Infidelity and the Midlife Crisis

[@martyedwards1531]

My husband left after 25 years. He's 55 and has all the signs of mid life crisis, though not an excuse for his behavior.. He blames me for his leaving, I'm toxic, etc.... and his new "friend" & his family are enabling his victim hood. I'm not saying I didn't contribute to our problems, but he is not a victim. And I know she only hears his side, but it really makes me frustrated. I have forgiven him for multiple affairs and we have had counseling and now everything is my fault and he just gave up and walked away. He wasn't man enough to talk to me about his issues, he just threw me away. I feel like an old dog that's been dumped on the side of the road, no longer cared for. My wish would have been to get help if I had seen this coming. May be too late now. Praying God to speak to his heart and not give up on us.

[@KS-vv3hn]

Not a crisis, an excuse for sin. An excuse for selfishness.

[@nikkiallen1500]

Exactly

[@lmfisher650]

💯 %

[@ivydune4185]

If you have an affair for one or two night stands, you can use the "it was a midlife crisis" (not that is acceptable). But if you keep the affair longer than a month...you're just a selfish coward who wants to have the maid at home and the fresh meat outside. A guy that cheats on his wife for a year had plenty of time to reflect about his life, his choices and to make a decision. One or the other. The other thing is that they always want to go back to the age they were free or happy for the last time. If you had a child at 25, now you're 50, you want to date a 25 year old girl that makes you feel again like 25, before having the child/responsibilty.

[@deborahlee6240]

It's very rare for someone to make it through a mid life crisis without having an affair because the affair partner is merely a symptom of what is wrong with the person in crisis. The affair partner also is someone who is just as broken if not more than the person in crisis. No one with self respect uses someone like they do. The affair is more like an addiction to how that person is making them feel. It has nothing to do with what real love is. Depression is also felt through out the whole crisis. How long it last will be totally up to the person going through.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thanks for commenting and watching Deborah.

[@ladyguen2003]

My husband told me exactly what you said: It was and addiction to how the AP made him feel. He told me after his 2 1/2 year affair he looked at her one day and thought to himself....what am I doing? I don’t want this.

[@MH-wm6df]

Wow. Perfect

[@jojo.s.4383]

How long took your husband midlife crisis, please? My husband has for more than 2 years and he still wants to move out

[@ladyguen2003]

Monika s my husband never wanted to move out. I left him for 5 years. I needed to do a lot of self healing. We kept in touch during those five years. One weekend he drove the 400 miles to visit. I realized how much I still loved him so we ended up deciding to make this work. He was hoping the whole time I would forgive him. We are moving forward with many talks and being 100 percent open and honest with each other.

[@evej865]

I know he will do it again (unless he gets help) although he really doesn't want to. I am no longer jealous. I feel sorry for him, it's actually very pitiful. I have found a counsellor and he either must go or I'm gone. It is self preservation.

[@rhdtv2002]

Plenty of people I know who have had an affair never have gone again through that route. That mentality that you read once a cheater always a cheater has always been a percentage not a universal truth. In other words it’s not true and each person is different than the other. This doesn’t invalidate what you said but what it does it gives you another option to look at.

[@tree3424]

I've listened to your videos, read everything I can find on how to approach my husband when I have a question. The conversation always ends with him getting angry and throwing the blame on me for his affair. This last time ended with me getting cussed at, yelled at accused of being to blame. I asked would he seek help with me. NO, he said. I asked don't you think our marriage is worth saving? The next words out of his mouth were the kill shot. He said I'm starting to believe it's not. I have a strong reason to believe he is still seeing his A.P. I can't heal and it's worse now than ever. Later he claimed not to remember saying that and said I was making it up. It's a very cruel thing to say and I give up. There's too much coldness in his heart. 42 years and he doesn't care. I'm heartbroken more than before. I'm so very broken and paralyzed with grief.

[@svenbrailey6374]

tree What you describe sounds so much like my situation of a 32 year marriage except that she’s cheating not me. If you wanna chat and compare notes let me know I’d love to chat. Very sorry for your situation

[@phabeondominguez5971]

@@svenbrailey6374 it's been a year, how are you doin? What you and your wife status these days?

[@RememberTheLord]

How are you today?

[@thinkingkingdommedia8688]

We’ve both had affairs and I would like you to speak on how difficult it is for both spouses to work through recovery. Your videos have brought us to through to ground zero at least and we’re building and are both committed to restoration. We’re 6 months past D day.

[@samshealingpodcast]

so glad you're here on the site and so glad you're progressing. take it slow and one step at a time. you'll need to do some expert third party work though. I would look at our bootcamp asap my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp

[@charleshurstreinvention3959]

The infidelity is just a backlash for what is lacking from within. My topic for my own subscribers this week. So maybe you're at midlife, maybe younger or even mid twenties and you feel you didn't get what you wanted. You look at someone like Stephen King and suddenly you feel poorly about yourself. Don't. Two mindsets to take here. First, most people don't get everything they wanted--they may get a lot, but not everything. Most talented actors or other artists won't make the big screen. But you evaluate what you did get. Maybe family, maybe you did get to that suburb or maybe your job is getting to help people. But maybe that didn't get you to the Bill Gates level. So what? Everyone has there own path to walk. And guess what, Bill Gates and King didn't get everything either. Stephen King has trouble walking because he got run down by a truck decades ago. See? Second point. There is still time. There are many things I can't do now due to age. Can't join the Marines or become an FBI agent. Can't try again at pro thai kickboxing. But I can travel. I can hike. I can see the world. I can keep writing books and keep plugging that vlog. What is left greatly outnumbers what I didn't get and now can't get. That is the take home point--at thirty, at eighty. Hope this helps someone out there---Charles.

[@phabeondominguez5971]

What if the betrayal was jus an EA, and did not turn physical, but she fell in love with him nonetheless.. how in honesty can the betrayed move past all that... That's what I don't see addressed anywhere...

[@amandaboyer937]

We are almost 1 year in from Dday I have questioned midlife crisis or something else. I have considered divorce but keep telling myself "midlife crisis" we are in our late 30's and have been together for almost 22 years! He keeps saying he wants to work things out.but refuses to give up his affair partner. He says he needs a "clean break" in order to leave her. He has often mentioned "midlife crisis " as a reason or excuse for the affair.

[@nikkiallen1500]

Suzee2 “But it’s mine” no, don’t agree. Your marriage is not just yours. It is both you & your husband’s. Transparency has to be to have truth. Truth in marriage builds trust. I hope you can have this bond. And begin healing and loving each other.

[@gamingwithchildren6401]

You described my unfaithful husband exactly, except he's still in the middle of it and refuses to consider what his actions did to me and his children. He says he's doing it "his way", with no professional help, no full disclosure (he still works with his affair partner and refuses to change jobs) yet tells me I should "watch" and see his improvement. After almost a year of trying to draw boundaries, being willing to go to counseling, etc., I finally said enough and I'm moving on. I feel bad for him, because his world is imploding around him and he is incapable of taking any action to change it.

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so sorry. he has the capability, but it appears he won't humble himself to actually do what it takes. pride kills us slowly. pride alienates us and keeps us alone. we try and white knuckle it, but it never works my friend. not for the long term at all. i'm so sorry for your pain. i'm glad you're here.

[@samshealingpodcast]

so glad you're a fan. thank you for sharing and watching.

[@lakelady7793]

Husband had affair after 22 yrs of marriage. He was my first and only love. Struggling to forgive one year out. My kids and I were abandoned for 6 months, he proposed to AF and I was dismissed from clinical rotation 2 wks b4 graduation. I’m not sure than I can find the forgiveness to reconcile. How much time should I allow before deciding there’s “too much water under the bridge”?

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi jennifer, everyone and every situation is different and obviously you have some nuances there to work through. i'm sorry for the pain you're in. that's tough for sure. remember, forgiveness is for you and your own freedom though. he doesn't deserve it, but it's not for him it's for your own healing and setting yourself free. so it varies and it's a progressive thing. it will take as long as people allow it to take. are you reading books, doing any recovery work, therapist, harboring hope on our site, etc? what recovery work are you doing? it takes a process for sure to get to forgiveness, and evn then, there are stages to it if you will.

[@messforever9979]

It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s a choice that one chooses regardless of what goes on in their lives.

[@robinpiccard4738]

I know my spouse had an emotional affair and probably physical as well. He wont disclose to me fully. He did then retracted his story. He continues contact with her and its breaking my heart. I believe it's a midlife crisis affair. I'm not sure what to do??

[@JB-yg8fy]

I’m in the same boat with you. I moved out of our bedroom this weekend, and I’ve decided to live my life on my terms since he’s too lazy to get the help he needs. I will no longer allow him to disrespect me. I’m tired of finding out about the ex’s he still wants to remain “friends” with, and furthermore, I’m tired of him saying I’m jealous and insecure about those relationships when I discover he still carries on with them. I’m starting a new healthy life that includes starting Zumba and yoga. I’m doing more things with my 15 year old son (thank God he still likes to hang out with me), and I’m just going to continue therapy to be in a journey of getting my self love back. I have absolutely no one to talk to, and I’m not sure if you do or not but if you need someone to talk to I’m hear. I think that helps too. But in all this is my way of healing.

[@inserter400]

i feel your pain

[@svenbrailey6374]

J B if you still want to chat I’d love to chat with you. I’m going thru similar with my wife cheating on me

[@alexislost4739]

On the same boat unfortunately it’s been 2 mo since I moved out.. caught the affair didn’t want to drop him and now I don’t even know if she’ll ever be back, only been together for 8 years. Hurts too see everything we had go down the drain. Wondering if she’ll ever snap out of it 😔

[@ericamo.2166]

Thank you for the insight!

[@dans9463]

My latest crisis is missing my midlife crisis.

[@allaboutsmilen]

Hi Samuel, how do we personally get in touch with you for help?

[@jessicaramos25]

I have a question, what if you have told your partner you were unfaithful and certain specifics but they don’t want to know anymore. Can you heal if your spouse feels they do not need to know more that it only hinders their healing?

[@ladylove34]

My spouse and I just did the free online bootcamp. In it, Rick says to let the betrayed decide how much they want to know. I recommend checking that out. Good luck!

[@bibiroberts3246]

I left my marriage due to my husbands multiple affairs. It is nearly 3 years. I still deal with everything. So as u say, it is quite possible he might go back to his last lover. They work together. She was probably the one he actually fell for.

[@jojo.s.4383]

How long it takes a midlife crisis?

[@svenbrailey6374]

Monika s For women it’s two to five years says some articles I’ve read

[@akstylez_ak5037]

This was such a great insight

[@laurie5353]

When you talk about expert help for the unfaithful is needed to heal..... What do you mean by that? I have read some articles and watched some of your videos dealing with being cautious of marriage counselors as they may not have saving the marriage as a goal. Some of the things that were said in our sessions were exactly the red flags in the articles and videos that I saw. This is very scary. Who can we trust with our lives? I know we can not do it alone.

[@samshealingpodcast]

those who have treated infidelity for 10 plus years and have been through it before personally if possible. have you looked at our programs as they are led by experts? here is our ems virtual weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend it's about safe people who won't tell you to end the marriage or stay, but help you reason through it with expert insight and care for you and for your spouse. who understand the nuances to infidelity and don't lead you down a road that's going to add to the trouble. i hope all that makes sense and helps.

[@RememberTheLord]

Did you figure it out? Hoping you’ll reply and give insight on what worked if anything

[@trinideetalks]

I was the unfaithful spouse, & we've been separated for 3 months. We've barely had any communication since then. I've been struggling with the hurt I've caused her & with not communicating with her. I was frustrated about things they were not going right in my life which made me interact with other women as a sense of comfort or ego booster so to speak. I recently had a relapse, but I was immediately remorseful for it. I love my wife more than anything.

[@babydoll6785]

I still love my husband but not sure if he will come home

[@chelseashamim9148]

You love him but does he love you?

[@aprilmurray1080]

@ 9:49, you said deceived describing the unfaithfuls. Who deceived them?

[@mifasola1]

I am a widowed woman of 64 and began an affair with my married medical professional. We went on to have a torrid, passionate relationship and I decided to end it because I knew it was dead end. He, 66 Years old was already having issues in his marriage of 24 years. He was badgered by his wife to go to counseling so knowing that, I ended it soon afterward because there was no way he could carry on with me and work on his problems. I broke my own heart by getting involved knowing it would end this way. I went into counseling myself and will need to work on how to stay away from bad relationships.

[@aprilmurray1080]

mi fa so la : with all due respect but please don’t say the wife “badgered” her husband to go to counseling. She has every right to strongly encourage HER husband to attend counseling. HE NEEDS TO GO, period.

[@evej865]

If it wasn't for the other woman our husbands would not be cheating. How are we supposed to get our husbands to get help? Anything we say is called "badgering". Should I not ask him to get help and just watch him suffer? DATE SINGLE MEN, IT ISN'T HARD.

[@kerrymillar1267]

@@evej865this is so true “badgering” implies the poor wife didn’t have a right to try and save her own marriage, so entitled.

[@roystonkein3158]

I’m not sure you can help or want to help me, as I was in a same sex relationship for 18 years, we recently broke up due to me being insecure & having anger management issues for many years, I didn’t realise I was emotionally abusing my partner, but I can now see I was. It all came out after we broke up that he was having an affair with a 25 year old guy... half my age... it didn’t last, but they have remained friends & even though my ex swears nothing is going on, the younger guy has moved into my old home with my ex as a house mate! My ex & I are trying to work things out, but I have so many doubts, as my ex seems to think my problems were the reason he cheated on me in the first place!

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm so sorry Royston. are you doing anything to work on the relationship? what are you doing for your own healing? i know it's a tough walk and i'm sorry but you can make it through.

[@bethzeller7108]

I want people opinions on.... what if was a relashionship of extreme domestic violence, im talking i had a tooth punched out, almost attacked while pregnant, revictimized for trying to call the police that time by his mother, she blamed me said i almost ruined his life. I highly believe my multiple sclerosis may be from extreme abuse.... she and him made me clean her cat hoarding. When i cheated, a fog lifted and i no longer felt so alone and terrified and ganged up on.... i am still confused because i heard this one expert on affairs say, the victim of a affair is not always the victim of the marriage and i feel like that is me....

[@kerrymillar1267]

It sounds like you were being abused and sought solace and comfort. I hope you’re out of that marriage now.

[@casualjules1]

You said that you speak from personal experience. Did you have a relapse with your affair partner after D-Day?

[@samshealingpodcast]

nope. i did have a relapse with relapse behaviors like self sufficiency, as well as getting away from the recovery methods I held so dear early on. i was resting in things just being OK and it started to make samantha feel very insecure as i was getting away from our principles.

[@lisechambers2139]

I’m in it now but he won’t give full disclosure. It’s all my fault, he has.

[@strengthenyourcorebymeliss9916]

We live in such a fallen world and Men blame women.

[@efthimios]

Never cheated on my wife but my wife at 47 had affair and has fallen for affair partner - is its point she’s so hurtful and unbearable. She blames me Says I wasted her life - high school Sweetheart we only have one child and she resents me for it

[@svenbrailey6374]

Herakles same here bro sorry

[@joecrocket7873]

Same here guys she projects her guilt onto you

[@kerrymillar1267]

Look up limerence, when people are in it they say awful things about the spouse/ partner.

[@georgettecross4149]

My man hit his 40' s and he Deffinatly hit a mid life crises.It had us split up for 5 yrs and so far 3 MNTHS .I want him back in my life how do I trust him after the Infedelity.

[@georgettecross4149]

Sorry about my miss spells It is the spell check.

[@heathercj8862]

My husband was 43 when he cheated. He has moved in with this woman. She has already met my mother in law and brother in law. He is still legally married to me. He left me and my kids high and dry. I battle depression from all the anger he bestowed on me through our years. He left like a thief in the night and is completly in full love with another woman. I feel your pain...

[@heathercj8862]

move on dont take him back. That door is closed. Even if you have to pretend your in relationship with someone else do it. He gets a kick out of seeing you want him. Its a power trip men have on us. Dont do it. Get life together. Take some classes tp better yourself for a new man

[@suzee2]

Nobody talks about not telling your spouse you cheated. It would break him after 45 years of each being faithful. We met at 16...I didn’t stray until 64! I bear this pain myself. It’s a secret and a deep hurt but it’s mine. I caused it. Yes, I was angry at him...but please don’t assume all betrayed spouses know. And for me, my best friend can’t help me. He will never know. I bear this burden-it is too awful to share.

[@efthimios]

Interesting I was with my wife since 16, we have a daughter - we had some Arguments and she had affair - and she tells me she doesn’t feel bad and didn’t do anytitn wrong - I don’t know how she can be so hurtful - now I’m trying to love her and forgive her and save our fsmily -

[@paulwilliams7700]

These choices are made for selfish reasons. You even say you were angry with him. To hand out the deepest hurt you can ever deliver is a terrible consequence. I don't know how you bear the guilt tbh. No one ever deserves this treatment.