INFJ Guilt About Giftedness

INFJ and INFP personality types are usually a part of the small percentage of the population who are considered gifted. Being gifted is a label that may seem like a good thing, but the reality of being gifted is actually quite different. INFJs and INFPs who are gifted may feel the crushing weight of expectations put upon them by their families and by society. Being gifted also makes INFJ and INFP personality types feel even more different and set apart from other people than they naturally are.
The most challenging aspect of giftedness for INFJ personality types is how it interferes with harmony in their peer groups. When an INFJ personality type realizes that their gifts are threatening to others, this causes them distress. For some INFJs, their gifts take the form of an above average intelligence, for others it takes the form of high creativity. No matter what form the INFJ’s or INFP’s giftedness takes, the INFJ or INFP tends to feel that they need to hide it, and they need to hold back on their gifts so that they don’t outshine others or make others feel less than adequate. This results in the INFJ or the INFP constantly playing small in their life and holding back on the full force of their creativity.
What every gifted type needs to understand is that they cannot manage anyone else’s reaction to their giftedness. And when they play small, they are not being helpful to themselves or to others. This is giving in to guilt about giftedness, and the cycle must be halted for INFJ and INFP personality types to move fully into their creative potential.
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[@LaurenSapalaINFJ]

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[@dorrainefisher687]

Instances of being bullied are also more common in INFJ's. People hate you for NO reason at all. And since you're sensitive and empathic, they mistake that for weakness and use you as a target. But INFJ's have a different kind of strength that keeps them going and it's a good thing. Having this personality type doesn't make life easy.

[@colonelgraff9198]

Giftedness comes with guilt, masking, settling and internal conflict. The task of the INFJ is to work through the side effects of our gifts to enjoy the benefits of it.

[@NeuroDivergentLatino]

Wow! Beautifully said.

[@sl3102]

A lot of people just want you to be the same as them. It's a nuisance to them if somebody's different.

[@prschuster]

It's really telling that women get a hostile reaction when they show that they are accomplished. It's the opposite with men who are looked down on when they don't show signs of success.

[@colonelgraff9198]

Success and accomplishment is in the eye of the beholder. Don’t look at the world through the glasses others have handed you.

[@pmdaguet]

Thanks a lot for addressing this topic. It took me 57 years to realize that I was probably gifted. And now I don't know what to do with that information

[@tpwdtest]

I’m still scared and embarrassed by my gifts, generally. However, I recently let some musical gifts escape that nobody that’s known me for 53 years even knew existed. You don’t have to lose your gifts, even if they only shine inwardly for a time. Don’t let the lights go out. It’s your time to shine now. Please begin. The world needs all of your gifts NOW. Be brave. I’m here for you.

[@Manni-lj2cy]

Sometimes, people are threatened by us, treat us poorly, and often, the result is.....we "make ourselves small". The last thing we want is for anyone to feel badly, so much so, we will become a different person, or hide aspects of ourselves for the "comfort" of another.

[@andybearvlog6140]

Everything in this vid has hit the mark for me. I feel very alone being an INFJ. Its so hard to make friends. Does any other INFJ's feels this way?

[@KingDomsKingdom85]

100% mate. I also struggle to make new friends due to my introspective nature, even whilst out in public settings.

[@minnae.1747]

I find it easy to talk to people but hard to actually make friends. There is the surface level stuff that doesn't meet the deep level. I don't truly trust people anyways. I'm INFP but everything in these videos resonate.

[@sharonfuszard8861]

Asynchronous development is actually normal in those who are gifted.

[@Candyliz2003]

Getting the negging people out of my life has increased my productivity by leaps and bounds! And HAPPINESS resides and abides within.🤗

[@Thilosophocl3s]

Lol, co-workers are not your friends. You are either a boon or a barricade to their success. If it ever came down to deciding between their livelihood or yours, they'll always choose themselves. In a professional environment I would choose myself too. Lol... I do my best to downplay the "gifts" or perception of them because I don't want to talk about what I haven't done or accomplished with my life. That kind of talk brings a lot of shame. But also "HOW AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT SEES THIS!!" is a thought that plagues me almost daily. That kind of stuff makes me question myself and kills my confidence.

[@jjjjk1241]

“How am I the only one that sees this?!” I bet I said that to myself 50 times today!!

[@Roltereen86]

The way I dealt with my Giftedness, I suffered throughout the 80s and 90s at home, school church and even my job. I Thank God for moving and living alone, now I'm able to express my abilities of music and arts and crafts without the nonsense of my opponents. Great Video, it definitely resonated with me.

[@AussieBelle]

I had a parent who hated conceitedness so no encouraging words were ever spoken lest we became 'big-headed.' This makes it very difficult to say anything nice about myself, even if I feel it is true. My mother's voice chimes in telling me I am being conceited or arrogant. It's such a dilemma and a hard thing to get over. It requires much practice. Bragging is also considered a sin in our culture, especially with women. All this serves to keep us small. Caring less about what people think is definitely helping. I say things in a matter-of-fact way and without looking for a specific response. It's a tough gig, but practice makes perfect. Forming a healthy relationship with myself via journalling is also helping. Keep going. You can do it.

[@annharper8342]

We label far too often. As a child I was told you are "shy, read too much, blunt or tactless, and difficult " this from teachers and my adults. I read the colliers encyclopedia out of boredom. Today, I am mostly recovered and work on being myself. But labels , are killers, especially based on personal definitions.

[@cartermusic2020]

I’m accepting my “giftedness” for the first time at 35. My therapist had to tell me - I had no idea. She’s an infp :)

[@renosance8941]

LOL seems like such an arrogant problem to have, but its real 😅

[@lilakilonen5663]

it is isn't it? 😂

[@jennifergraham5615]

It sounds like an arrogant problem to have and I have to keep that in mind at all times. I used to run to people and complain and they say it must be nice to get so much attention. That was in the beginning before I knew people were surrounding themselves around me because I had lots to offer. I can do math and special stuff. We don’t really fit in one box. Sorry listening to the video while responding. I learned that were rare and to pay attention to where our energy goes…. Like bypass sharing with people who are going to take your focus off you’re goals. I’m still listening to the video. She’s saying what I was thinking about. Good video! Good timing! We do have some major challenges but nothing we can’t overcome or haven’t been able to overcome.

[@SideB1984]

Ohhh yeah I definitely have a spiky profile. Always being over or underestimated.

[@HeyokaTwin1111]

When I was a child, I was diagnosed as gifted and offered a special program for gifted kids. I didn't go because of that feeling. I already felt like an outcast, and I didn't want the label. My mother says I chose mediocrity to this day. Now, at 43, I identify as an INFJ Heyoka Empath with pride. That's who I am. That's what I do. I own my gifts and use them daily to benefit the greater good and the collective consciousness. Many blessings, love, and light. 🙏❤️‍🔥✨️🪽

[@billyb4790]

I totally get that feeling. I’m glad to hear others share that experience because I always felt crazy because of it.

[@Lina_1517]

You wouldn't believe this, but one of the strangest things that I apparently do which people get threatened by is my "focus" during lectures and presentations 😂 like, I'd be sitting in a lecture minding my own business and people would come to me and ask stuff about it later saying things like, 'yeah because you looked so intensely focused on the topic!', or 'you must get good grades because of how much you concentrate during lectures'!So if people are that threatened by my subconscious habits, you can forget about me telling or showing them my real talents.. I think of them as personal private, hobbies, so to speak.

[@violetalar5387]

I got some of this as well when I was younger. I liked to focus and listen to the teacher. I never enjoyed talking with my classmates during lectures, and somehow it was considered weird and unnatural, even by the teacher. I realize I'm the same at work in the present. I don't like small talk during my shifts. I just focus on my work, and apparently that makes me antisocial, even when I have no problems with chatting with my colleages before or after shifts. Strange world where everything we just are is considered weird.

[@Lina_1517]

@@violetalar5387 Yes, exactly. Me, too, in my former career as a lab tech. Whenever I show interest in a piece of machinery, like, you can feel it that there are always those who consider that some kind of competition or trying to climb up their hierarchy or whatever 😂 we don't even try anything and this happens, imagine if we did try! Weird world, indeed..

[@billyb4790]

People always thought I was smart even though I never got good grades.

[@hetoriaansverbond5944]

Good video! Not to sound arrogant, but: if a friend is jealous of your gift, then he or she is not a friend in the first place. Never let anyone make you feel less good because of their jealousy.

[@tommyselbe1999]

Apologizing for being the brightest color in the box 😢

[@YODHANNAFELIPE]

Omg… The playing small… so true 😢

[@CHSN-1]

Being gifted will invite the attacks. Its insane. My narcissistic dad got jealous of me because I was good at baseball. My entire life he would try to mess with me because he saw I was gonna go pro at a really early age. Then when I ended up going pro my whole family turned on me. Now every dude I meet that finds out I was good at baseball starts competing with me immediately.

[@RisingRemnantOfEphraim]

Here's a story about a once gifted INFJ, he was told he was a genius as a child and intellectually gifted, and the stubborn INFJ spent the next 8 years in school trying to prove he wasn't. 30 years later in a dead end job..I guess he showed them lol.

[@ShunyamNiketana]

I tested as an INFJ before I knew the sixteen types. A woman I was dating wanted me to take the test, so I did it. This was some years ago. I came back to her house a couple of weeks later and told her the results, and she said something like, "Wow. That's the rarest type." Does it still fit? This video suggests strongly that it does--the creativity; the "many gifts" or "a person of many gifts" (as others have commented); the limited number of friends; the love of German, multi-grain, unleavened breads with fried eggs; the love of books (piled here & there on the floor); the empathy (for kids, especially); the synthesizing, holistic learning style; the aloofness or standoffishness; the vulnerability that can make me a target of macho males; the door slam on those provocative bullies (they hate to be ignored); the love of reading anonymously in a French cafe; and the lack of ambition. Thanks to Lauren for this series; I've just discovered it.

[@DonTrump-sv1si]

I feel guilty about not doing enough. I feel like i could be great buti don't know what to do or how to do it. And i feel out of place when i do better than others. I hate the conflict and hate/jealousy involved

[@loisthiessen9134]

"playing small to keep the harmony"..so true of how I've lived my life. This is very helpful.. a big-picture explanation in a simple phrase, which I want to remember in fully accepting my giftedness. Thank you.

[@limadamata8883]

I suffer with this.

[@ZeddicusAWR]

I really enjoy your content. I had once thought I was INFP, but the shut the door mechanism I use on so many things, and people, in my life made me revise that to INFJ. I also think a lot about things from different angles, and tend to find myself siding both against, and for, both opposing and defending parties… both sides being equal and all, yet that frustrates me. I also hate my emparhy, and wish I wasn’t so easily able to fit into other’s shoes… sometimes I just want to be mad at someone, and not dwell on the ways maybe I misunderstood them, or they misunderstood me. 🤯

[@saramariasdotter3681]

Very recognizibel!

[@jahayrac8636]

My son is gifted and has ADD. In doing research on ADD I happened upon what giftedness looks like in youths through adulthood. I saw A LOT of myself in the examples. I kept thinking, no, no, not me, I don't need to be another kind of special. That's just gonna make me look vain or egotistical. I see now, I was downplaying my giftedness. When I first learned about MBTI, my boyfriend, now husband, tested me through the book he got from a coworker. I actually scored as an INTJ, the "mastermind." I remember feeling anxious about it because he was the one who just became an engineer, and I had yet to finish college. He didn't score as the "intellectual" kind and I could see him ruminate and we downplayed the book a bit. "It's just for fun, anyway." "Ooh, I'm a mastermind, bwa has ha!" I could feel us both thinking, "Shouldn't he be the "smart" type?" I downplayed it too but owned my honest answers because they just made sense to me and I didn't see how anyone couldn't. Intuitively though, I could feel his discomfort. Fwiw, it's possible I was overly logical then and that's why I scored higher as a T rather than an F. I remember that at that time I was stressed and in the middle of removing people who tried to dim my light and just use me. I was very logical and action oriented. Intuitively I already knew what needed to be done, and I didn't need to feel anymore. I just needed people to get out of my way and let me be me. I needed less planning and more actions. Within a year or two after a hard life of that thinking I realized that I was pushing against something that didn't feel right to me, deeply. I was denying a connection to myself and it wasn't until I learned to do intuitive work and reconnected with my internal self that I finally started to thrive. I mention this because the summer before I learned of my son's needs (nearly 15 years later) I retook the test online after encouragement from a friend and I scored as an INFJ. It felt honest and more true to me then. But learning about adult giftedness, then, I just couldn't accept that I could be both. INFJ absolutely. Gifted? I screwed up college and graduated WAY late. How is THAT gifted? But recently I've come to realize that I'm dimming my light for other's sake yet again. Because I'm afraid I'm too much for them despite knowing that in sharing my light it "gives others permission to do the same." That in acknowledging my light I'll have to leave people behind if they can't handle it. So I still didn't think I was gifted; I sadly have people around me that would tell me I'm not enough because I'm doing too much in all the "wrong" places. But hearing your explanation and connecting it all (including that I'm likely neurodivergent) has been incredibly validating. I immediately borrowed The Gifted Adult as an ebook and the first page alone made me feel both seen and heard. Thank you for your video. It's been illuminating.

[@mattb1568]

The amount of times I said out loud “YES”. You are by far my favorite infj KZbinr, you talk about stuff no one else does! Thank you!!!!

[@karobarsamian]

Could you do a video on INFJs who feel anything but gifted? Is that another form of holding yourself back? I've definitely been more on the struggling end of the spectrum.

[@billyb4790]

Same here. I’ve accomplished a good deal of things but I feel like my only gift had been forging my own path because I suck at everything else in life 🤷‍♂️

[@theresadutcher4750]

This was actually helpful for my current situation. It is a weird process to acknowledge abilities and not hide them anymore. Over the last few months I felt like there is a dragon inside who uncurls and finally spreads its wings...

[@johnmichaelrichards]

I excelled in Physics, Chemistry and Biology but was constrained by lesser command of Pure Mathematics.

[@KingDomsKingdom85]

Exactly the same as myself, mate.

[@slickandslaycious6579]

Giftedness can also induce survivors guilt because how much these abilities can change one’s life outcomes

[@brianhales1416]

Unfortunately, I'm more than familiar with these sorts as to say I'm honestly content with being a hermit is an understatement. Before I came to realize why I was different and fitting in, it wasn't something that I was good at. However, not for lack of trying as I was desperate to fit in, to be a part of something, anything that resembled my ideas of a family type relationship amongst friends. Growing up in a single parent household wasn't all that easy for ma, sis, and me. Ma worked, and her drunken boyfriend didn't, in turn, left me whimpering at the window, praying for ma to come home. It eventually had gotten to where I'd no sooner run the streets than to head home after school. And school was no better having been the odd one out for what they considered normal as to make me feel I was farthest from it and being weird had my name written all over it. Imagine a boy then being told more often than not that you're too sensitive. My past once was fraught with mysteries upon numerous occasions as to how I felt a room as if the room were me and how I had to vacate lest I'll be sick awestruck to doubt myself to keep from believing such happenings just aren't for the sake of wanting to fit within notions of being normal as once opposed to being kept out for answers having failed questions relative to how I knew more than expected of anyone having done the research. Nonetheless, the sorts of friends that would give me the time day weren't friends at all as only to remind me if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have any friends at all as only to remind me of how others see me as unpredictable and too quiet And so as only to be reminded of how lucky I am to have zoo keepers for friends. I've been kept down and exploited in more ways than one desperately clinging to thoughts of a family structure built from love and understanding loyalty amongst friendship so much for dreams as much as it was a nightmare, I woke to. To share this is not to express that I am still lugging this about my steps as that I've long since released those mental shackles through the use of keys forgiveness derived from each link reflected sense as to realize after each a valued lesson connected accounting for less of a hold on considerations whereas no more chains to bear in mind free of foreign restraints

[@joybird5495]

This occurred with a person in a work group I’m in. In two meetings recently she has attacked my ideas without anything better to offer. I found myself playing small trying to give her a way to save face. It was very awkward.

[@360relations]

Thank you for this. It brought up tears. Because of personal work I have been doing I have finally been able to accept this. Watched it 3 times : )

[@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot]

This is informative. Trying to stay focused and productive because building me. The world is tough, threatening. Although pushing through this with chin up elbows back. With God, fearsome power. ❤️‍🩹☮️

[@jojoqueenofswords932]

I excelled at sport at school and am definitely an INFJ. My friends who are avid readers are INFPs. They are astonishingly quick at reading and picking up new information. I am very slow at reading, but very kinaesthetic. I think INFJs and INFPs are pretty different but get on really well.

[@twisted_seraph]

I very much relate to this and most of my life when I do something with another I usually surpass them in a few months or a year and then they just give up. So I am stuck doing it all on my own and my own progress. It's discouraging, because I wanna have someone to do these things with to get feedback and help but I end up helping them.

[@howaboutno2023]

Great vid! Thanks for reminding me not to dim my light🙏🏾

[@anneheerdt8701]

oh this is so timely, and it really affects my son as well. I have had no clue about things I have said and then realized I ended up paying a price. I decided to not 'dumb down' my language a few years ago, I use accurate language but adapt for people who really need it (such as English not being their first language). Still have a lot to deal with from all this in my 50's

[@yehiaelharmiel]

Every video of yours is sooo trueee!!!! Better than anyone explaining it anywhere else!! Thank God for letting me find your channel. Thank you so much and keep going please.

[@tommyselbe1999]

Jeopardy 😅 pissed them off 😅

[@airam-sj2172]

I totally agree with you. We as INFJs are not superior in any shape or form. I can't stand those channels that are biased about us.

[@drew67gmdrm72]

it can also be a superiority complex

[@fazzaustralia8932]

So spot on. I experienced all of this growing up.

[@selinkeskinart]

Like how can you know my deepest issues I have in my life? Wow, I wouldn't think that all of this is because of being INFJ. I mean I was searching all the psychological "problems" I face on KZbin all this time, and your channel is like concentrated library version for all of them without need to search one by one! I don't know how to thank you enough, you really cleared up many things in my heart and head 🧡 thank you 🌸

[@neasahayes6044]

I love your way of explaining things.

[@mikistrawberri]

They actually put me in those special classes when I use to go to school (late 90's to almost late 2000's). But, I was also able to take normal classes (especially if it was reading, something that was/is my strength.) I still don't know which MBTI type i'm, but I usually get INFJ or INFP. Edited: I meant to say mid-90s lol

[@SideB1984]

I was in TAG talented and gifted classes in the 90s and it woulda been nice to get an autism diagnosis then instead of at 36 but I’m female so yeah. 😅

[@eliseta4232]

it's so funny that many channels on KZbin I've been following throughout the years are talking just now about actually being gifted themselves or discussing the gifted topic. I got an evaluation as gifted couple of years ago (I'm also INFP and dyslexic) and discovered how many of the people I look up to or connect with are indeed also like me. Lots of love.

[@Bigtooth-Forest]

This describes Introverted Intuitive folks in general. INTP here and we feel the same more or less.

[@namez2a]

There are are a few 2E schools popping up now (gifted and nurodivergent) and more research too that Ill be looking into. On that note as a 2E adult I feel homeless in academics and professionally becuse I make so many connections acrosss diciplines and industries. Its not like job listing are looking to hire according to a set of gifts specific to a particular person.

[@karieification]

I will wager the learning style of most INFJs is “visual-spatial learner.” You can look that up.

[@tressaverde]

This was something that made so much sense to me.

[@A_22398]

this video resonated with me.

[@differentmindsastrology]

Love this one. I came across twice exceptionals (gifted but also with a learning difficulty) many years ago and so much made sense in my own life, like i found my tribe. Its such a shame these unique gifts aren't acknowledged, or looked for, in the UK like they are in the US

[@1594simonsays]

It's not much better across the pond unfortunately

[@sueaug74]

Great Info!!👌😍Spot on 🎯Loved This to the Max!!Thank you so very much Ms.Lauren💜🤟💜 happy to be an INFJ👌😉❤️ You are Awesome 🎉

[@cinderling5472]

Yeah i feel like everyone is gifted, but me 😂🤣 still waiting for my gifts to uhh appear

[@erikabrinton984]

ISFP who resonates lol..

[@Verdeoxid]

Thank you ✨

[@6193derek]

Unfortunately move nt away from those who are threatened, is never an option, because everywhere I go there is always a whole new crop of what you call threatened individuals, and those I prefer to call assholes,. It’s impossible to get away from them.

[@steppentofortune7934]

You have to channel your energy into caring more about what you think versus what they think. People will admire you secretly for it. Some may even tell you to your face…

[@jillmarieweingarten3048]

Thank. You. ❤

[@oliviathatcher1459]

Thank you. Very affirming.

[@amrutak4945]

Thank you for this video ❤️ Got a lot of answers.

[@gingerbreadzak]

00:05 🎁 INFJs often feel guilt about their giftedness, which can significantly impact their lives. 00:32 🤔 Being gifted doesn't mean being superior to others but thinking in a unique, expansive way and having different needs. 03:16 📚 Gifted individuals may not excel in traditional school settings and can have diverse learning styles. 04:27 💡 INFJs and INFPs are often gifted but may focus on their areas of lack, leading to self-deprecation. 06:13 🌟 Other people's reactions to INFJs' and INFPs' gifts can be threatening, leading to a tendency to downplay their abilities. 08:05 😰 Revealing one's giftedness may lead to negative reactions, making INFJs and INFPs withdraw and play small. 11:44 🚶‍♂ Moving away from people threatened by your gifts is essential for self-actualization. 13:08 🌟 Embrace your natural gifts, even if they come easily to you; it's an indicator of your true talents. 17:14 📖 Recommended book for exploring giftedness: "The Gifted Adult" by Mary Elaine Jacobson. Sign up for the newsletter for more resources and information.

[@TruePathLiving]

Yes. This is why i never believed i gifted. But i was always good at Art and Analysis. I went into data science and art.... I'm good at writing too. And advocacy. I always cared about social issues. Was an SJW before it was a thing.

[@gogojojo2718]

This sounds a lot like the autism spectrum. Im INFJ but I've been seeing lots of videos online about people being infj & autistic so im wondering if in like that too

[@johnmichaelrichards]

I read slow but write very quickly.

[@tabomwangelwa4150]

Thank you Lauren

[@mangledtapes]

Thank you

[@saraschemmel5069]

You are describing an ISTJ aspiring with their Ne inferior while utilizing their Te parent to synthesize all the information. Ne is expansive in thought and is trans-contextual in their thinking creating and seeing connections between non-linear information. INFJs can be very linear and narrow in their thinking. Our Ti child uses conditional thinking which is related to cause and effect in a linear fashion and is very good at mathematics and linguistics. Ti critic will be critical of themselves about these things and think they aren’t good at math and language. You are describing yourself as an INFJ because of stereotypes which are false pattern recognition.

[@aftonair]

What percentage of INFJ's are neuro-divergent? I'm recognizing a lot of overlap in traits. Asking as an INFJ who is also autistic/adhd. (also have narcissistic parents. so I think that's the trifecta, isn't it?). Everything that you've said here rings so true for me. Thanks.

[@suesteig3025]

❤

[@DonTrump-sv1si]

Do you do one on one coaching?

[@naamanpratt]

✔

[@Abulina09]

🥺🥺🥺😭

[@TallulahBum]

Thank you for this. Very affirming x

[@slickandslaycious6579]

Giftedness can also create survivors guilt because of how these abilities can drastically change one’s life outcomes