If I Don’t Punish My Kid, How Will They Learn?

Time-out. Dinner without dessert. No screen time. If you’re like most parents, you’ve reached your wit’s end and threatened your kid with one (or all!) of these consequences. Then the next day… they’re back to throwing blocks. How many times do you have to yell, “If you throw that block one more time, no ______!” What if we told you there was a better way? In this week’s episode, Dr. Becky explores the problem with consequences and how you can parent much more effectively without them. Don’t worry: This doesn’t mean letting your kid “get away” with challenging or dangerous behavior. It means embodying your authority, connecting to your child, and teaching them the life-long skills they need to manage big feelings. If you love the Good Inside approach and struggle with the idea of no consequences, one thing is true: This episode is for you.
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[@AS______________]

Heartfelt thanks! For a while now, I have been wrestling with the train of thought suggesting that consequences given must be appropriate to actions taken. In processing the insight as offered by Dr. Kennedy, I realise that her outlook does, in fact, include consequence, but in a natural, healthy manner - when we teach kids these skills and support them in becoming aware of and understanding what is happening inside of them, and validating what they may be feeling, they will inevitably become more tuned in to what they are feeling themselves, having made a wise or unwise decision. When we teach them empathy and self-regulation, the consequence will be what they may be feeling before, during and after taking an action, and where others are involved, seeing how their action may have impacted them and their environment too. It is a natural part of life. They will be more aware of and care more about the decisions that they make. Isn't that, whether positive or negative as far as the choices they make in the process, adequate consequence, and doesn't it feel much more natural and positive than us, as parents, enforcing additional consequences while potentially missing out on connecting with our children in a more meaningful way? Plus, in all probability, our kids are bound to feel really good about themselves and our relationship in general too. I find it an empowering approach for both child, AND parent. Feeling grateful :))

[@AnRodz]

I simply love her approach. I think it is the correct understanding and rationale toward raising successful human beings.

[@Shelb13v]

Great because in life there's no punishment or consequences for any wrong doing so of course we need to teach children that lie so they can grow up derranged and constantly trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with them...

[@clairedevlin2125]

Hi Dr Becky, I love your podcast, thank you for creating them. I have a deeply feeling 4 year old who struggles to regulate and screams, and I mean screams! We've practiced breathing, all the techniques you would think would help and these trigger her more. I've looked at your class but this is something I cannot afford. What would you recommend to support me and my deeply feeling child to connect in these moments? I recognise I am triggered, I to was a deeply feeling child ignored and suppressed and I hope to support my child to feel and mange her emotions. Unfortunately, when she screams and hit I will shutdown when stressed/tired. Do you have any advice to support us to connect and learn? Thank you and best wishes to you.

[@Joelina456]

this is so helpful! Even as an adult int he sense of reparenting yourself and changing how you few fellow adults (at work, in friendships). Thank you 🙂

[@soanethuyzers2722]

On the remote situation _this is definitely a screentime issue & the effects the screentime has on each individual child … there is a lot of research, Hubeman touches greatly on this, Dr Debbie also has a interview with him. So the principal can still be applied as she explains just _ the child should not be exposed to the screen !!! Even 9min of screen time can have this overstimulating effect

[@StuartKeller]

Hi, I like your ideas when it comes to just removing the item that a kid is struggling with. Such as the remote controller. However I’m struggling to figure out how to apply this to items you can’t just take away such as clothes. I mean if my kid refuses to actually their clothes away, how do I take the clothes away that they actually need? Clothes, or food, etc compared to something like a remote control which isn’t an actual need. The only thing that has actually come out of my mind and mouth is to say “if you don’t pick up and, or put your clothes away, I will give them away to someone who actually cares about them!” Or I will use the phrase “fine then they’re going in the trash!” Something to that effect. If you happen to see this, or even have time more clarification on removing obstacles that have to do with needs and not just other items not needed in every day life that would be much more helpful! Thank you.

[@minvelseskanal876]

What a strange approach to the remote- question from Max. Did it never occur to you that the child needs attention rather than holding on to the remotecontrol?

[@aigulsuh]

It's great that he's reaching out to Doctor Becky to get insights into his child's behavior and willingness to change. Not everyone thinks like you, after all.

[@ambrychester]

I agree she totally missed this callers question. Screen time is highly addictive and the drop in dopamine after screen time makes lots of kids and adults cranky! The child cannot control himself after screen time so just putting the remote out of reach is a rediculous solution. He will still act out and be angry! A better angle is two weeks screen detox and see if attitudes improve and go from there. Some kids can’t have any screen time and self regulate afterwards.

[@nicolepantopoulos5479]

Hi! Such an interesting approach. Sounded off but hearing the backing it does make sense. Teaching The whole person… I have an ABA background whereby the trigger is noted but the consequence is more what determines the future frequency of a behavior. Your approach suggests the trigger for the behavior is actually something more effective to focus on, very comforting actually. This may be very hard with those with challenging intellectual abilities, but I will try to incorporate this idea!

[@amyfrancis9423]

Hi Dr. Becky. I wondered if I could ask your advice about something. I have two daughters, Alyssa (age 15) and Julia (age 10). Julia is constantly upset because she feels that I yell at her more and only punish her. Alyssa instigates things like any other teenager, but Julia is always defensive. She seems to be jealous of her sister, as Alyssa goes to the mall, Target or Starbuck's all the time. She doesn't seem to understand that if Alyssa has her own money, she is mostly using that. I cannot keep buying everything Julia wants. I know I yell at Julia often but feel that she is often disrespectful of Alyssa and myself. However, if it is her dad, she is of course different with him and more or less listens to him, especially when it comes to screens. I fear the random use of screens has created an unhappy child too. I try to limit screen time, but Julia never seems content unless it is on a screen, having a playdate (this does not happen every weekend) or shopping. How do I create rules and boundaries with each age, especially when it comes to screens and shopping? Thank you so much.