How to stop being a PERFECTIONIST.

[@7siete7]

One phrase that really helped me with perfection paralysis is "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly", it doesn't mean that you should do everything poorly, it just means that if you really need to get something done, doing it poorly is better than not doing it at all.

[@Enne-]

Progress > perfection

[@Caroline_Winkler]

this is such a hilarious and delightful alternative to the toxic "the way you do anything is the way you do everything". I love love this

[@NHarts3]

Commenting so I can be reminded of this saying in the future ❤

[@youparejo]

Out of all the quotes i read lately, i think this is the one i me gonna to pin on my wall

[@JohnMilton-forever]

love this!

[@Ma-Says]

Having 6 kids helped me get over a lot of my perfectionist tendencies. You don’t need a perfect meal, just a good healthy meal. You don’t need perfectly done laundry, just clean clothes that fit. You don’t need a spotless house, just good enough to function and enjoy. Your tips sound much easier than the route I took but it did work! 😂 Love your videos!!!

[@noone-re3zp]

This was crazy. I have a physics exam in a week and the past few days I've been completely paralyzed. I have barely studied. I keep telling myself I'll study after I do blank. When I saw you uploaded a video, I told myself I'll study after I watch it. No, this video was so good at pushing me to face studying that I studied in the middle of it. The second you said, set a 15 minute timer, I was like Fuck yes I'm doing this. You then said that I might study for even longer than that and I was like Nah, that's overestimating my energy. DUDE, I set a 15 minute timer then ignored it to keep studying for another 15 minutes! I studied for 30 minutes today! A lot freaking better than the 0 minutes the past week. THANK YOU. edit bcs someone asked: I GOT A B PLUS!!!!! genuinely genuinely genuinely would NOT have gotten such a high grade without finding this vid at the time i found it!! thanks caroline

[@jessmtnz]

Yeah! You can do it! Force! Acceleration! Mass! Omg I forgot physics! Go you!!!

[@CVH2311]

You've got this!! I recognize this so so much! For me it really helps to meet up with a friend for coffee and study there, at their place! That way I have an 'appointment' (coffee with friend), which I can't procrastinate, and my study session starts with a moment of relaxation (laughing with friend and a bit of their reassurance about my worries) and studying in their company or even just their house while they do other stuff reduces my perfectionism-related-anxiety.

[@Sheb24]

Good luck with your physics exam! I just finished my thesis a few days ago and the sheer amount of stress procrastinating I've done the last few weeks cannot be overstated. You can do it!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

ah man, i know that place so well. it is extremely relatable! this exam clearly holds a ton of weight in your mind, and that makes it so impossible to chip away at. try the 15 minutes, do 15 min increments for the whole study week if you need. you will get there. it's all surmountable :)

[@danikitttie]

I studied astrophysics and it's INSANE the amount of times I procrastinated because everything seemed so daunting all the dang time! I started doing the same thing as well, put a 15-minute timer and study all my homework and class notes. I would snooze the timer and then 2 hours later would look around and realize I had been studying that entire time. Discipline is important, but burnout is detrimental. [*edit for misspelling]

[@JillKnapp]

Holy sweet mother of crap, you just solved the goddamn mystery of my lifelong procrastination, anxiety, overexplaining, over-apologizing, and beating myself up. I am so showing this to my therapist.

[@misseffiesmith]

My pastor the other day shared that "Failure is not an event. It is a judgment about an event." And that really resonated with me and I think fits in with the last section of your video perfectly.

[@ndezhda6726]

wow! love this. tnx

[@alinabelousova]

A great example of that would be quitting a business and thinking that it was a failure, but actually I learned so much from it about myself and ways to run a business. Whenever I'd like to start over again I now have a wealth of knowledge of how to make it better. So I'd call it a real life lesson, not a failure.

[@ncfarmchick]

"An imperfect something is better than a perfect nothing." Author unknown but this quote has encouraged me many times.

[@alinabelousova]

Great quote. Similar to this one would be: "Done is better than perfect".

[@ih4630]

The saying “do your best” never resonated with me… I thought that was crazy because if I did my best at everything I would drop dead from exhaustion… One must leave room for playtime, socializing, art, etc.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

literally striving out here for my worst

[@k49821]

And I always struggled to figure out what "my best" was because I felt like I always could have done more probably and that's exhausting!

[@whirledpeas5717]

Re: C+ is OK. My last 1/4 of college I was burned out and went to the school's mental health services and the psych prof who was the counselor that day shocked me by telling - just get Cs. It doesn't matter, you'll have your degree. I didn't even know that was an option! I've taken his advice to heart and look for where a C is just fine.

[@nakitanash]

Wise man

[@nancybaumet8831]

There's a lot of truth to this. I got - literally- straight As my entire college career; and guess what? NOBODY cares. Nobody cared way back then and nobody cares about it now. In fact, I think I got passed up for a job because of it.

[@crystalwebster2005]

Dude, I was told ‘D equals diploma’

[@annemay3897]

They say in the Netherlands we have a 'sixes culture' which means we aim to just pass exams. My friends father used to respond to an 7,5: "that's your own fault", in that you spend too much time studying when you could have been doing something for fun!

[@jessmtnz]

Another piece of advice: don't delete things from your To Do List once you complete them! Don't rewrite it to look nicer! Later, when you feel like you've "done nothing all day" (because you didn't do the biggest thing yet), you need evidence that you did do something! Also add things to the list if you do something not on the list and cross it off! It's very empowering to see ALL THE THINGS you've done!

[@Teal_Seal]

👆me 😂

[@zvezdoblyat]

I definitely look for perfection in other people, and that's such an unrealistic way of looking at people, and it's unfair to hold anyone to those expectations.

[@oliviatreip2613]

Yes compassion for me, judgement for thee

[@oleksandrakovalenko5363]

me too and I just feel like such an abuser afterwards. I feel like I can't let people make their own mistakes and "fix them for their own good" which is so messed up((

[@Enne-]

Im the opposite... I give so many excuses and considerations to others but so harsh on myself. So I end up befriending the most selfish people and after a few years, after sucking the life out of me, give up on the excuses start putting a distance. Its horrible. Balance in everything ia the best.

[@alyssawoj]

I can relate to this. I have such a short fuse for anyone else making mistakes. It's a lot of effort to act easy-breezy but I'm always worried they can see the impatience in my eyes. And yes. I feel like an ass after!

[@gaslitworldf.melissab2897]

It's hard for me to say that, b/c I find that most of the folks in my circle are anything _but_, perfectionists and tend to half step, but expect raving praise for every little effort they make. So, I feel like my standards are too high, but I'm sure they aren't. It's my demographic.

[@kyliesalyers696]

feels like caroline is always saying things that i know to be true in my brain and world view but never put into words

[@Caroline_Winkler]

my favorite feedback, im so glad

[@orangeelliot]

Regarding corner cutting: I had a work mentor explain to me that we are like a sponges under a constant stream of water. Some water will be absorbed; most water will inevitably drip out of the soaked sponge. We often can't control the stream of water, but we can learn to control (to an extent) what is absorbed and what drips out.

[@lunar686]

I like this analogy...it’s definitely a good one thank you for sharing

[@barttrodd7918]

Brene Brown talks about how perfectionism is driven by feelings of shame. And I can definitely see how shame has driven my personal drive for unachievable perfectionism. The fear of failure is usually rooted in feelings of shame. Loved the video ❤

[@ursaratajc]

"Better done than perfect" is a another useful quote I'm trying to remember whenever feeling overwhelmed by overthinking about an assignment.

[@gabrielaorozco1228]

I'm about to sit in front of my sewing machine to alterate some clothes and I'm thinking: this time it's going to be fun! No matter the results ✨💕

[@michipichi0]

oh man perfectionism really holds me back in sewing specifically

[@Unseelie01]

Hah! My sewing machine is also sitting RIGHT THERE staring at me.

[@HolisticWitchofMd]

yes 🙌

[@lizlavigne835]

Ohhhh, sewing - I just finished a project that I started 4 YEARS ago. Even though I thought my idea was cute, I became so afraid that it was going to look dumb and the person I was making it for would truly be disappointed in that kind of gift. The recipient’s birthday recently came around again so I decided to finish the thing. It ended up taking only an afternoon to sew. I even forgot how some of my pieces were supposed to go together so I simplified it. I was so relieved to be able to give my long-intended gift and to shed the burden of the long-associated guilt. The recipient absolutely loved her gift and genuinely thought it looked amazing. It’s crazy how debilitating and paralyzing our own perfectionism is but how rewarding it can be to challenge it and move on.

[@pollykent2100]

Wow, I just got a chill reading your comment. There's a quilting project I have been procrastinating on forever! I cut the squares during the Covid lockdown, and have yet to sew even two together! I have done two miniature prototypes, to test my idea of how to quilt it. But it's a very emotion-laden quilt, and I can see now that my desire for it to be perfect is holding me back.

[@smallhouseinthemeadow6131]

I was so worried about a presentation I had to do for a class today because I am a perfectionist, and I killed it! All that worry for nothing.The best dating advice this old lady can give you(from a ton of experience and four marriages), is instead of worrying if THEY like YOU, be more concerned if YOU like THEM. Then just be yourself and relax and have fun. When we don't put expectations on how the date will go, we can't be let down if it sucks and we just might wind up having a really good time. You only want to settle down with someone who totally gets and likes YOU, warts , misspelled texts and all.

[@ingsYEAH]

This is one of my favorite videos of yours so far. "Perfectionism doesn't amount to perfection." Well said bb

[@joobydoobydoo]

This video is brilliant! Thanks Caroline

[@betterwithblake]

This video resonated with me on a deep level. The account of the negative effects of perfectionism and their practical tips for overcoming it are incredibly insightful. I appreciate the emphasis on embracing failure as a natural part of life and the importance of finding the balance between where to put in more effort and where to cut corners.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

i'm so happy to hear this. I really identify with compulsive perfectionism is CERTAIN areas of life, and these are some of the aha moments that have relieved a lot of pressure for me recently. I'm so glad this felt helpful to someone else out there, and thank you for sharing this with me :)

[@betterwithblake]

@@Caroline_Winkler I made a video recently on why i hate being a perfectionist so when I saw this my eyes lit up 😌

[@Caroline_Winkler]

@@betterwithblake ah! i will check it out!

[@Paul_ABC]

"Things I thought would matter, but didn't" list. This is genius. If only, if ONLY I could actually follow through and remember to do something like this 😅

[@paigepooler9036]

Put making a list the first task on your list!! 2 birds one stone!

[@MaraCares]

Not only do you give amazing new, unique pieces of advice; you also present advice I've heard a million times in a way that makes it land for once. Thank you for your videos.

[@grannyronna]

Mara, so well said. Curious if you can dive deeper on what helps advice land for you? Would love your insights.

[@monicaestrada4889]

Literally, right?!?!?!

[@angusmorrison9433]

@@grannyronnaalthough for me many I’ve heard before were more enjoyable just bc it was entertaining Caroline who said them, it was the “keeping lists”segment that I’m looking to attempt to seriously incorporate into my life now. Although both my siblings, both my older brother and sister, have each told me at different times in life to keep lists (they both do and like doing and do accomplish much more than me), I fought the suggestion as just another thing to do, something to add to my day. Both of them have told me how great it feels to cross something off the list, and now that I heard Caroline say -also add things to the list that you did that wasn’t on there so you can feel good to cross it off- I’m sure my sister has told me that too. But……..she’s (sister) also gone through her lists and made a very long story out of everything she’s done for weeks on end before she’s done telling me about the importance of keeping lists, so I’m pretty sure I’m already worn out about the idea before our conversation is over. And it could very well be that the suggestion is coming from a sibling vs. a friend/not family member -long story myself today😂. Thanks for listening. I’m putting “wrote a long story to a friend” on my new list for today.😂 (Kathy)

[@kebz6224]

Completely agree

[@seasnow9394]

I was just talking with my partner about how this second part you've addressed. Historically, when I felt like I do a great job in one area - (kicking ass at work for example), I haven't let myself celebate a job well-done... Instead, I would beat myself up for letting things slide in other areas (house projects other to-do list things). BUT WE ARE JUST ONE PERSON... ONE! We can't get 100%, A++ at everything but we should be SO STOKED for ourselves when we do well in one area and let it motivate us rather than just use it as a weapon about WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU ALSO DO XYZ?!?! So I finally just decided to say to myself the other day, "Bish, SELF, shuddup... you are great, you work so hard, and you are a baddass." And I am going to keep working to shift my mindset that way.

[@theotherws]

Elaborating on "do the easiest task first". When I have optional work (e.g. housework) with no accountability, it's really hard for me to decide to care, again. It helps me to think about my tasks in terms of "activation energy" or "how much energy do I have to expend to start the task". So for me, easiest might not be the shortest task, it might be the one I'm most excited about, most confident about, or the one that I care about slightly more than the others. Either way, very helpful to give yourself the freedom not to do the "most important" task up top. Sometimes you eat the frog; other times you are grateful that you did at least one your to do list.

[@grannyronna]

Activation energy! What a good phrase. I think about it in terms of the doorstep...how high do i have to step to get on the road and get going?

[@LouiseT2405]

I tried to be the perfect girlfriend/fiance and it meant that I ultimately pushed my needs down to the pits of hell to prioritise my boyfriend instead. It meant my entire self worth revolved around how well i met his needs, and how he responded to me for doing that. It meant i became smothering but also incredibly needy. I was always trying to please him because that meant i could get external validation from him. He ended up leaving me because he felt he didnt love me anymore which totally crushed me for the longest time. It felt like a failure. Therapy has helped ❤

[@Kgy1371]

Thanks for sharing Louise. It’s very brave of you. I’m actually going through the exact same with my husband of nearly 5 years. He left nearly a year ago and I did the exact thing you described. Know you’re not alone and sharing helps others.

[@victoriarobertson266]

Wow. Thank you. I'm about 6 months out of a relationship where I was like that, that ended with him no longer loving me or wanting to follow through with plans we made together. Still really deeply hurt by it and how it's affected every aspect of my life.

[@melmel7011]

I do not blame the men for leaving. You guys its hard to love someone who doesnt love themselves, its not attractive at all. How would you value someone who see no value in themselves?

[@gini_b]

Being this self aware is amazing - well done Louise! I did this during my 20's because that's where I saw my self-worth.... In a man's opinion of me, and they were 'low quality' men aswell because of how insecure I was about myself (childhood trauma). It was always men that didn't care, who weren't supportive, who were narcissistic and selfish etc. Painful lessons, but ultimately its taught me how to be my most authentic and happy self! ❤🎉

[@LouiseT2405]

@@melmel7011 true. There were faults on both sides of our relationship and he was far from perfect. I put up with a lot because of what i thought its what i deserved/we still had a lot of positives about our relationship. Its incredibly complex but yes, ultimately the work for me now starts on building up my self esteem.

[@JessicasPersonallll]

Hi! You may never see this but I just wanna say - these videos make such a difference for some people. I’m going through a really, really hard time in my life. Fresh out of a long relationship, second year into my career as a teacher but at a new school this year with a different grade level, super long commute, super low monthly budget, having co-parenting/custody stress with my daughter’s dad - just dealing with a lot of grief and stress. I have been coping in the worst ways. But I’ve been slowly crawling out of this depression, trying to change habits one by one. Swapping out mind-numbing Netflix series for uplifting KZbin videos and in that process I found your channel. Your personality is so charismatic. You’re smart, witty, sarcastic, funny, down-to-earth - all the things I need little doses of in my life right now. When I’m in a funk I know if I turn on one of your videos I’ll be able to get out of my bed, listen to you and get moving. These videos with your life advice are my absolute favorite 🩷 thanks for what you do.

[@elizabethtonovic4678]

This is so important! Back in 2011, I'd decided at age 27 to go to university. I worked my arse off continuing to work part-time, whilst allowing my perfectionism to drive me into the ground, obsessed with getting the best marks possible and maintaining a perfect GPA. Did I achieve my goals? Yup, I won the award that I had been aiming for, and raked in the high distinctions. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. I became sick, very sick with ME/CFS, I had to quit uni in May 2012, and I have been housebound and/or bedbound with chronic illness since. I've lost nearly everything in my life as a consequence, a long-term relationship, friendships, my home, my cats, my car, and most importantly my independence. Now, I'm 39, and back living at home with my mother, who is now my carer. I have no real hope for the future of an independent healthy life, a career, a partner. Trying to have it all can mean you lose everything.

[@chlomo2618]

I find it useful to remind myself that 'Perfectionism isn't about standards, it's about fear'. So I need to force myself to confront the fear that's holding me back from starting, or finishing, something. Because most of the time, as you say, the thing you're afraid of doesn't actually matter. We're all dying 😂

[@officerjazzi]

This really helped me, thank you!

[@michellemontana]

Caroline, thank you. I struggle with this so much with my channel (I have an interior design channel too) I’m still new to this and I procrastinate so much on filming because my anxiety tells me that I need to make a BANGER video EVERY WEEK so I can “blow up”. I started making videos because it’s it brings me joy. This was a good reminder of that.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

wow relate to that so hard. every video has to be *the big one*. it's a quick route to burnout and turning a passion pursuit into a source of anxiety. I've learned to throw in videos that are just fun to film, easy to edit, and still fun for everyone else. then i have more time and energy to put towards the special videos. good luck friend :)

[@michellemontana]

@@Caroline_Winkler thank you Caroline 🥹❤️

[@randomroka]

@@michellemontana I recommend reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Big Magic! In one chapter she writes about the paralyzing state of "having done something GREAT, now everything has to be at least that GREAT" and to overcome this you really just have to create and then create more, even if it's "bad". Take off the pressure of making something GREAT every single time, because it's just unrealistic, and instead focus on having fun, maybe experimenting with new stuff, and just put your stuff out into the world fearlessly, even if it's not the GREATEST, without putting so much pressure on it. And then create more. ❤

[@michellemontana]

@@randomroka that sounds really amazing thank you for the rec!!!! ❤️

[@HappyHarryX5]

I self published 3 books and was constantly worried they wouldn’t be perfect. I ended up just having fun with them and doing them for myself but learnt a lot about my struggle with perfectionism as I edited them myself.

[@HappyHarryX5]

Awesome! I let go of perfectionism the day my kids came home from school and said their new curriculum was called learning journeys. Didn’t help that I had a husband that demanded perfectionism his way. Now I’m finding out what works for me and trying different things. I learnt to machine quilt by breaking up each aspect into 5 min sessions and it took away the stress and I learnt so much faster. I teach it using that technique and students also get it faster and are less stressed and I smile! I learnt that I had to be perfect as a kid when my sis would lie to get me in trouble with my Mum and I was forced to make up wth her. I tried so hard to be perfect so I there would be no appearance of me doing anything wrong. That trauma bonding ruined me and set me up to marry the wrong guy because I wasn’t worthy of the right one.

[@dennyc9159]

I recommend the book "the paradox of choice" by barry schwartz. There are sections of being a perfectionist vs. going for good enough and being happy.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

oh ive heard so much about this, amazing recommendation thank you! i will check it out

[@lunar686]

Is that where the idea that ‘with too many options we have a higher tendency to blame ourselves for errors, but with fewer options we don’t’ came from?

[@dennyc9159]

@@lunar686 that’s one of the main ideas from the book. In the book perfectionists are ‘maximisers' that is people who want to ensure they get the most out of the choices they make. The problem is too many choices for the perfectionist often results difficulties making a choice and when a choice is made it sometimes leads to regret or disappointment

[@lunar686]

@@dennyc9159 Thank you. I thought his name was familiar. I was watching a TEDTalk I believe recently that extended upon that idea, to explain why choice paralysis is so common in the modern world with greater number of options, using the analogy of buying jeans lol. Back in the day when you only had three relatively similar pairs to choose between, most people were very satisfied with their choices, even if the options weren’t that great as it was all that was available and you could blame logistics or the manufacturer if the choice sucked. Now that we have websites with hundreds of very similar pairs of jeans to choose between, if we purchase a bad pair, we then go on to blame ourselves for not selecting correctly....I’m guessing people that are considered maximises probably see more of these options and opportunities in their daily life

[@crystalwebster2005]

@@Caroline_Winkler it’s a great book. I read it super fast I loved it so much

[@rina.a]

I've been carrying the curse of perfectionism for as long as I remember. No psychologist ever had put it in perspective so accurately as you did. Thank you!

[@Plendamed]

What else I wanted to tell you. Today I watched your video on loneliness again. I'm currently in a phase where I'm challenging myself. That means I've already been to kickboxing, I've had a manicure/pedicure for the first time, I've been to the cinema and various art exhibitions by myself. However, today I was alone at a stand up comedy show. And your video motivated me even more to just go there alone. So thanks.

[@cathcath570]

Good for you!! I’ve also never gotten a manicure/pedicure 😅

[@Caroline_Winkler]

you should be incredibly proud of yourself. all those moments of growth is where life is richest and you are learning. theres a lot of unknown and possibility in there, that you've created for yourself and i'm really excited for you :) great work, friend

[@Plendamed]

@@Caroline_Winkler Thank you very much for your valuable feedback. :) stand up comedy It's very special to go there alone. However, last Saturday I was in a play called RAGE. It was wonderful to be there alone. Also, I thought I was trying something completely out of my comfort zone and I went for a pole dance taster session. Even though I can't attend a beginner's course there right now, I can definitely imagine that you definitely learn to accept your body there. (Strange. A very unexpected finding).

[@mandyhackman9740]

I think being a circus artist has helped me with this a lot, because there’s mistakes that result in grave consequences, and then there’s everything else. It’s an instant priority check for the “things I thought would matter but didn’t” part of my brain. I’m not trying to be flippant about it- just noticing that I used to struggle with this alot more than I do now, and I think being able to get offstage and say to myself “everyone survived and all the rest is icing on the cake” is a big part of why. It all matters and it’s all good info for growth, and of course fucking up still sucks when it happens, but there are a relatively small number of things that it truly, actually matters to get exactly right (and even those have a tolerance window when you get right down to it, just a smaller one. But that’s a conversation for a different time.)

[@ponygirlusa]

So true. Stay safe! 🙏🎪

[@grannyronna]

Circus artist? Really? That is so cool. And yeah, grave consequences seems to understate it. Agree, though, that getting just a few things right makes for a good day and a good life.

[@mandyhackman9740]

I was a pro dancer in New York and someone in a company I was in was teaching circus- the rest is history lol. But nowadays there are tons of studios! You probably have a studio near you, and I would say finding that studio and getting in some classes is the best way to start! If you’re in the US and comfortable sharing what city you’re in I might have a recommendation :)

[@monicaestrada4889]

Holly shit. I have been feeling so alone this past week and my depression really gotten the best of me. It wasn't until today that I found a video on "how to deal with loneliness" that I found out that my perfectionism/anxiety comes from trying to avoid getting hurt. If i find the perfect friend, they will always be there. But things aren't always so black and white. Making friends in your mid 20's is really hard to do now a days. Deep and meaningful friendships are very hard to come by. The fact that this title video came on the same day as my realization of my perfectionism is amazing. I'm so happy to know that there is a way to manage this feeling of "never good enough". Thank you so much for this video, Caroline. I'm very grateful for your honesty and your courage to talk about something that affects more people than we could possibly imagine. Thank you for your vulnerability on the subject, you are amazing. 🖤✨️🖤✨️

[@RikkuBurnside]

I just stopped what I was doing (cleaning my house haha), because I really felt the need to write this comment. I found your channel by chance (don't even remember what I was browsing), and stayed due to your openness, sincerity and deep thoughts on really important topics. I struggle with anorexia, perfectionism, depression and anxiety and my life is often hell. Your videos on mental health and related topics and how you treat them have been really helpful to me, and had me understand that I'm not alone and that a lot of people feel the same. I also enjoy your interior design videos. Just wanted to come here for a sec and say thank you for your work :)

[@lindat1078]

I’ve been in a group called Alanon for many years. It’s for families and friends of addicts basically…. The wonderful things Caroline is saying about controlling situations and needing to be perfect are spot on! Thanks for the enlightening words that echo what I’ve learned in Alanon!💜

[@Caroline_Winkler]

i really appreciate hearing this. i've never participated in Alanon personally, but I've read a LOT about it in my reading about codependency (since the term was first coined to describe dynamics between alcoholics and those close to them). The dynamics really carry over, I struggle with many of the enabling/control issues. I am really glad to hear that the group has been helpful to you!

[@allisonjex4885]

I really relate to this "moral perfectionism" that you mentioned, it's exhausting. Even if I don't become perfect (as I might expect myself to be after watching this video), hearing that I can relate to somebody else in that way is healing.

[@LindyL]

Thank you for this video. I've been trying to break the habit of being a perfectionist as well. For example I don't re-park my car 15 times until it is PERFECTLY aligned. I just take a deep breath and let it go and move on with my day. It feels good to be able to do that because then I re-gain so much of my time and energy.

[@Meraxes6]

So so true. When I figured out that my procrastination wasn’t laziness, just fear of failure, it changed my life. I’ve worked on both my confidence in my abilities and relaxing my standers just enough to be able to motivate myself to get started. Made all the difference in the world.

[@PEARLPediatricTherapyPLLC]

“Do the physical steps” is genius in its simplicity. TY Caroline!!

[@sherryg1838]

Ouch, this is me. I’m 63 and have been managing it for years. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

it's a constant thing i'm working on, so much left to learn. these little tips have brought a little relief to me and some of my loved ones. i hope they will for you too!

[@Maki707]

Dutch is glorious person I follow on TT and he said once something along the lines of: If you don't feel like doing something, but it has to be done, JUST DO IT MISERABLY. It elevated so much of my dread for doing things that are simple, but I am too depressed, or anxious, or busy or whatever to bring it my best. I'm allowed to hate the process of doing it. And sometimes I do. And sometimes I'm surprised it's actually not that miserable. Phrases don't usually stick with me, but this one, it revolutionised my life.

[@fromknitlovepurl]

One of the things I do when I am overwhelmed is to make a to do list of my to do list. My main ‘to do list’ is inside my planner. But when push comes to shove and I just have time to work on a couple of things, I write those 2-3 things in a post it and just close my planner. I just have to do the next thing, not the next 10 things. Thank you for the video!

[@andreasanford8814]

I do this all the time! I have a running to do list of more "long term" items but found that overwhelmed me. On my daily planner I write just a handful of things I can actually finish and need to accomplish that day or very soon. Then I have post it's that are short/long term items. This way I can remember what I need to do but do the here and now from day to day.

[@apushkal]

I do that too, the longer term catch- all list is separate from the day's list. And then I pick from the day's list ONE thing that is the focus of the day. Like, if I could only do one thing, which would make the most difference? It really helps clarify everything

[@laduke1s]

Holy crap. You could not have hit the nail on the head harder. This struck me so hard. So hard. I struggle with this and I'm not even sure I knew that I did until watching your video. So many things made me stop and say wtf, this is incredible. Love your designs, I'm here for it.

[@ConceptsInHealth]

I appreciate your honesty and transparency. You share what so many of us now or have in the past have struggled with. I sense you are sharing so urgently because you are in an urgent place in your life. Take time off. Slow down. Get help. No shame in that. All your fans will hang with you for the rest of the journey❤️❤️❤️

[@Caroline_Winkler]

appreciate you for this

[@jessicas253]

The list of stuff that I thought would matter but didn't sounds like a great idea. My therapist always told me to appreciate the actual reality of situations that were scary to me, after they were over - which is exactly what your list does. I will give it a try. And I noticed that your latest videos don't have background music anymore, which I actually appreciate. Totally changes the mood of the videos and makes them even more relaxing to watch. Although I always loved your music choices. I really think you're a great editor with great scripts. 💜 P.S.: I wish I could have one of those robots, too, but I have two cats and I'm afraid it won't be able to tackle all the hair. Cleaning is my nemesis. It's the perfect example of my stupid perfectionism/anxiety: Why start to clean at all if I can't do it 100% right? Maybe the trick with the timer will help me get started. 😑

[@amyg.8592]

Very helpful. And although I hate failing, I'd much rather be the friend who makes a mistake and then says "That's not how I should have done things" than to be the perfectionist who says "I did nothing wrong" (because failure is too hard to accept). If I do the latter, there's no room to fix anything. Switching to another of your tips, I had a very hard time starting writing assignments in college and I've never heard it explained the way you said it. As a writer now, I do just jump in and take some kind of action, and it does work! Now I'll think "Oh, I'm just anxious because this is important. I can start it anyway." :)

[@Caroline_Winkler]

wow so well said, yes. and the truth is - we have no choice but to be the friend who makes a mistake - because all people do. everyone of us is the friend who will sometimes make a mistake. but are you the friend who can own up and learn quickly, or the friend who lives in fear bracing for the universally inevitable

[@brittannylarevitzear1869]

"I'm just anxious because it's important" YES THANK YOU! What a simple, lovely way to articulate that. ❤

[@amyg.8592]

@Caroline Winkler thanks, and yep, the learning part is sometimes so scary, but definitely inevitable. Here's a quote from author Peter Gethers that hit home for me. "Janis is the type who doesn't like to learn: she likes to be perfect. Since learning, or at least the PROCESS of learning, is antithetical to short-term perfection, she tended to get rather cranky..." "She had the same problem learning French. She didn't want to speak the language until she actually KNEW the language." (She learns French anyway, mistakes and all...that's from "A Cat Abroad").

[@NikolaiGunter]

I have kept myself from pursuing so many things because the feel of failure is paralyzing sometimes. Things like watercolor painting and photography. So much of it stems from being the "gifted" child, and getting good grades in school without effort. Like your brain tricks itself into thinking that's what life should be like? And it obviously isn't lol so failure hurts because it means something is intrinsically wrong with us. Thank you for this, Caroline. I'll make sure to actively implement this in my life, just for fun and no matter the outcome. ❤

[@brocktungsten6060]

Thank you for this video -- it strikes a chord with me. I was killing myself as a photography hobbyist (in the old film days). The more I tried to take that "great image" the worse I fared and felt. I had to quit. Then digital photography happened. I now have a mantra, "I can fix it in post," and it lets me move on. More and more I find that my pics are *good enough* as they are right from the camera. And I'm having fun.

[@sarahbass8130]

I recently stumbled across a mantra that has really helped me with getting out of a perfectionist mindset- "There is no such thing as perfection, only excellence" & then I'll ask myself if this given thing I'm feeling the need to get perfect needs to be done with excellence ("does it apply to this"). Usually the answer is no. It allows me to approach it with a "good enough" attitude, & actually give proper attention to the things that matter

[@stephaniecurrie7616]

Caroline, your videos are so relatable and encouraging! I am a champ at starting new projects and not seeing them all the way through. This year, I've used the phrase "Done is better than perfect " to help me make progress on my list of unfinished things. It really helps!

[@annaelleledoux3109]

For years I thought procrastination and perfectionnism were incompatible because I always pictured perfectionnists as people who really did all they could to achieve their goal, no matter what it was. So I thought I was lazy because I always procrastinated instead of doing what I had to do. But thanks to you I realised that it was not laziness but the fear of not achieving the task as perfectly as I wanted it to be

[@omgitotallyloveyoutu]

This was incredibly helpful. The perfectionism paralysis is probably the biggest thing I struggle with regularly, but I'd never really put it into words to even realise. Thank you, Caroline :)

[@katevenhorst1723]

8:32 hit me hard. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I will notice I’m half-assing an unimportant task (cleaning the toaster while cleaning the kitchen). And I tell myself this, “how you do anything is how you do everything” and I’ll become instantly stressed about doing this stupid task perfectly. But man, you’re so right. This motto leave no room for humanity and makes people feel as though they must be “perfect” in every aspect of their lives and that’s just not reality.

[@Erin_Davenport]

🙋🏻‍♀️ Recovering perfectionist here! Great conversation to contribute to, Caroline - thank you for doing so. The convo is much needed, and I resemble many of the things you mentioned. I love the idea that perfectionism is actually the lowest bar we can set for ourselves because it’s impossible to achieve - and you’re so right, it’s truly a signal of fear of failure. Awareness and grace with ourselves and others is the way! Secondary comment: would love to know where your cute top is from! XO!

[@lyndacobb1140]

I often murmur to myself that “Perfection is the enemy of the good.” Basically the shortcut for what am I willing to get a B on in order to focus on the thing I wish to get an A on. Loved this video. Also been listening to the podcast. I’m your mom’s age- or older. The one on the rabbit had me blushing and cackling. You go girl! 😂😊🐇

[@YasmeenKhan]

Came here in the hope someone had commented this!

[@SelfAbridged]

The reminder to just physically do something got me over a hump with a task I was making bigger in my head than it actually was, and I'm now caught up on all of the work that came in before noon today. Thank you!

[@ThanasisPlevritis-bi7gv]

You are a characteristic example of the KZbinr of 2010's aka casey neistat vlog vibes that I think we all have missed a lot in this day and age of tik tok, please keep doing what you do as long as it makes you happy, lots of love from Athens, Greece

[@linesch2569]

Such an important message! I’ve learned this the hard way over the last three years of doing my PhD. At some point an older colleague told me: a good thesis is a finished thesis. And that really stuck with me. So instead of waiting to hand it in when I felt like it was “done” or “perfect”, I set a date. I then worked my ass off for the final six months, hid the messier chapter in the middle (:D) and just handed it in last week!! My supervisors all think it’s more than enough work and I finally have my life back! now working on not caring so much about the exact outcome ;) wish me luck with that process haha

[@jrwheeland]

I loved this video! I’ve found that procrastination is a coping mechanism for perfectionism as well - the script goes something like “it’s not perfect because I rushed to meet the deadline” it’s like a hedge from being vulnerable and pouring your time and effort into something only for it to be not perfect- like just okay.

[@actuaryaltair6280]

I think you just made the most perfect video about how crippling perfectionism can be. Your words are therapy to me.

[@behuman5725]

This is an excellent video. The word perfection sounds positive but striving for it can be negative and it’s also subjective. I’m in my 60’s and was married to a narcissist where your idea of perfect is never good enough. I try to be aware of not worrying about perfection and you’re so right about it being anxiety rooted

[@lunar686]

Perfectionism and narcissism combined sounds like fun! Gosh hope you’re doing well now and can enjoy your days without negativity and anxiety 🌸

[@Caroline_Winkler]

completely agree, and im so glad you enjoyed the video ❤

[@GerminatingJoy]

Wow! So relatable, I was laughing at myself and chuckling that the same things go through someone else’s brain. As a new empty nester I have found myself extra paralyzed with too many thoughts and not enough action. Thank you.

[@potsnpaninis]

Thank you for this! Your channel came into my life at the end of my longest relationship, and all your content has been such a help with that and so many other things. My healing with this started with a lot of self-doubts and unjustified blaming, but I’m learning to see the relationship for what it was and how much I really tried to make things work. In general, I’m working on becoming more secure with who I am to others, as this is a huge point of perfectionism for me.

[@bellavita2484]

Thanks for sharing! This was indeed helpful. I do have something to add as well: 1. Hold your self to a standard of GRACE, not perfection 2. Often 80% is enough. It doesn't always need to be 100% 3. You are loved deeply by Jesus. You are enough. God bless everyone reading this ❤

[@inkandcaffeine]

GIRL WHY DO YOU UPLOAD EXACTLY WHEN I NEED YOU TO!! last week had a massive breakdown about mothering/homemmakeing because after 4 weeks our (diy) house renovations weren't completed & i didnt feel capable of putting a house together & keeping baby on even a kind of schedule after moving across the country yes completely things i cant & shouldnt control or stress over but oh boy are high standards heavy to hold, thankfully i have a great supportive (& blunt;) husband & wonderful content i follow that is more inspiring than defeating

[@kimberlynelson557]

This video was so helpful - the whole idea of “the thinking has become more painful than the doing” hit hard. I found your channel just the other day and I’ve watched a few of your videos - the topics are so relevant and the info is so useful. But at the same time they’re just fun to watch and make me laugh! You seem like such a humble and beautiful person. Thank you for putting these videos out there❤️

[@BountifulBudsOnABudget]

Caroline, I have to tell you - you have changed my freaken life in the past 3 weeks. One of your videos popped up on my KZbin (the confidence one?), I watched it, and fell in love with your energy. You are incredible. You have SO much valuable insight and wisdom, and your sense of humor is one of one. I also listen to the pod and get a lot out of you & Jess’s talks. I love learning from you. Keep it up, babe. You da freaken BOMB 💣

[@magpie8871]

I NEEDED THIS. Just left a 4 year relationship and I'm basically starting over. I love you and thank you for all that you do.

[@Plendamed]

The only thing I can control is my behavior. I can't control everything else, I can only learn to deal with it. Thanks for the very enriching video. Thank you for your experiences and for your openness. I am very grateful to you.

[@asmasharaf5988]

Best advice I ever heard is “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”. I really struggle with task initiation and while it doesn’t completely solve the issue, remembering that always makes me feel lighter lol

[@mathildeneau3500]

THANK YOU. I was looking for all the reasons why I was procrastinating, and turned out I just needed to recreate momentum and stop focusing 15000 steps ahead, but on the next 2 or 3. The 5min timer and to do (with comments like: you’re a badass girl keep going) help so muuuuch!! Crazy how same advice shared in a different way can have so much impact 🙌

[@gabydorough7308]

First, corralling... and now this jewl of a video on perfectionism. You're fixing my house and my mental clutter. Thank you Winkler! ❤

[@peggyjones3282]

I add tasks to my list that I already completed. Any productivity that I've had so far needs to be rewarded with a line through it! This was really helpful. I'm going to go make a list right now!

[@OllieSmiless]

I love your unique perspective on perfectionism. Recovering perfectionist over here 👋 I also realized, like a pile of bricks fell on my head, that perfectionism is the manifestation of feeling like I'm not enough. The more I listen to you (2 videos so far, discovered you today), the more I feel like I AM ENOUGH. Thank you!!!

[@judi-anncrooks4756]

Why are you more helpful than my therapist! Thanks for being you and sharing your insights

[@czechoutabigail1603]

I definitely needed to hear the advice in the "what they won't teach you school" section. It a such relief to hear that we don't have to get A+s in everything 100% of the time and that it's okay to cut corners on the things that you decide matter less. Thanks for the tips, Caroline!

[@viktoriaul8494]

You have become my private psychologist. Thank you soooooo much Because of you I overcame myself and restarted my physical trainings, i am training now for 4 months and i dont want to give up) I am struggling with perfectionism all my life and your video just blew my mind, opened my eyes Thank you for your frankness Thank you for sharing your thoughts It means really a lot

[@carmellaschwab4339]

Multiple videos have been released where the message is sooo freaking critical to the exact moment in my life that I am actively trying to work through. It's incredible how timely, relevant and challenging (in the best way possible) your messages are for persobal growth. This isn't a "hack" like so many other youtubers, this is really impactful, well thought out and deeply personal. Thank you!

[@pamela3213]

I truly believe it comes down to being confident! Don't know if it's generational or how I was raised by supportive, loving parents or what? Doing the Best you can and allow acceptance brings contended Peace within myself. When I was young and would make a mistake, my father instilled in me, "if you make a 'mistake' and learned from it; wasn't a 'mistake' at all"!! I encourage Everyone to realize Acceptance goes a long way ✨

[@misslaurahueto]

Couldn’t agree more! At the moment I am trying to get my managers at work to see that it’s okay to cut corners sometimes - not just okay, but actually indispensable. At the moment their expectation is that we will give 110% every week, for every project and request, no matter how small. What they don’t realise is that, aside from crushing morale and burning us out, this approach is silly because we end up missing/messing up things, sometimes important ones - if we were actually able to prioritise, and cut some of the less-critical tasks, we could actually make sure we were nailing our core priority work, and only take on additional tasks where we have capacity and it will actually have a good impact. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You either choose something to deprioritise, or life will deprioritise it for you

[@rsblueberry]

Reading "The Untethered Soul" has helped me with this. Whenever I make a mistake, I also remind myself that I'm human and that mistakes happen. I also acknowledge that mistakes are just opportunities for improving processes going forward and finding awareness for areas of improvement that weren't noticed before.

[@HolisticWitchofMd]

i am literally LOL ing at ' The way u do anything Is the way u do EVERYTHING' i am experiencing a depressive episode at the moment and i have to let some stuff go a little so everything doesn't fall. i love this video and ur whole vibe. I love the phrase 'humanity' that you used. YES 🙌 let us be human society

[@wallermakes]

This reminds me of the book Essentialism that I finished a few weeks ago. Whatever one's brand of "self help" is, it's kind of all the same thing: recognizing what is essential and sticking to that. Your insights reminded me of that, because at the end of the day, what matters the most is our mental health and peace. Much love to you as always!

[@birdwingsyoga]

Bell Hooks found a definition of perfection that meant “a process of refinement” and I really felt that one. But also my refinement often leads me with nothing. Thank you for this video Caroline.

[@MykaleBlack]

Just think of all the inspirational biographies of ALL the people we look up to. It's the OVERCOMING that makes the story, that earns the RESPECT, and adds to the VALUE of their success. ❤

[@meghancowling3479]

The “things I thought were important but weren’t” list is brilliant and I am ABSOLUTELY creating my own. The concept you explained RE having to choose which areas of your life you’re okay with not giving 100% in was something that I learned through my own very personal experiences in early adulthood as a self-identified “perfectionist” and it was REVELATORY. I still struggle and need to remind myself to just fkn chill. That it’ll be ok. But, yeah, i was so happy to hear you discuss this concept because I feel like we often need explicit permission to even consider such an idea. Great video. Thanks, Caroline!

[@dianeandbrad529]

I have found that 1) yes, perfectionism seems like a badge of honor right now and 2) humility is a good corrective lens for perfectionism. Perfectionism requires a level of thinking we can control things and people, that it “has to be us” to do it otherwise it cant possibly be done right, and that we need to meddle and fix everything around us to be perfect. It lacks humility and also takes away from empowering those around us. Its a hard lesson to learn. I was forced to learn through having a sudden pain condition come into my life and I was forced to lower expectations I had on so many things. And somehow, the world kept turning, people reached out to me for help when they *needed it* (I didnt have to meddle or fix everything myself), and I freed myself of having to think the world can be controlled, that everything had to be perfect, and I had to be the one to do it. If Im being honest, not a whole lot changed with me switching perspectives and actions and that was a very humbling thing to realize.

[@Yiffniff13]

Yes, 100% agree with the adding silly little tasks to your to-do list! Checking them off is just so satisfying :)

[@JayaShay]

God I needed this pep talk! I try and keep so many things perfect to even a level of OCD. Thankyou for breaking this bad boy down and unpeeling me like an onion. I love how deep you go and how real you also keep it. I have a UK version of that robomop. I've named her Vicky and she always puts a good shift in x

[@LaurenAnne6]

One of my professors introduced me to the phrase, "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good." When I can remember that, it's super helpful. Also so, so, so, so much therapy. Like, a lot. The not matters topic. When I told my now husband that I loved him for the first time, he did not say it back. It was humiliating. I thought my life was over. Lol!

[@jesshumphrey]

I just started homeschooling my daughter and we watched this as part of today's "life skills" curriculum. We freaking love your videos!

[@lisabailey6605]

Such a good point, perfectionism doesn’t ever lead to perfection!

[@leahnamaciocia2636]

This! You captured it perfectly (haha). Seriously though, spot on description of perfectionist patterns and behaviours, I feel v seen. Love the "Things you thought would matter but didn't" list, exactly I need so I can keep track of my brain's sneaky ways, hold it accountable and try to learn a wee bit from the whole thing. Also TIL that robo mops exist. Chef's kiss.

[@szvetlana1000]

There was a Big Think article on something along these lines: you’ll screw up in life no matter how hard you’ll try, it will humble you and make you kinder / softer. It was talking about big life mistakes & failures not the “small stuff”. I though that is it! That’s my biggest fear. To mess up something really important eg my marriage, or to transmit my unhelpful traits to my kids or worse, to allow them to become estranged from me or say to be hurtful to my parents, they die and I’ll live with regret forever. These are important. Having the perfect dinner party, committing a social faux pas or caring about what strangers think about me? Nah. Keep perspective! ❤

[@kellylee_p9076]

Hi Caroline you may not ever see this message but if you do I just wanted to say this video is one of the best I’ve watched on KZbin in years!. I am a new subscriber (Hi from Australia!) and have been binge watching your videos for two days (you are my new favourite!) something about this video really resonated with me. I’ve even jotted down some of your key phrases in my notes section on my phone so I can revisit them. It’s brought a new clarity to my whole perfectionism/procrastination cycle! So thank you for making a video that matters! Well I mean ALL your videos matter haha, especially the goofy ones 😝 but this one was so spot on! Thanks so much! Cheers Xx😊

[@deborahclatworthy3885]

Damn! You nailed me. Perfectionism = fear…. Anxiety = fear…. Worry = fear. I am learning good is often good enough. Excellent video! Thank you.

[@christinakottmann]

Thanks for the ideas and the "How I Built This" reminder that everything will eventually be a story. What helps me in those mistake moments is to think about how I'll write about this experience in my memoir. It takes me out of the current stress and I think about how I'll share this with others as a lesson in life. Maybe I'm just fooling my brain into thinking that this is a productive experience, even though it is currently negative. Either way it helps me reset in the midst of the mistake and focus on my future perspective of this moment not the present emotions.

[@avedurham]

Can confirm the "5-15 minutes" trick and the checklist-momentum trick both work. I use both of those all. The. Time. I don't usually do time, though. Usually instead I'll just chunk a big thing into small things and say I can stop after I accomplish some small part of the big thing. For example, if I have a massive load of dishes to handle, I might say, "I'll just do the cups," and then I allow myself to stop. Usually once I do the cups I end up just doing the entire load of dishes, but on the rare occasion that I'm REALLY just not feeling it after I get started, I let myself stop with no guilt. I still got the cups done, which is more than I would've done otherwise!

[@sarahparkerson7579]

Caroline this was so good for me to hear 😭 My current “arena of perfectionism” is picking tiles for my house & I’m bout to go journal bout why I’m so afraid of failing there. But that “arena of perfectionism” concept is SO GOOD. Ridiculous good and thnx 😘