How to Stop Gaslighting Yourself | 3 Simple Strategies

This video explores 3 simple strategies you can start using today to undo the damage that gaslighting may have caused you.
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[@itisdevonly]

Finding someone else who can help validate your experience is also helpful for ungaslighting yourself. We're wired to look to others for confirmation that our perceptions are accurate, and if everyone around you is telling you "you're overreacting" and "don't be ridiculous" and things like that, it's very hard to to feel solid in your own truth. Even just having one trusted person validate your experience can be really profound for helping you learn to trust yourself.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Absolutely!

[@OldTimer1970]

Taylor has been that person for me, not to put any pressure on her. But thanks to her, my wife managed to get me to leave the house and go and see my GP. First time I've left the house in months. Getting a diagnosis didn't really hit me, I ignored it, well today I took a big step on working through it and will be seeing a specialist within the next four weeks to plot the course ahead. Feeling very drained, but also a little bit proud. Looking forward to meeting the real me. Couldn't have done this without that validation.

[@ligiapetrut1520]

forI second this. It has been so helpful.

[@lavonnebenson7409]

I need a person in real life !

[@OldTimer1970]

@@lavonnebenson7409@lavonnebenson7409 Feeling that, too, right now.

[@jeffreypollan308]

Yesterday, I received my copy of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People,” a new book by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. There’s a section about gaslighting in the chapter, ‘Death by a Thousand Cuts.’ I haven’t figured out how to set aside time for reading my many unread books, but, in terms of self-care, I’ve been doing Yoga and Qigong, and a little Tai Chi. I know that about the only way I’ll be sure to do it is by doing a live online class. And, my wife and I go on nature walks.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Love Dr ramani’s stuff

[@anniewho4655]

@@MomontheSpectrum Based on my own personal research, it seems there is a lot of overlap between narcissism-related trauma issues and autism. In fact my CPTSD research is what led me to Dr. Kim Sage here on YT, and her videos are what led me to my ASD self-Dx. She is a psychologist who actually self-diagnosed her autism in the process of her own trauma research. I would love to see more content exploring abusive/exploitative relationships for ASD people, because we are extremely vulnerable to get caught up in relationships like that.

[@Kitofthearts]

I can get to a place where I trust my judgment

[@passaggioalivello]

Thank you. Stopping the gaslight will be one of my biggest challenges.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It’s a process for sure. Be kind to yourself. 🙏🏼

[@GruntyHerder]

I love this! I've found that when I'm starting to panic or spiral or question myself, if I ask "What do I need right now?" whether silently or out loud, it helps me on several levels. Depending on what's going on, I might phrase it as "What do you need right now?" I feel heard and seen, and I feel like my needs will be met even if I can't say them out loud. I can walk away. I can get a snack and a drink. I can check in with my breathing. I can wiggle my toes and fingers and feel present in my body. I feel like I have autonomy in the moment. Perceiving my autonomy being taken away is often a trigger, big thanks to my childhood trauma. I have choices, even outlandishly silly choices, and I COULD do them if I wanted. "What do I need right now?" for me, has the implication that adult-me has the power to obtain and provide anything and everything that I need right now. The young-me that's rearing up to protect me (a job she's honestly scared of and not qualified for most times) can be at-ease because adult-provider-protector-me is here to handle this. We got this, sweet girl. Here's a snack, remember to breathe, and cheer me on while I handle this but also do keep those snarky comebacks coming because they are hilarious and you're so clever and I love you 💜

[@johannabjorkell4226]

This is so wise. Thank you for sharing your comment. It helped my thinking a lot

[@dessaarnold7540]

Undiagnosed, just learning. So much hits home. Thank you so much for your work.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re very welcome. Thanks for your comment!

[@carolinagrace402]

Keep learning about yourself. You are not alone.

[@ryan8488]

Thank you Taylor, I always thought I couldn’t trust my intuition, as I was “Too sensitive.” I’m going to start approaching my feelings with a sense of curiosity and change in mindset.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes! This makes me so happy to hear. Give yourself grace as you learn this skill. Growth takes time but is so worth the investment.

[@L5biszz]

Thanks Mom.

[@mortenle]

Thanks for this--it does seem important to be kind to yourself by having patience about trusting yourself after being with people or institutions (religions) that are actually trying to gaslight us. It's hard to see past the years of being manipulated even if some of us have high IQ's. We shouldn't blame ourselves especially since we weren't expecting these players to be manipulating us--I always take forever to dissect situations I had not anticipated.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Yes thanks for bringing institutions into the convo! A very important part of the discussion

[@daoist88]

I agree. Even books can gaslight us.

[@babybirdhome]

It is super important to be kind and non-judgmental to yourself, and the curiosity approach can help with that. It’s so important because if you’re being judgmental with yourself, that’s a solid guarantee that you’re never going to be able to see things for what the really are - it’s always going to be tainted by that little ego-driven voice that’s standing there judging you in your head. It will _always_ get in the way of you ever being able to fully see the truth for what it is, and that will always prevent you from fully recognizing the problem and make it impossible to solve it. You have to be kind to yourself and not judge when you’re in those first steps. There’s plenty of time for judging what you did and how you did it after you’ve identified it and worked on solving the problem.

[@carolinagrace402]

I struggle with autism and it is so hard to live in a world full of people with self control who judge me and call me dramatic for getting upset over little things. I get triggered and it makes me feel guilty, scared and alone. My mother has reached out to a doctor in Seattle who has worked with other autistic people. When I was little I would try and harm myself because the pressure in my brain and my self hatred would cause me to have desires to harm myself. My Aunt is so good at controlling herself and I compare myself to her a lot. She is not autistic but her son is. My cousin is autistic too and he is very broken. But he is also very brave. Autism is so lonely! I hate the words, "Just get over it!" For me being autistic is like my feet being nailed to the floor with someone pressing needles in my back and I can't escape. At the same time other calm people are telling me to ignore the needles and just feel happy, calm, flexible and reasonable. I'm sharing in hopes that others who struggle with autism will feel less alone.

[@kirsikka2749]

Wow I never thought of this as a symptom or trait of autism😮. I have a HUGE difficulty in recognizing when something is not my fault. My brain is in some sort of fixed mode that tells me ”you could have done this differently, and avoided this situation.” And it always somehow makes sense to me. I create logic around the gaslight and then I never question it. This really blew my brain🤯

[@siennaprice1351]

Like I said before, my gaslighting comes from a place of self limitation and self restriction. Not allowing myself the freedom to just be. I no longer doubt myself, but I limit myself. That’s why I invalidate myself. Because I wasn’t allowed to freely express myself. Letting go of those limits will be scary and challenging, but I have 0 doubts that I can get through it! I’ve conquered self doubt, major self hatred, so who’s to say I won’t conquer self restriction and self judgment/self abuse? I WILL NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO TELL ME THAT I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT! BECAUSE I CAN, AND I WILL!!!!

[@neowolf09]

This seems like an impossible challenge but i really appreciate your advice. The trusting my own judgment part is gonna be an issue for sure.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It is definitely a process. It’s been so frustrating for me to grapple with but I promise you it’s possible and definitely worth working towards!

[@rhoward295]

Wow, this hit me so hard because my sister happened to send it to me when I was delving into my journey with regard to a past-through-now trauma 24 years in the making. As I was doing research, I couldn’t get a handle on what exactly I was feeling, but my body was giving me all sorts of odd feedback! I said the words, “What I’m feeling completely makes sense!” I burst into tears. I’m NOT a crier! Anyway, I immediately did a yoga session with Adrienne, and am now relaxing. Thank you for all you do!

[@melanytodd2929]

Yup. The car's my bestie❣

[@melanytodd2929]

My son and i (individually) have done a two week day clinic course in Diadactical Behavioral Therapy. It helped SO very much ❣

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Glad to hear this! DBT can be very helpful

[@melanytodd2929]

👍 He has ASD, also recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. 😢. It's been really tough. But we're getting there... I think...

[@resourcedragon]

I don't know if this is a neurotypical or a neurodivergent way of thinking but I think that I was much more able as a child to spot unpleasant people, I was much more able to work out unpleasant people's motivations than I am as an adult. As we grow up we are taught that we are not supposed to say that "Mr So-and-so is not a nice person." We teach ourselves to suppress what I see as survival instincts. So I am now trying to give those fleeting thoughts a landing pad, so that I can consider them further. I'm trying to learn again to stop ignoring them.

[@ashmac87]

I'm in the process of unlearning all the gaslighting. I use affirmations like "I trust myself." I make a point of connecting with my intuition as well. It's hard at first, but it gets easier! Don't give up!

[@Bladebrent]

One thing that helped me when im doubting or second guessing myself, but might not work for everyone, is to exaggerate the worst case scenario if you're hesitating with something. Say you want to ask for a glass of water, but you're worried that its rude to ask, imagine the person you're asking Screaming; throwing a fit. "HOW DARE YOU ASK FOR A GLASS OF WATER! YOU KNOW WHAT, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. IM BURNING DOWN YOUR HOME TOO." We tend to exaggerate situations in our heads already but cranking it up to 11 sometimes illustrates how dumb the situation is. Like if someone was *actually* that offended with you asking for a drink of water, they probably wouldnt be someone you want to hang around anyway. Like I said, I dont know if this advice will help with everyone but it did help me. i think all the self gaslighting made me hesitant to do alot of things but this is one that helped me personally.

[@kensears5099]

Excellent. I've rewound so many experiences, since earliest childhood, where I said or did something that left me, because of the reception I got, feeling forever humiliated and an utter misfit, outcast and fool. And, though I hadn't verbalized it yet the way you did here (which is so helpful), I have indeed, in my own way, been replacing the dead-end "Oh why, oh how, could I have been so stupidly clueless?" with "What was I perceiving then that made sense to me that others didn't, and how did my autism create my totally different-angle approach to that? And what were my needs then, that went into my behavior, that nobody else was equipped to perceive?"

[@kensears5099]

Oops: it should be "...that made sense to me but didn't do others..."

[@Zoe-es8ve]

Trauma informed yoga is one of the best things I found. Everything is offered and there are always alternative options given.

[@chrisboyd4433]

Something that helped me to find my patterns was the book UPLVL Communication by Kenya K. Stevens. It also helps to explain why we aren't responsible for other people's feelings and emotions.

[@miravlix]

My mommy and daddy, larger family and anyone else gaslighted me due to being undiagnosed, but it was at least by accident and not design. They just tried to make me "normal" and broke me in the process, so now I'm lost and so old I basically can't say anything about it, because then I'm telling them they have treated me badly for my entire life and that is not going to go down well. What scares me is when people is able to take advantage of our nature and make you do stuff and the action of the person manipulating us doesn't qualify as criminal, so even when we complain they just tell us it's our fault for letting them do it.

[@userone7057]

0:00 [intro] Uno scroller 0:42 [First] become aware of your patterns... 2:24 [Second] validate your experiences through the use of affirmations... 4:40 [Third] reconnect with your body 6:08 [outro] 🎉"...you're the only person who knows what's its like to be on your shoes at this moment"🎉

[@johannabjorkell4226]

Thank you, this is super helpful!

[@michaelthompson5967]

Thank you. I really needed this today.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome. Glad this was helpful.

[@heatheremma3471]

I love this. Self compassion.

[@maggierestivo5256]

Love this, as well as your previous video about gaslighting yourself. Could so relate, as I do it all the time. Second-guessing, especially. What you said about listening to your body really resonated with me, as well as having curiosity. I experienced this last year, as I went to a social event (conference) without my husband. I noticed that as I approached certain people, my hand would actually shake. I listened to my body and quietly left the party. Felt much better after I did that. What I got from that was that my biggest way of understanding people was through feeling their energy (I am an Empath, a Physical Medium and Wiccan, as well as an AuDHD). It is so important that I learn to listen to my body, to trust my intuition. I can tell when an entity is dangerous but am still learning how to tell if a living human is! Ironic, that. Thanks again for your videos, so much food for thought, and yes, I need to do affirmations much more, have gotten away from that lately, but need to get back to it, they really do make a difference!

[@jenagade6883]

I usually don't like affirmations because they just don't sit well in my head, but your ones do and I really needed them as I'm very recently diagnosed and in a tailspin at the moment.

[@lynncohen1297]

Thanks! This is very helpful as I face a difficult conversation with a very accomplished gaslighter.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You've got this!

[@angelacarstensen]

This is incredibly relevant to my current life situation. I started out the year with the resolution to become more authentic (again) and I am struggling a lot with what feels like self-gaslighting. So thank you very much for talking about the topic. The affirmations resonated intensely with me!

[@nadinerichings4259]

I really appreciate what you do, Taylor. Your content is so helpful and meaningful because it comes from lived experience and real knowing. I'm self-diagnosed, which seems to come packaged with "Gaslighting". I have never understood myself better than within the last year and your content has been instrumental in supporting my understanding and self-acceptance. But the rest of the world of the world is dismissive and judgemental, and completely ignorant to what autism is and how prevalent it is. So they gaslight. I am finding more generic ways to get people to consider and include neurodivergent thinking and responses, and avoid using the word 'autism', but it's a slow strategy with little impact. Over the last week I have gone through a very traumatic personal experience, with someone close to me (my niece who is like a daughter) acting in a very self-focused way and not including me in a decision that is life changing for both her and me. I'm so deeply hurt, and I went non-verbal and into an autistic meltdown, and had an intense need to just walk. My two dogs certainly enjoyed the 3 hour walk! Others cannot understand the intensity of my response and pain. So I'm being gaslit and not supported. All in a setting of trying to continue with other things (I.e. work) as if I'm fine. It's 5 am and I have tossed and turned all night (the pattern for all but one night in the last week) and I found this video on KZbin. So helpful. You mention the naivety in our processing and interpretation, and this is critical in my current situation - my expectations and beliefs are so pure and absolute, and it's clear to me that she should have done a much better job at communicating with me, and including me. That would have respected our relationship and considered me as an important person in her life. But she claims her efforts were enough - a couple of calls to me while I was in a meeting and my phone was on silent; no voicemail, no text, and no follow up when she saw me hours later. Instead, the next day she informs me she has an offer of public housing and will be moving out over the next few days. She has lived on my property in a 2-bedroom unit for the last 18 months with her toddler daughter (now 2.5 yo) and pets, after leaving her partner because of family violence. For 18 months while living at my property, she could find me when she wanted to talk to me about something; she would just persist until she got me. But this decision - life changing to both of us - no, 2 calls only, no more time. So lots of other people knew, but I didn't. I felt excluded and discarded. Anyway, the content in this video helped as it made me think about our naivety - this situation is so painful to me because of that attribute and processing perspective. While others don't have that attribute, their perspective is less naive, less pure and more accepting of her efforts being enough. While in their mind I'm being too sensitive, I'm overreacting. My niece is gaslighting me, others are belittling my response. And now I am trying to gaslight myself. This 'comment' is more of a journalling experience - sorry. But at least I feel I now may be able to fall asleep - it's 06:00...

[@ashmac87]

Lol, I also talk out loud to process things. Usually, it's an upsetting memory from childhood that I'm remembering and having a new perspective on. Especially since I realized that I'm autistic, I'm remembering a lot of things that happened and realizing they weren't my fault. It's like the entire picture is revealed.

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

Realizing my worth helps. Adds weight to my declarations of narrative - if I say as much, so it is. The problem is that this highly masculine and kingly force works the other way, too; I can be a real disciplinarian to myself when I make mistakes. Regardless, the rule of my law shall be that I am my ultimate ally, and that even my more strange or self-destructive actions have helpful intentions.

[@Imperfect_Eric]

Thank you for both gaslighting videos

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're welcome! I hope they were helpful for you.

[@mickietqb]

The word “why” doesn’t always literally mean “why?” Once I realized how people use the word “why” in different ways, it helped me decode other people when they said “I’m just asking why.” Surprise, they were not simply asking “why.”

[@nuravoid7096]

Thank you this felt like a blanket.

[@lavonnebenson7409]

This helped me a lot

[@enfieldjohn101]

Very helpful!

[@IllyDragonfly]

I am trying to be more aware of my own emotions, like when I get sensory overloads. If somebody is upsetting me I take a step back from being with this person, think about the situation to see if I overreacted and if I feel that my upset is still there I will try to not hang out with that person.

[@LexAnnalyn]

“I can learn to trust my own judgment.” I love this. It’s honest, more believable when you’re just starting this journey. I can learn to trust my reality and experience. I can learn not to put others’ reality and wants and needs (or my assumptions about their reality) ahead of mine all the time. I can learn to see red flags for what they are and not excuse them away. I can learn to trust my instincts. Seems really, really hard, but I can. …I should probably write this somewhere.

[@RanDom-bk8tt]

Thank you so much for sharing ~~ seriously so helpful 🙏

[@gabi-sv3dp]

Thanks you i think i need to Here this at this exact moment ❤

[@maryhazlett]

Both of the ono products are on their way.

[@MichellekittensTryOns]

When I get overwhelmed… my son has said something I really appriciate; “ mom are you safe?, do you have everything you need? Yes yes n yes? Ok move fwd lol

[@iSkulk]

A new ONO fidget???! Let's gooo my week is made.

[@lavonnebenson7409]

You are awesome

[@amitkremer7439]

hi, I would like to ask as a self-diagnosed autistic how can I trust myself in this regard? how can I know I am not wrong about it and I will trust myself so much to the point I might discover I am not autistic and I just thought I am. how can I prevent that from happening?

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I would be surprised if you come to the conclusion that you were no longer autistic as a result of trusting your intuition. I guess there are no guarantees, but I’ve learned if I can’t trust my intuition I can’t trust anything! Our own internal compass is the most important guiding factor in our lives. Learn to respect it and trust it and it will add depth and fulfillment to your life!

[@amitkremer7439]

@@MomontheSpectrum I think i wasn't clear enough, I am talking more about the fear of going to official diagnosis in the future after thinking i am autistic for so long only to discover i am not. Thats what scares me. But actually i think your answer applies to that as well. Thank you anyways for your answer and your amazing content.

[@sallie4str]

The whole world seeks to destroy us, both NDs and NTs. The only way out is through radical love. I am trying to practice this through Christianity. I have joy on this path. I know this is hard to look at for those who were gaslit through religion... I'm sorry for that... God loves us and wants to have a relationship with us. I have so many examples of telling the truth to others, right or wrong, who can't hear it, and I got burned for it. There are times that I kept my mouth shut to keep from getting burned- right or wrong. I'm still learning... God loves us no matter what, whether we are telling the truth or not, and for whatever reason. Knowing that we are loved inspires us to tell the truth and for the right reasons... and we will make mistakes. That is ok. ❤

[@S.G.W.Verbeek]

Man, I feel for these people without Christ😅 they are such a bore and a hassle 😴 They need constant rescue 😪 give me a break🙏 Anyway. I live this verse. Matthew 5:22 However, I say to you that everyone who continues wrathful with his brother will be accountable to the court of justice; and whoever addresses his brother with an unspeakable word of contempt will be accountable to the Supreme Court; whereas whoever says, ‘You despicable fool!’ will be liable to the fiery Ge·henʹna.

[@gonewithdacats]

I record myself on my phone of just talking and venting so I can break down why I am upset and the triggers and how to change that

[@roberttravers7587]

Great video!😁

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks!

[@ligiapetrut1520]

See the first video on signs you're gaslighting yourself and do the exact opposite of those.

[@Moontemplemama]

I’ve reported impersonating channels- sick people

[@johnrainsman6650]

I'm really in pain right now. I'm tired of being autistic. Being a scientific subject, like a caged animal. We autistics aren't considered human beings are we? We're _just_ autistics_ aren't we? We're subjects to study, research, and analyze. Do you know why we get so much attention, sympathy, and concern from others, especially our parents? Because we're inferior, that's why. Because we're not right. Because our brains are wrong. Because we are different, weird, and psychologically abnormal. I get it. Well, congratulations, neurotypicals. You're normal, better, and winners. I am crying as I write this. I'm a loser. An autistic freak.

[@fintux]

Just because neurotypicals are the majority, doesn't mean they're better because of that. It's just that the society is built for the majority, and accommodations usually come as afterthoughts. If autistic people were the majority, then allistic people would be the ones who would need accommodations and subject of scientific study. "Why do they need to interact with so many people to feel whole? Why do they only show shallow interest to things? Why do they lie so much? Why they only learn from other people's example? Why are they so fuzzy about everything? Why are their senses so undertuned?" Being different can make life harder, but it doesn't make anyone abnormal or inferior, it just makes one different. And what a boring place the Earth would be if we all were exactly the same.

[@johnrainsman6650]

But that's the thing. People ALWAYS call us autistics different, but they never elaborate or clarify. How are we different? I don't understand. I need the answer

[@fintux]

@@johnrainsman6650 autistic people are equally different from allistic people than allistic people are different from autistic people. I don't know if it will be ever possible to compare the difference how people experience the world, because you cannot swap brains. But from what I think is autistic people experience senses usually more strongly (or also in some cases and some senses, less strongly). If you have heard about the theory of monotrophism - that is something many believe explains quite well the difference between autistic and allistic people. And allistic people tend to absorb information and fill the gaps, and do that quite automatically, which helps navigating social situations, but also can lead to false assumptions and jumping into conclusion. I'm relatively new to autism topics, so I don't know if I can offer much more information than this on the topic. Hopefully it was at least little bit helpful!