How To Treat Someone With BPD|Management & Complications In Communication Psychotherapy Crash Course

#bpd #FAMILY #relationships
****DISCLAIMER: This video is an introduction to symptoms and behaviors that families often see in loved ones or people they are close to. This video does not replace clinical advice and is not a personalized video of BPD. This is a very general view of the symptoms of BPD and some of the associated symptoms that specific groups or individuals may experience. Everyone experiences BPD differently and the intensity of the disorder varies by individual.
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Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complicated disorder. It is characterized by a host of behaviors and emotions discussed in this video. It is a long and pervasive part of an individual. It isn't a mental illness where medication or therapy can heal it. In fact, BPD is just the opposite.
Therapy and medication are often ineffective if not appropriate. And years of therapy may be needed (including medication) to help the individual find some stability in their life. This is the good part.
However, there is a downside.
Individuals with BPD who are very unaware of how they influence others, particularly their families, and the environment around them. I have spoken to people nationally and internationally who have struggled with loved ones, coworkers, or friends who have BPD and it is difficult for them to understand some of the risky and emotionally driven behaviors they may observe.
In this video, I will discuss (in practical terminology) what you (as someone who is in relationship with someone with BPD) can do to deal more effectively with someone who has BPD. I give you a few tips in this video for setting boundaries.
Discussed:
0:45 How BPD may be "created"
-invalidating
-toxic parenting
-immature
-emotionally absent
-unhealthy environment
-no (or poor) example of healthy relationships
2:01 BPD may become less complicated
2:48 Struggles with various emotions, thoughts, and behaviors
3:17 Need for relational trust, emotional stability, and safety
5:02 TIPS ON HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND SET BOUNDARIES

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Dealing with emotional manipulation? kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZpmvXqemg955rqs

[@cloudie8314]

Not dealing w a person w BPD is also a CHOICE. When it starts to affect your peace, harmony and mental health it's OK to self care and self love by walking away. Doesn't mean u don't love them. Just means u love yourself too. My sis thinks it's ok to ignore me in her presence and blame me for bs I had nothing to do w. When I tried to make it better it turns out a million times worse. I will love her from waay over here cuz I deserve a nontoxic, peaceful and loving sibling relationship. So does she. So I hope she gets help✌🏽

[@TheBLT883]

doing the same it was messing up my mental health but ever since i walked away i been feeling better and less stressed

[@cloudie8314]

@@TheBLT883 good for you! Best wishes to you✌🏽

[@mira99ist]

@cloudie, any chance we could connect by email? my brother im fairly certain has BPD. Things are just getting worse where my peace of mind is gone.

[@cloudie8314]

@@mira99ist idk how I could help. I'm not qualified in any way.

[@mira99ist]

@@cloudie8314 I wanted to ask you what made you decide your sis has BPD and how you decided on no contact. It's to share experience.

[@therongjr]

There are plenty of videos about how to deal with personality disorders if you yourself have it or a loved one has it, but very few for coworker-type relationships (which is what I'm finding myself in). I'm glad that some of the helpful ideas here are applicable across roles!

[@LXSeaV]

This is really helpful. Having these people in your life is so difficult. It’s like you have to learn how to tame a tiger for your own survival.

[@lanapruiett6838]

BEST VIDEO I HAVE FOUND, my significant other will finally believe me.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful! Thank you.

[@jamesmillet1223]

This was the best video I have seen on BPD. I have been “dealing” with someone with BPD for almost 13 years. For years I thought it was me until I started asking questions and looking for information as to why this person acts and behaves so much differently than the overwhelming majority of people I encounter! Now I know!!

[@MusicLove6789]

I’m frustrated because this takes a lot of maturity and self control. I’m currently in a mother daughter dynamic and it’s incredibly hard for me to put on a hard face with a person who is always trying to dominate me with the added role as a parent. I can’t be hard all the time.

[@maryarchibeque5788]

Thank you. The thing about them not always meaning what they say is crazy making and feels like dishonesty and I never knew what to believe. One minute my partner said she loved me and the next minute she hated me. I'll be reclaiming my sanity for awhile after 7 years with a partner with BPD. There were periods of improvement that gave me false hope and pulled me in deeper. I now feel the entire relationship was based on manipulation. She didn't know how to relate other than through the drama triangle.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

That’s called push pull and you have a trauma bond and cognitive dissonance

[@Bucketsthecake]

She dropped a lot of gems I definitely am guilty of trying to keep peace in those instances tried to be the go to person for everything wow this is spot on

[@mariaoconnell9139]

You are so great at getting me to understand this subject!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you Maria!

[@watzupbuttercup]

Not everyone with BPD had completely toxic parenting. There is a genetic component to BPD.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Very true. Everyone is different

[@TVManson]

Best and very practical video on BPD! All the rest of the content on ytube is somekind of safe space nonsense.

[@lisastone2537]

I’ve watched a lot of videos regarding BPD and this one was the most helpful to me, a person who has been in both romantic and non-romantic relationships with people with BPD. Thank you for a concise, yet extremely helpful video.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're so welcome! Glad this was helpful and thank you! I will update this content this year to include the new findings and attitudes about BPD.

[@whitehatwhitehat1646]

i really wanted to respond to some people in the comments but since i watched ur video i wont thanks for making it!

[@taraarrington2285]

I'm trying to learn how to deal with my mom to stay out of the minefeilds

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi Tara, I'm sorry you are going through this. It can be tough. Although this video was published a while ago, there may be some helpful tips here. You may also find this video helpful: studio.kzbin.infouGLRHWdNJAU/edit. This is more up-to-date. You describe it right as a "minefield." It can certainly be that and sometimes even feel impossible to make sense out of. You may also like the book "I hate you, don't leave me" on Amazon.

[@simfimpim]

Thank you, this was helpful. Dealing with an elderly parent who has a lot of the traits of BPD. It's very difficult to not internalize what is said. Also, the worst I think is trying to reason with her when she is in a "mood." It's impossible and whatever I say gets twisted and she goes into more and more histrionics. It's maddening.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome. And I'm sorry to hear this. It is maddening and sometimes very discouraging to try to manage the communication. Not all individuals with BPD are difficult to communicate with but the ones who are, truly pull on you to be "ready" at all times. You might find my recent video helpful kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y6bOn4Brq9ZprNE

[@simfimpim]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much for your reply.

[@AmandaSmith-hp7ey]

Thank you for sharing!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome Amanda! Thanks for watching.

[@dougmann66]

yes absolutly im feeling my serenity again !!!!!

[@denestone9534]

best explanation so far.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful! Thank you.

[@auroraboralis6111]

that was so helpful thank you

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

So glad! You're welcome!

[@user-kc2kg5th3h]

my girlfriend have bpd and bipolar... but i learned a lot about her, i tried to help her, to make her happy 🥺

[@nikkistahr7105]

can't fix that person..

[@colettelongo2080]

Run. You can follow all these dos and don't perfectly but you will still be choosing to be in an abusive relationship.

[@whitewizard6557]

Thank you 🙏! Nothing more difficult than a JEALOUS sibling with BPD. Tried to make peace…again this Christmas by sending a beautiful bouquet of flowers…she loves attention! It has turned into the most manipulative melodrama trying to pull all 3 of my children in and trying to turn my very Ill father against me. Life is sooooo much easier w/o her in it. I’ve tried soooo hard! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Absolutely! You're welcome. And that was very nice of you. Although I don’t know all the specifics I can say that some with BPD can (and at some point will) misinterpret the actions of others. That's what makes relationships so stormy at times. If all else fails distance is best.

[@Lyburtus]

And this is why I stopped dating over a decade ago... and Probably why I live across the country from my family.🤔

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes. some individuals who have untreated or undiagnosed BPD are beyond difficult.

[@Lyburtus]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I'm the one who has bpd. I was diagnosed last year... That diagnosis & DBT probably saved my life. It's most Definitely Changed my life for the better.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I understand what you meant in your comment! My reply was confusing. 🤦‍♀️ DBT has helped many of my clients get the treatment that's needed. So that's great! However, when BPD is untreated or undiagnosed it's very hard on the family, as I'm sure you know. Everything just falls apart until stability is achieved.

[@AkaiNabi]

Thank you. My husband's ex has bdp and it has been difficult from the very beginning. They have a son. Since knowing me, she has always been aggressive to me in one way or another. I tried to make peace. Tried to make this work because of the boy. She doesn't respect boundaries. She insults and I, don't handle it well. Right now at least it's been half a year since last we talked. Your tips helped a lot. She has most of the custody and I'm worried about the effect on the child. Last I heard, she stopped medication and therapy.

[@joe3727]

Thank you I have been with my S/o for a couple of years I didn't understand them for a good min I used to be the go to guy and overly reassured ,so I lacked boundaries of my own ....I'll for sure apply this from now on for my peace of mind

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome. I should do a more updated video on this topic. Incase you missed it, here's an updated video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l16slJ2wmJ6glac AND kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y6bOn4Brq9ZprNE.

[@joe3727]

Thank you so much I'll be applying this keep the videos coming ...also abt the push -pull cycles and how to break free from it without being pulled in cause you can never win with people with bpd

[@haileeweber4739]

Well im the prey and I can’t handle it any more

[@cloudie8314]

Yes! Hard to be the prey. Best of luck to u on your journey to healing💞

[@margaretpeck4002]

I’m sorry you feel like prey. One of my biggest advice is educating yourself with BPD, either to avoid involving yourself with them in the future, but mainly to better understand what they’re experiencing. I’m BPD & have character defects and HATE it when I screw people over, over react, act inappropriately. It doesn’t feel good from our point of view either, we are suffering & almost projecting it onto the other people. Don’t take it personal, they’ll regret it, trust me. Unless they have dominate narcissistic or antisocial characteristics in their BPD, they will be more mad at themselves in the end vs you. Look up Cluster B Personality disorders and attracting other Cluster B personalities. It’s a very very very interesting topic to explore and learn about. I’m lucky, I got diagnosed at 22 hand have been getting treated for it for 2 years now and all I can say is that BPD can, if used wisely, be a hidden superpower. My mother and sister have it too but I’m the only one clinically diagnosed and seeking treatment. I’m actually watching this video to help my sister, who is older, but undiagnosed and untreated BPD get worst with age (especially in their 20s like my older sister, she’s 26 almost 27 and I’m 24), it can get better with age, a.k.a., my mom, but she didn’t start getting better until 50 & she is still an alcoholic which I’d never expect her to change those aspects of her life. My sister is an alcoholic but doesn’t want to quit either, I however and more conscious of wanting to break the cycle so I took the advice of the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts) and went to rehab to get completely sober, weed and all. I can’t control them, I can only control my life. I know that I’m extremely empathetic which is what differentiates me from my sister who has more traits of narcissism, which is why my mom and her are currently in a very bad fight which is making my sister suicidal. She has a lot of resentment for my mother and hasn’t been able to move forward with her life and my mom won’t take accountability or reassure her that she’s accepted and loved... very hard to explain but the different degrees and which symptoms of other disorders will help better understand how treat/react to the abuse we unfortunately give people sometimes. The abused becomes the abuser, sad but true fact.

[@cloudie8314]

@@margaretpeck4002 reading your comment exhausted me. I can't imagine what it's like living w BPD. In my situation I think that's a big issue. It's hard for me to see my sister's perspective. I don't have BPD n I want to deal w the issue at hand quick then move along even quicklier. She holds on to the issue for dear life, magnifies it then blames me entirely for it. 2yrs estranged from her n although it's been peaceful it's causing tremendous damage to the family😔

[@margaretpeck4002]

@@cloudie8314 I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, I too have been in your sister’s POV where I blamed my older sister, profusely, before I got my actual diagnosis and even then, I had some resentment towards her for at least 6 months after I got the diagnosis. Really and honestly it helped me reading the diagnosis and at first I was like, “Holy shit, this is me 110%”, but when the nurse pointed out to me that it’s genetic in a household I read it and saw my sister, however completely different ways she reacted to the symptoms, the third time, I read my mother. That is when I could fully understand the saying, “True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”” My sister and I had a very very toxic relationship, me being over weight and not skinny and thinking I wasn’t as pretty as her because she constantly called me names like fat and would say things like I’m fat because I was lazy, change my smile, get my beauty mark removed because it’s ugly, and to say the least, it affected my self-image and lead me down the path of body dysmorphia and eating disorders. Later in life she told me that she was actually jealous of me and that is why she always put me down. The older we got, I got healthy weight & she started gaining. She now tells me she deserves her misery because how she made me suffer. I always reassure her that I’m thankful for my bad self image because it’s a blessing that I felt ugly and was fat, weight humbles people. Really my diagnosis helped me let go of my grudge and begin trying to help people like me and those not like me, manage the hard lives we all live. My best friends (that I made in adulthood) are narcissistic. Apparently there is a huge thing about BPD & NPD people attracting each other. That’s a whole other story though. Remind her of the positive things that BPD can bless us and others with. Advise her to go to counseling, maintain sobriety, get a support group like AA/NA, direct her to receive CBT and DBT counseling because our frontal lobes are undeveloped and sobriety and therapy is the only way to help them to develop, subside the symptoms, and get in control of managing BPD. Unlike other Cluster B Personalities, BPD is the only one that can be cured, but it takes time, support, constant counseling, group and individual therapy, but it is possible. Take the space you need for your own well being, I did that with my sister. Now, we’re closer than ever, which for us was already the impossible.

[@cloudie8314]

@@margaretpeck4002 my goodness you are a wealth of information. That can only be cuz you've actually lived it. TY for taking the time to have this conversation w me. It's super therapeutical and eye opening. I'm happy you are in a better place w your family. I'm not giving up but I am being cautious💗

[@rajrajabalam1174]

Exactly.. I saw this all of these symptoms They have …very difficult to come over from this they can’t .. they can’t at all can’t even they think to do . I feel so sorry for them may god bless them …

[@SlackerWannaB]

Any tips on how to gently present the possibility of BPD to a loved one who isn’t aware of it?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes, I would bring up symptoms and not mention the label. It's just a label but if you explain what you are seeing and the patterns, the person may hear you better.

[@tnt01]

present them with a book on the subject.

[@donnaleighdelarose5899]

Can you do a video on how to accomplish each of these recommendations? For example, you mention "don't become prey." What are the actions to accomplish that, especially when we are already the target? The person I know with BPD chooses prey out of jealousy, so the person doesn't have an option to not be who they are, because it isn't so much a personality issue, but looks or success, or even offering an opinion that isn't exactly what they want to hear because they need to maintain control and only their own opinion is valid to them. This was a very helpful and clarifying video, and I'd like to hear you go deeper with each one of these suggestions. I've just discovered your videos, and would love if you could point me to any that teach these strategies. Thank you. You are improving lives.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you so much! I'm glad this video was helpful to you. I could definitely expound on this video in a new video. I might add this to the list. But I think you are asking for tips/clarity on how to execute the tips in this video. "Not becoming prey" may entail something such as dodging any potential fights, avoiding confrontations, not playing into slights or "digs," and avoiding, at all costs, being sucked into skewed perceptions. The person you reference in your comment can, for example, behave badly all they want. Not becoming "prey" would mean not giving advice or suggestions if you know they are going to be poorly received. Or refusing to react to her obvious disapproval of what is being said or what she is jealous of. Keeping a "non reactive face" is not becoming prey. I'm sorry this is happening. I've been there. It's hard for sure.

[@donnaleighdelarose5899]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I can't begin to tell you how helpful this advice is. I'm printing it out and I'm going to live by it. This will hopefully improve the work situation. I hope you do make that video. We continue to learn through you. Thank you again for improving lives.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!! And thank you. Very glad this is helpful. I certainly have that video on my list!

[@ashleyaboodi]

@@TherapistTamaraHill wow you are incredible- I learn as much from your replies as I do from my videos. Thank you for keeping me sane, self-loving and solution oriented.

[@evangallette3915]

I'm 39 and just found out I have this, it sucks but I'm glad I know I have it so I can work on it.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry Evan. This is a tough diagnosis but it isn't the end of the world, so to speak. Everyone experiences it differently and hopefully you will do well in managing BPD.

[@evangallette3915]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thanks 🙂

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!

[@alonzojr1000]

Hello Tamara, this information is amazing. Do you run direct webinars for companies, or support teams ?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! Yes, I do. A lot. This video is certainly dated and there's more research, a different understanding of this disorder, etc. so I may do an updated video sometime in the future.

[@peanutbutter4949]

What do you do when you live with this person and have no where else go. Im stuck in a living situation with a friend who has been diagnosed but has not been in therapy for years and thier behavior has been triggering to me but i have no where else to go. Idk what to do, and until i find a job and save money to move out im stuck in an unhealthy situation that i dont know how to deal with.

[@FatimaMakesStuff]

I have a sister with BPD. We all had an extremely abusive childhood but she’s the one that we all struggle to deal with. She’s never changed and is just worsening. She’s very angry and rude, we all struggle to try to help her. The issue is that we are all trying to heal and she basically re-traumatizes us. I wanna know how to deal with her healthily.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry to hear this. This must have been traumatizing for you and your siblings. It isn't uncommon for a sibling to have BPD and create a traumatic environment for everyone including themselves. It takes a lot of skill, love, understanding, and education to manage BPD in a family member as close as a sibling in most cases. Learning how to manage her may require your own psychotherapy so that you can build a relationship with a trusted and educated person who can walk you through stages you may feel stuck in. Self-knowledge online through videos, books, articles, etc. is also helpful. I suggest Dr. Ramani as well through MedCircle.

[@FatimaMakesStuff]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much! I will do so, sorry if I may have come off rude myself, we’re all at our wits end at times, while dealing with our own c-ptsd. I know it isn’t her fault, it’s our narcissistic dad that caused us all this trauma.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Absolutely. It's a tough situation indeed!

[@TinyNerdlette]

I'm in the same scenario with my partner's sib. He's great, her opposite completely. But she threatens unaliving so he's scared to stand up for himself. She flies off the handle constantly, drinks like a fish mixing booze with other drugs, is sexual with family including my partner, she treats me like she's a jealous ex & not BROTHER-SISTER. I've spent a lot of time in therapy processing her stunts. There's almost no help for this sort of toxic scenario.

[@truth4utoda]

This is great. Will you talk about this further?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! Yes, I certainly will. Stay tuned for next Friday's video.

[@dmgsoultogetherness6667]

They sabotage things too

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes. Absolutely. And sometimes on purpose out of "fear" of getting too attached, having to commit, or fear or abandonment and intimacy. The relationship status of some people with BPD is really stormy.

[@colettelongo2080]

This is an exhausting list of specific dos and donts required of me. How is this not walking on eggshells? Im exhausted after decades of doing these things and still being abused no matter what.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

It is exhausting. I agree. Please do keep in mind that this video was done years ago and that there may be more up to date videos or books that may give different suggestions on how to manage someone like this. I have seen many parents struggle in relationship to their daughter or son with this diagnosis and it feels like their entire world has been shaken. It also feels like you have to stop living in order to survive in a space with the person with BPD. So I understand it can be a lot to take in. I do hope you find peace as you figure this out. In the meantime, you may find this resource helpful as well: www.mcleanhospital.org/bpd

[@MarissaWashington530]

I just feel like it's so much work to keep all of these things in mind and I see alot of videos and things to not do. It's draining to keep up with all these things.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Well said. It is very difficult and draining. That's why so many therapists burn out because the disorder alone, in some people, can be severe and the need very high. And, like any medical condition, you have to stay updated on the disorder in order to continue to properly understand it.

[@NoBody-xj4bc]

🔥

[@sophieorourke9610]

If your loved one was in therapy but now refuses to go even though their symptoms are becoming really severe again, how can you phrase it to encourage them to go back to therapy without them feeling like they're being attacked?

[@mimiz7937]

Sophie, a person with BPD is always feeling "attacked." No matter how nice you tell them, you're always "offending" them. Get out or feel stressed out.

[@Homoclite]

I saw signs of these things with my stalker ex and didn’t take heed to the warning signs. The stalker is now stalking people I love and care about to get to me.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Very sorry. This subject is tough, especially the way that I approached it. But sadly, some individuals with BPD begin to stalk because that's the only control they sometimes feel they have.

[@Homoclite]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you! I learned that as truth and better realized that as I got midway through a really rough time that I've had throughout the course of the drama. A part of me actually pities this individual because at the age we are, it looks really pathetic. I noticed that when I would try and engage in conversation about these sorts of things, there was a rather BLANK look for a minute and then there would be some faux look and meaningless little talk suggesting that we were on the same page and that the individual understood. So, when I needed a day or so of rest from the heavy talks to gather myself and be productive in my personal life, the stalking began. What's interesting and was much needed is a couple of dudes whom I thought were actual friends were contacted and THEY revealed who and what they are giving little to NO support and making statements that weren't necessarily true. I've cut contact with those two dudes.

[@mspence0826]

I wish I knew more about how not to validate, etc when dealing with these folks. My coworker forcefully asks me to respond to almost paranoid thoughts in a way that lets me know she’ll SNAP if I don’t. It’s super awkward and I’m afraid she’ll literally shatter into a million pieces if I don’t say the *exact right thing*.

[@kj-sf4md]

Q. What % of disorders are/can be trauma based? Q. Can you explain the spectrum o dissociative disorders? Thank you for your videos they are so informative and helpful.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi KJ, Thanks for watching! Good questions!!! I would say that the majority of personality disorders stem from some kind of early trauma. Some research suggests that about 80% of individuals with traumatic histories have borderline personality. However, I must add that research is limited on this correlation, especially with other personality disorders such as narcissism. And...I do plan on doing a video on the spectrum of dissociative disorders. So stay tuned!! Take care

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Life is trauma. Everyone we know is going to die and so are we. No need to make it harder

[@sharonfunk199]

Can you tell the person that you think they have? BPD and send them a video with the description? My daughter I think has this but has not been diagnosed and will not go get help. She has every characteristic or the nine traits that are listed of someone with BPD. Any advice on how to get them to realize this about themselves and where do you get help?

[@princessonline4934]

Any tips on how to get the individual to reach for professional help? Should this even be considered if they are at a stage of denial?

[@nickiiimar]

Would love to know this answer too.... cuz I can't deal with this person anymore. They have become violent & abusive when they rage & then deny deny deny.

[@julierussell826]

You need to be very careful. When my son was told, he became very aggressive and unmanageable. Lucky he was in a hospital

[@MD-ke8fb]

Thanks for sharing your tips! What do you do if your BPD client verbally attacks you out of the blue when things have been going well for many sessions? Can you prematurely, but respectfully, terminate therapy because you do not want to tolerate further abuse?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is a tough question because this really depends on the length of therapy (how long has this client seen you), if you can document and prove manipulation and harm to the therapist, if this is repeated behavior over time, if the client is showing signs that they will harm you (attack you physically or through ostracism), and your ability to maintain this client. If you are in private practice, you don't have to see this client as long as you provide a referral to a specialist or someone with more experience. You can terminate based on the ethics code of your Board. If you are in the community, you would need to speak with your supervisor on how to manage this. Ultimately, you should NOT be attacked because that can ruin your therapeutic alliance and be detrimental to you both over time.

[@MD-ke8fb]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Great info, thank you!

[@dougmann66]

bordeline neighbor she has almost caused me a major meltdown im h s p and feel everything ! im going to avoid her at all cost and not be her go to and prey- victim ! thanks for your great information !!!!!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry. That's challenging to stay the least. Staying away from her is probably the best decision.

[@tnt01]

yes, try your best to stay away and not engage. it is not worth it.

[@ellieisabamf]

Okay, so what if you’ve been their friend for 15 years & did all these things before they got their diagnosis? 😔 I feel like our friendship is doomed. Even though she’s in counseling now & getting better, I don’t know how to be around her.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm not sure I understand fully! If I'm understanding your question I would say that if you have done what I am suggesting in this video in your relationship with your friend, perhaps the relationship is more complicated than you think and you may need a different knowledge-base to approach things differently. Sometimes now matter what you do in relationships with some individuals with moderate to severe BPD symptoms, walking away, minimizing your presence in their life, or setting firm boundaries is the only way to maintain the relationship.

[@julierussell826]

Interesting reading peoples comments. I care for my son who has BPD. He comes across as a spoilt, attention seeking and irresponsible adult, to people that don't understand this condition. In actual fact he is the most sensitive, caring, intelligent individual. Boundaries are so important. We have sat down together and written up boundaries that keep him safe, me safe and he then knows what is acceptable behaviour. The past 6 weeks he has tried to commit suicide because he has been excluded from friends and family because "he is a horrible " person. Judgement & abandonment is so hard for people with BPD. Their emotions are not regulated and they struggle as much as we do with having this! They need lots of love, understanding and support.

[@tennesseerose6400]

I have a personal question' 🙏

[@Psychotechmusichead]

My ex best friend has BPD and now i had to get a restraining order on her cause she became obsessive envious and mean and stalkerish

[@sarahpowell7981]

Why do they get stressed when at work how do you respond to that person

[@jimmycolwill9453]

Gorgeous lady

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you🙂

[@Cooww]

I need some help guys. Idk what to do, i’m only 13. my best friend has bpd and it’s really hard to be her friend. she’s really clingy and gets so mad when i talk to someone that’s not her. i don’t want how she acts to affect me. but i can’t be friends with her it’s too hard. but i can’t not be friends with her because she will break down. someone please help me with this😭

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry my dear. I understand where you are coming from. I can offer some suggestions: 1. You may not be able to but I suggest figuring out if she truly has BPD. It's so easy for anyone to Google symptoms and say they have something. It also gives some kids an "excuse" for treating others a certain way, especially if it isn't something you can prove she has. 2. You can set boundaries nicely and don't feel ashamed of having to take a break from her by spending time with other friends. She may attempt to "punish" you for this, but the more you stand strong the better things will be for you. 3. I would also talk to your school counselor or a trusted adult about this to see what perspetive they might give you. 4. Once you figure out what to do, take your stance. You can still be nice from a distance if it will give you peace of mind. Take care

[@Cooww]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much! this helped a lot! u take care too!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

@Cooww thank you 😊 So glad.

[@bhumphries1360]

Is an unstructured childhood always present in BPD?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is a great question. No. Not always. It's just like that belief that all people with borderline personality suffer childhood trauma. Not everyone does. BPD is different in everyone and the "cause" of the symptoms may vary.

[@Yourlocalvamp13]

What’s confusing to me, is my sister had an amazing childhood, we have videos and pictures and I was literally there, lol so it wasn’t caused by trauma… so the root is so unclear to me, she dated this one guy though and it seemed like after that ( they fought ALOT and he also cheated on her and she hit him etc) but after that relationship she changed, could it happen later on in life after a relationship? Cause she was never like this until after him and that was maybe 7 Years ago, she’s irritated, aggressive, fights often but then cries to make you feel bad, she also fights and argues about the mosh mundane things that I have no clue why anyone would get mad about, like having a diff opinion then her, she will FLIP and she’s super controlling, always talking shit about people

[@blackpinkluv9869]

So my friend recently quit her job and she was in a really god position. But I think she did it out of impulse. She also ghosts everyone for a couple months but I’m not sure if it’s Bc she has bpd

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes, that could be because most individuals with BPD struggle with managing their emotions and then thinking through things before acting. Impulsivity is a major challenge sometimes.

[@blackpinkluv9869]

@@TherapistTamaraHill she ignored everyone but then invited us to her party this week. I’m going to go but I’m also not going to give into the drama along with it

[@A.nameless.monster]

Okay but how should I behave if my partner has it?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That's a question for a therapist that has decided to see you. I suggest reading up on borderline personality disorder in self-help books rather than just simply online. The book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" may be a good start.

[@caitlinsloan3357]

Parts of this is so wrong. We become emotionally unstable when we are treated as though our emotions don’t matter. We NEED validation. And we’re not all angry violent people. I’m certainly not.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Agree! Everyone with BPD is different. In this older video I am only addressing a certain personality and that may not be yours.

[@ingredients123]

I agree, invalidating the support seeking behaviour is what would make it go into overdrive. Kindness is so important.

[@Frau.Kanzlerin]

I agree, but also keep in mind that it's not only okay, but important for people in the person's life to establish strong boundaries so their own mental health doesn't suffer.

[@nickiiimar]

Can I ask you something? My partner has BPD & when he's triggered & rages he gets violent & abusive. He doesn't realize he had a problem & refuses to get help or see a professional. I don't know how to deal with him. I'm tired of being beat up, & tore down emotionally & things being thrown & broken in our house. I'm about to leave his ass cuz im no professional & im tired of being abused & walking on egg shells. #1 I'm so sorry for all the ppl that have to live with this disorder. I would love to know " if you fear abandonment or loneliness then why do you hurt the main ppl that love you or the ppl closest to you? "Why? I just don't get it? I want to understand. If your raging at someone & punching them leaving bruises how could you expect them to stay? Or to forgive & forget & continue the cycle day after day? I'm so damaged now from all the abuse to the point where I need a therapist. Don't think this relationship of toxicity & abuse is worth it. How do you get someone with BPD to realize they have a problem so they can go get help??????

[@xchrysantha]

@@nickiiimar As someone with BPD, raised by a parent with BPD, who has also been in abusive relationships: 1. You absolutely deserve better and I hope you were able to get out of that awful relationship. Even though people with BPD need compassion and understanding just like any other human being, that does NOT mean we're absolved of our responsibility for our actions, and it does NOT mean that our behavior should be tolerated. 2. I don't know if answering your question will help you in your healing, but I can say that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing was your fault, you did the best you could, you didn't do anything wrong, and it wasn't about love. When people with BPD get triggered, at some point we get lost and unreachable in the intense emotion, fear, and fight-or-flight response we experience. It's a cage in our brain that was built from childhood, and our loved ones that we lash out at had nothing to do with it being there. WE have to be the ones to take ourselves out of it. 3. The best way I think to have someone realize that they have a problem and they need help is with compassion, understanding, and validation. And letting them know that the suffering they go through can get better, that it's not who they are as a person, it's just something they're going through. That last part is pretty important. But the hardest thing to accept as a loved one is that at some point, it's up to us to accept that we have a problem and to get the help. No one can do it for us. My heart aches for you and what you had to go through, and I sincerely hope that you've gotten through to the other side and have been healing and loving yourself.

[@radioheadphonez]

Sounds like chronic victim mentality to me... I wonder if diagnosing bpd even helps at all? All these psychological classifications for mental instability... Does it help at all to classify someone as ill? Does modern psychology help at all, except prescribing pills?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Good point, Jay, in terms of diagnosis. Sometimes they are helpful and other times they are not. They are very linear and narrow and often do not encompass (as other medical diagnoses) the full picture of the patient before us as clinicians. We can only classify an individual using a diagnosis to provide some order to the way the person will be treated over time. Diagnosis is also important for billing insurance and communicating with the patient, the family, and other professionals. Try to look at diagnoses as the vehicle that drives treatment, billing, insurance, etc.

[@radioheadphonez]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks!

[@jewfair8711]

I really thought you would address what to do and say when a partner has actually wronged the bpd. We don't just imagine all slights against us.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Not in this video. The title is: "How to treat someone with BPD." It's obviously for someone who needs validation and to understand the person with BPD. For an in-depth look at what you are referring to, try this one by the field's leading expert: kzbin.info/www/bejne/b2eadJ6XqZyZb5o

[@elizb7211]

This video made me wanna kms aha

[@shirleysiegrist552]

I am not in agreement with the causes outlined in this video. I believe there is a genetic component that is yet to be verified. I am an early child elementary school teacher and my daughter is BPD. She had a loving nurturing home life and an incredible amount of support. She was born difficult and I knew there was some thing different about her very early on. Her father went on to be diagnosed with bipolar and abandoned her at seven. That is the only trauma that I am aware of that she experienced. But the markers were there by 18 months or so. She could not be soothed. she could not deal with changes in seasons and routines.She was sensitive to fabrics. She also met the criteria for oppositional defiant disorder. All this to say that it is not always the home life and the parenting and it is a great disservice to parents trying to help their children by casting the blame on them. I am sure there are certain number of cases where it is true that the quality of parenting and home life is severely lacking but this is not always the case and in my experience when parents hear this it creates extreme guilt and they go over their entire lives with a fine tooth comb trying to figure out what exactly the trauma was. I believe the study of genetics will show at some point that there is a genetic factor.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Shirley, I certainly understand the argument here and I think most professionals would agree that no one factor "causes BPD." When this video was filmed (over 4.5yrs ago) the idea of BPD was similar to my experience discussed in this video. NOW... we know a lot more about BPD. Thankfully, research is continuing to go forth in many ways to help families. It is important, however, for you to understand that parents aren't always to blame -- but this is sometimes an important part of the diagnosis. There are families where BPD has been the result of a poor parent-child relationship, unhealthy family dynamics, abuse, traumatic bonding, etc. We, as mental health professionals, now see that BPD is caused by an invalidating childhood/family environment as well as many other factors including genes/biology. As painful as it may be -- or unrelated to your situation -- these are factors that often do underlie BPD. These articles may lend some insights: 1. www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder 2. www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/causes/ Once we move away from personalizing the diagnosis and begin to look at every individual with this condition as being impacted in different ways, we can move forward a lot better.

[@stephenhagan9988]

Being abandoned by your father at 7 isn’t sufficient childhood trauma?

[@elysianfibres1642]

I have enjoyed watching your videos so far, but I really feel like you added fuel to the stigma fire. You made people with BPD sound like violent predators, and that's not the case at all with me. I direct all my anger and hatred inwards. I really disliked the way you characterised me, but that's your prerogative. I hope you will not further stereotype people with BPD in your future videos. Again, I appreciate your videos, but I really feel that your characterisation of us here was judgemental at best and bitter at worst.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thanks for your input. I decided to approve your comment to be listed because it's a great opportunity to address the issues that some with BPD have with these kind of representations. I don't blame you for feeling targeted or singled out when hearing of characteristics of BPD that tends to occur in a small population. In fact, many of the characterizations in the video have a lot to do with current research which connects BPD with sociopathic traits in females. The video was a little bit edgy and I think there's always a better way to present material. That's my goal every video. But I will not avoid saying some of these characteristics are indicative of BPD in some individuals. We have to keep in mind that BPD is not the same in everybody and this video highlighted only the negative and detrimental aspects of the disorder in some people.

[@elysianfibres1642]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Absolutely. Thanks for pointing that out.

[@mannyreacts944]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Hey Ms. Hill, love your videos. I'm late to this one, but coming from a teacher, I just wanted to say that this particular interaction serves as a helpful model on how to interact with folks who have BPD! Quick, firm, objective, and pleasant!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

@@mannyreacts944 thank you!! It is controversial for sure but I appreciate this analysis!

[@bellavend]

Not all BPDs had abusive childhoods. That's absolutely irresponsible to say and to be honest, dangerously ignorant. Stopped listening to this video after 2 mins.

[@drinkmorewater5341]

That's why she said "may have" had trauma. She clearly explained that not all people with BPD have had traumas.

[@blisslilly1]

She said 'may have'

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you @blisslilly

[@jaybo619]

I guess you didn’t listen to what she said. Please stop judging this lady’s videos. Her videos are very insightful and providing necessary information.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you @jaybo619💖 Sadly, people hear what they want.