i sincerely hope you break up || r/AmITheEx

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[@lilxgraveyardxshawty420]

Its crazy how many people dont realize that getting married and having a child means you might not get to do everything you want to do when you want to do it

[@BlindBabeBeth]

Same for getting pets!

[@Mimi-cq4bg]

lol you have no idea how much this hits home My now ex and I have two kids. He was making plans to go to his sisters cottage for a long weekend. I had to work plus I loathe his sister and didn’t want to go. Our oldest was 17 and didn’t want to go, she wanted to go to a party her friends were having. Our youngest wasn’t self reliant at that time, he was too young to be left alone for long. Ex lost his 💩 because -and I quote: that if she didn’t come he wouldn’t be able to go kayaking. That’s why he wanted her to skip the first post-Covid party of her high school life. So he could go kayaking. I literally yelled so much my throat hurt. How selfish and immature he was being and that our daughter was not our babysitter and that being a parent meant missing out on things because you have a kid. Or god forbid he teach our son how to kayak. Oldest went to her party and less than a year later I kicked his ass out. Oldest now has an apartment with two of the friends from that party.

[@lucyj4304]

@@Mimi-cq4bg as the oldest sister to seven siblings, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you standing up against your daughter being made to give up having fun as a teen to be a babysitter!

[@minecraftkunoichi7383]

"Please don't come at my wife for acting like a baby" Like the fact he just ASSUMED that everyone would think she was the asshole and see her as the bad guy just because she wanted moral support and didn't want multiple people in their house while she was in pain is VERY telling...

[@lordskeletor481]

And the pain was because she had a super bad cyst on her skin that made it hard to walk

[@mageofmagic870]

And on top of that she literally JUST had a child! That baby is barely a month old and this man is already complaining about his wife not wanting people over when she's barely healed from giving birth! 6 weeks is like, the minimum amount of time it takes to be able to even have sex again after giving birth! She's in pain, she's adjusting to life with a newborn baby, and he's mad that he can't play games with his friends because he has to prioritize his wife and child!

[@raventolliver4316]

I have to wonder what in the world people think parenting is before they have a kid. Like it’s not just taking care of a kid, it’s also caring for and supporting another person in order to parent, especially when that person is the primary caregiver. She put in 40 weeks to grow a human; the very least he can do is be there to give her whatever she needs or requests while she’s healing

[@larettabrown8037]

⁠@@mageofmagic870not even considering the amount of germs that a bunch of random dudes around can transmit to a little fresh baby without a full immune system yet

[@bobbyknight3589]

​@@mageofmagic870 As a man we don't give a fuck ok 😂😂😂

[@ADreamerWithAPen]

Men who say "how am i supposed to know what needs to be done with x" are so baffling to me. Do you think women are born with this knowledge or have it somehow implanted into our brains?

[@rosie2871]

it's just weaponized incompetence at this point

[@imabosssorta1923]

That's why it's said daughters are raised and sons are loved.

[@AyshaLovesYou]

And it’s not just women that know this “cleaning knowledge”, my fiancé is a very clean man. But those lazy men have the stupidest mindset ever 🙄

[@Neddyhk]

I mean, it’s Reddit. The land of incels and redpillers

[@professorfoxtrot]

Are there any feminists who don't hate men?

[@annalang5687]

Bringing a child and a dog into your shared home (likely without the girlfriend's input in the first place) and just expecting her to do all the work is mind boggling. She should have asked for help??? He should have been the one doing 100% of the work!

[@Hana_H]

EXACTLY

[@Keyonne88]

Bingo; this guy is going to be single and wonder why women are all crazy! Meanwhile he's a self-centered asshole who leaves all responsibly on his partner.

[@ckblackwoodmusic]

Also, that story about the fiancée's brother.... The level of delusion is beyond palpable. She WISHES he was flirting because she still wants him after all that time (even used the word 'heartbroken') and she had the gall to get angry with her fiancée for calling her out! I hope that boy runs for the hills, never to look back.

[@lwcaexii]

It sounds, to me, like exactly the same pattern of some particular behaviour I've seen from people with specific mental health issues. She's gotten into her head imo and may very well believe it- I hope she gets a good therapist because the fallout fucking sucks for everyone caught in it

[@CharlieQuinn2772]

The updates weren't included in this video (and maybe the post being read from) but the brother fully proposes to op eventually and breaks down about feeling insecure compared to her fiancée so. She was right, it's hard for us to judge tone of behaviours just reading text but she clearly had a good idea

[@ckblackwoodmusic]

@@CharlieQuinn2772 How do you know this...?

[@introusas]

My first red flag was “our past together” because they literally went on one date 💀 I’ve gone on dates with guys and would never use that phrasing because that makes it sound like it was serious and we were actually doing life together.

[@crystalgemgirl731]

Seriously, it's ridiculous. Not even a drug addict would see all that.

[@charminharlan9081]

You just *know* that the cleaning guy would be complaining about her nagging him about cleaning if she actually did ask him to do the dishes every day.

[@Hana_H]

^^^^^

[@wanderingaesthetics7849]

Went through the same thing with a roommate. He used ADHD as the reason he couldn’t take care of his responsibilities around the house. And that we (my husband and I) just had to remind him. Okay. That’s fine. We did. Then suddenly we were nagging and riding him.

[@ErutaniaRose]

As someone with ADHD, alarms work wonders. I def think a non-human reminder, like a text or setting an alarm same time for the cleaning days helps A LOT. In my house we have little charts for everyone. @@wanderingaesthetics7849

[@ErutaniaRose]

The only reason I could see it being reasonable is if the woman actually is a clean freak, or very obssessive about it, and the guy is autistic and doesn't understand what she means and needs it more specifically. Though, from the sound of it, I think he's more of a weaponized incompetence guy rather than a legit miscommunication of what is the standard of clean.

[@Amara87387]

@@wanderingaesthetics7849 I am someone with both ADHD and visual impairment, so I have that problem but worse. Thing is, I WANT to develop better habits, and I’ve told people to nag me if they think it would help, because frankly, if I can’t nag myself, somebody else doing it has at least started to get me into better habits. And even then, the fact that I have both ADHD and visual impairment isn’t an excuse, it’s a reason, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn, which is what I’m trying to do.

[@barbieghoul]

as a person with adhd and autisim i feel like a lot of ppl are getting hung up on the cleaning part and not the HE LEFT EVERYTHING TO HIS GF AS IF SHE'S HIS PARENTS PART i get struggling with cleaning and not recognizing when things needed to be clean and having to be told when it needs to happen but also you need to recognize his issue isnt neurodivergence his issue is literally wanting his gf to be his mom by using weaponized incompetence also you shouldn't HAVE to keep relying on your partner or anyone you live with to keep telling you its exhausting for them too make a scheduled routine and add alarms COMPROMISE

[@barbieghoul]

also to add onto that did yall MISS the part where he offered to watch a dog and a child then DUMPED them onto his gf to watch them even tho SHE NEVER OFFERED?? I'm glad she left some ppl aren't worth staying with especially not after that

[@lexamona96]

So I’m AuHD too and my bf has ADHD. His cleaning level has been under mine for the most part and I almost broke up with him acouple times because of this. However, we talked out how his mental illness hinders him and as long as he’s working to combat like an adult, like I have to, and he communicates what he needs/can’t do better, we can get better together. One of us has a “I can’t clean this” feeling at all times but that shouldn’t determine what we actually do. That dude in the story knew we’d he was doing. There’s a huge difference between needing help more than you think and using someone to deal with your bs

[@introusas]

I’m in some groups about “bridging the gap” between men and women in relationships and there is so much ableism in there. And people honestly don’t even seem to realize they’re being ableist. We have a long way to go.

[@Amara87387]

I have both ADHD and a visual impairment, which don’t stack well. I do my best, but I feel like it’s not enough, thus I encourage nagging. Thing is, I’m not incompetent, far from it, it’s just a thing I need to be better about, and I’m trying, so the cleanliness plus the pushing the dog and kid into her was just awful

[@zenmaster8]

I think there is some nuance in the cleaning story (not for this guy he sucks for pushing his responsibilities onto her) but as someone with adhd and a high tolerance for mess, I struggle to recognize when something is dirty and when to clean it up. But the proper solution to that is make some kind of schedule or routine, not have the partner ask about it constantly

[@test-kf2zv]

Agreed! (As someone who has similar issues.)

[@Valfara770]

Or just live alone! ;)

[@fool4343]

i struggle with that too but when i see my bf washing dishes a few times in a row i feel guilty for not doing anything. i wanna him be happy and chill (that damn workaholic) so sometimes i look at the sink and think about washing the dishes. it feels like im mess blind tbh

[@jayreid2513]

Sometimes I KNOW Something needs to get done but when I get to doing it all I CAN do is stand there and stare at it. It's not that I don't want to it's like Sometimes I PHYSICALLY can't do it But yeah fuck that guy he was definitely in the wrong there

[@boots1622fan]

for REAL and when im in that situation itll be like 'we dont need a schedule/routine just do it' and im like. i. wh. if i see something needs doing i think 'i should do something' and then i immediately forget because my brain dont work right lmao. still i think if i was on my own i would leave stuff until the last minute because in my mind, i dont need to wash dishes until we have 0 dishes, same w laundry, etc. but if you have a kid or a pet tho like you really cant think that way because thats a whole other living thing thats kind of more important omg

[@shannond1511]

Lmao “want a tissue?” What a bully thing to say. It was already completely unempathetic, but that takes it to a Bully level with the taunting

[@arvayahrozier4402]

I was thinking the same thing. How would he feel if someone harassed and bullied him for years and then when he was able to get away from them they just told him to get over it like it was nothing. You wouldn't say that to someone who was harassed at a job or out on the street, so why is it okay to say that to your highschool victims?

[@jolynelovemail]

Yea I was gonna say, he probably doesn’t take bullying seriously because he still is a bully in the present day

[@Rokume]

I dont like being around drunk people or people drinking in general (trauma related) but I would never leave my SO drunk and alone because I don't like it. Thats just a dumb reason, that guy is definitely making excuses for something.

[@kp12_art]

to add to that, if you made it a clear boundary you would never pick up a drunk person (i have set that with my friends), then they could easily find someone else & wouldn't ask you in the first place, but he agreed to do it & then bailed, thats not okay!

[@mxflint1715]

Maybe this is a me thing because i am fiercly indipendent and have never had people come pick me up (mom died when i was 16 and dad was a dick) but why us she expecting him to go pick her up? Especially if it's like 11 pm, it's not even like 3 am, couldn't she drive there/call a taxi or arrange with her friends to get a lift? Like why shoud he go pick her up? If you can't get home you shouldn't go somewhere...

[@Rokume]

@@mxflint1715 he promised to pick her up. She thought she wouldn't need a ride home but he bailed on her at the last moment because she had a few glasses of champagne. I understand your point but he went back on his word and left her alone at night. That's my issue with it.

[@mxflint1715]

@@Rokume no i get that and i agree that he's being a dick. I just don't understand why she expects him to pick her up? Why can't she just go home since she's a grown woman? Like that's weird to me, just go home why do you need someone to pick you up unless you're like 14?

[@Rokume]

@@mxflint1715 It could be they have one car and he needed it after dropping her off. Public transportation is also not ideal at night while intoxicated. He also bailed on her last minute so she had to scramble to find a ride. So yeah she could have a license but she drank a bit and probably didn't have a car of her own. That's why she needed him to pick her up, since that was her bf and she thought he cared more about her wellbeing.

[@lekiscool]

Imagine the bully being like “get over the abuse I did on you.” Sounds like he doesn’t want to be held accountable.

[@AramatiPaz]

Sounds like my mom

[@riles_doodles]

I was going to say that sounds like my mother, but she would deny it or gaslight me.

[@Sarah.H5]

The guy and the cleaning story! The way he talks about 'helping' shows he sees the domestic work as ultimately her role that he helps with, that she needs to manage. I'm so glad she got out of that quickly ❤

[@s0lar.ecl1pse83]

freak

[@ellasophiaa]

⁠@johnson3258nice bait

[@ronidee85]

Plus you know since he’s working from home, he’s generating additional dishes and other need during the day that he is leaving for her to clean up

[@jdbrown9380]

As an adopted person and an adoptive parent the “real parent” argument grinds my gears. The person who has the privilege of raising a child is that child’s parent. Also, asking his wife for a paternity test when he doesn’t think his wife cheated on him is wild. Kiwi is right…this guy needs a therapist.

[@leochangesnames]

I'm not adopted, but I still find it extremely disturbing that people get so attached to "biological connection", especially when there's no implications about trust being broken. I guess it's just a thing that exists is society. Anyway, I'm wondering if he's afraid of movie-like situations about pregnancy. Something along the lines of "Jane the virgin" maybe? He still needs therapy though.

[@Travelling_with_my_dog]

@@leochangesnames also, I don't understand the need to be the sperm donor in order to fully commit to taking care of a child. Kids need parents, and whether or not you're "related," you can step up and take care of them.

[@Hawthorn6852]

Same! I recently had an argument with a couple guys who argued that being the biological parent is "really important to men" in order to even care about the child, it boggles my mind that some people think that way.

[@pinkkkkkkkkk]

My friend is adopted and her and her family are so close, they're a great family. They're closer than I am to my biological family. Adopted families are just as valid and beautiful as a bio one

[@user-sg4ov7ng4h]

​@@pinkkkkkkkkkreminds me of me an my sister "nagging". One of us tells the other that they're adopted, and the other says "at least i was wanted"

[@andpeg]

For the first story, it’s clear that relationship is most likely over. Trust and communication are important, and the guy made a mistake that only confirmed her false (through the information given at least) thoughts. The fact that she was suspicious in before then shows that she didn’t trust him. Even without the name thing, they probably wouldn’t have last based on the trust issues alone.

[@kimhore179]

As someone who’s partner kept bringing up my ex all the time THEY made me think of my ex not out of my own will 🙃

[@Soy_boi]

Honestly, if the OP is to be believed and he honestly wasn’t bringing up the ex yet she was still insecure, then it sounds like she just needs some therapy. It sounds like she is bringing past trauma from another relationship into this one and is looking for any confirmation of her biased insecurity. This whole relationship seems like it was already a ticking time bomb, and that this event was just fated to happen.

[@user-sg4ov7ng4h]

​@@kimhore179reminds me of the saying that if you accuse someone of doing something, they're now most likely to do it.

[@gwennorthcutt421]

i can only imagine it was bc of her history, bc a flubbed name is nothing to me. like ive seen my sister in person for the first time in almost a decade, and 2-3 times while we've been chatting shes called me by her wifes name by accident. we had a laugh about it and i waved off her apologies by saying, hey, your wife's the one you've been talking with for 9 years, i get it

[@sugaredbugs4823]

​@@kimhore179see I was thinking he probably said his ex's name BECAUSE his girlfriend brought his ex up all the time.

[@dondashall]

For the last one - the time to ask reddit for advice is BEFORE asking her to take that test so they could tell you not to.

[@withcharmtospare]

Bingo. Plus someone would have told him to talk to a therapist, working that out is not her job.

[@dondashall]

@@withcharmtospare FR, the emotional labour she has gone through WHILE PREGNANT to do that for him is also yucky as hell. Friends/family/partners can be helpful sparingly but are not a substitute for a therapist.

[@ilychloe9214]

but is it not fair for him to ask her to do it?? they have talked about his trauma and anxiety prior and its not like he just sprung it upon her, he is allowed to ask to allow his anxiety to be settled. i really don't understand how this is a shitty thing to do and if my partner asked me to do this due to past trauma I would be more than welcome BECAUSE ots been prior talked about and understood its from trauma.

[@softreyna]

​@@ilychloe9214 They talked about his trauma, but he hid the extent it was affecting him until he asked for the test. Like, maybe there's a tactful way for him to broach the subject that doesn't imply that he doesn't trust her, but with only her reaction to go off of, we have to assume that he...didn't do that.

[@capybara_king]

Wow, if telling someone their dress looks nice is flirting, then I’ve been unintentionally flirting with a lotttt of people…

[@jessyaerytrae1368]

Oh me too 🥲

[@introusas]

Sometimes you just wanna make someone feel nice! Or maybe get them to tell you where they got it 😂

[@mageofmagic870]

That one post about the drunk girlfriend reminds me of the parents who lock their teenagers out of the house for missing curfew: prioritizing punishing the behavior over the safety of the person. Like, you get the point they're trying to make, but also people have been kidnapped and/or killed because of people doing shit like that! In both situations, you understand why they're upset, but they both also put their loved ones in danger just to teach them a lesson! Edit: Wow, ok, after getting the full context, it's not even understandable anymore that he's upset! He's just petty!

[@spacecase2493]

for the bullying one, that dude obviously sucks, but i have a story that relates. in fifth grade, i took advantage of the fact that there was a girl lower on the social hierarchy than myself. i bullied her. i have little memory of my childhood so i only have one memory of doing it, but i know that isnt nearly the extent of it. (she told me as adults) i wasnt the worst, but i was horrible to her. i didn't interact with her in middle school and i moved out of state in seventh grade. it hit me when i was thirteen what i'd done, and i felt terrible. it haunted me for five years, following me around like a stain on the image i had of myself, which wasnt great to begin with. then, in my first year of college, i was walking around the art building when i saw her. i knew it was her right away, and i ran. i couldnt get her out of my head. i was so scared and guilty. then i saw her again, hours later. she stopped me to compliment my shirt. she didn't recognize me. so i had to say something. i identified myself and started apologizing for the things i put her through and then we went to dinner together. we talked about our lives at the time, and our lives now. we didnt become close, but we certainly did become friends. i guess what im trying to say is that if a person has empathy, they would never react that dude did like wtf guy.

[@Travelling_with_my_dog]

telling the GF to "ask for help" with housework/cleaning implies that housework/cleaning is HER job, and BF is being all chivalrous when he "helps." Try being an equal partner, dude.

[@sumatrannos]

"Don't come at my wife" Lmao nobody does but you my guy this is freaking hilarious fr

[@crystalgemgirl731]

I hope the comments ripped him a new hole.

[@alderfae9898]

I live with my ex. She is my roommate, and about a year after our breakup, we rekindled the friendship we had before dating and have been close ever since. My girlfriend and I are long-distance right now, and the living arrangement has never made her insecure. People can definitely be around exes as long as you still aren't romantically attached to them.

[@emilyjohn2034]

Especially because there are a LOT of exes out there where what happened was “we are super close friends who try dating, realize we aren’t actually interested in that way, and go back to being friends” that’s what happened with my sister. Like she still plays dnd every week in a game with not just her ex but also her new gf

[@mellow_mallow]

​@@emilyjohn2034 exactly!!! Still super close friends with someone who is my ex. our romantic relationship was... Pretty bad, but our friendship is great. i realized while dating her that I'm aromantic, which explains a lot of the discomfort I was experiencing in that relationship lol

[@user-uw8pd2dy4b]

Not gonna lie, the paternity test one kinda drives me nuts just a little bit. I completely understand where he's coming from with how his trauma's affected him growing up and him trying to stop his anxiety from looping by giving himself the ultimate proof, like he said. I know I've asked for really stupid things due to my anxiety, and I usually make it clear that I'm just trying to soothe said anxiety before I make said request [Ex: "Hey my anxiety's acting up real bad- Can we do this so my brain will stop losing its shit?"]. Even with therapy, trauma like this takes time to work through, so I don't really understand why a paternity test is the biggest issue here, especially when she knows he has major issues with this? Maybe he should've phrased it better, but I know if I were in this situation as the wife, I wouldn't mind. I'd know it's his brain fucking with him and understand how that feels. Now if he was constantly monitoring her activity to make sure she never cheated on him, then I'd be saying something else. But a simple question to soothe someone's anxiety just... it doesn't compute with me. Like I get why she's upset- She straight up asked why he thinks she cheated on him, but it's not that he thinks she cheated; it's that his anxiety is getting worse and worse and he knows that this will dissolve most of it and help him heal as his mind realizes the cycle wouldn't repeat. Maybe I'm a bit biased, but that's just me applying my experiences to this. Either way, I feel bad for both of them and hope they're doing okay now.

[@analyticaltomato]

Yeah, like, I feel like no one is really in the wrong. Feeling like your partner doesn’t trust you sucks, and anxiety is horrible, but also, “men will do anything but get therapy” doesn’t really apply here, I think. Therapy isn’t a magic switch that instantaneously rids you of trauma. He might be getting help already but it takes a while. I feel like they were too harsh on him.

[@Ladyinquisitor]

This is an older video i happened upon but i started looking through comments to see if anyone felt like I did and I’m glad to have found a couple. With severe anxiety and OCD (and it sounds to me like this has become an obsession, which i completely understand) you can absolutely know something is 100% logically not true, you can absolutely believe that it is not true, and still have this horrible gnawing anxiety. It doesn’t make sense and we know it doesn’t make sense. I know it must suck for the wife in this instance but i think it’s totally valid to ask for something that you know will put to rest this uncontrollable monster in your mind. And, sadly, I wouldn’t be surprised if her hurt and refusal only spurs that anxiety deeper. Unfortunately, people without anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies sometimes don’t have the most empathy when it comes to what we have to do to soothe the beast, so to speak.

[@trulydarkknight8358]

I think the issue is that just because he gets the paternity test doesn't mean he will relax. This isn't a relational paranoia is the thing and he admits this. He knows his wife has never cheated on him but still wants this because his paranoia is based on any rational logic. It seems he never got therapy for his past trauma and getting this paternity test might just make him begin to believe that the paternity test is wrong or he must check again. Do not forget this is a nonratinal fear and even with the proof of his wife never cheating he still has this so their is literally no guarantee that a paternity test won't just have his fear devolve into something even less rational like believing their may have been a mistake with the test or the like.

[@catrakitten]

Instead of complaining and blaming their ex's, they should work on themselves and move on with their lives.

[@rosie2871]

unfortunately i think most of the ppl writing these stories don't have enough self awareness for that

[@kingdomofcrows]

they just want pity points, which fortunately most dont get unless they *really* twist the story or completely lie

[@harlequinheart7132]

Oh my god I resonate with the girlfriend in the cleaning story so much. I'm pretty sure my husband has the same mindset as this guy when it comes to helping with our children, and it can get so infuriating. He's more than happy to help "if I ask", but he almost never takes the initiative to do anything without me asking every single time, and asking every single time is exhausting. And the same thing when I've tried to talk to him about it, he focuses hard on "I'd do whatever you need if you'd just ask me" and breezes right over "this is me asking you, that is literally what this is right now." I don't know if this is a "man" thing or just a "people who were parented a certain way" thing or something as I have a pretty limited comparison pool, but it's like if they're not told explicitly that something needs doing, they just assume somebody else is handling it? Like you said, dude has eyes. It can't be that he doesn't see that things need to be done, it's just like there's some disconnect between 'something needs doing' and 'I should do this thing' where the assumption is made that somebody else is already/will get around to doing the thing and so it gets ignored. Don't blame that girl at all, whoof. I love my husband but if I'd noticed this tendency in him before we had kids, we might not have had kids. x.x Sometimes it feels like being a single parent with a teenager I have to wheedle into babysitting the little ones than like having a parenting partner.

[@FS-qk5uq]

I hope you divorce him and find your freedom. I say if he's not a bad dad then leave him and leave him with the kids. Pay child support and get visitation rights. He'll probably and conveniently figure out how to act like an adult then.

[@user-ki1xj5fl1i]

@@FS-qk5uqsad but scarily true. Divorce might not even be the answer, a break, a weekend with them alone, hell even just you deal with the kids today and tonight should really notify someone willing to be a parent, exactly what it takes to be around and raise children.

[@user-sg4ov7ng4h]

This is one of the reason for divorces, girl, you'll just end up despising him. Tell him to put on a alarm to remember or smth

[@PGOuma]

Not the one guy still being a bully and proving their points 💀💀💀 I know that I was a menace in high school (still am) and I went out of my way to send a text to those I wronged (well, those whose numbers I still had). Like, it isn't that hard to acknowledge past poor behavior and apologize for it, especially if others come to you years later to express how your past behavior have hurt them. If you have changed, you wouldn't mind taking a bit of accountability and possibly giving that other person closure...

[@snowicorn]

That first story kinda reminded me of my ex. We were together for 2,5 years (long-distance relationship, but we met up sometimes) and I knew he had trust issues because he told me about it. Basically he was pretty guillable (fell for a couple of scams), but he found it hard to trust people on bigger things, so he didn't completely trust me that I won't cheat on him. Now, I'm aromantic(?) demisexual and he was the one who had a crush on me and asked me out, because I was never looking for a romantic partner in the first place (like ever) and I tried to reassure him, that I'm not planning to cheat on him. Of course I didn't expect him to just believe my words, but I stayed faithful to him for the whole time, hoping that will help him at least trust me somewhat more. One detail I didn't mention is that he was a horrible person, very much abusive (luckily it was an ldr and things didn't get physical) and he constantly made me feel insecure about myself: telling me he doesn't like my looks, doesn't like the way I talk, doesn't like my shyness and the fact that I only have one friend (I'm very introverted) and constantly telling me that I'm a boring person and always acting like he's smarter than me (basically gaslighting). So, because he didn't like my looks, he openly said that he wants to find another girl specifically with a bigger chest because it's so important to him and he was sharing his "progress" with me, later telling me I have to find him a new girlfriend. When I finally (and I mean FINALLY and not temporarily) broke up with him, he said "all women are the same" and that I'll "likely find a new c**k in a few months", basically undermining the whole 2,5 years of our relationship because he likely didn't trust me throughout the whole thing. This was more proof that I was right in choosing to dump him, because the relationship wasn't going anywhere :p

[@imabosssorta1923]

That sounds to me more like weaponizing other people's actual insecurities when it comes to trusting. Not that he actually had the insecurity. He just used it as a way to control you. Could be wrong. It was a 2.5yr relationship and I'm just reading this bit about it.

[@snowicorn]

@@imabosssorta1923 It could be that. Now that I think back on that relationship, I notice that he reacted to any problem in an exaggerated manner, saying he'll jump on the road because his legs hurt from standing on the bus or things like that. He also told me that everyone around him are mean to him, don't take him seriously and actually think bad about him, pretending to be friends. Maybe it was a real insecurity or maybe he just wanted me to feel bad for him, so I would support him (he often asked me for money or favors and I did everything, thinking that's what love is supposed to be, when he didn't do those things gor me).

[@lief9100]

Regarding the last story, paternity test, I agree that it'd be incorrect to say "no part of him thinks that his wife cheated", but it's the traumatised part, not his conscious thoughts. You can consciously know something, feel completely confident about it, but then still get invasive thoughts. So unless he's just lying, which is just always a possibility, he doesn't need to trust his wife more, he needs to address the invasive thoughts. Now in most cases getting therapy is an option that'd work and will be best, but it's not the only option. Some situations aren't that invasive or come up infrequently enough that you can just act on them without harm and they pass. I feel like this one is on the line, mainly because it involves someone else's body, but paternity tests aren't that invasive to do. From the mother it's just a blood draw. So it's the option of one blood draw and a week of waiting, or an unknown duration of therapy and struggling against the invasive thoughts while trying to raise a child. The paternity test is a one time cost that will address the anxiety directly, give a solid physical representation to counter it, and still has the option to continue into therapy if the thoughts don't go away. While therapy could be a very long struggle, racking up more cost that the test would be, with the possibility of still slipping back into those thoughts while actively raising the child. I wouldn't want to take that risk, so I don't fault the husband for asking. But there were definitely better steps going into it. Be honest about how much the anxiety is affecting him, make it clear that he consciously loves and trusts her and that it's the anxiety from his past trauma that needs to be addressed, and present the paternity test along with therapy together as options for how to address it. This lets her know it can't just be brushed away, it's not about his trust but this anxiety, and that he doesn't see the paternity test as a proof of fidelity but a method of addressing the anxiety like therapy would be. In the end, it sounds like the wife isn't comfortable with it happening, so just therapy will have to do, but he shouldn't be called the asshole just because he asked. (Maybe for being bad at asking about it, but I'd call that being inept, not an asshole)

[@SolarpunkVince]

Absolutely agree with this!! Anxiety and trauma don't listen to reason and conscious thoughts so I feel like it's pretty unfair to say he doesn't trust his partner enough and that trusting her more would fix things. He definitely needs therapy though (unless like you said the test would help more, but I feel like he generally has some trauma that might need working on for him to be a good dad)

[@kylebonini6117]

@@SolarpunkVince Yeah I agree too but you said all that I was thinking.

[@idontwannahostthisshownomore]

100000% lol i've had anxiety spirals so bad about pregnancy that i've given in and taken a test even though it would have been *impossible* for me to be pregnant. sometimes it really is that simple, of course therapy will help eventually but like...if you can just stop the anxiety immediately, i would've at least asked too lol

[@lief9100]

@@SolarpunkVince Very possible, regarding him still needing therapy. Maybe this is the only way is noticeably manifesting, but more sneaky forms are waiting in the wings. And that does point to the actual best course of action, finances permitting. Do Therapy and after working through the details assess the option of having the test done. With so little information, like from a post online, it's difficult to say anything for certain.

[@lief9100]

@@idontwannahostthisshownomore Oh yeah, I had a partner that had inconsistent periods and my goodness does that create a lot of anxiety despite the minuscule, infinitesimal, honestly definitely impossible nature of the chance of her actually being pregnant. The brain just likes to panic. Like that's what it was built to do.

[@antonymph-of-the-internet]

hiii! you're probably never gonna see this but i just wanted to share that I showed my mom your song (Monsters and Fairies) and she absolutely loved it, she said your voice is soothing. She's always struggled with self esteem and body image, i have as well, and your song means a lot to both of us, you are truly an inspiring and amazing person. I listen to that song on my way to school sometimes. thank u for your music and your content

[@Dinokreechur]

BUMP

[@DystortdSacrifice]

I didn’t know it was her song but I figured and now I’m gonna add it to my playlist it’s always stuck in my head even when I haven’t watched a video that day 😭

[@bonesbeans6053]

i love that song so much as well as leaders of tommorow :DDD

[@zenleeparadise]

Awe this is so wholesome. I'm sure she'll see this!!

[@SwarmofBees-inatrenchcoat]

Well if we reply enough to this comment then she will see it

[@nomethodonlymadness9528]

For the paternity test one im torn. My girlfriend and I both suffer with anxiety and will often ask each other for weird requests because it would soothe the accute anxiety of something. Weve both been to therapy, but sometimes you need to stop the loop. Thats where communication comes in though. Hes been downplaying his issues to his wife so for her this is out of the blue. I dont blame her for being upset and agree he needs therapy, but i also dont think its entirely unreasonable if it will help stop the obsessive thought loop.

[@cedardelossantos5987]

The thing is (and this is something I saw a lot of people mentioning in the comments of the original post) will the paternity test really ease his fears? Left untreated, anxiety can make you think some really irrational things even with proper evidence. What could happen is that he gets the right result, but is left paranoid that somehow it was faked or false. What the man needs is therapy and not a paternity test that could potentially make his paranoia worse.

[@nicka.9057]

I did read a reddit story where the paternity test came back negative but the wife didn't cheat. They went on to sue the hospital. Not sure if that story is true, it's reddit, but still.

[@LordDomielOfElysium]

@@cedardelossantos5987 that’s why afterwards he should get help. No one is saying otherwise here?

[@queencatherineofaragon938]

I always ask this in regards to paternity testing women who have given no signs/evidence of infidelity. Why are you with her? If you want this test are you okay having a mortgage together? Having her name on the deed? Having her take care of bills and taxes without you ? Have POA over you? Will you be comfortable with her being able to pull the plug on you? Can she travel alone at work conferences like to Las Vegas? Etc. If the answer is no to all above you shouldn’t be together. If the answer is yes to all but the paternity, then you think she’s a 304 and you shouldn’t be together .

[@clarrytheclam]

I feel like if she had nothing to hide she should just go along with it to ease his anxiety so long as he pays for it and is endlessly apologetic afterwards...

[@hopeguillory7574]

While I agree with your opinion on the drinking story, especially when the ex got brought into it I do just gotta say 2 glasses can 100% get someone drunk. It depends on tolerance if my partner drank 2 glasses they would be absolutely PLASTERED

[@emilyjohn2034]

To me the fact that the only thing he can use to suggest she’s drunk is “i thought she sounded drunk” without any examples is pretty suspicious

[@LordDomielOfElysium]

21:50 he is practically ASKING for her to be sexually assaulted, what’s wrong with him?! Literally my worst nightmare, being drunk alone outside at night. Can’t dial 911 properly, can’t focas or are able to find the nearest exit, etc.

[@The-one-and-only-Fruitcake]

I don’t really blame op or the gf for the first one She probably has insecurities and trust issues that she needs to work on independently and sometimes the wrong name just slips out, esp for people with ADHD. The number of times i’ve called my best friend “grandma” is absurd

[@edmundjimenez9136]

Yeah it sounds like she also isn't ready for a relationship. He may be over her and like it was just a slip and she has her insecurities and that one mess up kill the whole thing. She needs to love herself before she can be in a relationship.

[@PGOuma]

I wanna know why she suspected him of not being over his ex previously. Like, he never gave context or examples of why she thought that to begin with. It had to be more than just trust issues

[@8randnewcity]

@@edmundjimenez9136 the implication of the phrase "she needs to love herself before she can be in a relationship" is that a majority if mentally ill people shouldnt be in relationships which is... not great. sometimes you need someone else to push you along or youll NEVER love yourself.

[@cutienerdgirl]

@@8randnewcity No one ever mentioned anything about having mental illness. In this case, it's true that she needs to love herself before she loves anyone else because what she's doing as a result of her insecurity is hurting others.

[@8randnewcity]

@@cutienerdgirl use your reading comprehension skills... low self esteem is tied to a pretty big majority of mental illnesses whether or not the girl in the story has one

[@VesperTime]

As someone who was bullied mercilessly in high school, and is in my mid-30s now, yes it is totally normal to hold onto those things. Thanks to the treatment of peers when I was young I now struggle with low self esteem, severe body dysmorphia, and crippling imposter syndrome on the reg. Do I spend every day thinking about those experiences and dwelling on it? No, of course not, but it definitely impacted the person I became as an adult. I've gotten social media fr from some of my former bullies and I still won't accept them into my life because no matter what kind of people they may be now, those experiences were absolutely traumatizing for me. And I know that this comment will sound extremely familiar to so many other people, because my experience is not unique. So for that guy to just say "aww need a tissue? Get over it" is so absolutely telling of the kind of person he is. I hope she dumped him. What an a**hole.

[@unngjerde5064]

As someone who's been pushed down the very tall stairs at my school by bullys, it is not something you can just get over.

[@CreekSong.warriors]

Were you ok from being pushed? Also I agree being bullied is something that doesn’t heal over night. Sorry u had to go through that

[@unngjerde5064]

@@CreekSong.warriors i didn't break any thing, but it hurt like hell for days

[@CreekSong.warriors]

@@unngjerde5064 yeah that makes sense I’m lucky I haven’t been as severely bullied. I’m glad ur better now

[@Hawthorn6852]

10:22 in some cases I can understand not knowing how clean someone else wants the house. Because personally, I'm okay with a little bit of a mess. A few dishes in the sink, a few dirty clothes in the hamper, etc.. But I know some people would rather have the sink empty as often as possible, or need their space to always be clean and as a neurodivergent person I NEED SPECIFICITY, I need to know the other person's boundaries because if I'm okay with a few dishes in the sink but the person I'm living with isn't, then that IS something they need to tell me about so I can know to try to clean up more often. This guy is obviously the asshole in this situation and he probably doesn't care about her boundaries. Especially since he leaves her to take care of stuff he agreed to, like the child and the dog. That is completely irresponsible and inconsiderate. But as a neurodivergent person who needs specificity I really think more people do need to communicate their needs on this more. Because unless the sink or the laundry basket are getting a little bit full, how is someone supposed to know to take care of it unless I say "Hey I can't stand it when there's more than a few dishes in the sink"?

[@lndcruz721]

same, like i dont clean my dishes immediately sometimes for example and I definitely dont mind a slightly messy space because sometimes I just might not have the time or energy to deal with it at the time it gets messy. i would need to be told what level of cleanliness the other person in comfortable with and compromise

[@poisonapple9950]

The thing with this though is that she *did* tell him in the story by saying to him that if he sees dishes or dirty clothes, clean them. But throughout the story he still doesn't, and even gives her his babysitting responsibilities. I see your point and other comments like this and agree, however I don't think this was the case.

[@izzy9451]

this is exactly what i was thinking!! i have the same issue where i just don't perceive mess the same as other (specifically neurotypical) ppl do. this caused a whole issue w my roommate bc she didn't like how my space was or that i didn't clean the stove every time i cooked. i wish ppl would communicate their needs before getting angry

[@FS-qk5uq]

Stop using being neurodivergent as an excuse to be a slob and expecting people to clean up after you as if you're a child while demanding they treat you like an adult in every other way. Also stop blaming other people for being bad in communication when it's most likely you who is bad at it. People shouldn't have to tell you the same thing repeatedly or how to be an adult and to clean up after yourself. If you can look up this video and make comments then you certainly can figure out how to clean up after yourself without being nagged like a child. If something is dirty, clean it. It's as simple as that. Have dirty laundry, wash it. Counters dirty, wipe it up. Dirty floors, sweep and mop. Dirty dishes, wash them. Dry clean dishes, put them away. It's not that effing hard. Don't move out of your mommy's house if this is how you're gonna be.

[@Hawthorn6852]

@@poisonapple9950 I don't think this particular story was the case either he's obviously in the wrong here. But that small aspect of the story reminded me of a lot of different stories I've seen happen that could have easily been solved with better communication

[@ferl.r733]

18:18 this follow section was what made me boil. Just the audacity to assume anyone would come after the wife. Clearly the man doesn’t understand that having a family mean sacrificing some pleasure to keep the family well.

[@kylebonini6117]

but why do you have to sacrifice? I do not have anything like that yet so I am sure I will learn but Imo you should be able to be happy and keep a happy family you shouldn't have to sacrifice friendships or game time or something that might make you miserable just so that everyone else is happy you can integrate your family with some of that stuff have family game nights or whatever but you shouldn't HAVE to SACRIFICE anything just try and be happy and you will be all good.

[@nonexistingvoid]

@@kylebonini6117 bringing your friends over while knowing your partner is in pain and needs you is kinda shitty. And if they're playing a game, I don't he'll be ready to help her with anything quickly, instead making her wait for them to finish their round or something (depending on the game they're playing) Also, she needs some peace and quiet, not him and his friends making noise downstairs, feeling ignored by her partner. Sometimes we need to choose between being their for our psrtner(s) and/or child(ren) and having fun with our friends. And in this case, his wife needed him more than his friends did. Game time can wait until next time, but his wife's pain wouldn't conveniently go away just for him

[@ferl.r733]

@@kylebonini6117 I get the need to have time to have fun. But starting a family is hard work from both parents. Especially if there isn’t a ‘community’. I’m not saying people have to give up everything all the time but in life you can’t get everything you want so you have to choice what is worth it. I think it’s calls Opportunities lost. You loose something to get something else.

[@FS-qk5uq]

​@@kylebonini6117never have children. Don't even date. You're too immature and selfish for either one.

[@pinkkkkkkkkk]

@@kylebonini6117 game nights would be cool if she didn't only give birth 6 weeks ago, there's a 6 week old baby in the house and she's in pain. Games can wait

[@FirstPancakeUncovered]

I’m not mad about the paternity test. If he’s communicating his fears i’d have no problem getting my husband the test. HOWEVER i will only do this if he also get therapy for his fears. We can work on them together.

[@xoderota]

the guy who wanted a paternity test really reminds me of how I would feel during my ocd flareups. It's not about not trusting your partner, it's about your brain telling you you shouldn't. Getting the test would not solve the anxiety if his situation is like mine was, it would reassure his brain that the fear was reasonable and he'd feel even worse - "maybe the test wasn't accurate, I should start controlling my wife's life to make sure she doesn't cheat". It sucks. The only way I got better was with meds, though therapy would be even better for most people, it just wasn't an option for me at that time. I feel really bad for him and his wife and I sincerely hope he's able to get help and explain his situation to his wife and that she'll understand and support his recovery, because if they just break up, it will be an issue in any other relationship he'll have

[@Louise-kl7ow]

11:00 i can kind of see his perspective. i’m a women but i grew up in a very messy environment. that i refer to as “the horder den” i genuinely can’t see mess sometimes because my brain just tunes it out. obviously i still clean when i notice but sometimes i just genuinely do not see the issue. sometimes a “hey do the dishes” is incredibly useful. the rest of his bs is insane though

[@scratchjohnson4636]

I have mixed feelings about the drinking story. I'm a young woman in a large city who often uses Uber late at night and I've even experienced assault on transit... at the same time, I would be really irritated if my partner's drinking habits forced me to go out and pick them up at odd hours of the night just because they couldn't pace themselves with their alcohol- especially since the OP mentioned it was a pattern, and especially if I had work or some other obligation in the morning. I think if he was originally intending to pick her up but then changed his mind when she sounded drunk he is 100% the asshole. However, if she was originally supposed to get home another way but then had to call him because she got too drunk or bailed on her ride home, he's not the asshole- but because of the safety concerns, she wouldn't be an asshole either. I definitely think it's possible that he was lying about how drunk she sounded on the phone bc he was jealous, but it's also possible that the partner could have had more than two glasses of champagne, or just decided to slam them back to back like a goofball.

[@nonexistingvoid]

I'm confused why her friends, whom he says pushed her to drink, didn't take responsibility instead. He made it clear to her that she had to drive herself home, and he wouldn't pick her up if she'd drink alcohol. She did it anyway, and he kept his word. What kind of friend would see their friend being left to fend for herself and not offer her a ride or place to sleep? Sure, he could be lying about things, this is an anonymous stranger on the internet after all, but still, it's kinda weird she got an uber home instead of staying at a friend's place in this situation.

[@scratchjohnson4636]

Agreed- it's super weird that her friends were just willing to leave her like that.

[@poisonapple9950]

I feel like even if it's 'irritating' and a 'pattern', or if she bailed on her ride, it'd still be a shitty thing to do (unless you aren't capable for other reasons besides "I don't want to"). Shit can happen at parties, plans change, and sometimes simply staying sober or "not drunk" when around alcohol can be hard for people who may be addicted. Safety comes first and any good and capable partner would pick up their drunk SO to avoid danger. He should address this by talking about it with her when she's sober. In this case, maybe re-consider the kinds of friends she hangs out with. Or plan less night outs and more day outs. Small changes in habits. Don't abandon her, a drunk person, for not being able to keep her promise because she's drunk.

[@nonexistingvoid]

@@poisonapple9950 her friends abandoned her too. Sure, she probably wouldn't've gone home with her ex to not cause extra drama, but what about her other friends? (OP was wrong for not trusting her to go just because of a relationship she had when she was technically still a child, though) If she has problems with alcohol, that's something she needs to work on. If she can't say "no" to her friends, that's also something she'll need to work on. Meanwhile, her friends need to appreciate her more, and OP needs to grow up and not be so jealous and suspicious. Either way, I think everyone has a hand on how all this ended

[@mxflint1715]

Yeah maybe it's a me thing because i've always been super indipendend and never had anyone come pick me up (mom died at 16 and dad was a dick so i made so with ehat i had) but it's weird how she expect him to come pick her up... like why isn't she driving? And if she is driving why is she drinking? I live in italy and i've come home at night late with public trasport (basically always because i barely drive anymore) or just taken a taxi or organised a ride with my friends. I just don't see why she's expecting him to come pick her up since she's a grown ass woman

[@that.neurodivergent]

Hi Queer Kiwi, I would just also add to your addendum of “doesn’t apply if you’re not able bodied” that having certain mental illnesses or neurodivergence can cause a lot of fatigue that makes it harder for us to do things, and we might also need more support than others. Just something to think about as well ❤ love your vids

[@Therethereheis]

Yes !! I'm so glad I found a partner who understands this. He still needs to learn some stuff but he's doing great and he knows I'm trying my best. I wish everyone who struggles a partner like him man, we all deserve a little support

[@dondashall]

Yup. We can (and should) of course work on trying to do better (I'm so much better now than I was in my 20s), but we're never going to manage it on an NT level. And it's not just (or even primarily) fatigue I'll argue, it's so many more things from organization, to fucking executive-dysfunction and much more.

[@mackenziemcclara5495]

Mental illnesses and neurodivergency can be a disability it kind of counts under that term

[@hollyk7052]

Ocd is disabling for sure

[@emilyjohn2034]

Technically that does fall under able bodied. Able bodied refers to you being able to complete the task just fine, and mental illness is no different from physically illness

[@Therethereheis]

I just wanna share how easy it is to be mature about meeting an ex at a party when your partner is coming along too. So I was going to a birthday party of a good friend of mine and he is a mutual friend of my ex. It was the first time I saw my ex since 2 years so I was a little uncertain of how it was gonna be but I still asked my boyfriend if he was gonna come along anyways, he said sure so we went together. Then at the party my ex was already there so I just said hello and we even hugged and caught up to how our lives changed since we broke up, I introduced him to my boyfriend and they had a good talk aswell. It was very obvious that there were no romantic feelings left on either side and we just had a good time for the rest of the night and actually kept meeting up at parties for birthdays, Christmas, New year's, etc. So yeah since then we drifted apart but I'm sure if we were to meet up again, it would be like a hangout between good friends.

[@roselover411]

The last guy does 100% need a therapist. But also. I personally wouldn't mind doing a paternity test if it would settle his worries. It doesn't hurt the baby and even though I would never cheat, I can understand his fears nonetheless. If it would allay his paranoia, it's really not a big deal. But I can understand how some people would be incredibly insulted and hurt that it feels like he doesn't trust them not to cheat when his unaddressed trauma is the cause of the paranoia.

[@claratalbot7613]

On the cleaning post. While I have adhd and my cleaning/organizing skills are pure organized chaos, that doesn't mean I just expect other people do everything for me & only do stuff if I'm verbally asked. For example, I may leave dishes on the end table by my chair but will take care of them the next time I get up without having to have someone else tell me to do it. That guy just sounded like he wanted his girlfriend to take care of all of his responsiblies for him & then try to act like he wasn't in the wrong even after she literally told him how he can help

[@ShelbyLikesStuff]

Am I to tired to comprehend any of this? Yes. Am I going to use this as background noise while I both try and try not to fall asleep? Also yes.

[@shadowstar5818]

I wanna know what that mans house looks like with girlfriend gone, considering his reluctance to work/clean

[@Valfara770]

It looks probably very chaotic. As somebody who also doesn't like to clean etc. I can tell you that what mine looks like. But that's why I live alone so nobody is inconvinienced by it but me! And I do clean up when I get visitors! :)

[@mazal312]

32:00 I disagree with that one, anxiety is anxiety and it is just one test that will make him feel better. Of course therapy is obviously necessary, however though normally I side with pregnant women in these situations, I don't see the problem with her just doing the test so he can feel at ease due to something that was obviously traumatic for him which he HAS communicated openly to her.

[@ana-nim]

The guy who "wasn't mind reader" just doesn't want to take responsibility for the household. Sorry but if you should be told that dirty dishes are dirty then you're not even a child, there's something seriously wrong with you. She dodged a bullet with this one.

[@kylebonini6117]

that's not entirely true some people have a hard to working up the mental and physical energy to do menial tasks like that it is hard for people you shouldn't just assume that since they are easy tasks for you they are easy for everyone they are difficult tasks and can be draining and if they do not need to be done right away what's the need to do them they will get cleaned and stuff. as for the last part with the child and pet stuff that is not right.

[@ana-nim]

​@@kylebonini6117 they're not easy for me as well. Why you assume something about me? And then proceed to tell me not assume something. Don't you find yourself hypocritical? I'm not neurotypical and I have struggles with all daily tasks including brushing my teeth and washing dishes. But I still do all that should be done because I live with my mom and I love her, I don't want her to do everything so I make an effort and help her. This dude doesn't want to do an effort because he doesn't love the person that lives with him, that's it. He is irresponsible and you're as well if you see nothing wrong in his behavior. No idea where you got something about "pet stuff" but you do you, babygirl, I'm not interested in opinion of irresponsible hypocrites.

[@kylebonini6117]

@@ana-nim I am sorry for that I did assume something I shouldn't have and I am sorry but why are you thinking be is doing that because he doesn't love her? I don't see how you can get that from that story he mayor may not be making excuses but from my experience it can be helpful to be told to do something because I don't see the point in doing a few dishes when you could wait and do a weeks worth for 1 day or whatever doesn't make logical sense to do it when there is only a few dishes in the sink. I do all that to and I have to be asked sometimes because I have ADHD and autism and I have no energy for those tasks but I don't do them just because I'm irresponsible and don't want to do them I don't do them because I never have the energy to do now like I said I do wash the dishes and stuff I just have to be reminded.

[@ana-nim]

​@@kylebonini6117 the point is because person who you live with and who you supposedly love asked you to do it. She asked once, it's enough. She made it clear that she doesn't want to do all the work herself and that she wants him to help. She even gave him indicators about how to realize that help is needed (even though it's already too much to do, I personally wouldn't raise a full grown adult man). All the rest is excuses. You can wash your dishes once a year if you fancy it but only if you live alone or if it doesn't bother those who live with you. It's common human decency to care about the comfort of others. It is irresponsible to not give a fck about those who are around you. The OP just wants someone else to be responsible for everything and he wants just sometimes occasionally do something. Managing household is tiring and exhausting too and OP doesn't want to bother himself.

[@ana-nim]

​​​​@@kylebonini6117 also sorry for being so harsh with you, maybe I responded too rude to you. I'm not sure but I have a feeling that I might be rude so better to apologize anyway, you don't deserve mean reaction. I feel like I directed my anger from the OP onto you.

[@ckblackwoodmusic]

Part 2 will be accepted; not to mention my newfound curiosity regarding 'Am I the Devil?' 😂 All the love, Sav ❤

[@alya9205]

the problem with the cleaning story and the "wife in pain, poor me wanted to hang out with friends" story is that these men aren't taking any responsibility for making their partners well-being a priority. Like they still manage to push this responsibility on them: "you can JuSt AsK me to help", when there shouldn't be any " asking", it should be them just "helping". Management is actually a full-time job, so "just telling what to do" is not all that simple. And they know it, they just don't wanna do anything before they're explicitly asked to (maybe not even one time, but multiple)

[@awfuldynne]

The one that starts at 9:28 There's a comic essay by "Emma" (I can't find a last name) with the title "You Should've Asked" (the original is in French, but I don't know if searching "Fallait demander" gives more relevant results). Mr. "I'm not physic [sic]" is exactly what the comic is talking about: managing the household is a job on its own (though many men tend not to acknowledge it) and men like him expect women to do that job instead of taking for themselves the tiniest bit of initiative with maintaining the household-and since they don't acknowledge that it is a job, their idea of a "fair split" of the chores tends to be rather light on their end in terms of effort. Sadly for those of us who value fairness, patriarchal society tends to tell this dude that if he's fine living in a garbage dump with a tower of dishes molding in the sink, he can't be blamed for his girlfriend _expecting_ him to have higher standards.

[@jogignac-davies6090]

i've been married 5 years and together for 8. His family members are very warm Italian american people and are constantly complimenting me and telling me I look great. The thing is, they do the same for each other because that's how you treat family! you boost them up and make them feel stronger versions of themselves! His boy cousins that are our age will do it, and his old aunties will too. He's not flirting with you he's trying to make you feel part of something which is the whole point of getting married. you're not just gaining one person, but a whole new family too. and if you're lucky, they'll treat you as one of their own. I think that girl is feeling the chase, she knows he's not into her (clearly he's flirting with other women very heavily in front of her comfortably) and it drives her crazy! she's the one who is projecting her feelings onto him.

[@emilybarclay8831]

Eh, I’m kinda on party taxi bf and paternity anxiety bf’s sides. Both of them gave rational reasons for their actions, taxi bf established a fair boundary and she agreed to it and then violated it. To me it depends on how often she’s going out and drinking, from the storu it sounds like she does it regularly and treats him as an Uber. Paternity dude’s wife knew what she was getting into when she has a baby with him. She knows it’s an irrational anxiety, but she’s not willing to do a test to prove it’s his kid? Why?

[@shannond1511]

The guy that won’t pick his gf up says she’s taking it way too far…hello! You’re the one that would Leave your gf in the middle of The night by herself because she didn’t follow your rules to the t. How does he not see that that’s taking it too far? When she doesn’t do what you want, you no longer care about her safety Then to punish her passive aggressively but pass it off as a boundary around drinking thing, even tho the lie and the truth are equally awful. What a weasel

[@bunbun20203]

For one paternity test one, it’s one of the few times that I understand why he wants one even though he has faith in his partner. He literally has trauma around this issue…

[@becca5510]

Tbh, I kinda understand the first one(depending how long he was with the ex)…she had just been brought up and it slipped out like some sort of muscle memory. I don’t think it means he’s in love with the ex or wants her at all. *However* I think the relationship needs to end, because there are clearly trust issues that can’t be worked out

[@Hana_H]

Exactly

[@CosmonautZer0]

bro has absolutely zero right to be mad his wife and newborn needed him. hella red flag. generally, i don't think there's anything wrong with going out to game with friends at that point long as it's in balance. gotta engage with your interests and meet social needs to be your happiest best self for your family, but i'd bet she never got the chance to go out with her friends🧐. and to be angry with her for not wanting to feel like she's alone while she's in pain and responsible for the wellbeing of a whole new human is so far over the line i wanna scream right in his face

[@emmadrew3911]

31:18 I kind of understand why he’s so anxious though and personally I would feel very offended yes, however, I might do the test because sure I trusted my parents as a kid but guess what: I still thought it was possible they were alien imposters or something and my OCD wouldn’t let little shit go. A therapist is the answer but I do think wanting information to be concrete like this is somewhat valid.

[@clarab325]

totally agreed

[@ErutaniaRose]

I wonder what the intersection for weaponized incompetence is for guys who were just infantilized as men, and guys who were never taught anything and further infantilized because they're autistic and their parents thought they couldn't learn. Like, how much of this is regularly not teaching skills, and how much of it is parents refusing to teach their autistic child skills.

[@foxsys]

bro that second lady is crazy omg YOU ARE NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER IN EVERYBODY'S LIFE JFC

[@saigeelizabeth8284]

the drinking story gave me flash back haha my ex strongly disliked drinking and smoking and I enjoy doing both when i’m with friends. I did something similar once where I told him I wouldn’t smoke and they I did behind his back which is wrong I won’t pretend it’s not but it was also to the point where he forced me to let him come to my friends house so that he could make sure I didn’t drink and only smoked as much weed as he let me (although he was very very unhappy I smoked at all) you can’t police what others do with themselves but at the same time sometimes stuff like a persons drinking preference can be enough to hurt a relationship

[@user-ki1xj5fl1i]

Being incompatible can definitely ruin a relationship, hell even have opposite triggers of each other can seriously harm a bond.

[@Orioncrowborne0808]

For the last story, I kinda get where the guy is coming from, as someone who sometimes has anxieties that I fully 100% know are stupid and practically impossible, but just can't shake that anxiety until i get some kind of reassurance, I don't think that his anxiety is from "not fully trusting his partner", I think it comes much more from a place of trauma, which is causing his irrational anxieties. So in my opinion it sounds like you're invalidating his anxiety to a certain extent. While yes, he definitely should've talked to someone before asking his partner about the paternity test, I don't think he's the asshole for having those anxious thoughts because he's scared of the possibility that him and the child might go through what he and his father did. I absolutely love your content, but I just can't help but feel a little uneasy with the way you handled the conclusion of the last story.

[@jimmypenguinny]

absolutely this. the way she reacted with the final story was really uncomfortable.

[@aviendha1154]

No. I’ve struggled with anxiety my entire life and I don’t make it other people’s responsibility to reassure me. I deal with my own ffing problems. He’s 100% the asshole and if he doesn’t work on his issues isn’t fit to be a parent.

[@kylebonini6117]

@@aviendha1154 you know your allowed to ask for help right I am not trying to be mean or anything but you don't have to deal with your own problems you can get help and it's not a bad thing to get reassurance if a kid gets a cut or something are you just going to tell that kid to suck it up? or are you going to reassure them that it's okay and that everything will be fine. that is the same as getting reassurance for anxiety?

[@aviendha1154]

@@kylebonini6117 asking for help isn’t the same thing as making your issues someone else’s responsibility.

[@aviendha1154]

@@kylebonini6117 also getting a cuddle for a parent after hurting yourself cut isn’t the same as insisting on a paternity test because you haven’t dealt with childhood trauma. The baby isn’t even born yet and this asshole is already a shitty ffing father.

[@kels3518]

24:00 this wild because wouldn't she still need a ride home if she hadn't drunk any alcohol? Like presumably she didn't drive in the first place so she couldn't drive home. And her not drinking doesn't stop anyone else so they most likely can't drive her either. I'm so confused

[@PeskyTransMan]

YALL THEY POSTED ❤

[@OtakuSapien]

With the cleaning one, at first I thought, "My roommate and I have a different threshold for what is "clean" enough. I can understand being frustrated bc you genuinely don't recognize something as needing cleaning" (ex: someone in the habit of only doing laundry when the basket is full vs someone who does it at half full). Then he said the stuff about the kid and the dog and I went, "Nevermind, this is a you problem."

[@arthurspils2565]

Hey, I saw the second one on one of The Click's latest videos! Had a "hol' up" moment then realised how much I was going to enjoy your reaction to this one ❤

[@milessolomon4864]

In the United States, we often have high school reunions at 5, 10, 20, and 30 years. Some schools are different, but a 5-year reunion is not uncommon.

[@Sarah-gz4no]

Why she paying so much attention to the brother to begin with?????

[@ThatFont]

One of my friends told me how awful her relationship with a guy was, and when I said I can’t support them being together she decided I loved her bf and we couldn’t be friends; it was the best decision I never made.

[@Nicole-zh7pl]

Lol the second one..."please dont bring up our past" .....her one ass date. Holey moley

[@AileanFae]

The bully one made my blood boil 🤬 How can people be like this and not feeling even a liiiittle bit of guilt?

[@brendawalton2518]

I'm happy for her. Glad she left him.

[@fool4343]

i think its kind of ok to get a paternity test if you have an anxiety from some trauma. therapy is of course should be the first choice and it was definitely the wrong time to ask. i think beforehand is only timw thats appropriate

[@violetvictoria7248]

No it not, that actually rude to some women. Either you believe her or you don't that your choice to leave her if you feel she would do something like that but for him to stop talking to his mother just because she cheated while she took care of him and him putting that on her wife just shows that he shouldn't be having childrens at all. He is only focus on his dad and him having a dad that actually was there, he was hoping he would be there for his kid too instead of being unpleasant as if that something that he feels like is a honour to have for the women that will have his childrens. That is a weird thought mindset to have and shouldn't be like that but just be normal and think about being a father, a men who has a child. But him thinking this way will put everything on the women and have her feel like she HAS to do this to have this GOOD MEN that isn't like the others even if she is not comfortable with it. He should just go and marry a prude or a nun as well as just adopt a child or something that will give him all the security he wants. This is something that no women should have to deal

[@cannedcheesecake]

@@violetvictoria7248clearly you dont know what intrusive and irrational thoughts are

[@FS-qk5uq]

​@@cannedcheesecakeclearly you don't know it's not ok to blame an entire group of people for the actions of one. You also clearly don't know it's not ok to put demands on your partner instead of going to therapy when you have mental problems.

[@cannedcheesecake]

@@FS-qk5uqnow now, when did i blame an entire group of people?

[@tezzanoia]

The whole "she's not asking for help" is so mind blowing for me because bro, unless you agreed it's her chores it's your (plural) chores to do this stuff. Her asking him to do his part isn't asking for help (that would assume it's her chores alone, not theirs together). Like when I decide to vacuum the house I don't expect to get applause for helping my partner because I didn't, it wasn't his chore to vacuum, it's a chore that needed to be done and I was the one to do it. If he had to constantly ask me to do it or he'd have to do it himself that wouldn't be asking for help, it would be asking for me to do my part that I should be doing anyways I'm honestly a big fan of having a conversation about chores and splitting them upfront so where possible each can do the part they're better at/that is easier for them and where that isn't the case it can be helpful to talk about things like "do it if you see it" (like the girlfriend clearly tried here) or weekly schedules. For example, my partner always takes care of the fresh food for the rats because I can't deal very well with one day old leftover salad and stuff, it grosses me out. While he's doing that I spot clean the cage and get their food mix ready (they don't get fed from a bowl but need to work for it for enrichment purposes. Things like the dishwasher are a "do it if you see it" chore and if one sees the other unloading it, it's logical to quickly put away what they're unloading for example. It's really not that hard to fucking communicate this properly and not just assume the other person will do everything

[@faithkincaid]

i would’ve laid into him if he left me to get an uber myself. like i’m not even joking LAID into him. like went absolutely fucking off. it would’ve been horrible for everyone involved.. cause are u kidding me?

[@starfall9461]

i would love more of this content! i love these AITA post vids bc i feel like i learn a lot ab healthy relationship dynamics from them, keep it rollin!!!!

[@brattrox2939]

If my husband wanted a paternity test, I'd just get it without guilting him for having very normal worries. I wouldn't be hurt at all, I completely understand how circumstances outside of my own actions can put fear into someones head. There is nothing to be offended about, trust is earned after all and that's just another opportunity to earn it.

[@LordDomielOfElysium]

31:00 if I was sexually assaulted then pushed away my partner the next week because I was scared, and still can’t allow him (or anyone) to get that close to me, is it my fault? Does that mean I don’t trust him? Just saying..

[@erikagundersen7173]

Hello from Norway! Love your channel even though i became fan before summer. Love that you are honest and relateble :D

[@professorfoxtrot]

Kiwi is a sea witch!

[@unngjerde5064]

Jeg er også fra norge🇧🇻

[@theartistswings9810]

The guy who didn’t pick up his tipsy girlfriend was *insufferable* and unrepentant in the comments when I checked the OP. Like jesus I hope she dumped him. He clearly gave no shits about her.

[@GarnetHeartIllustrations]

The one with the kid and the dog is so childish. Like idk if the gf said point blank “you need to look for yourself to see what needs cleaning” aside from saying “if you see dishes or laundry” like that he needs to check those things actively, but either way that guy wasn’t listening and has zero self awareness

[@OneTrueCat]

R.E: don't come for my wife (about 18:40)... Eh... It's reddit. There's a solid chance of a portion of the comments being drags on her. I don't think that, in and of itself, is that bad.

[@The-one-and-only-Fruitcake]

Yeah, that’s not projecting. That’s knowing what the internet is like and not wanting people to bash on his wife

[@sanityhasleftme]

Am I the asshole? I was. Literally every topic you talked on today hit me in my past, even had to make sure it wasn't me for a couple of them to how similar I was. Therapy does wonders, and I'm glad I found this channel. I needed this call out it really helped show me how far I've gotten. Thank you.

[@kitt648]

The dude who left his gf to get an uber at 11am is a psychopath. I hope she gets back with her ex from when she was 17.

[@Hana_H]

Unfortunately the “I’m not a psychic” one is very common, I see it so often

[@Stellar_Lake_sys]

last story, I've seen it suggested a decent bit that it's always good practice for both parents to get maternity/paternity tested once they have the baby physically back in their possession from the hospital, just because crib swap accidents are more common than people would like to think, and it helps dodge all manner of worse ways to learn one happened to your kid later in life

[@pinkgiraffe378]

As someone that was bullied in school I'm going to say yes to the first one already, that shit stays with you and can be traumatising.

[@emilyjohn2034]

About the ex thing, there are a lot of people (especially a relationship that young) that break up because they realize they were really only friends and stay friends afterwards. Happened to my sister, she has a ex who is one of her best friends, we literally have games together with her ex and her now current girlfriend. Because they realized that they weren’t really dating they were just friends holding hands. I could not imagine her new gf telling her she can’t be friends with her ex anymore. Not every ex relationship is the same it’s not fair to go straight to “oh well you shouldn’t be around this person anymore”

[@MochaTheCoffeeLover]

I think it would really be interesting to see you continue making content about this subreddit

[@kalaylaseehafer5195]

brooo that second one is insane "no no but honey your brother is a HUMAN and is NICE to me! he even talks to his girlfriend babeee"

[@anime17love]

27:50 this is 100% fake rage bait. I’m pretty sure thats why there’s such weird mistakes too.

[@anime17love]

Like literally probably written by a teenager

[@georgieh7351]

oooh the cleaning one sounded sooo patronising, like i was getting irritated listening to that. i don't understand people who will look DIRECTLY at a mess and not think 'i should probably do something about this mess'. Especially so that it doesn't become a bigger mess and more stressful to deal with. I'm not a minimalist or ocd or anything but whenever I'd have this conversation with my old uni roommates, i felt like i was going INSANE. They (all guys) would act like i was overreacting about any mess and that it wasn't that bad and that it could be worse. So they'd always leave stuff. Then i would tell them to do aomething about it... Then they get angry at me for 'nagging them'. I get that sometimes your brain isn't doing great and you need some help, but the way OP wrote that whole thing was so so patronising and reminded me of my own experience.

[@rosiebowers1671]

I found the cleaning one particularly infuriating too. A caricatural example of flat-out refusing to carry any of the mental load. "But you should have asked, I'm not "physic"" Ughhh...

[@gillebro]

Agreed. This one pissed me off. My mother is like this sometimes - she’ll see that the cat’s thrown up or something and be like “I’m not cleaning it”. Shirking responsibility like that irritates me to no end. The whole “she never asks me” thing screams gender inequality to me. Why should she have to ask you? Why is it her job to keep tabs on everything and notice that something needs to be done? Oh right; it’s not her job. It’s BOTH of yours. So glad she left.

[@kylebonini6117]

Imo and the way my brain works is that there is no reason to do dishes until the sink is full or you run out because that is just a waste of resources to do like three at a time I always plan to do the dishes at the end of the week so I don't feel like I am wasting soap and water and things like that. So I can understand not doing the dishes or needing to be asked because my brain a few dishes in the sink is not urgent what is the big deal they will get done by either me or roommate or both just depends on my routine or my SO's routine. if she wants them done as soon as they get put in there then tell me. specify and I will change up my routine to do them. otherwise they will get done at the end of the week as will the laundry or cleaning windows tubs etc. I don't put that stuff off till the last second but I do not see a logical reason to do them straight away or to do them when it's either not the end of the week or full or we are out of dishes.

[@Magic_Skeleton]

Totally agree. He reminds me of my dad, totally ignoring mess and pretending it doesn't exist just to avoid putting in any effort. Sometimes he will clean things but then he makes it very clear he's only doing it to appease someone and he holds it over their head as if it was a favor to be repaid, and not an inherent responsibility as an adult. I have trouble cleaning, but I am well aware of my clutter, and I work on it when I can, the only input I need is what to prioritize to stop inconveniencing others.

[@1981lackadaisy]

I had an ex accidentally call me his ex’s name at the tail end of our 5 year relationship. I had already moved out of his house, but we were technically still together. The look on his face after it came out of his mouth was PRICELESS.

[@avocado_pop]

i want to deposit a point for the first story, if it genuinely wasn't on purpose, then it was muscle memory, in a 3 year relationship you do become accustomed to your partner and their existence. like that's about the period where your brain stops firing all the happy chemicals, or the "honeymoon phase" is over. op's brain was probably falling back on old neurons firing. I'm saying that in good faith that op was genuinely not trying to do that. he probably just doesn't say "I love you" a lot. not saying that the girlfriend has to agree or just throw out preexisting trust issues, but it's a plausible theory.

[@gneissnicebaby]

Regarding the guy who refused to pick up his girlfriend, my question for him in the morning would be: If we had a son or daughter who chose to drink or do drugs while out with friends, then what would you want us to do? Are we going to leave them to sort it out themselves because they made bad choices/didn't obey us, or are we getting in the car with a bottle of water and a bucket to make sure our child, and potentially others children, get home safely and theres another day to discuss the bigger issue at hand? I'm certain this guy's issue was that trust was broken. However, that is exactly what he will feel when his child does the same thing. So what she needs to know ASAP is if it's his policy that when someone breaches his trust that he shows his hurt by withholding love and safety because if that's the case he needs to work on that and if he doesnt work on that she needs to run. [Edit due to additional context: yeah same thing. He's showing that when he is hurt, instead of talking about the issue, he will withhold love and risk your safety. Get out now.]

[@notdestini]

Honestly that last one sounds like OCD to me (which I say as someone with OCD but I’m not qualified to diagnose so block of salt there). It can suck getting trapped in that kind of mental loop but following the compulsions doesn’t always help, it often just redirects that anxiety into something else and it can be really destructive. I have sympathy for the dude but I think his anxiety is seeping out in a way that’s not constructive or helpful and he really needs help.

[@alexisskelly4073]

I feel a little sorry for the guy in the cleaning story. I am autistic and have ADHD and sometimes I just literally do not see things that need to be cleaned up after I clean the house. I have someone come behind me and point out everything I missed so I can clean it up. I’m also the type of person who gives other people the benefit of the doubt, so maybe the guy in the cleaning story is like me and literally does not notice when there is clothes in the hamper or dishes in the sink. I also acknowledged it could be Weaponized incompetence.

[@Limonenmixgetraenk]

I also often don't notice mess or chores. But he is talking about "helping" as if it is all her tasks that he sometimes benevolently helps with, rather than his tasks that he sometimes needs to be reminded to do.

[@Hana_H]

I mean maybe. But also if HE offered to look after a dog and a child then he should be the one doing it mot of the time, and he makes it sound like he kinda left them on their own so his gf had to step in

[@FS-qk5uq]

Wow people be turning themselves into pretzels to excuse people especially grown ass men from actually acting like adults. Stop using being neurdivergent as an excuse to be a slob. If you can find this video and write a comment then you can figure out how to clean. When something is dirty, clean it. It's that simple. Dirty dishes in the sink, wash them. Dirty laundry, wash it. Counter dirty, wipe it up. Floor dirty, sweep and mop. Trash full, take it out. It's not hard. Stop making excuses for not acting like an adult then expecting people to treat you like one. If you need to be nagged like a child to clean up after yourself then better stay living with your mommy.

[@londynk1085]

okay, i usually agree with you. but on the one with the paternity test i don’t see how he’s in the wrong. i feel like people try to prove men to be wrong in a lot of situations even if they aren’t. and no, i’m not misogynistic. i feel like most if not all of these situations were the men’s fault, except that one. i know i have obsessive thoughts (ocd) and sometimes they can last for months/years. so if she didn’t cheat and she knows the backstory what’s the problem with getting a paternity test? he would be wrong if he just went and got it himself though wouldn’t he. it’s nothing wrong with wanting to be 100 percent sure.

[@k4nd1incyb3rsp4c3]

if you've been "on and off" for a literal year why are you expecting a long term relationship out of this?1

[@Liipii123]

The second story scares me, to be honest. I've never really understood flirting, and I like to give people genuine compliments when I think they look nice. Now I'm scared that will be perceived as flirting 😭