Is My Boyfriend Emotionally Manipulating Me?

[@natasha.r.m]

I hope this girl is alive, free and safe now. I got chills from her call.

[@jaciemokidm2287]

Me toooo ugh it’s nearly been a year!

[@MFiction60]

Me too. She's in real danger

[@SpongeBobSquarePantsNickJr]

He’s a stalker

[@janwells2199]

This is not "attentive". He doesn't trust or cherish YOU. He cherishes controlling you. Yes, RUN!

[@GregoryMcBride-qf7hx]

He might cherish her. but he doesn’t trust her. He can’t for some reason, he’s like a puppy when their owner leaves the house for the first time. When she started noticing these problems, she should’ve put up boundaries, while reassuring him. But instead she fed the behavior.

[@DebPhillips-l2p]

Narcissistic behavior. Run fast!

[@awatson8832]

She's not married. She can spend her own money. He's very insecure. He's a huge red flag

[@shlbw]

RUN! He is an abuser, period. This is the pathology of a dangerous person.

[@rnopes21]

Agreed. Girl, run right now. You don't want to try divorcing this type. They will make it frightening.

[@raccuia1]

Classic cluster b personality disordered abuser. Certainly a narcissist (overt or covert) and possibly a sociopath or psychopath. The abused is clearly trauma bonded. The abuser likely started with love bombing the victim. Then when the victim became emotionally involved started the abuse. The abused clearly lacks self esteem and needs approval and validation and security. The abused stays in the relationship hanging out for the next bone or breadcrumb of approval. There is no way the abuser will change. Indeed, not only should the abused run but she should get external help to make her safe because the abuser will be so injured that he likely will be a danger to her life. Do not entertain Dr Johns suggestion at 9 minutes and 20 seconds of talking to the abuser to try and sort things out. That won't work. RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN as far away as possible with external help.

[@JaneCoal]

I bet she thinks he is in love with her. Just because he is jealous.

[@JaneCoal]

This is not easy for her. She needs help through this

[@NotFalling4it]

Why would he ask her if she’s hiding money from him? They’ve only been together for 18months - her bank account is NONE of his business. If she wants to “hide” her money - I don’t see the problem.

[@lala5061]

Period at all red flag on the play...no ma'am uh uh

[@Oberon44]

Yeah that was a weird thing for him to ask! He occasionally says weird stuff 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@rachelcrawford1977]

@@Oberon44he listing the next steps of control that will happen. She did the uncomfortable laugh which says he is already doing that I’m guessing in the edit her boyfriend did say those things

[@ld8956]

He was basically saying she should hide it from him. He'll try to control that too and if that doesn't work then he'll jeopardize it

[@GUITARTIME2024]

CALLER: He might have placed a GPS tracker under your car, or a tiny video camera in your home. Have a mechanic look at your car. Thoroughly examine your apartment (including air ducts, bathroom vent covers, or items on a bookcase or table.) You might even get an app to find hidden cameras. Also, change your wifi password, then restart your wifi router to cut access to any secret Wifi device he might be using. Chances are high that he's monitoring you. You are way over your head with that weirdo.

[@Purplelemon5033]

Yep and she should regularly check her breaks . I had a friend who left an abusive relationship she can’t prove it but her break ms on her car suddenly didn’t work and he said he’d lost the spare key to her car

[@stever507]

There’s also monitering spirits we all need to be aware of .

[@lala5061]

Mmmmmm 🤔

[@BlackStump172]

Take all devices to a tech and get them cleared . New phone number and email . Stay off ALL social media .

[@BlackStump172]

@@Purplelemon5033Getting new key code is better .

[@crazygeechee]

3 minutes in and i am already exhausted. Run.

[@noelia2219]

If this was my daughter i would be terrified

[@lala5061]

Extremely

[@elkforests]

Run. Run. Run.. no person who has been in a relationship like this is saying "oh but it worked out eventually." No. Not one. It was a train wreck for everyone.

[@anibaldamiao]

Not true

[@BlackStump172]

@@anibaldamiaoTruth mate !

[@sunshine-db2zm]

Its is not "attentive" its "controlling"

[@JudePi-jx7yo]

Was totally ready to doubt all of these comments but for sure you're all right. This is nuts.

[@javaskull88]

This is scary, girlfriend . He’s shortening the leash, tugging on it, and you’re intuitively feeling that’s not right and doesn’t feel good. He’s only going to get more controlling, more needy, and more crazy. RUN! I am not kidding.

[@pamelagood8077]

I am so with you on this. My ex became physically abusive when I was late coming home, convinced I was sleeping around. It only gets worse. RUN!

[@karenfield748]

Pleeeease don't tell him face to face that you are leaving him. Many women are murdered like that. Please be so careful. 😢

[@MFiction60]

Exactly

[@adrianaclark8498]

I was a psychiatric nurse in 2 different very large jails. There were so many men like him it was just sad. Their girlfriends-wives, were in hospitals from the physical abuse. You do not want it to go that far. One inmate said, when she's out of the hospital, she'll think twice before she disobeys me again. Even being in jail, he was planning his next level of control! Take ALL precautions. Be ready to check your car for GPS, your apartment for cameras, and get the lock changed on your door. Check the parking lot at your apartment before going fully into the open. Even check inside your car before getting in. Inform everyone you know what's going on. The more support, the better. This type of personality RARELY changes!

[@BlackStump172]

Better still , quietly find another job and home in another State . Leave when he is out and disappear.

[@claremolony6050]

Coercive Control is so deadly and by the time anyone realises what is happening step 8 is done and homicide as been committed

[@ineedhoez]

I don't play that. I will fully exercise my second amendment rights and happily sit in prison, If myself defense case doesn't work out.

[@ineedhoez]

I don't play that. I will fully exercise my second amendment rights and happily sit in prison, If myself defense case doesn't work out.

[@suzysuzy1186]

This is so true, he does not want a relationship with you, he has no respect for you. You are a puppet to do his bidding and if you dont he will show anger. These people are not capable of a loving equal relationship. I know, I got away from one after many wasted years.

[@JustinCase780]

He's not a boyfriend. He's a Monster! Get out now before you become a statistic. He's totally psycho and could care less about you. Don't hide anything from your family-friends and don't sit down with him. Please get out of this now!!!

[@BP-xe7dw]

Kiddo, run. Protect yourself. Him wanting to break up with you was only to find how far he can manipulate you. It was more of a test to gain control over you.

[@1whical]

I'm a guy and used to be like this. I had a lot of growing up to do. And it was better in the long run that I was dumped because it forced me to look in the mirror. I recommend moving on from him!

[@laurenecarter246]

​@@TimothyMcVayno excuse Jeffery....

[@alxxxxxxxxxbnhi]

How did you make the change? And did you ever make amends to former partners? Curious only because I had to dump a guy for being like this.

[@ElliBeenie]

@@TimothyMcVay being cheated on is no excuse for being abusive…

[@renebrown7394]

@@ElliBeenieNOTHING is…

[@westchuchilly]

@@TimothyMcVaynah this just means you’re not healing from the person who hurt you. The next woman didn’t hurt you, so you have no right to control her and abuse her.

[@lusciouslivingtoday]

He is a control freak. He will get worse. It will turn to verbal, emotional and mental abuse and then physical abuse will happen. Please leave him now. You don't have kids leave before it gets worse. If you stay he will destroy your self esteem, have you isolated from friends, family and anything that doesn't involve him. He will continue to manipulate you.

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

Yes!!! You nailed it!!

[@dtschuor459]

She’s already editing what she tells people who love her so they don’t know how bad he is. She’s not going to be sad for as long as she thinks she will, I predict.

[@Lala89856]

Run, Elise! I was with a manipulator and I amost took my own life because he manipulated me to the point where I lost my self esteem. He made me feel like I didn't have anyone that cared about me, and he put his whole family against me to yell and mistreat me. Please, don't waste more time.

[@EnfinLibreNM]

Elise, if you're reading this...if you break up with him, he might turn violent. He sounds very unstable and, if so, you could potentially be in danger. DO NOT let him into your apartment. Make sure you always carry pepper spray, and find a self defense class. Don't go out at night without someone with you, and, when you come home, have someone go into your apartment with you to make sure you're safe. Make sure you tell your friends and family EXACTLY what has been happening so they know if something happens. Allow someone you trust to have your cell phone tracked and even your car. If you have to, contact the police and even get a restraining order (although that doesn't work very well.) The best thing is to make sure you're safe. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be alone with him after you break up. Take control of your own life because he's been controlling yours for far too long. Good luck and please, stay safe.

[@lms2379]

This is so well stated and 100% spot on!

[@PureLace]

This is exactly what I thought too. Sounds like someone who would get violent.

[@stevis78]

This is excellent advice. This guy is dangerous, in my estimation

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

She should carry a gun too. I’m a woman in a healthy relationship and I carry all the time. You live in the USA, make good use of that privilege.

[@Lil-Whiskies]

I would add. Do not agree to meet him alone anywhere.

[@Kai77-24]

RUN GIRL!! Like a gazelle running from a frickin lion.

[@prudencesteward5878]

I just got out of a narcissistic relationship and he always said I was the problem. As I listened to her first 5 seconds my thought was Run! If you the caller are reading these comments...RUN!! It will never get better

[@denisegore1884]

This is quite scary. Elise, once you've broken up with him, never, ever be alone with him. It is not ill mannered not to open the door to everyone who knocks. It could be a matter of safety as women are often most at risk when they leave. He's very controlling and that could make him dangerous.

[@kerrymillar1267]

She sounds so sweet. Men like this usually end up cheating too because they are a sink hole that can’t be filled. One woman can’t fill that void.

[@frozenwoods863]

This👆My ex is similar to the bf she has and I was beyond shocked when he cheated. Usually they say men become avoidant or change in behavior when cheating but my ex did not. He still called and texted all the time, but the fucker had the time for the other ones too.

[@coolaunt516]

Four words: Run like the wind.

[@TheCarlinCoop]

And on a windy day run!

[@Zumcho]

I dated someone like this, very insecure, very intense. Come to find out he was the one cheating. I guess our own guilty conscience makes us act out as well. 🤷

[@stolen3moon]

She's dating a narcissist and she is in danger. I wouldn't encourage her confronting him like that by any means. He'll flip out and she could be in serious danger

[@daCubanaqt]

Agreed. If she stays with him, he will eventually kill her. This situation is very scary.

[@MFiction60]

She definitely is in danger

[@champabay4746]

That’s a weak man. A child, run for your life

[@lillymarlane8766]

The moment she engages in boundaries and a possible end to the relationship she is entering a heightened state of vulnerability and risk of violence (based on stats) . Hoping she recieved additional support ❤

[@MFiction60]

Exactly

[@lyrasus]

A moving goal post is a massive red flag that you are dealing with someone who wants to control you and also who needs external validation constantly. Narcissistic.

[@chrystallee1563]

My ex husband used to take me to and from work. He would use the whole tank of gas during my weekend shifts! ( he was unemployed )He didn’t trust me at all. He always accused me of cheating. Wasn’t allowed to call my family nor friends. Would delete phone numbers off my phone. Leaving him was the best decision ever!

[@MFiction60]

I'm so glad you got out safely

[@detmostwant]

This is scary to me because I have been that guy before. It's toxic and disgusting. He is a scared man who needs help. It took me realizing what I had become to reach out for help and take the necessary steps to be better. I hope he gets help. And I hope she runs from this relationship.

[@disturbomentale3089]

What do you mean you were that guy? You used to text someone every 10 minutes?

[@detmostwant]

@@disturbomentale3089 I've been the guy that she needs to run from. I've been the insecure and hurt individual who thinks it's ok to manipulate the world around them to fit their screwed up reality. I used to be that. It's hard to admit that. The guy who she needs to get away from needs serious help.

[@Lil-Whiskies]

Thank you for admitting this to yourself and the public. He's obviously emotionally sick but most men refuse to or can't acknowledge this, they have a blind spot that tells them it's all the woman's fault and if she just did what he wanted everything would be okay. Hope things get healthier for you and your relationships as you work on yourself.

[@jaciemokidm2287]

Hope you’re still doing well and that you’ve found an enriching life of peace and happiness. 🙏

[@juicysmith38235]

This was how my recent ex-fiancee treated me for 9 yrs. It was never enough for him, he had the whole sob story of being cheated on, etc. & I was a sucker. He did what her bf did, complained texting wasn't enough then escalated to hiding a gps tracker in my car, going through my phone when I fell asleep, etc. All these yrs later I am isolated after he ran off all my friends. I now have to start over in my mind 30s after wasting all these yrs. He eventually went to therapy & then claimed they said I was a narcissist. Run babe, they will never change, it only gets worse, they want you isolated on purpose so they can control you, you deserve better, God bless 🙏🙏🙏

[@TimothyMcVay]

you can come home with me.

[@juicysmith38235]

​@@TimothyMcVayidk who's worse, Jeffery Epstein or my ex 🤔☠

[@disturbomentale3089]

So sorry 😢

[@pear_jules4013]

@@TimothyMcVaytroll

[@l3zfrancais]

She needs to get out ASAP!!!! This could turn into a scary(💀) situation.

[@Judi4Him4Ever]

Yep I had a boyfriend like this who eventually literally funneled me into a marriage and was already abusive when we married. I was so young and didn’t know what was happening and no one intervened to warn me. After 20 years of abuse, including toward my son, he left me for someone else who he could also control. Major regrets. Young woman, RUN! Change your number, change your location and DO NOT LOOK BACK!!

[@Judi4Him4Ever]

I don’t think Dr. John understood how relationally dangerous this guy is. WTH? Have a sit down? This type of guy only increases his possession.

[@catcoffee7958]

The thing is even if someone warned you,, you would not believe it,,, they have way of blinding the victim.

[@Judi4Him4Ever]

@@catcoffee7958That is very true, actually. He had me isolated from my friends and made me feel more and more dependent on him. Sucked the life out of me.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Zero accountability, of course.

[@Judi4Him4Ever]

@@GUITARTIME2024Do you mean that I take zero blame in it? Because that’s not true. Mostly, I take responsibility for not leaving sooner and subjecting my kids to the relationship. And I was also a self-willed, rebellious kid.

[@mrskitty7929]

Dating is to decide if you are a match. If he needs this much work, you are not a match right now. Get away, and if he threatens at all to hurt you, or he starts following you, etc., get a restraining order and maybe stay with a friend for a while. This has lifetime movie written all over it.

[@valerieodonnell6764]

I had a coworker who was in a similar situation. They didn’t live together but she had to call him when she woke up, when she was driving to work, on her break, at lunch, as she was driving home, etc or he would freak out. If we went out for lunch as a group she would get nervous about how he was going to react if she didn’t call. He would also get mad if she would answer calls from her mom when he was around or if she would choose to hangout with her own daughters instead of him. We were all scared for her and really tried to talk sense into her about all the red flags. Eventually she saw the light and thankfully got out of the situation before it devolved into violence. I was so relieved.

[@musikbox1983]

My most recent ex was like this. He put spyware on my phone and a GPS tracker on my car. He would spend every single waking moment monitoring me, interrogating me, etc. It was an absolute nightmare. Turns out he had undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. It's been over for years now but I still feel the stress from that relationship.

[@snOags]

Wow so glad to hear you respected yourself more. I can't imagine that. I went through something like this. And glad to hear you left and prioritized yourself.

[@lucialuciferion6720]

My ex too a tee. His name was Scott. I love using that toilet paper now 🤣

[@susanwagner98]

If you're still feeling it, I would recommend a trauma therapist. I'm not sure what country you live in, but here in B.C. Canada, you can get a free one through women's shelters, or Transition Societies.

[@mattcoorey2580]

Every 5 to 10 minutes?! Nah that’s insane,

[@thorneto2742]

Uhhh, any dude that needs constant attention like that has nothing else going on and you should probably be afraid of him.

[@phyllishutchinson9410]

I worry that if you try to break up, he will not let you go. Be prepared. Have friends and family to support you. Someone as controlling as he is will want to keep you under his control.

[@MFiction60]

Make a safe exit plan- that guy is dangerous

[@lucialuciferion6720]

Sounds like my ex. He would be very jealous, controlling, and demand constant contact if I had to run some errands or so. He didn't respect my need for alone time , didn't respect my boundaries, etc. Red flags . He's a narcissist. Not to mention all the name calling , him constantly starting fights over nothing (always my fault ) etc etc.

[@kctexan]

I hope she calls back and lets John know how it went. I am worried about her.

[@bigmoneyc9395]

She needs to search his name in every criminal database, and every order of protection database in the US. I would be willing to bet that he has a record for stalking or domestic violence.

[@kellyturner4571]

Girl, RUN!

[@blaket8662]

He has some deep rooted insecurities. I used to be that guy. Dude needs to see a therapist and stop taking it out on her. Holy. Poor girl.

[@SerenaHe-z3k]

no! it's not insecurity, it's something entirely different. I have unfortunately been around enough narcissists to say that this is very very typical sign of a narcissist. They can be very dangerous if you trigger their rage by leaving or challenging them. The best way is to quietly back away slowly, politely, respectfully, and decisively and run!

[@ElliBeenie]

@@SerenaHe-z3k not everyone who has narcissistic tendencies is a clinical narcissist and incapable of change. I agree that she should be on her guard and get tf out of that relationship. No question about that. But when a guy comes forward and says he was like that, it’s wrong, and he has changed, he should be commended for that. Many guys can only accept hard truths when it’s coming from other guys.

[@BlackStump172]

@@ElliBeenieI would call him a sociopath .

[@ElliBeenie]

@@BlackStump172 giving psychological diagnoses to people you know very little about and haven’t talked to in person is not a good habit to have

[@sincerelysean7147]

I'm listening to this video right now and I can relate. Elise, please run and stay far away from him. Thankfully, you haven’t married this man. You don't want to be in that toxic, abussive narcissistic relationship years later, completely destroyed and depleted. Believe me, I know. 😔

[@renebrown7394]

And especially before they bring any children into it… Married or not

[@1414nickymatt]

I know too, just got out of this myself. I hope she left and is safe. Don't stay, RUN!

[@kendrascorner]

You aren't married yet. You didn't wake up in the same bed together and give him the cold shoulder for 2 hours. It's okay if you texted him at 9am after you got to work, instead of 7am the moment you wake up. He wants you to be obsessed with him. He wants to be your whole world so that later down the line, that can be the threat. "You can't do this without me," "you don't have anyone else in your life," "you need me," "you are worthless without me." Aaaaand... Distrust is often projection. Cheaters think the other one is cheating. Or, even if he's not cheating, distrust can become obsessive to the point of stalker. This guy sounds like bad news. I'd stay away.

[@alluringbliss4165]

I agrée. Hé could just text her himself or call. He’s controlling and insecure.

[@Dark_Souls_3]

Good comment. Have a great day

[@JustinCase780]

Married or not it's crazy psycho behavior. What husband would do this crap? The guy is a monster.

[@kendrascorner]

@@JustinCase780 I agree, a husband shouldn't be like this either, I was just saying I could understand if they were married, and living together, and she didn't even say good morning before she left the house or something. Like if they spent 2 hours together in the morning and she never said good morning, that would be a little awkward lol. But it's true, not even a husband should demand this much constant attention from his wife. It's very weird behavior.

[@JustinCase780]

@@kendrascorner "You aren't married yet" implies that maybe they will get married and that in that case it would be o.k. She's doubting herself as this guy is abusing her. She needs to cut this off immediately.

[@Oberon44]

She needs to make a plan for her safety because this is exactly the kind of person who becomes violent when broken up with.

[@FayeKilgor3]

As soon as she said ATTENTIVE I said No it's not ITS CONTROL! RUNNNN

[@carolcastellaw6633]

Are any of you already tired frm just listening to this poor gal...i hope and pray that girl is safe..that man will drain any woman alive..😢

[@jaciemokidm2287]

I am! Sounds miserable.

[@gin170]

Yikes, take every precaution. Tell your family and friends about what he's doing, in case, something happens to you. Do not be alone with him. This is not normal behavior.

[@EnikoBarna-nm1rc]

As soon as the girl started talking about the issue, my first thought was: he's a narcissist.

[@aladdout9454]

more than just a narcissist this is a wholeass psychopath

[@anibaldamiao]

That’s just because you read the title of the video?

[@BlackStump172]

Hey John , he will have a tracker on her car and on her phone . She needs to change all passwords on her accounts . Do NOT confront him , just go . John is making me angry as his advice is wrong , and dangerous .

[@claremolony6050]

Actually men who are extremely controlling are not Narcissistic or have Narcissistic PERSONALITY DISORDER. Lundy Bancroft talks about this in his book "WHY does he do that? Inside the mind of controlling men". It is an excellent read. He says that about 1% are Narcissistic. This is learned behaviour from parents primarily from the father.

[@ebriggs3498]

@@claremolony6050: Agreed! My ex is a mysogynist! Looks like a narcissist on the outside, but inside they are much more devious and will actively work to take you down. They prey on strong women, and love to pull them down to their level. You will wonder if you are going crazy. Everything is ok for them, but wrong if you do it. Dr. Susan Forward wrote a wonderful book called, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. Read it! Run!

[@righteousjustice7569]

Run and NEVER look back ... I can hear in your voice what I've heard in mine .. don't stay in this... Don't give this person anymore oof you or your tine .

[@freespiritwithnature4384]

Omg my saucer eyes are huge . I've dated this kind of man. He will control you, and eventually, you will believe you're to blame for everything. You're self esteem will be non-existent. RUN !!

[@vaska1999]

Elsie, if your gut tells you "something's very wrong here," believe it and run. I felt the exact same thing, in those very words, and I ended up being stalked for 4 years because I didn't heed my intuition. He even had my computers and my tablets hacked in order to follow me online! I had to involve the police to extricate myself from the creep.

[@ChardeeMacdennis339]

Girl get out. NOW. I’m begging you. This will only get worse and worse. I’ve been where you are and I wish I had gotten out sooner. This kind of behavior escalates. He’s being controlling and definitely emotionally abusive. Please if you do anything, get away from this man and move on with your life. Wishing you so much luck and love ❤

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

No amount of talking to him about it will change him. He has to learn the hard way.

[@sarahbob8401]

He's likely to get angry and stalk her when she finishes it with him, he is a dangerous person.

[@gdavis2020]

I was going n an abusive relationship for many years with a man that was my husband. He physically and psychologically abused me, one of his favorite things to say to me was that I was the problem, I was the one that didn’t try hard, I was the one that was wrong about everything! I was able to break free after he went to jail and I moved away back to my hometown and surrounded myself with family and friends. Elise get away from this man, you will be better off.

[@tashasmith1234]

Yep!! Chills here. When Dr. J said RUN, I got chills. I hope you listen to this supportive community. Love yourself enough to be enough. This could get bad. RUN before you start to change who you are for him.

[@rannahoot22]

This really opened my eyes to a relationship I have that I've been unsure about for awhile. Everything the caller said is something that happens in my relationship. Controlling, needing to know every detail, saying that I'm always the problem. I can see that it's time to have some hard conversations and new boundaries. Thanks for this episode!

[@lusciouslivingtoday]

Be 💯 with your self and not in denial. It will not get better. People that have control know how to manipulate and if you choose to stay you know what you are signing up for. Just think to yourself if you had kids would you ever want them to put up with this?

[@SerenaHe-z3k]

I was in a relationship just like this one, well 100% like this one. conversations and boundaries were waste of time. You will only break your own heart even more down the road. I run fast now whenever I feel a hint of manipulation. life is so so much better without them.

[@lusciouslivingtoday]

@@SerenaHe-z3k It's good you left because unfortunately, a lot of people stay because they make excuses for their abuser, stay out of fear and low self worth. And you definitely can't reason with somebody who's a control freak, it just does not work.

[@Dave-js1jc]

Boundaries won't work, run.

[@gbear34]

Be safe! If it has gotten this far, your partner probably isn't ready for a healthy relationship. Wishing you the best.

[@rebeccahennessy6939]

I am a year out of something similar to this, and it was very important for me to hear that “You know your in an unsafe relationship, wether it’s physical sexual unsafe, psychological, or emotionally unsafe, when you start hiding things parts of it your closest friends, when you stop talking to telling the truth to the people you KNOW have your best interest at heart” That wrecked me, thank you for the confirmation I needed. Run Elise, you WILL get better, the next year will race by.

[@brightpage1020]

Ever seen the movie "Ghost"? " Molly. You in danger, Girl." Elise, you are "Molly". This is a dangerous situation. This tension you feel could be the precursor to an abusive relationship. It's emotionally abusive, now. Don't run alone. Know that he will try to guilt, shame, and blame you for leaving him like " at [whatever ] time". He might even get violent, Heaven Forbid, when you leave.. So, please make a safety plan that includes backup on scene or break up in a public place. Have a plan for the next 3-7 days where you will not be alone. Just in case. Hopefully you won't need it but just in case. This is a well documented process. Get a counselor who is a pro in these extractions. You need to make a plan with them on how to recover your sanity and self dignity. You sound young and your life can ha e a really positive trajectory, maybe more positive without him. You are worth finding out.

[@JesseGraham-l9s]

Yup Leave him. He needs be alone for awhile and develop himself more.

[@JesseGraham-l9s]

@@lks6248 You are right. He is doomed forever and has no future. I would stay with him

[@leahboynton1280]

My heart goes out to you Elsie, I was in your shoes. Only leave when you are ready but find some support in the meantime. You will need it. From one woman who went through this for 22 years it does not get better, it gets more dangerous. You are strong enough and more than enough to get to the other side. Love from Canada.

[@JustinCase780]

Listen to @0:40 again. She can't wait it out. This is dangerous stuff and she needs to end this now and take care of herself. The guy is an absolute monster.

[@leahboynton1280]

@JustinCase780 I agree but as a victim of abuse it's tricky to distangle quickly. It's a mental game that requires support on the sidelines.

[@SerenaHe-z3k]

Having support is to have someone confirm your reality and help you see through their manipulations and dramas. Because in a narcissist relationship, you are deprived of your reality and identity. As a matter of fact, you don't necessary need support to get out of it if you learn to be self assured. Once you stop being delusional about the narcissist and the true relationship between you and them, you are free.

[@NRQ-zv5bp]

Leave now while you're not ready. They're not married there's nothing to get ready for just leave

[@leahboynton1280]

@NRQ-zv5bp Marriage has nothing to do with leaving abuse. It's a physical contract. Abusive parents dont have a contract. It's emotional, spiritual, soul entanglement. It's hell to walk away from, marriage or not.

[@lifeaccordingtotheo9643]

3 min in and this is clearly an abusive relationship, he is trying to control her. Step 1. Textbook abuser. Control and isolation. Super dangerous situation. She is so naive. This is scary!! 😢

[@thegatesofdawn...1386]

Control and abuse is coming around the corner

[@marissathomas9327]

RUNNNNNNN. !!!! He is a standing red flag 🚩

[@angeronalove5799]

Beautiful, darling woman, please RUN. But do so safely. Please take care of yourself and trust your friends. This man could turn very violent. Please be honest with your friends and family. He does not need protecting. You do! Please get out. I have been where you are. I felt so much shame for yet another bad decision of an emotionally abusive man. The shame is not yours. The shame belongs to him. You are lovely, and you can heal. You are not responsible for this. Please get out.

[@gryffinberner]

And be safe. Locks changed, someone staying with you for the first week

[@lisalister8002]

This type of relationship usually gets worse... This never ends well. Get away from him!

[@michelledemers9312]

I was on board until Dr. John started telling her how to navigate this relationship. This is not a relationship worth staying in at all. He is a control freak. There is no fixing this. Run, run, run. Do NOT try to save this relationship.

[@michelledemers9312]

Classic narcissist. He love bombed her in the beginning and now it's turning, she can't do anything right. Dr. John please stop telling people how to fix relationships with people they need to get away from. You gave her the courage to leave and then you turned around and gave advice about how to stay. Confusing for the caller.

[@lblincoe2094]

I don't think it was intended as legitimate advice per say, I think he was just willing to call this guy's bluff. He knows this guy isn't going to respect her boundaries or allow her to have any autonomy, so honestly he as good as said "your relationship is over". Only by doing it this way, she will have the reassurance she needs to know that she isn't making a mistake by ending the relationship, because ultimately HE is going to be the one to end it. Rather than having to debate whether leaving him is the right decision for her, she's going to do her part to create the space for a healthy relationship, and he's going to make the decision for her by refusing to respect her boundaries. Then she can have confidence about separating from him because he will have proved to her that he isn't capable of healthy relating, and then she won't be tempted to go back to him when he makes the inevitable attempts to hoover her back.

[@jaciemokidm2287]

@@lblincoe2094nah, I think it was indeed legitimate advice. Therapists understand that not every patient is in the mindset to just leave a bad relationship. So the next best thing to leaving is to become confident enough to say what she needs and set boundaries. She should leave though, I do think he messed up not considering the risk of violence from this kind of guy.

[@Mombal5]

I hope it went well for her. This is such a scary situation. This is what I fear for my daughter.

[@cindydaley7461]

I chose peace because nothing I ever did was enough for him. This video hit home for me

[@mclearnstudy]

Thank you John. This video was my 18 years relationship/marriage. Filed for divorce. Abuse does not equal love. I wish I knew this years ago. Now it’s all about healing.

[@trexxy9628]

Spent almost three years in a relationship like this. this call hurts my heart, it reminds me of the absolute exhaustion of that moving finish line.

[@vilmareynoso7343]

I don't understand why he didn't just tell her to just run and stick to that. This person is dangerous! Run like hell and never look back! There's no fixing this

[@jaciemokidm2287]

Because she gave vibes that she isn’t willing to leave just yet. So the next best thing is to at least tell her to set boundaries with the guy and let her know it’s ok to state her needs and expectations. I hope she left the guy. He isn’t safe.

[@elettramia6380]

But he DID! It was the first thing he said, he said Run, Run Run

[@debbieanderson6740]

"You are worth better. Whatever that looks like." Great advice. That boyfriend is so controlling. No matter what you do, he will change it to something else. You are under a magnifying glass. He won't ever stop. Pushing and pushing..then if it will come to physical abuse? But don't stay to find out. Love yourself enough to leave. Speaking from experience.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

My husband was like this a ways in our early relationship and marriage (I almost broke up with him and thought of calling off the wedding). We have stuck it out, HOWEVER I would not give that advice to others. This is the path I have chosen and while it has good and bad (and thankfully he started taking medicine this year so it is a lot better than it has ever been) he has matured a bit. A lot of his behavior I think comes from his parents, who are wonderful people but have control issues themselves

[@elettramia6380]

I’m sorry you didn’t choose a better life for yourself. Have you tried one on one therapy?

[@lauramunoz9175]

The never ending abusive cycle of having a relationship with a controlling narcissist 😢😢

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

I felt real fear for this sweet lady. I actually fear for her safety after hearing this call!! RUN RUN RUN!!!!

[@JustinCase780]

@0:37 Please listen to this part again several times. You have zero reason to think you are any part of any problem. The guy is a psycho monster and he could care less about you. Please call all of your friends-family today and share what is going on and your plan to then cut it off with no dialog or explanation.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Biut she IS because she tolerated it. She's part of this but she can end the relationship.

[@JustinCase780]

@@GUITARTIME2024 The guy is a manipulative psycho monster. She can't see clarity because he preyed upon a sweet person that is vulnerable. 100% this guy has a history of being this way with every woman he has dated.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

@JustinCase780 agreed but an adult woman has have some accountability for what she tolerates in regards to an ongoing situation. I refuse to see adult women as children.

[@JustinCase780]

@@GUITARTIME2024 Well that's very compassionate (sarcasm) about someone that is possibly in a high risk harms way situation. It's not about you.

[@Katie-j9u]

John needs to not give people like this the option of staying. Obviously he can’t control what the caller will ultimately do but giving her the flip side of what she can also say and do if she was the stay makes her think “ok well maybe I can stay”. No! He’s completely controlling and his behaviour will most likely escalate.

[@BG-nm5xt]

OMG, don't move in, HUGE red flag, this is just controlling, get out, ASAP, he's a nightmare!!!

[@BG-nm5xt]

Just break up with him on the phone or with a trusted safe friend with you, not alone! He is a scary person!! Get out ASAP!

[@candyluna2929]

As soon as she said he was very attentive, 1st red flag

[@annwallace3441]

Yep. That’s one of the ways it all starts…

[@katiefrankie6]

EXACTLY what I thought. My ears perked way up.

[@cryptoroseaz]

He sounds like a covert narcissist. They cant be fixed. It never gets better. Run, don't walk.

[@rnopes21]

Yes! This! Facts! Run!!!!!

[@robinc2651]

It's time to sever the ties completely. I've been there. They are so good at making themselves the victim. Making you feel guilty for any and everything. I had one just like that. He did become abusive eventually. He will cry and tell you how sorry he is and swear to you, he'll change and get help. He'll say, "i don't know what's wrong with me." He will promise 50x50 times he's going to change, but he won't. I promise you he won't. Change your phone number and even move if you have to. I did. I had to change a lot. The last straw for me was when he intentionally unlocked my bedroom window so he could come in during the night after he had been out with his friends. This guy is no good. I'm sorry. Get out now.

[@stephenb7902]

Get out now PLEASE befor something happens and it will my wife worked with a woman and her daughter ended up dead with someone who was the same way PLEASE RUN RUN RUN

[@InQuestOfTruth]

A woman in this situation can "lay the law down" everyday, and it will never change, except maybe a day or two. And he won't let her go easily, either. I wish there was an update on this one.

[@Shangrila37]

Girl run!!! And don’t look back!! Trust me honey!!

[@Soulsuitcase]

People in situations like this, end up dead. Please leave before that outcome has a chance to come true.

[@AN-jw2oe]

Seriously, oh my goodness, I have never heard of someone being THAT controlling!!! 😮😮😮 Would be a living nightmare, so glad she called in.

[@krisg71]

Yeah....this is headed no where good. Poor thing. She needs to get away from this guy.

[@andrea9797mdd]

This is not love but control. RUN!

[@BG-nm5xt]

Dr. John is so right! RUN! Don't move in with him because the abuse will get worse! So many danger signs snd red flags! Get out ASAP!

[@mexicanachulax3]

I hope you find the strength to leave! Going through the process to leave while in active therapy helped me so much!

[@Kat-8888]

Attentive = Controlling

[@foxybox123]

Run away ! Safely

[@neishaunwilliams98]

Get out, I dealt with someoen just like this, had to be in constant communication even while I was at work, he wanted me to share my location, have 6 hour phone conversations, fall asleep on the phone and everything in between. I couldn't wear certain clothing unless I was with him. It was a nightmare. Please run before it gets any worse

[@wenchyfoodwench4098]

If there are these issues when your just dating that is the answer. Dating is to discern if someone is a match. Obviously he is not. Break up with him. Go on, do It. Make sure you’re away from him when you do it and let people know and make sure you are safe. Get security cameras…. Pepper spray , weapon if need be. Don’t be alone with him

[@PureLace]

Yikes, I'd be worried for my life.