I Lost My Job Today! (Autistic Communication Challenges)

Have you ever lost your job unexpectedly? Was there a miscommunication or misunderstanding? Did others react badly to something you did or said?
Sometimes autistic communication is hard for others to understand, but there are a few ways we can help avoid awkward misunderstandings. In this video, I share a story about losing a job (on the first day) due to communication challenges and the resulting reactions of others.
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:37 - My friend's story of losing her job after being diagnosed as Autistic
01:37 - Other people's reactions to her unconventional response about losing her job
03:24 - Responding to outward expression
04:00 - The result of going off the neurotypical "script"
05:39 - Lesson of the story: Other people don't know how to respond if Autistic people behave in an unconventional way (they feel awkward)
07:55 - Leave a comment about 'How do you communicate and how do people react to you?'
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
-----------------------------------------------
// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thirty.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: [e-mail]
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul

[@mordaciousfilms]

We need to try to move the world away from small talk and fibbing. If I am NOT doing well I'm going to speak honestly. I prefer when people are honest and open. It's weird and feels inauthentic when people pretend to be happy and expect me to lie about how I feel... I see that not as an Autistic issue but an issue with societal expectations not matching authentic human emotions and needs.

[@Espisnails]

Right thank you why are we pretending we’re gonna die one day is all I think

[@234dream_big]

Agree

[@kbeautician]

Everything. 💯Facts. The lies, the fakeness, the offense at truth and honesty IS SILLY AND RIDICULOUS. #manipulation #weakminded #FAKEWOKE

[@trunkmonkey9417]

Yes. Tell me plainly, and be honest. It might sting, but better that, than the dark maze of mirrored walls I have to try and navigate, and hope I figure it out quick enough what the message being communicated.

[@maartenraps3076]

I tend to agree. But there are moments in which you prefer not to talk about it, or not want anyone to know something is up. There are some unspoken rules about speaking of personal issues, e.g. when meeting new people or work gatherings. Venting about things that are going on in your life on a personal level is often not what people are waiting for, but it is also rude to cut you off and say you dont want to listen to your problems atm. I wish it was this black and white. That you are allowed to just say: Sorry, but I prefer not to discuss this right now. Also when someone starts telling their life story to you.

[@karanseraph]

if someone said "I lost my job today" in an awkwardly perky tone, I would guess that they did lose their job, but were trying very hard to not fall apart and ended up sounding positive...because they were trying to not feel it was the end of the world. I've lost jobs and that's often how I felt. I actually lost my previous job at the end of February and I did feel weirdly relieved in that case -not because I didn't want employment - because there had been months of stressful "one on one chats" with my boss that left me feeling like everything I was trying to communicate wasn't coming across, and I felt like the job I thought I had wasn't the job my boss thought I had and I'd end up in literal tears. I was just glad for the miscommunication to end, even though I liked the nature of the work and could really use the income. like, I was better for that call to be made than deal with not knowing every day what was going to go wrong.

[@michaelbailey3666]

I hate 1:1s. All the jobs seem to have them now. Someone must have wrote a book.

[@naomitheminion6275]

or it could mean "I lost my job today. I am actually relieved and excited because I hated that job, and I now have an excuse to do something else."

[@garyhintz6721]

I came to eventually realize that after that first one on one meeting the end was coming and it was time to start aggressively looking for another job. Amazing how many jobs I had over the course of my lifetime. Too many to count.

[@sparehead1]

I've noticed that the more "normal" the person is or seems the less likely they are to enjoy my company so I've developed a bit of an aversion to them because it feels like it's only a matter of time before they realise I'm not one of them. It's why I dread work social events. They are so much effort to appear like a version of myself that work would like to hang out with so that I don't get branded as a bad fit. It took me a while but I learnt to stop saying "You're clearly not ok, what's going on." to everyone. Now it's just for close friends and family.

[@theodorealenas3171]

That first phrase was gold. I heard live heavy metal and went there to peek, and I felt unexpectedly nice. Everyone was weird! So long as I stood silent, avoided eye contact, and looked as if I was high on cocaine ready to kill someone, I didn't have to do anything cognitive to fit in.

[@Dani004able]

Most people I work with already know that I am autistic and I warned them, that I will come across weirdly sometimes. They know I work on that and don’t judge me for that. So that is fine. Also, I think it is very worth it to figure out how to correctly interact with neurotypical people because there are so many of the and they function very similar. So what works for one NT, usually fit the next NT also quite well. ^^

[@PraveenSrJ01]

@rowan orre I don’t enjoy random social events either!

[@various_artists]

how do you get our of work events without sounding rude?

[@justinbiondi]

@@various_artists Be honest. It actually works. Says wow I hope you all have a great time, but it's not really my thing. OR say I can go but only for X amount of time. If you can handle 30 minutes, go 30 minutes. I would try to do your best to go to these things, because it's the best chance for people to get to know you. Be yourself, and when you hit your limit say so and bounce.

[@deb_diaries]

I am NT and get sick of the societal script. I love that you asked people, "What is your superpower?" However, I realize that could be off-putting to some people. Hearing about how others make their living (aka their work) often bores me and doesn't tell me much about them. So, instead of asking "What do you do for a living?" I ask people, "What do you like to do? How do you like to use your time?" Their reply usually generates interesting conversation and allows me to learn about the person. It is much more pleasant to hear about their hobbies/interests and their goals and aspirations instead of their job.

[@Derek_Garnham]

I like you already Deb

[@danielperales3958]

Thanks for what you are bringing to the world! If people made this question more often...

[@Dancestar1981]

Hate it when they want to know what job you when I don’t have one

[@Spirilien]

Yes most people don't like their job. Maybe in an ideal world it would be the same as doing what you like, but most people are not there yet.

[@RosscoAW]

Most neurotypical social standards don't seem to be a result of NTs designing the world to be "comfortable" or efficient for themselves, either. Frankly, NT social scripting in Western liberal democracies seems almost entirely dedicated to distracting neurotypicals from the vagaries and overwhelming depression and oppression of the capitalist socioeconomic structures that have been constricted around humanity in recent centuries. From what I can tell neurotypical social conventions are doing exactly what they're intended to do: perpetuate conservative social standards, oppress those that do not conform with conservative Eurocentric ideals most closely, ensure the labour force remains pliable and "efficient," and minimize or outright prevent any and all forms of social progress away from that standard (except when rabble politics by popularity contest dictates otherwise).

[@kirstenvine6461]

I can empathise with the unconventional response. I got told my responses were very unconventional when I said I really didn't want to work somewhere where I was not valued and wanted. By demonising some of my pretty mild and unoffensive autistic traits of gentle honesty and enthusiastic dedication I figured they didn't deserve my work ethic. The Council I worked at became very toxic, backstabbing with numerous false accusations I had to constantly prove were untrue. Very exhausting. The upside is that it taught me to keep a good work diary and to know my worth, which I didn't do well beforehand. Now I've peaked with my dream job with good pay and my company loves my honesty and autistic special interests

[@scottfw7169]

That, "The Council I worked at became very toxic, backstabbing with numerous false accusations", sounds like what has been heard from multiple sources about our little farm burg's city government: but how can that be happening when pop psychology and secular humanism are insisting people are basically good???

[@gbjanuary]

@rowan orre yes if other workers don’t like you they will get you out.

[@johnrice1943]

@@melissawalker7570 neurotypical

[@gbjanuary]

@rowan orre I haven’t had same experiences as my work is above standard which why it can only be for other reason.

[@ClaireAKokE]

@rowan orre it happens way more for autistic people because we don’t always understand what’s happening and how to avoid it and also our issues with communication and socializing make ppl more likely to feel off about us, and not like us because of that. It’s definitely much harder for autistic ppl to keep a job and be liked at one for those reasons and I wouldn’t minimize that.

[@d.c.monday4153]

I learned a long time ago that when people ask you how you are, they don't really want you to tell them, they want you to answer in a socially appropriate manner and use the approved monosyllabic response of "Fine" or "Good". You can add a "Thank you" to that response if you want, but it really isn't necessary. If you tell them how you are, their eyes glaze over and they try to get away from you ASAP. I smile most of the time usually, but this is considered to be inappropriate at times, so I have learned a range of expressions that are situationally appropriate and do not make the other person feel uncomfortable. If I have bad news, I then look down and tell them, if I have good news, then my smile comes back and that seems to be successful. Sometimes I do not get the right expression and they frown, then I know I have got something wrong. But I am somewhat like the Rain Man and have a really good memory, so I put all these lessons in my memory banks for future reference. I am 79 and in the process of teaching my grandson - also autistic - some of the tips. Seems to help.

[@TKsTeahouse]

truth

[@deathsoulger1]

It's the human equivalent of Moo!

[@lisawanderess]

So true! Me too… I’ve learned to say the required response: Good thanks how are you? But I still struggle to understand why people bother to ask if they don’t actually want to know. 🤔

[@d.c.monday4153]

@@danielallan8061 I know that. Why ask a question if you don't expect or want an answer? It seems silly to me.

[@lucifermorningstar4606]

"fair to middling, you?"... always my go too response. As for super powers, I can tell what someone ate based on farts... Sadly never appropriate in any given situation... I can also hear dog whistles... Meaning I can hear electrical faults in devices like faulty phone chargers... Telling a person what they ate last night, that they are currently ovulating and that their phone charger is going to cause an electrical fire is not socially acceptable.

[@maidende8280]

How do you detect ovulation & are you sure it’s not peak fertility you’re detecting (which occurs 2-3 days prior to actual O)?

[@YesBruv105]

Yeah, 'not bad' is my go to response.

[@rebeccamay6420]

"Fair to Middlin' " was my grandfather's typical response! 🤗 I have similar super powers: in addition to noticing food scents in burps and farts, I can detect and sniff-out the source of mold before anyone else notices -- most especially Moldy Citrus, which smells like ethyl alcohol fumes. I can hear All The Things that other people wouldn't notice. I can even FEEL SOUND, as though my inner ears are being struck by a physical object. Being in a noisy environment for an extended time makes my whole head buzz, and it continues for a while after leaving the area. Very Exhausting!

[@salyluz6535]

I have always hated small talk- it seems so pointless to me! I wanted to get to meaningful genuine conversations, so I can really relate to what you’re saying. Somewhere along the way I learned that most people are not ready for a genuine deep conversation much of the time, and that many work/school settings were not the appropriate time or place for them. I have learned who I can be real with; and that with most people I don’t know, it’s usually better off to just be polite and kind because they are not going to be part of my life.

[@theodorealenas3171]

I find it's plausible to communicate real feelings. But it's a slow multi stage process. You start with some plain back and forth so they get to see some pattern in how you talk, and adapt to it. They're good at this. Then you slowly turn the mood. At any moment they might leave a hint that they aren't into any more of that mood. So you see roughly where it's safe to stay. Then, you say things they can expand upon with their own stories, and you give them opportunities to do that. The system is rather sophisticated for our broken skills but it's worth getting competent at it. It's not random or pointless. I'm not good at it though and I hope to get better. Best of luck either way

[@salyluz6535]

@Theodore Alenas: I appreciate you sharing your strategy! It sounds very interesting & helpful. I would have to write it out on an index card to remember all the steps, but maybe I can just do the first one and see how that goes. If it goes well then later I could work on adding the second one etc. Thanks for sharing!

[@tlc6756]

Very well said.

[@DeniseCummins]

Although it is said that Aspies "mask" and "behave inappropriately", the truth is that neurotypicals usually can't handle the degree of honesty and directness with which Aspies communicate. As Paul says, you can't stray from the conventional script if you want to avoid being avoided or rejected (or cancelled!). Here's an example of what I mean: Neurotypical 1: How do you like my new haircut? Neurotypical 2 and Aspie (thinking): It looks terrible. I don't like it. Neurotypical 2 (speaking): Great! It looks terrific! I really like it! (Then snickers behind neurotypical 1's back and tells others how ridiculous they think the haircut is.) Aspie (speaking): It looks terrible. I don't like it. Neurotypical 1 and 2: What! How can you be so mean! Neurotypical 1 and 2 "cancel" their relationship with Aspie and avoid Aspie whenever possible.

[@rebeccamay6420]

Literal, Honest, Will Say It Without a Filter Although Not Intending to Insult... yeh, Neurotypicals don't feel comfortable with that. They like, as the expression goes, having their ears tickled. Tell them what they want to hear, even if it isn't true, and they're happy. They don't want to hear Truth if it is scary, inconvenient, differs from their thinking pattern, is uncomfortable, or even painful.

[@artr0x93]

I'm not a fan of the premier thing, they make it look like there's a video in the feed and once it really comes out I've seen the thumbnail so many times I assume it's an old video :(

[@utisti4976]

Yeah I really hate the premiere thing too. It's very stupid for that reason. :(

[@zippythinginvention]

Premieres are also awkward because I'll typically wind up tuning in part way into the stream-like video an miss the beginning. I really don't understand the benefit.

[@aikou2886]

Same thing, I hate the premiere feature.

[@artisticautistic9664]

I see it won't let me watch it so I move on and forget it exists. Most of the time I don't watch it until months later.

[@kelseysmith3297]

I feel the same. If the premiere thing was an hour before. I'd prefer that. But days before means I'm less likely to watch because I think I have.

[@christineh86]

One thing to also think about... To ask about superpowers or hobbies instead of work is also more inclusive. When people ask what I do for a living they make me very uncomfortable because I rarely have employment (because of disabilities), so they force me to bring up a topic I’m sad about. It gets even worse when I see that the other person feels awkward because they asked me about a sensitive topic. Most people have a favorite hobby so that’s a nicer thing to ask about , unless it’s like a business social event, then I guess it’s more natural to ask about what people do for work.

[@julitaszulc1158]

A lot of neurotipical identify with their jobs. Nds identify more witb their hobbies and passion, I guess

[@bobbybologna3029]

Yeah.. family constantly wonders why I'm the only one that's never at their dinner events. Basically because they ask about work I can't hold because I seem to constantly have a problem with my bosses.

[@samamsterdam4301]

I totally agree. Whenever people ask me what I do for a living I fell like they want to put me in a slot based on the societal pecking order. They want to know where I am in the caste system compared to them, they want to know how much money I make, they want to see if I am of use to them, or if I am worth their time. I would much rather share about my interests or hobbies than what I do for a living. What does it matter if I'm unemployed or if I'm a janitor or if I'm a doctor? Interests are a much better way to get to know who someone actually is.

[@dougdomeny]

Awkwardness caused by not following a typical script....fascinating thought...I always figured neurotypical people thought more quickly and creatively than I did in conversation.

[@emmettobrian1874]

A lot of what you've described are called phatic expressions. They're short expressions that are more geared to acknowledging someone is there. They also are intended to make A positive emotional connection. It's useful to know the term so you can study the literature on it. One thing that has vastly improved my communication is that most communication is NOT intended to convey information. It's to communicate an emotional message. Yeah that's scary but really it's usually that the person engaging in small talk is trying to get you to understand the emotion they're feeling.

[@christineh86]

The problem is that I always seem to give off emotional signals that people don’t like or that they perceived wrong, even if I try my best to be myself. I feel like people still are like in high school. Just because I don’t talk loudly and elbow myself to the front row of everything people see me as this dorky, dumb nerd or they think I’m shy like a child. I’m just a careful person, I’m not shy! I tried to play an act and behave the way people said I should act.. a bit cocky, over confident, big gestures and facial expressions, stare people in the eyes intensely (that’s how it feels like to me, the way they do it) and speak loud, but I never convinced anyone with my acting. I guess the cockiness ideal might be big city behaviors too. I might have to move back to the countryside 🤣 ! To sum up.. it’s hopeless for people to perceive my emotional state and personality accurately for some reason. I’ve heard other autistic people have the same problem.

[@emmettobrian1874]

@@christineh86 I hear you. I wrote a whole book on how to handle communication problems and it helped, but didn't eliminate all the issues I've had. There are dozens of tiny cues that we're supposed to pick up on. There are a dozen more blatant violations of those ques that people get away with because of their social rank. It's super hard to navigate.

[@bc4198]

@@emmettobrian1874 Great info, thanks! That's such a delightfully ND thing to do: "I wasn't sure about something, so I wrote myself a book about it!" ☺️

[@emmettobrian1874]

@@bc4198 yes, it's different way of working out a problem. I was doing personal research and it got to be long enough to write a book about. I've written a novel and a novella before and just thought hey I've never done a non fiction book, let's try it. It was a fun project and it helped me to spend time with the ideas and encouraged me to test them out.

[@maidende8280]

@@emmettobrian1874 Where can I get/read your works?

[@coutyl28]

The show must go on! Even when I'm feeling awful and distressed, I stick to the "good, how's your day" script no matter what. Then typically I'll go be alone and process what I need to.

[@julie8234]

I do t think people should ask 'how are you?' unless they want to actually know. The I'm fine' response is so superficial & dangerous to embedding further poor mental health/Wellbeing. I like the idea of the honesty of I've got stuff going on, let's talk about something else'. At least that's addressing the feelings existing. There is a fine line where Autistic over sharing/info dumping occurs, but just my opinion

[@Selana]

I’ve been asking people if they want the polite answer or real answer but that requires spoons to remember to do that.

[@anyascelticcreations]

I agree. But most people think they are supposed to ask. I like the idea of, I've got stuff going on, but let's talk about something else. I just usually find a creative way of saying that.

[@theodorealenas3171]

I like to think of it like the first part of a data transmission over TCP. Neurotypicals are really good at extracting a lot of information from a basic answer and lay their plan.

[@deathsoulger1]

Fvcken aye!

[@joycemelo88]

Yes!! Before my diagnosis I would always answer "I'm fine!", even though I would often be very anxious and/or depressed. It was just the script I felt I had to follow. Now, after my diagnosis, I'm having a hard time to answer this question, because I don't want to mask anymore, but I also don't want to dump everything that's going on in my life (some parts are ok and some are not, and I don't know which one I should mention). And I feel like if I talk about the things which are not ok I make the person who asked feel awkward, as they were just asking "to be polite", like that it's what expected of you to ask when meeting someone. I kind of hate that question, it's so generic and with a broad range of answers... It always takes me too much energy to answer... 😑

[@cups336]

I was run out of the workforce after 24 years over this. Between 1988 and 2012, I went through 50+ jobs. Didn't ever consider I might be on the spectrum. I was CONSTANTLY pulled into the office over complaints that had me baffled. I was offending people left & right no matter what I said or did. As for the salutation, yes... we are expected to respond enthusiastically when random strangers inquire on our wellbeing. Repeatedly. All day every day. AND we're supposed to thank them said inquiry as well., Then you must respond in kind as you become even more enthusiastic. When people ask what you do, you're supposed to sound as impressive as possible while you tell them about your highly esteemed vocation. Then you are expected to answer an indefinite series of questions about your line of work (in the most philosophical manner possible) while your inquisitor pretends to marvel over your occupation as though "they've always wanted to do that job". And yes, you are required to respond to all matters of life with superhuman mental capacity. As an undiagnosed 48-year-old woman, I've decided Autism is my superpower. Ever since I identified on the spectrum, I have been more comfortable in my skin & the less I mask, the better things really are for me. But I can't work at a normal job without people acting like they want to pass legislation to have me banned from the workforce. Good thing I have superpowers! 😅

[@bobbybologna3029]

I'm sorry, this resonates with me more than you know. I almost got into a fist fight with one of my bosses because of this nonsense.

[@rebeccamay6420]

Oh, Wow! Your story sounds like mine, so I won't say it all. Just that I've almost been fired a few times at the same job because of differences in communication. And I also realized at "forty-several" years old, that I must be Autistic/Aspie.

[@jamesnicoll8415]

I hate people asking me “how are you?”. I’d rather they just didn’t! Most of the time I don’t feel that great, but sometimes I feel okay. Their question forces me to be introspective and this can lead me to a darker place, somewhere I’d rather not go.

[@javi7636]

I've developed a few scripts for conveying different amounts of "okay" in casual conversation. I work in a customer-facing industry so I've had plenty of practice refining my small talk responses. In general I default to "I'm doing well, thanks" as that gives the most reassurance and easiest transition to get down to business. On days where I'm struggling I tend to say "It's been a busy day" or "It's [day of the week] but I'm hanging in there" or "glad to reach the end of the day/week" and the other person always fills in the rest with their imagination. People especially respond to referencing the day of the week, because they know the struggle of the weekly grind but it's also vague enough that they can interpret it whichever way makes sense to them. By the way I totally agree with what you say about NTs being the ones reliant on social scripts. Ultimately, ND scripts are just us figuring out and memorizing the hidden scripts used all around us every day. It's a shame that we get all the burden, but it is necessary to function in public.

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

This is super helpful

[@evemacdonald8654]

It is possible to be genuine, authentic and socially appropriate at the same time but may need some help with strategies. YAY!!! I remember a girl at work came in with tears in her eyes. I asked her if she was ok. She said she was REALLY mad at something that had happened but she was trying to forget about it. I thought that was a really good way to address it and be honest. I think I have only witnessed someone doing it like that once. I think we should all respond with each other this way as much as possible.

[@oflameo8927]

Yeah, when you are in a universe of your own clones.

[@readoryx373]

@@oflameo8927 I gravitate toward this response, and to the string above it. It opens up the question. It negs wherher we are or are not of one mind, whether we should: (1) strive for unison of normalcy/peace, by using tech-niques/devi-ces of honest deflection, stating to the other that there are places they are not welcome to visit with you when they merely ask how you, a complex person is doing, a person obviously different from or stating differences from (thereby making borders) the asker, or (2) Disarm and open up and reveal your complexity at all times, encouraging a painful expansion of the asker of the simple 'how are you?' to accept what they get and accept the world is not a big-box/good-bad place. This may not encourage empathy and consciousness and belonging within the painful amd awkward moment of an honest and terse answer such as "I got fired today" but it is most truthful and desirous of belonging in the long run, even if aggressive and momentarily ineffectual. I choose the latter and I appreciate the conversation.

[@bobbybologna3029]

I generally hate that it takes a strategy at all.

[@readoryx373]

@@bobbybologna3029 yeah, but in the moment, do you... respond?

[@adapederson6159]

@@readoryx373 I think also, the asker is relieved when people do not open up when they ask "how are you", (unless they are close friends). It has become more of an expression than anything as they greet someone.

[@micheller3251]

Oohhhh you just explained so many of my own experiences!!!!! I've had this experience a lot, especially when people in college would brag about their drinking habits and I would just ask them if they needed help or ressources because I genuinely thought they were crying for help 😬

[@superdavedfw]

This story reminds me of a girl I somewhat knew through a circle of friends many years ago. Her father had just passed away and she told me in a happy tone and literally smiled after she told me. I didn't know how to respond or what to think. I tried to show empathy, but my first thought was that she didn't like her father very much. I have learned since then that smiling can mean a mixture of emotions from happy, nervous or distress and so on.

[@rebeccamay6420]

In addition to smiling, crying is a mixed signal that confuses NT's. My body hyper-responds to emotional input, whether for the good or the bad, and my eyes well up and tears stream down my face and my voice chokes out and my nose runs because tear ducts work great and I'm a blubbering mess. "Awwww, don't cry" I often hear, but this is how I've always processed emotions since early childhood: intensely! ... and at forty-several years old, after deeply delving into the topic, I finally figured out that I must be autistic/aspie.

[@Ripper13F1V]

I'm going through it again, employers simply don't understand. And I find it demoralizing and disheartening (and I feel just broken) because I keep getting into the same situation over and over where they don't know how to understand me, and I can't really explain it either.

[@scottfw7169]

Aw man, that's rough. I hear ya, can't unbreak ya, but I hear ya,

[@Ripper13F1V]

@rowan orre If I could afford it I'd totally would. State allowed me 6 sessions, but I went through those already. I can't say it was particularly helpful, more like they get it and gave me exercises, but not so much helpful for that employer relationship. I feel like employers need counseling to help as well, kind of like marriage/relationship counselling.

[@gavinwaterman5456]

Robots, never will get through to them

[@Dancestar1981]

I’ve been through hell on that front and so traumatised by the experience of being Neurodiverse that I will never work for anyone again

[@Dancestar1981]

@rowan orre fortunately because I’m on disability

[@Inverts4Introverts]

I really think people shouldn't ask how my day is going if they are not ready for a " bad mood" answer. I noticed this at a young age and I now find it amusing to give them an answer they're not expecting.

[@patrycjakonieczna]

I have just gone through it. I was fired by no reason. I call National Labour Inspectorate and I won. My employee just give me no job contract, paid no security insurance, etc. Of course some people have better communication skills than mine. Anyway there were no reason to treat me like that whenever doctors claim I could possibly be Autistic/Asperger like or not. I am not diagnosed! People sometimes look at me if I were alien and that is enough!😣

[@elizabethmilligan2197]

Patrycja in UK you have to get the diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Godbless

[@gbjanuary]

You don’t need a diagnosis to be Asperger.

[@patrycjakonieczna]

@@elizabethmilligan2197 The same in Poland but sometimes people are rude. They judge someone as if they were psychologists or psychiatrists.

[@chicafab2317]

I would love it if someone came up to me at a party and asked what my super power was.....that is a conversation I WANT to have! Now that I am older, I am not so interested in being socially appropriate. Socially authentic, kind, happy and interesting are still important to me though...

[@Derek_Garnham]

so what is your superepower?

[@chicafab2317]

@@Derek_Garnham One of my super powers is to use my ‘non-existing’ dimples to get what I want. No one can resist them…haha!

[@anyascelticcreations]

I'm usually pretty comfortable in social situations, as long as I'm not in a group of more than maybe 3 at most. Preferably one on one. But I'm pretty good at it because I've practiced it as sort of a special interest. I do have a few things that I've learned that I can share. When someone asks casually, "How are you?" They don't actually mean it literally. They are following the script that they think they are supposed to follow. (Like Paul said.) They don't actually want to know and they are very uncomfortable if we share. They're just asking because they think they're supposed to and to fill awkward silence. Our job at that point is to play along. But they also don't want total icy coldness in our reaction either. That puts them off, too. They seem to want a casual scripted response but with a hint of truth behind it. But only a subtle hint. The standard, "I'm good, how are you?", (with a smile) almost always works. But sometimes that feels like an outright lie and I feel like I need to say something else instead. I have noticed some phraises that norotypicals in my area use when they are suffering, can't bring themself to say they are fine, but they don't want to talk about it either. These are a few I've heard used: "It's another day above ground, so that's a good day." Or simply, "Well, I'm above ground today." Said with somewhat of a smile. I actually said myself today, "Well, I'm above ground and I'm housed, so I'm doing okay." I was actually feeling like crying but I said it with a gentle smile. And people seemed to appreciate the slight hint of truth regarding sadness or struggle, but they knew that their role was to smile and let it go. Or to say something similar back. I also knew that the person who I said it to often says something like that himself, so I knew it would be appropriate with him. Fortunately, the other people nearby also responded with quiet smiles as well. I wouldn't have tried that one most places, but it's used fairly commonly in my area. I've also heard people say something like, "Well, you know, one day at a time." But somewhat gloomy stuff like that was mostly used during the worst of the pandemic when there seemed to be a collective comradery of suffering that we all hinted at but no one fully said out loud. I would recommend, only use phraises like that if you know that collectively people are feeling that way. I've also said in the past, "I'm hanging in there." Again, not said gloomy or overly chipper. Just with a soft smile. People knew to respond to that with a smile, too. Again, that one I usually reserved for when I just couldn't force myself to outright lie and say that I'm okay. I think if I had just lost my job I would say something like, "well, I've had better days, but I'll be okay." And again, I'd show with my face how I want them to respond. Which is with a gentle smile. Gloomy or overly chipper would put them off. But following up with a gentle smile usually works pretty well. If they ask you first, always respond, and then ask them how they are. And respond to whatever they say. That turns the conversation off of you. If you've already asked and now the conversation is on you, you can give your answer, wait for them to smile, and then say something nice about the weather. No matter what the weather is like, there is almost always something nice to say about it. And they will be relieved because they know how to respond about that. The key is really to give them something that they know how to respond to. And then respond to whatever they say. Try to say something positive, but not like crazy person positive. Just pleasant. Because that is what is most comfortable for them to respond to. And be supportive of whatever they express to you without getting too personal. If they say their kids are driving them nuts, say, "Oh, I know. Being a parent is a hard job." (Even if you're not a parent yourself) If they say, "It's been a long day.", you can say, "I know, the days get a bit longer each day, don't they?" Those are nice generic answers that don't get personal but validate what they said. If they say they're shopping for their elderly mom, say, "Awe, that's nice of you." Basically stuff like that, and then following up with more fairly generic but kind support of whatever they say will probably get you through until the moment for smalltalk ends. Or you can see if they seem to want it to end, and then just let it end. If they start to turn away, they are probably not in the mood to talk more, so just let it end. (Most people don't really want more than the initial polite greeting.) And remember that your job is to help them feel heard, but also to give them positive things to respond to if they ask about you. If they do ask more about you, you can answer, but do your best to put a positive spin on it. Not crazy person positive, but at least hopefully-optomistic positive if you can. That way it is easier for them to respond. And keep your responses brief. They really don't want more than that for smalltalk. Again, keep in mind that most people just wanted the initial greeting exchange because they feel like they are supposed to ask or to fill awkward silence. Usually, only proceed from there if they do. Honestly, just the usual, "I'm okay, how are you?" (with a pleasant smile) is normally enough. Anyway, I hope that some of that helps someone.

[@metalscholarsreact666]

I like the way you explain it. It is like language is not about the meaning of the words, but instead phrases that have set meanings different to the actual words and one that will trigger a standardized response (in the realm of small-talk). It is more like animal posturing that actual language.

[@anyascelticcreations]

@@metalscholarsreact666 Thank you. And I think that's exactly it. That's a really good way to explain it, too. I really like your explanation a lot. 👍

[@anyascelticcreations]

I just reread my comment. It was really long! Lol. Oh well. I guess that's my nurodivergent side showing. Lol. Still, I hope it helps people.

[@capitanfersparrow]

I usualy tend to cover my feelings when someone ask, I just answer "I'm OK" even if I'm not to avoid other questions, but now I think I will be more honest, and complete my answer with "...but I don't want to talk about it", because lying gives me axiety.

[@anyascelticcreations]

To be honest, I think that "but I don't want to talk about it", would sound abrasive to most nurotypicals. A nurodivergent would probably appreciate that. But I think not most nurotypicals. Lying gives me anxiety, too. So, if I really feel awful I will say something that hints at that, but is still worded positively enough for them to feel comfortable responding. And I choose words that are still literally true. "I'm hanging in there." feels much more honest to me. But it's not received as being abrasive. Or maybe something like, "I'm still swimming." Or, "I'm above ground." Or, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Or even, "I've had better days, but I'll be okay." That way I am expressing that I'm not completely okay, so it's not a lie. But I've phraised it in a way that doesn't sound overly depressing or inviting to them. Usually people know to smile but not ask more when I respond like that. Maybe something like that would feel somewhat comfortable for you, too. But would hopefully also not offend people.

[@salyluz6535]

AnyasCelticCreations AtEtsy: Those are some really good options, thanks for sharing them! I may use some of those. I do want to tell the truth and be real, so I have to consider who I’m talking with. It’s really different if it’s somebody I’ve never met before vs a friend, trusted family member or coworker who gets me. I don’t want to scare away new people by oversharing! Sometimes I try to say something like, “Glad to be here” if that’s true, or something seasonally appropriate like “Looking forward to summer!” I’d really rather get the focus off me so I’ve learned to ask a couple questions about other peoples life. Many people are quite happy to talk about themselves, and for those I don’t know well, I would rather listen.

[@Mrs.Silversmith]

One of my go to responses is "feeling a bit tired." It's a socially acceptable response and one that people can empathize with. I don't have to go into details about how the social interaction itself is what is making me tired.

[@salyluz6535]

@Carole Smith: That’s a good one! Everyone can relate to feeling tired.

[@kaatmaax]

I have a mix of doing well and being awkward socially; it heavily depends on my energy levels. One strategy I have used in a “how are you?” exchange is to say “I’m alright” instead of “I’m fine” (this is of course after I learned in my mid twenties or so that people are not actually asking and I’m supposed to respond in a short scripted way) and I find this is generally better because I often am alright, at least in some way, versus “fine” which can mean well or better than alright. When I’m not really doing fine saying “I’m fine” makes me feel like I’m lying and makes me feel even more awkward and I might be more likely to be giving mixed signals, but I find saying “I’m alright” lessens this problem as it feels more truthful and I feel more relaxed saying it. Not a revolutionary strategy, I know! But I find people respond in a way that moves the conversation forward and they don’t ask me further questions about it. It seems they usually take “alright” as “not doing so well but I don’t want to talk about it” if my energy is lower and take it the same as “I’m fine” if my energy is higher.

[@kbeautician]

This is good. Thank you. I will try this script.

[@maartenraps3076]

Doing exactly the same thing. While I was dealing with depression issues and people were asking that question, this literally saved me at social gatherings. Knowing people dont want to endlessly hear your problems, but also not wanting to lie while responding is difficult.

[@DevonExplorer]

I do a similar thing. I just say 'I'm okay' if I'm not bursting with health and 'really good, thanks' if I am. If I'm really not good I'll say 'not too brilliant, but I'll be okay', and I always return with 'but how about you? Are you alright?' to steer it away from whatever I'm feeling.

[@Derek_Garnham]

I used to use "what do you do for fun?" in place of the tired old "what do you do for a living". I got many blank stares and awkward responses. Those who could go "off script" often turned out to be the sort of people I'd enjoy to be with anyway.

[@MushookieMan]

The people that didn't answer probably just didn't want to say "I sit on my couch"

[@jennifervanpanhuis8406]

I still ask what people do, but immediately follow up with: “Ooh, interesting! What do you like, and not like about it?” (Because that’s what I’m way more interested in). -It’s definitely off script, but tends to pleasantly surprise rather than disturb most people. Many will open like a flower in the face of genuine interest and non-judgement. I always learn something new, and sometimes make a good connection.

[@johnrice1943]

@@MushookieMan and watch TV. Lol

[@Vousie]

Precisely. I'd rather go off script purposely and actually enjoy talking with the few people who respond positively, than be bored out of my brain repeating the same script over and over (which I have done a *lot*, because I'm always told that's how I have to behave so that people will "like me". It's just not worth it.

[@Derek_Garnham]

@@Vousie Don't lose heart though, they say you have to check a whole lot of rocks before you find a gem

[@Selana]

Why is it on us to make NT comfortable? Like communication is a two way street. Why can’t we just teach other people to ask questions? Expecting someone to both be comfortable and monitor their subject, tone, body,language is just a paradox.

[@theodorealenas3171]

You can! That's possible. In sparring matches, I might tell the other person "if I look hurt, keep on going. I'll tell you with words if I need a break" That's exactly how much they wanted to know. Now they won't worry much and they'll know what to do. I haven't been doing stuff like that for long though. But I'm sure it's extensible.

[@maryhunter6389]

@Selana - I try to find the common ground. Both autistic people and NT people want to feel comfortable. So when I talk with NT people I just have to communicate a bit more about myself so that they can understand my logic, emotions and thoughtpatterns. That way I become predictable and they feel comfortable. I can be awkward, as long as we I'm awkward in a predictable way and not in a threatening one :)

[@sdrawkcabUK]

Because 98%+ are NT. Therefore by simple majority they rule the roost, and to get along in this world you have to adapt to them to some degree.

[@cybertrekker4274]

While it is often said that those on the spectrum are weird, I more the so consider neurotypicals to be far weirder, along with being unbelievably presumptive anent their preconceived ideas as to right and wrong or whatever. Neurotypicals are likewise the awkward creatures of whom cannot seem to handle and understand divergent ways or alternative ideas than the prevailing ways and ideas of the time and personally held firmly to by them.

[@anhaicapitomaking8102]

True. I really don't understand why we should work to not make them feel awkward. They are just liars and self centered egotists, with no values at all. We should create centers for us to thrive and do the work that clearly they don't know how to do. And get paid a lot. While they are ok with bullies being billionaires just because deep inside they want to be like that too (they are just bullies at the end of the day, no care at for ethical values and capacity for objective analysis most of them)

[@maidende8280]

Omg yes 💯

[@RosscoAW]

What amuses me most is this Western liberal conceit that our socioculture is somehow "individualistic," when neurotypicals are, by definition, devoid of much real variation or individuality among themselves (by their own choice) relative to neurodivergent people of virtually any classification. They go out of their way to all conform to being the same thing, in almost every idealized way they can, while struggling to grasp onto almost entirely aesthetic virtue signaling and personalized narrative worldbuilding ("I am this and this and this...") to define themselves as "a unique individual" in spite of their constant jostling to be identical to each other. The patterns of developmental psychology and socioculture are obvious (when one understands Spiral Dynamics / Integral Theory or other forms of [admittedly only partial] maps of development), yet no amount of comprehension of those patterns or appreciation for the well-intentioned but deeply misguided nature of neurotypical value systems elucidates why or how they're so contradictorily collectivist while thinking they're somehow fonts of individualism at the same time. Sometimes, I think they just don't bother thinking about themselves or their place in the world, at all, really, and just "accept" the contradictions they've been taught and trained without even processing them; somehow.

[@anhaicapitomaking8102]

@@RosscoAW well put. I usually just say they are like sheep XD

[@AkashaKitty]

THIS

[@tineputzeys]

I did lose a job over communication once. I even asked them "is there anything wrong with the work I'm doing?" and no, it was just that one person had taken issue with something I said. Great. I guess it's good I don't need to work there anymore. "Communication" has always been an issue and has come up through all my performance reviews throughout the years. Every time, the manager would just say "you're too direct in your communication". To which I'd respond, I don't understand what you mean, can you give some examples. They never did. Until at my previous job, after getting the same old "you're communication is too direct" feedback and saying I didn't understand, I had a boss that finally said "being right/correct doesn't always get you what you want or need to accomplish". It wasn't in English, the nuance is not easy to translate, but it was mostly me always wanting 'the facts' to be right and other people interpreting this as an attack on them. Anyway, I told him to kick me in the shins or something like that if he noticed me doing it in a meeting or conversation where he was present, he started doing that and finally I started to understand. All those years, none of the managers before him ever thought "maybe I should more directly state the issue as it's occurring to this person who clearly prefers direct communication". What a concept.

[@metalscholarsreact666]

I feel you on wanting to get the facts right and it being interpreted at an emotional level. Reading about basic communication theory made so many things in my personal clearer that I just had not understood before. It made it easier to communicate with other people who have the same meta-language, because I can now name what I am doing, but it does not help that most people have know idea what they are doing instinctively, it's like having to translate everything all the time.

[@tineputzeys]

@@metalscholarsreact666 The irony is that I actually studied linguistics and knew about things like phatic communication. I just never really applied it to my own conversations. I think I put it too much into boxes in my own head. Conversation with people = referential/informative, writing poetry = poetic, emotions= for other people so nothing I need to worry about cause I don't talk about those...

[@solangelalebron1348]

First of all he KNEW he did something wrong! He LIED. So that's not true that Asperger's don't have the ability to lie, besides he said a bold face lie to me about having a wife and kids that he had to supposedly go spend New Year's Eve with. Then I gave him a chance to explain himself the next time I saw him and he COMPLETELY ignored the matter. I had NO CHOICE but to stop seeing him, because I had a small suspicion he might be married so he had just confirmed to me that he was taken. And what we were doing felt wrong. Eventhough we weren't doing anything wrong, but I liked him. So if he had a wife I had to stop seeing him. That's HIS problem that he lied. I NEVER lied to him. Why tf would a person ask what's wrong when they know they lied.

[@tineputzeys]

@@solangelalebron1348 are you replying to me? Your story, heartbreaking as it sounds, doesn't seem to have anything to do with my work story?

[@OneJey]

When I was younger my family and friends would ask me "how do i look in ___" and I responded "do you want constructive criticism or the simple answer". Turns out ppl almost always want the simple answers so I use that example in my everyday life for any question unless I'm asked to explain. I'm too old at this point to care to explain anything if I don't have/want to.

[@trunkmonkey9417]

Ironic that we (who are autistic) have to double down and transpose such things to ensure the NT folks are not unduly stressed. I hope this is not considered a "snarky" response to this. I just find myself becoming aware of how such interactions have gone for so many years, bother before I understood what the confusion and result of these types of misunderstandings, and as I find myself looking back on them and "re-living them" with the understanding.

[@johnrice1943]

I agree. It's like they're all fragile little eggs and we're the superheroes that must go above and beyond to not crack them.

[@monkeytennis7477]

Yes, and it seems the older I get, the more that this is true in every situation.

[@theodorealenas3171]

We're unskilled in a useful skill dammit. In autist communities you typically do avoid communication you don't like, and the communities are hell.

[@alexabplanalp4455]

I can't stand the term "Neurotypical" considering that there is no such thing as a truly "Neurotypical" person.

[@TheXello]

I have had people get upset when I don't say "I am good" when asked "How are you?". I had someone say authoritatively your suppose to say "I am good". I was like "Why are you even asking people how they are then?". I feel like some people are closeted neural atypicals. I refuse to lye about how I am doing to make others feel comfortable. Don't ask, if you don't want to know. Just say what you mean like "I hope you are doing well." and walk away, because actually, that is all you are really doing.

[@jakke1975]

Behaving in a neurotypical way and reacting the way other people expect you to react, isn't that part of masking? It's very exhausting to do and can have devastating consequences for the rest of your day (and your relationships). I think I'd rather piss some people off and make them feel uncomfortable than trying to not be who I am.

[@bobbybologna3029]

Exactly, I hate that it takes some sort of strategy to deal with people when "F---- Off" should be more than enough. No it's not nice but it's right to the point and conveys exactly how annoyed I am with the question.

[@Vousie]

Yup. That is *exactly* what masking is and it is the path to anxiety and depression - anxiety because you always have to be so on your toes to keep saying the "right" thing, depression because you know none of your friends actually like you, they just like the fake cover. It also means you have no "real" friends: i.e. people you actually enjoy being around. I prefer to make those people uncomfortable, and then I can go and speak to those I actually enjoy talking with.

[@MathieuAlepin]

Hi Paul. Very insightful as usual. I am a High Functioning Autistic person. I got diagnosed three years ago when I was 40. I have learned over the decades (still learning) to mask and speak the script, but it can be challenging still. This afternoon I found out from my mother that her cancer is still around after she had a mastectomy with the purpose of removing the whole cancer. I was on my porch and neighbours walked by and said the usual script, “How’s it going?” And, of course, I answered with a masking smile, “I’m fine. Thanks. How are you?” In this case, I wasn’t fine. I felt sad, empty and dead inside which mostly took the form of ambivalence as I was still processing the news, trying to make sense of the consequences as my mother will be starting chemo treatments hopefully in a week. But there are levels of things we can express and to certain people and not to others in order to remain socially acceptable. It’s a strange world we live in. Thanks for your video, Paul!

[@harrietwindebank6051]

I really empathise with NTs when they are baffled and thrown by something I’ve said or done. They are struggling for words and to make sense of what has been said to them, trying to work out how to respond. WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!!

[@michaelbailey3666]

I used to attempt to avoid small talk also. My standard answer to How are you? for a few years was “Alive.” It didn’t always shut down the small talk though.

[@quinnemilepoe9604]

I think when you go off-script, you get people's honest feelings, rather when they're just on autopilot with you.

[@sansthedrummer]

Apparently I talk to everyone like I'm angry or sparky towards them. I don't try to be, but it just comes out that way. Been a problem for so long

[@charlottekylin4169]

I've learned so much from your videos! I figured I'm autistic a year ago, a year after I retired. I always tried to figure out how to be social and managed to an extent with lots of masking, but still always felt awkward. Your videos and those of other autists on youtube have helped me realize why I never fit in, and that I'm not broken because I didn't. This video pointed out several ways I did at work

[@charlottekylin4169]

(Sorry hit send by mistake). It makes me a little embarrassed now to remember what a dork I seemed to be! Also made me realize why I've been putting off seeing an old work buddy, now that I'm trying to drop the mask.

[@galespressos]

Another treasure. This explanation really helps clarify a lot.

[@azu_rikka]

When someone asks how I am I often answer "yes and you?" People often don't realize that I avoided their question. They happily continue with their ritualistic conversation and I don't have to put in any effort...

[@kajielin4354]

I do see myself in your description of your friend! Thanks, those are going to be helpful tips

[@unknowntosociety01]

Incredibly relatable, almost shed a tear

[@supersagamaster]

Can’t wait for this video Paul! I’m going to be looking for jobs soon so this is perfect timing, take care :)

[@liambraithewaite6415]

The reality is, the less intimate you are with a person, the more scripted the interaction needs to be in order for it to not be awkward.

[@spacemarineoverseer6237]

I'm so sorry for YOU and Your friend, Paul. For I KNOW how HARD it is living with autism, as I have it since the day I was BORN!!! And I ALSO lost my job partially BECAUSE of it...

[@Music_Lover26]

Paul, I love your videos and I think they are important tools in helping neurodiverse people navigate a neurotypical world. Personally though, I can say that after a lifetime of being undiagnosed but masking to get along in the world I eventually I felt I was losing myself. I became so good at masking that I forgot who I was. Now because of covid and my age I've been able to be at home and I'm trying to rediscover myself. In conjunction with neurodiverse people learning how to navigate the neurotypical world to survive, we need to put forth more a position of understanding people's differences. We can be authentic and still survive in this world if we make more room for all kinds of people. By the way, this pandemic has taught me how overrated appearing to be liked socially is. You will find out who your true friends are in hard times.

[@harrison6082]

I got talked to about my performance for my new job today. And I was told the next few months will be critical for determining whether or not I am a good fit for the job. (Essentially I was told very politely that I need to be faster at my job or I may lose it in a few months) The thought of possibly losing my job this soon caused a lot of anxiety. So much anxiety that it was almost debilitating and I was having trouble functioning. I couldn't eat anything and I certainly didn't want to consume stimulants like sugar or caffeine or else it would be debilitating. What a crazy coincidence you post this video today. Excellent timing. (Note: the problem you mentioned in the video is not the reason I may lose my job. My co workers like me quite a bit)

[@ryantaintor9713]

Eh, that sounds extremely anxiety provoking. I feel for you. Hopefully you can find a new job where they appreciate and need the help.

[@sdrawkcabUK]

Work hard, try and fix the problem. BUT also start looking for a new job straight away. They will not hesitate to get rid of you, and even if you do perform at the level they want you'll always be seen as a potential problem and will be the first to be let go in tough economic times.

[@harrison6082]

Wow. Thanks for the support! I should probably also say I do feel appreciated at work and my co workers like me a lot as a person. And this is definitely a good company to work for. Plus I got the sense my manager really doesn't want to fire me. Also I feel like I can probably improve my performance to the speed that is needed for this job. Another video on this channel actually told me the mistake I was making, and that will certainly help me with my performance. Also after some thought, there are some other jobs I could definitely get very soon if I do get fired. So I should be okay. Thanks again for the advice and support. That was very nice :)

[@maartenraps3076]

Ive found that a nuanced response to almost anything together with honesty works very well in communication. People tend to appreciate honesty, because it means that they can rely on you, however the challenge in this is not to become too forward or too much in people's face. Hence my strategy with this is to respond small and careful. Ask questions rather than express heavily and allow the other person to talk. This makes them often comfortable or they tend to relay this back to you if they prefer to listen. In that way you tend to not to step on people their toes. Also, the thing with realising someone is not ok but saying they are. It really depends on the ambiance. Often people are also uncomfortable and insecure in social gatherings and als they dislike talking about personal stuff when people are around. Rather address it (if you care for the person) in a more private setting by saying "are you ok"? Rather than "how are you". In that way you can skip trying to solve the riddle of the answer to the "are you ok" question.

[@discombobulatedfishbowl7548]

If you don't care how I am then don't ask me! This has baffled me since a child, and I'm 54. I never ask strangers how they are. I simply smile and say hello. What's so hard about that? Every single person was happy to be noticed, and all were happy to keep moving on in their lives. Every person needs to stop asking strangers how they are because we all know the person asking really doesn't care. Anyone that uses that phrase with me is immediately dismissed as a fake, and tagged as a potential headache to deal with. The autistic woman did nothing wrong in this story.

[@Monicaeloo]

Thanks! This information is so helpful! When I've found myself in the situation of saying answers like "I lost my job today!" With a weird positive tone, it is usually because I'm not understanding my emotions and I'm seeking help. I'm unconsciously seeking to understand myself and get over it through conversation.

[@Hippowdon121]

I'm taking a year to focus on my mental health and emotional intelligence, and realised I am autistic a few months ago. In the past, I mostly 'masked' and tried very hard to mimic 'normal' people, and totally lost my sense of self. Recently I'm making much more of an effort to identify how I feel and communicate in a more honest way, and your "I lost my job, I'm feeling pretty bad about it and I don't want to talk about it now, let's just have lunch." is pretty much the exact thing I've ended up doing! I think the 'superhuman level of emotional intelligence' is a bit extreme; what we're describing is just saying how we're feeling and how we'd like the other person to react. It does take being vulnerable, I think, which is very hard but REALLY important for us to do, is my experience so far (it has been going really well). Great topic :]

[@Mandrake_root]

definitely resonated with the amount of emotional intelligence it takes for ME to properly have people interpret my emotions correctly. And just social interactions in general. I have to be okay with awkwardness all the time and get over it, meanwhile it's a huge inconvenience to NTs. When I'm on my stimulant medication, I'm able to develop scripts for social situations very quickly and respond to any number of strange openings. When in doubt, ask for tone clarification. if someone sounded cheerful with bad news, I'd ask if the news were actually bad in context or if they're using tone of voice to cope. Depending on my mood i don't care much to know the details of the situation because I wanna get on with my job usually, unless the person is the type of story teller that I'll happily listen to their life story. My goal is to be one of the neutral or positive interactions they've had that day. No one wants the cashier making them feel awkward on their own bad day.

[@zioqqr4262]

Is tone clarification not a normal thing? Ive been doing it my whole life and just assumed ppl arent doing it to me because im either honest or flat anyway

[@Stormbrise]

I love the honesty of your asking ‘What is your superpower’ I would have been happy to hear it. I would like to have asked ‘Do you want to talk about it’. This is because I grew up around a 12 step program, and the helper in me would ask these questions. If I am rebuffed, I will not take it personally. I have learned from myself that I being honest and going off script is actually frowned upon.. I do not care. Honesty is one of my driving forces in my life. I will tell the person that Actually I am doing ‘okay’ ‘stressed’ etc. I would rather be honest and just say ‘fine’ which means F’d up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. If I do say fine, it is because I feel the acronym, and I use that with only people I know well.

[@annblack7695]

This is extremely helpful. Thank you!!

[@Bunny-ch2ul]

I'm the reigning king of sounding happy while saying things like, "Everything is on fire and I might literally be dying." That's me whenever I feel like I can't quite pull off, "I'm fine." I worked with kids for years, and they also frequently will say things in the realm of, "My parents are getting divorced," in a chipper voice, when asked how they are. The right thing to do when you don't know how you're supposed to interpret someone's mood in that sort of situation is to *ASK.* It's really simple. "How are you taking that?" "How does that make you feel?" "You sound happy, but I wouldn't be. Are you okay?" "That isn't the reaction I would expect. Is everything alright?" I'd say at least nine out of ten times, people are glad when you ask how they're actually doing, instead of having to hear, "I'm sorry to hear that. My day is going fine though." The worst I've ever heard is, "I don't want to talk about it." If you don't understand how someone is feeling, it's always appropriate to ask. If you're having a hard time picking up on social cues, there's probably something going on. Even the most autistic people tend to know what happy, sad, and angry look like. Don't feel bad if you have to ask. If you're having a hard time reading someone's emotions it's probably because they're feeling multiple emotions that don't necessarily tend to go together, or they're making a big effort to suppress their feelings. Either way, asking is thoughtful, and will probably help them process too.

[@vivianstewart7523]

I try to think of small talk as "greasing the wheels of the day" and try not to think of it as a chore. By using small talk to acknowledge that someone is there and that you care about them, even if it's in a short exchange with a stranger. It makes everyone feel good and that's important. Personally, I don't know if I want to have an in-depth conversation with someone until we've had some small talk and I can get a feel for their personality and if they might be interesting. BTW, I'm 64 and diagnosed a year ago. I've had a lot of time to work all this out without knowing that I am autistic but it was very difficult in the beginning. Now, I just don't think of it in a negative way.

[@antoniascholz9549]

I've been dating my partner for 6 months and we are having so many communication issues. At first, I was extremely puzzled by this - I have a very high degree of emotional intelligence - higher than average -, I always know intuitively what is going on. I can hold conversations with basically anyone for hours. Though my partner told me from the beginning that he was diagnosed with mild autism at age 7, I didn't think it would have any implications on our relationship. I didn't want to label him. However, in my quest looking for answers why our communication is so off, I found your channel and everything is making so much more sense now. I really want to support him to feel more understood and supported while also getting my needs met. Thanks for your work, it really helps.

[@Deadsea_1993]

I lost my job cause I reported 2 guys who threatened me constantly at work to HR. They did nothing for ages and they finally were fired. My job worked us all too hard and I put in my notice to leave. When I did try to go back later, they said they didn't want me back and this was because I complained about those 2 people. I find that Autistic people as myself tend to work better away from people. We are fantastic workers and very time based and we love repetitive tasks. I had no issues with anyone else for the entire year I was there. I had perfect attendance the entire year I was there.

[@MelodicDinosaur]

Oh, that's so interesting - thank you! The thing I get is when someone says they're fine but I can tell they're not fine, I don't know what to do with that, and I get all stressed inside because their words don't match what I'm seeing. And it's like I take on some of their "not fine"ness myself, if I'm not careful, because there's this feeling of "well, clearly something bad is going on and *someone's* got to acknowledge it!". I didn't realise that "I'm fine" meant, "I just don't want to talk about it right now".

[@alaksandra1979]

Thank you for sharing.

[@myntndmarriage]

Love the concept of avoiding small talk by asking about a super power - going to try that at my next social gathering. As NTs we have to learn to adapt to different responses and not expect all people to respond very specific ways. I dislike "I'm fine" as an answer because it's usually not true (unless it's someone I don't know i.e. the checkout person who doesn't need to know my business).

[@theodorealenas3171]

An autistic question followed by a serious answer that looks past it is hilarious. It's my favourite combo! But it needs the right conditions

[@theghcu]

Hahaha! I love that jovial unexpected response! Being ASD and ADHD, I understand that very well because I do it too, and I actually enjoy doing it! It's a wise crack to build and break tension. In this case, it says distract me with fun and enjoyable company to combat the hurt, and maybe use hit and run discussion to help me process while mostly just distracting and comforting me. It is a coping technique to break down a big unbearable issue into smaller bite sized pieces and giving time between to process with distraction to keep from being overwhelmed. I also use it in my scripted responses because I despise the disingenuous platitudes. When someone says "how are you" to me as standard fare, I will respond "haven't seen me since this morning," or "I have NO idEA," or "six foot and full of sh**!" There is a timing and performance aspect to it as you have to deliver it as a straight (comedy) man, or really sell it, then let their brain slam on the brakes for a second or two, then smile slyly or really big. Most people respond positively after that because you've already torn the social contract asunder, and they are less likely to believe that they already know what you're thinking. Most people that don't like it are either in a hurry, or they rely on the platitudes in order to sell themselves as good people and can't hang since you already broke the rules they depend on. When someone says "hey, it's YOU" you can respond by spinning to look around and say "WHERE?!" or "GOOD, that guy owes me money!" Another is if they ask what your thinking, you could say "where are we going to find rubber pants our size?" (pinky and the brain.) The possibilities are endless! As far as dealing with being rejected for communication issues, I don't really have any good advice. It always seems to me that if the other person/people want to fix it, they will bring it to your attention (they usually know it first) and have a discussion before decisions are made. If not, then they just want to lay the blame at your feet alone, as if you were psychic, and end things there without any attempt at a resolution. There's nothing I can do on my part, as I won't even get straight answers when I ask. I have never found a class that teaches the way NT people perceive the world around them and think and communicate. It is only as I discovered and started to come to grips with my ASD in the last couple of years that I have begun to learn some of these things from others on the spectrum, and I'm in my forties...

[@danielperales3958]

Good strategy, I use something like that sometimes xdddd.

[@christineh86]

I like your funny responses!! 🤣 I tend to think most adhd people I met are funny and peculiar (in a good way)! I’m also autistic and have adhd myself. People think I say the most unexpected and funny things even when I’m not even trying to be funny.. 😆 that can be both good and bad I guess. Btw are you American? I’m Swedish,but when I lived in the US I met so many fun and easy going people! I loved it! They joked around a lot just like you, and it really helped to lighten up the mood of many conversations I feel like

[@theghcu]

@@christineh86 Yes, I am american. I actually intentionally used my ADHD to mask my autism starting in middle school and jr high, even though I didn't know I was either. There is actually strong overlap between the two in my more easily observable traits. I actually wonder a lot if that is common among those of us who are both. I love making people laugh and laughing myself. That was one of the first compliments my wife gave me when we were dating, that I laughed in so many different ways. I sneer, snicker, chuckle, cackle, giggle, and guffaw freely. I have also found that if I can get a lady to laugh so hard she snorts, then I have her full and undivided attention. Autistic life hack, joking, laughing, and getting the other person to laugh a little too will let you break eye contact a little when it gets tough without seeming out of place.

[@julitaszulc1158]

I am just the same. I will turn eny response into a joke. People, especially men, find me very peculiar and hilarious. In a way it helps people to either go along and laugh, or for those who are a bit sad, there is someone cheering them up. It comes with pros and cos as everything. Sometimes I take it to the next level and leave people speachkess, sometimes the happy mask feels heavy on my face.

[@TheDavveponken]

Honestly it's mostly because other people's disinterest in actually listen and understand other people. They want everyone to be just like themselves. If they're not. They stop hanging out with them, or FIRE them. A lot of people lack humanity unfortunately...

[@steve-adams]

The point you make about needing to understand social conventions, codes, and protocols in order to make things work for those around you is fascinating. In a sense I am good at that, but... When I'm not, it's exceedingly obvious and problematic for people. It's a burden in the sense that none of this works intuitively so it's work to keep up, but also in that I'm constantly digging myself a deeper hole as well. This all creates the illusion that I'm socially adept, so when I slip up, people are that much more disturbed by it. Had I never attempted to conform, no one would expect me to do any different. Does that makes sense? It makes people think I'm normal. I can articulate and engage in so many aspects of socializing that it becomes difficult for people to understand that it's all quite orchestrated. When I go off script or I miss a detail, it can be hard to recover from because people aren't willing to believe these things aren't intuitive to me. They think I've intentionally offended or misunderstood them. I find that part of this hardest to overcome. In a sense I inject myself deeper into places I "shouldn't" be, because it makes the act of conforming increasingly difficult and constantly raises the stakes. Anyway, I appreciate that point - it's something I've thought about a lot but hadn't yet pinned down.

[@krugerfuchs]

The problem is them not us

[@nanyummyify]

😆 I kinda agree with you on that one lol

[@jumuah89]

Learnt the script " am okay" .most people don't even wait for a response, some do and move on lastly authentic people will take time out for u if your not and read past the "am okay"

[@SquarePegDivergent]

A couple of things I've learned to help prevent misunderstandings are over-explaining & asking lots of questions - for clarification to make sure communication has happened successfully from both parties' perspectives. :)

[@yvetteblonk4505]

few years ago my grandmother died. it was around a time I was very depressed. losing her made me feel so much sadness. but I was so happy to feel something again. it mede me feel the love I have had for her and it made me thankfull that I have known her. I made the mistake to say online that I miss her but I was happy that day. lost half my family that day.

[@MNkno]

This is a very good video... I love the comment by Kirsten Vine, where she took the situation and learned to keep a good work diary and know her worth. This is also why some people will move to a different country to live and work, because there, they will be foreigners and "everyone knows foreigners are different" so the autistic angle can be glossed over. Going off the NT's scripts does make them very uneasy, but it can be difficult to know what the NT's script involves... which is where reading fiction and watching TV can come in, as a way to discover what the scripts are (just be sure to get a very broad sample and note the specifics of the situations for age, intentions to be serious/funny/romantic, etc.) Thank you for the video!

[@Spirilien]

I often say to myself I experience life differently so if another person doesn't really 'get' me or vibrate with me, I accept it this way. I don't have to have good interaction with everyone, just the few people who I resonate with. The out-of-the-box questions are awesome, I think the few people who can have an interesting conversation with you that way is still worth more than just fitting in. I also often try to be interested in the other person first, so they don't have time to ask me questions I find difficult to answer.

[@RalucaBojor]

I'm terrible at small talk plus it induces high levels of anxiety. So whenever someone asks me "How are you doing today? my response is "How much time do we have?" Then based on their response I know how to proceed - (1) awkward laughter response usually indicates "I don't really care how you're doing; I was just using a standard greeting phrase" (2) whilst a response such as "Oh, well I got all the time in the world!" indicates that they actually, genuinely care about me and therefore I can open up and just be myself, without scripts.

[@cactiman6593]

I'm great and horrible at communication, sometimes I go for hours on end, talking and talking, sometimes you can't get a peep out of me. Sometimes I go for weeks or even months without talking to people on phone.

[@TheChaoticOath]

The people at work keep asking me. "How are you today." Over 90% of the time they don't like what I have to say, at a old job. The boss (GM) Would get so angry with me if I didn't tell him I was fine or okay. How dare I not lie to him and tell him I am happy to be their. I swear if he we weren't short staffed he would fired me. Back to the current work through. The issue is when they ask "how are you" I don't know how I feel most of the time, my emotions are every changing and they can change in a instant. My last working shift a new employee was bosting about buying a house and I commented and said "Wow, your pretty lucky. Not everyone can get a home" or something like that and her response was. "It's not really that hard.." Those words begin to start things in my brain, in my heart. Memories beginning to run on over drive. Not that hard, I kept thinking. Like a broken clock I was stuck with a tick which would not pass me by. I could not speak to this human, I was so frustaded. Eventrually after having broken a pen in the processes I was able to write up a letter and explain to her, her condecending words. She sighed, and than everything got worse. I couldn't stop from crying, my boss tried to send me home. I couldn't speak, my words lost to me. I had to do this stupid job, this stupid task as the people around me wouldn't be able to understand. Not that hard, what do you mean not that hard. I can't rent a house, I can't rent an appartment. I can bearly work without getting fired, always so paranoid I will do something that they won't understand and they will right me up, again. I make people uncomfortable, because when they meet me. They know something isn't right this person. Like that uncanny thing with robots.. I think Point of the story, I think? Communication sucks, its not normal and using notes is apparently not acceptable either. Also not being to speak when Spiralling is also something people around me can't understand, suddenly I'm being rude because I can't speak in said moments. Wait I'm sorry I rambled, and lost focus. Sorry if this random, if this comment gets deleted by myself don't surprised. (Yes I am aware my spelling and grammer is horrid. I can't care enough to fix it at the moment.)

[@cmbaileytstc]

This sounds like a case of wrongful termination. And if someone says “I lost my job today” you say “that’s unfortunate”. It’s not hard, unless you’re an irrational basket case who hallucinates they can read their minds. People who show up and work hard shouldn’t have to steer around their stupidity or get fired. As for your personal anecdote, you say: “What’s your super power?” I say : “Complete lack of tact(aka distaste for lying)”. It’s not hard, and I’d be much more comfortable with THAT open-ended question than the typical probing for personal info.

[@myntndmarriage]

Agreed. Firing someone because they don't communicate well with others is discrimination.

[@cmbaileytstc]

@@myntndmarriage It doesn’t even sound like she has a problem communicating from what little is described in the video. It sounds like she said “I lost my job today” in plain English and people suffering from a condition I’ll call “stupidity” manage, with great effort of will, to be confused by this simple sentence.

[@myntndmarriage]

@@cmbaileytstc Paul was saying his friend was told she was not suitable due to her communication style on phone calls.

[@cmbaileytstc]

@@myntndmarriage I listened to the whole video also. There was no example presented to show her “communication style” was unsuited to anything. The only example presented was of her speaking perfectly understandable English and what appear to have been stupid people managing to get confused by clear language. I wonder what such people do when the have to speak with someone who speaks English has a slightly different accent than their region. I have to thus assume the person who fired her also was a bit wrong in the head because it’s nonsense. Like I say, if what is presented here is the whole story I think a wrongful termination suit is possible.

[@myntndmarriage]

@@cmbaileytstc 1:00 (til 1:18)

[@BombaclaatGatofish]

I think today I'm realizing I'm on the spectrum. And a couple years ago I lost a job I had for 8 years over a communication dispute that I could not comprehend how it even went south. They told me after so many years of exceptional quality and hard work that I wasn't a good fit. It's been 3 years since and I'm starting to see what's really been going on. Thank you for this content

[@Feminazi1dc]

U seem like the type of guy a girl can actually just be friends with and u don't try to make it go further and I like that a lot

[@pruedence110588]

I have this problem a lot too, so I totally understand what she was doing. She was responding in the positive tone NT people would expect from "I'm fine thanks!", but because that wasn't the truth, she said the truth, but in that tone. It's like when you ask someone a question, and they say yes but they were simultaneously shaking their head no. I constantly feel the need to people please and give the answers people want, but at the same time feel the need to actually express myself like I'm screaming from the inside of the mask, and it often results in mixed communication like this.

[@EB-yj3gl]

I write a mental script before any social event of what I'm going to say at the beginning of a conversation with people I know and I don't know (accordingly). Whenever I'm surprised by meeting someone I know I'm happy to chat but I sweat terribly and any such occasion leaves me shaken for a few hours:( I rehear potential dialogues constantly.

[@johnrice1943]

My shower arguments are legendary and none have ever materialized

[@Amazon_213]

I put the work back on them. “Do you really want to know, or are you just being polite?”

[@strangebird5974]

I try to meta-communicate sometimes, to tell people plainly something about what is going on in the situation, why I am saying what I'm saying, or what I'm trying to achieve with my words. I do this especially when I feel like too many misunderstandings are about to happen. So, if I say something that doesn't land well, I try to explain what I was trying to do. I find people relate moderately well to this. But then again, I'm not from the anglo-saxon sphere, so if people ask me how I am, it's not completely faux pas to actually answer. Also, in the case of the perky "I lost my job today" - I'm pretty sure I would answer with a question: "is that a good or a bad thing?".

[@Dani004able]

That is interestingly very similar to my approach to this. I try to modulate my own first to the emotional state of the other person, but then quickly switch gears to the emotional state or the tone that I deemed fitting for the conversation or what I want to say. Then end it in the way I what the conversation be like after that. Basically giving the other person a very clear path on how they should respond to me. This often helps even autistic people to respond correctly even though they usually have a very hard time figuring out how to do that correctly. Small example to clarify: I lost my job today and a college asks me how I am in a happy tone. I give them a wide smile, matching their mood, saying „Hi“. Then I let my facial expression darken, saying „well I had better days, I lost my job today“. Then I let my facial expressions brighten up a little again, saying „but I’ll be fine, I will finde a new one“. This picks the person up where they are emotionally, shows your own emotions very clearly and sets a more neutral mood for a possible continuation of the conversation. The other person now has some very clear path they can follow and you leave them some good options on who they can continue they conversation on a way that is comfortable for them. I could go far more into the detail but das is already way too much for a yt comment. Sorry for the typos I surely have, but I need my coffee before I can double check anything 😅

[@onetuffchick7465]

I loathe small talk or when people ask "how are you?" simply because it's what is expected. I've learned acceptable responses and try not to be awkward at work or in public. But, in doing so I've become so focused on what makes others comfortable that I've lost sight of who I am. At work I am proactive and ask first. If they follow-up with "and how are you?" I normally reply "I'm doing well, thanks for asking." I don't like to lie. This response works for me because even if I'm having a difficult day, I am "doing well" as my basic needs are met; clean water, food, clothes, etc. If it's a co-worker that I'm close with and I know cares about my answer, I may reply with something like "I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. But I'm looking forward to spending time in my hammock after work to relax." I wonder, could I have a handful of go-to responses that wouldn't through NTs off, while still allowing me to be authentic? Maybe we could brainstorm some "socially expectable" replies together that allow us to be ourselves? Any suggestions?

[@veronicagomez7246]

It happens to me a lot. Sometimes if I'm in a good mood i respond in a goofy way and people.dont understand. Or if I'm in a low mood i say how I feel without filters and it's awkward. so lately I have became more quiet and shy because I dont want to feel awkward by making other people uncomfortable. Or if people want to talk to me I'm not sure if I'm responding in the right way and makes me feel anxious. Is very stressful.

[@vampmilf]

i think people are generally intrigued with me because i have a unique sense of humor and my lack of social cues comes off as confidence sometimes but i just say things honestly. people also tend to think i'm rude because i don't look at them. i'd describe my social skills as a C-, it's barely passing but i am definitely on the verge of being outcasted constantly.

[@3sampv]

This resonates, I've got bored over the years of the 'how are you?/ I'm fine thanks' routine as it seems so pointless. I've tried giving varied responses but it always lands badly. Still not really worked out a way around all this, people just think I'm weird I guess 🤷

[@honzo1078]

I haven't had that kind of success with the strategy you describe. It's 'too much information' for neurotypicals who really don't care, they are just making polite noises. Asking someone how they are is generally just a ritual designed to smooth superficial interactions. You can get into just as much trouble by answering 'I'm really great! ' and then explaining why. Once I figured that nobody really cares, and just made the same polite noises as everyone else, almost all the problems disappeared.

[@trevor_mason_reed]

I was constantly laid off, management doesn’t care or value their employees and I hate working 5 jobs for 11 an hour

[@fifteenq9102]

A student in my class made a joke today, I misinterpreted this and chastised him. Then some pointed out it was a joke and had to apologise and felt bad about it.

[@johnrice1943]

I'm glad you apologized. It's only fair to the student. Imagine thinking for years that your teacher was (fill in the blank) lol

[@fifteenq9102]

@@johnrice1943 23 yrs teaching and I’ve rarely been the popular teacher - starting to see why. Only recently found out that I’m ASD. That said many of my former students have gone on to university or self employment, and some on to professions such as doctor, teacher, nurse, solicitor, therapist, lawyer, engineer, etc

[@huskers4rootbeer]

I ask how people are doing knowing exactly how they are doing, very high emotional intelligence. I would prefer they break the social norms and either admit something is wrong or try and talk about it, which is what I am attempting to get to by asking how they are doing. I also tend to draw normies and neurodiverts to me but I prefer to hang around people who understand the peculiar challenges I face.

[@vijayakrishnakumar6067]

There are so many such people in this world. It is strange that the world ( with it's closed mindset)still does not bother to make such people feel at ease. Only a little honesty & thoughtfulness are required. A little understanding,so that they can live their lives too just like the so called 'normal' people do.

[@ryantaintor9713]

I am not a fan of the How are you? question. It's like people are asking you to pay attention to the current mood of the conversation and use that to mask over your authentic mood. On the other hand, I am an introvert and am guilty of being very vague in describing how I am doing when asked. Sometimes, the right words don't come to my head at the correct moment and I insert a typical, socially appropriate answer. Usually the only people to address my affect when I am talking to them are my parents. After all, family cares! This is a good topic and one I hope more videos can be made on. Thank you for your creative video topic ideas!

[@andreabuntpercy]

My favourite personally generated awkward situation happened at a regular meeting of a small women's group. We were each to bring up meaningful events that had happened in our lives in the previous month. Once a topic was introduced everyone else got to offer kind and resonant comments if they wanted to. During the course of my disclosure, the leader of the group asked me how I was feeling. I said I felt like I was going crazy (not metaphorically but for real). She then asked me, 'How does that feel exactly?' I described a particularly scary ride I had once taken by myself at the Canadian National Exhibition. I was strapped down in a massive metal chair in a concrete room, and when the ride started, I was thrown back and forth at great speed and with considerable whiplash and loud squeaking of gears and thunderous crashing. Well she obviously didn't know how to respond to me in this small, quiet, spiritual group that ritually opened with a candle lighting. What was I thinking?? I wasn't. I was driven by emotions I didn't understand. To their credit, the group stuck with me and I'm still there. Now that she and I know I'm on the spectrum, and I've begun to understand something about emotional intelligence, I can look back with equanimity on the event, but it took a long time. I didn't understand why she hadn't understood my genuine distress when I thought she had drawn it out of me. But my timing was seriously inappropriate and didn't help my case at all. I'm learning.....

[@murtazaarif6507]

I am never able to hold onto a job for more than three months where I work closely with others no matter how hard I try. I resign or they tell me that they find it difficult to work with me. I have been told that I am rude and that I need to have more of a human connection with others. However, I am completely oblivious to this. I have no idea what they are talking about. I totally agree that our lack of thinking in the more conventional way of the system of society based on how neurotypicals think makes it difficult for us to hold on to a job. This superhuman intelligence and self-awareness you mention that employers expect us to have is society's unfair capitalistic mentality. It reminds me of how another employer was favored over me for his behavior. When I told my employer that some form of manipulation, especially in sales work, seems to be unfairly allowed, my employer disagreed with me very defensively and it frightened me. However, I am learning and slowly adapting my ways to fit in but I could never be completely anything other than what I am. My strategy since then has been to try and connect and interact more with others in everyday situations when I go into a shop or park by making eye contact and saying hello, it has worked wonders. If somebody doesn't respond to me then I have come to realize that it's okay. I have learned not to feel bad since. I got that advice from your other video about flirting. As a result, I instead think about where I messed up and try to fine-tune my flirting skills. In such situations, I usually find that I am surprising the other person too suddenly without making eye contact or without giving them a chance to respond before I continue.

[@amybaker1880]

I've definitely had many negative responses to my honest comments. I try to remember that people don't want to know if you're not doing well, that the "How are you?" is not authentic. That spilled over to affect how I told my doctor or counselor, rather than how I'm really doing. It's so hard to remember how to act. And I use the word irony way too much! I wish the irony would stop.

[@ilovemybeard3394]

Almost lost my job Friday, but thanks to my rebuttals and the bullying of most co workers the Supervisors and Managers were a bit pissed Gang stalking is real folks…stay safe because these neurotypes network and they will probably never understand us Enjoying my weekend of drinking protecting my ass Protect yours at the workplace and it’s all in timing…I’m sorry for those that lost it and they do not deserve that treatment God bless their hearts Bullies are everywhere…be careful

[@greenwomangreycat6278]

Hmmmm. Yes.... and in my experience, we are meant to ignore the emotional information in favour of the stated "I'm fine" type responses much more with strangers, whereas if someone quite close to us is giving those kinds of mixed messages, they're actually hoping we will say something like "You don't seem very fine, are you okay?" - in a really kind (not accusatory) way. I think that is a little test of the relationship, kind of like "If you really care about me, you'll ask; and if you don't ask, it tells me we that don't have the kind of close and caring relationship that I thought we did". In which case, asking is a way of creating a level of trust in that connection which would be absent if you did not ask. That isn't so bad, as you can can let someone know you care by asking, and let them know you are NOT that close to them, by not asking - though they are likely to feel a bit upset by the latter. Sadly, some people play much more of an unhealthy game in this kind of situation, even (or especially) with those closest to them, where they refuse to acknowledge that they actually are upset AT that person, and just keep saying "Nothing's wrong", despite obviously choosing to allow their not-ok emotional state to be visible. In that case, they're probably really bad at communicating on difficult topics, and prefer to be able to just punish the other person for upsetting them (by making them feel really awkward, confused and guilty), without actually having to talk about what the problem is. This likely happens because they find that more honest type of conversation to be really difficult and too challenging. They expect the other person to eventually say something like "Please tell me, what have I done wrong? How did I upset you? I'm so sorry if I upset you, but I don't know what I'm saying sorry for...", which then allows them to say "You should know" or "How can you not know?" or something like that, and continue to hold the power in that conversation - continue to punish without engaging in real communication. GAMES! Ugh. Hate them.