How to Stop Feeling Nostalgic for an Ex

There's nothing more common and yet more peculiar than our habit, in certain moods, of feeling nostalgic for lovers whom we spent a good deal of time trying to escape from. What is this feeling and can it be trusted?
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“After considerable agony, we’ve left a relationship. We’re on our own now - and, when we can bear to be honest, it’s a little harder than we expected. We aren’t going on many dates; the central heating broke down last week; the shopping is proving a hurdle. In idle moments, we find ourselves daydreaming, returning fondly to certain occasions in the concluded relationship. There was that wintry weekend by the sea: they looked adorable walking on the beach in their thick scarf. We fed the seagulls and drank cheap white wine from paper cups on the seafront and felt connected and happy. Then there was a moment on honeymoon, when we discovered the little Vietnamese restaurant hidden away in a side street in Paris and became friends with the owner and her husband. Or we recall how, at a large party, we both realised we didn’t particularly like the other guests - it was a special, conspiratorial moment: the two of us, shoulder to shoulder, talking over just what was wrong with everyone else. We’re newly conscious of the charm of so many things that seemed ordinary at the time - coming out of the supermarket, putting everything away in the fridge and the cupboards; making soup and toasted cheese and watching television on the sofa…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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[@theschooloflifetv]

Have you struggled with getting over an ex and come through the other side? What helped you cope? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss our next film.

[@chrysoulano-name4033]

The School of Life alan watts

[@blacksteve9923]

Its crazy how this is posted after my ex is still trying to contact me after I'm over the nostalgia and started moving forward. Now I'm back reminiscing. =/

[@sapnasharma8189]

He said he loves me,but I never felt that. But to do...?

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Incredible how they always post the appropriate video to reflect my current situation.

[@fatjune93]

It helped when I realized that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My eyes were wide opened to know that i fell for his manipulations. It's just toxic.

[@drenx7454]

You dont miss them, you miss who you thought they were.

[@btrixlestrange6432]

Yes. So true.

[@alltaken0]

good one

[@DonaldSeymourjr]

Facts.

[@haveagoodday629]

YES!!!!

[@julialundstrom2696]

Truth

[@persiankingish]

Don't make someone your priority when all you are to them is an option.

[@threethrushes]

This is a founding precept of MGTOW.

[@charlotteeolsen8397]

I have a problem with this

[@Malfuuu]

Thank you for your wisdom, putting words on things is sometimes what we need.

[@chuggaa100]

@@threethrushes You mean incels.

[@sharduldeshpande059]

@@threethrushes what is that?

[@v4l3nt1nn]

*I swear this is a very weird perfect timing*

[@olitomar]

AI, bro

[@shazarahramesar6395]

I know right when I got the notif I was like wtfff

[@TimonAkunamatata26]

I felt hella attacked seeing this

[@jaydubya9265]

Vali Tsunami right! I went to bed hurting over a failed relationship and just woke up to this. Lol

[@santiagocortez9554]

Dude same

[@hamzasaleem7017]

The juice of the film is.. Don't feel nostalgic for your ex..your mind plays tricks on you when you are alone

[@piamuscat]

Would love to be able to be so dispassionate as Alain!

[@llo7816]

I remember the good and the crap from all my past relationships...Glad I'm in the current 23 year long relationship and it's getting better all the time.

[@umutruzgar2923]

this sentence would not make you feel like the video though. The magic in the video is helping you to UNDERSTAND WHY you are not right about feeling nostalgic

[@sebastianelytron8450]

Remember you often tell yourself lies. The fact that he/she was "perfect" and is "the one" and you'll never find someone better is just another self-sabotaging lie. Let the truth set you free.

[@a_akie]

You're damn on point. I feel so miserable after reading this but you are hella right.

[@mehdin7520]

THIS.

[@enki3627]

Sebastian Elytra on aa

[@mouarfmouarfify]

It's not the point. Of course he/she wasn't the only "one". It doesn't mean that it might be incredibly rare for another relationship like this to occur to you.

[@sf3testvids]

To use a well worn but accurate quote by the master Oscar Wilde.... the truth is never pure and never so simple....

[@iseafools1559]

This isnt only true for exes, but for old friends who we broke contacts with as well.

[@knowledgeiskey1319]

*YES.i moved like 7 years ago, havent really thought about her for ages* Last night I had a great dream about me and my best friend hanging out, talking, having fun, then woke up and instantly grabbed my computer to see what she was up to. This notification was the first thing I saw. WEIRD. right?

[@alessbritish228]

@@atletigrzm5998 That's gross, but they're free to try, chill man.

[@BryanThaddeus]

@@atletigrzm5998 they wont last.

[@iseafools1559]

@atletigrzm This may sound weird, but be glad! Your best friend did you a favor by showing you he isn't such a good friend after all. Sure they are free to do whatever they want, thats up to them. But a good friend respects your feelings and would be reluctant to date your ex.

[@aznmn83]

SaintZ I was thinking the same thing.

[@davemojarra4734]

Spend 10 minutes with them. You'll remember why you broke up.

[@charlotteeolsen8397]

😂😂

[@PeeWee1476]

I dunno. I spent way more than 10 minutes with this person and I loved almost every second of it. Would 10 minutes now really remind me of bad times or would they reinforce good times?

[@ViETxSOULJAx]

That part

[@sfree322]

So true

[@gasdive]

@@PeeWee1476 if it helps, try spending 10 minutes with them explaining why you should get to see your daughter. I've found this completely stops you missing them.

[@MrSkySharks]

Not that I expected different, but it's incredibly reassuring to see others dealing with the same thing right now while being encouraging in the comments. We need more of this.

[@poppy2908]

yes... hard to imagine others are coping with the same excruciating pain...

[@lync254]

That is what we deserve. Someone who knows how we feel. What we feel.

[@kanemcguire4273]

excruciating pain is exactly the way to describe it

[@Pablogomez-oe8uu]

Yes , its true.. in my casi broke up worh my ex a month ago.. so things are not easy. I hope you are doing well after a year..

[@caiosanti4045]

2 months and sometimes it hurts even more but trying my best

[@guapocat203]

So there I was. Driving home at 3am. Depressed out of my mind and missing my ex when I hit a patch of black ice and almost drove right off the ledge and into a river below. Barely missed falling to my death by coming to a full stop inches before the ledge. Slept like a goddamn baby that night. Never missed the ex for a single second after that moment. Met my wife of 10 years the following year.

[@laruriel7419]

OMG amazing story!

[@juliam2049]

thats when you realize you gotta focus on your own life! when you have a moment like that you realize you are youre own person and being depressed about them isnt going to do anything!!

[@juliam2049]

its easier said then done though!! its been 2 months since i posted this and im still anxious and upset, sometimes we dont have those light switch moments sadly...

[@aeiouaeioujajaja1750]

Anger is a better motivation than love.

[@willneale2002]

That’s absolutely mad

[@addaelliott2651]

I love how you say WE instead of YOU, so it feels so friendly and enjoyable

[@HR-ie2hz]

Adda Elliott this is such a good point! We and us! Love it!

[@capitandonculo]

he always does, it always makes me feel so good

[@kristinejoyceaguan4049]

why do i have a feeling that school of life is stalking my private life😩

[@shazarahramesar6395]

I was feeling the same wayyy

[@Cocoandres10]

They have a team of agents following us, don't @ me.

[@davidcraig1299]

I was literally sitting here thinking about how much I missed my ex

[@Minitrashcan6806]

Same I've had this problem for a couple years lol school of life must have known all along and decided today I should put this in his suggestion

[@nealskiski1126]

Tell me about it. I don't think they have access to my mind...but I'm thinking they might.

[@mrskelital691]

The worst part is when you didn't want the breakup, and they leave you for someone else. They have the benefits of a relationship still, and we have to be alone with our own thoughts.

[@williamsum4798]

"The portrait we are painting of our relationship is emerging not from knowledge, but from loneliness and apprehension", I agree.

[@841ONUR]

Knowing the fact that it was the right decision to end the relationship doesn't prevent me from feeling nostalgic. I know I did the right thing by ending it but I still daydream about good memories that we had.

[@j.a.6331]

You're not alone out there feeling like that. It's in my opinion just natural to feel that way. But we're definitely not alone :)

[@kays3956]

i know wat u mean. i was never involved with him. we were n are all wrong for each other. But that doesnt stop me from thinking something was there. I moved on and eventually married. I have a happy marriage. But the sparks remain after 20 years. Why? It doesnt make sense. We started nothing and shared nothing. It felt like unfinished business. Yet it is so painful. There are times I sensed he was sick. And I was right. I will never leave my hubby. Nostalgia does things. Perhaps I found out too late that he was serious about me. Was trying to get tenure before he began anything. I did not know this. By the time he met me again to resume things, I was engaged n still clueless. I never knew how he felt about me. It was too painful that I told myself not to hold back.

[@greenspaceman531]

It's what makes us human, I think. In my case, it feels a bit relieving to hear from the outside that it was the right decision to make. Makes me feel like I'm not insane. My dad would make me feel like I was mad for thinking that it wasn't all my fault.

[@kays3956]

@@greenspaceman531 parents can be our worst critics beside our own selves. sometimes, the timing may be off. sometimes we need to heal n feel worthy again lest all that loving of someone took so much from us. we just need to feel worthy again.

[@greenspaceman531]

​@@kays3956 yeah feeling worthy is really difficult nowadays... at best it makes me grateful for every single thing that my loved ones do for me, but at worst im likely to be used because i dont think i deserve better... so now i just surround myself with good people and i trust my loved ones good judgement if i meet someone new and my judgement of new people is getting better. i hope that things are getting better with in your situation as well - maybe someday you will make peace with the past

[@LLKarla]

Adivice for anyone that may need this: if you just broke up with someone, record a voice note or note down all the reasons why you broke up while it's fresh in your memory. Some months down the line you might feel nostalgic, and want to contact your ex, but if you listen to the vn before taking action, you'll be reminded of all the reasons and won't trip on the same rock again.

[@hgzmatt]

Changing your mind is not a bad thing. Taking the courage to trust again. Some people do find their way back together. Of course I'm just saying this because she left, there is a sliver of hope left and it's keeping me from moving on. I got hurt by this and I didn't do anything to deserve being erased. To this day I don't understand why.

[@ys_8557]

its tough man some people just didnt see us as a priority or rather decided theyre better off without us. you dont deseve this i dont no one does. but its people, its life, happens. hope youre in a better position happy and healthy cheers my man!@@hgzmatt

[@neetikasharma4450]

I think it's comforting to know how so many people go thru similar situations. All the while feeling as if they are alone in their circumstances. You're not. Please don't be mad at yourself for feeling the way that you do. Sit with your feelings.. nurse your pain. It doesn't matter how much time it has been. Be kind to yourself. We're all in this together.

[@juancho2392]

Thank you

[@siomairiceu2510]

💖💖💖

[@victoriad8891]

Ily

[@Daniela-sp6xg]

This made me tear up, thank you ❤

[@gavinsomerville7690]

Screw politics and decisive topics. We need more of this comment section❤

[@sjbechet1111]

“Of course it’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.” - Bukowski

[@Maggieokeefevideo]

So good. I’m stuck on ex from like 7 years ago. Is there any more literature of Greek myths about break ups? Thanks, or finding peace without another person

[@sjbechet1111]

@@Maggieokeefevideo Bukowski isn't Greek - he's a Polish - American artist who wrote beautifully dark prose about the real but less glamorized side of life. I consider it the 'art' in stoicism. This channel does a good take on it. I watched your "Mango Trees" - its good. You might like this - I did kzbin.info/www/bejne/d2XTg2Bjpq-Hmrc

[@sjbechet1111]

@@Maggieokeefevideo and I posted the wrong one about heartbreak - but it's still relevant - this one made me cry a little kzbin.info/www/bejne/qnuafZeodtZ_Zrs

[@Maggieokeefevideo]

@@sjbechet1111 thank you!! yes I know he is polish American, Bukowski. I was just wondering about Greek myths or other historical stories on heartbreak all the best!!

[@jpao1834]

One of the hardest is when she suddenly disappears without saying anything. Constantly asking myself what did I do wrong, what's wrong with me, what's lacking and what I didn't do to make her leave. Then I remembered that in life, there are things that just happens without any explanations or any reasons. *Snap*, it just happens. It's up to me on how to deal with it and go on.

[@mariee_e]

U deserve someone that wants to stay bro

[@supersaiyanzero386]

Happened to me twice. My response was basically "ok this person did this to me? That means I got lucky, that type of person leaving was a benefit to us both. Better sooner than later". Something of that nature. Took a while but eventually it is easy to see it that way immediately now in any situation.

[@dewi9611]

You didn't do anything wrong. It just didn't meant to be. It's okay.

[@ginalolli3477]

That is emotional abuse. She didnt have the maturity to end it properly and give you closure.

[@poet1381]

I've still not gotten over her. It's going to be 5 years now. I realized the mistakes. Mine and hers but the fact that she could just abandon me and block me off from her life so completely murdered a part of me. Day upon day after that homicide of the heart I would dream and wake with her name on my mind and every breath. There was a sizeable emptiness in my chest that weighed the soul with its sullied depravity. To have been loved for the first time in my life and then violently replaced with the ever growing realization I was so utterly and desperately alone. It's been 4 years now. I don't feel that pain anymore but I still write poems for her. There is a part of me in love with that woman of my dreams. I wish I could make up to the calm of solitude and hope once again without the haunting gaze of her forever forsaking eyes.

[@nowisthetime6093]

_The busy bee has no time for sorrow._ William Blake.

[@magsayojane9708]

Aye. But also easier said than done 😕

[@klaudialee550]

Actually, it's William Blake. Still, so true...

[@nowisthetime6093]

@@klaudialee550 Of course. Fixed... Was too busy to check! 😉👍

[@klaudialee550]

@@nowisthetime6093 No worries! Thanks for reminding us all about this great quote! :)

[@sweetwillow028_]

I agree.

[@jimwalsh2001]

Some relationships take years, decades to get over. I've been there.

[@theonlygosha]

jimwalsh2001 maybe because they’re not doing anything with their lives? I mean, a busy bee has no time for sorrow.

[@wizzdom1511]

Decades?!?!

[@isla4953]

@@wizzdom1511 Losing a long term partner can feel like a death

[@auraandrei146]

I agree with you. Not so much in the West but in the East where divorce is still very stigmatized, if one decides to get out or worse has been abandoned some people will never be in another relationship or get married again. IMHO, this is a mindset that victimizes vulnerable people. However, there are folks who really cannot forget someone who was many times their only partner and thus the comparison, etc. I personally understand.

[@MikeJackson690]

Two years and counting for me.

[@ludovicpaulself-helpmore3518]

I think we are idealising our past when we don't have any excitement or hope left for the present nor the future. But, as it is well said in this video, how we see our past in these moments is not the way things happened. We live in the present, will live in the future but we are done with the past. Instead of dwelling on nostalgic memories, we should figure out how to get the best out of the remainder of our life.

[@edgarmachuca08]

Bien dicho Ludovico

[@ourjourneytomentalstabilit4188]

Ludovic Paul: self-help & more Fantastic explanation and well said.

[@ludovicpaulself-helpmore3518]

@@ourjourneytomentalstabilit4188 Thank you! Have a nice day!

[@Mina-qi1pc]

best piece of advice ever!👏🏼 I copied it somewhere to read it once in a while and remind it to myself

[@ludovicpaulself-helpmore3518]

@@Mina-qi1pc Hey! Thanks for reminding me of the existence of this comment! Hope it will help both of us!

[@magdalenapopiela5685]

It was bad when we were together I know that. But now it is even worse. Nothing makes sense, the dates are ok but boring and pointless. Doing new things makes me wishing I could do these with him, telling him about it. I feel empty and numb - there is no solution for my situation. That person is a narcissist who abused me and as a result I ended up taking antidepressants for the last 6 months of our relationship. But I loved him uncodnitionallty. Such experience destroys you inside, takes away hope and the point of living.

[@coolcat6341]

I was thier felt suicidal, didn't recognise my self, he was narcissistic man used me to build him self to go chase his ex, it took 6 month of crying and facing bleak life every day,, it shall pass very slowly but you will never be the same again.

[@myronschabe]

Sounds like you need to develop boundaries - I know I have had to. Don't romanticize that you loved him unconditionally. You love unconditionally that is your tendency. Don't give this other person so much power. You can love unconditionally lots of things: yourself, beauty, a cat or dog etc. etc. The thing is to love that will help heal the heart but it is not necessary to be loved back but don't be afraid of that. Speak with a friend or counselor you can develop some basic intimacy elsewhere and stay connected to the larger sphere.

[@chiaramerlo9746]

Narcisists hurt like Hell. I went towards that. Just keep going, maybe they will come back, you will go back with them, and then in several time realize that you deserve better because you become important to you. It's tricky. Good luck, resist and go on, just take the good and persist in the pursue of YOUR HAPPINESS. There is nothing more important than that. Never stop caring and dreaming, just understand what makes you feel bad and own it not allowing it to happen again to you

[@lar_yza]

It's actually pathetic thinking so. Might be harsh to hear but it is so. When your life revolves around someone completely it can't be love. Love doesn't make us wish to stop living when is not there anymore. Something we consider so beautiful can't have that power. And you can't love an abuser that hurt you. Pull yourself together, give your love to someone who wants it for real. Is fine to be hurt for a while, but not for too long.

[@MTG9878]

Magdalena Popiela you are feeling a trauma bond, especially when it’s narcissistic, his manipulation did this to you.

[@imperiakwan3220]

you will still feel nostalgic towards ur ex even if you think the breakup was a right decision 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@bulldozer0307]

Yuuuuup! That’s the hardest part

[@SuperJacob1989]

My favourite, is putting on school of Life, then scrolling through the comments and finding out I'm not alone in how I feel, the clever humour and extra knowledge and wisdom also common sense others have to contribute to what's being said... You all make me feel better.

[@sofiarosevalera528]

"Nostalgia is a liar in how it montages the best memories while omitting our truth". - Miles Carter (when u decide to leave someone)

[@dhruvsinghal4194]

I sometimes feel like I'll never be loved again

[@OP-xi1hv]

stfu.

[@bookies5309]

OP yikes

[@tteveza]

But it's just a feeling, and it will pass

[@celebratethesacred3654]

That is very normal, it just takes time.

[@meganruchwatercolors7186]

Me too!!!

[@osse1n]

Nostalgia is always a sign not having something going on in life. Life happens for us and we have put on the colours. Not dream of what what but create what can happen.

[@HOMESLICE-fu3kq]

Give me more money to indulge in my libations then.

[@jeremymenning56]

I'll get through an entire day without thinking of her... _almost_ ...and then in the closing moments of being awake in strides a memory of a woman who absolutely shattered my heart. It's been almost four years. I've moved on but my brain just won't let her go.

[@boi798]

how long were y’all together?

[@mayaout7808]

It's ok to think about her. Just hang in there.

[@ProudToBeVeggie]

Jeremy Menning its okay. Its been about 7 months since my breakup and i still think about him every day. I guess thats just life, its learning how to live and move forward with this pain

[@valerieinnyc4719]

Think about her, and then remember she broke your heart, and then remind yourself you deserve better x

[@rimshaabir9988]

Our mind tricks us into believing that what we had is better than what it actually was

[@makotokino27]

I needed to hear this. Badly. Last month, my ex of 6 years died from a car accident. We’ve broken up for almost 10 years now and this news was the first time i’ve heard about him since. We’ve no contact or any update since our breakup. The tragic part that struck me the most is that his family and close friends told me that he never pursued anyone after me. Nobody else was in his heart. This piece of information made me feel the most miserable.

[@AbelleveMe]

Oh dear that's horrible. I'm so sorry to hear. I hope you're doing better :)

[@talesfromthescrypt]

You mourn for the relationship you think you had with them. When in reality it was never there.

[@200135673]

True

[@SuperhumanFitness]

Fuck that hurt

[@sapnasharma8189]

Seriously, and now it's so hard to get over from everything

[@Fedor_Tkachev_Music]

BOOM! so true)

[@nicolenicole6325]

That hurt u know

[@anorbert38]

I never want to go back. It's just the residual mental abuse I need to get out of mind. Thank you for this. It was very helpful.

[@yassinboubay8947]

How u doing now?

[@Szchandler]

when one regains self-love, then one is ready to move on, when we truly love, we forget about ourselves.

[@SuperhumanFitness]

Been 5 months and I still think about her every once in awhile. The person I thought she was in reality doesn’t exist and never did, it’s all made up and it’s all a lie. She has proven this to me now Edit: it gets better over time & with support. Leave your snapchat in the comments if you want me to add you to a mini support group from here

[@MsChaosDancer]

Been eleven years for me. I am even married now, but I still wonder. Especially around the holidays and his and his mom's bday both in January. These are always tough times for me.

[@JoeBrox]

It is strange how we fall in love with the idea of a person or just the idea of love which we really just create in our own mind. And even when it's over we only remember the good things with time. Glad you're getting on with life and realise this. Good luck dude.

[@kaleltheubermensch]

yes, but this is true of everyone. u can never truly know someone just as u can never truly know urself. ur idea of anyone (or even urself) exists only in ur head. it's like a hand drawn map that may or may not match the terrain. idealisation tho is a like a mirage, or like a hallucination of hope. it can be useful tho in pointing u towards things u want.

[@Arianacccosta]

Been a year to me and I still can’t get over . But we surely are recovering bit by bit . Happy 2020 my friend ;)

[@paloma4444]

No they are not on point at all. I do not believe 'the one' exists but there certainly arr special relationships that you will never fond another like it.

[@genrivera3948]

It’s extremely heartbreaking to find oneself waiting for someone to “come home” despite knowing fully that they will never knock on that door ever again... that just when you thought you have somehow overcome this feeling, it hits you like a bomb and you are shattered into pieces all over again, as if everything just happened yesterday when it’s already been a year since you parted ways. But this is healing and it’s a messy process. Whenever nostalgia hits me, I brace myself for its emotional impact. There is nothing I could do but just take deep breaths as the memories hit me one by one. I hold on to myself so tightly so as not to do something harmful to myself. I cry when I feel to do so. The bottomline is stay with myself and breathe in silence.

[@abstract3213]

Be strong💜

[@Matrinique]

Good advice, as usual. However, one of the most miraculous outcomes of relationships is that it teaches both partners to grow up, even just a little bit. Getting back together more mindfully isn't always a bad thing.

[@rizzamaeong]

this.

[@juancho2392]

This X2 I am sick of people telling other people that the sole idea of getting back together with an ex is the most terrible choice a person can make. And everyone buys it. Of course is a choice that people should think very carefully, but it is not something that bad. Although I don't encourage getting back to an abusive ex or if the have been cheated on

[@Maggieokeefevideo]

@@juancho2392 I’m stuck on an old ex from 7 years ago and I have a little hope one day we’ll get back. If life brings me back! But who knows. It’s diff because the ending wasn’t bad. We just kinda grew apart

[@maii.8338]

we only remember the good memories, not the bad ones

[@imahallucination4532]

For those who are still hurting, I wish everyone all the happiness in the world from now on 💖

[@Streetecho07]

Thank u bee ❤❤

[@amandine9318]

You too xx

[@polaroidandroidjeff6383]

Can you do a video about coming to terms with turning 30 ,or just generally not being young anymore.

[@myriadmediamusings]

Agree with this guy, this would be a great video for those on the cusp or already beyond the threshold and coming to terms with it.

[@sebastianelytron8450]

Turning 30 was the best thing that ever happened to me. Felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders about having to prove myself to myself and others.

[@mayaout7808]

Turning 30 is best that can happen to you.

[@crimson3sky]

I feel like I’m already preparing myself for that feeling and I’m only 24 still

[@polaroidandroidjeff6383]

@@crimson3sky you should enjoy it while you can ,don't do what I've done for the last 3 years which is count down the days and dread every moment

[@Richie_Godsil]

I'm prone to nostalgia and sentimentality: thinking back brings me to tears but I know that our relationship was toxic and codependent, and I'm being very unkind to myself for looking back with only rose tinted glasses... I guess I need to give it a little more time 💔

[@christinadolorence167]

*i feel like KZbin recommended this to everyone right when they needed it the most*

[@kasandradiaz8394]

Yea

[@Raw799]

It is truly uncanny how timely School Of Life post videos that intimately relate to my current situation. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

[@peppymia]

What helped me cope is stopping all contact with my ex and reminding myself of all the bad things and reasons why I left whenever I noticed I was starting to get nostalgic :)

[@thereGoMapo]

Nostalgia is that asking of the heart: Could we have broken through the cycle? Could we have become wiser and stayed together living happily?

[@Clodd1]

We miss the comfort zone we were. And here comfort doesn’t necessarily mean good. But it’s easier to keep in a place you already know than start facing an unsure new world. (And im trying to converse myself of this for about 1 year). Feelings are drugs hard to get rid of.

[@chriscaskey6627]

I've been single for a while and I'm fine - but this video assumes that the break up was a mutual decision which is hardly ever the case

[@nicolettem8024]

Oh, this is so weird. OK, I was curious who the well adjusted person on this thread was 😂 and went to your channel, started watching 2019. Ha! No coincidences ever, right? Sigh, the "person who brought me here" is a Canadian man. Thanks a lot Chris! (Is there a crying and laughing combination emoji?) 🥴

[@Achilles94627]

Agreed. Some are more 'mutual' than others, but it's never 50/50.

[@abidemiadenle267]

"We should trust, not what we feel now In our weepy, disconsolate state But what we must have known then" 💯

[@wen2102]

This really hits the nail on the head. After my break up, I was constantly feeling mopey about our relationship and reminiscing the good times we had together, wondering why we broke up and if I had made a mistake. So many times I felt like throwing caution into the wind and reaching out to my ex again. What I did that pulled me through every single time was to tell myself: 1. We didn't break up because he was responsible, gentle, cute, motivated, smart and put family first. ( all the things I loved him for and why we got together in the first place) 2. We broke up because he felt so insecure around me as I am a very straightforward person who doesn't mince her words, and he constantly blamed me for who I am. ( the deciding factor for the break up) My ex was a good person but we were just not the right partner for each other because of (the deciding factor for the break up). Repeating points 1 and 2 pulled me through.

[@Sonnebo]

swiftly: if it indeed had been so so great, it would have not ended

[@user-we8dn5ub9z]

I need this video to detect when I'm drunk and play automatically to convince me to not drunk text my exes 😂

[@rizzamaeong]

haha.. like the app in The Internship

[@ytann]

Nostalgia is the Instagram equivalent of your memories. It just keeps the good ones to flex.

[@pr0fess0rbadass]

That's a good analogy

[@alexandrub8786]

Use my strategy: Don't get a gf to begin with.

[@edgarregalado7469]

One habit that has helped me out with this topic is journaling. Every day I use to write a couple of lines of how I felt that day and what made me have such feelings. This included the period when I was in a relationship. Few weeks after the break up, I find myself weepy and idealizing the person, yet coming back to my journal and seeing how things really were helps me overcome the nostalgia and realize that -probably- the breakup was for the better.

[@belugalalala]

This is by far THE BEST thing one can do… doesn‘t need to be a full page if you don‘t want. Just some words and it‘s crazy how it can help you in so many ways, for yourself, and for future you whenever you get in a situation like this that you need to remember the bad

[@pixxie__]

Hard when he was the one that broke up with me. I couldn't see any problems (that we weren't able to work through). Been 5 years and I still love him.

[@alyssa2891]

I've just made a big decision to change careers, and this video was so helpful. I've lately been thinking, "Oh, I made the wrong choice, I should have stayed in that job." But this really helped me remind myself that I was deeply unhappy, that I had a serious gut feeling, and that I weighed carefully my options before choosing the move. If it was wonderful, I would never have made the very had choice to leave. Thank you.

[@Maggieokeefevideo]

Love this commet. Cheers!

[@swiftblaqness]

This really only works if you were the one to leave in the relationship. I got recently got broken up with and I can't help with being nostalgic all the time. It's been about 3 months, and I don't know that I'll ever love again, at least not in the same way. I'm not remembering things through rose-colored glasses or not remembering the bad things, everything is still very fresh and I was very much so happy then. Probably the happiest I have been in my entire life.

[@byeongjupark]

hey there, how’s it going now ?

[@erne57]

And the best part is that this is going to happen with every person you meet , becouse no person will ever be "good enough" for you , and they will everntually become an ex , becouse as the video says we are complicated and difficult to satisfy and you will always be looking for something that you are missing in that particular relationship , and it will happen with your next partner too and so on. You will never have everything you want from a relationship , at some point you have to deal with somethings you don't like or go from relationship to relationship until you are bitter and tired of it all. To put things into perspective , do you like everything about your friends? what about your parents? what about your sons and daughters ? No of course you don't like every little thing about them , i can bet there are a lot of things you actually hate about them , why are we so forgiving with them but not with someone we supposedly "love" , our "better half". Nostalgia certanly can make some things look better than what they were but i don't think that the moment you decided to end a relationship is the "best moment" or the moment of "clarity" about that relationship , a moment were emotions runs high and reason runs low it's clearly not the best moment to make such decisions. Or maybe i'm just stupid and don't get it , that might be it for sure.

[@chukwunta]

I have always found that the best time to end a bad relationship isn't at the point of hurting from the pain inflicted by the other partner but afterwards, at a higher point when it seems we have patched things, at a point of higher clarity weighing the pros and cons. It hurts your partner but I am never really afraid to be the villan. I have remained a good friend to all my exs and as it turns out they wish me well in finding my true love and are grateful for the insight into their personality.

[@erne57]

@@chukwunta While i do agree with you that it's best to let things settle first and give yourself time to think about the relationship before commiting to any kind of decision , i do also think from what i hear that you will never find "true love" but a bunch of exs that will remain friends with you. It's not about being a villan it's about really thinking about why are you ending a relationship with someone that you thought you love, or else you are going to get in that never endind cycle of being in love and then not being in love.I'm sorry but i can't believe that people are grateful with you for dumping them and then telling you that you gave them a great insight into their personalities , that sounds way too unrealistic. I often listen to people telling me that they are so good and so great at pretty much everything that their significant other doesn't deserve them and i'm like " This guy/girl is delusional , i know you , you are not".Maybe take a look at yourself and why are you ending all these relationships , i don't really believe that you can FIND "true love" but i do believe that one can MAKE and SHAPE "true love". If you are waiting for the perfect partner you are going to wait forever , take a look at yourself are you perfect? do you love yourself ? why can't you not love something that is not perfect if you can love yourself ? What i'm trying to say and not just to you i'm not trying to specifically tell you anything , you have found true love a lot of times it just turned out it was not true love after all , as absurd as it sounds that's what is going on. You found it and you liked it for some time and then you found true love was not perfect , was annoying sometimes , was difficult and it bother you to no end some of it flaws , so you decided that then , it must not be true love the only reasonable answer of course , what if you are wrong though ? what if true love is by default flawed ? Since we are all human beings at the end of the day expecting someone to be perfect for you is just unreasonable , isn't it ? Sorry i do not agree with the romantic idea of "true love" but i think that we find rough diamonds and we have to put the work to make it work and when you put in the work and effort at the end if the diamond is still not as bright not as cool looking as other diamonds , this is your diamond you did this , it's special. TLDR. I still think i'm stupid and just don't get it.Take care !

[@adetayoadegoke]

@@erne57 this is perfect

[@erne57]

​@@adetayoadegoke you mean the tldr or the long wall of text lol , in any case , thanks for reading and take care !

[@TheOmair1234]

@@erne57 wow that hit deep 😭

[@jamnationable]

Thank you for this video. Been two months since I left my long term relationship where I wasn't happy and all of a sudden I've forgotten all the bad parts of it. With renewed indefinite lockdown and no idea what the future will hold I want to go back to the safety of what I knew. Thanks for reminding me to trust the decision I made

[@sobrevida157]

But how do you know when the end is the end? Every relationship (even the one I have with my self) has joys and sorrows and boredom and conflict. And, as I've heard on this very channel, there is no right person, we will have the same, or similar conflicts with every potential partner. How do I know that I'm not, in my mind, amplifying the problems, making them monsters rather than mere troubles? If I think hard enough, I can regret every decision I've ever made. I mean, if my child or pet made me crazy sometimes, I wouldn't get rid of them...why should I do this with my spouse?

[@johnhudson5414]

I was thinking the same, perhaps this person was the soul mate you know they were, perhaps you can decide to address the particular parts of your personality that caused problems, if they can do the same. It's a thinner odds game but if you both love each other dearly and promise to get help because you don't want to be without each other, it can work. If one party is not willing to look inward it never will but if both can, it may have a better chance than just fishing for the next person

[@MichelleC50]

Fantastic ponderings! You're right to ask such questions, alas no one can say when "the end" is the end. It's a decision that each person must come to on their own. In a relationship, both must give in somewhat equal measure for there to be harmony. If one person gives up entirely, putting all the strain on the other person, one should ask if this is worth fighting for (counseling, etc.) if it isn't that may mean "the end" for that person. Only you can decide how much you're willing to give, take, communicate, and endure in ANY kind of relationship. Respect and love yourself first. Then tackle what you're willing to work through with another person. Communication is a great tool for a healthy relationship. ^_^

[@moontan3927]

I was musing about this too. You have each written about this with such eloquence and kindness.

[@sobrevida157]

@@moontan3927 thank you.

[@sobrevida157]

@@MichelleC50 but how? How do we reach that decision? I bet if you asked any couple still together, they would say there were times they almost gave up. . but they didn't. Do you have any advice for knowing when enough is enough? I mean, if she had a physical disease, people would admire me for staying with her. But if she has a mental dis-ease . . . it's different..

[@CCPJAYLPHAN1994]

After 3 years out of a toxic relationship, I'm still depressed, feel out of love, unworthy and nobody likes me. Seems like I'll stay this way for a long time.

[@elephant3680]

the same .. after 4 years, i gave everything , i feel depleted .

[@rubenoliveira5305]

It gets better

[@donmarteng7646]

I love you! Hope you love yourself soon too! You are perfect!

[@CCPJAYLPHAN1994]

@@donmarteng7646 dear Don, and all the friends here, thank you so much, I'm so happy that I've found a new love that is supportive, kind and all-round amazing. It really does get better. Thank you all so much, love you guys!

[@aarongallagher6954]

Gotta love the fact that I have had to deal with this for over 5 years. Some advice would be much appreciated.

[@user-hq5hg6mz2n]

If things were that good you wouldn’t have wanted to leave - the best quote from this video

[@user-le5yw3gb8h]

This was uploaded right when I needed it! Thank you, School of Life!

[@jayachoudhary4184]

I am feeling nostalgic over someone who wasn’t even mine. But i believe that it’s a phase and i’ll get over it. Blessings to everyone ✨

[@alexgess7265]

I broke up with my first boyfriend 6 months ago, and was feeling rather depressed tonight. This really helped, thank you ❤️

[@ManuelGutierrez-zb5xm]

I am not sure this might ever reach you. But THANK YOU. You have helped me immensely and you have changed my life for the better in the moment I needed it most. THANK YOU.

[@anonymousnation5235]

That's so good to know. The uneasiness that letting go and being alone brings is unbearable. This discomfort usually makes us forget why we walked away from that person in the first place.

[@ArrowedDragon]

This is like free therapy. Thank you School of Life

[@olitomar]

A year or so it of a relationship. Thank you for the reminder to remember in a balanced and just way!

[@robertm7071]

I got over an ex much quicker than I thought I would when a very unkind (and bordering on the sadistic) phone-call ended our relationship. When the shock and hurt settled, the resentment of her cruelty ensured I never wanted her back again. Some years later, when two letters arrived - obviously things weren’t going quite so well for her so her mind returned to me - I had no difficulty whatsoever in not answering them. Her unpleasantness was the greatest help possible, but it took a while to realise that, and to realise that it had done me a great favour in that she had shown me her true self, and it freed me.

[@W0genius1]

Thank you. Was in a bad space and grasped at your channel for advice. I immediately found what I was looking for and feel a lot better now.

[@jordanu467]

This explanation also fits perfectly for the nostalgia I carry for my college years and my 20’s.

[@CarliMitch]

This is helping me feel better about my 5 year relationship break-up. 💕

[@lvschindlbeck]

I keep feeling amazed by the breadth of subjects Alain de Botton covers. I feel touched by his delivery everything, which conveys a great deal of compassion for his audience. I certainly have never got an impression of high-browed patronisation. Thank you, Alain, for sharing your insights and understanding.

[@Angelicconnections111]

This was 100% for the best an attachment due to trauma and many lessons were learned. I’m so grateful. Everything is working out in divine orchestration

[@meta1gear4]

Perfect timing. Betrayal by a best friend, close friend and an ex. This just made my day. Onward to kicking life in the ass and moving forward. Cherish the good memories, but also come to terms with the fact that the people that you once loved are no more. They are gone. The people that they choose to be now betrayed you. Accept it. It's difficult but the first step is to get past the gaslighting and see things for what they really are. You might have hurt them, they might have hurt you - there's no going back. Simple. Stop trying to get them back. You're far better than this. Forget about them and live life!

[@waterexisting9651]

I never have wanted to be like Orpheus, so i have always been trying never to look back. I want a real love living now, not a beautiful, dead memory.

[@laruriel7419]

Ohhhhhhhh I feel so called out!! LOL I am such an Orpheus. Did not think of that before. Awesome metaphor, thank you for this!

[@Panini529]

The timing for this video couldn't be anymore spot on. Thank you SOL for yet another life lesson everyone experiences however may not discuss. 🧡

[@xDchannel12345]

I'm going through this and it's extremely difficult. We broke up almost 5 months ago and I'm still nostalgic for her. This was a very good reminder that we broke up for a reason... Very good video.

[@greenspaceman531]

I cut contact with my dad a year ago. There wasn't a day in that time on which I haven't thought of getting together with him again... It feels like a prison sometimes. Thank you.

[@abbie9770]

All I need is to be reminded that the way I feel isn't "wrong." We shouldn't ever be ashamed of the people we love 😓

[@Greatendeav0rs]

I've never clicked on a video so fast! But, one of my best friends and I were talking about this and how it's a dynamic phenomenon of feeling lonely in a current state and not remembering why things ended. Even myself, have noted that most of my nostalgia in this regard is because of loneliness. Yet, with the person I parted with, it was a constant feeling of loneliness and then some because of our lack of effect communication.

[@geekygambler2191]

This video presumes that we left our ex and not the other way round ... What if we were happy and gave our 100% but still were cheated on and broken up with without any fault on our part ... What if we always loved them and were ready to accept them even after being cheated on and still they decided to leave and us and move on ... And they did that with zero guilt and complete lack of remorse ...

[@ChenBritMi]

You deserve better than that jerk who cheated on you. If they could cheat on you with no guilt at all, your relationship was probably a lie. Accept this and let go, this person is not worth your tears

[@geekygambler2191]

@@ChenBritMi I understand what you're saying. And most of the times I have my guards on. But there are moments of weakness. At night, whenever I'm feeling low, or whenever some song triggers old memories, I feel this strong urge of calling my ex. But I have to stop myself from doing that. Because I can't face the fact that my ex is now with someone else. And I Know I deserve better. I must move on. But it was a seven years relationship. Will take at least a couple of months to heal. I fail to understand how a person can change so quickly. How can a nice person turn to a heartless person. Or maybe I was too naive to think that way.

[@ChenBritMi]

Geeky Gambler I’m sorry to hear that! 7 years is a really long time to be together. I guess people do change, sometimes not for the better, or this person wasn’t a nice person after all. I’m sure you deserve better, but also let yourself heal from the pain. It might take months/ years but I’m sure you’ll get through it 💪🏻

[@blondechannel]

So painful. I am sorry he couldn't be honest with you and actually show care by being honest. Very selfish act, he wasnt capable of care....very very hard to accept.

[@StrawberryDaquiris]

In that case he did you a favour. I had this situation and I wasted 17 years on a guy who didn't want to be with me. Why waste precious time on cheaters, non commiters and liars. Now I take control and if something is not right I finish with them

[@nikosaronim]

There are times when I remember how I ended it after much speculation, knowing that our relationship was a lost cause yet still dream of the possibility that I could've been happier had I stayed.

[@stefanstreet]

These videos are saving my life and keeping my sane. Cheers! Needed this.

[@alexislaura9487]

Hello! I understand how you're feeling going through break up I know of someone who will help you fix your relationship issues

[@alexislaura9487]

Do you need help with getting back your ex reanite your soulmate save your marriage from divorce banish third party or manifest your specific person (s.p)??????

[@alexislaura9487]

Chat him 👆

[@eliprenten7066]

Broke up only days ago and yet here they are again with their perfectly timed video as usual...

[@jaimiejin7992]

I'm so grateful for your content. The first time I watched it, I hadn't gone through an adult relationship yet. This time I watched it, I was feeling nostalgic about my ex-boyfriend. In certain moments, I found myself missing the good time we enjoyed together, and it's easy to downplay the issues in the relationship. Most people don't leave a relationship unless the relationship is totally not worth it as we have a tendency to stay in things. The rational and mature thing to do is to not further entangle ourselves and to move on.

[@Fabiola-vv6kj]

The fact that this just popped into my feed is crazy. I just ended a toxic relationship today and it’s just 10x harder when you still have feelings for the person. It’s also easier to move on when they were the ones that messed up.

[@nazcastro1650]

Fabiola same. Broke up with my bf of 3 years just last week. I miss him terribly and I hurt thinking of the good times we had. In that moment I would think it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to call him. When I’m about to sleep, alone with my thoughts, I just remember the good times. But my brain edits out the bad memories: the lying, manipulation, and frustrations. That’s when I come back to earth again. It also helps if you have a solid support group. Count on your friends to validate and navigate through what you are feeling. Sorry I had to unload like that lol. Hoping what I wrote can help you.

[@Fabiola-vv6kj]

Naz Castro that actually helped, how sweet! Yeah I’ve moved on completely now. I just gotta delete him from my social media

[@estuardo1188]

I've been nostalgic since moving from Japan to the US, remembering all the good times I had there. This made me feel better about my decision.

[@PinoGietermaai]

This video is pure gold.

[@3rdcarnet927]

You people are reading minds over there, always put out the content that relates at the right time.

[@smokenondatgoogood]

Learning to love someone selflessly has really helped me. Ive been looked right through by my ex. Even when we were friends for awhile after it ended. smiles,waves,”heys”, all ignored, still love who she was though & wish nothing but the best for her. So, if pretending I don’t exist is what makes her happiest, I figured It’d probably be best to do nothing when I see her out. Not even look in her direction other than noticing her & that’s really really hard cause I think about her. Now after doing so, I no longer see her at all & I guess now I could see how it helped her.. *But the little thoughts/scars will never go away*

[@jasonmiradoli8900]

“The School of Life” perfectly times it’s messages to my universe. I am saving these videos under playlist “The School of my soon-to-be Ex-Wife.” And yes, I bought the “Relationships” book last year. Brilliant yet simple, like most good things. If you haven’t done so, get it. And no, she didn’t read it, nor watch the videos...hence the playlist title.

[@NameAndAnyNumber]

Thank you so much for your videos🙏 There are times when I have no one to talk to about what I really feel and your voice is resonating with reason in my head.

[@breadpitt6386]

Thank the lord for the timing of this video!!! I really needed this 😭😭

[@leonmorinpriest]

I had to end a relationship because I wasn’t able to resolve communication problems with the person I was with. I wanted equal reciprocation but was met with no change. It’s so hard describing this to people because it sounds like I wanted to break up but no.. I tried so hard to make it work to communicate better and apologize for any mistakes and be understanding… however he couldn’t meet me halfway and it was painful… I honestly didn’t want to end the relationship and now I’ll never see this person again.. I didn’t even get to have a final conversation with them. I lived before them so I know I’ll be ok but it is painful because I tried

[@CRISSGRULLON]

I relate to this so much. Even though time has passed and I realize I've lived before and beyond this person no longer in my life it is difficult to find solace in unresolved feelings.

[@individuotipo]

2:22 what a beautiful artwork is La Belle Dame sans Merci, as painted by Frank Dicksee, circa 1901. It looks like a Rebecca Guay's panting for Magic: The Gathering.

[@bookwormwen]

Thank you for this. I have a few ex-friends I used to talk to daily that I haven't spoken to in years. I still think about them regularly, often miss them and wish I could talk to them again. This video is a good reminder that I left for a reason.

[@TheVisualRiot]

How constantly this channel uploads videos that i need to see at that exact point in my life give me serious simulation vibes