I'm Having a Hard Time Getting Over My Husband's Affair...

[@dancebrittany23]

She blamed herself for her husband's affair because she was dealing with post-partum depression, raising 2 kids, and working full-time. That is sad

[@Exploringgrowth]

Truly sad

[@lillybell2557]

He never said he was sorry

[@drew2fast489]

I mean, what if she's not wrong?

[@kellharris2491]

Her husband is a grown man responsible for his own actions and choices. The emotional toil his wife went through just to carry his children into the world and he is only thinking about his feelings. Her husband is beyond selfish. Part of being a man is taking care of his wife while she is caring for his children. Getting her help if she needed it. She was already carrying so much he was supposed to hold up his part in the relationship. Instead ahe had three children. He is selfish.

[@jackiemyers2773]

​@@drew2fast489 a woman can't be blamed for a grown man's decision. He could he could have left instead he played games.

[@ineedhoez]

She knows she isn't safe. That is why her body won't let her heal.

[@biancapierce639]

I agree. The only way to heal is to leave him.

[@sarahwales6276]

​@biancapierce639 Hell yes, children or not I would not tolerate nor forgive it. They know what is at risk when they cheat and they choose to do it anyway.

[@acerpalmatum6446]

The body keeps the score

[@rickycastro6555]

He fought for his mistress, didn’t want to lose her. Mistress finally dumped him, and you took him back, he knows when all else fails you’ll always be there. So when another woman enters his life that shows him attention and wants to have an affair, what’s going to stop him? He’ll just manipulate you into staying again.

[@respectabletampodcast]

I agree.

[@Aristaifly]

The caller can think for herself. By saying "he'll just manipulate you into..." you take the responsibility from the caller.

[@EadsB7002]

YES. He doesn’t really want to be there if this was the case. Anytime someone goes back out of guilt and obligation or because the other relationship didn’t work out it is doomed for disaster.

[@JoeGarofaloII]

That may or may not be true but the concept behind what you're saying is solid. When I finally told my ex-wife, I'm not doing this anymore, I physically saw the control she lost over me coming out of the look on her face

[@princesslamour1985]

Yup

[@SimplyFitwithJay]

So he cheated and she allowed him to choose between the mistress and her? Nah.

[@aledomer6805]

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYINNNNNN'

[@Kodak718]

I was like 🥴🥴🥴

[@lynnebucher6537]

Yeah, I would have bailed out when he chose the mistress over me.

[@aimeeglatt3299]

RIGHT??!! Typical Pickmeisha. Sad.

[@ineedhoez]

Yeah..... that took me out.

[@belindagarza3958]

Forgiveness is one thing, allowing him to hurt you again is another.

[@siegfriedbraun5447]

Especially, if he's not contrite. I heard nothing about his feeling, let alone *expressing* any remorse!

[@Jenna-ok9wb]

Not all behaviours deserve forgiveness. Also, if you cannot forget, then you cannot forgive...IMO, You should never forget!

[@Lianne459]

Why do so many women think another baby is going to fix things? It's nuts and never works.

[@Ryan_DeWitt]

If anything, it will make things worse.

[@amydoran9987]

It definitely complicates things.

[@quitesweetly6963]

Too many.

[@curbtec00]

Often times it seems that people try to fix a marriage with having another baby. Best wishes to them.

[@PrecioustheMovie1]

yep, it's a lose/lose situation for everyone involved. ESPECIALLY for the child

[@stillpril8942]

Being cheated on especially after marriage and several children is traumatic. You can't just put it down.

[@TEM14411]

Everything is a choice. We choose our partners. We choose to accept behaviors. We choose to stay or go. We choose it all. The moment an individual accepts that truth, they are set free.

[@BeanMacdui]

@@TEM14411Everything is not a simple choice. You don’t choose to have postpartum depression and having to simultaneously take care of young children alone while your man is cheating. There are physical and financial barriers to having available choices. And your comment seems naive if you’re thinking EVERYONE has choices, everyone?! Like people born in third world nations and in extreme poverty?

[@bethanybrowne3803]

This wasn’t a one night stand “affair”...this went on for over a year!!!!

[@patriciairwin9491]

Yeah, I would not have taken him back.

[@aimeeglatt3299]

She literally waited for his decision while he went back and forth between her and the mistress! I cannot! 🤯

[@ineedhoez]

Amen!!!

[@lisaann9120]

Even a one night stand hurts

[@girlienerd]

Ladies, never, EVER be in a "pick-me" situation with a man. Married or not.

[@mchong3150]

😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

[@LettersfromSierra]

Infidelity will rock a person to their core. There is nothing more painful than infidelity. 😞😞😞

[@kiethmergard]

I agree. Not even abuse. Abuse is infidelity

[@breeeque]

Abuse is um worse

[@trishhuerta4577]

Alchoholism is CJ harder, and they cheat too

[@vernonu7314]

I've heard sexless marriages are pretty painful as well.

[@michelleeaton9282]

Infidelity is the product of a criminal mind.

[@AlyssaSaldana1]

Oh he’s gonna cheat again. If it was a one time thing, maybe the marriage could have been saved. However, he repeatedly went back to his mistress. He’s a repeat offender. He’s gonna do it again.

[@inalaska1208]

Yeah they never dealt with why he had an affair no one wrecks their marriage for no reason. worse than that he just learned that she'll stick by him no matter what I mean why was she willing to move with him when they were in the middle of getting a divorce?

[@texan903]

@@inalaska1208 Their marriage is over in all but the legal status. She's made it easier to cheat by having another child. Her husband will think she's stuck and assume she'll stay. Once the kids are all grown, if it even takes that long, she will file for the divorce. By then, her resentment will be so great that she will borderline hate her husband.

[@MariaSalazar-sq9so]

And some wives are so gullible it hurts!

[@aimeeglatt3299]

YUP!!

[@88pynogrl]

Agree- he’ll either cheat with another student, or eventually a colleague at work. It will always be in the back of her mind when he leaves the house, comes home late, or if he doesn’t answer her phone calls immediately. Sucky way to live- I’d rather be divorced.

[@appgirl25]

Nope, he's done. If they show you who they are, believe them.

[@yvonnemclaughlin4324]

She can’t work through it because she knows it was wrong to take him back. Do the right thing and listen to your inner voice. ❤️

[@nitareed4088]

This.

[@RBNY]

That’s what I felt in my heart. That she regrets accepting his behavior and staying.

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

​@@RBNY exactly cause she knows he'll just do it again

[@zarbins]

Many couples work through infidelity and in some cases it does strengthen their resolve and marriage. Delony's advice was much more prescient than your "listen to your anxiety response."

[@MagickIsPower]

@@zarbins Tell me you're a cheater without telling me you're a cheater. Infidelity NEVER strengthen a relationship. Show a little emotional intelligence.

[@myjeanification]

Adultery, abuse and addiction are deal breakers for me. I wouldn’t ever get over it.

[@quelquun2018]

It’s called being codependent, they don’t know how to stand on their own 2 feet and walk away💯💯💯💯

[@katemiller7874]

Nope I don’t know how people knew

[@katemiller7874]

Sorry. Stay

[@michelleeaton9282]

Infidelity is the product of a criminal mind.

[@samhellion]

😆🤡👮🏼

[@barbarahollands601]

You are dreaming. I wasted over 40 years of my life doing this kind of thing. I could have saved the kids heartache, myself heartache, and possibly have met a wonderful man and married a man that would have been a good father and husband. Gaslighting, lies, fake repentance. It never stops. As Christians we need to forgive but that doesn't mean to continue being a doormat. I stayed because I was the good Christian wife and would save him. No. I had grounds for divorce Biblically and I should have taken them.

[@pinklobelia2389]

My culture is very religious. Even though there is biblical grounds for divorce, staying with a cheating man is something that is considered tolerable. I just don’t get it.

[@EadsB7002]

Good for you! I am so sorry for what you have been through but is so refreshing to hear that you actually get it! I wish more women thought like you do. We need to love ourselves more & stand up for our self -worth. Too many women are not doing that!

[@nmc1859]

Wise woman 💜

[@IdiotSnakeParent]

Good lord, you just gave me a glimpse into my future. 🤕

[@EadsB7002]

@@IdiotSnakeParent Girl, run! Staying (tolerating) it will only enable them to keep hurting you...And believe me, if they know they can get away with it, they will keep on doing it. You are worth so much more!

[@heartlesslove9084]

Never try to win over a man when he is not doing same for you.

[@josephinenelan4204]

Would he forgive her if she cheated? Doubt it. Leave! Completely unequal, and in marriage you need equality.

[@josephinenelan4204]

@shadowofanubis66 She'd likely get divorced immediately and would feel even worse and even less equal. She's not his equal no matter what.

[@willowt9196]

Exactly! When my husband and I finally divorced after he went back to his affair partner, he told me that if I had done the same it would have been the end of everything. He would not have tried to work it out with me. That is the problem with having an unequal society for women and men. The men have the power to just leave and why women who mostly think of their children are terrified financially and for the well being or our kids.

[@kayvids8772]

She’s unsure because deep down she smells the BS. She knows she needs to leave. She’s suspicious of him and she should be.

[@bessiebreedlove4888]

This is Insane

[@coffeeblack1797]

Just bc she knows, it does not make it easy for some people to break their family apart. Yes he broke it already, she’s trying to hold it together.

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

​@@coffeeblack1797 but she didn't break it he did

[@RG-hf4et]

HOW MANY MEN WOULD PUT UP WITH THIS BS BEHAVIOR FROM THEIR WIVES ? ZERO!!!!! Start thinking like a man, stand up for yourself, show him the door, and stop with this fantasy of he is the love of my life. He proved to you and his family that he isn't.

[@aimeeglatt3299]

Omgggggg! This comment is everything!! 💯!! Can you even imagine a man sitting around waiting for his wife to decide on him or her boyfriend??!! WHY do women accept crap like this??!!

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

You are silly. You have no idea what some people, men and women, will put up with. When you love someone, you love them and men can love. I know it's a shocker, but they really can.

[@zerayacob3246]

There enough simps who don't wanna live without their wives

[@EadsB7002]

This!! So many women live in a state of denial...9/10 the guy cannot and won't change...they don't have to ...because they were led to believe they can get away with it. I have yet to see a scenario where it became anything different. You have to respect yourself in order for another to respect you.

[@l-train7876]

Ummm, some men go through this and tolerate this all the time.

[@nicorusso1526]

He’s really not a good friend or partner if he cheated in my opinion

[@AlyssaSaldana1]

I feel like it’s unfair to ask for her to just move on from the affair. It’s not that easy.

[@stephaniegonzales761]

Cheating is one thing but him going back and forth that he wants the mistress rather than his wife is another! I understand moments of weakness...kinda...but I will never be the second choice option! Bye boy!

[@amosiren]

Exactly! It would be hard enough to forgive a one night oopsy "bachelor party" mistake- but a full fledged affair/relationship with another woman? Yeah no.

[@MJWife07]

For real

[@BagsNBaguettes_327]

Yes ma’am

[@razmiddle9410]

He probably makes more money than her (if not all the money at this point) and they have three young children together, I can see why she'd feel so strongly about trying to make it work.

[@aimeeglatt3299]

Cuz you have self-esteem! 😘

[@emsquare2775]

He's having it all isn't he? The affair, then grad school. Of course he needed his wife back, alimony is too expensive when you need to pay for school.

[@moaraa2575]

Yes! There was a reason to hold on to wife for grad school. I was thinking a salary, or benefits. Didn’t consider child support on top of it or having responsibility of coparenting. Something tells me when he’s done, he’ll find someone else.

[@chelseybrown7511]

He didn't want to pay child support I bet. Happiest he's ever been...hmmm. Sounds like he's eating his cake too. You are worth so much more than what your getting. Prayers for you.

[@nazbah5929]

but if he stays he still has to pay for household right? maybe even more than child support. i would personally leave him but then again she has three kids its not that easy when kids are involved.

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

Or maybe he is the happiest he has ever been with her?? Marriages and the way you view your spouse change and if he has been having an affair and then maybe his view of his marriage was tainted but now that she is out of the way he can love his wife properly.

[@EadsB7002]

he is with most certainty still out doing whatever the heck he wants! i've seen this scenario toooooo many times! women who tolerate cheating and "give another chance" almost always end up regretting it /learn that the guy continued to cheat. It's sad but it is the truth 90% of the time!

[@michelleeaton6602]

Choosing to commit adultery is an absolute “dealbreaker” and “Biblical grounds” for divorce. Fornication is the end of the marriage. Full stop. The victimized partner needs to accept that her husband has destroyed the family and leave him ASAP.

[@vernonu7314]

Biblically, adultery (for a man) is having sex with another man's wife. Fornication is a sexual sin. Sin is a violation of the law (check the Torah). I don't recall seeing anything in the law that prohibits a man from having multiple wives/concubines. You must be thinking about something else.

[@blondegiraffe2023]

@@vernonu7314 there isn't anything that supports polygamy either. Polygamy isn't that great for the multiple spouses... only one spouse normally benefits and that is the one screwing all the spouses. That's not God's plan for marriage.

[@blondegiraffe2023]

It's not that simple when kids are involved and the cheater spouse shows repentance. But I normally agree with you.

[@vernonu7314]

@@blondegiraffe2023 You're right, there is no support for polygamy...but there is support for polygyny. Exodus 21:10, Deut 21 15-17, 2 Samuel 12 7-8, Genesis 4 19, 2 Chronicles 13:21, 1 Chronicles 3 1-9, Deut 25 5-10, Numbers 12 1, Deut 21 15. I can go on and on. Not only does The Most High allow polygyny, He gives us instructions on how to properly implement the concept. I understand that most women don't like the idea, but The Most High did not ask you or me what we thought about polygyny.

[@vernonu7314]

@@blondegiraffe2023 Just to be clear, in 2 Samuel the prophet Nathan is speaking for the Lord "Thus saith the Lord God of Israel..."

[@JoeGarofaloII]

I'm trying not to be a Pharisee here, but this dude sounds terrible! I can't phathom how someone can cheat on their spouse, especially with 2 kids and then keep going back to the mistress...for a year and a half?!?! I don't know how you can actively hurt someone you're supposed to love like that

[@dolphina3794]

You’re not a Pharisee, you’re just stating facts.

[@aimeeglatt3299]

And how SHE allowed herself to be treated that way!! 😳🤯

[@KerryLang]

Been there (sans kids). He won't change, and he will cheat again. Leave now while you can start over and still live your life. Don't let him steal your life from you.

[@EadsB7002]

you are absolutely right! Too many women wasting their time on men like this... settling or hoping they'll change. Just plain SAD! Move on and you will find better!

[@whitneyw.7919]

You can never start over with 3 kids or live your life. Let's be honest.

[@KerryLang]

@@whitneyw.7919 Not with that attitude you can't.

[@patriciairwin9491]

@@KerryLang , Depending on her age, shes right. It ain't easy after you've had multiple children with another man and look old.

[@KerryLang]

@@patriciairwin9491 No one said it would be easy, but it's better than letting yourself be abused. And it certainly won't happen if you don't go for it. It might be the best decision of your life.

[@grod805]

This show is getting more interesting than doctor phil. Where do they find these people?

[@Jeseneia]

I agree. I would listen to Dr. John than Dr. Phil any day. Dr. John is so authentic and genuine in his approach. Every time I see his video, I’m learning something about myself.

[@lisak7380]

Dr. Phil is scripted. It is an entertainment show.

[@samtackmier9274]

God-fearing folk who act like all is fine on the outside, but have some deep-rooted damage they have repressed and shoved and taken great pains to lock away, until the damage grows into a monstrous demon of their own making Trust me

[@EadsB7002]

oh it's far more prevalent than people want to realize or admit.....go look at some of the videos and comments on channels like marriage helper...this woman is no different....it's just so sad!!! We as women (and men) need to do way better.

[@lynnebucher6537]

It happens more than you realize.

[@aubreyalbanese4440]

This is such a hard call. Her heart will not heal from this because deep down she knows she can not trust him. I firmly believe in intuition. I think she knows that something will happen again and she’s guarding her heart. I couldn’t forgive him, especially since he wavered so much in his decision to reunite. She deserves a husband that doesn’t keep going back and forth. I think the ultimate insult is for someone you’ve loved so well to feel you’re not only replaceable, but to also be unsure if you’re who he wants. I agree with other comments, he’s only faithful until he’s tempted again.

[@jji7667]

What... are you thinking girl!? You think he will stay faithful after that??

[@EadsB7002]

He won’t. He’s been able to get away with it too many times. He’s probably STILL cheating as we speak. Having his cake and eating it too. I’ve seen it more than once with friends of mine.

[@MalloriDan]

Exact

[@sasameans]

Every woman has to decide what deal breakers are in a relationship. I know for a fact that this is a deal breaker for me personally. I won’t allow someone to dictate my worth by cheating. If you cheat then I’m out. Period. Plain and simple! I think it’s very simple. If your husband isn’t happy he needs to tell you. You don’t ever have a right to cheat on your spouse. You need open communication and then you can work on the issues. Cheating means your just to lazy to work it out, and means you are a very selfish person.

[@dolphina3794]

Exactly! Preach!

[@willowt9196]

Yes! My ex cheated because he was just tired to the expectations I had for our marriage, Like helping around the house, helping with the kids, not drinking 6 or more beers a night. Wanting to be able to plan for a future. Allowing me to have a say in major decisions that affect my life and our kids life / he did not allow that because he knew best and my opinion wasn’t as rational. I also went back - because he had me so beaten down and I did not want to be replaced by someone better (My ego). Only for him to get back with her 2 years later.

[@BrandonKuptzMusic]

Cut and run...like yesterday! There's plenty of honest non-cheaters out there...why waste any more time with a known cheater???

[@Wellington205i]

Easier said than done.

[@nmc1859]

3 babies and need of a provider, that's y

[@linjubar]

Who is she going to find with 3 little kids?

[@brookealicia92]

Why would she want another man is the question? He can’t be cheating outside of the home and helping in any meaningful way. Get a job and leave and file for child support

[@chrystallee1563]

My husband left me when I was 7 months pregnant. Denied our son and said I cheated. I stupidly stopped the divorce. He begged me for another chance to ‘make it work’ I took him back and moved to SC to be with him. Such a stupid mistake. He ignored me and our son for nearly a year. One day I packed up and left his ass and divorced him. Being with him was pure hell on earth. As of today, I’m happily remarried and my son is thriving. And my ex has chosen not to have anything to do with my son.

[@annstewart8506]

So glad you found happiness. I divorced my husband after 23 years when I learnt he was cheating. He turned his back on both our children as his ego was bruised. He never remember their birthdays or paid any kind of financial support. We struggled but, survived it all. We are all happier minus him and his BS.

[@Shay-yg7nm]

It is NEVER your fault that your partner went out and cheated. Dont blame yourself.

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

That's not true sometimes it is your fault. If you are withholding sex from your partner and you are not available for them sexually then yes it is your fault that someone might want to go out. Some people don't cheat but do other things but not everyone wants to masturbate but actually wants real intimacy so yes you can cause it. If you are a guy, not being available sexually and not being there emotionally can also make a wife cheat.

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

Then there are people who are just cheaters.

[@dpborn2721]

@@ASmith-jn7kf no it’s called divorce and move on. To sleep with someone outside of your marriage is your fault and yours alone, not your partners. Withholding sex and intimacy is not an excuse to hook up with someone else. People just need to grow up and be adults about the situations they cause.

[@willowt9196]

Easier said than done. Our society blames the person who is being cheated on - she must have done something to cause this. Then the person who cheated will want to flip blame on the spouse to help them not feel guilty and responsible.

[@Flash3-22]

@@ASmith-jn7kf in a real marriage there should be communication about why no sex. Expecting your partner to read your mind is the real issue. Now if it is a situation where this has been honestly discussed then perhaps couples counseling, investigating physical reasons etc. should be the next step. Cheating is the easy way out.

[@UnstoppableMorgan]

Woman that stay after infidelity blow my mind.

[@buibuibuirockineverywhere8701]

Such a heart breaking call. You can still hear so much hurt in her voice. I think she’s staying because he brainwashed her with bs (I’ve changed, I cut her off, I am committed to you- all BS) and she’s staying for their kids to have a family together. I hope she finds the courage to leave him. She deserves happiness and to be loved.

[@EadsB7002]

Yes. She needs to love herSELF now... and give herself and their kids a chance at a healthier home and life.

[@stephanie579]

I blamed myself for my husband’s affair too because I had MS, was recovering from injuries from a head on collision and had gained weight but then I realized his affair has nothing to do with me … he weaponized my issues to justify having a 2 yr affair … I am fully healed and physically feel amazing but he didn’t notice I had recovered because he didn’t see me while he was with his girlfriend … betrayed spouses should never blame themselves for their spouses bad behaviour … my husband still justifies his behaviour and I am ready to show him the door cause after 35 yrs I deserve better

[@nancyt6895]

No one, man or woman, ever forgets how betrayal of any kind feels. I don't believe she will ever be able to trust him again and she knows it. Simplify your life and move on. Co-parent.

[@whitneyw.7919]

It will never everbe a simple life with a broken family w/ 3 kids. Agree that betrayal is never forgotten

[@christinah2065]

Agree.

[@dolphina3794]

@@whitneyw.7919 the family was already broken and soon as he decided to cheat

[@andrewbenson8427]

Do yourself a favor, people. Don't take a cheater back. Find someone who values you enough they don't betray you.

[@oakiediaries9907]

Please Lord! Never let me be such a doormat

[@EadsB7002]

agreed!!! And she is just one of MANY women like this! It is so SAD!!

[@Picca65]

That's what I thought before I got married. Turned out to be easier said than done. Luckily I am out now and standing on both feet in all ways.

[@oakiediaries9907]

@@Picca65 me too! Sorry maybe I should have added "again " to my comment. All the best to your future!

[@Picca65]

@@oakiediaries9907 same to you💪

[@urdadshusband781]

Exactly. This lady isn't even a doormat anymore. She's the few pieces of string left that used to be a doormat

[@NT-bz5nh]

I wish she would’ve divorced him when she had the chance. Instead, she went back to him even though he choose another woman and continued to have kids with him. He will cheat again.

[@hiitscourt]

Not too late to get a divorce.

[@texan903]

He's probably still cheating. The only reason he came clean is because someone else was about to tell the wife if he didn't.

[@Wellington205i]

Divorce him and do what??? Single mothers who aren’t stable won’t survive after a divorce. Three kids, in graduate school, in a new state DURING A PANDEMIC.

[@EadsB7002]

Yep. NOT a smart move at all. Very unfortunate for her but he’s going to keep doing what he’s doing because he knows he can get away with it!

[@mollycule2792]

She should stay with him for finances until she’s stable and then she can leave

[@cheeseburger5555]

He recommitted to his wife because the other woman ended things with him.

[@AbnormalJustice]

100% facts

[@calgal5752]

💯

[@hs1athome]

So once when my husband and I was going through a very hard rough patch I would go to this grocery store. The clerk was always the same and was very flirty. I found myself asking myself why this guy was so sweet and helpful yet my husband couldnt be bothered. I could have chosen to continue going and open that door or stop going to that grocery store. Thankfully I chose the latter and nipped it in the bud. Listen until you realize Satan is always there to trip you up and plant these seeds you will continue to falter. Your choices even small ones lead you down paths you never would have taken outright. Protect your marraige. A good friend of mine told me a long time ago that I was HER friend, not her husband's (we were having a conversation about how couples think they all need to be friends). It was sage advice. I don't need male friends as a wife. I have seen friends who facebook their old flames and nothing good comes out of it. Who cares where their life has them? Focus on your own home. And for this lady she needs to realize this man is not worth hanging onto. A 6month affair is beyond a "cheating". He had a side chick he was willing to leave her for.

[@EadsB7002]

exactly!!! She is in total and complete denial. He is very likely still seeing the other woman OR will have another affair...it's only a matter of time. This is what happens in most of these cases. You stay and allow yourself to be disrespected, don't be surprised what you get!

[@bcreilly180]

Now, I will never tell anyone to stay with their cheating spouse and I'm very pro marriage. Infidelity is basically divorce, just skipping steps until you start seeing and then sleeping with someone else. My wife and I, before we got married, discussed cheating. It wasn't an easy discussion but we both know where we stand and I think it has benefited our relationship

[@26Bluegb]

He's 100% committed...when things are good

[@lizaw.7313]

He should be the one in therapy and proving himself to her every day! He should be reassuring her with all of his being that he will not do that to her.

[@lizwiens671]

You can hear the pain in this woman’s voice. She can’t trust him and I don’t blame her. He abandoned her when she was in the midst of her post partum depression and she scared it will happen again.

[@janeyrevanescence12]

My father was a serial cheater and Mom took him back both because she loved him and because she didn’t want my brother and me to grow up without a father like she had. He eventually left us for his mistress. Mom told me years later that if she had known that he would do it again…she would’ve packed us up and left.

[@MR3DDev]

I know people here wont like this but that is why is better to wait to marry after college. I met girls in college I swore I would have marry but I didn't and I am glad I waited as I met my wife later on. You are a different person when you are a student than when you are a working professional

[@texan903]

I wish had had the experience of a high school or college sweetheart. You have have the benefit of time to get to know one another while still young, and grow together. I think meeting someone with whom to have something lasting becomes infinitely more difficult later in life.

[@auroramothergoddess]

Yes more people need to wait to get married and have kids...some people shouldn’t even have kids or even get married

[@cd2659]

When he told you about the infidelity, it should have been the end of the affair. He went back to her a few times and blew his chance for trust from you.

[@Katrn30]

When you talked about her “part” in the infidelity it hit a nerve with me. My man cheated when our relationship was perfect…or so I thought. Upon much reflection I realized I had “settled” for him, and overlooked a few red flags from the beginning. After 5 more years I realized he has a pattern of cheating and I needed to love myself enough to set up boundaries. My responsibility in his infidelity was my acceptance of crumbs…I need to only accept the type of man who is willing to put as much as I do into the relationship.

[@SaystheTruth3]

I'm hoping you left him... Right? You deserve so much better!

[@blueseptember2174]

This comment is spot on 👏

[@FavoritesPersonal]

He got into graduate school and suddenly decided to recommit to his marriage. I think the mistress wasn’t willing to move to TN. When he realized the mistress wasn’t going to support his goals and dreams, he turned to his wife, knowing she was reliable. The wife should brace herself, because when grad school is completed, he’ll start looking for something new. This is a very sad call.

[@Efferheim]

It really sounds like the guy was cheating the entire marriage, likely with different people. Finally began cheating with someone he really liked, who may have been married to someone else and then was riding the wave of “if they get divorced, so will we” and when the other person finally ended up staying married to their spouse, he just decided to stick with his wife too.... for now. The fact that the entire time was difficult for him as well means he’s “committed” at the moment to their relationship, because the other relationship burned him. The reason she feels the marriage is stronger now than it was previously is because for the first time in most of their marriage, he’s NOT cheating on her. She’s less interested in him both for the cheating and because for the first time he’s focusing entirely on her and their kids, and that means she’s seeing more of who he is entirely for the first time. I base this on the way she’s describing it sounds almost exactly like what a friend of mine felt in this exact situation.

[@Efferheim]

The mistress might have also been pregnant/played pregnant.

[@Moneymojo6272]

Yep

[@edithtierce8209]

For once she isn’t vying for his attention because there isn’t another woman making him somewhat distant. So sad… Yes she definitely can see the difference in his behavior, probably more over the top and loving because he is trying to fix things and erase the past for now and that alone would be unsettling. Like this is what I get when you cheated but don’t have anyone else? So this is what I should have and could have been getting the entire time…? Ugh

[@goinggaga4ladygaga]

Exactly 💯 I will also add that ( in my case ) the reason for doubt is their words never aligned with their actions and you’re constantly comparing the two. When they are all in (seemingly) on the marriage they tend to love bomb to draw you back in, in you’re weakened ( want to believe anything but the truth ) star and then after they’ve suckered you in the narcissistic mask starts to slip and you get a glimmer of the old them, then they see if you’ve noticed and if you do the mask goes back on and you’re like what was that? Did I imagine that ? Is this a red flag etc etc and you’re always second guessing you’re thoughts, feelings and instincts; because they were obviously wrong before It really is a mind #@$&

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

It's interesting how the victim goes to therapy and the perpetrators never do. My condition for recommitment would be that he has to go to therapy.

[@piak78]

Yes it's like paying the price for someone else's sins.

[@zarbins]

Who said he never went to therapy was that explicitly stated?

[@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788]

@@zarbins it's usually the case, my friend. I work with abuse victims and during the relationship the victims had been to therapy while the abusers never have.

[@zarbins]

@@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788 "Usually the case" indicates nothing about the particulars of this case.

[@zarbins]

@@anaguerrerosholisticwellbe2788 Appreciate the moderate concession and agree that we certainly learn from experience. I do hope, in this case, her partner attended therapy as well.

[@itchyisvegeta]

Leave him. When someone cheats, it's over. Period!

[@yv6150]

He kept going back and forth which means that he was not sorry for cheating. People cheat but you should forgive only if they are doing everything possible to restore the relationship...

[@user-zv9oh4kb7l]

Exactly!

[@amydecker6207]

Ladies:. THE "LOVE OF YOUR LIFE" WILL NOT CHEAT ON YOU.

[@lizab8400]

Yes they will. Bless your heart.

[@alicjaalvena1120]

@@lizab8400 no, they wont. if they do, they're not love of your life. end of story.

[@gigiwoodlawn2142]

@@alicjaalvena1120 so naive.

[@mrv2308]

@@lizab8400found the doormat.

[@thetwistinside2857]

​@@gigiwoodlawn2142 Just has the confidence to take out the trash.

[@whenthestarsfalldown]

She needs to put more effort into her self and finding ways to support herself financially, emotionally, and socially away from her husband. Then she can truly say she is choosing to stay and will not be scared if he leaves again.

[@EadsB7002]

Yes yes and yes. So many women make the mistake of throwing all of them selves into a marriage/family. Not that it’s a bad thing to do that... But.... we should always have a life outside of and have means to take care of ourselves in the event that things don’t work out.

[@conniehenderson7071]

Totally agree. This "happier than ever" husband needs to pay for child care while she goes back to school and gets a degree. When she can earn her own money she can make a "real" decision.

[@bettysmith4527]

yup, as soon as her master's degree is done, she needs to find a really decent job, and leave!! The child support he deserves to pay will cover the rest!

[@goinggaga4ladygaga]

Exactly

[@blueseptember2174]

Yes, I learned this. You can only feel semi comfortable choosing to stay when you can stand on your own two feet.

[@minervagalvez4748]

WAS, HE WAS, WAS IN THE KEY WORD!!! HE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AND YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT BE THE SAME EITHER. LET IT GO. LET EACH OTHER GO.

[@mimiso516]

"I'm completely committed to you paying my way through grad school", is what I am hearing.

[@carableu]

She already knows the answer.

[@EadsB7002]

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but in many many cases... if they do it once and get away with it -they will very likely do it again... most especially in a case like this.... Where the man is only returning to the marriage out of guilt and/or obligation. And because the other relationship didn’t work out.

[@isay207]

I don't understand how a man with hopefully a full time job and children has time for a mistress doesn't he have to wash car do dishes home repairs friends socialize cleaning bq getting groceries????

[@NB-ky5ol]

The fact that it took him a whole year to figure out that he wanted you only when it came down to moving and graduate school screams that he only stayed for convenience. I don’t really know his motive but if my husband chose a fling over me and my children several times you better believe I’m out of there quick-like! And I’m speaking from experience. I’ve been option #2 before, and desperately waiting for him to come around. Never again! I hope it works out for them b/c having a healthy marriage is what’s best for the kids.

[@martell8560]

I agree

[@EadsB7002]

yup, and if the marriage can't be saved (very very unlikely in this case), best to leave and give yourself and your kids a healthier environment to live in. Remaining in an unhappy, toxic environment is terribly detrimental to kids.

[@lj2192]

Unfortunately for all men the honeymoon phase comes to an end. This guy will always look for something new to fill the void. Having an extra kid was not helpful at all. I’m not very hopeful for this marriage.

[@ASmith-jn7kf]

Who cares if you are not hopeful?? You don't know the future.

[@justinewhite-hadley3138]

My heart hurts for her 😔

[@pinkcyclop]

Same! This wasn't simply a one night stand. This was a whole second relationship. My head hurts for her

[@angryox3102]

3 kids? That’s why he doesn’t want to leave, all that child support.

[@sam.alva.]

This show has really been evolving into something wonderful. Hope it helps a lot of struggling hearts.

[@primabellas6856]

She would be foolish to be "all in". He will likely cheat again and eventually abandon her when he finds someone he really wants to be with. As much as it might hurt, she would be wise to cut him loose now and avoid the heartache and drama.

[@texan903]

He won't leave, he'll go back and forth. The only reason he canceled the divorce paperwork is because it would've cost him a fortune once the judge signed off on it. She'll divorce him once she busts him or the resentment becomes too much to handle.

[@richvail7551]

There was a great Zen moment there when he mentioned “you can’t control what pops into your mind but you can choose what you want to focus on.” I think that’s a much better explanation than just letting it go. The mind needs direction or it will control ones world. So to refocus the mind to a strong character trait and goal will certainly over time be the very thing that will then control your world. Very Zen

[@joannthompson4410]

You don’t get over affairs…. You always remember that your spouse cheated & probably will do it again! My ex cheated more than once & I went back to college & got my bachelors degree so I could support myself… then I got a divorce when he cheated again! Why have another child after your husband cheated?!?!?!? Crazy

[@SaystheTruth3]

My heart goes out to her... Adding another baby to their family is like adding another brick on the doormat- (her) unfortunately. He has more opportunities to cheat on her with the comfort of coming back home... She needs to grab her children & run !!

[@sbeasley7100]

Honestly, she doesn't even sound like she believes what's she is saying. If you want to stay for your kids, then just say that so you can get some sound advice. This man didn't just cheat aimlessly, he picked this woman and proceeded to go back and forth between you and her. I won't even get into the fact that she had another baby by him. If you want to get married that's fine, but do not get married to find yourself in someone else or else you'll be calling this show asking "should I swim with the sharks or eat with the bears" She's not over the cheating but she doesn't think anyone else will want her with 3 young kids.

[@bres9977]

I’m not judging, but I would have NEVER brought another child into a situation like that. It only makes thing harder.

[@EadsB7002]

@@bres9977 totally agree..worst thing you can do! So unfair to the child!

[@brockb3692]

It's the fantasy of the relationship that she's not ready to grieve and bury.

[@carlasmith4769]

This guy just tells it like it is..no sugar coating! I respect that and I wish I could have spoken to him when I was cheated on...the devastation rocked my world...and took me years to accept it!

[@LizNeptune]

Something about this advice is not sitting right with me! LOL

[@sarahb8147]

I don't like how John starts with the "assumption" that she didn't cause the affair. The person getting cheated on is NEVER responsible for cheating UNLESS there is extreme physical/financial abuse going on and the person feels like they CAN'T leave unless they find someone else to help them out. I find it very unlikely that Charly was putting her husband through that. So why even bring it up, John? Seems like a way to gaslight listeners into being a lot more understanding of scummy behavior. **edit:** She's blaming herself now because she was sick. Being sick is not an excuse to abandon your spouse. What a worthless piece of trash. I hope she wises up and reads these comments and leaves him.

[@htpeck91]

I think when two people fall in love they create something that has a life of its own. His betrayal killed it. There is walking away or creating a new thing. You cannot go back to what was. His back and forth was especially cruel. I hope she just hands him her backpack.

[@laurab4833]

She should leave! It hurts children to stay! She will lose herself and then he will move on to the next.

[@whitneyw.7919]

It doesn't hurt the children for her to stay. what would hurt the children is 50/50 households-- half the time they'll be with him regardless. Also, their mother would now be near impoverished. They would likely then date/marry new people and have new kids to compete with and no feeling of "home" or unity If the kids don't know about the infidelity, it's better for the children if the family stays together and they both choose to act peaceably and happy. I personally wouldn't stay, but wouldn't make an excuse by saying it's better for my children.

[@jasperj.d.g.4147]

@@whitneyw.7919 having parents who resents eachother is not good for kids at all.

[@amyeastman8764]

Sometimes you just can’t get over it and have to end things. You can’t spend your life punishing someone or yourself

[@ominous450]

He could be having another affair and just not telling you about it

[@EadsB7002]

Likelihood of that is very HIGH. He knows he can get away with it. Seen this same situation numerous times amongst friends.

[@truckingwithtobee]

The second caller Charlie. This was very similar to my situation in regards to having trouble getting over my husband cheating on me. This has been the best explanation I have heard out of probably dozens of infidelity videos here on KZbin. Thank you so much Dr. D you have no idea how much you have helped me right now.

[@brockb3692]

The most toxic, sinister myth that we push onto women is that they can and that their job is to redeem men. The idea that they can "fix" the broken man, and if he will just come back to her, everything will be all right. If they just have another baby, all their problems will go away. This is a very common myth we peddle and you find it everywhere--movies, books, etc. The problem is not you, honey, and you CAN'T fix him. It's not your job to fix him. You deserve a partner who is a fully-functioning ADULT and gives you his all, 100%. Don't let him drag you down. That fantasy of you two being together was just that--a fantasy. It wasn't a real relationship. Notice how SHE went to therapy and put in all the effort to work on herself LIKE THIS PROBLEM WAS CAUSED BY HER. It was her fault. She wasn't a good enough wife or mother. She wasn't skinny enough. She wasn't nice enough. She didn't cook enough. WHAT OUNCE OF EFFORT HAS HE PUT INTO OWNING UP TO HIS OWN MISTAKE? He caused this problem, not you. You need to grieve that loss, release your anger, and move on. He is not worth it and he will not change. This relationship will hurt your children too.

[@adrianajimenez4342]

Once a cheater always a cheater no way no how I'd give him a chance!!!

[@kcourtney6826]

Don’t let a man or woman tell you more than once they don’t want to be with you. She hasn’t forgiven him and she will never love him like she used to at this point she feels stuck because they have kids, however if he was already willing to leave her and the kids for this woman she might as well be on her own.

[@patriciairwin9491]

I wished it were so easy as to decide you don't want to worry about it anymore. When we love someone, we want to be 100% vulnerable to them, but after getting cheated on, the safety of that is gone.

[@MaisyMimi]

I don’t think I’d be able to forgive/forget a deliberate affair but then he goes backwards and forwards on trying again… no way would I go back to that. He should have been humbled and truly sorry and he wasn’t at all.

[@megalopolis2015]

Did I hear that only she was in therapy? They both need to be there, stat. This isn't her problem, it's what they need to deal with as a couple. This wasn't just an affair, it was ongoing, and he left his wife for this other woman. Trust takes years to build back. That's natural. He needs to prove himself, continually. Their relationship needs professional guidance and supervision. This should NOT be her burden to bear. She seems wonderful and worth fighting for. I hope he sees that. I'll pray for them and their kids.

[@vickynissi704]

Dr. Delony, I was really inspired by your insight about saying out loud "NO" when a negative thought comes to mind. I will definitely use this. I wanted to ask if you have thought of writing a book to share such insights with the world. I would definitely read it and know many will read it too and be blessed. Thanks for doing what you do.

[@jak9934]

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as this. Repairing trust is about the work of two people not one. The effort and will required to “put the backpack down” and “be all in” is assisted when met by the equivalent effort and will of the person who had the affair.

[@quitesweetly6963]

Not sure I agree with Dr. D on this one. The couple needs to go to counseling and work through this together. To expect her to forget about his cheating is unfair to her. He has to work on repairing the relationship, too. They'll be dealing with this for the rest of their relationship. It's kinda crazy that he's telling her to just forget it...especially since she wasn't in the wrong here. He's basically telling her to control her mind instead of them working through the pain as a couple. Being all in means the couple working together through the hardship, not one of them forgetting about it. Disappointed in the advice he gave.

[@hawkgurl1157]

Didn't she say that he was trying and she was the one having hesitation on improving the realtionship?

[@texan903]

The doctor knows this marriage is over, he's only saying what he said to all her to reach this realization on her own in her own time.

[@quitesweetly6963]

@@texan903 No one can really know when or why other people's relationships will end. He's a therapist, not a psychic.

[@quitesweetly6963]

@@hawkgurl1157 Well of course he wants to repair it, he's the cheater who went back and forth on whether or not he wanted to be in the relationship or not. Also, working on it means confronting what happened and repairing the relationship together in counseling. I would recommend watching Dr. Kirk Honda if you want to learn more about marriage and relationship counseling.

[@hawkgurl1157]

@@quitesweetly6963 Yeah I don't disagree on counseling that's a good point. But I see it as if someone is repentant (truly) and wants a second chance then they should have the opportunity to prove themselves. Anyway she called about HER having an issue, not him. Either way the wife isn't obligated to give him that if she doesn't want to. But if she does then she needs to implement a different mindset that things will never be the same, but it can work in a different way to be better if the sentiment is reciprocatedon both ends. If she doesn't then she's wasting both of their time and should move on.

[@mollycule2792]

Why should she have to control her thoughts and he doesn’t have to do any work? He needs to be showering her with affection and repentance. You’re off here Dr D.

[@EadsB7002]

Agreed....if this was one-time offense and he was truly repentant, i could understand maybe trying to work it out....but this is NOT the case here. This woman needs to read the comments made by women who have been in the same position and tolerated this sort of issue for many years and see how well (not!) things turned out.

[@Vlad-fb9fb]

I think he is focusing on her because she is the one calling. He is trying to help her deal with the situation because only her can choose what to do next. I think that if he had spent anytime on him it would have be a waste, telling her what he should be doing could lead to more resentment. We cannot control other people. I do hope this ends well for the family.

[@lilsamantha1]

But he isnt because he doesnt want to

[@snowcone393]

Why would you have another kid with someone who left you for his mistress???

[@heatherroydiy]

Listen if a man who is a husband approaches you... Trying to engage you in an affair.. Think of this woman. Just flat out say no thank you! These are red flags. Tell him to go home and have a conversation with his wife. Stop trying to fix your relationship outside of your marriage!

[@adrianajimenez4342]

I feel sorry for this lady she seems sweet.

[@isay207]

But please dont bring children into this mess he's not a committed father

[@funmir9318]

So many people commenting on what she “should have done” as if y’all are living her life. She’s hurting and she’s obviously grieving many things in her life. She needs time to process on her own timetable.

[@msknich0le]

She’s calling in for advice. So, people are going to give their opinions. You must be in the same situation, poor thing.

[@ToothpasteKisses6345]

@@msknich0le There's no need to be snarky. She's just pointing out that some people aren't being empathetic in the comments to what this lady is going through and to be mindful. Yes, she called in for advice but there's no need to be kick this lady when she's down.

[@ccc-e1f]

This advice would probably save a lot of marriages. Great job again, Dr. Deloney.

[@michellemorford349]

Girlfriend likely dumped him and so he went back. He likely bulked about child support for 3 kids too. May have decided it was cheaper to keep her and continue having affairs.

[@pixie3458]

Definitely

[@rachelgee7894]

I just realized Dr. John is the real life equivalent of Frasier and I somehow became even more interested.

[@mastersfan04]

I had the same exact thought!

[@CynthiaVanSchalk]

There will always be triggers. Forgiveness does not wipe them out. Tough situation, I live it.

[@siegfriedbraun5447]

Question; did her husband feel or express any remorse? If he didn't, then I would have to doubt his commitment. Without remorse, he's simply skipped out on what he deserves; knowing the incredible pain he's inflicted on everyone. Deeply feelings remorse, is the only way forward for him, in this marriage.

[@RedShiftedDollar]

She needs to sit down and think about what she needs, not what she thinks she wants, not what her kids or husband needs, but her needs deep down to her core. Then she needs to do what it takes to seek out and satisfy that need in the most selfish and uninhibited way possible.

[@duvessa2003]

Great advice! I wish it is the advice that had been given her.