How to SPOT if someone is in a narcissistic relationship

[@CodeDusq1]

Being in a narcissistic relationship will even make your shadow start doubting it’s existence.

[@rottiemom1891]

It's a sunny day and you're telling your Shadow, "it's okay, you can come out and be seen"

[@melmatthews5876]

Brilliantly put. "Your shadow doubts it's own existence." 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@Ravi50237]

Dr Ramani is a clown lol, she was at the red table with Jada Pinkett Smith talking about narcissism 😂 she has zero clue on how to spot a narcissist.

[@Ravi50237]

Well Dr Ramani is a clown lol, she was at the red table with Jada Pinkett Smith talking about narcissism 😂 she has zero clue on how to spot a narcissist.

[@maryd253]

“You can spend your entire life trying to please an unpleasable person.” BINGO

[@gagischon]

Instantly thought of my father. The most sane thing we can do sometimes is walk away.

[@meisterburger8420]

It wasn't a WHOLE lifetime...but it was 30 years to learn a very bitter lesson.

[@Ravi50237]

Dr Ramani is a clown lol, she was at the red table with Jada Pinkett Smith talking about narcissism 😂 she has zero clue on how to spot a narcissist.

[@A.2.0.2.4-5]

Not only unpleasable, but also jealous …

[@christinemunger7054]

I was tremendously relieved when I realized my husband was a narcissist. Suddenly everything made "sense" and could start to deal with it.

[@marieRosavaz]

U r so very right. Radical acceptance is the way

[@tracyking5945]

Being in a narcissistic relationship - feels like you’re on a walk with someone, and they’re either walking ahead of you or falling behind. You’re rarely walking in sync.

[@yvonneb-t3d]

My ex literally walked behind me, every single time we went out. I would stop, wait for him and he'd do it again.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

The last walk I went with my ex husband we hardly talked. We walked to the beach. I swam and nearly drowned in a rip tide. He was oblivious. Luckily someone else on the beach noticed and helped me out. I didn’t even bother to tell him what happened.

[@phoenixrising5338]

I always said he just sat down in the road all the time.

[@Royal_Mindz]

Wow that's real talk

[@skaziblu]

Ever try to just.. walk his speed? You could be unconsciously speeding up as well.

[@Stillpril]

Knowing they are narcissistic is the only form of closure you will get

[@jowhitmer7955]

So true when you finally recognize their pattern. Sad but tue .

[@davidsalo8397]

Getting out of the narcissistic relationship means you will need to cut your losses. Financially, emotionally, mentally or whatever. It's like getting robbed, and figuring out the robber will never be held accountable. Accept the losses and move on. Carry that wisdom with you so you're ready to recognize the next person who wants to exploit you.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

I still think maybe it’s me that’s the narc….even though counselor said I’m not and so many others too, but they get you so confused in the head, you don’t know what to believe. Narcs can fake it so well in public with others.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

You r so right on…I’m so confused now, I just stay away from people, hard to trust others now

[@hippotizer]

...the most sad realisation of my life! Yet so horribly true...

[@Horsewoman-pt2ku]

Married for 35 years with 4 children. Husband passed and 5 years later coming to the realization of what he was and how he treated me. During our marriage I wanted to leave but knew I couldn’t support myself with children and knew he would fight me every step. After he passed I didn’t want anything to do with another relationship. At first it was a aha moment then a feeling of lose of what I never had and now sadness and anger. Therapy here I come.

[@starlingswallow]

Trauma therapy will help, and check our IFS, its incredibly healing!! (Internal Family Systems)

[@matteblak6158]

For me it was the “I think I’m crazy and I need help because nothing makes sense”

[@starlingswallow]

😢 me too

[@rebeccaJustME]

"the best worst thing you could learn" so very true

[@theitdocchannel540]

Knowing who you are dealing with is the first step to freedom.

[@HumanBean-v2m]

YES... You have nothing left but radical acceptans.. USE IT❤.

[@busisiwedube4056]

Being in a narcissistic relationship drains your confidence and makes you constantly second-guess your decisions because you're always told you're too much. The dehumanization is beyond what I can comprehend. How can someone say so many hurtful words? Don’t couples fight out of love rather than pure hate?

[@thatsmynamesowhat2949]

Stop throwing the word narcissist around. It’s a very rare disorder.

[@marieborchardt2910]

I still grieve for several relationships I thought I had, empathetic and loving. When I realized the truth about the narcissists, I could never go back, all hope was gone. What I did was get help to understand what I'd experienced and I moved on to healthier relationships. My grief will always be with me, but it has lessened over time.

[@mskilike1302]

It is devastating to have to admit and accept that someone you love is harmful to you. That they manipulate, abuse and mistreat you. That it's not your fault and that you can't do anything to get the person you love to change. It is very painful

[@Patriotgrl01]

Holy cow. All of this is so true. The statement of “otherwise you could easily sacrifice your entire life trying to please an unpleasable person” is just mind blowing. It makes me want to cry for those who are victims 😢💔

[@Ravi50237]

Dr Ramani is a clown lol, she was at the red table with Jada Pinkett Smith talking about narcissism 😂 she has zero clue on how to spot a narcissist.

[@Elizabelle79]

I went to a therapist. She diagnosed me as Bordeline... then after the second session in which my husband came and talked with her next to me... she took back that diagnosis. In the next session she told me he was a narcissist and that I needed to leave him. I never went back to her. And never told my husband... and of course he told everyone I was crazy and didn't want to get better. I'm so glad that's in my way back past and not my present.

[@ajwright16]

I also sought therapy, online therapy through a well known online therapy site, because I cannot afford in person therapy any longer in my retirement. The first three sessions the therapist focused on suggesting why my partner might behave the way she does. She did not ask any furthering questions about my experiences during conflict. This confused me, and during our fourth session I tried to talk again about my experiences during our conflicts and my partner’s verbal abusiveness. The therapist asked me to consider what I might be getting out of seeing myself as superior in the relationship. I still don’t understand how I might have presented myself in order for her to essentially draw that conclusion. Fortunately I’ve had supportive and life changing therapy at times in my life, enough to know that this was all wrong. It frightens me to think that someone seeking help could be easily gaslighted by a profesional. She drew this apparent conclusion about me after only 3 30 minute sessions. Thank goodness for Dr R.

[@phoenixrising5338]

Wow! How'd you find a therapist willing to speak up? My experience has been that therapist after therapist hasn't been willing to say a thing.

[@anon-mx4jx]

‚I feel like I‘m always complaining‘ was my main thought while being with a neglectful narcissist. And I am normally a pretty chill people pleaser, always was before him and went back to that character after him. I didn’t feel like myself at all during that relationship.

[@DennisWerthMusic]

a chill people pleaser? 🧐

[@fromdarknesstolightwithmel9588]

I went through it. I've been out of it for 5 years. I went through it for 3 and half years. I've never gotten into another relationship. He destroyed me. I can't date or get into relationships. Every time I try, it causes so much anxiety and stress. I'm in therapy. We talk about it all the time and it helps. But I don't trust anyone. I don't even trust myself. It's horrible.. but I am happy in general. I keep my circle small. I practice self love and self care. But I Still suffer the effects of all that he did to me. The beatings, the constant berating, and false accusations. It's taken a toll.

[@jadedjene8786]

Wow. We are similar: Dated him for 2-3 years and haven’t been in a relationship or sexually involved since then, (2015). We have a child together and yet, with all the years between, he still comes with such passive aggression and emotional abuse whenever we have to meet or speak about our child

[@starlingswallow]

I'm so sorry. I was with the Narc for 14 years and he shredded me. Do t give up~ there's hope! Check out IFS in trauma therapy. It has helped me a ton. It's almost 6 years out for me, I'm remarried to an amazing man (almost 4 years) and he is my safe place. I'm glad your circle is small. Stay safe!! ❤❤❤

[@soumyajoseph7429]

More grief follows when you realize someone close to you has antagonistic and antisocial tendencies - someone with whom you want a great relationship.

[@jadegreen1554]

It can also make it easier if one can come to the understanding that acceptance that this is how it is, this is who the person is, accept the disappointment, and let go of them.

[@nocturnalresident]

So true. Grief and heartbreak when you realize they're actually not trying to reach that goal after all, and they never were.

[@nocturnalresident]

@@jadegreen1554 Also very true. I can't think of any pain that acceptance doesn't help heal.

[@BuckleyThompson]

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator [e-mail] to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@actionpls.]

I went through the same experience..my ex wife was killing me with a sexless and touch deprivation life for 12 years. I understand you as only us narcissist victims can relate to. It will be a blessing to one day find a loving and intimate relationship.

[@s.s.8029]

What may be just as bad or worse is being expected to perform on demand, and then being completely rejected when I initiated. We are still together, but there is no intimacy and I am okay with that, but it was hard to get to there.

[@Brian-qg9bm]

Dear Dr. Ramani, What you do is important work. Thank you for saving my life. "Free your mind, your ass will follow."

[@JebidiahKrackedyetagain-xv9hc]

Hmm... In the U.S. Army (and even in the National Guard) it was simply "COVER YOUR ass." Don't know what the Marines, Air Force, or Navy had to say about one's posterior.... Maybe the same??? 🙄🤣🙄🤣🙄🤣

[@emarie7591]

Narcissric Abuse Reparation Fund!?! That’s a good one!

[@Xr2-8fan_810]

The ⚕️⚖️takes notice maybe laws will be written in 7-12 years.

[@nikital.8255]

Having been in one for 6 months too long, I can see the signs NOW. Took me TWO years & damn near $20 thousand to a lawyer to get that squatter out of my house after I broke up with him in 2022. Finally FREE of that leech!

[@jadegreen1554]

Sounds a little like he was a bit of a psychopath too.

[@thatsmynamesowhat2949]

How long did you know them before you got into a relationship with them? How long did you know them before you slept with them?

[@BaraSchmidt]

I was happy when I discovered who - and what - I had been involved with because I knew while I was in those environments they weren't healthy, I just didn't have the back story, language, whatever to define it. It validated my feelings and thoughts, once I found out, that I had during the relaitionships and knew I wasn't "crazy." That knowledge was the genesis of who I am today, and for that I am more than grateful! Stay Healthy!

[@audbaltzersenrameckers8832]

I need to listen to these videos everyday. Like an apple a day keeps the doctor away. This helps me not being so confused if I am wrong. I just got a mail from my ex and it wasn't anything bad. Just he had come back from Spain and wondered if I wanted to buy back a painting he bought from me. He is all about money and status. Today I felt more stressed than usual. And asked someone in my family if he was down there in Spain or back in Norway. She told me she heard he would be there with his ex-wife til June 12. Just after that when I opened the mail it was like someone punched me in my stomach and my anxiety aroused. It's increadable that just one mail from him creates anxiety after over one and a half year. I will not answer that mail. Just be silent. Thank you again for these short but very much needed videos ❤

[@PaulineMesplou]

My heart starts racing and I have a strong feeling of dread every time. I only reply to the messages that contain a question mark, otherwise I don’t bother. My responses are short and boring. Hope that helps! It does get better with healing.

[@prueaddy-z3r]

I have been in devastation for over a year. It is so true what you say. A therapist myself for decades, I am on my knees in the pain I feel as I go thru to understand a lifetime of not understanding the suffering I’ve been. I’m getting it and the 2 year new coupleship that showed me masks can drop after such a long time, the inroads to how I accept abuse from others from a childhood and marriage that groomed me out of me unknowingly. At 66, and in therapy for years, the deeper truths are freeing me of what Ive lived and now heal from a new lens. Can’t thank you enough. It’s SO PAINFUL right now and it’s real and your statement of the abuse is the “hollowing out of magnificent people” I hold dear as I heal this suffering into my own light that never left.

[@alicethomas6645]

I feel your pain, love. God bless you. 46 years for me ,2020 God opened my eyes!!!❤❤

[@atirliag2833]

By the time you get to the end of 25 years is a shocking disgraceful marriage, there is no love, the heavyness is the legal finance and property battle.

[@duckdodgers2647]

Yup! 🙋🏻‍♀️ 21 year narc marriage for me. There's no love. He's already told me that if I divorce him he will make me sell the house by court order even though it would leave me & the kids homeless. I can't afford anything on my own. He's already ruined my credit score too. I need to win the lotto to leave.

[@elizabethbettencourt1116]

Same. The devastation is astronomical.

[@Bobontt11]

You see true colours in divorce, stay strong do what you have to ,they see you in the gutter ,fight your corner ,he won't get that with kids .

[@lt827]

For me it’s 17 years. Still way too long.

[@christinemunger7054]

25 for me too!

[@NancyBrown1975]

So true Dr. Ramani. Narcissists love to say others are labeling them when narcissists are the ones that label others. They say anything to divert from what they are actually doing.

[@thompsonlauren1004]

There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at [e-mail] where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........

[@aq5121]

Those are extremely serious Crimes. I sincerely hope you go to the Police and make a statement if you have not done so already. You also need to make sure that other children are not at risk.

[@Ravi50237]

You’re right in some of the points, but guess what, Dr Ramani is a clown lol, she was at the red table with Jada Pinkett Smith talking about narcissism 😂 she has zero clue on how to spot a narcissist.

[@michellehumphreys]

I didnt used to call my family narcissists either until after over 55 yrs being the family scapegoat and it culminating in a family mobbing situation where i had to go no contact then researching on line about CPTSD and gaslighting which luckily my therapists pointed out to me, that led me to eventually learning about narcissists and narcissistic abuse and scapegoat abuse but it took me over 4 1/2 yrs to finally understand. Its only because of your channel and others that i can even name it correctly now. It devastated my life, my family. I will be healing now for the rest of my life. But your right, at first i didnt know what it was and i was stuttering when i finally made it to the therapist who first told me i had CPTSD. Also as time goes on, with more time away from the situation the more i realize i was being "reactively abused" and had become a target in the community. Which made the whole situation worse and made me look like the bad guy! I have to heal so that my nervous system calms down and i stop being so reactive, but im not the one who started this, it started in childhood when my parents decided to make me the family scapegoat. But in the end I have to take responsibility for what that family dynamic did to me and stay no contact and heal. Its the only way.

[@adimeter]

At 76, my life exactly.

[@inononeeee]

I need help. Whenever I meet a new person, the first thought that comes to my mind is, 'I hope he isn't a narcissist.

[@mrsmucha]

Me too. I have been burned by so many covert narcissists that I am extremely wary.

[@jonathanbarber768]

I have taken every personality test online possible wondering if it’s me….

[@BaraSchmidt]

I get it. We get sort of shell shocked after having been with a narcissistic individual. We develop a wariness about people. If we are our authentic selves with people and know what our boundaries are then a narcissistic predator will move on pretty quickly. They don't do authentic and want total control of others. Also remember to consider patterns. Meaning you need to interact with someone a few times to begin to see if something is off. So stay you - never change for someone else. Those who mind don't matter, and those who do matter won't mind.

[@inononeeee]

@BaraSchmidt they move on one was so reassuring

[@BaraSchmidt]

@@inononeeee I'm so glad! Just remember who you are and what you stand for - they will get no supply, so nothing to stay for! Be Blessed!

[@genevalawrence801]

What followed the realization for me was overwhelming grief.

[@yukio_saito]

I don't take extra responsibility anymore. I don't help those who try to take advantage of me. Let them struggle with things. Their problems are theirs. 😊

[@twovirginiacats3753]

My Mom used to tell my dad that he needed to see a therapist. He finally did. After a couple sessions the therapist asked to also have my mom in on the sessions. Mom refused to go, and those therapy sessions got shut down in a hurry. A few weeks before my dad died, he told me "You kids are going to have a terrible time with your mother". He was right. My Narc ex-husband stepped in to help. It takes a horse's rear end to deal with a horse's rear end. She eventually had to be placed in assisted living because no one (not even the Ex) could handle the situation. That poor woman was really hell on wheels.

[@davidsalo8397]

Amazing how some folks just live with it for so long. I think the toxicity in these relationships is cumulative. The sooner you get out, the better.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

@@davidsalo8397 The knowledge of narcissism is relatively new. A lot plays into a person staying in a relationship. Many people were raised to believe that you don't leave a marriage. Other people just don't have the finances available for divorce. If it turns out you married "a character" or someone with strange quirks, you just put up with it. Most people are not all good or all evil.

[@carriehunt6196]

I have had many family members ask me why I stayed with my husband for 33 years if he was a narcissist and treated me so badly! Unless someone is married to one you have NO idea!!! My husband was a firefighter and paramedic and fooled everyone!

[@adimeter]

When you say "you have NO idea" I fill in the last part of that sentence a couple of ways. You have NO idea how hard it waste get away. You have NO idea what I went through. You hav NO idea what life was like with him. If I may ask, what is you are trying to convey? Because I truly have NO idea.

[@carriehunt6196]

@@adimeterboth!! To everyone outside our home he was kind and always went out of his way to do for others! At home he treated me and our daughters like second class citizens!! He would say I was disgusting and fat! He would constantly lie to my face and make me feel like I didn’t know what I was talking about so I would doubt my own mind! Lie about everything! No one besides out daughters ever knew! He knew I couldn’t leave so as the years went on it just got worse! To the point that I hate myself for staying and don’t know who I am anyone!! I’m in therapy now. My therapist told me I have had a lot of trauma to overcome but with help and being away from him I will heal with time! I know I’m am to blame also for staying! I thought I loved him and that he loved me. I thought that’s how most marriages were. I know different now!! I hope that helps!

[@adimeter]

@@carriehunt6196 Please don't hate yourself. Many of us on this platform have/are there. Until we get the proper teaching, we have no idea what is really going on. Now that you have reached out for help, please forgive yourself. Thanking you ahead of time.

[@Hatbox948]

My nex was similar. He was a bona fide Jekyll and Hyde.

[@tonymartos2922]

Been out of one for almost two years now, and it took me a long time to find myself again, to laugh, to smile. I still haven’t been in love since, it hurt a great deal. While mine had her next supply at the ready. And all I’m left with is a mix of good and bad memories of someone I once loved so much.

[@Ayaime7]

The best worst thing you could ever learn 🎯💔

[@phoenixrising5338]

Yep. 40 years of silence. Although I did say to my current therapist, "My ex is a super covert sadistic malignant narcissist who is almost certainly also a psychopath or sociopath." But by then I'd read so many books, articles, youtube posts, blogs, etc., on the topic that it was like saying, "He's got blue eyes." Fact.

[@devinjeffrey275]

It’s a tough bind to spot and or be in!

[@MicheleLHarvey]

My therapist asked me what I wanted from therapy & I said 2 things: how to find equanimity (in my emotional life,) and how to get my husband to be kind to me. That was the beginning of the rabbit hole of enlarging awareness...

[@Ravi50237]

Guess what Dr Ramani is a clown lol, she was at the red table with Jada Pinkett Smith talking about narcissism 😂 she has zero clue on how to spot a narcissist.

[@Shimmerin]

"Knowing someone is narcissistic is the 'best, worst thing' you could learn." Oh god god is that dead on. Absolutely.

[@novairene6880]

I remember being at a doctor appointment and telling the doctor that I was having fight or flight most days with no conscious known cause. It was another 8 months when the rose-colored glasses came off completely. I was devastated.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

The most important thing about relationships is what did I learn from this interaction.

[@sheryl6043]

Make room for the now enlightened targets of narcissistic abuse. Who have done the painful work of facing this reality. And learned from Dr Ramani. ❤

[@lindalou4858]

I can't win. ❤😂🎉 At 72 now recovering and finding myself in a similar situation as if 22, ....... Freedom alive and well. ❤😂🎉 Thank you Dr. R

[@jadegreen1554]

The ones in a narcissistic situation are - indeed, sometimes clueless. A lot of times they defend the abuse. If they are defending they usually have never heard of narcissism. Thankfully with all the awareness and work esp dr Ramani and others are putting out about narcissism, maybe the day is coming where we can say: “have you ever heard about narcissism? Do you think this could be what you’re dealing with?” But they may whip around to defend and protect the abuser. So the big question is, how does one ever approach someone who you suspect is getting devoured in a narcissistic situation? You can see all the signs but how do you ever tell them? They are usually the most protective of the abuser, and the most unable to see (naturally). A great video idea might be for dr Ramani to make a video that a concerned friend or family member can show to someone who in trapped in the throes, and maybe dr Ramani can gently coax them into understanding what is going on. It’s something that is very real. Survivors can see it but others, especially enablers around the victim, might not.

[@adimeter]

They will only see it when they have had enough. Most choose to live in denial. Me too, until I had had enough. Now I dump people so fast. Perhaps too fast. But I want to stay safe.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

There is a huge price to be paid for freedom. But it’s worth it. Even when you escape, the work involved in making sure you do not pass on or perpetuate narcissism is huge. I don’t comment on my ex ever. I do not think or speak about him. I refuse to centre him in my life any more. If my children ask how I feel about him I say ‘neutral’. In fact I can hardly remember anything about our 35 years together. It wasn’t a relationship. It was at best a series of transactions. Transactions (e.g. with a builder) are hardly memorable.

[@yaminiayachitam]

The first time I went to the therapist I told her the reason to visit was that I was getting angry all the time. I wanted to find out how to overcome my anger. Now I realize those were just oppressed feelings, I was letting out as anger.

[@prueaddy]

Thank you so much. You too, ourselves back to ourselves. What a gift to receive and give❤

[@realrighteoustv]

Perfectly said Dr.! There is no wins here.

[@samuel-no8yp]

If the person in the narcissistic relationship doesn't want help but constantly complains about all the bad behaviors, it's really draining to be that persons friend. I recently lost a friend to this because I am on my own mental health journey and being around him and his partner was really destructive for me and he could never admit that there was an actual problem even though it was all textbook narcissism. I tried to be there for him and comfort him but it got to the point where the narcissists behavior was bothering me more than the actual victim! I had to get out of there before I got completely sucked into their push and pull cycle. And in the end the narcissist still won because now that person has no more friends because he pushed everyone away.

[@samuel-no8yp]

The worst part for me is realizing that my "friend" was using narcissistic tactics towards me as a way to supply his needs that weren't being met in his relationship, and I think it started going too far and he suddenly pulled away from me and that really triggered my abandonment issues and I began to act out as well. I think the whole situation was the reality check/wake up call that I needed to realize that I have a lot of work to do myself and at the moment, I can't be around people who refuse to do the work on themselves because that will lead me to abandoning myself and my needs for them.

[@ladyjay9668]

Yeah I went to see a psychologist because I wanted her to help me identify what wrong with my relationship, I didn't understand what was going on, I suffered panic and anxiety attacks, he insisted on going with me. First two sessions were about him, 3rd session psychologist wanted to hear me, he cut me short claiming he understands what he's putting me through and he was sorry. The psychologist told him he needs to realise me and the kids are not his mom and dad, he is punishing the wrong people. When we left there he got worse,went on a drinking spree, later cheated and left evidence where I could reach it. Begged me not to leave, eventually I left when I found out about narcissism. As he was only getting worse!

[@Bleepbloopblarp]

I was diagnosed with BPD while in the middle of a very toxic relationship. This only served to solidify in my mind that it was me who was the problem! I finally had enough and recently went NC and I’m now beginning to question that diagnosis. I wonder how many other people this happens to…

[@loriathompson4261]

For the stage that I am in ….. this was SUCH an answer!!! She brought the heart and soul back to this conversation. It made feel seen …. AGAIN! She is amazing 🥰 brought me to tears.

[@HomecameraHomecamera]

Please tell us about narcissists who have a disability. How they treat their caregivers. I’ve been waiting for this episode for years. My ex narcissistic husband was diagnosed with infertility. For 12 years I experienced some of the biggest pains.

[@beebastead]

Wow! This will be good to hear. My narcissistic husband is visually impaired(blind). This is the excuse I gave for all the red flags I ignored and I'm sure, it's the reason why he has gotten away with so much in his life. It'll be very interesting to get more insight about this.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

This would be interesting. My ex-husband narcissist has just had a stroke. Our last contact was 5 years ago when he sent me an abusive email. Now he wants to reel me in as an extra carer. This sounds harsh - but I am not going anywhere near him. I am concerned he will try to enslave my daughter. His elderly sick mother destroyed the lives of two of her daughters. The youngest never had a life of her own. The other was scapegoated. Divide and rule. He continues the pattern.

[@hilarysimpson3725]

In my view, if you have to live with them, you have to treat them dispassionately and transactionally. No arguing. Respect their wishes. Minimum effort. Disinterested. Get professionals to do the gross jobs (pedicures etc). No pity. No drama. ‘It is what it is’. Keep your life going outside the home. Yoga. Walks. Dog etc. Don’t allow yourself to be degraded. Insecurity exacerbates controlling behaviour.

[@AnyaAnnika67]

I recommend watching Sam Vaknin who's a professor in relation to narcissism. The dynamics won't change, the narcissist remains a narcissist all the same.

[@adimeter]

@@AnyaAnnika67 Professor Vaknin is excellent.

[@Valiant.Unicorn]

I freaking love you❤❤❤! You're work is making waves, so many now use the word narcissist. People are talking about it, and even the worst of them use the word 😂. #narcissist #psychology #selfawareness

[@MIScellaneousBowl]

Thank you very much for all the content you are making. It makes a huge difference hearing it all! Sadly I think people learn about this matters "the hard way" or pay more attention just after being trapped in some kind of relationship with narcissistic person. It is really important to spread as much information about the topic as possible to public - thank you for that! ❤

[@nickijames5122]

I’ve yet to watch this video but I’d say it could go a number of ways - either someone is quite shy/quiet OR someone can come across as friendly/quite confident. I’m abit of both eventhough i suffer severe anxiety and have very low self esteem, so It’s not always easy to spot. I can be defensive and negative too, these being invisible scars from years of this insidious abuse.

[@Bennydoesntknow]

The biggest red flag is a soft spoken people pleaser aka the nice kid

[@swollenapocrypha]

YES. so much. a lot of cluster b people LOVE the soft/kind/vulnerable persona bc it hides them so well. especially the very insidious ones that know how to play you in a way that makes it seem like they're trying to do the best for themselves and you. they love their apologies, and get furious if you don't 🤪

[@dianatenney7821]

I agree I have a flag on the ones that you can tell are disguising their voices as being so soft, kind, helpful all the time like a persona they had to put on.

[@saturdayschild8535]

They learn this from their best victims. It’s so they can draw more people of this type to abuse and take advantage of.

[@AnyaAnnika67]

People can be people pleasers without being narcissists indeed that thin veneer cannot be held up for long so I wouldn't call it a red flag at all. I highly suggest you check out Sam Vaknin who's the worlds expert on narcissism.

[@dianatenney7821]

@@AnyaAnnika67 I agree with that not all people pleasers are narcissists, they are more likely afraid to say no to keep peace and hate conflicts 24/7.

[@drjman2356]

Great stuff - as a clinician and personally - I needed this. Thank YOU Dr.!

[@well_weathered]

It is really hard to broach the subject even when you see the signs, it is like an invisible line you don't pass. There are inquiring looks, noted actions observed and telling looks, hugs and assurances when acquaintances. Everyone wants to see the best in people and when others doubt your reality it makes you question yourself.

[@LetTheSunshineInRX]

Thank you SO much Dr. Ramani. You might not ever know how much you have helped me to unlearn so many atrocities and lies that I took accountability for my whole life. Exhausted now with my new perspective is overwhelming and an understatement. You soothe my spirit. Thank you. ♥

[@Bobontt11]

I tell you i had never heard of narcicissm, aged 54 ,divorced ,done lots education on it ,mothers one ,soul destroying evil to the core . And i tried all my life ,to make it work .

[@rebekahgwendolyn2947]

Yes, you are exponentially helpful, Dr. Ramani-and what you just stated is absolutely true! THANK YOU!!!

[@Catdaddyfrancis]

My number one go to, and this isn’t just for Cluster B’s, any toxic person who isn’t worthy of your time and attention, just set a simple boundary. If they can’t handle a simple boundary that tells you everything you need to know. Don’t look back. As they say “ BYE FELICIA”.

[@BanFamilyVlogging]

Maybe it’s because I had already escaped from my abusive family, but I felt relief when I realized that my matriarchal grandma is a malignant covert narcissist. It explained so much, & was very validating for me.

[@danaking7483]

I appreciate this safe space and the wealth of knowledge for support. Thank you.

[@lisarobinette6863]

Dr. Ramani, you have helped me tremendously, and the timing just smashed it!!! Thanks, EVERSO.

[@Jae-by3hf]

“Theres no narcissist abuse reparation fund!” I chuckled cause, if only! 😂 Thank you for this video because this is what I encounter in real life! People just start complaining about the person who is abusing them! Nobody uses the word narcissist! Online people use it a lot because maybe they feel safer to express it?! It’s still a taboo word in real life! I often think that the people complaining about the label are enablers, naive or narcs themselves and you make a good point about people not using it correctly! We are human and even we mess up words like dye & die or use words incorrectly sometimes! I’ve noticed a lot of young people have taken to coddling narcs and I guess thats their lesson and journey to learn and I understand why you said at the end “aren’t we all a little bit narcissistic, no!” Because now the trend is that, when you have spoken about us all having these traits, some of the time! Being online is exhausting and is why I just use youtube now. People are chronically online and acting like it’s the real world! They also miss the narcs in real life because they expect narcs to just tell them or have a scary face 🤦🏽‍♀️ anyway, again, great video Dr Ramani!

[@McGeistly]

I still question whether my 10 year relationship was narcissistic or just a bad case of Anxious/Avoidant attachment. I would like to think it was just anxious/avoidant; however, One of the things she tried to weaponize against me at the end of our relationship was her family response to our divorce, and my family response. Most of my family was done with her after a vacation trip we had a couple of months prior. Her family was very sweet and wanting us to find a way to save the marriage. One of the key things that I cling to when reviewing this relationship was the weaponization of everything and her spin on it to fit her narrative and her expectations of me. Everything that she chose to do in an argument she justified with her feelings, and never held any accountability for when she took her anxious behaviors too far. It didn't matter what her actions were, whether she called me names or yelled at me. If I tried to call her out on it it only made her worse and more angry and more justified with anything else she chose to do.

[@AnyaAnnika67]

This sounds more akin to BPD albeit there can be an overlap NPD as a cluster B disorder rarely exists on its own

[@McGeistly]

@@AnyaAnnika67 Thanks for the clarification

[@gagischon]

This is crazy. I almost asked my psychologist to test me for BPD once because I thought my anxious feelings were misplaced and too grand.

[@well_weathered]

So I met an acquaintance for dinner. She is working on a failing marriage and it turned out to be a good talk. I was surprised at all the commonalities.

[@Flyingrabbit2222]

Sometime it looks like there is no problem, unless you have seen family members live out the script from love bombing to financial control and abuse. A friend told me she had found her "soul mate". She is still in the bliss stage but when I finally met him, I"felt" SO many red flags.

[@Bobontt11]

Thank you Dr Romani you are keeping me alive .with your knowledge on this evil ,cause it is .

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you so much for validating our experiences dr Ramani ❤

[@bobsanderz3005]

This is a great subject and one I was just discussing with a friend recently. We were discussing how we see a common theme of victims of narc abuse also suffering from untreated ADHD, I’d love to see a deeper study done. Appreciate your work, Dr. Ramani! I actually just ordered It’s Not You on Amazon this morning after bingeing your podcast

[@tiffers8099]

I think I need you as my therapist!!! I’ve watched enough of your videos I feel like I could talk to you and you’d be so easy to open up to

[@efgshopper]

28 years being in cognitive dissonance, illusions, breadcrumbs, confusion, devaluing, gaslighting, lying and finally she did me a favor and cheated….how I got through it I don’t know, I’m a survivor and not a victim.

[@adimeter]

YAY!!!

[@midorimoriyama2525]

Thank you 🙏🏻 I had to hear that, and I should listen to this video every day, especially when I am asking myself “am I the one who is selfish if I leave this relationship?” or telling myself other self gaslighting tales.

[@ajwright16]

I hate to think where I’d be emotionally today without the understanding and compassion expressed by Dr Ramani. I’ve tried everything I can think of in these past three years to be somebody different so that my partner would not become upset and verbally abusive with me. That makes me sound passive and dependent, but i am not. I’ve come to understand how my partner’s toxic tantrums, as I’ve come to think of them, are very unfortunately probably exactly what Dr. R has described as narcissistic. I don’t want that to be true, but nothing I say nor do changes my partner’s behavior. She even agrees that what she does is destructive to our relationship, but in the next breath I am told that she cannot promise to do conflict differently. I’m almost 70, and I hate being in this place with someone at this time of life. The only way out is through many practical and emotional changes that will create great upheaval for us both.

[@AL-dy1lj]

I had never head of narcissism until i was in my 40s and i saw it all with bipolar disorder… i was so naïve

[@angelicamaster7764]

I would have said Dr Ramani. I am so confused and discouraged, I feel paralyzed. I can barely breathe. My husband has stopped communicating and I feel he might have a lover. I didn't know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder until I after the discard (his affair) and I divorced him. It's been over 3 years of hard work on recovery from the emotional and physical damage of that toxic 15 year marriage.

[@LalaMama272]

I’m in the thick of this realization and I’m so broken down!

[@michaelawinter4793]

Yes, it took my years to realise and accept that they are narcissistic and to stop defending them. Greetings from Austria!💜💜💜💜💜

[@keariewashburn4680]

Very important and caring video Dr Ramani ❤ Thank you 😊

[@maidofcornwall]

I'd walk into a therapy session asking how I can heal from narcissistic abuse. For the past four/five years I've educated myself to recognise the traits of narcissism and can now predict most of their reactions (the person I deal with does it by the book!). I've learnt about the things that I can do or say to avoid provoking them, or to try and make them happy, how to grey rock, and how not to trigger them. Most importantly (to them), I learnt very early on in my life, how to sit there and quietly take their manipulation and abuse. Finally this month, I've learnt how to walk away from them. But I have no idea on how to let go of the hope for a loving relationship with this person, or how let go of them emotionally (I live in constant fear of them knocking on my door or phoning me. Knowing what to do and being able to put it into practice on the spot are two different things! I automatically try to please them.) The hope is one thing that I've always held onto very tightly, and I guess I'll be teaching myself how to deal with that now too. So does my initial question mean that I'm not a victim after all? After watching this and hearing those introductory questions, it feels a bit like a "no, you're not" 😟 I've watched a lot of Dr Ramani's videos (as well as others) and I'm very grateful for the help and guidance that's freely given. This one has triggered me though, so there's obviously some work I need to do there.

[@Vitriol-Divergent]

After I finally tore the leach off, I started seeing narcissist everywhere. I've gotten better at looking at behavior more objectively, but I think the problem is EVERY human can exhibit some traits that are found in narcs, so it's all too easy to point the finger the moment you see it and write them off. I'm not even sure what's better, writing everyone off or "wasting" the energy it takes to really look at who a person is.

[@lorenebaxter-e8c]

Hi Dr. Ramani, thank you for this video. Over these past few months as a victim & survivor of narcissistic abuse, I have been watching a few experts (yourself included) to educate myself about the topic. I always read the comments from others who have their own stories to tell who are also trying to learn and look for answers to better understand and to heal from this very dark experience. What I've noticed in a very short time is that there are highly similar trends and patterns within these stories of victims and survivors from all over the world who have never met each other. Similar to your video about the people who were drinking from the tainted well water had similar trends and patterns of illness from the toxicity they were ingesting. My thought about it was could all the experts of narcissistic abuse rally together and send victim/survivor stories and comments from social media to heads of government around the world to help them recognize that these personal stories are very real and that millions of people around the world can't all be wrong. It may be a big ask but collectively the experts, victims and survivors could take a huge step forward to let their voices be heard. Thank you.

[@AnyaAnnika67]

I mean this with no disrespect to Dr Ramani whatsoever but she is not an expert in narcissism. Yes, she is a clinical psychologist but you need to then specialise in a particular area of psychology to become an expert in that area which she hasn't. I'd highly suggest checking out professor Sam Vaknin who is a leading expert in the field. I am a professional in this field myself.

[@adimeter]

@@AnyaAnnika67 I love both of them. They have both saved me from further abuse; and, they have both rescued me from abusive relationships. Dr. Ramani has her Ph.D and is published. I have no idea why you are saying these things, or where you are getting your information from. But I am very happy she is highly regarded and that I have benefitted from her teaching.

[@adimeter]

Google Sr. Ramani to get the truth.

[@PenninkJacob]

I bet that real narcissists sense there is some power, control, and dominance to be gained by claiming others are narcissistic. It's just another (albeit new) way to do the same old thing... Thank you!!!! 👍❤❤❤

[@amyasherah]

"Devastating"... yes, it's like discovering that the person has dementia and are never going to be aware and responsible, no matter what you do.

[@Wimpiethe3]

I still wake up at least half of my days in near panic/despair knowing that my only parent is a narcissist. It's something I can't shake. It's a deep feeling of pain, loss. A cloud that won't leave. It's been a year of knowing. Too much adds up. Both from what a covert is asthat my mental issues fit the type of abuse. It's crazy how well these factors add up. Yes I suffered majorly under the parent. I spend almost 20 years mostly unable to talk about any of it. Years of that in therapy with a Very patient psychologist. It will take years of recovery to a place of stability from this point forward. And yet, I kind of wish it wasn't narcissism. That it was fixable. Despite it all I much rather have a parent that I could eventually come to terms with. That we could work it out. I would be willing to move past it all. But it's not possible. That person's beyond my reach. And so is the person I thought they were. An image now gone. I hate it. Absolutely do. But some day this feeling will leave and I will have a better life. Perhaps without that parent. Probably. But not gladly so. But I choose me.

[@adimeter]

I finally came to a state of non resistance. Accept the truth, grieve and try to move on with improving your life. I was 71 yrs old and my mother was long dead when I learned what she was. It took a long time to come to acceptance so that I could heal. But it might be easier for me by the fact that she was dead when I learned. I think I would have been afraid of and horrified to realize she was en entity, while she was alive. Just kind of creepy to think of. May you be blessed on your healing journey.

[@Wimpiethe3]

@@adimeter Thank you for your kind words! I hope that you keep enjoying your life to the fullest. It's so good to hear when someone manages to overcome people like these. Yes it's probably different with the person still being around rather than gone. And yes the parent has become quite unnerving to me to deal with. As you say it's a different thing than your normal person. Even though it was never acutely life threathening, they can still provoke quite the fear at times. But it has it's upsides too. Since self doubt is part of this often type of abuse (it is big time to me), the repeating patterns have validated near everything I remember experiencing. Leaving very little room for actual doubt when the self doubt period ends. Yes it's still hard to undergo or witness the abuse, but there is a silver lining. I'm now gaining strength as well as just taking a hit. Oh how my journal has saved my sanity at times. I'm determined to get through this well enough in the end. :)

[@adimeter]

@@Wimpiethe3 Good for you. Keep listening to these experts. Every now and then I still learn new ways to help myself. The best to you.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

First time I’ve seen this topic…THANK YOU!

[@youngblood8540]

They're the ones who look like the big vein in their head is about to POP!

[@rosiereal]

I was drawn to your videos, kept seeing former co-workers and their behaviors as narcissistic. Finally realized that my mother & grandmother were both narcissistic. No wonder I felt comfortable around narcs. My sister married 2 of them. The one she's with now is worse than the first one.

[@Dethian666]

The only final words I'd say to a Narcissists is.... Should see what my memories are like and what it's done to my character and creatively and skillset

[@stellarhope6954]

all i wanted was some unity and agreement with my husband, )love , intimacy, and relationship). it never came. that gave me a nervous breakdown. but Jesus healed me.

[@JulieSmith-i6m]

It didn’t take me long to figure out it was him not me. I knew he had PTSD and think he was misdiagnosed as BPD. I started keeping track of everything because I knew it wasn’t me. I was trying to figure out how to deal with PTSD with comorbidities when I ran across malignant narcissist! I left almost immediately!

[@jean-pierrep6844]

Narcissists play the victim and claim to be the vulnerable ones as well. They become grandiose survivors, and everyone else is the problem. They are career victims and blamers. The truth is that many people have been victimized. If I'm humble enough and willing to get help, I'll most probably fail at being narcissistic or toxic.

[@cbrashsorensen]

Your programs are excellent. I would ask you to do a program on those of us not directly in a narcissistic relationship but close with someone who is. I have to admit that I'm pretty tired of my SIL telling me how her narcissistic sister treats her badly. I ALREADY KNOW and I can SEE. I am getting fed up with being dumped on and have begun pretending her complaining is just noise. It hurts to see and hear her suffering but...

[@khulanism]

Wow this is exactly how I've been feeling. No matter what I did it was never enough, I could not please him or keep him happy. I felt like I was the problem and going crazy and so confused. I tried to justify his behaviour and figure out why he was being the way he was. I thought it was an attachment style issue and felt okay about that because it could be fixable, but he expressed none of that stuff resginated with him... Than I realized he sounded narcissistic, possibly psycopathic even as I do not think he felt bad about anything and actually got enjoyment out of it. This crushed me as I realised there was no hope in things ever getting better and that the only way I'll ever feel better will be when he is no longer in my life 💔 He broke up with me a few days ago... I saw it coming. At first I felt relief but as the days go on I am missing him so badly and it hurts seeing how he can just carry on with his life totally fine as if nothing happened and like I meant nothing and not worth being sad over 😔 meeting/falling in love with this man has been torture! I pray I can heal before he comes back again🙏

[@Kenzie_Hill]

Your book is in my Amazon to buy list. Still trying to get financially secure to buy things for me after my divorce. Thank youfor the videos ❤😢🤗

[@concken1]

BTW, love your outfit here, Dr. Ramani!