I don't want to be an e-girl anymore

Please see the humour in the title I used the term e-girl loosely

[@lodragan]

When I was young I never thought I would live past 21. I'm 60 now. I just finished my first novel; my editor is going over now. I have a bunch of other projects involving writing, KZbin, music etc in the works. I plan on having unfinished projects when I die because reaching goals is a fleeting moment and isn't the point - it's the daily journey where real joy and meaning are found.

[@hanh7395]

Never thought of it that way, the having unfinished projects when you die part, and fleeting moment of the journey instead of destination. I am exactly half your age, and I overthink a lot, a lot of anxiety and avoidance. I’m still working on it, stressing about how much experiences and opportunities that I have missed in my teenage years and most(if not all) of my 20s. But hey, everybody’s journey is different, and that includes where/when the journey begins. Thanks for sharing.

[@neighbsCS]

that's real

[@avalokiteshvara113]

i'm 30, i wanna do all these things but i feel so trapped in a loop :c

[@lodragan]

@@avalokiteshvara113 Pick a goal. Take one step, and then another towards that goal. You'll never do ALL the things you want, but you can do a large number of them if you live in the moment, rather than being frozen in place worrying about why you can't do something, or catch yourself in a web of planning that becomes an excuse for inaction.

[@robloggia]

Life is short, but much longer than advertised. Never assume it's too late.

[@DrRhyhm]

I like this. Kinda giving me the vibe of "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

[@WhizPill]

Yup live ya life

[@EnergyCenterTV]

Life is long and excruciatingly filled with endless suffering, and then we live forever!

[@robloggia]

@@EnergyCenterTV Assuming there's an after life. Personally if I'm going to live forever, I'd rather stay in this world.

[@somus108]

The philosopher Seneca said: “It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested."

[@LeakedWisdom808]

"I'd invest in the technology to make Pokemon real." .... muchLOLs. xD

[@FerreusDeus]

It's going to happen, and we'll remember Harapones.

[@senzmaki]

write that down, write that down

[@handlemonium]

Wouldn't that just be genetically engineering our pets and giving them superpowers in augmented reality?

[@ByThePond]

Wait, they're not real?

[@zerosum1290]

god damn it i think i still want it.

[@AmmyTheGhost]

I'm 23 right now and I can fee the hope slowly leaking out of me

[@haropones]

:')

[@accountname-tu2om]

23? Damn man your life is almost over!

[@manitso2686]

bruh im 23 and im 2 years already out of hope XD

[@accountname-tu2om]

@@manitso2686 YOU'LL NEVER BE ANY YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE RIGHT THIS MOMENT. I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRITE THIS IN CAPS BUT HERE YOU GO. SORRY FOR SHOUTING.

[@dennisjungbauer4467]

26 now and same.. :| I hope I'll get out of my current phase, hopefully this year still, but it's getting close and so far barely progressing..

[@danframpt0n]

these moments of vulnerability are your superpower

[@Seeyatellite]

Kirbs, you are smart, honest and endearingly authentic. Online sharing can feel… it can ruin what we love in some ways. You explain things in clear and succinct ways. Your “followers” may be valuable, beautiful human hearts but you are not obligated to change who you are or put yourself in overdrive. Being you… sharing you… your art… your heart… these are your most precious things. *insert Sméagol quote* It’s beautiful how incredibly insightful you are. Care for yourself. Be mindful for you.

[@TDPlusPT]

It's totally relatable. I don't know how I ran into this, but I'm adding you to the prayer list. Your ambitions and worries sound identical to my wonderful wife (and me too, though slightly different in conception), all the regrets, feeling 'so ugly', the book writing (so many stories and characters), the game design degree, wanting to be successful and admired in your 20's (the 30 under 30 yeah?) 'hey maybe I could do KZbin' literally everything there. I'm rooting for you in the creative endeavors, building skills feels so great. Many are seeking what will make them happy, for good reason right? We want to be happy, but I personally am not sure that's actually good for us to seek that as the highest priority per say- more so to find out what we were meant to do in this season of life, we are so multifaceted and what might be great right now might not be where we should stay.. We are both now 35 and It's been a struggle to realign and build up, It's a bit personal and I don't want to dump on you here with an awkward topic, but my wife and I grew up in faith and sort of just, fell away. We didn't engage and really try to understand history or those deep 'how 'and 'why' things are- I can say, the most important thing I've learned in life (so far) is that it was a mistake- but also the most wonderful thing to rediscover and really dig back into those things, actually struggling though my conception of Christ helped me understand, helped me realign and 'get' who I am, even if I still have no idea what is in store for me. None of us are perfect, and that is ok. It will be ok. You were made for beautiful things, and maybe this season of life is the place to be and thrive. Keep after that unicorn! God bless you!

[@FacemeltsWasteland]

I really enjoy how self-aware and transparent you are when discussing these thought processes.

[@macgregorhall1076]

I've found your videos more and more relatable and honestly at a very surprising level lol ...and i think that for myself and likely many others its a great comfort when that's the case. Even without 1 on 1 communication it's like holy shit, this person gets it. I have had so many different desires for career paths from wanting to make games, writing game stories, artwork, fashion, youtube/twitch content and finally more writing. It's always been hard getting to a point where i can feel okay sharing anything I've made because among other reasons on some level i feel like it's bad or even when its not i would worry about it being perceived that way and the fear and anxiety that would brew it would kinda, defeat me. I think everything on top of my social anxiety made me usually feel like i just live defeated. Getting called ugly or fat or dumb when i was younger made me afraid to do anything i always worried about how i looked and could perform compared to everyone else. I've never had anyone in my life who backed me up when that stuff happened. I definitely found that once i started working out and looking more objectively better ya know i was more confident and wanted to get things done but i still question if that's just my body tricking me into a false sense of confidence. but that confidence is something that has long faded and now i feel like I'm not doing enough when I'm at the gym. I've been burnt out on so many things and other things i find that i just cant focus like opening a book sometimes and my brain automatically wants to try and read every word all at once and i just have put it down. When i read this back i can tell how my brain just wants say a million things and how all of it has a way of veering of track in some way lol. When i consider all the shortcomings and mishaps of life the one thing i know i can be certain about is my living with integrity and just trying to be a good man.

[@Fig698]

Thank you for sharing your journey I feel way less alone and more hopeful

[@simonbelmont0993]

I'm 38. I was exactly where you are now. I also wanted to be an artist. In my early twenties I attended the Art Institute of Pittsburgh for Media Arts and Animation/Game Art and Design. I was lucky enough to be taught by some of the most prolific renaissance era Disney artists of all time (shoutout to you, Mrs. Love). I loved art... but then I saw how the sausage was made. The industry is so churn and burn. Your value as an artist is next to nil to many of these companies, especially now with AI. When I did art before college it was cathartic and expressive, but when it became my job, the joy just left my body. I dropped out. Was in 3 different relationships from then 'til about 2018. Took a job as a store manager at a Game Stop, then jumped to Costco where I've been ever since. My life from my 20s until now has been an absolutely unfulfilling shitshow. But something clicked for me in the past few years. In 2020 I had a sort of epiphany. I spent a week getting right to the foundation of my soul, just as you're doing now. I wrote *so much* . I filled up a small notebook I bought just for this purpose. This might sound out of left field but I used to be a staunch liberal, but at some point I realized the things I actually valued no longer aligned with that sphere of thinking. Those circles I kept were so incredibly bad for my mental health. Everyone I was around was just miserable. Constantly shifting blame away from self and onto other factors of the world, just like I was. 'It's not my fault, it's [insert institution]'s fault!'. 'If my family was more supportive, I couldn't been somebody'. It was a cult of zero accountability. So I wrote a question down: 'Who do I want in my circle?' and then I listed a page of traits that I value. I couldn't work on myself with so much other negativity around me, so I cut everyone out who didn't fit at least half of those traits. I discovered 'the intellectual dark web' guys and gals, read their books, and really took their message to heart. That to work on oneself is the most monumental task of life, and it never stops, but only _you_ can make change happen. I wasn't growing. I was being far too judgmental in my 20s and early 30s, like I figured everything out. I look back at who I was when I was 28 and laugh how naive I was. Mentally, I'm the healthiest I've ever been. My new circle of friends are everything to me. Everyone lifts each other up. Most of them are very successful, happy, many of them Christian (I'm agnostic, but I used to be a staunch atheist). I'm _just now_ figuring out what I want to do at 38. I want to get into tech, not because I don't love art, but my relationship with it can't exist in a corporate setting. I want stability, but with a career that excites me. I've worked in retail this entire time and it's part of the reason my soul has felt so empty. So I guess my advice to you is this: open your mind to other aspects of your life that might be hindering your growth. Grab a notepad and just write about yourself. What do you want? What are your values? Who do you want around you? What does age 30 look like? Most importantly, don't be to hard on yourself. Visual thinkers like us means we overthink. We hyper-analyze. We're literally instructed to observe. That head narrator can sometimes be too cacophonous. Quiet that voice and allow yourself to grow. I don't know who you are, I've never seen this channel before, but I'm rooting for you.

[@ТимофейФейк]

Guys don't fall into this trap, she changed her strategy and now uses the image of a cute open casual girl. Or not - I know you'll be holding on to that hope until the last minute =).

[@juliuskugel5127]

It's very refreshing to see how rational and conscientious you are about what is at best a humbling realisation and at worst a profound injury to the Gen Z ego. This is the first step on a new way towards yourself. The road is hard but more rewarding than any amount of conformity ever will be. Wish you the best on your way.

[@TheTobalob]

These honest, revelationary videos are the best kind of content. My advice would be, just keep being your genuine self on youtube. There is so much bulls*** content on social media with the soul purpose of actively making people more stupid and I love seeing that people like yourself are going completely the other way. Can't wait to see more videos like this!

[@sharkymcshark3392]

I’m exactly the same, but as a man, I’m the same age as you. I DREAD getting older, not because I’m worried about being old, but because when I was younger I had crazy aspirations for myself and the older I get the less realistic they seem. For the last two years I’ve been deeply depressed, but like you, I returned to university again and that’s given me a focus and a goal in life to achieve, which has helped a lot.

[@brm117]

Sharing these thoughts is super helpful for other people! I think these videos are really insightful, and honestly resonate with me so much even though our lives are so different. As different as we are, we’re all the same :)

[@thomasevans1501]

Your level of introspection and keen sense of honest observation make you an absolute guru 👌. Watch some of Sadguru's content. Your truth is only relevant to you, but it can be very inspirational to others to see you go through this process of seeking self awareness ❤

[@zaccanoy]

i connect with this in the sense that i used to try and fit a number of personas i had sort of created for myself. they were aspirational, things i desired to be. in college, i started to realize this, and realized each persona had a lot of depth and caveats, because i didn’t truly want to be any of them. i realized i wanted to aspire to be my truest self, which was none of those things, but informed by many of the same ambitions that formed them. i ultimately came to where i don’t aspire to “be” anything, i simply move in the directions that bring me joy and lasting happiness. i think we all have to remove some of the responsibility from ourselves that we make up, and chase the things that give us energy and inspiration. only then do you have the energy you need to grow and achieve your goals. but in summary, the answer for me was “get out of the boxes you’ve created, don’t have a goal to ‘be’ anything, have goals to ‘do’ everything you want”

[@alexhussey1308]

I really love the openness and vulnerability in these videos! It may feel embarrassing for you to share some of these thoughts and feelings but I think many people just aren’t brave enough to express them verbally, making it seem more ostracizing than they might actually be. I think it’s super important for us as young people to share our experiences growing up with the great social media experiment, because we don’t have an historical model to compare ourselves to. We’re forced to learn as we go, so the more people sharing their experiences, the more data we all have to inform our decisions. The internet continually evolves to more efficiently extract money from us, by design. The more efficient it becomes, the more forethought and intent is required from us to get what we actually want from using it.

[@allyson--]

Great points! I agree

[@haropones]

I think so too!

[@cmanpatrick]

Very relatable. I think many creative people got sucked into the machine.

[@nathanhendry5089]

They really are helpful. I feel as though there's so much pressure in society to present a curated version of ourselves. Seeing videos where people are open about their life experience is like a silver bullet to that drive towards self-concealment and is a wonderful act of self love. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to be yourself. You provide a profound amount of value just by doing that. Thank you.

[@kittydaddy2023]

I will never stop rooting for this egirl to not be stupid anymore.

[@KenoNoir]

I feel really bad for younger girls who enter the stage entering adulthood and trying to find their way. I think it's important for all of us to remember that we all have our own timeline. I had to go back to school after trying to do a career change and it was VERY humbling. I was really embarrassed and felt like I failed. But finding a more stable career after it made it all worth it

[@Waldemar_la_Tendresse]

The video touches me, partly because I can totally relate to so much of it. Here are some of my thoughts on it: 1. The phenomenon of “social media” is not for very quiet people. The reason is quite simple: it shifts our expectations if we are not careful and believe that this is reality. The so-called “survivorship bias” plays a crucial role here. We only see successful, beautiful, eloquent, interesting, athletic beauties who seem to have so little to do with our own reality. 2. The mathematical reality of digital life looks relatively simple: the large number of lemmings follows the smaller number of lemmings. Otherwise there wouldn't be JUST ONE eBay, ONE Amazon, ONE KZbin, ONE... However, that also means that very few people can be as successful THERE as some are. Stop struggling. Start breathing, enjoy life, start thinking deeply and you will find ways that didn't even exist before. 3. Do what you love and what is important to you, WITHOUT ANY expectations, but with joy. 4. Are you sure you know what kind of work and money machine is behind these successful girls? 5. UNFORTUNATELY there are often good (bad) reasons why you don't develop enough self-confidence as a child. Look closely, in small doses, and if possible, process the past little by little. 6. Attention is the key word here. But I bet you want something other than attention. 7. All things change and are in flux. Sometimes we need change to understand ourselves better. Maybe this can be done without you judging yourself negatively? 8. Ideas arise in an empty space, not one full of negative thoughts. 9. “I need more” sounds a lot like an addiction. The reason lies elsewhere. 10. Slow down your pace. Good things are measured by their quality and not their quantity. 11. Do you want to be yourself or do you want to be what other people, most of whom you will never meet, want to see in you? 12. Do you think money will make you happier? I'm not talking about the ability to afford everything that just has to stand around most of the time because there are 24 hours in a day. 13. To whom are your attempts to prove that you are good enough directed? I love your honesty and your authenticity. This is something that many people often do NOT have. They tell people what they want. Love this quality of yours.

[@moinmaster6438]

I agree so much, especially with point 5. There are reasons for why we turned out the way we did, for why we feel like we do. Realizing this for myself has completely changed my view of myself. Hope you have a great day : )

[@Waldemar_la_Tendresse]

@@moinmaster6438 Yes, but that shouldn't mean that the journey to seek the knowledge and answers simply ends with the gain of this knowledge. Because then it's just a mere excuse.

[@moinmaster6438]

@@Waldemar_la_Tendresse yep I agree, though I think that we have the responsibility to undo the damage that has been done to us so that we grow and don't hurt other people the way we have been hurt. Everyone has the responsibility to heal to the extend where they don't hurt others the way they have been hurt or because of their past.

[@Waldemar_la_Tendresse]

@@moinmaster6438 Almost completely agreed. It also depends on who starts a dispute, sometimes you just have to hit back bluntly. But in general I think the words are quite right.

[@capricoornus]

From what I heard from you in this video, you can combine all those things. 1. You can draw Pokémon for fun or for people which will make your first goal - Pokémon to be real, tangible. 2. You can record yourself while drawing which will make your second goal - fame on social media 3. With enough followers, you will easily sell your art - you will be successful artist 4. With enough money you can buy horse and 3D print him horn - and now you have unicorn All your wishes are attainable, keep goin :)

[@800xl4]

it really is rare to see this level of introspection and honesty on "e-girls" , I feel like you're saying what most girls online would not even realize they're doing and why, it's quite refreshing to see and by being this self aware you're already doing better than lots of people

[@ragecl4120]

I really appreciate your honesty on this subject. I find that too many people care far too much about their social media followings and getting likes from people they dont care about. Even on a small scale. I found myself getting a kick out of people i went to highschool with liking my stories and posts even thought i dont gaf about them at all. I can tell when my friends post things just for the attention as well. I found that deleting all my socials really helped me attain the self actualization that i desired. I only redownloaded them when I found a reason to, which was connecting with new friends that I met at a new gym I started at. Still to this day, I only use instagram in the browser to help me stay off of it. I also delete snapchat regularly and have never been a fan of twitter or tiktok. This isnt a cure all by any means though. I still havent figured out exactly how to give myself the affirmation I need without outside influence. I find that the only thing i can do is doing something and not allowing myself to post it on social media. So that i can know its for myself. Hell, doing something without telling ANYONE except maybe my closest friend. Im hoping this will guide me towards what I really want regardless of anyone elses influence. Maybe it will help you too. Thanks for the vid.

[@thiagofod]

the brain fully develops around 24-25 and many people have this transitional period of their lives around that age, specially people who don't have a stable life, job and relations type of stability

[@4r1777]

There are new studies recently that show that development in many areas of the brain actually continues into your 30s. It's quite interesting to read about.

[@SapkaliAkif]

If you are neurodivergent, the number get fricked up.

[@1TieDye1]

Your brain never truly stops developing.

[@Ripcraze]

@@1TieDye1 exactly, sounds more like an excuse to stop developing yourself.

[@badrandom3rd]

Don't sweat it. I'm 34 and on my 4th career path after having gone back to school at 30. Life is finally starting to come together. The only time I wasn't happy is when I didn't have a goal I was working towards.

[@josepablolunasanchez1283]

Happiness is not a finish line. It is a road you walk. Whatever you do, enjoy doing it. Find a way to enjoy what you do. Self criticism is only good if it helps to improve something, else it is a waste of energy and time that hurts self esteem in a pointless way.

[@ursinewarrior5573]

Idk where I saw this exchange but it went something like this: "What do you do when there's nothing you can do?" "You do what you can." It seems absurd at first, but it isn't. We act on everything in life with expectations, yet those rarely get sattisfied. | Still, it's better to act than to never have acted at all.

[@skillato9000]

The boondocks

[@ursinewarrior5573]

@@skillato9000 Thanks for reminding me. I should rewatch the show.

[@RaveOnYoga]

when you say you miss feeling passionate about something, I think pursuing your art career can make you feel it. Just trust it and give it the respect and time becoming an artist takes. You gotta trust art will make you feel fulfilled. You are young, time pays when you care. Love.

[@SapkaliAkif]

As a neurodivergent whose identity held onto being different from others because I was excluded. I feel ya. The internet became my culture.

[@kevincubillas6093]

You're not late at all, I was in your situation but a little different, I never have like aspirations or something to achieve, and I wasted my early 20's doing nothing, with no hope for the future so why even try, spend all my money on alcohol and stupid things, and the internet had a big infuence in my mind too, I was expecting everything was gonna get fixed magically, but when I turned 24 something shifted like you said, Idk what was but I feel the need to just focus, not for a great goal but just to start doing things and take care of myself, and I feel better than ever, I deleted all social media, got a simple job, make a little exercise, start to play games, read books, go to the teather, to the park, etc. and maybe life is not fixed jet (still struggling for money and socialization) but at least you can start to just feel well with yourself, but that is the thing, you have to start to make litte changes. I really wish you the best :) remember the real life is not in social media, really is not.

[@aaabatteries9948]

big loss for the e-girl community,

[@azca.]

When the frontal lobe fully develops:

[@doomithslayer2456]

Ahh, Epictetus once said, "Its not things that hurt you, its your judgement about things". Choose not to be harmed and you haven't been. I find a lot of comfort knowing that your initial thoughts about a "situation" are likely the result of the conditioning in your life, from parents, friends, and evidently a lot of social media in your situation. Consider if the goals in your life are set by others, or if they truly stem from yourself. I wish you and everyone else reading this the absolute best in life.

[@damnice]

One of the largest problems with modern tech society is instant gratification vs. delayed gratification. What brings you joy RIGHT NOW might make you miserable later & what makes you miserable right now might make you ecstatic later. Some examples: drugs & parties feel good right now, but after doing that for 4-5 years you end up miserable; going to college/trade school is hard right now but after 4-5 years could make you extremely happy with your occupation; Doing OF content might make you happy right now with money & attention but miserable down the road when you have no husband/kids; Getting married & making a family is hard at the start but 20-30 years later when you become grandparent & have big holidays with all your family around you'll never feel more proud & loved as their matriarch. Choose wisely while you're young with your gratification strategies & your regrets when older will be diminished.

[@alexhudsonn]

I found this so inspiring as someone who wanted to be a video game concept artist as well and at 26 am still discovering myself

[@InkMetalNick]

When I turned 28 I realised I wanted to be a singer (I'm 30 now). I started praticing for real about 9 months ago and I'm getting there. I have always felt behind in life and a failure because I compared myself to my friends/other people and I just went around in circles. But then I stopped comparing, started worked on myself, went to therapy and truely tried to find the real me and what I really wanted to do. Remember, it's NEVER to late to change direction in life and try new things or pick up something you worked on before. I rather turn 35 and be a great singer than turn 35 and not be. Thank you for sharing you thoughts, and I wish you the best of luck! 😊

[@ThomasTaylor-ry5qs]

I’ve never written a comment before, so here goes. I really resonated with this video. I SOO relate to feeling like I’m only being what somebody else wants of me. I’m 21 now, and I feel like I really only started discovering myself in the last 2 years or so. I don’t really remember much from my childhood and teenage years because I was a shut in. I guess I just want to say that if you feel this way you’re not alone. Amazing video, you’ve earned a sub! Anyway, if you’re reading this, I hope you have a wonderful day!

[@rexheavens1889]

YOU REMIND ME SO MUCH OF A PERSON I USED TO DATE crazy

[@olteanudavid-eduard7256]

I don't know your name, but Haropones, i've met people that have changed their careers to their dream career at 50 years old, it is never to late. As long as you keep pushing when you are feeling down, even then, get in 30 minutes of something you always want, don't overdo it, but be consistent. You got it, ill follow you to see your art, i hope you post more there. Life is not about a destination, its about your journey, enjoy the scenery, we don't have to be millionaires. We need to find some purpose and do what we like even if we do it for free. Count your blessings , enjoy the view. The past is not there to dwell on, when you drive your car you don't drive looking at the sideview mirrors, they are there just to glance on.

[@anaccount8474]

Almost nobody's life turns out the way they imagined. It's always been that way, long before the internet.

[@rafaelmoisesbezerradasilva7271]

The world is "sick of beauty". Everyone thinks beauty is equal deserve incredible things in life, but there are too many beauty people in the competition for the money, and people are realizing that giving money to them is futile

[@TenPathsTarot]

I went through something similar when I was just a little older than you, except I let it go a little too long and totally crashed. What lifted me out of the overwhelming frustration and depression was reading a book called The Feeling Good Handbook, by Dr. David Burns. It's still in print and it is often recommended by therapists. Some of the book may not be pertinent--there is a lengthy section on commonly prescribed drugs. But the sections on self-talk and interpersonal communication changed my life dramatically, almost overnight.

[@stahlkarsten9016]

Feeling miserable about past mistakes and wrong steps. Understandable. Reflecting on your life and seeing your future path shrink. Relatable. Telling 50.000 people, which you mostly dont know at all, that you feel like you failed yourself over and over again. Inspiring. You said you wanted to prove yourself with these social media shenanigans but I think thats all just proof that you are alive. Failing is the same as succeeding, in the way that the act of trying says : "I wanted this!" I think you condemn your past self too harshly, when she was just trying to figure out a way for you to live. :) And I dont know why I feel the need to type this down, but something in my soul stirred when i watched this video. Its beautiful to see how you can smile while talking about your life not going the way you wanted it to be. Its truly inspiring. You seem to be going the right direction, forward, whereever that may take you. So stand proud! The breeze of change might pick up and there might be a storm ahead, but fear not, For when the wind is rising, We must try to live!

[@Sensorium19]

It's going to be tough for you because you care about other people's opinions and validation. Also because you are an attractive woman people will not be real with you most of the time for a lot of reasons. You seem very capable of introspection and you have a relatively high verbal acuity. Listening to you talk feels good because of that and the quality of your voice. I know you don't want to say anything bad about pursuing online attention, but I think the environment is generally poisonous. Being a professional artist is also very hard and has a lot to do with image and brand management versus just making beautiful things. I don't say that to discourage you in particular. I just see a lot of people who think their life purpose is going to come from a career when for most people, women especially, purpose and meaning tends to come from your personal relationships. I hope things work out for.

[@seanobrien116]

Life is a struggle but it is through those struggles that we find our true self. We are all unique individuals and no one will ever be able to bring what you have to the world. I am one of the many people who remember how the world was before the internet and social media. We are now more connected and yet isolated from one another. I have seen how social media morphed from a revolutionary way for people to connect and share ideas to an addictive and destructive force that is damaging the user. Fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. The real power of social media is connecting with people all over the world and sharing information on our lives and our experiences like you do in your videos. I truly hope you find what you are looking for in life.

[@v-ia]

2:32 - 2:40 jesus christ. i turned 27 this year and experienced the exact same thing. i've spent years ruining my life already so now that i'm 27 i realize it's not my age that's a problem. it's not having fixed what i did wrong in the past. i'm a bottom of the barrel member of society and i have no motivation to change anything about that but my future years are probably gonna be even worse if i don't do anything about it. i don't understand why i do this to myself

[@thatonellamawhoissoobsesse8138]

I don't know what to say, but just know i think you have a cool pfp :> I wish you luck!

[@RobFS1]

"Social-media-pilled" is a great term. I've watched a number of your videos and it has been a very brave presentation of what I think are a lot of inner thoughts people have in the modern day. And something that I don't think people say enough in your comments is the fact that you are gorgeous. Just want to say that. I think I find a lot of peace when I'm out in nature. If ever you find yourself in Idaho, let's hit the trails.

[@traderjo9552]

Honestly I think it's the same for most people, social media isn't real, even if the people look like they're having fun they probably sit in bed at night and go through the same thoughts as you. I just turned 28 and felt the same, but trying to realise that what success has looked like for me has always been about money and not about being fulfilled I realise that's why I always feel disappointed. It's a hard balance because living costs so much, so you want money to make life easier but then the work you do often doesn't make you happy because it's just to pay the bills. Do your best, don't pressure yourself or compare yourself to others. No one expects anything from you and you're doing great, keep on going 🙂

[@Man_of_Oil]

Us Mid-Twenties are having it rough out here for real 😭 so much of this resonated with me. I'm 26 and currently on a personal campaign to "save my twenties" because I'm feeling so much of the same lack of identity & purpose you're feeling here. I wanted to be a songwriter as a kid but went and got a business degree instead. Now I've completely failed to get any career momentum with that, so now I'm trying to go back and develop my musical skills. But it feels like I'm so behind where I want to be with that, it feels silly to think I can activate make anything out of that. Ugh. Seriously, Why can't pokemon be real so I can just be a bug catcher or something.

[@WastePlace]

Social media is… complicated if anything. I learned it wasn’t for me years and years ago and have been much happier and less anxious since I tuned out of the rat race. Taking a break from things really can help you figure out what’s most important to you in your life

[@dcgamer1027]

2:08 I think this has been true for all people for all time, so you know give yourself a break and do your best I guess. It is true that the challenges we all face today are radically different than 1000 years ago, but the challenge of figuring out who you are, what you want to be, and sticking to your convictions has always been hard, if anything the only reason any of that stuff matters is because it's hard. Something I heard a while back that stuck with me is that despair is found in the gap between reality and expectations. To find happiness or contentment you need to either change your reality or change your expectations, and usually it means doing both. What that all means for you, only you will really know. In a way I feel I am the opposite, I am racially independent and have always known who I am, I am me, I am the one who tries to understand, so I appreciate you sharing your perspective about this because it is one I struggle to fully grasp. I think a trap we find ourselves in with social media is the idea that you can do what you want, be yourself, and be punished for it. And equally damaging that you can be rewarded for being someone you aren't. It is easy for people to say "just be yourself and you will find success" because that is what most of the successful people say, but in reality, they just naturally are the type of person who would be successful in that field. There is every possibility that if you be yourself you will fail, which is scary and when it happens it feels like you are doing something wrong and it is even worse because you take such a huge risk to be authentic that it feels even worse. But I still think it is the best strategy because that feeling of failure is what leads to change, either a change in yourself, your tactics, your character, or maybe a change in priorities that frees you from one dream that was always doomed to failure so you can pursue sometime else that will lead to fulfillment and happiness even if it is not what you originally envisioned. Sounds like you are on track to making this discovery too if you haven't already. One thing that always complicates the human condition too is mental health and how good we are at telling stories to ourselves. Maybe it is true that you feel shame about how much you care about engagement, but maybe your brain is just depressed because the weather is bad or you ate some specific bread, and then your clever human mind looks for patterns and reasons for that emotional change. Of course, if it is on a long enough time frame the pattern is more likely to hold true and it sounds like you have done a lot of reflection, still it's worth keeping in mind that sometimes even our own emotions aren't in our control, which sucks lol. Number go up is a great feeling, and that is why I play idle games. Antimatter galaxies has been fun lately, and more importantly, it is not tied to my success or identity, which is nice. Thanks for sharing this transitional moment in your life, I hope you are able to find meaning and fulfillment in some way, try new things and be willing to fail and feel some emotional discomfort along the way. I'll get off my soap box now and keep procrastinating the important work I need to do in my own life by watching more youtube videos o7

[@haropones]

I think you made some GREAT points especially about the advice to "just be yourself", its something i've heard so often but never found very helpful for these kinds of reasons. Thank you for sharing these thoughts!

[@kaisermaschine]

Hey I haven't watched to the end but just wanna say how similar to you I felt at 27. I remember a friend said to me well you made it its the age that apparently a few famous people died. In a way I was disappointed I have a ton of dreams but it never seems to pan out. I realise now I'm much older that the thing that was holding me back was me. I regret just letting life slide along I did go to study a couple of times dropped out but you have to focus on one thing at a time. One dream pursue that collage course or job opportunity to get you in the door. Don't not do something. Don't beat yourself up either there are people a whole lot worse off. Don't defeat yourself but you have to focus and make the step towards that career or something. One thing follows another. Trust me its not too late but don't get to my age and regret not just calling about that job or course. Start something get the ball rolling I'm sure you've got enough ability and people will help you. Dreams can be real manifest them apply a bit of effort that's something I didn't do enough of. Find what you really like ans work towards making a career in that area. Art and fashion.

[@driggertigerclaw]

Comparison is the death of happiness, I just like you thought I had to be successful at a early age and all that’s done has left a void between what my self image is and what a younger version of me wanted my self image to be.

[@deedeewhipple4668]

The negative voices in one's head can be dismissed as echoes of past doubts and pathos. They can't make you do anything just by being there.

[@Irish_Pub]

Don't compare yourself against others. We are all different and on our own paths. You can always make the choices, today, to make your tomorrow better. I just turned 35 and only got my Bachelor's degree this year. You're still young. If I can change my life, so can you.

[@SLPAgaming99]

I am 32 I am from Eastern Europe 80% of jobs are industrial I work 12hour shifts 1x day shift 12h 1x night shift. 2 days break. I am so fucking exhausted that 1 day purely I just rest because If I dont I will get sick. Its too much on me, I question myself every day who do I work for who do I keep pushing on. My parents are dead I am alone. I have no girlfriend because most woman are shallow and small minded and lazy. Be happy you are an e-girl. If you worked a regular job you would fucking quit first day of it. If not first hour. Be grateful for what you have and reap the benefits. There are people that have it way worse then you and have no choice, just to keep working.

[@shadria_]

I quit my job recently.. thought it was what i wanted to do. Had an ex i gave everything to. Im 24 now, and i feel hope because im finally on the cusp of accepting myself entirely. I have struggled to love myself, but we are working on it. Thank you for being a comforting voice haro

[@haropones]

Thank you for sharing your feelings, I believe in you :)

[@shadria_]

@@haropones ditto!

[@emrekulac3207]

Great to hear this kind of self realisation

[@jonyngvesyland5461]

hiya. im gonna be 30 this year so ur painz r feltz or the topic matter is comprehended at least from what little i saw of the video prior to writing this comment. also regarding production or artistry as a whole and general navigation or motor function issues. it's simply very difficult to live without having a group to interface- interact with and challenge at times. without that, there isn't much happening in life. socializing is most of what we have. social media was born out of a desire to connect with more- and to connect more people together so more life could be had... and made. it wasn't meant to be lonely and it wasn't meant to be sad. the internet became as hysteric and horrible as people were- or rather, how they felt. and there's a cultivation process we all go through and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. i like listening to u because u feel remotely relatable because apparently there's a personality convergence that happens over time as we mature. i kinda stopped believing whatever i believed about reason. reason happens in the moment. it's moment to moment experiments. it's short. short sequences are all we seem to be able to capture. our lives are short, relativistically speaking. none of what i write feels like it's hitting the marks it should. i would've liked to be in academia or simply study more myself. but that too is quite difficult and energy has been dwindling slowly or rapidly for some years and i haven't been aware of it and i guess we're all looking for meaning where-as it's mainly what we create, but simultaneously it's found, so i don't really know what to mark it as nor could i describe it. the difference in communication markers makes everything more difficult than it has to be. add to that the lack of accurate modeling- which i guess is the same- but i haven't tested it mathematically and really i don't know how to do that. it's weird to see that u felt it necessary to mark for viewers to please see humour in the title you used, but i may have felt a little aggressive, and maybe that really only means I'm about to do something. it's difficult or hard to see self from outside and inside, especially at the same time. i don't think it can be done- it has to be done in a sequence. and even if i see it- that doesn't change my operation because my operation is more or less hardcoded and only changing me at the core- such as my genes would change me. and i don't know anything about genes other than the standard markings of ATCG which are used to differentiate between some of them and there isn't more that came to mind. unlike you, i didn't have any idea of what life was at 9 years old. i didn't think it would be one or two. i was airheaded or empty, entirely reactionary, and i believe i still am to this day and that all that happens in me is a pinball type of happening but with multiple balls and that's what i feel or believe i'm limited to. so yah idk. meow. we all decided cats were the prime or top lifeform in the early 21st century. and that's what must be maintained. you can guess what happens next...

[@ALemonCannon2]

The best thing I ever did was give up on the dream. Sounds sad but it's the truth. My dream for a long time was to become a professional gamer or video game content creator/streamer. After some amount of trying I realized the chances success are so tiny it's not worth pursuing. I then decided I would become successful the traditional way by going to college and picking a marketable degree that would lead to a good career. It is much better to pursue something that has a reasonable/good chance of success as opposed to endlessly pining for a career that 0.00000000001% of people break into.

[@NaturallySelected]

Interesting , I enjoyed listening to you talk.

[@ronaldorivera4674]

It seems like what you really need is one real friend to confide in, to talk to about things you feel are important in your life. Someone to encourage you and remind you that you don't have to find value in yourself through the eyes of other's, value doesn't come from the external world, its comes from within. I pray that things become clear to you and that God opens your heart and illuminates your mind and shows you that as long as God is your reference point your life will always be meaningful and will always have purpose.

[@hogwrangler3283]

welcome to the family, kid💪

[@giantbear829]

The majority of us do not know what we really want to be what we really want to do for most of our lives. The reality is to learn how to live within the unknown space. The reality is to learn to live within the lack of knowledge of oneself, whilst discovering oneself at the same time. Never measure yourself or your own worth with rulers not of your own making. You have plenty of time to find your true purpose and pursue it with all your heart.

[@SA2004YG]

Hey just keep in mind that life is about phases (unless you stagnate). Being an egirl was a phase and so is whatever youre currently going through, there will be another phase after that as well. Life is ever changing, our environment and culture are ever changing and thats why we also have to be ever changing. Theres no final destination of being your "authentic self" because our selves constantly change, we just need to be in tune with ourselves and what were currently experiencing

[@KD-vg2yn]

This is very real. Why are you going to school for art though? Im your age and had similar experiences as you. If you have heard of the mountain goats, I’m accidentally taking the same path as him. I’m one year out from graduating as a nurse, and plan to pursue music and art on the side since you only work 3 days and make decent money. Working in healthcare has only solidified how absolutely important art is to me, and not just like the sense of how pretty a painting is, but the actual meaning behind human expression and how it can help one cope with this existence.

[@drill_don684]

damn I feel sorry for yall when I was young I knew I was not going to be a millionaire I honestly thought I was going to be homeless now that I have decent job and vague plans for future life is pretty good

[@6sixFace]

Every girl's pretty when she's real with herself.

[@Adam-l3f4f]

Yeah not all of us chase our dreams and get there. Fortunately I was the only 9 year old that put his hand up and said he wanted to be hunted by a mob of deranged crack heads in some sort of out hunger games environment So yeah I'm quite accomplished there's no point shoving that in your face is there, be humble yes

[@FightFanFish]

Dont give up on yourself. Stay true to yourself and enjoy what you want to enjoy. Follow what you love and dont be afraid to

[@GoldenCobraa]

Post what you want. You could even dissapear for years, I wouldn't mind one bit. I do love the awkward style of comedy you found. There was gold there, though I'm sorry it was part of a low point for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[@improvizor]

Yeah, social media is your and my generation's worst enemy. Anyway, if you're not in debt at 27 you're already way ahead of most people your age. You're far from failure. And you're back in school with newfound wisdom that most people never even acquire, because most people who are so sure of themselves at that age are either suffering from Dunning-Krueger syndrome or they're faking it. I just love your sincerity. It takes more self-confidence than you're probably aware of. I could never make a video like this, and trust me, I'd have a lot to say.

[@nakitai-wj1ki]

we are not defined by our profession. i would suggest some reading of the works of karl marx after you're done with your books from the previous video. it will help contextualize professions and identity.

[@1TieDye1]

Great vid, thank you for sharing

[@jesseredwards]

You have a good voice. Maybe you should consider reading audiobooks. Or maybe even an ASMR channel.

[@Eugene-X.Periman]

What's up with the game design? Do you even like to play games? I dreamt about making games when I was a kid, but gave up on it. Right now I'm slowly turning back to it.

[@parccarp8614]

Holy shit everything in this video is so "ME FUCKING TOO." Except I'm a few years older and instead of being an e-girl it was being a rockstar. And I never even got even the minor taste of success on my path that you've had on yours. I think (and this is such a "do as I say not as a I do" because I'm still trying to figure this out as fuck) the only way away from these feelings is to actually try and make the moments of your life meaningful as pure moments in and of themselves - in the absence of any kind of quantifying "result" that you get out of the way you spent that time. Good luck.

[@user-dr2qt5gt6y]

incredibly hilarious

[@xPancakes4lyf]

I admire your bravery for being honest about your struggles. im almost 29 and rediscovering myself. sounds like you're on the right path! keep up all the hard work no one gets to see! 🦾

[@MrUzminiNu]

no woman is too old for onlyfans 😂😂😂

[@victorm919]

You are very intelligent person that's for sure. I hope you won't feel any pressure to expose your doubts and insecurities just because those videos became much more popular than your other content on this channel due to some YT algorithm magic. I mean if that's helping you then obviously go for it, just not in a way you shared about that viral joke fame.

[@volfskihagenn8206]

Proud of you, chase what you want.

[@ArmageddonAfterparty]

Never too late for a pet unicorn tbh.

[@nuxbot919]

As a 7feet 300 pounds male i don't want to be an e girl anymore

[@CristopherCza]

im just imagining some giant that cross dresses in a huge house with huge props to make them seem relatively girl size despite being top 0.1% of all humans for height and overall size

[@facilegoose9347]

As a Giga Stacy dwarf, I find this highly relatable.

[@AltairCreedZ]

As a 5'8 150 pounds male I think I WANT to be an e-girl now.

[@mysticfzlls9901]

ur 2 feet short from reaching wreck it ralphs level /// i believe u can surpass him gl!

[@YOSHICITY2001]

is your name Evan

[@isiddiqui5162]

Brain rot is the most accurate term Gen Z came up with

[@SlimDargo]

i struggle with basically everything you mention in this video. Brought this up to my therapist a few weeks ago, and when discussing "careers that make you happy" we concluded that maybe the job itself doesn't have to make you happy, but the values attached to it do. For example, maybe you don't care much about your job, but you care about stability so you can have a job at a public administration. Or maybe you care about working only in the mornings. You need to list a set of values you want in your life and try to find a job that will allow you those values. Not really trying new jobs and hoping for one of them to click somehow.

[@haropones]

That's such a good way of thinking about it

[@vitordelima]

I never did until I was forced into "something". Also I half-ass that "something" all the time and I don't care that much about the audience (since I don't get paid) so most of the stress comes from the backlash from it rather than the "something" itself.

[@Daturadatura]

​@haropones yes - the advice above is key. You need to find your values and stick hard to them. Find a job, any job they matches those values and where you work with yourself with your passion, or with a team you like to work with. I work as a LSA in a school now, after previously doing in home end of life care work. I love these jobs, even with lower pay, as they mean something to me and there is purpose to them. Purpose and authenticity is everything.

[@gnhatch]

"i thought i was gunna be a millionaire while doing absolutely nothing" same, same sometimes i still think i will and i have to tell myself no

[@haropones]

Why do we do this lol!!

[@bobjones2187]

It’s because that actually does work for a very small percentage of people and our generation grew up watching people our age get rich and famous for doing practically nothing.

[@saberxzero]

Were made to believe money=happy. Buddhist show and teach us the very opposite, for free so take as yoy wull

[@selfslain3520]

​@@saberxzeroi hate generalized statements like this. Tell me how happy people are when they dont have a home or are starving? Been there done that, fuck being broke and homeless that shit is the most miserable experience having to have no place to sleep and no food to eat. All this hippy shit completely ignores basic necessities, not everyone wants to be a starving bag of bones bhuddist monk. Look how unhealthy some of them look. Literal walking skeletons some of them.

[@ShivamShukla-66]

I don't even know what the hell is even e girl

[@Vungiel]

The final bit, where You said, that sharing the intimate thoughts may help others and is rewarding - that's the most important bit. That feeling after you manage to formulate the emotions, bits of thoughts, impressions into a coherent statement is amazing. It also helps with figuring out yourself - as our minds will create all kinds of fancy-word-labyrinths just to hide from ourselves things that we do not want to see, and naming things for what they are - that breaks those labyrinths, despite sometimes sounding ridiculous. So glad to see You grow once more!

[@haropones]

Thank you so much :)

[@thewavvyone.]

Figure out who you really are, then fall in love with her. Always listen to her. Never neglect her to appease others. You are cool in my opinion, but then again I don't know you, I'm just an admirer of the human that your videos showcase you to be. The most important thing however is for you to enjoy yourself. This takes time, you have plenty of time. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Thank you for sharing, always good to hear your voice. Oh yeah and I hope you get that unicorn one day.

[@haropones]

Thank you!

[@oby1794]

the glazing is crazy

[@thewavvyone.]

@@oby1794 The fact that you had nothing positive or constructive to add to this conversation speaks volumes.

[@ashxxiv]

​@@oby1794the minimal glazing is crazy*

[@TheBeldings-j5c]

Good advice ​@@haropones

[@RU81111]

Just finished watching, I felt like I had alot to say while watching the vid, but now that I've finished it I feel at a loss for words. Great vid, immaculate vibes. To anyone reading, I hope your day is good, and if not that it gets better.

[@viacheslavkiselev3125]

Oh, the human condition. It is fascinating and at times challenging. I have no words of advice, I am also still figuring it out. I am also turning 27 this month. I am doing an IT job that some days I really like, some days I feel low as well. I get interested in things, then get bored of them. Find new friends, then we forget each other. Often I am thinking about my life trajectory; on other days I am just enjoying the sunshine and Nutella after a bike ride. What you're going through is normal, and I wish you all the best!

[@eensanom]

this sounds like a great song title *aggressively opens notes*

[@samonemonet]

I like the way you articulate yourself and your honesty. So good

[@haropones]

Thank you!

[@muchosgracias3764]

Followed because of Dystopia stayed because of the introspection. You sound like my inner voice sometimes and im here for it. This is peak "egirl". ❤

[@josepablolunasanchez1283]

No one is a loser. Life is different for everyone. People do not even agree on what success is. Do not pressure yourself, just do your best. World economy does not help many people. Internet is not a great place to get applause.

[@CEOofGameDev]

I love seeing you reasoning about yourself and where you are on your life. Great vid.

[@haropones]

Thank you!