I'm afraid to see Abigail Thorn's The Prince - a journey of self-criticism

[@CouncilofGeeks]

I have now gotten around to seeing Abigail Thorn's play The Prince. And yes, I do have thoughts to share: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qWamZ6ykgcSfa7s

[@megan_alnico]

This woman gives us unfettered access to the insecurities in her life. Admits to her failures, or more importantly successes that were not successful enough to satisfy her, and an honest attempt to contemplate her own bias all in an attempt to give someone a fair and honest review. What did you do, Vera? What did you do? You just showed your authenticity. You didn't have to post this. You could have thrown it away. You could have waited until it actually came out so you could do an actual review. But instead, like many things here, you decided to be honest. And best of all, you ended it with a laugh.

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

I can't say it any better than this, so I'm just gonna cosign here.

[@thetiskosmos4554]

completelly agree, what a wordefull video

[@marocat4749]

XD all that is true and still XD

[@mother_at_law]

I would only add that she is always authentic, which is one of the things that is so compelling about Vera. I just adore her. UHHHH-DOOR.

[@spudmadethis]

Agreed 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@tylerowens]

I can tell you what you made: probably the best Joker origin story around.

[@SpencerDragonMonster]

Yeah, during that last part, I kept expecting her hair to turn green and her face to go chalk white.

[@Lightweaver123]

I was fortunate enough to see The Prince live and I'll never forget the experience. It's unique and it's delightfully and unapologetically trans.

[@kneau]

What does "unapologetically trans" mean? Something about that makes me bristle, yet I've heard "unapologetically queer" before... I guess I won't know unless I watch.

[@PeanutsAssorted]

I honestly can't think of anything more relateable than building up the experience of watching something in your mind, the pros and cons of seeing it and what it might make you feel as an audience member only to realise it's not available in your region (or, indeed, at all). That hit me in a place I didn't know existed

[@NankitaBR]

We need to get Abigail to see this video! This video is a great exploration of the feelings of many people that are involved in creative fields in general and I think it can be a very good base for a PhilosophyTube video about the subjects talked about in this video with an academic and philosophical base (and the Abigail level of production, of course). I would love to see that collab, honestly.

[@marocat4749]

I dont think its the level of production, but the skit in the start tells so, its good feeling comfortable more than super stylish.

[@legzfalloffgirl5148]

I'm not sure, but I link Abby Thorn doesn't watch videos made about her

[@VeganAtheistWeirdo]

I think this is exactly the kind of phenomenon Abigail might explore, so I would definitely be all over that. As for production vs. personal comfort zone, that could also be part of the discussion. It does seem that Abigail considers fancy costumes and sets to be integral to her presentation, and she probably just enjoys being in full-on actor mode more... _or_ considers it worthwhile when she views back her material. Meanwhile, it seems Vera does enjoy some flare and dramatic touches, but is more inclined to be comfortable than glamorous to the point of us imagining someone coming in between takes to blot her forehead or brush invisible lint from their dress. She's got a parasocial persona for interacting with the public, but it's not the perfectly airbrushed quintessentially British presentation by a series of not-self characters that lead us through Abigail's productions. Vera just comes on and gets right to their point. Each style tickles different parts of the brain, and may appeal more to some than others. I like them both about equally, but have to be in the right mood for the productions so that I don't miss any nuance. Sorry, I rambled on that much longer than I meant to! But I think between the two of them, they could turn this episode of Vera's into a wonderful collaboration.

[@CapriUni]

@@legzfalloffgirl5148 That's right. She's stated a few times in her livestreams that she deliberately avoids them (I don't know is she has them blocked, or if that's even possible with KZbin).

[@ChristyAbbey]

There are times... I'll go to see a band, and it will be depressing. It's not so strong now that I've moved into more of an elder stateswoman position in the local music scene. I asked my mother about it, and she's sung at MSG. Says it happens to her all the time.

[@heatherrockwell9012]

This is probably more about writing and insecurity, but I get horrible, horrible envy of all other trans people, and Abigail is no exception, to the point where I can’t watch her videos. I sympathize greatly with illogically being scared to engage with things.

[@marocat4749]

Hey, then good you do the healthy thing instead attacking her. Thats good, that you donr attack he for it and , do the healthy thing. If more people did that social media would be less o a hellhole. Like you don have to watch it.

[@Seraphemme98]

I knew I wasn't the only one but my god do I turn green! I've had to step away from social media entirely for a bit bc of this

[@heatherrockwell9012]

@@Seraphemme98 You're not the only one at all. A lot of people have talked about how they struggle to keep watching Contrapoints, for example, upon realizing they themselves are trans- public figures, even though they're real people, provide a static image that's very easy to form resentment around. It's not your fault, but it sucks.

[@dandelion_16]

A common piece of advice I've heard in writing spaces is "write for yourself, not others". It's never worked for me, but I get where it comes from. This was actually kinda relatable, so thank you for that. As for why you posted this, well, according to Greek mythology once a hairdresser dug a hole in the ground and whispered into it about one of her clients having donkey ears cause she had to tell someone, so maybe sometimes we need to get things that bother us out to have peace.

[@dante6985]

Honestly, it's what Stephanie Meyer's philosophy is, and she rode it to enormous success, reviled as her work is by some.

[@maurinet2291]

That's advice that circulates in amateur spaces--or by pros who have already made it big. Yeah, you don't want to pander to the audience. But it's pretty easy to write stuff that you love and no one else does. And if that's the point, why publish at all? Just write it and be your own reader.

[@dandelion_16]

@@maurinet2291 exactly my point. Sometimes you don't need to write for others, but for yourself and to make it exist.

[@Prestidigitoreum]

Saw it live in London, it was probably one of my favourite theatre experiences to date. Cannot recommend it enough.

[@RoselynTate]

"What am I doing wrong that I don't have that level of success? That I can't get my foot in the door? How am I holding myself back?" "If she's not better at this than I am, then why is she where she's at, and I'm back here?" This hit me so hard. I'm a performer, and this is exactly the feeling that I've been dealing with a LOT in the last year. And I know most of the reasons, many of which have to do with chronic health issues and just not having enough spoons, but also because I don't have access to the same opportunities that many of the people I end up comparing myself to have, and I don't have the professional networking connections that might let me get a foot in the door without those opportunities. But despite knowing all of that, there are still times when I go to a show and can't help but feel resentful of other people who are cast in things I know I could do as well, if not better, when I can't even get in front of the people who'd need to know I exist to even be considered. And it's an incredibly toxic mindset to live with, which really only hampers my ability to try to make progress in my career. You may not have known what you made, you even said you thought it was nonsense, but this video meant so much to me. By letting us in and showing your vulnerability, you have given me a new framework with which to deal with these kinds of thoughts in my own life, to recognize and hopefully therefore be able to combat my own irrationality, and I'm so grateful for that. Thank you for sharing this despite, or perhaps even because of, the anti-climax at the end.

[@bekkers29]

This was a delightful and all too relatable roller coaster ride, In specific, about halfway through, I started wondering if I'd missed The Prince being posted on Nebula and was then worrying about what else I might have missed.

[@jpk4807]

I've never heard someone talk through such a complex entanglement of emotions and self-scrutiny with such clarity, and I think it's honestly really relatable for people in creative fields who struggle with not achieving the massive success a minority of our peers do. Thank you for putting this up, it's grounding to be reminded that others experience and struggle with these feelings. Stay healthy, beautiful, and authentically yourself, Vera.. Scuffs and all ❤️

[@krose6451]

I REALLY needed to be taken out of my head. I was spirally in a worrisome way. This, getting to hear these thoughts and empathize pulled me out of myself as I desperately needed. Thank you for being willing to share. Thank you for being so open. This kind of reflection and honest admitting to flaws while being kind to yourself needs to be normalized, which seeing others do will help to make it happen.

[@IrethEdelstein]

Oh Vera, I truly felt like I was laughing with you during that last part. Thank you for sharing this roallercoaster of emotions.

[@TheLadyBlerd]

Literally one of the most cathartic YT moments in awhile (at least for me) thiiiiiiiisssssss is beautiful moment.

[@evilcaptainred]

I adore this!!! Like I really appreciate your vulnerability here!! Man, I didn’t know how much I needed to see someone speak about such a common part of creative life, while being compassionate to themselves and the other person. So relatable. We press on tho, cuz that’s part of the process! 🖤🖤🖤

[@normalgamergal]

As someone who enjoys writing, I absolutely feel this on a deep level. Also, your laugh at the end made me feel a little happier for some reason. Stuff has been stressful on my end, and sometimes that kind of cathartic laughter, even from someone else, is a nice reminder how ridiculous life is. Vera, don't forget you're a treasure.

[@johnhmaloney]

I loved this video! Especially, your relief at the end. I know that feeling of being so nervous about something that turns out to be nothing and that uncontrollable laughter that comes after. The 'what am I doing wrong?' portion also deeply resonated with me. I'm a musician, podcaster, and poet and I'll be 51 nest month. So, I've been doing all of them for many years and I've never gotten anywhere. I grapple with that question almost daily.

[@godessesque]

ok whenever I comment I always try and watch the video in its entirety first BUT... as a fan of both you and Abigail for years now... I absolutely ADORED your cold open

[@ooooneeee]

Not with the hilarious twist ending to this video 😂😂😂 your laughter is delightful. Thank you for your honesty about your doubts and insecurities and all that. Please keep doing what you do, including being this vulnerable

[@pennycheshire5608]

Honestly, thank you for this. The raw exploration of your self criticism really helped me understand my own better. And I laughed so hard with you at the end. So completely relatable.

[@auntieelaine]

Omg, I was watching your conclusion, and I was like, "I didn't think that was out yet?" 🤣🤣🤣

[@tuxedojunction9422]

What this was was an insightful little bit of self talk therapy. Self awareness is good. Many (so many!) people can't recognize their emotions and trace them back to the source. We've all got conflicting emotions, or emotions that maybe we're a bit ashamed of, and this is a great example of how to face them and dissect them.

[@FriendlyGhost02]

Coringou!! You turned on full Joker there!! I don't know what it is about you Vera, but that's all you, right there. There's the dedication, thought and research you put into things.. your unique take on media.. but there's also personality, and love for what you do no matter how hard it can be.. But yeah, it's normal to look to the sides and wonder why others are in a different place to where you're at... thanks for sharing! ❤️

[@Ziggi_onthe_RISE]

Thank you for this vulnerability. I find it so relatable because I want to be a writer, and have dreams of being published someday, and I do much of the same when especially certain favorite authors of mine come out with a new book. Part of me knows I’m probably going to love it, but fears it might not live up to my self-imposed need to hype it. This is especially relevant when the topic or artist themself shares in my identity on the queered spectrum of gender because it feels somehow representational on a base level. I’m afraid to see myself laid bare in art because I have needed to protect myself against society in the past, so it is terrifying to conceptually see a part of yourself opened up, and possibly get critiqued as bad by yourself, or others. You’re right, it’s illogical, but a real feeling, and it’s healthy and encouraging to see you make space for fear to unwind and be accepted as a part of daily life. Being messy and vulnerable and real is important, and builds community because we can see ourselves in one another, and I appreciate this in the video here because you share it in a way that is in my opinion far superior to some other creators who hardly scratch the surface of real human experience when they try to show vulnerability/relatability. This felt genuine in a way that is much deeper.

[@joxclever]

Comparison being the thief of joy, this is a super relatable freak out you're having. I tend to go the other way, into a bit of Schadenfreude, and I REALLY have to have a word with myself about it.

[@Anna-yy9so]

This is such a beautiful, honest video. I love that you can talk about your insecurities like this - just acknowledging that they're there, and not blaming anyone else for them. I hope I can get there someday.

[@angiep2229]

Oh, this was wonderful. For a moment as the intermission happened I thought maybe you had access that I don't! I empathize with you, though. I've been writing for decades. And I've never published anything. I can't stand to read books by those people who published as teenagers. I feel this incredible resentment. So I get it. Something about the end of your video is cathartic, and I love it. Thank you for sharing this look at yourself.

[@superpheemy]

I've shared the feelings you expressed here so many times in my life. Thank you so much for sharing them with me, because you are one of the inspirations that keep me striving in my own creative journeys. And regarding your ending.. Because I was still watching after intermission! ALL THE HEARTS! (and a chuckle in solidarity with you)

[@SaintDharma32]

ADHD Overthinker, party of one.

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

MOOD!

[@ericapelz260]

I feel seen.

[@brannadov]

I hope one day you can write another play, one that is I'm sure just as wonderful as your first, and can shared with a wide audience. I would be so excited for that!

[@catherineelmore2004]

Vera, the rawness here that you could have just kept to yourself - and yet you were willing to share with us... That takes a level of maturity that a lot of people don't have, and that I admire the heck out of. Mad respect here, Vera.

[@catherineelmore2004]

Also... I think R + G Are Dead holds up. Was in a production in college and I think it was more than just the meta that made it good- Stoppard had more commentary to make than just the meta, at least in my opinion.

[@XYVARIA]

Really great video, and quite relatable as a fellow content creator I've had a lot of these same thoughts and it's kept me from enjoying a lot of content that I otherwise, probably would've enjoyed. Thanks for being so open about your feelings on this, it's been helpful to see that I'm not the only one who's a bit afraid if watching content similar to mine for those very reasons, it's something not a lot of other creators would be so honest about, and it's one of the reasons I love your channel ❤

[@pattiwicksteed3731]

Thank you. Angst is something most of us hide. That you filmed it and then added your very natural reaction to not checking.... and posted it is laudable and, well, thank you again. Be well, Vera.

[@Alex-ph5ir]

This was a super relatable video, and it was really helpful for me to hear someone talk about these kinds of feelings -- especially someone who creates things I happen to enjoy and respect!

[@firey171]

This was hard to watch, in the best of ways. You are strong, and unique and full of sincerity. I believe every word you say about irrational thought and feelings, about knowing yourself and simultaneously doubting yourself. I've had these conversations with myself too, alone in the mirror or in the car. I've been struggling to pen down a novel for over a decade now, and I fear it will never reach anyone else. Sharing this took so much strength and grace and you should be proud. You are funny and insightful and beautiful. Thank you, for being you, even when you're afraid.

[@gamewrit0058]

The mom of a friend just published her first novel at age 93, and it's getting great reviews. It's never too late!

[@itsmarthai]

What you did is create a masterpiece about an inherent danger to the creative endeavor and the fact that vulnerability sometimes is not pretty - neither from the inside nor from the outside, thank you for doing that

[@siansoneashenanigans]

The thing is, not finding an audience is not the same as not producing work that is valid and worthwhile. We see the types of things that go viral, that blow up, and we all ask ourselves “what’s so special about this?” Sometimes it isn’t about the quality of the work itself-whatever that means. Think of all the silly movies and novelty songs that become #1 hits. Think also of a random unpopular movie or song that you discovered that became a favorite, that almost no one else talks about. Striking a chord with the public can happen regardless of the “quality” of work. “If you’re still here, why?” Because this was an exploration of your own psyche, and I think that’s a worthwhile exercise regardless of the subject that serves as the basis for that exploration. Your perception of what Abigail Thorn’s work _might_ be gives you a mirror to examine your own work and your feelings about it, I think that’s great. And you asked some important questions, and I think some of them remain to be answered, and I hope you will follow up this video somehow once you do see _The Prince._ From where I'm sitting, at the center of this issue is that we who create art feel the need to compare ourselves to other artists. I think to whatever degree we can, we should resist that natural impulse. Do we create art for approval from other people? For status and prestige? For money? Or do we create art because we need to in order to satisfy something within ourselves? I think it’s that last one. To my way of thinking, if we succeed at satisfying that need to create, and we share our work and it doesn’t “find an audience”, it was still worthwhile. It’s still out there, and who knows if it will find an audience at some point in the future. It could happen. It does happen. Vincent Van Gogh is the textbook example of someone whose work had a limited audience during the window of time he could appreciate his audience directly. Franz Schubert would have faded into obscurity if not for the efforts of later composers who championed his work. And there are probably still people today who think their work is both overrated and underrated. Art is subjective, you don’t have to be Abigail Thorn to know that. That subjective experience is valid for each person, there’s no right or wrong way to appreciate art, even silly movies and novelty songs. One of my artistic outlets is making Wheel Of Time-based song parodies, and I have a pretty small audience, but it still gives me some kind of creative fulfillment to make them and share them, even though it’s not something that would ever or could ever ‘pay the bills’, this is niche content even by KZbin standards. But long ago I sort of decided that my artistic outlets and paying the bills would be two separate things, and if I could ever find a synergy there, great, but if not, that’s okay too. Paying the bills with your art can feel like the pinnacle of success or it can feel like selling out, again, there’s no right or wrong way to feel about it, it’s such a personal thing. You just have to be satisfied with the work itself, and if down the road someone else likes it too, to me that’s a nice bonus. I think the important question to ask is “am I satisfied with my own artistic output, and if not, why not?”

[@bombsite1847]

Thank you so much Vera for being so open, honest and thoughtful. I could empathise with a lot of what you spoke about as somebody who also writes plays but hasn't had any full-length work produced, and I've often had a lot of the same insecurities and worries. What I take comfort in is that no two people could write the same thing- you could give two writers identical concepts and plots and you'd more than likely still get very different things. And also, art is so subjective and you'll very often run into people who love something you can't stand or vice versa, so the concept of best and worst is often meaningless on a collective or objective level and there's no accounting for taste. Our playwriting will develop and progress at different rates, and just finishing a piece of work is an achievement in itself, no matter how successful or prolific it turns out to be. I have to say I'm not completely over the issues you spoke about myself but you're not alone and the courage of sharing this and putting out any sort content at all can never be understated.

[@QuiteBearish]

Oh my goodness. I'm cry-laughing at the end. I feel like I've never connected with you more than right there because that is totally something I'd do 😆 Thanks for running the meetings. You're amazing. And I just realized your play is part of KU so I just downloaded it to give a read ☺️

[@restingsithface]

I asked Abigail when it was due for release on her last video, and she said April, so a little while more to wait I'm afraid! I'm dying to see it :)

[@blinkfilms1]

This is deeply deeply deeply relatable. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@jenniferdebeneditto6075]

Hugs. As someone who is an artist/craftsperson Who has to keep her bank job I hear you so much.

[@FirstLast-jg8rw]

Don't forget she's upper class with all the contacts and financial support that entails, unfortunately it's rarely just a case of pure talent that brings success, in the arts especially. You can work your ass off but sometimes it's out of your control what makes the difference getting your foot in the door.

[@voltijuice8576]

_Spicy!_ I know what I'm watching with my noon tea! Wasn't aware of this project of Abigail's. But I can confirm from my own (rather less erudite) experience that deep self-criticism can be scary for others. Even without Machiavelli! Some see it as a weakness of self-deprecation. Others can't take it at face value so assume I'm really critiquing them, or making some other rhetorical point. I wish that people were gently encouraged to be more introspective and self-critical, at least sometimes.

[@rachelbecknell4259]

I am an introvert. I am glad you feel safe enough with us here to share this much of yourself with us. I keep my self to myself most of the time on-line. I do political organizing some, I share controversial but unimportant taste opinions (like my theory that beans are not food; they are angry rocks pretending to be food), but I largely keep the vast amounts of self I have to myself, as I do not trust people writ large with me. You are either far more extroverted than I or have built up a really incredible and supportive audience here. I thank you for the gift of yourself. Also, those frames are bitchin' and I want them.

[@B-MC]

When you sat back down and laughed i thought "...is it so bad it wasnt worth worrying about, or so good you realised it didnt matter because it was a positive experience" and then... BEST. PAYOFF. EVER. This encapsulated the cycle of anxiety and release perfectly. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed, and today gave myself permission to take a break, from ALL OF IT, and the level of laughter that came out of you at the end here was the level of laughter was the level of laughter from me that yesterdays me didnt think was possible with tension and tears along with it. So, this was perfectly timed. Getting caught up in insecurity, fear, feeling stuck, and then the realisation that when you let it all go, let it out in a controlled environment, and the tension truly lifts, it all suddenly seems impossibly easy, something we couldnt imagine only a day ago.

[@idab9958]

From one person working in a thankless field to another, I know the feeling. I'm currently not doing well professionally due to circumstances out of my control, and I constantly compare myself to other people who are doing better, despite knowing it makes no sense. It's a deeply human urge and it says a lot about you that you are able to recognise it for what it is.

[@jeffbaskin6851]

The best description of success I've ever heard was, "when luck meets skill." Colonel Sanders was 58 when he created the winning combination that became KFC. Estelle Getty's acting career didn't start moving until she was appearing on "Golden Girls" at the age of 62. Also Grandma Moses became a world class artist in her 70s. Just because your piece of luck hasn't hit your skill set yet doesn't mean it's not going to. You just have to keep casting the dice until it does. The other option is giving up, which is not really a good option because playing the game is more fun. And, who doesn't like to have fun. You've mentioned that you have a daughter, so I leave this parting thought: who would you rather be George Bailey or Mr. Potter? This is my fumbling attempt at being a Clarence.

[@tarabound]

It is not easy to go over something like this, even privately, in ones own mind. It is brave of you. Thank you for showing us this type of doubt, it is such a lesson for us to see a strong person deal with their inner thoughts. I wish you happiness, peace, and success-however you define it.

[@robthurgood]

I was lucky enough to see one of the preview performances of The Prince in London last year. I went to the theatre more times last year than I had in the previous five years combined and The Prince was hands down my favourite. It was absolutely brilliant from start to finish.

[@PirateQueen1720]

25:50 - You are correct that "This person who generally does great work made something mediocre = my lack of success in that field is my fault" is a scary but irrational thought. Besides the factors you mention, when someone is successful in and good at field A, people often will give them a shot at field B...even in cases where the skills wouldn't logically be expected to transfer. Abigail getting a chance to have her play staged DOES make sense given her background, but: Remember when Michael Jordan tried to take up baseball? Him not being as good at baseball as at basketball was not a reason for anyone who didn't make it as a baseball player to feel worse about themselves. Hugh Laurie is a fine comic and dramatic actor, and he can sing. I tried to read his crime novel, and I had to DNF. But that shouldn't discourage anyone else from trying to get their crime novel published!

[@TimLesher]

I'm not sure why KZbin's algorithm suggested this video for me, but... wow. What a roller coaster. Subscribed.

[@NotmyRealname-xs6hb]

Hi Vera. I just watched your video, and it felt like experiencing my internal narrative of reading other writers. Over the eight years where I was seriously researching publishing as an industry, where I was writing and revising my first novel, I would run this same track--or at least one very similar. I would be torn between being able to enjoy a better creator and being disheartened by how much I still needed to grow. I would feel betrayed when I could start to see what I thought were flaws in those works, when what had changed was my critical eye for my personal preferences in a story and my practice in using it. Sometimes I still go through that cycle, though my relationship to other creator's works has improved drastically since I set writing as something that is and always will be a joy-driven hobby for me. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what it is either. Breaking down the parts doesn't really show how it all works together. There's still something missing from the equation. But knowing that someone who does things I can't, better than I ever could, with thoughtful critical insights into media and the business behind it that I don't believe my own discussions with my friends could ever live up to no matter how much I sometimes try...it's comforting to know this kind of creative anxiety isn't something that's only in my head, even if it is all in my head. Thank you for sharing.

[@belovedchristmas]

I felt this. All. Of. It. And I love you and your content so much. I'm a baby youtuber ( Food and crafts, I'm still at the point where I get excited over a single subscriber) and this crazy roller coaster ride you took us on... led to a huge conversation about my own insecurities as a KZbinr... and the people who are definitely more professional.. and have more contacts than I do.. and the fact that if it wasn't for the fact that I have a solid income coming from somewhere else, I would not be able to do this at all. If I was just trying to be on the merit of my work I would be starving and homeless. I wanted you to know.. You're one of my favorites I personally love watching you sit in front of a wall of toys and talk about Doctor Who. And as long as you keep doing it I'll keep watching. Btw I just bought your books.

[@phoebegee54]

Hey, your channel looks good, subscribed!

[@belovedchristmas]

@@phoebegee54 awesome! should have a video on tomato soup up in couple days.

[@dazerla]

I believe she said it would out at the end of the month. Sounds like your anxiety took over or I could see myself making a video like this for that reason.

[@SpeedyShimeji]

You sat in front of the camera and processed through your emotions for half an hour. Hope it helped somehow! Also, your laughter at the end is Great. What an ending to the video. Top ten anime plot twists of all time.

[@jenb7756]

Your meltdown was very relatable. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom

[@Brunoxsa]

Thank you for the video, Vera! And your reaction at the end was hilarious! I do not believe in objective/impartial critique of media. Your background, experiences in life, preferences and, sometimes, even your current mood will influence your opinion when reviewing something. You could hate a work being praised by many people "universally", and you could enjoy a work despite it being considered bad or problematic. That is why I usually enjoy more reviews where your opinions are different from the my own. A sincere and different perspective is always welcome. And about the fear of doing something wrong in order to be successful: let's be sincere, skill/talent do not always align with opportunity. Considering how there are lot people with dubious talent having fame and acclamation in any media field, the opposite is also true. And to expect that every new work by somebody you did admire will always be excellent or at least good, it is also very unrealistic.

[@Yan_Alkovic]

It is really fascinating how you managed to foresee how your thought process would go before anything even happened!

[@ashleykabbes9316]

This was extremely relatable and human and hard to watch honestly because I understood so hard and felt so called out!!! I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in all of those feelings. I bet when it's out to watch, you will feel much better and less scared to watch because you have already worked through and processed these feelings.

[@Grimalkins]

This was incredibly brave and raw and emotionally honest, and I really respect it, but the ending just made me cry with laughter! I’ve laughed so hard I think I’ve pulled something! Thank you for being you. x

[@DeannaGilbert616]

Post Intermission thoughts. This. Was. Great! I laughed, I cried. I signed up for your Patreon. 😂🎉😊 This might just be the best video you’ve done. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@VehpuS]

When I realized you were planning to watch it immediately I was so worried for you. Glad you took it in laughter 😂

[@VeganAtheistWeirdo]

It's been a very long time since I can remember having these feelings associated with a specific person, but you've done such a great job of articulating them that I knew exactly what you were describing. For what it's worth, please remind yourself that there are over 7 billion people on this planet. Most of those who try to start a KZbin channel will give up after a couple videos. Some will keep going anyway, never getting more than 5 subscribers, all of whom know them IRL (except that one who always seems a little too engaged). Much of the "success" and popularity in this realm, just like in the rest of life, is based on factors _outside of your control._ You're doing so much better and succeeding so much more than you realize when you fall into the comparison trap. You have multiple successful KZbin channels. You created a fairly popular TikTok presence, not once but twice. You've published fiction, nonfiction _and_ a play! And you don't wake up on TERF Island every day.

[@Tiffany__B]

i loved LOVED this video and your self analysis, but i especially loved your big laughing moment at the end 💗

[@felisazure1820]

I have no idea what play you're talking about, and yet, I still adore this video because you do such a good job of articulating an artistic struggle I have had for years. Not only just the jealousy and unfairly comparing one's self, but the fear that others will see your opinion as performative because of one's history. I especially love how you go into how that can paint our own biases, I know I too have some premises I won't touch with a ten-foot pole due to either being tired of it or seeing several bad iterations of it. I think it's even harder when creators whose work you tend to like do this, because there's always the fear with their next project it might break your "I love it!" streak (at least, this is how I feel), and topics such as this only intensify that anxiety. But, watching this video, you helped me realize something about my own jealousy issue and that I feel the same as you do. If creators I adore fall, it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. So thanks for this. This is definitely a video I will be rewatching when I let these things get me down.

[@forschungstorte]

Chapeau! Applause and trowing roses in your direction. Wow, this is one of the most moving and important videos I have seen in a while. Thank you so much for your bravery and just speaking those messy feelings and thoughts out loud into the world. It's nothing short of brilliant. As a designer I relate so much, seeing colleagues deliver what I call "hogwash" to clients, I can pick apart like you do that trope, and still be more successful than me because of so many other unrelated reasons. And on a deeper level, you are doing something that is very important for all of us on this planet Earth: Showing us all the messy way how sustainable strength is built. Your vulnerable self-reflection of those ruminations are emblematic of how we wind ourselves up and project our inner monologues on to other people. Family, colleagues, friends, people in our community or neighborhood. So much suffering in the world can be alleviated by self-reflecting and having the strength to show vulnerability and talk about your self-doubt. That's so strong in my books. Especially with all that laughter in the end. Fantastic.

[@ace.of.space.]

I paused right after the intermission because I thought oh! i want to see it before I hear what you think! and then learned everything you did

[@joniroberta1950]

Sometimes life is just absurd! I did get a good laugh at the end, so thanks for that. I always enjoy watching your videos even if they don't have the production values that Abigail Thorn or Jessie Gender put into theirs. It's your voice and opinions I want to hear. I think your personal self evaluation is caught up in your respect for and evaluation of Thorn. So you are afraid of being disappointed because it might diminish yourself as well. But please respect and value yourself in spite of that. The one personal experience this reminded me of was a few years ago when I visited Taos. One day I made a long drive to the west on the highway and then about 15 minutes along a bumpy dirt road to visit the ranch where D.H. Lawrence was living with Mabel Dodge Luhan for a couple years while he did some writing. When I finally got to the gate I learned that the place had just closed for the day and tours were not available! Fortunately I was able to drive back and to the west and got some nice pictures of the bridge over the Rio Grande Gorge.

[@hamlettohamilton350]

Heya! 1) Love your channel. 2) Playwright (and specifically verse playwright) here. 3) I saw Abi's play in London and if you haven't seen the play yet, I think you WILL like it. I've seen a million Shakespeare adjacent plays (well, I help people write verse plays), but the content of "The Prince" actually justifies the context of people waking up from playing assigned roles. I appreciate you putting your fears out there, though. Keep breaking legs and I'm fascinated to know what you think of the show if you do end up seeing it.

[@MydieLy]

Why are we still here? Because we frickin' love you! Your authenticity is a rare gem to be found on this glossed up platform Idk what the heck this was either, I just know I watched it from start to finish and would subscribe again in a heartbeat if I could Because it's so ... *you*. And that's what I subscribed to. You.

[@jq77]

Your laughter is so infectious. Hope you're feeling better.

[@SimberPlays]

Oh this is quite relatable even though I haven't been making videos for that long.

[@bluebird6883]

Thank you so much for your honesty and openness. It is way too real, I feel like this all the time surrounding different subjects and artistic/professional areas. Comparison is a beach. You are valid and worthy Vera ❤. And I can't wait to read your play now.

[@loftus4453]

This is an exceptional video. I’ve been having trouble relating to some of your content in the past year or so. I’ve felt a bit alienated to be honest, which may have more to do with me than you. I’m not sure. This video reminded me what made me a fan of your work in the first place. Thank you for giving us this view into you, and ourselves.

[@Natelu-Sama]

this was a very good video. i cant fathom putting something so personal up, and even though its clearly specific to you its a concept i think i needed to hear from someone else. mad respect

[@serenitywobbit1173]

I love your introspection, self-awareness, easy vulnerability and ability to laugh at yourself. Never change. X

[@serenitywobbit1173]

Also, I too was afraid to watch the play, and you made me. 😅 So there.

[@RedSpade37]

I always have just enough spoons to watch your content!

[@chrisspaight2955]

I think all creative people have moments like this. But I will say that the next time you start to get picked up in this tide, a good way to ground yourself is to remember a time when you saw something truelywonderful that had no audience. It’s usually a singer in a bar or coffee shop, because it’s easier to stumble on them randomly with an algorithm redirecting you to look eslsewhere. Success in these fields has always had a degree of luck involved and always will

[@bookcat123]

That inability to turn the analysis off - even without being intertwined with professional validation - can be so annoying. In college I took… what I’ve referred to as “Stupid Movie Class” for so long I honestly have no memory of what it was actually called. I used the name for many reasons. But one annoying part of it was that for a couple years after I simply could NOT sit down and watch a movie without my brain labeling parts and techniques and screaming stuff like “screen continuity!” to the point where I was unable to pay attention to / enjoy the actual plot - nor even enjoy the art of any given moment in it. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been had I had any intention of actually going into the field, where I would be professionally expected to know and analyze such things. Without that professional pressure, I have broken the habit the class built of immediately and reflexively analyzing and memorizing every single detail to the detriment of the overall picture, and can enjoy movie analysis as friendly casual discussion and entertainment.

[@TangibleReads]

love love the dress, and enjoy your discussions. have no idea about The Prince

[@easterslice]

Vera, let me tell you as a playwright who has had several productions, there's no shame in not having your work produced yet. Everything play I've had produced happened through sheer luck. I happened to fall in with a group that needed material -- several of us contributed to the writing, but only about three of us liked it enough to write entire plays. Then, when I moved, I had a resume that led me to writing children's plays, and later on, to another group that wanted original plays tailored to the company. Abigail Thorn is dealing with a system that is completely different to our American system. I think (although I don't know for certain) that the British are more supportive and nurturing to their theater artists. In the BTS video, Abigail mentioned that she worked with the producer on her script for years before it was staged. In America, I feel like artists (whether actors or writers) are set up to fight for the privilege of work, and that the expectation is that the cream will rise to the top. This is not true. What can happen is that the right play will appeal (for any of reasons) to a producer at the right time. There are probably thousands of better plays that aren't staged, merely because the company is looking for X and the other plays are about Y.

[@siginotmylastname3969]

I'm not sure Abigail shows that. I get the impression she's had a somewhat privileged life in terms of wealth and building connections in industry, and fortunately didn't lose it all when transitioning. Drama music and the likes are all pretty similarly run here to me: the moment people go to one of the "good" schools the world opens up, but it's easy to be locked out otherwise. Before uni I auditioned for three conservatoires as a pianist, got rejected from all, and my teachers on a scholarship for state school students did believe it was lack of connections too. In fact that was true of other people on the scholarship too, many applied for BBC musician of the year but I think all of them struggled to get through one round despite being both extremely talented and much younger than me - while about 70% of competitors on tv seem to be students at two or three top private schools. Some of them together with the teachers were actually trying to use opportunities and connections from the scholarship to get into a private school with music focus for that reason. The drama industry also massively focuses on this and I've heard this from a uni housemate who was still struggling to get into RADA because she expected her career to be over otherwise. It's not that there are no other options, but the industries are massively classist and use these sorts of filters all the time. I don't know about Abigail's career much, but she's never hidden that she has some privilege in her background so far as I can tell.

[@ZukiTanuki]

I relate to these thoughts so much. I see people doing what I am trying my best to do and succeeding, where I am still flailing. Its strange cause it doesn't feel so much like jealousy; it feels more like something I am doing, in spite of my hard work, doesn't count. Is it me? Why do I feel like I am able to compare myself to them? And yet, occasionally you see someone you look up to and you can see a "thing I could do better" and knowing its not your place to say so, cause if you know better... why are you yourself not successful? It hard.

[@thisiseeade]

I relate to this SO MUCH - not the abigail stuff, but the jealousy. I can only describe it as a very certain type of creative rage. For me, the feeling comes from having confidence in my art and my creativity (I also have been writing for as long as I can remember) and then, due to circumstances entirely out of my control (in my case, mostly class) being denied the opportunity to actually do something with it and have it be successful. Every time I see a mediocre musician essentially pop out of nowehere and find instant fame and recognition, I want to scream into the void and smash my head against the wall. You're not alone, thank you for sharing, and for what it's worth, I love your channel 💞

[@emilyrln]

Thank you for sharing this! I learned something about myself as a writer and critique partner that I think will help me going forward. Much love 💕

[@Lohengrin1850]

Your laugh was incredible, that's my take on this video!

[@StealingFocus]

Ok I'm only a few minutes in but I had to comment, as a theatre producer. The BEST way I can recommend for you to get your play out there is to produce it yourself. And Fringe Festivals like my local one, the Hollywood Fringe, are a way to get a diverse group of voices together producing and SEEING work that might not get out there otherwise. It's not easy, especially if you don't live somewhere with a thriving theatre scene, but I promise you, if you can scramble together funds for a couple nights in a black box, you'll put yourself miles ahead (also audience feedback). Ok back to your wonderful - as always - content!! :)

[@tonibooka]

I wanted to say something, than realized I had no idea what to say but wanted to leave a comment, anyway. You are, indeed, beautiful and loved :)

[@tunafarrell2067]

I admit, I held off watching this for a few days, I was worried that you were going to trash Abigail Thorn. Your reaction at the end was priceless.

[@nathanyou1899]

Other people make great videos but honestly mate this is high fucking art.

[@taeheepowers2537]

When my boyfriend and I watch movies and shows together (especially his favorites), he always has to brace himself because I always have something to say about it. I am someone who's been writing regularly since middle school as well and I'm very passionate about creating things and self expression. You were able to say in clearer words why we are the types who end up finding it hard to consume content sometimes for multiple reasons. I appreciate knowing we share this irritating, nonesensical trait! It is irrational and unfair, yet we critique and refine our own imperfect creations, too. Watching the Last of Us with my boyfriend has been great because for once I have nothing bad to say and he LOVES that XD

[@Himbros]

Vera. To comfort you, I can only say that the main difference is geographical. Without saying anything about the quality, Europe loves theater, especially Paris, Milan and, London. Trust me, you have no idea how many theaters there are, and how many plays gets produced. Also English people have a thing for Shakespeare, and anything vaguely related gets more help.

[@pashortt123]

This shit was absolutely breaking my heart, and then that outro. That really is the Universe playing a massive joke to say "get over yourself" Fair fucks for actually uploading this; you're a badass. I do relate though. I had my first book out 12 years ago, by some useless family-run publisher in Utah who don't even have that series available in print anymore and won't return the rights. Since then I've been stuck self-publishing stuff I'm lucky if 10 people read. I completely get that feeling of wanting the people you respect to be better than you if they're more successful. At least we can make snide comments about the ones we don't like, right?

[@SocialNomad]

Sooooooo are we getting a part 2 now that the play is out? 👀

[@Geospasmic]

The fear I won't like something has kept me from engaging with a lot of things that I would have enjoyed. I don't know why it happens, the turmoil inside is irrational but complicated. Your discussion was very helpful to me and I'll remember it next time I get that anxiety. And the ending got me laughing 😆

[@weejas]

When you can, watch it. I'm not a fan of the self-aware character trope, and I was blown away by it. Also, damn. This video is a *roller-coaster*.

[@catalinavaldivia3730]

I don't know what Abigail's background is but I think connections play a very important role in her success versus that of you and other writers.

[@umimo]

Vera, I love how you are always so emotionally open about your thoughts on media! There're not a lot of media reviewers who do that, and this emotional openness about media is so refresshing to watch! Also, as someone who have also been working in the creative field for years, I relate so fucking much with every single point you made in this video. I think every creative does, at least once in their lives, experience these thoughts of creative jealousy of someone else's success. Most of my friends are artists, and it's so crazy how I feel that jealousy torwards them, but then some of them will turn to me and say they have that same creative jealousy torwards me lol. And in the end that's all crazy and stupid, but which artist ISN'T insecure, crazy and paranoid to an extent, right? 😆

[@himitsukun6874]

I know there's a low likelihood of you ever reading this comment and I almost never leave comments because of that but yolo I'm currently going through a very difficult phase myself as a creator (writer) and had weirdly similar feelings about The Prince (though I'd still like to watch it...I think?). I'm not even a playwright (though I did give up acting), but I do feel a tiny bit of "professional jealousy" towards Abigail more in the sense that I always feel like people with platforms have so many more advantages in pushing their art out there...whereas I really hate social media and feel so much stress and pressure to engage so that people will have any chance of seeing what I make. In that way, it was really insightful to see someone who has a considerable platform (yourself) speak openly about their struggles. I also feel like...I'm a transman, not transwoman, and have lived this way for several years now, but there's also the part of me that's like...well Idk if I'll ever be conventionally attractive or "pass" well enough to feel comfortable putting my face out there so, it's both inspiring and dispiriting to see other people successful in that regard. While I'm on the verge of releasing my first completed creative work (a game) and the joy it brings me to work on it vs. the drudgery of my daily corporate job it just makes me so sad...I would love nothing more than to dedicate myself to writing full time but it seems like it's impossible for all but the luckiest or most privileged few. And it was so hard for me to even be open about my writing and desire to write for a living, since a part of me figured it was easier if I never put it out there and never put myself out there so I couldn't be rejected, I could always have that fantasy of 'making it' someday. So I think it's very admirable to be able to even get past that first step...and I know how grueling and discouraging it can be. Anyways I'm not sure if I really said anything of value here or I'm just rambling but, I really think it's so impactful for other creatives to be open about how gosh darn hard it is for us these days in the capitalist hellscape we live in. And just being able to live off of your creative work is such an admirable feat. I had no idea you've written a play but as someone who is in the kink community and has friends in the community I really want to read it now and share it with my friends :)

[@Smellystrawberry]

You asking why we're still here. We're here for you