I Used To Want Kids, But THIS Changed My Mind

[@roahir]

"You don't know what true love is until you get a child." "So... you and your parter don't love each other?"

[@WifeWithoutKids]

Exactly.

[@kelseycoca]

idk sounds like too much work, maybe I'd be better off not knowing true love lol

[@MisisH]

‘A child is not an extension of yourself’ - that hit me. I went to law school because it was my mom’s dream. It wasn’t mine. And being a good asian kid means you do whatever your parents tell you. Raising a human being is so complicated and a burden. It has good points I bet but for me, just looking at the cons cements my decision of not raising one.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

The pressures to have a baby can be strong. You are so right, it's important to look at the pros and cons.

[@preranabhatt7811]

As a fellow Asian kid , I relate. I don’t think I even lived my own life. I lived my parent’s version of my life.

[@sarahnelson8836]

Absolutely! Raising another human being is WORK and you have to be willing to get to know whatever unique individual (and their unique needs) shows up, if you aren’t there for that job 100% you really shouldn’t be a parent! I’m so glad people are starting to really be able to make that decision for themselves (and kinda scared the ability to make that choices is being taken away and threatened)

[@natural3362]

@@sarahnelson8836 true

[@lordofwarcrag]

I am absolutely disgusted when people ask CHILDREN how many kids they want when they grow up. They don't even know what sex is yet and are interrogated about these major life decisions. And ironically, a 5 year old saying they want 2 kids when they grow up is not unreasonable, while a fully grown adult saying they do not desire children is dismissed and treated as a confused individual that needs guidance.

[@walks_with_me]

The thought of someone being completely dependent on me, terrifies me! Hearing screaming kids at the supermarket grates on my nerves. I love that my house is tranquil. My house is a sanctuary from chaos and noise.

[@laundrybasket2689]

I feel exactly the same way!

[@WifeWithoutKids]

Kids are a big commitment for sure!

[@wv9459]

The ‘a child is not an extension of yourself, they are an individual’ is SO TRUE! Like WOW. If only parents would acknowledge that..

[@WifeWithoutKids]

It really is such a good point.

[@dontcheckmychannel5882]

Asian parents - i don't do that here

[@artemis2935]

I wish people who had kids were judged as harshly as child free people.

[@laundrybasket2689]

Me too! Ugh.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

We've learned to grow a thick skin!

[@natural3362]

Then let's judge people who selfishly choose to have kids

[@natural3362]

I realize having kids is selfish. Parents use their kids for their own selfish reasons. Childfree all the way to life

[@WifeWithoutKids]

Happily childfree! 🙌

[@natural3362]

@@WifeWithoutKids happy childfree life!

[@sarahnelson8836]

I will say not all parents become parents for selfish reasons, the reason I want to be a parent is I truly know that I want to and am capable of raising a well rounded human being, like my parents did. Yes part of it is my want to do the thing, but the other part is I know I can do it well, and raising the next generation well is an important job. A lot of people become parents based on the want alone and don’t look at their capacity first, and that is selfish. Especially people who have a set number they want tend to have that mind set. Personally I think capacity changes over time and start with one (or two if you have twins) and then reassess. But many people will be denied the choice to be parents or not… it really is very terrifying

[@natural3362]

@@sarahnelson8836 having kids is and will always be selfish. You imposed a life onto a thing that didn't ask it. Your children didn't ask to be born but why are they here? Because you want to. They will have to suffer death, growing old, heartbreak and so on as a consequence from your action. BUT Having kids is a normal selfish desire of a human. There is nothing wrong with being selfish . You do what makes you happy ☺. I wish you the best for your future children. THE ONLY WRONG THING about this selfishness is when you impose your belief onto others. Many people are denied from being childfree people. It's wrong! They are not selfish people who impose life onto others that didn't ask to be born. They are human being with other desires and they don't have the desire to have kids and that's totally fine.

[@sarahnelson8836]

@@natural3362 hmm I see what you are saying but I think it’s based on a different definition of selfish than what I hold. Not to be too philosophical but I love philosophy so …if selfish is acting on any want you have that impacts others in any way that is not positive (neutral or negative) then I’d agree with you. As part of the premise of my understanding though it’s important to note, I see being born as more a neutral thing, neither good nor bad (though of course I’m happy to be here 😅). Life is complicated and is full of joy as well as pain so I’d say it’s a neutral event ethically. Though of course opinions on this vary A LOT, since some people see having kids as the morally optimal choice which I agree is really toxic, but it’s toxic because it assumes a moral peak if you will and that’s not accurate for everyone. I believe in God, as many of these zealots do, but I don’t believe that God would create so many individuals and then not treat them equitably (rather than equally). But back to the topic at hand, if being born is neutral then I would say having children is not selfish (unless you knowingly bring them into a bad situation) since my definition of selfish defines it as “putting one’s wants over the needs of others”. This means to meet the criteria of selfishness an action has to both impact someone negatively AND be about the actors wants not their needs (which is definitely subjective to some degree). Importantly, this makes self defense is not selfish even though it directly harms the need of the attacker to have bodily safety because you are allowed to prioritize your needs over their. Of course you are free to disagree with this definition, but I’m curious as to if it is the definition of selfish which you define differently or that being born is neutral?

[@presidentamanda7468]

It’s probably a good idea to have some direct involvement with caring for children… fostering, working in childcare, babysitting… to really understand if the lifestyle of it works for you.

[@milcaerasmus7135]

If I had the opportunity to go back in time I would never get children, they are a burden, mentally, emotionally and financially. My life is on hold.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

I'm sorry you feel this way.

[@drsalka]

I am sorry you are experiencing this and thankful you were open and vulnerable enough to share it with us - I have a sense there’s many more parents like you, but who would never admit that’s how they actually feel about having kids. Thanks ❤

[@chadguindon6909]

I used to want children while I was growing up as a child, teenager and young adult. Once I reached my 30s, I became unsure about having children. By my mid 30s, I ultimately decided to go childfree because I realized that having children is selfish. Today at 40, I am more secure about my decision and I have zero regrets.

[@aichujohnson8444]

Responsible for a human-being for 15-20 years. ... that's an optimistic estimate. What if you're trying to raise a human-being and they just don't get how this life works? They live with you into their 40's if not longer. They're dead inside. They can't get their life together. Sometimes you get children that are not exactly "broken", but still not quite "right". Life is a box of chocolates. If you want chocolate, you'll most likely get chocolate. But it might not be the kind of chocolate you wanted. As comedian Doug Stanhope said: "You did that! You should be responsible for it your entire life."

[@WifeWithoutKids]

It's true. There's no real timeline to how long kids may need their parents.

[@nano.joe.4851]

with the rising costs of everything, having a child doesn't make financially sense for most people.

[@Melly16yr10]

Exactly

[@pgplaysvidya]

i can retire, or i can have kids (well i can't i'm snipped i mean hypothetically). when i put it that way, there's no question about why i chose to be CF

[@Ms12341984]

This is exactly what I say. Also, in the states... if you need financial assistance to get by... you shouldn’t have kids. I see so many families that praise having kids who are also on gov financial assistance meanwhile I (someone who is child free) gets taxed so much and ineligible for assistance if I ever wanted that extra money. It just doesn’t make sense financially for A LOT of people.

[@laundrybasket2689]

@@Ms12341984 Same here. In the USA the government rewards you $$$ if you have kids, especially if you’re a single mom. But if you’re responsible, single and struggling financially you are not eligible for anything. Only if you meet very specific criteria.

[@mimoza1989]

I have legs, but I don't like running, so I don't take part in matarons. It is easy for people to understand. I have healthy reproductive organs, but I don't want children. Somehow most people don't understand that. I like going to the cinema (not recommended during pregnancy due to loud noises). I like backpacking trips (not feasible with a small child). I like being alone (most moms don't even have 5 minutes of peace when sitting on the toilet). I like drawing, reading, swimming - these are time-consuming hobbies. I like order, peace and quiet. I get irritated when someone interrupts my thinking or asks stupid questions. Newborns scare me, preschoolers irritate me, teenagers piss me off. I would be an unhappy, frustrated, and hopeless mother. I would destroy my life and my child's life. For me, being a mother means giving up everything I like to do (and letting go of financial independence) and gaining a tremendous dose of what I hate. Who in their right mind would want this?

[@victoriawheeler5445]

I agree....I've never understood people who say they want children....my children add sooooooo much more unhappiness and oppression burden and worry to my life then happiness....

[@FigmentForever]

I’ve heard the phrase “You won’t ever know what true love is until you have a child!”. I’ve heard this so much. I’ve always countered with this: “Is it love or having the power of someone entirely dependent upon you?” It usually either stops the conversation or RARELY sparks a real back & forth conversation.

[@roxydee1452]

That phrase describes perfectly how I feel about my pet Tasmanian Devil... and the vast majority of people think I'm totally cray-cray! 😉

[@WifeWithoutKids]

Well said.

[@ARS-fn6px]

They say that and then turn around and complain about having to pay child support, abandon their kids and use their kids as (emotional) punching bags, I dont understand 🥴

[@FigmentForever]

@@WifeWithoutKids Thank you ❤️

[@FigmentForever]

@@ARS-fn6px exactly. It’s nonsensical

[@thebrightestrainbowever3841]

I have seen her childfree video. I relate a lot to her journey quite frankly. It wasn’t until my late twenties I was honest about my desire to be childfree. She makes such a good point about distinguishing the idea vs reality of having kids and being a parent. I feel as childfree people we truly get it. We put so much more thought. I love that. Why don’t people realize more seriously children are human beings and not to be messed with. Makes no sense to me. She makes such great points!💜🌈👏🏻

[@WifeWithoutKids]

She really did bring up so many good points!

[@vidhead85]

I hate when they say "It's different when it's your child" No...children act the same kinds of ways, the big difference is I'll feel guilt over calling him a bastard 3:03 After working in a child centric job, I always have one rule "Never take work home with you" So, no kids lol I can dress alike with my friends and family!

[@Super-yw7ss]

Having kid(s) is not only 18 years, it's a lifetime.

[@choosejoy93]

Wow.. this woman sounds almost EXACTLY like me. I wanted kids for a time...as a teen and it was very much the IDEA that I liked rather than the reality, something I had always avoided by never wanting to babysit or hold babies, etc. Just didn't dawn on me until adulthood 😂

[@kathykay9920]

When will we just be accepted for being childfree?

[@WifeWithoutKids]

It’s a work in progress. 🤞

[@candy11401]

I think its true what she said about childfree people really thinking about their choice and that nobody questions people about having kids

[@JaraTheCat]

Hey, I'm new here. I think the tv-show super nanny made not want kids. Almost every single family on that show had 3 to 5 kids. The parents couldn't raise their kids properly. In the worst scenario, they let their oldest kid at the age of 16 raise their younger siblings.

[@meluvfriends]

LOVE this video. I feel like all childfree by choice women, get told they are going to "change their mind". If you admit you at one point thought you might want to mother, you are seen as an absolute joke! I am an early childhood educator, and I love my job, but this lovely woman is so right! I adore kids, but I also LOVE my reckless life with my husband! And rescuing fur babies that dont like kids is an option for me, and something I really love to be able to do. I really loved this video 🥰

[@roxydee1452]

Lol, I'm 42 and got told that again just the other day!

[@WifeWithoutKids]

So glad you enjoyed it. I imagine almost every CF person is told “ you’ll change your mind.” It’s such an unnecessary comment to make.

[@candy11401]

I find that alot of people who work with kids don't want there own but people who work with Animals either really want their own but can't or have their own Interesting really and shows how much hard work and stress kids are

[@ThePrincina]

So this YT was pre-covid. But it was Covid that changed my mind. I saw how difficult my life got with just me. And then I watched my friends that did have children and I have no idea how they did it. That's when I knew, motherhood is NOT for me. I can barely make it with JUST ME. You want me to add the responsibility of a little person TO THAT??? Nope, not doing it.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

It’s so helpful to go through experiences that give us clarity!

[@noahbianchi1920]

The economic thing is real. I am almost 40, have a college degree and make a six figure salary. I am not able to afford the standard of living that my high school drop out uncle had at 25 years old. I sometimes resent my parents for having me when they should have known the economy was going to be much harder for the “average Joe.” Of course they didn’t know, in the mid 80’s things looked pretty good for the middle class. But I know that if I have children they will not have near the standard of living that I have and I will be apologizing to them for bringing them into a life of hardship because I wanted a fishing buddy.

[@m.alawski2348]

I, as well as others, always thought /said how good of a mother I would be, because I am naturally super loving, and fun. But after taking a closer look, the reason why I am always loving and happy is because I do an INSANE amount of self care that I started when I was much younger. I spend a ton of time alone to re-energize, and so when I do socialize I am in a good mood. As a young teenager, I started eating healthy, and exercising religiously to maintain my mood levels. I wasn't aware at the time I was doing this to keep my anxiety at bay. When I turned twenty, I suffered a pretty bad knee injury, and all of a sudden my routine was thrown off. I turned into an emotional wreck, and quickly realized that one of the only ways for me to be happy and loving is to follow a pretty strict routine/regime... with plenty of nourishment and exercise. If I had kids, my routine would DEFINITELY get thrown off, and unlike an injury that can heal....a child never goes away. I am twenty seven now and I am SO HAPPY I never accidentally had a child before I reached this age where I am certain I know I don't want one. I need an crazy amount of self care to be at the level that most neurotypical people are just naturally ... something won't be guaranteed if I were to have a child.

[@christins.1481]

I'm EXACTLY the same here. When I got married and moved I couldn't find work for 6 months and it was complete hell and stress for me. I actually started suffering from depression. 38 now. Everyone talks about how I'm always happy and they wish they could be as happy as I am. Well, I need a lot of "me time" to be happy for everyone else and I need a strict regimen to do so.

[@sburris65]

One of the big issues I don't think people ever give consideration to..is what happens if your child is disabled? I thought about that and one of the many reasons I don't want kids. Most of those marriages don't survive so it means your most likely a single mom with a disabled child. I have 2 friends in that situation. One was widowed fairly young. But she receives her husband's pension, he left her a large insurance policy due to his job, and she received a nice settlement from his accident. She was able to stay home and take care of him until recently when he turned 21. She has great insurance so she was able to move him into a home where he has indepence and a job and a roommate. Just like any parents. Her family also were there to help. And she has remarried. Another struggles. The father didn't stick around. Her dad and brother are there and her dad takes care of him during the day. But he is getting older. She doesn't have the insurance or finances to be able put him where he can be on his own. And shecsays she meets guys but no one wants a woman with disabled child. In that case you have to care for a child for the rest of their life. I respect people who do it. But it isn't something I wanted to risk.

[@sburris65]

@Jane Smith ..I have quote a few child free friends. None of them regret it. But I have more than 1 friend who regrets having kids. They claim its just harder than they understood. We got it. I don't know why they didnt

[@WifeWithoutKids]

It really is something to consider.

[@yolandasoto5794]

I brought this issue to my mother-in-law. I told her there is always a possibility of having a child with disabilities and I don’t want a life where I take care of a child my whole life. Her answer was “well if you don’t want it I will take care of it” 😳 Nope not happening.

[@mcc5295]

i aint EVER HAVING KIDS .

[@WifeWithoutKids]

00:00 intro 00:32 the one thing that changed my mind 01:38 this isn't what everyone wants 03:36 one of the biggest perks of CF life 04:32 the thing parents assume CF will want 06:39 i wonder how many people ask themselves this before having a baby 07:24 yikes 08:03 the big WHAT IF 09:45 when you haven't even figured out your... 10:45 the thing that just doesn't make sense

[@wormbag80]

I really like money and my freetime

[@odettewinter]

I’m loving the vids and having something to relate to. I’ve never felt a maternal instinct towards lil babies. I didn’t even like playing w baby dolls. I played with Polly Pockets, Barbies, toy animals, stuffed animals, and late 90’s CD-Rom computer games. 💖

[@williambhoe]

I have told my dad I want to have the "fatherrole" (looking out for someone, helping, etc) but not wanting to be a parent. I would also be afraight og beliveing enough in myself of being an actual father (24/7) So I totally agree, This lifestyle does not suit or fulfill everyone. I would be so greatfull to be fulfilled by completing other helpfull task and still be around children, that are not my own.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

There are so many ways to be involved in a child's life if that's fulfilling to you. ☝

[@Super-yw7ss]

As a Gen X, I'm over 49, child-free, I never thought about having kids I just followed my ambition then one day the child-free talk was going around, and now I feel I'm on the new generation wagon.

[@kerlivs.makeup2503]

i hate that "you don't know what love is" argument 🙄 maybe i have achieved the pinnacle of love with my partner and we're so fulfilled in our relationship, that we don't need to bring a child into our life because we're already COMPLETE and we don't feel like something is missing. ☺️🤯 *mikedrop* the person i said that to TOTALLY LOST IT!

[@laundrybasket2689]

I love that they “lost it” hahaha!

[@kerlivs.makeup2503]

@@laundrybasket2689 that's when you know you found a weak spot 😏

[@WifeWithoutKids]

You said it! 🙌

[@Affluent-Ghetto-Blackman]

the funny thing is people disown their kids all the time over simple things. Not following their religion or politics, being disabled, marrying outside their race, being gay. Like I don’t see this unconditional love people talk about with kids as soon as they form their own opinions parents get upset.

[@laundrybasket2689]

@@kerlivs.makeup2503 Yes, you hit a major trigger point! 😆

[@Super-yw7ss]

I wish more people who have kids, who love their kids as well, tell you the truth about having kids and recommend it or not.

[@nataliefontane]

People are surprised when I tell them that I've had two jobs in childcare. At age 19 I was a camp counselor, and at 22 I was a nanny part-time for only one semester of grad school. I realized I didn't want to be around kids anymore, which is why I only lasted a semester with that family.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

I was a camp counselor too… never again! 🤣

[@andreal5947]

Couldn’t agree more!

[@Melly16yr10]

for me in my current life stage having a kid would absolutely harm my income and life earnings. Also I can't financially afford one at the moment as to where I am in life right now.

[@WifeWithoutKids]

Finances are such a big factor for a lot of people. It's rough out there!

[@ppurabidash8659]

I want to be child free by choice but scared of being alone and lonely at old age. I dont want to help me physically but want to mentally support. Please suggest me something what to do

[@ilianaboheme]

I watched this video a long time ago and I felt so connected to her. My journey has been very similar. I always thought someday, until now. Now I know that being Childfree for my husband and I is our choice, that Childfree is another way of livivg your life to the fullest! That's why I love your videos Hanna. I'm learning so much! Thank you💕

[@WifeWithoutKids]

So glad to hear that. Sometimes this journey takes some twists and turns before we figure things out and that’s OK.

[@eissaalqourabah1764]

Hana, you're looking good. It seems you have been taking closer care on yourself. Congratulations. Keep moving forward.

[@MegaSillygurl123]

This is such a backwards compliment. Wtf?

[@laundrybasket2689]

@@MegaSillygurl123 That’s what I thought too. Wtf?

[@macanonsnow9325]

I used to want kids because I've been around a lot of family that seem happy together and I want to have the experience of my own, so I can teach, show love and care. Then I got talked down to have kids because I'm not good enough. Many heart breaks later, I ended up watching my dream of having a family burned to crisp... After I learned that children are expensive and pregnancy is a really painful process, along with my health being poor.... I changed my mind about it. Now people are pressuring me to being on the fence

[@WifeWithoutKids]

All the outside pressure and voices can be so confusing. This is your choice and you get to take as much time to figure it out as you want.

[@EsaPincheGringa]

Hey girl, I enjoy watching your videos. You should watch the video 'Matt Walsh dismantles the childfree movement' and react to it. He literally compares the term "child-free" to "gay-free," as in parents who are "free" of having gay children. Yeah, it's as whacked and ridiculous as it sounds 🙄🤯

[@liamodonovan6610]

You are awesome Hannah you are a beautiful intelligent you know what you want love you hannah you are totally right to be yourself a do what's best for you and your husband

[@WifeWithoutKids]

We can't live by the expectations that other people have for us. That never ends well. 😀

[@mariazitaxD]

Very good video, but the audio was a bit uncomfortable

[@ChristisGodAlmighty]

☺️