How to stop being an anxious, perfectionist

[@SP-ml3bs]

I am a trophy child. Thanks for putting a name to what I experienced. I am a overachiever and always try to appear perfect because I think people would not like me if they knew the real imperfect me. I definitely feel overly responsible for other people's emotions and try to please them. I isolate some just because this gets so exhausting and I need to be alone to rest and recharge.

[@pavschodyko6531]

❤

[@rakelpeneyambeko]

Bingo 🎯🎯🎯🎯.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for sharing your heart; it’s so brave to acknowledge these feelings, and I want you to know that you are deeply valued just as you are-perfectly imperfect.

[@SP-ml3bs]

@@TheHolisticPsychologist Awe thank you so much, I appreciate the work you do.

[@Myahpd]

I was a trophy child except no one focused on me. They only paid attention at all when I was achieving. I agree totally that I haven't known who I am at all or what my needs are.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

I’m so sorry you felt unseen except for your achievements-it’s incredibly tough to feel invisible in that way, but your worth isn’t tied to what you accomplish; you are deserving of love and attention simply for being you.

[@Myahpd]

@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you for responding! I loved your book how to do the work! I'm a psychotherapist and draw on your work regularly.

[@bridgetbrown8123]

In school, I was good citizen of the year at age 10 , most likely to succeed at 14, 4 year varsity letterman in soccer and basketball in HS. Honor Roll every quarter… and then when i went to a big University, I was totally lost because my performance was truly a performance. Depression and isolation set in along with an eating disorder and risky behavior. I had never learned to understand my own wants needs or preferences . It has been a long journey and my mom and sister still reinforce and resent the person they see as perfect. Well, i am not perfect and actually have felt very broken. It helps me to meet new people with whom i can be a new me who isn’t seen as perfect. It has been a burden and thanks for this video, Nicole❤️✨💫♒️

[@katherineg7030]

I was the trophy child. Constantly expected to be perfect. Honor roll or restriction. Heard things like if you’re not winning you’re losing. Leaving me to feel to this day that I’m not enough in my relationships or work. You were spot on about my lack of ability to hear perfection. I also expect perfection in my relationships& of myself which is why I’m divorced & STILL single.

[@LittleBitOfSunshine4u]

OH. EMM. GEE. I didn't know, but THIS IS IT. I'm crying. This is me. The world has just opened up underneath my feet. I can't un-know this. Now what?

[@Sabadiver]

Work on yourself

[@FilippaSkog]

Three steps in the right direction would be: 1. Therapy, which is always a wonderful thing in these situations. 2. Sit down and figure out where in life you’ve been doing things against your will just to please others or keep up appearances. Stop doing them. If it helps, ask yourself: will it matter to anyone that I said no to this in two years? Most of the time it won’t. 3. Figure out one thing that would give you so much joy to do, not for appearances or anyone else but just for you. Something you’ve never done before, that won’t impress but that your heart desires. Make a point of trying it - sign up for the course, join the group, do the thing. Marvel in enjoying it even though you suck at it. The key to the last point may be found in your childhood. What was something you desired as a kid? Wished you could do but wasn’t allowed? Maybe… ride a horse? Try ceramics? Build a robot? Play the drums?

[@Sabadiver]

@@FilippaSkog so an example. I always loved Motorcycles as a kid. I have one now, very beautiful and I love riding it. That's my medication and meditation 😍

[@novembersky9601]

@@Sabadiverthe WORST thing you can say to a perfectionist!

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

I’m so moved by your words! It sounds like you’ve just had a profound moment of realization, and I’m so proud of you for embracing it. Now that you know, be gentle with yourself as you explore this new path-you’re not alone, and every step you take toward your authentic self is a beautiful act of courage.

[@MD-vb1hq]

I passed the bar exam and gave them their first grandchild in the same year and it still wasn't enough to gain their love and approval. Nothing will because they're not enough. No contact saved my life.

[@sharynbailey4235]

I was the trophy child for my adoptive parents. Didn't find out I was adopted until I was 44 however. I very much relate to all that you mention here but more in a sense of a part of me I've already left behind or am in the process of leaving behind. 'Doing the work' has helped me find my true self and although I sometimes still feel like a newborn deer, I will never stop releasing all that no longer serves me so I can step more into my authentic self. 🙏💖

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Your journey is incredibly powerful, and the courage to uncover and release what no longer serves you is truly inspiring-you're not only discovering your true self but also honoring the beautiful process of healing and growth.

[@Laney_75]

Yep, quite informative. I was raised to be perfect & serve. Severe depression by high school, always pretending to be ok. I have learned so much in why i kept toxic relationships, people pleasing. Now I'm so wirhdrawn. Finding a healthy balance to relationships is hard. Im always worried about failing and then get overwhelmed or fatigued.

[@strangetenderness]

oh man. I always knew I was a perfectionist but didn’t understand why. my parents were abusive to us and each other, and always stressed about everything like the other cheating and not having enough money. I am always keeping busy with so many hobbies, trying to be perfect at them, staying up late and getting little sleep to feel the gratification of succeeding. Then I go to work and pick up the slack of everyone falling behind. Then I come home and try to be the perfect fiance. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, always trying to maintain the perfect body. I can’t sit still. I feel like if I relax, I am wasting time. If I am not accomplishing something, I’m a loser. Lately I have slowed down, and I learned to crochet, so that I can relax on the couch and recuperate, but still have something to show for it. You’re the best Dr. Nicole, thank you for teaching me so much about myself.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

I am so touched by your openness and self-awareness-you’ve been carrying so much weight, and recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing. It’s beautiful that you’ve found a way to relax and nurture yourself through crochet, and I hope you can continue to embrace those moments of rest without guilt. You deserve peace and joy, just as much as you deserve to accomplish things. Keep being kind to yourself-you’re doing amazing, even in the moments when you think you’re not.

[@billd66]

I was a trophy child. My dad was someone who was shut out of going to college and having a successful career. He spent a lifetime in a high stress job that he hated and that wrecked his health. I feel like I was brought into the world so he would have someone to live his unfulfilled dreams for him. As it so happened I was an academic standout. Love and attention from my father were contingent on bringing home straight A's from school, and, later, acceptance to an academic program at a competitive college that would lead to a remunerative STEM career. (I think he might have also accepted something like law or politics, if my interests had leaned that way.) Anything like hobbies or leisure interests that weren't in furtherance of that goal were a waste of time and money. (The one thing I was "allowed" was recreational fiction reading. His thing was police-procedural murder mysteries and mine was science fiction.) I finally hit academic burnout my sophomore year of college and dropped out after my first semester junior year. I never finished my degree. As someone who's "good with computers" I've managed to make a living at that, but have not achieved the dreams of success that any parent might have for their child.

[@janswimwild]

I was my father’s trophy child and my mother’s scapegoat and parentified by both. It took me until my early 60s to start unravelling my history and traits. Until then I was enveloped in a bubble of cognitive dissonance and dissociation. Waking up fills the lungs with icy cold fresh air and is bracing and wonderful as well as painful. I knew it was much better than the alternative! It’s never too late.

[@thetruemm]

My godness! I can't believe I finally have a name for what I've been experiencing through my all childhood😮 thank you, you really help me🙏❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful this was supportive for you!

[@AnalysisSimplified]

Thank you for creating a high quality content which has no bullshit in it and is on point! ❤ This was amazing and helped me introspect within myself.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So grateful this video could be of support for you. ❤

[@tatjanachevchenkova6668]

Return home... to who you actually are. Wow. Thank you for this!

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for sharing your resonance and for being here ❤

[@Sabadiver]

Motorbikes is a passion for me, follow the desires that work for you!

[@GhANeC]

I watched this, almost in a 3rd person state, emotionless but listening and trying to learn from it… until this part 9:23 … i suddenly balled and that made me realise a lot… and felt a lot of gratitude towards you

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share your experience as you discovered this new awareness. Sending lots of love and gratitude right back to you ❤

[@madsquidman6570]

Omg! It's me! Thank you. Always exhausted by "doing" and always needing acknowledgement of that. I joking tell my partner "I'm a good boy, give me pats", like I'm a good dog I guess, needing a pat and a treat. 🙏❤️

[@universaltruth2025]

Even if it's a joke, I would stop saying that.

[@madsquidman6570]

@universaltruth2025 Thank you. It really is done tongue in cheek as an acknowledgement of my self-awareness of this behaviour. It allows me to see this and make positive changes through that awareness. I really appreciate your comment. Much love.🙏❤️

[@jennw6809]

You described my sister and my dad perfectly (I was scapegoat).

[@SnazzyZee]

I was a strange mix of trophy and escape goat child someone to just dump all the 💩 on

[@HotRodHarley06]

Resonates on so many levels! Thank you! ❤️

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So grateful you're resonating with this video. Thank YOU for being here ❤

[@queeenabove1825]

Wow… so informative I burnout and turn to heavy substance use to cope Thank you for your videos 🙏🏼❤️

[@Darwin973]

Very clear, concise and easy to understand. Thank you for posting your valuable insight.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for being here❤

[@danielposavec7215]

Such an amazing yet succint video! Thank you so much ❤

[@paulagalan7105]

Thank you so much for this video and your comforting words❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So grateful this video was comforting for you. Thank you for being here and sharing.

[@Emerald-1226]

I started to feel this way until my brothers passing. He did so much for others and exhausted himself serving his purpose which was a life well lived. I now see our journey in life is service to others such as Jesus example is the key. As exhaustive as it is, it is our life's purpose. Being a trophy child is a natural gift. We just need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of others and not wear ourselves thin to where we lose the joy in it.

[@NEMBL013]

Being forced to a spiritual awakening and directed to fall in love with and be with a man who is a mama’s I’d spend my life cleaning up after for the rest of my life like I was his own mama cause he’s to lazy to walk the garbage can 9 feet away. I remember my mom and I talked about me having a kid and she was like and we will put them in hockey cause *I* wanna see them play. And I said no, they’ll dothe extra curricular activities they want. And she was just silent. I already knew I was a trophy myself but I didn’t have a term to describe it. I had a grandma who was overbearing (it’s a Ukrainian thing I think),- always made to wear dresses even though I wanted to run around and play in the dirt and then I had a mother who wanted to control what I’d achieve meanwhile I was out playing late into the night with no concern for my wellbeing.

[@iamchinny3]

Growing up as the "Trophy Child" is ruining my life. I was always the 'smart one', the 'high achiever'. Getting perfect grades, getting awards, getting a top degree from a top university etc. It has made me so empty and hollow. I have been existing in a state of paralysis, anxiety and arrested development for the past few years. I have no idea who I am or what to do with my life. My parents are emotionally unsupportive and embarrassed of me. I know I need to step up and just parent myself - what do you enjoy doing? what kind of roles would suit you etc? It's so hard, I've isolated from my friends because I am so embarrassed. I just feel so left behind and childish.

[@janenuss6]

Man this one hit home … I’m SO TIRED

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Sending you a lot of love❤

[@katetomlinson1638]

You are an angel In Disguise

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Aw, thank you for your sweet words. ❤

[@evelinerodrigues5814]

Can we be a mix of personified daughter and trophy child?

[@NSEasternShoreChemist]

Hmm, this could be why I felt so much shame when I accidentally drove my car into snow that was deeper than it looked and it got stuck. I definitely have some perfectionism issues in other parts of my life too largely due to a lack of trust.

[@matthewnels]

After viewing this video, I think I fall into this category. I always feel profound pressure to show up perfect in my emotional responses, and stay perfectly calm, even if the person I'm with is totally losing their mind on me. The dysregulation always hits me hours or even days later, and is the worst pain I've ever experienced.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for sharing this powerful awareness you've discovered for yourself.

[@beatrizlopezgutierrez9107]

Gracias❤️

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

You're welcome!

[@Illest_sky]

What do we do after the relationship inventory? Im still unclear on the point of those questions ….

[@navideology]

❤️

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

❤

[@kary1313]

❤🫂🩷

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

❤ Sending love