7 Strategies To Stop Being So Defensive - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Let me know below- how defensive are you? Which strategies would you like to try? Remember to download your free guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide

[@bhamidipatisrinivas1551]

You are God sent literally.

[@feliciasmith4002]

Hi I am candy I just started to watch ur videos and I like them a lot. Just want to say hi and that I am candy

[@kasmodean9355]

I am not defensive in my professional life. However, I get very defensive with my significant other when they tell me I did things that I did not. I am pretty good at accepting feedback if I did do something wrong and I apologize. But when they get upset, they say exaggerated things or things that are outright incorrect. I noticed that this happens most often when she is having her period. How do I continue the conversation based on a premise that isn't correct? I tried to neither agree or disagree with the statement by not answering her follow up question, but she thinks I am stonewalling her when I try that. Do I say nothing and apologize and let that person think that I agree that I did something wrong when I didn't? Won't this build up over time and cause issues in of itself if my significant other thinks I am always messing up and I don't disagree?

[@najjuukosumayiye6581]

Am Sumayiya

[@mailman248]

@@terri_cole I used to get defensive, but know I just own what I have done. I now know that it's not the end of the world and that no one is perfect.

[@IM-uh5tk]

If you don't have much time, here's a video summary: 1. Move from reacting to asking questions. Get feedback. Take it as a growth opportunity. Listen with an open mind. Don't go into fight or flight. 2. Raise your self-esteem. 3. Have boundaries. 4. Don't let people whose opinion you don't respect give you critical feedback. Don't worry about what everyone thinks about you. 5. Practice mindfulness. Medidate to create space between the thought and action.

[@smarielynn8420]

Thank you🙏

[@othmane-mezian]

Much gratitude from Morocco

[@MeniezMziki]

Thank you

[@paulaholder9292]

Thanks Terri 😊. This information couples well with your “Father Wound” course. I am working my way through that and now see defensiveness as a pattern from childhood. I am more free each day ♥️.

[@humansfirst731]

Thank you for this useful summary! 🙏🏻

[@karynwebster6384]

I had to step away from a relationship because of this. I couldn't have any conversations with the person because they instantly jumped to "war", blame, and I was wrong. Communicating was near impossible, it was exhausting.

[@terri_cole]

That does sound exhausting, Karyn ❤️

[@nylaskye]

Karyn I totally understand what you’re saying which is why I sought out this video. I love my man but I feel like his defensiveness is going to make our new relationship hard and ruin it. Everything is blown out of proportion and exaggerated. He tells me I said things I did not say and misinterprets my words even when I’m being intentional about choosing them as to not cause offense. It’s draining and counterproductive. I am going to request and actually be firm about it that I’d like him to watch her videos on the subject if our relationship is to thrive.

[@karynwebster6384]

@nylaskye I finally suggested and then asked to go to couples counseling, he said no. I finally said, "That's ok if you don't want to go, but I'm going to go." He said he thought that was a good idea. I then said, " I'm going to do it for 6 months, and after the 6 months, I let you know if I'm going to stay in the relationship or leave." He had very little to say after that, and over those 6 months, he made very little attempt to engage with me. In fact, he became very disengaged and avoidant. After 6 months, I decided to leave. He said he thought that was a good idea. I wasn't in a position to leave for a couple of months. During those months, I packed up and figured out my plan, during which he loved bombed me the entire time and was never defensive. It was so hard, but why change once he knew I was leaving? He could have been doing that the whole time but chose not to. It wasn't a healthy situation for either of us, so I left. Not to take away from Teri, she's awesome! But maybe add to your videos to watch JimmyonRelationships.

[@kate9653]

“Listen with the intent of learning” excellent.

[@jayleenlinn]

It crushed me when you said being defensive is the arch enemy of connection and intimacy; because it's so true. I always masked being defensive with saying I'm just really sensitive. It's so true when you said people won't want to open up or even say anything to you. It really has left me in a lonely bubble. I have written down extensive notes. & I'm aware and want to change. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and takeaways ❤️ I am cheering you on!

[@WilliamRaynes]

You got this! 🎉

[@mirelladlima5278]

I am defensive when I try to protect my ego and I realise I need to be humble and accept correction especially when it comes from a loving person 🙏

[@msrosie420]

being defensive is my greatest flaw and my greatest challenge I have yet to overcome. I don't know how to avoid it sometimes because it's become so second nature to me. thank you for this video. I'm trying my best to work on this.

[@terri_cole]

I see you, and you are not alone ❤️

[@forgesoulfire1320]

Overly guarding ones self out of some fear of harm, after multiple decades of trauma survival, needless to say can make the kindest seem ferallly vicious...

[@msrosie420]

@@forgesoulfire1320 you're not wrong!!

[@traceepenn5904]

This is me. I have been so defensive in my relationships. It's so challenging to overcome this. I started watching all videos on how to communicate effectively. I'm on elthe verge of losing my boyfriend right now because of arguments of me constantly being defensive 😢😢it hurts so bad. I'm working on it

[@MissHHarmony]

I’m in the same situation ladies. I always prided myself on having really good communication, being an easy person to talk to, and having done so much personal growth. Now I’m realizing that that’s not totally the case and working through it. I also on the verge of losing my boyfriend because of it.

[@eottoe2001]

8. Stay away from insensitive people.

[@monaj33]

Yup

[@ChelseaTraille1]

A lot of times people are apathetic, bc to feel will open up too much pain for them 🥹

[@Christopher.W]

Good luck with THAT

[@crystallatta8770]

​@Christopher.W Right, lol...sometimes we can't avoid everything

[@njah1590]

The Power is in our internal response

[@camronmurillo2426]

You got me with that using sarcasm as a defensive tactic to protect my ego! Its too late to convince my partner to stay but never too late to change!

[@terri_cole]

You're so right that it's never too late to change, especially because you're changing for yourself- not your partner 💕

[@alexislapuz687]

15:05 1st Fav Line ☆Choosing to take critcal feedback from people you respect (people you care about & people that truly care about you) make it easier knowing it comes from a loving source (& Boundaries from people you dont care about or opinions dont value)

[@jessicaroberts8090]

The truth needs no defense. I'm a true, authentic person with no reason to be defensive. Thank you, you're a bombshell boundary boss!

[@normalandaverde7763]

Love your comment. So true

[@AUAsdaughter]

If I wasn't at work, I'd be slobber crying. This is my kryptonite. It has ruined my life. I will subscribe and begin my journey to change. To know someone can explain and teach how to stop this! This is a blessing.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️❤️

[@AUAsdaughter]

@@terri_cole thank you so so so much. That's awesome to hear from someone who was exactly like me!!! 😭 If you can do this I can too. It's just amazing to find my "how do I do this?"And have a knowing that I can do this!.

[@terri_cole]

You can absolutely do it and I am cheering you on ❤️

[@HealingwithRose]

Being defensive is my biggest downfall…it’s now become an unconscious behavior when it’s happening but once everything is said and done I realize how defensive I was being and I feel crappy and apologetic but the damage is done….but how do you fight not being defensive with another defensive judgmental person? Knowing how conversations always go with certain people in my life it automatically triggers it when a conversation is needed to be had…But I want to stop that behavior I’m to old and a women to still come off aggressive and masculine🫣😢🥺

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like you know who triggers this defensiveness in you. With that knowledge, you can become aware in the moment and change the dance. You can choose to respond differently. It's really, really hard, but also worthwhile. You can also try and set a boundary- let this person know you want to have more constructive conversations. Take responsibility for your defensiveness in the past/the role you've played in past interactions. You can also tell them if things get too heated, you will walk away to cool down and preserve the relationship. (Basically, you're walking away because you care- not because you're trying to punish them.) In the moment, you can say something like, "I let you know I would walk away when things got too heated and they're going that way. Let's try a different approach." And if they don't budge, "Okay, I am going to walk away from this conversation now to cool down. Let's resume this conversation in ... hours/days." For yourself, you can also ask the 3 Qs for clarity when it comes to the specific people you find yourself getting defensive with: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) Why or how is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? These questions may give you some clarity on what is activating you. Again, knowledge is power because when you're aware, you can change it. ❤️ Last tip- you can try rehearsing what you want to say before you have the conversation. If you'd rather deliver it with more softness and love, record yourself saying what you want to say and listen back to it. Make tweaks. Practice in front of a mirror. Try some breath work to get into a calmer state. Say what you need to say with a smile. And be gentle on yourself- this new way of communicating might take a while to feel comfortable with. I hope some of these tips help!

[@HealingwithRose]

@@terri_cole thank you, your channel is amazing glad I found it✨✨

[@dawnmertz8303]

I realize now that I have been defensive in some relationships. My upbringing was shaming and blaming and being punished or shamed for even the smallest mistakes. I remember being ranted at for a 3 hours car ride for just saying that awful word "jock" in a conversation with a guy my age that my mother was apparently eavesdropping on. "No lady uses that word and what will other people think about us that you're using that word!" My father just drove and let it go on and on. I was 14. I remember thinking then. As soon as I could that I was going to move out, and get away from them.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced that in childhood, Dawn ❤️ It makes sense that you'd be defensive (it is human!).

[@IwaanuhReel]

I totally understand. My mother likes to tell me to let it go...but HOW we were raised our upbringing directly correlates with who we ARE as adults.

[@kellylliam]

you are amazing... clear, concise, kind, knowledgeable, I just love your podcasts! I asked my therapist a few years ago to point me in the direction to someone that explains co-dependency/narcissistic abuse... you came up and Dr Ramani. Oooh to hear you two chat would be out of this world. Thank you sooo much. You will never know how much you have helped me. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Kelly 💕 So glad to have you in my crew!

[@Yulsysan198]

I was very defensive, willing to blame others for the mistake as a way to be safe and feeling me intelligent 😅, avoiding to feel vulnerability

[@terri_cole]

That makes so much sense, thank you for sharing 💕

[@JasonGarmey]

Terri you've helped me understand myself so much, I can't thank you enough ❤

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad to hear my work has helped you, Jason ❤️

[@JasonGarmey]

@terri_cole it's helping so much ,I've got a long way to go yet x

[@chez-roybirchwood5617]

Good presentation. I will add doing practice by role playing non-defensive responses.

[@terri_cole]

Yes, role-playing with a trustworthy pal can be great! Thanks for adding that.

[@ghadaiskander8261]

I had a good childhood and my parents were not critical . However after being married with a covert narcissistic husband who was always antagonistic, I became very ver defensive until I learned about his problem that I stopped being defensive and I had to work hard at it after 25 years of being in this relationships not knowing what I’m dealing with . Thanks for your session you are amazing !!

[@terri_cole]

That is so difficult to deal with ❤️ Thank you for sharing your experience here.

[@EGLEZILINSKIENE]

❤ Thank you Terri , love this podcast and it reminded me the way I use to be when was young.Until one day someone said something similar as your boss did. Then I started questioning myself and worked on it Now I see it in my daughter ( she loved your book “ boundary boss” by the way ). I brought her attention to that and she was defensive about being defensive ..but..we are working together and I can say everything is going right direction.

[@terri_cole]

What an amazing shift 💕 Way to go both of you!

[@mirrellewalkerthompson704]

After a very emotional month with my partner, and a really hard noght yesterday, today we had a conversation because i felt inspired to ask him a few questions about his opinion on the relationship. The question that started the main discussion was, "When was the last time you felt lie you couldn't talk to me? Why?" Realized that i do not respect him enough and am too defensive. He is an absolute saint with patience with me, and i honestly am beyond greatful. I have a lot to work on and found your channel. Im hoping i can find what i need here.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ That is a great question to ask to open discussion around the topic.

[@EileenRedmond-e3d]

As per usual you hit the nail on the head!! No one wants to share truths with a defensive person!! Thank you

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@debrahickman5870]

Hello Terry I truly appreciate this video. I'm going to really work on being defensive. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome!

[@michaelhicks6329]

You are such an amazing communicator! Your compassion and empathy is lovely!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much 💕

[@catloverKD]

I'm trying to get promoted at work, my manager is one of those rare, amazing people and he thinks my fear of failure and inability to take criticism, is holding me back. The good news is, I know exactly where it comes from; the bad news is that it's not an easy or quick fix. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to the tone, regardless of what is said, or who is saying it. The concepts of mistakes not making me a horrible person, and that someone is giving it because they care enough to want to help, and not destroy me are completely foreign to me.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ It sounds like there might be something to journal about there- why do you think mistakes automatically mean you are a horrible person? When you think of "someone is giving it because they care enough to want to help and not destroy me," where does this belief come from? If you had experiences that taught you this in the past, it can be helpful to shine a light on them and remember that then is not now. (If these are traumatic memories, I suggest getting the help of a therapist to guide you through it. ❤️) Or, if it's possible, gather evidence of when coworkers have given you suggestions because they care. Your manager sounds like a good example of that. I have some other prompts in the guide for this episode that may be helpful, too: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide/

[@lailasalli8743]

I can't wait for your workbook I pre-ordered! I wish I could have an hour long talk with you! Thanks for all your wisdom and advice..❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you ❤️❤️

[@lindagross1288]

Wow! Terri you discussed another great topic for me to learn. I am getting better at not being defensive. I am setting boundaries which helps me. I need to stay calm and react in a healthy way - not nasty not yelling, not answering in a negative tone. Thank you - - I will try to listen and learn.

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Linda!

[@mariannenapoles146]

I just got my ah ha moment. I’ll be back here to this channel. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear that, Marianne ❤️

[@lelalila9860]

I'm recognise that behaviour on my relationship, so late unfortunately, on my 35-40th .. it's take me a lot to get rid of it but I finally succeeded and started to grow much more and faster. Thank you for your video lessons, best regards from Serbia ❤❤

[@terri_cole]

Way to go!! ❤️

[@luevondataylor6286]

Thank you for this teaching I need this and I passed it on so we may have healthy communication and conflict when it rises

[@terri_cole]

Thank you 💕

[@danniella1270]

Thank you for all your work!! I have had issues in the past with being defensive. I found it happened the most when someone triggered me with some of my trauma issues. Looking back and after working on this, i realize that i was so worried about other people and what they thought that I lost myself and wasnt worried about how i was feeling. Love your books, thank you again. Blessings from Spain 💜

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, Daniella ❤️ So glad this was helpful!

[@Hairtohustle]

You’ve really opened my eyes to my behavior, and I really needed this in order to save my relationship. New subbie for sure!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️

[@phemery1182]

Thank you for all you do, you make my life better🙏❤️

[@terri_cole]

Thank YOU for being here and watching! 💕

[@othmane-mezian]

Much gratitude from Morocco Dr COLE

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@dianapaloma3102]

I really like listening to you. Thank you 🙏❤️

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@mightyg6383]

Thank you, Terri. I am in a rocky relationship that is hopefully on its way back to success. I am grateful for your videos. I gather so much from them and am using the beneficial information you offer every day. Thank you again

[@terri_cole]

I am so happy to hear it ❤️❤️

[@DJAmir76]

Here i find the truth no wise woman is fool to like someone who is not into her. She wont take this risk. Wise woman got special senses. A child man worries about devilish women. Women dont risk their life for someone who is not into her. This is deep truth. Western women are much mature bcoz they understand relationship with it's true meaning. You are so on point 🎯 Grilling roasting is just time pass not a good deal. Bless you for this eye opener log 👏🏽

[@Dark_WolFeather]

You are so spot on about so many things. Thank you kindly for your help. It truly will help me in my new Journey 😊

[@terri_cole]

Why thanks 💕 Glad to know my content is helpful!

[@edwardcarter6408]

Awesome and wonderful teaching ad very insightful. Thanks for sharing.

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was insightful! 💕

[@coachsaritadmello]

Thank you Terri. I love the work you are doing. I am learning so much from you. ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad to hear it ❤️

[@loganschockelt]

Such a beautiful video. I can relate so much. I too love sincere criticism now and its so freeing! I am hoping this video will help one of my friends achieve this mentality. Everyone deserves to see the world like that!

[@ErnieLeblanc]

This lady is generously providing Helpful information.🇺🇲💥💯🎯💯💥🇺🇲

[@alexislapuz687]

18:04 2nd Fav Line ☆Dont be open to hear to some people. Not because defensive, but because discerning -> Can't worry what everyone thinks. -Only people that love you, respect, and trust really listen with intent of LEARNING when giving critical feedback :)

[@humbleviewpoint]

Thank you for making this your mission. You could just keep this wisdom to yourself and there are reasons why someone like you might not take the time and the potential risk associated with bringing these insights to the world. This video was head and shoulders above the normal KZbin standard in its content and persuasion. Because I teach personal development, I am a little jaded and possibly harder to impress than some who are just starting on the journey. I rarely have as many a-ha moments as I experienced as I listened to you talk. Sincerely, you are so valuable to your audience. Although I have only seen one video, I look forward to bingeing on your collection, sensing that I will discover more gems.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment ❤️

[@StephanieVella-xj5hc]

Thanks Terri. This was super hopeful.... this is a dynamic that is extremely present in my native family. Much appreciated!

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

Just finished reading The Boundary Boss. Great book with keen insights. Will get the workbook next.Thanks so much Teri.

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear you enjoyed Boundary Boss ❤️ I hope you find the workbook helpful!

[@GHCfitness]

This is a flaw I have, and affecting my current relationship. I struggle with not getting defensive when confronted with things

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear it's something you're struggling with. ❤️ Can I ask, do you believe your partner is approaching you in a way where you can receive what they're saying? Or are they approaching you harshly? I have a video about that here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eHWvfXqMeLiooqc It's more for the other party on how to approach a defensive partner, but the reason I ask is because both parties need to be committed to effective communication. Bringing up issues in the relationship is important, but it's also important to be considerate. ❤️

[@GHCfitness]

@terri_cole sometimes I would approach my partner on things that are bothering me, then when they say how they feel I get defensive over certain things and seem to always have an excuse as to why. I don't know why I'm this way

[@terri_cole]

A few things things- 1) how are you approaching your partner? What tone of voice are you using? Are *they* getting defensive in response to what you're saying? 2) Is your partner hearing you, understanding you, and reflecting back to you what they heard, before saying how they feel? Do you feel heard at all? 3) What outcome are you looking for when you share these things with your partner, and have you/can you communicate that to them? The reframe I try to offer my clients is to shift the focus from being "us against each other" to "us against the problem." For example, instead of someone saying, "It makes me so mad when I come home and you immediately start complaining about work," say, "Hey, I love you and I want to support you and hear about your day, but I need 20 minutes for myself to decompress from my own workday. Once I've recharged, I'm all ears for you." It also helps to establish fair fighting rules (which I go into in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fZPFXomFjct5iM0) during a neutral time to make fights "cleaner" and less prone to saying things that might activate defensiveness. Lastly, I have questions in the guide for this episode that might help shed light on why you're defensive: www.terricole.com/7-strategies-to-stop-being-defensive-guide

[@MonstrosityMuse]

I am immensly grateful for you, came across you a couple of years ago on the women of impact channel. And took my first deep dive into your stuff then. I have defaulted back to your content these past couple of years on my worst days. I have cptsd and have spent the last 5 years studying and healing to combat being frozen in hell. I am part of a cptsd community (traumatized motherfxckers) where we have a podcast and online support group and I have shared your definitions with the community frequently. Thank you for all you do, and if the weekly live streams are going to become a regular thing I will fersure aim to integrate it into my routine.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for your support and sharing my content 💕 I so appreciate it, and you! (And I'll be back on WOI soon!!)

[@MonstrosityMuse]

@@terri_cole WOI?

[@terri_cole]

Women of Impact- sorry, just saw this now xo

[@FatimaEstrela80]

New sub. Thank you for all of your knowledge and help ❤️

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for subscribing and watching 💕

[@newhorizonsforfifty2833]

I liked when you said "Now is not then." I have a person or two in my life who can be varying degrees of defensive, and with one of them, it always reminds them of what something their parents did. Past is prologue, not a recap.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing ❤️ I'm glad that helped!

[@mailman248]

My wife is soooooo defensive. I have learned what happened in her childhood to cause it, but she doesn't want to look at her past to see why shes being that way. It definitely has an affect on being truly connected to her and it is making me sooo unhappy to be in this marriage. It feel like i cannot express how i truly feel. I sometimes wonder does she get defensive if her boss tells her something.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@iknowwhatyoudidlastsummer4k]

My mom was the same way , once my siblings and grand children told how it's affecting communication in relationship. She now is trying to change, but the key is she wants to change. Also, she had a bad childhood trauma that led to her being the way she is

[@ashleygeiger5101]

Self numbing is a BIG one. I know I do that. Not by drugs or alcohol but I try to drown myself out of my thoughts since I tend to think a thousand thoughts at once. My girlfriend knows she is co dependent and says it but she hasn't really been getting better. It's been getting worse every time we watch videos that are educational. It gets used against me in the same words which are not words she typically uses. Everything has always been about her. I don't mind trying to be the best I can be for her but I can't fix it by myself and I'm getting exhausted in every way. I've been finally snapping with anger when I get overwhelmed due to asking my girlfriend to stop whatever it is that is making my chest combust. She always ALWAYS has to finish what she is saying which is something usually against my character. I've told her there is a pattern. I don't just get mad out of no where and I have a LOT of patience. I even bought a punching bag but she follows me still talking. I haven't been myself. My whole life that I knew is gone

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

More wonderful Valuable, insightful information!!! ❤😌🤗

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

Also, i just have to tell you, Terri.. I just finished reading the chapter titled Boundary Destroyer’s… and i had to stop and hug the book and cry and whisper (to you) thank you 🙏☺️❣️ you obviously understand & I thank you for that.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@Monipenny1000]

Good timing for this video. I'm playing this on my porch with coffee. My husband who really needs to hear this just arrived with his coffee. He habitually gets defensive and did so while I was on the phone with a representitive to get an address that wasn't on the life insurance bill. The phone was on speaker, he came in to make his lunch and could hear the conversation. He knows I am hard of hearing AND the representative had an accent. After the second time he loudly closed the fridge door, I asked him to stop slamming around. He sneered at me, "You're always accusing me of things, I'm not slamming around!" He didn't last long out here, he left within a few minutes into this video. No wonder we have problems aside from his OCPD. I didn't know there was a name for his personality until last December.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you're experiencing this dynamic 💕 That sounds difficult.

[@Monipenny1000]

@@terri_cole thank you, I appreciate your kindness. And thank you for these video's on boundaries.

[@neiceystauffer9085]

may i ask what ocpd is? ty kindly ❤

[@neiceystauffer9085]

kinda sounds like mine 🫤 i’m really trying to do lots of inner work and try to be very discerning as to if i am not handling things correctly..it almost feels to me (because mine behaves a lot like yours) like i not not being directly focused on him that he reverts to a child again ..soo much to learn ❤

[@Monipenny1000]

@@neiceystauffer9085 Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, it is not OCD and has nothing to do with OCD, look up the traits for it. A year and a half ago, I shared with my therapist that my husband has OCPD, she said, "that's a difficult personality to live with." It really is.

[@RnW9384]

Terri, Hi Rose here. In 2020 I had a stroke. About 2 months ago I had a cardiac arrest. I'm angry n often lash out at my husband of 47 years. He is learning from your videos. ❤ Rose 🌹

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@kate9653]

I appreciate the tip on discernment.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome- I've got a whole episode coming up about that in a few weeks! 💕

[@kayucci1111]

Thank you for all the work you’re doing ❤ it is helping me so much to unravel my life and has been integral in helping me find myself for the first time in my life. Which in turn, is helping me become a better daughter, sister, mother, and overall person. You are so appreciated!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@1986SHANEL]

This video helps a lot. Thank you ❤

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear it 💕

[@lynnh.8277]

Wonder positive educational talk. I am buying the book asap! Thanks for helping all of us that never knew about Boundaries ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much ❤️❤️

[@IM-uh5tk]

Amazing video! Thank you ❤

[@tombkreeper3]

I'm needing this more as I get a bit older. I was in the Marines at 18. Only child, weird, kind of isolated. Any single mistake in the military, any shortcoming, was met with hazing, screams, physical violence, etc. My response to criticism used to be to freeze and simply take my verbal lashings and go about my way. As a person that operates in a regular society now with people whom I love all around me, I never learned any other method of taking criticism, so I just default to defensiveness because Im afraid. Im afraid because the people asking to work on my shortcomings and mistakes are people that I love, and I want to do anything I can to keep them from being what my superiors in the military were to me (simply put, they were demons). My automatic response to criticism for the longest time since getting out was defensiveness and making sure I was the one that was right and that I was never wrong, because being wrong meant that they had cause to be demons to me as well. It's been difficult to move away from that. It already cost me one relationship. Im glad I can work a bit more towards being a good man with videos like these.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us. That sounds like such a difficult situation and it makes sense why you feel afraid. If therapy is accessible to you, have you considered unpacking this with a professional? Especially the belief that being wrong means your loved ones have cause to be demons to you. Otherwise, if you have emotionally trustworthy folks in your circle, you could try sharing that you get defensive because you're afraid. It may help them understand where you're coming from and gives you both something to work on and toward (compassion!). ❤️

[@GlazedBunny]

When Terri said "If you recognize yourself in any of those" I just paused stared at my keyboard and thought, any? I recognize all of those behaviors or actions in me...

[@Shaheen_Odushlu]

Thank you so much for this amazing content ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@Ackermoon13]

I am sooo happy that I found your channel! I had no idea that I have been defensive, especially to authority figures! Especially my manager.. I am neurodivergent (ADHD and Autism spektrum) and have bordeline and GAD. So least to say I can be very sensitive towards others, esoecially if I experience that I have done something wrong, someone is accusing me or/and humiliate me in front of others by calling me out or being in general an asshole... I have been so affraid of going to work for this reason.. I get so anxious and sad only when I think about my manager, becasue she always have something to say to me.. Feels like I never do anyhting right and making me feel worthless.. Your videos has however made me thinking about myself and my own behaviour. Not saying that what some authority figures in my life has not being assholes, because they have, (not to be defensive really! It's just that I hate rude people). But, I think I have stopped seeing who really wants me harm, and who really just wants me to listen! I think in my managers case, even though she can be unpredictable from times, (some people have feelt her being harsh and sometime mean too), but that is often because of stressful situations that happens because we have a stressfull job. I try to see it from her perspective as well. She has been clear that is nothing personal, even if it sometime really feels that way. And is as you say, that thanks to how we behave and communicate towards each other, it can create a bad sycle between the two of us, because I am defensive. With that being said, I believe that I myself maybe have stopped seeing the difference between someone actually being an ass, and someone who just wants to give critisism. In my mind they are the same! And it's bad because then I can't see the actual truth in situations, and not able to separate the two! I hope I be able to learn. I think my defensiveness really steams from childhood and also stupid people in adulthood. I was such a people pleaser and never stood up for myself whenever people did me wrong, and felt embarrassed in many situations because of bullies... So today I feel the need to defend myself from every threat.. From my perspective also, I feel that people are more capable of being nice and less harsh, to the point that they start sounding mean., Because I don't always get defensive, only if I feel someone sounding like an ass.. But don't like to be bossed around either, not that I think anyone does, but I have just such bad trauma from previous work places that really took advantage of me in the past. And now I feel that most places and people just wants to use me and filling up their own egos by being bossy because they can.. I have never realized if im being delusional to a degree! Thank you again for your very insightful videos! It really is starting to change my life and I realize I have sooo much work to do on myself (not that I didn't know that already, but now I've detected another huge issue of mine that has been hurting me and others too!) Thank you! And sorry for the long text xD it has been feeling kinda therapeutic to write it all xD

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad this was helpful and resonated with you ❤️ It can make complete sense why we are defensive. Self-awareness (which you have!) helps bring on change. I am cheering you on!

[@fenixrise1272]

I got your book and absolutely love it. Thank you for your advice! ❤

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you loved Boundary Boss, thank you for letting me know ❤️

[@fatimaezzahrasifallah4003]

Thank you for this wonderful video

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for being here!

[@darrenfortuin7977]

Thank you Terry for your amazing work! I have been going through the most especially my struggle regarding my same sex sexuality. The world is cruel out there however thanks to your advice and guidance I am starting to build my confidence and self-esteem step-by-step. Thank you 😊

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and I'm glad my work is helping you build your confidence and self-esteem 💕

[@AussieERS]

Great video! Any tips for avoiding defensiveness when a staff member is undermining you or accusing you of something you didn't do?

[@terri_cole]

I think it depends on if that staff member works for you or if you work for them or if you are coworkers. If you are coworkers and they are accusing you behind your back to others- I would not do anything until and unless they say it to your face. Responding to rumors is not empowering. If it is an ongoing situation, I would consider talking to your Human Resources department. I hope it resolves soon ❤️

[@rootsiebee]

Excellent post! Is there a healthy way to defend?

[@terri_cole]

I think boundaries can be a great way to express our needs, preferences, and desires ❤️

[@seastarsophia]

I needed this one 👏🏼👏🏼

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated ❤️

[@gracieallan4124]

Most helpful takeaway for me: you don’t have to receive criticism from people whose opinions you don’t respect Obvious now that you said it, but for some reason that simple truth had eluded me Freedom!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@RuthIsrael]

Listen to Learn

[@snorkle5041]

What a beautiful soul Terri is. So easy to listen to, not patronizing and hugely insightful. ThNk you, from NZ ❤🎉

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you ❤️❤️

[@dianasleiman2893]

Thank you

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@nadiadavids3340]

Thank you, your words have made a big impact on my life , 🎉❤

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for letting me know and for being here ❤️

[@bushwhacked8270]

How can you practice not being defensive even if the criticism isn’t being brought to you kindly? I don’t have problems receiving someone’s feelings but only if they bring it with calm kindness. When they are unregulated or say it with a hint of shame or cruelty then I immediately feel defensive.

[@terri_cole]

Unkind feedback can be difficult for anyone to receive. ❤️ You can try saying, calmly (as best as you can), "Please do not speak to me that way. I am happy to listen to your concerns if you don't yell/call me names while doing so/etc. If you continue to yell or call me names, I will leave." Set a boundary! If they can't handle that, then just reiterate, "I am open to speaking about this when we're both in a calmer state" and leave. (If you can.) If you think your reaction is amplified (as in, not "normal" or not proportionate to their attitude), you can also try to see if this is reminding you of a past injury with the 3 Qs for clarity: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? 3) How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? For example, perhaps you had a really punitive parental figure and someone offering criticism in a rougher way reminds you of them. It's like our present interactions are actually fueled by past injuries. If this is the case, we want to work on healing those original injuries first by exploring them and journaling about them. Eventually, it's great if we can get to a place where we can stay in the present and observe what is happening from a neutral perspective. "Oh wow, this person seems kind of angry and they're activating me. Oh, I know why. Now is not then." I hope that helps ❤️

[@emiledb]

This was really well put together.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks!

[@lisabrown8516]

@terri_cole thank you so much for these videos...I see myself in all you shared and glad I found this...I was asked to research stuff and in doing so daily it sure has shown me a great deal about myself and why I felt the way I did, why I put walls up to the man I Love and enjoyed the comfort I felt yet was afraid to actually speak...Now it is clearer...

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Lisa ❤️ I'm glad you found my videos helpful, and just know that you're not alone. I used to put up walls and was so afraid of being vulnerable with others. You can change and I am cheering you on ❤️

[@Angell_Lee]

Thank you so much love! ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@khari8713]

This is a very difficult topic for me as i am in a long term relationship with someone that is very defensive. His response regarding his defensiveness is that this is the person he is deal with it. He doesn't think there is anything to change about this behavior. I'm so frustrated. His defensiveness hurts so much.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your frustration and hurt ❤️

[@nellyngugi8381]

Great vedio

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@midwestern.berner39]

I am so guilty of being defensive and is absolutely out of fear. Im afraid of being diminished and treated as unworthy because I made a mistake. I dont want to be humiliated by someone for trying my best. Its such an ugly feeling and I hate it. I dont want to destroy good relationships out of fear.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ What you said makes so much sense. Where do you think this comes from? Is there a situation you can remember from your childhood where someone made you feel unworthy because you made a mistake? Might be something to explore via journaling.

[@meichen9677]

Thank you for this awesome break down of cause and cure for defensiveness. Do you think there's truth to the statement "if you spot it, you got it" and when someone is calling me out on my defensiveness, do you think they also have unawareness of their own defensiveness? Or is it just the person being called out that needs to do the work?

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome! I'm not sure I have enough info to answer your question. It's possible the person calling you out is also defensive and unaware of it. What matters more is how you feel about the situation and the person in question. If they're only ever criticizing you, then maybe you need to have a talk about the way they're treating you! As far as "if you spot it, you got it," I have an episode on projection here that might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y4G1daCOlrCig5o

[@meichen9677]

@@terri_cole thank you for answering my questions and recommending additional resources! 🙏🏼💖

[@kaali.dhwani]

Thank you so much.. ❤

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome! 💕

[@juliediloreto2602]

This was exactly what I needed

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful for you Julie 💕

[@BrandonConfer]

Hi I'm new to this video but it does hit everything on point that I do with my marriage. I do get very defensive when my wife describes how her feelings where hurt by me and how I have invalidated her feelings. It is very hard to not get defensive about what I hear that I'm doing or how I hurt her feelings.

[@terri_cole]

I see you ❤️ Would communicating via text/email work better? Do you think you could listen to your wife and then let her know you need to take some time to digest what she said? This could give you a break from responding defensively and allow you to return to the conversation when things have cooled off.

[@BrandonConfer]

@terri_cole yes text would be awesome I could use a lot help with me working on myself.

[@terri_cole]

Then I think it's totally okay to let your wife know that! "Hey babe, I'm really trying to work on my defensiveness. I know I tend to get defensive as soon as you start explaining why you feel a certain way in response to something I did. I think texting/writing it out and communicating about this in a slower way would help me actually listen to you and take in what you're saying without getting consumed by defensiveness. My gut reaction is to get defensive, and having time to respond would really help me do so from a grounded place. What do you think? Can we try it?" ❤️

[@BrandonConfer]

@terri_cole yeah that is very insitful and I'm glad you gave me those statements cause I would have never been able to think and say it that way. Thank for you time. And yes I will defentily bring it up to my wife and let her know what I'm working on in moment.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, and I am wishing you the best with approaching your wife on it ❤️

[@diverstalent]

Thanks

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

This is so helpful! Thanks, Terri! 👍 ♥

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful for you! ❤️

[@artemotionacademia]

you are light. 🌞

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@kanchangupta8546]

Truly Awesome

[@terri_cole]

Thank youuu!

[@miraclemindy25]

Hi Terri, I’m totally new here, I just subscribed a few minutes ago. I’m at the edge of breaking up with my boyfriend because of miscommunication and watching your videos makes me feel as if I have been defensive for a while now. I really don’t know what to do to make things better and this makes me really sad.

[@terri_cole]

Hi Mindy, thank you for subscribing and being here ❤️ I am witnessing you with compassion. I have another video on how to communicate effectively during conflict here that has some scripts: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rqHOm3mhnbBpqsk I think it could be okay to tell him how you feel- that you realized you might have been being defensive, and see if he is open to figuring out a new, better way to improve, because you want things to be different. I usually suggest a biweekly "State of the Union" date where couples normalize bringing up issues proactively and reaching a solution together, as a team. For example, my husband and I do this on Sundays while drinking coffee and reading the paper.

[@garimasarang1443]

Thank you Teri ❤❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@moen4645]

Thank you for this video Terri. I'm glad to hear the explanation between defensiveness and discerning. . I think that and by large defensiveness comes from a place of criticism and a defence/stop from being judged. It can occur almost automatically and reflecting into why's or as you well put it doing "basement work" is a very good strategy to improve ourselves and how we relate to people that matters. Also glad to have ordered boundarybossworkbook already. 😊

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your support 💕 and yes, you are spot on!

[@moen4645]

@@terri_cole thank you for your channel 💕 🙇.🙆. 😊

[@alanjavari4067]

I’ve had to realize that people are not operating on the same wavelength and it’s important to tune into theirs before they will be able to hear anything you have to offer on the subject

[@terri_cole]

Yes, so important! ❤️

[@anthonyharr2051]

So helpful

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful!

[@drizzle4728]

Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@lindahempenstall9870]

Love your video ❤

[@terri_cole]

Thanks! ❤️

[@handworxbyrenika5630]

I have defensive arguments with my spouse. How do you stop being defensive when your sis in law has told so many lies about you but your spouse believes her over you and there’s been so much side talks about you that the whole family acts weird? What do I do then??

[@terri_cole]

This sounds like a very difficult situation and a tough spot for you to be in. ❤️ It also sounds like this is more about your relationship with your husband, rather than with the entire family. I think you need to hear each other in new ways and validate what the other person feels (even if each of you disagrees with the “facts”, you can still validate feelings). Also, increasing the vulnerability that is shared between the two of you will help you to be less defensive. If you’re coming to him, sharing your real feelings and using “I” statements, that will decrease both of your defensiveness. For example, “I feel misunderstood and emotionally abandoned when we have these conflicts with your family. I feel lonely and sad.” Rather than, “You choosing your sister over me hurts my feelings. One is an honest and vulnerable share and the other is an accusation. I hope that helps!

[@apersonal1059]

Realised today the coach said “stop! The timer has gone” and I responded with “we didn’t hear it”. Defensive and it felt intuitively wrong after.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@mariamsezwa]

Am that person that over thinks things that being said,then I place my self in that situation of blame I should or have done it different ...a problem I have when I started attending in my worship groupe....when attached can't say I become offensive,for no reason You session am going to lessen to again on the right track ....thx

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️