Why MEN have MIDLIFE CRISES: you have to practice being selfish

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The stereotypical midlife crisis looks like a man leaving his wife and kids, buying a sports car, and shacking up with a younger lover. What causes this phenomenon? And why does it mostly seem to impact men? In this episode, I argue that the men most at risk for midlife crises are the rule-following and duty-conscious sort, who have spent most of their conscious lives acting responsibly. To avoid this outcome, it's important for men to practice what I call "creative selfishness," and to enjoy the fruits of their labor along the way.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #men #mentalhealth

[@psychacks]

The stereotypical midlife crisis looks like a man leaving his wife and kids, buying a sports car, and shacking up with a younger lover. What causes this phenomenon? And why does it mostly seem to impact men? In this episode, I argue that the men most at risk for midlife crises are the rule-following and duty-conscious sort, who have spent most of their conscious lives acting responsibly. To avoid this outcome, it's important for men to practice what I call "creative selfishness," and to enjoy the fruits of their labor along the way. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jaO7c62HZ613e7M Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzbin.info/door/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #men #mentalhealth

[@ronaldchagoury-africainves968]

I call it mid life awakening for men, and mid life crisis for women

[@jim-se5xc]

So good. One of your best.

[@jim-se5xc]

The psychologist Robert A. Johnson was recalling a time when he was ten. 'My mother brought me to buy some new clothes. The shopkeeper asked me what I would like. 'White shirt, black pants and black shoes,' I said. The shop keeper looked to my mother and said, 'Careful, or he'll be wearing roaring red at forty.'

[@t28mcd]

I guess you just eventually get sick of working your ass off but having no fun and decide to enjoy yourself a little while you can!

[@ZelenoJabko]

Ryan Terraband, can you please tell me how to prevent mid life crisis as a man at 30 currently?

[@theharshtruth8563]

My midlife crisis happened at 31 when my fiancée demanded I abandon my hobbies and "grow up" even though she had a 90k student loan for Art & women's history 101 classes. I then dumped her, pursued my hobbies and transformed them into a business. That was almost 25 years ago and now my mortgage is paid off and I'm still running a business that originally was a hobby. My mid life crisis was the warning bell that saved me from wasting my life pleasing others' expectations of me. BTW, my ex is still paying off that student loan 25 years later.

[@manikyum]

25 years to pay of 90k?!!

[@hipsonsogbo]

Boss move. Well done. We need more men to realise this.

[@theharshtruth8563]

@@manikyum She has had minimum wage jobs all her life. Can't make use of a "woman's studies" degree anywhere.

[@Jigbunu]

Congrats bro! A bullet well dodged. That’s why I can’t stand people like Dave Ramsey talking people into marrying themselves into paying someone else’s debt

[@dinsel9691]

​@manikyum if you pay 90k in 25 years... you probably still owe another 100k due to insane interest that comes with student loans

[@mrx0088]

Some women do something similar when their children are grown and they find themselves living with a boring man who was chosen because he was a reliable provider.

[@stevegaines-vq3bd]

she's really board w/ herself...but blames that on the man......somehow, her happieness is his responasiblity......

[@Eclipse21392]

@@mrx0088 well said! I feel like that provider right now and that’s about all I am it feels like.

[@DivineLogos]

Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.' - Carl Jung

[@ryu_street_fighter561]

Yeah, but you’re now 40, single and lonely and locked into a job you don’t like. There are no best options at this point in life, only trade offs. Enjoy the decline.

[@8bitneslife1985]

Edgelord has entered the chat! (This is why I only play as Ken.)@@ryu_street_fighter561

[@Bc-ow1ir]

The sick joy I get from this reply, knowing it will all be over soon

[@TheMichaelK]

@@ryu_street_fighter561Who says that? By age 40 you could have built up quiet some resources.

[@SATANTHEGREATx]

@@ryu_street_fighter561 you’re just a loser.

[@MsLilflyer]

If this guy has worked so hard his whole life that he made so much money even after losing half to his divorce and child support still has enough money to support himself a lavish life style with expensive cars and young women, good for him! He has earned his midlife crisis!🎉

[@StrongBodyandMind33]

Well said 😂

[@duncaioanaiulia2367]

And the woman must continue raising children... alone... If the man have money... then go in a fucking vacation with the children to see a museum...

[@StrongBodyandMind33]

@@duncaioanaiulia2367 if she’s a keeper he won’t leave

[@JP-qb3ny]

The smarts ones don’t get married or move outside the west if they decide to get married.

[@IgnacioDure]

great to have a women looking as something good... most men when we are teenagers look at this things like living the life... is almost every mens dreams... changes by men to me but is a reward from middle age to do things that you never be alowed because you are broke and a kid, most of the things are the same as women in her 20s... living the life with rich handsome dudes. is like putting your money and your status to the service of wasting the money, in thing that you always love and get the girl you will always want... feeling the reward of your working life...

[@ismaelhall3990]

There is no shame in being selfish guys. As long as you aren't hurting anyone you did nothing wrong.

[@funmilayoaina2658]

A midlife crisis should not be the cause of your divorce

[@cmdrTremyss]

That's the thing of selfishness. You are always hurting other peoples with it. At least for some degree. But it's ok.

[@hubertcumberdale2651]

You need to take care of your own needs, including spiritual needs, before you can help others anyway.

[@Memorax]

Not really, if youre in a relationship make it a point from the get go that it is built on mutual respect and support. Set boundaries and communicate. Make it clear what your needs are and that they deserve to be met and discuss with your partner how, same for theirs. The problem is that most couples dont talk and bottle up resentment and then explode on their partner instead of thinking ahead. Both have to play their part but that comes down to selecting a good partner and not the first person that comes along just to not have to be alone. Hurt comes from shattered expectations not from knowing and saying what you want out of your life and your relationship

[@manifest2203]

@@cmdrTremyss exactly. Women file for divorce for being true to themselves.

[@zoraster3749]

My midlife “awakening” manifested as me taking 4 vacations a year, returning phone calls once a week, checking email once a day, and never taking a meeting before 10am or after 3pm. The funny thing is, despite me pulling back and limiting my availability, my performance and reputation has only increased. Scarcity increases value and not always being available for every little thing has actually cut back on the amount of trivial nonsense that used to make it’s way to me.

[@guymontag6382]

Awesome. Well done bro.

[@michaelbradley6004]

Well done. And thank you for your comment.

[@slaytanic921]

BINGO

[@kenlewis2253]

“Scarcity increases value” only applies to when you’ve earned the attention of others. A 22 years old with no work history is hardly going to find a competitive edge by being available less. No one would know or care.

[@jojosaves]

100%. I work a third, and make triple.

[@caitlin8628]

My dad had a midlife crisis, he always was a people pleaser. Never said anything. He left my mom for a woman a couple years older than me. It was hard for us, but we accepted it. Even my mom forgave him and they were still civil. Then, my dad got sick, and his new wife divorced him. We all take care of him now, including my mom, who still loves him and still calls him her best friend.

[@joshuaborem7063]

I’m 44 and recently bought a Dodge Viper and I’ve had a few people comment about mid life crisis. I respond “mid life yes, crisis NO. Just enjoying life”

[@radoslavtoth391]

good for you, Viper is super car

[@ahmadsaab5217]

King shit ngl 👑

[@andrasbiro3007]

I bought a Tesla Model S. Far more practical, and beats the Viper off the line. I guess I'm a responsible rebel.

[@max224422]

This is probably one of the most accurate, meaningful, and personal videos that I’ve watched in years. Thank you Orion. Your work is prescient and apropos.

[@MorgMorg-uf6ps]

The friend zone is the best zone. Never got married, no kids ni attachements. Had a spiritual awakening at 40 and never looked back. There are some things you have to do alone without any outside influence. Marriage is contractual/conditional...unlikely for someone to expande their consciousness unconditionally in a relationship and with children, pressures to be responsible for others always needing more money to filfull your obligations. Its an inside job. First 40 years of life is just learning what you do and dont want so that you can create a better life. Some people dont learn and get attached to things that hold them back. Thats when they have a crises (psychological) cognitive dissonance. A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.

[@hipsonsogbo]

These comments are well written, good to see intelligent thoughtful comments that I have thought about myself. We are not alone in having these revelations about conformity. I’m not against it I just think very few people get it to work.

[@steveburke7675]

Only married men have mid-life crises. After decades of being a walking ATM on an industrial scale, the kids finally leave the nest...what you are left with is a LOT of questions...such as...who exactly is this person sitting across the dining room table from me? Buying the new convertible is only a temporary distraction from the questioning.

[@______9322]

No. I was not married. I was a monk, and I had a midlife crisis. It was the most horrible experience of my life. Now, 11 years after, I have a girlfriend. She was a nun. We are having a wonderful time.

[@stevenscott2136]

You only HEAR ABOUT the crises of married men, because the emphasis is always on how he should shut up and give his wife more money. No one pays any attention to us single men, because we were dismissed as lost causes long ago.

[@brinjal1371]

Be happy at least kids have left the nest instead of still being in position to provide for them. In India kids never leave.

[@che4840]

@@stevenscott2136yeah, its misguided to think only married men have midlife crisis’. Everyone has something they are trying to run from or cope with, its not easy to go after what we really want and will be deeply fulfilled by in life.

[@che4840]

Honestly just sounds more like a marriage barely holding together because neither party really spent the time being updated on the growth the other person has gone through. People change over time, and we’ll constantly need to get to know who we’re married to or are with. Just because someone isn’t married to their significant other doesn’t make that process any less significant. Marriage just makes the stakes higher because divorce will financially break someone.

[@slashf]

I channeled my midlife crisis into taking a realistic look at my career and prospects for improvement and acknowledging I was going nowhere with it. I then went back to graduate school, got a master's degree, and finally landed a career I actually enjoyed most of the time, paid decently, and has potential for continuing advancement. Possibly the best decision I made for myself, my marriage, and my family in the past decade.

[@markmaz-sk7su]

Wow, this is amazing. Funny thing is I can relate to it totally. I am 30 and did well career wise but now I see that everyone is enjoying what I have built except ME and this is building resentment against my family members. I haven't taken any high impact action yet, but I am thinking about it daily. Nice work.

[@PaulRMaxfield]

Be careful what high-impact action you take. It will change your life for better or worse. Most marriages are savable and most people love their children. The fancy car thing on the other hand, unless you have cash, creates a debt hole that takes years to climb out. There was some time that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I persisted with faith anyway. Any choice you make now will hurt...a lot. Take your time to make sure that you make the right choices. You can do it. You've got this.

[@DistinctMale]

@@PaulRMaxfield that’s awesome advice! Thanks!

[@Lenny2012S]

One more factor: Kids go their own way and it ends man's responsibility to raise his kids. If this responsibility was the only thing keeping man in the family while taken by his wife for granted...

[@aldorodriguez7310]

I’m so glad there are male therapists like you providing guidance to my demographic.

[@kitsune735]

Completely relatable. I was around 36 when I started to look at my life and notice I was deeply unhappy. I owned my own home, great kids, everyone was happy, we had plenty of money, no debt, good friends and I put it aside because I felt ungrateful for feeling that way. At 38 I began to want to branch off from responsibilities I had accepted for so long and start to engage in activities that I like, this put some responsibility of my than wife who wasn't used to having to have responsibilities and she fought back. I ended up leaving her, I never bought the nice car but I am travelling around the world with my late 20s girlfriend. I have no regrets.

[@manifest2203]

Yes older men should do what they want. If they leave, that becomes even better for older women. Older women can date younger men for s3x without spending any money. Most older women lose attraction for older men and don’t even want to sleep with them anymore because older men have issues with virility and performance. Younger men are better. And older women who want relationships have options in older men. Many older men want older women for their domestic life skills to run his home and be with him. But even feminine presence and companionship is valuable even if women those older women don’t do any work. That is why men like Jeff Bezos or King Charles who have money to hire endless help married older women with children from previous marriages. The ex husband leaving frees up their time so much after raising kids and being the caregiver of the family. That is why many older women remain single. It’s very freeing. Whether the ex husband was rich or poor, these older women are lucky because they don’t have to be the ones who give more caregiving for him. And younger women will eventually want more fertile, virile men. Older men who have money can hire help and then go to old age homes. Everyone wins.

[@Vapourwear]

@@manifest2203 This is like...3.6/10 trolling at best.

[@DebraJohnson]

How did your wife have no responsibilities if you have kids? Who is caring for the kids now?

[@kitsune735]

@@DebraJohnson It's like any other partner who doesn't take responsibility in marriages. For example, I had to choose a job that started late enough to allow me to drop off the kids in the morning but ended early enough that I could pick them up before day care closes. My ex did pickup the kids sometimes, but it was her choice. If she chose not to because she was out with friends or something than it fell on me to be responsible. As an example, she went on vacation with friends for a few weeks. It didn't really matter because not much changes for me and the children, we didn't really notice her absence. I have the kids full time now, she comes around to visit or take them out when she feels like it or else we just don't see her for awhile. The kids don't really ask about her, but they seem to have fun when she takes them out.

[@mynametrong5508]

Ayyyy congrats man! I’m happy for ya.

[@nattiemania]

Point is: Mid life crises is not crisis for the man. But for the people who depend on him. Similar to a woman who marries too early and divorces her husband after a few years due to FOMO

[@m2s599]

What’s FOMO?

[@J_Chips]

@@m2s599Means: Fear of Missing Out

[@nattiemania]

@m2s599 Fear Of Missing Out. Some hoe sh*t activities she other women and society convinced her that she missed out on when she was young due to peer pressure, societal pressure, or negative social media influence

[@thesturmovik6410]

@@m2s599 Fear Of Missing Out

[@starbright1400]

​@@m2s599fear of missing out

[@patrickhackett3878]

Excellent video. Men have an inherent bad rap during and after divorce, yet carry the majority of burden for providing, protecting and pioneering for their families. They die younger, usually without allowing themselves personal privileges, while their wives are looking to "trade up". Some balance needs to be struck. I admire dedicated male providers immensely.

[@hammer48ful]

I've found that a lot of men in a midlife crises finally realize they haven't done anything with their lives and are trying to make up for it. I was lucky that I had a wife that helped me chase my dreams. We worked by helping each other chase our dreams. By chasing my dreams it took me places I could never have dreamed when we started.

[@HedgeFundCIO]

This was me. Successful 1%’er. Slaved for others my whole life. Ungrateful wife and family. Went crazy dating young girls, travel. Amazing analysis.

[@jaimiejin7992]

This is such good message as I'm a younger girl seeing a man that's going through mid-life crisis. I can't imagine the life he went through serving his ex-wife and kids selflessly putting away all his desires and suppressing his nature. I am pondering what I can offer him to comfort him and make him happy.

[@Ezberron]

Ask him. He'll tell you. Men aren't complicated and you'll make him smile just by asking.

[@jaimiejin7992]

@@Ezberron Thank you. I WILL ask him.

[@frankdavf4599]

a ton of sex, wild n affectionate? Cooperation sinergy and three tons of RESPECT AND LOYALTY

[@educ8te]

What a lucky man .Hope you also get the best out of your life.

[@staubsauger2305]

As others have said. Ask him. Probably he'll want some action from time to time (he does have 17 times more testosterone which has been essential in keeping the species going). And if you show that you are on his team as his wingman, and he's a good man, then he'll be the happiest man alive. Once you understand you are a team that serves each other then you are unstoppable - it can be as simple as a sandwich when he is busy working hard.

[@gregorytremain4086]

If a man spent 20+ years doing the “right thing” and starts realising that he had dreams that are slipping through his fingers he might try to grasp them and what better time when he has the most money he’s ever had.

[@jared-s5y]

So true. Meet my wife at 19, married at 22. 100% in love with each other and 100% broke. I wanted to give her the world so I worked my ass off building a company for the last 22 years. Tens of millions of dollars later, I have ruined this woman because nothing is ever enough. Today, I gave up and finally filed for divorce. I am going to focus on me and find my happiness. I'm much easier to please.

[@valleytiller42]

45? Dude, I was 60 when I finally woke up!

[@vincedenais2612]

I’m 58 and just spent 35 years raising 3 sons with my wife, put them through Baylor and Pepperdine. 35 years because I’m still helping the oldest one. What I can say is that my parents did not give me 50% of what I’ve given my children, and all my 3 sons don’t want to have children because they can’t imagine that kind of sacrifice. I call parents my age the “fools generation” because we gave like fools. At 50 I picked up motorcycles again, and am now hardcore, even rode my Ducati at Laguna Seca at 58. What does that make me? Just a man who wants to stay young at heart by doing things that challenge fears. And I’m well past middle age. Tom Perry had it right - “you never slow down, you never grow old”. BUT you don’t have to leave your wife, that’s criminal in my book.

[@copenbee]

Yep. You pretty much described me at 43. Now I’m single, with a brand new convertible, a dog, and a heck of a lot less stress from the never ending demand for “more” from people who are never satisfied with the effort.

[@markfloden]

Very true and very close to home. Happened to me at almost exactly age 40. At age 45 (after the crisis induced divorce), I started riding motorcycles for fun. I should have started that a lot earlier.

[@richarddickson7522]

my favorite video yet! A great reminder of how women love to perpetuate the exaggeration of their lifelong sacrifices, while in reality men give more to the greater good of family and society.

[@starbright1400]

Rubbish. Try raising 3 kids and working full time. Leave adolescence behind you

[@evguenikretchetov9916]

I believe Dr. Orion, you are half right. The crisis is caused by awakening, that could manifest in breaking things and trying to change the environment. But, enlightenment is scary and is a lot of work - you realise that the environment you are in is stifling and is not healthy. You have a video on that. Doing self-care - yes, men don't do anywhere enough of it.

[@momoali6715]

You nailed it . I Always helped other people , they have built their lives i'm in my forties and i have made nothing relateable . Now i don't care about what people think about me . Best idea ever

[@richernation7138]

I just had the awakening in my life at the age of 55 years of age. That I have put everyone else’s needs ahead of mine for the last 25 years. From the volunteer Dad for scouts, soccer, dad, carpool dad, cheerleading, dad, that I never took the time out to just be a guy that wants to have some fun for himself and enjoy life. This video was a really really well thought out video. I thoroughly enjoyed the video and sent it to a friend of mine as well. Thank you so much for doing your research and not just spewing out. Random repeated topics from others. I will subscribe to your channel. Thank you so much.

[@frankdavf4599]

this midlife crisis triggers when you are in the ratrace speeding to your full and realizing your going in the last place, all others surrounding you, are ahead of you but you get lagging more n more.

[@Ja50nkAt]

I know a guy that worked 14-16 hour days for 15 years doing mechanic type work on semi's, his face looked like and old catchers mit at 42 years old, house paid off and money in the bank, wife and kids, but he looked beat. Some men give up everything for "what they should do".

[@law11school11girly]

As a 22 year old woman, I’m so glad I’m acknowledging these occurrences & choosing my life differently

[@vicvic2081]

Women do this by default. This video is more for guys

[@masteroogway334]

@@vicvic2081this can apply to a women who will chose a partner who is just selfish enough

[@Flexticles]

As a divorced 35 y/o piece of obedient government property whom almost lost his father, I concur. Luckily I’ve managed to stay pretty selfish throughout my life, but oh man, the gluttonous stage with younger ladies is a very real thing. Anyways, the timing of this is freakishly perfect, thanks for doing what you do and keeping it a buck

[@johlarson]

A related reason for a midlife crisis is the realization that Plan A isn't working. You're just not getting where you hoped to get to. And so it's time to reassess and switch to plan B. In my case, I realized that after more than 20 years I just wasn't going to advance in my career and I definitely wasn't happy staying where I was. So I decided to go back to school and retrain for something else.

[@rickseifert9040]

This sounds spot on. My wife has no qualms about doing anything for herself and I feel all guilty about it and never do it.

[@paulbucklebuckle4921]

Men don't have midlife crisis , we have second shot in life coz we age better .

[@GiulioSciorio]

Super good and true! I had my limit when I was 29. Left corporate America, sold my house and moved to downtown to become a photographer. It was hella rough for the first two years, was on welfare TBH, but it was the best time in my life. I started shooting international magazine covers, album covers and advertising. Plus, the networking at parties was a blast and for the fist time in my life women were plentiful, sometimes three or more in a day. When I hit 30 I created who I am VS what society says I should be. My business grew and my life grew with good people. Become fully self-expressed and do it now. Who cares what others think. It’s YOUR life to live.

[@hakeeem-hw3mr]

Hey, Orion I am only 19 but so thankful for you and guys like Myron, Michael Rich Tate rollo and j Waller. You guys saved me so much money and time. I see the warning signs so clearly now. You are phenomenal at simplifying complex interpersonal relationships.

[@peterfritzphoto]

This is sooo good, Orion. I created a blog and a podcast a while back called Midlife Tribe, after I descended into my own midlife crisis. I closed both a while back to invest my energy in other things. This video is a real breath of fresh air! New sub from Australia. 👍🦘

[@strangerdanger8462]

It's a derogatory term for men who have realized that they shouldn't spend the rest of their lives being a utility for family and society, and getting little or no reward. Interestingly, this happens at a point in life when they have the money to do whatever they want. Funny how it's called a crisis for men. But women are encouraged to do whatever they want and be stunning and brave. This proves how society sees men. As utilities. If a man breaks code, it's labeled as a crisis. To any young men reading this, i say; it's okay to be selfish. Put yourself first. Always. Thank me later. Great video. I'm not a professional psych but this video says exactly what I've been teaching my kids. Thanks for the vindication.😊

[@incassable]

one thing is missing in this video: before 40, you CANNOT afford all the typical mid-life crisis suff. Sport car ? Not enough money before. Women ? not enough money nor self-confidence before. And so on and so forth

[@sagargaikwad9985]

I am facing 40. For last 24 years, all I have been doing is for other people. I don't remember a moment when I put my wants before others. And unfortunate part is that I have to continue to do same for rest of my life!

[@vv-cv6ud]

This video is a watershed moment in my preset life where I just exploded , start becoming selfish n preserving my energy n resources..

[@aWitty]

Amazing stuff. I've had lots of friend for my whole life, they'd all say I'm a bit selfish, and although generous, I'll put myself and my enjoyment first, my wife would sat that too. I'm happy in my marriage with kids and have no need to get a sports car or a new wife. Thankyou for this. I've subscribed.

[@ka9202]

My Pops is over due for a mid life crisis. 'Delayed Gratification' has always been his motto over the years; I keep wondering 'when is he going to finally do something just for himself?' like getting a new sports car, jetting off to Marbella, depleting his 401K to buy a boat?

[@cheapeatsasia]

Great message in this video: guys need to practice being selfish. There's no point having a mlc if you just repeat the same mistakes and get sucked into another relationship where you are supporting others. Love yourself first❤❤❤

[@luckaugustin5123]

This is easily the most important video on your channel and I'm all here for it.

[@willt.8645]

45 year old male and this is spot on...I'm not there yet but I can feel it coming. Saving a link to this video so that when people try to reign me in, instead of a profanity laced response, I can simply copy, paste and carry on.

[@unoriginalname4321]

I'm having a life long crisis

[@cidadaoPPT]

This was remarkably well put together! Thank you! Subscribed.

[@Hari983]

Wow.. liking the fact that it takes you to be a man to able to get to your 40 before actually acting selfish, and linking this to mid-life crisis (and why it is typically a male thing) was genius!

[@garrettwitzenburg2873]

Im at a point where i dont even know how to have fun. 10 years ago was about starting my career and grinding at that. 5 years ago marriage and kids. When i get time to myself i domt even know what to do. Its a crazy concept

[@getdealtwithquick]

It can be a mindf**k, no doubt. The responsibilities and grind killed my passion for my hobbies, too tired to do anything except work, two little kids and trying to keep the marriage going. What helped me is starting to practice gratitude. Sounds lame but grounding exercises can really help change how you go into and through the day. Also: I realized that the sports car isn't going to address anything. No one cares what you drive and unless you're truly out there trying to attract the wrong kind of younger woman, go rent one on Turo every once in a while. Finding meaning, reducing debt and systematically working towards diversifying income streams to beat this insane mass theft (inflation) happening rn can be more rewarding than that new expensive toy depreciating in your driveway. Hang in there.

[@stevier3510]

It's an epiphany and realisation that life can be short and that you need to prioritise yourself. However it is viewed negatively by women as an insult or disrespect if a man is in a relationship with a younger woman, or buys a sports car of some kind.

[@mynametrong5508]

All my life I was a people pleaser, party because I was a man and felt it was my duty. People often shamed me for having emotions and expecting things of others. I would always be told to stop being angry or I can’t be upset over this and that. Girls always left the moment I expressed hints of sadness and vulnerability. I hated it and I hated everyone for not being able to be myself. Now I finally found a woman I can be myself around and whenever something bothers me, no matter how small, I express it to her and we come up with a solution. All of my friends are gone because I had too much hatred for their lack of empathy but now I’m gonna build a new life where I can be more of myself and build friendships that way. I think if I were to give any kind of advice: men should bring up concerns they have and express themselves sooner rather than exploding all at once. Because if it’s anything I’ve learned, emotions must be expressed. Suppressing them only makes them grow inside you, but they don’t just disappear.

[@manikyum]

Do you ever sense a loss of respect from your woman whenever you express yourself or be vulnerable in front of her?

[@mynametrong5508]

@@manikyum with most women unfortunately that will be the case. But with some of the right ones it won’t necessarily. I don’t feel that way anymore with mine, I guess because there’s high amounts of trust. I’m thinking to how this came to be and I think it’s because I established high status and respect with her before showing my vulnerable side. I showed her I was caring and could protect her, I was also famous for a little bit of time and lots of other women wanted me and she knew that. So if you’re strong and high status but also have a vulnerable side, girls can dig that because it shows you’re multidimensional and girls love an interesting man that can keep their life interesting and moving forward.

[@manikyum]

​@@mynametrong5508Thanks so much man for elaborating. I agree with your views, but I feel it's too much of a mentally stressful thing to keep maintaining this facade. Eventually your real self will come out, then what? At some point I will need just some peace and quiet and zero mental gymnastics. Maybe I'm all wrong and not cut out for this

[@mynametrong5508]

@@manikyum Facade of being strong all the time, is that what you mean? Hmm, you could always try to reveal yourself slowly! Like for example what I mean is to do things that keep you moving forward so a girl will think you have potential and possible high status. Girls like a caring and hard working man. And then whenever you're upset or feel needy, tell her just a little bit of how it makes you feel. If you hold it in, it will explode out later so try to just slowly express those vulnerable parts. I had a very hard time with this too since I am a very sensitive guy and many things my girlfriend has done has just made me hella upset lol. But I try to express this and talk about how she made me angry rather than insulting her or saying anything excessive.

[@GiraffeStudentAthlete]

This channel is going to blow up ( in a good way). I’m just here before it happens so I’m not confused with the bandwagon later 😂. Great video and content! -🔔

[@polarbear111000]

This was really good!! I have purchased several cars, Lambo pictured left, boats etc. as "release valves" over the years, but I catch a lot of flak for this behavior. I have to defend my "selfishness" on a continuous basis when accusations such as, "Well, if you didn't go out an purchase a Lambo, we could do this...........". I really appreciate the acknowledgement that selfishness isn't necessarily a bad thing. I realized many years ago that forgoing the purchase of these things was not an option. I needed my "piece of the pie" to stay motivated in order to provide the "lions share" of the household income. I'm glad I've finally come across someone who "gets it". Someone who understands and acknowledges this type of behavior as not "wrong"!!! Thanx. Sub'd.

[@brianfield4170]

I think that the difference between self care and selfishness needs to be added to this conversation, and each clearly defined with their respective boundaries. I think it's too easy to confuse the two, that they are getting mixed up here, and that many men will inadvertently mix them up and potentially needlessly destroy themselves or others by getting them confused.

[@user-po3mh4dy9r]

This is spot on! This is exactly where I am now, except much later in life than I would have liked..

[@krelly90277]

This is an arresting video; I’ve never heard this explanation before. This resonated strongly with me. Dr T. is the most insightful psychologist I heard.

[@stevenhinson6672]

Sounds like you tagged along on my life journey of the past seven or so years - nailed it

[@petersherry1845]

Absolutely 100% correct. I wish I realized this 5 years ago. Thanks Orion.

[@stevecooper13]

As a guy in the age range, there’s a lot of truth here. I’ve always looked out for others, often to the detriment of myself. For me, the realisation was an unexpected period of ill health which made me come face to face with my mortality and realise that I wanted to make the rest of my life, the best of my life. That has meant being selfish with some things, particularly my time, how I spend it and who I spend it with. I already had the motorcycle so need to go down that road ;) Great vid, a lot of guys, and society in general could benefit from this by improving their understanding of what men go through.

[@patty109109]

I’m exactly who you mention. However, my sibling is not…but the difference is his entire life has looked like a midlife crisis.

[@J.A.M.youtube]

First video of yours I’ve watched that relates to me! I had my “Mid-Life Crisis” at 31 😂 I’m grinding even harder now!!

[@primozmokorel3589]

Usually at this time our parents die and we realise, that we are mortal too, and maybe we could do some living before we go... and of courese we get shamed by women...how dare we...back to plantation!

[@jayare2583]

My mom passed a few months back, I'm about to be 32. I won't do anything stupid to ruin my career, but my " I don't give a fk" what people think meter has increased.

[@peuchrej5643]

You have the best artwork for the cover of your videos. Keep it up!

[@DEADIKATED]

Thank you. I’m actually going through something like this. I’ve been separated from my childrens mother since 2005 bc she has a personality disorder over the years she has managed to alienate my daughters from me to the point that they themselves are exhibiting their mothers narcissist behaviors and I finally had enough. I asked them to move back with their mother and now they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if our relationship will ever recover but I couldn’t go through that anymore. I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated like that from my own daughters especially how much I’ve sacrificed for them. I struggled with this decision for over 2 years but I finally felt it was now or never and don’t regret my decision

[@ObstaclestoOpportunities]

Great move Brother, I know it was hard but it was the best choice from the information I just read. You only get one ride on this life. Do not spend it on those which can not see and understand the value but even if they could what about you

[@Hiddenrage1]

women aren't out of practice made me laugh 😂😂

[@devicemangler]

I've contemplated this and I came up with a similar theory. That the midlife crisis is just a man realizing he now has the resources necessary to fulfill the wants he had as a teenager, and that he has simply been putting them off until he can afford the things he wants.

[@tosarox770]

It's time to stop saying that men age like fine wine. It's not true: most men grow ugly and fat, especially Caucasian men. That why wife cheat on their husbands because they dont age like wine 😂😂😂

[@ConveyApp]

I went through this phase at 34 years old. I was just controlled and was under the thumb of a woman 9 yrs older than me. She kept wanting me to have the experiences, resources, and knowledge of a man 20 yrs older. She would always compare me to men older than she was. I got into the relationship at 23, she was 32. We served her dreams and desires, and I never had time to fulfill mine. We were both crazy broke when we got together. She had just started a business a few weeks after we met, when I was 21. I actually was one of her first employees. 2 yes later we were in a romantic commitment relationship. We made a lot of money together, but she viewed it as all hers. I was never allowed to purchase something I wanted.

[@meetuchendu]

How did you get out of it?

[@thedalillama]

Yikes. I had a similar experience only with someone closer to my age. It was demoralizing at the time. Fortunately, many relationships and decades of life later, the experience was inconsequential. To note, however, I achieved at the highest levels at my profession, invested well, had children... all things that make female demands of a 22 year old so ridiculous.

[@ConveyApp]

@@meetuchendu My marriage was on the verge of ending before I went into my mid life crisis. It almost ended my marriage at that point. I had developed a crush on some girl at work, our business together. Nothing happened with the girl, but my wife figured it out and I confessed to having a crush. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t have physical contact with this girl. I kind of admired her at an arms reach. She was very sweet and very nice to me. Anyways my wife lost her freaking mind with this. She completely lost her mind. Out of no where she became crazy physically and emotionally abusive. It was like a light switch. She had never physically assaulted me or anything like that before. It was like it was bad prior, then it became a nightmare after. I blamed my wife’s abuse against me on myself. I felt I deserved it. Unfortunately she couldn’t let it go. I stayed for an additional 4 yrs attempting to repair the marriage and endured the abuse. Eventually I forgave myself for breaking my wife mind. Sadly she is still a broken woman, just with different men now. This woman was the top of her field, I would argue, she could have been top 10 in her field nationally. It has been nearly 10 yrs now and she is a 52 yr degenerate alcoholic with multiple DWI’s, she lost custody of her children, and she is a complete and utter disaster. She destroyed our family, our kids, herself, and me so much that I don’t care about her anymore. So I live with guilt, because of that short period of time when I decided that things couldn’t get worse and I did what I wanted to do. Less than 6 months. Yes, she absolutely overreacted and refused to let it go. Dang that shit will sober you up to reality and I shortly realized how my actions can affect others I care about. That’s how I got out of it.

[@tonyjackson7371]

Women usually get offended when they find out their 😺 ain't the best thing smoking.

[@mikejarrells431]

It's not a midlife crisis. It's setting healthy boundaries. Don't settle. Break the cycle. Rebel.

[@ConservativeSatanist666]

Very true.. waiting until you're 30 something to wonder what you want rather than what everybody else wants of you and making that change can affect you for the rest of your life. Until you are living for yourself you're not really living.

[@Amlantube1]

This is happening with me right now at 48, and I am enjoying every bit of it with my new jeep. I am happy I didn't have that safety valve. But I do take care of my kids.

[@motozest7856]

There might be some social relativity nuances here, but in my experience (dad's a family lawyer, wife is a psychologist, I'm a plastic surgeon) these midlife crisis happen a good decade later than what is being suggested in this video: late 40s to mid 50s.

[@danielkelley1612]

Thank you Dr. for another perfectly rational and much needed explanation specifically addressed to my own current concern for self-gratification post-retirement after a long steady lifetime of daily responsibilities of raising a family and working as a secret DOD contractor

[@jasonwismer2670]

Selfishness is always a negative. It is the subversion of what is healthy, "Self-care". Self-care is when we take care of our wants and needs while balancing societies demands. Selfishness is when that balance is lost in the favor of our own needs and wants at the expense of others around us.

[@djhardcorehengst6356]

Being a little evil is good too, you cant put that side in the closet forever

[@IgnacioDure]

selfishness is also an oportunity to stop some of the bad acting of the people that doesnt respect you you can also used like this, i used this and people most of the time respect your more if you logic is ok and you are real about what is happening to you

[@thewhiskeymentor]

Thank you. You're evaluation is dead on.

[@spencerjohnson2911]

This sounds like a stretch (and even questionable), but based on the criteria I've researched that fits a Midlife Crisis, I actually had mine when I was 17, then another one at 20 (the proper term for this is Quarter-Life Crisis). Those were some pretty scary times, but I'm thankful to have gotten through them in one piece. Life is now very great, and it's filled with happiness, optimism, tranquility, and normalcy. I'm glad to be in this state and to continue developing myself personally each and every day. It really does start with you to cultivate the self-discipline and focus to accomplish any form of self-improvement, but it's worth every frustration, headache, and heartache to get to the point of being in a state of strength and peace. 💯💪🏻☮️

[@Fehr270]

47 years on earth and I only know one man that has actually divorced his wife and bought a sports car. He was into his 50’s by then. I think this is an old stereo type that needs to go away.

[@dfly27485]

WOW brother, once again you’ve re managed to just hit the nail squarely on the head.

[@ps-dn7ce]

This is great!

[@shaylagoogle3097]

I like the way you explain this mid-life crisis for men. It makes sense to me after breaking it down to alot of responsibility. So men n woman should be asking what about me. 😊

[@allthings8119]

Some say controlling survival bodily instincts like selfishness is what is required for balance of spirit and flesh.

[@williamolliges2622]

I used to joke that I was never going to have a midlife crisis because I’d never really grown up in the first place. Duty driven? Sure. Had a career that I liked better than most people like theirs. Mostly took care of business at home, mostly. Participated in my son’s life. The rest of the time? Booze. Horses. Hunting, all about me. Sooo, I knocked off the drinking, got out of the cowboy life, and rebuilt my marriage, got promoted at work. Here I was, late 40s, life firing on all cylinders again, and that awareness of mortality you spoke of kicked in. I looked at the men in both sides of my lineage. IF you take care of yourself, you’ll live a relatively long time AND prolong your ability to enjoy life. Don’t take care of yourself? Die early? Nope. Not that easy. You still live a relatively long time as the LIVE in your LIFE gradually deteriorates. F that. Dying doesn’t scare me nearly as bad as infirm old age. I needed to re-tool my recreational life into a new chapter, and I did. Actually started USING my gym membership. Swam a mile at age 50. Why? Well of course pride, but mostly to set a goal, and remove doubt. Hunting Elk intimidates me, because they’re really big, the weather really sucks, and it’s generally hard. I’m doing it at 51. New twenty something squeeze? Nope. Made the marriage I’ve got worth having. Sports Car? Welllll, I half jokingly refer to the new Bronco as my midlife crisis-mobile, but that was tied to the retooling of my recreation time. Trying to be a better friend to the ones I’ve got left. I’m gonna cram as much LIVE into the LIFE I have left. Old age looks like it has hardship associated with it, so I need to be as strong as I can be to meet those challenges when they come. Midlife? Yup. Crisis? Sure felt that way. It just manifested itself differently (except the vehicle) than the classic MLC.

[@brentharrington9235]

This happens to the poor guys who were fast tracked from high school, to college, to full time salary employee at 21 without ever having lived. Live while your young. Tomorrow is never promised.

[@ShepShepFT86]

Laid off at 35. Ready for a new career or something not soul crushing but it's not responsible. Can't remember when a decision I made was actually something I wanted. Talked myself out of a motorcycle for no reason. I don't really care about making money anymore besides basic needs. Rent and health insurance forces us to submit to a steady higher wage. Not much has changed making shit wage to mid/high tier wage. The amount of effort needed to make another 10-20% wage is not worth it. Wife want's kids and a house. I can see how this happens it's leaking at the seams right now. That younger girl at the store looks fun to hang with.

[@heikojakob6491]

My ex-wife left me shortly after i had a stroke. I then got girlfriends in their early 20s, bought a new motorcycle, all that stuff. This came to a sudden halt when a girl broke my heart and i had heart attack only a few month later. After two heart surgeries i've decided to quit on women. They're simply not worth it to suffer.

[@zodiacfml]

true. they are overrated. if they help you with life then that is the time they become valuable

[@freddyrod2948]

I wasn’t gonna have a midlife crisis but after hearing this podcast, I can’t wait to have my midlife crisis! 🤠

[@americandissident9062]

A mid-life crisis is what they call it, but what it actually is is the man hitting his prime. A woman’s prime is during her 20’s, because her prime is based on health and beauty and how attractive and lively she is. A man’s prime is based on his amassed resources, wisdom, education, life experience, and also physical strength. Because of this, his prime years could hit anywhere from his early 30’s through his mid-50’s, depending on how well he takes care of his body. A man in his 40’s can easily have amassed a nice net worth, a full education, at least 15-20 years of work experience in an interesting field, some decent travels and life experiences, AND he probably still has 90% or more of his physical abilities left. What you’re seeing is a man in his prime behaving like a man in his prime.

[@danteeightsix9069]

My midlife crisis is already having the sports car and being able to do whatever I want, but want to have a family. Having a family is the only thing left that I would ever want to or could do. But I have to remember that men don't have a timeline that women do.

[@Kennamszoey]

Men don't have timeline??? Lol what??? Everyday new theory by someone lol 🤣

[@davidsf101]

I could not agree more with these statements. I have lived exactly how he describes it. However, I am now selfish in a way where every year, I take time off to travel alone to a place of my choice, and I can spoil myself. I have worked very hard and have supported my family for years. Now, I take a few weeks a year for myself, and no one will be allowed to change that. This is the least I can do for myself. I come back home recharged and full of energy. I was a joke at 22. Women didn't care about my youth and attractiveness. However, it seems that I get more attention now as I have so much more self confidence and have a lot experience in life. I can fly to Bora Bora tomorrow if I wanted. None of this was given to me but is a result of years of hard work. This is just life. When we become successful, we are not allowed to enjoy it by society. So some of us have to make their own rules. 😊

[@giuseppevella9501]

How can you live with a selfish, narcissistic person in such a midlife crisis?

[@ontherocks1491]

Ok I'm here having a mid-life crisis. Now, how do I deal with it? Great video.

[@PaigeBartholomew]

I am Paige Bartholomew, licensed psychotherapist in Texas. I am shocked at some of the continent of this video. Especially when it came to the part when you said, “Women are selfish ALL the time”. (Yes. You said those exact words.) What???? Most of the women that I know work full-time jobs and take care of the house, home, and children without equal help from their spouses. Most of them baby their man-child husbands AND YES- they give them the sex the man asks for. Studies based on modern marriages show that married women RARELY ask, “What about me“? In fact, studies show that most women feel guilty that they’re not doing ENOUGH for their families, when in reality they are actually doing more than their fair share. Women are constantly serving their families, and most of them do so thanklessly, feeling lonely and unseen by their husbands. To the viewer: be wary about where you get your information. Just because a loudmouth on KZbin publishes a video giving you permission to feel ok about leaving your wife, buying a sports car and having sex with a 21-year-old, doesn’t mean that his information is healthy, nor based on statistical fact.

[@chuck1052]

Women should not work full time after having kids. Her priority should be taking care of the home and supporting her Husband.

[@Sashamunster]

​@@chuck1052 Cool. Good luck surviving on one income nowadays.

[@PlanetOfTheApes999]

Studies show men feel the same way and rarely consider their own feelings and needs. This strongly suggests that getting married and having kids is a bad idea nowadays, not that women are a victim class. Also, your license should be revoked because you're basing a lot of what you think on anecdotal evidence rather than studies. There's no question in my mind that when a heterosexual couple get "therapy" from you, you automatically side with the woman no matter what you're told or what evidence is presented to you. You're just as sexist as the person that made this video, and yes, hating men is just as sexist as hating women, and it's possible for women to be sexist.

[@inmydelorean6025]

Your comment is as one-sided as the video. Instead of being moderate in your conclusions and saying that men and women both have their problems you immediately went berserk with CAPS, ????s, and spitting offending words (man-child) towards people you know almost nothing about. That is not a qualifying characteristic of a licensed psychotherapist. I feel sorry for your clients if you treat them the same way.

[@PlanetOfTheApes999]

@@inmydelorean6025 She blames male clients for everything they go through no matter what the evidence proves or disproves. She's a hateful zealot masquerading as a therapist.

[@SC-fk9nc]

Brilliant explanation! Be a plow horse for decades and explode in your 40's or 50's. Can relate to this.

[@Hectorheroic]

I had mine because I got to mid forties and realised I did nothing when I should have. I don't need a flash car, I don't want a young woman, I just want my youth back so I can realise the potential I always had.

[@MedicalBatteryLaw]

WORD! Another great episode. Spot on.