I Feel So Lonely in My Marriage (How Do I Tell Him?)

[@dj5180]

if someone treats you like they don’t care, they don’t

[@madelinem3216]

If you feel you can't have a conversation with your spouse about something as big as loneliness then you for sure do not have a good marriage.

[@lisabanks7742]

100%. It appears they have communication issues-able to talk openly about anything and everything.

[@wil318466]

This is not true, especially when your spouse is doing what they are supposed to do every day, like providing for the family or taking care of the kids. It happens all the time.

[@KoharuUchihaK]

@@wil318466how is that not true

[@Yaz003]

I think this wonderful woman wants her husband to show up at HER doorstep and tell her HE’S madly in love with her. (The other way around Dr. John.) women get tired of planning everyone’s life. (When your married.) ❤ HUSBAND she wants you to chase. She wants to feel wanted, loved and yes, in 1st place. I hope she speaks up and it works out!

[@gordocarbo]

She should be secure enough in herself to be alone by now. Got to have life outside of your spouse. If his work is paying the bills then so be it.

[@LetsGoYall]

I am a lineman in Detroit as well.....Have been for 20 years!.....There is ZERO reason to work on the road! Work is and always has been plentiful!.......It always comes down to greed in these trade jobs......People make 4X their base pay in OT, live WAY beyond their means. Sell their soul for all the money they can make, ruining families in the process.....I see it all the time....Its pretty sad

[@spicybrown75]

I am almost thinking he's got a family in every city he works in. Lol.

[@TroyP20]

@@spicybrown75naw too expensive to have more kids just having fun and passing thru

[@coachclaudiawith_hope]

Sounds like they were never really married. They were always living separate lives.

[@truthreigns3465]

Sounds like you women are not always honest and John is a simp that talks to other men’s wives without the husband knowing. Evil

[@aliceg.199]

He's avoiding her and has done so for years. Even after retirement, the husband will find another reason to not be around her. He has had it good ... living the single life and touching base with family on the weekends. Now that the kids are gone, no need to touch base ... just work the farm. Please have the conversation to set yourself (and him) free. That freedom may be in an improved marriage or parting ways. Just stop pretending. You deserve so much better!

[@darcycolborne2565]

May I offer an alternative? It's likely he has almost ZERO idea there's a problem. If they started off agreeing, "Hey, I'll stay home, look after the kids; you travel and support us and we'll make the farm work when we can," and there's been no other plan implemented since then, he could well think they're mostly fine. They enjoy each other's company on the weekends, he sucks it up and travels doing a hard job during the week, and they'll enjoy themselves when he retires. There's every chance he has no idea she's redlining. And, to be fair, she's decided the arrangement ought to change now that the kids are gone and she hasn't had that talk with him. This dude is going to get blindsided.

[@mamasaige4310]

Hes using his retirement as an excuse. Hes not going to lose the retirement because he leaves the job. He's a lineman. They're part of the IBEW. He will have a union retirement plan with NEAP. As long as his dues stay active, even as a "nonwork" card, he will have a good retirement. This is no excuse. I would absolutely show up, unannounced, at his hotel one day to have this conversation. It'll show you a LOT!!! -From one Line wife to another- My hubs did 2 travel jobs before pulling the plug and staying local. The money isnt worth the toll it puts on a marriage. And he watched all the other guys pick up women at each stop. Even the married ones. Meanwhile mine called me as soon as they got off the job and fell asleep talking to me hours later EVERY night. He refused to even allow me to think anything was happening.

[@marinal2705]

You gotta good man❤

[@larissabrewington9065]

...man...15 years apart like that. Does he know his kids? I'm not sure they've actually been married... This is tough.

[@PHlophe]

Lari, its giving 1950s marriage. this was very common back then.

[@TroyP20]

I’m a truck driver I gave 5 years to over the road trucking drive and decided to leave that because I wanted my kids to know me and have a relationship with me

[@naomirachel9161]

@@PHlophefor men to be gone for 90% of the time? Overnight and all? Please, what evidence do you have to support that.

[@dnorris4733]

I was in a marriage like this. He was an alcoholic, and he eventually left. Its been 33 years now and the first few years post divorce were hard, but now I am sooo much happier. Id rather be alone than feeling lonely in a relationship. Before we divorced, I wisely had a few close women friends who understood what I was going through.

[@talyahr3302]

I don't think this is the same as an alcoholic. A workoholic for sure. A lot of men (and women) are.

[@meganod279]

Well you're comparing quite different situations. This guy works all the time and he is thinking about money more than his wife. Alcoholism is a pure addiction from which not many can escape.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Workaholic can be an Emotional addiction, just as hard to break... It is socially acceptable, so harder to break in some ways... Never the less, it is an avoidance of dealing with feelings, situation s... It can still be a crutch

[@distorbia20]

Her husband is also not happy. He missed out so much with his kids and wife. He is working hard to escape this marriage and life. This isn’t a life. Working himself to the ground and seems like no one appreciates his efforts. Kids need time not money

[@talyahr3302]

Kids need both. Time more though

[@blueravenchick]

Seems like he chooses to be gone..... and the wife said she would move to where he works but he said no. He has a girlfriend where he works.

[@karaa7595]

​@@blueravenchick💯

[@johna5484]

My dad left. No time and no money. Looking back we needed the money. Him with no money wouldn’t have put food on the table.

[@monikaw1369]

Exactly what i thought about him being gone 5 days a week. He is spending his time somewhere.

[@oncetwice5942]

Either that or he just plain doesn’t like her. It’s not necessarily about cheating. He probably just doesn’t want to be around her.

[@semosancus5506]

He's a lineman. They work hard and long hours. Not too much time for anything else.

[@blueravenchick]

@@oncetwice5942 yeah, men are gonna be having sex with someone. And why is everything a woman's fault? He can divorce her too. Men are NEVER honest and just tell the truth about how they feel. They rather drag women along for years.

[@crazeekids9744]

She offered to quit her job and moved and he wasn’t all for it??? Yeah, he likes the current situation just the way it is.

[@Nature-ep5cu]

He likes getting away from her maybe.

[@Dream7773]

Double life?

[@darcycolborne2565]

If we take it at face value, it's likely because it would mean selling or abandoning his family's farm, which has been with them for generations. He likely wants to keep that as his home base, but the nature of his work is travel. Good linemen make BANK, so I can see how it would be tough to give that up.

[@blueravenchick]

@@Nature-ep5cu you mean he has a girlfriend.

[@flyandshy00]

Of course. He must have soemone. He doesn't spend a day with his wife for 15 years!@@blueravenchick

[@AverageAufa]

My husband works 9am-10pm (previously 9am-12am), 7 days a week. So many times I’ve been begging him to please either go to work a little earlier or come home earlier. He’s married to his job (his own business). I’ve brought up divorce a couple of times 😔

[@90charim]

Single & married.

[@amydoran9987]

Being in a fifteen year marriage where there’s no relationship, is not really a marriage. I think she knew that when she called in for advice.She seems uncomfortable with having a conversation about ending her marriage, which is understandable.

[@ireefree2024]

I think if they would live for 7 days under one roof that they will be divorced within of 3 months. It's so sad. He maybe just wanted to provide for his family and he doesn't get it... I'm so glad to be with my husband every day ❤

[@darcycolborne2565]

Agree 100%.

[@daCubanaqt]

Yeah, but they lived together for 10 years before that seemingly fine. Maybe he started traveling and really liked it.

[@araineacutebrownnurse7315]

At what point is a marriage just papers … also , at what point is a married woman a single mother asking for a friend 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@Foxie635]

This is me. Hubby filed for divorce when I turned 52 after living apart in the same house.

[@90charim]

Scared of failing marriage? It’s been done..it’s been stale and stagnant. No growth no development no intimacy no connection!! By avoiding what needs to be done by faking and getting by is the ultimate way to your marriage failure.

[@madalynmull1681]

My parents had this. Except to everyone else (even us kids who lived in the house) they had a perfect loving fulfilling marriage. Apparently there was nothing between them. It was messy. They divorced within a year after the first kid left.

[@DarcyCarmen]

She might be in for a rude awakening. If her wish comes true, and they start living together seven days a week, she may find that she resents him even more. They may have grown so far apart that the cracks aren’t patchable.

[@Hatbox948]

Ditto. My ex stayed gone OTR Monday through Friday. I loved it. Once he retired and was home 24-7 it was over.

[@fh1980ram]

It doesn't seem like this guy is very invested in the relationship. My guess is that he'll walk away if she gives him that option.

[@michellesimmons3150]

It wont be different, it will be worse. You wont even know how to be around or with each other. My husband just retired after 30 years of active duty military service….I dont even know him. I’m 50 years old and I am alone in my marriage. He would rather play video games in his office all day….and rarely speak than to do things together. It does not get better….it gets more lonely and you’ve wasted your life waiting for someone who does not exist outside your expectations.

[@PHlophe]

Michelle i think its the reason why the whole man should be the provider is to be taken with a grain of salt because real life is more complicated than that. You are only 50 and its a good thing you can articulate what isn't ok at this stage of your life. If you'd been 65 mentally it would have been more challenging i suppose. because its different life choices . When i congratulated my Gran for her 60 year marriage . she gave me a long stare and said "Oh you don't know what i've done been thru". I was like "I'll make us chamomile tea , and get some danish biscuits" . I gave her a pillow so she can rest her hands. When she started speaking only in German i knew the T would be piping hot.

[@DrJaredNelson]

Time to dig in deep and have the hard conversation. Hopefully, they both will grow from this.

[@overworked123]

Oh, you are so right. You gotta bring the meeting to order. Don't wait until you start having feelings for someone else because they are scratching an itch that you never realized itched so badly. Be all in! Great risk can give great reward.

[@Piccolo_Re]

This sounds like my neighbor. Only is reverse. The wife is always gone and working OT traveling for work. Wife is only there a few days a month. And never spends any time with the kids. People confuse the heck out of me. Some people just put work and money way above their family. Sad.

[@alluringbliss4165]

I think some people want security so much that they believe as long as they provide, it’s ok.

[@proudatheist2042]

​@@Jon-tt9bfthe OP is merely reporting an observation. The OP didn't say anything about crossing into the family and transgressing boundaries.

[@daCubanaqt]

Honestly, some people just shouldn’t get married and have kids. A lot of people follow the status quo then feel trapped and escape through work, hobbies, etc.

[@candicejohnson44]

She doesn't know how to talk to her husband about this because she hasn't had to talk to him much because he is always gone.

[@cg741graf5]

This is so common in the trades- saying you're a single parent 80% of the time is so true. Take a trip for 4 days to Cabo and go in on the all-inclusive during the month of November (Black Friday Sales coming up). It's investing in your marriage and your future. Dr. D is right- He is playing single life but being married. I know 5 women in their 50's that have filed in the last year and are done waiting to be the 1st and only. All have kids now out of college so they were young mama's that now realize they deserve more and are ready to find it.

[@marlene1708]

15 years of only weekend relationships is crazy, I don't know how she did it. Waiting for retirement to start being together? That's wild. Scared of failing but its already failed it seems.

[@tomnohmy1273]

She sounds like a real nice lady, hope she finds happiness either with him redoing life or a new life

[@fauxbro1983]

Lol the man is a blue collar worker working in all weather conditions as a linemen working long hours to provide for his family and this woman bitching

[@juicysmith38235]

​@@dabd8175judgemental fools 😂🤣

[@shachede6828]

I hope so too

[@lisabanks7742]

For 15 years, gone from Monday-Friday. I feel he has a side chic somewhere. No way in hell he just works and be faithful. We human we all have needs. Ladies, let’s think like a man.

[@Dream7773]

I concur

[@Dream7773]

She loves him and is afraid to think of that

[@Couchbitato]

💯 he’s had at least 1 side chick.

[@pimaggot]

Oh for sure. No way he isn't getting needs met elsewhere

[@ts8024]

He could have a whole other family where he's actually more of a husband and father since he's there 5 days per week.

[@lizwiens671]

He’s just avoiding her. Retirement is going to be two strangers in the same house avoiding each other

[@melanieb2132]

What does he do in his off hours? Work out? Hang out at the bar? Eating out every night? Honestly sounds miserable for him unless he has a side piece and other home he hangs out at.. I just dont understand it otherwise.

[@steelcity4581]

He’s a lineman, long hours of hard physical work he’s probably just happy to sit and rest his body during his off hours

[@blueravenchick]

@@steelcity4581 men are rarely too tired for sex lol

[@90charim]

My husband could never! What’s the point of being married to settle for the weekend

[@kimberlysmith7625]

This is an age-old conundrum. The buffer zone...children...grow up and move away. Now what? Married 41 years. We've found things to talk about and new interests both separately and together. This new chapter in our lives is exciting....because we choose it to be. Life awaits you. Now, go and get it. It's up to you.

[@rory644]

I live in Perth Australia where there is a huge fifo industry with mining, fly in fly out different rosters 8/6 2 weeks on 1 week off etc and the biggest issue is divorce. You can’t have a successful relationship marriage when one partner is gone 50-60-70% of the time

[@jennifermaskiell6788]

My husband does 14 on 7 off. We have 5 young kids. It's tough but it's better for us to have 7 days off instead of 2 days a week.

[@Kristen-ek9rz]

Heath Ledger.......that's who I think about when I see Perth, Australia......sorry, I got distracted......I loved that guy!

[@Ohkay5613]

Husband made every choice he could to avoid his family.

[@captainman2clever351]

He doesn't want her. If he did, he would

[@itme7297]

He might be an avoidant attached style, which means this arrangement works for him, thats the only reason this has happened for as long as it has.

[@talyahr3302]

She's been telling him for 15 years that this way of living is fine. Tell him you miss him and its lonely without the kids. If he doesnt at least put an EFFORT on the weekends to make you feel better then its not going to get better and she has to decide to stay or not. Luckily the bar is real low for him since hes gone 5 out 7 days. So on Saturday just going to a couples maasage and out to lunch will feel like a premium getaway. If he cant even make an effort, then hes been done.

[@luckeytexans7287]

This is my story100%. I'm stuck with making a decision. I've voiced myself to my husband....he'd rather chase the money for our retirement. I'm angry and resentful, lonely, and my life is put on hold while I wait for him. It's not an easy decision to make. If you travel with him, be sure it's comfortable and you're not living in some crappy motel moving from place to place. You will HATE it when he's gone all day working and you are stuck in an unsafe, unkept environment. Ask yourself if this is what you want. I've become tired of the travelling. Also, something else to think about. The home you own together becomes neglected, and your mail needs to be addressed. If you can find someone to stay in your house while you are on the road, somehow send your mail to you, you'll have to pay the bills on the road. It's these little things that make it a royal pain. My husband leaves for a 6 week job. I have drawn the line, he knows. Good luck to you, I hope you can work it out and stay together.

[@SaystheTruth3]

If you're not happy, Why do you stay with him?

[@luckeytexans7287]

@@SaystheTruth3 because we’ve known each other since we were 14. I know I deserve better. Will see.

[@unknowncomment85]

ya.. leave him and don't take his money.. so he can find a woman who values what he brings to the family..

[@luckeytexans7287]

@@unknowncomment85 They'll get tired too, trust me.

[@limiwa]

​@@unknowncomment85Most women will not want to be in a marriage where their husband is gone 80-90% of the time (unless they don't actually love that person), because that's not a marriage. Financial needs are not the only needs to be met.

[@surewave8202]

Mr Deloney, you are good. You gave perspective to their marriage and putting it in a high priority and that was better than solving all of their problems for them.

[@9118Ray]

They're both single and married.

[@territ1231]

Waiting for something to happen will end with nothing happening!

[@MohawkFlippinMike]

He points out well that he probably has no clue that she is thinking of divorce, so true men working hard to provide won’t catch that unless she DIRECTLY tells him like John said

[@AmandaErrrrr]

Communication wont get better on its own. You are right lady. Its gonna take both of you, and its gonna take both of you actually wanting it to work, and putting IN the work to make it. You two are so far apart and you're wasting your years on hoping that in 7 more years things will be different. You're both strangers right now. Whats gonna be different then if you cant make the changes now? It doesnt sound like either of you are all the way in tbh.

[@daCubanaqt]

Exactly! Why does she think retirement will automatically solve everything? That is very delusional.

[@Suzette-gb7uj]

She’s probably afraid that her husband will choose his career, and the farm, over her.

[@cecilliachi]

The incredible Iyanla Vanzant once said “If you don’t have a strong no, you will have a weak yes.” Maybe this situation is giving you the option to choose yourself first ❤. Trust you have the power to choose the option your gut is trying to call your attention to.

[@PHlophe]

Cecile, she is a case for Iyanla. Iyanla would have ripped that bandaid open immediately after the first polite greeting.

[@snsn7251]

No matter what my husband is not working away long term. Especially in raising children. U look up and don't know who's standing next to you.

[@semosancus5506]

She's scared of trading cold comfort for a failed marriage.

[@sourapril]

No John, romantic getaway weekend is not going to do a thing. She needs to find someone else who wants to be with her physically and emotionally, not a guy who just needs a woman to take care of his house/farm/kids/stuff while he is away. This woman has put her needs so far in the back burner that she doesn't even realize she has basic human needs anymore. You are not his wife, you are his employee who he doesn't pay.

[@gbear34]

Whole lot of assumptions in this comment lol

[@rory644]

@@gbear34it’s pretty accurate to me.

[@eos_2366]

⁠​⁠@@gbear34no this commentator gets it. I’m about to leave my job because I’m that guy. These assumptions are actually what will happen when resentment builds up after being away for too long. Can’t wait to come home to my wife though, no job is that important.

[@SaystheTruth3]

In the meantime, he has another wife & kids ! This sh** does happen...

[@Nature-ep5cu]

If so the other family or side chick has more time with him

[@tomnohmy1273]

I thought I knew everything until I started listening to DrJ a 2 or 3 years ago

[@ebonyjohnson965]

I might actually be happy in this kind of marriage. I want to be married and single all at the same time. I love my space.

[@PrinceKima_12]

That was my first thought. Ideal. Being together all the time is poisen.This way she has her own time, friends, work, and fresh good times with him on the weekend. I well relate to what you said, Ebony, and their is nothing wrong with that.

[@PrinceKima_12]

*there*

[@BassBwoy3]

I don't think this is 'the end', especially if they haven't talked much about this. There hasn't been 'textbook' infidelity, just serious lack of communication on both their parts. How did they allow this to happen for so long?! 15 years of this already and they were both cool to do this until he retires, even with the kids out of the house?! If it were me, I would have said, 'Baby, I'm only doing this for 5 years tops and then I'm taking a job closer to home' or 'I'm generally working in this region; maybe we can all move out here?'. That would at least sound like you want to be a part of your family's world and make them part of yours. It doesn't seem like he's that bothered about being away from his family for this long.

[@monikaw1369]

I wonder if he has someone else away and she is the mistress?

[@tamickawilliams1370]

I agree that the majority of men are not going to without, but the women are😮

[@thestorybehindthat5236]

What's concerning to me is that he doesn't seem to long for her and wants to farm on the weekends instead of connecting with his wife. Couldn't he save the farming project for retirement? I get life is busy and demanding and some people need to travel for work for years and there's not always a great alternative available. But the fact he's so indifferent and checked out tells me he's done.

[@HangNguyen-ih8rf]

Ohh she’s done. They both check out long ago.

[@limiwa]

I'm really surprised her husband was never bothered by this job situation, being gone from his family so much, especially his kids (meaning enough to figure something else out long ago). I get you have to make money etc but there are other options when you're willing to put in the effort to make changes. There's no way my husband would do this for most of our marriage (we've been married over 20 years). He gets annoyed when he occasionally has to be home late and misses dinner with us lol.

[@lilianamunoz3003]

I would think it depends on the money.

[@GameChanger597]

Some people are emotionally avoiding, some are having affairs and some just don't care. It could be any one or more of those.

[@Tristum1970]

Not saying he’s been unfaithful….. but I would wager there’s a good chance he has been. Hope I am wrong . I do have a feeling that it’s her that’s unhappy and that he is perfectly fine with the way things are and enjoys his cake and eat it too

[@flyandshy00]

Of course, he ran off after 10 years, she was definitely over 30, that's when stop finding women attractive. So he was out and about for fresh meat. I'm sure he already has a house there and lives with some 20 year old.

[@maryssaann]

This is sometimes my husband too. Works out of the house and I work at home (still WFH from covid) and have our two younger kids with me full time. He’ll be gone all day on Friday most weekends. Saturday and Sunday he will try to find something to do and if he can’t, he spends his time in our bedroom watching tv. Doesn’t really interact with me or the kids. I started feeling resentful and taken advantage of so I mentioned it but all I got was “when I’m here I’m with you guys”. But very disengaged (shut up in the bedroom, on his phone constantly, etc.) I don’t know how to communicate that it would be nice to feel appreciated for the work I put in to our children while also holding down a job, taking care of a 4 year and 18 month old and the lion’s share of household chores while also trying to maintain the few friendships I have, making time for myself and my health and a million other tasks. Any advice would be awesome!

[@Bringon-dw8dx]

To start off have you directly told him exactly this?

[@maryssaann]

@@Bringon-dw8dx yep I sure have. And no fluff to it so there’s no chance to have it misunderstood

[@manoflegacy]

Men do not build a life that takes you away 5 days a week, or requires 70+ hours a week to let her be a SAHM. It is a recipe for disaster.

[@tamerablue5689]

My husband is a traveling electrician, & has been our entire relationship. His schedule varies depending on the contract, but 2 weeks away 1 week home is typical. When he’s away he works 10-12 hr days, 14 days straight. He’s exhausted. He video calls every single day to talk about our days & talk with the kids. I can call him anytime, day or night, & he picks up. When he’s home he’s with us. He generally gets a couple of months/ year at home, too. My husband has never cheated (truly) & he & all his work buddies have no use for any guy that cheats - they know what it takes to keep a marriage & family with this job. It’s difficult but so many of us do it…

[@steelcity4581]

I’m a pipeline welder always working away from home up to halfway across the country, pretty much living on the job sites in the RV. Making 125-150k a year. Very quickly (after about a year of marriage) we made the decision for her to quit her job and live with me in the RV travelling. Marriage has been as good as one can possibly be. Course it helps we don’t have or want kids. Could this couple come to a similar arrangement as that?

[@vale_rawrrrx3593]

This is exactly what I thought, my sister is in a similar situation as yours and I told her “you get to travel the country and work?!” Psf, that’s a dream!!!

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

Yeah, sell the house and get an RV.

[@AmandaErrrrr]

it is wild to me the people in the comments fronting like they would be fine in this same situation "oh 15 years married and hes gone all the time? GUESS U CANT HANDLE THAT" that probably isnt what she signed up for but hey, please continue telling us either how you dont care about your partners either or just straight up have never been in a real relationship.

[@dolphinrose21]

Thanks these shows really help , im not married and i have had relationships like these and was not prioritized . This teaches me alot on choosing good relationships that sustain me where both people work towards each other.

[@blindbrix9427]

If the conversation hasn’t happened, you can’t assume that your partner knows how close you are to walking away. They aren’t mind readers and neither are you. And nobody can help you or counsel you in your relationship until that conversation has been had and communication has been very clear.

[@lisaann9120]

My p worked away for years. He strayed w a stripper. It was a week affair, he came home and has made major changes. Life is real

[@nantinee9]

Good advice from Dr. John. I hope Anne has the hard conversation with her husband and everything works out for the best.

[@lindacornell7881]

You know his plan he going to settle on the farm. He won't want to go anywhere or travel. He will be living his dream He might show interest in you some day but by then it will be too late. If you stay don't wait for the for him find things to do that make you happy

[@elainebmack]

What makes her think that retirement will be the magic come-together bullet for this marriage? He will probably find something else to do that will most likely keep him away from home for an equal amount of time or longer. She will either get another "fulfilling" job and wait until whatever happens next.

[@lyndaslocs]

This is deliberate behavior. He sounds like a narcissist who has discarded you.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

It’s easier to live a lie than to face the truth.

[@elainenilsson5472]

That is conditioned. I'm sure she wasn't living the lie at first.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

@@elainenilsson5472 no one knew how their lives were going to look. I don’t think this was the plan.

[@elainenilsson5472]

Absolutely. No one ever does. I certainly didn't or else I wouldn't have signed up for it. Gray divorce is criminal. He used her for the best working years of her life and then this. She is fearful of leaving for a good reason. @@rebeccaoprea9917

[@aaronmacgregor4910]

I was going to write the exact same thing

[@leegalloway9508]

One of you could be gone before seven years and if you keep going like you are you're not gonna have a marriage to spend your retirement in. Women have to conform to the husband , the husband doesn't conform to the wife. there comes a time though, when the man has to compromise what he's doing for the marriage to succeed . i was you, same situation and became so resentful that i almost gave up. but then i changed my attitude and started enjoying the time we did get to spend together instead of resenting the time we didn't get to, and things changed. my husband passed away last year and i'm so glad that we did have that time together. he probably doesn't realize there is a problem like most men. he's just living his life and maybe has forgotten that you're in it also. he needs to come off the road, and farm and you two need to get a job together , which could be the farm, or a hobby doing something you both enjoy together before it's too late. I would ask him if he still wanted to be married to me when he does retire. if he says yes, then you need to say well this is what is gonna have to happen for that to take place.

[@aaronmacgregor4910]

She hasn't had the conversation because she doesn't want to face the possible truth that she is the weekend wife and he has a family elsewhere.

[@stacyh1223]

I've lived a similar life with my incredible husband. I wish I could speak with her. The Dr's advice and most of these comments $uck. Some men are absolutely fiercly driven to work. My best advice is to quit your job and travel with him when he works, this may mean downsizing your lifestyle. I know giving up his retirement may not be feasible. Listen to your heart and make BIG decisions to save this if that's what you want. Definitely start communicating NOW!

[@tracysprenger8622]

Great point they were never really a married couple.

[@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86]

Every woman wants a man with money but not a man that works. Its tough sometimes being a man.

[@scorpification]

There needs to be balance. For everyone. Would you want a wife who is gone 90% of your life? Money is nice to have but you can have it without being completely absent. Women are not wanting your money as much as you think. She has a job too. She has her own money. She loves her husband and wants to be with him. Why is that so terrible for women to want to actually spend quality time with their husbands?

[@ChristianOne]

Good advice John!!!!! Right on!!!

[@txspacemom765]

I tried this. My son went off to college and I tried keeping the marriage together. I was already carrying that load our whole marriage but I respected his job and I hung onto a lot of promises. I showed up on his doorstep and he shut the door. I found out that my ex hated me, like HATED me, for a very long time. I was home, alone, working to help with any bills, working on my education, doing things by myself. It took me 6 months after my son left for college for me to leave. Go live your life my sister. At this point, you take care of everything for him and those parts are a convenience to him.

[@MaMa-jh6bb]

I think he does have another life with someone else…

[@candyluna2929]

Lady, suck it up. He was maintaining you for all those years.

[@vicp99]

Second family possibly

[@soni05131]

Question is, does he want you to move to be with him? Hopefully I'm wrong and all will work out for both of them. Long term marriages are hard.

[@elainenilsson5472]

She is headed for Gray Divorce and she will be out in the cold. He isn't making her a priority now and he wont then. I waited and guess what. It was the fight from hell.

[@Ren4U2]

Sort of in the same situation. Husband is out of the house ALL the time between his job and going out drinking afterwards. Then, most weekends he’s away at the lake. Kids are 17 and 14 now and feel uncomfortable around him. He blames me. I’ve had the hard conversation with him. We’re basically living apart under the same roof. He moved into the guest room 2 years ago because I brought up his drinking one too many times. I never thought I’d be in a relationship like this and can no way afford a house and bills on my own.

[@bernadetteburd2066]

She is not alone....

[@snOags]

Ill think more about this one..... but intially dont think so flowerly of divorcing him and then all of a sudden youll find all your girlfriends or some new lover who will fill the void. Like some new love of your life will walk in and say let me fit into your life in this corner over here. Either way i hope things work out for the better.

[@hannawatts8368]

Similar story but military spouse. I always joked that I was the little wifey at home and the military was his mistress. I too appreciated greatly his providing for our family.. but when I finally got up the nerve to tell him how lonely I was he left. Four kids. He chose his job. Raising kids alone, married to his job, having a completely other life. Yup. It’s unsustainable.

[@jarelchico]

What keeps you from quitting and showing up and say: I miss you? She says: "What I created for myself". Being Independent (not relying on anyone else) is a step by step guide at how to be alone. That was the plan.. right? You succeeded.

[@crazeekids9744]

She said she would quit her job and move so that they wouldn’t have to be apart and he found 10 excuses for her NOT to do that. Dude is just fine with things the way they are.

[@jarelchico]

@@crazeekids9744 Except saying she would quit and doing the quitting are different things. She's had years to make a decision but didn't because "he found 10 excuses" is pushing the blame. She's grown and can decide for herself.... she decided to be independent.

[@crazeekids9744]

@@jarelchico what choice did she have but to be independent? Her husband has left her on her own for 5 days a week for the past 15 years.

[@jarelchico]

@@crazeekids9744 It goes back to the question John asked. What kept her from driving and showing up at his doorstep if you really want it. She replied: "What I created for myself". She created something she loved....more than her husband or keeping the family together... That's a decision. I would tell her: Own it. You succeeded.

[@crazeekids9744]

@@jarelchico chicken and egg. She wouldn’t have had to create a whole life for herself if she hadn’t been put in that position in the first place.

[@JohannyVeigaviolin]

He have more 3 families

[@karenlubeck3294]

It is very difficult to leave an established career and life and relocate for your spouse especially when you at your prime earning years to start over without family or friends. I did this in my 30's for my now ex-husband (we were married for 15 years). At this point in the caller's life I don't think it makes sense for her to leave everything she has established to relocate when her husband still farms with their son on the weekends. If she could work remotely, it would allow her to be able to be with her husband during the week and do her work in the hotel or apartment while he is at work and have their evenings together without uprooting everything. If they owe it to themselves to look at the possibilities to make some decisions for the health of their marriage. Blessings to them both.

[@soulgirl62]

If the husband would have wanted to spend time with his wife he would have done everything and anything to make sure that happened before now. He has checked out , He is done

[@davidturner3552]

She doesnt think he will choose her. And hasnt accepted he hasnt chosen her and the kids. She wants to be important to him and she has been the one to sacrifice. She should stop. It might take her saying Im done being alone. I dont feel important to you. It is this job and or farm or me. I dont think you want me where you work. She should consult a divorce attorney about preparing and say if your choice isnt me Im filing. Ive been lonely for years and Im not willing to do this anymore. Im willing to move but I dont think you want me there as being without me there is freedom. Hes at least not committed! Why hasnt he asked her to travel with him? Hes having an affair or his lifestyle. File for separation. Move to a new apartment. Begin a new life. Wait to quit the job. Wait to know what life you want! Give yourself a year single. Look for possible apartments now. Think about separate finances. Where do you want to live? Near grandchildren?

[@margaretwalsh8361]

He’ll look at her like she’s crazy. His two passions form his identity. She’s a functionary.

[@carolel4025]

Do not give up yr job!

[@Deroliebe]

Bro cares about everything but his wife.

[@Dream7773]

I see signs of him living a double life.

[@Jaxmusicgal23]

Yeah, that concerns me too. A college mate described this similar situation but Dad was more involved when he was home but then started acting more distant. Come to find out he had a wife and kids with a whole separate family he began to care more about than his original wife and kids- IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY!!! I picked up on something not sounding right about his strange behavior….told her to sit down and ask her dad what was up. They were strict Pentecostal Christians (long girls hair, very modest dress, no makeup or jewelry, no dancing or sensual actions even with spouses, sex was a necessary evil and no fun should be had with it)… He expressed his issues after being silent and his walking away from his faith and living two lives…my friend found out about the second family and how much fun he was having in his non-strict religious 2nd marriage. It broke her and she demanded he tell the wife (her mom) and should tell other family. (He didnt)… he told his USA wife and family and left them for the other country and other family without divorcing them cuz divorce is a sin 😬🙄 As if the second marriage and side life wasnt just as bad. This can of worms that could be possible should be approach slowly and ready to face. A second life with another family or even a side gf for years could devastate if no one was expecting that…

[@David-wo9un]

Funny, based on her reaction, she didn’t seem to agree her husband is a stud.

[@jtsays429]

Don't be home when he's there. Put a locator on his phone and leave b4 he gets there