Insane Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer Reviews (seriously wtf)

I was not expecting a full noir detective story…
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• Unhinged Amazon Review...
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[@emailsmarkhall]

One of my favorites was "only works on right hand bananas, all mine are left hand."

[@stevelloyd5785]

Just turn your banana over. How hard is that right to left hand conversion?

[@threadtapwhisperer5136]

Since I am a left handed man, I make as many quips about left handed rights and shit in my day to day interactions. The astounded full dialtone reactions from random people are almost as good as the people who then attempt working through the logic and/or probability that there is a secret menu of Left Handed Taco Bell foods. Or "hey boss, I cant wipe my ass due to the non-left-hand friendly shit ticket dispensers." I was kidding for this one, bossman is also owner of the company and swapped 1 of the 2 stalls shit ticket holders to the other side. Just to accommodate a dumb joke. Felt good, but also felt bad for accidentally manipulating a clearly decent dude. ....... On the huge upside! I have left handed accomodations for thw removal of stray stink nuggets. 😂😂😂😂

[@albeech5157]

@@stevelloyd5785whoosh

[@ceIIardoor]

​@@stevelloyd5785 I hate that Idk if this response is satire or not

[@stevelloyd5785]

​@ceIIardoor Really? We're discussing left or right handed bananas. How serious could that be?

[@mog-gyveroneill2500]

Girl, you need to narrate books....I forgot I wasn't listening to one of my audio books, you're a talent indeed!!

[@mog-gyveroneill2500]

I need you to read those reddit stories!!

[@melissabethrosebean]

100% agree. Her voice is so smooth. I'd buy books based on her narration alone.

[@wentshow]

Sheesh! You beat to it. What a voces and delivery.

[@carleakins2153]

I'm so glad that these reviews continue to live on, in and outside of our hearts. Thank you, Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer for teaching us how to laugh and love, again.

[@sadfaery]

Oh my god, when you said novellas, I thought it was a euphemism for really long reviews. Nope. Actual, literal novellas. Very entertaining. 😂

[@maddonut621]

The reviews are hilarious but what's killing me is the thought of the guy who has to read and reply to the reviews. Do they screen shot them and have PR or R&D meetings to read them? 😂😂😂

[@bekindtoanimals2189]

Goll-darn, that Freddy uses his tongue purttier than a 20 dollar whore!

[@audreyquinn73]

"I started taking out pigeons in mid-flight." 😂😂😂 The banana slicer 571 fan fiction is astounding! This is awesome. TY!

[@scottbrown6305]

The “Banana Noir” stories are priceless!

[@moogle9148]

Bananoir

[@brandongearring2542]

😂😂😂fr

[@Mondomeyer]

Pulped Banana Fiction

[@journeysoutloud1990]

Insert cheesey jazz music here.

[@eugenioginicambaceres2882]

I would have just shortened all to: “Lorena Bobbit approves”

[@clarewillison9379]

Please buy one and do it! 😂👏🏼 Edit: Do the review, I mean, not the Bobbit bob. 😉

[@opeltheartist]

You're silly 😂

[@jenniferalberstein8057]

Hasbro Sugar Free Gummy Bears next. That shit is fucking gold.

[@bluecobaltsteph2689]

She did that one I think

[@DouuhNut]

if ots the products I'm thinking of, than that "Shit" really goes hard.

[@DeleightofThere]

Pretty sure you mean Haribo ;) Hasbro makes toys not candy

[@jenniferalberstein8057]

@DeleightofThere yeah I either typed it wrong or auto correct did me dirty not sure which

[@DeleightofThere]

@@jenniferalberstein8057 lol yeah autocorrect is the know-it-all that pokes its head in when it isn’t wanted 😂

[@beccaRey]

I don’t know what is better the stories or the awesome way you read them! 😊

[@mog-gyveroneill2500]

She's utterly brilliant!!!

[@cerin7654]

@@mog-gyveroneill2500she really is! She would have been great as a leading lady in a 1940’s film noir with her voice!

[@jetsierichardson6921]

Amazing reading!! 👏🏽👏🏽🔥

[@CrankyQuokka]

Oh. My. Gods. The novellas are insane! What a book they'd make.

[@deanhayes81]

20 years ago it was worth the visit to a product called "colon blow". The review about the industrial "movement" taken at work that was too large to flush was a gem!

[@reneecaballero9624]

Anything with that has the word "blow" in it, isn't going to be anything good for you to ingest. I can just imagine how they came up with the product name. Some poor product reviewer mentioned they thought their colon was blown completely out by it . 😂❤

[@dehydratedwater9806]

Only it wasn't an actual product. It's from a Saturday night live skit.

[@daveperk]

“Colon Blow” was the product in the Van Wilder movie, where the blonde that Wilder pursued put the Colon Blow in her present boyfriend’s morning orange juice. 😊😅

[@jacksharples5415]

Your.reading voice is so beautiful. You should make audiobooks of some kind, you definitely have that kind of talent. And your laugh is contagious.

[@refashionedhippie]

Wow, thank you!

[@Zectifin]

totally agree its a nice soothing voice.

[@bluecobaltsteph2689]

YOU MISSED THE FACT THAT IT ONLY WORKS WITH DOWNWARD CURVING BANANAS NOT UPWARD CURVING ONES!!!! 😂😂 that one was a short but great one I remember from a few years ago. Also look up the three wolf 🐺 moon 🌙 shirt. It gives great luck and power to the wearer.

[@cerin7654]

You would be (are) an incredible voiceover artist! Your inflections and pauses are everything!

[@apocalypso3427]

Ok, I was so immersed in the noir story lol. I would listen to you read an entire audiobook in the Slicer noir universe.

[@braddixon3196]

You have such a great voice for reading these. Are you a professional voice actor? If not, you truly could be. Seriously!

[@refashionedhippie]

I would love to!

[@echognomecal6742]

"They're so long!" Like bananas, dear. Like bananas.

[@WeatherGirlWares]

Some of rhe best creative writing I have heard and your narration brings it up to next level engagement.

[@markcooper8561]

The way you read these is absolutely mesmerising. More please.

[@nikkicat254]

In one of your shorts I saw that photo up in the right and thought it looked like actress Gillian Anderson giving the finger, but wasn't sure, since we can't go full screen, so I thought maybe it was you, instead, but now I know it really is a picture of Gillian Anderson of The X Files, lol! That's so funny, I was a big fan of hers in the 90s because of The X Files, still enjoy her work now too!

[@bekindtoanimals2189]

Ha! Nikkicat254 was looking in Refashioned Hippie's shorts! (Wink)

[@batcactus6046]

Pro tip: Mom sliced bananas into my raisin bran with a Spoon.

[@Just1Nora]

We just used table knives. They cut well but are safe for little ones.

[@ladywolfwolf]

Was she arrested?

[@Mitch.Buchannon]

She probably needed the fork to eat her soup?

[@tomhill4003]

I worked the graveyard shift at an Amazon data center back in the day. The Hutzler 571 reviews kept us all in stitches laughing. The huge number of reviews for this product goes against all reason, until you start reading them.

[@a.kenneth3521]

Oh my heart! Ahahahaaaa! PS - I own one of these banana slicers. Worthless POS, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away.

[@icemancometh8679]

I hope you get a holster for it like it said in the story, maybe that way it'll hide it. So no one we'll see it and lead to your embarrassment that you actually own 1..

[@frenchfriar]

Well, apparently, if it can be used as a boomerang, if you throw it away it would just come back to your hand anyway, so there's that.

[@cariwaldick4898]

You could trade it for a worthless avocado slicer.

[@The_Real_Mier]

@@cariwaldick4898Noooooo! Don’t do that! You have a pair now, can’t break them up! That’s CRUEL!

[@justinenolan127]

Plantains are a banana of a different peel!

[@deevnn]

She said her husband hated it when he found it on the bedside stand...he found it difficult to go to sleep.

[@hellokristi]

This was fantastic!! Have you seen the Amazon reviews for the Bic For Her pens?

[@bluecobaltsteph2689]

Good call!!

[@Tarsha.C]

OH MY GOSH!! Yes, please!!! Do the Bic For Her pens!!!

[@InknbeansPress]

Your wonderful laugh is now my ringtone.

[@sandygroenendyk5141]

Those were hilarious! I could listen to you read all day. My question is, where do people find these reviews? 🤷🏼‍♀️ All I find are actual reviews; "Don't buy it. It's crap." Or "worked for 6 months and then broke." 😂

[@angrytheclown801]

Look at the Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bear reviews. That treasure should still be up.

[@eschwarz1003]

Nymphia Wind finds nothing unusual with this level of banana investment; financially and psychically

[@1HorseOpenSlay]

More please more! This is the first full length vid of yours that I've seen. Been obsessed with your shorts forever ❤

[@refashionedhippie]

Yay! Please try more❤️

[@SheilaSutherland-f2j]

Some of the Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears are tear jerkingly funny, and so are the Veet Hair Removal for Men. Kudos for being able to keep a straight face and reading those like a champ!

[@susanwhite6761]

Maggie....PLEASE do audio books! You're so easy-listening!!!!

[@anntowey]

I agree

[@Rachel-gy3gm]

Came here to say this!

[@lswallace4885]

This community has brilliant writers w/ great imaginations.💖💖

[@haywood5302]

As a struggling unknown writer living in obscurity for decades at last I have found inspiration in the Hutzler 572 Banana Slicer.

[@carolynwheeler8315]

It’s not just the review I found interesting. It was your voice as you read them. I was enthralled and was sitting on the edge of my bed listening to your voice as you read the reviews. Unfortunately I don’t have the words to convey my emotions as you read the. But needless to say, if you decide to become an Audibles narrator, I will happily be the first I. Line to buy the book you narrate! Thank you Refashioned Hippie, you have restored my faith in the spoken word! ❤❤❤

[@refashionedhippie]

Glad you enjoyed it! I would love to do voice over work

[@bonro001]

This is the pride of our knife drawer!

[@janhankins911]

The creativity that goes into those reviews is amazing! I'm going to have to start reading Amazon reviews now.

[@Rem91067]

I was so disappointed that the woman’s name in the second story wasn’t Linda Susan Dole.

[@douglasthrelfall5318]

Sometimes I do Amazon reviews. The best is when it’s a simple product and then you are asked to answer questions about the item. For god’s sake it’s a Pyrex glass microwave turntable, measure the diameter and install it! I actually answered a question as to what RPM’s their microwaves turntable speed was…😂 33 or 45!?!

[@FabricFool]

Go really old style and try 78. For the old VICTROLA microwaves.

[@LSeverusPertinax]

I so enjoy the sound and timbre of your voice..it is like a mug of hot chocolate with a shot of bourbon in it 😋

[@larryk731]

There's "always" money in the banana stand - George Bluth

[@gaywizard2000]

"What does a banana cost, ten dollars?" George Bluth

[@WillCate]

"No, you idiot... I mean there's literally money in the banana stand!!!" -- also George Bluth

[@mrsvickigriffin]

Bogeys & McCall shouldve had that guy writing scripts for them!!!❤❤❤❤

[@michaelnash2138]

Bogey and Bacall. Sorry, I'm a history nazi...

[@shannonbaker5685]

Finding your channel has drastically improved the quality of my life, lol, love you!❤

[@jenniferr.8143]

I truly hope you make these a regular segment!

[@steveanthony494]

That reviewer had me at "I GRABBED IT WITH TWO HANDS".

[@douglasanderson7260]

I am not sure which I like more, these reviews or her reading them. But the combination is a great synergy.

[@petertrebilco9430]

What a brilliant voice you have, in particular as a narrator on olde time radio shows!!! You’d be outstanding!

[@anthonyburke5656]

For a Humorist you have uncovered a lifetimes worth of inspiration.

[@darrenosborne8252]

I watched this last night, OMG hilarious. I hope this becomes a new series, love your videos.

[@ndruark]

Have you ever tried slicing bananas in bulk to dehydrate? This completely changes that game.

[@wpatrickw2012]

At least he didn’t have to go skeet shooting with Dick Cheney😂

[@robtpc]

I never knew review noir was a thing, but I am so glad it is. Well I am off to write a review…

[@dehydratedwater9806]

If you've never heard Noir City Blues by The Snakes Paw on KZbin I suggest it.

[@thomasmettham855]

OMG, Maggie! I love these! Also, you need to read the reviews for Kashi Go Lean Crunch and these sugar free gummy bears. Hilarity!

[@refashionedhippie]

I’m on it…

[@thomasmettham855]

@@refashionedhippie Apparently, Kashi Go Lean Crunch creates Hiroshima level farts for some people. The gummy bears contain a sweetener that causes explosive diarrhea. Lmao!

[@brendaokuda2158]

These reviews are actually better than most novels these days!!! BRILLIANT!💖💖💖

[@bikeny]

My brain and Freddy's brain are wired completely differently. When I was in school, I could never finish those green-colored essay answer booklets. I was like Sgt Friday with 'just the facts.' How does one come up with that? For a banana slicer, no less. My hat's off to him and others that have that creative spark. And, I love the way you read them, too.

[@InknbeansPress]

Gummy Bears next, please.

[@AllTheHappySquirrels]

Ah, the haribo sugar free bears! A treat for the senses - well, for the readers, that is. 😂

[@a.kenneth3521]

Gotta be the sugar free ones. ​@@AllTheHappySquirrels

[@kishka7]

I just realized - you HAVE GOT TO BE ON RADIO!! Some kind of regular show talking about these things. It's your voice - EXTREMELY soothing, kind, friendly and expressive!! I'm a 70 yr old retired dad in N California wine country. And yet, when I hear your voice, I feel calm, and relaxed like someone is telling me something kind and gentle. Seriously soothing!! Thank you so much!!

[@refashionedhippie]

Oh thank you! And thanks for commenting so much, it really helps my channel

[@VelvetDraginfly]

You Must Do More of this!!!!!!!The Amusement Factor is Immeasurable!

[@mctaguer]

These reviewers are more talented than some writers I've encountered. You do have a great narrator voice. I love your intro to Bad Design.

[@LelandMaurello]

This was one of the first funny amazon reviews I read several years ago. It's so absolutely hilarious.

[@fillingthegaps1959]

I’m curious if there are 570 other versions of the slicer, and they just hit the jackpot with number 571.

[@LM-ek2hb]

Sub'd! Between your reading voice, the reviews you find, the Flux Capacitor video and others, you certainly have my attention! Thank you!

[@refashionedhippie]

Thank YOU!

[@firewaterbydesign]

*OMGOSH!!! This was hysterically funny!!! I have visions of the old Dragnet that I grew up watching!! Freddy's was AWESOME!!!* 🤣🤣

[@DryPaperHammerBro]

Only ever seen you on #shorts, it's about time I saw a full-length video of yours!

[@CristinaB228]

OH MY GOD please make audiobooks ❤❤❤ Your voice is an absolute charm!

[@lovemytide45]

If you have never watched yourself while being high on gummies then you are missing out. Part of my daily routine .. 2-3 gummies, cup of coffee and my favorite hilarious hippie 😂

[@ApacheStoryteller]

"oh God it's so long": in and out of context had me dying....😂

[@east103W]

What is even more interesting than the reviews is the history of the product ? Some of the earlier models of the Hutzler Banana Slicer and why they didn't set the world on fire (well, not all of them, anyway). Model 570 : Too few blades required redsign when slices came out too "chunky". Model 569 : Excessive over-sixxed reviews due to "69" in model number. Model 555 : Banned by church groups as "almost the Devil's number". Model 552 : Defective fuse caused overheating. Model 551 : Defective tungsten element caused overheating. Model 550 : Defective electrical cord caused overheating and shock hazard. Model 547 : Recalled due to accidental use of purple injection plastic. Model 544 : Plastic meleted during shipping in summer months. Model 541 : Over-diluted coolant in reactor core could lead to meltdowns. Model 537 : Last model with manual transmission option. Model 533 : Packing misprint showed illustration of sixx-toy, entire production run sells out. Model 530 : Explosive charge in air bag may fail to detonate in head-on crashes. Model 527 : Misprinted UPC barcode rings up at registers as a 65" flat-screen television. Model 522 : First generation to include plus sizes. Model 518 : Incident causes new package warning : "FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY". Model 512 : Teflon ccoating may cause slippage and you'll put yer eye out. Model 508 : Discontinued two-handed model. Model 505 : Glow-in-the-dark version recalled due to unsafe gamma radiation levels.

[@briant7265]

The Hutzler 571 has been legendary for about 20 years. I don't know how it happened, but it managed to attract many, many creative geniuses.

[@tamsolo1584]

Wait... Is that a picture of Gillian Anderson giving the "bird" in the background? Epic!

[@philjameson292]

Apparently you can get an updated version now that combines the banana slicer with an attachment for removing your plums

[@florencepierce1864]

That "Flatfoot Hard-Boiled PI who Just Needs a Break, See?" review was Brilliance Itself & your narration just brought it to Life! Also, your comment on the Detective Reviews: They're Sooooo Looooong, They're Sooooo Looooong! just had me Dying! 💀⚰☠ My Rating 5/5🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌 & 5/5🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Zectifin]

theres always money in the banana stand.

[@Tipperary_man]

New to your channel after the YT algorithm offered me a couple of your shorts. Wow, the Hutzler 571 sounds amazing, gonna have to get me box full of those little beauties 😊 You have an amazing voice and an infectious naughty laugh. You should do voice work, unless you already do? I'll be back for more of your reading and bad signs observations. Joy, joy, joy. Thankyou ❤

[@refashionedhippie]

Thank you so much! I’m glad you found me. I would love to do voiceover work, honestly don’t know how to get started

[@sharondreisbach1107]

Haribo sugar free gummy bears. There are descriptions of the results of eating that will test your urinary continence.

[@sweet_iris]

OKAY detective stories + banana slicer = banana pulp 😂

[@refashionedhippie]

Yessss

[@montewithGSO]

My sister sent me this one to watch, apparently we both like your posts! This was quite a review!

[@nairbvel]

Absolutely LOVE both the stories and your reading of them... but is that an octopus *skeleton* in the background?!?!?

[@refashionedhippie]

Yes and his name is Steve

[@justfellover]

"Omg they're so long!" Yeah, that's why you need a slicer.

[@brendaswolfe1435]

I loved this! Novellas for the win!🎉 please keep doing this. ❤❤

[@trainliker100]

You have probably noticed that chef's seldom use such gadgets. They are just more trouble than they are worth. A hassle to clean up with all those little hard to reach surfaces. I once was given one of those hot dog cookers that cooks by connecting household AC line voltage across the hot dogs to electrocute and heat them. It did work. But it left burned hot dog flesh bonded to the electrodes. I spent a lot of time cleaning it all off, washed it, dried it. Was about to put it away in a cabinet, and just detoured it straight into the trash bin.

[@Just1Nora]

There's a device for making filled bananas too. It was in those Amazon must haves videos, where people show off items to get people to use their affiliate links, and I highly recommend the reviews. The Haribo sugar-free gummy bears and 55 gallon drum of lube will have you cackling and gasping for air.

[@3vom]

If it is still there, the classic review I recall was "The Secret"

[@SANDSCORCHER]

Needs to be a series called ‘The Hutzler Diaries’. 😎👍🏻

[@FabricFool]

“Omigod it’s so long…” That’s what she…ah.. I had to, but I couldn’t.

[@halfkinrainbolt7041]

Must be a pain to clean! I had to go to Amazon and look this up. My God! it is a real thing for 7-8 dollars. And dishwasher safe so easy cleaning. How have we come to this?

[@timwatson3879]

...Nothing in this world quite like a beautiful red head squealing with delight and exclaiming... "Oh God they're so long!"

[@robertwittjr1198]

due to the court order, i too am denied the joy of edged weapons. your channel was refered by The Algorithm and for once it was right.

[@rebeccawhite6620]

Your voice is amazing! You should read books, do voice work, etc! You’re very pleasant to listen to!

[@refashionedhippie]

I would love to!

[@Lynn.Panadero4242]

It took me 3 minutes of admiring your mermaid chair before I realized…….😂😂😂😂. I loved that gold sparkly mermaid tail for an entire 3 minutes. 😂😂😂😂😂

[@Fiona2254]

I got one of those because I thought I was going to freeze dry bananas. It turns out that dried bananas are cheaper that the time I’d spend processing them. It sits in my junk drawer having used once to slice strawberries 😂

[@RSW6666]

So what was wrong with the previous 570 iterations of this product?

[@jamezkpal2361]

The 571, with the addition of multiple blades, is a vast improvement over the Hutzler 570 banana masher.

[@Charlielizard]

Absolutely hilarious; and keep reading reviews. Loved the video. LMAO 😂

[@wabicajo]

If you like these, the reviews for 3 wolf moon shirt are amazing

[@ww2astor]

"Oh my god they're so long" Hmmm. I thought as I lit up a camel and blew its smoke out my mouth. Yeah, long indeed.

[@Sonicstillpoint83]

This was absolutely amazing and we need more.😂

[@dinabennett-peck3274]

So glad I watched this! That was really fun to listen to while crafting. I really enjoy your sense of humor and you are someone I would hang out with! Let's be besties 🎉

[@jamesp2719]

Best video ever, just loved listening to you read the reviews, thank you