What Is Your Attachment Style?

Attachment theory refers to a set of ideas formulated by psychologists in the 1960s that gives us an exceptionally useful guide to how we behave in relationships. Knowing whether we are secure, anxious or avoidant in our attachment patterns gives us a vocabulary with which to get on top of some very tricky dynamics and helps us grow into more predictable and more joyful companions in love.
Enjoying our KZbin videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/dlCF4
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/qQa9X
FURTHER READING
“One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985. The work of two University of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, the questionnaire asked readers to identify which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on SELF in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLself
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
X: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Julia Marchowska
marchowskajulia.wixsite.com/m...

[@pithyprincess8484]

Imagine being secure, must be nice

[@puellabella3580]

Anxious/secure doesnt sound so bad either

[@kcb342]

Must be fucking nice

[@tiredcatman7381]

I am, at least in love, but that doesn't mean that I won't get damaged by toxic relationships.

[@anxdry_]

Well, yes... but that doesn’t mean we won’t get hurt by people we love and appreciate when they would do/say something that can broke us. My point is that yes, we might be secure, but we also can get hurt very deeply, just like everyone.

[@sofialaya596]

not allways, I've seen secure people get so tired of the other tipes they end up with problems too, or angry at the world

[@Ty-ub4nc]

So instead of "hey girl, what's your sign?" It's "hey girl, what's your shape?"

[@analuciadionisio1252]

Hey guurl, whats your attachment style?

[@rileyambrose3444]

LMAOOOO

[@hazelgazini5350]

i just laughed so fucking hard pffffffffffffffffft

[@mangoperc]

Omg this got me😆

[@mishylove]

If more people did that they would be a lot less broken hearts.

[@paygewyman5952]

Hey, student and practitioner in psych here! I just want to point out that there is another attachment style called "Disorganized" which is very common and typically has characteristics of two or more of the other styles combined together. In case anyone was feeling like they don't "fit" :)

[@TheeNormalGuys]

What do you think about the idea that the main three shouldn't be thought of as distinct labels for people but instead ways to label describe the different relationships that someone has. I feel like I'm usually secure with my girlfriend, but she is a mix of anxious-avoidant. With my friends and family I'm very avoidant.

[@Ra.Sallam]

@@TheeNormalGuys I felt that too, it feels like I have opposite attachment styles when interacting with different people

[@chenaniahsalonga5391]

Thanks for the information

[@ninikim5357]

oh thanks! that actually explains a lot

[@xraye_]

Yeah I got confused since I relate to both B and C together quite significantly. I have a hard time trusting others whilst I'm still developing a relationship with them but once the relationship is developed I feel like I get too intimate and I'm afraid of being too clingy as well.

[@kaiquesilva535]

Just so y’all know... you can change and become secure. I was avoidant until I was 21, after that I pushed through the fear and let someone in, got pretty hurt which reinforced the avoidant feelings. During that period (21 to 26 years old) I was a mix of avoidant and anxious. It was annoying af bc I wanted relationships badly and the intimacy that entails but at the same time “people are so stupid and errr”. Then I realized I was stupid in my own ways and went on a journey to know myself and that made me understand others better and be ok with them and myself. I feel secure now, 27. There will be pain in any relationship, but suffering is optional. To make a long story short, you’re not set in stone, go to therapy, do the work required and set yourself free.

[@ility_]

thank you.

[@kiteknit5505]

Thanks for sharing. I'm currently on that journey of realizing my own stupidity and learning more about myself and others to the point of acceptance. I also yearn for intimacy in relationships lol. Just need to work on being secure.

[@tasiociafancelli9912]

@@kiteknit5505 It is in this conversations on the internet I find great wisdom and a wholesomeness that goes hand in hand with the journey of knowing oneself, thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.

[@Mendoxs_]

@@anjafrohlich1170 I mean.... at least this time it was someone else's fault, not yours (not saying this makes it better but it's a plus I guess)

[@dietrichrosiers8184]

But how does one set him/herself free? Half of the time those who have these struggles are the ones who don't even properly know who they themselves are, let alone know how to liberate themselves. Sometimes I really want to change and apply all the psychological theory in my life, but at the same time, isn't the truth 'Just be yourself' not the more pressing one? Won't endless self-reflection drag us down into a spiral of confusion and (ironically) anxiousness?... It is such a difficult process, to which I don't know how to properly manage.

[@wheezetube607]

Glad to know I'm avoidant, Now I can continue avoiding people while knowing the correct term for it

[@music4everization]

Hahahahahah

[@whiteparasol7341]

lol

[@chau3434]

me too akdusjdhd

[@wheezetube607]

@@chau3434 😉

[@wheezetube607]

@@whiteparasol7341 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[@mcleanephatha]

This video just called me Damaged for 6 minutes straight

[@tanishalewis7591]

lol...basically

[@41linestreet]

My man I just gave you your thounsandth like 👍🏻

[@mcleanephatha]

@@41linestreet Omg Thank you😂❤❤

[@Rabbitthat]

It's obviously lovely to have the secure style but all three styles have advantages. E.g. anxiously attatched people are better at reading emotions on facial expressions (but do need to slow down and wait, double check, because they tend to be pessimistic about those emotions and where it's ambiguous will assume the worst.

[@clementinecritique]

@@Rabbitthat Definitely these three styles come with their particular strength. There is another way of looking at the experience of watching this video. Let's first suppose that this video has some scientific truth value. I aim to answer the three questions: 1) Can we strictly distinguish three attachment styles? 2) How strongly do we feel the need to answer the question in the title seriously? 3) To what degree is this video practical? I will focus on the ambiguous usages of geometrical shapes( the circle, triangle and square). I argue that this video is based on symbolic language or cultural imagery so it can appeal to our emotions, in order to teach us theories more effectively. This video introduces attachment theories and invites us to identify ourselves. We see three models of the self in the animated world and only the secure type is favoured by the narrator from the perspective of psychologists. We learn that each self seems to be quite distinct from the other and most of us experience insecure relationship. This video serves as a small clinical practice for us to reflect on our personal development. At the level of introduction, I think the narration works well to awaken our seeming damaged inner selves, for it tells small stories about problematic relationships everyone may experience in everyday life. It invokes emotional responses and even self-critiques. I believe that the success of this video relies on its visualisation of characters whose shapes and colours are easily sensed without promises of scientific truth of ourselves. The primary meanings of ourselves are matched to three geometric shapes -circle, triangle and square, among which the anxious type and the avoidant type actually use the same symbols interchangeably. The circle pictures a secure self who can have a positive relationship and a good balance between the self and others. Commonly, circles represent wholeness and in many cultures, a circle stands for perfection in unity. As we can see(00:39), the circle gets along well with other shapes and it joins them for harmony. This act leads to more happiness, as they all smile. This is the ideal type of relationship. It assumes that the circle is the most stable and worthwhile symbol. Therefore, the secure type is the standard model of the self. When it comes to the other two types, their differences are made clear strategically based on shared traditions. Firstly, the triangle refers to the anxious partner. By definition, the anxious is fearful of abandonment and wants to be in close proximity to others. In Chinese culture, the sharp points of the triangle can signal aggressiveness. A triangle causes troubles, for it is too rough and it doesn’t know how to mingle with someone else by nature. It typically wants to approach and attack. By contrast, the square represents solidity. The avoidant self needs to create interpersonal distance and are less open. In Native American religion, the square means a safe and permanent place. The critique of the avoidant model is that it is over static and isolated, as square can land firmly on the ground by itself. The geometric symbols are plausible, until the appearance of the scientist, named John Bowlby(2:00). A clear cut between three attachment styles is impossible and the classification is ambiguous. A strange switch happens: the shape of the anxious-attached individual is a square, while the avoidant-attached partner is triangular. This seems to be irrelevant to the narration, which continues to establish solid boundaries between these characters. Nonetheless, this looks like a chance for me to walk away from those boxes. I shall not take other two forms as wrong sites and intentionally look for identical patterns to those symptoms. The video attempts to focus on self-achievement so it firstly makes me feel imprisoned and then, it tries to liberate me by admitting that most of us cannot avoid imperfect designs. Developmental psychology theories examine the childhood bonds with parents and attachment theorists go further to apply those traumatic experiences to adults’ relationships. I start to look back to the picture of the unity, in which the triangle and the square mix well with the circle. I wonder if the power of the circle is really well balanced, for the reason that the unity cannot be formed alone by circles. The power of the circle is exaggerated and mysterious. When it is combined with others, it is so flexible to change itself into a trapezoid. If this video imagines a society as a jigsaw, triangles and squares do contribute to its solidarity. Moreover, the video shows that (00:39) the unity is not a circle. In other words, I question the security-oriented self should be our highest self or a yardstick. This will be definitely rejected by therapists who maintain although there are overlaps between various types, the insecure feelings could not be easily removed without psychological understanding of our insecurity. Eventually, we are back to the fundamental belief of psychotherapy that the self is determined by its inner psyche. To me, applying this theory is interesting and creative. I could be regarded as an anxious person owing to my original problematic bonds. This could also be true that I act like an anxious person because the situation pushes me to behave so. In other words, I don’t fully believe in it, for I already analysed the changeable usages of geometric shapes. I like that the attachment theories provides new framework for me to see the broken self. If I were a triangle, I would not have great power like a circle. I could be aware of my default and improve, but I would always be classified as one in the triangle box. Freedom is possible through the lenses of psychologists. The video asks which type we belong to and it immediately frames us as the targets of psychotherapists. In the end, I suggest that we become aware of its manipulation of symbols to teach theories and after watching it, we’d better not easily agree with those hypothesis of ourselves. The title uses our curiosity, which is a strategy with some insights. At least, the scientific way of telling is a technique which can comfort us.

[@aavya6787]

The options B and C has been interchanged after the first introduction. The square was said as option B and triangle as option C. Got me so confused. 😣

[@katherinei2494]

I thought I was the only one who noticed this lol! 🥲 thank you

[@minnahhussain6461]

Ugh same, it was so confusing

[@mjmulenga3]

No problem for me. I was listening without watching. 😂

[@mrdrproffesornoam]

Saw this and was really hoping there would be an explanation for it. As educational as this video is, I find it mute and unrelatable if I cannot distinguish if I am either B or C. I do not understand why it was done out of order by both flipping the order from left to right into right to left, as well as jumping the middle. I'm a fan of the series, but this is a wrench in the gears as far as my processing of the information given. If this could be clarified, despite the age of the video, it would aid me in properly distinguishing the information being presented.

[@Biig_Boii]

i noticed that too, it made the rest of the video impossibly confusing for me to actually understand.

[@naginiriddle7091]

You are not bad. You are not needy. You have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. I often think so much about my anxious attachment, about my clingyness and neediness, but the way you put it here makes me feel a bit better.

[@ellara1760]

“You are hurt, not bad.” Really needed this, thanks

[@marleywinans3326]

That part made me cry for 5mims straight

[@marytalley2197]

Fr I almost started crying when he said that😭

[@jamieisnotokay3298]

Yeah, it's weird. After going through a really bad friendship, I find that I am no longer secure. I'm anxious about someone abandoning me. I realize now that's why I'm so resentful. I'm hurt.

[@shizukagozen777]

JK Your kitty !!!! 😍😍😍💗

[@Rikon01]

but what if your bad and hurt?

[@raymondAlt]

Being anxious with an avoidant partner: Just imagine being hungry all the time but you only get little crumbs once in a while and you sit there weak and starving but too scared to be annoying if you say you are malnourished and ask for enough food.

[@jessicaj.358]

😢

[@tintinpenaredondo6531]

But both u are suitable to each other

[@4thr447]

Shit fuck shit i fucking feel this every fucking second with my husband who i have a child with. I need help I'm hurting. Please someone tell me how to fix this

[@ernestdavis]

@@4thr447 goto counseling and study attachment types + get some time alone.

[@test1test219]

That is amazingly about the best and yet most simple way of putting it I’ve ever seen. Hungry and too afraid to ask for more for fear of the food being taken completely away with one false move. Wow.

[@DanDanPlaysMusic]

Anxious + avoidant attachment from my avoidant perspective is questioning your own validity and walking on eggshells in conversations. Sometimes just shutting up cause you are too anxious you might upset them

[@msharmony7549]

I have a secure attachment style who tried to date an avoidant recently (i didn't know about attachment styles before). I put up with him for over a year without even being in a distinctive relationship. It emotionally exhausted me so much because of the confusion and the frustration over the question why do they distant themselves everytime we get closer. This video finally removed my confusion and helped me understand their behaviour.

[@Tfe-er1km]

I’m in the same situation (except only 3 months in). We’ve done everything that a couple in serious relationships would do, but when I asked him about it last week he told me he has trauma about serious relationships and now we’re giving it a bit of time for each other to think. It broke me thinking we can’t make it work because I love him so much and it seemed he was in love with me too. He has done so much for me and tells me his feelings but says can’t commit, and I’m so confused and exhausted because he is contradicting himself. If I may ask, what happened afterwards? Did you break up with him or tried being together somehow?

[@wildavis3016]

Not sure if you’re even going to see this. I dated a very anxious type. It was great for the honeymoon phase but once school got hard for both of us, we started spending less time together, which happens in relationships. I’m secure, so I knew that only seeing each other for an hour a day on particularly hard days was okay. In my case, my anxious girlfriend felt unhappy and started to constantly ask me for more. More affection, reassurances, more time, and it was extremely draining for me because I was already giving all I had, but her anxiety ruled her and it made me feel unworthy and unhappy for 6 months or so, until I finally realized that my best will never be enough for her because of her anxiety about me. She would always want me to do more or change, and she became very controlling because her anxiety made her very jealous, too. She tracked my location, told me who to vote for, memorized my class schedule, worked her way into my friend group, and made me share my passwords with her for everything. It made me so unhappy and it really pushed me away and made me become distant with her because her anxiety never seemed to go away, no matter where we were or what we were doing. I kept reminding myself that she was super fun and awesome, and that she would grow from her anxiety, so I tried to hold on, but I was so drained that I stopped wanting to go out to social things with her and her friends because I was walking on eggshells, hoping she couldn’t find something that made her feel unloved by me. It was a terrible cycle and if I told her how she was making me feel, she said that she couldn’t change her feelings and never seemed to try to change. In the end, she broke up with me because she thought she deserved better than what I was giving her. She’s right, but I doubt she cared why I became distant in the first place. Anxious types are very hard for secure people to go out with, but I have always said and I will continue to say that anxiety and insecurity is something that she will grow out of, it’s just sad that I won’t get to see her come out the other side, which is what I was hanging on to for so long.

[@c.t.martin3915]

@@Tfe-er1km How did it work out? Similar situation..

[@mics361]

Oh Jesus the shapes are mixed up. I was so confused,

[@nathankitberro2977]

I observed the same thing. Urgh...

[@agee7777]

ah you are also dyslexic

[@julieannanderson2228]

That threw me off so badly

[@kopfstandsnoopy]

somebody pls fix it.

[@whataboutthis10]

No worries, the theory itself is mixed up as well

[@kathexinemae]

“When they attack you, see that they are longing for love.” I work with autistic children and anytime one breaks down over something trivial and I ask if they want a hug, they collapse into my arms and bawl. It’s both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know they both trust me and know I see their frustration.

[@izakopalma7093]

Katherine Mae Thank you for the work you are doing in our society, we need more people with great hearts and warm arms, THANK YOU !!!!! PS: make sure you get love and confort back because you can’t give what you don’t receive, I pray that you receive God’s love, he loved you first and he gave you the best when he sent his son Jesus Christ and if you believe and put your trust in what he did for you on the cross you will be saved, confess your a sinner in need of a saver believing in your heart and you will be saved.

[@SirenXGoddess1509]

This comment literally made me cry😭

[@ashnahkhalidkhan2244]

You're a saint and those kids are literally angels

[@artrianna]

oMG THANK YOU FOR BEING A NICE HUMAN TO US

[@Paul-tq3tn]

Avoidants think its all one way traffic. They want all the consideration for their position - and in return think YOU are mad. Ugh!

[@emit5586]

I'm avoidant, and my best friend is anxious. Weirdly, our friendship and different attachment styles has helped the two of us get closer to being secure. I know she needs signals of affection, so I go out of my way every now and then to do things that I normally wouldn't do in order to make sure she knows I care. Every time I do something like that it gets easier. And equally, she's grown to understand that time and space doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm overwhelmed and I need breathing room. It's a great case of opposites being good for one another, I think.

[@romijane]

I was like that too with my best friend, and we certainly helped each other and had a great balance. But then she got an anxious boyfriend and she didn't need the avoidant friend anymore. So now I'm not sure if we ever helped each other get closer to secure. That's my experience, so my advice would be to always listen to each other's needs and don't take your friendship for granted, or assume the other person will be able to understand you care if you don't spell it out.

[@Liaaa143]

It's the same with me and my best friend and like you two we have started to understand each other's differences and develop in our own way. I think it'll be good for both of us in the long run.

[@callmeenzy5715]

"You're hurt, not bad" absolutely broke me. Whenever ppl tell me im a good person i simply reply with " i guess " or " no im not " i guess it was my way of never admitting that im hurting and saying im just a bad person wasnt so painful to say out loud.

[@lewdycookie]

Fr. I absolutely believe I'm a bad person and I hurt others, but being seen as "good person" is like a distraction from everything and I'm more "accepted" that way.

[@blissmissive99]

I like to grab people with my unusually long arms through my red triangle cage

[@paolaochoa1853]

Omg I love you

[@chianemable]

😂😂😂😂

[@yogi30303]

That was hilarious 😂😂

[@samdal420]

Same U_U

[@payalmandal4836]

Hahahaha

[@imkabochan]

I've never related to a triangle so much in my life.

[@ella.q366]

😂

[@Lisa_Stacey]

Lol!! Same!!

[@deezbeanz9856]

I love the way you put it lmao

[@devkivadnagra4977]

Samee

[@andyc9902]

Me too lol

[@soumaya8385]

If people understood this, break ups will be past history . It is so important to learn about ourselves and our partners attachement style. I finally solved the mysteries and the questions I had in my mind for so long.

[@MechakittenX]

I'm avoidant until I'm secure. I've never been anxious and being with an anxious partner always causes me to RUN. They often overwhelm me before I feel comfortable enough to open up more. It's baby steps being vulnerable and intimate for me and the fact I *am* getting closer is often overlooked by an anxious type. It's kind of exhausting. I'm never ever gonna be in a rush to say "I love you" because I want to feel deeply that I mean it.

[@govarth3494]

Yeah..... and the statements like " you treat me like shit" when you have done absolutely nothing is really confusing and alarming.

[@cycla]

School of life: no one is evil, everyone is just hurt, lonely or weak, disguising a damaged childhood with anger

[@TeKeyaKrystal]

I see no lie

[@CLICKEROFTRUTH]

Dude, I’ve been trying to put this into words for fucking years. How the hell did I find the definitive answer in a youtube comment.

[@asmrtpop2676]

how one acts out their hurt can make them evil.

[@angelineameloot1331]

asmRTPOP yessssss

[@barnaclebailey]

Not sure about "no one" but yeah pretty much

[@knulligan]

“You’re hurt, not bad.” Made me absolutely bawl. Yes I am.

[@Paul-tq3tn]

I dont understand how if you can recognise that - you cant recognise when youre treating someone like shit AND THEN STOP DOIN THAT - Ugh!

[@user-eo9to7wd2t]

@@Paul-tq3tn It’s not that easy. You have no empathy

[@Paul-tq3tn]

@@user-eo9to7wd2t none at all. I've been on the receiving end and it fucked me up for well over 12 months. I got zero empathy either. So no. You're correct. I'm not empathetic to this. Just stop that shit. No excuse

[@user-eo9to7wd2t]

@@Paul-tq3tn We can’t just stop. It comes from years of childhood trauma. I am working on it, but I would never blame somebody for something that they can’t control. I never asked to be this way and I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. Avoidants want closeness too

[@Paul-tq3tn]

@@user-eo9to7wd2t well as long as you think it's ok to go ahead and make others unhappy with you're "stuff" that you just can't seem to fix.......then stay the hell away from people who are out there trying to find and establish loving healthy relationships. Fix yourself first. Otherwise you are simply causing innocent unsuspecting people misery. Just don't!!!!

[@nickmcnugget16]

I was definitely avoidant with an anxious partner, and I really hated myself for it. For some reason or another I was hesitant to be more affectionate unless asked to, and my ex got incredibly upset and insecure about that as a result. Didn't help that I only ever heard those requests when they were already mad at me, and that they felt like they shouldn't have even had to ask. It made me constantly second guess whether I was doing enough, and what I should even do about it if not. The anxiety of knowing I should be doing more to reassure them than I was, but not being able to just force myself to do it unless they asked was awful man.

[@VlogCreations]

Why did you put abc in a box, turn them around, then randomly change the order

[@chalronbjork4766]

Am I the only one who thinks that they changed B and C around when the reversed the 3 boxes?

[@laceyoleksuik5516]

They did

[@clementinecritique]

So did I.

[@shoulders-of-giants]

they did

[@Lol-sy9iz]

Right? Fucked with my head😂

[@SalemWitch888]

Yeah, like what the fuck

[@addisonthetiger6344]

i'm secure in friendships, but anxious/avoidant in romantic relationships.

[@BD638]

Addison the Tiger Me too😞😞 And it doesn’t even make sense, I’ve never been hurt in a romantic relationship but I have been heartbroken in friendships plenty of times.

[@sophiadavenport3959]

Same

[@davidmoore5004]

Same

[@BlaZay]

I'm actually avoidant in friendships, and anxious in relationships... Now that I think about it, that's quite weird.

[@brownie3580]

Then dont think of it as 2 separate entities

[@aperson9847]

I tested disorganized/fearful-avoidant and the results described me so perfectly. I'm afraid people won't care about me as much as I care about them, but I'm also afraid to show any of that so 95% of the time I just keep people at arm's length while hoping that someone will, I don't know, read my mind or something and realize how much I need them. The thing I don't understand is why I am this way. The test I took says that the vast majority of people with this attachment style develop it as a result of learning to fear their primary caregiver at a young age, but I grew up in a secure, loving home with parents and siblings who I have always had very good relationships with. There was some disconnect in feeling like they valued the things I was passionate about, but that hardly seems significant enough to mess me up like this. I'm thirty years old and this is becoming debilitating for me. The longer you've been isolated, the less you know how to form relationships, and the more isolated you become. It's the definition of a vicious cycle. I just wish I understood this better and had any idea how to overcome it.

[@beccalove8791]

I’ve had some therapy in the past and it really helps

[@TheLittleThingsAroundUs]

Seeing myself as the avoidant makes me think if I can really just put the past away; I can try to form a better future. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. I reflected on this video and realized how I messed up my relationship with someone who is an anxious type. I didn't understand her perspective so it went south. Hopefully now I can do better. I'm hurt, not a bad person.

[@caroline750]

imagine being able to just trust someone

[@LuluTheCorgi]

Right like, they are going to hurt me sooner or later why even bother lmao

[@BielLola]

It almost seems like a flaw, but that might just be my avoidant self talking.

[@payalmandal4836]

Wow. Can't imagine

[@dg5175]

It's not always about our own trust issues. Sometimes you've just experienced enough peoples lies and selfish needs to know better.

[@CoffeeQueen03]

No

[@FatimaHama]

Avoidant here . Expert in the art of crushing and one sided love and running away immediately when someone even thinks about loving or getting close to me

[@Alaa-zi4rt]

sorry for your hurt.

[@KhaelisRa88]

I'm sad yet glad that I'm not the only one.

[@lena007_]

Yeah same, it SUCKS😞

[@tryggviorskarpheinsson2829]

Ooof! I relate so much ❤

[@TheBeckinator2000]

I feel so called out right now. I wanna fix it.

[@silverco2560]

I act secure, but sometimes feel avoidant. However, I always choose to ignore my avoidant tendencies because I know they are destructive and irrational. So far, its been working for me. I’m in a healthy and loving relationship with someone I see as my soulmate. I wholeheartedly believe the knowledge of attachment styles has greatly helped us.

[@egg8953]

im an avoidant person and i believe its because im too afraid to be vulnerable since my parents always made me feel false trust in them and they always took advantage of my emotional vulnerability to me by gaslighting, manipulating and constant insults on my so i basically became emotionaley absent and now i really crave love by am really afraid of love and intimacy

[@outogetyougotyou5250]

A boiled egg can survive, even if the shell cracks.

[@n.6353]

I’m usually C (Avoidant) to most, but when I’ve really fallen for someone, I’m B (Anxious). Which makes sense, since they’re both ways of coping with anxiety - internalising it and externalising it.

[@sherly4959]

We are in the same boat.

[@EC-yw5hg]

Natalie D I don’t think that’s possible...you’re probably either primarily securely attached or anxiously attached but this is only triggered when you are in love.

[@patrick_oeng]

I feel attacked

[@PM-qr7sy]

Oh my god i hate being me

[@adityakulkarni7889]

It's true avoidants greatest fear is vulnerability. We try to suppress our emotions maybe due to our judgemental society.

[@kaytamurray]

This is hard for me: I’m okay with people relying on me but I hate relying on others.

[@betheprotag]

Avoidant. It has everything to do with keeping others out, or rather not giving them reason to believe you want them in.

[@feartheghus]

F13RY0N5L4UGHT or he doesn’t like the vulnerability and implied weakness or failure that comes with having to ask for help?

[@betheprotag]

Fearghus Keitz Your reasons still imply an avoidant disposition, but thanks?

[@drieshuybens4594]

Opposite for me, stresses me out

[@inhle1688]

Kayt Murray i’m lowkey the opposite I hate people relying on me cause i can’t take that responsibility

[@user-tb5pq9ml8m]

I was the avoidant with an anxious-type partner. She had panic attacks every time our dates were coming to an end, and even though I'd hold her and comfort her, I remember feeling so incredibly tense, frustrated, and annoyed. It got to the point where I had some sort of 'panic' attack during our date where just sensing the presence of her behind me, waiting both anxiously and patiently, made my blood boil. I remember vividly the purple flowers around our forest picnic. They were all I could stand to look at.

[@-whackd]

Both of you sound mentally ill

[@laurenbarnes1995]

I think one of the main things that we need to remember is the importance to HEAL through our attachment issues and not become complacent with the pain we carry. By healing, we come closer to wholeness and we can love others better and ourselves deeper. We will never be victorious if we settle in victimhood. This looks different for each person, and sometimes therapy and true vulnerability with how you truly feel is the only way to see the beginning to your end. This does not mean to stay in a relationship that is abusive or traumatic, especially if the two can not work as a team to and for each other.

[@ididagood4335]

Imagine being in a relationship (Edit: I don't have feelings btw so it’s basically impossible)

[@friedchicken1]

ahh, that was nice, ty

[@arshi9361]

Cant relate lmao . . . *Cries*

[@asvuksi42]

Nice thought 😌

[@jude7574]

and that's on avoidant type

[@tommyortega7796]

Imagine lmao . Lmao

[@jes_o0x]

which one are you? me: yes.

[@sitibear]

Clearly avoidant.

[@nutellafrogs4269]

Lol

[@elsandstorm8997]

100%

[@alexandrabosincianu7913]

That was funny :))

[@nauka7565]

Anxious gang!!

[@andrewblock5527]

i’m definitely an anxious and my girlfriend is 100% avoidant. we’ve had little to no intimacy in our year and a half of dating and i’ve definitely felt all those things the video said

[@flat6croc]

Most people don't fall entirely into one or other category, much will depend on the dynamic of a given relationship. Just by way of example, in my last two relationships I was very much anxious in one and then largely secure with a dash of avoidant in the other. I probably tend more towards anxious than avoidant. But I wasn't at all anxious in my most recent relationship. Some people fall into the extremes, for sure, and will display that attachment style almost regardless of the character of the relationship. But they are the exception. Most people are capable of being anxious, secure and avoidant in relationships, depending on the dynamic at play.

[@curious_gage]

That’s so true as well

[@iamLucid]

I find it crazy how this channel continues to make videos based on my current mood.

[@nallelyrangel1175]

iamLucid saaaame ! Awesome though

[@d.2542]

I swear... same thing is happening to me. I’ll have a fight with my boyfriend next thing i see a notification from this channel about how to argument with your SO

[@jem30six]

SoL is stalking you

[@atfvbngfdc]

@@nallelyrangel1175 K

[@westofthemoon]

That's because KZbin, which is owned by Google, suggests videos that are relevant to whatever you've typed on your phone or through social. That's how everything works nowadays, through targeted content and advertisement. Google hamburgers for the next few days and see how many videos on fast food you'll wind up having suggested to you. The internet isn't psychic, it's just a very good spy. 😉

[@chaser22081]

Be careful with the whole “they’re angry because they love you” thing...

[@man-in-a-car]

I know! I'm worried people will stay in abusive relationships because of this.

[@littlehuman7028]

@@marie-leegiroux7696 I think that one is toxic when they cannot see that what they are doing is wrong. For example, I know about a couple who had domestic abuse problems, amongst with some other things. The abuser didn't want to admit that it was wrong to physically and emotionally abuse his partner even when they went to couples counselling. I think that it's important to be honest. When you calm down, explain how you felt and why you reacted the way you did. Give them a chance to see how to reassure you

[@littlehuman7028]

@@marie-leegiroux7696 There is a difference between anger and abuse. I think that the very definition separates them in this manner: if you feel for whatever reason that you cannot simply walk away from the argument, it's abuse

[@man-in-a-car]

@@marie-leegiroux7696 It's absolutely amazing that you have the self-awareness that you do. I would still suggest you get counselling. As you said, it's a slippery slope. I would like to stress that one can be abusive even if they walk away. You can stop yourself mid-abusive episode. I would say one is toxic once you start hurting people with the same mistakes repeatedly. I'm so glad you want to be a better person. We should all think about how to improve ourselves. Good luck with getting help!

[@littlehuman7028]

@@marie-leegiroux7696 Best of luck!!! 💓

[@ArtemusBlue]

I definitely fall under the “secure” attachment style, because my family have always loved me unconditionally, and I have a healthy sense of self-esteem, so why would I worry about people turning on me for no reason? I love my friends and family freely, and I’m not afraid to make friends and be kind to people , but at the same time, I don’t let most people get too close, and I won’t bare my soul to anyone who I don’t trust completely, which is very few people 😂 I suspect years of being bullied as a child has caused this contraction, I love people and I don’t think most of them are bad, but some part of me is definitely still wary!

[@rustycagenrun1820]

I can recall when I was 16, being with someone who called herself feeling "cold" whenever I showed a lot of appreciation of them. I knew to some extent that she was bipolar feeling when given a lot of attention, but I never solved the core reason why we were so incompatible. She was a Avoidant and I was the Anxious. That relationship shaped how I perceived the newer relationships down the road. I realized that I became anxious about not giving too much affection, and it may have been the root cause of ruining what could have been greater relationships. Part of the reason I failed so much was because I took far too much blame for that one Avoidant relationship and chose the more cautious path in the future. I should have taken a step back and asked for an outside view on why I felt so bad. A friend could have more clearly described that it was not entirely my fault. Beware of those feelings folks. The signs of feeling unwanted and distant from your partner can have lasting effects if not diagnosed or fixed sooner.

[@zakillor4182]

"If people makes you sick, you have to cook them better" - Hannibal Lector

[@cherahsBroll]

😂😂😂

[@flipflop4004]

lmao

[@vinalkapoor7289]

He is my god now

[@aditidas1070]

More like Cannibal Lector.

[@uncrystallize3831]

P r e a c h

[@luciapodilla1943]

As an anxious type, let me say that dating other anxious types makes me feel secure. Periodically checking in at random to give reassurance gives a sense of security enough to confidently be able to go without speaking for a little while when one or the other becomes busy.

[@bituingmarikit]

Oh. I hope to find an anxious type then.

[@joeroberts2156]

Does the whole "we're/I'm not ready right now" thing relate to being an avoidant or is it just wisdom?

[@SI0AX]

@@joeroberts2156 I'm not an expert but I think in *may* be depending on the situation. If you were hurt before, you will be afraid to commit and always be using excuses and saying "I'm not ready". However you could also be unsure and want a bit more information before committing also due to past problems and pain. But it could also be wisdom in knowing that rushing things is a bad idea. I don't know... These are just what came to mind...

[@joeroberts2156]

@@SI0AX I think and hope it's the last one.

[@lovekaelen]

@@joeroberts2156 there's no right or wrong answer for that. sometimes, people can use it as an excuse in an avoidant situation- sometimes, however, it is just wisdom.

[@Nexus_KT]

It's comforting to know a term for it. I'm an anxious type. "You're hurt, not bad" that hit hard. But I needed to hear it.

[@adronius147]

Yep, definitely avoidant, 100%. Not just in terms of romantic relationships but any kind of relationship, and it makes me feel guilty when I realize so many of them are almost completely one sided from the other end. But it doesn't even necessarily come from a fear of intimacy (although fear is certainly involved when faced with the prospect of entering new relationships), it's just I'm fairly unemotional, not just on the surface but on the inside as well, and although I have no problems being sexually intimate, affection comes hard for me. I almost never feel comfortable being affectionate and have a tendency to keep everyone at arms' length if I feel they're getting too close. In fact it's almost purely instinctual; it's like a switch goes off in my mind, all of my goodwill instantly evaporates and I begin distancing myself automatically, like my brain goes into auto pilot, turning down advances (platonic or otherwise) without even thinking about it. It sounds like I must be hurt or damaged in some way, but to me, I think it's just a matter of personal space, physically and emotionally, though I wouldn't say it's exactly healthy either.

[@aemi_sa]

i know that situation, getting close to someone and just dropping them completely because of something that didnt fit. im quite grateful that its so easy.

[@nood1le]

Reason why I'm alone. Any relationship I try just ends up with me finishing it. Not verbally and right away but rather through small actions that eventually leads to the relationship drifting apart. I don't fear anything or have any insecurities. It's just that I'm not the best at connecting with people emotionally and don't feel comfortable in being affectionate. I've fallen in love before and pushed it away. Such an uncontrollable feeling that was dependent on another person. I didn't like that. It made me feel vulnerable. Paired with my difficulties of expression and affection and I'm left with an attempt of trying to dismiss love. I hold it in waiting for it to pass. However, love is a strong emotion and that's why I believe that by trying to get rid of it, I've done more harm to myself than just accepting.

[@orangebear001]

you might have to go out of your way to work on yourself from being unemotional because sexual intimacy will only get you but so far, if you truly want a relationship (not saying you do but if you want) therapy helps or becoming more emotionally aware as to why you do these types of things also definitely come from things that happened during childhood. I hope it goes well for you!

[@princessnisa4992]

“You are hurt, not bad” literally made me start crying hahaaahaha

[@VeganSemihCyprus33]

Would you cry to this short animation too? kzbin.info/www/bejne/e33NmIepbKd5eZY

[@paige2521]

I’m avoidant until someone really makes me feel something despite my efforts to avoid it, then I turn anxious while also contemplating if I should leave to avoid it instead

[@soberanisfam1323]

If you’re both, you’re doubly fvcked

[@mariafernandasalazar33]

@@soberanisfam1323 that's me. This is called disorganized type of attachement. You are anxious and avoidant at the same time

[@jack-mb4mw]

I am to... my gf is anxious and I love her but I don't know how to open up I want to work on the relationship but I don't know where to start..

[@lindsay5080]

@@jack-mb4mw I’d say you could start by telling her exactly this! Letting her know you DO want to open up could be helpful for her, and tho you may not know where to start, that’s something you two could work on together! :)

[@zrothesis]

ITS ME OH NOOOO

[@justanobserver8283]

I needed this. I'm the avoidant one married to an anxious one. It's so complicated. We do exactly what we shouldn't and expect the relationship to be healthy and functioning optimally. I want to learn and grow. Help my partner too.

[@lucypengelly4047]

the description of the anxious partner made me feel so understood. I thought I was the only person who felt this way.

[@theintrovertedowl]

I find it easy to be friendly to strangers that I know that I'll never see again, but kinda introverted with those that I always interact with.

[@sumsum002]

Sounds like fear of judgement possibly because you’re close to them

[@Krispykathy]

Possibly part of the labeling theory

[@yo-ml5fc]

exactly

[@uninspired_nickname4503]

i relate to this 100%

[@macydrew434]

oof, this is definitely me.

[@DJisAwesome]

Is there such a thing as a mix of anxious and avoidant?? I feel like I'm more of anxious but instead of being angry/aggressive about it, I tend to be quiet and wait for the other to notice that I require more intimacy than what we already have. Also, I've always considered myself a hopeless romantic in that I dream of that very happy, intimate and romantic relationship but I'm afraid that people will perceive me as needy and clingy so I just avoid closeness and openness to protect myself but at the same time have that nagging feeling of wanting to be really close with someone e. g. holding hands, cuddling etc... Edit (3 yrs later) since some people still interact with this and I never noticed it got this much likes and comments lol. I've definitely grown and realized some of my actions were born of my own insecurity and just the overall outlook I had when it comes to love/romantic relationships. I've since grown to be more secure in myself and realized how important communication is especially if done in the correct way. Cheers

[@ivetvito4128]

Omg I'm so glad I'm not the only one behaving like this

[@seren5397]

Didn't expect to feel so seen at 4 am

[@AA-wc3tw]

Anxious-avoidant IS an attachment style. It's mine. I took a quiz on Dr. Diane Poole Heller's website and it described me 100%.

[@jesshd27]

It’s called disorganized attachment style or fearful avoidant attachment style. Basically mixed of anxious and avoidant (which is me) 😂

[@cojuan7596]

Damn bro im like the exact same way

[@aniakai9859]

I always admire the illustrations in your videos; That a circle is given for secure attachment. A square for anxious attachment. And a triangle for avoidant attachment.

[@xyouthe]

im glad my adaptability and willingness to change naturally lead me through being the anxious partner, to being avoidant, and to now finally feeling secure. i hope everyone can feel secure in their relationships at some point

[@svoxo87]

After watching this and what I went through the past 6 months I'm definitely building myself into a secure attachment style . It really is self work and self awareness

[@svoxo87]

And I'm currently the anxious partner

[@nicholle82]

The square started out as option c, but then it was option b 😕

[@alexrips]

I noticed that too. Not sure how the animator missed that in editing.

[@moonbulschair1047]

Yep and it's confusing.

[@LisaNarozhnykh]

Someone already commented it somewhere in the answers and they said they had some issues during the productions. I was confused too but I guess it's too late now and I mean, you can still understand it it's just confusing at first lol

[@nicholle82]

It totally distracted me at first but yes the video is actually great so I got over it lol

[@catataf]

@Asia Wolfe no, if you check again, when the narrator first describes the 3 types, the triangle is the anxious one

[@pizzangels1]

Last time i gave reassurance they left me. Last time i was being secure i was told i was too clingy. Last time i kept my distance i was told i was unlovable. Were all a big ball of damaged

[@iithewaterhashira]

Damn

[@13thCabin]

Same

[@Kisaris]

Ok

[@candletabletop154]

same same :(

[@-youresogolden-7829]

I just had a déjà vu reading your comment

[@bluespectrum1348]

I'm avoidant myself, but tbh you just gotta become aware of the fact that you have avoidant / anxious tendencies, and start working on it. I'm dating an anxious type and we talked about it. When she becomes intense and I start feeling intimidated by it I just express my feelings to her. Taking things slowly is the key.

[@jezwc]

Reading these comments was both reassuring and terrifying. Relationships are so tough. We're all so complex. It must be amazing finding someone who you can relate to well and, insofar as attachment types are concerned, support each other and find middle ground. Do people discuss these attachment types in relationships honestly? I wonder if it's worth having the discussion with a girl I'm currently seeing

[@Sheryl4]

I've brought it up with my boyfriend and have found it helpful to have language to describe some of my behaviors that can seem confusing

[@kagitsune]

4:38 "When they attack you, see their longing for love". With the important caveat that such behavior can also emotional abuse. Be careful, don't let anyone gaslight you or belittle you.

[@ah5721]

Much agreed

[@MikeRe]

Anyone care to explain?

[@domvieyra]

@@MikeRe as a narcissist disguised as an anxious type, "I feel like your not doing enough because *blank*, you should be more attentive, more generous, etc."

[@thisisntallowed9560]

DOminic Vieyra What do you mean by that exactly?

[@Jammonstrald]

It's victim blaming and manipulative. A person with avoidant style attachment will have inherent doubts about their own perceptions of the world around them and have difficulty with feelings of self worth and the capacity for others to love them (most certainly because they have been abused or manipulated in the past). Emotionally toxic people (such as narcissists or other abusers) will either consciously or subconsciously detect that, and use those insecurities to guilt and/or coerce the avoidant into a stronger emotional attachment to the abuser, thus opening the door for the abuser to become the emotional focal point in the avoidant's life. The abuser gives the love and affection the avoidant so desperately wants yet feels is unattainable, but only on the abuser's terms, while telling the avoidant that being suspicious or cautious of those terms is "crazy" or "unreasonable". This creates a power dynamic for the abuser as the avoidant questions their own comfort and security, but does not want to lose the affection they feel they do not deserve.

[@-Anjel]

I'm avoidant. This was painful to watch. I never thought I might be hurting the people closest to me. And as a woman, the expectations people have of me in any relationship are something I've never been able to meet. I try, but only later do I realize that after a certain closeness I push everyone away. As soon as my friends start to know me better I start distancing myself, I've even done this to my siblings.

[@scheheherazadem.3802]

I'm the same way, your not alone. I was given false description of love as a child, afterwards I grew up genuinely scared of it. Even today the thought of intimacy or closeness with someone just doesn't sit well with me.

[@TeKeyaKrystal]

saaaaaame . 26 & working on it

[@annakarina353]

I feel the same way, sometimes I find it easier to talk and interact with strangers, but I am constantly afraid that I'll be disapointing if they get too close :/ but I'm trying to work on it, hope things get better for you too

[@asmrtpop2676]

Anjel - there’s nothing wrong with you. society should not have expectations on you simply for being a woman.

[@vivvy_0]

@Andrei Georgescu who are you to say that

[@beep-beep]

I used to have an Anxious Attachment style, and because of my anxiousness my partner left me for someone else. She never accepted my love and humiliated me in hundreds of ways. Now I’m Avoidant. Over the past year I’ve had many people interested in me, but can’t bring myself to trust that I won’t just be hurt and waste my time again. I think people can likely shift from style to style based on experience

[@stewie50001]

Just wanted to throw out that this applies to friendships too, very much so. I'm an anxious, and for the better part of two years it felt like I had a true best friend in an avoidant, until everything came down in one conversation, where I left confused, depressed, scared even. We didn't talk for a few weeks, even though I had tried reaching out, and now that we have, I've been given an ultimatum of adapting to a new normal for our friendship, or walking away if I "was honest with myself and thought it'd only work if it way the way it was before." They thought I was too close, and when they left, I felt like I had nothing. They continued on, having fun without me, and I festered on my own. I don't really know what I'm talking about when it comes to stuff like this, but I guess my point is, if this is a struggle for anyone else, you truly are not alone.

[@gabrielacampolina3696]

I can easily be the secure type, but having relationships with avoidant people make me feel more and more anxious. I just want to open up and feel secure, and I want them to feel secure too.

[@thediabolicalempath7246]

But the insecure person has to work on being secure.

[@chinsuu]

Same, I think I have worked on myself enough to be secure. But then I'm in a relationship with a avoidant and the anxiety all come flooding back.

[@GeorgeWinston]

This

[@colinogorman8279]

That could happen to most people

[@nickyfrenchdoc]

Oh my god... marry me I can so relate to this

[@WriterusAeternus]

I am both B and C depending on who I am with. Sometimes I’m the “cold” one and other times I become the needy one.

[@Sar_bear77]

Saaaame

[@ZebraDog7]

Me!

[@Magnificent86]

Definitely me!

[@tango31313]

True that

[@OmarHawari]

This mix is called fearful avoidant

[@oliviastevenson7358]

I literally feel like both, anxious and avoidant. I always hated that about myself, hated that I couldn’t just be secure or be comfortable with intimacy or be comfortable with saying my wants and needs without being angry. It makes me cry to know that my past and trauma has made me this way towards relationships because it wasn’t even my fault and somehow I have to fix it myself and look within myself and go to therapy just so I can hopefully be secure attached.

[@StrudleMaster]

This video is perfect for me and my SO. Genuinely perfect for us. After watching it gave a deeper understanding on what I can work on and how I can better cope with not just myself but her as well. I'm avoidant as hell and hearing this helped realize I'm not unconsciously being an asshole like I thought. Thank you.

[@sampeetXD]

It’s so good to hear a real relationship. It’s so hard for me in this dating pool

[@Kovukingsrod]

I’m a mix of B and C - I sometimes really do want to be close to someone, but I think that I’ll just embarrass myself if I show that I appreciate them being close, and that they don’t actually like me and will be weirded out, so I try not to show it. I also have issues with trusting that people’s intentions are good when they are close to me and I think they want to be so that they can use me. Basically, people being too close also freaks me out. 😅

[@ZANTLOZ]

I think the video has a mistake. The first time they introduce the figures the triangle is B and the square is C. But after that they get mixes up. The suare is B and the triangle is C

[@SC-rt7bq]

It doesn’t sound like a mix, though. That’s the definition of the avoidant type. They want to be close, but they’re scared. Anxious type gets close, but shuts down easily when doesn’t get reciprocated

[@connorsyrewicz5453]

I love the school of life but the video is technically wrong. Option C is called, in attachment theory is usually called “ambivalent” attachment, not anxious attachment. Ambivalent attachment is a style of over-attachment, but it’s also characterized by anger and/or helplessness toward the object of attachment which can create periods of avoidance. I imagine that you feel like a mix of B and C because you are actually ambivalently attached. In other words, you are a classic C. Edit: to be clear, you definitely don’t sound avoidantly attached. Avoidant attachment is characterized more by perceived indifference toward their object of attachment. I’ve met a lot of ambivalently attached people who think they are avoidantly attached because closeness is so painful for them. That pain, however, is a result of the ambivalence. Avoidantly attached people don’t feel much pain or much joy regarding their attachments. To change their attachment style, they need to open up to greater levels of emotional investment in their partners. Ambivalently attached people have way too much of an emotional investment in their partners, which creates fear, anger, insecurity, and perceived helplessness. Edit 2: it’s also worth noting that one’s attachment style is determined by the relationship one had with their primary caregiver. If you want to better understand your own attachment style, one should look back to their parental relationships. Were your parents emotionally distant? Did they rarely communicate emotions and, when they did, were their statements short and terse? Then you might have an avoidant attachment style. Were they overly emotional and overly attached to you? Often overwhelmed by their emotions? Then you might have an ambivalent attachment style. Were they chaotic in their behavior toward you? Did their emotions and behavior seem to swing wildly? Then you might have what’s called a disorganized attachment style. Were they responsive to your needs and did they seem in command of their own emotions? That is, did they express their emotions freely in a way that signaled that they were not overwhelmed by them? Then you might have a secure attachment style.

[@Me-vn3gz]

I’m pleasantly surprised that you’re here

[@rockymegaman8496]

@@SC-rt7bq your definition for the anxious type is so spot on. I understood what the video was saying, parts just kinda came across wrong.

[@Killatunga]

Who ever thought triangles and squares could be so adorable?

[@moom81]

this video is too cute ツ

[@tbbbtoolsbooksbladebones556]

Who ever thought that triangles and squares could be interchanged?

[@pigeon1923]

What about circles?

[@isaiahthompson8268]

Triangle x Square

[@IllDawgable]

*Bruh*

[@dm_grant]

This is by the far the best, simple to understand video I've seen on this subject on KZbin, ever.

[@ScottFentonfullbe6]

This is a great point/question to be asking from this video. While I respect the creator of this series very much, and appreciate all of the hard work he has put in and the help he has provided to many, the reality of there being 60% of people out there who are "secure" in their attachments and only %40 who are insecure, is just plain wrong (consider the divorce rate, and then add-in all of those miserable, unhappy marriages, for example). My experience is that in the same way there is no one who is completely psychologically/emotionally/spiritually healthy, there is no one who is completely secure. Be mindful of "the halo effect" in surveys, which is when people answer in the way in which they'd like to be perceived (I do wish the speaker had addressed this). My guess is that people who are really very secure in all their relationships are exceedingly rare, and if they do exist, they have done a LOT of work. Think of attachment style as some sort of three-pointed spectrum. And, we may move around on the spectrum depending on our situations, although, we tend to stay within a certain ballpark until something significant in our lives creates a shift towards greater or lesser security.

[@beans9479]

I'm both B and C. I take long to completely trust someone because I feel like others don't find me interesting enough to want to get to know me that well, but at the same time I get really clingy once I trust someone.

[@alexrips]

Look up anxious-avoidant attachment style

[@reisatsuki5891]

Same

[@AWildFoxAppears]

#MeToo

[@JT-xh1ih]

Fuck, that describes me exactly

[@yifatcarmi3380]

That's anxious

[@Zorbak962]

"You are not demented or needy to want more, but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need may be aggravating things hugely." Damn. I was ready to roll my eyes at this video, but it really hit home.

[@jessie-ht7bc]

"you are hurt, not bad." That one stung. I know this speaks mainly about romantic endeavors but this comes back a lot in my platonic relationships as well. With people like my siblings and friends for example. I am the friend that sometimes "disappears" on people, but I am not bad, I just can't help it.

[@safianayeem3005]

Absolutely loved this video. Also realised that I went from having a secure attachment style to having an avoidant attachment style😬

[@timekeeperboi]

This Video urked me. Not that the information was bad, but because, the RED triangle was Option B, and then in the next portion after establishing what the colors and shapes were, You changed the RED triangle to option C. I didn't like that. Made me feel like you weren't even sure about what you guys were trying to explain.

[@linsuben]

Exactly! I was beginning to think no one else noticed.

[@anothersoulintheuniverse]

That bothered me also!!

[@MsGraciousTruth]

I thought it was just me who noticed that. I was actúally using the shapes to track myself n not the letters. Smh

[@rockstardiaries]

ok same here but let's test something... is everyone who got really bothered by that an avoidant type? lmao

[@Laurax523]

Yes, thank you! That was confusing.

[@akill1782]

I’m an avoidant type and we’re often villainized as if we aren’t people as well. I often see people online say that the best thing that our anxious partners can do is leave us. But the fact of the matter is that all damaged people need/deserve an extra amount of love and patience as opposed to ‘secure’ lovers. In my experience, it’s hurt me more than anything to hear from my anxious lover (who I love more than anyone in this world) that the love I give her just isn’t enough for her. That she sometimes questions whether I love her at all. But things have gotten better over time (although they are far from perfect) and I have a lot of hope for the future.

[@rantsofazombie]

I’m glad you are doing okay. Hope you guys are still going strong. As an anxious type myself, I can safely say I have never wanted to give up on an avoidant lover. I have felt the need to shower them with so much love and attention that they eventually feel at ease and open up. However, I will admit that I have been exhausted. I have grown so tired that it has felt like I’m forcing a bond? It would be so much help if my avoidant partner would just let me know that they get hurt when I say they don’t love me enough (meaning the same way I love them) and if they would just sit down with me and let me know what they’re thinking and feeling no matter how messed up it may seem. I’m all for confrontations and gradually opening up even if it leads to some hurt and arguments- I believe it’s all worth it in the long run. I guess what I’m trying to say is, communication, no matter how little is always going to help a relationship.:)

[@StationWagonGenocide]

I'm very avoidant myself and I will have to disagree. There are very few people (if any) capable of providing the amount of love you're describing in a healthy way who isn't a parent. It's more beneficial to learn to have compassion for ourselves and fundamentally understand how much we're worth, then provide ourselves with the love (and/or understanding) we didn't/don't receive before moving on to a relationship. If this is difficult to a degree that makes it seem nearly impossible, consider the external factors - it's tremendously hard to grow when we have to put up with abusers (unfortunately many young people are trapped with their abusive families due to the shitty economy here in the States). Of course this is all just my take, but it's what I see over and over. People seek out too much love, they find it, then end up in a toxic relationship where one or both parties is scared to leave. Now there's always the chance that what you're referring to is post-abuse and post-desperation and you're managing all that baggage in a way that allows for growth. In that instance, while love can help, I still don't think having an "extra amount" will help. Our best friend in this world is independence to a scary degree. (Or maybe that's my paranoia talking, lol.) I'm taking the route of isolation until I'm healed knowing full well that no part of life is guaranteed, and frankly I would only want the same for anyone who is capable. I'm not happy, nor am I content, but the life of delusion, high expectations, disappointment, self sabotage, and betrayal is one I am more than grateful to be leaving behind. No one can provide love in my life in any quantity, but thankfully I've got the internet where I can learn about why that is.

[@ZK57]

Ok... it has already pass 4 month so how is going on your relationship with her/him?

[@MV-ir3ov]

I know that you need it and that you deserve it, i'm just not sure if i'm gonna be able to keep giving it to them

[@neclitorismagnum]

It would probably be better go get the love you need from a secure person who isn't constantly hurt. And this kind of relationship really mostly hurts for someone who is anxious (for both parties, really). It's probably a win-win to stop trying to bend each other.

[@rc7179]

The importance of attachment to a child should be taught to every new parent, I think there would be a lot more mentally and emotionally healthy adults in the world!

[@thelapiz2984]

What I’ve noticed from my previous (and first serious) relationship was that in the start (and I believe that was mainly present because of our past traumas), I was the more avoidant person, while she was the anxious one, when we went deeper into the relationship though, and felt understood and cared for (began loving ourselves more) i believe we both were the secure type to each other (with a bit of anxiousness and avoiding of course, but nothing major), but then after distancing because of some of our differences and the ways our lives were going, I started pulling and chasing her more (anxious behaviour) while she began being avoidant. Seeing us changed so much and drifted so apart while losing the feeling of being understood was what inevitably broke us. So my question is, is my theory correct, that an attachment style could change due to the place where you are in a relationship? If so, is working towards the secure style the ultimate goal?

[@curious_gage]

Totally possible given enough time and yes both being secure is obviously the ideal situation. But a pair of anxious people would love the same things from each other. same when both are avoidant. They are comfortable but there is less incentive to strive for security in themselves.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Yes it happens. People can trigger old unhealthy attachments and relations we had as children.

[@SteelHorse-gh5cd]

Yes, secure no avoidance by either of us - how about we just treat each other with love and respect and enjoy each other.

[@usernotfound413]

the way Avoidant calmed and soothes Anxious’ head is what I’m trying to be on

[@smaina1499]

Saaaame😪

[@abhiramirajeevan978]

:)

[@Hyphessobrycon]

If only it worked the other way around too 🥺

[@adityakulkarni7889]

Needy people are a headache. No matter how much you reassure them they are always unsatisfied.

[@anniemz6887]

The best thing about "school of life" videos is the comment section , you actually learn much more from other people's experiences and how they deal with the same shit as you do rather than only watching a video that leaves you with a lot of questions about self and not many answers.

[@ZephyrinSkies]

Ikr? It's rare for such a civil and empathetic comments section on KZbin that has a good mix of people who are more mature

[@giovanicamara869]

Totally agree! I’m actually going to counseling for this now. I’m an anxious lover, so the square code pendant type. But the psychological term is called “codependent.” If you’re the other. It’s called “counter dependent”

[@Sweatyspaaghetti]

We all in the same boat 🐢

[@junbh2]

It depends on the video. A few of them have had some really angry comments e.g. one with some really angry men who blamed all women for not dating them.

[@MissCalpurnia]

I am a secure type, I’ve been in a relationship with someone anxious and I really just can’t deal with it. I used to be anxious type, but then I realized that being alone with myself is glorious. Learn to love yourself until you’re secure; then look for a relationship.

[@NameUnimportant]

This is possibly the most helpful video I’ve ever watched. I’m definitely the anxious attached type. Too bad the love of my life (who is an avoidant attached type just walked away from me). Could’ve saved the entire relationship.

[@snowwhite9481]

Did anyone get an ad about attachment style before this 😂

[@Ambear_]

Yes🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

[@nauka7565]

Same,

[@apostoliagkolfinopoulou3776]

Yes thank you!

[@skrttskrtt8355]

"you wanna know what the biggest secret to a relationship is" *Skips

[@finthehuman3649]

Omg yes

[@SpadesHeart]

WELL GEE, THANKS FOR THIS AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED *cries like the triangle I am*

[@mathewlawrence1306]

AH SHIT HERE COMES THE FEEL TRAIN

[@maria-mu3oy]

same thing here *cries in anxious*

[@zazaziah]

It's ok I cried too. I'm avoidant 😭

[@rlfhartmann4067]

Same, I am anxious and my ex was avoidant :(

[@nicoleesr15]

Same..

[@peagames2002]

I have been avoidant in terms of love. It's usually problem when I've consumed too much alcohol. I break down and go melancholic. I've tried my absolute to not drink alcohol over moderation, since I want make things work with my partner. I've attempted to learn to solve crises with communication, and attempt to do it as calmly and friendly. I only hope I can overcome my avoidant attachement and find happiness.

[@alejandraquintana692]

So much is making sense right now about previous relationships. I remember feeling so secure in one relationship, going through such hard times when I missed that person, and being back to happiness when I got to see them again. That ended due to issues. Then I got into an disorganized attachment with an avoidant and it felt like hell. That one makes a lot of sense because it’s still pretty fresh in my mind, I ended up becoming anxious and did end up blowing up tbh because it just felt like they gave nothing ever. And now I am in a relationship still under avoidant attachment but the good thing is that I see it because my boyfriend is like a mix between avoidant and secure. He’s such a good man. I’ve just been struggling with the avoidant because I don’t feel good with the physical stuff. Is this the same with like PDA and all?

[@User-to7nb]

My attachment style is running away before I get attached

[@mistym0rning]

Dawn -- that's avoidant, then.

[@rosamorante1962]

“You are hurt, not bad” Okay well now I’m crying tf

[@Deeplycloseted435]

“You’re hurt, not bad”. Such a simple sentence cuts so deep.

[@oliviannie9705]

I found this video right after a fight with my boyfriend where he was being anxious and aggressive and I was being extra avoidant. Thanks, came just at the right time Ps - youtube, stop eavesdropping

[@captainredbeard261]

1:28 Thank you for keeping your boxes correctly oriented in space during that transition.

[@bjellida3976]

Ikr

[@marius4iasi]

yet, they changed what option C is. at first is the blue square, and after the transition they changed it do the red triangle. That really bothers me for some reason.

[@theschooloflifetv]

Hello, we had a small production issue with that unfortunately. Hopefully you still enjoy the film and thank you for watching.

[@AMan-xy3lx]

Thought it was me...haha!

[@marius4iasi]

The School of Life Of course i enjoyed it. Thanks!

[@Arniqua]

The mixture of the avoidant plus the anxious one is the most Lethal combo. Your mind becomes a whirlwind of random feelings and you get lost in that wilderness but since you feel at a depth you know if you fall, you fall hard. That's the Fearful type. It's really scary sometimes..

[@lesbolord8290]

Yeah I wanna hear more about being both. Because I am.

[@user-zz1dw3bt7d]

This comment made me choke up never thought id find compassion in a youtube comment section

[@blessing291]

this hit hard and loud 😂 indeed!

[@dg5175]

That be me *sigh* 😟

[@cherahsBroll]

Yes . . . that was me. And, when I finally fell for someone I fell hard. He was purely avoidant, which was hell for me. Nonetheless, he awakened the desire to heal from my childhood damage. Now, I am secure in my relationships. To say becoming secure was damn hard, is an understatement.

[@Idi-linda]

I’m definitely Avoidant , the way this channel breaks it down with cartoons and examples are my favorite . Let me rewind this video

[@mikaylacantart]

I had never heard of the attachment types until I watched this vid and realised that I am entirely the avoidant type. I'm not one for romance but I can completely see this in all of my friendships, especially with my best friend. I don't feel particularly inclined to see them or talk to them a lot and I can tell that it hurts them, but I just can't stop those emotions. I honestly have been putting a lot of space between the two of us cause I think it's unfair that they have to deal with me when I can tell they need someone who is more secure. Its sad because I've been close friends with them for the past 6 years but I've gotten to the point where I don't think I would even care if they left, cause I know they would benefit from leaving the friendship. I also find most people draining, like, if I were to ever pursue a relationship I would have no idea how to cope if they were secure or anxious, cause I've had friends like that and I've always felt the need to end the friendships because I just can't handle their needs. I know that I am the main issue in all of these situations, but I just don't know what to do :/

[@Mendoxs_]

hard same. It's like "yay! friends :D" but also "ugh.. friends :/" it's the worst. Wish you luck with this whole healing thing though! I'm sure we'll figure it out someday soon enough :)

[@aiiiia9971]

Felt that. Particularly with certain people I can't handle the idea of being desperately needed by anyone. Or feeling stress because I don't want to call them, but knowing they want to be called, or that they are gonna blow up at me later or cry because they think something is wrong with me or them or our friendship. It can be tiring and sometimes I just hide. But with certain people, I feel much more secure, because I know they will respect my boundaries and not freak out, and are there when I am ready. And then I will, ironically, feel much more comfortable contacting those people often, because I don't feel trapped.

[@brendonurieonice5303]

4:38 “When they attack you, see their longing for love.” This line really got to me, because it’s hard to express and show how much you love them without scaring off the other, or coming across as creepy. It scares me, because it feels like i have so much love to give but they might not want it.

[@bUrRiEdaLiVe6]

Same here. I feel like things that I say that I consider caring for the other (like "please, don't text and drive") are taken as an attack rather than evidence that I care for their well-being. I was also the overly romantic person who shows off love with little and big details and ended up convincing myself that it was annoying and scary, so I restrain myself so people don't leave me because of my constant affection

[@teashe]

Same

[@andrealester1126]

Fuck them not your problem they’re lames

[@mindsstalker]

I don't want it

[@lilDeniseWright]

Yes. That's EXACTLY how it feels😣

[@x000s2]

This stuff should be in the standard curriculum at school!

[@mirandachen8189]

Definitely. I’m in high school right now and I don’t know anyone who would consider themselves “secure” because developing a secure attachment style is not something that’s taught at all :(

[@servantjen]

HAHA exactly! This is what I'm thinking. Why are the stuffs like this not taught in school.

[@victoriaartiaga7333]

in the health classes for sure

[@dhedarkhcustard]

The sad reality with school is that they only teach you what you need to be put to work for our economy. I'm grateful videos like this exist so we can make the effort and learn it ourselves.

[@PrintScreen.]

a teenager wouldn't care about this

[@fartcriminals9623]

I think I’m an anxious type. Falling too hard and too fast is just what I do and the whole time I’m thinking they absolutely hate me but keep me around for some other reason than actually enjoying my presence.

[@livedeliciously]

"Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want. Think back to how in your past, closeness would've been frightening because people let you down, and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself. You are hurt, not bad. Remind yourself that the present is different from the past, and that you are ruining the present by bringing to it fear laden dynamics that don't actually belong there." Wrote this down, so that I might keep reading it and somehow heal from it.