How to Manage Passive Aggressive Behavior (Part 1) - Terri Cole

Are you able to directly express your anger? When your partner does something that hurts you, do you tell them directly or do you avoid the conflict but act sullen and withdrawn to communicate your displeasure?
Passive aggressive behavior is an attempt at conflict resolution that doesn't effectively resolve the conflict. The term passive aggressive essentially means communicating dissatisfaction or unhappiness about something in an indirect way. Although we’ve heard the term used on television or in films for years, few people truly understand what it means or the negative impact this behavior has on relationships.
Some people develop this ineffective style of problem solving behavior as a direct result of growing up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to speak truthfully, where there might have been strict rules and harsh judgment and/or no healthy model of assertiveness (which is the ideal compromise between aggression and passivity). Children in these scenarios learn to stuff their anger down. It doesn't mean they don't get angry, it just means that they don't directly express that anger, and without intervention most will carry these behaviors into adulthood. This can create toxic relationships because real communication is being blocked.
In this week’s video, I cover:
What Passive Aggressive Behavior Looks Like
Why People Become Passive Aggressive
The Cycle of Passive Aggressive Behavior
How to Stop the Cycle of Passive Aggressive Relationship Interaction
Passive aggressive expression of anger sets up a cycle of ineffective interaction. You don't get the satisfaction of saying it directly and the person you're in a relationship with doesn't get valuable intel about how you feel or the opportunity to be a part of the solution. So after you read this week’s blog and watch the video, download the Cycle of Passive Aggression Cheat Sheet to better understand each stage and begin to express yourself more directly: terricole.pages.ontraport.net/...
Drop me a comment and let me know what resonated with you.
If you want to dive even deeper, my pal Mark Groves and I did an amazing 3-hour workshop all about transforming the way you communicate in every area of life. Get scripts, tools, and guidance to gracefully navigate challenging discussions, address misunderstandings, and develop a happier, healthier approach toward communication: crushingcommunication.com/
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
0:50 - What is passive aggressive behavior?
2:40 - The origin of passive aggressive behavior
5:00 - The five stages of passive aggressive cycles
11:30 - A personal example of passive aggressive from my marriage and how I resolved it
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Stop Being Defensive + Learn to Listen - Effective Communication Tips: • Stop Being Defensive +...
How to Communicate in Conflict: • How to Communicate in ...
ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
CONNECT ON SOCIAL:
Community: www.terricole.com/fbg
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RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.
As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
My book, Boundary Boss: boundarybossbook.com
Boundary Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #communicationskills #relationshiptips

[@serarthurdayne9490]

Jesus, I have a big problem with this and with being sarcastic and agreeing to things and then being resentful. Thanks for the video.

[@arhammonds4492]

"Passive aggressive behavior is a method of conflict resolution that doesn't acutually solve conflict." Wow. I'm already hooked in the first minute of this video. Can't wait to learn more...

[@Bruno-hd9qo]

Same here.

[@deborahtchester686]

You read me like a book. This is something that I have developed because of my upbringing. Communicating my negative feelings or even ideas I know my family members wouldn't agree with is something I was never able to do freely so I buried them inside and they oozed out in other ways. I would see passive aggression manifesting in my relationships and even had a good friend call me out on it once! I am so glad I am in currently in a stage of self awareness, healing and breaking free. I am learning to be bold and express my authentic feelings and being proud of my thoughts and ideas even if my loved ones don't agree with me.

[@theliftexpert]

Well done 👍 Remember to use positive or neutral tones in your voice as you learn to speak about your feelings . Negative and harsh Tone inflections can be passive aggressive as well….. Healthy adults should be able to communicate about anything and do it in an adult manner.

[@lydian4454]

Thank you so much for this. I just realized that I’m passive aggressive and I knew I had a problem by not telling my partner how I feel about things especially things that make me so angry but listening to you just makes me feel better because knowing the problem means I can know where to start changing from. I was literally going to break up with my boyfriend but now I know how I can try to make things better. Thank you thank you thank you

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing. You deserve to be heard, understood and truly seen for who you are. I am holding space for you.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

I had NO voice in childhood; this vid is extremely helpful. Thank you zillions.

[@terri_cole]

So glad it helped! Your welcome ZILLIONS ;)

[@emmakay4374]

"I know what I am doing no more" was one of the most powerful statements on this topic I heave ever heard. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, Emma ;) Thanks for being here with us!

[@patrickdorian438]

My name is Patrick 56 year old male , I know that you are focused on helping woman but I am telling you plenty of men like me could benefit plenty from listening to you. Just started listening to you and you have already began to save my relationship with my fiance and put me on a path of life transformation. I never understood what I was doing wrong or how to change. Thank you please start videos exclusively for men You are so genuine ,motherly( like a mother I would love to have)and down to earth not self righteous. Thank you you will never know the full extent how you are helping. Just bought your boundary boss workbook. Never know how to say no but this will help I'm sure. Thank you again

[@terri_cole]

Hi there Patrick, I'm so glad my videos have been helpful for you and your relationship 💕 In my 25 years as a psychotherapist my clients were predominantly women, so that's why I tend to focus there. But my hope is to increase the joy and decrease the suffering globally! I think the workbook will help if you tend to say "yes" automatically and aren't sure how to say "no." I hope you enjoy the exercises!

[@manuelaherrera8921]

Great vid. I feel like ghosting is one of those super passive aggressive behaviors.

[@terri_cole]

Totally agree, Manuela!

[@kendrasong8606]

Manuela Herrera yes Korean Culture I live with this. My in-laws actually exclude me for 16 years but husband doesn’t really stop it because of honoring the parents.. nuts

[@kendrasong8606]

Sad thing is I am acting PA now I have learned this. I hate it!

[@mac1bc]

@@kendrasong8606 I hate passive aggressive too, but some people have a hard time speaking their mind sometimes.

[@lifegoeson6461]

@@mac1bc true especially when the other person doesn't accept their fault , pretend that everything is fine & play mind games with you and make you question your sanity , Being PA(Ghosting ) is the best mechanism oneself sane and not to be treated like door mat.

[@marcochan1796]

It's really kind of you to educate us passive aggressive immature folks. Life changing videos

[@matildalindergard2788]

haha, was that just a sarcastic, passive aggressive comment? :)

[@francistaylor7223]

Matilda Lindergård lol I think so

[@SR77736]

@@matildalindergard2788 no just sarcasm lol.

[@SeekingDove]

Wow...I knew I had a problem with passive aggressive behavior but now I UNDERSTAND why. Thank you. So glad to be on the right path to healing. 💗

[@terri_cole]

YES!! Cheering you on as you heal.

[@antonioperez8908]

OMG, I had no idea that was the reason why I would almost make us late. This is it! WOW! It's crazy how the subconscious mind works.

[@terri_cole]

Right?! It works in strange ways. I'm glad you're here and sharing your experience.

[@jollysue6726]

This made me feel so much better. I’m ready for the change for myself and my relationships.

[@tegtego5362]

Thank you so much I finally have a name for what I've been doing and examples of how to change my behavior

[@GemstoneQuality]

I am dealing with passive aggression from a higher up at work, we will have 2 weeks and everything is wonderful everyone is doing a great job and then once the expressions soft insults begin, etc, etc. I feel it to be very toxic and insidious. At times I don't have the energy to deal with it, it is constant and it comes out of nowhere.

[@terri_cole]

Don't give up and try to protect yourself and not get sucked into their BS. Zip up your energy and try not to let then get to you. xo

[@yellowrose7736]

I am identifying with this!!!!! With tears in my eyes..... thank you....I will keep following

[@Sundertalesz]

I've recently paid attention to my behaviors and notice that I've been pretty passive aggressive towards my partner. You are right about the households passive aggressive people tend to be raised in. As a child and until just recently, i had always been afraid to confront my parents and siblings because often i would be metaphorically bitten for my feelings and opinions. As a result, i shut my mouth and let my opinions simmer inside until they eventually would slither out in a passive aggressive snide remark or sarcasm. I notive its effects on my partner (insecurity, and always self conscious) and I want to change! I cant bear the pain i'm causing him or my siblings at times and I thank you for this very helpful video, you go very in depth about a topic not many have covered.

[@Hyperfocused_Squirrel]

I'm a foster mama who focuses my love by working with youth. I have been needing a way of explaining passive aggressive behaviours to them, this video is perfect. It breaks it down clean and simple. Love the facial expressions used as descriptors they are spot on.

[@ashutoshawasthi7600]

This was the first video I saw on youtube that actually made me think about my own non aggressive behaviour in a diffrent way. Thank you for this video it made me realised that all along I was just pushing in my anger and subconsciously manifesting them in an unhealthy lifestyle.

[@maiocean664]

Wow! This is jaw dropping information and so empowering ! I always wondered what crazy repetitive and twisting thing was going on. My partner is exactly like that, not expressing anger in a direct way, but steering up situations, being provocative so that I finally explode, or by being sarcastic and even mean. I on the other hand am easily shut down by an aggressive tone and try to express my anger the best I can. But this hits a wall and is perceived as being critical or even dismissed in a gas lighting way. So that I become reclusive, which is a slippery road towards being passiv aggressive myself. Oh my, so much clarity at once is freeing and frightening at the same time. Thank you Terri for sharing your personal experience. This makes it even more clear and approachable.

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy the vid resonated with you! Thank you for your comment and for being here with me.

[@bobbykanae]

wow this is actually incredibly helpful. I noticed I did this once lately and I've been trying to figure it out. Your later example helped me figure out I've been subconsciously making other people act out my need to be abandoned. That's just mind blowing.

[@truthseeker0922]

This is so true!! Omg, thank you so much for expressing it in a way that everyone can understand it. 💞

[@J9felineLove]

This story was so insightful. Thanks for explaining this so clearly. I never fully understood what it meant to act passive aggressively.

[@jakestewartmusic]

You have no idea how much this helps me. I've been extremely passive aggressive in my current relationship. I'm aware of it at this point and it bothers me. I'm worried that my inability to directly confront my frustrations in my relationship is creating a sense of mistrust between me and my partner. Today I'm making a change. If something bothers me, it's time to say it and confront it head on. Thank you so much for your video!

[@christopherdragone8621]

THANK YOU! You're able to explain super difficult concepts in a super easy way, you made me understand so much.

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad you found it useful, Christopher!

[@marvinasimswewinqueendom2543]

I never understood how passive aggressiveness works. Thank you thank you thank for breaking it down sooo clearly. Another empowering video to give confidence in being in a healthy relationship

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@42bwawa12]

She is so true and really knows how to deal with the essential

[@ejconway1]

being a person that deals with this...is was very helpful appreciating you sharing your experience and resolution

[@lisaskillman5515]

very well explained, totally get everything that was explained. I had exactly the same scenario with my partner and time, but I thought it was a control thing he had, keeping me waiting, when he knows I'm pissed off. Thankyou Terri, you have really helped me with this.

[@caleuxx9108]

Terri, thank you so much for this video. You explain the dynamics of PA beh. so well! So helpful.

[@christinebuckingham8369]

This resolution works wonderfully between two relatively “normal” people. This method of resolution doesn’t quite apply between the dynamics between a narcissist and either a “normal” or co-dependent partner. Speaking one’s true feelings and needs within the relationship often meets with “punishment” of one type or another. A narcissist does not want or need a cooperative and mutually compatible relationship - they want to get only their own needs met. If one “dares” to make their feelings or needs known, one will not gain understanding and cooperative compromises. The one who is partnered with a narcissist, will meet with ridicule, outrage, silence, projection, etc. Some resort to passive aggressive behavior to survive the narcissist. Some of us just became ever more placating to them and as a result just sad and confused. This video is great for “normal” partners, but needs a disclaimer for those involved with a narcissist. Been there, done that, seeing clearly and now free and still healing and understanding it all.

[@ursulameyer6087]

Lightbulb!!!!! I...act out...his.... unconscious emotions....mostly anger....continuation of my mother's dance. Well worth the viewing :)

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Ursula!

[@ggsplace69]

Thank you for explaining thank you for explaining all your videos Once again I can't thank you enough Love you Terri xxxxxxxxx

[@terri_cole]

So happy my vids are helping you ;)

[@SmallsGang_773]

Lying by Omission... Concealing your intentions. In order to survive amongst snakes, you must become a snake - Robert Greene

[@iwantthetruthandnothingbut6521]

Might be better to be a mongoose...😉

[@Xim3linda]

These videos are changing my life, thank you.

[@vanessap2814]

Knowing the signals of person having PA is good, but to learn how to handle them is the best and meaningful 'topic' that should be next posted on here 😙 thank you for sharing!

[@kangethewangui4185]

Thank you very much it is very helpful.

[@ArtemisSilverBow]

Passive aggressive behavior is dishonest. Who wants to deal with somebody who's not being authentic? And then resent you because they weren't authentic and led you to believe they felt something other than they did? Passive aggressive behavior is self-soothing and makes the other person pay for it in multiple ways. I don't want to hear any nonsense about how some of us grew up a certain way and that's why we are the way we are. I grew up in a hellscape but I have been authentic and direct since I was a little girl. Your video came up on my recommendation list because I was showing a friend how to cope with her passive aggressive sister. Friends and partners who are passive aggressive, we can walk away. Family members is another thing. My friend use some of my techniques and your techniques and while her sister will always be her sister now she can "breathe."

[@msever161]

OMG you are so true. This is a unique talk on KZbin on this PA issue. You deserve what you do.

[@StephanieWatson-qo6tx]

Very helpful! Thanks so much!💓

[@mlpskinner4454]

I am a fire sign too, SAG . Happy belated Birthday Vic!! I'm happy for you Terri, you found a compassionate soul...Marie

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, Marie ;)

[@MS-ns4ki]

I’m not denying anything .

[@erikathomas2687]

Thank you for this. So good to understand myself and my partner better and to know that there is no shame. When you know better, you do better.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome! I'm glad it was helpful ❤️

[@shellybeau2006]

What an Incredible video. I wish you could be my therapist. I've always known I've had an issue with expressing honest feelings and internalizing the resulting frustration. I had no idea my procrastination and other behaviors are actually tied into this. I've recently become flippant in my responses 2 my mom. passive aggressive issue. I must learn more b/c I'm 54, living with my elderly very ill parents. I mainly do for everyone else at my expense. Living 24/7 in this caregiving situation has caused me 2 exhibit behaviors I'm not proud of I'm putting 2+2 so wrong & I don't want my life to be like this anymore. Thank you Terri.

[@khaiahmann9192]

Very helpful. Thank you!

[@sherryripepi6024]

This scenario happened to a lot of my friends when they first got married, they decided to use their own car and meet each other at the appointed destination's. They also had the freedom to leave whenever they decided they wanted to. Personal freedom for both partners to live their life in authenticity, altruism, and mindfulness is the key to serenity. Serenity does not mean freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm. This way you can go early, and be true to yourself, doing and acting with total freedom and executing all the little joys that make you who you truly are, being true to yourself is not feeling you're being ridiculous. Allowing him the freedom to be true to his own sense of time, and doing everything at his own speed, and feeling comfortable, loved, understood, and not feeling obligated to live his life to someone else's drum is not being childish. Respecting and loving each other as autonomous individuals is a gift you can both give one and other. Learning to honor and validate each other's true feelings sets you both on the right path to enlightenment. He has the right to be late, there are many people that consistently run late. You have the right to be early, there are many people who love to be early. When you both can accept one another for who you are instead of who you want each other to be, is the first step to serenity on your soul alchemy journey.

[@tannerbullock9501]

I greatly appreciate the insight that this video provided. I also really liked that you explained that this a learned way of dealing with anger, that made things make a lot more sense.

[@nannue]

This is awesome. 6 yrs later and your content hit me kindly when I truly need a sync just before meeting my therapist. My parents are constantly doing this all their life and as a witness it pains me to discover that and looking to find healthy boundary around the minefield. Thanks you’re awesome. It’s really hard to find content about passive aggressive without judgement but solution.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, I'm glad it was helpful ❤️

[@michaelames6317]

Very inspiring Terry!

[@karencrecco2922]

I love how you don’t make us feel guilty!

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion.

[@finnianfinnian8359]

So needed

[@dixieg6534]

This is really helpful. It scary that you know exactly how I'm feeling. I want to control this.

[@arhammonds4492]

This video is great Terri. Not too long at all. I liked it a lot. And, I gained from your model of pulling yourseelf back on point. I communicate a lot like you do - and tend to forget my own point....I'm going to practice the technique you demonstrated. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you!!!

[@Mariatiffy]

this is very helpful.

[@domahana643]

best talk ever.. thank u soooo much .

[@terri_cole]

You are soooooo welcome, Domahana! I'm so grateful you're here with me xo

[@HibiscusHaven23]

Oh my goodness! The time thing! Yes! Thank you for this tool so I can quit the dance. This has been a big sticking point in our marriage and both of us match those same habits you explained in yours. I feel freer just listening to this and I know i will be even more free when I put this into practice this Saturday.

[@terri_cole]

Right on!! So glad you found the vid helpful. Thanks for being here with us.

[@PeterCharlesworth]

Love this - well said and great advice 👌👌

[@SamuraiWilde]

Thanks video wasn't too long really helpful

[@BflyConcepts]

Thank you. I love your videos so much.

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy to hear it! Thank you for being here with me ;)

[@nancyvail7631]

I do like this and need help with passive aggressive behaviour..I’m too embarrassed about my behaviour to share

[@terri_cole]

I'm holding space for you and witnessing you with compassion. Thank you for speaking up.

[@kathrynmann6130]

You are helpful....good ideas and clear

[@kelsyforslund3446]

I realized recently after I ruined some of my recent friendships that I am passive aggressive and was learned it throughout childhood! First step is self awareness

[@JordanRooksOfficial]

This video is very informative and appreciated! I have been considered more so of a submissive male unlike the alpha norm, and I was unaware of my passive aggressive potential moments. I realized this with a partner I'm currently pursuing. I feel a lot of the miscommunication of most of my feelings happened because of the misinterpretation of communicating through text messages or fb/Instagram messages vs having an in person or face to face conversation. I would also delete messages after I sent them because I text like I talk, then I go back after I sent it and reread it out loud and usually think of something better to say, or how to communicate my thoughts more clearly later. The freedom of being able to discharge my emotions properly and healthy is a weight off my heart. I'm Also using more I statements to be more Assertive instead of passive. This past year, I feel like I've grown a lot with setting more healthy boundaries with myself and for my potential partner. This video made me really think and go back to old conversations to catch any behavior that I may have denying, suppressing, or deflecting my emotions in any way. I appreciate you so much! ❤️❤️

[@ElisabettaLily92]

I love your approach, thank you

[@terri_cole]

You're very welcome.

[@jessicacancel1613]

I cried thru the entire video.. I Felt This... Thank You!!

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear that it resonated for you.

[@peachesncream2702]

Terri you are so brilliant and on point. And funny! Keep em coming

[@terri_cole]

Aw thanks pal!

[@karlad4082]

This was such an eye opener for me. Thank you! 🙏🏼

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@tylerdavidson5734]

Thank you, very informative. And what a beautiful lady.

[@JabberDay]

What!? You made this video 6 years ago? Why have I not seen it? I love you & I'm so glad to see you NOW!

[@terri_cole]

Well I'm glad you discovered it! Thank you for being here ❤️

[@AuggieX1]

Thank you for this video. NOW - I understandz

[@blessedbirthonlineresource222]

I am flabbergasted over and over when I read the comments on your videos. You have jedi level skills in helping people see and admit their flaws and need to change. 😮 Comment after comment is: I didn't realise this, I need to change. Wow. 👏

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@stevieboots]

Thank you.

[@Skizzeckz]

Real thought. Why does this part of the video have lass then 15k views, and your second part has an incredible 7.8 million views. And thank you for all the great knowledge you shared. You really opened my mind on exactly how passive aggressiveness works and how to handle it in yourself and others.

[@jasonrogers5866]

interesting information thanks

[@AsteriETERNAL]

Thank You!

[@terri_cole]

anytime, mama ;)

[@AsteriETERNAL]

.☺

[@user-xs8ji2hw5b]

nice explanation! also very helpfull to understand how PA works and how to reveal it

[@deannarobles2700]

This is helpful! Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Deanna, You are so welcome. I am happy you found the video helpful!

[@Lee_Christine_Educator]

I loved this soooo much Terri! Thank you and Happy 2024 to you from Cooroy, Queensland, Australia. Your teachings are so helpful to me. 🙏🏽🌈💙

[@Tina_Pedirn96]

Incredible and resonated with me esp the time thing

[@sisi3785]

Really helpful. Thank you 🌟🌟🌟

[@litrim1285]

This was a very powerful find for me, and it actually really spoke to my problems. First off, it helped me to really acknowledge how I have problems; specifically, how I actually am passive-aggressive. Second, it gave a relatable account for describing passive-aggressive behavior. Third, it really came off as empathetic and sweet, not just simply implying that a person with passive-aggression is deluding themselves or going through some kind of phase. It felt gentle, it felt warm, and it even made me laugh a little too. After I saw this video, I actually took the time to listen to myself about the problems and fears in my life and how they impact me. It was quite refreshing, being able to take a moment to break down my regrets and worries and not simply shove them aside. So, in no small way of saying this, thank you, Terri Cole. You helped me feel a bit better knowing just how exactly I can hold things back - and how I could maybe start to change that.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for this powerful share. I am witnessing you with compassion. I am so glad it resonated with you.

[@litrim1285]

@@terri_cole Likewise.

[@anatgsimoes]

Thank you so much ❤ I'm passive aggressive in my relationships. Thank you for your help

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome ❤️

[@tulrob]

Very nice and helpful video...thank you so much..

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome. I am so glad you found it helpful.

[@dafyddaprhys782]

Thanks... you gave me one of those aha moments. Your example of the waiting in car was excellent in opening my eyes to a form of passive aggressive behaviour I had not realised... D

[@soraninja]

I wish I could have seen this video 5 years ago. Thankyou

[@christinastone5559]

I needed this 15 years ago.

[@crissieroserose]

o.m g . the thing about time !! i can so relate to that

[@SweetJustice]

Great vid, just what I needed. My 80 year old passive aggressive mother and disabled sister were about to destroy each other and the caregivers 👍

[@lesleygarvs4640]

I am an expert in playing out what people hide for themselves... If you are shy, I will complete the sentence for you... I want to change... This video clarified that which is a great start... I just can t let go in completing hidden things, which is turning to pain, attachment enmeshment... Ufff🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

[@susannehornig5312]

Thank you for this explanation about the effects and the "cycle" of passive-aggressive behaviour, it's so helpful and revealing, because anyone could find traits ot it within him or herself or detect them in their social environment ... ;-)

[@terri_cole]

Susanne- Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so happy the video resonated with you ;)

[@susannehornig5312]

:-)

[@yyshipman]

This was so helpful. I have the same issue with time. I can relate to this s 100%. I didn't realize I was expressing his anger, too. Very interesting.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️

[@CoachTee.]

Hi, My name is Teriyana…and I am a recovering passive aggressive conflict resolver. I developed this coping mechanism in childhood. I didn’t have a voice of my own and I buried my thoughts, feelings, and emotions so deep that I still am trying to figure out who I am at 27 years old. My passive aggressive behavior has been a painful cycle that I have carried with me into work, romantic, family, and friend relationships. I always knew this was an unhealthy pattern but I struggled getting out of it for over 20 years. Now that I am fully aware that this is a form of poorly hiding anger and resentment I feel like I know where to start now. Reading all these comments makes me feel like I have a community that understands me.

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@mondohdz531]

Man oh man this is exactly what is causing ugly vibes in my relationship. What is sad is my partner would say it is a P.A. remark and I do apologize for it for bringing it to my attention. However, I can't see where my feelings lead me to be this way when, I myself, am sick of being in the same conflict. The way you explained it brings so much ease and weight off my shoulders to just let things be and if I do need to express, do it straight forward and when I taken time to fully feel what is bothering me. We are a year and a half in and after being at this point, I don't know how my partner puts up with it. (Maybe because love does exist there) I'm definitely going to re-listen to this video a couple of times. I really want to break this "dance" that I don't like. Much much much love! ♥️

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy to hear that the video is bringing you a sense of ease. And that you are taking the steps you need to break the dance you don't like. I'm cheering you on from New York!!!

[@mondohdz531]

As a result, my partner and I ended our dance (and relationship) due to a couple of mismatches. As I became more direct to my needs vs being PA, the more pressure he felt to ultimately say he can’t commit. Bittersweet because I realized how much of myself changes. Ever since, I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a long while and will continue to learn more 😊 thanks again Terri! 🙏

[@psalm23sheep53]

This is great insight

[@terri_cole]

Thank you!

[@Bruno-hd9qo]

You made me almost cry,, but in a good way. Greetings from Brazil. I mean, every single time I've ever had a harsh passive aggressive interaction, it was on a feeling I was DEFENDING myself. Yeah, I grew up in a horrific environment totally disfunctional family and etc. Never been drunkard, drug addict, sex addict, gambling addict. Still my life is a hell. I'm applying the 12 steps, taken from AA to Neurotics Anonymous. I'm still learning them yet.

[@jenniferfinck3673]

This video was great! I found myself almost hysterically laughing the entire time! Too funny Terri! And yes, in the end, I did come to understand the concept of passive aggressive behavior!🤣

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@TheSecretElohim]

I love your video...

[@thiagocastrodias2]

Interesting. Sometime ago, I use to engage in some internet groups, groups of discussion on philosophy, psychology and other issues of interest, where I could felt free, interact and socialize more with other people. As we become friends, we use to talk more and more, in a daily basis. It happened that sometimes I felt like some of them were implicitly atacking me, and later I discovered this was really the case (but not always). For example there was this narcisistic guy who had the habit of provoking people, with the main reason of getting some emotional reaction. He use to make these provokations very deliberatly, in a calculated way. He admited doing this. I also noticed these kind of behavior from other members of the group, but he was more calculated and do it more often. With time, I start to act in a passive agressive manner. I din't want to give them any emotional response, even if I was very mad. If this happen, I would feel humiliated, or feel like I was admiting what they were (supposely) saying of me. It was very common to me make these projections, where someone makes a statement and I feel like they were saying to indirectly attack me. But as I said, sometimes were actually the case. Anyways, it was like a game. Well, in the end I finish my relationship with these people in a very angry and intense exchange of insults. I left the discussion group and never talk with them anymore. I never had to pass this with my family, because I grew up in a very relaxed envirement, with some ocasional fights, of course, but with little competition if compared with the one cited above.

[@gokusuppercut5040]

This needs to have way more views then it does its a shame

[@fightgarr]

This explains what I didn't know I was doing to my wife for 9 years. I never knew how toxic I was being.

[@codyhilstad]

Passive aggressive behavior can also arise due to general insecurity, anxiety, and judgements coupled with a lack of education about effective communication, dealing with emotions, and setting boundaries. Passive aggressive behavior does actually require a child being shutdownt, or judged to occurr, it only requires the fear of it- which is often imagined.

[@ashleysartattack5600]

This is such an extremely helpful video! I needed this so bad today. I’m exactly like how you were with time and my boyfriend is like your husband. And this morning my boyfriend told me how my passive aggressive behavior has been hurting him for the past 6 months. And I’m trying to figure out how to stop it.

[@sonamteotia2663]

You atleast acknowledge it. I said to my partner what your husband said and he replied, "I don't even know what passive-aggressive means then how I can I be it?" And laughed it off

[@mrking695]

Makes perfect sense. My husband and his siblings are all passive-aggressive.

[@RichRhodes]

Mrs. King- I knew I recognized you... that's me in the boat with you. Husband, six siblings, 20 years of marriage.

[@mrking695]

@@RichRhodes ha! The siblings are/were all as nice as can be really but were /are just too timid to handle conflict. I’ve always just spoken what needed to be said so I was always perceived as the “B.” They liked me around when something needed taken care of though. 50+ years married for me.