Are INFJs Aromantic?

It’s common for many INFJ personality types to reject traditional romantic gestures, and due to the fact that INFJ personality types also commonly exhibit numerous neurodivergent traits, we may question if our rejection of traditional romance is linked to neurodiversity. However, even though many INFJ personality types reject traditional romantic gestures, INFJ personality types can also be very romantic. The rejection of traditional romantic gestures has more to do with rejecting the mainstream cultural narrative of what romance is supposed to look like between two people, rather than the gestures themselves.
For INFJ personality types to feel attraction or any type of romantic feeling for someone else, an emotional bond must be in place first. Once an INFJ personality type feels a significant deep emotional bond with someone, then they may very well welcome romantic rituals in the relationship, and romantic gestures from that person. However, in order for the INFJ personality type to feel that the ritual or gesture is actually “romantic,” it must be personalized and thoughtful. The gesture must relate to them as an individual. It cannot be a generic gesture that could be made towards anyone. INFJ personality types are highly intuitive and will immediately pick up on the energy behind a romantic gesture, easily determining if it is a false or hollow gesture.
It is also common for INFJ personality types to struggle to form deep emotional bonds with others, so they may experience the feeling of being a late bloomer when it comes to romantic relationships. INFJ personality types are not attracted to very many people, and this might also contribute to their feeling of being different from the mainstream population in the area of romantic relationships.
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[@LaurenSapalaINFJ]

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[@colonelgraff9198]

Attracted to the energy and not the container.

[@lindsey2930]

Absolutely!

[@sonofhibbs4425]

100%! Never understood why people ‘lust’ over ‘containers’. ..or have sex over physical attraction. I think it’s stupid as hell.

[@OGK-1414]

​@sonofhibbs4425 world population would be near non existent if everyone was like us, that's why. Survival of the species.

[@saramariasdotter3681]

Sad - but true!😄​@@OGK-1414

[@soulsifting]

Absolutely

[@elainevaughn218]

Yes! For me, someone can initially look physically attractive, but then they open their mouth (reveal who they are), and suddenly they are hideous to me. Or, someone can initially look a little bland, but then they open their mouth and suddenly they are gorgeous. I am drawn to Intuitives. Off-topic, Lauren, in your videos I am always fascinated by this particular background. The colours work together so beautifully, and there are so many interesting things to look at. 💜💚

[@austingleason]

I’d rather be alone until I meet someone I actually want to be with and spend time with. A lot of people are in relationships just because they’re lonely or want to have the social status of being with someone.

[@Ywgsuiyf]

Zillakami - Tomorrow (Slowed) I definitely want the same. LOL. Hold your own though! I know I got a lot to do for myself.

[@Ywgsuiyf]

Aye dawg. Check out other countries.

[@JerrTheHooman]

Omg! I didnt realize this so common among us! Im married to an ISTP who is lust heavy and i often have to explain to him that my sexual attraction isnt a switch that turns on and off so easily and that the mental and emotional connection we share is of more value to me than the physical aspects. I could honestly live a sexless life as long as i get the emotional intimacy i need 😂

[@ideegeniali]

What I like about this channel is she reports out of her experience and studies after talking to lots of INFJ/INFP and not something she read in a book.

[@briettasonlen1208]

INFJ here. Sapiosexual does it for me.

[@SD-rm5ty]

I can definitely be romantic but with the right person.

[@billyb4790]

Not me. Never had a serious relationship and I’m 50 lol I’ve had plenty of women interested but I seem to be allergic to relationships. Part of its trauma I guess but I think it’s also Infj stuff.

[@ved7690]

Title : are INFJs Aromantic? Me : ofcourse they're aromatic, why else would I smell citrusy all the time 😂

[@BSNotAccepted]

I have recently become aware of the fact that the woman I have been dating for the past few weeks is lovely. So this video really hit home. As far as romcoms go, most people aspire to that kind of romance but few actually "find" it. I keep thinking of a line in Sleepless in Seatle. Rosie O'Donnell's character says to Meg Ryan's character- "You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie." Every gift I give, every card I send, has to be personal; I cannot just gab something off the shelf and go.

[@kawru_kun6846]

I believe that we tend to feel romantic if we're really connected to that person or whenever real and strong emotions are involved, so sometimes i don't get the "love from the first sight" unless it's one of my imaginary expectations on people

[@ChainShrine]

Thanks for speaking about this. I think it’s funny (in a sad way) how some people project their feelings about being alone on us when we’re out on our own. Couldn’t imagine needing someone just to enjoy going out.

[@Taurusboy07]

I am extremely Romantic. However, I have to have depth. It can not be traditional or shallow.

[@TheFireflycam]

It’s my 40th birthday today, as an eternally single Infj, I believe this can apply for birthdays too, I’d rather have nothing than anything that feels like a tedious obligation. Shallow after thought, or meaningless gesture.

[@chriscjamison]

I'm a demi/sapiosexual. The women I've fallen for were women that I thought were brilliant and very kind people. Now, whether the attraction was healthy or limerant is another matter altogether. Ha!

[@bc3757]

Lauren, Good one. Your title really triggered me so I was coming in like gang-busters to make it clear that I, as a proud INFJ, am extremely romantic....but.... then I listened. So, good for you. You brought me in. The romance, the intimacy, etc., all comes from the connection. The depth and what I call that psychic appreciation. All that other stuff is superficial. I'm older now and not partnered due to my wife's passing but I can look back and count on less than one hand some of the most beautiful, wonderful, romances I could have imagined (friends and lovers). They all had the same theme. Deep emotional connection. Ones where I found great souls who could see beyond what I call the Hallmark moments. (PS: I still have a near silly handmade Valentines day construct my wife gave me probably 30 years ago. On purpose, she made it like a child might.) Keep teaching and keep up the good work.

[@learningforever957]

Im an INFP male. I'm extremely romantic. But I tend to be seem as cold, probably as a defense mechaninsm, and I don't develop those feelings eassily (as others said, with the right person). But once I'm in... I want to make my partner the most special person in the world, protect her, make her the happiest person, etc. But we all (or lots of us) have our heart broken once or maybe twice, and we have to care on who we put those special feelings. Since the right person appears, I'm focusing all my romantic and positive energy into my dog and cockatiel.

[@paljones8631]

This hit close to home. I am an INFP, and in my 37 years I haven't been in a romantic relationship, which has made me wonder if I am aromantic. I know I used to confuse love with friendship, because I had next to none growing up. As I have gotten more friends, I have come to realize that friendship is basically my strongest emotion. It have made me realize that while I may be aromantic, I don't see myself as asexual. I am trying to find out how that will work, also because I have a need to sleep alone, and I have often been nervous that a more intimate friendship would end it. I am sure I will find the solution someday.

[@technicolordreamer]

As another INFP, I can relate to this too.

[@timskaggs3762]

The reason I don’t particularly care for Valentine’s Day or Christmas is that giving a gift on a designated day seems inauthentic and required. I’d prefer to send my wife flowers at a random time, when it’s a pleasant surprise that uplifts an otherwise dull workday. When I chose to express those feelings. Since most of society doesn’t relate to that INFJ mindset, they simply assume there was a marital “fight” between us, and my gesture toward my wife is because I’m “in the doghouse” at the moment. Couldn’t possibly be just because I have a caring heart and a good imagination. Fortunately, my wife mostly doesn’t really care what other people think, when her husband is doing something nice for her.

[@jamesgazin9447]

I think part of our problem is the way we INFJs define "Personal". I don't send many Holiday/Greeting cards because it takes so much work. I've never thought much of store bought cards so, in my 20's, I decided to make my own. I bought a cheap calligraphy set and blank card stock with vaguely appropriate pictures and wrote the ditties on the inside myself. Later, I took my own pictures and built my custom cards using software. As I said, I don't send many cards but if you get one from me it is most likely one-of-a-kind. If I see it in a trash can the next time I visit, we are done!

[@Dawhud]

Yep... that's me.

[@mikegeorge3392]

Nailed it. I can't really fully be attracted to a woman unless she's a good person and if they have great qualities within their character. There have been moments (not kidding) where I started talking to a woman that's a "10" on the "physical" scale and she showed interest, yet there was something very wrong beneath the surface, I'm like no way. Or if she's a nasty person to me or other people she will instantly become ugly. I'll be repulsed and don't want to be around her

[@mikegeorge3392]

This has happened on a few occasions for me

[@sigmainfjbulgaria4478]

It's important to lean into what we feel as our way to show love. Yes we will be pushed for the stereotypical standards, we will feel alienated, we will feel like the odd man out, but by trying to fit into something that is not ours will only make our power and confidence go away. It's all so simple - we have to avoid making our differences a crisis.

[@muma6559]

true, we're not into the mainstream culture, but we are very romantic and loving

[@muma6559]

on this day, your partner gets, a rose, chocolates and a card. That should make you happy, right ! You have fulfilled the cultural obligation. ugh.. It's really nothing about your partner. It's about fitting into the crowd of other penguins.

[@intuativefiha5771]

We are not Aromantic. Being an INFJ, I can tell that, I, personally try to find myself or try to understand myself in others, especially the romantic interest. Appearance is secondary to us, but we love an honest portrayal even the other person is evil or rude from the inside, we like to know that too.

[@-jamie-9896]

Goodness, I thought I was crazy..I mean that seriously. Thank you for this video.

[@beansrgd]

I’ve had Not ONE mainstream relationship 😇/ it’s my private island 🏝️.

[@suzannebell51]

Excellent insights Lauren - it has taken me so long to figure this out. I naively thought everyone viewed romance and intimacy like this, that you have to feel a soul connection, so it was very disillusioning to find out this wasn't the case

[@deborahwolff5651]

I'm very independent and never depended on anyone. People have a hard time understanding that. People want to be with someone because they're lonely, and that is not deep enough.

[@MM-zm7cc]

Hi Lauren, as an INFP I totally agree/relate. I always really appreciate your videos/newsletter. You're providing such great healing content for the INFP/INFJ tribe...Thank you!! 🤗 The way you communicate & condense all the knowledge & wisdom you have into very eloquent nuggets of reassuring gold 🌟. Keep up the excellent work 🙏🥰

[@Ricky.Z]

I resonate with much of this. I'm an infp and know I'm ace, but have been very confused about the romance/aromantic side of things. It's as you said, the way I naturally relate to people is very different from movies but also very different from how I observe in my peers as they date and marry, etc. So it just feels confusing and I want to do my own thing and not get involved, but I still want to understand what's going on. And I want deep connections without all the expectations of filling "roles," as you said. I will add, though, that for me I can get attached to people without knowing them well. I will admit it's probably more about their energy than merely looks (tho looks still help), but for the most part it seems to be fueled more by my active imagination and internalized expectations of what I *should* want. And maybe also my fears around those expectations, which make it difficult to shake off. I really appreciate you sharing this video because I'd seen your videos about inf's in love, and since I'm aro/ace I was still left wondering whether such things applied to me or not. This video feels more relatable to me, I think.

[@kalinadesseaux8011]

"no i- i planned to be by myself" 💯 deep. Bond. The way you explain it is right on, i dont notice appearance until i *know* someone. I often say 'i dont see bodies or physical traits.' and the response i always get back '??'. (Even sine infps give me that) Infjs, we almost work backwards. It seems odd, unthinkable, to those around us, and i cant thank you enough for making it 'normal'.

[@sharonfuszard8861]

On point in every aspect- especially when you mentioned being attracted/drawn to a person's essence.

[@Hildred6]

We see through the prescribed ‘romance’ of Valentines or even anniversaries etc. True romance happens spontaneously, not on a prescribed day with money spent on cards, gifts, flowers etc. That’s mainly marketing not romance 😃 True romance is when the significant other acts in a way which makes us feel truly cherished in the relationship, and it’s not about gifts

[@renosance8941]

(Before I watch the video) I feel I'm very romantic if there's some understanding... and can figure out what other people mignt like... but I need to feel seen to express "full romance" if that makes sense.

[@lindsey2930]

Perfect timing!! I have been in a loop of over thinking about this topic...due to personal circumstances... Thankful for this video and look forward to reading comments.

[@anneheerdt8701]

OMG, I tried to explain to my ex that the time he gave me a pitchfork was much better than the fancy outfit and jewelry. the pitchfork just showed that he really knew me, the fancy stuff was on the advice of a friend.

[@sharersale6480]

8:15 had me cackling. My cousins think I'm weird too because I enjoy trying out new restaurants alone and going to cinemas alone.

[@mindset_olympics2]

I’m definitely a traditional, romantic as an INFP. This might be more of an INFJ type thing.

[@ideegeniali]

INFJ here. I look for, get to know and get in touch with souls. I don't look for and don't even see bodies at all!

[@VG61]

I completely resonates with what you have talked about, it took me time to understand who I am....

[@a.pieceofpie]

INFJ here and I have no type. I like who I like and it doesn't depend on their looks. This video makes sense to me. Also, I tend to just become a friend in the relationship once we've become intimate and I have recently wanted to possibly change that approach.

[@billyb4790]

I am. 💯 Took me 50 years to figure it out.

[@Chel.C.B]

Thank you so much. This video was the relief my soul has been looking for lately. I can listen to myself, not the opinions of those around me.

[@Reindeer911]

This video nailed it for me. Thank you. I too am like that in that sex and romance means nothing to me unless there is a bond of some sort. Likewise, looks really don't mean that much to me either... Unless the person in question looks like an Eldritch Horror out of an H.P. Lovecraft novel, I really don't get hung up on appearance. As you say Lauren, I can see what a person is like on the inside and set my course from there. Although I'm not sure I buy into a lot of the current gender theory, I do seem to identify with a combination of the demisexual and sapiosexual descriptions. In order for me to feel a genuine attraction to someone I need to feel both the emotional bond with them AND also need someone with high intelligence so that we can talk and be interesting/stimulating to each other. I get the feeling after watching this video that probably applies to most INFJ personalities. That said I've been told point-blank by a couple of women in my life that aspect of not feeling attraction without an emotional connection can be very intimidating to other women. A lot of the classic manipulation and games people play in relationships simply won't work on me... I'm immune to so much of it. Likewise just because a physically attractive woman walks by doesn't mean I'll start falling over myself either... That's caused some frustration in some people as well. Maybe it has a lot to do with why I make catfishers and romance scammers crazy to the point they usually rage-quit on me ! LOLOL!

[@bina_the_bean]

Oh. Wow, okay. And suddenly everything makes sense. 🤯 Where was this video when I was in high school and my friends were teasing me for just... not wanting to be in a romantic relationship? I tried to explain that it was just something I didn't need and, honestly, didn't want at the time, but I could always tell that in their eyes they were thinking: "Aw, poor her. What an obvious lie to hide how lovely she is. She must just not be able to get a boyfriend." But, no, that wasn't it. I had plenty of people ask me out over the years, but I always politely turned them down because they were people that I barely knew and who didn't really know me at all, and I just couldn't understand why they could possibly want to be with me without knowing me first, and there was always this disconnect. It all felt so superficial, and I just... couldn't understand why. It all seemed to work just fine for everyone else. What I wouldn't give to send this video back in time to poor, confused little high school me! 😅

[@davisjtc]

Thank you for the insight. Working through identifying some issues such as this with a therapist, so this is timely to consider.

[@tusk242]

100% agree.. about Valentine's Day. YES, I seen so called good looking guys, not very nice to other guys in school, same wit girls buttering up with the teacher , got better grades, but on the side they too were not pretty as personality, but so many were BLIND to this.. Wonder if many INFJ's not known, are more feminine in males, and females, more a Tomboy. I did not like Dolls, I like building forts, and playing in the Sand making roads for cars, I liked climbing trees, and seeing the world below.. I am female, like to some degree being one. Except the make up, lacy on clothes that itch, tight shoes

[@leelee1921]

Thank you for helping me understand and appreciate myself more!!

[@akataa]

Wow, I just came across your video after having received your book, "The INFJ Revolution" today.

[@BradWilliamson]

This was great, Lauren. A lot of people are going to be empowered by this :-)

[@enricio]

I had three narcissists on my path; with two I had a relationship. Narcissists are so good in mimicking that one cannot see the spell they put upon you. 😐🌈

[@BSNotAccepted]

And narcissists are very good at manipulating us INFJs.

[@PersephoneCries]

This helps. Thanks.

[@ericxb]

really love your topics, thank you

[@gregorystinette8271]

Spot on

[@kacake]

Infj infp can fall in love without physical contact, just with conversation or doing things together, getting to know someone on a deeper level, connecting emotionally, even if not regularly, once we trust the image, that person will remain attractive to us, and physical attraction follows after that

[@technicolordreamer]

5:29 INFP's feel a little more comfortable to wear their heart on their sleeve... that is until they get hurt one too many times, at least in my experience. Also have never been into "hookup culture". I would always have to have a serious connection with the person.

[@jasmin1773]

Sounds really commercial this valentines day offer😅.

[@BSNotAccepted]

Just because other people commercialize something, doesn't mean that bWE have to. WE can remake any holiday into the image of what we want it to be.

[@GamerBoy.1761]

I feel like I don’t relate with Aromanticism nor Asexuality (but I do know about it), and I didn’t know that INFPs and INFJs are aromantics or asexuals (and both!) But I do personally be single and solo and be the type to go to places by myself and unless I wanna bring someone I personally know very well, I might bring them (if it fits the activity I’m doing at the event) if not, I’ll go by myself and have a solo blast!

[@SteveChiller]

I've tried being romantic with people and only thing I get is get weird looks and they ask me "what are you doing".

[@shirleykeeldar3390]

Me exactly 100% 🤍

[@exhibitjean]

Id like to add that most movies show dysfunctional romantic relationships and aren't good examples for society in general.

[@robertwoodward9720]

...or society's ideas of anything else!

[@soulsifting]

I am an infj and I am very romantic. I feel like it’s so hard to find people who understand it

[@jenniferlynn329]

At first, I thought it said "aromatic". (Stinky? Flowery?)

[@ilovebookx8902]

INFJ

[@naamanpratt]

✔

[@cheribarkman1784]

All true.

[@alshimasalah1813]

❤❤

[@kharysmaharris449]

#AroAceINFJ

[@kolarzkamikaze1884]

A(hopeless)romantic...

[@roberttrough6439]

What I can get gassy ? Lol

[@brocklytodd5317]

hmm idk

[@stephenlogan184]

I disagree with a lot of this. And I’m an INFJ

[@victoriousjoy9338]

I have been in love with an INFJ for 9 years, but he wants a woman much younger than himself. He does treat me very well though. Recently I met an ESFJ, and he is crazy about me. But I as an ENFP cannot feel attracted to him because his responses to my queries are so superficial! I keep him at arms length while pining for the INFJ!! HELP!

[@themalejodietaylor2599]

Ever consider an INTJ? Golden pairing for you.

[@Ywgsuiyf]

AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Lol. Where the good-hearted women? 😭🤣

[@HAMUKTIPALAPA]

LAURA I AM NOT SURE IF I AM INFP OR ISFP, BUT I BELIEVE I AM INFP BUT I AM NOT SURE. LAURA AS INFP BOY WHO IS THE BEST MBTI GIRL MATCH BEST PARTNER FOR INFP? PLEASE HELP ME TO KNOW, OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE VIDEO ABOUT INFP MBTI BEST ROMANTIC PARTNER?

[@kikivon3501]

I’m sure there are a lot of people where overlap of the personality types occur. Humans often don’t fit into neat categories and it’s a good thing.