I Punished My Son For Destroying His Sister's Prom Dress As Revenge For Her Racism r/Relationships

[@PowerStruggle555]

1st story: OP was TA, now what Ryker did was wrong and what the sister did was horrible. So why didnt op forbid daughter from going to her dance? I think Ryker did deserve to be punished in some way but so does the sister.

[@jamiebouabboud2810]

Thing that really pissed me off was the mum thinking that what the sister did wasn't as terrible because it's "just words" I'm sorry, but I had to listen to my father's side constantly make racial remarks about people including my sister (she was older so naturally god like to her favorite baby sister.) All the comments bugged me, but especially when they'd say stuff about her because they knew how much I looked up to her. As I got older I started to call them out and show them the flaws with their "arguments," but for years I was too little to and it hurt. I don't blame the kid for being pissed, I don't condone his actions, but I get where he's coming from. As an adult they now know if I hear any racial remarks I will leave and they will never see my family or me again so they keep their traps shut around me and no my son's never been left alone with any of them.

[@5stars2many]

😊😅

[@faeb.9618]

i keep thinking about how the kid could be punished for this but like... the more i think abt it the more i feel like there's no way to realistically punish him here because clearly the parents are either racists too or complacent enough that they don't care (which i think would make them passively racist in a way if that makes sense?) so it's like. he wouldn't have to do any of that if they didn't allow any of this in the first place. he tried to take the higher route getting his friend there to educate them knowing it could have gone horribly wrong and yet

[@shawnmccarty6923]

Men are always punished more severely then the fairer sex

[@rubymeaddle]

Because she had a separate punishment?

[@joycec8]

Story 1: Gotta start making badly-behaving daughter do something that actually makes her uncomfortable as punishment, not just inconveniencing her. Forget thr essays, make her do some manual labor like volunteering at a souo kitchen on addition to losing privileges. For the love of God, don't just throw her amongst POC and expect them to sort it out for you. It's not our job to raise your daugher.

[@shawnmccarty6923]

So you don't want them to send her to work in a soup kitchen? Make up your mind

[@purplecrayonismine2585]

​​@@shawnmccarty6923 I think the difference is that in the soup kitchen she would have something to do, a clear expectation of "you are going to have to work to benefit someone you don't agree with" while just throwing her with some poc is what they did with the family dinner with that family from honduras, like "hey look! Here is a brown person! Aren't they neat?, doesn't this makes you not want to hate them?" Lmao, like they are some touch and learn mini zoo. I hardly doubt they discussed immigration policies and other uncomfortable stuff at the dinner table that night, she needs to get uncomfortable, the reality is she probably doesn't think that her screaming slurs at poc is any worse than a teen telling another teen they are ugly and stupid like some light bullying, either that or she truly hates poc and honestly I have no idea how I would deal with that, she's not 10. She needs genuine connection and empaty, at the very least some respect, if she had any person she looked up to or respected in her life that was a poc she might be different, but unfortunately forcing that onto teens usually doesn't go well

[@nephtys369]

“It’s not our job to raise your daughter” Yes. Mom did SOMETHING that made daughter think this behavior is ok. Fix your fuck up mom. I didn’t train her.

[@jaimelowe4246]

@@shawnmccarty6923 are you trying to imply that there are only POC at soup kitchens?

[@withlove2963]

This is important. Poc are not responsible for un-teaching racism.

[@kreuger2062]

"i can forgive racism, but I can't forgive property destruction 😡" " You can forgive racism?😧"

[@jacksparrowismydaddy]

yeah I think I'm seeing where the daughter got it from...

[@promisedmysun6044]

I get the typical "but I have a black friend, so I can't be rAciSt" vibe from OP

[@bigthetruth2995]

When people speak words that affect our delicate sensibilities they should be executed? I mean where’s the line?

[@DMobi]

I see that you are a fan of Community, 👍

[@jam2727]

@@bigthetruth2995 Are you trying to defend racism lol

[@JasperCatProductions]

Story two you gonna marry a dude when some childhood crush has you doubting things? Your fiancé deserves so much better.ick

[@olliewithab1926]

ex fiance thank god

[@VeggieMama722]

I find it strange that Clark was going to propose and they hadn't even had a date ffs. OP is crazy and her fiancé should run

[@IrisAsuras]

Story 2: She wanted to leave already if she's thinking about any other opportunity. She was probably looking for an out. If her relationship was solid, the thought wouldn't enter her mind.

[@TiffWaffles]

If she was doubting her relationship, she should have been up front about this with her fiance. I feel bad for her fiance. In a word, OP is a piece of trash that did a very trashy thing. All because she realised that her old creepy friend had a crush on her and wanted to marry her WITHOUT HAVING DATED HER FIRST!

[@tonyblake7569]

10:30 so their recommendation for punishment to help with her racism is to take her on vacation for multiple weeks? Yeah, that will show her. Bet she totally won't say racist things next year about somewhere she wants to go on vacation. And if my parents are reading this I totally hate expensive sprots cars. The people that make them are whatever racist thing I need to say so they'll buy me one.

[@MortalOrder]

To be fair, it is said that the best thing to combat racism is experience and knowledge. That being said, the OP did attempt this by inviting Ryker’s friend’s family over to discuss their culture.

[@1964Puddles]

Story 3: "That's not who I want dying next to me." Omg that made me giggle!

[@owl7072]

Story 2: ...Did they date? Like, at all? Cause Op saying she had a crush on him but didn't think she had a shot implies that they didn't yet he was going to full on propose to her. I don't blame his dad for stopping him. She has a whole ass fiance that she actually did date and is planning to get married to yet she's willing to throw it away for a _maybe?_ For a _crush_ she had but never dated back in school?

[@diamcole]

Yeah, I thought about this too. I'm glad she was honest but I honestly get the feeling this will happen again in the future - if she's not more self-aware.

[@pippo17173]

Hearing how the father of ops old crush stop it really tells me it's those kind of community.

[@carlrood4457]

@@pippo17173 You mean the kind of community where you discourage a college student from proposing to a high school girl he never dated? I'd like to think I live in one of those too.

[@pippo17173]

@@carlrood4457 I hope that is the case but with how op said it, It kinda feels like its a pure conservitice community that just flat out ignores growth and all that crap.

[@Nevertoleave]

@@carlrood4457 he’s only two years older. They would have gone to high school together and knew each other growing up. It’s significantly less weird or gross than some 21 year old going after a 14 year old. She would have been 16-18 while he was 18-20 depending on birthdays and it being high school and college. I went a school with a girl nearly a year older then myself but in the same grade because of how our birthdays are. So they could have been only a grade apart. Certainly weird that he was interested in proposing out of the blue like that but the ages thing is less creepy then you make it sound

[@poohbear4515]

“We talked to Gianna and things went much worse than we expected” Honestly, I’m not surprised considering the way she was raised.

[@HorrorHQ]

The parents sound like they're just awful to be around.

[@siouxempirecoyote8174]

The panicking partner is a nope from me. I’m a woman but it doesn’t matter what gender you are when you’re trying to get a situation under control and you have someone screaming and crying and escalating the stress of the situation at you. I’ve been through this not on a boat but driving and a of a sudden a tornado luckily not directly in our path but too close formed. Wind hail and a semi truck next to me that swerved into my lane. Stress was very high to not crash and all I could hear was screaming from next to me. I was struggling to concentrate through it. If you can’t help 🤐

[@MCKevin289]

As a history teacher with German ancestry, I tell my family’s story about them in Germany after the war to illustrate how destructive and evil racism is.

[@agentzapdos4960]

No quarter for bigots. He would have been justified to put her down like a geriatric dog with late stage cancer.

[@EclipseSeth]

I feel many people on Germany genuinely regret what happened, and are taking the appropriate steps towards preventing racism. I am half Polish, but I live mostly in Mexico. So I don't have a close perspective on it, but it's my opinion from the few Germans I have met and the ones I have seen on the internet.

[@agentzapdos4960]

@@EclipseSeth That's because Germany properly punished the Nazis. The United States built monuments to their racist traitors, and gave refuge to Nazis after WW2.

[@tigernotwoods914]

@@EclipseSeth and luckily you won’t at least personally because at least my experience you don’t really have racism with Mexicans. Mexicans are cool and get along with everybody. Never experienced any kind of racism so I reckon there’s probably no racism in Mexico or at least a small amount

[@nationalsocialism3504]

When the Jews tried to carry out the Morthegieu Plan to genocide Germans & the starving of German POWs in open air prisons was only finally stopped when Allied troops started refusing order to starve the Germans??? Or the deliberate targeting of civilian cities to be firebombed by the Allies... the horrific rapine & murder unleashed upon the German women. Yeah... that all needs to be taught every day so that understanding Pure Evil of the Colonial Capitalist Empires of the Allies was victorious over the Glorious Heros of the Axis.

[@sciguy98]

1st story, the bit about Ryker feeling neglected because he's the high acheiver hit home. I'm 36 and I still hold some resentment for my parents for basically ignoring me as a kid because I "was fine and didn't really need anything." I did need something; I needed my parents.

[@witheredrose357]

I got the same problem at school. up until 10th grade I didn't need help, then I did need help, and not only did I not get it but I wasn't taken seriously. Jokes on them, I dropped out and got my GED 1 earlier than the rest of my grade. Still mad tho

[@shawnmccarty6923]

😫😭

[@mandalorianhunter1]

Are you still contact with your parents

[@CrystallynRose]

Story 3: OP has legitimate concerns about his fiancée. What if there's an emergency situation where OP can't take charge? What if there's a medical emergency where OP is badly hurt and is relying on her to keep her head? Will she be able to handle calling 911 and render any basic first aid? What if one of their kids get lost in a store (a pretty common occurrence...happened to my mom with my brother). Is she going to essentially shut down with panic? What if her kid has a medical emergency with OP not around? There's so many things I would be concerned about if I were OP. He probably should suggest some counseling to get at the root of the problem. I would also suggest a basic first aid class and CPR so she can learn how to handle an emergency situation. If it were me, I'd definitely rethink things. In a relationship you rely on each other. He can't rely on her if there's ever any emergency.

[@JDKT002]

Absolutely agree, even if you love someone dearly, you can't trust them if they are prone to not only panicking but also lashing out and inciting fear and panic in others. Preparation and education can go a long way in helping. One thing I will say regarding OP though that caught my attention. "Constantly examining your surroundings for things that could be dangerous" actually isn't normal or healthy behavior. It can be a symptom of an anxiety disorder. I went most of my life doing that exact thing, living in a constant state of hyper awareness. It wasn't until I started treating my anxiety that I really understood just how exhausting living like that was. So I think both of them are viewing this situation through a lens of their own trauma and thinking their view is the "normal" way everyone else would view it.

[@rickhernandez7666]

@@JDKT002 I've heard it is normal for victims of abuse, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. Not sure if it's indicative of OP being abused or he just expects her to be more aware of her surroundings and didn't explain it right.

[@ochitakishi2350]

Pretty much all the senerios I was thinking of. Great comment

[@janedoe885]

🤝 THANK YOU MARKEE ON THAT LAST STORY OMG. Listen, there was a story going around before about a lady who had a known phobia of water to the point of PTSD type episodes. Her SO pressured her to go boating with him and a friend and promised he’d be there every step of the way to reassure her and keep her safe. They threw her overboard and she had a panic attack. That person, I have absolute sympathy for. Wasn’t her fault, she was betrayed. This story? The fiancé reads like an attention seeker and a coward to me who doesn’t take responsibility for her actions or care about endangering everyone. I don’t usually have like, disgust reactions to people but the fiancé had my lip curling.

[@samhayet4286]

Exactly! People say, "This bitch is for the streets." In OP's fiance's case, she's for the g*ddamn sewers! Let the damn crocodiles have her!

[@Alissandre_Iskander]

Story 1: Gianna needs actual friends, not these KKK members in-training.

[@tideio]

Lmao fr

[@nationalsocialism3504]

Seems like she has solid friends & just doesn't want to be subjected to bullshit while in Choir class

[@shawnmccarty6923]

I'm sure everyone is just being entirely way to sensitive high school kids pick on eachother that's literally all they do

[@Alissandre_Iskander]

@@shawnmccarty6923 ... Racism? That kept getting worse and worse? Be serious, please

[@stuart4746]

​​​​​@@nationalsocialism3504doubt it. I was in show choir in high school and it's super common to learn songs in different languages. Hell I still remember one of the French songs we learned for a competition

[@mrmadness2699]

Story 3. Funny how I had the same “We’re all gonna die,” breakdown on my first airline flight WHEN I WAS 5! The wife should be worried she goes to pieces in such situations.

[@chaseashley6775]

30:25 “You were not solutions focused; you wanted to assign blame and guilt” Okay tell me what the wife was doing screaming that it was his fault she was going to die? He was solution focused and she was assigning blame to a much larger degree.

[@momochan8920]

OP 2 is trashy. Yes it was good she broke it off, but the fact she kissed Clark right after is just- ew. I feel bad for her ex.

[@ondank]

Story 2 : I distrust OP so badly because her family says he is a red flag but then he was entirely mature about his response.

[@Ma5jay5dontxdoxthat]

Well no they didn't say that. Ops mom had problems with his family but didn't mind him.

[@laxusdreyar7838]

Story 1, YTA for being bad parents. Daughter is a racist brat and son is a violent disrespectful brat. Both are brats and that is a reflection on the poor parenting the OP and her husband did. Son seems to have his heart in the right place, but his actions were wrong, but the daughter seems to be the bigger problem. Reading books ain't gonna help solve her racist mentality, she needs to 1) need a new friend group and 2) be actually exposed to other race and cultures to understand them better and understand why she is wrong.

[@agentzapdos4960]

They tried exposing her to Honduran-American culture. They live somewhere where basically everyone is white, so that's the closest thing to "cultural exposure" that's feasible. Small towns and suburbs breed racism.

[@corro3]

@@agentzapdos4960 they forced her to hang out with her younger brothers friend for an evening , thats going to make her more racist not less

[@sorantohell5096]

Exactly. People believe being violent will somehow change people but it wont it makes things worse. Now she will definitely be more racist and now be worse.

[@caleboch8181]

“Small towns and suburbs breed racism.” No not really and I gotta say kind of bigoted to assume that

[@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64]

That comment made by Preposterous_punk is absolutely spot on, OP wasn’t truly 100% committed to her ex fiancé and it would’ve been better if they broke it off rather than maintain a farce and the ex deserves to be with someone that really is committed to him.

[@sashwing7726]

He does, but what bothers people is she's doing what a lot of cheating partners do after catching feeling for someone else or cheating. You know "we're both at fault for this if you think about it" when no it just her. She was still in love with an image from her past. Also, the side, not the old romance interest, is either lying or has the worst kind of denial I have ever heard of. The only reason why you present an it like a ring to some in a relationship would be to sway their emotions.

[@jacobsmith1997]

​@@sashwing7726 Pretty much, op and Clark are trash and will probably go great together.

[@invasion_of_meow_meows2176]

Story 2: the friend is only trying to break up their relationship

[@StarRose108]

Story 3: I used to date a girl like this. I'm disabled and have multiple medical conditions that cause me to pass out. I fainted in public once, employees called an ambulance, and my ex was too busy sobbing and panicking to be of any help to me or the paramedics. She's seen me pass out multiple times before and it was always the same every time, acting like I was going to die. My current fiance knows exactly how to handle my medical episodes and help me recover, without the use of an expensive ER bill.

[@kateworkman921]

It's things like this that make me realize why a former boyfriend of mine was so concerned I'd absolutely freak out if I ever saw him have a seizure, (he's epileptic.) I never did, though. I'd seen seizures before, because a friend in high school is epileptic, too. My ex's were different types of seizures than I'd seen before, but I knew the focus had to be on my ex and making sure that he was okay, that he didn't hit anything if he fell, and other things I can't remember off the top of my head. All me freaking out would have done was made things worse. Not only was I not gonna freak out, but I would have been pretty disdainful over anyone who did. Plus, I have another ex who was much the same as OP's SO. Any time something even *slightly* could be considered an emergency, (like a flight being cancelled,) he'd freak out, freeze, and had no idea how to handle it. (We were long distance, so he'd fly to me or I'd fly to him.) His first visit, his flight is delayed, then cancelled, and I didn't find out until I texted him and asked how his flight was. He'd been sitting there at the airport, not doing anything except freaking out for an hour. And he had no idea what to do until I called him and walked him through what he needed to do. The scariest part? He wants kids! I hope he never actually has any, because I'm convinced if he was left alone with the baby/toddler/child, and they started choking, that kid would die, because instead of actually doing anything, he'd just freeze up and not even call 911.

[@LisaApril]

Story two: if this woman breaks it off with her fiancé that doesn't mean she should go with her friend Clark. It might be that both men are wrong for her for various reasons. Getting married is not more important than being happy with yourself and finding the right person where things aren't always stressful or wedding planning isn't stressful because your partner helps you and keeps his parents at bay.

[@RalphieGirl713]

Story 3: I get that she was scared, but thats a little over the top. I get scared on our boat, too. Its a little boat for fishing, but we take it out into the Chesapeake Bay, which can be rough. And I have severe anxiety. She needs to learn to breathe and ground herself in that situation. Not saying it's easy, but I feel for the boyfriend in this. Neither were aholes, but I think she needs some therapy to develop coping skills.

[@autodogdact3313]

I wondered if she had a phobia or previous problem with water and he pressured her into going. It seems extreme, does she have anxiety attacks? There may be more than he was telling us.

[@rhiannoncarney9380]

1st story: I SERIOUSLY don't understand why the parents aren't getting their daughter therapy!!! A lot of the time hatred like that doesn't just come out of nowhere!!! It merely manifests itself in places that are often unexpected!! It leaks out like a pipe out ready to burst!!!

[@LaviniaKing-hz9ue]

Poor Gianna, one day she will say the wrong thing to the wrong person and get her a$$ handed back to her. Literally and physically.

[@LayfonDragnia]

Story 1: Yeah, the punishments are not proportionate at all. The daughter essentially was getting “racism management” and just punished the son for what should receive anger management. Edit after update: Dang, actual change and some iceberg problems revealed.

[@tigernotwoods914]

Yup. But you know what she’s a girl and he’s a boy. Sadly, that’s the way society functions. Even in the court system, you look at sentencing in an average females get far less severe punishment than males for the same crimes.

[@niyablake]

from op"He seems to have more respect for his coach than us, obviously we do try to parent him but for some reason the same level of respect isn't there. We always figured it was just hormones."

[@rubymeaddle]

​@@tigernotwoods914 Untrue, sentencing is harsher based on race not gender 🤷‍♀️ statistically speaking men are more likely to be repeat offenders while women typically are first time offenders.

[@Center-For-I.E.D.Mismanagement]

​@@rubymeaddle Gender is, in fact a factor when it comes to crime and punishment. Divorce cases in particular are, more often than not, skewed in favor of women.

[@patriciahughes4213]

*Racism imo begins in the cradle* Yes that young. I myself am American Indian and white. My A.I. is very dominant. I grew up in a time being an Indian wasn't good. I understood Racism. I determined that my children would not learn Racism. That included monitoring friends, media, how they spoke, what they said. My eldest son made it his personal mission to protect kids that were weaker than he was. Fifteen years after he graduated a friend of his that's mentally challenged came to me telling me that my son protected him from the mean kids all the way through school. Several other kids of various races told me he was their defender. I tried very hard to make sure ugly words and name calling never entered our home. *PARENTS ARE THE NUMBER ONE TEACHERS TO THEIR CHILDREN* Again Racism begins in the cradle.

[@dragonrider1549]

Story 2 - honestly, it’s a good thing the two broke up for the ex’s sake, he deserves better. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about OP. While she did the right thing, how this came about is extremely sketch. But the one I’m really side-eyeing is OP’s mom. While I might have spent too much time in AITA but her reasoning for why her daughter shouldn’t marry the ex kinda tells me she could be very judge mental or worse. The reason was so vague it could be good one like she saw abuse in the family, but could also be horrible like they don’t make enough money, aren’t religious enough, or aren’t the correct race. I also don’t think anyone should tell someone they shouldn’t be in a relationship unless it’s toxic or abusive. Outside of those people should simply lead the person to their own feelings on the matter, not influence them.

[@GBunnyG]

Story 1: DO BETTER, MOM.

[@juanrangel3535]

That Ryker kid is the embodiment of Real hasta la muerte, if he was an adult i would buy him a beer

[@MONKEYDZETS]

Expect for destroying property

[@juanrangel3535]

@@MONKEYDZETS well nothing is perfect 😅

[@sorantohell5096]

If he was in my family he would get the shit beat out of him. He only made his sister hate minorities more not actually fix anything.

[@Center-For-I.E.D.Mismanagement]

​@@MONKEYDZETS *Except.

[@jonswa]

Story 1: Reddit doesn't seem to understand what they talked OP into was just going to make his daughter even more racist. She will see her brother as the golden child. She will continue the resentment and only see it as her being punished for having some belief and her brother gets to get off scot free from destruction of property. Gianna isn't going to improve if OP does not punish both of them.

[@sorantohell5096]

100% exactly. She isnt going to now magically not stop being racist now she will be even worse and now take it out on her brother. They lost her and dont realize it.

[@nakoruruwantspepsi1556]

holy shit the op in the 1st story pisses me off. Still not getting. They're treating their daughter racism like a school assignment. "do an essay, read a book." no. Racism that baked in isnt solved by a few books. They need to dig in and figure out where its coming from, but I have a feeling they dont want to dig into too deep becasue it might make them realize they may have taught some racist attitudes. Not saying they are out and out, but you can learn or have some ideas and not realize your own prejudices.

[@agentzapdos4960]

They live in a mostly-white suburb or small town. OP is definitely racist.

[@theLadyScribe]

well they have to start somewhere, if undoing racism was so simple it would of been solved worldwide ages ago

[@sorantohell5096]

Educating is the best way to stop racism. Look up Daryl Davis a man who actually knows how to stop racism.

[@macylouwho1187]

I guess I’m too old school. When my adult son came in and repeated something racist that he had heard his peers say jokingly (a mean joke, not funny) I screamed the house down and told him to leave and not come back until he could be a better person than that who makes the world better instead of worse for everyone in it. And with an apology as well, because we raised him better than that. It took him 15 minutes to come back to the door with an apology and then we sat down as a family and explained why racism hurts everyone-including the racist people who don’t even realize what they are doing to everyone else or themselves. His father was also in on this teaching moment. We didn’t stop talking until he understood why. We do NOT do that in this house, period. No to racism, no to hate. Hate hurts the entire world. It causes untold death, destruction, chaos, division, and wars. No no no. Not having it. Not “my” kids.

[@agentzapdos4960]

Based.

[@D-me-dream-smp]

Yep I believe it comes down to your OWN genuine attitude towards racism - your son instantly understood that YOU found this mindset unacceptable and would not tolerate it.

[@SnowyWolborg]

Story #1: YTA. It's pretty clear that the daughter is picking up on the bad behavior of whatever crowd that she's associated with and it's in that "yeah, I don't care" phase. The brother should not have gotten involved because it was not his place to try to punish or parent, but, the daughter's school dance privilege should have already been taken away.

[@Batman-lg2zj]

You the are the a hole here . Op did the best that she could do and I don’t blame the daughter for hating her brother.

[@DragonbornMike-ym2er]

Story 2: OP should definitely break things off and try things with Clark.... Because she's clearly unfit for and uninvested in what's about to be her marriage. This guy would be way better off without this woman. She sounds like the type who'll start cheating once things get boring and she can delude herself into thinking it's justified. She's just looking for an out, without actually trying to fix things. It's honestly disgusting that it's this easy to get her to even consider breaking things off. Even the final update just feels gross. Seems so flaky with little respect.

[@starbird3939]

Story 1 - YTA While not at all appropriate, I applaud Ryker for basically protecting his friend from racism. Damn right we should not “tolerate intolerance”. OP needs to crack down on the daughter. SHE should also be banned from the dance. Op sounds like one of those performative “white allies” that doesn’t actually protect people from racism but SAYS she will.

[@sorantohell5096]

Ryker did nothing but make his sister go deeper into her racist ways. This a huge loss and Op doesnt realize it.

[@samalvarez8776]

She shouldn't have been able to go to the dance in the first place.

[@19nmiller1]

30:48 God that line made me cringe so hard. Just the assumption that their opinion is right, even though they could've tore their muscles by stretching so far so fast, is crazy. The response is exactly how I felt lol

[@HackiePuffs]

I wish I got to see his face when AITA tore into him instead 🤣

[@kaijinu]

​@@HackiePuffs Ditto! Ditto! 😂😂😂

[@tonyblake7569]

Last story nta. I get she was scared buy that doesn't make how she reacted ok. Surprised more comments didn't mention it, but what if they ever have a kid? No offense to op but it's more likely they would be more dependent on her in an emergency than he would. She could easily make a bad situation worse because she's scared and something simple could hurt a kid, or worse.

[@cjandauntieyaya1446]

Story 2: OP needs to go to couples counseling with her fiance. She might find that her twinge of doubt about her upcoming marriage may be from red flags in her current relationship that she has been ignoring. OP needs to evaluate her own feelings. Are these just stress induced or does she still have an emotional crush on her childhood friend? Can she just erase that crush and accept her current relationship, or will she continue to have in the back of her mind, a flame lit for her friend? She needs to determine this BEFORE anybody puts deposits down for the upcoming marriage. Time is ticking and this kind of thing needs to be resolved quickly and OP needs to accept her decision and not look back. Either she drops her fiance and pursues a relationship with her childhood friend OR she totally cuts off her friend from her life because his revelation to her was indeed disrespecting her current relationship. She needs to make a choice and quickly.

[@invasion_of_meow_meows2176]

Story 1: we know who the favorite is 🤩

[@rooroolaboo]

"We discussed how we could channel his desire for social justice into sports" Jesus wept.

[@CanyonALynn]

Yeah, these 'parents' are absolutely clueless...

[@SingingMermaid4]

I didn't get survival instincts until my first pregnancy. I wasn't bad as this chick, but this woman was over the top.

[@forgottenvalues3293]

The dress story throws me off, how is racism worse the damage to property? That's how Portland burning for an entire summer and they call it justified

[@owl7072]

Story 1: Okay so I understand grounding him for destroying someone's stuff but- Daughter: _literally being racist repeatedly_ Op: No we can't be too harsh! We need to be GENTLE! She just doesn't understand! Son: _gets frustrated and destroys her dress_ Op: !!!!! You're grounded! How could you do something so cruel! No dance for you! Daughter: _learning absolutely nothing other than that she can say whatever she wants and they won't do shit other than coddle her while punishing anyone who is even remotely harsh towards her_

[@paulinadeboer3604]

Daughter ain't racist, it is about music she disliked.. People are allowed to have a different music taste... You americans must realy stop with calling everything racist.. Teacher she made fun of my music choice punish her.. Singing in a different language is difficult. Daughter is allowed not to like it. My daughter likes Italian opera. Kids make fun of her musictaste. She doesn't like rap makes fun of that.. it is normal, more so in a time of their life when Kids devolp their musictaste Everyone screaming racism is overreacting. What son did was wrong he destoyed something from someone else.

[@owl7072]

​@@paulinadeboer3604 there's a difference between not liking a type of music and making rude remarks about it. She's done this _twice_ and the second one never even specified that it was about music, just that she was making "jokes". She's just being a spoiled little brat who thinks she can get away with it because her parents refuse to do more than "gently educate" her because she "doesn't understand" despite being a _junior_ in _high school._ Her brother was _grounded,_ yet she's (according to the update) gonna be taken on _vacations_ to other countries so she "can learn about other cultures" despite them having already tried that with Ryker and his friends and it not working. If her little "jokes" were enough to get her in trouble _twice_ and warrent a call home both times then that's enough to cause concern. Had it been once then never again, that's one thing, but she's a repeat offender and keeps getting worse (using full on slurs repeatedly) each time she's confronted about it.

[@MohammedAli-hl4mr]

@@paulinadeboer3604 its not overeacting they literally said that the daughter was complaining about how there might be some of "them" at the dance, and used racial slurs repeatedly.

[@paulinadeboer3604]

@@MohammedAli-hl4mr no she did not! She made racist jokes about the music, if you say it is stupid music because it is from other country it called racist already. That is the problem, she said nothing about people only music.. if she made jokes about people i agree.. but not about music. I listen again becaus what you said but al daughter talks about is music.

[@MohammedAli-hl4mr]

@@paulinadeboer3604 when confronted about it their daughter started using racial slurs you must not have watched it fully

[@JR-zi4bj]

Story 1 - Started as an ESH, but now I'm voting OP: YTA, though not for the same reason as all the other comments. Op did a remarkably bad job of parenting throughout the story and the update. Obviously, the daughter's racist remarks were unacceptable, but no, it did not make it ok for the son ¹ and his friends to "get revenge" ² to commit vandalism ³ to punish his sister because he felt his parents didn't do enough ⁴ to be completely unapologetic ⁵ to go unpunished for what he did It used to go without saying that two wrongs don't make a right...

[@whimsicaltitan]

Story 2: I've not even heard the updates and I already know that OP is a dummy 😂 After updates: Yeah, that relationship with Clark isn't going to last long because they're both dummies 😂

[@cu-8190]

the last story reminded me of something. when i was in my late teens I went on vacation in a different country with a relative (think older cousin, he was in his late twenties). due to unfortunate conditions (very hot, combined with alcohol and lots of exposure to strong sunshine) he fainted at some point while we were at our airbnb, just falling to the floor and breaking his foot badly in the process. I heard a thud and came running to see him on the floor. I was in shock but pulled this man onto the sofa, tried to get him to wake up and when he did, asked him what I could do to help. I was so scared, but I realized that it was so much worse for him, bit my tongue and then went to cry myself to sleep, after we agreed to go to the hospital in the morning. I did my best and have no regrets about what I did. We weren't expecting an emergency like that, it was the middle of the night and we didn't know the emergency number in that country. I am still so thankful that nothing worse happened. In scary situations where multiple people are involved, getting emotional and making your fear known is often a luxury since it doesn't help anyone. I am afraid of many things and that incident left me with a few emotional scars, but staying relatively calm in emergency situations is a necessary survival skill. You're very lucky if you won't end up needing it, but it might save your and other's lives

[@alg94]

story 1: man sometimes I wish we still lived in the time where parents would publicly shame their abhorrent children by putting a sign around their neck describing the behaviour and making them stand on a street corner

[@Sammvoy]

Naah man families have always been sweeping their kids bad behavior under the rug to protect the families reputation.

[@rubymeaddle]

Kids literally committed suicide over that

[@SaturnSenshi3105]

What the mom is doing is going to make her more racist

[@sorantohell5096]

People dont seem to realize that destroying her stuff is not going to somehow make it better. You know what ends up happening? She is now going to be even more racist.

[@alexanderhenby1362]

Screw "in a teen friendly way" 6 ways to Sunday. If my kid is being racist or antisemitic or homophobic we are going THAT SECOND to see what the consequences of those actions cause. I will drag them to educational stuff put on by Holocaust museums, or an Emmett Till exhibit (I believe there is a museum in Chicago, but my local children's museum has an exhibit too, including the picture of his casket. Its "just a joke" until its 6 million people in a train. I am physically hot right now with how angry this nonchalant attitude towards their daughter's racism is. Sure is it ideal to make a kid vomit over that kind of stuff, No. But it's not ideal for the people who have to live with that EVERY SINGLE DAY. Emmett Till's mother died in 2003. That's 48 years she should have had with her little boy. About 17,520 days without him. Your kid can deal with 1 uncomfortable day.

[@agentzapdos4960]

Small towns and suburbs (which were mostly built in the first place because white people wanted to live away from non-white people) are hives of racism.

[@angelicakaufman7183]

No way. No matter what somebody else did you don't get to respond with destruction of property or violence and then laugh about it on top of it. No 7th grade dance for poor little boy. The situation is separate. Although they do need to punish the girl a little better than forcing inclusion on her

[@freshfromthecoven13]

Yuck those first parents never got it.

[@PowerStruggle555]

2nd story: OP was in a lose lose lose situation the moment the friend told her the truth. because. -continue on with wedding, she would have doubt and ask what if. marriage mightve ended in divorce -end engagement, her and friend get married (or at least date)...yeah that wouldnt last. they never dated at all. now they are married. its one thing to be friends and another to be married. you can be married and be best friends but thats different -end engagement, her and friend dont date or get married. op is now stuck with what if she got married. any future bfs she'll think about friend and ex fiancee

[@jenni8200]

I'm in the medical field and I deal well in crisis situations... My ex did not... After one incident where I looked him in the eye, yelled a simple direction (turn the light on so I could see better) multiple times and he literally just stood there like a deer in the headlights staring at me... I broke up with him, this is not someone that should have children

[@DisneyChar]

S3 nta. Her emergency plan is to ie and take everyone with her. Doubt this would even be a conversation, just set her adrift.

[@queenwilco3723]

My question in that last one is how was she not aware of the huge difference in behaviors for her to NOT be embarrassed by her reaction? Like I can't imagine throwing such an outrageous fit while everyone else is acting mostly normal and not notice the contrast in behaviors order to gauge the level of threat and calm myself down. For her to be screaming and crying and not feel any embarrassment or shame means she didn't even notice the other people around her to understand she was went WAY overboard (pun intended). This says a lot about her ability to look at or notice absolutely anything outside of herself.

[@sagejungwirth4155]

Last story: the wife might not have ben able to not panic. I don't remember the specifics but there are more than just fight or flight responses to scary situations, like fainting or freezing. The part of the brain that's responsible for such responses is weird and primal, so I wouldn't be surprised if illogical, mania like panic was also a possible response to fear.

[@bethb4432]

For the last one I’m torn. It reminded me of the time my husband and I were driving hilly roads in a snowstorm. I never said anything like, “ it’s all your fault “ or anything like that, but I WAS completely panicking and crying and shaking. I was so terrified. Now, that’s linked to ptsd I have because of several accidents I’ve been in. I literally can’t help it. Maybe that was the case for her. Just throwing it out there.

[@lemarch57]

About the screamer to the fiancé - don’t marry someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t give her life to save your children in an emergency.

[@riverjbleu]

Story two: the fiancé deserves so much better.

[@InvasionAnimation]

I would have kicked the little racist out since ending her would be illegal.

[@ondank]

Story 3 : I noticed the subtext of OPs misogyny too. Thing is, his girlfriends hysteria goes far beyond even a cliche female character from a badly written action movie. So I find it hard to really criticise him too much, especially as whilst his inner monologue seems a bit rough, nothing he actually did, was. Should leave the girl for sure though, she sounds awful.

[@martinebanks8223]

Story 2: she gonna regret it in the future when she find out what she lost , she only feeling free because she want the other guy and have hope for them which isn’t going to work out

[@beccaf262]

“You want to assign blame” LOL she literally said “it’s your fault I’m going to die” when she’s a grown ass adult that can choose to say “I don’t want to be at risk on a boat in the storm” and choose to not go. People cry misogyny because the women weren’t helping and yet every one of those women has the ability to learn how the boat works and chose not to.

[@risingrat5491]

I’m a “panicer” and I hate plains, they are scary metal beasts.. curse their convenience! And every time my husband convinces me to go on one, I blame him for that. He knows that this is how I cope. “Panic” is almost animalistic response and if I won’t scream I become catatonic.. it’s awful, I’d rather embarrass myself then loose all control over my body. Though I slowly learned to do what must be done, while screaming, it wasn’t easy and it took years.. and no, none of my parents are like that🤷🏻‍♀️

[@dustyrose192]

I have a friend who is terrfied of flying. She gets hypo therapy in order to cope,

[@zashgekido5616]

"OP definitely just taught her kids that destroying property is worse than racism" Oh boy that one's gonna lead to some interesting opinions XD

[@MCKevin289]

Destroying the dress wasn’t right but he wouldn’t have done it if the parents punished her. The first part of having a cultural experience was a good thing along with the essay but she obviously did not learn and should’ve gotten a more severe punishment. I would’ve banned her from prom and took the dress back to the place. Son should get grounded but a lesser punishment than Gianna. Ie Ryker gets one week and Gianna gets a month.

[@angeliqueSeidlitz2388]

My son at the age of 3 (our family is white) asked why the little girls were dark skin that lived next to us. I told him it's never ok to judge or pick on someone and that God made all of us different. He said ok and has many friends now of different back rounds. He is 7 now. I would so go after him if he was being like the daughter in story 1!

[@Nevertoleave]

Story 2 if she’s having doubts it’s best to walk away now. It feels like they were both going through the steps. He barely seemed phased that they broke up. I was expecting him to be more upset if he wasn’t just comfortable too, rather than just where is this coming from and we should figure out a way for you to get your stuff.

[@Hiimreggie]

I and many men have learned to hide our true feelings about things we will never know how he truly feels unless he puts in his perspective

[@pauldavisjr.3284]

Second op tell your fiancee all of this so dude knows that you aren't the one and hopefully finds someone who actually deserves him.

[@ondank]

It weirds me out in the update to story 1 that OP wants to channel her sons concerns about social justice into ... sports? Kinda shows that OP doesn't really care about this to me, she just wants to stop it coming up.

[@MusicGirl881]

Story 1: TA OP we can see that your daughter is the golden child so her being racist gets a slap on the wrist for you but your son destroying the dress deserves harsh punishment. What the son did was wrong but the daughter also deserves to be punished for what she did.

[@lasmirandadennsiewillja9435]

"It's not that deep" is kinda funny in the context of a boat that kinda sits on a decent amount of water while worrying it might stop sitting on it 😁 I agree, though. I don't expect everyone to do the exact right thing in a dangerous situation (not even myself), but there's a difference between making a stupid choice under high pressure in a one-of-a-kind situation and being so out of control of your emotions that you make the situation worse for yourself and everyone around without even an attempt at making it better. I've also stopped being a fan of the whole "hurty my fee fees" idea. Yes, we should try to not be jerks to others, even when we mean well, and there are always at least three constructive, diplomatic ways for every "brütal hönesty" bullshit approach. But using "this hurt my feelings! I won!" as a gotcha is so annoying, frustrating, and a cheap way to weasel yourself out of any responsibility you might have in a conflict. "You know, it would be helpful and make things easier if you'd put the dishes into the dishwasher after-" - "GASP, how dare you, this hurt my feelings!" is not a question of NTA, YTA, or ESH, but it's one side trying to solve a problem that the other side has a hand in, while the other side tries to shut it down with an empty phrase that pretends to trump any criticism that anyone else might have. You accuse me of endangering your dog's health when I give him table scraps and chocolate? GASP! I love this dog and mean so well, attacking me over it hurts my feelings! There, I won, because hurting someone else's feelings is always the worst crime ever and as soon as I accuse the other party of doing it to me, the situation is AT LEAST ESH, but never YTA, ha! Yeah, sorry, nobody likes being criticised, and nobody likes feeling bad feelings, but having happy pancake-under-a-Sunday-rainbow fee fees doesn't stop boats from sinking, it doesn't make dogs invincible and immortal, it doesn't do the chores, and doesn't repair cars or whatever the actual problem is. Sometimes, situations suck and sometimes, it's because of what we do or say. Feeling bad about fucking up is a good thing. It means you aren't an indifferent, careless lost cause among the people you claim you care about.

[@erikagehm2805]

Last story: OP I suggest that you and her go to counseling and do basic survival training classes. Teach her how to manage her panic and fear responses better. I'm not an expert, but it sounds like she has a higher than normal flight response to stress situations. Because she couldn't "run away", she lashed out. She was never taught how to manage the feeling to run away properly. Next time you two get into an argument be more observant to her reactions: Does she flinch? Does she look for an escape route?Does she try to leave without calling a five minute time out? When she does call a time out, does she physically leave the house (like pick up keys and take the car) vs leaving the room (going outside to a different room or go on the porch/deck)? Does she have abuse or trauma (like surviving a natural disaster) in her past? The answer to these questions is important, and you should adjust accordingly.

[@shaunwhitehead1485]

Lol the parents gave out an essay to there child 😂😂 ridiculous

[@orchidoxs126]

Story 1 : by technically esh. But how I feel yta. It doesn't feel like you're doing much about this behavior. Of course the son and his friends are wrong for the dress. But this is repeated behavior from your daughter and the punishments aren't stopping it. You need to work something else as a punishment. Ground her, don't let her go out with friends, take her phone away at home, and don't let her go to the dance because for whatever reason she thinks this is okay. And the son does need to be punished, it's not okay for him to destroy someone else's property because he doesn't like what they said.

[@TiffWaffles]

I agree with people calling OP in the second story trashy. Figuring out that you don't want to get married to somebody BEFORE YOU GET ASKED FOR YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE! She did string her fiance along. She's trashy for that.

[@rebel-artist-nerd]

Story 1 I would also look into if she is being bullied by people of another race and insulted for hers. Because I could see that give her a bad impression and becoming toxic to the point that she sees them all like that. I've seen this happen and she needs to learn to judge a persons character and not skin color. This hasn't been brought up but might be worth looking into in order to address this and nip it in the bud sooner rather then later when real damage can be done.

[@guybot360]

Story 1 is a shitshow. The daughter is bad for callous racism, a good humored joke here and there is fine but derogatory malice is unexusible. The son is almost worse; he chose to destroy someone elses property over thier humor and belief. Good or bad, linching someone for their views immediately puts YOU in the wrong.

[@knitwit9447]

I'm a little split over the final story. On one hand, as someone who reacts well in emergency situations, I've had my fair share of being furious at others who actively make the situation worse. On the other hand, with a reaction that big, id really suggest some kind of therapy, because that's just not normal. I get a strange feeling from the way OP talks, but don't really have any concrete evidence to justify it, so I'm disregarding that. Absolutely, it's okay to be upset with the girlfriend. I'm still furious at my father for his reaction (aka leaving his children in a burning building and not bothering to help his wife. He just sat in his car crying). But in this case...i dunno. It feels like there are better responses from both sides that could've been used. Also OP does sound the slightest bit paranoid. He said something about his gf not constantly analyzing her surroundings for danger, which is not a normal urge. I have PTSD and do that. Also maybe when you're taking people who don't know boats well onto boats...tell them what they should do in an emergency situation before it happens? Just a general briefing of "sit tight, listen for us to tell you anything further, do your best to stay calm and not interfere with what we do, etc"

[@antoinealez12]

Damn this was a banger of a post. All great stories.

[@corro3]

im sure having her prom dress destroyed and having all contact with anyone cut while the brother is rewarded will really help cure the racism definitely not going to backfire

[@driversuz44]

Why does Ryker get to "punish" his sister without consequences? Clearly the parents need to punish her more effectively, but it's not the son's place to do it at all. These are very weak parents.

[@hdeodh]

S2: Sounds like OP was using her EX until her number 1 option came along. She moved on pretty quickly from someone whom she was going to marry.

[@pamlew338]

Clark did not choose you let that sink in. If Clark has a choice in the future he will not choose you again

[@CaptBrightside89]

Story 3: No way these two should get married and OP definitely should not start a family with her. Marriage and parenthood should, ideally, be a strong partnership. This was a sink or swim moment and OPs gf sank more dramatically than the Titanic. If you can't trust your partner in a life or death moment, why is marriage even still on the table? Dump her and move on. You're better alone than with someone like that.

[@littlestrawberryfaery]

" he wasn't trying to come between me and my fiance UuU" BULLSHIT! LIES! STRAIGHT UP LIES! you know the fiance took it so well because he knew the whole time.... Knew op and Clark had somethings going on...

[@morganleanderblake678]

22:18 okay but like... most young people are told they don't have an opinion or an understanding of the world yet and elders know better anyway. So which is it? I'm 40, and when I was 20, it didn't matter if *I* introspected on anything, because the world would just tell me I was too young for my thoughts to matter anyway. Which is why yeah, maybe don't get married before your thoughts matter to the world.

[@shadesofjade]

24:45 There was this, (I *think*) fan art of Kimba/Leo the white lion of some friend of his saving his (Kimba’s) girlfriend (Leah?) and the friend of Kimba had the same fur coloring of the girlfriend( giving description of this in case someone wants to look it up) and was sarcastically saying “…Yeah, Yeah, keep on screaming like a dental drill while I save the day!” I had entirely forgotten that and and this fanart until this story. Op was NTA in any way shape or form. She wants to leave everyone around her deeply traumatized by her death. She is the girl that dies because she didn’t run, but instead just sits there and screams when the person next to her gets slaughtered in a horror film.

[@nataliebateman1151]

I'm gonna say now, he shouldn't have destroyed the prom dress but she shouldn't have been racist and op should have taken more actions to punish her for being racist. What I would have done is taken away all of her technology and had a very stern conversation with her. I'd also threaten that she couldn't go to the party if she continued her actions. Op just sounds like a very negligent parent

[@Kelsey1442]

Story one the son and his friends destroying her belongings might have made her more racist. Now she has justified evidence of hatred towards the friend. They both shouldn’t go to their special events. She should get more punishment than what she got. Maybe temporary or permanent depending upon her results send her to a different school where there are barely white kids and so she can see how it feels.

[@D-me-dream-smp]

In the first story i feel a lot of the situation comes down to the fact it’s pretty obvious that the OP doesn’t genuinely feel that her daughter‘s racist behaviour is actually such a terrible thing beyond realising it’s not “socially acceptable” these days. The daughter’s punishment seemed more like going through the motions of doing the right thing rather than spurred by any sense of outrage like their reaction to the son’s behaviour. No doubt the son’s strong reaction was because he has seen first hand the very real hurt and harm that the racist attitudes which underlie such racist “jokes” have.

[@Oggystein]

That story about the woman breaking up with her fiancé all because her "friend" said he would have proposed to her even though they never dated. Yeah, the grass is always greener when you fertilize your lawn with weed killer

[@bettybell63]

This is the woman in all the old movies that get slapped to come to her senses. Old westerns and such.

[@T4N7]

The spouse's reaction in the boat story reminds me of my mom. They r the type of people who feel their emotions very strong n wear their hearts on their sleeves which is fine until u do as they do n start assuming that anyone else who isn't showing off how overwhelmed with emotions they r must not be feeling anything. No! We simply know how to keep our shit together. Plus in this particular story she went way too far by screaming at him that it is his fault if ahe dies. Screw that, dump her, OP. U need a partner n not another child yo take care of as u start a family

[@JaneDoe1812]

I'm just glad that the family isn't the reason she's like that. As they seemed disgusted with her actions as well. I also think that destruction of property wasn't necessary. Though I could understand why he was so angry. It's fair but dude could've done something else. DX Not sure what but that wasn't it.