How to understand people who irritate or upset you

[@vitalmindcoaching]

Please keep in mind the following when commenting: I am unable to provide specific advice or a clinical opinion through the comments section. For this reason, please avoid giving specific details of your own personal history/struggles as I am unable to monitor how others respond to such comments. I am open to ideas and suggestions for future videos which may be relevant to a specific question you have in mind.

[@homebrandrules]

Vital Mind Psychology SALAAMS HABIBI SHOOKRAN, TODAH, THANKYOU

[@emilylumantes3614]

Do you have video on guilt? Would love to listen Thank you Continue success

[@persysnzuwa9620]

Just wanted to say thank you for your videos. I have learned many things about my ex and many more about myself. I wonder if you would explain the disorder called DMDD more so on the part of therapy. I’ve read that cognitive therapy is what it’s suggested but, I haven’t found anything related to a male teenager with DMDD. Thank you.

[@sockpuppet2415]

@@persysnzuwa9620 please define DMDD Developmental Major Depressive Disorder?

[@carolesmith9235]

What I found out, after years of observation, is :If I had issues with someone it turns out others had SIMILAR issues with the SAME person. That really helped me too, along with this video. Thank you...

[@nihilistcentraluk442]

For the narcissist it is personal, they are trying to hurt you and there are a very large number of them out there.Bullies mean to bully.If someone behaves in a way which causes distress and does repeatedly this is an abnormality.

[@joanbaczek2575]

aahhh, i take it to personal, i have to keep reminding myself "people do what comes natural to them" not just to target me

[@Kristen10-22]

joan baczek ask yourself what is it about this person that reminds me of someone in my past?

[@Xscape128]

@@suicidalbunnie yeah, I need to pin that to my door to look at before I outside

[@juliechurch1799]

From USA . Just look through them or laugh

[@KerryHopkins]

When people on auto-pilot trigger you, it means you have a wound there from your past. So bring on the emotional triggers I say, (to some extent) so that we can heal through awareness of them and have more joy!

[@commonsenselucy5697]

Kerry "SO TRUE!!!" It's hard, though. We often just want to "cut and run or HIDE." Shalom.

[@babaken4358]

Don't share ya past. If things are said out of no where dont react. Observe and if possible avoid them or use trick verbiage n agree wit them then discard them

[@LavenderFrog]

I can see how that would be the case in some situations, depending on the trigger. But not all of them. Some just know how to irritate you and keep poking the bear until they get a reaction. My narc knows I like my quiet time. He comes and starts poking my arm, making noises, squeezes my hands and just does little irritating things and when I ask him to stop, he says, “why are you mad? Your mistreating me. You know you like it” That could trigger anyone without having a wound from the past.

[@mangs9940]

@Kerry. I think there is truth there. But I think it oversimplifies our complex emotions. We all get wounded in life. But irrespective of our experience we all have different ways of possessing feelings.

[@juliechurch1799]

From USA . Just talk about dogs bore them

[@RachelFayLovelyDay]

I really struggle to accept behaviour in other people which shows a blatant disregard for anyone else - i.e. I know it's not personally directed towards me, but it's just downright inconsiderate, and I feel the same kind of internal emotional response (anxiety, distress, anger etc.) as if it were a personal attack.

[@YEC999]

There is a high chance that you have narcissistic traits. Literally all my friends that have a diagnosed NPD (from psychologist) would say it almost with the same words. YOU feel not reckognized, the behaviours of the others might be not so dramatic as you feel it.

[@mialite7959]

Rachel Fay - Don't listen to YEC999.

[@trelkel3805]

People accuse me of being inconsiderate quite a bit but their idea of inconsiderate is different to mine and when they act "considerate" to me I find it annoying and patronizing. I think you are just expressing what this video is all about, unless you are dealing with an actual narcissist all you are witnessing is 2 different world views.

[@kellyleighread807]

Triggers. May I be so bold as to suggest that you make a plan. Learn what your triggers are. I know that when I can't think or make a decision that I am triggered. I Close my eyes & think of breathing. I also try not to speak. May blessings be upon you each day.

[@mrskhan597]

Kellyleigh Read, this sounds great. Can you please elaborate a bit on how to make a plan?

[@di_kid00]

Others behaviors, whether it triggers uncomfortable feelings within ourselves are theirs to own, not ours to take in and make personal. To be able to separate others feelings, words, actions, etc and to have no resistance to it has been the key for feeling I am championing my own inner child/sensitivity. As I fight for myself by not allowing others' influence and actions affect my inner core nor to shake my grounding. Their actions are theirs alone to own up to, not mine to carry.

[@lorrainecortes7296]

I carry resentments, I pray for them which helps me to let go.

[@brandaccount7124]

Because of your videos I now have developed these skills: ...if someone annoys or is difficult I now automatically assume in my mind that they are narcissistically injured and that they are acting out on me, until they prove otherwise. Then I stand back and observe to identify if this is indeed happening. Sometimes it is someone just having a bad day, etc And more often than not I gather enough evidence that they are the narcissists that you describe. Then I feel vindicated and I grant myself the gift of withdrawing, or to interact in as minimal a way as possible with them to assure my peace of mind ongoing. I never blame myself anymore for feeling badly about someone’s behavior towards me. ... even more interestingly for me is when I apply your 3 stages of covert narcissism model. I learned from you that coverts have three stages in their progression of the disease. My husband followed perfectly your outlined stages of deterioration.(your covet narcissism video). I am no longer with him for 7 years. So now when someone troubles me vis a vis their interactions with me I now stand back and determine at what level of the 3 levels they are displaying. With someone I know recently who went berserk on me, I realized she is in deep trouble in her progression and therefore I know at some point she will turn on me completely and place me on the enemies list for herself and it is only a matter of time for her to turn everyone we know in common against me. It is a certainty. Your videos have helped me enormously even though I am 7 years along in my full blown PTSD recovery process. It takes a long long time, but then I have been in abusive relationships since birth. I have totally changed my life and tried to embrace immediately healthy recovery tips because the pain of staying in that codependent trap was too excruciating to continue. Thank you!

[@MIGHTYMOBTARDSATLARGE]

It is hard, I know. We should not have to go through this, but these lessons are gold for us. God Bless and keep up the good recovery!

[@lovewhitey2027]

Fantastic testimony ✍🏻It is a painful healing process but once you see all the signs 🪧 Talk 20% Listen 80%( FBI agent said this) you can fade out.. Make sure check out his Empath videos magnesium helps immensely and Epsom salt baths..to stay calmer .. Also Pete Walkers work on CPTSD is fantastic you will enjoy it... Keep healing warrior Im proud of U 🙏🏻🌺🌸🌷

[@thedeepend4419]

I needed to hear this message. Thank you!

[@johannawickham5529]

This can take a while to grasp though especially with a sensitive soul, and the current reactive state of mind that individual is locked into, but definitely I agree and ive experienced this... helps to be able discern and not take things personally. Your videos are great!

[@sarahjensen2473]

Thanks, Doctor. I would suggest that people bothered by someone's perfectionistic comments ask what they mean, instead of assuming. I don't point things out unless I respect someone. If I "criticize" something, it is usually because I have had an "aha" moment. It's not so much a reflection on you as it is on me (just like everyone else's expression), yet people tend to assume that I am being critical in the sense of passing judgement, which is not likely to be the case. Mind reading doesn't work and only keeps people from understanding each other.

[@nancywysemen7196]

good to be reminded that really we live out of our own life experiences,not over the shoulder of the other. not plugged into his narration or station. separate is equal,not a mash-up.

[@deannawanzo7629]

Dr Saad! I'm so thankful for your videos and LOVE your gentle and kind presentations. You've unlocked for me great understanding about the where, who, when, why and how of my becoming me. With your insight/advice, I am able to recognize and break deep & long standing relationship patterns that have most certainly NOT been healthy nor uplifting. Still need to keep practicing. Thank you many, many times for helping me to regain hope for better things in personal relationships.

[@evaweiss132]

Thank you Deanna for your kind message to Dr Saad. I feel the same. Be blessed.

[@mayelinhernandez119]

You have a soothing voice😌

[@louiseroman1145]

Great insight into interpersonal conflicts minus the Narcissist, with just the garden variety other person.

[@SwitchedOn01]

I’ve learned so much from your videos I’m now starting at the beginning and plan to watch them all. Much appreciated for all you do. I’ve already sent you an email regarding coaching. Keep up the great work!

[@lovewhitey2027]

Ive studied for years he is the best ✍🏻Hope you were able to start his coaching

[@KellsSmith1244]

This is a good one. I had an employer who had new hires read a book called Please Understand Me II by Meyers Briggs. It probably saved me from quitting because I had to occasionally work with someone I normally wouldn't get along with because I'm so sensitive.

[@antonioz8190]

You are amazing. I could listen to you all day. Thank you for these videos they really help me.

[@nancywysemen7196]

good to see you back. i find i am troubled by being around anxious,bossy,sure they are right types sad. they are lively and warm and engaged too....... oh boy.

[@crypticcorgi8280]

Thank you. You helped me realized this conflict in myself.

[@WestLakeAngel]

Subscribed! Psychology fascinates me. I'm going to watch these in the order you posted them. My personal feedback - I love your voice, and I really like the background with the building outside the window. It's just pretty. Thank you for sharing your thoughts - I am looking forward to watching the others!

[@jlockwood65]

Hello! Love to see your own development thru these videos. Wonderful example of living your best life.

[@rebeccam683]

i just watched both your videos... they are excellent. You have given me some ideas... to try. You have no idea how many people i have spoken to try and help me with this... thanks mate

[@vitalmindcoaching]

Thank you for your feedback, Rebecca. I am very glad you have found the content useful. I look forward to making more videos. You can also find more information about our practice here facebook.com/vitalmindpsych/

[@jilliansmith7123]

Sir: I LOVE your shirt. It's perfect in this vid. I also LOVE your vids as you are so clear and every sentence is important to the topic. You are unusually good at this. Thank you so much for giving these to us.

[@vanginmi]

I really like your videos and appreciate the time and effort to share knowledge. Thank-you.

[@jlockwood65]

Work on relieving my item distress! love it.

[@lilybassiri8866]

That was good to know, thank you. we also need to realise that its the Ego that we deal with in most hurtfull situations, which is responsible for that behaviour. Its a separate thing from the actual person. It makes us do things to feed itself.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

For an excellent interview on this topic, or a variation thereof, watch Daniel Goldman on an old Google Talks. He talks about the Amygdala. Sometimes there are physical abnormalities that effect communication responses. These undesirable responses can be controlled if awareness of the underlying condition is known. His discussion is fascinating from several aspects. He also wrote a book called Social Intelligence on Audiobooks. too.

[@michellefumo4846]

So good! Thanks Abdul!!! I'm learning SO much through your videos! Michelle Bonita Springs Fl USA

[@oregondude9411]

Your videos help a lot. Thank you!

[@heloisasa3715]

Thank you so so so much!!! You just answered my greatest question! Thank you!!!

[@ayeshaahmad9943]

Please keep up the great work...you are Source energy at its purest....

[@judyl.761]

Fantastic. Helpful!

[@irenewatson]

I am fortunate in not having anyone else in my life who treats me badly.Only the narcissist makes my whole body tingle with a feeling of them wishing to harm me. I have invested in security cameras outside,so wherever they are,I ensure I am somewhere else.Proximity is definitely a trigger for them. You are what you think,so I create an inner calm in my body.Regardless of their quest to control me,I am mentally stronger than they are so it's not going to happen.

[@lolisierra8754]

Good...take into acount the other's vulnerabilities and our own ones. Helps us to take emotional distance!!!!

[@Kristen10-22]

What drives them is complete insecurity

[@forerunness]

Beautifully explained. Thank you Dr Saad.

[@addapavan5200]

Nice & helpful video. Thank you.

[@brucelee9941]

I needed this reminder, I’m dealing with baby’s mother who behaves like this

[@hightidesmrforever2themoon449]

Very interesting. Thank you.

[@Angesjw135]

Yeah we often take everything so personal. Usually it’s not something personal.

[@gabe-po9yi]

Interactions with ‘irritating’ people aren’t always one-on-one. Think of the times you’ve been in a group situation, whether it be for a project or just playing cards, where they’re not addressing you, specifically. There are two things that help me and, granted, I’m not always successful. I try to examine what it is about the person that irritates me and ask myself why. Why am I triggered by them. Are they a mirror of something I don’t like about myself, is it because their apparent needs conflict strongly with something about me, do they remind me of something in my childhood that I perhaps disliked about my parent. Secondly, I observe people who seem to accept everyone as they are; the ones who make everyone feel valued. I watch carefully how they handle the person who irritates me. I think of how they interact with me with my own insecurities and triggers and why I like them so much. I notice they don’t get into power struggles with people and how they end up defusing others and getting cooperation from all. Sometimes it just kills me to do what they do, lol. And sometimes I fail miserably.

[@velvetsimmons9513]

PEOPLE, IN MY OPINION ARE SO DIFFERENT IN SO MANY WAYS. IF THERE IS A FEELING OF SLIGHT OR MISUNDERSTANDINGS, I ADDRESS THEM IMMEDIATELY. TOO OFTEN, I EXCUSE MYSELF WITH NO HARD FEELINGS. BECAUSE A FEELING IS JUST THAT AND THEY ARE FLEETING. I ENJOY BEING WITH PEOPLE

[@annrobinson7766]

Very wise advice sir.

[@karenhodges7545]

Thank you. Succinct and relevant

[@MsTilda2]

Thank you, really like your style of explaining things, 👌🙏

[@franktoyou]

What is the difference between a person as you describe here being on auto pilot and a Narcissist? It seems to me that almost every one that offends or hurts someone this way (auto pilot) will be defensive about their behaviour and try to justify it. If you find yourself having to explain "common sense" to the person over and over, is this an indication that you are dealing with a "Narcissist" ? This happens to me very often and it is very confusing.

[@stephena1196]

Francois Rivest Different people can sometimes have a different perception of what common sense is. What I found most helpful was a book called " I'm not crazy, I'm just not you". It talks about 4 basic character traits, I found myself near the middle apart from one where I was clearly towards one extreme. I have a good friend with whom I have nothing in common, but get on very well with and she is also towards the same extreme. Also a couple of family members I'd found hard to get along with had the opposite extreme of that same trait. It's appears likely that one of your traits is markedly towards one extreme.

[@newworldorder8002]

Yes they get off on your 'age' frustration, it's supply. .

[@YEC999]

Dude YOU are the narcissist. Its your common sense. A person with a different personality has a very different common sense. To say this was the whole purpose of the video. Maybe watch it again?

[@debbiebates8099]

YEC999 that is your opinion that he is the narc. The narc likes "crazy making" behavior to get reactions from others. Common sense is something commonly shared. My advice is to distance from those people and start calming our own nervous system and get out of reaction mode. We can't change others, we can set up boundaries.

[@mamuwaldevoudoupractitione3518]

Debbie Within 5 Stars ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Well said and the absolute truth! 👍👍

[@holly.7971]

Excellent!

[@JamesSmith-kt3bi]

Thanks very helpful.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

Best thing is know all the red flags of a narcissist and rid them from your life. The rest are mostly harmless.

[@privateprivate8366]

I think that in my personal experience, sometimes, it is intentional, particularly in the workplace. I’ve worked in a lot of different workplaces and I’ve seen the smirk of schadenfreude that someone will have, because they know they saved something for you to work on overnight, during the weekend or that cancels your vacation. Sometimes, I look at the general functioning of a person and, although it would be true that it is an assumption or prejudice on my part, I can see where someone might be using their own prejudice to cause me to work harder, because they assumption may be that, because I’m black, I need to do so OR because I’ve made the mistake of telling of my mother’s narcissistic abuse and, as many have experienced, no one believes them so, others decide that, if you aren’t going to engage with and live at the whim of an abusive, narcissistic mother, whether they actually believe you or not, that they’ll have plenty of things to fill up your free time. That said, I do know that it isn’t always the case. That some work environments, if you want or need to be a part of them, they function as a machine that will directly steamroll over your life and your health and that everyone belonging to the organization must dance to this tune, even if it is quite uncomfortable or even miserable for them. Either way, I do find it sometimes stressful and even enraging as, whether or not it is intentional, the effect is much the same. You are run right out of your life, it feels meaningless and feelingless, you’re forced to grin and bear it. That, whether it is intentional or not, you’re still going to be working through midnight tonight and a few more nights, while you fall behind in your personal goals, your house cleaning, you physical health and while dust overcomes you. Perhaps, for me, intentional or not, it still makes me push away from people. I’ve gotten so I won’t speak with neighbors on my off time as, I’m closed for business, as far as I’m concerned. That, although the world would like for you to be open and limitless to it’s wants and needs, yes, there is actually a limit. It’s why there are doors with locks and phones that go unanswered. Boundaries are really important against the world. If you have to hide, hide then. Also, I think I may have seen this “ran me right out of my own life” look on some people and I’ve done it myself in some workplaces. What I mean by this is showing up for work, disheveled, everyday. It’s like a visual micro-aggression that “may” actually be expressing, “Well, if you want for me to have so little time in my own life, this is the result you’ll need to live with.” Something that’s not typically a fire-able offense. But, you get the sense that the person is conveying that they’ll give others something to dislike, as well. It may even serve as a bit of a moat, particularly if they choose not to shower also. I guess we all have devices through who we deal with imposition.

[@privateprivate8366]

By the way, I also find it difficult that I think that, when some see you as a person that doesn’t know how to say no for your job, they feel it’s so in your personal life, as well. Then, they become quite disappointed to learn that’s not at all true.

[@nadineelizabeth195]

When you mentioned someone has a vulnerability to control and someone has a vulnerability to criticism is me and my dad's relationship to a T

[@69LOLIN]

Good...it is not personal! 👆👍

[@mitchellrose3620]

Helpful. Thanks.

[@aquastone4792]

how can you tell if the person is deliberately irritating you or if it's unintentional? This is a big problem for me since I always think it's innocent

[@akakonoha]

Please note that KZbin subtitles translated your name as.... "... Hi, I'm Apple sod...." 😬 😝

[@lindaframpton2193]

I would so appreciate more depth on this..

[@leonardniamh]

Very grateful

[@kathrynschnerch8258]

I am very interested in your videos . I was wondering if you could give examples on how to speak to a type A personality when they are controlling a situation such as a gathering. What words can we use to relax them?

[@vitalmindcoaching]

Thanks, Kathryn. Unfortunately there are no textbook answers or lines that can be used when we are dealing with creatures as complex as us humans! I wish I could be more helpful.

[@Melitta-zx4sf]

What is type A personality ?

[@jilliansmith7123]

Melitta: driving, dominant, controlling, forceful, my way or the highway. It used to be said Type As got more heart attacks...now sometimes it's said Type As CAUSE more heart attacks by making everyone around them NUTS.

[@juliechurch1799]

From USA . I think type A is eccentric strange weird

[@melissastory1630]

What would your assessment of the other person who may be naturally more controlling because of anxiety be? Is it recommended for this type of person to try to find someone as prone to order as them, or is this a, in lieu of a better word, flaw, that the person should try to work on? I guess another way to phrase it would be, can someone who is on the perfectionist side have healthy relationships before dealing with the perfectionism?

[@babaken4358]

Some ppl reaction to you could be a projection of your subconscious beliefs. Some other incidences it's there insecurities cast at you or hate and then you have gangstalker who used to upset you. You have to look at them like they have 2 heads and or verbally sway them by talking them down by sarcasm or ignore them.

[@vickikondylas555]

garden variety lol i like that saying////many THANKS

[@Kristen10-22]

Dying to know what you believe in the Borderine Personality Disorder Dx. As someone who has Bpd I need to ask myself who is this person reminding me of? What is it about them that reminds me of my abuser?

[@audreyandrea460]

Thank you

[@emf3391]

My mother said to use reverse psychology.

[@klattalexis]

As in Road Rage too?

[@leonardniamh]

Grateful

[@canericacanada]

That’s a lot of pills on your desk behind you my friend. Very much enjoy your insightful opinions.

[@summaiyarobi4915]

I think they are supplements 🙃

[@stuarthdoblin]

@1:09: "People do what comes natural to them". imho, when dealing with dysfunction or healing, the patient is no longer healthy, whole or natural, ergo 'natural or instinctual' should be avoided and replaced with, "familiar", the statement would thus read, "Distressed people, do what is "familiar", healthy people what is instinctual."

[@vitalmindcoaching]

Hi Stuart. Thank you for your feedback. In the interest of time I won't reply to all your comments. It's obvious you are a very erudite gentleman with a masterful command of the English language. Thanks for watching.

[@jazura2]

Stuart Doblin Brilliant comment. Words are so important..Distinctions are necessary

[@YEC999]

I found natural much better.

[@davefischer2344]

very interesting

[@dixieginger1224]

Dear Dr. Saad, please tell me, is it helpful for a therapist to treat a husband and wife separately, as two separate patients (talking about each other to the therapist, of course), or is it necessary for the husband and wife to see two separate therapists?

[@lolisierra8754]

Dixie Ginger separate therapists....!

[@robertkemp185]

Individual therapy often can solve the problems in a marriage. It is about change and trying to find ways to make a relationship work

[@Ebrahim013-t4z]

Thanks a lot :)

[@rayleapaterson6627]

Thankyou 🦋

[@kareemmohammed5270]

very true

[@elenabelacastre7789]

WHEN WE MEET SOMEONE WHO TRIGGERS US & GETS UNDER OUR SKIN & STILL THE SAME AFTER 2 YRS! IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM! AS A CHRISTIAN THOUGH, IU CAN TRY & MAKE THEM SEE CERTAIN THINGS THAT IS CAUSING UNHAPPINESS IN THEIR LIVES & IF THE PERSON CAN'T SEE IT, OR IS NOT OPEN TO IT! ITS TIME TO SAY ADIOS, SPECIALLY WHEN THEIR WAYS AFFECT US DIRECTLY, &; IHAS BEEN A PATTERN ALL ALONG WE ARE NOT PSYCHIATRISTS!, BUT WITH EVERY PERSON U INTERACT WITH, U ALSO REALIZE WHAT UR GONA PUT UP WITH, HOW UR GONA REACT & HOW GREAT IT FEELS TO KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY, PEOPLE DONT CHANGE UNLESS THEY SEE THEIR WAYS & U DONT HAVE TO STAND THERE LIKE THEIR PUNCHING BAG!, UNTIL SUCH TIME!🤜🤜🤜🤜💤💤💤💤💤

[@nadineelizabeth195]

So you want us to be more patient with them 😅

[@Kristen10-22]

I can’t stand “auto pilot” people! I expect people to behave like me... severe empathy.

[@shanejett3550]

99,190 subs.

[@maynardkrebs9865]

I mean no disrespect but after watching this twice, I didn’t find this video helpful

[@caliinthevalley24681]

Really enjoying your chanel and content.