My Channel was a Bit Ableist When I Started

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Internalized ableism is a mostly invisible thing that we deal with every day, and even my channel was a bit ableist when I started it, but is that really how we should live our lives? Let's talk about that, especially now during Mental Health Awareness Month.
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[@At0micAllison]

It has really been front-of-mind lately, that ADHD symptoms are only recognized if they are an inconvenience to others, but nobody seems to pay attention to the fact that it inconveniences ME first and foremost, and in MANY more ways than what might be observed from an external point of view.

[@kathyhalters4288]

Im thinking about asking for a diagnosis (at 30 years old) and this comment is the reason im going for one, thnx. My partner is like: but you function, what can you ga in with a diagnosis? And tbf i don't know if im gaining anything, but it cant hurt to know and have some help, right...?

[@youtubecommentator6023]

My spouse reacted in a similar way, especially because he spent time with people who had autism, ADHD, etc. I had to try to explain to him how it can be different for everyone and different for women too (he had only be around males with these diagnosis'). Now that I have a diagnosis we are trying to learn together what it means for me and for him. But it's been very helpful to finally just know what is going on with me and finally have a name for it. Plus you can talk with a doctor if you feel you need to try meds. I'd recommend looking into getting a diagnosis.

[@Robzylla]

@@kathyhalters4288 Go for it, I got mine at 35.

[@isabelledrolet4297]

@@kathyhalters4288 Go for it. It didn't change my day to day struggles, but I forgive myself a little more easily when something goes awry because of my ADHD. Diagnosed at 40... For every 10 blames/talk to/disappointed look received by others I was giving myself about 1000. The ratio is still not perfect, but is a heck of a lot better.

[@TheHopperUK]

I mean for one thing, ADHD is very responsive to medication, so a diagnosis can literally change your life.

[@amandadyba2668]

I saw a meme once on Instagram that I think perfectly captures what having ADHD is like: Having ADHD is like someone handing you a video game that's set to Hard mode, but they keep telling you it's on Easy.

[@guybrush1701]

I'm a gamer and I have lots of struggles. I have ADHD and anxiety and depression and I'm 99% sure I'm autistic but I'm not diagnosed (after having 2 autistic kids, I know the signs, lol), and this is so well put. Thank you for sharing.

[@lbatemon1158]

@@guybrush1701 I'm on the autism spectrum and just recently went to get my official diagnosis and was surprised to be told I'm also ADHD. Since a lot of my autistic traits fight against my ADHD traits, I've had to really work hard at loving myself. And like KC Davis said in an interview not too long ago, "I shouldn't have had to work so hard to not hate myself." Good luck to you. I know how frustrating it can be. I'm lucky I married into a very neurodivergent family, but I carry with me a lot of the hatred I got from my neurotypical family upbringing. And now I wonder how different the world will be for my 2 kiddos, who are also neurodivergent.

[@Sucellusification]

Well, I'll git gud then

[@Jaysch]

Dude I needed to hear that.

[@Jaysch]

@@Sucellusification Nice!

[@tonijames6666]

"its also not my responsibility to completely erase any trace of me having ADHD for the convenience of others". it feels like ADHD symptoms are pinned on us "not caring" or a being a "bad person" because people don't understand that our brains work differently. this video was really validating. I am constantly hiding my ADHD for the sake of others to the point where I would just rather not try to be social.

[@nate2838]

I love animals. You're good to them, they're good to you.

[@brittneyjones9196]

I feel the same way it's really hard because everyone has so many friends and they know how to talk to each other but whenever I try to talk everything comes out sarcastically or like I can't say the right thing I always say the wrong thing it's been really hard to keep organized and cleaning that everyone says I'm using my ADHD as an excuse

[@zephyr4254]

@@brittneyjones9196 oh my god this, especially with my mom for me. I want to express to her why i'm struggling to meet expectations, why I'm frustrated, and its always responded to with annoyance because I'm "defining myself by my ADHD" or "using it as an excuse." I love my mom so much but oh my god I want to throttle her sometimes

[@thesupergreenjudy]

I am sitting on the fence with this - it's easy to succumb to this "that's just the way I am" mindset. And yes, we are the way we are and we need to be compassionate with ourselves and people in the ADHD community. But it's important to keep the balance right. If we have a mindset that tells us we can't do this or that then we'll be stuck. Most "successful" (whatever that means to you) people with ADHD are successful because they worked on overcoming some blockers - they weren't just naturally that way. Are you always late? There are strategies that can help people with ADHD overcome this to some extent. I think what we should at least expect from ourselves is try and find a way to make it somewhat work - even if it's not perfect. That's not ableist in my book. Of course, someone without ADHD can't understand what it is like to live with it. But I'd rather have someone tell me you can do this than someone who sees me as a victim of my own circumstances and reinforces the idea that ADHD people just can't do certain things. I find it much better when they acknowledge it but find a solution WITH me to make it work. I am very open with my manager and he usually asks me "What do you need so we can make this work" - Because the truth is, even though some things are harder for us, they are not impossible. Unlike someone who is paralysed from the neck down - they really can't do anything. But we are not paralysed, we have the luxury to be able to find workarounds (admittedly it can take some time to figure out what works for you and I appreciate it if people give me that time). But communication is important at both ends. Edit: I should say that I gave up on trying with things that are really not that important in the long run. Eg I never iron my clothes, I just buy things that don't crinkle. I don't always wear make-up. I don't always hoover my whole house before people come around. That frees me up to work on things that enable me to have better relationships with people. I am being viewed as a laid back person by others because I don't have everything perfect and quite frankly, nobody cares - It's usually me who set those high standards in the first place because that's the picture you see in the media. This way I can focus on just being 5 minutes late rather than 30 minutes.

[@80HDDrummer]

I feel this on a different level

[@BadLuckFPV]

"It's not my responsibility to erase any trace of my ADHD for the convenience of others. I do have ADHD and I'm allowed to" I went back and listened to this like 5 times.

[@chrissiew3]

Here here 💖me too

[@use.Name-]

Yes

[@FirstLast-lm8tf]

And they have no responsibility to like you or spend time with you.

[@BadLuckFPV]

@@FirstLast-lm8tf yes. That is the lived and relived truth of ADHDers, and the basis for the life experience that necessitates this quote.....

[@faeryangelharvey9720]

@@BadLuckFPV they could also very possibly be an ADHD sufferer in denial due to lack of education. I personally found your comment noteworthy enough to press like and reply, I very rarely bother just because I don’t.

[@masonmartin2657]

Bc of criticism from NT people I feel most of us w ADHD/other neurodivergencies definitely have internalized ableism, it’s just another part of learning more how to understand yourself rather than trying to “do everything right”

[@HowtoADHD]

Exactly!

[@carolinegrace3963]

I found out I have Adhd a few months ago, and I thought it was really cool that now I know why I'm struggling, so I told everyone. I also asked them to do things like lower the volume and such, and I don't internalize my struggles as much as I used to. But people are making me feel terrible for having these struggles, rather than for the things I do that are caused by them, because I explained how they affect each other so clearly. I honestly love having adhd but I feel like the world hates me for it.

[@andrewgross144]

@@carolinegrace3963 I think that a lot of that is done unintentionally. People are not trying to be rude or mean, but it happens anyway. It like the saying, "The nail sticking out is the one that gets pounded in." Unintentional pain to others for the community's sake. That's why it's so important to have a group that gets it, and hopefully others will in time.

[@KjllShot]

@@HowtoADHD well done, really enjoyed this episode, I'm 31 and only just really found out i have adhd about a year ago, really really enjoy your videos, and a big Gday mate from straya! 💛

[@rev.rachel]

I still maintain a significant amount of the disability associated with neurodivergence comes from an ableist world that expects us to conform. Of course stuff doesn’t work right. It’s like trying to cook spaghetti with a sewing machine.

[@SpleenMerchant]

"I'll get to do the fun things when I'm not me anymore." That broke me. This feeling is so lonely. Thank you for giving me a way to explain it.

[@autumn5852]

same 😢 but I’m glad we’ve finally realised it

[@certifiedcomorbidity2587]

This resonates me with so much.

[@thecodingarchitect]

Hug coming your way (it broke me 2 BTW)

[@TrappedinSLC]

That’s how my brain keeps trying to work.

[@dannyg1392]

ugh. This is my life right now. It's taking everything I have just to get through college with ADHD and I don't have enough time to socialize or date. I am really wondering if it is worth it. I think I might rather just take a low paying adhd-friendly job where I can work with my hands.

[@impyre2513]

It never even occurred to me to imagine an environment or situation where I didn't have to try and adapt so that others didn't judge or look down on me.

[@raquelpk2]

Your comment made me cry ….. i hate my adhd . I imagine that environment and it’s overwhelming like the thought of it , it’s too much . Where can I begin to describe everything would change ! From the moment I even begin to walk into that environment , to the moment I’m inside. I could go on and on . That’s why it became overwhelming .

[@dearmysoul6706]

They act rude even if they did not know, just when they deal with the symptoms..

[@NormaAlvarezZazueta]

My personal thing is to be somewhere in the middle but only because I would rather take care of myself than someone else do it for me. That said even with that, nobody should judge another person for the path they take.

[@HiddenExp]

That hits hard

[@Catastropheshe]

👁️👄👁️ that is very sad ☹️😶

[@GonzPaoli]

"To build a world that accounts for neurodiversity. Because _that's a lot easier than asking people not to be neurodiverse."_ SO well put, Jess!

[@BrianHaney-rr8rm]

Neuro typical brains are self dependent. Neuro diverse brains depend on someone else to survive. Do you mean we need to teach the Neurotypical brains to take care of us? I am struggling with this one. It is difficult for me to understand

[@k80_]

@@BrianHaney-rr8rm she means that, rather than expecting disabled people to work harder to assimilate to a world that is hostile to us, we should create a world that is not hostile to human diversity. On many intersecting levels, but in terms of adhd it’s like “hey, can we maybe reorganize our culture to make it so I don’t have to take amphetamines in order to keep up with it?”

[@BrianHaney-rr8rm]

Please correct me if I’m wrong I don’t mean to be rude. Probably just don’t understand. I wouldn’t ask someone to lower their standards. @@k80_

[@daviddempsey8721]

This is what Universal Design is about. “Disability” is a social construct. Deaf people experience minimal disability if everyone else signs. Creating a world (or making my corner of it) that is perfect for me would mean that I’m not constantly feeling a failure.

[@CloudslnMyCoffee]

This is why life feels like the grown-up version of having to miss recess because we didn't finish our work.

[@Mama-wx4ts]

🤯🤯🤯👌🏾

[@recovered4life]

🤯 o m g you just hit it exactly on the head....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭

[@vc_collective]

yes, yes, weekends and vacations are for catching up not for enjoyment. work through lunch, oh boy.

[@elanorglf]

Yep. 💯

[@wayland7150]

I missed every one for my first two years at school. I never did the work even when the teacher tried to force me. My level of stubbornness could not be broken.

[@kathieb2354]

"ADHD is not a moral failing". That really hits. I've felt so much like I was a "bad person" for struggling with everyday tasks such as being on time and not forgetting important things, it's really brought me down a LOT.

[@covaloves]

Same! I'm so grateful for Jessica and this channel. I've been fighting depression over my perceived inadequacies for a year now, and its videos like these that help me remember that I'm not a failure, I'm just different and that's okay ♡

[@kathieb2354]

@@covaloves i feel you, hope you get better soon 💙

[@covaloves]

@@kathieb2354 Thanks! I hope so, too. Here's to accepting ourselves for who we are, and not stressing so much about who we're not

[@kathieb2354]

@@covaloves That's the spirit!! 🤗

[@kimmendiola1490]

I get so tired of reading that people who are late are disrespectful of someone's time. Not true! The person I am meeting, the job I am rushing to, they have no idea how hard it can be to get out the door and remember everything to get there.

[@lindymoore]

I quit my ADHD group therapy. The group seemed very much more ableist than actually helping me. I did three or four out of eight sessions. We had rules like "You cannot be late" and "If you don't do your homework you are not motivated" And it was more a "how to cheat in the skills you miss" rather than "how to adapt your place to suit your needs." Living in a neurotypical world rather than dealing with it as a non-neurotypical person. Jessica, your video helped me to word the issue I had with my class and I am grateful for that. Your channel has been a better psycho-education than the classes given by actual therapists. I'm happy that your channel will accommodate more of the "How to shameessly navigate a neurotypical world" because that is exactly what I need.

[@ClearBlueSky1]

So so agree with this , I tried telling my therapist that I feel like I have adhd and want to get the test done and she just listened to what I had to tell her ... And said no.. like flat out it doesn't really sound like you have it , etc etc . However she was more than happy to help me with "strategies" to do every single thing I wasn't able to PLUS she was enabling my perfectionism which is imo trying to be the best neurotypical person possible among other neurotrypicals.... It took me a long time to unentangled myself from that entire mess and get to the point where I resonate with Jessica's video !

[@RR-dh4jh]

As I was reading your message I felt bad and relieved and warned because I was going to get into an ADHD group too awhile back and with my ADHD or ADD inattentive type I forgot about even joining and also felt like I would still be judged so thanks for giving me the green light not to 😅

[@NormaAlvarezZazueta]

Ok saying one can't be late to the group is ableist. Even though I learned to be on time (I arrive way to early but I'll sit and play video games in the car from my phone), I understand the struggles and in my personal life in social time I still arrive late due to time blindness (social media lol). That said, when they sounded ableist did they explain why or were they judgmental in a pat themselves on the back with how much better they did. That I hate and is not the way to encourage people. Some ADHDers get caught up with negative energy being the way to learn. I just got on people's cases for doing that to me in an ADHD group and I called them on their BS and told them not to respond. I was having task switching problems and want work to temporarily suspend a function of my job so I can get meds adjusted. The self righteousness was brutal. Anyway, I like it when people make it positive and fun to learn or encourage. You can explain natural consequences to people without sounding self righteous or pointing fingers. We have motivational issues and I told people in the group to let others who know how to talk to me to do the advice or instructing. Anyway... I like this channel cause I never will grow up even at 53. Lol

[@NormaAlvarezZazueta]

ADHD isn't just hyperactivity. If I could slap your therapist I would.

[@aebg4069]

@@ClearBlueSky1 u should try getting a new psychologist or a psychiatrist

[@sub4ru87]

"Other people are allowed to put down their work and go have dinner, and it feels like I don't get to because I got distracted and so I need to sit and be at my desk" this resonates so much with me. So much so that I'm still here at my computer working at almost 1am because this afternoon I could barely bring myself to do any work, so now I need to stay here until I finish at least a few more things.

[@Laecy]

One of my biggest challenges was letting go of my faith in “epiphany therapy” where understanding the problem automatically fixes the problem. Even the best movies and stories use this, even if there’s a token montage of “getting better”. As difficult as it was to realize that’s bullcrap when I have an inside perspective, it’s almost impossible to convince neurotypical people that knowing I’m ADHD and Autistic shouldn’t magically enable me to act like I’m not.

[@runningmama4793]

Haha! Never heard that term before and I love it! I've lived my whole life with faith in "epiphany therapy." What!? That doesn't work!?!? Haha, kidding, but deep down I think I still believe (or want to).

[@elizabethbennet4791]

OOOOH WOW "epiphany therapy"- Im *using* that!!!!!

[@Sissalu]

This, and believing in "epiphany events": That somehow if I understand enough, my world will suddenly click and I'll instantly have full executive function and be able to be a normal person.

[@reagancondry116]

I always say I’m waiting for my “getting better” montage

[@p_serdiuk]

It works for some issues but not ADHD. In the case of ADHD it's not understanding that fixes problems, it's learning how to compensate for them. People can go off the meds semi-permanently even though ADHD has biological causes.

[@KingOfJokers013]

“I was born into the world this way: I’m allowed to be here.” That has got to be the most powerful sentence I’ve heard in a long time. I swear I at least tear up in a lot of your videos but that had me almost on the floor with how hard it resonated. Thank you Jess, everyone who works on this channel, and the dope community.

[@Moraenil]

I've spent my life feeling like I'm not allowed to be here because of my failings, added with the fact that those failings brought out comments from my parents like "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" when they were really frustrated with me. I was so often tempted to tell them to just do it, but afraid of the possibility that they would.

[@bluedaisies709]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. As if being neurodivergent wasn't struggle enough, a lot of us have to fight with our parents about being ok the way we are. But your story hurts my heart, I couldn't imagine what hearing that from your own parents must do to a person struggling already. I hope you are in a better place now, mentally as well as physically. I really hope you are able to heal from your parents' injustice towards you, and not let their sentiments become your own. Like she said in the video, you were born into this world the way you are, and you have the right to be here. As long as we are good people, we have the right to an accepting place in this world, and in this society. And we need to get rid of this toxic mindset instilled into us when we are just kids, that we are worth less because we can't function the way society and capitalism wants us to. Because we are worth as much as everybody else. And without people like us, we as the human race wouldn't have accomplished as much as we did today, a lot of great minds were adhd minds, or had asd. Even though we are strangers, i want you to know you are worth your place on this earth, just as you are, unconditionally. You didn't choose to be born, you didn't choose to be born with a different brain, and you deserve to be here, no matter what you can or can't do. You are enough. Never let anyone, or yourself concince you otherwise! Sending hugs

[@faeryangelharvey9720]

@@Moraenil Very sad to hear your life was threatened by the very people who are meant to protect you. It’s so great that you’ve been able to share that here with those of us who care.

[@variyasalo2581]

Recently I had someone say to me "Well we are all a little bit ADHD". I was caught off guard and I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to alienate my friend but I just couldn't agree with her like she expected to say. I just walked away. I fight all the time against accepting my neurotypical failures. But it's harder when your disability is just not accepted as real.

[@ps.2]

...And I can't imagine what people with OCD must feel like. There's an awful lot of trivialization of OCD in popular conversations.

[@amyshaw444]

Gosh I totally hate it when people say that crap...I know they mean well but still

[@lanzelet7386]

I have family who does this. They deal with ADHD *symptoms* because of clinical depression & anxiety. They, intentionally or not, invalidate my experiences every time I bring it up. I'm going to pursue a formal diagnosis in the new year so I can shove it in their faces when they try to convince me I just need antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication.

[@zephyr4254]

@@lanzelet7386 omg yes, my dad recently did this to me. It's weird that people look only at the symptoms and not the cause, like- I'm anxious and depressed BECAUSE my ADHD makes it hard for me to live up to neurotypical standards!!!

[@oeffleur5840]

@@ps.2 Try having both! 😩

[@apostateturtle1960]

This hit hard. I don't have ADHD, but I have C-PTSD and it mimics the symptoms of ADHD in that my executive skills are impaired. I have had so many people, including therapists (let's be real, ESPECIALLY therapists!) tell me that I'm absolutely not okay or valid as a human until I overcome this, that it feels morally wrong to just accept myself. I always feel like maybe if I hadn't had a "mental illness," my parents and brother could have loved me. To say that I'm okay as is, would be to no longer be able to justify my family's behavior. It's easier to believe that I'm defective than it is to believe that my family was unkind to me and should have been able to love me despite my C-PTSD.

[@KxNOxUTA]

Very correct and the exact structures that are a survival mechanism in children (and obviously also adults). If we are the "problem" then we are also "the answer". If others are the cause of issues and the answers are within their power (may it be ppl, nature or on sytemic dynamic levels) then we can do rather little to resolve the issues from our side. And it's crushing to embrace that reality. If there's dependent structures (e.g. financial etc.) then it's outright dangerous to embrace that reality. Our brains do not do these thing for fun!! These are very valid protective mechanisms. Some need revision when they stay behind and lost their function. BUT we know that touching trauma while not safe can absolutely have negative impacts!!! If you are still in touch with your family, then expecting yourself to let go of what protects you is dangerous! If you are completely out of that situation and truly in a safe and accepting place now, then working your way through the trauma is AN OPTION! But noone but you can actually evaluate if the effort of going through that would actually lead to enough benefits. Or if living as you are can actually turn out as the more "efficient" choice. It's OK to not have answers. It's enough to embrace yourself today and know, that you may very well be the same or different tomorrow. What does it matter? You'll again be embracing the self that you are in each moment. With or without change. Wish you the best.

[@Heckyeahellothere]

Dang, I am sorry you are going through that. I also do have ADHD and PTSD, and I suspect I have C-PTSD as well. It is difficult to understand that other people's actions are not your fault. Also difficult is realizing that your family of origin should have treated you better and that their problems had everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. I hope that one day you are able to internalize those things! Also, I totally agree about the therapist thing. It took me a while (I had three therapists before this one) but I love my therapist. She is so full of grace and has a great understanding of childhood trauma and ADHD.

[@tylerloconte8974]

This channel is loudly about our journeys as people's with ADHD, but quietly about yours and I know you hear it a lot in the comments, I see it every time, but thank you, and good luck on your journey, Jess! I'm glad you're moving forward, you deserve it just as much as any of us.

[@HowtoADHD]

😭❤

[@videocliplover]

She truly does

[@marcelbpunkt]

We should hand in a petition to make the heartsob and other h2adhd discord emojis a platfirm-independent standard ;)

[@throughcolouredglasses9300]

That is phrased beautifully, I love the words you picked.

[@tylerloconte8974]

@@throughcolouredglasses9300 thank you

[@UrbaneOracle]

I'm in that "fit in or get fired" camp right now. Even the most inclusive employers can struggle with understanding why I'm late because I forgot my badge again. Thank you for sharing these tough, real facts ADHD brains face.

[@maybeitsneato]

I really relate to this. It hurts when things like that happen because I work so hard to seem dependable.

[@zadekeys2194]

Put your badge on your house / car keys. Simple systems like that have really helped me.

[@UrbaneOracle]

@@zadekeys2194 I've left my keys, too. Locked myself out of my apartment and car twice in the past 8 months. I keep everything in two trays on my piano by my front door [and now have a backup set of keys hiding outside]. The systems help but are not 100% failproof. Just part of the life.

[@MissMeggypoo]

My employer is very focused on racial and gender equality, but they’ve very much ignored people with disabilities, both employees and their public. I work for local government. They were sued for citywide ADA violations, and now they’re on the hook to create equity for people with disabilities to the tune of millions of dollars. Yet, my request for reasonable accommodations has been canned. Time for a lawyer!

[@maybeitsneato]

@@UrbaneOracle I used to keep my badge in my wallet. Then I forgot my wallet one day. Now I've gotten really good at sticking it in the storage compartment of my car. It's hard to go to work and forget to take my car. Our little systems can work really well 360 days a year, but there's always those bad days.

[@RyanM.-se8tu]

One of the worst things I was told post-ADHD diagnosis is that people "typically get over it" as adults. Still struggling with the internalized ableism that brought on 20 years later. I'm very thankful to have access to better resources now because that's a painful way to live.

[@gailgasper7579]

So tired of constantly apologizing for who I actually am. I am messy. I am always late. I see things differently. I am easily frustrated. I have a short attention span. I am also kind, understanding, have a great sense of humor. Why do I always feel less than when I am just me? Why do I feel judged because I'm not "normal"? Who decides what is normal & that I am not? Why do I feel not enough just as I am? What if I don't want to be normal? I am always apologizing for not being able to make a living like everyone else does, because I can't get to a job on time & I can't stand being bored; for having trouble with timetables & planning; for finding it hard to get or stay motivated -- should I go on? You just struck a chord, and I'm tired of feeling like I have to be fixed or I'm somehow deficient. Yes, I use lots of coping strategies; sometimes they work. But no one should feel like they have to change who they are to be acceptable.

[@NormaAlvarezZazueta]

I've done short videos from time to time. I just did one where I showed how my clean laundry is in separate hampers from the dirty ones. Also some half folded laundry is in the second one. Other is showing a key tracker to prevent lost keys. I did also show two large piles of papers. Only at work am I organized with paper piles (money is a great motivator lol).

[@NormaAlvarezZazueta]

BTW this is a non public personal page. I'm not brave to show videos to anybody else besides friends and family.

[@captainm7722]

"It's okay to have a disability, only as long as you're trying to overcome it; that's the message I'm trying to get away from. You are enough, as-is." Jessica saying the quiet part out loud for all of us. You are a hero and a paragon to us all, Jessica. Thank you so much for everything you do.

[@sarahnelson8836]

Excellent use of the word paragon

[@vocalsunleashed]

I so agree with you

[@andreus719]

When my therapist asked me what the most true thing I felt about myself was all I could come up with was that I am not acceptable at a base level. I've been sitting with that for a few weeks now.

[@sirknitsalot9504]

I echo your sentiment and have had recent convos with my therapist about this exact thing. It made me sad to admit this was how I felt, and I didn’t think anyone else (in the entire world) felt the same thing.

[@MissMeggypoo]

I can relate to that.

[@frankt.8561]

"Moral obligation to realize your full potential", yes, that resonates with me. All my life I've been feeling I wasn't nearly realizing my potential. And regardless of ADHD people are told they have to realize their potential, which usually means, work and advance your career. That's a pretty sad life goal if you ask me. And it gets worse if you define your "full potential" as "the person you could be if you didn't have ADHD". That person doesn't even exist because you wouldn't be you. So yay for being okay the way we are. It's not about just letting ourselves go completely and making no effort whatsoever to meet other people half way, of course anyone should be doing that. But wouldn't it be great if someone met *us* half way for a change? Making the world more accepting of neurodiversity though... I don't think that's easy at all. In fact as with every type of -ism, I believe the easier thing is to take the path of least resistance even if you know it's not right. Fighting for what's right is much harder. My advice would be to choose your battles wisely. All the best to you Jessica, you are the voice of our tribe and a great inspiration!

[@lunar686]

...”meet us half way”....I don’t know why, but what you said really got me thinking, I wonder if any research has actually been done in the opposite direction? Like I know there are heaps of tips, strategies, tools, resources etc to assist people with ADHD meet others halfway, But tbh, I don’t think I’ve ever come across any tips, strategies, tools or resources that assist those with neurotypical functioning. It may be that just because their challenges are more common, it doesn’t mean that they’re better understood? And I guess I don’t want to just inflict the ‘they should be able to, because they should just know how to’ burden on an even larger group of people.

[@caitlinmoore8740]

I agree with this to a certain extent, but for me achieving my "full potential" would consist of being able to complete the things I WANT to do (not feel I have to do because of societal expectation) but have great difficulty doing because of my ADHD. For example I want to start my own business but keep getting bogged down in the boring paperwork things required to actually get started. Being diagnosed with ADHD was liberating for me as before the diagnosis, I did feel like a failure when I wasn't able to do the things "neurotypicals" could do with ease. But now I know I have ADHD for certain, I know my brain just works in a different way. I don't feel ashamed anymore. But I would still like to be able to get stuff done 🤪

[@ldm290b8]

Sometimes I feel incredibly bitter when others "get away with" things I've been criticized so harshly in my life. Being on time is the biggest one, but hardly the only one. Because sooo often I've been criticized for failing this, seeing others not getting ripped to shreds like me makes me angry, even though I know that I don't really want anyone to be punished like I was because logically I know that the severity of that reaction was not appropriate, but emotionally it feels unfair. Yay internalized issues 😅

[@HowtoADHD]

Thank you so much for all the comments and the insights

[@HibiscusHigh]

🙌 🙌 🙌

[@yoursoulempower]

YESS with you on this! 🦋🦋 what we have been given at birth is our superpower.

[@petrograd4068]

This is a really good and uplifting video. I think the message you bring out here can resonate in anyone with a disability or diversity, I certainly feel the same from my Autism perspective.

[@rhiannonthrasher7747]

You're lucky to finally be at the place where you can accept who you are, regardless of what nerotypicals think about us... I'm in my early 20s, and still stuck at the point where I'm still blaming and shaming myself for not being what everyone else wants: to be a "normal, productive member of society", Thank my parents for that helpful mindset, whom I still have to live with. (Can't live on my own yet, thanks to the economy...)

[@DragonUAV]

I’ve been here since the start, being so inspired and recognised my your Ted Talk, the tools, the honesty. Now what a pleasure to be here as you grow, and bring even greater understanding to us, for our own benefit and peace. This is such a needed point and issue to raise, we are indeed worthy, and sometimes we need to get off our own backs for the sake of others. I would add that part of this, imho is that we ‘offset’ our ADHD to ourselves and sometimes others with a mindset of “yes, it affects me in negative ways, but it balances out because I’m good at A or B..”. Needing to use the positives as a counterweight to the negatives rather than simply accepting ourselves as a package deal, rather than learning to not place our attributes on either side of a scale to run with a “well at least I’m an empath/quick thinker/wordy” reasoning. As you so,rightly point out, we need as a community to promote the truth, we are enough, we don’t have to change unless we want to.

[@KCallia]

Falling in a deep depression, the internal ableism is loud. Thinking of how _"I used to be able to this and that"_ despite the fact that I was miserable and barely functioning for the sake of appearances. Even now, learning to accept my limits and capabilities, I find myself saying: _"I should be able to do this and that."_ I see the difference between how my ND & NT friend talk to me when I vent my stuggles. Guess which one is saying: "Just do the thing."

[@alexandrawinsor881]

you don't have any ableism. It is impossible. You do not have a disability. Sincerely, someone with adhd and autism (an actual disability).

[@bibliosmiia]

the NT friend:/

[@kelli74]

When the space around you isn’t necessarily opened up by others I truly hope you find resources and stamina, sufficient to open it up for yourself. Be-well please, and try not to shrink. You are worth every molecule of the space and energy available to thrive xx. I’m glad you’re here, thanks for sharing.

[@tiredatm3009]

My ex had ADHD and my current bf is NT. The difference is crazy. As much as I love being with my current boyfriend, and the advantages it brings, it gets annoying sometimes having to explain my ADHD constantly. My ex immediately understood, and we didn’t mind much when one of us was late, or had troubles with schoolwork, or getting out of bed etc. Although I feel motivated being around my boyfriend, the ‘just do the thing’ comment makes me so… angry? upset? It makes me feel as if I’m being called lazy or dumb, because OF COURSE I’ve tried just doing the thing!

[@KCallia]

@@kelli74 Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. ❤‍🩹

[@MyFrikkinOpinion]

The things I’ve had to “earn”… I have spent my life so scared of not finishing things that I will wait until it is done before I can eat, use the washroom… address basic needs. But sometimes things take 8 hours or more. Thank you for putting these things into perspective and into words. I’m woven with ableism . There is so much to unravel here. 😔

[@jonathandoda8762]

I've never seen this channel before, but I'm glad I clicked. It seems that you're realizing the same things I've been realizing over this past year. "What happens if I just get to be the shape of me?" Honest answer? For most people with ADHD: social ostracization, homelessness, living with parents. Lot's of fun stuff. Society has been built around neurotypical people. So if we don't try to adapt, we enjoy the side-effects of not adapting. I like that you also get into the guilt we feel as a result of internalized ableism. We constantly tell ourselves that we'd finally be a good person if we could just get over this one thing. But at 29, I realized something. I've been telling myself that same thing since I was a child. I've gotten over TONS of those "one thing's", but for sooome strange reason/s, none of them really did the trick.

[@Stephanie-id7vr]

I relate to this! Wow you worded this so well. Thank you ❤️

[@KevinCrouch0]

"I'll get to do the fun things WHEN X" I'm running into this over and over. But it never feels like you REACH where you want.... But then you "CHEAT" and play a game or something to chill and now you feel even worse and farther behind

[@mireille4787]

So relatable!

[@fatimaa1548]

Yes this!!

[@manicnovae]

I unliked this comment so I could like it twice.

[@MorganBondelid]

@10:30 *“it’s not my responsibility to completely erase any trace of me having ADHD for the convenience of others”* 💯🌟💯

[@MorganBondelid]

my life has felt … smoother? since I was able to adopt this central assumption: “everyone is doing the best they can with the resources available to them” It was hard, because that is _not_ our cultural assumption; but it is True. And it infuses my interactions with more grace and compassion.

[@MistyMoorsHomestead]

yes! I felt that!

[@Pensnmusic]

-me dropping my ring for the zillionth time because I have to fiddle with it while talking to people- "oops, sorry"

[@manicnovae]

@@MorganBondelid This is an elegant, succinct and beautiful reminder for a person to carry with them. Thank you. I used to believe this. I want to believe this again, both about myself and about others.

[@wayland7150]

Yeah but it is your responsibility when your mental problems make you abusive and terrifying to your partner even if you suspect they goaded you into it to make a point. It's your responsibility not to have your buttons pushed.

[@JasonSmith-pg6ny]

This made me analyze my story and realize how much energy I burned on being "normal". Took the step of getting an official diagnosis and start meds as soon as pharmacy fills them. Thank you for being out there speaking your experience.

[@twiddlemethumbs]

I’ve never related to a video more in my life. It’s so comforting that to see someone articulate what I’ve felt my entire life. I was diagnosed with ADHD-C a couple months ago as a college junior, and I mourn for my 15 year-old self who didn’t know what was “wrong” with her and thought she was a horrible person. I still struggle with it, but knowing I have ADHD is such a relief. I have so much internalized-ableism to overcome. I have a sister with a genetic disorder who’s mentally around 8 years old, and I’ve never judged her for anything out of her control. Why don’t I give myself the same kind of grace when I unmask? Doesn’t help when my family act like my stimulant medication suddenly makes my ADHD go away or gives me a neuro-typical brain. I wish it did. I’m the biggest people pleaser I know, and I barely even have an identity of my own because my mask is just a jumble of every “normal” friend I’ve ever had. I can’t even tell a friend or family member what I want to eat for dinner without going into an overthinking spiral, wondering if they really want to know what I want or if they wouldn’t like my choice too. I just want to be happy and unashamed of talking fast and rambling about random things and making the worst puns and making everything a heat into a game of song association. I’m trying to teach myself not to care about what other people think anymore-because I don’t actually know what other people think anyway, I just overthink it so much that I convince myself I do know. TLDR: I don’t judge others, so why do I judge myself? I just wanna be happy too. Before anyone comments on “oh, you’re ADHD, why’d you write such a long comment?” It’s because I’m a writing nerd, and I have hyper fixed on this channel for the past hour.💀

[@lumpyunicorn72]

I love making worst puns ever too, they make me so happy 💕

[@nikolet2154]

This video hits. I was diagnosed with ADHD 4 years ago, at 20 years old, and found your channel shortly after. It’s helped me tremendously. But especially with feeling late to the party by not being diagnosed until adulthood, I THREW myself into the idea of “Okay, I know what’s wrong with me now…so I can work at fixing it!!” And oh boy, that has been less than a good time. Even when I found some tools & strategies that “worked” for me, I didn’t always use them, because it felt EXHAUSTING to do all the time. I never would have admitted to that to anyone though 😬 Like, “you know what can work but didn’t do it? Sounds like it’s just a you problem then.” I felt quite a bit of shame over that. This new point of view is so refreshing. I love this community sm. Thank you for this

[@hawklegs6940]

Dude, I'm in the same boat! I've found like, just having a stopwatch running in front of me so I can SEE how much time it's taking me to do something makes me work better. But most days, I can't bring myself to turn the timer on. It became a like "You COULD be overcoming your ADHD, but you're choosing not to." and it's been feeling pretty awful.

[@Pensnmusic]

@@hawklegs6940 That's not what's happening. The idea that things are simple binary choices is so wrong it hurts. I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way. We're driven by our subconscious and our emotions, everyone is, but neurotypical people are far less subject to the subconscious pushes that we have to deal with. You're not "choosing" to not implement a strategy you're fighting a metaphorical hurricane pushing against each new strategy that you want to implement. Everything feels hard because our brains don't work like theirs do and it's ableism that they expect us to fight this hard to meet *their* standards. Why can't we get involved and come up with whole new structures that work for us and get the same job done? That little voice that tells you that you're choosing not to implement solutions is the voice of a society that hasn't and won't accept us for who we are. Put that voice to rest, see it for what it is, it's ableism manifest don't have to listen to it anymore. (...and if the voice is loud and you can't get it to go away, it might indicate some larger issue that it's okay to seek help for. It could be a lot of things, but trauma comes to mind)

[@TR-ju5re]

@@hawklegs6940 Honestly, I do this exact thing. My ADHD diagnosis was a follow up after being diagnosed with anxiety and getting medication and therapy for my anxiety has helped quite a bit but I'm still early in the process.

[@Jax-zo8dl]

I feel the same, just after I got my diagnosis, it suddenly felt like, since I now know what's stopping me from doing things, I should be able to do them now, and I don't want to put it on my adhd because it feels like I'm just blaming my adhd on everything.

[@earthgrazer5511]

It works for a little while until I realized this is too exhausting to maintain. Then it feels like a prison of forced choice because if I don't keep at it then things are going to fall apart again, but it's really extremely exhausting.

[@dbg7777]

9:50 so relatable>> “it feels like other people are allowed to put down work and go have dinner and I don’t get to because I got distracted” …this is akin to punishing ourselves for having ADHD but we can turn the tide by being gentler with ourselves

[@EliannaEldari24]

I've literally done this so many times

[@devikajadhav9830]

Ditto. Literally everyday especially after I reached a managerial level after much struggles in my career

[@Reliken]

This and also weekends and also vacations

[@Lamapanty]

Work in progress, to be more gentle on myself. And heck, I got to admit it's hard work too

[@doctornefarious6271]

Thank you for having the courage to admit your ableism, when you've recognised it. That is something that takes a lot of introspection, reflection, & strength of character to admit. Thank you. So many people would not have taken the time to make an entire video to apologise & explain how you recognise your own previous ableism, & how you plan to do better in the future. 💖

[@SafeHavenCollective]

To be perfectly honest I am torn with how to respond to this video. As someone who is Autistic and is in a relationship with ADHD person, we both have been long supporters of this channel and it has helped in many ways for both of us as we learned about our own Neurodivergencies and how to navigate the world easier with them and for that we are both very grateful for this channel. What I am struggling with is trying to balance giving my ADHD partner the much needed validation of "you are fine just as you are, even with your ADHD" but also not feeling like the bad guy for getting frustrated when their ADHD traits/symptoms cause issues in their personal or our collective life. We understand that as ND people our brains are wired differently and we have to give ourselves the grace to live our life in a way that works for us, but we also know that there are sometimes in life when, whether it is fair or not, we have to do things we don't want to do, we have to meet certain expectations and it can be frustrating to see people suddenly expect that everyone be okay when those things don't happen. We absolutely agree that the world needs to realize that different people have different brains and those brains need certain tools and strategies to navigate the world and do the things we want and need to do, we need to send the message that a person's worth is NOT defined by what they are able to get done at the end of the day, that they have worth and meaning just because they were born. What we don't need is the message that we are somehow bad people for expecting ourselves or the people around us to do what they can (with whatever tools they can find) to get the things that need to be done taken care of. We don't need the message of suddenly it is a bad thing to expect a person to be on time (because jobs and appointments require that), have a clean house (because it's important for health and safety reasons), follow through on tasks (because things need to get done). It's not about trying to "erase any trace of ADHD", it's about expecting everyone to be accountable for their actions and choices. We don't have a choice on being born ND, but we do have a choice on how we allow those symptoms and traits affect our life. As an Autistic who deals with a host of chronic issues I know what a struggle it can be to get the things needed to have a safe, healthy and happy life done. I know what it is like to have days where I have been unable to take care of those things unless I have certain tools and tricks in place, because my brain doesn't work like "most" (aka NT) people. I know what it is like to have days where even with those tools I still can't "do the thing" and I am not in any way,shape or form dismissing anyone who is going through any of that. It feels like in the quest to make sure our ND voices are being heard and that our ND experiences are being understood we are also acting as if we can suddenly stop the world from working the way it does and expecting non ND people to do a complete 180 of their way of thinking, which isn't any more fair to them then the expectations they put on us. Both sides need to find a balance, i don't know what that balance is supposed to look like but that is what is needed if any of us are going to have the life we want and deserve to have. *apologies for the length of this response and if any of this comes out wrong, I 100% support what this channel does and the message it provides for people, none of this is directed at Jess or the channel, it is more of a general experience in the ND/NT discussions I've seen over many platforms.

[@tamicoil7069]

Yes! I feel the same way. There are things we have to do and we can't use our disabilities as an excuse. I'm physically disabled and qorked for 30 years. I was expected to show up on time and get a certain amount of work done. I think I am also ADD, but haven't been diagnosed. I use alarms on my phone and phone calendar to keep me on track. Otherwise, I would never be on time or get work done. You do have to learn skills to deal with things you struggle with. That isn't ableism.

[@JDub-TV]

"I think the world needs to start making a little space for us" A simple but powerful statement, and I'm here for it.

[@sahanadoravari]

Yes! Ask and you shall receive, right?

[@BusinessWolf1]

You do realise, that instead of doing your best to move up in the world, you are expecting the world to change to accomodate you, right? That's some baaaaad planning right there.

[@jordasaur8]

@@BusinessWolf1 “Why are you gay when most people are straight? You should change yourself to move up in the world.” That’s what you sound like.

[@kealisimons8558]

I fully agree with that sentiment. I also know there is a measure of privilege wrapped up in that affirming message. An inordinate number of people are stuck, especially in the USA, without healthcare to manage neurodivergence or navigating a broken healthcare system like it is a full time job. Meanwhile they are working job(s) with no accommodations because they simply don't have access to better opportunities.

[@kvernon1]

Sorry, but the world is so in need of improvement in so many ways, and being more accommodating to people struggling with ADHD is not at the top of the list. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment if we fall into this mindset. It's a shame, but we can't have this expectation.

[@marinb.1273]

I try and view my ADHD the same why I view my left handedness. There is nothing wrong with being left handed, but the world is not made for them. Most things are made for right handed people. Most of time those things can still be used by left handed person, but it's harder or feels awkward or THEY need to adjust how they use it or rework it in a way that can be used for a left handed person. Replace left handed with ADHD and right handed with neurotypical and the message is the same. ADHD people can still do everything a neurotypical person can, it just might be harder or need reworking because the world isn't set up for the way their brain works.

[@noneofurbusiness5223]

. . .or take longer. Ex: I am good @ organizing, but it takes me 3x longer than neurotypical person.

[@hozza9901]

i wish i had the natural hyperfocus like some people with adhd. i have the super procastination side where i do things so late that i accept the failure before i start.

[@tinkeramma]

My favorite person with an existing ADHD diagnosis is also a lefties. My favorite person who may have ADHD is my teenage daughter who is not. She's one of the brightest loves of my life and I'm here to learn to help her.

[@owlblocksdavid4955]

While I think this is generally a good way of thinking, it should be noted that there's not really anything inherently superior to right handedness in natural circumstances. There are inherent superiorities to not have ADHD in many circumstances (although there are also superiorities to having it in others).

[@janegriggles4049]

I am left handed and nearsighted and have often used either of those as examples to people who think that ADHD meds are “bad”. I just say “Do you want to take away my glasses?” 🙄😂

[@pollygiblin8311]

I'm a professional organizer and I discovered your channel when I was preparing a presentation. I don't have ADHD but I do have a chronic illness and so much of what you're talking about in this video really hit home for me in regards to that illness. Thanks for your transparency and this new perspective.

[@eggplantphysicist7983]

Hi! Do you help organizing also clients that are neurodiverse?

[@faeryangelharvey9720]

Wondering what propelled you to become a professional organiser. Are you sure you don’t have a disorder that may have caused you to focus on organising that could’ve lead you to become a very successful teacher of it. Funnily enough, many people become that which they required most in their childhood. Btw I also have a chronic disease so feeling for you! Thanks for your interesting non judgemental take on this.

[@zacharykershaw6539]

its Great to see someone without adhd involved ...Ive never know an advocate of adhd that didnt also have it so right on

[@zacharykershaw6539]

I have used disorganization as a coping mechanism and a system to not have to deal with people places or things since I was a little kid. that coupled with complex mind and as a recovered horder...Organization would save my dang life for real

[@InAWorldOfBlaine]

I'm 27, I got diagnosed on Monday and THIS was such a rewarding and valuable video to see so early on into my acceptance journey. Thank you Jessica!

[@tiptapkey]

One of the most difficult things about ADHD for me is that the strategies that help require good mental health. I think when struggling with depression or anxiety, which are so commonly coupled with ADHD, it's even more difficult for us because we have that extra layer there holding us back from keeping it all together.

[@loganc6501]

But really tho🤦

[@froggychairs]

This!!! Even starting to learn about strategies that work takes so much energy, I just physically can not do that while also struggling to get out of bed and go to get groceries.

[@briannaberlin6851]

Idk about you but along with mental health stuff comes physical stuff too. Before my mental health was well managed, I had really bad stomach issues and couldn't eat certain foods. My doctor couldn't find anything wrong and told me it was functional. Now that I'm working on being better mentally, I can eat everything again. My stomach pain has almost totally gone away too!

[@maureenb2002]

And physical health. I’ve been struggling with fatigue of some kind on and off for a year and a half now and not only is it hard to keep up with physical tasks my ADHD gets much worse if I can’t do Ann the daily tasks that tell my brain it’s time to switch gears from one thing to another.

[@chubbyfacejohn]

And some of those strategies won't work because they are designed for neurotypicals. Which is hard to explain. NTs can end up feeling you don't want to try hard enough, really frustrating...

[@stephanieschroeder9622]

I didn't realize there was a word for those negative, internalized beliefs. I'm 67 and was diagnosed in my early 60s. I am SO grateful for this video and what you're sharing. I have lived with these thoughts and beliefs about myself since I was a child. It's been a hard journey getting to the place where I am even willing to consider accepting myself AS I AM. I'm literally exhausted from trying the techniques to be neurotypical. Thank you so much for this!! 😢 You probably understand the tears.

[@stuartwoodcock9780]

OH WOW. I just turned 60 and I have just been diagnosed. Yes rebuilding core values is difficult, but Im me and I can build a different me 🙂

[@raymondmerlock]

How you been diagnosed in your sixties I'm turning 51 and I think I've just been realizing in the last year too how was your journey where can I go to get tested

[@loganskiwyse7823]

diagnosed at 53, 56 now. Still unable to access the services the state is required to provide. Autism & ADHD etc. Fun times. Guess the only comfort is I knew 20 years early I had Autism. But like a lot of high functioning autistic in my day there was a presumption on my part that high functioning equal more normal. That is so far from reality I could not have been more wrong. Creators like this are what let me accept the ADHD diagnosis as well as understand the degree autism was dictating my life.

[@stephanieschroeder9622]

@@raymondmerlock I highly expected I was ADD after my son was unofficially diagnosed ( but was obvious) and our other son had dyslexia. I was focused on them, so I "set myself on a back burner" until they were older. I had to do vision therapy and brain integration therapy with them, so it became more obvious that I was ADD. I was in counseling for 5+ years for depression and anxiety and was sent to a psychiatrist for diagnosis. I would start with a primary care doctor and see if they will refer you for a diagnosis. It's worth finding out.

[@mindyskidder]

​@@raymondmerlock I was diagnosed in my early 50's - I did a lot of research and self-reflection before finally having a long talk with my family doctor to get the "testing" ball rolling...

[@VanessaMarieBooks]

Thank you so much for making this! I got the "lazy" label from my dad so much as a kid and I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until last year as an adult. Finally so many things started to make sense and I realized it wasn't that I was "lazy," my brain just has a hard time doing things unless I'm super interested in it at the time. Once I started learning tools and strategies to help my ADHD, it got a little better, but I still struggled to do things sometimes. And I keep thinking, "you've got the tools and strategies you need, you just need to use them," and I end up internalizing that "lazy" label & think I must actually be lazy cause I've got the tools to help me but still won't use them. So hard to break out of that ableist mindset. Also, the "I'll do fun things when I'm not me anymore." So relatable. I have terrible boundaries when it comes to my work time (since I work for myself), and I'm always working later than I want to cause I get distracted during the day.

[@RairakkuMushi]

This is interesting! I’ve always approached my adhd journey with “what do I need to do, so my adhd doesn’t self sabotage me and I can do what “I” want to do? What do I Need to be happy?” Screw what other people think and want. It’s what I want out of my life.

[@Katlyn_Duncan]

"I'm allowed to exist in this world" I love the context of this as someone living with ADHD, and for anyone who is "different". Can we get a t-shirt??? LOL

[@919MedicKing]

And a sticker!

[@the1betterpodcast84]

This video reminded me of this passage: "This is the healing trap. A death defying tug of war between the aspect of you who needs a solution and the aspect of you who needs unconditional approval for exactly how it is. And the more you try to win that fight by trying to find a solution and by trying to heal, the more pain you will feel. When you are caught in the healing trap, we need to create alignment between the two warring aspects of ourselves by doing the following… 1)Showing the aspect of you that needs a solution that the conditional approval that is inherent in our quest for healing is the actual problem and thus unconditional approval as the actual solution. 2) Showing the aspect of you that needs unconditional approval that the other aspect of itself is trying to find solutions, not because it needs it to change to be loved, but because it loves it already and thus obviously wants it to feel good. instead of bad."

[@justbeegreen]

I appreciate you sharing this. Who are you quoting?

[@the1betterpodcast84]

@@justbeegreen it seems I couldnt leave an article link on here so if you're wondering, it's Teal Swan 😊

[@sammylove14]

Gosh - this video strikes a very painful chord. I definitely have never felt ok if I didn’t try to combat my ADHD tendencies… hence why I truly enjoy being all alone.

[@ldm290b8]

Boy, do I feel that. It's easier to be alone because you don't have to change/adapt to others, which is one less thing eating up mental energy/brain space. Or at least, that's how I feel about it

[@god-hy5th]

This hit really deep ...the self depreciation is so strong amongst us with adhd we often forget where that negativity started..

[@tris5602]

I had a class last year that sat squarely in the overlapping weaknesses of my ADHD and autism, and I woke up every day feeling like I was cursed. In a lot of ways, it was the first time I ever felt truly disabled. It wasn't a situation where I could work harder or dig down a little deeper. For eight long weeks, I had to wrestle with the most difficult facets of both my disabilities every single day. It was both devastating and excruciating. There was no silver lining. I was completely defined by my limitations. Then that class ended, and night transitioned into day. In my next set of courses, I was cruising through the material, grasping new concepts right and left. I was excited, motivated, and challenged in all the right ways. I went from throwing myself at a subject that seemed to be designed to thwart me, to feeling like I'd found the sort of problems my brain was designed to solve. It was like being mired in quicksand, and suddenly being able to fly. I gave my all during those eight weeks, and hurt myself in the process. All anyone will ever see is the A on my transcript, never knowing how much it cost me. It wasn't until I was on the other side that I realized it wasn't worth it, and that I shouldn't have done it. I'm never going to "get better", and that's finally okay with me.

[@Pensnmusic]

This, but I swung from failing classes to acing classes. It's only in hindsight that I can understand why. I was deeply depressed in college because of this and was considering ending things at the time. It took 5 more years to even find out I had ADHD. My initial psychologist was "too close to a college campus" and wouldn't prescribe me stimulants or see any ADHD patients. I had to drive an hour out of town each month to get stimulants. I missed one appoints and the shame.. I stopped taking meds for 2 more years. Things are a LOT better now, mostly due to me finding as very understanding and knowledgeable psychiatrist close to home. I don't know where I'd be without access to meds and a doctor that actually listens. You don't need to get better, none of us are broken. Stay connected to people who understand what it's like, it truly helps so much just to be understood.

[@FiresNewCreation]

@@Pensnmusic IDK bro, this may just be semantics, but I do feel like "broken" is a really good descriptor. Its not our /fault/, and we deserve love, acceptance, dignity, respect, and validation as much as anyone, but there are absolute correlations between lead exposure, second hand smoke, flame retardants, and more with learning disabilities, anger and aggression, and ADHD. Often manufacturers and governments knew the harm, consumers didn't, and it got in us anyway. Though if someone looses a limb because of an accident someone else caused, they are not a less valuable person intrinsically. They should still be treated with care love and respect, but they absolutely are in a situation that is less optimal for enjoying the human experience. I think this should be a cause for compassion, not derision though. But we should absolutely hold those who knew accountable and work to change it so less instances happen. I would not wish my struggles on anyone! Even though I love and accept myself. If I could make things easier for others, I wish to.

[@hayleynugent7710]

Seriously just talked to my therapist about "just being" and not having to mask my adhd so hard because it's not sustainable and I come home exhausted... you touched on and expanding on lots of those points and I really appreciate this video

[@AmandaSbarros]

These days my mom told me I was getting worst and that broke my heart bc I was just not faking around her....

[@richbarrett6380]

@Hayley Nugent; “The hardest and easiest part of being a human, is being human..”

[@SmallBobby]

It was so exhausting for me I quit my job and just did nothing for months really rediscovering who I am outside of societal pressure. It's been better than any medication.

[@twosounds]

@@SmallBobby uff that's just want i'm thinking about doing! glad to hear that was a positive experience for you - i'm still feeling very scared about it!

[@therealmcmuffin]

I've had a life coach, gone to therapy, downloaded special apps on my phone, created systems and strategies for everything! But I'm here to say: I still have ADHD. I still forget to use my systems and strategies or don't have energy to use them. I struggle with relationships and feel the intense pain of RS/RSD. I still struggle to work, maintain a schedule, feed and take care of myself. It's hard, really hard and tiring sometimes. Was feeling pretty discouraged tonight but was quickly reminded by this community that it's okay. I may never embody the idea in my head of who I'm supposed to be but there's a better, more authentic version of myself right here. The people who don't understand me will fade away, and the people who do will love me always. At least if I always show up as myself I'll always make genuine friendships (if anyone will be my friend lol). In the end it's the surrender to our truest self that's most important. It's an emotional journey but the acceptance of who we are, and who we are not, will set us free.

[@suzanneault8328]

Thank you. I’m a woman in my 40s and I was given ADHD diagnosis a couple of weeks ago. My whole life I have felt I am not good enough, I could never measure up to the standards and expectations of others. Now I know why and I am learning who I really am. Thank you for showing me I am not alone in this journey and for validation of my experience and struggles. Thank you for reminding me I have a choice to be who I am. Xx

[@juliab1488]

This is almost the exact conversation I had with my therapist yesterday that started with the daily exhaustion of constantly managing myself, I feel like we're taught that the ideal way to be is being convenient for other people, even in areas that only impact ourselves, and if we're not then we're failing as people and not good enough. The idea of being 'good' as-is is something I'm really struggling with right now too, I always try to remind myself that there is no moral consequence in day-to-day activities or routines but the idea of being a 'good' or a 'bad' person because of our habits and productivity is so ingrained it's really hard to overcome. My therapist likened it to the sharing of chores and responsibilities in a relationship when you're living with a partner. Like they always forget to take the garbage out until it's overflowing and they don't like doing the dishes every day but that's ok because they often cook new and interesting meals and they're always surprising me with nice gestures and little ways to help out, besides the garbage rarely gets stinky and we still have plates to eat off even if they don't do those things on the schedule I would. Just because you don't like to do certain things or you do them differently from others doesn't mean you're a bad person and doesn't mean you don't have value in those, and other, areas.

[@LuisVasDeCamoes]

I'm 33 and I was diagnosed this year with ADHD... Even though most "characteristics" fit me like a glove, I can not subconsciously accept that my fails were not my fault

[@lunar686]

Something that might be helpful is understanding how to allocate responsibility for “fails” with better specificity. Even though concepts such as ‘success and failure’ are very abstract, we tend to treat them like they are concrete concepts, or facts. “S.M.A.R.T” goal setting is kinda a useful tool here, because for something to be considered successful or a failure, it sort of forces you to analyse the design of the goal ‘before’ it’s possible to evaluate and determine the outcome of it. There’s nothing wrong if you do fail to meet a goal, taking responsibility for our actions allows us to better understand our own strengths and limitations, which may also give us a new goal of areas that we may want to improve where possible. Unfortunately, even if we only contributed to a fraction of a ‘failure’, we have a tendency to assign the entirety of the blame to ourselves. We also have a tendency to then use this to define ourselves, and then attribute morality to it. Basically, I find the best strategy is to reverse engineer this tendency. Rather than constructing a story from a fragment, it’s a lot easier to deconstruct the story to find what fragments we can take responsibility for

[@LuisVasDeCamoes]

@@lunar686 yesterday I once again missed a meeting at work, today one month of my work was removed from the main project because my team did not understood and had no patience to hear my explanation. I lost credibility because of bad communicative skills even though technically I may be more skilled. This is failing...

[@ErinLeland]

I literally just found this... If you get to see this, Jessica... I love that you exist. Thank you so much for everything you do. I've never felt so valid in my life.

[@user-xl1rb5ll4k]

This is so deep. I struggle with adhd and it’s so crippling.. I hate it when people self diagnose and act like it’s so common and everyone deals with it. Minimizing what I deal with.. I wish I could do better

[@twohundred75percent]

"I'll get to do the fun things when I'm not me anymore" this hit hard. 💔

[@StevenIrwin1985]

Man, this extends to so many aspects of my life. The ways that I hate myself for not being the “correct” version of an adult, a man, a dad, a husband. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out how to be something different than who I actually am. And so now here we are 30+ years later and I don’t even know who that is.

[@fastfiddler1625]

This was a 13 minute video that just made me realize what I've been missing about myself for the last 30 years of my life. I'm brought to tears because I've gone through life thinking I'm just a terrible person because I can't do things the same way as others, or make and keep friends like others. I was raised in the 90s thinking that it was a classroom deficiency. I had no idea how much it would steer my entire life, even as I was living it.

[@C.V.Q]

Oh god, this hit way harder than I was expecting. I've realized recently that I've been really struggling with internalized ableism as well. I've felt like I need to reject the idea that I'm disabled and instead think of myself as gifted, or just a bit different. Because somehow accepting my ADHD disabilities means accepting I'm a broken person. But that's where the ableism lies. Being disabled doesn't mean I'm broken. It just means I need accommodations so I can live my life in a way that isn't so stressful. Anyway, seeing this video makes me want to just own it. I'm so exhausted from pretending I'm something I'm not. Every thing I want to put effort into changing, I'll do for myself because it increases my own quality of life. And not just because it's 'normal'

[@timjeffries9833]

This is such a hard hitting video. You’ve captured the struggle of my life. For a few years now I’ve been dipping my toes in the pool of “I am valid just as I am” while standing on the shores of ableism. I find that the more I walk into the waters of acceptance the more I’m labeled as selfish. I’ve even been told that being who I am without trying to change who I am will make me incapable of having lasting relationships. Hearing that I am not the only one on this journey is a huge blessing. Thank you, Jessica, for expending the immense energy necessary for such pointed introspection. I know how draining it is and this seed you’ve planted is growing day by day. The fruit, of which, will nourish the world’s Neurodivergent brains.

[@FiresNewCreation]

It's possible to love yourself and another as is, even including flaws, but we should try to not harm ourselves or others, and give the same compassion, consideration and care as we would like to receive. This is how we can love ourselves, be honest about who we are, and still not be abusive/selfish to others. I wish you the best in your journey!

[@timjeffries9833]

@@FiresNewCreation Thank you! Even as I read your text I find myself questioning which behaviors or traits constitute as “flaws”. Being mean to people is a flaw because no situation or condition calls for it, right? What about being forgetful? I am forgetful and, over time, have tied my memory recall to my self-worth, often leading me to feel poorly of myself. Is forgetfulness a flaw? Well, it causes pain in others just as if I had been mean to them. Is it ableist to think that forgetfulness is a flaw? We should try to do good to others. Have empathy. What does trying look like? I’ve tried for years to be better at remembering things. Planning, strategies, repetition, organization, meditation, etc. I’ve been told that I am not actually “trying” if I don’t get better at it. What if I spend my whole life genuinely trying, but never make substantial progress in my efficacy? How long does a person need to try before expecting a result becomes ableism? Is it ableist to expect a result in the first place?

[@NyoomMonster]

If you just be who you are without trying to change it then you're more likely to find someone who likes you how you are and isn't bothered by you as you are, someone you feel like you can be dysfunctional around. Someone you can relax around. That's a good thing. You don't want to feel like you have to hide away in order to let go.

[@MEOWalina]

i've been told the same thing!! my close friend of 20 years stopped talking to me because she was "sick of me not helping myself" because i was not "improving & moving forward with my goals" as fast as she thought i should. i'm so tired of people not understanding and not accomodating my struggle with ADHD. at this point it feels like i can only be friends with others who severely struggle with it as much as i do.

[@alexandrawinsor881]

you don't have any ableism. It is impossible. You do not have a disability. Sincerely, someone with adhd and autism (an actual disability).

[@wardsdotnet]

Those tools that help you "overcome" your ADHD are really accommodations, like a ramp or curb cut is to someone in a wheelchair. It's ok to ask for accommodation to your disabilities! It's also ok to try to overcome them but that is only a bonus, not a basic requirement

[@meaghanmccleary7509]

Something my parents told me a lot as a kid is that "ADHD is not a crutch". To a certain extent, they were right, in that the ADHD does not absolve me of responsibility for my behavior. The other side of that advice, though, is that it was never really acceptable to behave as though I have ADHD. The ADHD was not a good enough excuse for ADHD behaviors. It's one of the things that has stuck with me since and generated a lot of guilt. This video has made me feel seen. Thank you.

[@heyitspenniman]

I relate to this so hard! My parents really did mean well, but I definitely did internalize the message that ADHD is something to "get over", instead of something that you learn to live with.

[@tigerlilystargazer4073]

That feeling of never getting to be done hit me hard. I have started choosing to let myself be done, otherwise I was always on, always behind, and never done. Now I try to tell myself that however much I did (or didn't) get done is ENOUGH.

[@BrassicaRappa]

This is so hard, because what you're talking about - with your value being conditional based on your ability to squeeze yourself into a mold and fit a standard - is something I think everyone experiences to one degree or another. It's just so much more intense for some of us. But that makes it *REALLY* hard to talk about with people who are naturally closer to the standard. Like the whole time you were talking I could just hear a million voices saying "well yeah, sweetie. Everyone goes through that, it's just part of life. They don't get that it's SO MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE for some of us.

[@Amanda-mf3dr]

I hear this!

[@VoxAsteri]

EXACTLY

[@hpeel89]

"it's so much more expensive for some of us" - these are the words I've been searching for to describe the difference between the reality I live in vs those of my neurotypical family and friends. Thank you for that.

[@kedithmiaff]

soo much more expensive indeed! and don't you hate it when people dig their nose to your financial struggles as if you can not decide for yourself what to buy and what not to? besides impulsivity I am speaking about... Impulsive shopping is a struggle for us, yea but hey hey hey! I focus better when I do my impulsive shoppings so they are necessary for me. How will we draw the line?

[@AndreaCrisp]

Bingo! I really wish we taught empathy, validation and listening skills in school. It would help us and everyone else so much.

[@uhBurrito]

"trying to erase any trace of me having ADHD for the convenience of others" this one really hits home. It's like living a double life. :(

[@twosounds]

uff yes a double life, or multiple lifes depending on the audience! really feeling that too.

[@amyabledogtraining8711]

I don't remember the exact wording of what you said, and I don't have the bandwidth to go back through and find it, but basically when you said that the only way you can stop and relax or enjoy your life was when you stop being yourself... I'm crying right now. I'm on my own ADHD journey, and I'm currently in the process of getting my daughter diagnosed. That's so hard to hear coming from her already really. And I'm sure I've unintentionally fed her that messaging. I am so grateful for your genuine nature and thank you for trusting us enough to be so vulnerable. I know we have never met, but I truly feel like we are friends and I love every single video you make. Thank you.

[@dairyanne]

Thank you SO much for this video Jessica. It was an important missing piece of the puzzle in my adhd journey. Thanks for your honesty and generosity as always. We're always growing.

[@MattFader1]

I feel like I’m “always eating at my desk”, it hurts so much and you help bring to light a internalised issue I’ve long neglected. I’m going to try to go to a adhd support group, I need to feel like I’m not the only one. I need to be around my people again. Thanks Jessica as alway.

[@RG.9970]

I don’t watch much, but I was very late diagnosed with ADHD. I couldn’t make it through half way without crying. Love bug, you are amazing and give me hope. That I can be ok to be me. 💕

[@HowtoADHD]

🧡🧡🧡

[@HiHi-ir6ke]

Same, I was crying my eyes out. Thank you for what you do!

[@naturallygeekster8769]

Samen here… I’m almost done testing. I get my results at the end of the month. But this made me cry so much..

[@HiHi-ir6ke]

@@naturallygeekster8769I'm almost 40 & I've been trying to get tested... they keep saying that "it's got to be something else"... I've even been told by a professional that " it's just because you are a mom, it will get better when your kids are older." The consensus is always "but you're successful and don't seem to struggle." When literally everything I do, every damn day is so hard to get through & I'm constantly forcing myself to push & do better... because "I shouldn't have anything wrong with me.".

[@nemea23]

I'm with you 😭💜

[@baileyeasson7481]

I just got diagnosed this past Saturday, June 11th. At the age of 32. I'm at the beginning of my journey of learning what this means for myself and learning to work with my brain, not fight against it. Your line in this video about "I'll get to do the fun things when I'm not myself anymore" really struck a chord with me. For years I've struggled to let myself consistently indulge in fun activities. Particularly the more time-consuming ones like reading, video games, crafting, etc. A voice in my mind always says, "You should be doing ____ instead." Which usually meant something more practical - homework, chores, etc. I really want to overcome that. I'm in therapy and at the start of my ADHD journey, and that's something I really want to learn is how to let myself do the fun activities when I want to, not the indefinite parameters some inner critic has decreed.

[@eissimare]

"I'll get to do fun things when..." that hit hard. I still don't know how to cut myself slack. Thank you for this video

[@SnowySpiritRuby]

Sending this to my mom - she's still treating me from an ableist perspective while still claiming that she's not, even though I've been diagnosed for 10 years.

[@TheEDFLegacy]

I think we're all ablest in some form or other, even if we don't even know it. We only know our _own_ experiences, and not someone else's, so when someone else is struggling with something you've mastered, you likely immediately think "why are you struggling so much with something that seems so natural?" The difference being a bad ablest is when someone starts _blaming_ that person for not "trying hard enough." Being compassionate and trying to learn another's feelings and situation can go a long way to helping them. Don't blame yourself for your early videos; like everyone, it's a mental health journey. Besides which, you originally made this channel to catalogue your own growth, and never expected it to become a following for 1,160,000 (and counting!) fellow brains. :P

[@HowtoADHD]

That's so well put. It's a journey, yeah, and we're all at different places on that journey. I don't regret the work I put into learning about my brain and all these tools/strategies etc, because a lot of what I can do now does help me toward my goals -- I'm just glad I finally got to the point where I can accept and embrace my differences too :)

[@SonsOfLorgar]

@@HowtoADHD you have a spambot invader (Xenia)

[@milascave2]

The: Yep. And what peole do to me, I have also done to others. In the areas where I learn easily, Imjust can't get why others can't get it. It's like "I explained Sartre's philosphy five times to you already and you still don't get it?" I mean, someparts of it are pretty hard to get, but still.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Ableism is inherently problematic, it doesn't much matter what's going on in your head, if you built a building with stairs and no provision for users in wheelchairs that might need access. Nobody is perfect, but any time there is an assumption about what people can do, there's potential for problems. Doesn't make people bad, but it still causes issues for others.

[@Infernoraptor]

That first part isn't entirely true. We have our own experiences but we also those of people around us, or, at least, our interpretation of those people's experiences. Other people's failures aren't as obvious to us as our own because they aren't advertised and not as apparent to us as our own. Meanwhile, other people's successes are paraded around. Recognizing that, recontextualizing that info, and critically analyzing the basis for your assumptions is a skill that requires practice. (This applies to NT people as well, but it's really important for people with delusional disorders like Depression or processing issues like ADHD.)

[@skytolson9083]

You saying that you're a good friend, made me cry. Because it's really hard. I've lost a lot of relationships due to a lack of tools to mitigate/handle my ADHD, and have been relegated to being unreliable, a liar, a flake, a mooch. It's been really, really hard. Thank you for this video.

[@lizvert]

This was your most spot on video yet, I think. Thanks for being vulnerable, it's a step in the direction of not fighting who you are every minute. Well done.

[@imdjc4]

Great analogy of the stencils not aligning. This was how I felt as a child whenever I was sent to the principal's office. I was grouped in with the 'bad' boys. They didn't care for whatever reason they were sent there. I did. And more often than not, I didn't even deserve to be sitting there in the first place.

[@couleurful]

This !!

[@Tarrynn]

So much same

[@samaanthag]

I got kicked out of science class because I sat with my feet up I also lost marks for drawing a sunshine or flower around holes on paper

[@deanrichard1770]

I remember in 7th grade because i was “disrespecting” my science teacher by constantly looking out the window from boredom she took my desk and had it face s corner when everybody got to dissect frogs. I still use the anger from my treatment as a child as a force for positive change. I think im going to be a teacher to give kids a good teacher they deserve

[@imdjc4]

@@deanrichard1770 It was always the crazy bad teachers that treated people like sh!t. That's how to do it. To steal a Hollywood quote, "Use the force." Good luck with the education venture too.

[@curiouskitteh8215]

I bet you made a whole lot of us bawl our eyes out on this one. You really nailed it and I’m grateful for you. I was diagnosed last July at age 45 and have spent over 1K on tools and medicines since then to get better, be better, do better. It’s exhilarating to experience hacks working and begin to excel in a way I never have before. But this self-acceptance is so important, because I’ve been improving my weaknesses rather than using my brilliant strengths. I can’t figure out how to get paid for my strengths.

[@noneofurbusiness5223]

Amen!

[@DawnDavidson]

Crying right now.

[@theveryfirstlostgirl4593]

yup was def sobbing on the couch just now

[@rosemorris9037]

❤. I'm 56 yo, and just started on an ADD medication. I can so totally relate to struggles around time and people's judgement around it.

[@mae147900]

Excited to see this path. I found your channel while researching ADHD. I don't have it myself, but I am surrounded by people that do. At home. At work. And even many friends. This channel helps me to try and see from the ADHD perspective. I strive to create harmony in neurodiversity

[@bethseth810]

My counselor at school seems kind of ableist. She has experience in psychology and she made me feel like I was “better” than other people with adhd because I got good grades..? Adults that are SUPPOSED to be helpful can feel like the ones who drag us down the most sometimes 😣

[@Zwijger]

Psychologist, therapists and counsilors are, without sounding denigrating, people who are trained to understand people who are different, while not being different themselves, and most of them simply fall short because of that. For the same reason I can't understand how it feels to live as someone of a minority race in my country, or how hard it is for a blind person to go through their life.

[@telefeeb1]

And it’s important to remember that for various professions like this their education is based on either outdated or even heavily biased research! And I also wanted to kinda bring up that a person can still develop an understanding and empathize with people from other walks of life, if they put in the work to actually get to know Other People. But yeahhh, the average school psychologist has one job and that’s to make the school look good. Usually by “improving” behavior, at least long enough to graduate and push the problem onto someone else. There are exceptional people that actually make your life better instead of just behavior, of course. But if their job is just to keep you from inconveniencing people, they’ll probably make it seem like a moral superiority for you that you aren’t making them work harder.

[@CaptainLollyPoopDeck]

Before I was diagnosed at 27- the entire year of fifth grade- I wasn't allowed to play during recess. My teacher was horribly strict about late or missing assignments and took away children's recess privileges if they were behind on classwork. That included missing work from absences too. Every month she would give students "love letters" which were folders of missing assignments to students every month. I was so behind that I never caught up until maybe the last two weeks of that year. It really ingrained the belief that I was a a bad student which made me a bad person. I was already a depressed child, and that year was the first time I ever felt suicidal. Looking back I can't believe that teacher was so cruel to children.

[@Madamoizillion]

I'm so, so sorry you were treated like that by a teacher, that makes me so furious. That's not right. Children have a right to play. I'm an environmental educator and after my own experiences in standard school, my entire philosophy has evolved to be that education should be play-based as much as possible. It's so much healthier for kids, because most of the lessons kids learn in 5th grade aren't going to be remembered, but how you treat them, teaches them how to treat themselves, and that will affect them their entire life. I hate how standard school in the US is set up. It's so damaging in so many ways.

[@Debbie-ue2mm]

I am so sad that that happened to you!

[@CaptainLollyPoopDeck]

@@Madamoizillion I was talking about this teacher to a co-worker who used to work at that school years ago. I told her about how she treated me and she told me "That's not true. She was an excellent teacher you must be thinking of someone else." Turned out that she was also an abusive co-worker, and just a terrible person too. You are going to change children's lives with the way you treat them 💛

[@3amAfterlife]

I've had nightmares of being back in school and being hopelessly behind with many assignments. I haven't been to a class in almost a decade but it's funny how terrifying those nightmares feel lol

[@sweetie3.145]

This is HUGE for me that you said this. I was crying! I needed you to put this into words so much!

[@EmilynWood]

I wasn't expecting to cry but your encouraging message hit hard and I definitely teared up.

[@jasonwalker3196]

For months before I was diagnosed I constantly asked myself and my wife, "how do people just live with themselves?" I was extremely depressed and completely frustrated with myself. I did not know how people could just do something. I always struggled with whatever i did. I couldn't understand how people could just do something and then say to themselves,"yeah, I'm good with that". Nothing I ever did was good enough for me. My perfectionism is through the roof while doing even a mediocre job took an immense amount of effort. After getting diagnosed, it was a massive relief because it felt like I could understand myself for the first time in 30 years. Now, a few months later, once again I'm asking "how do people just live with themselves?" I'm so focused on pushing to get the next job done and trying so hard to overcome ADHD that I feel like I'm just trying to deny who I am. Thank you for the video, it reflects a lot of what I feel and I means a lot that someone else is feeling the same way that I do.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

What’s interesting is that as an undiagnosed adult , I compare myself to others . So if I’m around someone with more extreme adhd, I feel like the normal one . But when I’m around a typical person, I definitely feel like I have adhd . And I’ve also realized that I get mad at the people with more extreme versions . It wasn’t until lots of self reflection that I now have grace and understanding for them and myself. People have to put up with me and who am I not to extend that same grace of understanding to others ?

[@MissBMoon]

You're also allowed to be annoyed at other people, adhd/nd or not you know? 🤗 I'm triggered by different things than other people, and it's ok to feel that way. Ex. I'm horrible at paying attention when doing something else, so then I feel extremely annoyed when other NDs like to talk to no end, or infodump at the wrong time. I also get frustrated when I'm meeting someone new and they try to ask non-factual questions (what's your favourite movie? do you like musicals? I like too many variables to answer this 😬) because they are excited to know me, but I don't know how to answer them so then I feel guilty for giving wishy-washy answers.

[@toobossforchuck]

it's so cool you've done a lot of reflection on this! i also want to add--there are people who will LOVE and VALUE you for your adhdness, not "put up" with you, and it's a common thing to feel like we're inherently annoying and that the best we can hope for is that are more neuroconforming extend us grace, put up with us, etc....but that is totally not true! we're vibrant human beings who matter as much as anyone and have valuable insights about the world and if someone is just putting up with us, they just haven't looked hard enough past their biases to see who we truly are. it's important to find those people who will love and value your adhdness, i hope it will help you love and value the adhdness of those who are less conforming than you, too (and of course you are allowed to simply not vibe with some people, that's okay too! it's nothing wrong with either person--some people just don't mesh)

[@hobistinyheartbag]

I have severe ADHD and I get annoyed by myself. I do blame myself too maybe because I’m the only person with adhd around me and everyone is frustrated by me but I kinda agree with them idk I can see why I’m so annoying I can’t emphasize with myself at this point

[@scotburns3991]

OMG, Thank you Jessica! I stumbled onto your channel (because I got distracted) and I've been sitting in the university library for 37 hours trying to *start* my assignment, beating myself up, telling myself "you can go home when it's done"... "you can see your wife when it's done"... "you can sleep, and eat, and take a gosh-darn shower WHEN IT'S DONE"... You've simultaneously made me able to accept my hyperfocus 'death spiral' and break free from it (for now). Going home. Getting some sleep. Eating a vegetable or two. Trying again tomorrow. Trying to do better. Because I want to. Not because I have to. Thank you!!! ❤

[@vicky266]

Thank you for all that you do and who you are! You’re simply amazing! We are more than enough ❤️

[@staroblivion1898]

I’ve been feeling quite bad about myself lately for “failing” to manage my symptoms. This video made me feel a lot better, thank you for sharing

[@SinisterXRouge]

me too!

[@DogLady161]

Oh man this really spoke to my soul. As an ADHDer and also a social worker for kids with behavioral health diagnoses I find I’m so passionate about instilling this attitude in the kids I work with while simultaneously being so hard on myself. Thanks for the reminder/pep talk.

[@HowtoADHD]

That's AWESOME that you're able to help the kids you work with! 🧡 But I totally get what you're saying here... definitely suffer the same issue. Passionately help others only to be super hard on myself. Yup. Definitely sounds familiar. 😅 At least we're not alone?

[@jessibrandt4873]

This is fabulous! Thank you for sharing this Jessica. Very powerful. Love the direction you are taking the channel. I look forward to continue learning and growing with you. Thank you for the amazing work you do. You are an amazing human.

[@markbrennan6470]

Wow, this is one of your best videos to date for me. I kept thinking/punishing myself over the years for not being able to get organized, remember dates, etc etc, no matter how many tools I tried I always feel like I failed at being ADHD, asking myself how can others get it right, and not struggle. The best day in my life was being diagnosed as being ADHD 6 years ago, finally, my life fit into a box and made sense. But being able to let go of a lifetime of hearing "your not good enough, why can't you be like everyone else" you start to take on those beliefs, and well we all know where that rabbit hole can lead to. Thank you for this message, I needed to hear that I am ok as I am even with my struggles.

[@leslieyancey5084]

“…I think the world needs to start making a little bit more space for us as well.” This quote is everything!

[@anna-mariasausa764]

All my life I’ve had to make excuses for my not being like neuro typicals . No more!!! I’m Not broken ; I just think differently. Thank you Jess! It’s taken me 70 years to learn that & I learned it from You❤

[@KS-un3pi]

I try to tell my family this....falls on deaf ears but I feel better.

[@anna-mariasausa764]

@@KS-un3pi I feel you. I’m still trying to do the same thing. They keep “forgetting “ is what they say. I know they don’t believe me. What is important is to not worry About how others feel

[@tramzone]

for me accepting fully my adhd was a breakthrough moment where i actually started valuing myself from the inside. it was an amazing first step but the rollercoaster the constant work rewriting yourself never ends

[@HaidarAlyse]

This channel has been so helpful this past year- I have not received a diagnosis for ADHD but have experiences consistent with it, and my husband was diagnosed in HS. He recently got re-evaluated to try to get accommodations at his college, and I was so glad to see this channel was among the recommended resources that his doctor included! This information in an accessible format with such deep relatability is such a gift.

[@puppythevampireslayer4998]

THIS. IS. IT!! I'm also gifted and anything less than like 90% would be considered "not reaching my potential" in school. I "underperformed" because the assessment methods were never ADHD-friendly and I always felt like I HAD to score really highly because in theory I could. I put in an insane amount of work and it still was never enough because the adults around me knew I was capable of better. I had a nervous breakdown at 17 in the run up to the finals of my second junior year because I was so overworked, but I didn't get enough time to rest and I took a gap year during the pandemic literally just to recover from the burnout. I'm in uni now and have decided that even though in theory I could be getting higher grades, it's not worth it to me and I don't have to prove my worth to anyone with grades. I'm smart, but I am just not good at tests, and I don't have to be! I've also stopped measuring the success of ADHD treatment by academic achievement, instead I think about my quality of life and wellbeing. I'm a lot happier since accepting that I have normal grades, that I tend to be late, and that sometimes I spend hours on small things. Other people may have had a problem with those things, but I'm actually fine with them so I don't have to change them! (PS. your vids + my meds are pretty much the only reason I've made it to uni so thank you!!!❤)

[@ArtzyZero]

It's through this channel that I've started to understand why my brain works the way it does, before stumbling upon it I always just assumed ADD was poor attention span and nothing more, it's very likely that I zoned out when the doctors that first diagnosed me were explaining my condition. XD Now I'm learning why I get distracted, why I have days with no energy or why I forget to eat, drink or even lose track of time. And I often say "That's just the way my brain is wired" as opposed to "That's just the way I am" when explaining something that my ADHD interferes with because I prefer viewing it as a part of me but not 'me'. My mum turned around to me at one point and said "I'm worried you're using this as an excuse to not try, hiding behind your ADHD". It was difficult to get her to understand that I've gone through my whole childhood up to my mid twenties not knowing why I acted the way I did, even if she knew why. But now I'm finally learning about me, and I like knowing more about myself! I just want others that I care about to understand what is me and what is my brain. For example, if I stop listening to them midway through a conversation they understand that I've zoned out, that I'm not trying to be rude and they just need to get my attention again.

[@Cyannas]

Exactly. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m being spoken to until a few seconds in. I know it used to irritate my husband, thinking I was ignoring him. Fortunately he didn’t take the “ADHD is an excuse” route. Now he just understands I need to be made aware he’s speaking to me. If I ask him to repeat the previous two sentences to catch me up, he realizes this is actually a sign of interest and is no longer offended by it.

[@trick23]

This is the one video I have to remind myself to revisit, again and again. It's difficult, even 25 years after my diagnosis, even after I'm medicated every day, even after therapy, etc etc... not to hate my brain sometimes. That's the part where I need to put the work in- to accept this is me, and yes my brain works differently. But here I am surviving, learning, setting obtainable goals, and often finding beauty & joy in the little things that maybe other people forget to notice. I appreciate your series SO MUCH! These videos are seriously great therapy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@TheTanukaur]

This video is extremely close to what I feel constantly as a person who has struggled with some fundamental and basic things since I was a little kid. I couldn’t have said it better. Your channel has been the source of my sanity for few years now. Thank you for being you ❤️