"I Hate Polyamorous People"

So a little while ago I saw some discourse around the polyamory community start up on Tiktok and I thought...why not talk about it. I think it's really important to speak up on a community that tends to get a lot of hate from folks who don't understand it but just because you don't structure your relationships that way doesn't mean it can't make other people happy. Be sure to leave a comment with your thoughts down below! I'd love to hear what everyone in this wonderful community has to say about all this especially folks who are asexual or aromantic who might also be non monogamous/ polyamorous.
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[@ThatFont]

The only thing that gets me is that some people in monogamous relationships can call it poly just to sleep around. Other than that, I don’t care at all what anyone’s doing.

[@chillero3heftig712]

tbf ive never ever in my life seen this trope being reality. i might be wrong but, to me it feels like monogamous people made it up that most 'poly' people do that

[@beckheorshepls5397]

As a polyamorous guy who's been in a triad, I'll explain how I got there 😅 it was actually a pretty solid relationship for a few years. So got a crush on a polyamorous person with two other partners. So then I was basically adopted into the polycule. Then I got a crush on the other girl they were dating and they told me to tell her so then I was dating her too. The 4th person ended up falling out of the relationship because they were already having some relationship issues in general. So it resulted in a throuple, and honestly I loved it and I would do it again. It was a good time

[@HotDogTimeMachine385]

It's nice to have more people you can snuggle with and stay over. More people who you can find comfort with. And if you're tired they have someone else to spend time with too. And more people your partners can find comfort with so all their problems don't fall onto you.

[@Mylittlestcorner]

Yes yes yes exactly

[@missnaomi613]

Yes! Why don't more people see this?!

[@PlatinumAltaria]

As a monogamous person who was briefly in a polyamorous relationship which didn't end well... these people are unhinged. You don't need to care about any relationships you are not a part of!

[@StealthheartDraws]

I was never poly but my husband was at the start of our relationship. I had no issues with it

[@ValenShadowpaw]

I'm in a poly relationship, with some BDSM mixed in, and it's actually the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. What some people don't seem to take into account is that if one partner has a higher libido than the other then that can cause friction in the relationship as one partner is either not getting their needs met, or the other one is getting pushed into having more se than they want to, and that as long as everyone in the relationship knows what's going on and is happy with it then it's still a healthy relationship. Comunication and respecting each other's boundaries are the key, not just in poly or BDSM situations, but for relationships as a whole.

[@MayonakaMidnighter]

I genuinely hate how sexualized my existence is, as a nonbinary poly person, who visually fits the "mold" it really bothers me how much it's fantasized about and how little is known about the communication and mutual aid functions of polyamory are completely ignored.

[@garak_on_b5679]

I don't understand, if they don't want to be in a poly relationship, then just refuse it, why would they judge other people's relationship... just get a life or something, it's none of their business.

[@mollipopster]

It’s so strange to see people in the LGBTQIA+ community (who experience hate for their identity/relationships because it doesn’t fit into someone else’s understanding of identity/relationships) then turn around and hate others for their identity/relationships because it doesn’t fit into their understanding of identity/relationships. Of course there are bad actors, but (as was rightly pointed out here) there are bad actors in every community. Finding happiness is HARD. When someone succeeds at finding happiness, let’s just be happy for them! Also you are both so thoughtful and lovely. Thank you! ❤

[@what1._.1]

Exactly, why they do this to the others? Few years ago I didn't know polyamorous is a thing and to be honest at first I thought it was a bad thing but I didn't let it to what I think and Googled it turns out that they are just other queer people who want to enjoy their romantic and sexual life just like us nothing more of course there's will be some bad ones there's always ones in every community Now I have a 3 love birds in a polytheism relationship, and she loves both of her wife and husband😂💛❤

[@Lutan_the_fey]

I am just (again) confused why this is a reason to hate someone. But some people seem to just generally reject everything that they are not used to. And yes, I am polyamorous and ace, it is really funny to me that, by sexualising it so much, people tell a lot more about themselves than they might realise. It is also very true that a relationship triangle is incredibly hard to archieve and maintain. So far I experienced that only once and it was great while it lasted, but it sadly did not do so for very long.

[@RRW359]

It's always weird as someone with little-no interest in sex or romance to be more accepting of polyamory then the majority of people do.

[@stargrace420]

I see a lot of local queer monog people rag on poly people as if we're to blame for their personal dating struggles 😭 I've seen so many posts on local apps implying that there being so many (visible) polyamorous people shrinks their personal dating pool. Which, even the idea behind that is gross, it's like a straight dude complaining lesbians shrink *their* dating pool.

[@ferninthehouse]

also why do people act like being mono means you can't date someone that's poly. if you don't want multiple partners you don't have to have multiple, but your poly partner can still have other partners without you being involved. obviously a lot of mono people will get jealous and that's understandable but it's not 100% out of the question.

[@thisolddown]

@@stargrace420 you are misunderstanding. It isn’t a numbers thing, it’s the change in attitude. It’s the abuse people have gone through. It’s the lies and manipulation.

[@thisolddown]

@@ferninthehouse Because that isn’t what they want! Thats cheating to them. Get real! Mono People want a truly loving and closed relationship. Not an open one.

[@CollinGerberding]

@@ferninthehouse "but your poly partner can still have other partners without you being involved." nope. That means you're part of a polyamorous relationship, you're just abstaining from dating other people. Letting your partner date other people means you're in a open relationship. It doesn't matter if you don't partake.

[@jimmyrrpage]

@@ferninthehouse Unfortunately that *is* what being mono means for a *lot* of people. A monogamous relationship is monogamous on both sides rather than on one side.

[@Equippedwithpans]

I'm a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship. And while I love and adore my man, I always feel like something's distinctly missing, and I felt it for a moment, platonically, for just a moment once I was on a vacation with a bunch of my friends, we were all staying over at my friend's place. It was 8 of us all in one house. I wake up early every morning, like 4 am kind of early. So I decided to be nice and make breakfast for everyone, realizing just how much food it took to satisfy everyone, cooking it all took a lot of time, and I used up almost all the house's bacon and eggs! Then everyone came down, thanked me, and had their food. I sat around (having already eaten my fill beforehand) and just, felt warm and fuzzy. This was what I wanted. To live with people I love, to do things for them, to be there for them. It was fleeting, but being there, in that moment? Was eye opening. I wish I could have that, but even if I get into some poly relationships, I doubt I'll have that moment in a romantic context thats fine, guess that's just, dream life type of fantasy.

[@Axolotl_e]

i'm not polyamorous, but i am ambiamorous (would be fine with either relationship structure) but yeah. poly discourse is goofy

[@Indigo_Shard]

I've heard a lot of people talk about how poly relationships can't work and shouldn't exist because one will get jealous of someone else and ruin things but people get jealous in a monogamous relationship too of exes, friends anyone really and I think that depends on the person in the relationship and if we based on weather a relationship should exist on if it can't go wrong then no relationships of any kind can exist because if people aren't willing to communicate it'll go wrong anyway. Sorry for the rant but if everyone is an adult and follow the grounds of the relationship and no one gets hurt I don't care.

[@Mythic_Fire]

This is exactly how I feel! Thank you for putting it into words!

[@IamBored22]

I personally never liked the idea of myself having more than one partner, but that's just my preference. I just can't underatand why do these people care if someone has more than one partner? If it's agreed by every person in the poly relationship, it's 100% fine

[@thisolddown]

Because it’s an excuse for manipulation.

[@Rubycule]

If not everyone in the relationship has given (enthusiastic) consent, it is not polyamory.

[@thisolddown]

@@IamBored22 because it is 9 out of 10 a coerced or manipulated agreement. If you aren’t meeting your partner’s other partners and at least hanging out and spending time with them. Then it isn’t what they say it is! If you don’t get along or are icked out by the other partners, run!

[@IamBored22]

@@Rubycule thank you for pointing that out, I won't make the same mistake again. But you do know what I meant Also, it might be 'cause english is not my native language, and I'm at the same time learning spanish and norwegian, and reading books in Old‐Norse, please be understanding. But I see what I said wrong.

[@IamBored22]

@@thisolddown but for the sake of argument I asummed that it's an ideal relationship. Ofc, if any relationship involves you not being treated right you obviously run

[@LiamODonovan-l6e]

Polyamous are valid, beautiful people. I love your channel. You are always interesting

[@NinyaFrick]

Polygamy and polyamory are fairly different, but thank you ❤

[@LiamODonovan-l6e]

@@NinyaFrick I meant to say polyamerous don't know where I got the g from

[@NinyaFrick]

@@LiamODonovan-l6e ohhhh okay

[@LiamODonovan-l6e]

@NinyaFrick my mistake. Thanks for pointing it out

[@ash_g8st944]

10:29 why do people always need to attack other peoples appearances like can we stop it’s so eww (polyamorous people are valid)

[@lilykatmoon4508]

I’ve learned that for myself, if I have a strong negative reaction to the idea of something like polyamory, it’s a sign for me to dig deeper. As I come into my queerness in my fifties, I find that it’s an idea I’m more open too. It’s because I’m ace (probably Demi but still figuring stuff out), but definitely homo-romantic, the idea of polyamory seems more approachable to me as an idea. I love the idea of an asexual polycule. In any case, I definitely think it fits in with the LGBT umbrella because it’s definitely a non traditional romantic concept. I think there’s so much negativity because we have thousands of years of heteronormative, traditional relationships as the gold standard, and it’s going to take a while for people to open up towards this type of relationship structure.

[@CamToad]

I am a trans masc with three amazing partners. Two of which are trans like I am. My nesting partner is cis. Although because I'm early in transition alot of people assume my fiance is dating two women. And whenever I'm out with my other trans lovers we are labeled as "lesbian" and it is frustrating. But we all communicate and talk if anyone new is entering our relationship. So it can be done. It's just a matter of balance

[@alexhill1323]

Cis het poly guy here. Poly is absolutely an orientation and not a kink. If you're poly, you can't turn it off and it really sucks when cheaters use our label to justify their behavior. I'm in a rather large polycule and my polycule has Van der Walz interactions with other polycules. We maintain healthy relationships through radical honesty, which is like brutal honesty but out of kindness rather than pettiness. Honestly, the folks on tiktok pushing the anti-poly "discourse" strike me as people who are too immature to see past their own experiences, which is fine because they are basically children seeking validation. We're the punching bag of the week and they don't see how sowing division in the community makes them easier to isolate and oppress. The upside of being poly is that we inherently have the numbers. I hope those kids never know what it's like to need our help, but when they inevitably do, I hope they learn a little humility and that solidarity protects all of us.

[@AngryMusicTheoryNerd]

I used to be polyaramous, and it was a lot for me. However, I don't care if you're somebody like that. My only piece of advice is it can be a lot.

[@MaritzaEsposito-jq8sf]

As someone in a poly relationship poly is a normal

[@janistransbian]

the 1 who said "polyamorous people are ugly" lied. there are no ugly people. everybody looks good all the time. everybody is beautiful all the time. i'm polyamorous AND drop dead gorgeous. i'm also gay and trans. polyamory isn't hurting anybody. these people are acting like bigots.

[@daddywiggle4586]

preach!

[@Pinkiepie-c8i]

I don’t mind if people are bi,lesbian,gay for men or even if your poly I don’t mind straight people either I think they are cool in their own ways

[@unlikelygamer]

This sounds like something I as an ace would say lol

[@amyallen6863]

Aaaaaand this is why solid poly rep is so important. People just need to see how it can be viable and they'll start to warm to it as a concept.

[@StarsStillHere]

I was always confused by poly, until I got into my own poly relationship. All of my partners (3) and myself are queer and on the nonbinary spectrum. Now I understand how beautiful it can be. So this whole vid just pissed me off 🥲

[@edspace.]

While I don't know what the discourse is like in America but over here there does seem to be a lot less discussion of polyamory, and when it does often getting conflated with polygamy and framed as a form of male control over women (with some Orientalist, Islamophobic and anti-immigration imagery thrown in for good measure) and of course people in LGBTQIA+ spaces who remember the days of Clause 28 (which was repealed when I was 10) and so can get quite defensive of the ideal of the same-sex couple (specifically one which is the same as the amatonormative heterosexual couple except the gender of both are the same) with the fear that allowing association with polyamory would necessarily undermine the work to achieve queer respectability which has been done.

[@gender_anarchist]

I've been trying to do poly right since the 1990s. I know it can be done but as an asexual, panromantic, AFAB gender anarchist with crippling social anxiety disorder and OCD, the person would have to be spectacular for me to alter my current lifestyle even a little bit

[@Ian_Jules]

Everyone has different wants and energy levels. What's healthy for one person may not work at all for someone else. Queer, for me, is about patterns of attraction and emotional connection that don't follow normative social scripts or expectations. Poly arrangements are certainly outside the norm in many places. A lot of the judgement, I think, has to do with insecurity. Most of us feel insecure at some point and no one wants to feel shut out of loving relationships.

[@danny2481]

I’m polyamorous. I think polyphobes are just jealous I can commit to multiple relationships that are all fulfilling lol.

[@seraphinaLL]

For what it's worth, I'm a transwoman who's only attracted to men. I'm dating two guys... But one's genderqueer and the other's pan. So we're all queer in some way or another, I guess. But it *is* heterosexual.

[@Tankekraft]

this is the het poly rep I'm looking for

[@Nekochukinch]

11:45 This is crazy to me because I've had the complete opposite experiences. 0 1 cis man and 2 cis women. Mostly queer people, trans people or 1 cis woman and cis men in a triad.

[@missnaomi613]

-What gave me a really bad first impression of non-monogamy, was documentaries about polygamous cults. *It's not the same thing!* Also, what you said about cis-het dudes that just want to cheat, but call it something else. -Poly-flexible! That's me. 😃 -WTF was that about polyam people belonging in the BDSM community?! Sorry, but that's definitely NOT me! (No offence! To each their own!) -"The more we just tie people's value to their looks, the less we actually give a 💩 about humanity." Exactly! -This was a good one. Thank you to Sumi for contributing today!

[@alwaysfabulous9965]

As a polyam aroace im not surprised and glad i avoid certain parts of the internet.

[@friedasimonetta7287]

Tbh, for the longest time, I didn't realize that polyamorous relationships were even a part of the LGBT+ community. While I remember when I figured this out, I always thought there were only 2 types of relationships (this doesn’t include gay/lesbian, bi, pan, etc., since this is more related to how many people you date and not the gender of the person you’re dating with [or not being in love with someone]). Those 2 were monogamous and polyamorous.

[@Uragan00829]

My reaction towards polyarmorious relantionships was like "WTF how does it even work it's soo weird dog..." But I realised since then that judging people like that based on what you find "normal" is just... wrong (finding out I am queer helped a lot since I am part of a group that gets missunderstood a lot so I can relate!)

[@markanstrom2981]

I'm ace, aro, and extremely introverted. The idea of having *one* partner that I have to come home and share my time, energy, and peace with makes me uncomfortable - how am I supposed to recharge my batteries if there's somebody else in my space? One's bad enough. But two? Or more? And these people actually make it *work*??? And are *happy*??? The thought of it makes me laugh at the strangeness of the universe that we share. And I hope they can look at my orientation and find some humor in it too. What different cups of tea the both of us enjoy!

[@virsonyx]

POLY PEOPLE ARE BASEDDD

[@juntsmoka]

based at not having self control

[@virsonyx]

@@juntsmoka coward.

[@virsonyx]

@@juntsmoka Awwe poor baby- who hurt you to cause that brain damage?

[@juntsmoka]

@@virsonyx ....i'm gonna let you sit with this comment as you're probably 14 and dont know any better

[@virsonyx]

@@juntsmoka I’m an adult who has been cheated on before. The difference is that I took the time to understand why and my life has been better ever since.

[@TurbopropPuppy]

monogamous people have consistently been some of the most wildly insecure people i've ever known, but yeah, sure, polyamory is the problem, not them people who get so jealous of their partners' other relationships and of the relationships of other people in their lives, and are constantly paranoid about infidelity, should maybe seek healthier relationships in their life, idk

[@marcmaster7911]

I’d feel safer with someone if someone else is there. I always want to be safe

[@HappyBuffalo347]

I am deeply offended by polyamoury being put under the kink label. I'm poly and I don't see anything kinky about it. To me it is the most vanilla and natural thing in the world. And that woman who was only poly with men? Well she was never poly. Some people are poly and some people do poly, so I guess she was "doing poly". But rather than claiming a poly identity while in relationships with men maybe she should just admit that she was still trying to figure out her identity as a bisexual homoromantic person during that time. Also, hot take: most people are ugly and if you got all monog couples to post pictures of themselves you would see the same ratio of pretty:ugly as poly people

[@F3rn_th3_silly2]

I have 2 partners and I love them equally

[@UntamedSimmer]

My husband and I are in a polyamory, I'm pansexual and he's bisexual. Our current partner is nonbinary while I'm a transman and my husband is cis man, we are a happy throuple but we also date others as well and we have a lot of trust in each other.

[@Stachelbeeerchen]

I had a nasty dispute under a KZbin comment section accusing every polygamous/polysexual/polyromantic person as "an excuse for cheating" (they used way harsher words) Disregarding the fact that poly people talk to their partners about relationship dynamics, boundaries, consent and open communication about desires and expectations. It's part of the culture to be thorough in those discussions.

[@bespectacledheroine7292]

I feel like if I had a choice between being forced to be gay or forced to be poly I would choose gay in a heartbeat, and even I, as a deeply monogamous person, have only ever been very much in favor of people feeling empowered to be polyamorous. Why would I want to date someone who felt like being with me was too confining instead of what they'd willingly choose? It's bizarre. People who hate on poly folk reek of being insecure in their own choices. Happy people don't care what others are doing. I resent when I'm told "monogamy doesn't really exist" so why would I invalidate others that way? Treat others as you'd like to be treated.

[@bladygw2]

I really enjoyed this video, can you do more videos together reacting to tiktoks or talking about polyamory? ❤

[@lynnsaga1397]

I'll see what I can do they don't like being on camera much But maybe if there are more positive comments like this one I can convince them 🙏🙏🙏

[@sidekickghost]

One of my first relationships was being in a throuple with a guy and a girl that I was really good friends with. It didn’t last long and it was rough when we parted ways but I learned a lot about myself and I don’t regret it at all, it was awesome and if the right people came along I’d do it again

[@eagletscosplaycloset3793]

As a polyamorous person who’s been watching a lot of anti-Mormon content recently, I kind of hate how much they talk about polygamy like it’s inherently weird and a problem. Polygamy wasn’t the problem, it was everything else! The Mormon church is no better now that they’ve stopped practicing polygamy. So many people just see polyamory, think “weird” and build their beliefs based off that instead of trying to understand our experiences and relationships.

[@wi1lowsm1th44]

I'm currently 7 months into being a poly relationship, and it's been a success so far, and I'm as happy as I can be at the moment

[@fadedtyrant1604]

The comments about looks often come off like sour grapes. "How do they manage to have n+ partners? Well, whatever, they're all ugly and I would never want any of them anyway." Last I checked, most people I've known in my life (mono or not) are average-looking, definitionally. Is there some ugly threshold for when people don't "deserve" sex and romance? I wonder if such a threshold would just so happen to be heavily informed by sexist or queer-phobic ideologies... It could be I'm just defensive because I'm a mediocre fat man who's nonmonogamous. My comment: utterly discredited!

[@kenofken9458]

Most of the true haters of polyamory are male incels who can't even get one partner.

[@Valkyrja90]

As an aroace, I came to think romantic monogamous people can be pretty nasty demanding a lot of stuff and not even offering you an actual partnership. While non monogamous people tend to be much more respecting and caring.

[@storyspinner70]

My last relationship lasted five years and was with a man and his wife, and we were eventually a triad. We all saw other people in different ways while we were together--he and his wife had brief forays into other relationships, while I stuck with mostly hookups here or there. There are endless variations. The relationship ended when they went through a hard divorce, but I'm still friends with them. I've been in other poly relationships that didn't work (mostly FF+), because people weren't mature and/or didn't know how to clearly discuss issues (including myself sometimes). Jealousy is going to be a thing, along with hurt and anger and suspicion sometimes. People are people and people are messy. You just gotta talk it out and that can be hard. I am kinky, but I don't consider being poly a kink. It's loving and caring the same way single partner couples do. Great video and discussion!!!

[@natchnieni0]

In my experience, Polyamorous ppl are not all CIS/HET. I've known BI's and Pans of each gender. Also, I am, and my circles are generally Gen-X.

[@EmilyDragonQueen]

As a Polyamorous Queer Trans Woman, I have been unicorn hunted by couples. 😢

[@EddieRaynethegenderflui-if1pp]

im polyamorous and i personally am romantically into everyone and asexual for guys and i have a gf with a crush on a guy. so when someone says: "its all about sex" i look at em like: 😐 'guess i dont exist'

[@fredericksaxton9782]

It's wild to me because some of these are the same/similar arguments homophobes and transphobes use. Like, you talk about gay people and the first thing homophobes think of and say is "Ew, I just am disgusting at the idea of two men having sex." Uhhh...okay??? No one told you to think about that. That sounds like a you problem. Do you think like that for every straight couple you see????? Also same argument for being "ugly". "Oh, you're not really gay, you just couldn't get a woman!" Or the whole "Being poly is just a cover for being bad at relationship." Gives me similar vibes to the lies like "gay people must be attracted to kids" or "being trans is just a disguise for spying on women and little girls in the bathroom." It's always a reach, isn't it????? Always a negative assumption just because you don't like/understand something. Like, why are we attacking our own??? Especially literally using the same arguments homophobes and transphobes use against us, do people never learn?????

[@thatonemessyartist1760]

It’s not difficult to understand why people want polyamorous relationships. Even I understand this, and I had two separate relationships where my partners randomly told me they were “polyam” and started cheating without consent. Just because I had a bad experience with “polyamory” doesn't mean that it doesn't work for some people.

[@VexRavenhardt]

Poly person here. I was watching the presidential debate but i started watching this instead. W.

[@eski5084]

i have the polyamorous yearning. i would love to love more than one person and i would love to be loved by more than one person in a relationship sense, but i get intimidated by couples wanting unicorns on dating apps. maybe if i found a more organic way into a polyamorous community it would be different. until then i’m the polyam who gets the urge to kiss half my cohort on the forehead every time they say smart or insightful things, but restrain myself. thanks for talking about this topic ❤

[@uncomfysapphic8415]

I don't dislike poly ppl... I just dislike the all the poly ppl i know. but not because they are poly

[@mandyb2245]

Oh geez, why do people get so worked up over other people's relationships? They're not affected at all! These haters need to mind their own business! I tried a poly relationship once, years ago. It didn't work out, but I'm not against trying it again with different people. I say different people because one of the people I was in a poly relationship with now lives miles away from me and is in another poly relationship now, and the other person I was with passed away in 2020. Right now I'm not with anyone, and not currently interested in a romantic relationship. But in the future...I'd like to try it again.

[@cameranishere]

Thank you for the positivity ❤

[@Bubblesthewitch]

I've never loved a lot of the more hierarchical stuff that some pollyam people bring in like "primaries". That's why I moved away from calling myself pollyam and more say I practice relationship anarchy. I'm in relationships with people who use pollyam to label themselves. I really think these people are just very hierarchical thinker's who only interact with other hierarchical thinker's so they never even see the healthy relationships. Sorry if that made no sense. I promise that is the simplest way I could think to word that.

[@DrZombieMoogle]

"It's all ugly men with 2 girlfriends" Ok, so... who's winning?

[@bjam89]

My relationship with poly people is one has a cool dog and i was allowed to pet the dog. So that is a win for me

[@phantompyro6482]

I personally am in a poly relationship myself and we both have 2+ partners, we're both very happy and it breaks my heart that there are so many negative a$$ people trying to discredit or bad mouth poly relationships just cause they are monogamous or because they had a bad poly experience. Your one (or more) bad experiences don't define the group as a whole, and if being poly isn't for you, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with being poly and there's nothing wrong with being mono. Everyone has their own needs and hating on others for that is extremely uncalled for. If it's not something you enjoy/feel comfortable with, don't do it. No one is forcing you to be, or experience, poly/open relationships. And if they are, it isn't a reflection of the community but of the person trying to force it onto you

[@OpalDruscilla]

I have no problem with polyamory but after multiple experiences of having my partners partner abuse me I will never do that again. Too many dynamics I have no ability to protect myself from.

[@Dfaye9lovespoob]

Im ambiamorous, which means that I’m open to both poly and mono relationships. Im also open to open relationships (mainly because I can’t get bitches so my partner would probably be the only one with multiple partners or the only one to hook up with others). It isn’t cheating because it’s consensual. If a ‘poly’ relationship is non-consensual, it isn’t poly. If it’s not your relationship, mind your beeswax.

[@Urmumlel7025]

Me when I hate on an entire population of people:

[@icecactus11]

My idiot family member tried this and completely messed up the entire family dynamic. But that’s them because they suck noth the fault of poly.

[@TwinRiver100]

11:33 it might be where they are online and what they can see as far as seeing the polyamorus people that are considered ugly and maybe act as more bad people that give the group a bad name. There might be better looking polyamrous couples and groups around that are way better, but either they're not online and in areas where the people that could use support from them would never see them or not have access for their help and stuff and regular hang out stuff. they could be still out there but it could be a matter of finding the right word combos or something else.

[@siegfread9683]

Disclaimer i dont hate poly people on principle. But i wont date them anymore either. I have been in 3 poly relationships over my 32 years. I am mono. The first worked out well until it didnt. They discussed their wants maybe 2 months in and i wasnt comfortable with it as it was the first brush id had with the idea. We continued and had a decently healthy relationship for about a year before they brought it up again and i reaffirmed my boundaries only for it to basically happen anyway. She was only romantically polly according to her and who i later learned was the person she wanted to add in just started living with us because they "hit a rough patch" all fine and dandy until i found out it was the crush and he didnt know what rough patch i was talking about. I dont have any reason to think she did anything physically and that she was just dating him ace style seeing as he didnt seem to know he was keeping a secret. But at that point the trust was gone and yeah... Stories 2 and 3 follow the same pattern so ill only tell one of them. I really liked the person i was into. So much so that i was willing to compromise and let them date around while i was exclusive. I didnt want to stifle them and be controlling but i let them know that i just wasnt into it for myself. I dont know why that wasnt acceptable but some amount of time into the relationship i was being told that i was stifling myself and that maybe i was just worried about finding the right other person so they started trying to set me up on dates. i would tell them that im not interested in dates and i just wanted to be with them. But eventually the issue would get forced and being that they knew me well they set me up with someone im compatable with and just as i tried to explian would happen as my feelings for the new person grew my feelings for the old person diminished. And id eventually break it off. Im not sayinf all polyam folk are like this but im 3 for 3 in bad experiences so its become a full deal breaker

[@kenofken9458]

As someone poly, I don't think there's really any way for monogamous people and poly to be happy together.

[@siegfread9683]

@@kenofken9458 I'm not going to try again as stated. But I think there's a chance. Like I said I'm not an inherently jealous person and I was more or less as happy with it as any mono relationship as long as it was discussed openly and at the beginning of the relationship. Unless you are saying that the natural end result is that the poly person will try and "convert" the mono person I don't see why that couldn't work. But from personal experience I was happy for over a year in both relationships before being pushed into dating someone else at which point... Well I was dating someone else. The most it impacted my half of the relationship was that I occasionally had nights to myself which was to an extent almost preferable as my biggest issue in relationships in general is that once you move in together it's hard to have strictly "you" time.

[@kenofken9458]

@@siegfread9683 Every time I've seen a mixed relationship like that attempted, it generally boiled down to one of partners "putting up with" the other's orientation which never really resulted in happiness for either.

[@siegfread9683]

@@kenofken9458 no putting up about it. Like I said part of me was happy to have the time apart as my biggest downfall in long term relationships is that you end up constantly involved with the other and I just can't do that. Frankly it would be ideal for me to have a poly partner for that reason. But as stated nearly every one I've tried to be with seems to feel I'm limiting myself and wants to get me to change that aspect.

[@littlecatfeet9064]

Well, if it works. I’ve known a couple of poly relationships and everyone involved was either constantly crying, online stalking to see who was up to what, breaking up or deciding they want to go monogamous. Then there was one where the trans partner was constantly chasing me in my monogamous relationship, despite my repeatedly saying no. This is someone who had 3 partners already. But I’m sure it can work. Somewhere.

[@notahidanfangirl]

I feel like I know who you’re talking about, and yeah. They’re just abusive people. It’s nothing to do with polyamory anymore then when monogamous people are abusive, don’t respect boundaries and the word no, etc. Hope you’re doing better now that they aren’t in your life ❤️

[@littlecatfeet9064]

@@notahidanfangirl Definitely! To be fair, they didn’t affect my life much. Having decided to be monogamous (including not sleeping with them secretly while being with someone else else), my life became so much calmer.

[@eagletscosplaycloset3793]

Idk why you mentioned they were trans…

[@thisolddown]

12:00 how strange a closed triad is the only way I’ve ever seen it actually work for more than a few months.

[@Zoe.Phoenix]

KZbin ate my post, ok take 2. I just got out of a poly relationship in which I gave my GF permission to sleep with someone i know and after it happened I realized I was NOT ok with it and it cost me the love of my life, having said that! we identified as a lesbian couple and she was in 2 different het relationships with straight cis men and I was completely ok with that (it hits different once you met your metas no joke!) So being a few minutes into the video I already disagree with your guest! People practicing poly or enm have orientations but they themselves do not fall under the queer umbrella and most I think don't want to. I am just going to leave this here from the r/polyamory subreddit rules: 9 There is no “P” in the LGBTQIA+ There are gay, cis, het, asexual, allosexual, bi, intersex, straight, trans and non-binary people who identify as polyam, to name a few. Polyam is an identity, but it not exclusively a queer identity. The discussion around if polyam should be included in the LGBTQIA+ should be hosted elsewhere, in queer centered spaces. It is a discussion centered on queer people, and deserves respectful, queer centered discourse. So yes, this is 100% the place to have that discussion but as a trans lesbian I am sorry, they can be the greatest allies in the world and come to pride with me but they do not get a free pass into the queer community just because they have multiple cis het relationships going on.

[@girlwithtehface5880]

It's so strange to me when people call poly an excuse to cheat. It's not, if you cheat you're cheating on more than one partner. 10:30 "What are you doing in my community," How dare you? It's OUR community, comrade, that's what a community is. Saying "my community" is exactly backward. One person can never be a community, or speak for a whole community without hearing from them. Also the kink community has a huge overlap and allyship with the queer community.

[@lauroralei]

My experience of poly so far is either dudes with ADHD wanting a variety of holes to stick it in due to lack of ability to be satisfied with one, or queer people in quite unsustainable co-dependent situations. That's not to say healthy situations of multiple partners can't exist outside social media portrayals - I am just yet to see it play out in the communities I move in.

[@kenofken9458]

Why is inability to be satisfied with one inherently unhealthy?

[@PepperChandler-zz2uh]

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[@JackieM00se]

Polyamory is a logistics issue

[@thisolddown]

7:00: She finally figures herself out, and you think it’s a disservice? She now knows herself and can be real and honest. The blame doesn’t go on her, it’s comphet and the lack of understanding about SAM. Now she knows. Now everyone else knows to. Now the communication can happen. I think what bothers you is that this story plays out, more often than not. He’s not manly enough, her tits aren’t big enough, he doesn’t satisfy her, she’s ace. It isn’t really love. They are “Poly” because they aren’t actually in love. Aromantics get an especially bad rep because before they know. And often after, they don’t communicate. Who wants to be in love with someone who isn’t going to love them back? And we all know an “aromantic” who was until they found the one. Let’s be honest. As poly has become more common, it has also become, more often than not, an excuse for very bad behavior.

[@llynxfyremusic]

Yeah that was so weird. She was being earnest but because she fits into a straight stereotype she can't talk about it? That's disappointing and I feel like talking like that goes against the values of the queer community.

[@thisolddown]

@@llynxfyremusic it’s not a strait stereotype. She figured out she is homoromantic, she should be congratulated.

[@thisolddown]

13:30 kink is toxic! Kink is an excuse for consent issues. No matter how much they say it isn’t. It’s hierarchy and power structure and manipulation and SA.

[@girlwithtehface5880]

That's incorrect, reductive, and incredibly harmful.

[@HotDogTimeMachine385]

The most common kink is feet, are you saying liking feet is toxic, manipulative and SA?

[@thisolddown]

@@HotDogTimeMachine385 “kink” in this context is clearly BDSM.

[@thisolddown]

@@HotDogTimeMachine385 and you knew that is what she meant and what I was responding to.

[@llynxfyremusic]

No it isn't. The core pillar of kink communities is safety and communication. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but it is not toxic.