How to Stop Being a People Pleaser & Set Good Boundaries

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Healthy boundaries are not only essential for relationships, they are also central to our mental health. In this video, I describe what it likely stopping you from setting good boundaries. Hint: it has to do with people pleasing.
If you want to know how to improve your relationships, stop feeling taken for granted, be able to say no, stop feeling resentful and take back your true freedom to set and stick with your boundaries then this talk is outlines an essential skill for parents, partners, co-workers and friends.
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[@vanessajaneasong]

I've been a people pleaser for a long time until I got tired and eventually decided to set boundaries. I don't necessarily care what others think of me for I know what I want and what I need. I don't easily agree to invitations. I don't need a lot of friends to be considered a real one. The real ones will always stay but the "people pleasers" will always continue to collect superficial friends. 😏💁‍♀️

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Boundaries prevent chaos. She’d never get thru a Q&A if everybody told their little “once upon a time...” Thank you for your clarity on the subject.

[@juliakristinamah]

Amen! So so very true.

[@user-ir6bq8dg5x]

OooOOO I like this! They DO prevent chaos

[@Sebahtubman]

It takes a lot of patience and courage to start honoring boundaries. It is a new way of life as many of us are born codependent. It is a conscious decision and being persistent until we are comfortable upholding our boundaries. And constantly reminding ourselves it is not from a place of being unkind. Thank you for sharing. This was helpful and a good reminder.

[@juliakristinamah]

Thank you for this. All so very true. Really glad you found this talk helpful.

[@Olesya1215]

So true, there are relationships where I want sympathy but really feel only disrespect. I want to be understanding and compassionate but become a doormat, because people know that I will forgive and try to move on. Sometimes I feel strong to be consistent with boundaries, but sometimes my emotions are too hard and instead of protecting myself I start trying to understand why this person did this or that. I have to be more on my side.

[@hafidaamlali6376]

Same case as you. It will come with time

[@meghan9436]

Can you make a follow up video about enforcing boundaries with narcissistic family members who continually steamroll boundaries? Maybe not just family members, but narcissistic/difficult bosses and coworkers too. Are there any other solutions besides quitting that job and/or straight up no contact?

[@sim771]

I wouldn’t say I am a people pleaser but overly generous with my time, mental space and energy. I know in theory the answer is boundaries, but I don’t feel like it’s coming from a place of anxiousness to be liked, but from wanting to share (and then overstepping the limit). I hope this topic is one you explore since it’s not talked about enough

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes - I have a whole playlist here on my channel on boundaries. Have you seen it?

[@babydsmama]

People pleaser is my default... survival mechanism from childhood that no longer serves me and it is foundational to my functioning. Off to the therapist I go to figure out how to be a different human, or at least that's how it feels lol

[@bernardetterobinson]

Hi Julia Kristina. I’ve only just started watching your work and I’ve found it very helpful. When I first learnt that I was a people pleaser, I didn’t like it because I realised it is also a form of manipulation. Having just left a 38 yr marriage, I learnt that my actions were based on trying to keep myself safe. It didn’t work, suffice to say, I’m free now. I want to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Thanks for helping.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hi Bernardette - so good to have you here. I see you doing the work and your commitment to your better. Really glad you found this talk helpful.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

We all need boundaries.❤

[@jafrasar1]

Learning literally takes a ‘couple takes’ to be heard/processed and that is how long it took a new audience to get the hang of it.

[@judithn3716]

I just bumped into your KZbin channel. Where have l been? Am glad l found you... Very educational, informative & nourishing. THANK YOU

[@Mossy-Rock]

I struggle with determining what is a reasonable boundary and what is not - just because you have a boundary doesn't mean that it's a healthy one. Sure - I can place any boundary I want, but is it healthy? Irrational or unhealthy boundaries indicates that something deeper is going on and needs to be unpacked. I've dealt with people that have so many boundaries that I can't interact with them because they completely control the dialog, and it is clear that they are locked in some inner turmoil that I can't reach but yet they won't allow you to talk about it. In this case, I have no choice to exercise my own boundary (wasting my time and energy and causing frustration) and I walk away.

[@Becca0082]

Yes! Those are my thoughts as well

[@chrismcevoy2503]

We should all try to be flexible.❤

[@chrismcevoy2503]

You can’t please everyone.❤

[@suchetaghose1]

Omg thank you for this video. It’s been almost a year and I have been working very hard on my boundaries. Sometimes people who have known you for decades do not want to respect the new you and I have been struggling with that. So whenever they disrespect my boundaries I just cut the conversation abruptly and leave! I was thinking maybe I have become harsh and unempathetic, truth is not I am but respecting myself

[@chrisdigitalartist]

Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris Here! Today's video was exactly what I needed! How To Stop Being A People Pleaser & Set Good Boundaires. Of course, I may need to think through this more, but dogsitting for 13 dogs plus 11 puppies has been stressful for me. I can maybe for 2 or 3, but I think this may not be for me. I am a dog lover, but this is a big responsibility. I know this couple has more plans for the year to travel, and I think they would love it if I could do this again for them. The people pleaser in me doesn't want to say no, if asked again, but I also know that this particular gig has been very comfortable for me. I know need to set a boundary, now maybe that boundary, I can do ut only if it is for a couple days (not 7 days like I am doing kpw) I could probably handle that, or maybe not to this at all. So, there is a lot of reflecting I may need to do. Here are my notes: Boundaries Review: • Boundaires are essential for mental well-being and thriving in life and healthy relationships. • On the surface, clear and helpful boundaries may hurt people, but in the long run, it will actually help the relationship. If you don't have them, you are deceiving, building resentment, and might be angry or move away from the relationship. • Boundaires can give you self-respect, make you feel more secure, easy-going, and happier... • Boundaries don't mean that you are mean., boundaries mean that you are clear. *Being a people pleaser can make you fall back slipping on your boundaries so that you don't feel like you are hurting others when they violate them. People pleaser can feel guilty.

[@juliakristinamah]

beautifully and concisely put. Thank you Senior Shifter Chris!

[@chrisdigitalartist]

@@juliakristinamah You're welcome!

[@anitapetrou1925]

Protecting boundaries is honouring oneself.

[@davidsisson2026]

Grew up in in a family that had few boundaries, Dad being the worst. It trickled down from there. Just bought a book by Dr. Henry Cloud ! Dr. John Townsend. This video is great thank you.

[@Marekcatholic]

Marek -Shifter here . Wonderful video Julia! boundaries are necessary part of human interaction. They help to build trust. without trust its not much of the interactions. Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

Yesss! So true. And Hi! 👋

[@Marekcatholic]

@@juliakristinamah Hi Julia! 👋

[@lauravt89]

İn Spain we have a saying "quien avisa no es traidor" it means, "the one who warns is not a traitor".. popular knowledge is wise !

[@carrieamoreno]

Liz is boundaries GOALS ❤ It's so inspiring to hear someone speak who has made it so far through the boundaries journey!

[@juliakristinamah]

I totally agree! This trigger really was such a powerful teacher.

[@HangVu-vj7hv]

DAMN! Liz Gilbert rocks! Julia, thank you for sharing this story and discussion of healthy boundaries. Julia rocks too!

[@lttlod1]

I'm working on my people pleasing tendencies and it's difficult especially at work. I'm an elementary art teacher and our district is very low on subs. If the other art teacher in my building is absent (which is a lot because she's going through her own stuff) and there's no sub, the classroom teachers think I should watch the class instead of them, however it's my planning period as well. I don't get as much planning as they do but they still see me as someone who doesn't work as hard etc. I do offer to take the class when I can but need to stop offering so they don't think that's how it is. Their time is not more important than mine and would sack me with more on my plate than I can handle. It's difficult dealing with the animosity from teachers and creates a bit of a hostile work environment at times. I can just feel it. 50 plus teachers and their opinions about you are tough to take. Passive aggressive comments from a 1st grade teacher comes to mind. It's not easy these days and people pleasing is hard to overcome in this environment : )

[@MultiMarina5]

Thank you for being transparent.I would have felt exactly the same way you felt at the beginning of the reminding the 2 ladies ….. Your process of understanding the gold value of boundaries and the right to set them, priceless! Wake up call for me. Good job 👏🏻

[@juliakristinamah]

So glad my a-ha could help facilitate one of you too. Really glad you're here.

[@Rob9mm]

I set a boundary with a narc sib. Of course it was instantly tested. I held. Right on cue she tells me I'm weird. But the boundary was never violated again.

[@sayuriisme9728]

Great video, I identified with you in the situation, I’m sure I would have felt the way you did but this really taught me something- thanks!

[@juliakristinamah]

Thank you - I'm really glad you found it helpful, and that this A-Ha could help facilitate yours.

[@lesliengo8347]

Liz sure is a great teacher! I had a college instructor who set boundaries while we were having a class online. My instructor said to name our files according to the PDF. When he noticed some students didn't name their files accordingly, he said out loud "hey (name of student), can you resend your files with the correct name? I am going to delete the one you just sent me." Reflecting back at it, it made me feel uncomfortable. I thought the atmosphere was turing negative. I now realized he was probably just trying to keep things organized so he can work efficiently. I am learning to set and keep my boundaries. I wished the college can teach healthy boundaries.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

Lessons come when you least expect them. Good for Liz for upholding the rules. To me, that was respectful to her audience. Flattery and attention seeking were not.

[@NFSMAN50]

This is great Julia! I used to be a people's pleaser growing up, because I was a bit naive and foolish, but now once I learned, I've been doing better with this. Happy Thursday ❤❤

[@juliakristinamah]

Great for you for doing the work and getting the results! Celebrating you.

[@Magpieme98]

What a helpful video for me! I am learning how to be better at setting boundaries. Some thing that you said really stood out to me….I shouldn’t feel bad about setting boundaries! Yes!! I’m always so concerned about what others will think of me and I should be more concerned about myself! Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

Really so glad you found this helpful.

[@curtpriestley2107]

I struggle with setting boundaries cuz I feel like I'll be totally on my own in life cuz I'm surrounded by selfish people

[@TakeBackYourMind997]

Really work on self love, self acceptance, and learn to get the validation you seek from others from yourself instead. Dropping the people pleaser behaviours and mindsets will come a lot more naturally then.

[@joe47D]

Hi Julia! This is super-helpful for me to start setting boundaries At age 76. Thanks so much.

[@Sunshowers902]

It’s never too late ❤❤❤

[@cjaytony9821]

You are an amazing woman. I love the story you shared to drive home this topic. It was as if you made this video because of me. People pleasing have been a major cause of stress to me but with this video, you have solved that problem because am going to set clear boundaries in all my dealings with people and am gonna make sure i stick to them. Thank you Julia

[@aliahmedyacin721]

Blessings to you, Julia Kristina❤

[@GerardoHernandez-fq1mx]

Thanks for another great video.

[@juliakristinamah]

You're so welcome. Glad you're here.

[@nellymiller7669]

Great explanation - thank you 👍👍👍👍🌸I'm a teacher - this has helped me so much !

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Its really as simple as this; setting boundaries and not being a people pleaser will do anybody wonders...but sometimes its a lot easier said than done. We are all human and making sure our needs and self-care being fulfilled doesn't make anyone inherently selfish - what it does is establish guidelines of self-awareness and helps you grow into a more resourceful and trustworthy person ! ^_^

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I wouldn’t know what to ask Liz Julia.

[@terriwhalen3618]

Wow, she stood her ground! I like it.

[@bretaplin6450]

Thank you for that story. Context is everything. I also think boundaries help build authenticity which a lot of issues stem from. My .02.

[@scottamgreig]

Resonated with this with so many thoughts while listening and learned so much! 😊 Perfect example of setting a boundary and enforcing it - must have taken Liz some courage to do that in front of a live audience. Shows there are always two sides to setting a boundary, understanding and expressing your own wants and needs while knowing there’s always a chance that the other will take offence to it, but I guess it also comes down to how you express yourself (I.e. shouting vs saying vs begging), and like you say it could cause some temporary harm but I guess that depends on the strength of the relationship anyways. Thanks a lot Christina always love watching your videos across the pond here in London!❤

[@bobburch2151]

Great video really enjoyed it.

[@juliakristinamah]

Thanks Bob - good to have you here.

[@michelleterry1428]

Needed this!

[@Kakarott2023]

very impressive story! i love it

[@juliebrooks818]

Hey its Julie from the UK ... Good work 😊

[@thenebraskan6977]

Thanks so much for another incredible video from your arsenal Julia! I get a lot of good from them. As a much younger person I was a hopeless people pleaser. As life progresses and with the help of you and your videos my personality and demeanor are unrecognizable from my younger years.

[@jaylaw.7660]

You’re a sweetheart. Hope all is well💗, Jw!

[@bringmethatcoffee5235]

i always felt - feel, actually - as if i'm in shackles of some sort. my brothers moved away (both ~1 hour away) and left me alone with our aging parents. when my father began to show signs of dementia, i - who was at this point in therapy for years already and taking 3 pills daily - felt so overwhelmed. i cried, felt like i could vomit any second when i thought about my life and my father too much. retched in the supermarket as well. i loved my dad, but i dislike my mother. he died 2022 at the age of almost 85 - he was 19 years older than my mother. i'm the youngest and only female of 4 siblings. i'm currently 31. the oldest of my brothers does live here, but as he is, next to my mother actually, the main reason for my mental health problems (he molested me for years and no, my family doesn't "know") i finally cut contact with him. due to his own mental health you can't count on him to actually help as well. if he even wanted to. he's very entitled. while i don't "hate" my other brothers, i felt some kind of resentment grow since times got harder. i was so overwhelmed with the whole situation that i quit looking for a job again and decided to check in into a mental health hospital second time in my life. the same i was 7 years ago which is in our small town. while i was in the hospital (it was february of 2022) i planned to resume my "duties" to drive our parents to go shopping and to occasional doctor's appointments. that's how much of a people pleaser i am. i was kind of glad (although feeling guilty) that the hospital forbid contact to others/visits outside the clinic. corona was just "over" by then, but they wanted to make sure. and even now, i resume taking care of my (mostly) self-inflicted sick mother. she expects me to drive her right in front of everything as she is much too overweight to walk "long" walks and refuses to actually do sth against it. "i know better (how to lose weight)" is a mindset of hers. there is no improvement whatsoever in her health(/weight). she usually throws in her groceries in the cart after shopping and goes to sit when we're there. ofc, i am the one who has to put those groceries into the bags i previously handed to her before we entered the shop. (it got better after i became snippy bc of that.) yesterday after shopping, she wanted to buy freshly baked buns on the way and expected me to go get them. (last week she made me take her receipt to the apothecary bc it was "too much" for her, but was okay with walking the same distance to a shop.) i snapped and told her something akin to "absolutely not!" and i'd be lying if i'd say that i didn't feel guilty behind my anger. last week, my second oldest brother (who is the one who rarely even interacts with us/our mother) told us he was going to be a first-time-father. i first felt happy. but after a few minutes my mood dropped so immensely that i was sure i would have cried myself to sleep again if i hadn't had made plans with a friend which i luckily didn't cancel. how dare he live his life while i am stuck playing mother for our mother. not giving me a hand or even trying to keep up decent communication with our family/our mother. i wish to be brave and get into a relationship as well. i was always scared of men who appeared "too friendly" as a result of what my oldest brother did, but i do wish to love and feel loved in return. being stuck here with my mother, i feel as if i'm going to die alone. but i can't leave her, because my mother would be alone then. she doesn't really have many friends. only one close by and the others are more of acquaintances actually. in our session last week my therapist told me that i am not "stuck" here. no one keeps me. i have no shackles on my person. i know what she was getting at and i do understand that she is, factually speaking, right. but it's not that easy. how could i possibly leave someone alone to fend for themselves when they have no one else? even if i dislike her, this seems too curel.

[@irmachacon9248]

I need to set boundaries and hold boundaries ❤Thank you for explaining the difference 🙏 I appreciate this video 💯💐❤

[@ksjanna]

I find it so interesting your trigger was on the side of the women, but in the end, and also reason for this video, it was a lesson on what successful boundary setting looks like. Because i sympathized with Liz and couldnt believe the audacity of those two women to ignore the clearly set boundaries! But after thinking about it i realized that if i had been there perhaps i would have reacted the same as you. I am sure the two women were genuinely being kind and trying to forge a connection with liz in their own way. But in real life we rarely see someone put their foot down especially in a situation where everybody does have good intentions. It may especially been jarring to see it in a public space. If i had sympathized with the two women it could also be because I can understand how it can hurt (even though the reasons are valid aka its lizs boundary) to be told to stop. But learning to accept other peoples boundaries too is also part of learning how to uphold your own boundaries. I learned a lot from knowing your story/reaction in addition to learning an example of amazing boundary setting. People can change. And boundaries don't need any complicated back up or justification; you feel it's necessary for it to be there so it's yours. Thank you so much for this video.

[@giuseppebonsignore4397]

Very interesting video, it's so accurate when it comes from a story that really happens, thank you for sharing with us. Greetings from Belgium

[@juliakristinamah]

you are so welcome. Glad you found it helpful.

[@monicatunks9271]

People pleaser here. Holidays are coming!! Help! My anxiety is too much.

[@christopherlowe4129]

This was wonderful. Thank you for posting.

[@captaindan1000]

There's value in pleasing people but it must not be done at your expense.

[@anjaknatz7157]

I will be 60 soon - and one of the most agreabel things in live I ever experienced is to be comfortabel with beeing disagreabel ..to some..

[@elizabethsummermeado]

Such a great video, I desperately need to hear this.

[@emilyng7539]

Hi Julia! That is very interesting. Two different interpretations of the same feeling!

[@jessicacereceres6211]

Wow this is amazing ❤❤❤ Ty for this!

[@bdml77]

The woman who was cut off clearly has no respect not only for others but for the person who had directly requested for everyone in the audience to display respect. I have no sympathy for that

[@JapaneseSatori]

日本から🇯🇵Thank you for your videos😊

[@stevenhilderbrandt4846]

I've been people pleasing my 46 years of my life helping others .. in the end I'm answer with rude disrespectful comments nice to one day .. very nasty... last week I help my friend mother in the basement ... I wore t shirt with paint stains on it old pair of jeans got dirty because I was cleaning out a flood in the basement after it was over she asked me if I wanted to go her brother restaurant first .... I said yes change my mind said I'm not going to your brother restaurant dirty she gave me the silent treatment ride home because I didn't want to go that when I woke up said stop being a people pleaser .. haven't talked to her in a week some time you have put boundaries up say no I'm not going to it

[@elaineotterman2815]

I had the opposite reaction you had as you were telling the stories. I was upset because the women asking questions were not following what the guest speaker had asked them to do. Now others would not get their questions answered because of their selfishness. That is what triggered me. Not sure why I felt this way.

[@melyndafrazer1962]

Hi Julia!! Shifter here😀

[@juliakristinamah]

Hi Melynda! 👋

[@g__o__l__d__6673]

thank you

[@juliakristinamah]

you are so welcome. Glad you're here

[@Joshdifferent]

It’s weird. Sometimes I set boundaries. And sometimes I’m too nice and regret it

[@terrigelbaum8066]

Hi,how are you? I'm learning what's a "me" problem is.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hi - great to have you here Terri.

[@mysweetheart660]

Thank you

[@BirgitteV]

im not so scared of what people think of me, but im so scared to hurt someone

[@yaroslavlebed7964]

Question Thank you, Julia Kristina The example is very interesting. However, in this example the speaker is the FIGURE OF AUTHORITY and is in a POSITION OF AUTHORITY. She enforced her boundaries without having a fear of forever losing those two fans (ladies who violated) and without any fear of subsequent conflict with them at home for a prolonged time and possible ruining of the family, when people like those two women instead of APPOLLOGIZING and TAKING RESPONSIBILITY stinewall you, act passive aggressive and continue violating the boundary (e.g. not doing the housekeeping part of chorus in a timely preagreed regular manner). What do you do then???

[@wtr7]

Great vid, with good information. The setting was semi public, lecture, presentation ... etc. Boundraries were set. In 1 on 1 situation, do you cut them loose, dump them, if they breach boundaries or spaces? Thanks

[@jaylaw.7660]

You’re so honest, true, & righteous, Julia. what a free thinker you are, Hahaha Lol🤣

[@juliakristinamah]

I'm not sure what you mean here - can you explain more?

[@jaylaw.7660]

@@juliakristinamah most people automatically revert to negative and you reverted to positive- like me! In my opinion, I thought boundaries were about you and not the other person. Why restrict speech? If you feel compelled to tell someone how to think, feel, or react why not engage in it at all- I’m curious? And sure time could be a limiting factor here but was it necessary to condemn someone who supports you for “boundaries” sake? I guess I’m looking for the humanity in everyone and I guess you could say that’s where my boundaries lie too. And I guess that would be ok too…👋✌️🦾🫶

[@jaylaw.7660]

When someone didn’t do what you requested the FIRST time maybe you should accept it as feedback instead of requesting or evoking a change of behavior ‼️‼️

[@dalenjurgens6751]

Thank you for this video, it sure helps me a lot. And I was irritated with those women too. Use your ears, ladies. Lol

[@Nina-ur3ld]

Where is the video about how to be flexibel with the boundaries?

[@terriwhalen3618]

No more!

[@amberlamplabarge5287]

How do I stop the guilt

[@hanna762]

The oder i get the clearer i get.

[@parkerrose3590]

My older sister lives alone, she's very needy and calls me 5 or 6 times a day! I've told my sister many times that the afternoon and evenings are for me and my daughter to have dinner and watch television together. She calls anyway. I don't answer the phone and she usually leaves me a nasty message. She thinks I need to ALWAYS be on 24 hour call for her. I won't do it, but she doesn't it. Then I feel angry, but guilty.

[@detjaggillar8081]

@parkerrose3590: You should train Your self to NOT feel guilty cause she is trying to get control over You! That is NOT a healthy behave she is doing.

[@hatzenbug]

Not certain what to think? Those admiring fans feel humiliated 😢

[@fabianaduarte8620]

Perfect

[@mireillelebeau2513]

When you trespass a boundary , is it always to mark some points for your ego?

[@amycurtis-xe4xu]

My relationship is suffering cause I people please my boyfriend feels I'm misleading him and I'm fake

[@terriwhalen3618]

Amen

[@dl5054]

So dinette or console table?

[@melyndafrazer1962]

🙋🏼‍♀️people pleaser

[@cloverlengocphuong2197]

video importee dans ma tete trilingue.

[@kjbrocky]

7 minutes in....

[@sabrinasown]

HI . MY NAME IS SABRINA

[@terriwhalen3618]

Ex Profesional People Pleaser here😊

[@lesliesurette5010]

edited to be nicer...can someone recap what the essential skill is?

[@lalelu1168]

14:00

[@elainestuttard5105]

I wonder if the people in the audience changed their opinions of the speaker??? I understand that they broke her rules but the way she dealt with these ladies... Did she come across as abrupt. After all, the audience were her bread and butter. I wonder!!!!

[@richardbrooks7157]

Why not film your videos in colour I’m just wondering xxxxx you are great as well as you beautiful and gorgeous family your all great and brilliant xxxxxxxx🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰xxxxxxxxxx😊

[@sharijohnson8748]

I didn't realize I was a people pleaser until my adult daughter violated my clear boundaries, she decided to ghost me after I called her on it.

[@AndreChaser]

Wow I didn't know you have a girlfriend 😊

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes! I have a few really good ones.

[@FactsBeFacts]

Video about how to stop being a people pleaser from someone who records everything in black & white because of how insecure they are about how they look in colour & what people think about them.

[@juliakristinamah]

This is an interesting thought - can you say more about what led you to this conclusion?

[@Dezzyyx]

love the black and white, less stimulating so you can focus on the message