How your narcissistic parent shaped your life story

[@NarcSurvivor]

Narcissistic parents can affect everything about you. Your self-perception, your self-esteem, and even the choices and decisions you make in life. Having a narcissistic parent makes you far more likely to end up in relationships with narcissists and to be targeted by narcissists in the workplace. It can potentially shape the rest of your life. Unless you become aware of it and you set strong boundaries. Narcissistic predators can sniff out your childhood wounds. They look for vulnerabilities in people and exploit them to gain control.

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

There should be a course in schools just on the education of the narcissist.

[@tcasvarieties520]

@DrRamani great job ❤❤

[@shykeylabynum9724]

I swear this is my life I was physically assaulted by a neighbors baby father, she made him do it because he was homeless living off of her and her other two children. Ever wear I moved I'm dealing with narcissistic people who I consistently call the police 🚓🚨 they didn't even arrest him smfh...

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

People can smell fear

[@tcasvarieties520]

@@breakthroughmoment1647fear where dear?

[@realhealing7802]

I had to be an obedient servant. I learned early in life that I had to work for approval and love. I meant nothing to them. There's no love in a narcissistic family system.

[@Matriarch57]

Yes, that can be quite complex. I never got approval or love for being an obedient servant. It was expected of me. I lived in fear of what would happen to me if I didn’t live up to those expectations.

[@Angellightrose]

same... I'm writing a book called Free about it. You might relate to it

[@Melissa_John3_16]

Obedient servant… This just brought up a new memory! (These are minor but I forgot about this!) I was required to refill their drinking glasses. If I was in my room minding my own business, they would holler for me. My job. My toxic mom refused to cook. Her toxic mom lived with us and did all that. When I was old enough I wanted to help with dishes. That became my job. I swear every pots and pans were used for every meal that she cooked. My toxic grandmother had a “bad back” (aka pain pill addict). Her chiropractor recommended back rubs for the pain. Yes, that became my job. Over time she increasingly became less clothed during these. By the time I was in high school she would completely disrobe. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Back story- I already had issues with my mom and nudity since I was 6. I asked where are your clothes and she raged at me for a long time. Once I learned how to hide my embarrassment, she didn’t do it as often.

[@Se_Nyx]

True. No love whatsoever. If you die prematurely they will fight over whatever you had, and literally throw away anything sentimental if it had no monetary worth. Nsister I had a dog who we had to put down because he had cancer, and upon returning she had thrown all of his belongings into the bin, and reorganized the furniture as if he'd never existed. I was heartbroken. I rescued a toy of his and still have it now, 5 years later. Of her many threats, she threatened many times that if I didn't do what she wanted then she would have him put down (when he was healthy). She mistreated many animals (including her own), and if you told her no she would say she can do whatever she wants. Nmother Excused anything and everything NS ever said, did etc even EA of me. She provided excuses - BS must have had a bad day, bad sleep etc the latter of which was always my fault because I was the scapegoat at the time. NM never showed love or affection and now only contacts me when she needs something. I had a stroke and her response on seeing me was to make some toast. Then a day later took me to the local minor injuries unit. I have recovered well because a) I was lucky b) I knew I could not rely on anyone and so had to look after myself (and the sheer fear of being disabled and reliant on them).

[@Se_Nyx]

​@@Melissa_John3_16that thing with the glasses - they did that with me but with coal fire. So they were in the room and I wasn't - they'd absolutely rage at me for letting the fire go out or not putting more coal on - like I was psychic. When I asked them to let me know when it was low it was like I was questioning them, and so more rage.

[@lila26780]

Being quiet and obedient when you really wanted to speak up about being belittled by them.

[@marymonthei250]

“Be seen, not heard.” “That’s back talking”

[@marymonthei250]

I feel seen ❤

[@MiMi-og4wx]

I agree.. Be quiet and do as you’re told and DO NOT VOICE your emotions or you’ll get the crap knocked out of you..

[@WriterK]

We all are here to hear you out now, today and forever. I se you and I believe you.

[@maryyoung4046]

@@marymonthei250 I know right dear I knew that about be seen and not heard so I took it a step further well if I have to be seen and not heard I'm going to be not seen and not heard so I threw myself into my music and writing and wrote about my bad relationship with my dad and stuff like that.

[@heymickey4125]

I was an alcoholic for 20 years. Never could fully quit until 6 months after narc parent died.

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

I was also an addict! Hooked on pain pills! Been clean 7 yrs. Please go read the article “psychological murder, death by covert abuse”. Just google that title and it will come up. It says how most of us either r come an addict or unalive ourselves. It’s very spot on!

[@silvereagle2787]

My mother was a narcissist, so naturally my ex was a narcissist. I drank heavily for the last 10 years of my relationship. I quit drinking the day I left my ex and have not had a drink since.

[@JanTe007]

I stopped sucking my thumb at 55 post narc demise

[@maryyoung4046]

@@JanTe007 I can relate I stopped sucking my thumb later than toddler age also either plus I've got other habits that I'm still doing that aren't the best just they're just too embarrassing to talk about that's all.

[@maryyoung4046]

@@thelordcomanderwhocriedwolf I can't comprehend pictorials or icons very well I think the first one's a heart; and the last one's a hug I think; the one in the middle looks like it looks like a bandaid or bandage - if that's right, what's that for (if you don't mind me asking)? thanks.

[@AH-wx1rt]

Just now at 45 years young realizing wtf really went down my whole life. It's heart breaking and now I isolate. Not giving anyone the chance and not going to go thru anymore hurt. I'm actually happy alone. Just want to be left alone. Parents were way way over bearing narcs.

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

@AH-wx1rt that is me to a “T”!!!!! I realized what was going on at 43. Right after having my eyes opened I went no contact. It’s been 6 yrs and never looked back. It’s me only now. My 19yr old son lives at home with me, but other than my kids, I’m always alone and like it also. I had to comment cause I read your comment and it’s so me!

[@AH-wx1rt]

@GaganMilanianfriends me too! I have my 7 yr old at home. 3 adult children off on their own and 8 grandkids. Their the only ones I want around. They also realized that gma and GPA were off their rockers and now see how they conditioned them to believe lies about me and rewarded them for lying about about me etc etc smfh but now I love my peaceful bubble. It's all I ever wanted

[@loraneilson1698]

I hear you.... I am 3yrs now no contact. I have one friend that understands me. ME. I am greatful for Dr Ramini. Stay cool and groovy.

[@hibiscus1974]

i’m a scapegoat since very young age, now i’m 51, so true, they are very delusional and cruel

[@maryyoung4046]

Except for my best friend Marion I just want to be alone too.

[@homefryniles3983]

Instead of a cardiologist, doctor of that internal organ, you became a doctor of the soul. Now that's a calling. I'm so glad. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[@sheilashaver]

The narc parent will never be happy. You do you and be happy,

[@thelordcomanderwhocriedwolf]

🫂❤️‍🩹❤️‍🔥

[@earthrooster1969]

6:26 being successful but NOT too successful...that hit hard! I always wondered why my parents and siblings wanted me 'financially independent' but never celebrate my career successes...but often time recall 'failures' from my past!!!

[@chrisd3637]

I also commented this!! I think I've always had a natural drive and ambition to be successful, but then that fear kicks in of not being TOO successful! Can't outshine anyone! Always have to accommodate etc.. etc... Now I know where it stems from!

[@OmniTarget13]

Having a narcissistic parent really made me question my identity at every turn because I was constantly told who I should be, how I should act, and what I should value. I lost sense of who I am and made me doubt myself all the time. Even now, I feel stuck when I have to make decisions making me feel indecisive all the time because I’m scared I’ll choose wrong or that someone will judge me for it. It’s like I’m always hearing their voice in my head, telling me I’m not good enough, as I’ve spent so much of my life trying to please them or push back, and I never stopped to figure out what I actually want.

[@Torako75]

So true of me, too. I'm trying to piece together who I really am and kick the narc who's never satisfied out of my head, and it's really challenging and time-consuming.

[@LindaMcLean513]

It is so hard. You cannot unhear what you have heard. When you are called specially on your 18th birthday, you hope it is for a gift. You did not realise that is only for a lecture about what Mum had to give up for the last 18 years. And NEVER EVER to come back and ask for help!!! Thrilling!!

[@bereal6590]

They instill self doubt, it keeps adult children stuck, just what they want to elevate themselves.

[@mindkindmom]

@@LindaMcLean513 That must have been devastating to hear on your birthday. Hope you are faraway from that and doing better.

[@curiouslypuzzled4740]

This is my story too😢

[@sushmayen]

They interfere in every aspect of your life it seems as if your life is not yours anymore. They even dictate when you should breathe.

[@hourofhopetv2872]

At 31yrs I recently discovered and had to put a stop to it

[@coolrae1979]

On my way home from work today I was told what I should do when i got home to relax. Then I said no I'm going to a food truck and taking a nap. Then she tried to tell me what to eat at the food truck. I'm 45. Yesterday she cried that I don't want to talk to her. We talk twice a day minimum. My health is failing from stress. Idk how to get out of this.

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

I’m 43 black male and begun therapy in 2020 to heal trauma from childhood. I have a narcissistic mother and father, toxic family in which I was the scapegoat and blacksheep of both sides of family. Molested by 3 different people as a child for years in which one of them was an uncle, also I’m gay licibg in the south, and right now I am dealing with cancer… so yeah lot of trauma… I’m still waiting for somone genuine to come into my life and actually see me… I been through all that above and yet I still people always come up to me and say I have the biggest smile or i have great energy… I allow people to be who they are without judgment and now I learned since 2020 to trust myself and not seek validation … I love how no matter all I been through I still have hope that I will fall in love and have friends that love me… I can’t lost the hope cause it’s the only thing that I had to keep trying And keep smiling.. sometimes I think that part of my purpose in this life was to give the love I never had to others … and in another life or world or dimension I have all that love

[@nancycampbell1695]

My heart goes out to you. Admire your strength and willingness to heal and keep the faith. God loves you. 😊

[@Cupcake44689]

We just need to make sure that the receivers are worthy of our gold. Don't waste it on the loveless.

[@kishaross]

Sending prayers your way! 🙏🏾

[@Samuel_L.B]

You are are beautiful soul and you did not deserve the trauma that your parents put you through. The fact that you are still here and doing your best to live your authentic life is a victory in and within itself. I may not know you personally but I am proud of You. Let me say it again I AM PROUD OF YOU! ❤❤❤

[@jswjanjan]

💕💔♥️

[@christelleny]

Isn't it fascinating that everything we are, the good (hyper empathy, agreeableness, etc.) and the bad (lack of self, self-worth, boundaries, etc.) is actually a trauma response? ALL of our brains are formatted in our childhood. Our core personality is formatted in our formative years. Often, finding out that we're in a narcissistic relationship allows us to put a finger on things we never had a name for. It's heartbreaking to realize how little a say we've had in our life. UNTIL NOW. We now have the tools we need to break the cycle and become mold breakers, generational-curse breakers, and light bringers. We don't have to stay stuck with who we were made into, and do the same to our children. We can keep the good and work on leaving the bad behind. IT STOPS WITH US!!! ❤

[@nevillekalume127]

I became an obedient, problem fixer and helper. Always drop my needs for others...

[@Plumduff3303]

I became a clown. It was the only way to survive my angry miserable parents. I grew up seriously screwed up.

[@LPoppy2023]

Me too!!!!

[@Plumduff3303]

❤❤❤❤​@@LPoppy2023

[@Plumduff3303]

​@th❤❤❤elordcomanderwhocriedwolf

[@DetOxiKATEd]

They made me feel small so they could feel big. But I dont feel small anymore. I feel grateful I'm out, and even better, I feel grateful I'm not them.

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

I had an abusive childhood, so thought my adult relationships were "normal" but I did try so hard, for many years, to *fix* my narc husband... Encouraging him to therapy, supportibg him through tantrums etc. But nothing ever changed. I only learnt what gaslighting was at 37. They should teach it at school. Knowing the behaviours had patterns and names was SO validating!

[@irrationalpie3143]

I'm sorry to hear that. I also only learned about gaslighting in my 40s, thanks to Dr. Ramani's channel. I hope you have a happy life and find healing. There is still plenty of life left to enjoy!

[@naturalist369]

I grew up as a natural caregiver feeling there were always others worse off than me that needed my help. I enjoy giving and being empathetic. However, being and growing so attuned to the needs of others, I wasn't used to considering my own needs or need for boundary setting, just going with the flow that presented, I suppose not realizing fully that I could create my own flow. This, I am realizing for myself now. This video brought me more understanding of the effect of my narcissistic mom and emotional neglect and abuse. Thank you Dr.Ramani ! Bless you and all those here! Sending Love and Light ♥️🌟🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫

[@earthrooster1969]

❤

[@naturalist369]

@@earthrooster1969 🥰♥️🙏🏼

[@naturalist369]

@@earthrooster1969 ♥️🌟🎶🙏🏼😇🕊💫

[@MaureenWHamblin]

I was the child that kept trying and trying until I had a breakdown. Now I only live for me and my kids!!

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

I’m 49, been NC for 6 yrs now. Opened my eyes at 43 thanks to a youtube channel called “narcissism survivor “. I sat and listened to his videos and that day, reAlized my whole life story! I was always left out of everything and was always isolated. My narc mom and GC sister talked about me multiple times a day and to everyone they could. My nieces and nephews wouldn’t even speak to me, now I realize WHY! My GC sister is 44 and we have NEVER had a relationship at all, my mom kept us seperated our entire lives. We weren’t allowed to play together or talk! My GC sister is EXACTLY like my mom now!!!! It’s a sick dynamic and glad I’m out!

[@pauline-v3b]

Yea all my life too, isolated in my room terrified to come out because of a toxic abusive narcissitic stepfather and a mother who allowed the abuse and stopped talking to me age 9, I've attracted them my whole life, mother in law, friends, work places. Now my mother and one of my son's have kept my 9 year old grandchild and I separate, all our love & fun is in the past and filled her head with bad stories about me.

[@SarahHill-jh6gs]

My sister is a toddler and my stepmother definitely planned this sick path for her. But often times, the parent has more control than the sibling, even when they clearly are evil and isolating the child from other people. This is why some younger sibings hold resentment of the older siblings that left the toxic family dynamic. I'm sorry, sister, but I have no choice but to leave! I'm planning it now.

[@MakaykayLAMB]

I really appreciate that you talk about your own experiences too. Hearing you say you felt imposter syndrome because you didn’t become a physicist etc etc like your parents wanted blew my mind because YOURE A DOCTOR. but that just goes to show the number that having narcissistic parents has on a kid.

[@michellegarrett7856]

When you try to voice your opinion...or God forbid disagree with them

[@ranirathi3379]

my narc sperm giver has this "i'm gonna get a heart attack and die just coz you can't stop bringing up old stuff" as his final escape when i DON'T HOLD BACK how his narcissism destroyed me. and i roll my eyes, can't care less.

[@kimdelaney8359]

56 years of fighting back against a horrible mother, 2 years free and so glad.

[@LJH662]

3 weeks free

[@nicholelevine629]

When I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, it was obvious that my mom resented me, even though she appeared to be very supportive. Underneath it all, I felt her true feelings. Her true energy.

[@bereal6590]

Same here.

[@aynilaa]

Same!

[@ravernastahl8963]

What I am hearing Dr Ramani saying about this child of narcissistic parents, is the child’s loss of their own authenticity.

[@txsherrie]

8:30 oh geez. You finally hit mine on the head. I was told by a counselor nearly 40 years ago that I was needless and want-less.

[@IAmRoshniKhanna]

Same here!

[@PKandChico]

Listening to this as I drive to Virginia. I had to pull over to write this comment. Dr Ramani, for me, this is the single most informative and helpful video you have ever done. This is exactly where I am at. I have been excavating and searching for all my pieces, try to put myself back together for three years now. It has been extremely difficult and rewarding at the same time. I don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again, to be honest. I don't know how to not be my "survival persona". Until then I can't really trust myself to take care of me in a relationship. In the meantime, I've partnered with a tiny dog named Chico and I've never had a better relationship🙂 Thank you so very much for this information ❤

[@agnieszkaponka2305]

I did become a physicists. Saw all the narcs in academia and ran far, far away. Now I'm just a simple tutor and life feels like life

[@hautecouture2228]

so many of them in academia. they all worship the devil at masonic temple. that’s how they become professors

[@ranirathi3379]

that's my story too. like, 95%. i was just working on getting my doctorate in biochemistry and all i saw around me was 1. narcs in academia. 2. normal (not narcs) in academia having gotten none of the recognition and appreciation for their career ending up bitter and resentful and that coloring every aspect of their lives. both groups lived to only have consumption-addictions from their fat paycheck to show for miserable lives. seeing them i realized THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE in my life. less "successful" but happier works better for me.

[@29Janice]

OMG, Dr. Ramani! You have hit the nail on the head. This was my childhood. Now, at age 71 I am learning about who the heck I am. It is super painful to go through! 😢😢

[@evelinabacker5497]

Youre so strong doing this in that age, sending you energy you are doing great! 🤲🏼

[@29Janice]

@@evelinabacker5497 thank you. I have to do this in order to live.

[@lesliejoyce1944]

This is so good. Narcissism is systemic, including mental health care and social work. Acknowledging narcissistic systems is crucial.

[@hautecouture2228]

what is crucial is for people to make a spiritual link. narcissism and psychopathy are demonic possession and we are in spiritual warfare

[@Kezz0088]

The timing of this is uncanny! Have just in the last few days had a situation that led me to realise that I’m not seen or cared about for who I am in my immediate family. I felt really heartbroken about it but this video has put all of this into perspective and I feel so much better about it all! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge for those of us further back on this path, you’re making finding the way that much easier!

[@stillaworkinprogress2147]

Having a narcissistic dad and an enabler mom made me unable to cope with bullying at my new middle school. I did not feel that I could turn to my parents to help me cope or trust them to take my side. My mother (the enabler) told me often that I was "too sensitive" and my dad - well, I could never count on him being on my side or giving me comfort as I felt I was a disappointment to him. Per my dad, I couldn't clean a horse (we had a horse ranch) as well as my sister or ride as well as my brother and I didn't bring home the ribbons/trophies from horse shows like my brother. It felt like it was my fault that I was bullied because I was such a loser. My first husband was a narcissist as well as a fiance who I finally recognized was a narc. I felt lucky that I had such a good marriage & friendship with my dear second husband for 34 years. He died last year and I felt like some of the confidence I had gained in myself died with him.

[@NovaPrincess]

I love these 20-minute videos. I prefer long-form content. What you have to say is too precious and too important to cheapen by a tiktok or snippet. Don't feel self-conscious that we won't stick around. For those of us whose lives you've saved, this information is invaluable. Thank you, as always, Dr. Ramani. I appreciate all that you do on this channel, truly.

[@theeagleslairchannelwithcoacht]

I MET A GREAT MAN WHO TOOK CARE OF ME AND LOVED ME THROUGH ALL MY EMOTIONAL HEALING! IM ONE OF A KIND FOR SURE.

[@waggawaggaful]

“Being successful but not TOO successful.” - you have to make them look good, but you can’t outshine them. And if your dad happens to be blue collar, “outshining” means something as basic as having a professional career.

[@theliftexpert]

I was very fortunate that my narcissistic father drove me to want to excel in life , not for his love but for me to feel good about myself and not need him for anything. My last 3 interactions with him were me telling him about my promotion at work and massive pay raise and he said “oh I get it ,they want you to do more work…I get it “, then I texted him a picture of me holding the trophy 🏆 for winning my golf club championship and he ghosted me and didn’t respond and the last interaction was I texted him a photo of me winning my golf clubs league gross championship and he called me to tell me how insensitive I am, that he’s sick and I don’t call him or come see him ,so I blew his head off with a 20 minute rant about what a shitty father he was and then said goodbye forever.

[@MsEllie2023]

Boy did I need this video today. You described my personality exactly and my adult relationships to a T. I'm in my 40s and I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I like and how I want to live my life. My entire identity from activities I've done, how I interact with people, my constant need to be a people pleaser, and my need for perfectionism has all been shaped as a way to keep my mother's rages at bay. I especially needed this today because I mentioned my mother is a narcissist and the first reaction I got was, "You're not a psychologist. You can't diagnose her and even if she is a narcissist now you're just blaming someone with mental illness." This was said in an online support group for estranged children. So, boy am I thankful for you and your community. It's a place where I feel like someone gets my experience. Thank you from my bottom of my heart.

[@zairas.9122]

I'm sorry that happened to you, it is awful to hear such a thing. I hope that comment did not make you question your own experiences, because you know best and no one else!

[@hautecouture2228]

being a son of a narcissistic mother can be particularly devastating as it usually results in subconscious hatred of women. These men end up homosexual ( if they had an absent or emotionally unavailable father) or effeminate straight men who are drawn to masculine narcissistic women

[@MissNevaeh2023]

Watching this from the UK in the wee hours of the morning (5am) because I can’t sleep and I keep having dreams about my family (that I’ve gone no contact with) and listening to this… crying.

[@lynnanderson1923]

I'm in the UK too. Hope you're ok 🙏 You will be grieving the loss of your family but you have done the right thing.

[@barbarabode4041]

🙏❤️🤗 Hugs from Germany

[@normaball8691]

🤗🩵

[@ThatsaTechnicalFoul]

Both parents are narcissists and I learned the term as a kid in the 80s perusing the library, trying to find resources to help explain what was wrong with my family. It isn’t just my parents, but our entire family system on both sides. I’m now in my mid-40s & feel I’ll struggle with issues of identity for the duration. My personality around others is disturbingly malleable & I’m constantly adapting to a situation in order to avoid further abuse. There are maybe 2 people who know who I really am and even they can’t fully comprehend my layers. My reality has been manipulated by others for so long that I simply fear humans as a species. On the surface, I appear to be comfortable in my own skin (cuz to be vulnerable makes me a potential target) and many people think I’m an extrovert. I simply hide my true self, only revealing the pieces I feel the other person can accept. I know who I truly am. However, my fear is I will die without ever living an outwardly genuine life. I still struggle with PTSD, especially this time of year.

[@mareep_the_sheep]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge here on KZbin. You’ve been a helpful resource during my no contact journey.

[@devinjeffrey275]

Oh Boy- This could be talked about for years….

[@earthrooster1969]

And wish this would have been available many years ago.. But grateful it's available now! 🙏🏽

[@Wynnie.]

I have a covert narcissistic mother who parentified her children. I sometimes still struggle to not play the parent to my partner, but I want to share with Dr. Ramini that I'm one of the few lucky ones who had a good love story. My partner sees me as I am and accepts me. I have a few noticeable physical irregularities taht I'm obviously insecure about but he doesn't care. He only says that I've been dealt with a bad hand in the gene pool but that doesn't change how he feels. Honestly, how I got lucky in love still amazes me sometimes.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

Today is our 45th anniversary and I can honestly say my hubby was my hero. He convinced me that I was worth it. I love that we started out with nothing and still have most of it😊

[@ChadAV69]

This is powerful. Thanks for sharing. My dad is such a narcissist. The earliest memory of my entire life was him calling me a pussy for not wanting to play catch with him…. I was 5. Then of course over the years he told me it was MY responsibility to do things with him so we had a relationship…. Of course he couldn’t change and stop being an abusive alcoholic. No, it was MY responsibility as a child/teenager. Im 30 now. I finally ended up standing up to him a year ago when he was going after my mom. One thing lead to another and he left the state. Haven’t heard from him in a year or so. Life has been fabulous. My dad has been torturing my entire family for my entire life and I finally stood up to him. He’s way bigger than me physically but what made it hardest was the mental image he built up since he’s been a terror since I was born. Im proud of myself.

[@lynnanderson1923]

As long as you're towing the line with your narcissistic parent all is good....for them. As soon as you try to stand up for yourself you are branded as being nasty.

[@Deeper-i4r]

You just aced my childhood in your childhood, my father also had a volcanic temper that scared me to death, mother never intervened

[@HomespunWisdom]

4:50 ...Or worse: IF the child can be absolutely perfect, then the child will be allowed to survive (without being verbally and physically brutalized/punished/deprived/abused) for those moments that the 'perfection' can be maintained (using super-human levels of focus and exertion to attain and maintain expectations). Of course, in doing the things that 'please'/serve the Narcissistic parents, peers despise the child who is always trying super hard (so they are hated for being the athletes, the intelligent kids, for being seen as good looking, etc - despite the over-working child being humble, inclusive, and caring). So, when that child is able to avoid getting hurt by their parents through enormous effort and strain, society attacks/rejects them instead. It's always 'Damned if you do, and damned if you don't'.

[@Waningcrescentqueen]

Wow! You absolutely nailed it 💯

[@HomespunWisdom]

@@Waningcrescentqueen 🙏

[@nessy9022]

"my favorite love stories are when I hear that a person who grew up with a narcissistic parent or parents, meets a good person in adulthood, a person who sees all of them, and wants to get to know the depth of them, and doesn't want the accommodation or perfectionism, and in fact pushes back on it, and watching that be a path to healing for some is gorgeous". My favorite love stories are when I hear that a person (usually a scapegoat/truth teller) who grew up with a narcissistic parent or parents, but who'd recognized parental toxicity early on, had begun to look beyond the immediate family for role models and guidance at a young age, so that by the time they reach adulthood they'd already healed to the extent that they've learned to love themselves and others, so they're not bringing significant baggage into relationships that their partners need to push back on.

[@sportimpactfoundation6506]

Whatever you do, do NOT be inconvenient. If you need anything, contact strangers or people we would never contact. Just do not ask for anything or expect help from anyone that "normal" families go to for help. And, if you do, it will be used against you forever or used for personal manipulation to make you look like the "problem". In the meantime, it's expected that they get help and support from family members.... I've literally been blamed for the shit that they did to me. My biggest regret in life is not cutting all contact years ago and allowing contact with my child. The brainwashing and manipulation is strong. The dysfunction it created in all of my life is horrifying. The best, successful and happiest years of my life were when nobody from my family was involved. :-(

[@dianabailey9757]

The simple summary is that I was never good enough and I was.only worthy when they said so. No mystery why I didn't maintain contact with that after iI figured it out. Ask those questions! Great channel. Worth the listen.

[@AnaPravilovic-k3y]

Your work is precious. Even if later in life one cannot change much, it makes a big difference once one understands and values oneself. You help understand. So hopefully people reclaim what's left of them, and their lives.

[@pauline-v3b]

Ive given up on receiving love and focus on giving myself love and care instead

[@ranirathi3379]

the trust that's been destroyed in innate human goodness lasts too long. i chose at 32 to never have children, coz i don't want to hurt them by being even 1% as horrible as my parents. despite extensive healing, closest relationships bring out remaining monsters in our psyche.

[@keishaofficer9063]

After my dad died, My mom replaced us over and over again with new husbands (twice)and their families, so I grew up thinking I was replaceable. The new families took over my dad’s family and made them call us them dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, etc. She put up pic of the new people and not us. In turn, I became fiercely independent and distant emotionally from others.

[@Plumduff3303]

I feel ❤your pain

[@CreativeCreaturefx]

This is heartbreaking. But I have a feeling that you're gonna be ok. You're a strong person, probably stronger than so many people.

[@nishiramkhelawan8622]

Parents who stifle their children's life by imposing ongoing childhood control, grow up without confidence 😢

[@Blessed2-v4w]

As I listen to you, I can hardly see through tears because so much of what you're saying is hitting home. You are verbalizing what I could not. God bless you and please keep doing what you do. It helps to know my feelings are understood. ❤❤❤

[@bigparade]

Defeat, collapse, rebel, severe psychiatric crises...my sister. Numbing, detaching, addiction...my younger brother. Hardened, escape, failed relationships and possible NPD...my older brother. Mind-reader, peacemaker, savior complex, fixer, fawn...me. I'm just figuring all of this out as my mother passed away recently, and I've realized my father has multiple disorders (ADHD, depression, anxiety, NPD, hoarding disorder). Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. Wow

[@Aquarius213]

OMG!!! The last couple videos are speaking directly to me!! I have learned a lot about myself. My life is reflected in your words. I gave up pleasing anyone in my family by going no contact 2 years ago. It has been wonderful for my peace of mind in my life. But it is very hard to do.

[@nurcakirkaya]

hi! i also want to go no contact with my family, but im scared i wont survive and will end up lonely and alone. in what ways has it been hard for you to do it? i hope it’s okay to ask

[@Aquarius213]

@nurcakirkaya My going 'no contact' was years in the making. After my mom passed away the level of disrespect I received was awful. I realised that no matter if I told my truths, my family was against me. So I cut off all contact to everyone.i was no longer going to be their scapegot. It has been very hard on me. I do get lonely. However I needed time to heal myself. Work on myself. And understand myself better. It has been 2 years since I went no contact, but I had 53 years as the scapegoat. I can continue dedicate several years to heal my wounded self. It was the best thing I could have done. Now trust in others? I do not trust very easily. I'm finding I don't want to trust anyone, or give them the opportunity to hurt me. I know I have more work to do. Only you can decide if going no contact is the right thing for you. If you do take the time to heal. Do not rush the process. Good luck.

[@prueaddy-z3r]

I grew up with overt dad and covert communal malignant mom. Married for 30 years to a covert that threatened self harm or suicidal gestures when rage didn’t work, like my mom. Unfortunately therapists we sat with for decades, fed that “fixable” and I was supported to believe hope existed. Many counselors do not comprehend the devastation of these relationships and I grieve what was true; I was used and abused on purpose. I learned to make excuses. I can now move on because of your clarity Dr Ramani. At 67 the confusion and SNS triggers are there, yet as a therapist myself, I will no longer perpetuate a cycle of harm using tools to hold me or others in a lie.

[@debfryer2437]

I was an unwanted child of a narcissistic mother. I was told every day in one way or another until she died how little I was valued. I was 44. My role was the scapegoat. All my 8 siblings were turned against me after I left home at age 18. I married a man with borderline personality disorder. I was practically destroyed after 4 years of marriage. I’ve been in and out of therapy for 32 years. Now my children despise me and I have little or no value to them. I have lost everything. I have no roots. No family. Not wanted by my daughter in law and now don’t have a close relationship with my young grandchildren. I feel that I have to make all the effort and all the changes. I’m the mentally ill person and the only one who needs therapy. I’m the poor relation with all the problems.

[@jacqueslee2592]

Since childhood I knew their narcissistic behaviors and I was trying to avoid giving them the supply to cause damage when I was a teenager. There was a misstep when I was 19 and did this misstep created a daily hell for me for the next 15 years. These years were wasted and my focus in my development was taken. I have brain damage and am physically ill now. Now this is their supply because they say I became a child dependent on them, never grew up, proving that I was ill. They do not have empathy. I have been programmed to an extent that I avoid going to see doctors due to medical gaslighting. I am getting sicker and the person I imagined I was going to be in my 20s and 30s has been destroyed. My narc relatives are also gloating. I was the scapegoat in the family.

[@mavismitimingi7529]

PERFECTIONISM, Obedience and Organized.

[@KM-gi2qo]

It's interesting and annoying that it took a lifetime to figure out my problems had a root cause. For my parents I had to be silent and obedient, self-reliant to make their lives easier - so you have a fever, self dispense your own medicine. I was the family servant who got no recognition for what I did, except if something wasn't done right. One of the family mottos was either do it right or don't it at all. Definitely wasn't allowed to be myself and I'm still told I'm selfish and anti-social because I disagree with them. I was told I had no value until someone accepts me and that my appearance is the only thing that people appreciate. Only now at 48 I'm learning to recognize the parents who accept their children as people and allowing them to grow into who they are, and how different that is from my own childhood experience.

[@deemaysie6568]

Just described my childhood to a "T".

[@ojitosrodriguez114]

Man if only I could have learned all of this before my first marriage at 19 🥴🥴🥴🥴

[@DanaMaik-b7u]

19🫣

[@Alf258]

😢😢😢I was made to fawn and I literally remained a child because growing and acquiring skills triggered the narcissist....

[@thelordcomanderwhocriedwolf]

🫂❤️‍🩹❤️‍🔥

[@katehampstead6024]

Yep.

[@alexastirling4385]

You’re talking about my life. Narcissistic mother and then a narcissist husband. A lifetime of feeling less than worthless.

[@well_weathered]

I will be replaying, and will journal this activity tonight. This is so good Dr Ramini! Brings a lot to mind. 💯💥

[@amandaliverpool3374]

It's 5am here and I'm catching up with all my tape delay. ❤

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I've posted a comment on TH ❤

[@CreativePolyglot]

Making them happy and being good at things, but not too good; clever, but not the smartest in the room…complete resilience, adaptability, accommodating-a mind reader, translator, forgiver, caregiver … thank you, Dr. R

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Taking all the pieces of me back with tons of self love for all of me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@ckomarec]

Ug. These videos go strait to the core of me. Dr. Ramani just gets it. Inside and out. Thank you ❤

[@chrisd3637]

Wow- the 'successful but not too successful' quote hits deep. I've noticed this more recently as it's come to the surface. I want to be successful, but know there's always been this 'fear' of being too successful or shining TOO much. Perhaps there's some normal level fear in there, but I think a lot of it likely stems from my narc parents. Thank you Dr Ramani for this video!

[@ericag5346]

That's exactly what my informed sister in narcissism said to me about our dad, there's always 2 sides. After my dad blatantly said horrible things to me. There aren't two sides to that. I did nothing to deserve that. I've let all my family go. Enablers included.

[@rosemessner1850]

Thank you for the beautiful gift of educating us and helping to make us whole again !❤

[@bearisland55]

I hang on Dr. Ramani's every word for these videos. They explain why I act and feel the way I do. My father cheated on my mother with a woman who had two younger children. I was in my late teens at the time and had ceased to be his "little girl". He wanted to move on to his new "family" while still being revered for his high position at his job. Typical narcissist. It never occurred to me what he was until my early 50s. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me clarity.

[@LuzQueVemDeDentro]

I'm 26 and waking up for the first time, this is deeply hurtful creepy, sad, all of the above, I barely survided it when I went through it, now having to go through it in my mind again to then get out of my mental chains... it's extremely painful, detrimental, heavy, sad... and lonely! few ppl understando, most o them think you're being a bad kid and should "give you mom one more chance" - after billions...

[@ElifCem2153]

How Lucky. Only 26.❤

[@Deliver8857]

Perfectionism is so toxic! I didn't even know I felt that I needed to be perfect because I see myself so poorly, the opposite of perfect. One day I was listening to a podcast about this topic & thought 'oh thats why I hate myself so bad, because I will never be be perfect.'& And realized 'oh, that's why I don't care or try, because at a very young age I knew I was imperfect & felt terrible about myslef & just gave up even trying, like a why bother attitude! That really changed my perspective. I think comparing yourself to others is the worse thing you can do, esp if you have low self esteem becuase you will never measure up & always be a failure. Accepting & loving yourself is the only way to happiness..and not giving a crap wht anyone thinks about that! Love yourself & not NEED someone elxe to tell you you're ok, because if you believe it nothing else matters

[@dreamscape405]

This was SO validating ❤❤❤ I'm the only child and scapegoat, so while there were certain parts that were acceptable, none were really praised. I've always felt like my true self is all this little pieces just floating around me, unable to be seen. They're like little ghosts. I've found a couple, but will do this exercise more in depth. TYSM Dr. Ramani❤❤❤

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Psilocybin mushrooms have certainly had a beneficial effect on my mental health. They've been quite effective for me in managing my anxiety and depression.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

levishroomies

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Yes, he is

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

You can look him up

[@steceymorgan814]

Psychedelic mushrooms had a profound healing effect on my severe PTSD that I struggled with for years.

[@AnjeloValeriano]

Can I order from levishroomies if I'm in MN?

[@patriciamorin9606]

So sad. It has taken me to the age of 70 to figure this out. Thank you for your insights into this topic.

[@Flyingrabbit2222]

There are so many pieces to this puzzle and SO many outcomes. The DSM drug manual would have to add another 1000 pages just to put a dent in naming them. Bonding in infancy? Socialization? Isolation? Physical and emotional numbing? In my experience damage done from infancy to 7 does not get repaired with a little "inner child work" because the inner infant's brain is set and isn't coded for intervention at age 50 . A child without alternatives can't imagine them. If love was presented as poison, you can't invent the "real thing". The physical and emotional challenges presented by interacting with "normal life" , things that are second nature for most people, can be adjusted for, but not fully experienced. Fake it till you make it doesn't work. If anything it distances you from the goal of finding what might be left of the original you.

[@suprebaddeathmachine]

At 42 I've finally broken out of the entrained, programmed loop, thanks in large part to these videos. Thanks Dr. R!

[@tammykinstrue9849]

🤯 Oh my word! Yes, I have been impacted by this dynamic.

[@ivonkwAn6443]

Being a victim of a narcissistic father, later a similar (if not worse) husband - it's hard to measure all the destruction that took place in me. Of course, standing in the truth opened my eyes to what I had to face. Even though I'm coming out of this ruin very slowly, I can't cope with protecting my child from the influence of a pathological, manipulative bulldozer father (in every respect) who uses his own child to torment me🤕

[@craigmerkey8518]

I always feel like you were sitting on my shoulder taking notes! In elementary school I surrendered trying to understand the stories they tell everyone who will still listen, each part directly contradicting the other! No Bueno!

[@kathy-annhart2632]

I'm sooooo grateful for you, Dr. Ramani and today, I'm very appreciative of this message. 💕 I needed to hear it.

[@davinasquirrel7672]

I am in my sixties, and still don't really have a lot of self-confidence. I recall a lot in childhood if I had any success, I should not have pride, or it wasn't good enough, or it was a non-achievement. I did manage to throw off perfectionism in my late 20s. I did not even realise my mother was a covert narc until just recently, I just knew things were better when I lived far away.

[@ImSpeaking-now]

You’re such a voice of reason Dr. Ramani. Thank you for these videos. I’m visiting my parents for a few days and really needed some guidance on my emotional state while being around them.

[@zoomzoom103]

Some of my "loveable" parts were also "unlovable." I did well in community theater, which made her happy because "wow your child is so talented!" But also made her angry because "ugh this rehearsal stuff is costing me so much in gas!" I didn't go into sports, which made her happy because it meant no driving to games/practice, having to buy gear/equipment, an that I didn't choose one of the "wrong sports." But it also made her mad because she played softball in school and wanted me to follow in her footsteps. I was always a quiet kid, which made her happy because I wasn't a fussy baby nor did I become annoying by asking many questions or talking when she wasn't in the mood to deal with me. But it also made her mad because I was *too* quiet and wasn't talkative enough when she was in the mood to deal with me (or wanted to dig around and find something to use against me later.)

[@baronsworldwide]

I’m so lucky to have a good love story in life. She has been such a huge part of my path to healing and helping me not be pulled back into the narcissists delusion spinning.

[@erockfreedom6399]

Thank you for speaking about narc parents. I had (have) two of them. Attracting so many narcissistic ppl in my life add no one just how many are out there, makes me want to just be a hermit. I've been going through a lot of self-isolation. So I lack the emotional support from other people that are not like that. I definitely escaped and had a really abundant first part of my life. However, in my early 40s I got pulled back in.

[@toulousegoose1150]

My grandma literally shaped my body. She thought I was getting too big and tall, and gave me three adult sized cups of coffee a day to deliberately stunt my growth. This started at 3. My whole childhood I had the dream of being part of a national dance troupe that requires women to be minimum 5'9." I'm 5'8". She got her way and I wasn't 6 feet tall like my great grandma. Ugh. Edited to say I had to reimagine my whole life plan over being an inch too short. That was way easier than rebuilding an entire personality.

[@earthrooster1969]

Wow! Thanks for sharing...yes the personality part is the longer journey to process and heal...

[@thelordcomanderwhocriedwolf]

❤️‍🩹🫂

[@Thebeachbumbaker]

I was only useful to my narc dad when he wanted to feel powerful. He used to love when I would be terrified and cry. My mom told me that when I was 2-3 she would find him hovering over me wearing a Halloween mask and I would be underneath the table shaking and crying because I was too young to realize that it was just my dad wearing a mask. And he would just be standing there laughing to himself. Anytime he would have a bad day at work he would come home and abuse me to make himself feel in control…. The man is sick!

[@stephanieballesteros620]

Dr. Ramani your videos are SO VALUABLE to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️

[@lilaclady444]

Thank you for the valuable psycho-education, it is important to know where to start! I have been working on my CPTSD for many years (CBD, DBT, Somatic therapy, meditation, psych-education) and I have found a lot of useful practice by using Kirsten Neff's book on Self- Compassion and Pete Walker's book (CPTSD from thriving to Striving) to understand how to heal on all levels. I also really appreciate the healing strategies of The Crappy Childhood Fairy There are accessible pathways to healing all around us. I want to live a life where I am healed enough to vibe with other healthy people and naturally repel anyone who is not right for me (because my boundaries protect my precious worth), without having to memorize all the tactic that can be used against me. I want to be unfuckable without shutting off my heart. I have come a long way and want to send love to anyone on this journey. You are not alone and being a full healthy being is possible.

[@snoopdoff]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@AfkAliaga]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@chrisbenoit5044]

Steve_porss1 is the man , I share similar experiences with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction. Psilocybin mushrooms have been a game-changer for me, aiding greatly in my recovery and sobriety."

[@ThailandLottery-vz3pm]

I wish those were more accessible here. Microdosing was the next thing I planned for my husband. He's 59 & facing many mental health issues, probably CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma for 8 days. Sadly, I had to get a TPO because he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and displaying violent behavior, always talking about hurting others. He's really aggressive. If anyone out there knows about BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?

[@AfkAliaga]

Is he on instagram?

[@chrisbenoit5044]

Steve_porss1 is the man

[@1975sld]

"The idea that you could be loved just for who you are is so foreign..." I'll be 50 years old this year and this is still a completely foreign concept to me. I just cannot wrap my head around that idea. Probably doesn't help that I am back living with my narcissistic parent, and have no way out financially right now. The feelings of hopelessness are a struggle. I come here every day to listen to Dr. Ramani and try to remind myself that I'm not all of the things my parent tries to convince me I am.

[@Dobermanmomma]

My narc mom didn't really care about her kids nor did she have much to do in their life. Alot of childhood trauma videos seem like parents who were highly involved in their kid's lives, but they weren't good parents.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

Whenever I thrived spontaneously or showed delight in what I'd done/been doing it was quashed. How selfish of me!!!! LOL No spontaneous affection, no sex education then once I had a few children SHE wanted to talk about her and my Dad!!! Ugh!! It took 14 years for my mother to come back via a very good medium and apologise. Thanks Mam. She hated my independence and thriving, never liked doing anything alone which is why she never learned to drive. Nightmare.

[@LadyLazarus1027]

only after my 24 years of being in a narcissistic family system did i realize that my father is the narcissist source of every trouble. i always thought it was my mother, but this year i learned that he is a covert type of one, one that makes all disrupt from underneath, going barely noticed, and made his major victim become almost identical as him, almost as mean as he is. as consequence, i’ve attached my value as a human being to my achievements, to how well i’m doing at academics or how many articles i’ve published or how many books i’ve read, and it’s led me to judge other people based on this too. currently i am on a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t have a narcissistic family but did have a previous relationship with a narcissistic person, and i’ve been learning so much about what love really means. it sucks that we have to climb this mountain in order to heal, but i can finally see some glimmer of hope, as some years ago i had convinced myself that i would never be able to maintain a relationship because no one would ever be interested and i would never have anything to offer them. the ways we get traumatized are insanely deep.

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

NO CONTACT is the ONLY option!

[@amarbyrd2520]

Not if your entire "community" tries to make you an outcast if you try to escape or even make different arrangements for elder care. I really think it's hurtfully simplistic to say this to people without thinking through some of the consequences.

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

@@amarbyrd2520 for me in my situation, NC is ONLY option. I know for a fact….after 43 yrs of being a scapegoat, being isolated, triangulated, suffered an addiction, been suicidal, ect…..aaalllllllllll because of the narcs, YES, NC is only option! When ur own mental health and sobriety are at risk, NC is THEE ONLY option! Listen to dr Ramani, she’s stated that numerous times also, I’ve lived it also!

[@jadegreen1554]

Actually, no matter the child, no matter the particular narcissist, no matter how skillful the child is, NO child will ever be enough for a narcissistic parent. Every child of a narcissistic parent will act out (on a spectrum) in some way or another (less likely with the golden child) as a result of not being enough for this narcissistic parent.

[@EveningTV]

Your description of your favorite kind of love story (the one you said hardly ever happens) is exactly what I am praying happens for my son because in the last decade the only narcissisitc abusers in our lives have been his girlfriends each one worst than the last. We live close and are partners in business so the woman he marries and has kids with will have a big impact on my life as well as his, so I'm asking for God and the Universe to help make it happen.

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. Fantastic breakdown of the outline of the parental trauma bonding video two days ago. Once again your exhaustive, crystal clear examples and insights kept me on the edge of my seat. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you and your amazing Team do for this community!