You will do these things if you were ignored growing up

[@lisasisneros8200]

It’s even worse when you’re the oldest daughter. You get parentified, you don’t get a childhood and you’re expected to be a surrogate parent for the whole family, even when everyone grows up.

[@JanGlow]

My sister is the eldest. She was parentified. I actually view her as more motherly than my mother

[@pipphd]

That is hauntingly familiar.

[@LukeParsonsMusic]

I am the oldest sibling and experienced something similar. Because I was the eldest, I should "know better" than react to my sister teasing me or trying to annoy me. My Mum used to say the stuff she wished she could say to my Dad but couldn't, so I became like an emotional lightning rod and my emotions/feelings had to be locked up.

[@misschokesondique_yt]

This, this, this!!! MY DIVORCED PARENTS STILL TRY TO USE ME AS A “Messenger” 30 years later!!! Also, everyone on my dad’s side WILL NEVER view me as an adult, but tell me to be an example to the younger family members, including my siblings.

[@morgankelly3056]

As the youngest I was infantalised, then the eldest moved out I was only child and perentified...it's not worse...it just sux

[@nathalieduverna6963]

I went from being an unseen child to an unseen adult/parent. This is helpful.

[@sanderschat]

i see this comment. Thank you

[@trudy-annsmall9600]

It's sad😢

[@ChristineKennell]

This is so true. Thank you 😊

[@BreaktheKarmicWheel]

Start household practices to counter it even if it’s a little uncomfortable

[@riaallycecrawforth9058]

Me too! Even my young children (4 & almost 2) don't listen to me, they don't take me seriously at all when they're in trouble. But listen to my husband, who had a good childhood. This video has changed the way I see a lot of things in both mine and my husband's childhoods.

[@cor3944]

I would add another sign: people pleasing.

[@jeanie4703]

Serving others

[@sherryab3964]

100% agree!

[@riaallycecrawforth9058]

100% agree with this

[@martinleise]

stay silent!

[@AmericanDreamer]

oh yes, big time!!!!!!!

[@ashleynoelle7429]

I feel so sad for our inner children listening to to this.

[@Arjuna-og9wh]

At some point, we must take responsability of our lives, and overcome those child needs and be the parent of ourselves.

[@thelondoners-lifeisart]

@@Arjuna-og9whabsolutely and the loving parents to our parents too. That’s truly the key to all of this pain.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

It's very sad for our inner children. Though It's important to let ourselves feel the grief and acknowledge what our inner child endured.

[@angelareyes1920]

😢

[@hansa6153]

I could be wrong but people in their fifties and sixties and older were brought up just like you explained. No wonder we feel like we don’t have good self esteem.

[@wendygraham7787]

Yes absolutely, it's true. We weren't allowed to have any opinions of our own.

[@Zoleankico4267]

@@wendygraham7787 or feeling…

[@hansa6153]

I am very grateful for this YT channel and caring therapists who are helping us heal wounds from our childhood. If we don’t take care and love ourselves we will never be able to release these negative memories. I think everyone should try the ho opono Pono Hawaiian healing technique.

[@maaikevermoen1727]

The " i could be wrong but..." is also a sign of not being heard. Do you remember the confidence of the people who where fifty or sixty when you were a child? It was based on nothing or on alcohol, hahaha. I just did not know that at the time.

[@Lyrielonwind]

At that time, adults treated children as if we were monsters and wicked by nature. We were burdens and ungreatful selfish brats. No one expect innocence but for me being a child was felt like being under the Inquisition; we were sinners, everything was a sin in Catholic Spain during the 60s.

[@MLegs]

I’m a wallflower. I’m listening to the conversation and only chime in when given the opportunity. Usually it’s something enlightening and it’s surprises people. Like they think I haven’t been listening and didn’t care. I just know that people like to hear themselves talk and not really listening to others anyway. I was always talked over by all my family members and didn’t get to develop social skills.

[@SfromWisconsin]

I find myself doing the same thing in most conversations. Then, I feel pressure to only contribute if I have something enlightening/ extremely valuable to offer. Often, the conversation will move faster than I can jump in and contribute. I thrive in spiritual groups where each person is offered the chance to speak. Those participants are usually aware that certain people haven't spoken up that day and will invite them to speak if they wish. Participants are taught to be comfortable in the silence, to make sure that the speaker has finished what they want to say. I have learned that I often have something to say, pause, and then complete the thought (and I'm not the only one in the group who does this). I hope you have a place like this in your life. If you don't, look for Quaker, Buddhist, and Unitarian groups. Those were the best communities that I found.

[@GenXfrom75]

We were all silenced, as a collective generation. 😢

[@residentgeardo]

I was born in 72 and I feel the same. At least half of the points on this list apply to me. Makes sense cos we were raised by the boomers who probably experienced the same treatment from their own parents... These days as I think more about my parents' behaviour patterns when I was younger I can't help but feel that they went through the same treatment. 😞

[@joantabb3062]

This is 100% true. It's painful to hear. Im 65 yrs old, and I'm still a mess. Thank you for the truth.

[@juliet8678]

62 here, and also still a mess! At least we're in good company 😅❤️

[@coleengoodell7523]

64 a mess up till now. I'm taking this lesson and heading her advice. Just knowing why and what to do about it is the first step to making the changes that are needed.

[@elviamunguia8397]

Oh dear! I’m 60 y o and literally a big mess! Why this pain coming back and now my heart is open raw, it hurts so bad

[@Rudelherz]

I am much younger but still old enough to guarantee ppl who admit/say they are a mess, will be the loveliest, most helpful and good hearted humans in this planet. So thank you for being who you are. You make this earth still livable. Unlike the perfectionist, narcissistic know-it-all and put together egoists that are countless in every ppl and country 😢 thank you from the bottom of my heart❤

[@mariel.8809]

59 and even though we’re a mess, we’re kind messes! We don’t ever want others to feel like we’ve felt! Good tips provided to help us to navigate our quirks!

[@prisillaspace]

Wow. Almost 2 years ago my then daughter was 13….she mentioned this to me, how I revert to talking about myself, I told her because I was comparing my experiences to let her know how I dealt with things… She in turn said, but we’re different people and I’ll deal with them differently…it feels like you’re not listening to me. 😢 I do know that my feelings were ignored and they still are… It’s great to know why I do it…she’s almost 15 now..& the past few months Ive been stopping myself…just listening… When she has questions she asks. I’m grateful Ive broken some cycles in my children & that I’m trying to continue to break through my own. It’s really annoying and energy-sucking though…but I know it’s what I need to do. Thank you for your generosity and support to so many of us. One Day at a Time. 💖🦋✨🙏💗

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Wow that's so wonderful you took her feedback and are breaking the cycle! Proud of you for creating this beautiful change for yourself.

[@melissaburris7606]

You are an awesome parent for listening to your daughter and taking the steps to do better. Not many do!

[@MysticalRainbowKaci]

I think it speaks volumes not only that instead of becoming coming offended you listened, but also that you've raised a daughter who has the emotional intelligence to recognize that was happening and to make it known to you that she wasn't feeling heard!!! How beautiful! She could have just rolled her yes and chosent to resent you for it like many teens do.

[@jennashen9]

It's too late. My covert narc mom is 85. Would never even think she was anything like a narc. She has dementia now. I am her caretaker who takes not only emotional abuse but now physical abuse. Same as when I was a kid. I'm 55 and broken and have been my whole life.

[@bchristian85]

I've always done that because my mother did, but I've only learned recently that most people don't like it when others do that and it pushes people away. Another thing people don't like is when you contribute something to a conversation that is negative, even if the intention is just trying to be something to the conversation. For example, if people are talking about a TV show you don't really care for, don't say you don't care for it. Instead, ask questions about what they think is so great about it.

[@cynthiaars8140]

In the past few months, I've realised that my this tendency of leaving all the space to others made me choose friends who take all the space, they talk, talk, talk and never or almost never ask me questions about me, even when I mention something about me they don't ask questions to show some interest. And I've become very good at asking them questions to make them keep talking! I realise that it reinforced my unconscious belief that I wasn't important enough to be asked questions or to have anything to say... until a few months ago when I started to expand my circle and started to meet people who showed interest in me by asking questions and giving me the space I need to talk (then I would realise that I'd take too much space because FINALLY I can speak and feel interesting). It feels SO good to have balance in my conversations! Now, when I talk to my old friends, I feel some kind of disconnection because I see the pattern of them talking and not giving me any space and when I do try take space, to talk about me too, they just don't listen and bring back the conversation on them. It just makes me not wanting to see them anymore.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Wow this is really powerful awareness in the dynamics of these friendships of yours! It makes sense that you feel disconnected from your old friends now.

[@douglesley972]

I had a friend who always tried to one up me when I was talking. Our relationship was always in a downtrend spiral and ended by natural attrition. Occasionally I hear comments from the grapevine - oh I don't hear from him much- I wonder why.

[@Jae-by3hf]

Some of these are autistic and/or adhd traits. For example the one about relaying a story connected to the other person, it can actually be quite comforting knowing that someone has gone through the same thing and overcome it. I think something we all need to do is maybe preface the conversation or mention it that we are looking for some emotional support, just needing to vent or whatever it is. Also, people should also learn that not everything is being done with ill intent and the person is trying to comfort them, the best way they know how. I really cannot control how I interrupt people, but I always bring the conversation back to them: “apologies, I interrupted you, you were saying x,y,z…” I feel like theres work on all sides, I hope this doesn’t come off as an critique, but an add on to your words! You are so helpful and healing Dr Nicole!

[@SfromWisconsin]

I agree. Hearing another's similar story is assuring if it's meant as, "I have been there before" or "I am going through the same thing now" and they are trying to say that you are not alone. However, the one-up stories are Damaging! ("If you think you have it bad, I have/ had it worse.") That's how I interpreted it. "I didn't sleep well last night either" is affirming., "4 hours of sleep is better than the 2 hours of sleep that I got" is trivializing.

[@deedieducati2272]

Well apparently, I was never heard in childhood, but now, as an adult, most people don't listen to me either. Especially when I work with men who obviously think that my thoughts and ideas don't matter or are stupid. Funny thing, if I do speak up and am ignored, inevitably someone else will repeat what I said, and suddenly it's a great idea. I guess they just don't like the sound of my voice...but my idea was great. btw, I have removed myself from that group of people now. Inner peace...ah...

[@peace-or2cp]

Classic behavior; men are listened to and women are not. Sorry this happens to you, its hard to change one's behaviors when being ill treated.

[@hansa6153]

@@deedieducati2272 I can relate to that. I don’t know why but men in my family think my ideas are stupid . It’s like they think they are always right.

[@gaelle4328]

Jupp, recognize this … sexist af.

[@L.i.T.t.L.e.D]

Same thing happens to me, except I'm a guy...

[@ELizAbeth-st8wq]

My dad was a blackout alcoholic who was narcissistic due to his addiction. I was either yelled out or invisible. Very painful. Thank god for therapy and good therapists like this. Thank you

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

You are doing powerful work to heal ❤

[@paulastarkey9973]

Sharing is such a help to other people.

[@tam8282]

I wouldn't have thought I was ignored because my mum is the most amazing high school teacher and put so much love and attention into her students my assumption is I received the same as child. However as an adult my mum tends to gaslight and ignore me and dismiss me and I'm starting to realise that she has done this to me as a child too and it's hard to deal with because she does not do this to other people. I have a younger sister and a younger brother, she does it to them but not to the same extent. I'm having to rebuild myself from the ground up.

[@morgankelly3056]

@@tam8282 my mother was a teacher too. And I knew I was missing out on a parent. Everyone assumed home life was fine cause mum had a job, housing and clothing, and food.

[@MagicalUnicornn]

I agree to this. My mom is a teacher too. And she always understands people, empathises with them, but when it comes to me she always tends to ignore me.

[@Carolina922]

It's so much worse when you can clearly see they're capable of being the parent you need, and they actively choose to do that for others (including their other children), just not for you.

[@cecilec7512]

Similar to me. My mum was working in schools helping kids 1 to 1 who needed more support when at the same time she neglected me because of how I looked.

[@TonyFed]

I feel this and you’re not alone. My mom was a middle and high school teacher (and I was even in her classes several years). She was everyone’s favorite teacher and I always heard about how great she was from fellow students. She poured herself into the annual batch of students, overworked, and otherwise disassociated from our chaotic home life and narcissistic father, and it took me till I was 40 to figure out how this was all related to my cPTSD and numerous symptoms related to childhood emotional neglect Guess I just “brought the conversation back to me” but hey, here we are.

[@emmajoy831]

Rejection sensitivity is another one

[@marmarino2070]

I dont over explain I stah quiet. I simply don’t speak about myself, and I do like to control conversation but I don't dominate. But the first one is for real my biggest problem! I can't express my wants and needs.

[@690169016901]

I felt the need to explain to my mom that the baby that i just had with my husband wasn’t a bastard. I look back and am embarrassed that i even bothered to explain any of my mom’s attempts to shame me.

[@missredx]

Congratulations on your baby! 🙂

[@paulastarkey9973]

And your honesty.

[@NEMBL013]

I think that when you go through retraumatizing experiences in adulthood it triggers you back to old patterns and behaviours, like over sharing.

[@Arjuna-og9wh]

Over sharing. Got that. I think it is a way to give people the reasons of our existence: "I deserve to exist because, I am that, I lived this, and I am trying that". I think is important to embrace ourselves and be the reason itself of our existence.

[@cds8249]

Thank you for sharing this! Recently visited inlaws and I find myself oversharing to some of them but not talking much to others. I think I overshare bc of anxiety, but your input made me see it in an entirely new light.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

It definitely can.

[@luciamixon4156]

​@@Arjuna-og9whVery good! We are enough. Thank you.

[@KF-qn1ij]

Growing up in the same family, me and my sibling have a lot of those "habits". It's really sad, when unintentionally we hurt each other by "using" kinda opposite things from this list (like, if my sibling overshares, i sometimes become silent, it makes conversation uneasy... at times when I'm keep turning conversation back to me-me-me, my sibling feels unseen and unheard, i feel anxious and feel like i need to do something about the mood, to please...). It's such a messed up thing... Thank you for talking about that! I rarely heard somebody to cover this topic! Plus, it helps me to second-guess all the blame i have put on myself for communicating weirdly. There's a reason for that, hah...

[@maydavies888]

🎯 thank you for this. It hurts, but it is good to be self-aware after all these decades.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

You're very welcome! Yes, awareness if the first step in creating that change.

[@audreylonsinger2678]

I was the only girl and a middle child. My mother was consumed by my oldest and youngest brothers. She would say to me, "oh I've never had to worry about you, you were my smart child." I was not only ignored but there was so much neglect. My narcissistic mother also used triangulation among us. I feel all of what you say here!

[@Callie-joe07]

😢that sounds like my childhood, till I acted out in my teens, am sending you a hug 🫂 from New Zealand 🇳🇿

[@Cinqheureshuit]

I will say it every time: you are a savior thanks to your knowledge.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank you for being here ❤

[@Ali08]

Thanks for the video. I know that for myself growing up, I was not taught how to communicate properly and mostly stopped for having a different opinion my parents didn't agree with. Being called too emotional, yet they reflected their own sensitivity back to me. My brother later confirmed he played it safe to not rock the boat. While it is not an excuse to stay blaming parents for their poor mistakes, it surely is hard learning to undo years of bad habits and changing a certain mindset. As a solo parent, it is doubly hard because I am mainly the one who must show up in ways for my child that I never learn growing into adulthood.

[@gingercurlygirl6943]

My inner child is cringing at this list! I've always worried that people might think I'm narcissistic when I chime in with a personal anecdote, a bit like you saying about trying to empathise with someone losing their job and bringing the conversation round to yourself. My mother was at times Grandiose and everything was about HER, with a capital H. The very last thing I mean to be is like her. I'm overwhelmed by crowds, but this also has to do with years of bullying at school, having few friends that I trust, not having properly developed my social skills early on and spending years feeling as if I'm playing catch-up. I can come across as very awkward for someone who has 3 degrees! (That was not meant to be a humble-brag, sorry, apologising and over-explaining again)

[@dontbeadogsbody3564]

I learned how to be psychic and entertaining, as the oldest daughter.

[@LmB-hn2pu]

I so much relate to this. I am also the eldest daughter🔮always expected to anticipate her needs, and smooth her emotional turmoil with humour. Dad was the master at it, I was his apprentice. I am working on reparenting myself, and focusing on what MY needs are. Long road. Thankyou Dr Lepera for all that you do, and for all the support from strangers ❤

[@NEMBL013]

Actually I think if it’s done with tact it’s actually very kind of ppl to share their stories to comfort others.

[@perj10]

My sister fills every silence. We have had gatherings ( someone’s bday or holiday ) where at the end she is the only one talking. Our father did not speak often, a strong silent type, so car rides with him were difficult for those who were not comfortable in silence. I am very comfortable with silence and never feel the need to just speak to fill the moment. My comfort with silence has been a great asset, one of the few good things my father taught me. I was expecting to identify with the criteria of being ignored so I am pleasantly surprised that I don't. It is however an accurate description of my sister. Always interesting how siblings living in the same environment won’t necessarily have the same issues.

[@persephone1001]

It's a little more complicated for those of us who are neurodivergent. As an undiagnosed autistic ADHDer, my parents attempted to hear me, but I was woefully ill equipped to actually understand my own emotions and needs, let alone communicate them. My mother would tell me she understood, then do something that proved that she didn't. As a result, I actually prefer it when someone tells me a similar relatable story. I don't want them to TELL me they understand, I want them to PROVE it.

[@SfromWisconsin]

Talking to strangers can be very healthy. It's easier to talk with them because they only know you in the present moment, and don't know anything about you, so they make less assumptions about you. They are more curious about what you have to say, so they are more attentive and are much better at sharing the conversation. Positive feedback is more authentic because they have nothing to gain by flattering you and negative feedback is usually given more gently, and often comes in the form of an insightful question that is more helpful than dismissive comments. Strangers tend to be more forgiving when you trip over your words, and will wait for you to recover and try again instead of jumping in and talking for you or changing the subject. If you are working out how to express your concerns to a loved one, talking with a stranger is great practice and often gives you some insight and confidence before the real conversation. Best of all, if you totally make a total fool of yourself in front of a stranger, it doesn't matter. You will likely never see them again.

[@Sunshinysky432]

So True, some of my most uplifting moments are conversations I have with random people @ Costco, Target, Barnes& Nobel or wherever. Im very approachable and love talking which others pick up on and obviously they need to talk as well. No judgement as it should be even with the people we know. Sadly not always the case. Their perceptions are based narrowly, not knowing us at all. Heck, they don’t know themselves either or realize they are projecting. I learned not to explain anymore because the unwillingness of others to listen and have an open mind, seeing it through my lens was not going to happen. So, I just continue working on myself and staying authentic and don’t fret much about others opinions of me. And of course, keep talking to strangers!

[@ThrivingWithGaylaDGaia]

I think this really perfectly explains the dynamics with my siblings and me. It's very very sad. Our parents really didn't know how to engage with us, and didn't know how to honor us as real people. One sister had major mental health issues and still has huge trust issues to the point It's really hard to be around her. She has been through way too much in her life. Same story with my older brothers. They don't know who they really are and are challenged trying to navigate life. I was the youngest who sought more answers than the rest and engaged in changing myself. I'm back in a place where I feel unseen and I can't enjoy or trust my siblings to have good relationships with me. It's okay, tho. This explains everything. This will really help me soften my heart towards them and better understand myself. I guess this list is very crucial for me to work with

[@stephanie4175]

I was ignored, but also it was just my mother and I, so I was completely alone. It never even occurred to me to ask for help at any time for any reason. I am completely alone now and I do work I hate that sucks the life out of me, where people just take and take. I don’t like to be seen at all. I have no ability to connect with people and I don’t understand most of it. Just that I’m different and no one understands. How can anyone possibly ´get over it’s?

[@username901000]

Hugs. Many people in many mental states feel hopeless but end up feeling better. Everything feeling hopeless sucks, but that feeling often isn't true. You do t have to believe it.

[@KirstyE3]

Yes, yes and yes. Guilty of every one. That explains a lot about my behavior. I had worried I was a touch on the spectrum. I get so awkward in crowds and struggle to know how to appropriately function. Either I clam down, or word vomit. Thanks for this.

[@cds8249]

I struggle with the same thing. I clam up or I talk excessively! It's so hard to break these old patterns of behavior.

[@bevstreicher3458]

This describes me totally. Lots to take away and think about. We need follow-up sessions.

[@ibizawavey8630]

People pleasing. The world feels threatening and i'm a 43 year old male, 6'1 190lbs of muscle and i go out and i feel like a kitten. How tf is this normal?

[@Jae-by3hf]

Because you are a kitten, well your inner child is, don’t let the world unsoften your softness 🩷 men like you are needed 🙏🏽

[@brumbybailey6599]

Maybe because the "strong masculine" has been ignored or belittled or not modelled in your role models? Someone trusting and appreciating you and your positive attributes may be encouraging.

[@brumbybailey6599]

The world IS scary though, to be fair.

[@pascalelzinga]

Most likely, it is because a part of you believes that you can only give proof of your value (to others) if you sacrifice your own needs and prioritise other's needs or you think it is bad for you to express your needs, which equals not setting and expressing boundaries, maybe because you fear getting rejected/abandoned. This can be fixed. It is just a very old program in you that can be reset through a therapeutic technique of your choice.

[@coleengoodell7523]

Thank you for this and Praise God He lead me here to hear it. All of the above I do and have been fretting about it. I did this to my neighbors a few days ago, the loud, talking over, all of it and realized what a jerk I'd just been after I got back home. I don't know if they will ever want to converse with me again, but I will take your advice and work on it. I have and others have described me as having been, "the invisible child". Everything you said made sense, I hope and pray that I can change these negative communication compulsions that I have.

[@michellefaith900]

Wants and Needs looked like disrespect in my childhood household. As an adult. Because of these issues in my childhood. I've addressed both of my still-married parents and let them know how I felt about everything in my childhood and have set healthy boundaries with them. They learned to respect and accept this! My parents are also grandparents so now I am making sure they do not do this to my children and or their other grandchildren!!! Because it is unhealthy and will cause so much damage in adulthood.

[@babyshooz]

I feel seen! Thank you!

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So glad this one helps you feel seen. Thank you for being here and sharing.

[@leahtiberius1470]

I’ve been through many of these and through the explanations you give, your books and KZbin clips, Instagram messages, plus other tools, I’ve been able to work through a lot. My relationships have depended. I have a stable work life and I’m able to connect with my kids. I still have a bad habit of turning the conversation back to me, emotionally dumping (I’ve made progress, but have a long way to go.) overly explain is also a big one - just like now ;)

[@AlizzaBliss]

This is my mum 💯 She was #3 out of 6 and sadly both of her parents were shit at parenting. They openly had a favorite child (that wasnt my mum) and basically DGAF about the rest.

[@ESty18]

How was your mum able to listen to you?

[@AlizzaBliss]

@@ESty18 She did her best but she didnt have the experience or skills to do it in any helpful way. She often offered things like cookies instead. This is her to this day but I dont fault her for it. She had a very hard life for a long time. I'm just proud of her for surviving through it all.

[@cosmicf3rn]

I think it’s interesting that a lot of if not all of these overlap with autistic struggles, particularly struggles in autistic women. An overlap would unfortunately make sense in a lot of cases

[@rue2599]

This made me realise that my communication habits are actually not coming from a narcissistic place. I was beginning to worry, and I've been ensuring that I don't dominate conversations anymore.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Really appreciate you sharing this new awareness you've discovered for yourself. 😍

[@rue2599]

@ Thanks ☺️. I appreciate the information provided on your channel because it doesn’t only make me aware of what I need to heal, but it also affirms that I can heal.

[@patormsby9441]

It can dog you later in life. I try to join in a conversation of three or more people, and someone will just cut me off. So I stop and wait, and try to jump back in again, only to be cut off by someone else. So, I shrug and depart the conversation, think about something else. If what I want to say is important enough, I raise my hand and wait. This is Japan, so there are cultural issues such as not respecting women' opinion, and as a foreigner, I'm awkward in conversations anyway. Nonetheless, I think the social dynamics in the US, where I was raised, would overwhelm me (especially the denigration of "people pleasing"--which is obligatory in Japan).

[@Mag-us6iz]

My mother was an only child same as me and this fits us both. Only difference is I’m aware of it and trying to change but my mother has no self awareness and doesn’t care to.

[@taraelmegreen5527]

At 55, I'm healing and so grateful, being raised by 2 abusive addicts....I struggled with all of these FOR DECADES.....ty for taking time to explain...

[@bronektrent694]

Some of these are extraordinarily on the mark, particularly the staying silent and being overwhelmed expressing wants/needs. And the discomfort with groups. I just thought I was introverted. It didn’t occur to me that it could be because my parents behaved like every interaction with me as a child was an imposition. I went no contact with them seven years ago. So I guess I’m doing to them now what they did to me then.

[@jasonsanders8091]

But please forgive them, and reconcile. To err is human, to forgive divine.

[@cathryndeyn9]

So many asking how we heal it. I healed it by realising that I was in the habit of ignoring myself as I was taught to. I healed by learning to listen to my own needs and putting them first. This involved inner child dialogues and having the courage to offend others by saying No to things that were not right for me. Consistently. Gradually I found out who I am and developed confidence and a groundedness that is both somatic and psychological. My many mental health symptoms went away, including a chronic eating disorder and depression. Be devoted to noticing yourself and advocate FOR yourself as if the rest of your life depends on it, because... it does!! And you will not become selfish. Peace of mind allows for true generosity.

[@annapiotrowska4514]

Hey, it was exactly what I was experiencing. I would especially agree with over explain;bringing conversation to self; dominate conversation. Definitely, ignorance in childhood made prone to stay silent. Very good material❤ thanks

[@inpurpleblanket142]

My mom experienced this, even she had to take care of her 3 younger siblings from a very young age. Understanding this, unfortunately she did this to me and my brother unconciously, thanks for sharing this as i could grow compassion towards her after this awareness. Love her eventhough its hard, it must ve been hard for her as well all her life. She tried her best but she never know how and she never experienced how and she never get the knowledge 😢❤

[@Valuofnature]

Yes! It was her default. It was what she knew. Only new knowledge like this and serious intentionality would have helped.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Proud of you for remaining open minded and showing your mom compassion after gaining this awareness!

[@sharedexperiences2773]

Im learning that its ok to sit in silence with people. I love people who i can be silent with and it feels comfortable.

[@manyBlessings2all]

Thank you 🙏😊 yes, nearly all of these -- all at some point, tho nowadays I'm sadder & quieter (less exuberant, less talkative) & hopefully wiser & calmer & able to listen better. I did always use curiosity (genuine) & questions to others to fill silence, tho was too keen & 'speedy' in response, wanting to share my similar experiences, over-share, info- dump (I was diagnosed autistic & adhd & cptsd aged 48!) Being quiet enough to really hear & acknowledge others' feelings & one's own is so important. Great list, thank you again

[@MeganVincent-tl4tg]

Wow, totally me. I was the oldest daughter and my mom said from the get go when I was born she thought I was perfect. She never had that feeling with my younger sister. I’ve always been told to lighten up or chill out and I think some of that is due to me being parentified emotionally from an early age. And then she had the nerve to say this was all due to aspergers(who knows). It’s hard not to be a little angry about it all but what can you do 🤷‍♀️. Boundaries. They work wonders.

[@VesMe-wj1oh]

I never tough about this but now see I tick all the boxes and looking back I can see it. Thank you for sharing this and raising awareness

[@kwyatt261]

Over explaining is a tough one. Sometimes the exact, correct nuance needs to be highlighted, and if someone gets annoyed by the time it takes to.understand said nuance, they don't want to see the nuance anyway.

[@AmeliaStender9]

That was such a good video. I loved the backboard with the list behind you being there in view the whole time. I also noticed how you're very emphatic and concise when you speak so as to not be misunderstood. I find this personally to be a result of being chronically either accused of evil motives which was not the case, or not being listened to and validated. It's like if I'm not emphatically exactly and explicitly as clear as i can possibly be, either someone will twist it or misconstrue it to try to make me look bad and them look good, or make me look bad just to torment me, or, misunderstand and misconstrue it to line up with a false/ evil narrative they have constructed in their head because they have presumed evil against me which was done to me continuously as a child. It was exhausting trying to constantly prove my innocence and narcissists do the very same thing. It's called gas-lighting. They just do it because they are bitter and love to see you squirm and try to explain. It's pure cruelty and narcissists totally get off on it. It gives them immense pleasure as you exhaust yourself not realize they are just amusing themselves with you, lighting you on fire and watching you burn. It's just sick. They call it teasing but it's truly evil. 😢 once you recognize its being done to you repeatedly, the key is to wake up and see its being done on purpose even maliciously just to get you back for what they consider any Injustice you might have done to them like not laugh at their joke so now you owe them it's a very sick game of Vengeance of keeping score and then always seeing themselves in the position of you owe them and so they have to make you pay and they will try to extract your energy because they live off of the energy they suck out of your life when you focus on them which makes them feel important but the way you win is you start ignoring it because you have to realize as long as you respond to what they're doing you're playing into their hands and you don't owe them any explanation if they've misunderstood that's on them especially if you were clear and I mean crystal clear the first go-round you don't have to explain some people just enjoy misunderstanding other people on purpose just to torment them.😂 laugh it off and walk away. They don't deserve your attention and you don't have to answer to anyone especially not someone so intent on misunderstanding you and accusing you of evil when it's really them doing all the evil there is a Day of Reckoning that will come and they will give an account for the torment they have put people through so they could get attention in a way that was not healthy or kind or loving but just totally selfish and self-serving and manipulative. These people exist LOL and growing up with people like this as a parent teaches you how to be these ways and the sad thing is sometimes people spend the rest of their lives trying to get out of these traps so keep making these great videos. Thank you so much!❤🎉😂 remember turn around don't drown. Just walk away you don't need anyone to understand you especially if they don't really care about you and they have no concern about your well-being because narcissists don't care about anyone except themselves

[@decelis_boys747kings]

This is so true. I have to come clean to my parents about my uni marks and keeping to myself. The anxiety and stress and nervousness I felt yesterday really swallowed me up. I still have to talk to them

[@Silverbirchtree]

Im 65 and only now begining to understand why i am as i am from your great explanations. The list really should state my name as i was, constantly , given the silent treatment by my mother or ignored by my disinterested father. Always felt like an outsider. But life was very much like that in the 1960 and before. Silence was the norm. Maybe By having this knowledge and understanding now , i can be come the fully authenic me. I truely appreciate you and your channel.

[@anonanonymous1970]

Being a direct, concise communicator can really upset others, I've learned. How can we express ourselves directly (with calm and kindness) and not end up vilified?

[@Earl_E_Burd]

I'll add this to the mountain of evidence explaining how I'm screwed up. We only get one childhood.

[@lemeliajohnsonbonner1661]

I see these patterns in myself, unfortunately. What makes it difficult for me to break out of is the fact that my mother is still in the picture and still making me feel ignored and not heard. I am 64!! My mother has mild dementia now, requiring me to spend more time around her, which means I'm getting talked over and invalidated nearly every day of my life. Since being parentified in childhood, I've been taking care of people my entire life. I have PTSD and responsibility OCD as a result of tragic experiences during that caregiving. I also have autistic adult offspring, so the responsibility for others is ingoing. I don't have time to breathe, let alone time to heal.

[@susanrogo1113]

Oh my goodness, I don’t typically like silence ever and then I start talking even more and I feel foolish because I babble. I feel like I’m annoying everyone when I do this. I have to have music or TV or something on nonstop.

[@thelondoners-lifeisart]

This is very helpful. It’s also helpful to understand our parents were also not heard and were also ignored. I’d argue to a point they aren’t even in touch with being able to express what they need or want. Let’s let that sink in. Now we get to stand up and take our place with empathy and strength for both ourselves and our parents and try to show up more for our children. Now we can understand this is the natural progression of conscious awareness being raised with each generation. Every family unique and so we experience much complexity. Pause forward, tune in, accept what is, breathe and yes trust in yourself. Love the closing statement. Open up to become a more connected partner to those around you. 💯 ⚡️❤️💜💙⚡️

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I resonate will all of these signs thank you for the video ❤ I just wish it came a day earlier before I embarrassed 😳 myself by dominating the conversation at a dinner 🥘 party I went to but in this moment I’m gonna show myself some compassion and do better next time. Thank you 🙏 Nicole

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

It's beautiful to hear you're going to show yourself compassion and do better next time. You've got this! Awareness is the first step.

[@maydavies888]

I am.overwhelmed by all that is still wrong with me and all I need to heal and feel like there is not enough time left in my life to do it and that as hard as I habe tried to heal, I keep finding things broken in me that feels like I will never be ready to be with my soul mate before I die. G-d forbid. It is so overwhelming, it doesn't seem like there even IS a right way to be.

[@lexpixie1689]

That's me 100%. Thank you. I need to become aware now. Thank you for the easy directional message. These message types help me understand tremendously.

[@vlip8334]

I love you. Wondered my whole life why I am doing the things described here. I realise just after I do them. Omg. All my problems on a list. What can I do?

[@paiviheiskanen2382]

I recognize myself here and i believe you find these traits in yourself too Dr.Nicole. Some of the also are familiar to those of us who are autistic. For me it’s not easy at all to contain myself from dominating conversations it’s very much compulsive also i’m not always able to stop myself from interrupting conversations. Another thing i used to do in my family so i’d be heard instead of ignored is raise the tone of my voice. At some point of observing i found it to be a futile effort because my mum especially interprets my tone going up as me being rude, disrespectful or even angry. When i do this i never am feeling angry no such sensations happening in my body at all. When i then explain to her this isn’t the case she doesn’t believe me at all. My mum still this day ignores/ dismisses me as her nervous system is in chronic dysregulation. It took me time to learn to become aware this is the case from you Nicole.❤

[@katiaantonova6949]

Oh man, this was hard for me to watch as it brought up feelings, but very true. Was also healing. Thanks Dr. Lipera 😊

[@AnonymousSpirit]

First half of my life I was withdrawn and very quiet. I only shared what was necessary and was often called mysterious by others. Idk when or why, there was a complete flip, maybe to seem more personal.. but I now share my inner personal world freely in certain conversations, and I think that is oversharing. I feel uncomfortable asking too many questions of others as to not pry into their personal lives. I have not learned how to find balance and consider that as my social awkwardness. I long for closer friendships too but often shy away from them as something about them feels scary

[@LaureninGermany]

I am so happy you made this video. I have looked for this in your content. My parents were olympic world champions at ignoring me utterly and completely, for months and years at a time.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Sending you and your inner child so much love❤

[@CynthiaSchoenbauer]

This is soo good! Thank you for helping me remember why I seem to not really remember who I am, but I don't have a disease.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So grateful this was a good one for you. Thank you for being here + sharing!

[@saraaa.33]

Thank you for these videos Nicole❤❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Thank YOU for being here.

[@LunaMoon518]

I absolutely relate to being overwhelmed and anxious in gatherings and crowds and to not talking at all. It physically drains me. My mom dominated all the space with her issues and opinions. I learned to be invisible, a sounding board for her needs, and that my viewpoint didn't matter. I still think that I'm so boring and unlikeable that I don't deserve to have a voice, so I stay silent and anxious. I was also punished for having friends as a teenager until eventually I stopped having any because that was easier. The part of me that should want friendships completely suffocated and died. I'm so lonely sometimes, but all of this conspires to make it beyond difficult to make friends. Now, the thought of friends is like wanting to have them because that's what normal people should have, I should have friends so I can model to my daughter that it's healthy and normal, I should have friends so I can be normal and not pathetic, so that my husband isn't my one and only peer bond which makes me overly dependent on his company. I'm a mess lol.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

You are likable and deserve to have a voice! ❤

[@ditty88]

Exactly what I'm realizing myself at the age of 38 🤦‍♀️ glad I know now... thanks for this video 😊

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Awareness is the first step. So glad you were able to discover this for yourself now. ❤

[@silver2733]

Truly enjoy your videos! The last 5 on the list resonate with me. Working on improving in progress

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So grateful to support and glad you are enjoying.

[@dehsa38]

You've been there, done that. You should know. Good presentation, God bless.

[@markuswunsch]

Oh well... 1. not really 2. yeah a bit 3. sometimes 4. a lot (but hey I am diagnosed with C-PTSD, ADHD, NPD, ASPD and OCPD) 5. sure -> even my linkedin profile turned it a huge emotional dump lately 6. yes 7. yes if not number 6. 8. doing okay but prefer a close smaller circle. So were I ignored when growing up: It's all on my linkedin profile as said!

[@godzillamanstreb524]

lol

[@JFN381]

This is so helpful and clarifying. Thank you.

[@riaallycecrawforth9058]

Thank you so much for this video, it has shown me why I am the way I am, as I do practically all of those things! 😢 It has also shown me that I need to listen to my children, always! Thank you again 💓

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

This is incredible awareness.

[@paulastarkey9973]

This is real education. Should be in schools.

[@AnonymousSpirit]

I can relate to a lot of these throughout different times of my life; but interestingly, I don’t have a memory of not being heard or being ignored. It’s kind of been blurred out. Or, perhaps it was all so normalized for me that my brain doesn’t recognize it as something out of the ordinary. So, it’s eye opening to relate to the symptoms.

[@jamccc671]

Yes...So familiar but sad because at 65 you realise how much you missed out on life and what it has to offer. It really affects one's self esteem.

[@empressofawesome7099]

OMG, Even just beginning to look at this list, even before watching, I could tick off almost all of these! At least I get a better idea WHY it's hard for me not to do some of these, why I do them. Emotionally? Honestly? Yes, I WAS ignored a lot in childhood by my family - except for one member of the wider family who took me under her wing but at home I was ignored, my thoughts and feelings did NOT matter. And seeing a comment here, yes also am an older daughter, and there's other stuff too.

[@hansa6153]

Dr Nicole , God Bless you for making this video. Happy New Year to you and all the viewers.

[@Vungiel]

Yup, all that checks out. I am slowly trying to fix this.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Celebrating your powerful choice to heal from this!

[@NEMBL013]

I think it’s actually living in the western world and how ppl socialize. I was resocialized and then sent back out into the western world where this way of being is acceptable and it’s hard to not fall into it. I am comfortable with silence actually, almost too comfortable with it.

[@ThrivingWithGaylaDGaia]

Did you live elsewhere and felt seen and heard?

[@rg1whiteywins598]

I fit that entire list . 😢😢😢😢

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Sending you a lot of love❤

[@juliet8678]

Yes, getting "talked over" by family members! I was the youngest of five kids, and totally ignored.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Painful. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing what it was like for you.

[@emmajoy831]

So needed this right now. So well timed. Thank you

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So glad this one came at a good time for you!

[@emmajoy831]

Thanks lovely. Got your books on Meeting Yourself and Being the Love you Seek on the shelf ready to go after Brene Brown’s back catalogue

[@AndEveryStuff]

I am 100% the last two. Getting close to someone means being dominated by them, and i can't speak up even as my resentment grows. The only fix i know how to do is to end the relationship.

[@Kelseychixnjojo]

I need help I can’t stop talking even when I know I shouldn’t. I tell all my business and think everyone wants to be my friend when they don’t and they throw everything I told them back in my face. So ready to learn this lesson forever and just be quiet

[@Dianecites]

Aw shit, I need to talk to this about my therapist and work through this. Middle child here, and wasn't really listened anyways (so learned to just listen to my own music, read books, etc) from my family. At least nothing could hurt me. I was fully diagnosed with epilepsy over 17-18 years ago. I was fully diagnosed with memory loss (short + long) and cognitive skills in 2013 via neurospych test. It explains why I'm scared of making friends. Why I'm scared of romantic relationships. I understand friends come and go in our life (like different life stages which is understandable). On the other hand, it freaks me out to get near someone. I've been called a burden, freak, you name it from ex-friends. I was telling the truth multiple times, but even got (multiple) comments like go unalive yourself/jump off a bridge, etc. In relationships. My last ex didn't believe that I had memory loss and cognitive impairment (to anyone who wants to understand this. It's like not being able to process simple things). Even my mom didn't believe me of memory loss (till I had to FULLY explain it), and my brother mocks me of my memory loss. Was called retarded, mentally challenged, you name it. My last ex said that I was lying and couldn't put it. (Like no shit sherlock, everyday I pretend to have a neurological disorder). My last friend said I was a burden while I was trying to explain memory loss. It's no wonder why I'm scared of people. Why I'm scared of companionship. After so many times of not being heard, I don't want to bother anymore. It explains why I like being by myself and just doing things by myself. At least no one can hurt me in my thoughts. Even violin lessons, my teacher never listened to me with stuff I WANTED to work on which frustrated me. I was just never listened.

[@ThrivingWithGaylaDGaia]

This all changes when you get a really good therapist.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

This is powerful awareness! Celebrating your powerful choice to work through this with your therapist.

[@twopointwow]

This was really good, thank you.

[@TheHolywren]

Is there anyone who gets the parenting done properly ?Don’t we get strengths out of some of these negative treatments?

[@muma6559]

#1 The top secret was to not tell anyone if you're hungry... that was shamed... how dare you say you're hungry. So my whole life I strictly make sure no-one is inconvenienced if I happen to be hungry.

[@susie5254]

Very helpful and appreciated insight. Thank you for the validation.

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

So happy this helped! Thank you for being here.

[@lorettascott5477]

Definitely heard that saying and children are to be seen and not heard unless spoken to!!! 🤢😭😭😭

[@Gopi_sart_gallary]

Please make a video on if we have these signs how to release the ignored childhood trauma . Prosess and important tasks about it anything to heal the wound and break the cycle forever so that it doesn't affect the next person or generation ❤❤

[@amechealle5918]

Mom got remarried just before I turned 12. I became invisible once she had a son with her new husband it just got worse she literally told me on my 14th birthday, she had a new family and they were her priority. No birthdays after that. My grandparents were the the only ones who sent me birthday stuff

[@JillWaterman]

This explains so much. Thank you, Dr. Nicole ❤

[@TheHolisticPsychologist]

Grateful to support! Thank you for your presence in the community.

[@diannegoode9010]

As a child, l was quiet and withdrawn. My parents did not talk much with me. I found nursery and school difficult the other children were so noisy! So l hid in the quiet parts of the playground. As a teenager, l felt lost as how to make friends. This continued throughout my life. l am now 68 l still find loud noisy crowds difficult and joining conversation hard. Just how do l change this? I don't live in the US. I am in the UK

[@Sabadiver]

Why would you want to be around loud noisy people anyway?