friends except her so maybe I'm not someone to rely on to give any kind of definition of friendship, I have three other close friends (one of them being her one cousin from her dad's (my sister's husband's) side that I'm not related to but she is). I was merely using evocative language (or attempting to do so) to highlight that our case is different than when an aunt and niece say they're best friends (usually it means they're just very close, but they don't genuinely have the "besties" dynamic). Maybe another way to put it is we're aunt and niece but you'd never know I'm her aunt from how we interact with each other. In fact, she's usually the "leader" between us.

[@knrdvmmlbkkn]

@@JamieJenkins2001"I know that (...) "leader" between us." I see. Nothing to apologise for. But it might be worthwhile to keep it in mind to avoid possible misunderstandings. Don't describe something as "technically" when it's apparently outright so. (Although I'm not sure it counts as "evocative".) Four close friends - that's quite a lot. Count your blessings! I have zero. Friends, that is - not just close friends specifically.

[@TrinityMorningstar]

Thank you ❤❤❤❤

[@Jenna.g.85]

Aww Belltre needs a sweater. Cute sweater. That’s a good tip to follow what your energy is telling you. Quality is definitely better than quantity, my only close actual friend these days is my fiancé who I live with. Glad to have met you as an online friend

[@mossandmirthvlog]

I love this! Thank you so much for this video! I've been on this journey the past year... trying to unmask, and make connections with people whom I share common interests with. Communication has been a real struggle for me my whole life. I always stayed quiet, but lately I have been speaking up more about my thoughts, ideas, and feelings. It feels good, though it is very difficult, and I've had many experiences where i had wished I never had opened my mouth. I think we all have so much to offer the world, and it'd be really great if we could make more connections without it feeling too overwhelming.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely! 💪🙌🏻

[@oliviac6539]

The cat purring is so sweet ❤

[@MomontheSpectrum]

it's so great isn't it!? i love it

[@Farfie2023]

Great video. Thank you for all you do.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re very welcome

[@CardinalTreehouse]

I think this is an important video: instead of saying things like "get out more!", getting started with a foundation of knowing yourself when so many of us have buried that information deep under the mask is what I believe will give us a better chance when we do get around to putting ourselves out there more. It will take a little longer but knowing ourselves can also help us to be resilient when people don't like us, which WILL happen - we can't be liked by every single one of the 8 billion people here with us.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely!! This is so well said. Thank you for taking the time to share this.

[@anickamelvillens5120]

Thank you for this information, it is very helpful to have someone remind me to say positive things to myself. I have spent all of my teenage years feeling like I had no close friends and telling myself “There are so many wonderful people that I know that I can’t keep a friendship with, so I must be the problem”. What can I do to keep communication and connection to those I want to forge friendship with? I have the hardest time having energy/desire to keep in touch with those I stop seeing on a regular basis because of classes ending. What can I do to recover from long term burnout from this? It is affecting my desire to go anywhere or do anything and I certainly don't feel like trying to socialize anymore.

[@59spooky70]

When she said “list” I immediately smiled. I paused and made a list right away 😂

[@aronskaya]

Just wanted to say that I love your channel. I have subscribed around a year ago. I am not autistic but the things you say make so much sense, that I am leaning towards a thought that the principles and ideas you describe would make even a relatively healthy person more productive, balanced and kind to themselves.

[@Sixxo1]

Very beautiful mindset. To best describe autism I would say it's like a slow lingering depression that doesn't want to leave and generally pulls down confidence and ability to make clear choices and decisions

[@matthewbucktrout3291]

Thank you Taylor! This topic and in particular the emphasis you've chosen to place on authenticity and knowing ourselves makes me want to recommend the book I'm about to finish reading which I love. It's by Gabor Maté (one of my "special interest" authors and is called "The Myth of Normal". It speaks to me , as his other books have done before this one. Nice that this video seems to be on subject for a shout out for the book. Thank you again, for all your videos. You're helping me learn who I am too. It's a good feeling. And maybe one day, once I've found out who I am, I can share myself more widely and make some more meaningful connections. Havea nice day 🙂

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing this resource!!

[@laurahawkins3412]

Just finished watching the 16 traits video and identified with every single one as a 47 year old female. So I had to watch this one because so much of my therapy has been around my trouble with all types of relationships

[@AnthonyAdrianAcker]

No YOU are a beautiful person :) I have been out of dating for 3 years nearly. I gave it one shot when I thought I was doing better, and that was over 2 years ago already. But being back in school after 12 years of dreaming, I am doing much better, and making a lot of time for myself now. And I know that I will eventually cultivate the circles I need.

[@user-xk9rt6ur2i]

Cultivating sence of self is really important! I thought this vidoe would be about how to fit in better or "feel" other people to make friends. Thanks for your advice. It made me feel better. Faking a personality is damaging

[@Sixxo1]

You look really nice honey. Since I have a harem I extend you an invitation

[@WoodshedTheory]

What an amazing resource for where people can get started.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks clairrreeeee 💕💕💕

[@WoodshedTheory]

love you gurl @@MomontheSpectrum

[@TinyCatSpoons]

10/10 cat purrs 💜

[@MomontheSpectrum]

😻

[@benzandchang2314]

Your cat is so blissed out. Seems appropriate to the topic somehow.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Haha yeah he’s in heaven

[@azcactusflower1]

Kitty purring AMSR video. What a great friend xx

[@MomontheSpectrum]

😸

[@typrus6377]

Most of my real friends over the years have been, in hindsight, on the spectrum or ADHD. The whole "think of your strengths" thing has always derailed me. On work review forms, on therapy forms, or anywhere else. I feel like I either get stuck in the "dont be cocky or arrogant" space or in the "yeah, but I'm not really THAT good at those things" space. Not a lot of affirming things in the culture through the Brazos Valley.

[@lyanimoody6554]

I Love how content your cat is 😎👍🏼💙 thank you for this information 🙏🏼

[@MomontheSpectrum]

He’s in heaven and might be slightly obsessed with me 😬

[@lyanimoody6554]

@@MomontheSpectrum hey Tay 👋🏼 my poor brain I read your message that he's in heaven and slightly obsessed with you and took it so literal lol I was thinking oh my gosh he passed that was fast she just made this video a few hours ago 🤦🏽‍♀️smh at myself then I finally caught on because I'm a little delayed and realize what you actually meant . Yes our furry babies tend to cling to us😁👍🏼

[@AnneShirleyMarshall]

Thanks! So true... I'm happy now I don't have to pretend to be anybody but the real me...☀️🙋🌺

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes!! 🙌🏻

[@its.Lora.]

I had one best friend and my jealous sister ruined that (she always hated/jealous of friend since childhood; then as adults would threaten me, like sister wouldnt let me see nephew if i stayed friends with my best friend as one example. I was dumb and chose sister. Could you imagine the family fall out had i chose best friend instead? There is a lot more to this. Blood family is often just blood.) And it's been a decade and i still havent been able to make a best friend bc im often terrified and oh i didnt know i was autistic until late diagnosis. I realize i dont understand social stuff at all and this video makes a lot of sense to my struggles thank you.

[@michellebressette2210]

I have always had very few friends, and been okay with that. It also doesn't bother me one iota that I don't have friends like NT folks. As a ND person, I feel so blessed that this is the case for me...

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Awesome!! I’m glad to hear this. Sounds like many others in the autistic community feel similarly

[@Sixxo1]

Count me as a friend

[@lizziegreeneyes]

Such valuable information! Out of all my resources, Taylor, you're far and away my favorite! And get WOO!!! I fully support the WOO, having recently started getting into the WOO waters myself, along with that came my understanding that I was self-diagnosing as AuDHD as well. But I am also coming to the conclusion that art is so massively important to the autistic community - integral. What are your thoughts. I think there is a super deep connection between the two. I'd love to run some of my ideas by you. My friend, he was diagnosed early on as autistic, he and I want to create a non-profit camp for children on the spectrum, their families and for late diagnosing adults to help them acclimate, be among others who share the same magic in different ways and give them tools to help them as they adjust to living with what I consider to be a gift - my autism. We want to raise awareness and positivity with this camp. We want as many people as possible helping guide the creation of it because we feel the more caring people lending their ideas - the bigger and better it can be. Hope this isn't too much (as I can be sometimes) but I just think your light and energy are fantastic - so please keep doing exactly what you're doing!!! You help so many of us - you've been a light for me.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

The camp sounds awesome!! Keep me in the loop as it develops - I'd be happy to include it in my Big autistic resource guide to help direct people to it. :) thanks for your comment and support. I'll keep the WOO going!!

[@vivianstewart7523]

That sounds amazing!

[@KNRK379]

Ok, but how do you take someone you enjoy time with at work to being an actual friend? How do you get someone you enjoy from a group activity/club & turn them into a friend? Someone you can spend time with away from that common activity? 🤷‍♀️ that's where my whole friend skills fall apart. I'm missing the critical skill that converts aquantence to friend. 🤦‍♀️

[@H.Michele]

Your cat matches mine. I’m in love. 😍 Mine is always freezing too, even when we lived in AZ.

[@anitakaul8323]

I'm just starting down the road of considering that I might have a touch of the 'tism, and the sensory processing and meltdowns, etc, make a ton of sense. However, I have always really loved people and interacting with them (in deep and thoughtful ways, one-on-one quality conversations), and am even teased by friends about how many close friends I make and have and am able to keep in touch with. On the other hand, in new situations, I would definitely go mute and observe for a long time before I felt comfortable speaking. My impression from your videos is that interacting with others for those on the spectrum is an unpleasant, overwhelming chore (sorry if I am interpreting that the wrong way!)...can you speak to this at all? I do need to recharge by time alone, but I call myself an introverted extrovert, as I really love seeing close friends very often.

[@mrstracerx]

This is a great video with quality content that will help many people. I wish the thumbnail was less negative. Some people are interested in making more or better friends don’t necessarily have no friends at all. I am concerned people won’t click thru to watch because of the negative sounding headline on the thumbnail. But overall the video and your approach is great!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for the feedback!

[@oliviersoable]

If you struggle to make friend, How to ADHD may help you. Jessica is a great human being.

[@flyygurl18]

Happy New Year 🙂🖖🎆

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Happy new year!

[@TeddyLovesAxl]

Until I was diagnosed 2 yrs ago at 54, I thought it was normal to not have friends. I’m used to it and prefer not to have any. Edit: Should I not be like that? Or would I find fulfillment having a friend even though the idea doesn’t appeal to me. 🤷‍♀️

[@JonBrase]

The big question is *why* you prefer not to have any friends. I'm quite extroverted, but swore off making friends proactively due to social trouble I had in elementary school. That has had a significant negative effect on me. If you were bullied or betrayed as a child, you may very well be starving yourself of something you need in order to protect yourself.

[@lizstokes9091]

That's funny you said ride or die friends...earlier tonight I talked to a friend to catch up after who knows how many months. We discussed how nice it is, to be able to flow in and out of our lives, yet always seems like we didn't miss a beat. I said it's cuz we're ride or die bitches 😂 we know the other one will always have our back! Then I sent her to your channel 😊

[@mexreyes98]

I have a hard time making friends due to unable to express that i want to talk. I feel like I have a barrier around me. My brain wants to say hi but my voice is silent. I also feel left out, like I do not vibe well with other people.

[@Sixxo1]

I know the feeling, I tend to enjoy the freedom of doing my own things as good as with a group anyway

[@heatherb3668]

What you are saying is exactly what I’ve been practicing in codependency recovery. It works.

[@psyche--]

The cat is... ringing...🤯

[@cultivatingself5618]

I've been trying to cultivate a sense of self for years, hence my username. It's still a work in progress, but I had a lot to integrate before I got to that point. I think I'm closer to figuring out who I am, but it is still a daily challenge.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Sounds like you’re on the right path!

[@theeternal2734]

It's Hard To Make Friends When Apathy Takes Ahold Of Your Heart And The Only Comfort Are The Characters I Put On A Page.

[@user-vm9hs5qm8e]

Where can u get the free info????????❤

[@lanternsown3525]

I often beat myself up when I fail to complete like when I did Inktober this year, I only finished 18 days before the stress became too much.

[@breannaw7254]

I used to do inktober. The trick is to do what you can and not compare yourself to other artists 👍🏾 GL

[@lanternsown3525]

I'll keep that in mind thanks for the advice.@@breannaw7254 😃

[@lanternsown3525]

Thanks I'll check it out.@@caroleholomuzki32

[@jessiekittelson6398]

Kitty is worshipping you 🥰🥰🥰.

[@clickityclick5237]

You’re in Fort Worth!? I’m in Plano. Can you help me navigate how you got diagnosed? I was recently diagnosed with ADD but I really don’t have confidence in the doctor I went to. I’m not sure if I have ADD and / or Autism.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

hey fellow DFW-er. i've got a playlist over the diagnostic process here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gGq3hYpuaLOMfqs And recommendations for evaluation providers in my big autistic resource guide: www.momonthespectrum.life/the-big-autistic-resource-guide You might want to look into Dr. Laura Sanders with nocoassessmentcenter.com first. She was my psychologist and used to work in Coppell!

[@clickityclick5237]

@@MomontheSpectrum OMG! Thank you SO MUCH!! Hope you’re staying warm

[@fishtales2597]

Hi i live in the UK, my son is ASD and 17, he has never had friends i worry as his mum that he will always be isolated because of his outlook on life and how other teenagers behave. he doesnt act like them. i feel he is missing out on so much there are no services here for young adults to interact with autism here either which doesnt help. Hes tried college and doesnt cope so had to leave. im at a loss that i dont know how to help him.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

One of my favorite resources for parents and teens is Asperger Experts. Aspergerexperts.com. They might have some helpful resources for you!

[@EliGamerXx2009]

This we'll help btw I have autism and don't have good memories and I'm 14 and I never had friends I can see all my friends are on line and more so can you give me more tips for how to make friends Btw this comment taken me like 15 minutes

[@EliGamerXx2009]

And I got 17p13.1 duplication

[@EliGamerXx2009]

😢

[@EliGamerXx2009]

Also I can't communicate good so it's impossible to make friends for me

[@katzenbekloppt2412]

I was listening. Then there was this orange cat-tail....and my ADHD started: " Oh, she has also an orange cat. Wasn't her cst a darker one? Black? Maybe I don't remember it right. But I was pretty sure...hm. Pet the cat! It wants attention! It looks small and thin. Mafalda is a fluffier orange cat. Her tail is more round until the end. Where is she? Ah, on my right side, grooming. I can see Findus end of the tail! He is sitting behind the door and his tail is in the open door, how sweet! I love him so much❤. Haaach, finally, she pays attention to her cat, I can calm down. No tail in front of her face. Wait, what was she talking about? Sorry😂

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Hahaha yes I know. I did have another darker cat but my ex got her in the divorce. 💔 but my orange cat is suuuuuuper big haha not skinny at all. And I know him well - I can’t pet him until he lays down and gets situated. Otherwise he will leave. You know how particular they are! 😆

[@katzenbekloppt2412]

@@MomontheSpectrum yep😴🤤 6.15 sunday morning, tom-cat just woke me up meowing and purring because...I don't know🤷🏽‍♀️? Maybe it was not theee smartest idea to try out to make my 15year-old cat-siblings catnip-tea for the first time and put it in one of their water bowls in my bedroom yesterday🤦🏽‍♀️... But I was trying out to make a sourdoug-bread for the first time and I thaught I should also try out something for my furbabies then (it's my special logic, I don't know😆). ----------- Okay. He learned to drink from the water hose in the bathroom some weeks ago and now he always meows when he wants me to put it on for him😼. Kids with fur...what can we do, just loving them🥰 (and hoping to get a little more sleep now👏🏼). Relationships with non-human animals are complicated, too, but for me much more easy. Just love them so badly❤ I am very sorry for You that You lost your cat with the divorce. And I hope that the two cats had not lost their beloved sibling or longtime friend by this. That would be cruel! I am absolutly mad about cats, I am learning about them since my childhood (I guess animal behaviour is my special interest?), saved all the injured animals I found and these two are my longest relationship I ever had, as they are the only two I got as healthy kitten. My former rescued cat died after my son was born and he wanted a cat again, I thought it would be too hard for him if I get the next ill rescue who will die soon. Didn't knew it would turn out the other way🤷🏽‍♀️. So, if You will ever have a question about cats, I am your cat-i-pedia😹. --------------- Cats are okay now, will go to bed again. Have a nice weekend!

[@mr.troully]

How did you manage to cope with the divorce? My partner is leaving me, and it feels like my world is shattering. They were the only person around le who knew about my autism (besides my therapist), and the only one I knew I could be myself around. I can’t imagine ever being with someone else who could understand me like they could.

[@mr.troully]

@@caroleholomuzki32 thank you very much for your reply! I was only diagnosed recently (I'm now middle aged, and it shed lots of light on so many aspects of my life), so I'm catching up on resources and had missed that video. Maybe my partner doesn't need to fully understand me, but I felt like it could've helped. Knowing now why most (if not all) of my social interactions were awkward, I feel like I was insanely lucky that I managed to meet one person who was willing to give me a shot, and that's gone now. Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. Thank you for the link!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing Carole!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

@mr.troully you’re not alone. So sorry you’re going through this. Focus on your own experience and trust your intuition. There are others out there who will see you for who you are. Focus on your healing and create space to feel all the things you’re feeling. There is so much more life to live on the other side of this!!

[@mr.troully]

@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you for the kind words, it'll take time to make it to the other side, if I ever do. I will try to focus on healing, but I know it'll be arduous.

[@Dreykopff]

Here for the kittycat. Now if I could only figure out how to make all cats stop hating me...

[@Celeseaeyes]

Really? Aww. :( How do they act that makes you feel that way?

[@reneedevry4361]

Have you ever had someone show you proper cat ettiquette??? I find most people that have trouble with cats don't understand that they are doing things that violate the cats sense of personal space. Get pointers on how to read, greet and give proper body language messages and you can turn that around.🥰

[@Dreykopff]

@@reneedevry4361 I don't know, just the classic double empathy problem or something. I want to touch cat, and cat doesn't want to be touched. And if I ignore cat instead, then cat will also ignore me. Anyway I was mostly memeing, I would happily give up on cats if I could have it easier with other hoomans instead.

[@reneedevry4361]

@@Dreykopff I sympathize but once you learn the tricks with cats, they are so much more predictable and easier than humans.🥰 But we are both here to learn maybe human friendships are just around the corner.👍

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Haha well. All cats speak their own language and have very particular wants and needs. Lol. A lot of people are wondering why I wasn’t petting my kitty for a while. He has to get TOTALLY situated before I can pretend he exists or else he leaves 😆😆😆

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

It's simple really: Do what you love. As much as possible. Not only will that make you happy - it's where you're most likely to make your biggest contribution to the world. This is te single most imporant "behavioral strategy" I've found to manage my autism. It's not optional now trhat I know. Pursue your autistic interests to fullest extent possible - even if that interest isn't valued by society. As long as it's not immoral, illegal, irresponsible or unhealthy, do it. I'm lucky: For me, it's music! I don't make much money, but I do make friends! =) kzbin.info/www/bejne/b3ukmJ-vpdqBgJI

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes!! 💯 so well said

[@knrdvmmlbkkn]

01:41 You're not kiddding?

[@joshUniqueHandle]

I’m very skeptical of mantras or any approach which seeks to actively combat unwanted thoughts. I think doing this bestows far too much importance on thoughts instead of merely noticing them and allowing them to arise and pass. Russ Harris, a proponent of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, gives an analogy I’ve found useful. Trying to actively avoid negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones is like playing a happy radio station very loudly to try drowning out a sad one, it just becomes a cacophony! kzbin.info/www/bejne/eKaVnGN7fL10jNEsi=9c__9Px-evIsZXd9

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for sharing this perspective! The radio analogy helps me understand where you’re coming from.

[@brightbeacon]

Mantras can indeed be very helpful. As an alternative to mantras, here’s what I’ve started doing to show myself some kindness: Let’s say I’m working on preparing dinner and I keep missing preparation steps or knocking things over, etc, and I start to get frustrated with myself. Invariably, that negative self talk will start up. It’s taken practice but once I notice that negative voice, I do this (which might seem a little convoluted): I pretend that *my sister* is telling me about the negative voice that she’s hearing in her head. I can easily think of a kind or supportive or even just more realistic thing to say to her to help her be kinder to herself. So from the above example where I’m “messing up” dinner prep, my internal dialogue might look like this: “Gosh! You keep messing up! You’ve got to redo those last two steps!” “What would I say to my sister if she told me she said those things to herself?”… “Hey sweetie, cut yourself some slack. Let’s step away from a couple of minutes” Yep, I call myself sweetie in those moments. I’ll sometimes even give myself a hug and tell myself that “you’re okay.” This has helped me be a better friend to myself :)

[@MomontheSpectrum]

This is great!!! And very practical and helpful. Thank you.

[@Peter_S_]

This is very timely and interesting. I honestly don't know if my age 70+ mother has ever had a friend in her life and she seems incapable of interacting in a friendly way.